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- Brought to you by the every dollar app, start budgeting for free today. - My wife and I praise God,
“just hit off all of our debt over $10,000 worth of debt.”
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And yeah, it feels really good. We did it in a couple of years' time, so that feels good, we're firstly married. We got on board, pan-off debt,
even before the wedding, and just so we were on the same page, even during gating. So we've been doing everything right, trying to follow the baby steps,
and now we're ready to replenish our emergency fund, and baby step number two.
The problem is, is my wife kind of just dropped this bomb
on me today that she is with or without my permission, going to get her parents a used car. - And with or without your permission, please tell me how that told me how that was said. (laughing)
- Well, so here's the thing, it's with or without my permission because she upfront paid a lot of my student loans off and we ended up paying the bulk of it off together. - Okay.
- And so, but, you know, - So you owe her what she's saying. - Uh-oh. - As the Great Warngi once said, "Hold up." Like, y'all paid off y'all's student loan debt.
- That's how I see it. I feel like, you know, we already have a combined, you know, checking to my savings, combined high yield savings account. We have combined everything finances.
And so, I don't have a problem with her wanting to do something nice for her parents. I love them and I want to do that for them too. But the thing I have hold up on is the precedent that's set of, "Hey, whether you are on board for this or not,
this is on my heart and I'm gonna do it, you know, no matter what." - All right, so let me flip this around real quick. Are you a person who, yes? - Can hear that conversation from her
“and honor it and figure out ways to connect with her on it?”
- What do you mean by that? - Meaning, sometimes we make bold statements like that. Like, I'm going with her without you. Because the person we've been trying to communicate with is stuck in concrete.
And so, anytime somebody says something that just sounds at a character or just sounds wild, like you don't have permission, like you're all are mom and dad and some sort of weird marriage.
Like, in terms of somebody says that I always,
there's just a personal thing. I go to the mirror and see, have I made it hard for that person to connect with me? - Yeah, I hear your question. I don't think so, I only just,
I'm only saying that because the way I responded to that was, hey, I would love to do that for the nice of you. Let's get it on our financial timeline so let's figure out where we can do that for them. - I'm just saying to say to hone in on the,
and she decided to hone in on the fact of, you know, she's my approval or something. And she's saying that she doesn't need it because she paid off all this debt.
“- Okay, I don't feel like that's off on the same page.”
- So, that tells me, and John, strike me, it's dragged me out of the conversation at any point. But what this is telling me is there was some part of her while that process was happening that she was doing it, but she didn't really want to do it.
Or she was feeling a type of way and never voiced it
and now it's kind of like resentment is there, which you got to nip that in the bud with the quickness. - Yes, it's core keeping will destroy relationship. - Oh man, now, now can I add something else to the conversation that it could be,
but I don't think it is. - Tax season is coming up fast, which means a lot of you are paying more attention to your money and maybe realizing the holiday damage. So if you're trying to clean up the budget
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No contracts, no traps, just predictable savings that help you stay in control. Switch now at boostmobile.com/ramsy. Restrictions apply, see website for details. - I do think in marriage, there's times
where we're trying to accomplish a greater good, or we're trying to go in the direction that we say we want to go in that we value. And once spouse will make a concession, right, in order to do so.
And then there's seasons where another spouse makes more of a concession to do so. And there can be times where you're like, I feel like I'm making a lot of concessions. And I want to feel like I'm being met also
in the way of we're both sacrificing. Right, there's a part of that. And I don't think that this is that, but I also just wanted to put space for that to be there. And if it is that, she has communicated it in a way
that makes it seem like it's not that. - In bad way, yeah. - So here's your path forward, brother. It's to back completely out of the money conversation for a minute.
Okay, so money fights are almost always, we've been saying this for years. Money fights are almost always simply lights on the dashboard for a bigger issue under the hood. And so here's the framework I want you to use
Walking into this, are you ready?
Or should I say, hey, I wanna have a pretty heavy
conversation with you.
“Is now a good time, or is this evening a good time?”
If she says yes, great, the next question is, the story I've made up is, okay? That's how I want you to approach her. The story I've made up is, you resent having helped me pay off these student loans.
The story I'm choosing to make up is I thought we were together and it turns out we're not. The story I'm choosing to make up is, you now feel like I owe you that somehow I'm less than, somehow you're just gonna make these decisions
like a cowboy or a cowgirl. And then the next one is, here's how I feel about that. That makes me feel small. Makes me feel like we're not on the same team. And give her a chance to respond to that.
'Cause what you're talking about there is a, you're being humble and saying, I'm making up a story here. 'Cause you don't know what's just going on in her heart in mind, but Anne, you're telling her exactly how you feel about it.
And you're giving her space to say, actually, that's not happening at all or giving her space to say, you know what I said that wrong or giving her space to say, yeah, I've been harboring a lot of resentment. And if that's the case, you'll have to deal with it now
'cause it will burn your marriage to the ground. Yeah, gotcha. If you come at her using use statements, you said this, you did this. She's gonna wall up and fight you back.
'Cause that's, the word you is often a declaration of war when you're mad, when you're frustrated.
Yeah, and I always try and frame things
when I have a, you know, whenever we have like a disagreement or discussion, I always try and isolate the behavior and not the person that way I'm not saying, you are this thing. I'm saying this behavior made me feel a certain way.
Okay, I want you to go one step further. Just start to hold conversation with the letter I. I made this story up about what just happened and I feel this kind of way about it. Okay, and he, 'cause even isolating the behavior
“and it's kind of a workaround to an accusation, right?”
Yeah. But you say in the word, ah, you take an ownership. This is what I'm making up and this is how I feel about this saying, gives you an opportunity.
It's an invitation to respond. And if she says screw you, if she says I don't care, she says I've been doing all this for you. And now I'm gonna finally do something for myself. You all gotta, you all gotta get on the same page with that deal.
And can I just add a piece to that? If, if it is, I will almost, 'cause I'm listening to this. And there's part of me that's going, you guys are newlyweds. I'm actually really glad this is coming up. Yes, yes, yes.
Instead of later, and I might add that in and say, if I, if I'm right, if I'm feeling this and it's accurate, just hear me say I'm, I'm glad that this is happening now then later, because this is something I wanna work out. Because, because this is, this is how she rolls,
is gonna show up in the home you buy, is gonna show up the kids you have, it's gonna show up in the jobs you do or don't take, it's gonna show up the rest of your life. And so, getting back on the same page now,
giving her an opportunity to explain,
here's what I've meant, here's what I was feeling,
here's what's going on inside her spirit. Man, that's a blessing in the gift. And like Jay said, every couple I've ever met goes through things like this. And the fact that you're, you're having this happen
early on and you have the courage to face it head on. Man, that's awesome. That's really good. So you're gonna do it, you'll have the conversation. - Yeah, I'm gonna have the conversation.
“I think it's also not even just about the car thing.”
I think it's more about what you said earlier about scorekeeping because my student learned that that was paid off, gets brought up in a mirror at a conversation, not just this one. - Okay, it's, it's always like my behavior,
or her behavior's justified or mine's disregarded because, you know, the student learned that once existed, it just wasn't like keeping brought up. It was $100 and $20,000 a student learned that. - Yeah, yeah, that's tough.
That's tough. It's definitely something to work out. And you might need some mediation. Like you might need a counselor to help you be able to speak about it in a way that's not harmful,
but you're making progress and not just circling around it. It sounds like maybe she is. - And both things can be true here, right? She signed up for Damaria guy. - It's tough.
- With a hundred grand and a super frustrating. - It's tough, both are true. - Both are true. - She's allowed to have her feelings hurt. And she's allowed to be annoyed and allowed to be frustrated.
And also, she made a commitment. UNI writer died until death was part. And so, both things can be true. You can feel all kinds of ways, but you gotta be emotionally mature
and go do the next right thing. - That's right, that's right. - Create your free every dollar budget today, the simplest way to budget for your life.
