#308 Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn - TikTok's #1 Sex Educator on Why Relationships Are Failing

Now it's a package of meat. It's best to eat a gratis.

“If you want to eat cheese, cheese, cheese.”

Now it's a gratis. It's a Christmas party. It's a Christmas party. It's a Christmas party. But it's a long time. It's a long time. It's a time to eat. It's my pleasure. My pleasure. So we're going to talk all about sex today, the forbidden topic.

The nobody wants to talk about, but everybody wants to hear about. And some of the stuff about your new book, the new TV show that you're doing. And I have a lot of questions about men. About men. What they're doing wrong. What the communication skills like all that stuff. I know your com's experts.

So let me start you off with an introduction here. Actually, I have no idea how to pronounce your last name. I love that. Do you want me to teach you? Yeah, let's hear it.

So I usually go by Dr. Tara. It's a branding decision. Mm-hmm. But it's so in Yachtee Chai Porn. And this is how I teach my students.

You sue someone, then you win. You go on a yacht.

“You're doing some tea, which is a chai, and you may or may not watch some porn.”

(laughter) Sue and Yachtee Porn. Sue and Yachtee Chai Porn. Sue and Yachtee, Sue and Yachtee Chai Porn. Perfect.

Wow. Beautiful. I'm just going to call you Dr. Tara. Perfect. (laughter)

My students call me that. They just go, "Yeah, we're going to go on the top." So let me give you a brief introduction here. Dr. Tara, born in Bangkok, Thailand.

You immigrated to the United States for graduate school and earned your PhD in human communication entirely in your second language.

You're a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at Cal State Fullerton, where you earned a tenured just 33 years old, one of the youngest in your department to do it. Your landmark study of 5,000 Americans found that more than one third of people in relationships are sexually unsatisfied. And the communication, not technique or frequency as the struggle, is the, excuse me,

is the single most powerful predictor of a great sex life. With over 2.3 million followers, your TikToks number one sex educator and paper magazine, "Dubbed You" is the internet's resident sex expert. On top of all of that, you are the sex and dating expert on the UK reality show celebs go dating. A columnist at Woman's Health Magazine and sex expert on the new season of 90 day,

the last resort, TLC HBO show coming out June 1st. Congratulations. Your most recent book is "How Do You Like It?" a guide for getting what you want in bed,

and your mission has always been the same less shame, more pleasure.

Again, welcome to the show. Thank you. Are you having an orgasmic day? I hope I'm about to. But yeah, so I've had one other show kind of about this and it was nice change. We have a lot of heavy topics, not that this isn't a heavy topic,

but it's a little bit lighter than some of the stuff that I cover. And it was wildly successful. So I'm excited. You know, right when you said, you know, people don't want to talk about it, but they want to hear about it.

“Yeah, nobody wants to talk about sex, but they all want to hear about it, right?”

Yeah, and it's so cool. It's the most universal human behavior. What else do we do? We eat, we go through bathroom, and we have sex. That's right. That's right. Sometimes we sleep.

Yeah. It depends on how much sex we're having, right? You can sleep and have sex. So I want to kind of start off with, how did you get into this? Um, it's a long story, but I'm, I got into this because I went to graduate school for

human communication, studying relationships. So I focus on relationships romantic relationships. And the reason why I wanted to study that because I saw a long-ditudinal study from Harvard that showed that social relationships are what makes life worthwhile. Social relationships are the strongest predictor of life satisfaction

and what makes people the happiest. So I thought, okay, why not study the thing that makes people the happiest. Relationships. And as I investigated further into romantic relationships,

Regardless of what your gender is, your sexual orientation, where you're from,

what your religion is, like everybody has these issues and one of them is sex. So I thought, why not study and talk about and teach something that is a solution to such a big universal problem.

“Interesting. Were you always, were you always this open?”

I know you grew up, you grew up a Catholic. I grew up in Thailand as a Buddhist and I went to an all-girl's Catholic school. Okay. So I got double whammy of messages based on organized religion because I grew up with very sexually repressive parents. They did their best and they have been and they are very loving.

But at the same time, they have their own limitations. I think, you know, as you get older, you learn that your parents try their best. And they had their own limitations and one of those limitations is they tend to shame people based on sexuality. So since I was young, if I wore mini skirt or if I talk about certain things that are related to sexuality or someone being sexy on TV, for example, they would immediately shush me or say like,

"Oh, like good girls don't say things like that" or, you know, good girls don't wear things like that. So I think from young age, I had an idea of what it's like to be a good woman. Same with messages I get from school. I went to an all-girl's Catholic school. I mean, granted, when you go to an all-girl's school, a lot of girls thought they're less beings, by the way,

“because that's all you're exposed to, just girls.”

But within the teachings of Catholicism as well, there's a lot of shame-based messages when it comes to sexual exploration. Things that scientifically we know are normal and healthy. So I battle through a lot of those preconceived notions and messages, insecurities, low sexual self-esteem for a long time.

I'd say I've never had a real orgasm until I was almost 30.

Are you serious? Wow. Wow. I know. When did you have your first orgasm, John? Probably it's like 10 or 11.

Lucky you. From just masturbating. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, and you're like, "Oh, this is like the best feeling ever." Look, still is.

Yeah, I know. Someone told me that orgasming and take, like, going to the bathroom taking a shit is amazing. Two amazing people.

You can never take away from humans.

Maybe that's right. Wow. Wow. Yeah, so that's a bit of my background. So no, when people are like, "Oh, it's easy because it's easy to talk about sex

because this is who you are. You're an extrovert. You love talking to people. You've probably always been like this." And like, "Oh, not at all. I grew up the other way around the opposite way." And then I had to climb up that shame and insecurity ladder to get to where I am, where I feel sexual empowerment is my calling and helping people feel less shame

about their own sexuality or what they're into. And experience just more pleasure in their relationship and in daily life.

“What's the point of life if there isn't any pleasure?”

I mean, it's interesting that you came from that, I don't know, sheltered, strict of a background. I mean, I was watching some of the stuff right before I came down here. And obviously I've been seeing stuff pop up for several months now. That's why I should come on the show.

You're just very open. You talk about what you like, what you don't like, what your fetishes or kinks are. And I mean, so coming from that strict of a background to that open. And then, you know, I have a red your book. But I've done a lot of study in about you and it seems like communication is a thing.

And with my previous episode with Vanessa, communication is a thing. And so how do you go from that locked up? That strict, that shamed or shamed? Is that the shame? To just peer it all is.

This is everything about me. And it sounds like that's a big, that's the biggest problem within relationships with sex as communication. Ask him what you want. Tell him what you like, things like that.

So how did you, I'm just curious. How did you personally overcome it? It's been a long journey.

I was married before in my 20s.

And at that time, I was already,

“I just graduated with my PhD in human communication,”

studying relationships, so I should know what I'm talking about. But back then, I was talking the talk and not walking the walk. And now, as a professional in this field, I have little respect for people that only talk the talk. I only trust the people that walk the walk.

Because I know I was that person. And I didn't teach about sexual satisfaction. Sexual communication, mindfulness, relational communication, all of these things in college. Teach the theory and research.

But I wasn't living that life. I was in doing those communication strategies in my real life in order to maintain and improve my relationship. I wasn't in a relationship that I was happy about.

I got married young, because where I'm from, in high culture,

people get married in their 20s. When you wait until you're in your 30s, you're sort of named as like a spinster, or like you're not desirable. Mm-hmm.

“And that in itself is a very shame-based message.”

Mm-hmm. That imagine if anyone listening and watching, imagine if your daughter was like, "Oh, my God, I gotta get married in my 20s. Or else I'd be so undesirable in my 30s."

Mm-hmm. But that's my belief, because it's how I was raised, and what people and my culture were talking about, what they did. So I met this person online on a dating app,

and not too long later, we got married. And that was, I wouldn't say it was a mistake. But it was an ill-informed, misguided decision. With that marriage, I learned a lot about sexual incompatibility,

because we have never had sexual compatibility,

and I know this from study, right, research and theory, but then when I finally had it in real life, I was like, "Oh, shit. This is what it feels like, because not only that we didn't have chemistry, do you know the difference between chemistry and compatibility?"

“Well, actually, that's what I was just going to ask you.”

What is sexual compatibility and incompatibility? Because, I mean, I think if you would ask most people, it's am I attracted to this person? Yes. Do I want to have sex with this person?

Yes. I mean, I read somewhere that people decide, basically people decide if they're going to have, if they would have sex with the person sitting across from them, if the person they're looking at within the first 10 seconds.

Is that true? Yes. Is that sexual compatibility? No. What is sexual compatibility?

So when we think of people that have good sex together, they need two components. They need chemistry and compatibility. Chemistry is what you just talked about. You need someone and you can immediately tell,

"Oh, I'm attracted to this person. I can see going to bed with them. I can tell we're going to vibe." That's chemistry and it's either you have it or you don't. You know, you've met a ton of people.

You can probably imagine, just imagine if you were single. And all these people you meet, all your heterosexuals, all the women you meet. You can probably see me, someone and go, "Okay, that person I would date or have sex with,

that person I wouldn't, that person I would." It's pretty easy. That's chemistry. You meet someone who's just not. And when you don't have chemistry,

a lot of people around the world, they get married to people they actually don't have chemistry with. You could grow some sort of compatibility with them, which I'm going to explain in a bit what it is, but you cannot have the chemistry.

Because chemistry is whether you have it or you don't. So you're saying that people are getting married to each other that aren't even attracted to each other? A lot of people do. A lot of people do.

And one of the biggest problems actually in long-term sexual dissatisfaction is people don't find that partner attractive. So we can talk about that in a little bit. But you either have chemistry or you don't. Then let's say you have chemistry.

Great. That's like 50% done. That's the other part, compatibility. Do you like similar things? Do you want to explore similar things? Do you enjoy each other's touch expression?

Things they say in Ben.

Do you, are you someone that tends to be a bit more unconventional and kinky and your partner is too? Or is your partner super vanilla?

“Is very turned off by all the things that you're into?”

That's compatibility. So when you're similar, not the same. You don't have to be exactly the same. You don't have to let's say if your partner has a foot fetish, you don't have to have one in order to be similar.

But if you're compatible, you're similar in a lot of these sexual profiles. What I call. That's compatibility. And then with chemistry and compatibility,

boom, you have an amazing sex life. Now with the caveat of you still have to have communication.

You can't just have these and never talk about sex in your entire life.

Based on my study, we know now that sexual communication is the strongest predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction. But again, you have such a good base.

“Would you say that you have chemistry and compatibility?”

Yes. So now that you know the difference, you can probably tell people that are watching listening. They can probably take an audit of their own relationship. Maybe the current relationship and past relationships.

And think, okay, did I have chemistry and compatibility? Because these two are, they're needed in healthy fulfilling, passionate sex life. So I didn't have those things in my first marriage. And now I have both things in my current marriage.

Good for you. So I know for a fact what it feels like and how different they are. There are a lot of sex experts or guru online that will say, like, you know, you don't need chemistry. It grows over time.

I disagree.

“I think that's my controversial opinion is chemistry part.”

It's either you have it or you don't. I don't think compatibility could grow over time. Faster than chemistry. I don't think it grows over time.

Because chemistry is basically just a tractiveness.

Yeah, it's you have it or you don't. Like if I don't find you, if I don't find someone attractive or field wrong to them. That won't change unless they have like a huge makeover. But then that again, it's still very physical attractiveness is very shallow.

I mean, I love physical attractiveness, not gonna lie. But it's very shallow. I think chemistry is a lot more. But even science can't really explain. Chemistry is like the energy and the vibrations you have with someone.

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How long does it take to, what does it take the average couple? Or, yeah, the average couple to figure out if they're sexually compatible. I think it can be anywhere from six months to, I would say, 10 years. Yeah.

Because I've worked with couples that have never talked about their sexual preferences before.

Actually, I've worked with couples that didn't know what their sexual preferences are. To then first that figure out what they are, then have the language to talk about what these preferences are and whether or not we're compatible. I've worked with people that have been together for a year and are still figuring it out. And they were figuring things out and that's great.

Oh my god, we haven't had sex for two years. What's going on?

What? Oh, yeah. That's not uncommon at all. That's not uncommon at all. Oh, there's longer. I've talked to a couple that haven't had sex for five years.

How old are they? They were in the 50s. In their 50s, that's right around the corner for me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of changes, right?

Men can experience a lot, like a drop in testosterone. Women can experience pyramid-opause pent-metopause, which all of those things affect your sexual desire. But like, let alone, even if we don't talk about those things, that what's going on in the body, even if we remove that part,

“there's still these other parts of, like, do you still find your partner attracted?”

I think that's a huge problem in society. It is. It is. And it's something that people are so afraid to admit,

because they don't want to first, like, come off shallow.

Like, oh, so you only like someone because of their physical attractiveness. They don't want to come off shallow. And also, I think they don't want to admit that it's a problem, because then now there's a problem to solve. I think they'd rather just sweep it under the rug. Every time I have a couple coming to my practice,

the first thing they'll say is, we'll find, and we love each other, we just haven't had sex. Can you give us some tips? Can you give us some tips? Wow. Yeah.

Okay, hold on. I want to talk about the, a lot of people aren't attracted to their partner and the other one. You'd mention, so you have couples to come in and they don't, they don't know what their sexual preferences are. They don't know what they're into.

“How do you, I mean, either one of them, either one of them now?”

It's very common. So how do you coach somebody that comes in that's not having sex and how do you get them to explore and figure out what they're into? That's got to be challenging. It is challenging. What is a fun challenge that I like?

Because it's so rewarding once people have their light bulb moment. Because they go, oh my god, I didn't realize I was really into this and now it brings so much pleasure to their sex life and connection between the two people. And how bonding is it that now you can have the sex that you actually want?

But you wouldn't be able to get there. How do you get them going though? You know, so that's why I name my book. How do you like it, a guy to getting what you want in bed? Because the problem with sexual communication is,

it's not that people don't want to communicate. A lot of people I know want to communicate, they just don't know how to get there. They don't know how to get there because they don't know the language. They don't know what they actually want, how they like it.

“That's why I tied on my book. How do you like it?”

First question, pre-requisite.

A pre-requisite to sexual communication is knowing what you like. So how do you like it? When I ask my students, I teach a class of 120 college kids every semester, this class. I ask them, so how do you like it, describe what you like in bed in five terms? And then describe who you are in bed in five terms.

They go, "Missionary?" [laughter] Blow jobs? You know, they don't know how to describe how they like it. Not just the action, not the position.

How, during a sexual session, what needs to happen in order for the outcome to happen? In order for it to feel so exciting, interesting, fulfilling and satisfying. They don't know. And then they also don't know how to describe themselves, actually. So I want to do this exercise.

I don't know. I don't know how to describe myself either. It's the way it works. How would you describe yourself as a sexual being? Who you are in bed? Shit. Can you give me an example? I can just write mine.

Okay. I'm kinky. I'm fun. And I'm open to try. I'm open. I'm open to try anything once.

Okay. So that's who I am as a sexual person.

But let's say 99% of people are sexual people. So how, who are you? All right. Can they be senses? Yeah.

“All right. I want my partner to climax before I do.”

Love. That's who you're a generous lover. I'm open to try new stuff. Love that? All the time.

What's all this time? Every day. Oh, you, you're high sex drive. Yeah. Okay. So you're a sexually energetic person.

You are a very open minded sexual person.

And you, um, what was the first one?

I want my partner to climax before. Your generous lover. So these are great things to talk about with your partner. Right. For those that are listening, they can think of like,

Okay. So first, like, who am I in bed? Then go from there because it's easier to describe yourself and the things that you bring to the table in the bedroom. Then try to get them to first share something because sex is such a vulnerable topic.

Volunteer yourself. Like, who are you? What are you into? Well, what is it like to have sex with you? Then from then on, that's a good conversation starter. Okay.

So that's usually an exercise that I do with my clients. They're usually not as fast as you in answering those things

“because I think in a couple of sessions,”

they're afraid of either offending their partner or saying something new for their partner to question, who are you? How long does it take for her? I mean, when you're talking about somebody

that doesn't even know what they're into, how do you, how do you, how do you, where do they start? I mean, I just, how do you just tell them, start fucking?

In her 40s discover that she had a fingering king. There are 40s? Yeah. Very common. Very common.

Especially for people that perhaps don't have a lot of sexual experiences either with either a lot of sexual experiences with one partner or sexual explorations with multiple partners. Like, they don't have experience. If you don't have experience, you probably don't really know.

And if you watch porn, it's points like a sport. You know, porn stars are athletes in sex. So when you watch them and you're saying, "Oh, I can do that too." Like, "No, you can't."

Because you are not the brawn of sex. Don't try this at home, ladies and gentlemen. Exactly. I think what porn needs to do, like what these videos, what they need to do is have those like disclaimer.

You will not be able to do this at home. But yeah, people don't know who they are in bed and what they truly want in bed. And that's why I wrote this book.

And the first chapter is actually, "What is your sexual profile?"

Because sexual self-knowledge is so empowering. Once you know, you have a language to engage in sexual communication. When you don't know, there's so much uncertainty. Uncertainty gives people anxiety.

“That's why talking about sex, so anxiety inducing.”

Because you just don't know much. But when you have a lot of information, talking is easier. So when you are talking to a couple that is not having sex, what do you tell them to do? You just literally tell them, "You guys need to go have sex," like right now.

Doesn't work like that. How does it work? If a couple hasn't had sex, let's say, not even the harder case. If a couple hasn't had sex for a year,

extremely common, by the way. That's common. How common? Like more common than that. In a long, long term relationship, I'd say like 50%.

My educated guess. Because there is a census, you know? Yeah, the statistic on that. But from my professional experience, I would say, "Yeah, half the people that have been married for over 15 years

that I've talked to haven't had sex in a long time." Maybe if you don't count like hand things or blow jobs, probably a year, but if you count those things, and maybe six months is very, very, very, very common. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, yeah, very common. So let's say a couple comes in. We love each other, everything's great. You know, we love our kids, like, live's great. We just haven't had sex for a year.

What's going on? And how do we get there?

There's a lot of things to first investigate.

Because if I just say, "Well, you guys got to go have sex tonight."

I don't find my partners attractive. There could be issues of, "Well, my penis hasn't had regular erection for a long time. And therefore, I struggle with getting it up or keeping it up." And that gives me a lot of anxiety.

There could be an issue of, "Well, I'm now perimenopause. And my vagina doesn't get wet." And that gives me so much insecurity. Because he, or not find that attractive. And he might think I'm not into him.

There could be an issue of, "God, I've just been watching so much porn. And I really want it to try aino.

But my wife will never go for it and he will think I'm a freak."

That could be an issue of, "Ah, I've been fantasizing about this guy on TV for a long time. And my husband doesn't look anything like this guy. There's so many things." Wow. That's in here that you can't just tell them people to go have sex.

So a lot of steps. So there's a lot to work through. Well, I want to talk about people that don't find their partner attractive. How does that happen? I mean, I know how it happens one way.

It's almost like a joke. It's a joke in society. People get married and then they let themselves go. And even though it's a joke, I mean, I see it all the time. All the time.

Is that where it stems from or is it?

The other thing I see is people that would never really 100% in before marriage.

And they don't have the courage to say that they don't want to kind of move forward because they don't want to offend their partner. I see that. Is that? Yeah, I mean, both of those things do happen.

So how do you fix that?

“Have you a heart of like the pillars of attraction?”

Maybe. So like attractiveness. How do we categorize different types of attractiveness? What you mention of like when people get married, they let themselves go. That's physical attraction, right?

Physical attractiveness. So there's three different types of attractiveness. And when you have all, you're like this goal star. What's like the number one thing in military?

Like, you know, someone that has done such amazing things that you get there.

Is it a goal star? No, that's. I mean, it's just a, I mean, we'll just on a scale or one to ten a ten. Okay, fair, a ten. So someone's a ten. Like, you have all these three things. Some people can have the two things, so get away with it. Some people can have the one thing, maybe get away with it for a bit, but not too long.

Some people might not have any. Now, the disclaimer to this before I talk about the three different types of attractiveness is that it's,

“it's very subjective and it depends on who's looking at you and who's evaluating you, right?”

Everyone has their own, you know, biases and preferences and life experiences that affect the way they see attractiveness. They're on type. So the three types of attractiveness are or the three pillars of attractiveness are physical attractiveness, social attractiveness and task attractiveness. Task attractiveness. So physical attractiveness is easy. Like, what we talk about, right?

Someone that looks attractive, you know, there is a conventional attractiveness. But then there's also like unconventional physical attractiveness that is based on preference. Some people love a ball tent, feel like, oh, I love ball guys. Like, whenever I see a ball, I'm like, oh my god, that guy is so hot, right? Some people love long hair, some people love blue eyes, some people love brown eyes.

Some people love, you know, ripped bodies, some people love that box, some people, so just all depends. But physical attractiveness is one pillar. That one's easy to decipher. Social attractiveness is personality and communication style.

“When you date someone, you have to like the personality, right?”

That's a huge part of who they are, unless you date someone shallow. And, you know, you just think, I just want a hot girlfriend, like, I don't care. I don't care what she talks about. I see that a lot too. Yeah, and that doesn't...

It never works out. No, no, it doesn't, because like I said, you need at least two of the three, not just one. So the personality, right? Let's say, one of the most common things that people talk about is introversion and extroversion.

And need their space and time and, like, quiet time?

Probably introverted. So that's what you find attractive. Some people are like, they want to date someone that's live on the party.

“Always in the middle of the crowd, telling jokes, right?”

Some people like that. So social attractiveness is those things. What do you like? What are your bullet points, right? Communication style. Do you like someone that's very upfront and say everything, you know, in your face,

just like that, conversational.

Or do you like people that are more swath and indirect in their communication?

Just depends. So that's social attractiveness. So now physical and social attractiveness. The last one is task attractiveness and women are very drawn to task attractiveness. Task attractiveness is capabilities, intelligence, success, financial stability.

These things are task attractiveness.

“So someone who is capable is capable of doing whatever the thing that they're really good at, right?”

You're really good at this. You're really good at being a part of the military, the Navy SEAL. You're really good at deciphering situation and keeping people safe. You're really good at interviewing and getting to the truth. One of the best things I love about your podcast is you're illuminating truths about different topics.

And I love that. So you're good at that. You have the capabilities. And that's attractive to a lot of people. Women will say capabilities is the most attractive thing.

Sometimes even before personality like social attractiveness and physical attractiveness. Another part of task attractiveness is intelligence. How intelligence, because capability is knowing how to do something, but intelligence is having the internal information to decipher and make good decisions. And then we also have financial stability.

Because sometimes people can have intelligence and capabilities, but they don't know how to apply themselves. Therefore, they don't have financial stability. Because financial stability comes from being able to apply these information and intelligence and capabilities. Then you get resources in return. So financial stability is another thing that women are looking for.

If you have task attractiveness and personality, you could potentially let yourself go a bit. Physically, you're not to say that everyone should do whatever you want, whatever you want, because you shouldn't. But at the same time, there is a bit of rule because you have these other two. Okay. If you don't have the personality part, let's say you're not just, you're not the most interesting charming person in the world.

But you're physically attractive and you have the financial stability and capabilities. That could go, right? That could work. If you have all three, you have a great solid foundation to have whatever fulfilling sex life that you desire and deserve. But that's not the truth for a lot of people. Okay.

“Would you say that women are the majority of women would rank task as the number one?”

I would say due to social desirability, women will say personality first.

But if I have to be really honest and also based on talking with so many women, whether that's in my life, in the college classroom or my followers, task attractiveness is the most important thing.

What about for men? Attractiveness. I have to say for a lot of men physical attractiveness is the most important thing. This drives from studies, professional observation and also what people think of when they watch porn. Like a lot of men may derive the definition of what's attractive based on physical attractiveness due to exposure to porn's in young age.

Like in porn are women portrayed as capable intelligent and has a good personality? No. Exactly. So you may derive to a destination of like, I want a woman like this from just being exposed to porn since young age, especially in this generation. Okay.

Okay. That makes. Do you feel like that's a mistake? Yeah. I do too. Mm-hmm.

Definitely.

One of the reasons why I find my partner very attractive is that he pursues passion in his life and he's unapologetic about going for something that's against the convention.

“He used to be a dentist and then he quit that completely to become an artist. That's, that's like big balls energy.”

Yeah. You know what I mean? For me, like, wow, like even that alone got me intrigued. Like what kind of a person leaves stable job behind to pursue something so uncertain just for the sake of passion and inspiration. That gives me immense inspiration.

I'm not saying every couple needs to have someone leave their job in order to find inspiration. Sometimes, you know, I have a friend who has a very beautiful stable relationship. They still have sex, you know, two or three times a week. They love each other, show a lot of affection. They've been together over 10 years.

And both of them have, like, you know, just regular nine or five jobs. But they still find inspiration in each other. You know, one of them is super into, like, just taking care of himself by a hacking weightlifting. So she finds inspiration of him staying healthy for himself or his wife or his kids. Like, him staying healthy is so hot.

Like, figuring out things to be healthier, so hot, so attractive, so inspirational.

“That's what she found in him as an inspiration.”

So what I'm saying is, like, finding something inspiration in your in your partner is going to be the catalyst to high relationships satisfaction and high sexual satisfaction. Okay. Okay. I want to move into the study, the five thousand person study that you did before I do though. Everybody gets to get that supposed to do this at the beginning.

They're just like gummy bears made in the USA. Love that. Can I try one right now? Of course. A bit hungry. We have a gift for you, too.

Oh, I love gifts. Well, gifts, we have gifts.

So I have to tell you, I first thought of bringing you a prostate vibrator.

But then, but then brings it. I think he likes gums. That could be in the form of a gums. And teddy bears. So, well, first off, I got you my book. And I want you to read the note. I'll loud. Dear Sean, thank you for illuminating the world with more truths,

wishing you the most orgasmic life. Dr. Tara, thank you. Then, this is really good, by the way. Do you like those? Two teddy bears.

These are from my apartment. I think your husband's stopped. Yeah, it's my apartment. And they're upside down because the motto for these. So these are called smiles.

And the motto for him is different is good. Yeah. Of it. Thank you. And, of course, we can't come here without gun-related stuff.

He said that was better than a prostate vibrator.

“But, I think I won't need to still ship you.”

Holy shit, this is, he made this, didn't he? Holy shit, this is awesome. I want to scratch this thing. No one is not super, super dry. It's not.

Oh, I'm going to leave it in here then. That is awesome. Yeah. Very cool. Thank you. It's going here in the studio.

Yeah. And that is cool. Oh, 1911, Stu. Sorry? I love 1911.

He knew. Yeah, that's cool. I mean, I don't know if I like it better than a prostate massage.

I've never tried a prostate massage.

I need to send you one. What? Why? What is a prostate massage? It's a vibrator or a prostate.

Men use this for what? A prostate orgasm. A prostate orgasm, what is that? You're just so good. The prostate massage with a gummy bears.

Well, while you have your gummy bear footage, what was that massage? Oh, my gosh. So there's two different types. You can do one that you is small. You can do it into your anus and experience prostate pleasure that way.

There's also one where it's just a ball of massage. Like a massage or a vibrator. And you put it in the area between your anus and your balls. The premium. The child.

The child. Yeah. What did you call? The child. Is that what it's called?

You've not heard of called the child. The taint? I've heard it called that. I feel like boys have so many nicknames for that area. Like they just have so many nicknames for that area.

But yeah. So massaging your prostate is supposed to be extremely pleasurable for men. To the point where some can have that type of orgasm without ejaculation.

“So when people ask, can men have multiple orgasms like women do?”

The answer is yes. Interesting. I didn't know that. Mm-hmm. Right on.

Yeah. Tell me about PO Box later. A couple of really good bosses. I'll send it to you. Perfect.

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Again, that's 10% off your order when you go to ridge.com and use code SRS. So let's talk about this study. So you'd sample size of 5,000 Americans in relationships. One of the largest quantitative studies on sexual satisfaction conducted by university researcher at this scale. Looks like you found a number of findings.

Do you want to go through some of them? Sure. Alright, finding number one, the gap. More than one third of Americans in relationships are sexually unsatisfied.

“This undercuts the cultural assumption that having a partner means your sex life is handled.”

Finding two. The predictor.

Sexual communication is the single most powerful predictor of sexual satisfaction.

Above physical technique, frequency or attraction, finding three. Secondary predictors. Sexual mindfulness, the ability to be mentally present during sex. Sexual confidence and sexual, or excuse me, and self esteem. Finding four downstream consequences.

Sexual dissatisfaction predicts physical health problems. Mental health issues. Relationship, deterioration, divorce, and breakups. And this turned into a wildly successful TED talk. Publishing the textbooks.

What else did you? Let's start with number one. Let's talk about that one.

“So, I think when people think of sex, they think, "Oh, just find a partner."”

Especially Gen Z, because I teach Gen Z in college, right? The most pressing issue for Gen Z guys is just finding a partner. It's not sexual communication.

Whenever I teach these things, they're like, "Oh, just get me a girl first."

I can't even find a girl. I don't have Riz, Dr. Tara. Have you heard of Riz? No. Oh, it's Gen Z for charisma.

Or like being able to get a girl. I know. I don't have Riz, Dr. Tara.

Get me a girl first before you even teach me sexual communication.

Who do I talk to? So, not their most pressing issue. The most pressing issue for them is not finding a partner. But then the misguided belief that a lot of people have is having a partner solves all issues when it comes to relationships.

When in fact, you know this by now, you know, being in a relationship for so long,

“that communication is the most important thing in a relationship.”

Whatever issues you have, communication is going to be the tool that solves those issues. Those problems. So, you know, when I find that a lot of people are unhappy with their sex. By the way, like, you know, one-third is conservative. I think it's more.

But due to when people take surveys, you know, they have biases and desirability purposes. Right? Like, they don't answer the truth. I think it's more.

I think it's more than one-third.

I mean, it doesn't spread to me. You just mentioned that you thought that 50% of people are not having sex. Yeah. I think it's more in relationships. Yeah, in long-term relationships.

I think it's more than one-third. But yeah, one-third of Americans that were a part of my study were not happy with the current sex life that they have. And to me, as a professional in this field, it's not mind-blowing to hear. It's actually quite common. It's affirming of anything of my professional observation.

Maybe. Maybe. Whenever I tell people that don't work in this field, they call, "Oh, my God, how do these people live?" Like, "What is their life like? What is a relationship like?" And you just get through it.

You get through it. Like, you get through anything. You just wake up, you eat your breakfast, you go to work, you come back, you have dinner, watch some TV, and you go to bed. But that has to be unhealthy. We're talking about people.

It first you mentioned people in had sex in over two years, adults.

I mean, what are they doing? Are they having affairs, are they porn addictions? How do they release? When I say they haven't had sex, it doesn't mean they haven't had masturbation. So people self pleasure all the time.

They just don't have sex with each other.

“Would they rather self pleasure than have sex with each other?”

Hmm. A lot of people would say that. Yeah. Yeah. If I have to guess, a lot of people listening and watching have this experience.

Where, yeah, I just don't want to bother anymore. I have initiated so many times, got rejected so many times. I don't bother anymore. I just go jerk off. I think that's a lot more common than anyone with think. And people might feel ashamed that that's happening to them and their marriage.

What they don't know is other people would do it too. That it's really common. And when you think about people who say, you know, I just don't bother anymore. I'll just do it myself, you know, same result, right?

I just want to orgasm, I just want to come, like same result. What is not the same? Not the same. Not the same. Because what's missing is human connection.

That sexual connection with your partner is the distinguishing difference between a friendship, roommate, friendship, and a romantic relationship. Apart from asexual people, in which, you know, a lot of times they get left out of this conversation, but it's only about 1% of population. Most people want to feel sexually satisfied fulfilled and connected with their partner.

They want to be able to, you know, hug each other, kiss each other, and feel like there is this strong bond and connection. When they don't have it and they think it's fine, whatever, we can coexist and do life together.

“What happens to them is not only it affects their relational health, right?”

The relationship is dry, right? It affects their emotional health, the mental health, the physical health. Because what we know is sex is healthy for you. For your physical health, right? For your heart health, for your pelvic health, for your prostate hormones, all those things.

It's good for your mental health, because it's a connection with a human being.

and spending a lot of time at home watching TV. And then your emotional health, what a lot of people don't think about. Emotional health is extremely important. Being able to express different emotions and talk about different emotions, very important. Feeling safe that you can express these emotions in a relationship.

It's very important in a relationship, but very important for your sex life as well. A lot of women that I talk to will say, "I'm too afraid to bring it up." And men as well, "I'm too afraid to bring it up." The fact that you're afraid to bring it up shows me that there is a gap in that relationship. That you don't fully trust that your partner has your well-being at the top of their priority.

You don't trust that you can be who you truly are and express how you truly feel.

If you can't do that with a single most important person in your life, you're going to struggle.

Yeah, no kidding.

“You should be able to express pretty much anything, especially when it's a concern.”

You should be able to express anything to your partner. If you can't, and I know a lot of people will have a light bulb moment right now, if you can't, there is something deeper. So, sex, not having sex, sex less marriage is a symptom of something deeper. It's not just about sex, sex is never just about sex, sex is about everything else. What could those deeper things be?

It could be one of the hardest things to lack of attraction. I have zero desire for this person. How would you say that to your husband or wife? That's one of them. And another one is loose.

How do you say that? How do you say that? I don't even respect that partner anymore.

Whether they let themselves go physically, whether they lost their job and never try to get another job,

or whether they used to have ambition and no longer have ambition. Maybe they used to have a lot of friends that they can cultivate relationships with. And now they're just alone in their dungeon, watching porn. Respect is a huge thing. And if you don't respect your partner, you don't want to fuck them.

You know what I mean? Respect is a huge thing. Attractiveness is a huge thing. Trust is a huge thing. When someone say they will do something and they don't do it, you lose trust slowly.

When someone, you know, knacks at you or give you a negative comment about who you are, you get these paper cuts. And the more of these you have, the less likely you're going to want to have sex with that person. So yeah, there's a lot of deeper issues than just like, oh, they haven't had sex. Go have sex.

Here's a sex toy. Here's laundry. Hmm. It's way more. How do you get people to communicate?

“Let's just bring up what do you think the most common is?”

Is it loss of attraction? I think loss of attraction. How do you communicate to somebody? How do you teach somebody to communicate to somebody that, you know, that they're no longer attracted to their partner? And I see this a lot.

When somebody, maybe both people in the relationship just completely let themselves go, whether that's like what you'd mention, whether that's, you know, that's their internal drive, you know, their occupation. What I see a lot is physical appearance, you know, get married. We have a kid. We're comfortable. Both people get fat.

Hmm. Comfortable. That's, that's a killer word right there.

You should never be too comfortable.

And that's controversial to say. But that's my belief in a lot of professionals believes. And one of the relationship experts thought leaders as their parallel. Have you heard of her? Hmm.

She talks about that a lot and how, like, people get way too comfortable in their relationships. Like, comfort isn't necessarily a good thing for your relationship.

“Not to say you should feel uncomfortable, obviously, you have to feel safe.”

Being with a person, you have to feel safe. You have to feel you can lean in and trust and rely on each other. But at the same time, when people get comfortable, they get all of these things that you just described, right? They let themselves go in many ways, not just physically, many ways. In order to bring up something like this, you don't want to ever make your partner feel inferior.

You want to bring up the positives first. Have you heard of the shit sandwich? Oh, yeah. I'm a business owner, Dr. Tara. I know about the shit sandwich.

Exactly. Here are the things you do really well.

“You can improve, but you also do really well in these things.”

It's the same philosophy with your partner.

Is you want to bring up all the amazing things that they're doing.

And why they are so attractive in those manners. All the great things that they're doing. And it could sound like anything from, you know. Like, I know that I haven't said this a lot recently, but I just want you to know that you're such a great mother.

I love watching you with the kids, like you have this demeanor of you that you can just like dissolve any situation when they have an argument or anything like you're such an amazing mother. And I feel very lucky to be with you and have a partner who is such an incredible mother. I'm noticed that recently we both haven't been working out or eating right. And I feel like it has been affecting, you know, our energy.

We don't have that much energy throughout the day. It has been affecting maybe how we feel about our bodies or how we feel about how we look and our movements throughout the day. So I'm thinking, then going to a solution. So I'm thinking, like, what if we both get, like, this is just a total example.

What if we both get, like, class pass and we start going to these, and gym classes together twice a week, you know, we'll have my mom watch the kids, we'll help over to, you know, the next street to this place, and then we'll go to these classes together.

“You have to have a solution to bringing back an effectiveness,”

rather than just say, you're unattractive, do something. Right. Like, what are the solutions and how can you be a part of it? And you put it on yourself too.

Participating with the solution is extremely important

because a relationship is a team. You want to be a team. You don't want to be like, here's your problem. Go fix it. Finger pointing is the worst thing you can do in a relationship.

Blame someone, right? That's the worst thing you can do. So find a solution, communicate the solution. Well, first start with the good things. Communicate the situation.

I don't even, I don't even like to say a problem. I just say situation, because this is situations temporary. Communicate the situation, communicate the solution. How you can participate in the solution. Then end with another good thing.

So end with what I really love about us is like, you know, whatever that we experience, we can talk about, like a lot of people can't do that.

Like, you know, Emily and George, then never talk.

Or, like, talking about other people together, can also bring together. You know the function of gossiping. It can be, it can be really bonding for couples, sometimes. Especially when it's harmless.

Like, oh, you know, Emily and George, like, they can never bring these things up. Like, I so appreciate that we can talk about these things and bring things up. Like, you're just, you're fucking amazing. Thank you so much.

Right on. Like, you know, just so grateful that we have this open communication. Mm-hmm. Done. So, yes, sounds easy, because I'm giving an example.

It will be hard, but it is something you can do. I know that's not easy. There's no way. No. And so, what I want to ask to is,

how many people refuse to take the steps to, to, what do I say? Become attractive to their partner. You know, if, if, if, if, if my partner, uh, my wife, my girlfriend, whoever,

you know, let's say they, they got, or I, let's say they got, you know, just, they could take care of themselves. They turned into a slum. They're not cleaning up after themselves. It's a fairly overweight.

They don't want to go to the gym. They don't want to. They don't want to adjust their diet. They don't want to look at any weight loss supplements. They don't want to eat any of that kind of stuff.

I mean, I think a lot of people, I would think that a lot of people refuse to, improve themselves out of their own ego. Am I, am I on on that? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, right on the dot. Is there a next step? There is this narrative about,

“you should love me for who I am, and not try to change me.”

Mm-hmm. It's not bullshit. I pull that all the time. No, it's bullshit is that. Like, you know, you, you, you knew me this way.

Why do you want to change me? Like, you know, you should love me for who I am. True love is unconditional. Mm-hmm. Come on.

Yeah, it's both selfish. Be realistic.

Um, when people say things like that,

it's just a protection mechanism. It's a protective mechanism. They don't like themselves.

“They have a problem with their own self-concept.”

Mm-hmm. They have low self-esteem. They have low self-worth. And low self-trust. They don't believe they're capable of changing.

They don't believe they're capable of changing. And they also don't think they're worthy of those positive good outcomes. So that's a personal problem. Okay. Once you communicate these things, right?

And there's reciprocity, right? You may be also asking questions. Is there something that you'd like me to improve or change? Right? Make sure it's reciprocal.

After this conversation, if they still go on with life, doing nothing at all and refuse to embark on any sort of plan to change, that's a personal problem. At that point, you sort of have to make a decision. This is the hard truth.

Whether or not you want to stay and help this person change and improve, or you have hit the ceiling of the growth mindset that they're not willing to have. Okay. And what decision would you make? Stay together.

Help them more try and try or split up.

And a lot of people choose the second.

I would imagine.

“That's why we have such high divorce rate.”

I would imagine. I would imagine. I mean, I can't talk. I'm divorced, right? Divorce of my first husband. Now, with my current husband,

I try to do all the things that I didn't do in my first relationship, making sure that I'm being proactive of everything, including taking care of myself, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, being a hundred percent with him,

offering all the things that I can, bringing everything to the table. Because I know that a good relationship is high-stake, and you should treat it that way.

Because of his low stake, it means we just stop trying.

Good point. Good point. What else did you find in the study? I found that three very important predictors of sexual satisfaction are sexual communication, sexual mindfulness, and you would like this, and sexual confidence slash sexual self-esteem.

What is sexual mindfulness? Sexual mindfulness is the ability to stay present, completely present, and non-judgmental, and feel all the sensations during sex. A lot of people have very low. They score very low in sexual mindfulness.

Therefore sex isn't very pleasurable, because you can't stay present. You think about the dishes. You think about the kids. You think about plans tomorrow and checklist.

You're not there. You can't feel the sensations that's going on, and the pleasure that's happening in your body, but you have to receive it. You can't feel it.

That's mindlessness. Mindfulness is being more to stay present, and non-judgmental is very important as well. A judgmental lover can be judgmental to themselves and their partner. So they can go like, "Oh, I don't know.

I don't like the way I look naked. I wonder if he's looking at me and thinking like, "Oh, this is weird. My boobs are weird. What do I smell like down there?" Or you might judge your partner like, "Oh, I just...

His penis is terrible." Or like, "Oh, I just wish he shaved." Or like, "Oh, he's terrible at dirty talk." Like, "You can't stay focused because you're judging." And all of those things you need in order to be there,

to connect and to feel.

“So that's why sexual mindfulness is extremely important”

in a good sex life. How many people struggle with that? A lot. That's a lot too. Because if you imagine in real life,

how many people struggle with concentration? Like, being able to focus. I mean, shit, I think everybody struggles with concentration, but that'd be done. During sex?

Even harder, right? Do you meditate? Sometimes. Yeah, so people that meditate research found that they have a better sex life.

People that do yoga, research found that they have a better sex life.

It's the ability to focus.

Since they present with your breath, breathing is extremely important. I haven't been able to squirt until I was able to connect my breathing with my genital. Then I was able to experience the glory

of squirting orgasm. My favorite feeling in the entire world. So sexual mindfulness enables you to experience these all these good things. Okay.

And who struggles with that most? May I let you know? I think women? Women? Yeah.

We're over-thingers. Women are over-thingers. We think a lot of things. We tend to do what it's called. Spectering.

Go out of our body and watch what's happening. So we'd be like, "Oh, what do we look like? How do I feel about this?" Oh, do I? Should we change this position?

All these things. We have to get out of that and feel our body more. And just focus on the present. Focus on the partner. Like breathing together, the sensation.

Maybe the thrust. Maybe the hands. Maybe whatever it is. Whatever the act is is focusing on what's happening. And breathing deeply.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. What else do we find?

“Sexual self-esteem and sexual confidence are very important.”

And people don't understand the difference between the two. So when you see a confident person in the room, do you usually say, "Oh, that person's so confident." Or do you say, "That person has really high self-esteem." Confidence.

Yeah. So you say, "Oh, that person's confident." Because confidence is what you can see. Confidence is external. Self-esteem is internal.

So people can fake it. When you hear people say, "It's fake it to you, make it." It's fake your confidence until people believe that you are. Not necessarily truly feeling your worthy on the inside. Self-esteem is internal.

Self-esteem is what you should work on. Because when you have high self-esteem, you're most likely it's correlated. It's significantly correlated. So when you have high self-esteem, you will come off as confident. You express yourself confidently.

So work on your self-esteem. We're going to sexual self-esteem, which is believing that you are capable of good sex and worthy of good sex and orgasms and pleasure and connecting with your partner. Okay.

“So how would somebody work on their sexual self-esteem?”

I have three different things that I teach my students. The first one is positive affirmations. Are you a big fan of positive self-talk? No. Okay.

Positive self-talk. There's a lot of positive psychology research out there, a lot.

Saying that it's one of the most important predictors of high performance.

And that is in all sort of psychology research, like sports psychology particularly. People like LeBron or Tiger Woods or people that are really good at sports. People that are the best and what they do in sports, because this was based on sports psychology,

tend to do this positive self-talk and positive visualization. Thinking they already won. Visualizing specific scenario of winning. Okay. I did do that.

I visualized. I don't talk to myself from my self-up. So visualizing is non-verbal. So you are talking to yourself non-verbally. Okay.

Because positive self-talk isn't necessarily always verbal. It can be verbal non-verbal. If you imagine positive things happening to you, you are non-verbally self-talking. Okay.

Yeah. So you do that already. Most high-performing people already do. And a lot of personal and development people talk about it. It's important because our brains are super-computers.

And what you tell it, it will believe. So if you continue to tell yourself, "I'm so stupid. I'm so ugly. I hate my body.

I hate my penis. You know, I'm not worthy. No one wants me.

“Like, that's what you are going to believe.”

And that's who you become. But if you believe, you bring things to the table. You believe you are attractive. You are interesting. People want to talk to me.

Like, you know, then that's what you are going to believe about yourself. Same thing with sex. So sexual self-esteem. How do you build it? So first is positive sexual affirmations.

So saying things like, or writing now or thinking about it, that you are worthy of pleasure and connection.

Your body is sexual and amazing.

That you have an amazing penis.

And it works. It works whenever you want it to work. You have firm and great erections. Things like that.

“So telling yourself that either verbally or just think it or visualize it,”

all of those things aren't great things. So that's one of them. And all of that, there's a lot of research to prove that works. Secondly, it's sexual meditation. And sexual meditation is similar to regular meditation,

but it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings and sensations in the body. So when you sexually meditate, you sit down, and you can be naked in order to have body parts be accessible. You can be naked sit down, and you can do this with your partner as well. It's one of the great non-penetrative sexual activities that you can do.

You can think sexual thoughts together, and that can be the last time you had hot sex together. It can be an imaginary scene of what you want to happen. It can even be, it can be something that doesn't even involve your partner. It can be something that's just about you,

maybe you're masturbating, and for the first time you have regular erection, because a lot of people struggle with going soft after like a minute or so. So let's say you imagine that while you meditate and take deep breaths, there's a lot of research, actually based out of university of British Columbia. There's this sex research lab,

“and my Dr. Lori Brotto, that talks a lot about these sexual mindfulness practices,”

and how amazing they are in improving sexual functioning,

sexual arousal, so if you people feel more aroused, and sexual satisfaction. So sexual meditation is one of them. I have guided sexual meditation clips on YouTube, if people like to listen to someone and just follow the guide, because it can be thinking sexual thoughts, it can also be feeling your body.

So I'll guide people to take the breath and sing the breath with like playing with the nipples, and then now go down to your pubic area, massage your pubic area, clockwise, take a deep breath again, now massage it, counterclockwise, doing these things allow you to zone in, right? You zone in, you sing your breath, you practice it regularly, do the same thing during sex,

it translates. In couples do this together as well. You can do it together, yeah. So there are, like, for example, my meditation tracks, like there are some for couples and some for solo.

What would a couples meditation be like? What would you do as a couple? Take deep breaths, sing your breath,

“thinking the breath is very erotic, very hot.”

Sinking the breath, whole hands, follow the guide, part of it would be like, you can now touch each other's chest, you know, take another deep breath, you can now touch each other's pubic area and inner thoughts, do this while saying things like, and I'll give an example.

I love your body, I adore your body, I desire you.

People have never done that in their life,

so when they do it, it's a huge turn on. Interesting, interesting. Definitely try, you're going to try tonight. I probably will try tonight, so my wife can't wait to get home and talk about this conversation.

Usually she's not like that. Is it what you're on the dark shit? You're on cover. You keep bringing up men that are not comfortable with the way their penis looks.

So what is it that a woman is looking for and a man's penis that makes it attractive? That makes them attractive? Yeah. I would say based on research,

people will say, at least an average size, there's firmness to it and hygiene. You will not believe how many men don't take care of their hygiene down there. They just let things grow and they just,

they don't wash it properly. Maybe they wash the shafts, but they don't wash the balls, but then you know when she goes down on you, like the whole thing they smell together. It's together.

Okay. You don't want to have cheesy dick. Gotcha. Yeah, you want to wash the whole thing. Wash.

If you're on circumcised, you're going to pull it down. Wash the under. Wash the balls. Wash the pain. Wash your butt hole.

Like all of that combined. Like wash them thoroughly. Holy shit. Because when it's nice and clean and well trimmed, some women may get shaved.

Because when she gives you a blow, she doesn't want stuff in her face, gives her pimples. You want it to be desirable for her to go down on you. That's the thing.

That's my tip.

you can, like, if the first thing you can do, you should do it

because if there's a lot of hair, she might feel like it's irritating. And if she cares about her skin, right? A lot of women have, you know, they're like five steps getting care.

She might not want to go down on you just for that sole reason. Every time I do it, it gives me pimples. I don't want to do it. Yeah, so trimming, shaving, whatever, keep that area nice and neat, like you'll lawn.

And wash it thoroughly. That's the very first step. Take care of your whole body, right? Small good.

“But also, I think the main thing that men are insecure about”

the main two things that men are insecure about are size. And holding an erection. Because a lot of men, and you can probably guess this, especially if they're not very healthy, physically. They can keep an erection that long.

Either they can't even get an erection, or they can't keep it that long. And that's like, it's hard. I feel, I feel for them. It's hard to feel that way because you will have sex with a girl

and then all of a sudden, you know, my big soft. It's very threatening. It's like, what do I do now? It hurts that self-esteem, self-concept. Who they are, and confidence for the next time.

Because in now, they might not want to try. Because it might not work again. And what does that do? It hurts your face, right? It's face-threatening.

It's something to be ashamed of. But they shouldn't be.

Because it's like, I always say,

it's a situation, not a problem. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And you can work with a situation.

Right on. Yeah. All right, let's say quick break. And then, now, when we come back, we'll be talking about the science of great sex. Let's do it.

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For a long time, I wasn't really dialing in my sleep. If your sleep is off, everything feels harder the next day.

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All right, Dr. Tara, we were going into the science of great sex,

“but then right before we walked in here, you had, what did you do in orgasmic?”

orgasmic? Hypnosis. In Ibiza. All right, what is this? So it was a retreat.

It was a weekend retreat with this hypnotist expert who is an expert in helping people experience bodily orgasm through hypnosis without touch. So the training was on both sides. You trained to receive, but also trained to give.

And it was incredible. It was my, let's say it was the second time in my life that I had

an orgasm without anyone touching me. Wow. Yeah. orgasmic hypnosis. Wow.

It's a real thing. If you watch videos of his retreat, you'll see how many people women and men have these orgasmic experiences. And those men were very,

“mine was subtle because I think I was halfway conscious of there's so many people in the room.”

So when I was orgasming, I wasn't so loud and uninhibited. Like I would in a bedroom. But some of these people, they are able to let go completely. And they had the biggest loudest, most amazing body contorting orgasm. Holy shit.

Yeah. You should try it. Right. Yeah. I've tried many things, Sean. I love what I really love to do is exploring. I've tried these like all the retreats.

Like I just love going on them and just see what it's like for myself. Because I can tell people as a social scientist. I can't tell people what to do unless I've done them. What are some of the other wild experience experiments you've done? I've done so many.

Can they talk about what I can't talk about on the show? Okay. Are there things I can't talk about on this show? Yeah, you can talk about whatever you want. I mean, I love the orgasmic hypnosis experience.

I've had an anal retreat. An anal retreat. Yeah? What is that? I mean, I got a good idea.

What the fuck? What the fuck? He murdered about it. An anal retreat.

So I have never had an anal orgasm, not until that point.

I've never felt pleasure, annually. But I know that anal sex is a part of exploring with a partner. And it can be very pleasurable for the other person as well. And yourself. I just felt like I'm missing out for the fact that I've never had like anal pleasure.

So I reached out to this person who is a sex-alogical body worker. Have you heard of that? No, definitely not. A sex-alogical body worker. Yeah.

So do you not know like the four types of sex therapy? No. You want to talk about it? Yeah. So there's four types of sex therapy.

There is a talk therapy. So sex therapy is like Vanessa. Talk therapist. So talk therapy. There is somatic sex therapy, which is body movement.

Because a lot of times when people have, let's say, energies stuck in that pelvic area.

And a woman has never had an orgasm in her entire life.

It could be that. So talking about it won't help. Movement will. So somatic sex therapy is the second one. Third is sex-alogical body work, where it's one way touch.

So the therapist will touch you and work on your body for whatever issue or situation you may have. And then the last one is a serrigate sex-serrigate therapist. So this is a two-way touch. So just like a serrigate that carries babies. You, it's a sex-serrigate.

So they either have sex with you or other types of sexual activities.

“Whatever your situation or issues are or trauma that you have to get over.”

They work with your body together with you. But in that, you can't just go to a sex-serrigate to have sex. You have to work with a talk therapist, like a sex therapist.

and then you get to go have sex with a serrigate to like solve whatever issue you may have.

“I've talked to a serrigate therapist that has had mainly disabled clients in her practice,”

and she's in how life-changing it was for them.

There was a younger guy in his 30s in a wheelchair that has never participated in mainstream dating culture,

because he's disabled, but not only that he was also mentally disabled, and just haven't been able to participate in the mainstream dating culture or sex culture. And through his therapist was referred to the serrigate, and he, for the first time, you know, went to see the serrigate and they talk first, and then they went through an exercise where they both get naked.

And he's on the bat, she's on the bat, and she puts her naked body next to him, cuddle him, and put her head on his chest, and he just started crying. Wow. Because he just never thought he would ever be able to experience something like that in his whole life. So, it could be a very, very powerful.

So those are the types of therapy. Sexological body worker was the person that I work with for my anorotry. So she taught me how to have anorotry. Okay.

“Yeah, through, like, touching me in different areas and working with me to understand my body,”

and what types of touch, what types of penetration, what types of toys I can use,

what types of music should be playing, like things like that. So that was very helpful. But I had an orgasmic time with her, and that was really eye-opening for me to learn to, like, you know, sex. And that's just one of them. What else?

There's somewhere I'm going on a sex cruise. A sex cruise. Interesting. Luxury cruise through Europe. So it's out of Barcelona, and we'll go to, like, beautiful places in the Mediterranean,

where every day there are sex workshops. What kind of sex workshops? How to give a better blow job, how to do BDSM, how to do Shibari. What's wrong? What is it BDSM?

Have you heard of BDSM?

Probably, but what is it?

It's bondage, discipline, domination, submission, and sedism, masochism. It's like a whole lifestyle, sexual practice, and philosophy. So there can be, like, light BDSM. So if anyone has, like, spanked their partner, like, you know, slap that ass.

Spanked the partner, or maybe, like, light, choking at home, a little bit hair, pulling at home, like, all of those are BDSM, but it's light. Like, at home, BDSM. You know? BDSM.

Because there are also people that go to see, like, dominatrix in a dungeon, like, professional BDSM. So there's that. But then there's also, like, BDSM, where you do, like, handcuffs, like, light things. So there's classes for that. There's going to be classes for bondage, where they teach people how to use robes.

Um, yeah, there would be lots of classes. So I'm on there teaching. So I'm going to be teaching sexual communication for adults, talking about, like, different topics. They should talk about in her sex life. How to explore, like, different kings and fetishes through communication.

So that's going to be the class I'll be teaching. But I'm going to be also going to these classes and exploring new things. There will be, like, a sex positive shows every night. So, like, cabaret, burlesque. Okay.

You know, naked people to antique. Right on. Things like that. And then there's also, like, a private room where consensual adults can swing if they want to. But it's not necessarily the key.

“Like, the key is that there are sex workshops every day.”

And that it goes to these beautiful European destinations. Gotcha. Gotcha. So when we're doing that this time. So we come back with a whole no sloth of skills.

Yeah, I will. Like, if you have one, I'm in back next year. I'm going to talk about all these other things. I've also trained with a professional dominant tricks as well. Really?

Yeah, I have a certificate. I should have brought it. I have a certificate. I'm a certified dumb. Right on.

Yeah, it was. So I'm making this TV show called "Sexplore." And it's all about me exploring different sex subcultures.

In a, like, almost, like investigative journalism way.

Just showing people what's there. Not a propaganda. Not like you should do it. But like, here's the menu. Very cool.

And one of them was me training to become a professional dog. Right on. And it was. What is this coming out? Do you have a soldier yet?

No, you're. We're just making it. You're just making it. Yeah, I mean, three episodes. Nice.

Yeah. But yeah, but it was a very, very interesting experience.

Because I've never, I've never really been into BDSM or that lifestyle that much.

But I've always been intrigued because a lot of people that practice it religiously will say that it's transformative for their life and their trauma. Like a lot of people will say that it's healing for them. So I'm just curious. I want it to go in with blanks late and just see what it looks like. And I was trained by a Dominatrix call, Mistress Damiana Chi, who also has a PhD in psychology.

And she has been a Dominatrix profession on a Dominatrix for over 25 years. So I went there to train with her in LA. And her dungeon was very. Interesting. Oh, but it was.

It had everything. Things I've never seen in my life. I mean, if you've ever seen like 50 shades of gray, it's like more stuff than that. Wow. Everything's in there.

Everything. So like there's, you know, stuff that's for like bondage stuff. There's stuff for pain. There's also stuff for like medical stuff. Everything.

I'm not an expert in BTS and by any mean, but practicing. Those things with the subs that were there for as volunteers have been a very empowering experience for me.

“Because as a Dom, you have to take control of the situation and your subs do what they're told.”

And the subs were men. And I mean, these men were very high powermen. You know, I can't share obviously it's their confidence. There's confidence reality with their identity. But they are men that make a lot of high power decisions in their daily life.

And they just want to not do any of that in sex. So when it was training, it was with volunteer subs like that. They were her subs, but they were there to volunteer for me to learn from them. Wow. That was another wild experience.

That sounds wild. I mean, did you, what do you think now? Are you into it? Yeah. Really?

I would say it's a spectrum. So to say I'm into it, I'm not into it here. I'm into it like here. Like if it's one to ten, I'm probably like a level four. Every once in a while.

“And also with a participant that might enjoy it, right?”

Like that would that want to do and that gives them pleasure. It's not fun when you inflict pain or discipline someone when they don't like it. It's only it's only fun when they find it pleasurable. Like I want to give people pleasure. I'm a very generous lover of my husband would have tested that.

But with BDSM, it's all about consent. It's all about negotiating and consent and putting things in writing and signing it off. Putting things in writing? Oh yeah. Yeah.

BDSM contracts are very clear. Very, very clear. If anything, I think people that are not practicing BDSM should take note on that or like signing a contract on sexual preferences. Really thinking through the things that you really like, they pleasure map. You talked about pleasure mapping before.

Did I? I can't remember. Have you tried pleasure mapping? No.

“So have your wife touch a well touch massage or lick different parts of your body and take note of which parts feel the best?”

I already know that. You can't just say penis. I think they have to be other parts on the body too. Come on, John.

All right. You're not amazing man.

Like a rogeness zones which are zones on the body that are most arousing. Okay. So yeah. Pleasure mapping is what everyone should try is massaging, touching, pulling or licking different parts of the body from like back to the ears. You know, face, chest like down the tummy, pelvic area, but fingers, toes like everything and then just take note of what parts are the most arousing.

Okay. You also like get to talk about things like that in BDSM, like what feels the most pleasurable. So if anything, it's like a lot of sexual communication. And it was interesting, like I wouldn't say I'm an expert of that, but I would say that it's an interesting practice that I would practice more lightly in my life rather than professionally. Okay.

And it was it was tiring. After two days, I was like, I'm really tired. Like, it's hard to be that tough all the time because not in my personality. I think you have to have a personality. So what is it?

It might be able to be a good dog. Are you a dumb and bad? You probably are. I've never done it. Well, you like dominant.

Probably. Yeah. Yeah. So what is the point? What do people get out of it?

Pleasure. I mean, you were I get that, but I mean, you were saying a lot of these men make a lot of decisions. Important decisions, I don't want to be doing that in the bedroom. What do they want? What is the premise of it?

Pleasure. Pleasure. Yeah. Pleasure in exploring the taboo. Is it the lack of control?

Yeah. Okay. Really using of control. Surrender. Okay.

Yeah.

“In a way, you know, when people do psychedelics, like you have to surrender mentally.”

So this is surrendering, surrendering mentally and physically.

And pain isn't necessarily always the point, because pain comes with discipline.

Like if you've done something wrong in the scenario, like role play, you're wrong. You then get discipline, but pain isn't always the point. Like sometimes it's just serving your mistress or goddess or serving your dominatrix. Like in that scene, because that was just practice, right? In that scene, like they were on their knees the whole time.

The whole day. Wow. At some point, I was like, are you okay? Do you need her? And then the dominatrix, like, did the...

She's like, don't ask them that. Take them. It's like, oh, I'm so sorry. She's like, don't apologize. I guess I don't have the personality for it.

But I was like, my God, you've been on your knees all day. Damn. Wow. It was an interesting experience. It sounds like it.

So that's what I love to do. It's exploring. It's good stuff. When it's like, what is like in that arena,

I don't have to always do it in my real daily life,

but it's funny exploring. Makes sense, makes sense. All right. So let's move to the science of great sex. What do we start here?

I mean, I would say, understanding great sex.

“You have to understand it from three different perspectives.”

Personal, relational, and societal. So personal, where are some of the things to consider? Are you a healthy person? Do you take care of your body bodily functioning? You know, do you have your genitals?

Work regularly? Do you have to go see your doctor? Is there pain? Some women experience a lot of vaginal pain? You've got to go see a doctor for that?

Some men can have reliable reaction? They should go see a doctor for that? So personal is like, a lot of yourself. Like, what about you? Bring the best sexual partner to the table?

Right, not just physical stuff, too. Also mental, emotional, psychological. Maybe you have sexual trauma. Maybe you have bad relational experiences in the past. And you have a blockage.

Maybe emotionally, you're not emotionally open. And therefore can't express enough of your emotions to make your partner feel safe and held. A lot of things about yourself. So that's your personal situation. You've got to figure out that everything's aligned personally.

And that's one aspect of the science of good sex. Okay.

Second aspect is relational.

So first one is you yourself. Second is you and me. So our preferences. Our sexual profiles. Our communication, our sexual communication.

Our relationship in general. If the relationship isn't in a good state, sex is not going to be good. So relational is you and me.

“And then societal is what are some societal messages or societal norms that affect your sex life negatively?”

If you are in a certain society or subculture where sex, like, let's say, anal sex,

For example, then you'll have a lot of shame trying to tell your wife that that's something you want to try. Right? Or if you're in a society, like, a lot of places in the Middle East, women can't really have any sexual desire, can they? Exactly. Like, you know, they have to cover their whole body and only show their eyes. Like, if you're in a society like that, that's going to affect your sex life regardless of, you could work on yourself,

which I doubt you can because you wouldn't have the knowledge. But you could work on yourself. You could work on your relationship. But societally, like, it doesn't allow you to have good sex. So the science of good sex is personal, relational, and societal. And these things have to go right in order for you to foster a great sex life.

Okay.

If you spend any time off road like I do, you already know how easy it is to end up second guessing where you're at.

Whether you're still on a legal trail or if the route ahead is even more taking.

“That's why I've been using on X off road.”

It's an off road navigation app that shows trails, public and private land boundaries, places to camp, and detailed trail info all in one place. And what makes it really useful is the amount of actual trail data. You can check difficulty ratings, terrain details, trail photos, even recent reports from other writers before you head out there. The other big thing is you can download maps ahead of time, because once you lose service out there, your phone is pretty much useless. But with on X off road, everything still works offline.

And if you're riding with a group, their location sharing feature lets everybody stay on the same map so nobody gets lost or separated. What I like most about it is it gives me a lot more confidence when I'm exploring somewhere new. I'm not wasting time backtracking, accidentally ending up on private land or trying to figure things out once I'm already deep into the trail system. I can plan ahead, know what I'm getting into, and spend more time actually enjoying the ride instead of worrying about navigation the whole time.

Search on X off road in the app store or Google Play. Again, that's on X off road in the app store or Google Play. Four sexual personality spectrums. Consistent versus dynamic, traditional versus kinky, mononymous versus flexible and gentle versus animal. Can we go through some of these?

What is consistent versus dynamic?

“Okay, so this comes from the first chapter of my book, what is your sexual profile?”

When you take the quiz, it will give you the results of who you are based on these different dynamics, so different dimensions. Then you have the language to talk about it. So the first one, whether you're leaning consistent or leaning dynamic, again, it's not like binary.

It's not like I'm dynamic always or I'm consistent always, but you're leaning one person, like you're either leaning this or this.

If you're leaning dynamic, it means you love change. You love variety, you love changes, you love trying new things, you love like in a sex session, you might want to try two or three different positions. You might want to try a new sex toy, you might want to try half sex in the living room sometimes. Bedroom sometimes, kitchen sometimes, car sometimes. That's a dynamic lover.

If you are a consistent lover, you love consistency and one thing that consistently gives you pleasure. So you may be a missionary lover and there's no shame in any of these things.

“You can be anything and be a great lover, but you might love missionary.”

You might go, I need missionary every time to come. Like if I try these things, it gets me out of the mood or out of my mojo, I can't focus and orgasm. You might have one vibrator that you love that you try all the time. You might only like having sex in your bedroom in a specific way, clean candles lid with a certain music, consistently every time. Not like changing here, changing there, gets me out of the mood.

So some people are consistent lovers, some people are dynamic lovers. Okay. Which one are you? Dynamic. Okay.

So you love variety. Okay.

So that's the first dimension.

The second dimension is whether you lean towards kinky or more conventional. If you're traditional, if you're a traditional lover, you like sexual activities that are conventional within your society. So we're in America. The conventionality is a bit larger than, let's say, you know, Iran or, you know.

Conventionality here might be sex between two people.

Missionary. Maybe dokey. Hand-jong, oral, maybe a cow girl, like woman on top. So that's like the top five conventional sexual activity. So if someone is traditional, they enjoy sex within the conventionality.

So only those things. If someone leans towards kinky, there's a spectrum within that as well, right? Because there's people that may enjoy anal from time to time and can be kinky versus someone that lives a BDSM lifestyle 24/7. There's a difference between that as well. So even kinky has a continuum.

But if you lean kinky, it just means that you like things that are outside the convention. So you are into something that perhaps might be seen a little bit unconventional.

I think anal sex is still considered taboo and unconventional.

And then other things, maybe it's toes, maybe you like sucking toes.

“And that's the only way you work as a certain fetishes.”

BDSM, three sums, things that are unconventional are leaning towards kinky. So you're either traditional or you're leaning kinky, but with the caveat that within kinky, there's like level one to ten. Yeah, what are you? Probably lean towards kinky.

Would you know if you self-assess which level one to ten? Probably on the lower end. Like a three? Yeah, maybe. Okay.

I think a lot of people, a lot of people surprise themselves when they take the quiz. Because they think, like woven Ella, we just like these things. But then after they take the quiz, they're like, "Oh, I guess I'm leaning more kinky." Just never explored. Monogamous versus flexible is that open relationship versus.

Not completely.

“So monogamous means sex is only pleasurable for you.”

If it's only between you and your committed partner. Flexible means it doesn't have to be a committed partner. So it could be open relationship, but that's like at the end of the spectrum. But it could just be that it doesn't have to be a committed partner. It could be casual sex.

Some people enjoy casual sex. People travel a lot. They might enjoy that type of lifestyle. Some people might get into some shenanigans. Let's say they go on a bachelor trip to Vegas and had a three-sum.

That's flexible. Because they don't believe sex must be between two people in a committed relationship together. So flexibility just means flexible. And then monogamy means sex with one commit partner.

Okay. Gotcha. I'm not going to ask you on that one. You want to answer?

“Yeah, I would say now that I'm married monogamous.”

You would be surprised how many men take this quiz. And they actually lean flexible, but they wouldn't tell that to them. Really? I'm monogamous, honey. Gentle versus animal.

Animalistic. Yeah. So this is how you express in bed. So other things are preferences. This is expression.

So if you lean gentle, you prefer soft touches, caressing, whispering, soft kisses throughout the body. Kind of like, let's get it on Marvin Gaye. Love making type. If you lean animalistic, you love heart grabbing,

hair pulling, of not always hair pulling, but just like a lot of pressure and tension.

So heart grabbing, scratching, screaming, loud moaning, things like that. So some people express themselves that way and some people express themselves in a more gentle way. Which one animalistic? Yeah. There you go.

You are dynamic and kinky monogamous and animalistic. What happens when people are mismatched? A lot of people ask me that. So your relationship is not doomed. When there's a mismatch, it just means that there's more conversations to be had.

You have to talk about how to explore a certain level of the other person's dimension.

How can we have traditional sex sometimes? Kinky sex sometimes. Right. Talk about that. But kinky, what level are we talking?

Right. Traditional.

“How many times can we spice it up with just a tiny bit of this?”

So it's more conversations. It doesn't mean you're completely incompatible. Okay. However, it is harder for couples where all four dimensions are different to foster compatibility. Okay.

Just more work. Okay. And now you can have your wife do the quiz as well and then you can talk about it. I will. What's the biggest misconception men have about creating great sex?

That it's all about their penis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Women can have incredible mind-blowing orgasms without your dick.

And that can be either hard to believe or hard to take. Some people don't want to take it because there's ego attached to their penis. What do you mean? She doesn't want this, right? Yes, she does, but it's not necessary.

There are so many different ways for women to orgasm.

“And if you think of orgasms as a reward because it's what it is, right?”

And you talked about this with Vanessa as one. I love that episode. When you orgasm, there is reward hormone, right? Dopamine, but there's also oxytocin and serotonin. So it feels great and connecting.

It's a really euphoric feeling. So if the goal is for sex between you and her to be pleasurable, and if, like, let's say you are on some medication in your penis, you can't get an erection. It's not necessary.

Like, you can give her an orgasm without your penis. You can, she can have easily have clitorial orgasm, much easier than vaginal orgasm. Clitorial orgasm, nipple gazzle, by massaging her breasts and linking and playing with her nipples or an extended period of time. Some people can have orgasm with a penetrative toy.

So if you use a dudo and you participate, like, you're the person giving her pleasure, but you use a toy that works as well. So many different ways you can go about without involving your penis at all. If your goal was to give her an orgasm and a pleasurable time. So men tend to be very insecure about whether their penis is big enough or if it's working right.

So I always ask what's the goal and if they tell me,

my goal is for my wife to always have an orgasm and, like, love sex with me and sex just means like all kinds of things. Then I said, yeah, and you don't, you don't need to involve your penis. I mean, your penis is great, but you don't need to involve your penis. So it's okay. Like, you can be the person that gives her all the pleasure, the sole provider of pleasure without your penis.

What would the biggest misconception be about for women? I would say that women believe about men. You mean, like, a misconception that women believe about themselves? About great sex. About great sex.

What creates great sex? That they have to have sex all the time. That frequency creates great sex.

Because I've always had a women that come to me and go, oh my god, like, my husband wants to have sex every day.

I don't have that kind of energy. Very common. Then I go on and ask a bunch of questions that lead to the fact that she believes in order for her husband to be happy with their sex life. She must have sex with him every day. Regardless of quality is quantity over quality.

“I think that's what they amiss conception.”

They think what it's great sex based on their husbands or their male partners. That's not true. Because it's always quality over quantity. Research found that the happiest couples, more sexually satisfied couples, have sex at least once a week. So if people love numbers and want a specific number to adhere to, it's at least once a week.

Vanessa said, like, if food is good, you want to eat it all the time.

“If food is not delicious, why would you want to eat it again?”

It's like as simple as that in terms of logic. But when it comes to what women think, what great sex is, I think they think great sex has to involve vaginal orgasm every time. Women that are not very sexually educated might think that orgasm means vaginal orgasm. But orgasm just means pleasure. So you can have clipped oral orgasm, and that's your thing.

That's your thing, girl.

You can have that every day all the time, and that's amazing.

And it releases the same happy connecting hormones as other types of orgasms. Okay. Interesting. So we've talked a lot about couples that aren't having sex more than a year, two years. I think you even brought up 10 years. It's fucking crazy to me. But what about the couples that have a lot of sex?

And they want to spice it up. And so the next section I have is kinky sex fetishes and what's actually normal. But does that, so if somebody is, you know, if there is a couple and they're just they're just like, that is just we've done it, we've done it all the time, but we're not doing anything new.

“You know, does that mean they have to go down the kinky road? What does that mean?”

What do you tell them? Sexual exploration is the spice of life. And if you have been together a long time and you do have good connection, good sex. But it's within the realm of a container. Like, you know, here are the men, like, let's say you have five items on a menu and sex is a restaurant.

And you have five items on the menu. And after 10 years, you're like, oh, you know, I've only had these five items, like, what's sushi like?

What's tacos like? I don't know. We've never tried. We've never had it.

You might have like an inch of trying sushi or tacos if those are not on your menu already. So I would say for those couples is to try different activities for sexual exploration. And that can be it's so vast, right? Obviously, the things I've tried, you can try. Like, this summer, you can take your wife to orgasmic hypnosis retreat. And I be as a-- In Ibiza. And go to a class together try orgasmic hypnosis to see if you guys can hypnotize each other and to have an orgasm.

Like, that's, you know, that's one way, but of course, like, that's a lot of resources and time off and right, not viable for a lot of people.

“But I'm just saying that exploration can be anything from like that to, like, let's say, have you guys ever try a sex toy together?”

What do you mean together? Like, a couple's vibrator or a cock ring that vibrates for her clitoris.

So there are sex toys for couples to try.

There are sex toys for men, like I said at the beginning, like a prostate vibrator or massager for maybe your wife can give you pleasure through that and try it. While, you know, massaging your body, maybe your chest or maybe playing with your shaft while using the prostate vibrator. So that's one of them. There's a practice that I call like penis worshipping. And it's just like, dedicating the whole session in, like, two of the penis without expecting anything in return.

And of course, there's the opposite of that, which is pussy worshipping. And doing that as well. And why would anyone do it? It is a practice of devotion. Sometimes when you do life together for so long and you have kids and you have bills and you have responsibilities.

You forget to devote to each other as husband and wife. So these practices where it's just solely about you. I'm here to give you pleasure and I'm excited to be here. I'm not being forced to be here. I'm not lying on a whatever, I'll give you a blowjob.

I'm excited to be here, giving you pleasure. It's all about you. That's devotion. And I think relationships, long term relationships, particularly need moments of devotion. In order to remind ourselves of our romantic connection outside of all these things, bills, taxes and children.

So those things are great. There can even be smaller things like, you know, when you go out on a date night, pick each other's outfits.

You can cook delicious F Afrodisiac foods for dinner together.

You can try anal. F Afrodisiac food, anal lingerie. Prostate massage, orgasmic hypnosis, sexual meditation for couples. Showering together, right? That can be quite sexual.

You don't have to have penetrative sex, but you can shower together. You can maybe even try using a tutorial on her while taking a shower together. See, if you can make her come in the bathroom, a new challenge. You can, if you haven't done food play, you can try involving flute food. One, two foods that are great for food play that doesn't disrupt the body or honey and coconut oil.

Because they're both anti-macterial. So if you put like chocolate up the vagina, that doesn't look like that, it will mess with her pH and she might get a UTI or use infection.

“But honey and coconut oil tend to be safe ones for like, let's say you want to spice up your oral, right?”

Usually you just go down on her. Maybe put coconut oil all over her vulva, lick it off. That could be a play. Okay. From men, like women can put honey on their nipples and try to lick it all that way.

It could be fun. There's so many, like, if you call me and you're like, we want to try something. I have like thousands of things that I think I can go on forever, suggesting different things. It's just depending on your capacity. How do they strike up these conversations? Especially, I mean, we went through kind of the compatibility things.

So what if, you know, what if there is a couple that's got healthy sex and there, you know, maybe they're in combat or maybe they aren't. One of them is more a kinky than the other. How do they bring up? How do they communicate that comfortably? Mm-hmm.

My favorite thing to say, the shit sandwich. The shit sandwich. That works for every topic that's hard to bring up, you know, if you're going to fire someone or do other things that in business that's hard to do, you would do the shit sandwich. It's kind of similar because sex is so vulnerable and it's hard to talk about.

You want to always first start with how great it is already, right?

“Especially if it a relationship is good already, you know, not to say you should lie.”

But like, you should remind each other how amazing our connection is. Like, I'm just so grateful that, you know, we've had this great sex life for 10 years, like, you know, just hurts the statistics from Sean Ryan's show and like most people don't even have great sex. You know, a third of people don't even have sex at all. So the fact that we have sex this regularly is just like, you know, hallelujah.

And like, thank you for being like such an amazing partner to me and so grateful for that. We've been trying, we've been having really great sex. What I heard from the Sean Ryan podcast and the Sean Ryan show is this lady, Dr. Tara was talking about, like, I don't know, it sounds pretty crazy, but she was talking about how she tried, let's say coconut oil while going down on her husband and, you know,

we have coconut oil in the kitchen seems like maybe that's something we could try. Like, a baby step into trying something new together. Like, I could put it on you and go down on you and, you know, you can do that to me. And maybe that's like the first step in trying something new as well.

And then of course, and with another good thing of like, you know, I always, I love, like, you have amazing BJ skills.

Like, I love that. And you know, definitely not going to change that. But, you know, adding, adding other things to the menu might be fun and interesting for us. Now that we've been together for 10 years and we've tried a lot of the things existing things already. What do you think? So I think that'll work.

Yeah, yeah. So that's, that's like a conversation that you can have. I mean, the reason I'm asking is because, I mean, at the beginning of this, we had talked about how we talked about communication and how it's taboo to kind of talk about this.

“So I think, you know, a lot of people, they're just uncomfortable talking about the subject in general.”

And so then when you get to something like that, it's uncomfortable. Yeah. And I'm realistic enough to say it is uncomfortable and it will be uncomfortable for you for a while. Even even for me, if it's something that I know is very, very brand new.

It is uncomfortable and it's hard to bring out, but I will always try to bring it up with that method.

Okay. Something amazing already. Here's a new little thing for the menu. But you are amazing. Okay.

King practitioners report higher satisfaction, better communication, stronger trust. Misconception. King keaks will's violence, degradation, reality equals consensual exploration of powerful sensational fantasies. Fettish is a more common than people think. That's true, huh?

“Yeah. Yeah, I think King has a bad name.”

People think kinky, they think, oh, these weirdos doing these weird shits.

When in fact, yes, they are, you know, weird people perhaps doing bad things.

But then there's also people that are not weird doing bad things. You know what I mean? Especially with all the news that came out, like there's, it's a sensitive topic to talk about kinky sex, because then people equate to look. Oh, like the diddy sex, right? Yeah.

Immediately equate to non-consensual sexual activity. When in fact, when you're in a relationship, you're allowed to be kinky. Or even if you're single, like as a human, you are allowed to be kinky as long as you communicate it up front. And the kinky sex that you have with your ponder is consensual and pleasurable for both. Who am I to judge or we to judge?

If it's within a beautiful relationship, they both want to explore. They communicate about it and they accept each other, acceptance is a huge thing. I won't judge. It's consensual and pleasurable. Go for it.

“What are some of the, what are some of the most common fetishes people tell you about and private?”

I'm just, I'm asking because it kind of, you know, it takes the taboo out of it. You know, it's, oh, shit. Other people are into this. I'm not a low, you know. The most common fetish is foot fetish. Really?

The most common fetish in the world and in the United States is foot fetish. If you go to a very famous website where people like sell foot picks and connect with other people that are like minded, there's millions and millions of users. Like a lot of users and people are really into feet, but they're too ashamed about it. But also this, this fetish, it has like different variations because some people might be into feet in terms of, oh, it turns me on gives me an erection. It gives me a heart on, turns me on.

Others might be like, I need to involve sex. Oh, I need to involve feet in sex every time in order for me to orgasm. Like can't come without feet. So that's like a necessity. Well, others are just like, yeah, I love feet. Like gets me really turned on.

“But then they just have, you know, missionary sex or whatever while massaging her feet or whatever.”

Some people need to like use feet with the penis in order to come. So just variations. Some people love watching women in heels, collecting their heels, give them an erection. Some people love bare feet. Some people love dirty feet.

Some people love feet in socks and stockings. Some people love feet in sand. Some people will pay so much money for women as they're on cake. While they like masturbate. Really?

Yeah.

I've never heard of that.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So there's variations of different footages. Not there.

They're not all the same. And people aren't into different things. But sadly, a lot of times, people are very ashamed of having it. What are some other ones? So there are, there's, I mean, people that are into pain.

Like it could be a fetish, whether into pain. People that are into, there's so many different fetishes. Fingering, like fingering fetish. Where they have to be fingered every time. Women usually.

They can have anal fetish. They can have balloon fetish. Balloon fetish? Yeah. Where they love balloons.

Either like being next to balloons. The touch of latex, like the balloon. Or like popping balloons.

An arm pit fetish? Yeah.

They love smelling, leaking, touching, putting their face next to it.

Putting their penis next to it. Wow. Yeah. There's so many fetishes in the world. There are obviously fetishes that should not be acted upon.

Because it's illegal. Right. Like, involves children. Like, those are unacceptable.

“And you need to work with a professional.”

Psychiatric professional. For things like that.

But, you know, there will be fetishes that involve children.

Involve, hurting other people, like, for real, not consentually. Cutting. Oh, Jesus. There could be Nicarphilia, where they, like, having sex with a dead body. Okay.

Like, corpse. Let's keep it light. I don't want to go down. This reality, having sex with animals, illegal, but not in some states. I don't know why.

Oof. All right. All right. Yeah. Let's move on to...

Let's move on to...

So, we have a huge military first responder audience.

A lot of these guys are silent professionals. So why is it... Thank you. Why? Why do men perform...

How do I say this? High performance men. The silent professionals, the military types, the stoicism, the stoic types. Why is it that they are good at performing everywhere else? Except the bedroom.

Hmm. Love this question. I thought about this. And I also thought about some of my clients that I worked with that are veterans. And I looked into the literature as well.

There is a huge... Emotional and behavioral discrepancy between being...

“In high-pressure military-esque situations where you have to be regimented, follow strict rules.”

And you cannot be emotionally vulnerable. You have to be mentally tough. And stay on course with these strict rules and actions within your attitude and behavior. Sex is... It's freeing.

It's... Vulnerable, emotional. Some people are orgasm and they cry. Like, it's almost the opposite of being regimented. It is being fluid in a scenario where someone you love being completely open to them.

Vulnerable allowing them to see a part of you through everything else, through the flesh. They're two very different scenarios. So of course, that makes sense that if you're really, really good at this scenario, you might not be able to translate. A couple of different skills that you can do in that into this other scenario that's so different. So that's the main explanation of the fact that in sex, you have to be so open and vulnerable.

“And in these high-pressure military-esque scenarios, you have to be more like closed, tough, and stay on course.”

So that's the main situational difference. Okay. I think that with a couple of my clients, there's also this deep-rooted belief about masculinity. You want to talk about that? Yeah, let's talk about it.

I think in military, sometimes men are taught toxic masculinity. Can you tell me what you think is the difference between healthy masculinity and toxic masculinity? I think toxic masculinity is a facade. I think it is fake masculinity. It is, how do I say this?

To me, toxic masculinity means somebody that is not comfortable enough in their own skin to be a man. And so they over-embellish what they think masculinity is, which they think it's, I don't know, I mean, I don't think dominant. Just over-embellishing everything.

You know, constantly want to throw their weight around everywhere.

I think that's all awesome people around. I mean, I think that's, it's a fake man kind of, you know, the way I would describe it. And then real masculinity, I think, is you are comfortable with your masculinity.

“So you don't need to over-embellish it and it's there when you need to pull it out.”

And you don't have to display it 24 hours a day, let everybody know how fucking tough you are. People will figure that out on their own. That's, that's, that's kind of how I would put it. I love it.

And I think it's very accurate.

I would agree with you that toxic masculinity is just a facade. And people bring up things like being domineering, you know, run over everyone. Like, I make the decision, I'm the man of the house, right, not listening to people, not having empathy, not being loving because that can be seen weak or feminine. So all those things are very toxic and perhaps within that culture, you tell me,

I want to hear from you, perhaps within that culture, there's a lot of characters like that.

“There are a lot of healthy men as well, but I think there are a lot of characters like that,”

where that sort of toughness, regardless of anything else, is rewarded. Versus healthy masculinity. Yes, you can be the protector, the provider. You know, someone that leads the family makes a lot of important decisions in communication with your partner. But you also know how to communicate, know how to express certain emotions and unnecessary within a relationship.

Learn how to communicate your boundaries and ask for the other person's boundaries. And help guide your partner and the family to a place where there's where it's fulfilling and healthy. And healthy masculinity has all these things combined. But I think with veterans that I've worked with, perhaps there is a lingering effect of no, no, no, no, no. Like, I gotta be tough. This has to be a certain way.

And so after I work with them, I realize, like, okay, they don't think showing a lot of affection is masculine. Being very loving is seen might be soft. When, in fact, they want to be, but they think they shouldn't be. Or else it's not like masculine. So being very loving, expressive things like those things that are not considered masculine for them.

So I had to, like, reprogram them that, like, listen, you give me masculine masculinity is heart, healthy and attractive. But it needs to be healthy. It needs to be good for you and your partner. Not these other things. I'm the man of the house. I make all the decisions. Like, she's not, she's inferior to me. Can't have a king without a queen.

So when I reprogram them to, like, you know, you can be loving and masculine. You can be empathetic, try to understand your life and be masculine. You can be touchy, like touchy and affectionate with your children, give them kisses and be masculine. You can talk about how certain things make you feel bad. And how do we improve it is masculine? Because that is having the courage to talk about heart things.

That to me is super masculine. So perhaps masculinity isn't what you thought it was. And after reprogramming and talking about all these characteristics that can help them flourish in a relationship, they tend to have more capacity to then talk about sex with their wife,

and be more emotionally open to the things they're into that perhaps they didn't never want it to talk about before.

And yeah, so I always highly recommend men that have been in high pressure, high power situation,

“like that, to audit their beliefs and rethink about how do I be myself?”

How can I be myself, but 2.0? Is it true that the stoic silent type is the highest risk pattern for relationship breakdown?

Yes, because when you say, "Oh, I'm just stoing."

I'm not the kind of guy that tell people how I feel. You're already losing the battle. A human experience is just a bunch of emotions. You go through everyday feeling different things. If you're not feeling all of them and communicating them with your partner, you've already lost the battle.

If you pry yourself in only being stoic and closed off in order to maintain order within your life,

that's not going to be a way to have a happy and fulfilling long-term relationship.

“Because order, maintaining order in your life, isn't necessarily out the most fulfilling, interesting, exciting life is it?”

I have a lot of women who are in a relationship with somebody like this, wind up just going through the motions if they don't leave. Or they cheat, but they don't get caught. And so, how do I say, for somebody that's in for the male, that's in that relationship, for the high performer, that's in that relationship, and his wife, or his significant other, or her husband, or whatever, the partner. How can you tell if your significant other is just going through the motions?

That's a really good question.

If they no longer communicate what they want. When people already give up, which we call it quiet quitting, people usually quiet quit their relationships six to twelve months before they ask for divorce. So, already quit, and I can relate to that, because I was already quiet quitting eight months before asking for divorce. When people are quiet quitting, they're no longer asking for anything. They're no longer telling you what they want, what their preferences are, this no point.

I've already quiet quit this relationship. And either I quiet quit and just stay in it in the meantime until I have enough courage or a good timing to mention, I want to get a divorce, or I'm getting it somewhere else, and this is fine. This is my life situation. I can have affection, excitement, and sexual satisfaction somewhere else. Interesting. I mean, also though, just to kind of counter that a little bit earlier,

we were talking about the fear of asking what you want, and how just how high of a bar that is alone to get over.

“And so, if you're with somebody who's going through the motions that is also scared to ask what they want, or they never have before, are there any other signals?”

Also, when I said they no longer talk about what they want, I don't just mean sex. Oh, okay. Yeah, like for example, if your wife used to say things like, "Oh, I want to go on a date night," or like, "Can we make sure we do a date night next week?" Or if she goes, "Oh, I want to go shopping. Can you get me a new dress?" Or if they go, "We haven't been on a walk on a beach in a long time." Like, should we both leave our phones and go walk on a beach? If she was to tell you the ones, and she no longer does, that's a good sign that she's checked out.

Okay. Yeah, so the ones in the relationship, not necessarily sex. Sex is one of them, but sex is really hard to decipher. Okay. Yeah. And how should that person approach to fix the problem? Have a tough conversation. Might be easier with a counselor, like a relationship counselor, or a couple therapists, because these conversations, they're high stakes, very emotional conversations.

Sometimes when two people have them, they end up just fighting, and they end with a conflict. So if resources is available, I would try to find a couple therapists to help navigate this discussion. Do you find that most couples are open to sex therapy? No. No.

“Because that means that first step, you have to accept there's a problem.”

A lot of people don't accept they have a problem, or a situation. How many people stick with it? Like if they present, many people start.

Really? They come in and they just want to say their peace. I want to get it out of the chest. That's fine. And that solves whatever 5% of their problem. And then I would give them a solution, like here's a plan.

“You need to come back for this, this, this, you and her need to come back for this, this, this, they don't.”

So I have a lot of those. I'm safe 50% of the people that I've had sessions with have never had another session.

Wow. Wow. Okay. I always wonder, like are they still together? How did it worst?

What's the situation? My guess would be that they're not together, or very unhappy together. Going through the motions. All right. Well, let's take another quick break.

When we come back, we'll head some Gen Z stuff.

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“Starting to wrap it up here by next section before we get to Gen Z moderating stuff is what do men actually need to hear from their spouse?”

Tactical frameworks. You're regular or excuse me. I have number one regular intimacy check-ins to express desires and boundaries clearly three non-verbal communications strong throughout the day. Hmm, love all those notes. Those are great notes from my book. What do men need to hear from their partner? I think I need to understand this question a bit more.

And what should their partner tell them on a daily basis or weekly basis or what should. Not just from their partner, just what do they need to hear? To be a successful partner, successful in the bedroom, all of that stuff. What are things that they need to hear? So what are regular intimacy check-ins?

What does that mean? What they need to hear is that you are accepted the way you are and whatever you're into, it's valid. A lot of guys out there have certain desires and fantasies and they live with it in so much shame. So I think whatever the men out there are going through sexually, whether it's something that they're into that they feel a bit unconventional,

Whatever it is that they are desiring, know that they are valid and that they are accepted.

Okay. Yeah. I think they need to hear that. Okay.

“Regular check-ins. I think it's extremely important for couples to have regular sexy check-ins.”

And I say you should have it monthly one monthly and then one annually. A monthly one can easily be things like, you know, how would you rate our sex life last month from one to ten? And why? What's something I can do to improve that my one point? We're looking for a gradual improvement here, not unrealistic goals. And then what can we do together to improve that by one point? These are objective questions that are really, really good for every relationship.

Is it hard to bring up?

Yeah. If in your relationship you don't have that sort of repertoire, if you've never talked about sex in your whole life, bring up like, how would you rate our sex life from one to ten last month?

“Isn't it top? So yeah, there's prerequisites to, you know, you should talk about sex, other things like preferences.”

What do you like? That other, other easier things before you get to, let's do this weekly or monthly or annually. But it is important because people change, they change and grow and their preferences do too, whether they grow that through self exploration, like feeling their bodies and they learn something new, or they watch, you know, erotic movies, porn and they learn like, oh, like, I really like that, or I want to try that, right? So people change and grow their life situations also change, you now have young kids, that change a lot for people that go through and they have old age parents, dying parents, they have to take care of that changes their life situation, all of that affects your sex life.

So checking in with each other once a month is necessary. Yeah, and I highly recommend that it's a part of the study that I did where I found that sexual communication, like checking in and having that sort of conversation regularly helps predict long-term sexual satisfaction. Okay. So I'm going to give you a challenge. Oh, boy. Tonight with your wife, when you get back, you're going to ask her, how would you rate our sex life? Let's say in the last couple months, how would you rate our sex life from 1 to 10 and why?

“We actually talk about this all the time. Great. So what ratings have you been giving it to me? A 10. Oh, I love that. So you guys prioritize your intimacy a lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What do you think that is?”

I mean, it wasn't always like that, you know, but we put a lot of effort in, you know, we put a lot of effort into maintaining and maintaining yourselves, maintaining ourselves, you know, and so

that translates to confidence and comfortability, comfy and comfortable in the bedroom and yeah, so it's Do you talk about preferences? Kind of. Okay. You typically talk about like, do you feel good about our sex life, right? Yeah. So you talk about quality. You don't talk about preferences as much or expansion expanding the menu. We have not talked about expanding the menu. I don't think.

Okay. So that's a new challenge. Okay. Might be easier for you because you already talk about the quality of the sex life that you guys have together. Yeah. Talking about like preferences, like making sure of these parts, they'll feel good. Any other parts that you discover that you want me to try. Preferences. That's good. And then perhaps expanding the menu, especially after the conversation today. We have done that. I think maybe I wanted to ask this later on, but you don't know what you don't know.

You know what I mean? And so I guess this will kind of go along lines of like, you know, when we're talking about exploring new territory and that issues and all that kind of stuff. And you know, Vanessa has this game. And that was going to ask you if you have something like that, where it kind of uses the, what do you like, you know, what do you want to try? What do you, and because I think even if you ask the other person is, you know, there's still a hesitancy.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you have any suggestions like that?

Yeah. So a game, my game is super simple. You don't need to spend any money. It's free. Anyone can try and do. It's fun. It's called squeeze licksuck SLS, different from S-R-S. So squeeze squeeze licksuck, it's almost the set up of it is almost like playing charades at home. Like you need just a bowl and small pieces of paper. You write down different parts of your body that you think feels good or might feel good. To explore through these actions, you fold it and put it in a bowl and then you guys take turns picking up an item and then you say the action.

“If you want to try that part, squeeze, lick or suck.”

Okay. And then you explore through that game. Right on. It's very non-threatening because it's like, relieve it to chance. And yeah, like you pick whether you want it squeezed, lick or suck. So you have some sort of say to it. And that's good exploration. And it's fun.

Interesting. Yeah. Well, try that one. Let me know how it goes. Hi, well. Perfect.

And then express desires boundaries clearly.

I think we talked about this non-verbal communication throughout the day. What do you, what is that? What are you talking about? Physical touch. I think our society is touched, starved. We want more touch.

Humans deserve touch. Touch allows us to feel the warmth and affection of another person. And it doesn't have to be sexual touch. In fact, non-sexual touch is better for your sex life. Let me explain.

When you're in a long-term relationship and sex become sort of formulated, every time you touch them, it might communicate. Oh, like, we're going to go have sex. If she is not into it, every time you come over and do the boom hong or kiss on the neck, she thinks, oh, I must turn into sex, then psychologically,

that touch is now something that's unwanted. Like she tends this up. It's an answer. Like, you want something for me. So I only get affection when you want something for me. Not a good psychological state to be in a relationship.

You want to feel like you get touched and you get affection. All the time from your partner when nothing wanted from you in return, and not an ask.

“So that's why non-sexual touch is so important.”

You can hold their hand at any time, rub their arms like this at any time, that, like, hope put your hand on their thigh, at a restaurant, kiss them on the cheeks, on the lips, on the face, on the hair, on the neck, on the chest, on the arm, on any time. Give them a little foot massage, as you guys watch TV.

Maybe a little peck. No sex, like, no sexual favors in return. All of these things will accumulate into your love bank and the love bank translates into more desire, sexual desire that you'll have for you.

I can guarantee it because on non-sexual touch is one of the things that women complain to me the most. It's like, whenever he touches me, he just wants something. Not a good feeling. No.

He comes over and kiss my neck. I have to give him a blow job. That's so good. Yeah. No, not a good feeling for women.

We don't want to feel used. We want to feel like an active participant in this. And therefore, if you make us feel loved and cared for, that love bank is more full.

“And I think there's just more capacity for us to have the stronger desire.”

But before we move on, anything else that men need to know about need to say, need to do, before we move to Gen Z. So many things. Men need to know about men. So I'm going to run through a few different things that I want to talk about.

So first, sex toys are your friends.

They are your friends. In any activity we do in the world, we have tools to make it better or easier. Why not sex as well, right? Doesn't mean that just you and her is not enough. It's completely enough.

So sex toys of any kind. Sex toys for hers. Sex toys for him. Sex toys for them. Sex toys for us.

Like whatever it is. Try to shift your perspective from it's a competition. It's not natural to like, oh. In anything in life we do, we have aid. Why not this?

So that's the first thing that I want you to expand the definition in the menu.

The second is-- What's a toy somebody should start with? To help her have an orgasm every single time. Clitoral massage. Okay.

Clitoral vibrator. But there's so many different kinds. So I would say a high quality one would be high quality silicone. Like high quality material. They will say medical grade silicone.

One that's quiet in the screen. Because nobody wants like, oh, like a machine down there. Like those big ass like ones I don't like.

“I think small discrete quiet really good doesn't kill the moon.”

One that's perhaps waterproof is good. So you can use it in the shower if you ever take a shower together. These are just a few criteria.

There are ones that I really love that are like pleasure jewelry,

meaning like you can wear it as a necklace. But it's a vibrator. So you can like whip it out and like tease it and use it in a naughty way. Like in a car. For example, if you were driving back from date night,

like you know, like, what don't you turn that on and put it on to like get the engine started? Yeah, I don't think the guy's ever going to go. You know, if she does the signal, oh, she just wants something. Maybe I do that all the time.

I have a necklace that's also a vibrator. If I get it, my husband knows what's going to happen. Yeah. All that is not going, oh, she just wants something. Oh, she likes it.

Maybe he feels used. I don't know. I should ask him.

“Do you feel used every time I grab this?”

So that's one of them. Another thing is I would love for people to from I would love for men to consider non-penetrative sex. Ask sex. People think having sex is only vaginal penetration.

Like they usually say, oh, we haven't had sex forever. I'm like, oh, but did she like this? She'd give you a blowjob or a hand job. He's like, yeah, he cheated. That sex, like you had sex.

So expand the definition a little bit. So that it gives is almost like training your brain to accept more reward. Okay. Yeah.

Which is healthy. Like it's going to be good for you. Because then you get reward more often. So expand the definition, not just vaginal penetration, counts of sex, everything counts of sex.

Even if you guys do mutual masturbation, Linux to each other and masturbate. Both can be in each other's presence. There's moaning, there's naked bodies. Still hot.

Let's work. Okay. Okay.

“Men that have a lot of bat pictures on dating apps.”

And they say they don't get any matches. It's because of your pictures. This is a bit random. But I've read a lot of studies on this topic because I love talking about dating apps.

And men that in real life are a catch. Don't get a lot of matches unless they structure their dating app. They dating profile in a strategic way. So if you're like, a lot of men don't have any photos of themselves. Because they're like, when, whenever, take a photo of myself.

Or like, I selfie. Right. They go, I don't have good photos. They go all invest. That might mean asking a friend to take some photos of you.

That might mean higher a cheap photographer in your area to take some good pictures of you wearing different clothes. Like, you need good photos. Because on those apps, it's predicated on three seconds. You know, it's white.

So if the first photo is you wearing sunglasses and like a hat and like on a fishing boat.

You're not going to get any matches. I'm sorry. Like, there's nothing wrong with fishing, but you're not going to get any matches. They need to see your full face, your body, your personality, your smile. So you need good photos and good profile.

Like, spend some time thinking about how to answer some of the prompts. Okay. Some men that come to me, like, I don't get any matches. They didn't answer any of the prompts. They're like, well, but I'm not that kind of person.

Well, it's all about impression management on dating apps to become more successful. Do you want to be yourself or you want to be successful?

Let's take some tips and apply them.

I can guarantee it will change the likelihood of more, more, you'll get more matches. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, that brings us to modern dating, Gen Z in the loneliness crisis.

But before that, I have a poly-market thing. Oh. You ready?

Do you know what poly-market is?

Yeah, you're bet, it's a bet. The US fertility rate up in Q1, 2026.

“Basically, they're want to know, they're asking, do you think that the fertility rate is going to rise or fall in 2026?”

And only 35% of people say that the fertility rate is going to rise 65% say no. So, CDC's Q1, 2026 general fertility rate exceeds 53.3 births per thousand women aged 15 to 44. The Q4, 2025 baseline, excuse me. The crowd is pricing in a 65% chance that it falls again. The US hit a record low of 53.1% in 2025 down from 53.8 in 2024.

That's two decades of decline. Gen Z is having less sex, left off, less often, and later, or not at all. Dr. Tara's research sits at the center of this loneliness app. Loneliness, apotheic, shame, and sexual communication breakdown are all contributing factors to a generation that is more connected digitally and less connected physically.

“Is the birth rape collapse, a policy problem, an economic problem, or a relationship, an intimacy problem?”

Oh, that's a big question. I think it's all of the above. You think it's all of the above?

I've never shared this anywhere before, but I've gone through fertility struggles for a long time.

And we've tried everything that science has to offer, you know, obviously naturally tried for years, and then tried everything else that what science has to offer, all the procedures and vitamins and injections and didn't happen. So, I would say it's all of the above, but there is a difference between fertility among millennials and older millennials. I would say that's my generation, and versus Gen Z, I think different worries. With us, millennials, there have been a lot of us that pursued our careers, and perhaps waited to have children later,

because I'm in my late 30s, and we started trying like mid-30s, and that obviously just statistically in general is harder than if you were to try earlier. But it wasn't something that I wanted to, or neither was what my husband wanted to, because we were really passionate about what we do. We still do, we still are passionate, but it just wasn't the right time. And once it was the right time, it was really hard. So, that's one situation. Another situation, I would say, among my peers, people around my age in their 30s, that are having difficulties, don't have enough financial resources to pursue it rigorously scientifically, because those are very expensive.

“I mean, you know, transparency, each round was like at least 15,000, each round, and you have to do multiple, usually.”

So, for us, there's all these things to consider, you know, why it's not happening. For Gen Z, we are seeing statistics quite a few times now, from different sources, that a lot of Gen Zs are not having sex, and also have very bleak view of the future. And that's one of the reasons why they don't want to have children is because maybe the Earth is not going to be here, maybe there will be where we're three, maybe there will be like an outbreak, biological warfare at some point, what's the point? There's micro-plastics everywhere, you know, or even vaccines, like, for my situation, like, who knows why, because I'm so healthy, right? Like, I don't drink alcohol, caffeine, exercise, you know, you can see my size, I'm a regular size person, like it's, there is no reason why I would struggle with that, but could be anything.

What's the point of looking forward into the future when there might not be a future?

So, a lot of my students say that, I mean, I can pull my students anytime, I have hundreds of students every single semester, and time and time again, they're just like, yeah, I want to, but like, I don't know, it just doesn't seem very promising, the future. Man, that's scary. Gen Z is the only is generation and recorded history, and also having the least sex, your research says communication is the number one predictor of sexual satisfaction is the birth rate crisis, really a communication crisis in disguise.

“Yeah, I think so. You know, an interesting statistic that I read about Gen Zs will adults age from 18 to 29 was that in the past, their weekly social time, like in person, hang out with friends in person, used to be 12 hours and now it's five.”

Seriously. Yeah, so if you're not seeing people in real life, you probably are not dating or participating in, you know, mainstream dating culture or having sex or talking about sex.

So, yeah, like, let alone sexual communication, you're not even spending time in anybody. If social time goes from 12 hours to five hours a week, then there isn't really a lot of opportunity.

“What is the modern dating scene these days dating apps? Is it really the majority of it?”

There are a couple of studies now identifying that Gen Zs are also sick of dating apps. Right, yeah, just because they grew up with it. But dating apps do one of the most prominent ways of meeting a partner and for people that are getting married, like they have met at least like half the people have met their partners online. Yeah, yeah, very prominent way of meeting a partner. Wow. But for Gen Zs, you know, they can be on dating apps, but they're not socializing.

“They're also not having sex that much. I mean, statistically, and there's a couple of different surveys, you can cite, but I think all would agree that about one in four, Gen Zs are not having sex. So one in four people, that's what 25%”

I have here 80% of Gen Z feels lonely versus 45% of boomers, 75% of Gen Z is burnt out on dating apps, 10 or lost 590, but basically 6,600,000 users, bumble lost 370,000 users, hinge lost 130,000 users in the 2023, 2024 time period. Oh, that makes sense to me. It's, it's an unusual way to meet people, isn't it? You have to go through hundreds of faces. What's that? Was it exhausting? I didn't put much effort into it. Yeah, if you do, it's exhausting. Like, you know, it is a good way to meet people if you're so busy. If you work, you know, from morning to evening, and then have dinner, then you don't have time to go out and like meet new people and read them.

Meet new people in real life. It's a good way to meet people because then you meet them online and then kind of tell of you like each other physically and then you message to meet them in person.

But the problem is a lot of people don't even meet anyone in person.

I didn't really, I barely met anybody. It was, that's a lot of pressure. Yeah. And then the ones that I did meet, it was like, that was 75 pounds ago. That photo was 75 pounds ago. So there's research that shows that women lie the most about their weight and men lie the most about their height. Oh, real? Yeah. So yeah, that exists cat fishing exists. You show up, you're like, oh, you don't look anything like your photos. It's a disappointment. Like, it's such a bad thing to do because do you think when they see you in person, they will go, oh, I like you regardless because you can't trust you.

That you started at like a negative, not even at a zero.

Yeah. So that's terrible. But I get it when people say they're exhausted about dating apps because humans, we were historically. When, when was a time when we were exposed to thousands of thousands of people every week? Back in the days, our ancestors. Never.

Never. We were in little tribes, right? Just even evolutionarily. We are way back ancestors. We were in tribes.

We only knew like 100 people max and we don't even know all of them.

But we live in a little tribe and we all take care of each other. And that's like all the people we know. And now you swipe from people in Australia, in Germany, in Japan. I think it's really hard on a person's mental load to go through dating apps and still be engaged and feel positive about it.

“I think that's why a lot of drop-offs like a lot of Gen Z's are not participating.”

But then when they meet because they also don't hang out, socialize in person. If you only socialize five or the week, so that is a big puzzle that a lot of people are talking about. But there isn't necessarily one big cure. Like obviously it's getting off your phones, right? Spending more time with people teaching Gen Z's relational maintenance strategies.

Friendship initiation strategies. How do you talk to people, ask them out? Not even romantically, just spending time with other people. Teaching social skills, communication skills, and how to foster friendships. There are so many things we can talk about with this issue. Man, if they're not learning that then the generation after them is going to be even worse.

Yeah, your kids are Gen Alpha, it's completely different. These are iPad kids. Because the Gen Z's are not iPad kids. They're the Zoom schools.

So the Gen Z's they went to Zoom school during the most important years of social development.

Because of COVID. So this kids went to school alone. Just watch other people on a screen, stay at home alone, do their homework alone. They didn't have socialization for quite a few years of their major developmental years. And then now they're in college.

“And a lot of colleges now offer just Zoom, just online classes because that's how they, that's the modality that they're used to and how they like to go to school.”

I know this because I teach some online classes and those are always full. Because my students want to take online classes. They don't want to go to campus. So you have Zoom's goal generation, not hanging out in person that much, not participating in dating and sex that much. What's going to happen? What do you tell these kids? I mean, if 80% of the generation is lonely, I mean, how do you tell them you got to get out there?

Go to a bar. Go to a club. There's a lot of social anxiety. It's also heavily medicated generation. Very common for people to say, like, "Oh, I'm on this, this and this." And that has people have different thoughts about that.

“What are your thoughts on Western medicine and medicating people?”

Oh, I think it's unraveling at a record base right now. I think we are over-medicated. I think we are, too. I'm trying to walk the line of not shaming people that actually need it. Versus talking about how some people don't need it, but they think they do because pharmaceuticals tell you. Yeah, because there are people that actually have these internal problems and they need medication in order to function in a society.

But then there are people that are just like, "Oh, I'm just so anxious. I need this." Or, "I don't think I can focus. I can't study. I need to take this." What we're taking at our all-to-study is very common. Yeah, I grew up differently because I grew up in Asia.

You know, we were like boiling leaves and drinking things and my mom giving me like goji berries to see better.

“Things like that and meditation instead of medication for ADHD, right?”

When I was young, I was all over the place, lots of energy. I was sent to meditation camp almost every summer. Meditation camp gave a concentration. Yeah, junior meditation camp where you meditate hours in a day, different sessions, different teachers, and they force you to meditate. Do you still meditate?

Yeah, I meditate every day and pray every day as well. Meditating? Five minutes? Pray for five minutes? Okay. Yeah. But, you know, the way I grew up is you, if you have ADHD, you meditate until you learn how to concentrate and be in your own flow.

And then now I can concentrate. But I think here, you, like, slap a bandy on a problem, right? No one has time to teach the kids to meditate or stay still. Oh, be okay with being bored and stay still.

They just say, okay, like, take this, take out a role so that you can focus.

Or take a zanx so you can chill. You're too anxious. Take this. Can't sleep and take this. You're nervous to go on a date, take this. You can't get it up, take this.

You know, China doesn't get wet, take this. We have a pharmaceutical society. Yeah.

“Some things, I think we do need, but a lot of things we don't.”

And so that's a part of the problem of Gen Zee as well, is it's heavily medicated. And it's almost celebrated. Like, it's fun to talk about. Oh, man. And I've seen that in my students.

Um, I still personally am going to be honest.

Haven't found a way to talk about it in a way that doesn't help make them feel ashamed. Because I also don't want to say like, you don't need that. Like, you know, because it's tough between the line of whether they need it or not. You know, I'm not their medical doctor. I haven't read their tests.

Mm-hmm. But my guess is a lot of them don't need it. Yeah, I'll beg you, right? And all of those things combined also affect the way they can date and have sex. Because when you're on SSRI, you don't have sexual desire.

Have you heard of that correlation? I did not know that. Yeah. And a lot of adults that are not Gen Zee, like millennials, Gen X, baby booers, are on SSRI. And they're wondering why they have low sex drive.

Um, there is a correlation between low sex drive and taking SSRI.

“So you have to go through that as well as Gen Zee's, like, you know, you would think you're”

21, man, like go out, talk to people, like talk to girls, date, have sex, jerk off, right? You would think these things, because that's how we grew up as, you know, older millennials or Gen X. But no, like, can't do that if you're on a bunch of medication. You don't even get an erection or you don't even have like the desire to.

They don't masturbate. They don't, like, you know. And if they do masturbate, then they rely heavily on porn. I mean, we're talking at least 50% of Gen Zee's watch porn weekly. So, you know, if a lot of stimulation comes from that, then dating and trying to initiate sex

with a normal girl and a bar might feel too boring, not estimating. Wow. That's sad. I know. But you have kids in Gen Alpha and that's going to have a lot of the whole, a whole different

set of issues that come with that as well. The iPad kids. Yep. I already see it. Chop my pants.

Did my kids have iPads? No. No. On, they get an iPad if we're on a flight. Oh, the flight, yeah.

That's it. So they don't cry. Yeah. Yeah. So they don't annoy the entire plane.

Yeah. That makes sense. But that's it. Yeah. That all the iPads at home or anywhere else.

No restaurant iPads, no nothing. Mm-hmm. So. Yeah. We have a whole different generation that will roll up with AI with medicated parents.

Um, just a whole lot of issues. Yeah. You know how outside we were talking about like, do we see the future as like things going in a positive way or things going to a negative, or in a negative way?

Mm-hmm. Oh, boy.

In the short term future, I don't see much positive happening.

Yeah. Long term probably. But a lot has to change. A lot has to change. Um.

I love the idea of community leaders. Like you are a community leader. Because we can't rely on political leaders. That's so shit. Yeah.

The truth, the truth as of all truth is you can't rely on political leaders or business leaders.

“I think relying on or of finding inspiration in community leaders.”

Different community leaders is really helpful. People want something to rely on. Like the way they rely on religion.

Um, the good parts at least because like it were critically talking and critically thinking about religion.

Every religion has good and bad parts. Mm-hmm. But I think if you can't the way that our ancestors relied on religion and, you know, tribe leaders. There are community leaders now. Like you and many people that are talking about the truth of many different topics.

Helping people arm them with skills. Um, communication skills and help shift perspectives on reality. Then I think we are looking at a positive future. If more people find inspiration in their community leaders. Yeah.

I hope so. I hope so. Yeah. I'm trying to be optimistic. Also because I'm a sex expert.

I have to be optimistic.

I'm going to help more Gen Z's have sex and have pleasurable sex and find each other.

Like I have to find a way because it's not it's not entirely their fall. They grew up in this environment. You know what I mean? Like you are your environment. Like they grew up in this environment.

So I have to help them like open their eyes. The third eye. Yeah. Good luck with that. Thanks.

“But that's why being a college professor like is rewarding.”

Like because that's my job. I don't just teach the subject. I help them have a better life. Yeah. Let's talk about this.

This new TV show that you're that you're doing. The celebrity one. Yes. I just finished filming fourth season of a show in the UK called Celeb's Go dating. We're on the sex expert on the show.

And we train celebrities or we coach celebrities and then send them our on dates. To help them find love. And then the show that I just finished filming here in America for an American show. And that's on TLC and HBO is called 90 day last resort. It's where couples come into a resort.

Couples that are working on their relationship or going through a rough patch in the marriage. Or on a brink of a divorce. Come into the retreat or the resort. And rehab their relationship. So I'm also a sex expert on that show.

Right on. Yeah. When's that coming out?

“Uh, so the 90 day last resort is coming out June 1st.”

So you can either stream it on Hulu or you can watch like the day after on HBO. Okay. Yeah. So that one is rehabbing marriages. Right on.

So I'm working in both both stages of love. The very beginning and the sort of not the end hopefully. Do you have a proper? No, because it's so fun to see people date. And like, how much people struggle dating?

Not fun like ha ha ha. You know, for you, you're terrible at dating. But fun isn't like people become so vulnerable when they go on dates. You see these successful, like beautiful confidence, celebrities. When they go on a date, they're just a person trying to date and find love.

And connect with another human. And some of them were really bad at dating. But it's so endearing. It's like an endearing bad at dating. Uh, and it gives you a lot of perspective that like,

Oh, if I'm not great at dating, like look at these people. They're, you know, beautiful successful terrible dating. Uh, so that's fun as in like it's ha ha. It's a good time. The rehabbing marriage one.

It's heavier. Because these couples have a lot of issues. And they are intercultural. There are interracial or intercultural couples.

So all of them, the premise is one of them is American.

The other one is not. Okay. Yeah.

“So there's cultural issues to begin with.”

That's very challenging. Oh, very challenging. Even before personal issues or relational issues, there's cultural issues. Like, I bring to the table a whole host of cultural beliefs.

Of what my partner should be like. Mm-hmm. Right. So, you know, there's that's tricky to know. Yeah.

There's like right like Latin American women, like a Latina. And a white American man in the Midwest. You know, I've had this happen. Oh, we're going. Oh, well.

You mean you dated a Latina?

Oh, yeah. Oh, how did that end? That will. Well, it's a lot of, it's a lot of intercultural and cross-cultural communication and understanding each other's cultural customs.

Mm-hmm. I'm from Thailand and, you know, my husband's from Washington. So we're in a cultural and interracial. We have a lot of differences, but at the same time, we're so good at communicating with each other.

But if some things happen to me that are like, oh, I don't want you to do that, because, like, in my culture, like, that's a bad thing. I just communicate it.

“But I think some people don't have those communication skills.”

Therefore, they just harbor it. And it becomes such a big problem and they blow up. So this show is very realistic in terms of what marriages can go through. And I think the viewers will really love watching it because it's real. Like, oh gosh, these people, like, are fighting on these things.

Like, we did too, or like, oh, wow, like, we're better than them. So we should feel better or how they overcome their issues. It's very, it's endearing. Like, they overcome their issues. But it's a long process.

I can't imagine. Yeah, I had to, you know, take them through. What I just took you through today with sexual profiles. Help them figure out, are they sexually compatible? If they're not, like, what can they do?

I give them homework, like, sex homework for them to do. What kind of homework? You have to watch to find out. Like, you know, you've got to go back and do XYZ.

Like, it's things have never done before.

So, and they, like, film it. Not entirely just part of it. Okay. So it's interesting. So you can watch and see how people try these different sexual activities

and how, how those activities help those relationships and how it can help you. Sounds interesting. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, it's interesting.

Alright, last thing, you ready? Yeah. This is the hot question. Oh, wow. Can I have a gummy bear first?

You can have a gummy bear first. So are you familiar with Claude? Yes. So we had Claude do a scrape of the internet to come up with the most viral question.

Mm. This is a rapid round. No, just a couple questions here. Dr. Tara, your tenure professor of sexual and relational communication. You teach Zenzi, Gen Z about this every day.

There's a real crisis happening right now. Young men are not dating. Aren't having sex? The loneliness, the loneliness epidemic is real. Marriage rates are at historic lows.

From your research and what you're seeing in your classroom, what is actually going wrong between men and women in 2026 and is there a way back? I'm going to start with the positive. There is a way back.

And it's attitude to know and be hero change. It will take time. But that is what's going on. A lot of it is from the internet. A lot of it is from the internet and social media.

There's a lot of fake information and really negatively controversial information on social media. The kind of information that divide people and not unite people, particularly young men and women. If boys and girls can't come to terms with understanding each other

and show compassion and empathy for each other, then they can't be together or come together. They can't come together.

“So I think teaching Gen Z is critical thinking and digital literacy.”

These are two things that are very, very important. Because they need to be able to distinguish real information from fake information and then good information from information that was created to cost trouble. So those two skills are extremely important.

And then interpersonal communication skill.

And these are the things we teach in college.

I mean, I have a colleague that teaches a class called digital literacy. And that class helps kids a lot. Understanding fake news, real news. Like this is AI photo. This is real photo.

They teach about how all influencers post edited photos. Like girls don't look like this. They're skin doesn't look like this, right? Because all of these things affect self esteem and all of that affects everything. So yeah, I think with these skills,

hopefully young people can find their way to each other. And of course, the big P word porn. There's a follow-up.

“And that's what it has to do with the big P word.”

Only fans is now a multi-billion dollar industry. PornHub gets more traffic than Netflix and Amazon combined. Is a sex positive expert who actually studies this for a living. What is only fans and porn doing to an entire generation right now? And is this going to be looked at?

Is this going to be looked back on as one of the most damaging cultural shifts in history? Oh, that's a big question.

The answer is not as simple.

The answer is, isn't mindful or mindless consumption? If it's mindless consumption, it is extremely damaging and detrimental. And it will have a negative impact for a long time. If it's mindful consumption, which let's talk about what that looks like, if you use porn, like, let's see.

Once a month to find new inspiration, new positions, new acts to try with a partner. Or maybe you watch it together. There are studies that show that couples that watch porn together, mindfully, to inspire them into a rousal or exploration. It's great for the relationship.

So mindful consumption is fine. You can watch ethical porn. Have you heard of ethical porn? No.

“So there's mainstream porn, which historically speaking,”

there's a gatekeeper, like these producers, directors.

They abuse their performers. The performers get paid very minimal. They have to fake it. Sometimes they hate the person that they have to have sex with. A lot of things are fake in this scene.

It's made unethically. Ethical porn is a movement. There are companies that are women-owned people that really care about sex education, that make erotic films, that involve real life, that involve what the enactment of real life interactions.

Some awkwardness, some laughs, two people that have good chemistry, really enjoy having sex with each other. They all get paid fairly. They all get treated respectfully on set. There's transparency of how they're made.

There's a discussion before and after how they take care of themselves. They talk about how they get tested. All of those things. So that's ethical porn. So let's say you consume that.

Once every two weeks to find a rousal or inspiration to try new things. Or you consume a video ponder as a new thing to spice it up. I don't see there's any problem with that. I think it's just a tool, it's how you use it. So that's mindful consumption.

Mindless consumption is what most people are doing right now. Is they go on every single day or every single time they masturbate. They click and click and click and click and they stay on it forever and get these dopamine hits every time they click to see a new woman on the screen. And these dopamine hits they're so addictive.

“Just like social media, that's why people love scrolling.”

Because it's new thing, new thing, new thing, new thing, new thing. Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. I feel great rewarded all the time. Porn is the same. So new video, new video, new girl, new girl doing crazy things.

Sexually. Wow. Then you become so addicted to it. You become reliant on it. You cannot live a sexually fulfilling life without it.

That's mindless consumption and that's a problem and that's detrimental. So there is a difference. Makes a lot of sense. People who use the tool. Makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, I would say like if my husband and I want to like pop on porn and I'll big screen TV sometimes to spice it up to like add that atmosphere. It does nothing to my sexual self-esteem or how much I initiate sex with my partner or how much he enjoys sex with me.

But yeah, I would say realistically most people are mindlessly consuming

and that's the problem. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

Well, Doc, I appreciate you coming.

Thank you. And I hope to see you again. Was that an orgasmic time? It wasn't orgasmic time. Thank you so much.

Thank you, John. Oh, my pleasure. Best of luck, too. Thank you. [ Music ]

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