Heather Graham On Hollywood's Hidden Truths, Reclaiming Your Power, & Building A Life On Your Terms

Welcome to The Bostics, starring Lauren Bostic and Michael Bostic together.

They are The Bostics. Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of The Bostics. Today we sit down with Heather Graham, who's a multi-hiphon at actress, writer, and director who's first broke out in drugstore cowboy earning an independent spirit award nomination before delivering iconic performances in Boogie Nights, Austin Powers, the spy who shagged me

and the hangover and Lorna and I really enjoy meeting Heather. We grew up watching her, we grew up being a fan of many of her movies and we talk about a lot in this episode, we talk about navigating Hollywood, owning your narrative, building a life on your own terms, and how you can reclaim your power and live a life that works for you.

With that, Heather Graham, welcome to The Bostics. OK, so Heather, you kind of got my husband and I together. Oh my god, OK, because you guys are the most beautiful couple. You guys are both the most gorgeous looking people together. I mean, we had told our 12-year-old self that Heather Graham was going to say that

about us. We would have died. Because, OK, so we met with our kids, the audience is really annoyed at this story. We are sorry, guys, but we have to talk about this.

“We watched, and I think we went to the movies and we watched Austin Powers.”

The way we were 12, 20 times, 20 times. The reason I know this is because I made a scrapbook of all our movie tickets and one whole page is your movie. So what we would do is we would together. You went 20 times.

We would sneak in to hook up. So he was like, "Finger, when you were 12, you guys really get into it." Wait, how old were you? So we were 12. And he was doing that when you were, we were, oh, God, I hope you're dad's not listening

to this. Turn it off, Brad. Actually, he turned it off. We didn't even know that long, we got back together way later, but we started in Austin Powers.

I think, yeah, it's a UKding. And that was at the time, like, that was like the biggest news of the year and of the time. It was cool. Yeah, it was, yeah. I used to call him Minimi.

Okay, well here's the thing.

I'm not fully a human yet. That was awesome. That was 12 year old boy. Girl's developed after, isn't it? We're so romantic.

“Can I, do you have, I want to see pictures of you guys at 12?”

I hope he's so, you got to show it to your, at the movie, probably watching your movie. Well, I'll come to the show. I'm glad I inspired the finger banging. You know what I mean? I mean, this is a funny one.

I'm just kidding. You just said, like, let me think of it. I'm going to be honest with you. No, no, no, no. Okay, so I would like to go back and hear about your childhood pre, all of this.

What were you like when you were a little girl? I grew up, I had a conservative religious family, especially my father. I mean, I was very into like playing dress ups and pretending to be characters and making up stories. I love movies.

And then when we moved when I was nine from, we lived outside of Washington, D.C., in Virginia and then we moved to California. I became kind of shy because it was like around puberty,ish, time I was nine, starting to go through puberty and then I became very shy and awkward and nerdy. And I used to act in school plays and that was my way to try to be cool, basically.

So what did your parents do to get you more in the spotlight and get you out there? Was there something that they did? Well, they were very different. My father was extremely religious. He was pretty much like, if you have primarital sex or going straight to hell, my mother

was kind of a bit of, I think she felt she didn't really get to live out her artistic dreams.

“So she was like, you should just be an artist and she actually said to me, like, don't”

get married and have kids. She told you that. Yes, she was like, pursue your dreams as an artist. I like the honesty. Listen, kids aren't for everyone.

I don't understand. It's not like a one-size-fits-all. So I understand that. Yeah.

It's always kind of interesting when your mom tells you that, though, you're like, okay, so

you're not really happy. No. What did you feel like that? I mean, that's my projection. I don't know if that's true, but yes, that didn't seem like the happiest relationship

to me. So did that help get you out of your shyness or no? I still, well, when I was in high school, I was very nerdy. I had to wear neck here. You know, for a certain point, but anyway, then I played in Damiankies.

And I played, like, the Devil's War. Oh. No, I played the other side. I was like, I didn't know. When did your highly religious father think of this?

Oh, he was like, what, you know, like, but it was like the school play, you know? You know, whatever. It's about baseball and someone's selling their soul to the Devil to become like a good baseball player, you know.

So when you played, that was not like a breakthrough for you.

It made me feel like more confident, because it's school. I was kind of awkward. I had weird haircut. Basically, like a mallet, you know, or it's like kind of like feathered, but then like pieces would curl around at the bottom.

You have the last laugh. I look like a Mormon in my pictures, people say. Like, I dressed like I was like an older woman that was very conservative. I think that your high school or your junior high is probably like, oh, when they see you know.

But then I got a job in a movie license to drive and a style like a movie style to help me, you know, find some clothes for the movie.

Then I kind of got to keep some of them and then I felt cool.

Was that your first big break? It was, yeah. And what was that like? It was amazing. I was 17.

I was driving out to the 20th Century Fox Lot. And you know, when you drive onto a lot and you're just no one in my family is in the

business, it's just amazing that they just let you through the gate and you just drive

onto like 20th Century Fox Lot. It was, it was incredible.

“And how did they find you to begin with the auditioning or the audition?”

I auditioned. Yeah. Yeah. Used to drive and go on on my audition. After you have your big break, what is the momentum like for you?

Is it quick? Was it a slow burn? What was it like? Well, I feel like it's a lot of like Hills and valleys. Like you have a moment where you're like, oh my god, this is amazing and now, you're

getting offered things or it's easier and then suddenly like nothing happens and then suddenly something else happens. And then you get more opportunities and then it's low. It goes in waves probably. So what was the next thing that you did after your first big break?

Well, after license to drive, I did drugs for cowboy, which was also like a really cool movie that got a lot of attention. And then yeah, and then I kind of, I work, but it wasn't as kind of successful, I guess, or seen until I started to do like swingers and boogie nights and like Austin Powers and that, then there was that moment.

What happens when you do swingers and boogie nights? What is the after effect of those movies?

“I bought a house for you out, partying are you out clubbing?”

Are you at home?

Well, I was always like a very nerdy responsible kid who was just like, I need to work.

You know, I mean, I did drink a little bit. I was never doing a lot of drugs. I mean, I occasionally like smoke pot or whatever, but I had a moment in my early 30s where I was like, I was never wild. You know, like maybe I should try to be, because at that time, people were going to

rave. So I was like, I should try to take X to see and go to a rave, but I'm just not a party girl. You were at home. I was like hang out with friends and I just wanted to work, really. I'm like a little worker worker bee.

After you do boogie nights, you say you're not a party girl. Are people inviting you and trying to get you to party? I want to imagine. So. Yeah, I remember I actually drew bear more.

You said amazing parties at our house. And saying that I'm not a party girl, I did sometimes go to parties. You know, but I wasn't like going out every night or it would be like a special fun thing. And then there was a time where I tried out to go to clubs more, but I just, I'm not. Well, I guess what I'm asking is do, after doing the role to people perceive you as a wild

party girl. I think they did not. Yeah. I don't think people truly know how nerdy I am. But that's fine.

To pretend because when I was in high school, I was kind of this nerdy girl and I was doing long school and everyone thought, like, oh, you're not the pretty one. There's all these other women that are like pretty girls that were pretty, but then when I started getting attention, I felt like I fooled them into believing I was this like sexy movie star.

And it's kind of like a fake persona almost. There is an actress that just wrote a book about this. I'm going to flow around.

“I think Pamela Anderson has talked about this, which is similar on her like persona kind of”

totally similar. She's similar. That's her sexuality, but her real identity was wanting to be at home and cook and now my real identity. I felt like I was more like Bridget Jones, but I wasn't getting cast as those characters.

You know, I was getting cast as like more of like a sexy, whatever.

No, I always felt like more I related to like the Bridget Jones character.

Her name is Mina Zubari. Yes. Yes. I just finished her book and she talks about how she kept being cast as like this beautiful siren, but in reality, that's not how she felt. I mean, remember American beauty.

Yeah. Like she was like, but I mean, also the business, I mean, whatever. It's pretty sexist. You know, so it's mostly, and now maybe hopefully it's getting better. There's more female storytellers, but it's mostly male storytellers.

So Mina Zubari is being told by a man's story. You know what I mean? There's so many more stories being told by men. Like it's the man's projection of what sexuality is on to the actress. Right.

Maybe it would different back then when you did swingers and buggy nights to now. I mean, look, it's still sexist, but it was way more sexist. Like I've listened to other episodes of your guys show, but yeah, they were really harsh on women. I think in a lot of ways, like men could do anything, but a woman would be under this

like microphone, you know, magnifying glass over like she's too sexy. She's not sexy enough. It was like a lot of pressure, and even as an actress, like because you know, sometimes you get offered jobs and they'd be like, there's nudity or there's not nudity. It's like it's it's it's it's it's weird because to get a job a lot of times you would

have to like take this, you know, and have to do the nude scenes or get it or I mean, yeah, they'd be like, if you're not willing to do it, you can't do this movie. And then people be like, well, why did you do this nudity? And you're like, well, that's the freaking jobs that are out there. You don't even mean and and look, I'm very proud of being in buggy nights.

Like I feel so proud of that movie. It is an iconic movie. Yeah, it's an iconic movie. And I actually have no judgment on sexuality and movies. I think it's awesome. But I do feel like, you know, the system is kind of run by men and

then the women get judged for playing those parts that are written by men and directed by men and then like released by men and then they're criticized even though like men are creating this whole world and then criticizing the women. Because at your point, if you could have said no to some of those roles, but then you don't get the roles and that's how the movie is written anyway.

So it's like, if you want to further your career, you're kind of, I don't kno...

it's like, you know, how I look or my type, but yeah, it's funny how women get penalized for like the roles that we're allowed to play. You know what I mean? It's like, I feel it's a little more celebrated now at least. No it is.

And that's great. Like being a sexual woman is now like, like I was, you know, the two dope queens. I can't remember. I was watching all their, their live shows. And like, I feel like younger women are more like celebrating their sexuality, which

is amazing. Thank God. Yeah.

“So when Austin Powers comes out, is that a different level of fame?”

It was. Yeah. Like, I mean, it was a mixture of awesome and also a little bit like, what do I, you know, it's, it's hard when it's you. You can't really see it objectively, but yeah, I'm grateful.

I'm grateful. I was in a movie that a lot of people watched. I'm glad that you guys watched it. I could like the theater, you know? I'm glad that you guys watched it.

I could like the theater, you know. I'm glad that you guys watched it. I could like the theater, you know. I'm glad that you guys watched it. I could like the theater, you know?

I'm glad that you guys watched it. I'm glad that you guys watched it. I could like the theater, you know. I'm glad that you guys watched it. I'm glad that you guys watched it.

Everybody would kind of like have the same cultural moments, where something like awesome. It's so true. And you'd all watch it. I'm thinking that.

Now there's so much content that everyone is not all watching the same. Yeah, like we put it all watched something different this week. Yeah.

So the problem is you don't like back then when that came out, especially for the younger

people. Yeah.

“That was the only thing people were talking.”

I mean, there's a few, but it was like. There were lots of things to watch. So it was like, okay, five movies came out. People are watching those. There's like, not that many TV stations, so everyone's watching the same shows.

Now there's so much content everyone's watching all their special niche kind of things. And it's weird because stuff comes out all the time now that people are talking about. And I feel so out of the loop because there's like really popular things that I have no clue about me too. And that makes me feel like this ancient dinosaur, but I'm like, well, I'm like, I'm

obsessed with you. I have seen it. Don't you watch it. Okay. Well, look.

A lot of straight guys are afraid to watch it. But I don't even know what it is. What is it? Tell me what it is. Okay.

You guys have to go home immediately and watch it. We want one of my best friends. She's a TV writer.

She always tells me which TV shows watch her name is Deb Fisher and she did Jenny and

Georgia. But anyway, it's about these two hockey players who were like the both the best hockey players in their leagues and they're they're they're they're they're they're always fighting each other and they're the best but then they fall in love with each other and they have like hot sex scenes and it's about how they're afraid to like the, you know, together

because they're gay. Is it a reality show or real? It is a fictional story based on a book. Okay. And it's so good.

Oh my god. I'm so fine. I'm going to watch it. But Lauren, if I told you that I've been watching it fall out and that it's based on a really popular video game.

People are like what but it's also very well gotten at goggins is the the way it is. That's cool. There's so many shows you can't there's two. Okay. But you can't drive or we make you happy because I'm in the academy and I'm so grateful

because my whole career I'm so grateful to be in the academy. A lot of those academy movies are very disturbing. So you're watching it. It's like genocide. People are dying.

It's every terrible. And then you watch. She did rivalry and it's like hot gay guys are having sex with each other and falling in love. What do you mean to be in the academy?

Basically you get admitted by your body of work and you get to vote for the academy awards. That's cool. It's so cool. I mean that's a flat.

No, it is amazing. Yeah. I'm flexing right now. Yeah.

I mean the academy is amazing.

“If you have to do a sex scene or a nude scene.”

Actually one last flex. Yes. I had my roller skates. There were two pairs of roller skates and booginites and I had my pair and I was like I guess I should like give these away because I'm moving and like why am I keeping

this? And then people were like no don't do that. So my manager gave them to the academy museum and they took them. Isn't that cool? Those are iconic skates.

Yeah. Do not give those skates away. Oh my god. I feel like like millions of people gave them to the salvation army. But now my manager was like no.

And then people buy those movie props. And then I work with Mike Flanagan who's a really talented director and he bought the other pair and he has one of the booginites roller skates. And he has him in his house with like he has a lot of movie props. You got to be that for Halloween one year again.

And I'm doing a photo shoot with us weekly on Friday and I'm going to wear roller skates. They asked me to wear like roller skates. I mean that's adorable. Are you kidding?

Can you skate? I can. But I haven't recently skated that much but hopefully I won't kill myself. If you have to do any kind of nude scene, do you do a shot of to kill before you do it or do you just go in like what's it called raw dog?

No. I don't think that's a good one. No. I have to draw a doctor. Do you go in like like I'm just going to see how this works out or do you plan

it in your head or is it not nerve-wracking at all? I mean it is nerve-wracking. It's slightly terrifying because you know I mean as a woman like you're looking at your body. Oh my god there's flaws.

Ah, you know and then of course you try to like die it or like try to look as good. So much pressure. But then you know ultimately I think you just try to as an actor you try to just get into the story and not be self-conscious.

What if the guy gets excited? Like what do you do? You just keep going with it? I mean I can imagine you on actors say like well forgive me if I get excited

Forgive me if I don't.

Okay. Oh.

I think that if you see it.

I don't know. At least get a chub. I would be very offended. Just so everyone knows. I would be very offended if there was it like.

Yeah.

“But I think on the other side is like if they do it and maybe that's like creepy too.”

I don't know. No. If I was in that situation I wouldn't know what the appropriate move would be. You know.

That is funny. I would really be like concentrating on like just being fully professional. Good thing you're not tailor. He would just finish. There's a lot of people there.

So you're not just alone. Like there's like 10 people like someone's doing your hair and makeup. I'm just like lighting. Yeah. So you're not like sitting there alone.

Okay. I just was. I heard an interview with another actress that says she would do three shots of Tequila before she did the sex scene. Wow.

Yeah. She said it on a podcast. Did it work? Sex and life. The show sucks in life.

Oh wow. She said she had to do three shots. I had who? Sarah. Michelle Geller?

No. Sarah Shawkey? Okay. I don't know her last name. I have to Google it.

She would pull it up. Yeah. It's sex slash life. And she said she did three shots of Tequila before. I don't do it.

Good amount of shots. After Austin Powers. What was your next big thing? Well, I was in a movie called Bofinger. That was just around the time of Boogie Night's Austin Powers Bofinger.

There was some cool things. I guess I did you know from Howard Johnny Dab. How was that? Was that fun? It was fun.

Yeah. We were in Prague. And it was very, it's cool. Johnny Dab cool. He's cool.

Yeah. I mean. Oh, cool. He's back there. And then you did California Cation.

Mm-hmm. The hangover. Law and order true crime. Crime. The Menendez murders.

That would give that. That's a lot. Yeah.

“Is that when you have to take on a role like that?”

Does that affect your inner peace? It can't in moments. But I don't know. As an actor, there is something kind of cathartic about it. I mean, you don't want to be in that headspace like everyday all the time.

But it's kind of fun having a juicy role. So it's better to have the juicy role with dynamic than something that feels flat. Well, the good thing about movies and TV is you're doing this and it ends. And you know, you do the intense scene one day. But if you, I don't know how people do plays.

Because they do every, that's a lot. It seems harder to me. Yeah. So with the Menendez brothers, it's not like hard to, to focus on that. And then have to go home and turn it off.

You know, it is disturbing. But like read the news. The news is as disturbing as the Menendez brothers. I mean, read about the ed steam files. It's like, so it's more disturbing.

You know, that's going to be a movie. I feel like that's going to be, that's going to be a Netflix show. That's going to be called the files. And it's going to be creepy. I wish someone would just get some justice.

I don't know. It's just like, where's the justice? Some of these people that are being revealed have been like propped up over years and years. There's like these people that you should look to. I think they know.

The big lesson here is you got to really be careful. Well, my friend made a comment. He said, out of all these, you know, mostly men abusing these like young people. Like, there's only one person that's gone to jail. And it's a woman.

What's her face? Just lean. I don't know how you pronounce her name.

I never even thought about that.

Isn't that screwed up? She is the only one who is in jail. Well, I guess he was there until-- I guess he was there. Or he's not there anymore.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Everything's allegedly.

Allegedly. Allegedly. How do you define an empowered woman?

“You were talking about a fair about how you're all about empowering women?”

How do you define someone that's empowered? Well, I like, first of all, I guess I want to empower myself. And then I'm a female empowerment. You know, and I like to be around women that are into that. I think it's just feeling good about yourself.

Loving yourself, and not letting other people take that away from you, basically. Do you have a spirituality practice? I know I think you read, you practice TM. I do TM. Yeah, I do a lot of stuff.

I do TM. I do yoga. I go to Alonon. I don't know if you guys know what it is.

It's basically a 12-step group.

I'm not like an alcoholic or drug addict. It's more about relationships, like having someone in your life. It's been a drug addict or alcoholic. It's kind of about codependency, basically. And I do that.

What led you to that to begin with? You know, a friend of mine was going. I was kind of bored one day and I went. And after I went, I just felt like so uplifted. And it is about spirituality.

It's about connecting to your higher power and like turning all your worries and fears over to your higher power. And it's about just love being the best version of yourself. Kind of loving yourself first and giving from the overflow as opposed to like, I feel like I was brought up in like a patriarch or culture that was like,

give to everyone else. And after you've given to everyone else, if there's maybe do something nice for yourself if there's time, you know, it was not like love yourself and then give from the overflow. That's interesting that you go to Alan on. Do you go once a month, once a week, whenever you feel, is it like schedule?

I usually go like twice a week. Oh, yeah. That's, I'm like very interested in that. It's really interesting. And you went, it's a beautiful way that people share.

It's almost like, you know, you're on a podcast. People are just sharing intimate details about their life with like people. They don't really know and you watch people grow. And you know, when you're going through something and you see someone else sharing something similar, it gives you a deeper understanding of like, what to do in your own life.

When you look at them and go, wow, like, you know, I don't want to do that.

You know, right? And you can also look at, it seems like it teaches you how to deal with. If you have someone in your life that's an alcoholic or drug out.

Yeah, it's totally, it's basically about detaching with love.

Like that you have to just decide if you can accept their behavior or not. And if you can, then just to be as loving as you can and to set healthy boundaries. Or if you can't like how to lovingly detach and just like love them from afar, basically. I would like to go to one of those. That's he in Austin.

I think that sounds really interesting to me. That sounds more interesting than a one on one therapy.

“Yeah, I think because the one on one therapy is all about you, right?”

And there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, I think with this, you can start. Yeah, there's all kind of healing things. I do this thing called cranial sacral therapy. Not a lot of people know what it is.

But it's kind of like getting a massage, but it's almost like your, it affects your nervous system and like calming it down. And I feel like that's very spiritual. And I'm just into any kind of like healing healing stuff. I can not believe you just said that you do cranial sacral. Why do you do it?

It is all I talk about. I am obsessed. I just started doing it because of her. Oh my god. I am obsessed.

It is been at least for me nine years of therapy in seven months. Because I feel like talk therapy doesn't get, like if you've had like past trauma, it doesn't heal at your trauma the same way that's like somatic. Some kinds of somatic therapy can.

“I think to it's, it's in your fascia, the trauma.”

So like, like if you say about a car accident or say, someone did something really bad to you. And there's a trauma there. It's in your fascia. Yeah. And there's an unwinding that happens in it where it releases the trauma that's stored in the fascia.

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They offer an extens support fully with so many options to choose from. That includes 28 chopped kids, 10 salad kids, six organic chopped kids, and nine mini chopped kids. So there's truly something for every appetite and occasion. And because protein is having a moment, tailor farms just launch a protein-forward line that packs serious protein. We're talking fresh veggies in protein packed dressings, toppings in crunch all in one bowl now available at target in H.E.B.

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“After our son was born, our pediatrician said, "Hey, you should do some cranial sacral on him because he just had the birth."”

So he could help, and so to clear whatever. And then what happened is she started taking all the sessions. I get, I go once a week. I am literally obsessed. No, I don't have to tell me out there who you go to because I don't have anyone here.

No, I have some really good. Okay, what she told me and I thought this blew my mind is she said, "When babies come out of the womb, a lot of people think that they're colleague." Or they're crying a lot, or they're a bad baby. And what it actually is is that the baby has had a traumatic experience coming through the canal.

Wow. And that even like you or you or you, we could have had traumatic experiences at birth that is stored in the fascia. And if that doesn't get released, the baby is constantly uncomfortable. And that you can actually have your birth trauma when you're like 21 or 40 or 50 or 60. So what she does is she aligns the baby after birth.

And it sets up this whole... Wow. I think it helped your child. Wow. It's amazing.

It's like the energy was just like, he was like maybe like fussy and it just cleared.

Well, then the problem is, it's not a problem, but she gets her hands on someone like me.

He's like 40 years of bearing it down deep. And because you're a guy too, so you're crying. And so now it's like, it's trying to work through it. But it was crazy like the first few times I started doing it. I started getting crazy headaches a week after.

“Did you guys have any memories come up while you were doing it?”

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you start unwinding it, my girl calls it unwinding. I cannot believe.

I mean, I love to try all different things, but it is so powerful. It is so powerful. And I think it's so cool people care about trauma now. Because I think in the past, like people didn't really understand it, but like I was looking at the best selling books of the year. And the number one best selling nonfiction book was the body keeps the score.

Huh? About the trauma.

It was an older book.

Yeah. Is that interesting?

You were paying attention.

They're understanding that it's stored in the body. Craneal, say, Carl, I cannot say, I loved that you just said that. You're one of like maybe the second person. No one knows what it is usually. It's random.

Yeah. It is. It almost feels like it took me a second to understand what was going on because you kind of do it.

“And do you feel it's helped you or what do you think?”

I think what I've realized is that to your point, there's probably stuff that's buried down deep that I know is there. And then my mind or my whatever personal defense system I put up is doing whatever it's doing to guard whatever's in there. Yeah. And so I need it. I know I need to get it out in some kind of way.

That's exactly what happened to me. It was like, I went for the first time. It was like, you know, these memories are trying to bury there there. You have to deal with that. That's how I feel.

Those memories are buried. Yeah. I know they're probably holding me back in some way. But I haven't quite got them out yet. Do you talk when you do it or do you just sit in meditation?

I've done both. There's some people I've gone to where I don't talk with. There's other people where I will talk. And I'll just tell them like all these personal stuff. And it's kind of cathartic.

Yes. I go to Dr. Maria in Austin. If you're ever in Austin, I will shout her out. She's amazing. Yeah.

And she's totally changed my life.

I'm never getting an appointment again.

No. You've got to live in abundance. You've got to live in abundance. You've got to live in abundance. You've got to live in abundance.