Valerie Bertinelli On Overcoming Trauma, Letting Go Of Shame, & How To Practice Self-Love

>> Welcome to the Bostics, starring Lauren Bostic and Michael Bostic together. They are the Bostics. >> Hello everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Bostics. Today we have an icon, Valerie Bertonelli in the studio. She is a golden globe winning actress, Emmy nominated host New York Times best-selling author

in entrepreneur who's decades-long career spans television, publishing, food, and lifestyle. Valerie making me feel like an under-achiever. She was also married to Eddie Van Halen, which is probably not relevant to this introduction, but as a Van Halen fan, I just have to say it because it's just super cool for me. Some of the themes that we discussed in this podcast are the career arc and what it looks like

building a career that lasts, how to pivot, self-acceptance, reinvention, and finding your true calling, also finding power with age and experience, and making sure you feel empowered instead

of disempowered, Valerie does an incredible job making you feel that way when you're just

across where we had an incredible time with her. With that, Valerie Bertonelli, welcome to the Bostics. >> One thing that I respect so much about you is that I feel like you have brought the audience along your journey with your books. Every time I read a book, I feel like I know more about you, and then you write another one, and I get to know you even more, and now we're at the new book that you just wrote, and I feel like this is like you said. It's your most vulnerable, your most open.

“Is that something that you have done thoughtfully or is it just how it's transpired?”

I didn't plan on talking about any of this in my book, and as I was going through some of it hardest times in my entire life, what's just saying a lot, because I have had a big life. I realized that I was really stumbling over some emotional traumas that I hadn't yet healed,

and I was letting people take advantage of me and tolerating behavior that I never, ever thought I would.

And I really thought that I'd healed from and wouldn't allow that behavior again. So I thought I've just got so much more work to do. I got more work to do, but yet it's really exciting to do the work, and I think doing the work on ourselves and listening to ourselves and listening to our emotions because emotions are information that this is what makes us a full, authentic, vulnerable human being, and our power like Renee Brown says is in our vulnerability.

So that's where I want to be. And now I don't, a lot of people say, you know, I'm authentic or, you know, I'm this vulnerable, and you know, anybody that tells me that they're vulnerable

“or authentic, I'm like, are you though? Do you have why do you have to tell me? Let me just”

be around you and see what what you're like. You don't have to tell me who you are. Let me experience you. Yeah. I think you do that really well in your books. Yeah. I'm big fan. I told you off air. What's an emotion that you feel that you've felt that has been information for you? What's, if you look at all your emotions that you felt, what has been the information? Grief, anxiety, sad, just plain sadness. Like, I got in the shower this morning and I was like,

why do I feel sad? What's happening? I just could feel the sadness. And I'm in a part of my life that I'm absolutely adoring. So why am I feeling sad? Well, there's a lot of shit going on. And there's a lot of shit going on in my life that's good, but it's overwhelming sometimes. And there's a lot of stuff going on politically and publicly that is really shit. And there's files out there that that tell us that there's a lot of creepy men out there and nobody's doing

anything about it. And it's really disturbing. It's heavy. It's so heavy. And anybody that's been through any kind of sexual assault abuse is really getting activated right now. And it's really harmful to see that none of these men because of the power and because of the money that they have are being held responsible for it. And it's really disturbing. And I don't know what to do

“about it except like scream. Well, I think the also the creepiest thing about all this is for so many”

years, people were gaslit saying there's nothing there. Oh, good word. And now it's like, well, there's so obviously so much there. It's like chalking other wind up to the conspiracy. There's like they don't look that. But also I think it's just the tip of the iceberg, too. I mean, there's got it for sure. We're seeing a little, well, there's supposedly millions of files that still haven't been released yet. And some of the files that have been released are so redacted.

And then then they slowly redact names. And then they push out names so that they take you. I don't, I just could somebody like not corrupt in government help us out here. You grew up in Hollywood at a very young age. When did you start your show? One day at a time, I started at 15. I was 12 when I did my first commercial. When you look back as an adult and you have, you can see the whole landscape now. Do you

remember moments where there was weird shit on Saturday where you never, I was so lucky.

this business. And I had Bonnie Franklin helping me. And inviting me out to New York and stay with her was when I was just a 15, 16 year old. From that, I just like, I had this lifetime of just wanting to work in New York because Bonnie showed me the best parts of New York and how

amazing it was. And I finally get to work in New York now. So I get to be by coastal, which is really

fun for me. But no, I, I was really lucky in the business because I had normally, I had Bonnie, I had Pat, I had a lot of people protecting me, I had my family. So when you have those circumstances, is that you're coming up and you don't even have an awareness that other things are going on because in New York, particular circumstances, you're safe and protected and have the right people. Is that what it's like? Yeah. And then there's other people that are having

yeah. And then there's my dear friend, Benkansy Phillips, who was going through hell. And she worked her way through it. Oh my gosh. She's amazing. She, she has been through so much. She's a phenomenal woman. And she, and now all this was because you didn't know anything.

“I think that's what's also so crazy looking back, because you've had someone like yourself who”

has a big career and a good experience, you're like, I don't have that in the other people that

are having the exact opposite experience. So it almost creates a situation where people are able to kind of maybe gaslight you and say, that doesn't happen, right? Right. I mean, and I kind of get offended when some people write, oh, you're just like a Hollywood this or that. And you don't know anything because Hollywood is Hollywood, Hollywood, and I'm like, it may be. There are a lot of weird people in the business. But there's a lot of weird people in every business.

There's a lot of weird people at, you know, space X. There's a lot of weird people at Twitter. There's a lot, you know, there, but there's also a lot of good people. So it's like, you know, who do you choose to hang around with? Who do you have the opportunity to, or do you have the strength, or the whereabouts, or the, to be able to say, nope, my boundaries going up. This isn't

“for me. I mean, because then you have to, like, way, I have to make a living. Do I have to put up with”

something? I don't know. And where are your boundaries? It's, it's, it's really tough navigating any kind of life that we, because we have to work so that we can put a roof up over our heads, because we don't take care of people in America. But you have to find a job where you also get along with people. I would hope, so your job's not miserable. What was the epiphany for, for this book in particular? Because it feels like you, almost had an epiphany to write this. I realized that

enough already wasn't enough, that I, I, I, I said the words enough already, but did I really believe

them? I thought I did at the time. I always believe everything that I say or think. But it changed

because I had experiences, like, in, in 2024, it's probably the worst year of my life. I had, like, four surgeries. I was going through some emotional crap with someone. And I, I had no choice, but to say, okay, I'm, obviously, I can't change anybody else, or their behavior. I only have, I have control over my behavior. So what can I do differently? So I don't feel like shit all the time. What is it that's happening? What is, what do I not have control over? What do I, what am I

allowing in my life that I really shouldn't be? And what were some of the things that you gave more attention to and what were some of the things that you gave less attention to? I was letting some people shape who I was because I wasn't firm enough and didn't feel strong enough and who I really know who I am now, as much as I can today. I'm sure I'll learn more in the next year and beyond. But today, I've learned so much more. I am very different than I was two years

ago. And I will not allow behavior in my life that I allowed two years ago. And I didn't think I was allowing it, but I was just trying so hard to please people and trying so hard to make things okay that I allowed people to walk all over me. You talked about your parents in the book and how your parents were, especially it seems like your mom was like sweeping under the rug.

“Yeah, I think a lot of us grew up, I mean different generations, but a lot of us grew up with that.”

Keep everybody happy. That's keep everything okay. I call it just ostrich in the sand. Yes. There's also a lot of that keeping up with the Jones. There's like, don't show any vulnerability here. We're not, you know, everything's just fine. Everything's fine. So, but what I found so interesting is about when you said that you said when your parents passed, you started looking at them as human and that was a shift for you. And it almost felt like you like also forgive any so many inadequacies.

Absolutely. What was that journey like? Interesting because the more and I could only do this after they passed, which is a little unfortunate and that's where some grief comes in because I would love to be able to really hug my mom and my dad now and say, I get it. I really get it. And I would do

how it affects the brain, how it affects our emotions, how it affects our body. So, I was able to

dig in and because I know a lot about or as much as I could ever find out about their lives, I understand that they didn't have the models that they needed to be the best people that they could be, but had they? I know they would have been. I know in their hearts, they were really good people and I love them. It doesn't stop me from being angry at my dad for cheating on my mom. I'm still angry about it, but I love him. And I know that if he knew better, he would have

done better. I know near the end of his life he did do better. So, you know, there's that. I also think too, maybe if your parents or any parents have bad qualities, as the child, sometimes you're lucky to be able to observe those bad qualities because then you can fix it in

yourself. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. There's things that maybe I had seen or have

seen with my parents where I can look at it and it's almost a lesson for me to be better.

“When we talk about this a lot personally now that we've become parents, which is I think like the”

job of the next generation and as you become a parent yourself, it's like, instead of blaming the parents, you've got to kind of look at the lessons and say, okay, these are the good qualities that I want to continue and move on. And then these are the things that were maybe not so good, because they didn't know that we have a responsibility to kind of learn from. Yeah. I think a lot of times we just as humans default to repeating the patterns

and I think you're absolutely right. And I think having a child helped me with that, too, because I totally understood more about my mother. But I also don't want to negate what some people go through when they have to go no contact with their parents. I totally understand that, too. And I don't want to negate their feelings and why they're doing it. I'm sure it's been a very thoughtful thing because it's hard to do. Yeah, no, and I'm listening, every circumstance is

different. There's some behaviors that are so toxic and terrible that you need to just remove yourself. But I think about even my own mother and she had me when she was maybe 23, 24 and young. And I have a great relationship with my mom, but I think I didn't have children until I was 32. And I was like, imagine at me at 24, I was like, I was underneath a bar somewhere. And I'm underneath my skirt. Yeah. And I think about that a lot of people grew up and they,

you know, maybe they're resentful and of their parents or their anger. And you know,

“when I think back and there's 20 years of child, you know, how are you supposed to know?”

Yeah, I mean, you're very thoughtful. I mean, and I would encourage anybody else to do that and really try to make their parents into human beings and not these authority figures, which as children, we think they are. And I know that just navigating the relationship that I have with my son, he's going to be 35. And I know that I know without a doubt that he loves me, almost unconditionally. And as, and I definitely love him unconditionally. He could do no wrong in my eyes. But have we

spared? Absolutely. And that's normal. Has it been angry at me? Absolutely. And I'll say, okay, and I get curious, what's going on? How can I listen to you better? So we've been able to work through stuff. And he's allowed to be angry at me. And he's, and even better, thank you for telling me. And we can move on and, and work through it. The father, but my epipony didn't come until I had children of my own because then I started to think in like, wait a minute, and I also

“kind of just figuring some shit out, right? Yeah. We talk about all that. And I think as kids, we then”

finally understand that our parents are just trying to figure it out. And so I know in which we

got to circle back to this, it's hard for me to sit here and listen to you say, my, from a husband ed, because I don't look at him as, it's weird for me to hear you call him, just ed, because I look at him as Eddie Van Halen. But we got to say, well, we'll go back to that. Because that's the way I knew him. I know. Yeah. He was, he was my husband. He's, was my ex, has been. He's the father of my child. So, yeah. He heard from me. Pretty big flex. It's another big flex. Yeah. When you, when you, it's a big

flex. When you, when you decided or made a decision or whatever, it looked like to forgive your parents, was that a, a big part that contributed to your healing journey that you went through. Like, yeah, I think so. That's a, that's a very good observation. It was, it was a big part of it because then I realized I, I didn't have to perform all that time to make them happy. I didn't have to be the good girl. I didn't have to make sure that everybody was happy so that I could then relax. And I don't

know if I ever relax my entire childhood. But I don't know if I ever relax now, either. Her energy feels relaxed. I, maybe it is. But I think I'm, I still have this thing where I feel like I'm on high alert. And maybe that has to do with being in the public eye since I was 12 or 15. Yeah. And maybe that has to do with, there's still that people pleasing in me that I don't want to say anything that might offend somebody because I know we're all different. And we all

go about healing or go about our lives in different ways. And I'm not here to judge anybody.

brain scan? No. What? Well, I'll tell you what. We're, you know, so interesting. Let's tell you why because

we have our friend, Dr. Aiman, who does some brain scans and they scanned our brains. And there's I'm afraid to look at my amygdala. Yeah. There's like, there's slow brain and fast brain. And one's not better than the other. It's not, it doesn't mean like slow. Right. It's just different. There's and there's, there's tortoise and there's hair. But I, there's a bit of both. What you're saying is I have a brain that is I constantly wired to look for what's around the corner and danger and it

makes me anxious at times. Yes. And Lauren has the opposite of what they were saying is people that have that kind of wiring could maybe live longer because you're hyper vigilant and kind of like nervous. But I, I must say, I also have the, like, the blinder's on that I just like, I don't want

to know what's happening. I don't need to know what's happening. I'm just going to sit here in

my chair and read a book and put my gem and I had on my, I know, but I'm a tourist and a, uh, Gemma, uh, Scorpio rising. Okay. With that one, Gary's moon to sum up to some of the anxiousness because like you have the fast twitch brain that's looking for the things that you're also kind of not plugged in and I can switch off. Yeah. But I don't have any Gemini in my, in my chart. Well, a little tourist. Maybe that's close enough. Maybe. When you are a young girl, how does

“Eddie Van Halen approach you? Like, what's, what's, what's, how does he come up? Did I approached him?”

You approached him. Yeah. And what did that look like? Imagine he got a few approaches. Yeah. And after we married as well. Well, I gone to my brothers took me to a Van Halen concert in Shreafport, Louisiana in 1980. So y'all were alive. And we went there because it was during the actor strike and my parents lived in Louisiana, Shreafport. And Van Halen was playing, so my brother's called me and said, "You got to come out because if you come out, the radio station said that we can

get backstage." I'm like, "Okay." And I'm a lender wants that Elton John freak. So I didn't even know who Van Halen was. And my brother said, "There's an atrack in the back of your car. I left it, just listen to it." So I did. And I saw the picture. And I saw what Ed looked like. And I, he's cute. I could meet him. Okay. So we went backstage and I handed each of them a bag of M&M's. And because at that time in their writer was to make sure that the writer was red,

they said we need M&M's and all the brown ones should be removed. And that way they know that the writer was red all the way through. There are the ones that started this. Yeah. Oh my gosh, go ahead. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yes. Van Halen started that because a lot of writers wouldn't get red. And then some of the rigging might be dangerous because they didn't read all the way through. And exactly how the rigging was supposed to be done. So or what was supposed to be there.

“So do you go up to him or did he go up to him with the bag of M&M's and he's so shy?”

And he just gave me this gorgeous, impish grin and said, "Thank you." And then he went back into his room and you could hear him playing because he had his own two-up room. And then I hung out with Elle and Mike and we laughed and then I hung up with my brothers and then we went and saw the show. And they put me on the side of the stage and Ed kept gritting at me through the entire show. And every time we'd come back to get his guitar tuned, he would, you know, just look at me and

and then we went back to their hotel. My brothers and I and hung out at the backyard pool. It was a motel six somewhere in Treeport. And we just hung out until they had to leave on the bus. All right. We do family movie night every single Friday and it's like a tradition in my house. So each week one of us gets to pick a movie, it towns is really into Star Wars right now and draws us into the little princess. And what we do is we make popcorn, we put some crunchy sea salt in it,

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first month subscription. Do all of you guys understand how powerful you are in the media at this age

or did you guys have no context of it? Because you guys, that's a powerful group of people. No. No idea. No. That's crazy. No, well there wasn't the internet. There wasn't anything there was teen beat and tiger beat. I remember tiger beat. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I was already getting attention because of my show and then Ed was getting attention because he's so brilliant. He's probably one of the greatest scholars of all time in the history of the world. Yeah.

He probably has one of the top, I mean, I knew his name but like that's how if you were to ask who that is to me, I would say, it's Valerie Bertnelli's ex-husband. When they study watching the

“future when they study. Now I think he vexed Alan's dad. The guitarist was a whole time. I guarantee”

he will have one of the top five. Through a great. In your books, there seems like you have a really fond, loving energy around him. Yeah. It feels like when I was 20. Yeah. And he was 25. We grew up together. We got married far too young but I don't know how else we would have done it. Our lives were insane. We waited 10 years to have Wolfie. We went through a lot in those 10 years, basically the 80s, which I don't remember too much of between the drugs and the alcohol. It was fun.

You know what? I'm not gonna lie. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of, yeah. But I would never,

I would not do it again. I've done it. I don't need to do it anymore. What was your question? I was going to join the drugs just so I didn't see it. It seems like you just have a lot of love. What is it like? I need to manage a relationship with your profile and his profile at that time in the 80s and stay connected and not just have it go off the rails. I imagine that was a lot. I went off the rails all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we were both doing drugs. We were both

drinking what far too much. And then I stopped drinking and doing drugs. So I stopped doing drugs. I was still drinking. And he kept doing the drugs. And I was like, "You gotta go to rehab." And it's just like, "Who am I to whatever?" But neither one of us dealt with any of our traumas that we were much closer to then. And he went through a very traumatic childhood. So as long as we're not dealing with those, we're going to use drugs in alcohol. And for me, it was also food to

numb any feelings we just didn't feel like feeling. Because we don't want to hear the information. Because it was too painful. So now that I know all this, I feel like, and near the end of his life, I could be much more compassionate. Because first of all, I love him dearly. And this is to not say anything against his second wife or my second husband, I just love the father of my son that I knew since I was 20. I knew that we would never be intimate again, even if had he lived. But I

would always be one of my dearest friends. Because he's just, he was Ed. He was just a huge part of my life. I can understand that. I've known Michael since he was 12 and I can totally, wow, see you get it.

“I get, I totally get what you're saying. Because we go back together when we're 12. But also, I think”

when you have a child with someone, and then you don't have a child with, whoever else who

data you marry, you're never going to have all the first that you have. There's a connection.

There's just a connection, you know, yeah, take it away. No, it just is what it is. And I would much rather feel this way about Wolfie's father than I would hating him. I know and how lucky is Wolfie that he has you to give fond memory. Hopefully. I mean, we've gone through some tough spots, a lot of tough. The three of us went to therapy together for at least a year. So Wolfie could get hurt. And this was like a little bit after our divorce. And I think it was helpful.

I hope. I mean, it sounds helpful. Yeah. You also have opened up about your weight loss journeys. And in this book, you said, you don't, and I'll let you say, you don't lose weight anymore. Release it. You release it. Right. Why? Because I'm not here. I feel like I did a lot of damage by

being this spokesperson for a company that sold weight loss. And I think it's a billion dollar

“industry that is dangerous. Because I think everybody's individual journey is much more important”

to talk about. I think unless and until you deal with the emotions that are like helping you to use alcohol or drugs or food as a process to avoid feelings and numb your feelings, you're not going to get to the, to the real heart of why you're gaining weight or why you're using food to just not feel your feelings. And so I'm not here to tell anybody how to lose weight. I know that as soon as I started really dealing with the trauma in my life that the weight would release

because I wanted to, I wanted to be better to myself. I wanted to feed myself better. I wanted to we all know what foods are good for us and how they're going to help us in the diet, but it don't want to be obsessed with that anymore. Because I'm probably the biggest I've been, I don't know. I was, how much, I don't even know how much I actually weigh, but I was at least 20 pounds smaller when I was the spokesman for a weight loss company. And I actually appreciate my

body now than I more than I did then. Because it was too hard to stay there. That was that was just me you know, white knuckling it so that I could be a good spokesperson for a diet company. And I'm,

I have a couple of different sizes of jeans in my closet and I'm not embarrassed by it.

You posted a selfie that you said people weren't like wild. Basically my underwear looked like a

bikini. So I didn't understand. I was trying to show. You'll talk. Thank you. You'll talk. Thank you. Well, I was trying to show that I have wrinkles here and I have stuff here and here and it's normal. I mean, I have even more now because I'm getting older. That was a couple of years ago, but like it's just a body. And I'm more proud of my body for getting me up the stairs. I want to be around to hold my grandchild one day when I'm lucky enough to have one. I want,

I want to work on my upper body right now, not because I want great arms, but because I want to be able to lift my carry on to the overhead compartment. And it's getting harder. So I need to do a little bit more weight work. I want to work on my body so that I can move more easily in the world,

“not because I want to look better. I think about this a lot is being physically able and fit”

and doing those things. You will then probably be less stressed about what you're talking about and likely actually end up where you want to be. Right. But you get a feel better and live better. Right. And just be healthy. Right. Was a healthy attitude as well. Yeah. I think there's a lot of people listening that are at different stages in their love life and you really open about your love life and you kind of said that in the book that you don't, you didn't know if you wanted to

have another chapter in love. I still don't know. You saw James. Yes. Yes. Is the lead singer of Metallica? Mm-hmm. That field? Hi. Hi. Hi. I wasn't going to tell you, so you see the lead singer of Metallica and meet him. And you get a little goose bump. I did. And before this. And let me- Right. God. Between Van Hane and Metallica. Well, we'll be open for Metallica for two years. So we're

“in into James a lot. Oh, it's got to be one of the coolest things ever. Oh, James. He's such a sweet,”

sweet man. And let's be very clear. He has a gorgeous, beautiful girlfriend. Okay. I wasn't about taking his girlfriend or trying to get him to date me. It was what happened to me was I thought I was

dead inside. I really did because I thought I'm never going to date again. I am going to get more

cats and I'm going to grow old and not give a shit. And I was just angry. And I was hurt. And that was the first time. It's like, oh, I still have my pilot light. It's still lit. Okay. So I can find men attractive. I'm not dead. Thank God. Now, what's happening is I don't know because I don't even know how to go about finding anybody out there. And I'm not looking a bookstore. So wait, hold on. It's a book for us. It's a book for us for a week, one quick break. Like Billy Crystal. Are you

a person of heaven of heavy rock and heavy metal? I'm a personal fan of mammoth. My son's band. Okay. But do you love it? You listen to it all the time. Yeah. It's like Taylor Swift and Wolfie. Okay, because as you're talking, I mean, not to paint a picture and we're just meeting, but it you tend to maybe seem to have a type of a guy that you are not really, which is interesting, because if you look through James and Ed look nothing like. No, but they. And my goal. If my

second husband looks nothing like both of them, I don't have a physical type. But you're not like, you don't listen to Master of Puppets. And you're like, they got a good album. Let me see this. I like Taylor. Let me see. I don't know what James looks like. So because if I put on heavy music for Lauren, you'll turn it off. That's wrong. Listen, you know what, but I'm with Lauren on this one. I can't listen to it all the time. Now, at a live concert, it's mesmerizing, especially when

you go to see a twig concert. I've never been to a live concert. You never taken me to one.

Also, we danced at our wedding to nothing else matters. The frequency is pretty. Yeah. That's a softer sleep. This James is. No, listen, when I was high. Just like. So I had a little like crush on him for like a millisecond. And then I was like, oh, I was more grateful that I got that little millisecond crush. Oh, he's so hot on stage. That I was like, oh, okay, I'm not dead now. I can actually see if I could actually date somebody.

When I was a kid, the first, so Aussie died this year. And I was like depressed. Because I realized what it was was when I was like 11, 12 years old and trying to figure out myself, I figured out blacks out with. And then that led me to Van Halen. And then ultimately to Metallica. And what I

“realized is like, I think depending on when you find music in your life, it will kind of like”

propel you throughout the rest of your life. And so that these, some of these characters are like, yeah, I think you're right, because I, I started off loving Elton John and Landaronstadt. And now I, and then I loved Van Halen because I, I knew something about the people in it. And if I know something about the people in the band, it, I'm more towards enjoying it. But I'm, I, I'm a

because it's something it can live on. We're put your body on a different frequency. And that's why

“do sometimes in the morning, if my cats are feeling a little crazy, I'll put on bird TV and I'll put on”

Solfejium music. And I'll do a certain hurts so that, you know, they kind of like chill out, and they don't have an anxiety. We love her. Yeah. You, you wrote about her. You also love the bird song. I take my son and his character, his little, Stroller. And he loves the bird song. Because they, they're all singing to us. Yeah. It's, it's good. The freedom he's going to love heavy metal. Yes, you will. What was it like for you to have experienced everything with Eddie? And then you have a

son who's got this talent, too. Is that wild? Yeah. Yeah. Because I, I'm still like my jaw drops when I watch Wolfie on stage. He's just phenomenal. I do. And like, one of, some of my favorite moments are sitting in 51 50 watching Wolfie create his records with his team. He's, it's just, like, that's my son. Is it genetic? It could be, but I don't, because Wolfie works his ass off. I mean, he's probably got about 10,000 hours under him. I mean, I don't know, but he's been doing this for

almost 20 years. So he's got a lot on hours under him of playing music, starting on drums when he was eight or nine. And then moving to guitar, he wanted to learn. He had Ed teach him a song for

sixth grade step up. And Ed just was like, his, Ed, Ed's eyes always sparkled when Wolfie

wanted to learn something. And then he learned bass so they could play with Van Halen because it's dad wanted to, I mean, getting his dad to play again and, and find joy in playing only Wolfie could have done that. And, and, and, and that's interesting. That's the reason he went back and said with, Ed never would have toured again if it wasn't for Wolfie. Wow. That all. And so we got three

“extra tours. And I think an album or two out of, all of that, because Ed so enjoyed. I mean,”

I remember when I was pregnant, we didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl. And he was like, I don't care what it is. As long as they can play music, I just want to play with this kid. And he was in heaven. What do you remember what you guys did to cultivate the talent? Like,

is there it was, was Ed, like playing in front of Wolfie when he was little. And never stopped.

Ed was, there was guitars against almost every wall. There was a piano in the, in the living room. There was 50, 150, which was right up the hill. So the Uncle Al's drum set was set up there all the time. So Wolfie had, and then we got his own drum set. So he had musical instruments all around. If from the time he was little, he had this little tiny red piano. You know, those cute little kids pianos. So he had that. And he plunked out his very first song on that when he was just a,

I don't know, six. And then you're also a performer too. So it's like, you mix it together. And what do you got? You got Wolfie. But it's opening for me. And look, it's a very good actor. Like, I mean, I could not, like, people are missing something. Like, he's so funny. He's, he would be great at acting as well. But he's like, got this music thing figured out too. How come you connected so much with Drew Barrymore? She's like a Kindred spirit. She is exactly what you see is what you get.

She is one of those people that are so rare in that they just don't judge somebody. She literally does not judge anybody for anything. She just will hear their story and understand it.

And that's so rare. I mean, I'm, the first time I went to therapy is like, I just don't want to be so

judgy anymore. Just stop me from being angry. And I don't want to judge people. And I still have a hard time to this day. But I try to remember the way Drew is and just to have an open mind and open ears and just let people be who they are. Unless they're hurting somebody. If they're not hurting anybody, why do I care what they're doing in their life? Why do I care how they're dieting if they're not hurting and break? And if a why do I care how they're navigating their life,

if they're not hurting anybody? For people who seek careers in the public eye, what are some things you would caution them against? Don't believe the good and don't believe the bad. Don't believe

“any press because none of it, you must find your center and yourself and you must ground yourself.”

And I didn't learn that until the last few years that I was not going to, I was not going to amount to really anything emotionally until I let go of how people perceived me. Now, I can watch somebody literally write months and months of lies about me and be like, oh, isn't that interesting? Doesn't change who I am, though? It's just their perception of me. Doesn't mean it's true. It just means that they feel like telling people that I'm a shitty person, but that's not who I am.

And in the past, what would that do, to you? I'd be devastated. I'd be fighting. I'd be like trying to argue with people that, you know, and try to defend myself. I don't need to defend myself. I'm just, I'm not that. Why would I defend myself over something that doesn't make any sense to me?

I'm not a good cook. I bet you're better than you think you are. No.

No, I'm not, and it's always what you're husband to be honest. He's always got $1,000.

I can make a good sandwich. Don't not laugh. Oh, that's true. That's huge. Good sandwich is not easy. Good sandwich is not easy. Good sandwich is not, look, you make it. Great. So a good sandwich is pepperosinis. That's very good. Yes, but Frenchinis. Yes, yes. Once you can stand right. And sourdough lightly toasted with a little bit of a mayo, well, how many? You can't have all the talents or you're amazing at 1,000 things cooking. Maybe you could be, if you

work. Well, this is Valerie's the perfect person to ask. So you had a cooking show, cookbooks, all the things, and even in one of your books, I can't remember which one you would put recipes in it.

“Which one was that one? Well, we read it. I believe that was enough already. Okay. Yeah.”

But there was, I haven't three new cooking shows now that I have on my own at Valerie's place. So I can go on and I can watch you cook and you'll teach me? Yep. What's a recipe that we can start with if we're not great in the kitchen. I would go Italian. Anything Italian is so easy. Like, I would do like a roasted broccoli pasta or I would do just an arbiata or I would do like a vodka sauce. You know what you see here in our way in your books? The jalapeno poppers, they're very easy.

Wait, so you make them or did you buy them? Okay. I used to buy them and eat them by far too many. I would just like five boxes and bottles. There's no really good. They're so good. But now I make my own because you can make them without being breaded and they're just, it's just cream cheese and cheddar cheese or jalapeno cheese, cheddar jack and you wrap it in bacon. Okay. And you just put it into the oven. Yes, you do.

“I have a fan. I'll tell you what. No, you have to. You have to, you will burn your eyes. You will burn,”

your nose, you will burn your lips. Oh, I will touch your face. I had a friend who was trying to impress a girl. And he made jalapeno poppers by hand and then up going and getting intimate later. He did your anger. No, it was a disaster. Yeah. It would be hell. And everybody was burning down below and she was totally creeped out and it was a total disaster. I'm sorry. Yeah. It didn't happen to me. No. But I was saying if you're going to do that, Lauren, then where the gloves. Yes, please wear the gloves.

You don't want to do that. You discussed being at the Beverly Hills Hotel having a

Carthie $50 salad and you got menopause your first hotpot. What? If someone's listening,

they're going to go through menopause. They're about to go through it. What is your tips, tricks? Don't let it scare you. It's just, there's just right it. You can't do anything but right it. There's nothing they can, you can take? No. I tried hormone replacement. I tried all that stuff. It didn't work for me. Again, everybody's different. It didn't work for me. And I thought, okay, a hundred some odd years ago, women went through this and they just, you know,

white knuckleed it. I can white knuckle it. I'm really good at white knuckleing shit. This episode is brought to you by Taylor Farms. Crunch, crunch, crunch. I just ate my chicken, bowl, protein bowl. In my office, very quickly, it had sliced sweet potatoes. It had raw jalapeno. It had crunchy organic white onion, and it had chicken, and then I put underneath it to like support it. Some Mediterranean crunch by Taylor Farms. This is such a hack. With Taylor Farms

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in the cars to pick up to activities, to the dentist, our dentist is two hours away, which will get

to in an episode soon. But what I'm driving, I always stop by Starbucks. And my specific order,

because you know I'm going to give it to you, is the new iced lavender cream matcha. Oh my god, it's so good. It's like smooth topped with this subtle lavender cold foam. It just feels

with this, I actually text my friend the other day. And I was like, you have to try it. It's also

“so pretty. The best part to me about Starbucks is that you can customize what you want. So I can adjust”

the sweetness or change the milk to really make it my own. And the sweetness, I like to make

very, very light. I like it to feel like refreshing. So it still tastes amazing. It just feels

more refined and intentional. I recommended this drink to some of the girls on our team and they all loved it. It's perfectly balanced. And I have no notes and that's rare. You go in Starbucks and you create something that feels completely your own and personalized. And for me with Starbucks, I make it work for my routine and I customize my order. You can customize and edit as you please. That's what I love about Starbucks. So this spring, find your flavor and make Starbucks part of your ritual.

And definitely check out the new iced lavender cream matcha. Oh my gosh. I'm obsessed. Let's talk about granola AI. So many of us are stuck in back-to-back meetings all day long on these screens. If you guys know what I'm talking about and know the struggle, you're nodding along,

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the back of your mind, you're secretly stress controlling your memory for what was just said or

who's supposed to follow up on what I know I am. So what is granola? Granola is an AI powered notepad built for the way real people actually meet. Here's how it works. You take rough notes like you normally would and in the background granola securely transcribes the meeting, then it turns everything into clean, structured, actually useful notes when the meeting ends. This is such a productive tool for anyone who wants better notes after meetings who wants to stay

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and still walk away knowing exactly what was decided, who's doing what and what comes next. I love how this saves time. I personally love to take notes and then reflect, but it's a mess because I'm trying to listen at the same time so many of us forget things and we're going back and forth. I also don't like being in meetings where it makes it look like I'm not paying attention or I'm distracted, especially on screens because people notice those things and

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pink, a custom, buttery dust bag, and a silver roller. Not pink anymore. That is ice colds. I wanted to do a judge on the iconic ice roller. I wanted to update it. This ice roller for me has

always been more than just a tool. It's about helping us de-puff and sculpt and calm the skin in

a way that feels intentional and I wanted the ice roller to feel evolved. It's changed. You've changed. So yes, the new gorgeous stunning beautiful ice roller is still going to do the same things. It reduces puffiness and redness in your face. I used it this morning. Before I put on my makeup, it definitely helps with the under eye bags. Of course, it helps boost circulation and radiance. I just feel like it really helps stimulate blood flow and gives me that tighter more radiance skin.

And then it also is known to give you a smoother, tighter looking skin. So what I like to do is I like to combine facial massage with cold therapy and this really helps give you a really nice foundation

“before you even apply your skin care. This ice roller for me is a full circle moment. I think”

that a lot of you bought the ice roller, you know, five, six years ago when we launched it. And now I am launching something that feels more an alignment with where you're at. It's so beautiful you guys. Like it's just softer and more effortless in every way. And I really put my own touches on every single little step from the packaging to the colors to how it feels to even the roller. It's all been elevated just for you. So the ritual, the Lauren ritual is you do cold therapy

to help fight inflammation. You roll it, you've glided across your face. I put it on my jawline. My neck, I roll it down. Your skin is just going to appear smoother and tighter before you go in for the kill with the skin care and the makeup. Don't skip the cold therapy. The new ice roller is an upgrade designed to meet the standards of today. And I hope you guys love it as much as I do. This is the beauty tool that started at all redesigned to evolve with you. I'm showing it on

That's shop sconyconfidential.com. How does someone date you? What if someone's the one they want to

“do? Just scared the shit out of me. Oh, how do we date you? What if someone wants to date you?”

I'm going to date with you. Look out, Michael. I'm sure it's a young teenager. Yes, I have parameters. They can't be younger than, let's see, I'm going to be 66, so 56. They can't be younger than 56. Okay. And they can't be older than 76. In your book, you have a specific description. It's a very... Yeah, I want somebody that comes me that reciprocates what I give. I like the idea of a big burly guy with beard and a guitar. I don't know if I could do a musician again. Really?

Ben, they're done that. Yeah. Checked it off the list. Yeah. You got it. Yeah. I think you covered it. Yeah. I mean, it would be nice if he had a job. Oh. Because I've dated men without jobs and that's not fun. And I'm not here to judge. Drew would say she'll take anybody. I'm like, after what I've been through and the amount of money that I've had to put out and you got, please have a job. Yeah, you need a job. At least your retirement fund. Well, I think it's not just about the money. It's about showing that you're waking up and doing

something and being useful every day. Right. And yeah, because you could be going and working at

“pro bono law firm. Or you could be anything just do something with your life. What do you find?”

What do you find interesting in your life? When you have interests, I want to know what your interests are. It gives us something to talk about. What do you do for fun? What do you do that confuses you? That what do you do that challenges you? I just want interesting people. And I want, I don't want to be stressed. Like, don't stress me out. And please communicate. This is a unicorn. Yeah. I know. Maybe you would just go out. Don't stress you out.

Wait, I mean, it's looks. It's pretty hard to stress me out. I let a lot of shit roll off my back. Okay. And, but just be nice. Like, if you can't be nice to me or if you can't, like,

I'd like flowers, set me flowers. We like, I gave it a guy like that. I never once sent me flowers.

No, I know. No, no. That's a bit of a red flag. You know, we went really broad. And this is gotten very specific as we've had. Has has it. Yes. Women like flowers. I don't know why. I don't like flowers. I'd like them once a week. But surprise her. I just sent you flowers. That was Valentine's Day. That's a cow. Oh, yeah. Valentine's Day doesn't count. I don't know. You know what? It either. It doesn't count. But if you don't do it. Oh, my God.

Do you know what happens if you don't do it? I'm Valentine's Day. No, no. You still have to do Valentine's Day.

“But that doesn't count. You should get flowers the next day too. It's like when an”

opple when you pass go and you collect the 200 doesn't mean you just exactly. No, you have to do it on Valentine's Day. And if not, you're straight to jail. Exactly. You talked about the six stages of loving yourself. Are this your sort of mission statement or is it something that you learned from someone? Is it something that you apply that you share with everyone? It's just things that I thought, okay. I've done this. I've done this. I've done this. I, those don't work. So now it's time to really

dig in and get gritty and figure out why it is that I allow the shit that I allow. From myself too, it all starts in my own head. So if I'm speaking unkindly about myself, it doesn't sound odd when someone speaks unkindly to me. It's like, oh, yeah, I get it. I wanted to kill your friend that said on the walk something about like, I know your thighs, yeah, the sound, but I was able to now. Now I can laugh about it. And I can wear those same pants and go, what an asshole. You know, I was like, cut, yeah, oh yeah,

cut that fat. They're not in my life. No, listen to the birds. You don't need to listen to that. Yeah. And the sound makes me laugh. I mean, who has gap fight? By gap. By gap. What do they call it? So people do. What? Hot dog links. Yeah. I mean, God bless you if you do, but not when you many women are built that way. I don't have a hot dog legs after three kids. Yeah. I know, but I bet your legs are hot. I bet they're gorgeous. I don't know if I would like. Oh,

Michael, this is where you say, yeah, I'm hunting your legs. I don't know if I would want you to have hot dog legs. That doesn't sound silly. No, you don't want her to have hot dog legs. You want the

legs she has right now today. Listen, I love, well, a third kid for a reason. Yeah. Well done.

What is sphere of spirituality? You look like to you. You talked about my favorite person in the world the least. Hey, I can, I could not believe you opened your book with her, right? Because that got me through some really scary shit. I every time someone comes on the podcast and they like are looking for something like, you got to read, you can hear your life. I feel like, oh, the preacher mine is yellowed. I've had it for so long. Yes, all as well. Everything is happening from my highest

good. And even in this situation, only good will come. I am safe. You kind of almost sound like her. I love her. I love her. She's, and she was so before her time. It's so before her time. What I like most

and she infused you with energy that you can be your own guru. And that is so different as we've seen with a lot of these gurus or not. So guru, some of them have to be on a list that just got released. Trust your instincts. That's another thing I've learned a big time in the last two years. I will

“trust my instincts. If I think it's a red flag, it is a red flag. You know, it's, it's, it's weird”

because in this, I guess like, if there, it's a circle of back to like about entertainment, Hollywood.

Like, sometimes what you see is not always what you get. Do it. And sometimes what you see

is exactly what you get like Drew Barrymore. Yeah, that's true, too. That's true, too. So how do you think about spirituality now at this point after everything you've been through after all the books that you've written, you've had such a full life. What's your energy on spirituality? Making a connection with some sort of higher power universe, God, whatever you want to call it. I was raised a Catholic. I don't necessarily believe in organized

religion. I think it's used more as a power play as opposed to someone really because if you can't ask questions of your religion than something it's about power and it's not about really finding a better way to, for lack of a better word, behaving in life. Like, you don't want to behave, but you just want to be your best possible version of who you are, your highest version, so that you can then treat others with pure kindness and hope to receive that back. So in doing that,

it's just looking for the goodness the positivity in the world because it's always there.

Finding the gratitude. It's always there. Even in our worst times, like the Louise A quote that I said, I was on the ground sobbing and I was just like her words came into my, like, oh, as well. This is, this is all going to work out for my higher good. This is all going to, I'm okay. I'm safe. Nothing's hurting me. It's just emotions. They're scary right now, but it's just finding that peace within us that is all of us. We are all connected. In some way, it's all energy. And that

energy is what you put out in the world and the more positive energy you put out in the world, the more positive energy there is in the world. And we can hopefully negate all that crappy energy that's out there. For some reason I have weird feeling that your next person that you're with is going to be a writer. Try that. No, thank you. Why? Maybe it was just that particular writer. Yeah, maybe it was the particular, exactly. I find writers amazing. My sons are

writer. My ex husband was a writer. Maybe it's a different writer. Maybe it's not like a traditional

“writer. Maybe it's a writer like Wolfie writes music, right? Okay. Is he also a writer like a writer?”

Wolfie writes his music. He plays guitar. He plays bass. He sings. He does everything on his album. Maybe it's a different kind of writer. Maybe. I definitely am. I definitely lean towards artistic people. Yeah. I like someone who really likes to use that artistic muscle in them. And let me just say everyone has that. Sometimes we suppress it because we got to get shit done, but everyone has an artistic muscle. I want to know what book is next in you. Is there another

book or are you done? I didn't think there was after I finished this, but I usually think that when I'm done anyway. So let's see how I feel in a year because I've changed so dramatically in the last two years. And I didn't think that was possible. I don't know. I probably have another cookbook or two in me. I know I want to do that, but I also really like helping people. I like inspiring people to be them their best selves because that then inspires me to be my best self.

“So in that, that give and take, we all kind of rise a little bit higher. So I think there's still”

maybe like this book started off as exercises, exercises in finding our best self and being kinder to ourselves. And then it just kind of veered off into like so. I'm a victim or a survivor

of sexual abuse. So let's talk about that. Never thought I'd say that out loud. But I was able

to work with the therapist for 10 years to where it now finally became something that I could actually say out loud and actually put a picture in my book of that 11 year old that was abused. And say that's not right. That should never be happening. What did that do to your healing journey to be able to open up and say that? It freed me in a way that I can literally say it because the first time I tried to say it 10 years ago, it came out and I thought, oh, okay, now that I finally

said it, I'll be free and I'll be healed. No, took me 10 more years of really digging down deep and then doing EMDR, which really helped me. But being able to say it now, there's a freedom in it that my shame can't be used against me anymore because I have had someone know my shame and then in anger try to use it as a weapon to hurt me. And now they can't do that because I own it and I own

gives me freedom and more in a way grounds me more that no one can hurt me. Like I can watch people talk

about me and say things that aren't true and be like, yeah, oh well, and not feel like I have to defend myself because I know who I am. If you guys have not read Valerie's books, I recommend going to get all of them, but you also can just pick one up and start it. Like you don't have

“to read start to finish, I think. So if you want to go get her new book, I also have it on audio.”

And I like that. I do read it and I really wanted to do the meditations in the book, kind of like really gently so that if you want to listen to it while you're in a bath, it may help you find a calm place and go someplace else in your own brain and mind and emotions. That's really cool. So you can listen to your voice and do the meditations with you. I love that. Getting make at the quiet work of becoming perfectly imperfect. Everyone can go buy it on Amazon.

Is it pre-order when does it come? I suggest maybe going to your local book stores where you

“really like to keep local businesses thriving? Love it. There's a bunch of great local”

bookstores everywhere. So go there first. I will be in the kitchen trying to cook with you

on your new show. Oh good. Where can we find your new show? That's on Valerie's place. It's an app that you can download. You can go to Valerie's place.com or you can go to wherever you download your apps. This is great learning because now I can run you through all the albums. Yes, please do take her through a disaggregory thing. I'm going to go with you. You can cook. I'll run you through all the way of supporting her. Slowest frequency. One that's like nothing else matters. Like where do we

start? That's just low vibe. Listen to Wolfies. The last song on Wolfie's new album. He wrote that. I'm not. I don't know if I'm allowed to say it. He wrote it for someone special. And it's a beautiful song. Okay. So I'm going to start there. All in good time. Oh, my mammoth. Listen to that. Can you listen to mammoth? You can also listen to distance, which is a song he wrote for his pop after his pop passed. And that was beautiful. That he was nominated for a Grammy for that.

I'm very proud of my son if you can't tell. I have a song that I sing my son every morning. Do you? He lives with this mom for the rest of his life. No one but his mom.

“You're letting his mom. I see you. Have you read a love you forever?”

Oh my god. That book. Okay. So I used to sing that book to Wolfie. And then I'm started looking at it and the way it progresses. The last page is kind of creepy. And so I'm like, oh, well, maybe not.

But it's the same thing. I love you forever. I love you for always. You know, my baby. You'll be.

But all the time. I'm going out of the house at some point. I don't relationship with other women. That's really what I thought too. But I'm so in love with his wife. Okay. And I love going over there. And I love hanging out with them. I also love giving them their own time. But I really thought that too. I'm said, you're not moving anywhere far from any literally. You also have to fill your frames with grandkids. So I can't wait. We'll see. We'll try.

Thank you so much for coming on Valerie. You can come back anytime. Thanks for having me.