E1094 Ask Nick - I Like My Coworker… But I'm HR

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but not before. You go on and give us a follow. How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm Mary. I'm 25 and I have a crush on my coworker, but I work in HR. Well, what's your advice? Well, so my dilemma is I know workplace relationships are pretty taboo in a corporate environment and HR is who puts all the policies in

place. So my question is, is this even worth pursuing? And if so, how do I go about it? I can give some background. Yeah, I'll give you some background. Yeah, so there's a guy I met at work a few months ago who I used to

sit by and our conversations have always been really easy and fun and

even flirty at times. Plus he's like exactly the kind of guy I'm looking for. But it's awful. So I've been single for a few years and I've gotten really granular about what I'm looking for in my future boyfriend or husband and he checks a lot of those boxes and he's smart, he's respectful, he has good goals, we get along really well and he's just really cute. Just to more accurately put that, he sounds like he checks

some boxes. Well, we're still getting to know each other. For sure. He might check all the boxes, but we don't, yeah, he's cute, he has some nice things. I'm guessing you have more than four boxes as well. I'm just pointing out because I just think it's always important the things that we say to ourselves and out loud, the narratives we have in our head become our reality. So be open to, you know, to help you, I want to hear more of this backstory, but in general,

just as if we only had 30 seconds and you saw me in the elevator and I'm like, make me have a quick question for you. This is the advice I would give you. Is this be more open, rather than right now you're giving me, I've taken my time, I spent the past few years being more discerning, learning about my likes and dislikes and then I met this guy. He showed up at my work and wouldn't you know what he's perfect. We don't know if he's perfect. We know

“that he has some nice potential and so I think just remember that as you explore the upside and”

the downside of pursuing this guy. Absolutely and just like with any kind of relationship, we're still just getting to know each other so it's been a surface level so far, but from what I've seen, he just is a good guy and he's kind of guy that I want to get to know a little bit better. For sure. So yeah, my department recently moved to a different floor in my building so I don't see him as much anymore so now whenever I see him it's like when one of us is visiting each other's

desks and do we visit each other's desks a lot? I probably see him at least once a day and that's like one of us having to go out of our way because we work in different parts of the building so

for sure he's single I'd never go after someone who's taken. How old is he? He's 26. I'm 25.

Yeah and so this has been going on for a couple of months and I finally worked up the nerve and asked him to lunch last week and it was really good. It was like easy conversation. Like a work lunch? It was yeah it was at work. Yeah we have like a cafeteria. I mean at this at this point though, I mean you know works generally kind of boring and I don't know what you do for living but like I am sure people notice. I've been careful about it and made sure that if any

of our conversations were overheard or if we gather that. I'm not I'm not in any way questioning your professionalism obviously your your your hyper aware of it which is part of why you're calling.

“I'm I'm just simply pointing out. What's the average age of the people you're working with?”

Is it a spectrum? Um yeah it's a good mix. I would say it's average age is maybe like 40s. Okay well all those 40 year olds. They're noticing the young hoties flirting. It's all I'm saying. I'm just you know it's it's probably fun. It's exciting for them. When I worked in an office space where I was on the younger side of things they talk about you and all I'm saying is I just certainly know the HR policies around this. You know that better than me.

Sounds like there's a window here for you to pursue him but you're more worried about optics and I'm just telling you they're already noticing. You know they're noticing to attract of people visit each other at work especially after one person moved to floor. They're noticing a lunch and while they might wonder if you're just friends they are aware on some level that there are two single people of the opposite sex who are attracted to the opposite sex.

Having lunch? Is that not so innocent just two co-workers having lunch? I mean the more innocent it is the more fun it is to talk about I'm just sat up. I'm just talking about the 40 year olds many of which are maybe married with kids or whatever in their life are entertained. By the single people one of which is an HR you know I'm sure everyone heard about the

“cold play story. Exactly that's what I'm worried about. He was married. It's like he was married.”

I'm just saying don't dilute like they they notice and that you don't need to do something about it. I don't think you start acting weird but like let's not pretend that you're being so covert that no one notices you guys hang it out and talking well my company's policy clearly states it doesn't prohibit relationships in the workplace unless there's a reporting relationship and he's in an entirely different department. The way my company is structured is that there's

a different HR manager for each department and I don't work with his department so I've never

have any kind of influence on like his performance reviews, promotion, salary, nothing like that. How what do you guys talk about when when you guys we we talk about we've talked a lot about travel about like hobbies and our lives in general we talk a lot about work but it's it's kind of gone beyond that like at lunch we were just kind of talking about like our goals and stuff and like it just felt like more than co-workers. Is it ever brought up women? No. That's good. Good. Yeah and

I know he's single because like we've talked about traveling for work and he kind of just like made a comment about oh like now is the time for me to travel if since I'm single no kids that kind of thing. How is lunch? It was good and so I kind of want to take it outside of work I just want to see like if there's something there but that's where I'm struggling because is that crossing a line and well I mean you tell me is it crossing a line? I don't know since the policy is not like

stating that it would be but I just have never hung out with co-workers outside of work it's not

something I would normally do. Is that like the HR person you because like despite your interest

“and romantically in this guy like co-workers hang out all the time. How's that work? I think that”

is I just like to keep my work in personal life separate so this is all new to me and I don't know how to go about it. Should I even be the one pursuing this like do I make the move because I talk to my brother about it just to get a guy's perspective and he said you kind of have to be the one pursuing him because as a guy he's probably not going to want to risk his job if he's worrying

I think a lot of young men in general are unsure unclear of when it is appropriate to make a move regardless of the workplace and regardless of this person is an HR. I don't think that should be excuse for men around the world. Listen just be respectful guy step up and make a move. It would be my response to them but just to give them a little grace and empathy yeah I think it's a little trickier out there from them to know especially young guys who are an experience. He's only

26 so you know it's all he knows is to be very aware of his surroundings and the surroundings of the women he's pursuing and to be respectful of their boundaries like that's your an HR and that's work so yeah I think your brother's right that like chances are yeah there's a good chance he could be interested and not do it out of of of fear of the right or wrong thing to do and you know there's a level of like well she's an HR she knows whether this is okay or not so she'll ask me you know

I know but as a girl I've never been the one to chase after a guy or move and it's just not the

“dynamic that I normally want and I definitely don't want to scare him off that's what I'm”

scared of too um because he's respectful and he's a little shy and he hasn't made any major moves but he's so don't be so don't be so um I don't think you should walk up to him with a bouquet of flowers and say will you go on a date with me you could extend the lunch invitation from work to like what are you doing tonight there's this place I wanted to try you know I'm so scared I have never done that before good practice listen the days in which I never do this I only do that when

especially when it comes to gender roles and things like that are outdated and antiquated I'm guessing on some level you are a progressive empowered independent woman as you should be you let's not cherry pick the the handful of things that you're like well I am in all those

things but this is the thing that I will never do and this is a man's job and he's you know it's

like you could still it whenever whenever you find your relationship you can define those roles and you can be when you want more to mure and and and take a step back you can have your man lead

“but I don't think when it comes to meeting your person I think we should be open to any possibilities”

with all I'm saying you know and and and I think if you being in the role that you are giving this situation in the dynamic of it if you take it outside of work and you make the first move I don't think that makes him incapable of leading in the relationship if that's what you prefer there are a lot of situations I can think of myself especially when it comes to dating where I took a step back you know I was nervous about making the first move or whatever it was but

I you know I have a strong personality in a lot of ways I lead in my marriage there's a lot of ways in which I default to my wife I don't know I think in 2026 the healthiest relationships have a balance in terms of when people lead and and things like that and you will find that balance and I think

it's just a little unnecessary for you to draw a very hard line because you've never done something

and if anything when you say out loud well I've never done something like that before it might be a signal for you to try it you know it might be a good practice so if the only thing that's stopping you

“is your lack of experience of asking him out outside of work then I think you should give it a shot”

and again I think you can do it in a way that's not too much pressure doesn't necessarily make it weird you could even be like I didn't ask him when I did I asked him out the lunch I need to I have a friend at work and I was like there's this cool place I wanted to try and pick a spot that's not overly romantic or datey I don't could be literally anything I don't know make it be like open that door how do I like casually slip that into a conversation uh would next time someone visits each other

maybe you wait for him to visit you and you could be like I'm just kind of I'm feeling a little like spontaneous I really like I don't know I want to get out I want to feel the energy there's this place I want to go grab a drink I don't know maybe you don't drink whatever whatever it is what you're doing tonight he might be he might have plans assume he has plans but that will if nothing else be an invitation for him that you wanted to hang outside of work and if he's remotely interested

he will be like oh sorry fuck I can't tonight but what do you you know like I'm definitely down another time you'll know whether he is into it or not yeah and he has given science like that he is interested like his schedules always busy but he never cuts our conversation short and if he's busy he's suggest the time when he's free to catch up and when I asked him to lunch he

tell there's something so ask him he's it sounds like he's waiting for you oh my god I'm so scared of what of rejection well you know it's good for you I mean in general failure

“I mean I know not ideal in relationships but it won't kill you and yeah I think there's also”

just another layer to it because I would still have to see him but no you wouldn't if there are people

correct me if I'm wrong on his floor you never see or interact with you guys are going out of your

way to see each other and it's not that hard because it's only a floor away but it would be just as easy to never see him or talk to him exactly like the stakes are pretty low I just like get in my own ahead but there's just so many layers to this and lots to consider uh probably no no there's a couple layers so try to get out of your head try not to add unnecessary pressure there's one layer really I'm in HR and we work together and that makes things a little different than and any other guy

I might be interested in dating and I just need to make sure that I'm being professional which you are so that if things don't work out I'm not in any way affecting my or his career or standing or brand at our place of work other than that he's just a guy and this is how he met and I'm interested in and it may or may not work out but don't make it more complicated than it needs to be yeah I just need to

“go for it not getting my own way well let us know yeah I absolutely will when you need to do it”

I don't know maybe tomorrow for eight love that yeah I will keep you guys posted so thank you so much neck thank you guys for having me on uh thanks for calling and good luck I I think it'll go the way you hope so and if not you will be okay it'll be fine and it won't be the worst day of your life it won't be the most embarrassing momenty real life it will it'll suck for a brief period of time I hope it goes well though I think he it will okay all right take care all right bye

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“of insurance. how's it going? it's going really well how are you? good what's your name?”

my name is Sarah I'm 29 how can I help Sarah? well I have been dating a guy for about 10 weeks now and we get along really well our values really really align we enjoy the same kind of things our timelines match up we're like I am at a point where I'm ready to find a person I would love to have children and get married and he seemed to alarm with all of that I just I'm wondering like after eight weeks should I be more excited about him and I'm worried that if I'm not like

excited about it like does that mean it's not right? what do you mean by excited? like when he comes over I'm kind of relieved when he leaves when I know he's gonna call me at night I kind of get anxious

about it um what did that has that always been the case or has that's is that a feeling that has

increased over time until recently? I think I was a little more like excited when it like the first date maybe the first two dates because like it was brand new and as I like got to know him I felt like I should be feeling a little more comfortable with him than I am and it just feels a little awkward and we started hanging out very regularly almost like every weekend we would hang out a night or two and then Valentine's Day like was coming up and I got him something surveillance

and he would get me something and I got him a card because I know they're super important to him it's something that he really likes and values someone writing down their feelings. I couldn't write in it because I can't I can't lie and like I don't miss him when he's gone and I don't know is this like am I just experiencing something very healthy and I'm just not like excited and it's like I'm confusing

“it for being boring. Maybe I don't know what do you think? how does this compare your past relationships?”

Well that's the thing is I've been really trying to look at my past relationships and I don't think I really don't think I chase like toxic relationships I don't think I mean I've been in toxic relationships but I think I'm pretty easy to like recognize it and get out of it and in whether

it's been a healthy relationship or a toxic one I'm always usually like excited kind of giddy.

Well thinking about the ones that you kind of identify as healthy but you were also excited

excited to like see them and even if it was just like hang out I want to move me like I was pumped up about it and how long forward to it. Okay when you think back trying to as much as you can compare apples to apples here in terms of like timelines which I know is difficult to do and these quote unquote healthier situations in which you felt excited. Do you remember where you stood

“in terms of the certainty that this person really liked you compared to how much you felt for them?”

I feel like in those situations it was very equal. Okay like they liked me as much as I liked them and in this I like I know he liked me. Yeah I mean that's that part. That part's clear. There is that I think whatever I don't know what is where it comes from. I think when we feel like someone's really excited about us but we're still exploring you know our feelings. Even if it's nothing else they don't give us the egg they're not toxic whatever it is but we're just like at

best we're just not there yet but we feel that they are it's a lot of pressure you know. Yeah and I if if nothing else and I don't know I'm not saying this is what's causing your anxiousness but it would make sense the reason why you're not excited and feeling a little anxious when he calls

“and when he shows up is because you feel this pressure to do something you feel like he has an”

expectation the card to write something you don't know how to meet that expectation right now so you feel anxious and right now you're spending a lot more time trying to meet his expectations in a way rather than evaluate how you feel and obviously you've been evaluating it you're you're here talking to me you haven't been able to evaluate it by just kind of being with him and listen it's easier said than done you know you've I'm sure you've heard mine of my wife story

Natalie's story about how we met and I don't know you know first nine ten months it's the Nick didn't want to date me and things like that and certainly there were a handful of moments or now he was like yo what's up in between those moments I don't know how she did it or what her mindset was maybe if you get a chance to ask her you can tell her she can tell you some day but she did a great job of not making me feel like there was pressure it wasn't like it

wasn't like after a couple months she's like hey I've already liked a date and I was like I don't I'm just not sure you know and then she was like okay but then like you know but like whether she said

or not it always felt like she always feel frustrated with me she wasn't making comments she wasn't

doing X Y or Z she made me feel like she I guess accepted my answer accepted my boundary and then a certain amount of time passed for then she was like reevaluated how she felt brought a new expectation or standard of the table and yada yada if nothing else his expectation or how you are feeling or how you are internalizing his expectations maybe he's not doing all that much but if if nothing else this anxiousness that you feel is a result of this pressure that you have

placed or he has placed on where this relationship is going I would say another question like to bounce off of all this is that I don't think he's like a two but I also don't think he's like obviously

a ten and like I always a five so he's a five and that's fine and I don't have like I don't

think the looks thing is like the problem for me it's more of like when he kisses me like I I'm just not into it and I don't know if like that's something that I should like work on with him and like try to make things better but then at the end of the day I feel like I'm like nitpicking and like trying to what do you want first and end well I mean is he a is the chemistry when you kiss off by chemistry I mean like maybe the tongues aren't tugging you know like maybe you guys aren't

dancing the way you guys need to dance and if that's the case sure give him a note but like if you're like oh no he's actually a great one kisser shockingly so I just not into it yeah I guess I don't know because he's not a good kisser so I'm just like very turned off by those things and it's just like every little thing let me why or why are you still hanging out with them

well that's the thing is you know we're always told like hey there's no perfect person out there

and you are going to have to have like a given take and a compromise when it comes to somebody and

“that's why I'm like need to know I want to know from you is attraction and feeling like that”

chemistry that like hold to like lean in versus lean out something to compromise on

that the fact that we value the same things we live the same sort of lifestyle we care about being

healthy and active and family people and you know we are around the same age we're both looking for marriage and kids and and he was so so there for me on the toughest day of lying tire life

“and I think that like I know he cares I know he has interest I know that he puts forth”

effort and like takes time out of his day to do certain things and like I value all of those things so much I just feel myself leaning out versus in and like I like him more when he's not around versus like I try to like shut my brain off and like just how you know we are boyfriend and girlfriend I mean he asked me like two weeks ago to be as girlfriend and I said yes

but I mean it's like I said it's a very new kind of thing I don't see this is like we're not in a

serious relationship at this point it's the beginning I'm just curious how you would respond to finding out that he met someone else and started dating them and is interested in them I think the only reason I would be feel any sort of way about it was because he asked me be as girlfriend and there's like those things and because he yeah I mean I have been exclusive but other than that I don't I mean I think maybe there's a better person out there for him than me

what sounds kind of like you have your like love him more and like be like if someone's telling me like I want to take pictures with you and post you and I want you to meet my family and stuff like that I would hope that your person you're seeing is excited about those things and like I think he deserves that I mean if Natalie would have told me that I mean hell even after we were boyfriend girlfriend a month and I would have been like a little like can't anxious about that I'm like okay

calm down and that honestly it was probably more of a me thing you know I was as we've discussed he is excited about you in this relationship and so these things that he is asking are normal

“and okay you're not ready that's fine you know and that's why it feels a certain way”

it overall sounds like listen you have the answer which is like you don't you're just not feeling a lot while you're describing is you have a lot of compatibility you're in you know you have a lot in common that is really important but chemistry is really important too you know I think we all vastly overweight chemistry yeah um and ignore compatibility there are some relationships out there are solely based off of how two people felt when they first met or the first couple weeks of

of dating and and their entire relationship is solely based off of that and the fantasy that they built in their head of what the relationship should be and then then you know it's not but listen

you've challenged yourself to at least explore this for eight weeks that's not nothing you'll never

know for certain there's always a world where I guess you could miss him I do know that when now and I were dating and I was having a hard time letting her in when we would try to have some distance it would be very difficult for me I would I would definitely miss her and that that was something that was pretty obvious to me so listen if you let him go and that will be really sad for him but if ultimately if you're not feeling regret and if you're feeling relief and a few weeks go by

and you don't miss him and you're not feeling any type of jealousy or wondering what he's doing and then you'll have your answer. Yeah just one more little question is like you know I do think most people do like you said value that chemistry like maybe way more than somebody should but do

“think that that's like an necessity for a relationship. I think it's a personal preference I'm sure”

you've heard the anecdotes about how the success rate of arranged marriages and the cultures that's still practice those marriages you know there's a reason why if this was an arranged marriage if you were part of a culture that did this you would be one of the lucky ones so to speak you'd been like this is a really great guy treats me well we have a lot in common like I he found a friend and then over time you would probably grow that emotional connection and you would grow to care

about him and you guys would form a bond and you would probably work on the sex and the kissing and things like that and you know there's a world where like you could really grow to love them I don't know but you're not in that culture and you don't want to have an arranged marriage and you want to pick your partner and you want to find someone where you at least feel a little chemistry and something

between how much of this is pulled by a chemistry and you convincing yourself you have a lot in common or being pleasantly surprised you know for me I got it you know like it's you know in a weird

“way my reluctance around our age difference I think helped me you know and I think I like many people”

was often choosing partners mostly based off of chemistry and only to find out we didn't have a lot

in common but chemistry you know if you you know I always joke when we were watching love is blind

and love is not blind for me I could not do that you know when I was thinking last night as I was watching love and I got lucky enough that I met someone who I did have a ton of chemistry with but obviously there's a reason why I was unwilling to kind of pursue that and then while we you know stayed each other's lives but like kept a little bit of distance I realized despite my insecurities about things how much we enjoyed each other's company how easy it wasn't hangout with her you know

her timeline you know her values all the things that you described and it was like wow I was able to discover that over time I didn't do the thing that I had done in the past where I didn't really I didn't care about compatibility as much as I should or yeah it just kind of happened so listen I it'll work itself out I it doesn't sound like if listen if you break as heart and you end things and you do it respectfully and with gratitude if you change your mind chances are he will be

glad that you did and you will probably you know and it probably won't take you long to realize whether you felt like you made a little bit of mistake or not chances are you probably didn't you probably you've given it eight weeks you haven't with multiple times but something isn't feeling right and you found a nice friend you respect them but like he's you know not your guy well thank

“you so much I I really think that I I don't think I value chemistry too much I just”

have realized that it is something I do need is like a pull towards each other and um and I think that just goes along with like the things I want as in like compatibility and timeline and all those things too so this is really helpful alright take thanks for the call thank you someone alright take care if you're not easily impressed when it comes to furniture you've ordered

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article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout that's article.com/viall for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is Bree I'm 23 and I need honest third party advice on how to date better in my 20s what do you think you're doing wrong well I'm on the apps and I also like do go out here and there and like try to meet people in person but I just don't know what the issue is like for me specifically with the apps

I feel like when I go on a person maybe people don't recognize that I'm like of age because it looked like younger and I don't drink so maybe that hasn't to do with it okay well just like give me an example of kind of an experience I mean it sounds like you're calling in because you had a couple of experiences that didn't go your way and now you're feeling a certain way about dating in general. I've been on a pinch since August but basically on the apps what I've experienced

is people they match with me they don't say anything they either don't match back with me they match with me they say like one one like sentence and then I don't hear from them again they match

other day I literally got an argument with somebody from the app because I ask them if I argue

“to do something on the apps they okay so they basically I asked them what their Instagram was and”

where they lived just to make sure like that they lived in them my area because I didn't recognize location and they said I was asking all these person questions and then then they gave me a whole spiel on how it needs to communicate better so and that my communication sucks and they're helping me for my future has been so. You were asking them questions and then they said your communication sucks. I asked them what their Instagram was and like where they live and I stated like I don't

like long distance so I'm just curious like you live here because I didn't recognize location in your profile and then the guy literally said to me you're asking me all these person questions we just met and I'm like I don't think my questions are like that ridiculous okay they're not so I mean are you like relatively new to dating you mentioned you got on the apps not too long ago what is your dating experience been like up into this point so I've had two previous relationships

one was to set a month relationship when I was in my freshman year of college and then one was a year and some months that one I've been single since that one for like a year now okay in between that if you just been kind of enjoying the single life and hanging out with your friends like have you done not much dating in between? I've gone on some dates one was of the really nice guy who just the distance and like his works schedule was just it didn't work out and then

one I the date went well and it just didn't work out and then I went out with a different guy the thought I was moving too fast and I thought he was moving too slow so we were just on totally different wavelengths what else I mean I guess when you when you wrote in is it mostly your frustration on the apps or just dating in general? I guess dating in general because I feel like I go out

when I do go out and I haven't been out in a big because sometimes my friends always want to go out

they want to have a night in which I just really understand and so when I go on the when I go out like I sit here and I'm out and I'm trying to like maybe see like if the boy will approach me and I've gotten approached by a couple of guys and they're like oh I don't love you and I'm like and then one of the guys I went out with I met out but that was like the only guy I met out and I've done the happy hour gone to the bars and things and this has gone nowhere okay and how long do you

feel like this has been going on for you? I went on the app and August so I've had not really not much luck there and then I started to go out more because I used to not go like out really at all

“and my mom's always like you need to go out like there she's like if you don't go out”

you're gonna she's like you want to be single for us your life and I was like no well no is your mom like giving you a hard time about your dating life? No she just wants me to be be happy and find my first thing which I can really understand but she's like you need to go out that's not what you can meet people like yeah that's really that's really it and I'm just like I guess I wonder like is something wrong my dating profile is like what's on your dating profile?

I feel like I'm very like open and like very clear with what I want and like just very true to myself and so what I'm not in the app. What is your dating profile say? Well I can go through it but basically on the app I have in my profile I have like my photos like of myself and then mostly just you. I have my thing like my love language on there and like my friend's advice and my sister's advice was get rid of like all the multiple repeated selfies that basically

are same thing like change your photos a little bit so I did that. Do you have any like activity photos? I don't but I have a photo of me and one of my friends so I have that up there and I kind of just like put that like and like I get like positive feedback on like certain like things I have like dating me is like I said like being in our romantic relationship where you're like love 24/7 and like it's full of making memories and that a last lifetime it's like being beloved and at the

same time being like supported and like being relationship full happiness like yeah. That one always

gets like the most hits and then I see like I have one that's like my some pleasures are spending quality time in my person getting sons, spending time in my friends with family, my two dogs, watching the LTV, going on walks and then like the way to win me over is like respect, honesty, kindness, being on the same page, sharing common interests, that's huge to me wanting kids, being and being a provider and a protector so I have that on there and then I have like photos of

myself and then the prompt of like my love languages are this and this so they're really kind of like

“all of them that's kind of on there as well so I I think part of my issue is I have a very specific type”

and I have like various like high standards I feel like so when I go on and like I see like I

have like certain matches I'm always like no no no and then like if I if I do have interest in

somebody like I said my problem is that like I get their number I talk to them once I talk to them

they don't like you back I match with them they don't even message me they just match or me

don't even say anything yeah I'm glad you're getting it this all out you know you're

“offending it's good what do you think I'm going to say take a break from the apps if you want to”

I think more specifically I think you just need to maybe take a breath okay you know I don't think you're doing anything wrong I mean like you know if I like shadowed you for a week I'm sure he'll give you a note or two the problem isn't you I mean there's a lot of problems when it comes to dating in in 2026 hookup culture the apps things like that I think right now you know the way you talk about the apps is it's like everyone's on the apps which they are it's the only

way to meet people which it isn't it's certainly where most people are meeting each other these days it has a lot of obstacles so I think for anyone who goes on the apps nowadays especially if you're

trying it for the first time and you don't really have you're not like a seasoned vet on the app

that where you've kind of you've realized what it is and what it isn't and you kind of have an objective expectation of it is to have the lowest of expectations of the app and at this point I do think the apps they're not designed to help people find love they are designed to get people to stay on the apps that's all apps are you know they're there to make money and they only make money when people are using them and if everyone in the world of fun love tomorrow they'd be no one to

go on the app so you're like you know you're only 23 I'm sure it doesn't necessarily feel like you know I've said this all the time you know today's the oldest you've ever been and when you think about your age especially when you get into our 20s it starts feeling like you're like oh my god

I can't believe I'm 23 you've never been this old and I'm sure from your perspective you don't

feel as young as I look at you and say oh she's only 23 she's got this whole life ahead of her and so I think you know it's I think it's great you know I think your mom's right get out there meet people but I think you just need to take a breath when it comes to finding love I think there's a difference of being intentional to like tell yourself that you are focused on meeting your person and you're open to meeting your person without like applying so much pressure on yourself

and making it an obsession where every you know every time you go out it is to find a guy as opposed to I'm gonna go out and hang out with my girls I'm gonna have a good time maybe I'll meet a guy I'm gonna open to meeting a guy I'm certainly not closed off to meeting a guy and maybe I'll be surprised you know you kind of almost have to go out with this kind of like curiosity and open to being surprised rather than going whether it's on the apps whether it's going

out to the bars make it your whole mission so that if it doesn't happen you leave disappointed

“you should have zero expectations on the apps right like it there it's just a bunch of strangers”

you have no idea who these people are hell you don't even know if they're real you know you don't know how updated their pictures are it's really important for you to trust your gut so when you are saying hey can I see your Instagram and he comes back with a that's two personal if you're like well no it's not immediately at that point save all the energy that you wasted with this guy and just know that yep this stranger this person I don't even know is real

for all I know it's a bot it's not my guy I'm gonna move on you just immediately unmatched you know you knew nothing about this person other than a couple pictures you asked a very basic question he took an exception to that and let you know that you guys run on the same page before you even met this guy he was like we're not on the same page I mean immediately just unmatched you know not you know it's not to be rude you don't have to like you know to be mean about it you could just

“oh okay well if he thinks that's personal I think that's normal I mean I've known I've communicated”

the stranger for five seconds and already we're not on the same page you know so like don't waste don't get enough fight with people you're fighting with strangers for all you know you're fighting with a robot do the little things to help yourself out right because again dating is frustrating it's exhausting this paradigm I don't know if paradigm you know whatever I mean sometimes it's throughout words I don't even know the meaning and the most frustrating thing about love and dating

especially in 2026 is that we still want to find something special we still want to find something unique we still want to watch the notebook and and feel like yep the love I found with my person is is you fork is these crazy characters in this movie but we also like don't want it to be hard you know we don't want to have to write 365 love letters in one year and and wait to 20 years to find love like they did in the notebook or whatever like we wanted to just happen we want you want to

go on the apps for a couple months swipe a few times go on a couple dates and you want to meet your

not realistic so dating is about going on 10 dates just to like one person I mean that's dating

“and that one person doesn't mean it's going to be your guy it just mean it might be the person you”

like are interested it and maybe they're not interested in you and it might have to it might take 10 20 dates or 20 matches at least to find someone who's like there's a mutual compatibility and then you date that person for a period of time only to realize while they were good they weren't great you know and that is unfortunately the reality of dating and that does sound exhausting and it is exhausting but the thing that you can do to help yourself is to not waste your energy

on things that you know are a waste of time like the guy who's like that's a personal

question you're like that's that's literally you think that's personal we're not you know what I'm

saying like to not get frustrated you know like going on the dating apps just know you're going to see a lot of bad options and instead of getting discouraged by all the people you don't like you you you you you yourself said I'm picky I'm particular I have high standards that's awesome well you can't have high standards and like everybody high standards requires patience and a high standards and anything whether it's you know if you if you had high standards at your

job you know you would take a little bit more extra time to make sure it's done right where other people might be like yeah I'm done I don't like and you might be a little bit more patient

to check your work to make sure it's right to review it and yeah high standards requires patience

and a lot of people in dating like to say I have high standards I'm picky and I'm that's true but they also don't have the patience they're like I've been on the app for four months what the

“fuck you know I think you you know I think overall you're doing anything fine you're over analyzing”

you're dating up you're like well this one got the most engagement I mean like listen it's hookup culture to the max right now not to discourage you but I would venture that most of the guys on the app you may might read that and go all that sweet and maybe they want to get married some day but most of them are probably looking for a hot date and maybe a fun hookup but the energy that you are using to be like to find validation and people liking your profile isn't doing you any good

you know again use the apps but just have a very low expectation most people are at it playing hot or not I would maybe check in I mean I would limit your time on it and just you know again you know have fun with it just goof around it is a silly thing it's become comical apps right but you can still meet people right like I met my wife on Instagram so like it can still be possible but like you shouldn't be like Instagram or the dating apps are my key to like finding you know

it's it there are doors and windows to rooms you want to fill so leave them a little cracked open you

“know don't close yourself off you know be open to meeting people I really think we're gonna”

you know like I saw this graph like you know how people met their partner you know from like 1950 to now right and it was just kind of talking about how the internet is taking over and at this time it was like you know zero people met online because online didn't exist right and then most people met people through friends and family church school college whatever and obviously now it's like now 60% of people are marrying their person online and I think over time there'll be a bit of a

Renaissance for a shift and I think your mom is right I think the more you just can get out there and engage with people in the real world and slow down and just try to meet people and have fun with people not with the expectation of finding a husband but just to meet friends and when you find a spark lean into that ask questions but like just know that even in the real world like as a picky particular person you are not supposed to like everyone and they are not supposed to like you don't get discouraged when

you go out on a Friday night and you don't meet a guy you're probably not going to meet a guy when I was the bachelor or every bachelor or a bachelor or a bachelor at who's ever going on that show the show is you know they're saying we have found the 25 or 30 most eligible people in the world and then every lead who like goes out there they're like they may be like two and that's because we we all are all picky and we we're not just going to fall in love with anyone it doesn't

matter if they're all attractive people it doesn't matter if they're all like fairly like good catches you know for a lot of us out there the bachelor casking who go out and find like the 25 most eligible people and that that one lead is still like maybe two you know so think about that when you go out to the bars you know you could walk into a bar and have a bunch of guys and you're not supposed to like fall in love with any of them make if you do great you she then that

you're you're just like this is oh my god this is I this is person real you know like and

and even then you might find out to be able to hold a piece of shit and then they may not like you but like I think you just have to slow down and enjoy the journey a little bit have some fun you're not and and stopping so hard on yourself and when things don't work out whether it's online certainly online or out of the bars you don't have to overanalyze one of my doing wrong

“okay it's just part of the process that you should like it's it you should just be like it's just”

stating and it kind of take it easy or so yeah I think I need to to focus on doing that more like I said when I go out I I do try to you know just have fun and wherever and I go out to be with my

girls and I don't go out to like like go out with the with the intention of like wanting to meet some

women like yeah not with the and like the angle of it obviously yeah so again you're doing all things right the only thing you may be need to change is your I guess analysis of the results of these evenings and just be patient honestly that's a some corny but just keep a positive demeanor have good energy be engaging with people I and and I'm saying that's the someone who's more introverted and I don't walk outside in the public rooms like being like like you know focus on being

the friendly as purpose I mean I'm married you know it's like but if if we want to meet people

“we have to we have to show up into rooms with like a welcoming energy friendly demeanor”

and that will attract people we don't want to talk to you know so again there's that catch 22 but again you just you know try to just make connections with people and I promise eventually to work out but you just have to practice patience yeah because I feel like I'm very outgoing I can make friends with kind of like anyone and I don't have problem like approaching people obviously like if I'm looking if I'm out like I want to guy it to approach me like I don't really want

to approach them but like I can make friends with anyone like if somebody approaches me I can be friendly like it's not a problem for me so I don't think that that's really my issue I just wonder like do people think I'm not of age because like I do look younger and I don't drink like do is that is that part of my issue like do people not to you're over and I like I mean you you look 23 I mean you look I mean if you told me you were younger I'd also believe that I mean

your your age ambiguous is it relates to like being yeah I would've I would've guessed somewhere in early 20s I don't know you know and again I wouldn't listen to people in their feedback of whatever they say they do most people are just if if they meet someone a dating situation that they don't want to continue to think about what you would do you would probably you're just trying to get out of it right so you're trying to say the thing that you think would be the least offensive

that sounds legit yeah you know so like I wouldn't listen to the feedback from people you barely know and I wouldn't listen the feedback from anyone online because you don't know them at

“all listen to your friends listen to your mom but most importantly listen to yourself and I think”

trust your gut you have good instincts and and just be patient and really just it's having the patience so that you don't constantly critique yourself in second guess yourself and definitely stop over analyzing and listen to the feedback of strange men oh definitely take that advice for sure is this helpful this was definitely very helpful um I'm definitely just gonna let things happen naturally that's really my goal at this point like because I'm on the apps and I'm kind of like

there's it it doesn't happen yet and with what's been going on kind of like I don't really have like oh it's gonna happen tomorrow kind of mindset anymore I just kind of sit there I'm kind of like

I'll keep the apps because you just never know but at this point I'm not gonna fully rely

on them because it's just not working you're only 23 so enjoy this have fun with your friends like don't don't waste 23 and this advice I would have given to my younger self being pressed that you haven't found the one yet okay be intentional be open be positive it'll happen okay all right thank you so much all right take care have a great day I love your show I'm a huge fan I listen to ask Nick all the time well thanks for listening to Monday's episode I loved it I appreciate you

all right and I told my friends about it and I told them to listen I love that I appreciate it make my car rides to work so much better well thank you for listening and as you continue dating if you have a meaningful update where you feel like you know this was kind of a nice moment let it give us an update I definitely will thank you so much Nick all right thanks so much have a great day you