E1100 Ask Nick - He's Dumping Me Because I Got The Job

ass Nick reality recap and going deeper plus.

If you love ass Nick, you will absolutely love our ass Nick updates, where you get updates of your favorite calls, our deep dive on all your favorite reality recap TV shows, and our pop culture round up, where we talk about all your favorite pop culture topics that we didn't get to in this week's episode plus deep dives on our going deeper guest, and so much more.

Well, if you do go to Vile files plus, and you will be lucky you did. What's up, everybody? We have a very exciting announcement for all the ass Nick audience out there. We have new Instagram and TikTok specifically for ass Nick.

“So if you want to avoid all the pop culture and reality TV content that we're putting out there”

and just focus on all things, relationship, dating, interpersonal relationships, and just ass Nick content, just please give us a follow, it's ass Nick Vile on Instagram and TikTok. So give us a follow and enjoy, we'll be glad that you did.

Alright, let's get to our first caller, but not before, you go on and give us a follow.

How's it going? Good. My name's Hannah and I'm 36, and my question is, why did the ending of my situation ship hurt worse than the ending of my actual divorce? Okay.

Where do you want to start? I guess I could start with, you know, my divorce and kind of the relationship I had with him and why it ended. So we were together for like eight years and we do have a signed together, but it was kind of like a chaotic relationship, I'd say, like lots of ups and downs, not very healthy, kind

of the whole way through. So I'm the one that initiated the separation, even though I should have been a long time ago, I did it around like October. So it is kind of still new. You ended it last October, so yeah, the October that just went by like 2025.

So probably technically you're still married, I'm guessing. Yeah. Okay. You guys are definitely getting to work. Yeah, I've moved out.

I'm in my own apartment. Okay. I'm just guessing when you ended, when you asked for the separation, I'm guessing there was almost a sense of relief. Definitely.

Okay. Yeah. I was pretty much ready to leave, probably about three years ago.

Another layer to it, like what I think gave me, the push to finally leave is I did lose

my father in June. So I feel that kind of in a weird way gave me a push to do it. I don't know why, but I just, it did. Death and losing people we love, it's a finite thing. It makes this value our own lives a little bit more, it gives us perspective, it makes

“it reminds us that life is short, we, you know, our time is limited.”

And obviously you were going in the, you were in this marriage, spinning your wheels, feeling a certain way, staying in the marriage. Obviously, you were, you know, I've just touched up the U-part, and so there's this commitment. You make to each other, but you were probably grappling with a, do I invest in this marriage and try to make it work or do I accept it for what it is and not waste my life and try,

you know, I'm still young and I'm still in my early 30s. My guess it had had something to do with along the line that gave you perspective that you weren't processing until the loss of your father. Mm-hmm. The perspective is a good way to put it, like, definitely, like, after losing him, it's, like,

okay, if I can handle that, if I can get through that, I can do this almost, like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. So yeah, like, and it was like, he agreed on this separation, it wasn't like, he was begging me to stay or anything.

He was pretty quick to move on, right on, like, the dating sites and he started seeing someone kind of right away. How that made you feel? It hurt a bit, but I still didn't, like, want a back, it just hurt your ego. Yeah.

Yeah. A little bit, like, yeah, I still kind of should think about with somebody else. Sure. Obviously. Okay.

Listen, when we end relationships, like, it's like, I don't want you, but I want you to still want me. Yeah. Yeah. So then I guess fast forward just to, around, like, December, like, I wasn't looking

for anyone else, even though he was kind of with somebody else, but somebody just randomly added me to Instagram. I didn't know him. We had me a lot of mutual friends.

“I think that's how he, I popped up on his Instagram or whatever.”

And then we just started talking and I ended up, you know, like, in a lot, and yeah, he

And it, like, it really hurt, like, it devastated me, I feel like. Sure. Yeah. And worse than when I left my marriage. Well, it's just apples and oranges.

I mean, we can talk more about your situation, but I always like to say this, but if

we were, if we weren't on this call and had, and had some time to work things through, and I just ran into you in the elevator, and you're like, oh my god, Nick, I just just quick question why am I, you know, processing my situation shit worse than my divorce. And I'm like, all right, well, I got like two minutes. I feel pretty confident giving your answers to why, because, you know, you, you, again,

you asked you, it was like, you ended the divorce. You saw that through, and you saw it through, actually, you did more than see it through. You were like, and when I look back, I think deep down I knew I was probably this, this marriage wasn't working a couple of years ago, and then you kept trying, and you still fought.

And you probably did a bunch of different things in those three years to see if they can make this work. And by the time you left, not only were you not even that sad, you were kind of relieved, because deep down, you knew this wasn't for you.

“And the only thing that was really keeping you in that marriage was, you know, the commitment”

to each other, you're for fear of what people might say about you, the fear of moving on, the messiness of a divorce, the fact that you guys share a child together, you know, all, like, understandable concerns, but like, none of which was, I'm not sure how I feel about this person. Am I going to miss them?

Am I going to be regretful to like, and this marriage is, is he the best thing that ever happened to me? Am I being selfish? Am I wondering if there's more out there for me, am I, am I chasing, and that, it was none of that.

Right.

So, like, once you finally had the courage to say, I think we should separate.

That was probably a very liberating feeling. You not only did, were you not sad, you were confident, you felt good about it. You were like, oh, thank God, it's like, you know, you're like, why did I do this sooner? The fear of doing it was much worse than the reality of doing it. And I had been in relationships where it was like, I mean, there was one relationship

I ended where it was like the best day of my life. Well, I did get congratulated quite a bit and he actually, and it was just like a weight off my shoulders and it was like, I'm free, you know, like, I kept saying that actually. Yeah. Like, I'm like, I'm free, like, I kept saying that to my friends, like, yeah.

And then you met this guy and there's a lot of things you liked about him and it was new and it is exciting, and I don't doubt that he probably presented a lot of qualities that you didn't get in your past relationship, which made me, made you really like, I'm really excited about the possibility and then I don't know where he ended it.

“So the why are you processing that harder than the divorce?”

Because this is like, you have a bunch of unknown answers. You have a, you were excited, you didn't have control over this situation. You didn't get to see this through. You feel like you don't have closure. So I mean, it's apples and oranges.

It's not because one was a situation, but, you know, it's like, you're thinking, this was a marriage, this should be, this should be harder. This was a situation. This is barely, this is almost nothing. Yeah.

Why do I feel this way? You're not processing the loss of him, but you are processing, and probably what is still a little scary for you is the unknown of your future. All the times while you were still married to that guy, your ex husband. I'm sure at times you're like, well, what if I did leave?

What would that look like? What will dating be like? I'm sure there was a little bit of excitement. There was also probably a lot of fears. I'm sure most people who listen to this show, because they enjoy hearing everyone's stories

who are currently in healthy relationships, and every time, and every time, I'm like, man, the dating landscape fucking sucks out there. It's brutal, man. I'm like, this is fucking terrible. Everyone listening is like, oh, like, thank God, I'm in a relationship.

You're like, I don't know if I want to be in this relationship, but damn, dating, you know, is sound scary out there. And then wouldn't you know, it's some guy reached out to you and hit you up. And you're like, oh my God, this is fucking easy. This is great.

And then you met him and he like, he breaks me. Yeah. And it was great. And then he left. And so yeah, there's probably a little bit of like the reality that moving on in the dating

from a dating aspect might not be easy. But more than that, it was probably just like the loss of the excitement and the possibility of the unknown.

“Yeah, and I think that's what I was going to say too.”

Like, I was just like so happy and so excited for the first time in a long time, too.

And then it just went away with in like a couple hours, like it just, I don't know where. Like your thing was normal one day and then the next he was just, yeah, I'm taking a step back. Like, I don't know where. So, yeah.

It just all went away. Yeah. You have to give yourself some grace in the sense that like, even though you were ready to move on, you're still obviously healing from that divorce. You're still figuring out what this new life looks like for you.

And he was probably a really great distraction from that. And now you're back into the reality of a newly divorced single mom.

Like I feel like he did give me the push to stay away from my ex and not. Well, though, also the part is like once you like left your ex and you have this feeling of like, woo. Yeah. All right.

I got nothing but optimism in front of me.

There's this all these new possibilities and then and then again, the reality is the

reality of being single and the reality of dating out there. Yeah. It is smack you in the face. Smack you in the face. Now you're, you know, your insecurities or ego or whatever it is, it's like, well, bitch, you

know, like, well, this here we are, this is going to be a grind. That's probably where all these feelings they're coming from and why it hurts, it's definitely not about this guy.

“How long do you hang out with him for like two months?”

Okay. But yeah. Very sick. Really have like much of hurt from like only like two months.

Two months is a decent month.

Do you talk like every single day? Exactly. So you, yeah. Over two months, you can build a pretty meaningful like connection with someone. You know, you can certainly develop feelings.

It doesn't mean you know everything about these people and doesn't mean like, had you got married instead of, and leaving, it would still be a huge leap of faith. We're going to get married based on how we feel now and we're going to hope that what we learn about each other over the next couple of years, um, doesn't change how we feel, which is a huge leap of faith.

I think it's really just that and I think maybe you just have to like, again, I think

“it's really, you have to really give yourself some grace.”

This is about narratives in your head and not questioning yourself or it's just kind of accepting that, that happened. That's a bummer, I definitely got excited, it was a really fun distraction, and it was a fun distraction that had some really exciting possibilities and now it doesn't anymore. It's so fun to like someone and think about the exciting possibilities.

And so that was just ripped away from you. And now. Well, that's the thing too, like the day before he was talking about, you know, the future and all this stuff and then all the sudden he has family issues or something and he was trying things out.

We do that. Well, I know he was like talking to other people too, because he told me.

He just said that he wasn't talking to anybody else, like he was talking to me basically.

That's the why I'm guessing is to why you're feeling that. So the important thing, I think, is to try to not spend that much more energy on the why, and I don't it sure, but once you know, now it's as holding yourself accountable. If you are agreeing with my analysis, I guess, and if what I'm saying makes sense to you, now like once we get off this call, if you start asking yourselves those why questions, why

am I feeling this way over that, making yourself feel a little dumb for having such strong

“feelings for this guy that you didn't even have for your ex husband?”

That's just you choosing to not think about it, and that's not you holding yourself accountable. And that is you using your free time or your mental energy to still enjoy the drama of missing him, and it keeps you preoccupied, it's something to do. You can definitely control your thoughts, and now that you know the why and the reason, you have to accept that.

And yeah, well, things popping your head, sure, but now you can go, wait, stop, you know, I got to stop, I got to stop, I got to stop, and not emotionally beat yourself up and give yourself a hard time, and treat it like an apple's apple situation, it's not, and still be excited, nothing's changed, right? You still survived a tough marriage, and it took a lot of guts to leave that marriage.

And you have no regrets about that, no, no, no, and that's a huge step. And this guy's showing up, who was a fun distraction, doesn't change any of that. Yeah. And so you just have to remind yourself that you're still in a really good spot. And everything you signed up for when you chose to leave that marriage is still on the

table. No, that's true. Yeah. It's true. Like nothing has changed, actually, so yeah, that actually makes me feel a lot better

that the way you just said that, so because I beat myself up quite a bit about that, about it ending, I guess, because I started to think like, "Oh, it was me, or I did something wrong, or..." You weren't as person, it's fine, you know, you only know for two months. And I didn't really know him, know him.

Do you know what I mean? Like I do. And he surfaced level him. Yeah. I knew him.

Yeah.

That's the hard part about dating, because we say things, we try things out.

We want to see, you know, and it's not we try things out because we think we're using people. We don't really know how we feel, and we say it, and we feel it in the moment, and then it's just like we sit with what we said, and then we process it, and you realize, I don't know, maybe I don't know.

And so he went through that exercise, but yes. Yeah. I did. Nothing we did wrong. It's just not your guy.

And you could sit there and go, oh, is it because I have a child? Is it my single mom? Is it because I got the vores? Is it because I'm still not taking me, maybe. But again, I'm just saying, whatever, you know, but I'm saying that the things that we

do, like things that you're doing, questioning yourself, you're making it about you, you're making it about like, what did I do wrong? And I'm just saying, I'm sure he has his reasons of why he didn't want to pursue it. Because that just means that like, eventually those reasons would have come up in the future. He's just not your guy.

And instead of feeling rejected by him, you just have to like, he's not my guy.

“That's also something you have to take in consideration.”

It was a very empowering moment for you to leave your marriage. Fuck yeah, I did this shit, you know, I'd even felt good. And then like, you didn't even have a couple of months before some guys like, yeah, they're fine. Yeah.

Yeah. And someone took your power away from you a little bit. And so it's less to do with him, it's a lot for you to process in a short period of time. Like, it's like a completely different life, like in just a couple months, right?

So yeah. It would do you a lot of good to really just be proud of yourself. You made a very difficult decision and to really be excited about the possibilities. Because nothing's changed. Like I said.

Yeah. You have your child. I imagine. You actually. Yeah.

So you have your kids. I imagine you really enjoy them. I imagine they are important to you and talking to a lot of women who are out there dating, who will hope to have kids someday and haven't had the opportunity to do that.

No matter what happens in your dating life going forward, you will always have your kids.

You know, your friends. Yeah. And so. Can I do a great friend? Yeah.

And I have my mom. So she's so. So I look at it for what it was. A fun little rebound, a fun little moment, must have been fun to just kiss someone for the first time feeling new feelings for a new guy.

I was fun. And it what? It's still fun. And you don't have to take anything away from that just because he laughed and hurt bruiser ego.

You can still be like, that was a fun time. I needed that. All the important things I have in my life, I still have. Yeah. That's a really good way to look at it, honestly.

And the reason you had the guts to leave that marriage is because you looked around and you saw your children, you saw your friends, you saw your family. And you're like, I can lose this guy.

“And honestly, I still haven't lost all the important connections I have in my life.”

And you have all those. And you still have all those. So now you just have to like, get back out there when you're ready. I would de-prioritize dating a little bit as much as you want to get out there. I would be open to dating.

I would be excited about the possibility, but like I would be cautious about jumping on the apps. I'd be cautious about like asking your friends if they know any single guys, you know, things like that. I would be cautious about going out with your girlfriends and only prioritizing where

are the hot men, you know, and things like that. I would really try to be in the moment and just have some fun and really enjoy the company of your friends and ways that you weren't able to enjoy them while you were trying to make a marriage work. And really into the relationship with your kids and really try to just be grateful for

what you have. And I really think that will really help reset all this kind of ugly feelings you have from the situation ship. And just, and think of it as like, this was a great thing. I'm glad this happened.

Yeah. Yeah. I know. I think what came down to the way you said it grossed my ego.

“I think maybe that's what happened a lot of it too.”

Sure, because after he kind of, because he told me over text, he was taking a step back. I, and this isn't like me, but I sent him somewhere saying, I just kind of like a pair

of graph explaining like, you know, my feelings and then he read it and then never answered

me again. And I'm just like, ooh, like, I shouldn't have even done, like that's not like me. I never used, I would never have done that, like before, but I was just more like, what the heck? Like, you were fine yesterday, like, yeah, that's normal.

I mean, you pursued me like, like, oh, I'm glad you're able to laugh, I mean, you have to be able to laugh at this stuff.

And yeah, yeah, dad, you got to look at this as an exciting time in your life. The only memories I have of my past relationships are the bad times, because they're the times I survived and they're, and it's so true. I, the only time I ever reminisce about past relationships, I just think of this text message you sent this guy, you're already laughing now.

That's a great sign. You know what I'm saying?

“But you're just like, I was so fucking stupid and it's funny, like, why did I do that?”

And like, that's fun. I mean, I don't know.

I, I think about that stuff from time to time, and it's, I never reminisce about like

some date that we had or some really romantic night or, or some fucking anniversary's celebrated. No, I remember when I was down bad and feeling like life was going to end, and I, I didn't know how to move on and, and ways that I just obsessed and, and made bad situations worse.

And I, I, I laugh, I laugh at myself and I laugh about the silliness of it all. But more importantly, most importantly, I'm just kind of grateful from what I learned of those experiences that I survived them. And as we get older, your, your divorce will be a really important moment in your life because you survived it.

You know, the loss of your father, obviously, that's a little different because you will always miss your father and you're never going to look back as a good time losing your father. Like you said, you survived that and just so much anxiety is us worrying about the future.

It's the unknown. It's the unknown of bad things are going to happen and I don't know if I'm going to get through them. Will I be able to pay my bills in six months? Things are going really great now.

What if I lose it all? How will I respond? Those are the, all the things that makes us anxious.

“You know, that's why I'm generally an anxious guy because I'm always roominating and I'm”

always like, I have this, my therapist tells me I've been bad in many issues.

My childhood, I have a scarcity of my insects, because we grew up with a lot of money and things like that. So now that I'm in a position where I've accomplished a lot of my dreams and I have financial security, I'm not less anxious, I'm the more anxious, you know, I'm not, I'm like, oh, I know. I can lose it.

Or it could just disappear. Yes. Not that's going to happen, obviously, but that's the fear. Exactly. So, what helps me is knowing what I've survived and knowing that I don't know what the future

will hold, but I know that I will survive it, I will get through it. I don't know how, but once you do, you rarely regret those things because then you realize because then you meet people and experiences happen, even when it comes down to like business opportunities.

I've had business opportunities that had substantial dollar signs attached to them.

That didn't come through, right? And then when you're talking, you know, talking to my manager, talking to my team, my agent and, you know, like, oh, this is an opportunity, there's this dollar sign attached to it. And you start, like, you start assuming it's already a done deal and then that doesn't

come through, right? For whatever reason. And you're like, I just lost out on X number of dollars, you know, that sucks. And then when you know it, two months later, something else comes along, it's a better opportunity, it's more money, one, what it doesn't happen if the other does.

It's just having that awareness without having to overthink it, that allows us to work through the disappointing times and allows us to not be anxious enough. And that's where the, you know, being more mature and more emotionally regulated is to be able to process these feelings on our own or with a therapist. For me, it took me months to process this shit.

Now I can do it in an afternoon with a phone call with my therapist or my wife. Right. Like, okay, yeah, I do feel this, but here's the why I don't need to understand it, no matter what, we're working through it and just having that confidence that you will work through it.

Yeah. We'll get you there. So we'll actually just start at therapy yesterday. Yeah. Congratulations.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. So I challenge you to not use your time in therapy to re-litigate the past just for the sake of it.

You've already worked through in process, trying not to go back and re-minate over them. Yeah. Therapy is a funny thing because we can, we can over-therapize and depending on who your therapist is, you know, I've, some therapists will just keep spinning that wheel, some

some therapists will call it out and be like, maybe let's move forward, you know, stuff like that. But at the end of the day, it's just going to come down to you.

“When you reach a milestone and like an emotional milestone, I think it's important that”

you kind of recognize it and hold yourself accountable and not back track. The challenge part is like, all this is just internalizing. It's all our inner monologue, it's all our thoughts.

I got some good advice or this was helpful for me, trying to like, whether it's you

“through therapist or in your own head, sir, feelings will come up a week from now.”

But a lot of people will just, you know, for the sake of doing it because it's something to do. We'll choose to ignore all the progress they made. The advice they got from a therapist or some podcast got, you know, drinks with the girls and you will like, because it's fun to tell that story again, that, that, that, that, that

guilty of that. That gets you emotionally stuck. Yeah. We're the main characters in our own life. We are like to rewatch good movies, right?

And our favorite movie is our own life, you know, and so we like to, it's still, you're still entertained by it. And there's a thing you enjoy talking about the most. Yeah. It's rewatching your favorite movie, even though that favorite movie has a scene in it that

really makes you sad, but you watch it every time and every time you watch it, you cry. And you know, you're going to cry. You know, you're going to feel sad, but you still rewatched every time because it's the drama of it all. And it's, and, and in that movie, you know that in the third act, they'll get better.

It's just a very dangerous game. We play with our own lives when we commiserate and remenade with our, our friends or with ourselves when we're alone at home, taking a bath or whatever. It's a dangerous game if we want to make progress emotionally and, and move on. Yeah. That's not a good sense.

No, that's like a device I've never been given that device before, like just don't

keep talking about the same thing over and over, especially the situation, ship guy. I feel, yeah, put that to bed. Yeah. Yeah. I need to do that.

Feel like the divorce is a little bit different. There's a lot of layers to that one, but yeah. And it's still going through it and all that. Like, and I got to keep that man in my life. Yeah.

You can't just go away. I can't forget about that one, but exactly. Yeah. But yeah. But now that's good advice.

Help yourself and you can help yourself. Yeah. And at least be mindful that you know when you do give in to that weakness or temptation, don't do the thing that so many of us do where we are like, I just don't know why I feel so bad about.

You know, I'm having a bad day. It's like, well, should you? Because you, you've rewatched the scene 50 times. And unlike the movie that we watched, that's our favorite movie that we can. We cry over the scene.

You don't know how you, your life. You don't, you haven't seen the end of your movie. Yeah. So you're stuck replaying the sad scene. Um, waiting for an answer, waiting for that other accent to move forward.

So just be careful about playing that dangerous game. No, yeah. No, I will. Yeah. I like that advice.

Okay. This is helpful. It really was. I want to say I appreciate it so much. All right.

Enjoy your friends. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your family. And enjoy the journey of dating. Enjoy your twins and congratulations.

Thank you. We're excited. We're a little, uh, we're not scared. But it's kind of like a fun thing to do. My nephews are twins.

My brother's been there. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They're going to be 17 soon. Okay. Yeah. I'm jealous. I'd love to have twins.

I think that's amazing. Yeah. It'll be great. I think, uh, yeah. We have a lot going on this year.

“And I think it's a, for challenge for all busy parents and working parents who.”

Absolutely. I've ever taken you to two. So let's figure that out. But I appreciate you saying. No.

Yeah. You're welcome. You've got some good things coming. All right. All right.

I appreciate you. All right. Take care. Appreciate you. Okay.

You too. Bye. Getting protein goals every day is no joke and finding something that actually makes it easy and delicious. It's even harder. The only one that's helped stay consistent with protein without feeling like a chore.

Our next sponsor, veracity and their power protein. This podcast is sponsored by veracity. Welcome to an all natural way to get the protein you need. Veracity is revolutionizing health by tackling the root cause of so many issues metabolism. With veracity's drug free clinically proven and doctor formulated solution, your body can use protein more effectively.

So you aren't just drinking calories. You're building a stronger metabolic foundation. If your goal is more protein in your diet or just a better way to satisfy your cravings.

“You need to try the veracity's doctor developed metabolic power protein.”

Metabolic power protein is your daily sidekick for a healthy metabolism. Sustainable energy and appetite control. Every two scripts provides 20 grams of plant-based protein to fuel your metabolism without unnecessary sugar toxins and calories.

Plus, their protein is third party tested for toxins and heavy metals.

So you get the fuel you need without the baggage. You don't. Don't you love it when something is scientifically legit but doesn't come with a warning label that makes you panic. Just two scoops every morning. Sticking with veracity's metabolic power protein couldn't be easier.

So get the protein you need and satisfy your cravings the natural way with veracity. Head to veracityhealth.co and use code VIOL for up to 6% of your order.

And make sure to use my promo code VIOL. So they know we sent you. Oh, well, we've talked about carry away a lot. And we'll keep talking about them forever because we are absolutely obsessed. Well, me personally, I'm absolutely obsessed because they're very easy to clean.

I don't like, and I don't like cleaning. And if she washed dishes, she would be easier for her to do.

But they are amazing pots and pans.

And most importantly, what we do both love about carry away is they are safe for our family. So many pots and pans out there are not shockingly and sadly safe for you and your family to cook on.

“Did you know that consumers unknowingly consume over 150,000 microplastic particles every year?”

And over 70% of cooking and baking pans solar America are coated with PTFEs. And they don't just have pots and pans. They also have an amazing lineup of butcher blocks. They have great food containers. Places to store your food, leftovers.

With glass, lids, everything comes with its own way to be organized. It's very, it's very vergo-coded. Honestly, the creative carry away must be a vergo, I believe in it. Carry away is in over 2 million homes. And over 150,000 people have rated five stars about their carry away kitchen.

Now it's time to try it for yourself.

This cookware set is a favorite for reason.

It can save you up to $230 versus buying the items individually. Plus, if you visit carawayhome.com/vf10, you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. This deals exclusive for our listeners. So visit carawayhome.com/vf10, or use code vf10@checkoutcaraway. Non-toxic kitchenware made modern.

Whether you're renting or paying a mortgage, one of the biggest monthly expenses should be working harder for you. That's where built comes in. Built is the membership for where you live. That rewards you with points on every housing payment wherever you live. Built started out rewarding members for their rent.

Now, as of 2026, built members can also earn points on mortgage payments. Wherever they live. Every housing payment earns you points. So you can use towards flights with top travel partners. Like United and Hyatt Lift Rides Amazon.com purchases and so much more.

Personally, we use our built points for all those Amazon purchases we make all the time.

“But here is what I think is the most underrated part of built.”

Built members are also getting access to a neighborhood concierge. You can make restaurant reservations. Book fitness classes and find new local spots all while being rewarded at more than 45,000 merchant partners. It's simple being a renter and now owning a home is better with built. Join the membership for where you live at joinbuilt.com/v.

Make sure to use our URL so they know we set you. How's it going? Doing great. How about you? Good.

What's your name? My name is Nicole. I'm 30 years old. Am I wrong for dating someone that my express friend went out on two dates with three years ago, even though she's about to get married?

Does she know about it? And let me just kind of preface by saying that she had when we had a falling out, which was last year, this was our falling out happened before I started dating him. But I had met her at the same time that she had first hung out with him, because we all went out for drinks.

And this was like three years ago. And then they went out on two dates and then he moved about a month into them hanging out.

And so she never, like he always set the purpose that that like he wasn't interested in dating at that time.

Okay. So is this someone you're currently friends with? No. Not anymore. Not since October.

So her and I hadn't spoken for about like three months after we had a falling out in October. And then she had reached out to me in January. Because he came down to visit me because he doesn't live here. We do long distance. But he came down to visit me for my birthday weekend.

And one of our mutual friends had posted a picture with him in it. So she had saw that in screenshot it and sent it to me.

“And she was like, are you really, are you dating so and so?”

I said yes. And I told her like, I mean, it was very random how it all happened. You know, when I met him three years ago, I hadn't spoken to him until December, which is when he had reached out to me. Because he had saw that I was in Chicago, which is where he lives.

And I was there for a friend's birthday. And he saw like my stories. And so he reached out and like wanted to see if I wanted to meet up and grab a drink. And that's pretty much how it all started from there. So it wasn't like a planned thing where I went out and went out after him.

Just not a curiosity. Why do you care? I would say I care because I mean, this friend I was friends with for. I mean, close to 15 years. Okay.

The falling out was kind of like I was honestly kind of surprised by the whole reaction of the falling out that we had.

So I think that that was a little bit hurtful.

“But I think just in the way when she had reached out to me about this guy.”

After I said that I was, you know, I was dating him and that I didn't really see that it would be an issue. Considering her and I had a spoken in like three months and we're no longer friends. And you know, they only went out on two dates. And she I just she really came after like my character. So I think I guess I just want like an outsider's perspective as to if she's kind of justified.

And the way that she was feeling about the situation. Okay. Why did you guys have a falling out? So just to recap, this is a friend, this girlfriend of yours. You've been friend of the for 15 years.

Half your half me, percent high school. Yeah. Okay.

So close friend lifelong friend and up until very recently.

Yeah. You guys were friends and then an October what's less than half a year ago. Give her take. Yeah.

“You guys had a falling out where you're no longer friends.”

Yeah. Okay. What happened? She got engaged to an August. And she had planned a Bridesmaid Center in October to ask all of the girls that we're going to be in her wedding.

You know, to be her Bridesmaid and ask them in person. So I had flu because I no longer live in that state anymore. So I had flu back for that. And prior to that Bridesmaid Center after she had gotten engaged. She had mentioned about like she wanted me to be her maid of honor.

Well, we hadn't spoken about that. I didn't feel like it was necessary to recon for my title after she said that. And so went to the Bridesmaid Center. I was also going through like a pretty, you know, kind of brutal breakup. But I still wanted to show up for her.

And I was with her that whole day of the Bridesmaid Center helping her set it up and like run errands. And then fast forward to the dinner. We all open up our like Bridesmaid's boxes that she gave us. And the girl across me had a card that's inmate of honor. And it just kind of threw me off because I like when I opened up my card.

My mind said Bridesmaid. And so it just was it just caught me off guard considering like we had been together all day. And I thought that if, you know, I didn't care that like the titles. Like I wasn't about titles. It was just more so that my friend didn't bring that up to me before the dinner.

So so it she didn't ask you to be a brought you assumed that you were a maid of honor. Or you thought she she asked. She didn't met she had said it to me after she had gotten engaged. Like we had like that weekend after she had gotten engaged. She like told me that she wanted me to be her maid of honor and her cousin to be a maid of honor.

And so I just had like gone into it. You know assuming that after she had told me that we hadn't had a conversation about it. Since, you know, she got proposed to an august. So I went into the Bridesmaid dinner thinking that I was going to be like a maid of honor. And like I said, I don't care as more so that like I felt blind set in the moment.

So what happened? You know, I got up from the table. But this was like after 10 minutes. Like I tried to like, you know, not make it a big deal or anything. So I walked into like another room.

One of her other friends came in there and had asked if I was okay. And I just said I felt like her blind set in the moment. And then I had a conversation with my friend like completely away from everyone else. And she started getting like super defensive. And she was just like, I don't know why you're trying to make this day about you.

And she's like, you know, I, I don't know.

She basically just said that like she was only going to have her cousin.

And it's like a matron of honor and that things had changed. And the girl that actually got them made of honor card shouldn't have gotten it. I guess she said it was like an accident. It was just a weird thing. And I just told her like, you know, I felt her in blind set in.

And then I felt kind of just uncomfortable being there.

“And so she's just like, well, if you want to leave, you can leave.”

And then we went downstairs. And then she announced the whole table that she was like, so Nicole wants to leave. Because she doesn't understand the difference between titles. And yeah, just, you know, brought that up to me. She called you out.

She called you out. And then, yes, yeah. And like, I, I was just really, honestly shocked by her reaction. And the next day when she had reached out, like, I'd apologize because I understand that. Like, the timing wasn't the best to maybe confront that situation.

But I don't think my like behavior in the way that I reacted was like extreme. Like I did not make it, you know, a public thing in front of everyone else.

Well, what you're telling me.

“And again, there's always two sides every story.”

Yeah. And this happened a while back. But yes, from what you're telling me, it sounds fairly reasonable. This wasn't the actual wedding. So there's that.

Yeah. Yeah. Certainly, this is her engagement and blah, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, you know, she told you one thing as your friend. She ended up changing her mind.

She's, and she's allowed to do that. But she did it in a way that caught you off guard because she didn't communicate it to you. Yeah. And while it is her day, this dinner, you are allowed to be caught off guard. And you are allowed to have hurt feelings.

Now, it sounds like looking back. Did you handle it perfectly? Maybe not. I don't know. But it doesn't sound like from what you describe that it was outrageous.

What is outrageous is that she called you out the way she did in front of your friends. For you stepping aside and saying, hey, I'm a little hurt. I just, I guess, thought I was going to be a made of honor. Yeah. You know, yeah, I'm disappointed.

Maybe I am making this about me, but I, you know, I've nothing else. My friendship means a lot to you and I was honored. So, yeah, sorry about the timing, but yeah, my feelings are hurt. Yeah. And then, you know, then you guys got into the weeds of, you know, your hurt.

You wanted some support from her or some just empathy or whatever it was. You got the opposite. You got, like, take it or leave it in by the way. You can go. You didn't get what you wanted.

She didn't get what she wanted. And she chose to like triple dot and call you out, which, you know, it sounded crazy. If that's how it went down. Yeah, it was.

“And like, and I will say the only thing that I do kind of regret saying is when I was leaving”

one of the girls came up to me and was like, you know, just kind of like consoling me. She like felt bad after my friend had just kind of like announced that to the table. And I was like, you know, I just want to go to a place that has better vibes. So that wasn't probably the appropriate thing that to say, but like, I mean, yeah. I don't know.

I feel like again, you're when I was communicating my feelings to my friend.

I never had once said, like, name called her or was like rude or mean to her.

I just kept it like explaining that I felt hurt and blind set in that. And I was she would have had a conversation with me beforehand. And just I'm in and she felt that I guess they was just completely out of line to bring it up on her day, which the whole purpose of the dinner was she even announced at the dinner before the dinner started. That this is for the her bridesmaids.

That that's the reason she's having this to like ask them officially in person. So I'm like, I get it. But I mean, I was just shocked like by her reaction. Yeah, considering how long we've been friends and like she like really knows my character, even though like I had moved seven years ago.

Like we still remain really close to her. Can I ask you a question? When you, you know, you've been friends with this person for 15 years. The story you're telling me sounds a little crazy. Yeah.

And my question to you is, is this behavior about this one night? Is that out of pocket for her? Is it like, is she did she turn into a bridesilla? Or when you were black back on your friendship with her? Did she usually expect more than she was willing to give?

Yeah. I would say that that's the case. I do think that she sometimes would expect more than she's willing to give. And she tends to look at things a lot from her perspective. And I would say she's definitely more of a reactional person.

So I can't say I'm surprised by it.

But I think I was surprised by it because her and I have never really had, you know,

like a confrontation like that because I think my personality is kind of like opposite to that. So I've always, I've seen her have tips with other friends. But like my personality is never really clashed with hers until that moment. Yeah.

“Well, I think that's kind of important for you to consider.”

Yeah. So, and then just to put a bow in the story, you guys just stop being friends after that situation? Yeah, she had reached out the next day. Basically sent me like novels of like, you know, that she was upset that I tried to make the day about me and that she wishes I would have like brought that up on a different day,

which I did take accountability for and apologize. But yeah, we never really spoke after that after that exchange that that very next day. I mean, yeah, I would, I'm glad you took accountability. And yes, you could have, yeah. You certainly could have waited till another time to express your frustration.

But all you did was step aside.

And then she, she made her day about you by announcing it to the table.

“Yeah, which I was like mortified about because like I didn't, it wasn't something that I wanted everyone to know.”

I wanted it just to have a conversation with my friend. And essentially, just feel like, hey, I, I hate that you're feeling this way. Like, I do want to talk to you about this, but maybe let's talk about it tomorrow. You know, would have been totally fine. But like the, she was just being very defensive and then just saying like,

you know, this day, like, I don't know why you're trying to make this day about you. So, but yeah, fast forward, you know, then I start dating this guy. And so then she, she comes at me pretty strong after I said, yes, I, like, I am dating him. And she's like, there's all these people in the world and out of like everyone you choose to date someone that I have hooked up with. And she's like, that's just desperate to me.

Like, first of all, I had never even reached out to him.

Like, he reached out to me and we have not spoken since the day that I met him with you. Like, it wasn't a plan thing. I think the thing that I will, and then I then did say to her, you know, I'm not sure why this concerns you so much when you're about to get married this year.

“I was like, I don't feel like you should be upset about somebody that you went on two dates with three years ago.”

I'm sure her response was something like, I'm not upset about him. I'm upset about you. Yes, yeah, I guess she was like, you know, like, if I, if the roles were a verse, I would have like, but I was like, we weren't friendly. We haven't spoken. I feel like I've extremely respectful of my friends in that aspect. And if her and I were on speaking terms and friends, I would have messaged her and said that he had reached out to me because that's the sort of friendship that we had.

And just again, just to clarify, after she sent you the long ass text the night day after those whole shit showed dinner, how did you come to the decision that you guys were not on speaking terms? Like, was that, like, Did you guys agree to that? You told the conversation, yeah, it was like, she's a friend that I feel like has a lot of opinions on things and she did not, like, the last guy that I dated. And rightfully so, like, I mean, you know, he definitely didn't treat me well, but it wasn't like I ever involved her or brought him around.

And, you know, she just, she had feelings she always just kind of had an opinion.

And so that week, when I was visiting for the Bridesmaid Center, because that's where my ex at the time lived, I had saw him. And she felt some type of way about that. So kind of leading before the Bridesmaid Center, she already kind of was like, not in a weird spot with me, but I think she, like, that there was already kind of a little bit leading up to that where she maybe felt some type of way about me and so then. And then to be clear, because you saw your ex or boyfriend or whatever, and she didn't approve this relationship.

Yeah, I hadn't seen him. We, him and I broke up in September because we were doing long distance. I hadn't seen him until I went up there with the Bridesmaid Center and October. But the first person ever hard time getting over a toxic relationship and you're not the first person. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, like we, we've all been there. We all have friends who have been there. Certainly when we see our friends make bad decisions, we want to challenge them and encourage them to not make those decisions, but when they do make those decisions, it's weird for them to make as your friend would put it, make it about her.

Like, why would this affect her? Like, she shouldn't feel a certain way about you. I mean, maybe sadness, maybe some disappointment.

“Maybe it requires some words of encouragement or some questions toward in your direction, but like you're describing that she was personally affected by your decision to see your ex or at least that's how she was out.”

She was a very controlling person, like, and even so much so like, this is how crazy to say, but like, I remember one time her fiance ordered a milkshake and she got mad at him for ordering a large. Like, just weird stuff. Like, she's very, like, she's, she's just very controlling and so like, I mean, I think I think I knew that our friendship. I had felt that as like, we've gotten older that she maybe doesn't kind of align with maybe some of the same outlooks that I have in life and kind of approaching things and like kind of trading people.

So I did feel like a little bit of a distance with her in that aspect, but I mean, we had been friends for so long and like, I think I tried to give her grace. So I think that that's why, like, in that moment, the way that she reacted at the Broadsmith Center, I was just caught off guard by it because I'm definitely one to understand if like if someone has kind of a pattern of behavior, I do understand that you have to like distance yourself, you know, if they're not learning from that, but like that was.

Yeah, I mean, I wanted to get, like, your perspective is like, I guess just like I'm failing just like an outside perspective because even my friends that know both of us have kind of validated kind of the way that I feel about it, but I think it's always good to get like an outsideers perspective. But your, your, your mutual friends don't think you're crazy. Okay. Well, that's a good, I mean, it doesn't matter. I mean, it is important what they feel when you want to get it outside. But they, they know both of you, they know the situation.

I'm not, I'm not not believing your version of the story, but I am only hearing your version of the story.

Yeah, no, I can.

“But listen, like, she sounds like a really selfish person. And, you know, in the fact that your friendship started in high school and is, you know, a lot of those friendships are based off of like history, right?”

And to your point, like, sometimes we don't evaluate friendships in real time about how friends show up for us and things like that, like our friends, sometimes almost like family. Yeah. Like those lifelong friends get grandfathered in. It's just like, you're my family because you're my family, not because we have a bond or like a lot in common or we get along. I just like, you're my family, you know, and sometimes that's how like long term friends are, right? Is you reflect back, as you said, this is someone who, when you think about it, has had a lot of falling out with other friends, maybe not you, because as you've said, you've never really been in conflict with her.

And maybe that's partly because, like, you're a more passive personality and not that confrontational where she is. Yeah.

And so consciously subconsciously, you have just, like, you've avoided confrontation with her. So despite her personality in yours, it's never stopped you guys from being friends and friendly.

And the fact that you did move away from her probably actually extended your friendship in a way because it like stopped you from having some of these interactions on a personal level and adult life that might reveal that you guys really honestly don't have a lot in common or that you're in kind of in conflict with your personalities.

“Your values don't align when it comes to like what you expect the friendships it probably was this again, like allows you guys to really lean into the history of the friendship rather than the friendship itself, right?”

So then she gets engaged, right? She gets engaged. Yeah, exactly. She throws this out there and meant a lot to you. She called an audible. She changed her mind and because it's, you know, the selfish person, right? Who is now engaged?

It's like, that's what the Bradzilla comes from, you know, like, I don't think everyone turns in a Bradzilla.

I think people who like, are you really used to getting their way in a demanding of other people and are used to demanding of their friends? Now, if they feel like they have this like, hall pass to really be obnoxious and to really be a bitch to people because it's like, this is literally about me. It's my wedding, you know, and so she's like hopped up on on power of of this and she does this crazy thing calling you out that way is such a cruel, mean girl thing.

“It was so cruel and all you did was you had hurt feelings. You're allowed to have them and did like, did you handle the best way?”

Honestly, I don't maybe, honestly, I don't think stepping aside and having a moment and expressing your sad. She's the one who came up to you and said, "What's wrong? She made her day about you." I did, I did say I wanted to talk to her. Okay. Okay. Her friend, one of the friends, like, did pull me or when I went up and like went in the other room to like get food. She came up to me after.

Okay, so maybe maybe you couldn't have done that. All right, so fine, you know, that's your big sin. Yeah, but I didn't want to make it a thing of the table. But I do get that like pulling her aside because she is kind of like the, you know, the main person of focus that night, like I do think that people are going to notice. Sure, sure. She's gone for a little bit.

I'm glad you're willing to consider the role you played in this, but don't you think it's a really, don't you think it almost as we talk about it out loud? It doesn't sound a little ridiculous that you're kind of mentally jumping through so many hoops of like, "Well, I could have done this." Like, I mean, it wasn't like, again, this wasn't even her goddamn wedding. If this wasn't like her bachelor at party, this was a dinner to, it was like a dinner for a dinner for like a wedding. It was like, again, it's who gives a fuck. She did, but like whatever is this not, it's not that big of a deal.

Yeah, and I think I've tended, like you said, I have been a little bit more passive of a friend with her because I just think she just has such like an intense personality. Clearly. But I feel like I somehow am able to handle those types of people well. I don't really get like two face by it. I think I just try to kind of like, I don't know, not to the distance, but I just don't get myself involved in some of that. But I definitely, I definitely think that, yeah, it was just, it was a really weird situation just how she's, how she acted and then even what she said afterwards like the next day.

And like, we had some mutual friends that were there at the Gridesmaid Center too, and they know that I'm not somebody that ever like city the center of attention.

“Well, listen, the most selfish people in the world are the ones who are guilty of accusing other people being selfish, right?”

Like, they're the ones who say things like the audacity of other people, the audacity of you to not make make her the center of attention. She is someone who likes to be the center of attention so much so that she was willing to call you out at dinner to be the literal sense for center of attention. Can I have anyone to attention? My friend here. She sucks. This friend, you got to date with this guy, you have a falling out with this friend, as you know, and if you like, you kind of clearly have played it out in your head.

Whatever, he reached out to you and like, yeah, if there was a world where you guys were still close, you probably would have reached out to her and said, hey, you know, mark. I just got to this random DM from Mark and, I don't know, I'm single. He's like, would you care if I said yes? And again, a lot of, you know, when it comes to have friends.

“Being cool with that kind of 50/50, some people are like, I don't know, I don't care.”

It's funny too, because like basically how she met him was three or so years ago. She was at her cousin's wedding and her cousin's sister-in-law had brought him as a date to the wedding.

And so he works in health care, I'll just, I'll say that. And so she had, she had asked his opinion on something that she had a concern about. And so she'd asked for his number while after she stole him. She was dating someone at the time, you know, who she brought to the wedding. Well, about a few months later, she had asked, you know, my now boyfriend. You know, I'd free shot him. Just like, like, hey, help you Ben. And then that's when, you know, the first time that they had hung out was when we all, like, went out for drinks.

So essentially, like, not even her relationship, but like things started off with them because she, like, her cousin's sister-in-law, who she's also like friends with, brought this guy, like, brought my boyfriend to the wedding as a date. So, I mean, listen, I guess, in the reason why I asked for all this backstory on this friend, because it seems like that's really the heart of, of why you're having a hard time with this, and she called you out. And she said some hurtful things about your character and your right. There's this kind of like, you know, friend, your code, girl code, whatever, but like, there's a lot of gray area here and you're struggling with it because again, like, you're probably still even having processed the loss of this long-term friendship.

Maybe it's well overdue, and it doesn't sound like she's a type of friend, you would really should mourn all that much.

But like, it's still gonna affect you, and it was like something you really didn't get closer from. Yeah. It was abrupt. And then this kind of coincidence happened that some guy, she casually dated a long time ago for a brief period of time, showed up in your life. And she used that as a way to, like, honestly, reach out to you again, honestly.

I mean, someone like her is probably pissed that you haven't, like, begged for forgiveness and begged to be a part of her life. And the fact that you kind of like, okay, well, I guess we're not as close as I thought, and you kind of distance yourself was not something she wanted or expected. Yeah. And that was the way that you're standing up for yourself.

“Finding out that you started dating this guy was a way back in, honestly, to keep, you know, and then instead of this directly facing the real drama between the two of you, which is the friendship, she used this situation, right?”

And yeah, it's not gonna come from a place of objectivity, and she's certainly not gonna, like, look at her, look in the mirror and ask, like, herself, what the parallels between how she met that guy and how you met that guy and whether she's even in a place to give a shit. She's conveniently telling herself that, like, you're kind of front, I mean, she called you as a friend. You know, you haven't spoken with the person in months, you had a falling out with you, but she called you up acting like, you guys were like, had a sleepover two nights ago.

And during that sleepover, you completely lied to her about some guy that you're dating that she used to date, like, that's the energy she's bringing. And it hurts because I almost wanted to say to her, like, what do you expect me to do? Like, reach out to you when I start dating him even though we weren't on speaking terms. Like, you know, that's just not gonna happen. It wasn't, like, she also, so the month before she had reached out to me about him when she saw the picture that my mutual friend posted of us, like, I had wished her a happy birthday.

And I'm just like, not everything is about, not everything is about you. Like, I didn't say that to her. Like, I kept it honestly very, because I just feel like I don't want to engage in crazy behavior. Like, I just feel like there's some people that are, she's always has to kind of have, like, the final word or the final thing to say. And so I, I just, I, I really don't like, like, engaging with people when people act like that.

Because I just know it's not gonna, like, the conversation's not gonna really go anywhere. And, and so she did, you know, kind of have her last word and like she said, you know,

you know, some pretty, like, mean things like saying that him and I can just live in whatever delusion. And that, like, I mean, it just was like, you know, I mean, that sounds, that sounds a little delusion on her part to be speaking with such passion about a guy when she's engaged, which is funny, since that was how you, why you guys had a falling out, let's sit in her own her engagement. But listen, my guess is from your standpoint, just to guess that you're, you're having a hard time processing this because there's a part of you that realizes sounds like you're happy so far, early in this relationship with this guy, and that's great.

And there's a part of you that's, you know that she knows, and now that you know that she's upset about it, there's a part of you that's probably worried that this is really going to solidify the end of this friendship.

“Yeah, yeah, I think so, and I think it just more so like the character attacking because like she basically, yeah, but like that's not that can't, but after talking this through with you.”

Yeah, you know what your intentions or when this all happened when he reached out, however he reached out.

You know whether you did something shady or not or or this was more of a serendipitous situation where like there were some kind of weirdness to it because of the history. But like, you didn't do anything wrong. Like that's pretty black and white, and you know that answer. And then you also know this person who reached out and attacked your character is someone who like has a history of playing dirty and being mean when she doesn't get her way. Yeah, and so you just have to like process that that way. Again, you're upset about being upset.

You lost a friend that said, yeah, but you're giving her too much power to actually listen to some of her criticism. When deep down you know her criticism is a little delusional and a little out of pocket and coming not coming from a place of objectivity, but anger and resentment and frustration and her part and you know you're not doing anything wrong. You know you would have moved a little bit differently had you been friends, but again like I don't know like I don't know how this relationship's going sound like pretty well so far like how long you've been dating them.

You see a lot of potential here. Yeah, we've been dating since like beginning of December. So yeah, it's been a few months now. It is long distance. But if it ends to if you if you get a call from some random girl being like he's cheating on you with me and you have a very devastating breakup. Yeah.

That wouldn't change how you feel about this friend correct?

“No, it wouldn't. I mean the only thing I will say she did try to say to when she's reached out about seeing the picture is that she's basically just saying like you know.”

I would just be careful if I were you like he loved me and like. So it sounds like he also he sounds like he ended that fling.

He knew he was never going to date her and he even said that he was relocating for a job.

Whatever. I'm just saying it sounds like if she had it her way she would have kept hanging out with him and he stopped calling. Yes, yeah. Yeah, so I mean there's this the there's so many love bombing. I mean like yeah people misuse that word somewhat.

“Yeah, I don't know, maybe maybe he got excited for a brief period of time.”

But to your point, it sounds like he was like, hey, like I'm not looking for a girlfriend anytime soon. But I really like you, you know, who knows. But listen, I it doesn't sound like you're doing the wrong. He has given you every reason to accept that this friendship isn't it doesn't have a long term future. Yeah.

And I wouldn't expect her to make some meaningful changes. And this was a friend that like it served its purpose as many friendships do early early in life. And why were friends with people when we're 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 and early in life are it's very different than why were friends with people in adult life.

For someone who claims that they don't want to have other people's drama on their in their moments, she didn't try to diffuse the situation.

She made it more dramatic and then she, you know, the next day she's made more accusations for what like because you you were sad that you wanted to talk at dinner.

“Were you hysterical like were you screaming were you crying?”

No. No.

I think maybe when I was talking to her like I'd tear it up a bit but it wasn't in like a way that was like oh my god.

So you were clearly sad and maybe a little upset. Yeah, I just kept saying I just feel hurt like I just feel blindsided and I was like it just is.

“In a reasonable person could have been like listen Nicole I'm honestly really sad.”

You know can we talk about this later? I don't mean to discount your feelings but I do want to enjoy this dinner. Your friendship means a lot to me and I do want to handle it but I don't want to. I don't want to disrupt this whole dinner but you have a right to be confused. I'm sorry we can talk about it later and she could have just been direct with you that she like still wanted to enjoy this dinner and like she needs to be a total mean girl about it. She chose to like get in an argument with you tell you can leave call you out at dinner and then just you know the next day just come at you and an aggressive way without ever just thinking you know of course why wouldn't someone who like I told one thing and did another might be a little upset and thank god they're upset because like she also if you didn't care she'd probably be like why don't you know why do you not care.

I know I mean exactly and and I think just yeah the way that it went in and the fact that she said that it was like. That was unmiss understanding back girl wasn't supposed to get that made of honor card there was only supposed to be a major of honor which is her cousin. And I was like all that I like I could care less whether I'm a bridesmaid or made of honor it was more so I just felt blindsided in the moment. Well yeah that's like did you change your mind and I do something wrong did I you know. Yeah like she kept going back to like me feeling that I was so upset that like I no longer.

And being considered as a man of honor which like I don't care it's it's her running and who she decides to have and it is like. Yeah I would have I would have been maybe a little bit blindsided if I wasn't even a bridesmaid in her wedding considering like the level friendship that we had yes.

“But like for me to honor like I just didn't expect any title and I and I think that's what was hard is because I feel like I kind of like I've gave her grace and accepted her through kind of pretty like crazy times in her life of where she's kind of.”

Where she's kind of like acted really out of pocket and I've I kind of stood up for her to other friends because some people have like question like like what are you still doing in front of her so. I think that in itself to I think I definitely have my answer there I think it just is you know a bummer whenever a friendship like that happens but yeah wanted to just get your perspective. I wasn't too you know your podcast and I appreciate the advice that you give and just wanted to kind of like an outsider's opinion to see if it truly if I truly was like crossing a line but dating this guy.

Or whether this is just kind of a personality thing when it comes to her. I think it's definitely the latter and I think she has a little bit bruised ego I think there's it's all kind of convoluted for her like why she really reached out or what her intentions are but. She clearly prioritizes her feelings above anyone else's and it sounds like as we reflect back on on your friendship with her and what you know about her that is not new information.

That is the first time you've really been impacted by her self-centeredness and now you know what it feels like to like that other people have experienced so.

The fact that you are willing to even ask the question you know could I be doing something differently that I do something wrong like I think demonstrates that you. You know I'm sure you've been selfish before but you have the ability to like consider other people's feelings and like you you do prioritize your friendships. To the point where you make considerations at this point you need to accept that you're not doing wrong because you've got to the point where even your friends have been like girl you're like you're cool and you're like I have but like are you sure because like she can't pinch and she says I'm like my.

Now you're asking me and I'm giving you the green light so I think you just need to be comfortable with knowing that like you didn't do anything wrong and.

Stop being friends but like that was crazy honestly that was crazy that night like I'm sorry I was a little a call off garden hurt but like your your response to my being a little hurt just because it happened at your dinner was me it was mean.

“And and our follow-up was was mean and like you just you made it all about you you know I mean is are you so important that like no one's allowed to have hurt feelings just because.”

You got engaged like what is that give yourself permission to move forward and say goodbye to this friendship and not let her and her kind of boldly behavior getting your head and make you question your character and your integrity you know.

You know deep down whether you did something right or wrong and it doesn't sound like you did.

Why appreciate it thank you so much for the call congratulations on this new and exciting relationship hopefully it works out and let her go live her life. Well thank you so much. Nice meeting you as well. Take care. Bye bye.

My nark is the all-in-one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier it brings your entire financial life budgeting account and investments. Network in future planning together in one dashboard on your phone or laptop feel aware and in control of your finances this year and get 50% off your minor subscription. With code VIA LL. Monarch keeps you focused on planning and hitting financial milestones not just tracking your spending. Monarch gives you a complete picture budget's debt payoff timelines savings goals network so you can make decisions that actually move the needle unlike most other personal finance apps.

Monarch is built to make you proactive not just reactive. They have AI tools built on monarch intelligence AI assistant AI insights in AI weekly recap achieve your financial goals for good with monarch the all-in-one tool that makes money management simple use code VIA LL at monarch dot com for half off your first year. That's 50% off monarch dot com code VIA LL. All right. Well, if you didn't know I used to work in the OR as a certified surgical technologist so I've clocked literally hundreds of hours in scrobs and once I discovered figs I basically refuse to wear anything else.

I have to say it makes waking up at 5 a.m. Very easy it makes the 12 hour long shifts so much easier because you are so comfortable and they have so many different styles if you are a jogger kind of girl or a flare kind of girl. Maybe you're tall, maybe you're petite, maybe you like two pockets on your waist or one pocket up on your chest, whatever it is that you like figs has it. They have so many colors to choose from.

“So whether you are in a hospital and you have a certain color that you have to wear or you work somewhere where you can just switch up your colors every day.”

Figs has the options for you and they are releasing new colors all the time. They also have out of where accessories lounge wear and even teamed up with new balance on sneakers for long days on your feet. That's like every day, right? So if you're listening and in health care or you know someone who is it's the perfect time to upgrade your scrubs to figs.

Use code figs rx for 15% off your first order at where figs dot com that's where figs dot com code figs rx you are going to love these.

How's it going? Hi my name is Rose I'm 28 and my boyfriend of two years refused to do long distance because I'm moving to Miami for a job. So I'm wondering if it's the right choice to lose the one or who I think is the one I don't know. Okay. Well congratulations on the new job. Thank you.

How excited are you about the job?

“So that's the hardest part about it because I am really excited and I think going into choosing.”

Is it okay if I just jump into?

Um, okay. So basically because so the basically kind of the way things happen is I'm so I just graduated from law school. You know, I I'm going to be a prosecutor.

I've been so this is like my dream job and when I was kind of coming down to choosing different jobs for the next coming year. I did get I got both a job offer in our hometown and in Miami and when I was weighing the pros and cons of both. I mean, they're pretty similar jobs overall except for the fact that the Miami office is better. It would allow me more opportunities down the line. And also to another thing about it at the end of the day is, you know, I've been in my hometown for a while at this point.

So there is kind of a part of me that wants to go somewhere different temporarily just for a little bit to get that experience to you. And I mean, Miami like, you know, why not the beaches? I love you know, so that's and so, but the only downside with it was so because I when I was kind of choosing between the two offers. I, you know, I talked to my family, my friends and everyone was on board with it except for my boyfriend, but the thing is it wasn't that he wasn't on board with it because basically when I was considering both offers.

I saw at the time because I'm fortunately broke up, but it's a future with him. And so I wanted to make sure like he was on board with it and he was he basically said to me he was like, you know, I don't want to move to Miami, but this is important for you. I will support you in this. We will do we can do long distance. So based on that, I took the offer and also to another thing that I was clear with how about two was kind of saying that it was only it's only going to be temporary for a couple years at most.

“And then I do plan on coming back to like our hometown where we are. So basically, so having done that, I took the job offer and then a couple months passed by this is like we're getting to like November at this point.”

And he, like, and I kind of in retrospect, I kind of noticed that he was starting to kind of pull away a little bit in little little ways, but I didn't really realize at the time, but anyways, then in November we basically, he comes to me kind of out of the blue and is basically just like, hey, I don't want to do long distance when you're in Miami. So like, I am not even sure if I want to like get married or like, and then I kind of asked him a little bit too. I was like, well, is the long distance really what's causing you to have doubts about this relationship.

“And he also just said, too, he was like, you know, sometimes I feel like I'm a sidekick in our relationship, you have, you know, you're doing all these great thing and he is too like he is a really good job. So that's why it was kind of frustrating.”

For me, in that conversation, because, you know, I, for me, I was like, this, why wasn't this a conversation, why are you immediately jumping to breaking up now? So so basically, so I kind of after that conversation, I kind of, in that conversation, I kind of took it as, well, this is us breaking up right now. So I told him, I basically kind of gave him a little bit of an ultimatum. I basically said to him, I was like, you know, okay, well, if we're breaking up now, we're done. We like, you know, we cannot be friends.

We, we, we, we have to be completely done. And he was basically, he kind of backtracked. He was like, what do you mean we can't be friends? What do you mean we can't still see each other? I don't, he didn't really fully think through what it meant to actually be broken up. So I kind of told him, I was like, we're either fully together. Or we're done. And he chose, he was like, no, I want to stay together. So, so can it just pause for a second? Yeah, when he came to you and was like, hey, just kidding, not sure if I can do long distance and oh, by the way, here are some other things that have been bothering me. How quickly did you jump to, so I guess we're breaking up.

So I kind of, maybe a little quick, we'll get my, my response. I kind of did go on the defensive a little bit because I basically kind of said to him, I was like, well,

I want to be with someone who's 100% committed to me, who knows that they want to marry me, who is willing to make the sacrifice to do long distance because, you know, my future husband who I want to get married to, like, things come up in marriage and you have to be able to kind of compromise, you know, at certain points. So like that was that was kind of how I what I told him and he and I did say to him to talk was like, you know, like, you can think about it, but like that that's kind of where I'm out with it and he was kind of like, well,

okay, but I don't want to break up. I don't think the communication wasn't like 100% like wasn't amazing. I would say looking back on both sides.

“Yeah, I'm both side. Exactly. Because I think for me, I kind of went on the defensive and was like, if we're breaking up, then we're breaking up.”

So it wasn't it wasn't fully at that point in November, even though we were kind of going to break up, we ended up, like, you know, staying together, but kind of in limbo because I think in my mind, I was kind of delusional kind of thinking, like, I just I hope he changes his mind about long distance. I hope he, like, you know, maybe maybe us and it was like right before the holidays.

Okay, thanks for saying that because like, you know, first of all, all you're talking about is some hope and and this is hope you had with a boyfriend of two years.

It's not some guy you met a week ago. He surprised you with some new information, which was inconsistent with what he told you in the past.

And yeah, of course, like it's not it's not not only it's not delusional, it's incredibly normal for you to be like, well, I hope he comes around, you know, like obviously this is big news that I'm presenting to him and you are empathetic to recognizing that it might take him some time to process and and hopeful that like what you guys built over two years was enough for him to like not let you go so easily. So like not in any way delusional. No, thank you for saying that and validating that because I think like the hardest thing for me is just feeling I felt I also felt a lot of guilt at that point too because I was like, well, you know, I am still I'm ultimately the one choosing to leave to take this job in Miami.

What is what does he do? He's in banking. Okay. So it's not like he didn't into the like it. Sometimes like like he does and he doesn't. So that's also another reason why like there are a lot of banks in Miami.

That's well, yeah, that's a good point and it took to your point if he really wanted to he could follow you.

“Yeah, and so because and then so because basically just to kind to give you a little bit more context here because I think.”

So basically like after that was so we didn't break up at that point on living in hope. I'm really hopeful.

It this is like November and December. We we do all the Christmasy things were you know, we're visiting his family. We're seeing my family. You're almost pretending. The conversation didn't happen and you're kind of just like business as usual during the holidays. Yes, but in the back of my mind, I still feel this like.

Oh, so basically what when we ended up how we ended up breaking up was so he went out to dinner with some of his like buddies a couple days before Christmas in one of his good friends just got engaged. And they started dating around the same time that we started dating. So that was kind of like, I mean, everyone has no time line, but I just think because of the situation that was going on with him and I kind of was a little bit of assault in the wound. So when I like we were talking on the phone about that dinner like the next day, because I was talking to him and I was like, oh, okay, like how was dinner, whatever.

And I think to be fair, I did, you know, don't touch the pot if you don't want to get burned, right? Like I basically I asked him, I because I knew I was like, there's they're definitely going to ask about him and I after, you know, because of course, so because basically like I asked him was like, oh, okay. So, you know, that's so great that they got engaged.

“Did anyone kind of say to you, like, hey, what's up next for you and Rose, like what's, you know, what's going on there?”

And at first he kind of like, you know, didn't really give me an answer, but I kind of pressed him on it and he said he was like, yes, they did ask me.

And I told them it's not going to, it's probably not going to work out because she's moving to Miami. In that moment, my first moment, my heart was like broken and secondly, it was kind of like I think we both realize like on that phone call like, oh, this is the stand still here. Like you can't really go back from that, you know, but so we kind of in this all happened on the phone. So I think we ended up phone call kind of being like, okay, well, you know, I guess we're breaking up, but like we can like, I don't know, we'll talk, we'll have a talk later today.

I get home from work later that day and he texted me and was like, I already dropped all your stuff off, I dropped all your keys off. So I was at this point, I'm just like, everything is just happening so quickly. Did you ever ask you not to move? So later that night, when we did, we did finally have like a final in person talk and he said to me, he was like, I don't think it would be fair of me to ask you not to move.

“Which like, is I thought that was nice of him to say, but also like, the thing is for me, I think the the biggest the hardest.”

But he's still never ever asked you.

He never asked me like, not to. He was just like, I appreciate the fairness and I appreciate you seeing the good in that statement. Your career aside and and and all those things, I imagine there's a part of you that wanted him to ask you not to move to at least. Whether he is right or selfish or not not not recognizing your career, but like, I imagine you still wanted to hear that like don't go. Oh, 100% yeah, because I think I think like for me the hardest like the the the guilt that I'm feeling now the hardest thing for me is that if if when we had originally talked about it right me going to me considering the offer.

I don't know if this is the right move for us, you know, at least I would have had all the information I needed to make the decision right and then I could have thought about it and been like wait like, you know, maybe I don't want to take this offer.

“Maybe this isn't the right offer like just for all parts of our our life together, you know, because because I think because he waited and was like, hey actually, you know, I know you already took the offer.”

But, you know, I don't want to do long distance anymore.

And also to the fact that he doesn't even want to try long distance, that's the that's the thing that really messes with me too. It's like it's not like we tried long distance and it's not working. He doesn't even want to try and then another another layer is I'm not even moving until August.

“So there's all this time now until August and we broke up like now that's what I'm kind of wrestling with too after after he dropped his stuff off have you been have you communicated at all.”

Yeah, so basically so the last so I saw him like after he dropped his stuff off and we had one final talk we're both crying we're both he was saying like I'm so sorry like you know like I and then one thing that he said to me too that really messed with me was he said he said he was like, I feel like if we had a longer conversation about you going to Miami we could have avoided all this.

So like why didn't we have that conversation then I'd see it feels like neither of you have really put it all in a table and and at least you I can't speak for him and it sounds.

Oh, I mean the dropping yourself off is hardcore, but have you just said exactly how you feel whatever that is you know I don't want to lose you. Have this conversation have you fought to keep this relationship do you feel like you fought for this relationship without trying to consider his feelings and and fairness and and and am I being selfish or am I asking too much for him like whatever whatever the right answer is you feel like you have put all the cards in the table and made it very clear that I don't know how we're going to figure this out, but why do you know as I don't want to lose you have you made that clear.

I texted so shortly after because originally after we broke out by was I was like I'm going to go into no contact.

I'm going to be really good, but you know I think because of the guilt I was feeling just overall like I was like no contact is not the right choice that at this point in time. So I did I texted and I was like I don't want to lose you I think we're throwing our relationship away there's so much that could even change before I go to Miami I asked him I was like would you ever consider doing couples therapy with me so that we could talk about like you know why you're having these reservations about me going to Miami.

“I also said to him too I was like we could do a checkpoint thing where if I get down there and like okay a couple months six months in it's not working you know it wouldn't be the best thing for my career but I would be open to.”

you considering coming back because that's how much I value this relationship our future together and he didn't want any of it he was like he was like no and and he even said to he was like I I wouldn't want to do long distance for anyone it's just not what I want to do like I don't want to do long distance. You know I think you have your answer now the answer you want but there's something more that he's not telling you and maybe he doesn't have the answer long distance is an ideal no one routes no one's like I want I want I'm a long distance relation I mean maybe some people find the the joys and missing people and things like that but I think he's using is an excuse.

You said something did you try to peel back any more of that comment he made about I feel like I'm your sidekick a little bit I kind of like it's from what he told me about he said the basically he was like you know you have all these things going on we're always busy on the weekends doing stuff like going to you know you're your events your friends stuff like and I just feel like I can't keep up with that so that's kind of the extent that. that that I feel that part back and just basically I mean I'm I'm like a big a big runner so we would do like five kids of my mom on the weekend but it's like though all those things to like everything he said like if he had said to me hey I don't want to do the five k this week and I don't want to go to your friends wedding or whatever like I would I would have been okay with that like it just it just there was no conversation it was just like hey no I don't want to do this anymore.

Why yeah I think that the the honest my guess is the he used you this opportunity that you had is is is is is an excuse to end the relationship for ultimately a relationship that wasn't working for him I don't know why or the reasons.

It's just a plane right away it sounds like you guys both have some means you have some extra cash you can afford some you know travel expenses that aren't ideal but like again there's my amy it's a fun city like there's a lot of ways to make this work that he is refusing to consider I think you should let go that the common he made about well if we had a longer conversation about you moving maybe we could have worked this out. Forget he ever said that he didn't mean it. Okay, you know I think that was something he said to put the blame on you when deep down he knew that he didn't want to keep this relationship going but either didn't know or didn't have the guts to tell you.

“Yeah, no that's that's really helpful to hear even though it's not what I want to hear you know but but I think one other thing can I just add in one other thing that kind of in the aftermath so basically so.”

Since then because I completely agree with what you're saying even though it's not what I want to hear but since then now you know I'm still here in my hometown until August and so since since we did break up. So basically we do for better for worse we still go to the same gym so in the ensuing months I did see him like a month ago at the gym and at that point I was actually starting to feel better really like you know kind of detaching from the situation just in a good. I saw him at the gym and we had a brief encounter where I was just like oh hi like you know and he said hi whatever after that the next day he texted me and was like oh like I saw your car at the gym today.

To balance you there something like that and then he actually asked me to get coffee and we did end up getting coffee you know everything felt like just normal except we're not together and it was kind of like.

Hard for me because you know he was like oh my mom asked about you all the time he brought like a gift a Christmas gift that is his like cousin or sister gotten for me.

“So I guess my last kind of question on is how how do I like what what advice do you have for me going forward because I think I know deep down in the best case scenario I would love for him to.”

Come back and be like wait I made a huge mistake like I don't want to lose this relation to the two years.

So I either want that to happen or I want to just fully move on to what what do you think that was bad that we had coffee like what you know.

I think it's part of the process was it bad no was it helpful in you moving forward no and so I think I said you know give yourself some grace yeah you're I mean you're still healing from this and you still have reasons to have a little bit of hope you know it's normal because.

“I think I'm right about there's something he's not sharing with you or maybe he doesn't have the answer you guys he obviously enjoys you you had a nice couple your relationship.”

There's a good chance he doesn't have the clarity about why he feels the way he does he's not asking you not to move. And the fact that you could find work in your hometown which it's not like he's asking you not to you know he's asking you not to go to Miami. He's not doing that he's just there's just so many ways he could be fighting for this relationship and that he's not doing. That gives you the answer which is to probably move on. Normally it a couple coffee but going forward I would be resistant to like doing that again unless he has something new to say if he were to reach out to you and say can we get together can we talk.

I would say about what and I would and if he's just like well I don't know I just want to talk be like well I mean I would love to talk but I want it to be productive and if it's not about us figuring this out then I don't see the point because right now. You know you're still in town if nothing else from his point of view the relationship was good and obviously there's a reason why isn't it and again if I'm right about him using this opportunity you have is an excuse to end the relationship.

He's still like as I always say when people decide to move on right so forgive me if I don't want to throw your feelings but if he wants out of this relationship there is a part of him that thinks.

There's something better out there for him doesn't mean he wants to find someone better than you but.

It's it's fairly easy to have that feeling.

“It's really hard to follow through with it and execute right because that's something better almost never.”

Shows up right away and even if that something better comes from maybe he met a girl at a gym or something and had a good day or something. You know there's highs and lows and meeting new people and and he could think of he could have a really he could have a two week fling with some girl and it could be really fun and maybe she validates him in ways that he didn't feel validated by you because you know she doesn't maybe run 5k or. Whatever it is and then that dies and then he misses you you know he gets bored you know and he's reminded of like having good times and like the coffee or seeing you at the gym is like it would just be nice to see her but he's still not doing anything about it.

He's still not you know he's still not fighting for the relationships so the him reaching out right now if he doesn't have anything specific to talk about is him.

Selfishly treating his feelings if that makes sense you know it's like I need I have this immediate feeling. I'm feeling insecure maybe feeling lonely I'm missing her companionship and I and I need that right now so I want to reach out. And and she'll make me feel good in this moment and that's why we reach out to exes and that's why we check in and because he is not necessarily second guessing is decision but he is it's up it's coming from a place of the fear of the unknown you know but it's not enough to fight for the relationship it's not enough to.

Ask you to stay reconsider the long distance you're all right now you're in the state of like let's just figure out the fuck out. I want to be with you and yeah I want these other things but like we can have it all it might not you know. Mountain maybe not in the short term but in the long term we can and then in the short term the things that we have to the inconveniences we have to face there could be exciting opportunities that come from it you know who knows what it is but you're open to all that which is the right approach and he's not.

“I think the best thing you can do is just accept that as hard as it is and and know that you've done everything you could to make sure that you weren't leaving something special.”

You know you started this call saying basically saying is it worth pursuing this dream job while giving up the love of my life and that isn't.

In accurate statement right now because it's it's not the love of your life it's not the best relationship you ever you know maybe it's best relationship or had but it's there's some issues with how he's showing up in this relationship. And there's some issues with how he's is willingness to support you in your dreams you know and every relationship and certainly every marriage there are seasons of it's my time to show up for you. Because you've shown up for me and sometimes we can show up at the same time together and we can both have what we want and and there will be other times where I'm you know this relationship requires a little bit more sacrifice for me.

So that my person can fulfill their dreams but I find fulfillment and seeing my person accomplish what they want and things like that and he is he is not being fulfilled by you following your dreams you know like right now. Like I started this you know show before I met Natalie. And then I just kind of brought her in she just kind of fell into it right and I really think Natalie is a star you know I think my my time on TV or doing this show I'm a grinder I you know I can perform it doesn't come naturally to me.

“My success I think is mostly based off of I don't need outside validation for me to show up every day and do what I think is right and I think that allows me to continue to have success.”

I think my wife is a star I think she's a natural I think if she wanted to pursue acting even now certainly early in her life I think she could have been a really talented actor and now that we are hosting this Netflix show together. All I care I like I just I want her to have all the attention I really could give a fuck about whatever recognition I get I just think she is I find so much joy and her. And I'm really curious if she wants to continue to pursue these opportunities what she can make of herself and I get so much personal satisfaction and joy from that you know now partly because I've.

You know so it is easy for me to really root for her because I'm I'm not feeling like I have an accomplished things or that I haven't you know arrived.

I don't know that sounds weird but you get what I'm saying right and he is not he doesn't have that. And you find someone who can find joy and you're success especially because you are someone who clearly isn't like this self centered you know you're not saying hey listen I am I am I am a career woman my job as my number one priority you will always be second fiddle to that you know because there are people who are like that just like you know and I understand especially and and today's age where.

“Women still feel like they have to like you know choose between a career or being a family person and and and there's this expectation for a lot of I think women who.”

You know really you know had these dreams went to college invested in their career invest in their education their secondary education went to school got a job.

So am I going to be asked to give that all up some day you know and there are a lot of women who are very protective of that and so when they meet people they want to set that expectation and boundary that's as like just you know. You know and you're not in you're not even you're not doing that you know and you're giving him every opportunity to feel safe to support you will not feeling like he has to.

Completely lose himself and the fact that he is still feeling this way is with it and even though you're he's receiving your support is is telling.

Which means that he needs something that you can't give him.

“So I think for you to in any way not embrace this new opportunity with.”

I think that you are giving up on something special I would think it would be the wrong mindset for you because it's and I it's not as special as you want to believe it it is or was and and you you receiving this opportunity is. In the way it should and it was probably a really it was a probably meaningful moment in your relationship that really shed a lot of light. On some issues that you're he was having in the relationship is having that he didn't have the ability to get the clarity himself or the guts to him to really get their own and again I think he used this opportunity to scapegoat his own feelings of doubt and insecurity and without.

Facing it and is having an honest conversation with you out of fear that it might hurt your feelings he's put it all on you. And essentially blamed you for the demise of the relationship. Yeah that's no thank you so much for saying that like it does really make me feel a lot better too because even as hard as it is like you saying that it is I mean I think like what you and Natalie have is so beautiful and I want someone who thinks I'm a star I want to be. You know in a relationship where I feel like safe to pursue my dream but also know that I'm going to pursue I'm going to support them to and have that kind of you know that supportive dynamic and and if that's not him.

Then you know as sad as it is because it was like my most meaningful relationship that's okay because now I can go forward to Miami and just be really excited about it and invest in myself and also just focus on the future. Yeah and you've done everything you've cut you've you've made it clear that you didn't want this and the good news is is that whether he wants to realize it now he will realize it someday that. This was his choice and and it wasn't yours you it you accepted his choice with a lot of guts and and you you had the guts to put out what you wanted but you but strong enough in your.

“The least that you weren't going to you weren't going to feel bad or allow him allow what he did to make you second guess your choice and yeah I think.”

He's hard as it is and I'm sure it's sad that the good news is I think you have a lot more clarity about this relationship than you realize and you can again I think pursue this opportunity without any regret.

Because if he wants to change his mind if he wants to fight for this relationship anytime soon my guess is you would be open to it.

So they're still a chance he still have that hope that you know you know again it's not delusion but you're not going to wait around and you're not going to feel sorry for yourself and the choices is you know that there's nothing you've done everything you could so you know bucks you know. All of his court so to speak and if he wants to man up and face his fears and figure his shit out he can and and probably because a good chance you probably will be single for a while only because you have other pressing things going on your focus on your career if.

Some guy shows up in your world that surprises you yeah maybe it'll be open to it but I'm guessing you're not going to you're not giving me the energy that you're going to like jump on the you know you have shit going on. You're a busy person and so honestly he's probably he's he's lucky here in this situation and other people would because you you have so much going on that you're you would be available to consider him coming back you know longer than you know he might have a he might have a longer window or.

“The new otherwise would so again I'm only saying this to make you know you shut you should feel no guilt no regret and no second guessing the decision you made.”

All thank you so much Nick no that's so it's really helpful because I really did I just I did everything I could and now it's on him if he wants to figure it out like that's great but if not I'm going to Miami I'm going to embrace this opportunity and just not look back like you said.

Well I'm sorry to work out but congratulations on on on on this opportunity Miami I'm sure will be fun you know and this is a blessing too because you know.

If you were to choose to make a long-distance relationship work that would steal some of your energy away from. This opportunity it would be a distraction you know you would it would be it would make you you know this is freeing you up to really crush it. You know that this job and a meaningful way and maybe this needed to happen for for you to really do that because you know relationships take a lot of work they're heart they require a lot of emotional energy and a lot of sacrifice and again you were willing to do that but he feed you up to really.

“No absolutely because now like I don't have to because I would have been willing to be the one you know traveling every month every couple weeks and it wasn't going to do that.”

100% if he you know there are a lot of people do that it's like well you have to you have to make a work I don't have to make a work I'm not moving and that would have been so draining and so hard on you and that honestly that would have been worse case. To like kind of try long distance and you would have been it would have it would have really sucked a lot of emotional energy out of out of you and it would have really been made the transition a lot more difficult. No you're so right because I think like you know at first I was like oh why is this happening now why couldn't we just at least try it but I think like you said it is kind of a blessing but it's happening now that I can when I do go to Miami I can go in fully focused on my job excited about the opportunity.

You know as there are any consideration of just moving to Miami sooner than later and just settling your roots down there and getting familiar with the city before you even start the job.

“I would love to do that the the only thing is like so I am in so because like I I texted so I'm doing a one year job now with working.”

Which I which I'm really like I'm getting great experience but that job ends in like beginning of August and then I go to Miami so that's the part like I can't you know and that and that's I think what was part of adding to my like stress being like oh my god. I mean limbo right now because if I couldn't move to Miami I'd love to go tomorrow and then get started already but I can I can have that fresh start even now still too. It's like they're having the mentality yeah. All right well hopefully this was helpful. Yes.

And yeah and so I'm sorry I'm sorry about the breakup but I really think this is this is really a blessing I think for you. Yeah and then and again the doors not totally closed I don't I wouldn't hang on to a lot of hope and I would I would move forward. It really the ball is in his court and and and and and I will say this one final thing if if he does again I really want to stress if he comes back he has to come correct. And then he has to be willing to show up and it's not just you being grateful that he's willing to try but how is he going to try you know I'm I'm not going to yeah I long distance isn't work if if if I have to do other work you know he has to be excited for you he has to you know it has to include him being like I'm really proud of you and how is it going and checking in and making you feel good about your move in your job you know it can't be

We share where a team and and as a teammate you know you root for each other successes because ultimately you both win and right now he he's not there with you and you are.

“Yeah he's on his own team so if he if he ever wants to be on the team together he's going to like you said he'll have to be the one to put that effort in because I already I did and now it's like I'm moving forward.”

Okay, all right well good luck. Keep us keep us posted and once you get out there and I'd love to catch up with you in a few months and see how you're doing.

Yes absolutely I'll definitely let you know how my aunt is going how any any updates so thank you so much again.

I'm a great fan of you in the household and everything so I really appreciate you getting to this clarity and help. Alright well I'm that was helpful.