I Dumped Him in Public So He “Wouldn’t Make a Scene” ft Tiff Baira

- Mm. - Oh, look at that. - Okay. - Gotta get it out before we start. - That was a big one.

(upbeat music) - Hello, and welcome to the U.O. podcast. I'm Jared Frieden. I am joined by this week's very special co-host. Tiff, Barra, thank you for coming on this show.

- I'm so excited to be here. - Tiff, you host the show called Street Hearts, which we can find on all your social media. You also wrote the modern dating book for dummies that is outright now, you can find it,

you can love it, you can read it, go buy it immediately. Tiff, thank you for coming on. - I'm so excited. - What's going on? How are you?

I love the outfit, I love the look, I love the hat. You look like we're ready to go on a batch of reparticles.

- No, that's always the energy.

- That's the energy? - Yeah, this is a casual weekday look, you know? - This is a totally muted Tuesday. - I like to play. - Oh boy hat, yeah.

- What can I say? - You walked in the office and everyone went, "Oh, okay, maybe she works here." - Yeah, I mean, she's a batches employee and just another Tuesday.

- I think we could match. - I love it. I want white tea 'cause I wanted to let you shine. That was my whole plan. - Yeah, you're giving like Instagram models boyfriend

that takes all the photos, and she's like really crazy outfits.

“- I think that's where most men wanna be.”

We don't wanna be front and center. - I do think like being someone's like arm and an Instagram picture is like a fun place. - Dream hard launch is just someone's hand with a nice watch.

Like I'm never, I'm not hard launching a man on my profile

until like I've been married divorce and then we got back together. - Right, then when I mean, then it's for sure. I will never hard launch before then. - Nice watch, does that matter to you?

- Rolex is very important. - Rolex is very important. - Rolex is very important. - Or a protect, I mean, - Or a protect. - Look at you. - How old are you, Tiff?

- October 29. - 29. To me, Gen Z, somehow floats this weird tight rope of money, lover, and rich person haters. Do you understand what I'm saying?

- I know what you mean. - Like it does feel like every Gen Z is totally about get the bag, but at the same time they're like, I don't like anyone who already has the bag. - So I see what you're saying

and that's why I did both. - You grew up half of my life in a trailer park. - Okay. - And then I came to New York, broke, then worked in restaurants. We're gonna like three, four jobs.

- Love it, okay. - So I feel like it's like the hero's journey. - Okay. - So it's like, you have you read the book where it's like, they go through all these challenges and they grow.

- So you were working three restaurant jobs

“and when did the star-studded cowboy hat wearing Tiff?”

- I've always been like that. - You've always been cheering. - Four, always a batty. - Always a batty. - Always wear it.

- Always a peacock. - Always walking in, disco ball, ready to go. - You know what, I think it doesn't take a lot of money to have style and that's a big thing. Like even when I was working in restaurants

and even when I was just dating when I was younger, like you don't have to wear the most expensive thing in the room, but I wanted to be so you, you know? - You gotta own it. - Yeah.

- Right. So what got you started with, and street hearts, basically you sit it on a date with two people, 'cause that's the show, right? - Yes.

- So you sit on a date with two people and you kind of like, you're the, the straw that stirs a drink. You, you ask the questions, you make sure they're talking and at the end of the date, basically they say whether they're in or they're out.

And that's the show. - That's true. - What about those, you know, you go on those dates with people, what do you notice most on those dates? Like what's the thing people do wrong?

- Well, here's the thing. I would rather focus on what they do right because what I've noticed the most is that people are always nervous to start the conversation, but once they get started talking,

then it's like they're like ready for connection. - What's a good first thing to say? - Well, I'm always like, why are you single?

So I get that to say, that's always the first question

I have a show. - Let's say someone says why they're single. I mean, that's obviously going to give you a taste of like whether you're in or out at that point. Don't you think you would know, like why are you single?

I agree with the question. I think it gets a little different as you get older. - Why are you single? - I would say why am I single?

I haven't found the right match to fit me. And that's like that I've been so excited about that I can kind of put aside delusion or put aside rationality for delusion. - Yeah.

- So if I'm to give like a kind of a political answer, I guess, like I've met a lot of great people, but like am I ready to just sprint towards something that ends in failure for a lot of people, that actually is difficult, that is actually a lot of work.

Do I want to do the work for this person that I'm with or would I be okay doing the work with the person I'm with? Does that make sense?

“- Yes, and why I ask you that is because that's what I feel”

like is the honesty of street hearts in the show.

that being single is like a sad pathetic thing, but I actually think it's an empowering thing, especially in a city like New York. There's a million options and you're trying to grow. Everyone's working a million jobs.

Everyone's trying to chase their dreams, and I think to your point exactly it's like, if it's mediocre, I don't want it. So it's like, how do you chase a love that's realistic?

It will be work, it won't always be perfect.

It's not a rom-com, but also that like, why am I in a rush to settle?

“Because people told us that you have to be married by a certain age.”

You have to reach these like 10, like whatever by a certain age. I think it's bullshit. - So why are you still single? - 'Cause I haven't met someone that made me not want to be. - Okay.

- Yeah. - So what are you like doing single? Are you having fun? - Yes, well, it depends on the day. Anyone that tells you that they have fun

every day being single is a lying mother fucker. - Yeah, I would agree with that. - Yeah, because I think the main thing is is sometimes some sort. - The relationships aren't fun every day either.

- Right. - So you do poison? - Right, well the right. The idea that everyone's having fun every day, or anyone is having fun every day, that's crazy.

- Here's the thing. I feel like when I've been in love, 'cause I've been in love before, I felt like I knew what I was doing and I was making the right choice.

And I think choice is the biggest part of this. It's like, you can be, I tell everyone, it's like, oh my God, why am I still single? Like I hate being single. If you wanted to right now be in a relationship,

you could. - Right. - Everyone in this room could be in a relationship. It's about number one, why do you want to be in a relationship? Is it because you want to, or do you feel the pressure,

or do you want to be validated, or are you insecure that you're not enough on your own? And the last thing is like, what do you want out of that relationship? You know, I think we see a lot of people that are unhappy together,

but they're just together 'cause they're scared of being alone. I know, you said something about I hate being single.

And I'm always like, that's such an unattractive thing to me.

The problem is this also gets so personal. Like, everything we're saying is easy to say. It's diet and exercise. Everyone knows what to do. Everyone knows they don't want to be in a mediocre relationship,

but to look at someone who you genuinely enjoy and say, I just feel this is mediocre. It's like very mean and feels personal, even though it really isn't, but it is.

“You know, that's why we get into specific emails here.”

We're gonna get to the emails, you'll be at betjes.com if you wanna write into the show, anything you'd like, sending it about your dating life. We love specific, specificity. We love when you tell a story, we love when you give us a bone

to nod on, because a lot of these things, and as you've seen, you've probably sat at the table with two people and been like, I can see why this works, even though if it was written on paper, it's not something I would want.

- You know? - What makes relationships and connection really special is to your point, it's really not personal. There's a lot of things about love and flirting and connection that is magical.

Like, and I think people are trying to make it so scientific or make it AI, like, your dating life is not ChadGVT. You can't find anything but get a specific output. I can't tell you why you walk into a bar and there's a million people and you see that one person

and they make you feel a lot. I can't tell you why you can meet one person on a date and you feel like you're in the worst chemistry class of your life, it's so fucking boring, you know? - It's so funny, you're dressed, so bright, and beautiful,

and so alive. And I have to be like the pessimistic Peter over here because everything you're saying is right, but we gotta get people to the bar. Do you know what I mean?

- We have to go to the bar. - Well, you gotta go to the bar, you gotta go to the social... - I love the bar. - I know, and that's the thing. But I think that's the problem.

Like, if someone was watching this and they're like, in there, in there, in a bad state, they're going screw these two people. They're on a podcast telling me, oh, you'll know when you know

and you'll walk into the bar and you'll feel that magic and it's like, I don't even wanna get off the couch.

“Like, I don't, again, I'm not with no one saying you have to,”

but we're saying, I guess you're floating around the apps are not really gonna give you that magical chemistry, but generally not. - I think the apps can be a tool. I call them the airplane to your destination.

But a lot of people get lost in app purgatory, which is like, oh, I think I'm doing the work

'cause I'm scrolling, but I always say you can't get

did-door-dashed. You need to be able to step out and... - Listen, if I got a message, if I got a message that someone needs a dick, I'd be like, okay. If I got a door-dashed, you can't get in there.

- Yeah, I don't know, there's a lot of straight men that are like, okay, I can just come over, you know, but I, you know, but you're right. - But the thing that you're looking for, my point is, is that if you want to actually make connection,

you can utilize the apps as a tool. It's the hammer, not the wall. You have to literally go out on that date, regardless of how you met. - Totally.

- And do the date. - What are they saying, golf? They say, you know, if you get a new club for your bag or I need a new putter, they say it's not the wand, it's the wizard.

- I don't know nothing about golf, but I believe you. - What I'm saying, but it's not the app, it's the wizard. You know, the wand. - The app is a wand. - It's a tool. - Oh, yeah.

- No, you don't understand? - Yes. - Do you understand or no?

- No, but the app is a tool. It's not the wizard, it's not the wand. It's like not the tool that's the problem. It's the person using the tool. - Yeah, yeah, do not get lost in the app,

but it's gonna solve all your problems. That's where people get tired. You hear app fatigue all the time, but the problem isn't the app, it's that you're using it to solve all your problems.

It's the way that you use it to then go on the real date.

“- No matter what, I think my honest opinion,”

and I face it myself now I'm actively dating again. So I think you're off. - Last date you went on. - Oh gosh, how was it? - Where, what, how'd you meet, where'd you go?

What's their name, what's their social security? - Okay, cool. Okay, so I travel a lot for work. And I, I feel like when you travel, you have a lot of whimsical romances.

Like I have this new thing like last year, I didn't date domestically. So I was like, found love while I was traveling and left it there. And, you know, you get your-

- Was that a way of, I mean, explain that? - So you basically- - It's a way of avoiding, actually building something. - Actual and something. - Connection and not getting ahead of yourself.

- But I was in a year and a half relationship broke up.

I always say it takes like about a year

and some change after a breakup to really feel ready to date for something to do. - So you were in a year and a half relationship. - Yeah. - And this is while you're on this like wild ride

from working at three restaurants to creating this, you know, this media empire of yours. You're creating your own business, your own world, and how did it kind of devolve? What happened after a year and a half?

How did you guys meet and what, what, ended that? - Well, I think like in a really positive way, it taught me that I did deserve love 'cause if you've been single enough in New York, you start to get really jaded

and feel like sex and hookups are really the only option. So to really have that romantic bond and have someone believe in you and your dreams. Like that is a lifeless and that I still carry on as I'm without him.

You like taught me some good things. You also taught me that like, there's more out there. So I didn't settle. So it was one of those breakups that are really hard, we're like nothing really happened,

but you just knew it wasn't the right fit.

And I always think like sometimes that's harder

to walk away from something again, mediocre, for something that you don't know exists than to stay in something just 'cause it's comfortable. - So you leave that relationship, you're like, I think this is nice, it's nice.

So what I'm hearing is it's nice to like, no, I can be in a relationship. - Yeah, I thought I wasn't the type. - I thought I was always gonna just match make people and that 'cause both of my parents are divorced

as I was six months old, they've never remarried. So I have never seen any love, IRL, that's why I love rom-coms.

“And that's why I wanted to make street hearts”

'cause I feel like it's really hard to see a realistic example of like connection. - Right. - It's always dramatized in like movies or it's just like negative.

- Well that's very, I can understand that where you're like, I haven't seen it. So why would I believe in it? I'm believing in this thing that I was only written in the movies. And so now you're in this like, okay,

so you get out of this relationship, you move on, seems amicable or? - Yeah, yeah. - Okay, and now you do a year and a half single and how, and you say,

no domestic relationships only in the national, - Your national relationships. - International relationships. - I wanted to give my passport stand. - So you wanted to go and fuck around a little bit.

Like if a guy said that, he would sound like a total asshole. - Do I sound like an asshole? - No, I think he's sound great. I don't, I'm just saying, sound like an asshole, doesn't mean there are an asshole.

- No, here's the thing. I really did my wellness thing. So I realized, when you were... - Where'd you hook up? What country?

What do you mean by hook up? We just docked. - I just like, tips just went to a climactic place. She went, um, she breathed a little heavier. Oh my god.

Well let me tell you, takes out a cigarette. It was a good side thing and he was a nice guy. - Colombia. What was the country's? - So I went to Paris and can.

- Okay. - That little French rendez-vouss. - How do you meet the guys? - So I was staying at a hotel that was a private membership club

and then I would just go down. - It's so awesome Paris. - Yes, I didn't know that. - So I, I, I, I, I was a member. I put it on hold 'cause I moved out in New York.

I think a private membership club is great 'cause people are looking to meet people there. People are kind of have the, I would say the safety of feeling like someone has been led in. The, that there's a little bit of community to it

and you can, you know, the bartender see the same people all the time. Has that guy come in before? Oh yeah, he's here all the time and there's a little bit of a safety net there, right?

- Yeah, I mean, the bartenders are your matchmakers there.

Like I always say, no matter if you're going to like

whatever bar you're at, make friends with the bartender because while like you were saying like, people that don't believe it,

“it's possible to meet in person, you have to have strategy.”

Like I call it the scantron when you walk into the room, you have to scan for the hottest person in there and position yourself close as possible. Like I say like, it's all luck in location. - So the worst is when you go to a bar,

you're like, where am I gonna sit? And then you like, oh, there's a spot.

and then all of a sudden, she gets up old man.

- It's always the old man.

- He's like, hello, son, a lot of talent in here. You're like, fuck, I'm next to the talent guy. How'd I end up here? - This is like in 1962, I worked the first play. - I'm here, I'm like, I'm just trying to get laid.

(laughing) - So you found a guy at so awesome Paris or in Cam? - Yeah, yeah, but here's the thing. Regardless of how those, you know, whether it's a hookup or a new friend or a conversation,

I think you're flirting skills, you have to sharpen them. - Do you not like to get personal with your dating stuff? You're very good at holding, 'cause we've gotten to like the surface of these stories.

- I wanna know, did you fucking Paris? (laughing) - Gary, I'm sorry, I'm trying to get to know you for the listeners here. - Is that what we're having to fucking hello?

- I said hello, now we see what we fucked. - You know, I don't fucking tell. - Okay, good. - Gary, just give me the countries, Paris. - And I'm not saying, I'm--

- No, you know, I'm not someone.

- Yeah, I chatted.

“- Chatted, okay, that's what I'm talking about.”

- I'm happy for you. - Thank you. - Yeah, I'm not sitting here in a place of judgment. I'm judging. - You're judging.

- But with-- - I mean, let me tell you the thing. - Men can't do this as easily. You want to say, I want to brought, I don't talk to one woman.

- It's very tough to treat. - Bonus epidemic. - Do you wanna go fuck a broad? You go there and they're like, "Hi, I'm from America, I like cheeseburgers."

- No, I'm gonna tell you something. - I think what, like, men could really grow. Like now, 'cause a lot of people are not like taking initiatives, like if a guy goes up to someone, I feel like that's the skill that will immediately

get you ahead. - Right. - Like taking initiatives, like, "Hey, what's up? "My name is Black."

Like, just how I should do it?

- Is that how I should do it? - Yeah, I mean, maybe like anything. - "Hi, I'm Jared." - Jared? - Yeah.

- I mean, like, okay, that wasn't like that. - I don't know. - Okay, the lights are 10. - Okay, okay. - Okay, let me get, let me, that sounded like I was looking

for the bathroom. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay, how about, "Hey." - Oh, wow, yeah. - "I'm Jared."

- "Really?" - I'm like, "Really?" So, "Paris," we're all still doing that. - Berlin, so I actually had like a-- - Berlin is like the sex capital of the world.

- Yes, okay. - You don't want to get personal. - I still talk to him. I don't know what to say. I was in a WhatsApp situation ship.

- Explain that. - I didn't still don't know what's going on. He likes to be happy. Right, babe. He's like, "I'm coming here.

"He has a neck tattoo." - Okay. - Okay, don't, aren't people with neck tattoos? Deserving of love? - No, 100% it.

- I'm doing the Gen Z thing. Don't you think we deserve love, Joe? - I'm gonna get a tattoo with my knee. - No, I do. - I do it.

My mom would just own neck. - Look, I met him out and actually had another showhouse. What the fuck? - This is a-- - The house.

I got to say they just had a lot of like business problems. And this is a great way for them to get to the membership. - No, no, I'm gonna get-- - Listen, I've been a showhouse in New York on a Saturday night. It is like the Sahara.

Like, there are women looking to meet men at Sahara night. In a way that it, you could feel it. - But can I say something? - Sure. Women at least like, all my friends and everyone that I know,

the biggest question I get is, "Tiff, where the fuck do I meet, guys in New York City?" That is truly how I built my career. Like, about like giving recommendation on where do people. So I feel like there needs to be like,

this, I'm so over non-challan. Like, we're too cool for love.

“Like, can we just fucking admit that we're all like lonely?”

We wanna meet each other and like, I'm gonna feel like a 90s happy hour, where we just like talk and drink martini. - I would say from the male side of this, being a single guy who's lived in New York

and has wondered where are the other men like me. I've said that here. It's tough to like think about. I would say there is a lot of thought and pressure that goes into, I don't wanna go too far

that I'm blamed for going too far. - What's too far? - Too far emotionally with, okay, you go up to someone, let's have a date this far. I think the apps for, I think women are exhausting

and I think for men, it is like signing some sort of like contract up front. And there's no subtlety on an app because you're on a thing called a dating app, the umbrella of dating hovers over it.

So it's like the idea and men love vague relationships. - Are you, are you pro-situationship? - I'm not pro-situationship. I know what I like. I know what I feel from the world.

- Well vague relationships, vague, you don't wanna be blamed for anything. Like you don't wanna get, you absolve yourself of all responsibility when you can just say, we've just gone out.

We're just talking, we're just hanging out. That all these are done by purposely by men.

“- Well, here's the thing, I think like transparency”

at the beginning is really important. So it's like, when I'm going, because now it, like I said, I'm now dating in New York again. And I don't go into it expecting the pick of fence and this to be my husband.

and I wanna have fun and I wanna get to know each other.

So I think if we can both just have an open mind, this could be something where it could be nothing. I think because of social media and all these voices being like, if he does this, this is what it means. If she does this, she hates you.

All people suck, they suck if they do, it's like we've all become content. And I think if we could start to like humanize the process again, that there is a lot of ambiguity and like we're doing our best to navigate,

but like the baseline is like, I need connection. I wanna meet someone. - You're exactly right and it's a refreshing thing to hear, because sometimes I think I talk about this too much. I went from, I don't think it matters what happens

on the internet to now, I maybe I think it matters too much. Because I do think the noise happens for everyone. Like the noise for women is a lot of women telling you what to do and what's right and what's wrong. I think the noise for men is we're out here to get you.

If you don't treat me the exact way, I wanna be treated. And I think both are worth acknowledging as the weather, so to speak. And this podcast, and we're gonna get into with the emails, it's all about bringing your umbrella,

giving you a perspective from two people who are single, saying, here's how I felt in that situation and maybe that will help you. So we are so excited to have Tiff here. Tiff, Barra, on Instagram, on socials, on TikTok,

go follow street hearts, what made you start it? - I want people to actually have hope about love again. - Well, beyond that, when did you buy a table?

“- Oh, when did I start, I think he said why or why?”

- No, why, but what makes you buy a fold out table, put it in the middle of the street? I know the intent is people to find love. I don't need the elevator pins. - This is like love court.

- Gen Z, always pitching.

We'll get you a brand deal, okay? - I don't need a brand deal for real. - Here is to find love, and then. - You know what, maybe you just don't believe in love enough. - I believe in love, but I believe also in a capitalist

that I'm looking at right now. - I believe in love. - I believe in love. - I believe in capitalism. - I believe in capitalism.

And you went to a street and you put out a chair in tables. And you said, "Hey, do you want to be on my show?" - Yes, okay, so we're gonna be gonna be really just... - The Gen Z of it all, just crushes me. - I just believe in love so much

that I put a table in the middle of the street. - You're 29. - To me. - Are you going there? - Yeah, you're young.

- I do have that. - Your health. You're doing it right. - Thanks. I love being insulted and coveted at the same time.

- That was an insult, an insult, lament. - I love that, yeah, that's a dream. - I don't even see it as an insult, but I'm sorry if you said. I'll apologize. I couldn't admit when I'm wrong.

- I'm a modern man. - Wow, you're so Gen Z. - That's me. - Okay. - I'm putting on my dangly earring.

- Oh yeah, it has to be like a cross. - Yeah, it's gonna be tough. - It might cinch my skin. So, what made you do it? - Okay, so the biggest thing that I was seeing.

Well, number one, I was in content for a long time. - Okay. - What were you doing? - I've been in content for six years. I went viral for like where to meet guys,

giving dating advice, but to your point, it wasn't rules on what to do, no right or wrong. It was about like how to feel good about yourself. So, it was about like, I'm a big believer of working with what you got.

I know that Emily Rodgecaste is gonna have a maybe a little bit of like more options than me or someone out, you know what I mean?

“You have to be realistic in the sense that like,”

you height and looks and personality, all these different things are factors. So, how do you learn to love what you have and own it and be confident about it?

So, that was always what my goal was.

That was the beginning of all of that. - Because all the dating advice that I heard is like, you have to change everything about yourself in order to get someone to like you. - Okay.

- So, where are you listening to dating advice? - Patty from a million dollar matchmaking. - You didn't find this podcast where we've been talking the same way for eight years. We've been pushing the word of take what you got,

but for every seat for years, we had horrible. - We had your social media people. We needed your social media. - I'm happy you're pushing that because it's like, we all need to feel like we're enough as we are.

So, anyway, I wanted to show just to be as simple as possible. You don't have to worry about who needs to pay. You don't have to worry about logistics of like, if they're gonna like the place I choose or how are we gonna, so it's like,

how do we make dating as simple as possible, which is a table and two people? And the honesty of like, you don't, you can't ghost each other on the show.

“You have to be accountable for how you feel.”

And you have to be honest. - And you know, again, you're getting two people sit down and smell each other, which is like a big part of this. If you can't smell them, you can't get to know them. - That's so true.

(upbeat music) - Let's do some emails. You ready? - Well, youupetches.com. Also, if you want to hear from Jordana,

our co-host here at the U.O. podcast, we have benefits episodes. Five bucks a month get you the podcast ad for in a date early.

where we go over our personal lives. We get a little personal. So, go sign up the link is in the bio. Also, we are on YouTube. You gotta see tips out of it.

She looks magnificent. She really brought it for us. This is appreciate it. This is great. Go on YouTube, subscribe, comment.

“Let us know what you think about the episode.”

I'm sure they're gonna love it. You ready? - I'm ready. - J and J and T. I recently found your podcast incredibly helpful while dating in my mid 20s.

Here's my dilemma. There's guy who comes into the bar where I work almost every week. At first, we barely talk, but over time, we bonded over movies.

And now we ended up talking for long stretches whenever he's there. The chemistry feels obvious. My co-workers all agrees flirting, but he hasn't asked me out.

And I don't get why. A few weeks ago, I took initiative and asked for his Instagram to show interest outside of work. We exchanged a few messages and memes. But nothing consistent.

I feel like I've made my interest clear. Yet we're still stuck in this limbo. So my question is, how do I flirt in a way that actually gets us to the first date without making things awkward at work

if he doesn't take the hints? And seriously, a confused batch. Tiff Barra, how do you feel? I feel like I call this like the cubicle cuties

where it's like it's always gonna be a little awkward

if you like someone that you work with, right?

“So you really have to ask yourself first, is this worth it?”

There's a million people in Manhattan, like you really obsessed with this person. She works at the bar with it, right? So it seems as though there's a guy who comes into the bar of our work.

So this is like a customer. Oh, a customer totally different situation. - Okay. - Yeah, I mean, look, I went on like, I made content for a year why Astrid is on a date.

And I feel like it's not that confusing. Just ask and find out. It's better to get an answer than be stuck in this limbo. So if it's awkward that if you, like I always say like rejection is always better for you

than sitting here wondering what if. So she just needs to do it. - You know, I've noticed things about my DMs and it's like just from my experience, women do two things.

It's one of the other. They either don't take the shot. They have to take the shot. They don't give enough. They don't say what they want right away

and give you an opportunity to see what they have seen. Or it's the other side of the scenario where they're not listening. They're not hearing that you're not saying that you're being as polite as you can be

without saying, no, I don't wanna go on a date with you. - You have a lot of people in your DMs. - I get DMs from time to time. Mostly from people's mothers. - No, nice. - Yeah, I get a lot of mom DMs.

Like, hey, you should meet my daughter. Like, I get the aunt, which is very nice. And it's actually a compliment and I take it that way. - I mean, the moms are new to DMs trying to say you love, like that's a good sign.

- It's a good sign for, I guess I come across as a nice enough guy that is talking. I'm also talking, I'm also talking about dating a lot. So again, this podcast is just like, I am a safe adventure, I think.

Like, I think a lot of women want that. They want like someone they can approach. They won't, they don't feel that they will be embarrassed by. But also someone who's doing something or maybe involved in stuff that is more crazy

or just out there in a way, you know. - But can I just say like, share this question?

It's never embarrassing to try.

Like, it's never embarrassing to shoot your shot.

“- Well, that's my point. - So I think she'd do it.”

- But that's my point. It's like, I would go back to the initial DM. - Yeah, and if someone sent me this DM and was like, hey, felt a vibe every time you're in the bar. Here's my number, I'd love to get a drink.

I'm free next week, Monday through Thursday, make a plan and I'm in. Make a plan and I'm in is like, door shut, you have all the tools to build the house, go ahead and go ahead and they've already,

here's what was, it's important 'cause it's a specific to the email. The guy's seen you, he's seen you at the bar, he's seen what you look like, he's smelled you. So there's a point where you go, okay,

he doesn't need more than he's gotten. If I had a woman say that to me with a private account where she's looked at my whole account, I would say it's not even at this point, right? And then I would say this is not enough.

You need to open up your account, or here's a few pictures to let you know my vibe. That can make it less gross for you. Let you know my vibe, make a plan and I'm in, and here's some pictures to let you know my vibe,

take sexuality out of it, make it so it's not, because honestly everyone has types and you might not be the type for them. It doesn't matter. Not personal.

It's not personal. So when you do that, you have given all the tools to build the house. If you give just a hammer and no nails, you have not given enough for the person to build the house.

In the house, in this instance is the day. The other problem is if someone sees that and says nothing to it or hearts it, they have your number, it's over unfollow, walk away. It's okay.

- Live your life, move on.

- Right, I would never get that text or DM and go,

Now, never, I would go, I would quietly walk away from it.

And I would think also, if I'm to give like women some like to pump you up to like send this DM, I don't like drama, men don't like screenshot on TikTok. Hey, look at this loser who DM me. They generally don't do this,

and it also won't be received well by the audience. So there's a little safety in that. So sending the DM that's initial with all the information, hey, I would love to go out. Here's my vibe, make a plan and I'm in.

Now you're putting them in a position that they have to ask for on the date. Now you can feel good about it if it happens. And you can also walk away from it. So, I've never fouled a DM with stupid other than,

I can't see them, and I feel they're stupid.

“- No, I think you're right, you're such a good point”

where it's just like, look at the end of the day. People will be complimented that you have interest in them. - Totally. - And there's nothing embarrassing about trying and saying like, hey, I want answers.

Like clearly, like you said, he's seen you. He thinks, you know, he's responding to you. They've shared some memes and all that, but the biggest thing that I will say is like, we all kind of inherently know

when someone's into us and when they're not. So, I hate the theory that like if you wanted to, he would. I think it needs to be more of a mutual thing. And even if you take gender out of it, if you take romance out of it, effort is effort,

no matter who's doing it. So, if you feel like something is too one-sided, it's time to move on.

And I always say like, leave room for someone to show you.

So, I think sometimes, especially if you're, maybe not having the best confidence while dating, you feel like the more you do the more they'll like you. But that's the absolute opposite. I've noticed the less you do, the more they like you.

- Right, well, that's kind of the reason for the leave, it's like door-dash, leave the stuff at the door and they'll either pick it up or they won't. - Or they wouldn't, and I think we feel like that's the scariest thing is someone,

“not reciprocating, someone not wanting us.”

But if you are trying to push, push, push something that's not meant to be, you're just wasting your own time and energy. - And I think... - Well, also, starting around.

But then when you get it, you won't even feel great about it. - No. - You'll be like, "Oh, well, are they here?" 'Cause I pushed. - Yeah, I think.

- I think here because they'd had, they didn't, like, their other plans cancel. Like, there's nothing worse than being a back burner bitch. And as a reformed back burner bitch, I'm very passionate about this.

- Do you get DMs? - Yeah, I mean, I feel like I have like the dusty crusties that are in my like requests that like send me like, "Good morning, baby, good morning, baby, good morning, baby." And I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?"

- Right.

- I've never been to have time all morning.

- I've never done the DM from someone that like, I would actually go on a date with. - Never. - Never. But I've never done the friends to lovers pipeline really.

I've always like to date like outside of my world. - What do you mean? - Like, I mean, most of the time, like,

“I could probably, like, I've never, like I said,”

like, I'm around single people all the time. - Right. - And like, I work a lot. Like, this is what no one tells you. When I was like in restaurants,

my dating life was amazing because I had time. You know, like, I would clock in, clock out, and then it was all about dating, and like all about now is like the last few years of really been about like building myself up my business.

It's like, I'm working all the time. And then the guys I'm around are all like, my friends. So I have to be intentional about dating. Like, I don't date any one of my network. I like, either use the app or I go out for that.

I call it, like, Daddy Hunting. Me and the girls on Friday nights, we go out. - Where do you go to? - Daddy Hunting. - Jeans, people, uh... - So you go to all the hotspots.

These are the TikTok spots. Jeans, especially. - I don't know, like, one of my friends owns it, so I just go and-- - I want to be other jeans, there's another jeans?

- Like Levi? - No, yeah, look, I go by jeans, and I hang out there. - I go by jeans. - Every Friday night, I go to Levi's, and I try on Jeans while crying.

And that's how I meet women. - You know, they say old mate, I look, well, I can't say where I live. But I, um, old mates is really good. Where do you go to meet girls?

- Well, I-- - Do you meet girls? (laughing) - How do you think girls? - I don't meet them much.

I meet their moms and my deums. (laughing) No, when I go out, it's generally an alone sport. I'll hang at a bar. I'll have like a beer or something in front of me,

and I'm kind of just like hanging on my phone, and I would talk to people, but I'm also like, generally just like, looking to hang after a show. - Do you performatively read ever at the bar?

- No, I would never. - I'd be holding the book upside down, I'd be like, that guy doesn't have a book. - It was like, he's never read a book. - No, it's good.

(laughing) Why read? I'm cool. - I'm mysterious. - Let's do another email.

Youupetches.com, tiff. Let's hear an Ickier. Oh, I wanna hear your top five tips on how to flirt. - Okay. - So you go to jeans.

I went to jeans with a J, I think? - Yeah, it's spelled with a J. - No, I went to jeans with a G. My buddy was like, we gotta go to jeans. And we ended up at this like, Italian spot

that was like, all people in their hundreds.

And then we were like, what the fuck?

What happened to like the hot wind and then we'd see on TikTok? And we were just at this bar that looked like it was out of like, you know, an old phone call.

- It was crazy. - Yeah, it was crazy.

“I'll never forget it, he did this to me twice.”

Same friend did this to me twice. He was like, we gotta go to jeans. Oh, it's the hottest spot in Manhattan. I'm like, oh, I think I've seen that place on TikTok. And then we ended up at this like, old folks home.

And I was like, wait a minute, what are we doing here? Look it up, jeans with a jeet. - Maybe you can make it. - It's not jeet, is it? V, do you see jeans with a jeet in New York?

Where is it? It's like, it's like around here. It's like 25th and 5th. Not to disparage this place. I'm sure the food is great.

It looks like it's been there forever. But it is not the place I thought it was. - It's not a lot. - Yeah, that's it. (laughing)

It's on the 11th street.

- I just think you like suited up, right?

- We were, we were like, we are going to the hottest place in Manhattan. And I was like, and then we walked in. - We're man. - And then there's like a guy going like clearing his throat.

I also, the same guy did this to us. We were all hammered and we were out and he's like, we gotta go get the best pizza in town. This place is the best pizza, Domino's. Does it great?

We loved Domino's. And I was like, we got to this house. He's like, we're like, are we going to Domino's and he goes Domino's? (laughing)

(laughing) - I was so angry. - He's great. - I don't see, maybe that's my husband. - The baby, he's married.

- Yeah, but the baby's married, yeah, he rats, but the baby has done this to me twice. I'm walking around me like, oh, I'm getting Domino's tonight. I can't wait there, I heard that.

He goes there, she's bread is like unbelievable. - That's me trying to make a boring man sound interesting.

I'm always like, no, he's not Domino's.

He's Domino's, 'cause I love a boring man. - You like a boring guy? - Yeah. - Right, they gotta be, you know, you can't have two cowboy hats in a relationship.

- No, not in public. - So you, you keep that in the bedroom, I like that. I like I go over to the house, what's going, oh yeah, come back to my place, here's your hat. Take off your clothes, here's your hat.

- Jesus Christ. - Guy from Paris. - You have, you know, I'm- - Two braze. - Look, PG Family Friendly.

- I'm sorry. - Okay. - You want to use it? - To top five to proud of Flair. - Okay, sorry, I feel like we can't land

if I can't plane. - We can land it. Come on, this is what this podcast is all about. - Okay. - Fun, top five ways to flirt.

“- All right, I always say you have to give them 50 shades of cornea.”

So you, 50 shades of cornea, and then you look like you're taking an eye exam? - Yeah, you show them those eyes. Like, I feel like you have to just make eye contact for three seconds, three to five, you know, really eye contact.

- Okay. - And then they'll know. So if the guy, if you're making eye contact. - You wear those glasses when you go into the bar? - No.

- The glasses are for the show. I just, I just wore them with you 'cause you were radiating and I just, you know. - Excuse me. - That's how you flirt.

- There it is, I just felt it. (laughing) Oh my God, a little shiver went up my toes. - Okay. - So done, so you give them some eyes.

- Look, when you're out of bar, you will know in five seconds. If they lock eyes with you, they're in, if they turn away, move onto blue. - Okay, so you lock eyes, you find out you go there in, what's the next move?

- Next move, you'll typically like equally gravitate, or I would prefer the guy to just come up to me. So if he doesn't do it, then I'll be like, excuse me, where is the bathroom? Excuse me, and your voice has to go up.

- Gotta go up. - Yeah, like any time I'm fighting, excuse me. (laughing) Is that a espresso martini? Are you just happy to see me?

- That's it. - Yeah. - I love it. I think just saying anything. - You literally don't have to say it doesn't matter

what you say. And if you, okay, so you either go up or you go low. - So it's like, okay. - Wow, that bad ago in your vest. Is it vintage? (laughing)

- Perfect. - Yeah, right. - But you like a boring guy, you like a, - No, either boring or a man that'll ruin my life. There's no way between.

- Or what? - A man that'll ruin my life. - A man that'll ruin your life. - You said it so quick. (laughing)

Then I thought it was like a French term. A man that'll ruin my life. - And then did it ruin my life. - Yeah, okay. So you go up to guy, it goes higher low.

- So, okay. - And then I do think like, having your like group's merge. So if you're out with friends like every friend group has the person that's the yapper, and then you have a friend that's the secure. So there's one that's good at like throw in the fishing rod out.

- Yes. - And then there's someone that can help like make the groups. - You want the tender and the cruise ship. - Is that a fishing term, does it like all? - No, it's like you want the activity. - You know the little boat that comes off of the big boat,

you need the little boat to go out, bring people over to the big boat. - Yeah, yeah, the little tiny boats that they all help them live. - Yeah. - Yeah.

“- So I think going up to, I think going up to someone”

and complimenting them, would you, would that be okay? - Yeah, I think complimenting. - Tiff, those shoes, love them. Oh wait, I gotta go higher, Tiff, those shoes, love them.

"Oh, he's for the girls." - There it is. - I'd be like, "Okay." - I'm safe instantly. - Tiff, the shoes.

- I got it, it's like, yeah. - Yes. - Queen. - Just say like, you're not into me. - Oh, you're at the wrong bar, sir.

(laughing) Do you have any other tips for flirting? So give 'em my contact, go up, you know, have something to say. - Yeah, and don't be nervous, like, I feel like the major thing is--

- Don't be nervous, is like telling someone, "Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, please, please." - My bad. - Flirting is just being hot and talking.

“So, like, I think, like, take the whole, like, pressure of sexual,”

like, act like you're talking to your best friend.

So when I go on a first date, the first thing I always say,

is like, "How was your day today?" Like, you don't make it an interview. - Why are you flirting? - Why am I flirting? - Why am I single?

- No, that's what you said. - Ah, that's what other people say. - Oh, oh. - We're talking about other people to me. - You?

- Why, I would never start my own date. - Oh, why are you telling people to do that? - Because we have, like, a minute and 30 seconds, so we're getting to the point. But I think if you're on a normal, longer date,

slow burden. - Okay. - And not a interrogation, key to flirting, I think I call it volleyballing. So, even if you're not the best conversationalist, you ask them a question and take one thing they say and find a way to relate to it.

So, you're talking about fucking fishing or golfing or whatever, and they're like, "So, how do you put so big?" (laughing) - How do you put so far? - I'd be like, "Is she okay?"

It seems like she's just at a madlib. - Put big. - Put big? - Put, put, put. - Put, put. (upbeat music)

- Alright, let's do anic your picky, you ready? - Yeah, ready. - You, [email protected].

“If you want to read it for us, go for it.”

This is a game we play. They're dating someone, they end it. Was it an egg or were they being picky? Do you get the premise? - I love it, yeah. - Okay.

- You guys are doing the Lord's work. I tell all my friends to listen, and I've been to a couple of Jared's hilarious shows. - Thank you, honey. - Oh. - I even bought my parents and they loved it.

Oh, the mom's love you. - I told you. On to my story, my sister says I was petty, so I need your opinion, I was in a four-year relationship. He moved four point five hours away

for work a year into us dating. We did two years of long distance, and then I moved to his city. We ended up finding a new place together, and it was great.

Except the showerhead and the bathroom sucked. Oh, girl, you're not wrong for that. There's a particular importance in my family because my dad worked for a showerhead company for years. When we moved to new places,

my dad typically has an extra one-liner around at home that he'll install. My dad had recently retired and had lost access to this supply of showerheads. However, he said he had one that wasn't great,

but was better than the one we had, and he installed it. Seven months later, we broke up. It was pretty mutual,

and we both basically said you're a nice person,

but you're not my person. However, I definitely still had some harsh feelings towards him. My parents came to help me move out and my ex offered to help as well. Asked if he could help us lug boxes out to the truck.

He didn't. He worked on his computer and gazed to have me at us while holding my dog. Weird and annoying. Meanwhile, my mom is going around,

taking things off the wall, along with every nail and screw for me to take. At the last minute, I remembered the showerhead. It wasn't a good one, but I didn't need it or particularly want it,

but it was mine or my dad. Without saying a word to my ex, I took the showerhead off. Snuck it into a bag, hopped into the car, and was out of there for good.

My sister said I was basically the grinch, taking everything down to the nails and the showerhead. My mom says I should ever place the showerhead with the old one. My dad says if he gets mad,

I can just blame him and say he wanted it back. What do you think?

Love always a grinchy bitch.

- What do you think of this, Tiff Barra? So she, they break up four and a half years. She brings up a lot of details that aren't really necessary. They broke up and then she moved out.

When she moved out, she took the showerhead with her. Even though she says she didn't need or want it. Do you think that's petty after a breakup or not? The key way to always be in his head is to steal the showerhead. So I think she was just doing what she needed to do.

- So, Tiff, wow. (laughing) I like that answer because you're basically saying-- - Be a minutes. - She was, she was prudently being petty.

- She was talking with him. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's something people, you just have to do it.

- Pettiness was done prudently as what you're saying. - Yeah, I think it was a very prudent way to be petty because like, he's gonna go to take a shower and the fuck's the showerhead. - What, right, if you wanted to be petty,

this is a really great way to do it. If you wanted to live with him forever in his shitty showers, every day, maybe twice a day.

“- The key to staying in his head is skating the showerhead.”

Like, I feel like that's really it. - Well, I would say to you, I agree she's petty. - Yeah. - I think it's for a different reason. - She said--

- The yield answer. I mean, the heeled answer, like, I feel like you shouldn't care that much, but I just think this is really funny and like, she needed to do it.

- I don't mind that she's, I kind of mind the way she's telling the story. She's like, we broke up mutually. It was a mutual agreement that we break up and then all of a sudden, she's like,

with the dog and his hands so weird. And it's like, okay, then you've got annoyed with him. The more you saw him on the way out. And now you're like, I'm taking the showerhead 'cause this bitch shouldn't be able to shower anymore.

And it's like, okay, well, admit that you're angry about this breakup. - Don't just sit here and be a hero who's so chill and relaxed. Is that annoying the way she wrote this? I hate it.

- No, I just relate to her so much. - Right. - And she wrote it. Like, okay, carry Bradshaw. I'll steal that motherfuckers shot.

- It's like, we'll admit it, own it. I hate 'em. So I took the showerhead. - She said, nothing is ever mutual.

There's never a mutual breakup.

There's always one person that's upset about it and won't admit it, and, you know, it's not-- - And when the other person going, yeah, it's mutual. - Yeah, it's mutual, it's fine. - Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the same.

Like, it's mutual. But for the last year. - Right, I agree with that. Yeah, so person who says it's mutual is the one who wanted out.

- Yes. - If you say it's mutual, I'm pretty positive. You're selling that so that the other person will shut the fuck up. - Do you think it's better to be broken up with

or be the one that breaks up? - Oh, it'd be dumped. I want to be dumped every time. - Really? I've never been dumped, I'm always a breaker upper.

- It's way harder. - Yeah. - I don't think dumpers get the credit. - Yeah, thank you. - The dumpers, because--

- And you're seeing me.

“- Well, you have to, you basically have to shake up”

something that just could have kept going.

- I do it at the same wine bar on the upper west side.

- Really? What's the bar? - A Vincent. - Shea dump. - Shea dump. - Shea dump.

- I take 'em, I take 'em to. Shea hard break. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, where are we? - I think breakups are better with a little, like if you're both like kind of drunk.

- So what's the bar on the upper west side? What's the breakup bar? - In 72. - Ben 72, I know that bar. - It's 17 second in color.

- It has that big square bar. - It's actually not a great place to break up. - It's really bad. - You can see everyone in the place. - It's really horrible.

- Why did you choose that place? - It's just good. - It is a great, I mean, my buddy, who sells wine, I've gone there with him. - Did you see anyone getting breakin' up with me?

- He dumped me. - He dumped me as a friend. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He musta read your book. - No.

- I know I, that's, it would have been great if I was there when you were dumping someone. - Oh my god, that's amazing. Okay, next time I'm about to break up with someone else. - That woman dressed as Dolly Parton

as dumping that boring dude. - That guy in the cardigan is getting dumped by Dolly Parton.

- Aren't always in the cardigan.

Mr. Rogers daddy. - Is that you, is that your type? - No, it's what I've tried to convince myself is. I've tried to give up the bad boy, but I fear I like it a lot.

I like a musician. - You like a musician. - Of course, right? - Who does it? - Because then you can be ridden of,

I want to be someone's muse and I want to make, at least if someone's kind of shitty, I'm like, oh, he's an artist, you know what I mean? - Right, you can rationalize it. - I can rationalize it.

- He's tortured.

“He's going through, you need to write that album”

and that's why he's not texting me back. - You just can't do this with anybody of anybody he'd be doing. - Anyone, you know? - I get that. I think this was petty.

(laughing) I love that. - He's all to say. - I'll just say 100% petty, but 100% iconic. - Good for her, I agree.

It does have a lasting effect. It is something that will live with him forever. He has to go buy a new shower head and have it installed and that's the only way to get rid of you and the pain of you dumping him

but saying it's mutual. - Like the shower of shame. - Yeah. - Because he has to go to that bed bath and be on, get the shower, it's a lot.

- Let's play some games, you're ready? - Ready? - You, you, you, P.A. Peaches.com. We play a game called Red Flag or Deal Breaker. You're dating someone, it's perfect.

They do one thing. It's either a red flag. You notice it and stay in. Or it's a deal breaker you ended sight on scene. Are you ready?

- Yeah. - J.J. and T. Love you both. I'm sure they love you too. Jared, when are you coming back to Nashville?

I hope soon, probably soon. I have a small bit very real issue on my hands. I've been casually seeing a guy for last year. We've recently had conversations about becoming exclusive but there is something that I just can't get over.

He eats with his mouth open and will have full conversations with his mouth full of food. For some reason I cannot figure out how to bring this up.

“I think because it's so shocking to me every time.”

It actually makes me mad and I find myself in a bad mood after we have a meal together. How does someone go 35 years of life and no one has informed you that this is weird and polite and gross?

I think about him coming out with my friends or one day having dinner with my boss or clients and I shudder with embarrassment. So red flag or deal breaker, he eats with his mouth open. It's a crazy that this is a real reason

for not wanting to put a label on it. Am I being dramatic? How do I bring this up and try to change this behaviors? And certainly a misophonia bitch. What's misophonia?

- That's nice language. - It's a Greek word for me so funny. Like having a problem with a different sound. - Oh. So it's a fee--

- Can you hear people eat, you get like-- - Grossed out. - Like mentally distressed out. - So you misophonia, you get mentally distressed from hearing others eat.

I don't have that issue. Are you, here's, can I admit something new? - I would love that. - Let me admit something new. I, this is one of those things

you're eating with your mouth open, I would go you're a little too sensitive to people eating and it's not my problem so you're a problem. Because so it's kind of like to give them feedback.

Like if I was, when she says 35 years, no one said it to them, I'm 40. If someone said it to me, I wouldn't believe them 'cause I've made it 40 years without it becoming an issue that something like no one said it to me.

Being my parents or a loved one. So again, whether they're right or wrong, I wouldn't, the way it would be served to me wouldn't make me eat it to stick with the, do you choose to with your mouth open?

- I don't know.

I'm just saying I've never had that.

- Have you ever had that? - Have you ever had that? - Why would I do that? - You never filmed yourself eating? - I've filmed myself eating all the time.

- So you could go back and check the receipts. - Yeah, but I don't care. I mean, I, like I wouldn't think enough about that. - But maybe you don't care because you're not one and it's never impacted

those around you. - Well, yeah, I guess it's never, I've never, I've never, I think we're all personally motivated. I've never been impacted by chewing with my mouth open. - But it's felt impacted.

- Okay, but is there another thing that like, I know scent is very specific, right? Like, is there ever been like the most gorgeous girl in the world, but you don't necessarily like her scent? Or there's something that they've done.

It doesn't necessarily have to be like eating, but wise. But is there something that just, - That turned me away from them? Maybe loudness? - Yeah.

- Like not really understanding. And I don't mind a loud woman. If anyone has ever met my mom, they would know that. I can't, not like a loud woman. But if they don't understand the temperature of the room.

- Like self-aware, like they can be the room. - Yeah, if you can't take your voice level to the level that the room kind of lives in or understand,

“or if you go big in a room, you have to be really going big.”

- Yeah. - You know, if you go, but at normal talking, if it's like, if you're saying full names at full volume, like that affects me. - As someone quite loud as like a entity,

when I'm on a date with someone, they're talking very loud. It really freaks me out. - Like I'm saying the way. - So I feel like the reason I ask that is because like--

- Sure. - It's a good question, 'cause I guess the,

I've never noticed someone else so,

because maybe because I don't notice it, I feel that someone noticing on me as being sensitive. - Right, but if you can empathize with something that affects you. - Misafonia is when certain everyday sounds trigger

an intense, automatic, emotional reaction like anger and anxiety, I guess we have misafonia. - Yeah, yeah. - Your ex is voice. (laughing)

- Yeah, and here it is, we brought him in! - No, no, no, no. - No, okay, so I think-- - Let's go with what you're talking, go with your point. So you're saying that I should--

- No, what did I say? - The talking loud thing. - Okay, so I feel like all of this is to say it depends like how important this is to you.

I don't think you can necessarily change someone that doesn't want to change. So if this guy, number one, have you made him aware that he doesn't?

“If you haven't, I think it's easy to accept thing.”

Figure out how important this is to you, which it seems very important to her.

Second thing, make him aware

and then see third, see if his response. If he wants to change and if he doesn't, I think it is a real deal breaker. - I think it's a deal breaker, 'cause she's connecting it to morality.

She's the fact that she's even sitting here going, well, how could someone go through 35 years of life without knowing? It could very well happen. There's adults who chew with their mouth open.

Don't make it like, it's something, you've made it into way more than it has to be, which probably means you don't like him. - Yes, that's real. - When you start connecting it to,

well, you've been here on earth, like you're just trying to take him down at that point. You're not trying to help him. It's like, you know, we get comments on YouTube. If someone says to me, Jared,

stop interrupting the guest. I kind of don't trust that as a person who wants to see me be better. Because if they said, at minute 12, I really wanted to hear what Tiff wanted to say.

And I really wish you would have asked about that more and really zoned in there. I would go, wow, this person really cares about me, the show, where its direction is about me getting better. But to just say vaguely, how could you go 35 years in life

without knowing how to chew? I wouldn't really know how to fix that. - Yeah. - I wouldn't be helpful.

“- I think this is like a big thing that I'm always trying”

to talk about is we get so quick to call something in Ike, but I think it's easier to hide in the Ike than to face that like maybe number one we're afraid of real connection and number two that like, maybe we don't want to look at ourselves at the same time.

It's easier to find someone else's problems than look at your own. - Right. - It's the most vulnerable in real reflection of yourself because you're putting yourself out there to be judged

So I think like to your point, if it's something that is bothering you and it's someone worth having the real conversations with, you approach the conversation with, hey, I really have loved getting to know you.

There's one thing like every time we're eating,

“your mouth is open, like is that just comfortable for you?”

Or like be inquisitive, not judgmental. It's like yeah, it's really comfortable to look like a pig. Like, if you take it, it's like so like, and I could be like, well, you know, sometimes

when I'm at the, like I always try to relate it

to something kind of gross about me. So it's like when I'm at the gym, I'm sweaty and you probably want me to shower before I get into your bed, I don't actually don't sweat. So I can't really do it.

- It brings up something that doesn't involve her at all to relate to this pig who won't shut their mouth when they eat. - I mean, I could imagine how someone would sweat maybe sometimes when they go to a gym,

but not me, I'm gorgeous all the time, but when you chew like a horse while we eat, you could understand how a sweaty person. - I'll be honest, I snort sometimes. I really do, and I've worked on it

because it's really embarrassing. So who's ever been, I've never heard a snort and thought negatively about the person? - Well, I mean, they give for having an open mind. - Well, I always think the snort is overrated as a bad thing.

When I see someone get embarrassed that they snorted,

I'm like, who's the one that's like, look at this fucking letter? - My name is Quote, and my kind of just way

“of my life is like embarrassment is a choice.”

Like people probably look at me all the time and are like, oh, this girl's a fucking clown. Actually, a man on the way here, literally looked at me straight in the eyes and laughed. And I said, I'm so happy to provide a giggle for you.

So I think-- - Just laughed. I direct, I contact laughed in my face. And I was like, Elimeo, I love that energy. Like, at least it's a happy Valentine's day to you.

- Yeah, we just love love. (laughing) But I think the main thing here to your point, if you really like him enough, have a conversation from a place of being inquisitive, not judgmental.

- I would do it in the moment. Hey, you're talking with your mouthful. And I am catching all your mullers and all the gross stuff going on on your mouth. I don't know, I think in the moment,

it would be like, I do understand how someone will be like, you're attacking them. But I'm like, you kind of want to have, like, I don't know, I'd rather-- I don't want to talk about it vaguely.

- Yeah. - Hey, right now, you are literally chewing your mouth open. And I'm seeing everything. And I, well, I don't even know. I feel like this person hates this person.

- Yeah, if you like him have the conversation, but I do like, if you want a relationship to stick, you got to get past the X, it's real conversations, not just people away.

“- I think also, when you're talking about kind of relates”

to the other side of it, like, we don't want-- the itk is easier than, hey, I just don't have a connection with them. - Yeah. - You know, I don't have a connection with them

is taking self-responsibility, is going, well, because I think a lot of us want to, when you end something with someone, you want to find a way to vilify them over going, who am I? Because a lot of us go, who am I to dump someone?

I don't think a lot of people have the confidence to say, yeah, fuck them, that nice person that I really am attracted to, that I just don't see a future with. Like, you generally don't say that. Generally you go, let me find one little thing

that my friends will go, yeah, you were right.

You can never be with someone.

They'll never find love. They'd she would turn around for sure. - Yeah, yeah. - Who could ever love them? (upbeat music)

- All right, let's do one more. Red Flag or Deal Breaker, J.J. and T. I'm a single woman in New York City and had a recent dating situation I can't stop thinking about. I went to a party met a guy and later that night

with a little liquid courage, DM'd him something simple like, hey, it was nice meeting you. I was hoping it would open the door to ask him out. He read it the next day and never replied. A couple months later, I ran into him again

in a mutual friends event. Despite the awkwardness, I felt knowing he left me on red. We ended up talking a lot and it was actually fun. This time he was the one flirting, asking what I was doing the next day

and suggesting we hang out. Here's the problem, I felt surprisingly turned off. I couldn't shake the fact that he ignored me before. Now suddenly, he's interested. Red Flag or Deal Breaker, is it fair to see being left

on red as a deal breaker, even if he's showing interest now? What do you think? - I think it's just maybe not even a red flag because I leave my best friends on red because I'm just not a texture.

I hate this idea that just 'cause you might not be the biggest phone person that you hate them. Like, I leave someone on red in response to weeks later. I think focus on how he's acting in person. Like, if you left you on red and was giving you the cold shoulder

in person, maybe then like that's an ultimate deal breaker. But like, are you gonna let the phone win over the I/O real experience? - Here's the other thing about this. Everyone, it's all about timing.

You can get a DM from someone.

and be like, I'm dating someone else.

That needs to be ended. I know I need to end that. You don't know where he is on this planet Earth. To answer your text. In person, it's happening just like you said.

This is great. We're having enjoying ourselves. I think shooting another shot, that like, there's a reset there and that's okay. But I also, you know,

the other problem is I've been very nice to people in person that I would not respond to on DM. You know, you generally go, I love your audience. - The path of least resistance.

And if someone's in front of me, hey, good to see you, oh my God. And then they DM, like, let's go on a date. That was so much fun. I don't know about that.

Like, I, you know, there's sometimes there's people that, and again, you don't know. That's why it's not worth getting down

“about not, like, that's why it's not worth it”

to not send the DM. - Yeah. - It's worth it to send the DM because hey, you felt something. You're not a, the one thing people have to remember

when they date, when it's something I remind myself often. I am not sitting in a padded cell wearing a straight jacket. Let's remember that, at a baseline. So if you felt something while talking to a person in public, that is something and enough for you to reach out to them.

Again, you're not crazy, you're not strapped in, you're not in a padded cell. So they obviously wouldn't be weirded out to hear from you when someone, you know what I mean?

- I always say you can't lose where you don't already have.

So like, what the fuck do you have to lose? - Right. - Send the text, you're still gonna be single the next day. Or maybe you could get a relationship, it doesn't matter. Like, your baseline is already single.

So anything you do from here, if you do want to potentially date this person, is a win. - Right. - I think we all get like the ego of it all like, being like, I got ghosted or I got left on red.

I mean, if you're best friend told you this story, you wouldn't be like, oh my god, you're a freak. It feels more severe because it's your life. - Right. - The action in itself is very normal to your point.

So I mean, I feel like, just in, like, of course, I'll talk about dating, but I think this is so, I say how you live is how you date. Where it's like, we're so easy to be like, I could never get that job, I could never get that person,

I could never do that. And you're telling yourself these narratives, and that's why we're getting stalled.

“So you have to actively fight against it.”

So if you think someone's hot at a party, shoot the fucking message, they don't respond at least you try. - I'd also do a soft version. - Yeah. - So you came in hot with a DM, let's go get drinks, and they don't answer.

Now you meet in public, okay? Wow, we really connected. That felt like something. I'm actually, and then you go, I'm going out with my three-girl friends

to jeans this weekend. You know what? I'm gonna shoot that guy message, letting him know that me and my friends are going to jeans. Him and it, here's a great text.

You and your friends should come. - Yeah. - You and your friends should come. Now, it takes a little bit of the pressure off it. - And you might like the friends more.

- You never know, but you're inviting someone

that you've already vetted in person. They're new, they're exciting. They're an adventure. They're not the same old group. Hey, I'm going with two friends to this bar

in our neighborhood this weekend. You and your friends should come. We'll be there around 10, meet us out. - Yeah. - And now you don't have to do numbers.

You can be out, you can enjoy whoever's at the bar. If they show up at a bonus, maybe they show up alone and look at that, they've made a power move. Maybe they show up with two friends and you're like one of the friends just like you said.

That would be great. But I think that's like a good, hey, let's take the wind out of this a little bit. And I think a lot of dating stuff, you really just want to get in front of the person,

just like you said in the beginning. Just be at the bar and see them and make the eye contact and breathe them in a little bit. - Take the pressure out of it.

- Right, it's just a date. It's just talking to someone. - Right, right, and it doesn't even have to be a date. It's, yeah, him and his friends came. Our sheiner, oh, she came with her two friends.

I do this all the time on the road where I, like, we'll reach out and I'll be like, you know, I'll do this, you know, I'll go. Hey, you know, I'm in town. I, you know, we follow each other

and I saw that we follow each other. Or I'll be following someone and knowing them over the years. Hey, I'm in town. I'm doing a show this weekend.

It's at seven o'clock and it should be a lot of fun. If you and your friends want to come, I'll put some names at the door and you guys, you're more than welcome. No pressure either way. - But you only do that to people you like, right?

- I would do that to someone I want to see and spend time with, yeah.

“- So, and I think that's like, in and of itself.”

Shoot that one text, I call it like, you know, that's your one shirt, your shot text and then let them do something like that. You know what I mean? So in this situation, vibes were good in person.

I wouldn't send another text after that, honestly. You wouldn't, I would do a reset. I don't think there's anything to lose. - I mean, there's nothing to lose. - There's nothing to lose, but I think there's something

And I also love a guy that can take that step. I don't need to walk in on his leash to me. It's like, I want someone that knows what they want and is willing to get it. Especially if I took that initial initiative,

they saw me, they should remember me. - I think it's also okay to send that text

“and be turned off that they came, and that's what it took.”

- Yeah, there's everything. - There's everything. - But I think a resume though. But like what you're saying right now, I agree with the idea that like it feels good to be wanted.

Like, I can't tell you how to feel, of course, feel however you feel. I think if you send that text, like, I think it's a great thing to like send that text. Hey, my friends and I are going out.

I saw you the other day and we had a great vibe. I'll be at this bar at this time. And then they come and you go, it might make you see them in a different way. I'll took all this for you to come.

Like that's not reasonable, but it is how you feel. - But what if you like them more? That's a great. - Yeah, but what if they still don't like you and you like them more?

- Well, it's Graham, you know, I don't know. - Yeah, it has to be a statute of limitations here, but that's gotta get it cut off time. - Well, I think at that point you get into trying. - Yes.

- I think trying is a good thing. - I always agree. So I feel like we're on the same page where it's like, - But you're protecting your heart right now. Like, I think, you know, this is,

I don't date domestically. You know, when you say, "Well, what if they like you?" And they, "What if they act like you like you?" And you like them even more? Yeah.

Isn't that the point? - How emotionally available do you think most people in New York are?

“- Not very, 'cause I think they have other passions”

and pursuits that they want more than a relationship. - A career can never hurt you like a man can. - Man, that's right. - But, I said, well, I think that's not a good one. - But I'm not sure.

- But I know, well, at least the thing career, hopefully most of the time you get back up and you're in control of it. - I, well, I think that's like the big difference here, you know, in New York and especially 29,

you're meeting a lot of people and everyone's here for something else. It costs too much money to live in New York to be here for love, you know? - I moved here for love, but now every man I've ever dated,

I said, just so you know, 'cause I like to be transparent,

you will always come second to my career.

And I've told myself every single man I've ever dated, living in casual. - Yeah, because you think that's a way of like blocking yourself off a little bit. - I don't think it's a way of blocking.

It's a way of showing that like, I think you get one shot, especially as a young person that didn't come from anything to really make your dreams happen. And I'm not gonna let anyone get in the way of that. They can add to my life and help me build,

but I'm not in-- - You say that, wouldn't you say that to someone, do you say that to them preemptively? - Well, I like to let people know what they're getting into.

- Right. - Because I think like, especially like, you know, you travel, you're on the road. Like, I'm the same way. Like, I'll be gone for like months at it. Like, you know, I'm not always here.

- Sure. - So it's like, you need someone that, 'cause like, I do think there's no neutral love. There's like, either someone that's really adding to your life and building you up or they're taking your energy.

And I think a lot of times, some guys, this is just me personally speaking, not a flat statement, but they like your shine, they like your sparkle, and then they get intimidated by it and try to destroy your confidence.

- Sure. - So it's like, no matter your gender no matter who you're dating,

“it's like, you have to know what your priorities are”

and protect it and fight for it, you know? - Sure. - Well, yeah, it's funny to like, I had a woman I dated and she said,

she told me, I'll always be second to your career.

Hate it hearing that. - Was it true though? - At the time, it probably was. And I mean, we're not together anymore. So yeah.

So, and I didn't like hearing it because it was almost like a took away the illusion that could change, you know? Or that, and it was also kind of announcing that that would be held against me.

Like that was gonna be something that was now being seen. It wasn't our pursuit, which it wasn't, I'm not saying it should be, but it just didn't feel like, when that's being said to me, I was like, maybe this relationship's over.

- Well, the right person will be part of the journey and they'll love that about you. - Right. - Right. - I think some people don't know what they're getting into off the jump. I think like we're all our PR selves.

I think the first six months of our relationships. And then it's so fun to date the comedian. So fun to date. - Sure. - And then they see the reality of when you bomb a show or when you have the best show of your life.

And you know, like they never, there's an outfit down.

- I guess for my end, it felt like I was being told that, 'cause I didn't believe that. Like I didn't really see it that way. I didn't see it as this like totem pole. - Yeah. - You know?

So in the relationship, I always felt that I was being a good boyfriend and then also pursuing this career and then each individual decision was made on its own. It wasn't like career fur. It was more nuanced and about context of like,

well, I can't make it to this event that we would normally go to because I have this other thing.

- Yeah. - So I don't know.

“- I think, you know, relations are more messy than,”

I guess I'll come more second to that.

I think it's, I don't know, I didn't like the sound of it. - The version is seven. - Yeah, whether it was true or not, it didn't feel like a partnership to be told that. - But I think partnership to your point is messy.

And it's like the right person will ride that with you

and like be there for you and the ups and downs

and you'll be there for them.

“But I think like a lot of times you see this”

where it's like the trope, right? Like a very successful person with someone that might just be like being taken care of or something like that.

Or two very successful people

and they're not communicating what they need. I think like the nuance of communication has been really lost.

“And I think the grass is always greener effect”

is very real where it's like set of facing the problems that are coming from inside the house. It's better to run to something easier. So I don't know the solution, but I do think like compatibility isn't personal

but also knowing your priorities before you enter into a relationship is gonna save you a lot of time. - If you're the guy in Berlin listening to this, this is what Tiff wants, okay?

She doesn't want your bullshit WhatsApp anymore, okay? You just heard everything she wants. Tiff Barra, thank you so much for coming on. Everyone go check out street hearts, follow @tiffbarra on all platforms.

Also the book, the modern dating for dummies by Tiff Barra is out right now by it. Go enjoy it, learn about your dating life. I'm Jared Fried, we are here every Wednesday and Friday, back on Friday.

Boom. (upbeat music)