I Love My Boyfriend But I’m Scared To Move In Together

A-B-C-D-E-F-G. H-I-J-K-M-N-N-O-P.

“I love it. I'm just like, so that could be right.”

I'm an N-O. I'm an N-O. Okay.

Hello, and welcome to the U-A-Podcast.

I'm Jared Freed and today's very special co-host is Tessrick Ellis. Thank you for coming on the show. I'm very excited to be here. Tess is a comedian actor. An actor, improviser, storyteller.

Batches, you know, face that you've seen on all the platform. Yeah. You work here at Batches. You do all the content here. Yep.

What's going on in your life, how are you? I'm good. I'm good. That sounded bad. Are you good?

I don't think I'm going to repeat. I'm good twice. I'm going to have any one believe you. What's wrong? Well, I've had like a couple of bads.

And so now I know I'm about to be on the good. The most recent bad is my childhood dog died today. Oh, no. I know. So I don't want to bring the mood down.

But when you say, yeah, like last night, I know. This is when we're booking you. We know it's like the day. But what I'm doing here at Batches. I made my, I, I had my moment.

And I had three. I've had four bad things.

“So now four good things are going to come to me.”

Right. The universe owes me. You are. I am owed. You're in debt.

Are there, the universe is in debt to you. Exactly. Listen, we're maybe we can help cheer you up with other people's problems. I would love that. I would love that.

So everyone go follow. Texture Gallus at test. Trag hilarious. So funny. You're going to love everything that test does.

You, so the dog passed. How did it die? It was just old. You know, you know. Okay.

Old dog is a little bit easier to come back. Very sweet. And like, you know, Name what's the dog's name? Wilson Wilson.

I know. Wilson the dog. Wilson. Did you have a shaggy beard? He was a lab.

Just. Wilson the lab. Like a pure lab. So beautiful. To let people behind the curtains.

“We had to like get a, we did this a little bit on the fly.”

We needed an episode test. Step up here at the office. And they were like, I just like to fun time with test. And I'm like, how are you?

She's like, dog dead. I'm a good vibe. You're a good vibe. You're a good vibe. And dog dead.

I show up. There we go. And I'm here to bring up the vibes. I look. It's sadness.

Well, you're in a relationship. We want to get to know you before we get into this. You're in a relationship, how long? A year and almost a year and a half. Year and a half.

Yeah. Okay. Had you meet.

So we basically I did this bit where I was running around in a wedding dress.

I remember this. Yeah. Running around in a wedding dress. I couldn't get enough of it. I would need to attention.

And I got it. And he saw the video and came to one of my shows. And the first time he saw me was in this wedding dress. You did a show. Was like a one woman show based on I am throwing my own wedding.

I did fake spoof wedding. It was like chaos. And I was the bride who just was trying to do all the things with like no money. So I had like fake doves that like meant to fly. But obviously we're fake.

So they just like fell. It was just a very very sticky. But he also went to my high school. So like we knew of each other. So then he saw this video.

And he was like coming to New York to move here. And was like, oh, I'm going to meet that girl. So he came to my show. So he moved here from your hometown and said I'll go find her. Kind of he moved from San Francisco.

So he. Where are you from? Connecticut. Okay. We grew up in Connecticut together.

He moved to San Francisco live there for a while. And then we followed each other. Mm-hmm. And then when he moved back to New York. He was like, I'm going to go to the show.

And he was supposed to go on a date that night. And then cancel to come to my show. You know, it's a beautiful story. I like it. The thing that I'm like zoning in on is like we live in this world of like you can meet anyone.

You can go on the app and meet anyone, right? Any town. You can switch your town to make it so you can date in Austin or wherever you want to go. And we find that a lot of stories, not to like diminish your story, not to say it's not its own original tale. But a lot of people go.

We went to the same high school. We knew the same people. We knew the same street signs.

The same teachers and third grade.

And there's something that that familiarity gets the ball rolling in a different way. Causes a connection to start in the way that maybe you needed these days, where yeah. Meeting someone out of the blue and nowhere doesn't really get you there. I do think like that added to the excitement of it. Because it was like, oh my god, I, you know, he was very cool in high school.

And I was like, oh my god, he's coming in my show. Right. And I also knew his reputation. I do think if like a random person came to my show. Yeah. And it was like, she's going to be my wife.

I'd be like, oh, interesting. But like, I knew him. He come near show saying she's going to be my wife. Well, he does now. That's the way you see it.

You're like, he came with the ring. He came with the ring. He put her back in his pocket. He put her back in his pocket. He put her back in his pocket.

Oh, I'm saying is like, I manifested. It is funny. This is such a, like, to me, like, the, I was in a wedding dress. I'm crazy. It's like, no, you're doing a fun show. It was really fun. Yeah.

And it took, but I do think I have been, I was on dates before that, where I told a guy that.

And I could immediately see him being like, this is never going to happen.

Really? Yes. You're like, this is my one, you know, this is the show I'm doing. I'm doing a wedding dress show. It's a fake wedding.

Yeah. And they were like, oh, online, I'm going to bail. Interesting. Yeah. And then I, you get the side hug and you get the, like, it was really nice to meet you. And I was like, cool.

I was dating for you. What, what did you enjoy dating? Were you the, I need to get out of this hell hall. What's, what's your dating perspective?

“I went through, I think at first it was very frustrating because I have this, like,”

very hopeless romantic fantasized view. And I really, yeah. You mean, you mean, it's only the girl who said that my boyfriend showed up with a wedding ring at my show and wants to marry me has a romantic view of things. I'm very, very hopeless romantic.

But I also think once I accepted that about myself and I was just kind of like, this is who I am. Yeah. The minute I stopped like playing coy of like, maybe he'll notice me was when I felt like dating was fun. When I was like, this is it. Take it or leave it.

Okay. So I think that that's a good advice for people out there. Yeah. Again, like, there is like a butt for every seat. There's a someone for a, you know, there's a foot for every shoe.

You could do this in a million different ways.

And it's like, it is funny that these little tiny things that we get written in about or the things I hear from women, the cries of a million women that I hear every week. A lot of them, like, that doesn't matter. That no, that doesn't matter. Yeah.

I think guys are way more, way easier more. I think like, it's very simple. It is very simple. Yeah. I'm an overthinking people pleasing hopeless romantic.

There's a lot going on here. What a combo. I mean, that's a great t-shirt. You should make it. It is.

See, that sentence again. I made it. Oh, what did I say? You just said it in a way. Can we do a rewind on the edit?

“I am an overthinking people pleasing hopeless romantic.”

What you just said was like expiallidosis. That was the super frasualistic. Yeah. That was Mary Poppin shit. It is.

And I'm magical. So it is a whole thing. I also just think it's like, I learned to handle myself and like, someone else will too. Yeah.

It's pretty. That's another t-shirt. I've learned to handle myself. Someone else will too. You're full of merch ideas today.

Oh, good. So we have some emails. It's a Friday feels. We would love for you to subscribe to the show. Let us know in the comments how you are, how you're feeling, how you feel.

The episode is going. I think it's going great. So far. Test. Walked in with dead dog energy and then brought it.

Okay. The dog is dead, but not test. She's bringing it today. I know I'm bringing it. Rest in peace Wilson.

Shout out Wilson. Oh, hey.

“But what I want to do today is not to make a lot of students.”

They mess up every day, laptop, software, the internet. And so much, I'm so sorry. You can say, you can go back to school. Yeah. You've got a career, right?

But you don't do anything. I don't know. You've got a job. You've got a job. You've got a job.

And when you work, you've got a house. Do you have a house? That's right. Safe. How does it work?

Goldie, your money is back now. Now it's time for us to go out. It's your starting start for the morning. We'll go to the next city and the next "Price" in the home. For example, "Fair Mini" is only 24-28.

Or "Garden Touch" in Scheren, only 1-2-80. We'll go to the next "Price" in our "Price" and "Exson App" in the action. No price. We're going to do the episode. We have an email.

We have a red flag and deal breaker. What I want you to do is one subscriber of the benefits we are doing updates with Jordana. Our co-host, she's on maternity leave, she will be back. We're going to get updates and you can hear Jordana, the banter that we have that you have come to love.

I assume if you like this show, that's on the benefits episode sign up 5 bucks a month, gets you two extra episodes a month, it gets you early access to the episodes, no ads. That's fun. And then I'm on the road. This is going to come out.

I'm going to Salt Lake City, Utah, Tempierra, Zona, I've never been to Tempierra, Zona.

I'm excited. I don't know. You don't know. Well, Tempierra has a reputation of the Tempie Improv, like as a known good club. You know, these clubs that you hear about that are like, "That's a good one.

I've heard this a good one." So I'm excited to do it. I'm also going to be an LA Los Angeles. I'm coming to La La Land. I don't do that often.

I'm going to do one night, one night, only part of the Netflix is a joke. That's the whole. Very excited for it. Also, also, also, I have a book. The book, yes, walking red flag, it is coming out in June.

We are in pre-order, okay? What does that mean?

New York Times bestseller list. This is a reaction. I go, "Hey, Dad, you know, if I do pre-order well, I can get on the New York Times bestseller list." He goes, "He had a full choke.

He couldn't believe that I was even saying New York Times bestseller." I want to, so now it has become my goal to be a New York Times bestseller author, which

would be crazy, because I've never even read a book, so like that would be like insane.

So I want you to go pre-order, walking red flag. I will say this. The feedback that I have gotten has been actually touching. It is from women who are like, "I actually, V, you've read some of it." And V, you know, it's not like I pay V, I do actually sometimes, so the feedback has

been that this makes me, this makes dating more fun for me. This is like a really cool look at a vulnerable man that's not pandering.

“So I think that's hard to find these days.”

I think a lot of the dating advice from straight men is pandering, or it is them being a total piece of shit. I am walking the tip. I do have a woman's voice in it. I put this through women, though, purposely.

So I have a ghost writer, Taylor Phillips, who's like a hilarious comic. She writes for John Oliver, like, as far as resume items, that is like the top of top comedy writers you could be. We met with each other. We had this great vibe.

I was like, I want to tell you these stories, and I want to make sure that you can give

me feedback on these stories to like, you know, I want to be called out. I don't want to just be me, you know, man talking from cloud telling women what to do. And this is for everybody. You don't have to be a woman to read this book. And, you know, you want to be inclusive, but I can only speak from my point of view.

So Taylor, we created this like character, Vera, who like talks back to me, like asked me questions. So like, the book is kind of like a back and forth and the back. It's personal stories, I get very personal in a way that I can't be on a podcast. So yeah, walking red flag, that's my commercial.

So let me just, are we ready to do the emails?

“Yes, I'm so excited to meet your book to have you here, and for you to read my book.”

Yes, at test, Greg, red flag or deal breaker, this is the game that's sweeping the country. I don't know if you know about it. Yeah, all right. You're dating someone, one thing happens.

Is that a red flag?

You see it, you notice it, you stay with it or it's a deal breaker, you end it side

on scene. You ready? Yep. Dear J and J and T, long time listener here, though, through boyfriend's breakups, Hawkel summer, situationships, and most recently an engagement, I have been chosen.

Look at that. How is that? That's such a funny way to put it. - I know. - I know you were a hopeless romantic when you heard

Chose and you were like, "Oh." - It's like, "Pick me, Chose, me, love me." And then he said, "Yeah, you know what I mean?" - I, it puts so much responsibility on the guy. - God forbid, you have a responsibility.

- I know, I'm sorry, I don't want that.

“I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't.”

That doesn't, but that, come here, 'cause to me, I know, I love chocolate, doesn't mean fuck vanilla, but I've been chosen to, makes it sound like all these other where I was like, "No, I don't choose you." Like, I'm not that bad.

- Yeah, but we kind of love that. - I'm hoping you can help me settle a score with my fiancé. - Okay, we will help a chosen woman, settle a score with her fiancé.

Sounds like the marriage is gonna be great. - Yeah. - I'm 33, he's 36. We met on a dating app and had been together about three years.

While we have a fun, happy, healthy relationship early on, he randomly told me he thought I was an eight out of 10 ha. - A solid eight out of 10, eight. - He doubled down? - Yeah, you can't say solid.

- You can't say solid. - Also, you're a solid eight out of 10. - Someone called me solid, I'd be like, you think I'm fat, get out. - Right, solid, no.

- It's like big bone, you know? You're like, hold on. - Yeah, you could play, like, line back. - Yeah. - You're like solid, you're like a brick out.

You totally, like a slab of concrete. Words, sounds, even if they don't mean solid eight out of 10 and it does sound like you are a brick shit house. It doesn't sound like the lead is a solid eight. - Exactly.

- I get what he's saying, 'cause I, you know, I'm broset a stone, I can speak this language. Which he still maintains today, even after I've teased him about it. His reasoning, it's a good rating.

- Woo! - Wait, it is a good rating in a world where romanticism doesn't exist. - Yeah, we might have the longest guest of all time. - Truly.

- To take this guy's side in any form, considering the magic that you want to happen. - Yeah. - I know I can turn a few heads at the local denies, but I'm no Margot Robbie or J.Lo.

Yet he sticks by that definitely above average rating she wrote in quotes. That means he said definitely above average.

- Yeah, but even to say it that way,

now you've down, now you've gone to week eight out of 10. Not solid. - It's solid, yeah, yeah. - Cheers. - Okay.

“- And honestly, it's making me wonder if the person you love”

can't be your number one hype person, what are we even doing here? - Mm. - Fair. - So please, J and J and T is unwelcome honesty

about your attractiveness, a red flag, or a deal breaker, many things, a sort of beautiful bride. - A sort of beautiful bride, yeah, so what do you think? Your partner says to you, "Tess, you're like an eight out of 10."

- Which is pretty good. - I would be hurt by that for sure. I would be like, and then double down solid, definitely average. - Don't get me wrong.

- Let's play that out. - Let's play that out. - If you said a solid. - Tess, oh man, you look great tonight. You're like an eight out of 10.

- No, no, no, no, no. A solid. - A solid eight out of 10. - Eight out of 10. - I would say.

- It doesn't sound good in any way. - There's no good way out. - There's no good. And it sounds like it's like a backhanded compliment. My immediate thing would be to be like,

"Okay, if I'm an eight out of 10, you're a six out of 10." You want to play this game? Like, it becomes eight out of 10. - I don't like even that game. Like, 'cause that game isn't an honest,

because you're, you know, when it comes to your girlfriend, when it comes to your significant other, they are something magical to you. - Exactly. - To put it in context of how the world would feel

about you as if you're a slice of pizza on the bar stool, tore of pizza slices. - Yes. - That's kind of what he's doing. And this is why I don't like the bit.

- He needs, yeah, it becomes very mean very quickly. Also, he, women in our heads, we know, she said it herself. I know I'm not Margot Robbie. That's her ideal of a 10 out of 10.

But his ideal of a 10 out of 10 has to be her. - Right. - He needs to say she's beautiful so many times that she starts to believe it.

She should never write a sort of beautiful bride,

never. - Well, it's funny. Like if we, you know, if, you know what's funny, if we, the way she wrote the beginning of this email is exactly what you're talking about.

She says that I have an engagement. She writes, "Long time listener here, "through boyfriends, breakups, "hochoral summers, situationships, "and most recently an engagement.

"I've been chosen." Now, if we broke down, I've been chosen and it would sound ridiculous. We'd go, who's the guy that chose you? And then she'd bring over this dumpy dude

with cargo shorts on and we'd be like, "That's not chosen." - That's not chosen. - We'd be like chosen by who this loser. But we don't do that.

She is living in the magic. She's going, "I've been chosen. "This guy wanted me of all the other women "and he could have had." And she chose me even though he had no other choices.

- Right. - You know what I do? - But I do think that even though she jokes with him about it. You know, she's like, "Oh, you know, he's doubling down on it.

"She's joking with him." She, I think she has to be like, "This really hurts me. "You need to stop." And then he'll be like, "Oh, shit.

“"If you want him to change you have to be like,”

"I'm hurt. "This isn't funny." - He needs like conversational coaching. - Yeah. - Because what he's saying, when you say to like,

when you say, like he's got, "there's a long way back from this." - Yeah. - He can't just say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." You have to say, no, I, I made a huge mistake.

Like, you have to go to him because here's what he's doing.

And I've noticed that this is happening for a lot of men. I don't like it, you know, Dave Portnery, who has built a huge unbelievable media company. You can't deny that. The pizza reviews that he does are a fun video to watch.

They are absolutely wonderful. You go to these weird haunts and he does his personality and it's fun and he kind of plays the part of, you know, snobby, media mogul. I would say that Dave Portnery is playing Vince McMahon.

Like he is WWE to its core. Which I respect, I love the bit. I would say if I met Dave Portnery, I would say the bit would probably like in person a little bit less than that.

I don't think he's actually that in person, but I think he plays it really well because every scandal, every article,

“everything he is, the annoying CEO, which I think is great.”

What I see is a lot of men of a certain type will try to copy the bit. You know, they'll say it's a 7.6. They'll say, and I'll get asked of this. People will say, well, you know,

I used to make fun of trickery boards. - Right. - And then people will say, well, what do you rate it? And I would go, I don't rate it, I talk about it. I'm a sportsmith, I'm a guy who, I like a good,

I like to put a pen to paper. I like to have fun describing it and comparing it to things in my life and putting together a poem of sorts. - Yeah, does it make me a douchebag, maybe,

but in a different way than Dave Borgoy? I'm not trying to do his bit. This to me, when you say you're an eight out of 10, but it's solid, you are trying to play someone else's bit.

- And I don't buy it, don't think it's interesting. Don't think it's funny. Don't think you are deserving of going the route of mogul CEO because you're not. - Yeah.

- That's where it follows a part.

When you're a, you have, you know, a $50 million house

and you go, the pizza slice, yeah, $7.3, it's funny. And it's core. This isn't funny, this isn't even entertaining. - It's also just don't rate women, period. - Right, well, like, you know, we all rate somebody.

I don't rate women, I mean, we used to do this thing on my podcast called The Area Code Method and it was because it was very college, okay? I will admit very college. - This is very college.

- This is very college. - He's my mother-in-law from the solid eight out of 10. - Solid eight out of 10. - Right, you can't, like, pass the age of 22, you go,

“- Dude, you know we live in the real world now, right?”

We used to do an area code method and it was because it was a buddy of mine that I went abroad with. He had the area code method, face body personality, which is actually more progressive than solid eight out of a 10 in my opinion.

You're including the personality. - Yes, and there are more words. Women love words, numbers, not interested. Tell me, I'm eloquent, beautiful, polkertudinist, that's an absolutely stunning word

to describe. - Repeat that word. - It's beautiful, it sounds ugly, but it means beautiful. - No, I'm into it. - Polkertudinist, make it abstract.

Why are we getting eight out of 10? - Yeah, look her in the eye, be like, you're polkertudin. - Polkert, yeah, is it polkertudinist? - Polkertudinist? - Polkertudinist?

- She is a polkertudinist smile or something. - I love those polkertudinists. - Yeah, polkertudinists, exactly. That would be better than eight out of 10. - Right, like eight out of 10 is brutal, it's just bad.

I mean, he should hear this because not only does he sound bad to women, but he sounds like a hack to men. - Yes.

“- So that's what I'm telling you, as a guy,”

like if he was like, the Eric or method isn't much better,

but I do think I would always say men or women can use it.

Like if a woman said, yeah, I'm dating a guy, he's a, you know, a five, seven, nine. Like a lot of men would go, I get it to like, for, okay, I get it. - Face, body, personality.

- Yeah. - If they were like five, seven, nine, a lot of guys would go, yeah, I tricked you into this with my great personality. - I think personality can change a score, if you will,

but no matter what, you're 10 out of 10. - He did just get rid of the numbers, it doesn't help you. - He needs to grow out of eight out of 10 and change into my beautiful wife. - That's what you gotta do.

- Well, grow up. - Well, it sounds like a lie, I think for him to come back to this. - But he doesn't think she's ugly, he just sees not lying. - This is such a mistake. - It's such a mistake.

- I think it haunts him for the rest of his life. - And she keeps making fun of him because it's still her turn. And she's making a joke out of it to cope and he's not getting up, he's doubling down. - Is there any way back from this?

- Your boyfriend says you're a solid eight out of 10. - I think the first time it happened, I would have been like crying and then that would be bad. - Right, and then, well, then he'd have to fix the crying. - He fixed that immediately and then he'd be like,

I'll never do that again.

But they're engaged. - So I think she can, I think, I think, well, he's 36. - The worst thing about this is, he's not really realizing that it's not funny.

- It's not funny. - And he, and I think that's probably what scares her. - She's funnier. I can't, I know I can't, I know I can turn hands at the local Delhi.

We both laughed at that. - Yeah, right. - She's funnier, it seems hotter. - But it's not even, this isn't a competition. - But it became a competition now.

- Right, but I've been chosen. - Now we have to, well, that's why I don't like saying, I've been chosen. Like, I don't want to be looked at and go by who. - Yeah, yeah.

- I mean, that's why I don't want to not choose someone. That's why I don't like the wording of chosen. You know, in the same way that Anna 10, who the fuck are you? I mean, for him to say Anna 10, now it becomes, you know, when you point the finger,

three, three point back at you. - Yeah. - So if I said someone's an Anna 10, then they go, who are you? - Yeah.

- And now you have nothing to stand on. - Yeah. - And it's like, because people use to say that, it's dark, you know what you know about means to choose. I don't know anything.

- Right. - That's why I go words.

“- You know, like, that's why I do a fucking poem, you know?”

- Yeah, and it's like, it's objective. When you put numbers to it becomes more solid. - Right, so this guy is a deal breaker. If it happened while you were dating, I don't know how you'd come back from it as a data.

Now that you're engaged, I think there's a talk that has to happen. I think you have to say to him, like, hey, I get hurt just thinking about this. And I'm listening to this podcast

and there's a dude that's saying that you sound not funny doing it. - Yeah. - So I probably agree with a lot of people. I don't think anyone, like, I also know this.

When your friends start to get married, when men start to get married, they talk about, you know, they talk about women changes immediately. Like the idea of like, who's hot,

who's not, you know, a lot of people pull out of that game. Because the minute they're not sitting there on potential, now they're sitting there with, here's the relationship I'm in.

and called out and having to hear

what someone else thinks of their relationships. So they pull back. - Yeah. - It is this guy will pull back, but I don't want this to be your lasting memory

of how he used to be before that. Kind of like, when he did brag about his girlfriend. - Yeah. (upbeat music) So let's do some emails.

You ready? - Yes, I'm ready to read. - You'll be at betches.com. Test you're gonna read this email. Let's get to it.

Listen, this podcast is a solid 10 out of 10. - It's a 10 out of 10. - We're killing it. - We're having a lovely time, and it doesn't even need to be rated.

- Well, we do do do do. I would actually say we do on Apple and... - No for me. (laughing) You can read on the many different platforms, please.

God rated us that help us a lot. - Great, not me. - Yeah, do you know, right test? She's doing a great job. You can abstracts, maybe a color, color something for me,

but I don't need a number. - Okay. - Just write in the comments that "Test and Jared, we're Paul." - Yes, my agent, wait, why don't you?

- Paul G, yes. (laughing) They were Paul G, a modding. Is that how you say it? - Who?

- Paul G, a modding. - Paul Agaki. - Paul attended us. - Paul attended us. - Paul attended us.

- Okay, I'm gonna read the next email. - Go for it. - Hey, Jared and Jordananna, and guest, that's me. - That's you. My boyfriend, 28, male, and I, 26, female are thinking

about moving in together. - Do you live with your boyfriend? - We're about to move in together. - Whoa! - Literally in two weeks.

So this is perfect. - Where are you guys moving? - Brooklyn, downtown Brooklyn. - Downtown Brooklyn. - Yeah, baby.

- One bedroom, two bedroom. - One bedroom. - Look at that. Okay, so we are gonna be on top of one another. We are moving in.

- Watch your dryer in unit on tight. - Whoa. - Whoa. - Yeah, look at betches is paying. - It's a planet as well, okay.

- Okay, we've been dating over a year

“and our relationship is honestly amazing.”

I love him so much, and I really feel like he's the one. And he feels the same about me. And I can imagine our relationship being healthier. - I love it. - Part of the reason we're considering it is practical.

Living in New York is expensive, yes. And with our commutes and worst schedules, we don't see each other's often as we'd like. So moving in would make life easier and give us more time together.

Typical NYC relationship thing, that's true. That said, okay. I've been feeling some unexpected anxiety about this next step. It's not about him or us.

It's more like fear of the unknown.

We've never lived with a partner before

and the idea of changing our routines to sharing his space makes me feel nervous. I keep asking myself, what if things are better the way they are now? What if living together changes everything?

Am I moving too fast? Part of me is excited and ready, but this other part of me keeps spiraling with what ifs. I hear you girl. I usually handle my anxiety well,

but this feels different. I wonder if it's a tiny avoidance streak sneaking in. Even though I've always thought of myself in an anxious attachment, this thing, we gotta get coffee.

Wait a minute, you're a full human being with multiple, you know, she's so stuck in these labels. I love, I think. An anxious attachment, oh my god.

“I think this is all bullshit and stupidity.”

Oh my god, so much talking about. Has anyone else felt this kind of anxiety before a big relationship step? How do you overcome overthinking? Girl, let me know, oh my god.

And just enjoy moving forward with someone you truly love. Have it to share an address terrified to think about the future. Okay, so test, you're moving in with your boyfriend,

you're in a half, this is the timing.

Also, first, first man I've ever lived with.

I've ever lived with. Yeah, and I've been living alone for five years. So how do you feel, so this is kind of reflecting how you're feeling right? Yeah, I really resonate with her.

I also, like, I feel very confident that we'll live well together. But I also hear her anxiety of like, oh my god, we're in a new space. Like, how's this going to work?

There will be conflicts. So like welcoming that. I'm really worried about my digestive system and like how I'm going to go back to oil. One toilet, we got a sound machine.

So I think like, let's think about that girl. Okay. So I'll refresh next to the toilet. That's all the way. Yeah.

“I also always candles, always matches, it's important.”

Right, how do you deal with spritzes on the mirror? You clean them right away. Right away. Oh my god.

I actually make sure your guy listens to this episode. But also in my room. I just spritz all over that mirror and it's going to get cleaned when the housekeeper comes.

Okay, as long as you have a housekeeper. Yeah, but it won't be right away. That's not, that could be changed. Okay. It takes two seconds.

But also, I like the test. I was like, okay, but also I am the more messy one. Okay, that's good. I have a lot more clutter, a lot more things. I actually have become cleaner in our relationship.

So I actually have grown a lot. No decision to sink when the night ends. Like, I have grown. But I hear her anxiety.

Right. But I'm also excited.

And it feels like it is such a big step.

But it doesn't have to be. So I'll give some perspective as someone who has moved in with someone who has moved out. So I've done both.

Okay. I've done the thing that people would probably be afraid of going in. They'd be like, oh my God, what if we break up? And I have to move out.

Well, I'll say to you from the other side, it works out. It's fine. You're going to be okay. If you move in and then move out, you're going to be fine.

You're going to learn about yourself. You're going to learn about what you're looking for. You're going to, it's all going to be positive at some point. It's going to feel negative in the moment. But you're going to be okay.

“I think she needs to let go of all of these.”

I think the her biggest problem is not being is holding back from being excited about this moment. Yeah.

She wrote in the beginning, our relationship is amazing.

I love him so much. I really feel like he's the one. He feels the same about me. I can't imagine our relationship being healthier. One in the maze, I wish I had that amount of just delusion.

Like I wish I had that. Like it's so lovely. Isn't it nice? So nice. If I'm looking at this email, and again, like, listen, when it comes to my own life,

I'm careful. I'm precious. I get it. I hear her anxiety. I'm thinking about the future.

I'm backing out of things because it's going to be hard. I'm telling her the same way I would tell myself. The second paragraph of this, she's got to get rid of it. Get rid of this shit. Part of the reason we're considering it is this practical, living in New York City's

expensive. The moods and our work schedule, we don't see each other as often as we'd like. So moving in would make life easier and give us more time together. Fuck that shit. Mm.

You're not moving in together because of New York. You're moving in together because you want to move in together. And build a life together. And you want to see what the next step feels like looks like. And that's a wonderful thing.

And it might not work out, but it probably will, because you are motivated and you're excited. Yeah. And I think when you bring up, then this happens all the time in New York. This whole idea of like we're moving in because look at economically and it's all an

excuse for you to hold back how excited you truly are. Yeah. I'm telling you, be a fucking idiot, delusional loser and get excited to let this, because I think that will wash away all the other stuff. The minute you start slowing down, this is good for me to hear too.

I think you need to hear this too. I thought this actually as I'm saying it. Because I, girl, anxious avoidant like I'm trying to be secure every day. I hear you and I also, I think there's so many logistics. Me personally, I get less overwhelmed with my relationship part of it and more overwhelmed

with the like, I am now deciding what couch this is. And me picking a couch for myself took forever. And now I'm also trying to pick a couch with someone else and I don't know what they're thinking. And it's like this like choice paralysis.

So I think I'll project onto this and be like, my anxiety about moving in is more about all the tasks and the decision making and the logistical organization of like moving physically.

“And I think that that can bleed into the like, well, like, what am I doing with this relationship?”

Right. It's like the minute you slow down, you know, you ever walk towards, I call it like the walk dance. You're a walk towards someone. Oh yeah.

And then they go one way. You go the same way. And then you go one way. They go. And now you're stuck in this one spot.

It's kind of like the, it's kind of like that. Yeah. If you know, you know how you don't have that happen, I figured out the answer to the walk dance. What is it?

If you look at where you're going and not the person in the eye, when you look the person in the eye, you follow them, you end up going like right into them.

If you look where you're going, you'll never go into them.

Right. You, you are setting the pace. So when you look towards where you're going, which is, I think what she needs to look at the Marin Say is, I have this great new apartment. I can afford it.

I'm going to move in with someone that I really have a great time with. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. That's all you have to say.

“That's why I like roll my eyes anxious, avoid it, avoid it, anxious, anxious.”

You know. But she's an overthinker. She's an overthinker. She thinks through all these things. But I'm saying if she just repeats to herself, I can afford it.

I have a great place. And I'm moving in with someone I like. Yeah. All that really matters here. Yes.

What a, give me one thing that matters beyond that. Oh, nothing. You're totally right. But I, as someone who had a mental, a little bit of a meant DB from choosing mattresses, like I, I hear you.

But if you said, we're getting this mattress. All right. Tell me, I'm, I'm your boyfriend that you're moving in with. We're getting this mattress. What?

That mattress? I, I haven't even laid on it. Can I see it? Where do I find it? Hmm.

So I don't like this game. What? What? What?

You're saying no to me. Right. Well, I haven't seen it. Let me see it. Where's the mattress?

It's coming in the mail.

“So you got in the mail and you need to even check them with me?”

Well, no, of course I did it.

What made you like it? Well, no, see this wouldn't happen because we would have talked about. Well, I'm just saying you, anything you, I'm saying if you made a decision to the mattress, you would have a reason for making that decision. Oh, of course.

Of course. Of course. So why'd you go to the mattress? Um, because we need a mattress. But we did it together.

Have you ever done a mattress shopping? I've got it. I like that they wear lab coats. Okay. The one I went to.

Do they wear lab coats? No. They used to at the mattress store. They would wear lab coats. They were doctors.

Oh my God. I'm your sleep expert. Can you imagine you go to work at a mattress store and they're like, here's your lab coat and that's a scope. And you're like, good luck.

I just think it's, you lay in the mattress and then they're talking to you while you're both like in bed and you're like, what is happening? It just feels weird. The mattress was a good decision that you enjoyed. It was a good decision.

You brought up the mattress. Of course.

Because at first I was like, these things are so expensive.

Like you move in together, it's, her saying, like, it's practical. It really, like, yes, maybe you're saving money on rent, but like, to buy new things and to like, move all your stuff in together, like, it costs money. You're not. So does any new place?

Exactly. And if you move in a loan, it will cost a hundred percent. No, yeah. A hundred percent on you. So yeah, it is right.

See, I can, but I can break down any quam you have above moving in with someone. Okay. Any, you bring up any issue you have moving in with your boyfriend. I will tell you why it is not an issue. Okay.

My biggest quam, and this is it with him. It's more just with moving. Okay. Couches. Okay.

I, I'm a guest. How expensive a couch can be. Okay. And I don't do well with choices. Also, I feel like I'm, I am the creative director of this endeavor.

Okay.

Which means I'm also particular.

Okay. So I want to try all the couches. Okay.

“I want to see all the options, whereas I think men and also say for Jackson, it's like,”

that's a great couch. Let's get that one. But we need to see all the other couches because if we don't see any of the couches, we don't know if we got a little bit of steel or if it feels right, did it it up.

Right. Over thinking. No, I think that's the right amount of thinking. Okay. Great.

Why is that over thinking? Because a couch is a couch. Yeah. But that's, that's how he thinks. Not how you think.

Right. Well, I've been, I've been to a few. What's your price range? I, well, what I really want to do is get it for free. Okay.

Because I want to sit on a couch and make a video and someone's like, that's your free couch. Okay. I also like, I think it's a, I don't know if you feel this way, but I think it's ingrained in me to find the deal, just my dad was a deal guy.

Like he was a coupons guy. So I'm like, how do I find a deal? And the best deal would be the best deal is for free. Yeah. So that's what I'm trying to do.

Okay. This is a reason to not move in with your boyfriend. Of course not.

“Yeah, but, and also, is it, let's look at the positive?”

Your boyfriend is good with any couch you choose. I know. How great is that? So, look at that. Look at that.

So I think this woman needs to do what we're doing right here. We need to, take a look at any decision. And just go, it's all good. Well, not just, it's all good. But like, I'm moving in with someone I like.

I got a great new apartment. And it is something I can afford. Yeah. Beyond that, all the other problems will wash away. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

And if you end up breaking up with each other, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. There's so many couches. Right. You could try.

Well, the couch you just go, do you want it? When I broke up, I said I would pay, you know, pay for everything, throw money at it. Mm-hmm. That is worse than a woman calling you to say that you didn't pay for enough.

No, that is worse than a woman's scorned. That's true. That's March. That's true. That's true.

That's true. That was so fun. This was fantastic. If you are a listener, this deep into the episode, that means you had a good time. I want you to subscribe to the episode.

Subscribe to the show, comment, let us know what you like, what you didn't like, any feedback. We'll take it. We'll look at it. Like, specific feedback.

I like when you say, like, minute 12, I disagree with this. Don't just say, Jared was rude. Like, that's not really feedback. That's not really caring about us. I want Jared, you're opinion on this, fucking sucks.

That's okay. And I'd like to just live in delusion, so these don't comment anything other than beauty and poker too, did he? Okay. So Paul Giamani for her, specifics for me.

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