Is He Avoiding Sex On Purpose? ft Dr. Naomi

The story is about the story and the story is about the story. No, I don't know. This story is my safe space. Do you know everything about it? Yes, exactly.

This story is the story of the story that I just understood. The story of the story is about the job or about it. The story is about the story of the story. The story is about the story. Save.

With this story. Hello and welcome to the U.A. podcast. I'm Jared Freed and I am joined by today's very special co-host. Doctor Naomi Bernstein, how are you? Good to see you.

Awesome to be here. Takes a village to cover a maternity leave, so it really does. It is a truly unbelievable thing.

“The way you go, Jordan, as I'm maternity leave and people are like, how can I help?”

What can I do? You hear so much negative. Don't you think? The noise is maternity leave isn't long enough. If I should get it for seven years and other countries do it this way.

But really, it is a beautiful thing when you're kind of involved with the maternity. I'm involved in the least way you could be involved. Just hearing how people have been so amazing. No, I totally agree. It's like, you know, when they say, look for the helpers, you know, you can look for

all the, you know, disappointing people and policy, but you can also look for the helpers, which is me. And you. Or help.

I've never been to help before.

This is new for me. I'm sure I've been to help. I've never been to help. I've never been to help before. I've never been to help before.

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I've never been to help before. I've never been to help before. I couldn't believe that that happened.

“You're like, "How is anyone allowing this to happen?"”

I was basically, and she had a kid with married. It wasn't like she was a girlfriend. That was crazy. I've seen that happen in real life. I've witnessed that scenario.

I want to ask you about true life scenarios before we get started. We want to go listen to oversharing. Go watch it. You can watch it on YouTube. Also Spotify, they have video.

They have bonus episodes called Calm The Fuckdown. Calm TF down. I like your bonus episodes because you do follow-ups. It's almost like the podcast you wish existed for every podcast. You hear back from people.

You do updates. You have these meditations that you can listen to. Get yourself to go to a baby shower when you don't want to. There's actual help going on there. I totally agree.

It is interesting. I got a little bit more personal in there. We recorded one where she talks about her serrigate and her birth story for the first baby.

I love a good update. We take feedback, which is that's a tough spot. We take feedback to your advice and positive. How does that feel as a doctor? I'm sure you're the doctor.

You're not to be disagreed with. I don't know. I hear what a doctor says and I take it under advisement.

But I'm never like that stupid fucking doctor.

How do you?

“Isn't there a point where you go on the one with the credibility here?”

Not your aunt who said the sunset early. That's why I feel this way. True. But I pride myself in practicing that. Nobody's perfect.

Especially when you're all you're getting is an email. You don't have, you know, someone say, well, you didn't think about this. I pride myself in being able to tolerate a little bit of criticism and practice not getting defensive. So I like being able to do that. And I'm not perfect. And I like to hear people's perspectives.

And part of a good therapy relationship is a back and forth. You can tell me it's different than a doctor that's like, okay, here's the test result. And here's the medication. Now, Dr. Naomi Bernstein, you can also sign up for individual or group therapy.

And you can get individual therapy with Dr. Naomi.

The website is NaomiBernstein.com. That's NaomiBernstein.com. It's going to be in the link. It's going to be in the bio of this episode where you can sign up for individual or group therapy. Here's my question related to individual and group therapy.

What's kind of in right now? You know, like, I know that's like a weird way to put it. But like, I would assume that there are, you know, there's kind of like what people work. What are people coming in for right now? What are people dealing with generally?

Because, you know, with the, the world today, I go on social media and then I walk away. I go, boy, it seems like people aren't doing well. But that's like a bad place to go because if, like, if you were told, yeah, you can go into that room and scream whatever you want. It's going to be a lot of negativity.

You know, because the real world is a little just less screaming. Yeah.

What are people coming to you for?

If I had to summarize real quick, I'd say, I want, I'll probably a lot of listeners to this show timeline stuff. I want to get on with the next stage of my life. And is this right? How long settling in to what I have now instead of seeking the next thing,

the partner, the new job, some of that. Some people are miserable at work. And they're trying to figure out, do I make a brand new change in the middle of, what feels like the middle of my life, even though you're probably 32.

“Can I tolerate this forever? Is this all there is kind of stuff?”

Is this it? Yes. Does that ever get bleak for you? Like, how do you convince someone it isn't it? Or like, do you say get a hobby?

Like, I'd be annoyed at that advice, but it's probably the advice I need. Right? Or maybe this is it. And you have to change your mindset for what it is that you think, because when you get to the next thing,

then you eventually get back to, is this it? Every time you make a new move, you eventually get back to that place of, oh, this is it. What do I need to do next? So my approach is more instead of changing what's going on outside of your life,

you have to change the way that you are approaching your mindset towards your life. So that's why the groups are great because the groups will take somebody who's 23 and just got broken up with. And then they'll have somebody who's 47 and going through a divorce with three kids. And then you'll have someone who's like, I don't want kids at all,

but I hate my job. And they're all in the same space together. Right? And that's got to be, that feels good.

“I think that's why I'm doing stand-up as it can be therapy sometimes,”

because you hear from so many different people going through so many different things. And you're like, yeah, everyone's got problems. Everyone's got tries and trips, you know? Like, I don't know. And then you hear like, you know, my parents are annoying,

your parents are annoying, my girlfriend. I don't know if it's the right one. I'm going through a breakup. I found love. You hear all the stories just out there.

And it's like, it does feel calming to know that like, it's all everyone's just trying to figure it out. Yes. And that's why I didn't mention that I came to your show a week ago today. You came to the show.

Okay, I actually, so I did a show in Dallas. You and Jeff came. It was so great to see you guys. I'm going to talk about my experience with you on benefits on our benefits episode. Okay. Because Jordana was having the baby.

And I just thought it was so funny. I'm like, I'm nervous for Jordana's baby. We haven't gotten an announcement. And you're like, I hope it lands on this date because these numbers are good. I'm like, listen, you witty bitch.

You almost made me feel better because I was like, is it happening?

You know, like, I was so nervous. But it was great to see you. I felt, I feel part of the, you know, the whole family with you and Jordana, all the, the siblings. So I'm going through it in the same,

you know, in the same way a brother would. I felt like day of the show was like the day that it was happening. That was crazy. That was kind of cool because the whole even in the drive down. I'm like, keep checking my messages and during the obviously I didn't check my phone.

I didn't check my phone during during the. For my show is, you know, I, I hate the thing I hate about a stand-up show is like, you have to calm people down during it. There's sometimes people yell out. But I'm like, I don't want to be the substitute teacher.

You know, like, I, you can be on your phone.

“If you want to be on your phone, just shut the fuck up while you do it.”

All right. Yeah, I didn't get you. Sorry. Okay. I tried my best.

I didn't go on stage and not do my best.

So you saw a show where someone yelled out during it, which I, what was your perspective on someone yelling out? You know, and sometimes because when family and friends see someone yell at me on stage, I know that they get like, like, my parents are like, just move on. Just move on.

They just don't want me. No, I like it. I like it when you get in there and like, you know, call them out. And if that were me, I would feel regretful for screaming out and interrupting somebody's show. The person did kind of, they messaged me.

So this person yelled out asking about Jordan and his babies, which is like, it is offensive to me during my show that has nothing to do with Jordan and his babies to go, hey, so what's going on with Jordan? It's like, wow, I really lost you. And so it is offensive.

And I noticed that they were taking pictures during the show.

“This person came for a different show than I was putting on.”

Which is, that can happen.

Everyone comes to a comedy show with different ideas of what it is.

Oh, he's going to talk to us. He's going to make fun of me. Everyone, all be on stage. No, you're not. That's not what my show is.

And when that doesn't happen, they go, I don't know. Well, we'll just act like we're at an Applebee's catching up. Right. And so then this woman yells out about Jordan and his babies. And I, you know, answered her and made fun of her.

And you, you know, the making fun of her isn't to like be mean to her. It's to communicate. This wasn't where the show is going. I'm sure you know, when you're someone's doctor of their therapist, you go, oh, they're not hearing this.

Right. And I kind of know they're not hearing this. And then they message me with their phone number after let's get together. I'm like, on what earth? Do I want to go out with my, you know,

with the person that was like being addicted to me, you know? Like how much of a, you know, how much confidence do you think I lack, you know? And so she probably didn't see it that way. She maybe thought she was being funny or, but right. I don't think people realize how much work I do when I watch a comedy show goes into the timing.

It has all about that whenever I try to retell a joke, I mess it up every time because it's the timing. And so if someone ruins your flow, I could see that being really, I know.

“Yeah, because then you have to get, you have to readjust.”

You have to make fun of this person and then bring people back to the beginning. Like I have to make fun of them. I have to have the audience be on board. I can't be too mean. It's a man talking to a woman.

I'm like, you know, that's a tough dynamic. Yeah. And, you know, it is a lot of psychology. Like I have to worry, but I have to worry about the psychology of a thousand people sitting in front of me. Yeah.

And not to make it more than it is. I'm talking about farts and penises. So like it's fine. But like I do have a moment where I'm like, I appreciate when you say that because I'm like, There's so many factors.

I can't tell one single retell a single joke without it. Maybe it was like, maybe mine are that funny to read. No. But I really appreciate a lot of effort goes into it. So when I feel you, when it's two years of writing, really.

It takes two years for a special to really be kicking. And, you know, the material that I'm talking about is from years ago too. Like I'm talking about a trip I took to Europe that was years ago that I'm like bringing back those memories. That's difficult to do. And then I'm talking about like, you know, dealing with my family.

And, you know, it is when it works. Nothing feels better in the entire world. Like when it, when it's chugging along with stericol. Like we were at the people behind me. We're cackling in my ear.

Like Jeff was hysterical. It was, it was a great time. And it was a great day. We ended up with a baby after that too. And we got a baby.

So listen, Dr. Naomi, you're going to answer a couple of emails with me. We want everyone to go follow Dr. Naomi. Go oversharing the group and individual therapy. It's on up at NaomiBernstein.com. Okay, let's play it at your picket. You ready? Let's do it.

I have a quote of the day before we get into it. You ready? Because this is a quote you give, but I want you to explain it. Because I feel it, but I want you to explain it. When the pain of the pain is greater than the pain of the change you change.

So this is originally a quote that comes from addiction recovery.

So that's where it originally comes from in the sense of

when the pain of the life that you're living as an addict is worse than the pain that it will take for you to change. Then you'll do whatever it takes.

“And I think this works well for dating also.”

In the sense that, you know, pain that of being on your own and if you isn't that great, if you love your life, if you're busy, if you're traveling, if you're having fun, if you have lots of friends, you love your job. Then the pain of the pain probably isn't greater than the pain of the change. And we'll listen to any amount and see what the pain of the changes.

But we can discuss this once with the pain of the changes in terms of doing things differently in dating, or maybe being vulnerable or what we'll see what. So the pain of the change, let's bring it back to like alcohol. The pain of the pain is, I wake up with a hangover every morning. The pain of the changes, I have to go to a bar and not have the social lubricant of alcohol.

Yep. That's what it is. So it's trade-offs. And I think that's maybe like the biggest problem with dating is, and the biggest problem I'm sure that you see with someone going,

is my life where it should be at 40 is, are they okay with trade-offs? You know, I deal with my mom every day.

She has never understood the idea of trade-offs.

Like when I'm like, "Hey, I found a new apartment." She's like, "Is there a Butler's pantry?" And I'm like, "Well, I couldn't afford the Butler's pantry." But I do have a second bedroom, which makes me feel really happy. Well, how many parking spots? You have seven parking spots?

No, no, it doesn't come with seven parking spots. It comes with two. Well, what will you do with your bicycle tires? Where will you put them? And I'm like, "Well, I'll make a trade."

There's a trade-off. I have to put my bicycle tires in the second parking spot. You know, like, and I think it's funny. You know, I wish I didn't have to deal with trade-offs. I wish we could have everything.

But you can't have it all as, and it sounds depressing.

But how do you, how do you do a positive spin on? I'm dating someone who I love, but I can't have it all. It's kind of what this is saying. Yeah, and that's very true. I think the best way to look at it.

I've been married for almost 20 years, right? And you guys seem happy. When I see you two together, there's an energy. Let me give you feedback as a couple. There is.

There's fun energy. You seem to like each other. There's a little bit of ballbusting going on. There's love there. There's, and there's like a, and let me just say,

some sexual tension between you and your husband. Like, you could, there's a palpable. I can't say that for everybody. How do you, what, how do you do that? There's a lot of things that he is and that we are.

And there's a lot of things that he isn't, and that we aren't. And for us, I think, like, I mean, I mean, I mean, so I do think physical attraction is important because it makes the other things more tolerable. There's that trade off, right? Like, if you're physically attracted to someone, they're a little bit less annoying,

or the things that they do that are irritating are less irritating.

“But I think in terms of not focusing on the, this is the mindset piece, right?”

We don't enjoy the same hobbies, really, Jeff and I. Like, he's foodie, he likes to cook, he likes to eat. I like to play sports. I like to climb rocks. I like to, you know, we don't, yeah, Jeff sounds like my type.

He does, he likes wine, he likes foodie, he's very sensory, like music, all that, you know. And I like music, but I'm not, I'm not spending a whole day just listening to albums. So, but if I focused on that, and I was like, I heard you guys, you and Brian did one about someone in different music tastes, and I thought they were like indie bands. Absurd.

Yeah, it's absurd. Like, I'm married 20 years. If I decide that I can't be with him because he likes, you know, this band, and I don't, that's the point of like, if when you're dating, if you're focusing on these and nitpick you little hobbies that I like or I don't like, that's where I think you're going to get to.

I have a question for you because as a single man, 40 years old, I get asked, will you meet my friend all the time. And I get asked by my parents, relatives, friends, DMs, moms and my DMs. Yeah, that's flattering. That's flattering.

It's very flattering. But, and then here's a lot of times. And this is something that people around as you get older. The feedback is not, no one wants to hear it.

“If I say not my type, the feedback always is like, who are you to even have a type at this point?”

And they don't say that in those many words. No one has that. That's what you're interpreting. That's the vibe I get back. Okay.

They're beautiful. And it's like not my type isn't that they're ugly to me. I have been dating for long enough to know that this is a type that I have data before

You know, so I'm like, that's not my type.

And it's usually someone that's like very like, you know, someone's trying to fix me up and then it's like a very like, societally skinny blonde. Let me give a societal type of hot chick. You know, skinny blonde. And I'm like, they're not my type.

You know, I like a curvy, a curvy woman. Like, I've said this enough times on the air. And it's like, stop sending this skinny blonde. Right. Well, I'm like, look at my for you page. It's a bunch of, you know, big-titted models.

You know, like, I'm sorry.

I, and, but then the feedback is like, well, you, you seem like almost crazy.

“Do you think not my type is enough of a reason to not go on a first date with someone?”

Well, I think this might be controversial, but I do think in some ways for not my type sounds more of like a sexual, like you could look at a tall blonde to be like, she looks beautiful. Like a painting, like a beautiful painting. Sexually, there's probably something not happening there in the same way. So I think some people don't get that.

And I think for a man that's probably a little bit different. Maybe then for a woman in different, it means more to a man than a woman. Yeah, because I think men are wired to be sexually looking around a little bit more. I'll give you an example. This is like a very crazy example. Especially after kids. What do you mean?

I think when a woman has kids, it's like she's focused on this family and this little unit. And I think there's just a different, if you're not getting your sexual type as a man, in a relationship, it's a little bit more dangerous versus a woman. I think, and this is stereotypical, so everyone's going to come for me.

“But that's why we're going to make a clip out of this.”

Because I believe in what you're saying. For a man, if they say not my type, stop pushing. That would be my view of it, but from the therapist's point of view, would you say, would you agree with that? If what you're saying is true, if you're showing a woman a tall handsome blonde, right? And she prefers a dark hair, dark eye guy.

I don't think that's going to matter, right? Or like if she prefers a beefier guy and this is a skinnier guy, I don't think for women come, again, feedback, right? Let's hear it. Go on. Say it. Say your piece. I don't think that's going to affect the ability for a long-term future in the same way for a woman.

If they're both attracted, like you're saying tall, beautiful blonde, versus a curvy, brunette, shorter, maybe, whatever it is, I don't think for a woman that's going to change the long-term future if they're both, like, conventionally attractive people, and you could find them attractive. That's sexual craving for a certain type of body.

“I think is going to be more of a problem on the guys end.”

If we're talking about heterosexual relationships here, then on a one. I think that's an interesting thing to look at, because I do think you get proposed people. Like I went on a date with Brooks Nader, the swimsuit model, like keeping up with the Nader.

It was part of their show, and I went on the date with her, and she was, like, totally amazing and awesome.

And I was like, this is why she's a super bottle. Like her personality is something that I was, like, infatuated by. But I did say to myself, weirdly, me, grossy, you know, dumpy, juicy. And I'm sitting here going, she's not my type.

Like I, and I was like, I was like, she's beautiful. And I think what you do with that is there's a section. There might be a sexual craving for another type of physical body if I'm not getting that with this person. Right. And it was just so weird to think, I was like, because someone would look at me and go, you,

like, you don't want to marry her. And I'd be like, no, I wasn't really there. I don't know. It's just a weird thing. I want to hear from the people, I'm curious to see, I think, not my type for a woman.

I think means maybe more like, I'm not attracted to this person. Interesting. And not my type for a man means like, I'm not that excited about having sex with this person. Right. I guess I would say, I would still have sex with them, not my type. But I'm going to have my eyes looking out for the other one.

The way I sweat for someone is different. You know, the chemical, physical, animalistic, you know, drool, it's for a different type. Right. You know, and I don't know.

I think about this a lot, because I'm like, I do get presented with so many nice, beautiful women.

I saw the line say a lot. Keep both of mine around this theater.

“I was going to wait and hang out, say hi to Jared and then I saw this line.”

I was like, I can't wait. Beautiful women after woman on this line. And it's all of them.

Absolutely worthy of love and an amazing relationship like that.

That's a thing. I can't fuck them all. So... It's time to start the show. Endeca mayor of TripAdWiser.de

Shrekstrich. Great Britain. It's time to start the show. With action in quality and the smallest price in hand. For example, only 24 hours, 28 hours.

Or every day, only 1,2 and 80 hours. Endeca, now all products in our film and in the action app. Action, small price, big joy. There's an egg here, picky. So we are going to tell people if they're being too picky.

They have the egg. We get to judge. Is it an egg? Or are they being too picky?

“Long timeless or writing to you after a conversation has left me feeling very lost and insecure.”

I'm feeling a bit turned off. Maybe that's just me being picky. I'm a 34 year old woman living in Toronto. In October, I started talking to this guy. 37, who is the same creative field as I am.

We really started to vibe. In early November, we began meeting up and have been seeing each other pretty regularly since then. Once a week or so, I really enjoyed the time I spent with him. And he's probably one of the gentlest and warmest human beings I've ever met.

But I'm having a really hard time gaging where he's at and how he feels. We have had some conversations that have illuminated quite a bit about the situation. He has been divorced for a few years. He's been single since then.

I'm the first person he's dated or a kiss since then.

And he's been pretty closed off for the last few years. I'm trying my best to trust that these are true. We have been somewhat intimate second base or something like that. But he revealed to me in a voice note today that something much deeper than biology is blocking him right now.

And he wants to take things slow. I have to say, considering the current pace, I'm not sure what slow means. And the whole conversation made me very suspicious. Definitely should have been a call. I even suggested that.

One part of me is very jaded and things. This is a buffer to keep me in arms length and keep me from expecting anything more, which hurts a lot. Another part of me wants to believe him when he says taking things slower will help us both in the long run.

I have been very tempted like old times with many situations. Ships passed to quietly and slowly back away to lead move on. But I also feel like I'm too old for that. To be honest, I haven't been in anything serious myself since I was in my late 20s. So I'm trying to figure out what the mature thing to do is here.

And I'm trying to understand what is going on and how to approach it. So he's not initiating anything. Should I see this as an achy red flag? Or am I just being picky? I really like the guy.

Help. I hear a sign off. She really likes him. Right. But I don't think that this is like her saying this is a turn off.

This is great. She says he's a gentle. One of her descriptor words is he's gentle.

And this is the first person that he's with since his marriage.

And we don't have the information on how long that marriage is. But I could see a gentle, sweet, sensitive guy.

“The first person you're with after perhaps who knows?”

I mean, he's 37. They could have been married for 10 years. He's 37. The first person he's with after it might. I think it's normal for sex to feel a little uncomfortable.

When it's the first person after you've been with one person for perhaps a long time. So I think this is worth just maybe making him feel comfortable emotionally. He might be coming into this feeling like in my head. And I, you know, I don't know. He said more than biology.

So maybe he's having trouble. And you know, sexually there. And I think there's something going on on his end. About moving into this new thing. And if you like him, I would make him comfy to talk about it and say,

"Hey, we can take our time here as long as I know that you're into this." Dr. Naomi, why don't you be my therapist and people can listen to him? Because let me give a reason I would give to someone that would. So let me put myself in this guy's shoes and give the reason I would give for not having sex with him. So, so let me give and it might be where he's at.

It could be he has, you know, he says it's not biology, but who knows?

“Maybe he has something going on with his body that he's afraid to tell you.”

That could be it. I don't think that's it if he's saying this. Being that he's gentle and just getting out of a divorce. Here's how I would feel. You're ready?

Dr. Naomi, I'm dating this like really wonderful woman. And it's been a couple years since my divorce. But I keep putting off sex with her. Because of the divorce, I feel it was like a really like big shake. You know, it was a seismic move in my life.

And I felt so guilty and bad, you know, ending a relationship.

I was the one that ended it. I feel horrible. The whole family was mad at me. And I ruined this really good relationship. I put off kids because, you know, she wanted to have kids.

And I used that as a way to not get too deep with her because I was kind of my escape. Because if I had kids with her, I'd stay with her forever and just be miserable. So I ended it. And I now she's blaming, you know, she blamed me for wasting her time and time is valuable for a woman. And so now I'm dating again.

And every time I get close with someone, I feel like the sex would lock me in. Like if I had sex with her, that would be like a promise I'm making. And if I don't like her after that, and I want to end it.

Because I'm still not sure about her. And where we go from here,

“that's why I'm pushing off and out with this girl who's like great.”

But I'm like, I kind of don't, you know, the sex I think would make me feel even worse if I ended it afterwards. So it sounds like you're taking all of that baggage and guilt and trauma even from your past relationship and projecting that forward into what will happen if you have sex with this person. That's how it feels like to me. I think a part of it is maybe having a conversation with this woman and being on the same page,

which we can get into your, your whole marriage and how clearly you communicated there. But we're not going to do this for these races. But I. But I did a bad job on the marriage. Okay, I get it.

Right. So this is a great opportunity for you to say, hey, you know, whatever you feel like I'm really attracted to you. I'd love to have sex with you. I do see this, you know, you know, progressing and, you know, at least in the, you know, I'd like to continue to see you. But, and I want to have sex with you, but I want you to know that I'm not 100% sure about where this is going,

but I'd like to explore things with you and I want to make sure you're okay with that.

Here's what I would say to the listener.

If this little mini therapy session gave you the, like putting this guy in the shoes of me. If that gave you the, I actually agree with your, like he's not ready. You know, and that gives me pause and now I'm turned off. And if this conversation made you more curious and understanding of his side of the story and want to learn more, but also understanding that having sex might mean, you know, you break up after the sex.

“And then I think it's worth as you're being too picky, you know, like, I love what you did there.”

You gave her an in vivo exposure to this egg to see if it, you know, I love it. Because to me, that's one that's probably the most likely of answers for him if he's acting. Honestly. Now, if he's acting dishonestly and he's fucking a bunch of women and he was like, I got to hold off because I just, you know, was with someone, you know, 10 minutes ago, we can't know that, but like we'll take a bit of his word.

But I do think for her when she says like, she, her most honest part is I really like the guy, the her side off. So you really like the guy. I would say that his feelings don't matter, but I really like you. I need to know what's going on here. I also want to fuck you. And I need to know why you won't do that.

Yeah. And he might run away. I think there's a fallacy that someone needs to be perfectly healed and not have any thoughts of anything before they can move on to another relationship. I think you can do that with someone as long as you're communicating about it. He's saying like he's dipping his toe in the water by saying, it's not just biology, which I, my interpretation of that is maybe I, I could be wrong.

But there's some biological component, meaning like he's having trouble performing or he's ink having performance anxiety because he's in his head maybe about everything that you just said. So if he's thinking about all that, it's not going to work in the moment. And so he's anxious about that, not working and not being relaxed. So I do think a conversation about it might help. But yeah, if that, if you don't want to be in it with him, then yeah, this probably isn't your person.

But if you're willing to say, hey, just got divorced, we can talk about it.

But don't do that talk of like everything you just heard from me was like, well, oh my god, that guy's really fun to watch.

Yeah. Okay, let's do another email. All right. You, you, [email protected]. Keep setting your emails.

We want you to send your emails. I'm also on the road if you are out there. I want to come to a show now. He had a great time. You had fun even even with people yelling out.

My favorite comment. You are my favorite comment. Oh, stop it, stop it, your bias, but I will take all compliments. I'm on the road. So come to a show, Jaredfree.com.

LA, Los Angeles. I'm coming. Everyone in LA. When are you coming in LA?

“Can you buy tickets early if you're hearing this now?”

Because it doesn't help me. That helps me. Don't do the, well, I came to support. No, no, no. By the tickets early, that's supportive.

And then I put on a great show. You have fun. That is an even exchange. Hi, Jay and Jay. And Ian.

I've recently discovered the podcast. I'm really enjoying it. I need your help figuring out what this text means. Screen shots attached. I'm 30 male.

This is right after our first date with a flight attendant.

31 female that I met on hinge. The date was pleasant. We talked a little bit about past relationships. She mentioned she recently got out of a two year relationship. And is looking to date casually right now.

I told her I'm also recently out of relationship. And open to date and casually for now. But ultimately looking for something long term. I texted her later saying I had a good time. And was interested in seeing her again.

She responded, though, by saying I was, quote, Too nice for casual date.

“What I'm wondering is, is there really a category of men that are too nice to date casually?”

Or is this her way of saying she didn't feel a connection? I'll admit I've struggled with nice guy syndrome. And being too much of a people pleaser in the past. So it's entirely possible too. That she sense that and wasn't into it.

Sincerely too nice to date casually. Okay. I've been this guy before. This sucks. This is the worst.

This is like the worst case scenario. You're like, oh, you wanted to get casually ding ding ding. I found the one. I don't have to end this. This is going to be great.

Then she's like, yeah, you're a bit of a kitty cat. I'm looking for a tiger. And you're like, fuck. I didn't make the cut. So let's read the text.

You'll be, I'll be him. You'll be her, ready? I enjoyed meeting up with you the other day, smiley face. That's what I knew it was over for. The minute I saw smiley face with the colon and parlor.

Yeah. Yeah. He didn't even do the emoji. Yeah. It's like dude.

No. She wants to, you know, no. Okay. Ready? I asked you how you thought it went.

So now here are my thoughts. Spending time with you was nice. And I'd be up for meeting up again for a casual date. Blushing face emoji. I did.

I know you said you're not looking for anything serious right now. We could actually get that coffee next time. I know a great place in blank for espresso drinks. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. You're too nice for just a casual date, though.

I think some other ladies out there would have a less crazy schedule and a better match for you smiley face. I'm interested in staying friends with you. And if you're okay with that, then we can get that coffee. And then she sends a picture of a picture of a picture.

“She sends a sunset picture, which that's what you send to your.”

Your your your bestie. And then she writes.

I never stop being amazed at the sky.

Hey. Oh, man. I feel for this guy. He writes. Thanks for being honest smiley face.

I guess for me, I don't mind the casual dates. And so I'm just recently started dating again. I could be open to staying friends. We'll have to see. Oh, no.

And then he responds to. I never stop being amazed at the stop being amazed at the sky. That's gorgeous. I bet it's an amazing view when you're in this guy too. Dude, run away.

Are you kidding me? Yeah. What do you think Dr. Naomi? Is there is there a therapy doctor. Chemical thing here.

I think that she she's saying up front. She wants casual, which I think means that this is probably the equivalent of the your type. You know, I'm saying like she wants a like a sexual type probably. If she's looking for casual that. If you're a people pleaser and you're too nice of a guy.

He's probably a little bit of a beta, which is. Like I think for a long-term partner, a beta is great for a lot of women. They like to be able to kind of, you know, call more of the shots and make more of the decisions. And but for a short term casual sexual thing, I think she probably is looking for a little bit more of a assertive alpha type. She wants to land in Cedar Rapids and get rocked.

That's what she's saying and he don't got the ability to do that for her.

Like she wants to have an experience that is really not this like interpersonal thing that she's going to feel bad.

You know, hurting someone's feelings and, you know, and doesn't want to talk about the sky with them and wants to like. You know, she's got this different job as a flight attendant where she's going in at a city's just want to deal with the responsibility of another human being. And you know, they went and got drinks and she was attracted him and then she saw that this wasn't going to be the type of guy that could like provide the service that she's looking for. All right, I do think this comes full circle to the pain of the pain is greater than the pain of the change because she doesn't want it change right now like she just wants to be.

If she let's say it's five years down the line and let's say she wants kids and she wants a long-term partner.

“I believe her that this guy might be the guy for her.”

I don't think it's even that she's not attracted to him or that she doesn't.

You know, I don't, I just think that right now she's not in a place where the pain of the pain that she needs to put up with the pain of the change. I wish he'd be a little bit more sexually assertive or I wish he'd be a little bit more, you know, alpha in our interactions that to me. If she wants, if the pain of the pain is like, I don't know, let's say it's I'm 40 and I want to have kids. So let's say that's the pain of the pain. I think this guy would be great or even if it was five years down the line and she's like, I'm ready to settle into something.

The pain of the change, which is like maybe I prefer a little bit more of an alpha guy. But I'm willing to kind of keep going and seeing if I can see the beauty in this softer, more gentle. A guy that really cares about everyone's happiness around him, which is what a people-pleaser is, which is a beautiful thing. It's just like this is a mismatch of time space, you know, all that, you know, and it's funny. It's like what she's looking for as far as for now is like she kind of had an interview process and she had the interview.

And he was like, I'd love this job, just want to follow up and see if you've filled the position and she's like, excuse me. We have this position that has a very specific set of requirements and I, it hurts me to say that you don't fit the position. We'll keep you in mind for another time, but this guy, like, you know, as far as I explain him what happened, it's like nothing happened. You did everything right because you acted like yourself and you were the person you are, which will be great for someone.

“And, but, you know, not all of us are made to be studs. I think this is the problem with dating apps. Like, let's you wear the costume of a stud.”

You know, you used to have to go to a bar, walk in, talk to someone, bring them home. You know, that took a lot of energy, money, that took looks, that took charm. You can do that every night on a dating app without any of those things. You don't need money, you don't need to leave the house. You don't need that much charm because you can kind of type out the script of who you want to be. And then you end up on a date with Hottie Stewartus and she's like, where the fuck did you know, you know, doing the rock John's ago.

I'm sitting here with Kevin Hart, you know, so, you know, this is less, you know, cat fishing. This is stud fishing, you know, this is he actor a certain way on the app. They met on hinge. Hey, I'm in town. Oh, come meet up. And then he's like, hey, so it's great to meet you smiley face emoji and she's like, no, you know, like, for her. This is a different version. So listen, Dr. Naomi Bernstein. This was fantastic. We are so happy. It's really fun. It's felt like I was with like, Jordana. You know, this is like the, you know, this is like the, it's like Jordana different, you know, it's like I have the same feeling of what, you know, it's very nice.

Oh, we, I'm sure you miss her. You'll be so excited when she comes back. I'm really thrilled to be here again. I loved your show. If you're listening, if you like the vibe, come find me, Naomi Bernstein.com, individual sessions. The groups are awesome. Come check us out and listen to oversharing.

Listen oversharing. I'm a huge fan of the show. It is such a great Tuesday. Listen. That's my first listen on a Tuesday morning.

“Chill, love it. And the triggers are so funny. I just like, I think that segment is like such a fun look at like what gets people annoying and as the most personal of stories. So”

oversharing, sound up for their benefit for their extras and also go, Naomi Bernstein.com. I'm Jared Fried. We saw updating again. We will be back next week.

And the platform makes me no problem. I have a lot of problems, but the platform is not a single one. I've felt that the show will continue on their platform. Everything is super interesting and unique. And the time and the money that I can't invest in there. For all of you in the show.