285 - April Fools

Just go to welcome the nightville.com/live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is our newest Nightville live show murder night in Bloodbores. It is so much fun. Please come check it out.

“Also coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice's and dead brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast.”

This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by dispersion and starring to seek in the call. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice's and dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's good morning Nightville for all of your Nightville needs. You can hear how, Meg and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of welcome to Nightville.

Also, we have random horror number nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order.

And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB. And if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middle-est rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightville presents.com or just wherever you get your podcasts and hey. Thanks. [Music] The investigation into the locked room murder of the angel Marcus Vansden continues, as well as the murder of J.L. Brotherford, an intern applicant who was stabbed to death right here in the lobby of my radio station.

While I was broadcasting.

Of course, the emotional impact of J.L.S. Death is diminished slightly by the fact that his doppelganger showed up in a sandstorm last month.

“And he's been an awesome intern for us, so it's like it never happened, right?”

If I only saw a dead body, stabbed, violently by a still at large killer, but that dead body got replaced by a duplicate, then there are no lasting psychological effects or repercussions. It's just like how my former intern, Dana Cardinal, killed her double with a stapler back in 2013, and she went on to become mayor. So sometimes murder isn't a total loss, but maybe we were just lucky in those cases. I don't recommend decriminalizing murder, like those people at the town hall meeting last Tuesday work.

Oh, they've in fact forced a referendum onto the ballot this fall. The referendum reads, "Eliminate criminal charges against any citizen with a totally legit reason to kill some shark." A yes vote authorizes law enforcement to not avoid declining prosecution of such a crime, and no vote doesn't not do the opposite. So, as of now, both murders of Jalen Rutherford and Marcus Vanston are considered major felonies, and that's probably good, but I will be doing my own research into this matter. Oh, speaking Dana, she came by the station looking for Jalen, because of their similar situations involving dead doppelgangers she thought he might like to join her at this weekly support group called doubles anonymous.

“Is for people who either killed their double or who are their double who killed them?”

Dana also wanted to talk with Jalen about what he knew about Marcus Vanston since he worked directly with Marcus before the murder.

More in the soon, but first, a public service announcement.

Through gaslighting and maybe even threats of harm, we put others through a roller coaster of emotions, and in the end, they don't really feel joy, so much as anger, soothe the only by relief.

With that in mind, here's some fun pranks you can try today. Cut open your neighbor's car tires. Ah, they'll be so mad when they're late to work on this, the day of their big meeting, but then you pop out of your home and go, April Fool's, and you'll both have a good laugh. I mean, they'll miss the big meeting, which is to decide on who gets a raise and who gets fired. This will lead to your neighbor, getting dismissed for their lack of timeliness, but later, that afternoon, their boss will call and say, a real fool's, come on back to work, and your neighbor will be sweating and breathing heavily because of all the fun.

“Another classic April Fool's joke is to tell your partner you don't love them, you never love them, and that you're leaving them to Mary Daniel Radcliffe.”

And when they ask, "How do you know Daniel Radcliffe?" you say, "I don't, but I'm going to ask him anyway." And then, go, Mary Daniel Radcliffe. Start a production company and a few charities with him, adopt children and pets, and become the poster couple for Hollywood activism.

And then, in ten years, return home to your partner and say, April Fool's, and you and your partner's new boyfriend will get into a huge fight, but a pretend fight, because, well, April Fool's.

“Today, I put on my biggest April Fool's prank ever. For the past six months, I've been planning an Arborist Parade, which will celebrate the many people of our town who like to plan treats.”

After months of promotion, permits, and planning, the parade is on. It's happening, as we speak. Already thousands of people have gathered downtown. There are three dozen floats and several live bands. I can't wait until the end, as we're making the grand speech to thank the barbarists for their efforts. Everyone will then shout, "April Fool's, ah, it'll be great." So, get out there and do your part, Night Vale. April 1st only happens once a year. Dana asked where Jalen was today, since she wanted to talk to him. I told her, since he's new at the job, I sent him on a snipe hunt, like I do with every new intern. A bit of gentle hazing, a bit of an April Fool's joke.

“Dana didn't remember ever being hazed as a new intern, and I said, "Surely you do." I tell all new interns their first big research assignment is to find out the true name of God.”

Dana said she doesn't remember that at all, and I told her I clearly recall her calling every place of worship in town, and even going to the library and nearly dying because she forgot to wear librarian repellent, and they could smell her curiosity from a mile away. Then, Dana said, "If I don't remember that, then maybe I am my own double. Maybe the real Dana Cardinals killed by that stapler. Maybe I came from the sandstorm. I remember most of my life," she said, "but I've found over the past 13 years that I don't have the exact same memories as what other people have."

Dana's been working through these issues in doubles anonymous, it's tough, though, because most DA members know that they're either themselves,

or they're the double who killed and replaced them. But Dana falls into a rare third category, those who do not know which they are.

But that's not important right now. What is important, she said, is that we tell Jalen to come back to the station so that they can start doing real research into how the murder of the Angel Marcus Vanston is connected to the murder of the original Jalen Rutherford. Dana is convinced that these crimes are related, even though her evidence is flimsy at best. Still, I'll have my producer Elise track down Jalen.

You did everything right, or you thought, and you don't want to stalk him that would be wrong, and this isn't stalking. You just happen to see him driving around town, and maybe you'll see where he goes. Maybe he pops into rouse, and you pop into rouse, and then you accidentally bump into him and say, oh hey, crazy meeting you here, we should catch up sometime. That's not stalking. You tell yourself, though you're listening to the radio, and there's a man telling you that doing such a thing is creepy at best, and you decide you won't actually follow him inside anywhere.

“You're not going to do anything that seems crazy, even though there's something really wrong here if you could just help him understand. But no, not now, now you just want to see him driving, and you kind of just want to drive to.”

So you do, and you think about how suddenly he became a stranger, even though you two once shared something special, and you hear yourself think this, and you decide, ah, it's too much, it's all too much, and you should go home, take an app, just let it go. He looks like he's in a hurry, and this isn't right, what you're doing, right? Sure, you think, unconvinced by your own consciousness.

Listeners, Jaylin made it back. He looked a little haggard as he came in, he said he's never worked so hard trying to finish an assignment, and he's exhausted.

Finished, I asked him, like, you completed the task of finding the true name of God. Yes, he said, and no, he pulled out a spreadsheet and said he didn't find the true name of God. He found the true names of several gods, Pearl, like 14,000 or so. Most of them were easy, he said, Hindu gods, Roman Greek and Nor scods, and many indigenous gods, for example, just straight up tell you their names.

“But then, like, the Muslims have many names they call their god, so he crossed referenced those on a separate sheet and the Christians, well, the Christians are pretty wild calling themselves monotheistic, what would that whole Trinity thing?”

And I cut him off. I explained that this name of God, assignment was just hazing for the new guy, and he looked really upset.

And then I said, April vols and we laughed and laughed. I told him that, for real, I had a big assignment for him. I wanted him to work with Dana to get to the bottom of Marcus's murder, but also the murder of his own double. He looked a bit dubious about investigating his own death, but he knew that if we solved these crimes, we probably win a Pulitzer. And I'm super into winning a Pulitzer. Look, total bucket list item. Dana and Jalen headed out to begin their deep dive into these unsolved mysteries.

More on that, but now, let's go to another edition of Citizen Spotlight. This week's Community Spotlight is on Matt, Birmingham.

Matt was born and raised in Nightville. He got an associate's degree in advertising and has always wanted to work for a secret military base.

“Well, he got his wish this year. In March, Matt was named the new marketing director of Area 50, which is not nearly as famous as Area 51, but that's why they hired Matt to really up the lore of Area 50,”

which has, by the bite, been around longer than Area 51, which means it has way more eerie secrets. Granted, Area 49 is even older than Area 50, Matt said, but that place is kind of rundown. And don't get him started on Area 26, which at this point is just a chevron station in Northeastern Arizona. But Area 50 has so many conspiracies. He said, people really should look at satellite photos of Area 50.

Maybe, even try to get an insider at Area 50 to leak photos of all the messed up things they have hidden there.

“Aliens? Matt Birmingham groaned. We've got things much more mysterious than Aliens.”

Creatures? You've never even heard of. Creatures that are neither terrestrial nor extraterrestrial.

Like, super terrestrial. He said, pounding his corn dog on the podium for emphasis. Plus, he added, we have these cool punch cards. Discover 10 conspiracies at Area 50, and will send you a dollar on Venmel. Congratulations, Matt Birmingham. We can't wait to learn more about Area 50. Oh, geez, this day is really getting away from me. I was hoping to have these murders solved before the end of the show. Um, at least any word from Dana or Jalen?

“Oh, you're talking to them now. You look concerned, at least, is everything okay?”

They're being followed by a black sedan with tented windows, and they're getting really scared that someone doesn't want them to dig any deeper.

That by unmasking the killer, a much more vast network would be revealed, threatening to bring down a giant ring of underground criminals. Oh, that's awful. I'm sorry. I missed what you just said, at least. April fools. I heard it all over. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

While she makes sure that Dana and Jalen are safe, at least says we should have a look at the weather.

“Oh, those are the tight loops. Oh, the only can hide it. Oh, where will we be with the guy he's taking part in the Beatles?”

Oh, no. No life and a date. Oh, wife's half-year age. Love it from fine everything's getting messy because she's scared that you know. Oh, how long have I fallen for? Oh, love from all of you. And someone from all of us, they keep looking for love. But I wouldn't give the year a man, yeah.

I've let it champion make my heart hurt. Pastels in heartache can all arise when they're getting up. Pretenses all kinds, it's all so high, I'll give it to you from heart. Oh, life's hard, God in your children and writing. So, I don't know the feelings of living, you can pretend they're all on the ground.

Oh, love from all of us, hands are all for us, they keep looking for love. But I wouldn't give the year a man, yeah, I'll feel you. I've let it champion make my heart hurt. I've let it champion make my heart hurt. Pastels in heartache can all arise when they're getting up.

Oh, love from all of us, hands are all for us, they keep looking for love. Oh, how long for a love from all of us, hands are all for us, they keep looking for love. But I wouldn't give the year a man, yeah, I'll feel you.

We got set up, I think, in less than a day with very little effort.

“We could just focus on the supply chain to the product development.”

Shopify gives us the ability to customize without the complexity. We can change something without introducing fragility or having to pay a developer. Well, thirsty turtle and we leveled up our business with Shopify. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/AU. Jalen tried everything he could to lose the person tailing him and Dana.

He ziggged and sacked. He took detours through winding neighborhood streets. Dana said Jalen looked a bit fearful, like he might even know who it was following them.

“Eventually, though, Jalen hit downtown traffic and managed to cross McDowell Street a split second”

before the arborists sprayed came through and they finally got away from that other car.

Great news, but sadly, the Pulitzer Prize committee will have to hold off a bit longer in giving us any award for investigative journalism. We still don't have this murder solved, but we made some headway. Dana interviewed Jalen about his work with the Angel Marcus Vanceden. Jalen said he and Marcus didn't talk much beyond anything work related. But Jalen got the sense from others that Marcus was deeply disliked.

He wasn't friendly as either a human or as an angel. Even the other angels didn't really like talking to Marcus. He wasn't mean necessarily. He was just sort of a reclus and didn't have much interesting to say.

Plus, he was a billionaire and he would never loan any of the other angels ten bucks when he saw them.

Jalen said Marcus was also way more religious than he originally thought, which I guess if you're an angel, that drives. Jalen said Marcus made everything about God, God, God, God. Anytime Jalen did something well, Marcus didn't say good work or thank you, he'd tell Jalen, God will be pleased. And if Jalen made an error, Marcus would snap at him that God's going to get you for that. I'm looking at Jalen's spreadsheet right now to see if this God has a name.

And in the name field it just says, God. Oh, the God of Harrison Kips Weirdo Religion is named Dale. He's a 47 year old who lives behind the sky and owns a vape shop in Red Mesa. Oh, that is very interesting. Look more into that later. Okay, focus, Cecil.

Jalen added that Marcus regularly took back donations to charities for the pettiest reasons. And he sometimes just stood naked in the window for all to see, which was alarming because angel anatomy is incomprehensible to human eyes. It seems like everyone who knew Marcus had at least a small desire to see him dead. But it still doesn't answer the question.

“Why was the original Jalen Rutherford murdered only weeks later?”

The only connective tissue is that Jalen worked for Marcus, but it wasn't the same Jalen Rutherford. As Dana pointed out, our doubles have many of our memories, but it's possible that not all of them are the same. So, can we even trust what this version of Jalen has to say? At the end of their interview, Dana confronted Jalen about whether or not he knew the driver following them.

Jalen bought, but then finally admitted that was Ilana, my girlfriend, or maybe ex, or maybe neither.

Jalen said he dated her before he showed up in our world, so it was a slightly different Ilana, and this Ilana dated a slightly different Jalen. He loved her, or loves her, he's not sure. He's scared to talk to her because he's scared to find out she's not the same woman, but all the while, she thinks he's the same man. Dana said she understood, but that he's going to have to talk to her eventually. What she was doing was not okay, and it might only get worse. Having said this, Dana also understood that this must be terribly confusing for poor Ilana,

knowing the love of her life was killed, and then suddenly reappeared only to keep avoiding her. Jalen said he'd think about it. It's really been hard with the new job,

Listeners, I sure hope these two investigators can... What do you mean, there's this a tarantula on my shirt, at least? Where? On the back, I can't see it, help big.

Get it off, get it off, help at least, at least get in here. Oh, you got me, you got me, that's a good prank at least. Oh wait, there is a tarantula on my shirt, but it's not that big. Cool, cool. Stay tuned next for massive audio clipping as a radio host screams like a baby. Good night, Nightfale. Good night. Welcome to Nightfale's a production of Nightfale Presents. It is written by Joseph Finch, Jeffrey Crainer and Bree Williams, sound design and production by Disparition. The voice of Nightfale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition, all that can be found at Disparition.net. This episode's weather is pro golfers by Jin Wife. Find out more at the link in our show notes.

Comments, questions, email us at [email protected], or follow us on BluSky at Nightfale Radio, or on Instagram, Tumblr and TikTok at Nightfale official, or be really normal about how things are going in the world right now. But mainly check out Welcome to Nightfale.com, where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up-to-date directly from us to you. We are going to need each other moving forward. Please connect with us. Today's proverb, "dress for the job you want, cash and checks, not the job you have, snap and next."

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