Being Gay in a Homophobic House

I've officially launched a new subscription channel called we're all insane plus.

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All podcast episodes completely commercial free and my brand new show we're all healing where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors and healers to talk about how we actually process pain reconnect with our true selves and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to we're all in same plus in app on apple podcasts or Spotify or you can head over to we're all insane.com to learn more. My name's Ari and I was adopted by my uncle's ex-wife

because at the time when I was born my mother was incarcerated and my father was drunk out. This led to a lot of abuse but ultimately at four on mother's day my uncle's ex-wife.

“For this we're just going to call her mom. I've always called her mom and my biological mom.”

I've always referred to her by name as Victoria. So when I first came into the home I

had a lot of trauma. I had a lot of abandonment issues, a lot of starving issues, starving issues. I had problems with eating due to being homeless when I was a kid. So there was a lot of things she had to deal with but her biggest thing in life was image. So I came in already ruining that image and I came in already stunting what she had going on. She had two kids when me come in and a baby on the way. My eldest brother did not live in the home and I never knew

him living in the home but he always existed. He was always around because he lived with my

“god mom but he just did not live with us. He was like a weekend sibling if anything. She's still”

with your uncle at this time. No so when I was born they were in the process of getting rid of worse but she had his daughter and that was his only kid. So she had her on the weekends and so my mother would come and visit and see me just in different homes or not eating or not having a lot. And on the weekends that she would come pick her up she'd bring me things. You know different clothes, a meal, things like that. So I saw her as I'm a some other figure because like I said my mother

wasn't jail. So for the first four years in my life it was jumping different places. Excuse me.

And she eventually decided to take custody when my father was incarcerated. And so by then she was like I said pregnant with my youngest sister and was dating a do the we'll get into once we get into that but she was dating probably the most impactful man of my childhood. I guess you could say not in the positive way but so yeah so when I first got there there was a tentive therapies, mental institutions, different things

to try to regulate my emotions and figure out what was wrong with me but at the end of the day for me I went from trauma to a household that was built on image but when you peek through she was getting beat by her husband. I was sleeping on the floor. There were not things that were they didn't coincide, they didn't make sense. So right around middle school that's when her ex-husband went to jail and so she had my little sister and removed in with my grandfather and

he was no better but that's not my story tell. My older siblings have a lot they could say but like I said that's not my story tell. I didn't experience that from him. However the downfall I was there for we had to move out very abruptly we had to go to police stations and get interrogated and have multiple questions get asked and then she dropped us off right back to school like everything was normal everything was okay we couldn't say anything. At the time when we moved out

he was paying all our bills we just could not live with him. She was working for him and doing all of that and justifying his actions for making sure that we were okay he provides for us and from then on I learned that money and providing for us financially was what mattered. Nothing else nothing else mattered. When we lived it was my grandfather like I said

about the fourth grade. Mind you when I lived in his house we also went to private school so everything

“was very much so for me different I feel like private school in public school was a drastic change”

especially when it came to my image. It was easier to hold it together and easier to go about everything when it was like everybody just everybody was great and everything was fine and then I hit fourth grade. Any friend I had she didn't like anything I tried to wear she hated because

ever since I was little I've always been a tomboy. That's always been me I like the plaid shorts

I liked the t-shirts I'd base a close but for her my oldest sister's were impadients. They danced growing up. They do the modeling. They love all of that and my mother doted on that and like I said my brother never lived with us but me and my brother I feel like we're very much so the same so whenever he came around it felt like I had somebody who was like me and I feel like that caused us to have our own till this day I don't want to say trauma bond but we connect on a level that I feel like

me and my sisters don't connect on because I can still call him and he gets it. How always get it but my sisters I feel like she grew them for the appearance she grew them to fit her image so that regardless she had her two perfect kids and I love my sisters I love my sisters to death but I feel like they have their own journey with my mother and I have my own journey with my mother so like I said faith grade comes around middle school comes around and that's when I get more friends

that's when my best friend tells me her mom's her mom's her mom's her mom's her lesbian and for my whole life I have been in therapy so I tell my mom in therapy one day like hey my best friend

has two moms I want to go to her house because it was always the thing she never liked my friends

never wanted me to go to anybody's house so you don't do anything was there a reason

“behind that when I was younger my father told her I was going to be a lesbian and I honestly think that”

that stuck with her and she wanted to prove my biological band strong that's my only assumption that or like I said it just didn't fit her image because she didn't understand it but she just like kind of like a control that too that too that too and I don't think she wanted me to form my own opinion because at this time I still very much so eight brave chat anything involving her it was my mother I had a band in my issues I was attached

to her hip that was the pinnacle because she always told me she saved me if it wasn't for her

I essentially got put her on this earth to save me so as a kid and growing up it's like I held onto that that was it for me you can't leave you can't go anywhere and I think she used that as a crush she would leave for days at a time she would get mad and just not show up and it's like for me when I came to her with that it was already knowing how she felt about being gay already knowing how she felt about that but it was like this was my best friend for years and years

and it was like I'm trying to actually go to her house I'm I'm a therapy asking you to have a sleepover I was completely shut it down I mean at the time as a kid I wasn't understanding

“and I basically was like your racist to gay people that's what I said not homophobia just didn't”

under didn't click to me and that made her so mad that that inferiority to her but it didn't change her stance she she stuck to the guns yelled at me in front of the therapist and we went home and that was it wasn't allowed to speak on the girl about the girl to the girl or anything all of middle school so middle school ends and what made me decide to come out to her was her my youngest sister's dad gets out of prison and the thing about that was when I came into the home

I came into an abusive home it wasn't like I was coming into even a single parent household I would have preferred that but I'm coming into chaos and not only is a chaos I'm watching the human being that I put on this high pedestal get choked out or get a knife pulled out on her but in turn she's kind of doing the same thing to me so the whole situation just confused me

thing I come home she's on the couch and she just lets me know she can't explain it it's chemistry

“like she can't justify it she can't understand or herself she just knows it's chemistry”

and she just knows that that is where she wants to be I'm crying at this point I'm balling my eyes out scared terrified of this man do not want him anywhere around anything because we would we would even go see him in jail and my thing is as a kid that was that was scary but to know that the man that I was taught to fear was just around all the time like it's normal just for me was confusing so a couple of weeks ago by from that day and I just let her know

actually no I was in trouble that week and my oldest sister was in trouble as well and the thing about it was my mom had places for each of us to go when we made her mad so my oldest brother

it worked he ultimately ended up at my mom's house my oldest sister it was fat camp she always

went about her weight and who she was until this day she still will go to a restaurant in count calories um with my youngest sister was the hospital with me it was my biological parents my sister was in trouble and so she was a great before me so it was her sophomore year and it was about to be summertime and so my mom heard no his thing was fat camp you got to go to fat camp you're overweight and my sister never was until this day she is not and we both internalized

our eating disorder is differently she will control it with her calorie intake and I will control it with how long I can feel like I have enough energy and power to sustain not eating I feel like

“there's a power in not eating and I think it goes back to her and our dynamic with food honestly but”

me and my sister were both at the same school and she saw me holding hands with the girl I liked at the time and in my head we're both in trouble you want to be the lesser in trouble you're gonna out me now bad way of thinking but as a kid we wouldn't want to be in trouble alone we would at least won't one of the other two siblings to be with us because my mom would be insane so by the end of the day I call her on some random girls from now we're best friends she is my best

friend in this world but at the time I had no idea who she was I just did not have a phone freshman year and I said hey I'm trying to get picked up can I use your phone to call my mom didn't even ask about the ride I just said hey mom you're right because you know growing up

she always told me I was gonna be gay I can't like girls all that so I just said you're right

he's up the phone that's it my heart raised so fast I regretted it but I couldn't take it back now mind you I should have done it when she wasn't mad at anybody maybe when she was at her happiest but I just so I get home and she sits down and she lectures me for about an hour and tells me how much of a disappointment I am how I should expect to get bullied by anybody

“was she religious at all? No but I think she used religion as image like I said from preschool to”

fourth grade I was in private school and I was Christian and then after I came out coincidentally my little sister ended up at a private school now when we went to a viewing for the private school they were having an anti-gay rally all of this was very like I said coincidentally and now show you's God as like a excuse I told meant for her yeah yeah but I don't think it's genuine but I don't believe anything from her can be genuine at this point yeah hi guys it's

me Davora I am so excited to finally share this with you all I've officially launched a new subscription

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year go by feeling depleted you can get 30% off your first month of might appear gummies at timeline dot com slash insane 30 that's timeline dot com slash insane 30 while the offer lasts so yeah while she's telling me how much of an embarrassment I am the whole year little sister is gonna think you're going to hell and she's gonna let you know what she did because of her school but she's made so much strides and she's made stupid anyway and then she told me she was going to

out the girl and for 14 15 year old me I thought I was in love that was the wife that was my life and if her parents found out and you found out we couldn't be together and that was what triggered me and I said no you can't do that that's when I actually spoke up she flipped the table and left the house and like I said my abandonment issues you did the one like for me she was the one person who I felt like taking it from was easier than actually losing her so she would do things

like flip a table and yell at me and then leave decompress and it's like for me it was like damn you're beating me and then putting me in a corner so after I came out everything was done I had to go to church I had to go to therapy I had no phone I had I was in gyro TC I could not attend any after school events I had one friend that I had known from fifth grade that thankfully she let me stay friends with but outside of that I wasn't allowed to go or do

anything and like I said she would justify it with other things but at the end of the day the tone shifted when I came out and it shifted in a big way because I wasn't feminine I feel like

“honestly that was the bigger thing it's just so crazy to me like I you know it's very obvious”

that we live in a world where like there are many people that have their own beliefs and opinions and they are very like did set on it like for some reason that is like they can't they cannot see

pass those things it like actually like drives them crazy I think but it never makes sense to me how

you can be so in your own way that you would think by like taking things away from you would change the outcome the outcome's not going to change you know what I mean so it's like I feel like you coming out to her you have one of two options you either treat you like shit and take everything away just doesn't change the outcome or support you and like obviously you're young you can have rules and boundaries but like you know like to still have that like open communication

and support and a relationship and I feel like like either way the outcome doesn't change as far as what you feel and what you want and what you do in your personal life but at least like

“you would feel comfortable and confident in your family yeah I just that's what I just don't”

I don't get it like people think that by like punishing someone or making these decisions and controlling them is gonna change the outcome yeah it's not going to change anything bad when nothing changes and you're just a worse position at this point yeah I don't get it it's just

you're so close minded like and I have always just said it's like it's never made sense to me

why people care so much about someone else's life it doesn't affect you like okay it affects your image which like really in the grand scheme of things who gives a shit people are odd that's all she has yeah I mean when it's all said and done she has not a relationship with either one of her parents her father passed away her older sister passed away and like I said each of

once I came out it was doing everything to try to control the image well the downfall was

me having social media okay behind her back the problem had always been I would tell her white lies

did you know that the modern adoption industry was basically created by a woman who stole babies and sold them to wealthy families I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal where you can hear that story and plenty more just like it we take you inside the minds of our most notorious felons and outlaws exploring the dark side to the American dream you can listen to American Criminal wherever you get podcasts or at americancriminal dot com but for her white lies were

“the worst thing in the world I've been spit on for a white lie I've been smack that've been”

dragged across the room anything so this one particular day I remember it was Thanksgiving and I didn't have a phone but I had a secret iPhone and I was hiding it I was hiding it so well I had made it past the summer into the next school year and all that and I was downstairs sitting on the dryer and I was texting and she comes into the dryer and she looks at me and she hands she reached out of her hand and I just put the phone in her hand and she walks upstairs everybody comes over

everybody is calm cool collected everything's happy everything's fine I don't eat that's the first Thanksgiving I literally sat there and could not eat because I had no clue what was gonna happen I had no clue what was gonna go on and translate so everybody leaves everything's all settled down she sends me on the couch and she instantly goes off mind you I my hair was straight it was Christmas or sorry Thanksgiving she drags me to the bathroom and puts my head under the water

“and she was like if you want to act like a fucking liar you don't deserve that straight hair”

for me this straight hair was not like I understand what she was doing in the moment now looking back and as an adult it's like what what what are you doing what are you doing yeah and that whole night she was just yelling going crazy flipping out and that was the first night I ran away and I ended up at the girl whose phone I used for I ended up at her house and her

mom is amazing and her mom is a nurture but at the end of the day her she's a mom and I think she

understands moms so she wasn't gonna harbor me so my mom ended up picking me up and we drove to the police station because I said I'm done I hate you I'm not nothing to do with you and at that point she was saying everything back I don't know if it's both of us being fire signs or both of us just being quick with it but when we argue we can low blow both of us together will low blow she hates me I hate her so we get to the police station and we're both begging the cops at this point she's

done I'm done we just want to where can we sign obviously nobody gives us anything they involve CPS so CPS gets involved and how old were you 16 okay and was quick question was that guy living back at the house at this point no he got parole to his sister's house okay but he was there a lot okay he was the thing about her was he was not in her tax bracket and he just got out of jail so simultaneously she was dating guys with a lot of money doing great she did not care about them

but they had the means to provide for her and give her yeah give her the light bow and give her the new boobs and do everything that the chemistry man could it you know what I'm saying so he was there but he wasn't there got it okay so CPS gets involved so CPS gets involved and at first I'm thinking okay this is my chance I just want to get out of my house so when I'm talking to them I'm not telling them about the years of abuse and we're only scratching the surface I'm just

“telling them I came out and she doesn't like me so for them I think they saw a 16 year old who”

couldn't be with their girlfriend they didn't treat me like that but they treated me like that you know what I'm saying but I think after hearing stories from other people my grandma my grandma maybe my older sister they temporarily put me into my grandma's home and so I stayed there

and in all of this I learned that I was never legally adopted she only had legal guardianship

which was my father and he called me and so I was there for about two months and we spoke every single day and I think that's the first time I've ever talked to somebody and like understood or like got it you know and sorry he passed away and I knew I knew this was the only part I was going to be sad about but he I felt like I didn't have to try for his love every phone call I just knew I just got it but in the midst of all that I was at my grandmother's house and I didn't

know anything I had all these different rules and it was a different environment and I didn't have my

“siblings so I wanted to go back home crazy enough and my mom is like well if you want to come home”

tell CPS for your birthday you can come home like I'll have that be your birthday gift like she was making it like some big deal to make my birthday you know the day I come home and that's her gift to me

and so as a kid I always knew that my biological mother was the abuse and my father was just an

addict like anything he was an addict that's it that's all so when speaking to him because they were still together when speaking to him it was always a I don't want to speak to her I don't want to deal with her I don't want to talk to her no thank you one day I get a call from her and I was mad I blamed him and I when I get upset I don't like to talk about it I feel like if I talk about it you're either one I'm not going to respond the way I want you to respond or

two you're not going to care enough so I'm wasting my time so in turn I go silent and I went silent so I went home and two months later he passed away and so she's sitting me down and she tells me all that we're planning for his funeral we go to his funeral right after we're shopping there was like I feel like everything was so quick about it but I can remember shopping I can remember going to Springfield Mall I can remember all of that

“and for me it's like I don't know if that's how she wanted it to be but that's not how I wanted to”

I don't know how I wanted it to be but looking back I wish it wasn't funeral of a Toyota Secret you know what I'm saying I wish it was a you just saw your biological mother in person for the first time and watched me and her get into it do you want to talk about it do you want to go decompress do you want to go somewhere and just be with me you know it was a let's go in public spend some money do some stuff and buy you stuff you don't even want you know what I'm saying

so once he passed away everything was kind of what is everything kind of floated for a couple months she ran my grandfather's business but she ran it into the ground and he filed a bank for up sea and amidst all that he got kidney failure and so he was in the hospital and he ultimately ended up passing away on Mother's Day which now that I'm talking about it it's crazy how a lot of things in her life happen on Mother's Day maybe he adopted her father passing away like

things happened and it's like I don't know if it's to shed light on maybe you shouldn't celebrate Mother's Day you haven't earned that or what but I feel like you're gonna take your time yeah okay so when he passed away there was a big divide it was my older siblings and my youngest me and my little sister my little sister I love her and I wish I could shelter her for the rest of

my life but she's 23 now and my grandfather has never been a good human but she didn't know that

and it's taken her a long time too long in that so at the time that was her favorite person ever when he passed away it was the end of the world but when he passed away for my older sister it was probably a breath of fresh air you know what I'm saying they had different so we went to West Virginia winter's funeral did all that just me my little sister my mom came back in my older sister moved out

“and when my older sister moved out I think that's when everything got harder and I think that's when”

I realized stress caused me to not eat because for a long time it was the three of us and it was

always the three of us no matter what even if my mom was mad like we were cool and sometimes my

we had each other's back so when she left I felt like what's happening she's gone my grandfather's

“gone my mom is ubering to pay for a $2,800 a month house that she can't sustain and if she's not”

ubering she's in a room sleep so I don't know what to do and it missed all that we're still arguing we still don't see you don't like me and I adore the ground to walk on when I up until 1718 I literally could not speak anything about my mother that was not of love and light and compassion because I felt like if I went against that something bad was gonna like something not good could come from that but it's also like I can't just be silent because she is not silent and we'll get

into that but yeah so when the downfall of that then I got a job and it was my first job but she wasn't making a lot of money either so both of our checks were going into rent or going into the house I was giving her my checks and while we figured all that out we figured out that my

father he was getting disbelieved and because I was never adopted or I don't really know how

the ins and outs of that went at the time all I know is I got the back paid and up until I got 18 up until I was 18 I got you know so money so the back paid was $2500 so we get the back pay and I don't even know how much $2500 is it I'm like okay can we pay rent for this month maybe next month then buy some groceries she paid rent for a couple months and then she got her whole body done she got her entire body done and at the time as a kid it was like I just I was just happy she

was happy I was just happy things were good on the up and up but it's like going into the school

that year I was crying to my counselor because I didn't know how I was gonna not be at home post

graduation you know I'm saying because I didn't have the concept that $2500 was a lot of money 'cause she blew it so fast she wasn't teaching me that that was a lot of money she wasn't teaching me anything about it because nobody was gonna see it it was gone before it touched anybody's hands and I feel like that was her main thing when it came to me I feel like with my older and younger sister it was fine the risk I married the richest richest dude and if you love them

great fine but you guys are pretty and use them but for me once I got into the okay we know

“you're not gonna tap into your feminine community the way you want to you have to be in a tax”

bracket and if you're not in a tax bracket I don't care about you the way that you know I could so once I was getting that money and once I was doing my job everything was going okay going good but in the back end I had a girlfriend and she was in college so when she came home from college I would she knew but she didn't know I was sneaking to see her she didn't know I was doing everything because the crazy thing is when she needed the girlfriend at the time she would use her so

to pick up my little sister from school and she didn't have somebody hey can you girlfriend do this or so she knew but she didn't know the extra times we were hanging out so one day she was on the

“way to West Virginia with my little sister and I told her that I had to work I think like a night shift”

in the morning shift so I couldn't go to West Virginia but my girlfriend was home from spring break at the time so she was going to pick me up take me home do all the things I didn't have to work that weekend so for me I just had the full weekend you were gonna stay at the crib everything was going to be goodbye things were gonna be cool so I have my mom's location and my mom is on the way home and my little sister's texting me like hey we're gonna stop by the job say hey blah blah blah we came home

early I'm scrambling because we're at home I don't live far we get there I'm in full uniform yes it was bad to go through this much waste to lie but at that point I was in it and I was in it so I went in to work and then I went into the bathroom I walked out like I was leaving so as they were walking in it was like I got caught early I'm leaving on my goodness no my mom's all right through

doing all that and so I worked at cracker rail at the time we were in the dining area she gets up

“and she starts like towards me almost like she's not like she's gonna come at me but I”

flinch very easy so I immediately just run and I'm running out of the merchandising area into the parking lot the girl I'm with at the time she's in her car and I'm like open your door open you door I I got a jump in at this point my mom tries to grab me from behind and like pull me out of the car and so I just chucked the phone out again the car and I leave now if you ask her I left if you ask me I don't know I don't so after we go home or I go to my house because

I'm thinking I'm gonna get there before her I'm gonna go in get as much anything that I can get for the night and all so I did that we missed her I went to the girl I was with the time and I stayed at her house and I didn't talk to her next thing I know I'm gonna call for my grandma and she's asked

“like everybody's asking me if I'm okay my grandma's checking in on me my grandma's checking in on me”

they're relaying the information back to my mother but I'm not speaking to my mom and so she connects with my grandma packs all my stuff up because while this is happening she's losing the house so she lost the house and they moved into a two bedroom and was like don't let or you know where I'm at don't come get the stuff so my grandma got all my stuff brought it to the girl I was dating with at the time's house and was like have it here you go so I ended up

staying with her and I feel like that was a I just want to go home I just want to be with my mom that relationship was no better I was giving her every single one of my checks and she had every appointment schedules for every week and I was expected to pay simultaneously while she was cheating so I feel like I went into one begging for love situation and to another begging for love situation and it wasn't until about a year into college that my mom called me

because my little sister had ran away for the first time and we started speaking again and

we were getting closer and everything was fine but at the same time was it fine she never visited

me in college never knew where I lived any time that I moved out of the city that she was never there

“but she would call I guess but I think I would split like if we were good I would split up the”

calls so I could tell people maybe for a week were good because the next phone call I don't know how it's going to be I don't know if you're going to like the fact that I have a roommate in the back background who's talking too loud or so would you say she was just very short-fused honestly I think she she just had mood swings because I think you could have one day of a great great conversation it's good but if you catch her in those bad mood I don't know how long her bad mood is going to be

I don't know how long and it's like when she's good some stuff doesn't irritate her the way that when

she's bad it irritates her you know what I'm saying so we what happened I ultimately ended up

you know that relationship fell off I was in college I went to school we didn't speak pretty much the whole time I was in college unless it was about my little sister and about her and her progress and anything that involved her because when it's all said and done after my grandfather passed away me my little sister we were locked in so when I moved out I'd be myself up the hardest about leaving her so when she reached out and talked to me it was like a now's my

chance to be there for my little sister and to just be involved and maybe we can have a good relationship

because that's always what I wanted I always wanted me and my mom to get to the place where I

felt like she liked me I never felt like my mom liked me maybe when I was a kid she loved me and she did all that but like at the bare minimum I don't think she liked me so come after her I after excuse me after college I moved to Richmond and I'm living in Richmond and my little sister is good she's healthy she's happy living her best life graduated high school did all the things and it came to the point of what is me my mother's relationship and that's when I started to

and it's like I can't justify because growing up I would always say my mother took me from an

abusive household and yeah she may have given me emotional abuse but at least it wasn't abuse it you know emotional versus physical and so like she like you had mentioned she made it out to be

“that she saved you yeah so I think in your mind it's like you know I think that it's very easy”

to justify someone's actions that you care about and children are so innocent so I think you know as a child it makes sense that you looked up to her and you put her on this pedestal and you loved her yeah yeah and we're not meant to know what abuse is at that age like you can't really understand it and dissect it it almost becomes your normal even though you feel for you kind of that's your life yeah and I feel like for a long time love was about how much you did to change yourself

into receiving that love from that person so I think that that tracked into my friendships my relationships all of that because I was craving my mother I wanted my mom to validate my feelings

and I felt like she never validated my emotions yeah and as when I was younger I hated the world

I was mad at everything I was always like I got two moms and they both don't like me what was me but as I grew up and as I met other people and friendships changed I never changed and I saw that like it wasn't my fault our conversations got less and less but while our conversations got less and less for her she blamed me so she let out of the entire family know that I was strong out and I was

“an addict and I was a thief a liar home-worker a cheater all these things that I'm not so I came I think”

Easter two years ago I came to see them but I ended up getting food poisoning so I was at the hospital and I called her and I was like hey like I'm sorry you haven't heard from me the past 12 hours I've been at the hospital I literally had the ambulance come pick me up her first thought is why you're not like why didn't you call me sooner like why why not and I'm like I literally this is my first time being not hunched over down bad horrible that wasn't okay I was no mind you I am

California so that's it that is literally it so for me I was willing to take whatever drug test you wanted I was willing to go through whatever loops whatever holes whatever bounds whatever anything that she wanted me to go through because it was like anything that you're mad at me for I can

“debunk it and you can let me get so after your Easter I ended up moving back to the town that we”

are from and I was about 10 minutes away from her I never saw her one time but we started speaking

again slowly because we would do a thing where we would just fall off and just not speak until one of us just saw each other spoke so when the icing on the cake was the whole time I was living in her city you're not speaking to me because you think I'm showing out I'm telling you I'll take a drug test I'm telling you I'm doing this in this I'm telling you I'm single like I'm not even doing anything that could make you upset in the slightest and you're not seeing me so we started speaking

and her thing was if you have all these jobs who's holding your money who's managing your money now she is at a job where she's making sex for you so she feels like she is above and she can manage her money what she's doing with those six fingers is not managing her money so I did I lied to her I told her my grandma was holding my money and helping me manage my money and so she and then turn went to my grandma and she told my grandma or axe my grandma that she figured out

there was a lie and my brother was flying in for the week because my brother lives in California now and anytime my brother comes I will come anytime my brother is around I'll be around even if she's around I'm coming around because that is my person so when she found out I lied she concocted a story and let everybody know that my brother was mad at me he was going to confront me he was going to get all up in my face because he was mad that I lied to his mother so

if I had come to this dinner I'm in for it so I didn't go to the dinner my brother calls me the next day mad he's like where are you why haven't I seen you what are you doing I'm at this point in

want to this this that none of it was true so I texted my mom and I'm like hey like this is why I don't want to have a relationship with you this is why I can't do this instantly so it's going in on me telling me I'm a low-life telling me I'm not gonna amount to anything telling me she's washed her hands with me and she's no longer my mother and if she can walk this life with that my mother because like I said she's not speaking to her mom then I'm I'm just fine

by doing it and I'm just fine by being mad and for me I was mad and like I said we were low

blowing and I'm like you've always hated me for liking girls but you're in love with a man who

beats you your father is a horrible man all this in this and like I said she just talked it up to I'm talking from a place of anger and she will pray for me and since then I saw her one time before I moved down to North Carolina and she acted like I was completely stranger has an axe behind him has an axe throughout my rareabouts my life my anything and for me it hurt and I feel like a part of it still hurts but it's like I'm one I'm with somebody I'm completely

fulfilled by and to her mom asking about my day something sold little is like okay if you can do it she just doesn't want to do it has nothing to do with me has nothing to do with

“anything she just doesn't care to what to do it yeah and I think that the issue is as a human being”

you know especially when it's something weird like I feel like like I think you kind of mention this all we want is a parent's love you know and I think that as a child you like wrong for that so much especially when it's so like ingrained in you that you'd like I feel like your whole life she was very like it's there that it's not it's there and it's not it's like I

think naturally as a human like when you're given a little bit you always want more of the good

stuff you know and then it's just this constant toxic circle that you're going in and I think that you probably to this day have the soft spot for her and this care for her but then like I feel like there's Daisy you might be like like why do I feel that way for somebody that

“doesn't even care to check it on me but I think that's a very normal human feeling and reaction”

but at the same time I always say you know not the people that are placed in our life as our family that doesn't mean that they're supposed to always be there if somebody can't support and respect you and treat you kindly they don't need a place in your life you know like at it for any reason and I think that if somebody is giving you more stress and anxiety and worry and fear and everything in between they are just not good for your life you know and I like I said

I do think it's hard in the sense of we want to think especially if you're a good person you want to make everyone happy you want to please everybody you want to just be on good terms who nobody wants to be I mean unless you're a psychopath nobody wants to be on bad terms with anybody nobody what because it's like it's a burden on your shoulder it's like you can feel like yeah

“like me and this person aren't in the best of places and I think it's a different type of”

punch in the gut when you have years under your belt with somebody and they act like you don't exist yeah yeah and I think for me it's like I'm the youngest for my biological parents and I have siblings with my mother so it's like what about me and either one of the scenarios and I think that's the place that I have to do the most healing from now I think I've accepted everything could be what it is and I've accepted that I am who I am now because of everything

that's happened but in the back of my mind I can't help but feel what about me my biological mother is all over your Facebook has her kids are doing great grandkids everything is fine like I said you don't speak to her at all either okay she I feel like as I've grown I've wanted to explore that more but growing up she was the abuser that is something I do know but it's also like what was the real story what all happened what all transpired because I just don't

before my biological grandmother so my father's mother passed away she would always ask me if

I've talked to my mother and she would always be referring to Victoria would never refer to my doctor mother as my mother and did not care to yeah and for me that's telling right for me that's

and her family's in California that's what I know about her life so it's like I don't I don't know yeah I just knew to grow up feeling her right and I knew to grow up not liking her and I knew

that I could never disrespect my mother in calling Victoria my mother you know it was one of

“those things so now for me it's like I think I'm at a place where I just don't understand it yeah”

so there is bitterness but I also don't feel like it's my place to approach it because for me it's like you're you carried me at the end of the day I I was hurt by you so I feel like if you want to open that door would you have to say I shouldn't be the one that has to open that door that's how I feel and that's where you are right now yeah yeah you know like everything in life is I feel like it's I mean yeah it's a healing journey but we're constantly changing and evolving and like where

you are now might be different than where you are in a year from now you know it's always changing

and that's okay you always I always just say like you have to go with what you're feeling in in the moment now yeah yeah and you can't be hard on yourself and you're entitled to feel

“however you need to feel and I think that you need to go through feeling those different emotions”

to heal yeah and I feel like my biggest downfall has been trying to navigate the rest of the family well going no contact with her because it's like for a long time I felt like she's what brought me into the family I how else am I tied to the family and even now it's like

my brother he's always made me feel like I was nothing less than his bloodsister if he could

give me his blood he literally would and I think sometimes it's all that matters yeah yeah you know I think that we can we can easily get in our own heads and think to ourselves like like I think with anything you can just break things down until it there's nothing left to break down and drive yourself crazy but all that matters is that you know you're in a place where you're happy and you're confident with yourself and your decisions and you surround yourself with the right

type of people that you need right now and who wants to be in your life and who is in your life and respects that that's all that matters you know and if somebody makes a decision not to be there that's their loss that is nothing to do with you ever yeah and never question your worth because of blood or this or that like that blood people like there's you know growing up I was always taught like what is thicker than water but I don't agree with that like I think that

you can have the best most family type of relationships with people you have absolutely no blood of relationships blood relation to yeah yeah people that you don't even know sometimes will treat you better in a day and people will treat you in 20 years oh yeah yeah and I feel like I think for me it's about forgiving like yeah my grandmother her mother I I have my own I don't remember this we live together twice I mean when I was 23 and when I was you know 16 so it's like

we but heads and we do not agree and I think where I'm at is like I want to forgive her but I'm so I guess stuck in my way of just not wanting to but she kept my dog when I moved to North Carolina and I she lives alone he's an emotional support he's great I love him but it's also like he was my dog so I think I'm holding a grudge over her and plus I found out she knew a lot that was going on in the home and just didn't know how to grow about it yeah she just didn't know how to

speak up and maybe it's because she was raised in an abusive household and so that was her norm but for me it's like I don't understand how you can talk all this game about how you love

“and care and and that's what I'm saying I I feel like I need to forgive the older generation and”

understand more but I'm so angry at my mom I'm just stuck in okay let's just be mad let's just not forgive anybody but I I know that that affects me am I going to say it's almost like you need to find forgiveness within yourself not to mend the relationship but to kind of view it differently but once again like genuinely that takes time anybody that tells you like just just forget like it's ruining your own mental health like okay yeah but it's easier so than done you know and

there yet so right now you ain't your anger you feel bitter like allow yourself to feel that but I

think you know it's not always about like the first thought we have it's like the second thought we have you

know we can feel this thought of anger and bitterness and whatever else we immediately think of the person but I think if we can kind of like after we have that initial thought and feeling if we can kind of shift right after to be like okay like yes I feel that way but it's not good for me like I don't have to be angry at this person anymore if anything I just have to feel bad for them yeah I honestly I feel like the anger is the last thing I have yeah I've moved I've developed my own

life my own family my own everything and it's like they are non-volved they don't talk they don't

“be so it's like the only thing I have of them is anger and after that it's like I don't think I'm fully”

ready to accept like life would hurt a lot less to not have them in your life you know I don't think I'm ready to fully accept that but it's like it's been it's been like a year and a half now I'm ready to accept it but subconsciously I think I'm still waiting and hoping that hey something could shift something to change but at the end of the day it's like I'm 26 when I have kids and when I'm an adult and hindsight you're not a you're not the type of person

I want around my kid knowing that I was I was just the kid you did not like me as a kid and I did not deserve that so I don't feel like you deserve access to my kid or my family or my life for anything like that and so I know it's going to take more healing but I know that I'm in a place that accepts that my new reality and anybody I choose to consider family is going to be different and it isn't going to hurt and I feel like for the first time in my entire life I don't have

a relationship with anybody that I'm begging to love yeah and that and I feel like for me that's a lot because I feel like I spent a long time in friendships and relationships conforming and just doing anything I could to make sure that person didn't leave regardless of if I was happy

I was comfortable I was this I was bad I mean I've never broken up with a person I've always done

things to maybe stop doing things because it's like I don't know how to stop giving love I just know how to get it taken I guess so now it's like I don't want to be that person and I don't want to be around anybody that I feel like I have to fix myself for this is me this is this is what you

“got this is what you get and I feel like that's why I can't speak to my mom and my siblings I”

saw the time they're like it's so crazy you're not speaking to mom it's crazy how like you think it's going to be forever and it's like I don't expect to never see her ever again my sibling still all have to get married one's engaged ready it's just like I know we're going to be in the same facilities but if we can't have a conversation about what I want to have a conversation about

we can never move forward and I know it's gonna hurt my I know she's gonna hurt my feelings

I we cannot have a civilized conversation because she's still till this day I listen to stories with my siblings and she lacks accountability and the smallest things with them so it's like you're not ready to have a conversation with me and I'm like that's like we said one day that

“could change and I think that even then it's like it might be this kind of full circle moment where”

you have a relationship but there are boundaries that and I think that that's fine as well but you know what I wanted to say was you gotta give yourself some some grace because you are still so young and it takes people you know sometimes until they're in their 50s or 60s to get to the point where you're at right now you know so it's like I feel like you're already in a in a good place to start your healing journey and where you are healing and I just think that

I think anger is and bitterness isn't easy thing to hold on to and I think like you said maybe it's a way of you not wanting to fully let things go like it feels better to feel some emotion than no emotion towards it yeah yeah I think I don't I don't know how my default setting is silent so it's like in my head I promise you it's not silent so it's like I don't know how to calm the noise when it comes to them and right now I'm all I'm here is anger

you know what I'm saying all I'm hearing is bitterness or mad like I'm literally in a completely

I am alone yeah you don't know the life I've created out here you don't know the relationship

I've maintained out here you don't know any of that you're still basing everything on my past and what that is thin and it's like I am so much better 10, 9, 9, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9 that I just understand. Egalobstudium, Job, or Unzu.

Custom? Cras? I don't know how to do it. Do you want to know? Save?

With Viso Steuja. I have the healthiest relationship about anybody in my family. And, we're not even married. Now, not to two my own home,

but I feel like that says a lot when knowing the dynamics that we came from. And it's like, fine. You don't want to see all that fine, but for me, sometimes that makes me mad.

And I feel like maybe that is the part of the image that I did pick up from her because it's like, I want to show you where I'm at. I want you to see how good I'm doing without you.

“I think you just want, I think that's the little”

you and they're just wanting to make those people proud. There's nothing wrong with that. Look, I think everybody wants their family to be proud of them. And to care and to, like, who wouldn't want,

like in a perfect world, yeah, it's like we shouldn't do anything to like try to, you know, get the approval of others. But at the same time, I think it's, in my opinion, I think it's the child in you.

I don't think it's an image thing. But it's not about what the world thinks. It's about just having them realize how well you're doing. And that's a normal feeling.

Everything is feeling is so human and so normal. It just sucks. You know, you're right though, because I do feel like, my inner child is finally at peace. My inner child is finally happy

and proud of who I became. Yeah. So in turn, I don't think she realizes like, where the family is now. Like you, for my inner child,

I'm where she thought I would need to be to get that love. Yeah. And it's like, now I'm a completely different person. I'm non-binary, I don't speak to them. I, when I came out of his non-binary,

I don't think my mom has any idea. She had no clue. And it's like, I don't know if it's the new me, not wanting to bring her energy into or what,

but it's like, if she never knows,

I'm totally okay with that because you never knew me to begin with. Yeah. I'm just sorry, but you never knew. Yeah, you never, so it doesn't matter either way.

Yeah. It just sucks. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's a bittersweet feeling.

Yeah. Now that I'm growing up, I feel like it's so, it's so bittersweet.

“And I think what scares me is to not care at all.”

Crazy enough. I think it scares me too feel absolutely nothing because at one point that was my entire love. I went into the military for my mother. I did any and everything she asked to do to make her okay.

And it's like now that I'm living for myself. And now that I have my own ideas and concepts. Yeah. That's more important to you. Yeah.

Yeah. Peace silence quiet. All of these things are foreign concepts. And it's like, I don't, this is the first time I don't have a single, just like unjustifiable relationship or a single,

toxic thing happening. Like everything is peaceful and quiet. And I don't know what's, it's chaotic to me. That for me is chaotic. Right.

That makes sense. And I feel like it's a very relatable thing for a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm just trying to get to the place where it's like, I'm happy in my piece.

So I want to be always at peace in it.

I don't want to feel like it's chaotic or like it's going to slip from my new me. 'Cause I feel like that's definitely for me peace is temporary. I mean, everything is temporary. I was literally thought there's nothing that is not temporary. Everything is.

For me, it's like, I, not that I'm waiting for the ball to drop. Because like I said, it's been like a year and a half. Everything's happy. Everything's healthy. But it's like in the back of my head.

It's like, is somebody going to pop up? Is my mom like, what's going to happen?

“I think it's something that like you can mentally be prepared for.”

But you don't stress about it.

And whoever it's meant to go in that moment is how it's going to go. You know, my favorite thing you do is stress. You got to stop. You got to meditate. And I need to learn.

I need to learn. 'Cause I tried in high school when I first moved out. I tried to get into meditation and I tried to get into that and do all that. But try again. Yeah, I need to.

Yeah. It takes time. But the whole point is just to find out peace and quiet within yourself. It's more like the lead you just so much. Self-acceptance, I think, too. And just you, it's easier said than done.

You know, and I think that when, like I said, when there's this. When this was your life for so long, it's so hard to rewire your brain. Yeah. And to go backwards and like unravel all of this toxic pattern bullshit. But like the more you work on it and the more you tell yourself and show yourself this new version of your life and you.

You're just going to, you're building this new future for yourself.

“You know, and I think that that's what kind of like what I was saying with the second thought.”

It's like we naturally like our first thought in my opinion is going to be the thought that's so like wired in us from our whole life. But that second thought is what's going to change our future. Yeah. You know, like you have to keep reminding yourself like, no, I don't need to think this way. This is the new way. Like things are fine. Things are good, you know?

Yeah.

It's hard. Yeah. Because fight or fight has always been my mode.

Yeah. I don't know how to not live in like a survival type mode. And I honestly don't know how to navigate love without any pieces of survival in it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I think I'm so used to having to do something or having to be something or having to, it doesn't come effortlessly. Yeah. So now that it's coming to me effortlessly and people who are seeing me, it's like, I don't. I'm having a hard time believing it.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I think I've lost my trust in people. Now that I don't talk to the people I don't trust. I don't know if that makes sense. But that's all about navigating.

And I'm very stop aware. Thankfully, I feel like that's one thing that living in my head is taught me. It's, I'm so aware. And I thought about everything. That's a really important aspect to have within yourself.

“And I think that it says a lot that you are willing to be so open and so vulnerable about your story.”

And about these portions of your life that you're willing to come on a public platform and speak about it.

Like to me, I always tell people that it's a huge part in self-awareness and a healing journey.

That is no small thing. Yeah. And I'm at the point where I want to heal. And I want to jump start the journey because I know that my life we go so many places. Yeah. And I know I have so much to live.

So I don't want to harp on this because like any time something good happens. I want to tell her. I want to, and then it's like sometimes when I'm sad. It's like, I want to call my mom. But it's also like, I don't have that nurturing figure.

So I've navigated it and it hasn't been easy. But I also think I'm doing it to myself in a sense. I'm putting up walls with people that don't need the walls because I'm hurt by my mother. You know what I'm saying? I've shut my god mom out and she's done absolutely nothing.

But because y'all live in the same area, I just don't speak to you the way that I should. You know what I'm saying? It's like I just, I know I have a lot of work. But I know I am so much more than what I could have been. And I'm proud of myself.

But I'm also critical of myself at the same time because like I know I'm not where I want to be.

But I'm so thankful. I'm not where I was. You know what I'm saying? You've had a lot of grown. Yeah, for sure.

And there's still more that needs to happen. But I feel like it's been, it's been a journey. It's been a time. It's been a time. Well, I think you did amazing.

Well, thank you. Of course, was there any other aspects you want to add? And either points? I don't think so. I don't know.

I don't know. I've just been talking. I don't know how long it's been. I don't know. No, I want to make sure you got everything out that you want to say.

I think you did amazing. I was going to say, do you think there's anything that I should add? Is it true? No, no. No.

I was going to say enough. Okay. I think you did amazing. Yeah, I think I did a great job. And like I said, I really think it's, it's really something a lot of people can relate to.

And so many ways. Like it doesn't have to even just be like mother figure situation. Yeah. You know, a father situation, a sibling situation, a friend situation. It could be any.

Yeah.

“And I feel like that's why I want it because like I feel like now.”

Especially the type of person I am. I'm not so open with my story.

I mean, it's, but it's like now.

“I feel like, not that you would be surprised about the story.”

But I feel like some people probably hold it in because they don't think other people can relate or Yeah. And it's like anybody can literally anybody can relate or everybody has a different story. Everybody has something that they could say or tell. And it's like, I know my story.

And once I get to like the pinnacle of growth is, I'm going to want to tell it all the time again. But it's like slow start. I got to. I agree with you. Plus this.

Yes, your platforms amazing.

I could, but the vibes that you said, I love, I love that you're not like, oh, yeah. I have damn near two million followers. This is a big part of like, it's still so chill. It's intimate. It's like, it's not intimidating.

It's just intimidating. Yeah. It's not intimidating. Yeah. For sure.

And the thing, like, I just wanted to be a space for people to share. Yeah. Literally, like you said, everyone has a story.

“And the interesting thing, too, is like, I think so many people can relate.”

Like, one person might relate to one aspect of your story and not the other aspect. And then someone else might be the complete ops. Yep. You know, when I think the whole point of the platform, you know, for me is so that people can just listen to someone naturally tell their story without any like, I don't know, like, somebody dictating what they say or just share this part.

Like the craziest part.

I always look at it like a book.

Yeah. You know, if you just read a book and you only read like the climax of the book, you'd be like, you will, why would you care? I like, I love for people to come and kind of describe from beginning to end. Like their childhood to get the background tells where you what happened, where you are now. Like all the ins and outs of it.

And I've really just created the space to get people a voice. And I think not only is it kind of this, like, release for the guest. But then look, it's like this huge domino effect. It helps so many people that are listening. It's like it builds this invisible community kind of.

For sure. For sure. Yeah. There's always always a story that needs to be heard and told and shared. And if I can be part of someone's killing journey or if I can, you know, give someone a voice that'll help somebody else.

It's listening. It's like, makes the biggest difference. Because think about it. Even if somebody, we live in such a crazy world where I feel like half the world is accepting and open. And the other half is so closed off.

And, you know, judgmental. So it's like, if somebody can listen to this and feel like, wow, like, I can, I can be myself. Like, I don't have to shut down who I am because of the people that raised me or the people that are around me. Yeah. Fuck that.

Like, everyone should just be themselves. No, you know. Yeah.

“Even if it means being alone, like, you're not, I think, in my opinion, you're more alone by suppressing who you are.”

And having people around with it don't support you. And genuinely just like being by yourself and being who you are. Yeah. And now as you say that, I feel like I am just suppressing myself. And that's why I feel alone.

Yeah. Because of like trauma and distrust of people. I feel like I'm just not being me because I'm scared. Like, I don't know. People will scare me now.

Yeah. And I feel like that's something that I don't want. I'm trying to get out of. I think this is a really easy. Yeah.

I was going to say this was like, I was just scared. This was very much so exposed.

I'm saying, though, it's like, right, I mean, you would never think you're scared to, like,

to come on and tell it all to a stranger. Yeah. And it's not somebody that's scared. So don't, you know, like, give yourself credit. Yeah.

It's a big thing to do. I just got to get out of my head. And when it's all said, you're done. Get out of there.