R*ped By My Mom

I've officially launched a new subscription channel called We're All Insane Plus.

“Where inside, you will get access to never before heard bonus episodes.”

All podcast episodes completely commercial free. And my brand new show, we're all healing where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors, and healers to talk about how we actually process pain, reconnect with our true selves and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to We're All Insane Plus in app on apple podcasts or Spotify, or you can head over to We're All Insane.com to learn more.

You can say that you can do it.

You can do it. But you can't do it.

“I'm not. I'm just going to do it. I'm just going to do it. And if you work, you can do it.”

- That's right. - Save. How do you do it? I'm going to do it. Now, let's go. Born, or right before I was born. Because it kind of started then. My whole life has been really nuts.

I was born to a 17 year old who's mother. So my grandmother did not want her to have me.

But she didn't let her know that she was pregnant with me until like a boy's it was not an option anymore. She was too far along. And my grandma worked for the state, I guess. And she had a friend that was a social worker. It's like worked with adoptive families or whatever. So literally like three months before I was born, they met my adoptive family up at a cafe. And within that hour over dinner, they decided, yep, you're going to go to these people that we don't know.

And I really wish, I mean granted, this was back in the 90s. So, you know, what I should have could have. But really, what I wish that they would have looked into them just a little bit more. Maybe you followed their gut a little bit. Because the people that ended up adopting me were not the greatest folks. My adoptive family, I was only person that they adopted. So I grew up as a single child. And starting from some of my earliest memories, my adoptive mother used to rate me.

She would digitally rate me after bath times. And she would use like the diaper rest cream, decetent. And that was kind of like her thing was like, oh, it's necessary because you get UTIs. But in hindsight, like the UTIs were caused definitely by that. So, but to me, it wasn't like, I guess abnormal. It was definitely scary. But a lot of my childhood was scary. So you were with the adoptive parents since you were like

day one. Got it. Okay. So I don't even know when this started. Right. So. And did they live close to your biological mother? Well, I mean, I guess they used to, I'm originally from Washington State. Okay. So they lived maybe in hours drive up I-5 away from each other. So it wasn't like a horrible distance. But now certainly, I live very far away. Yeah. And then, and during this time, it was like no contact with the biological mother.

So I had, I guess an open adoption until I was three. Okay. And the story goes that one time we were meeting up at the same cafe. And I had really taken a liking to my biological mother. And I had asked her to come have a sleepover at my house. And she was like, no, I can't. And I was like, well, I'll let you share my toothbrush. And I was like three. And I guess that that really broke my biological mom's heart because she knew that she couldn't. So she kind of like had to leave.

And that was the last time that I saw her up until I was 13 years old. Because after that,

“I think it threatened my adoptive mother granted this speculation because I don't remember.”

But they decided my adoptive parents decided that's it. We're not entertaining the open

knowledge up until I don't know like mid childhood, I guess. But they did not let me see her at all

“until I was 13. And I did remember my biological mom because when all this was going on like”

after baths times and my adoptive mom was doing that to me, I remember like dissociating and thinking about being like in my biological mother's arms. Like I knew who she was. I don't remember a time

that I didn't know that I was adopted. And I remember like largely in my childhood, I would always

kind of fantasize about scenarios where they would come rescue me or they would, you know, I'd end up with them somehow some way and what life would be like with my biological family. So that was that was a huge thing that got me through. And when you put question, when you say digitally rape you, she was filming it, is that what you meant? No, like with her fingers. So like digital, like got I've never heard it described that. Yeah. Okay, got it. So that's yeah. So she would go like

inside me with her fingers like totally. Yeah. And she's doing it on the diaper rest cream. Yes, with the diaper rest cream and she would reapply it to the point where I would have orgasms. So it was very, very traumatic. Absolutely. But yeah. So that happened and also I remember my my adoptive parents, they from very early on kind of acted like I was the bad guy and looking

“back, I think it was just to like discredit me from everybody because if I'm crazy, then I'm not”

believable, right? So from very early on, I was like the problem child that like they just couldn't handle and pour it off to parents, you know, we don't know what to do. And I remember times that, you know, I'd get in trouble for something really stupid and little, you know, I have kids now. It's something that would be like, don't do that and that's that. But they would, you know, I would like refuse to pick up my toys for instance and they would lock me in my bedroom for

they have admitted to me up to four hours when I was five years old. But I can imagine that it was a lot longer than that. It felt like a lot longer than that. When I've talked to my adoptive dad in my adulthood about what I remember, he kind of like made it seem very nonchalant like like they had to do that to me and he told me that they'd put me in the room and I would scream like my arms were being chopped off for hours up until I would just suddenly stop screaming and he said that

it was like I had amnesia, like I just forgot what I was in there for at that point. So between being, I guess like neglected in that way, because they, they would put me in the room and I remember them holding the door shut because I would, you know, try to fight and get out of

there at first and it was going to be in there for a minute. But then I also remember like hearing

the door knob click and hearing them walk away and then I'd kind of like quietly like open the door and see if they were still there and if they weren't then I could like I was free like go use the bathroom that was next door to my room or you know whatever just as long as they didn't know that I was leaving that room because luckily there was no like walk on it but they you know would definitely drag me back in there if they realized that I loved the room and so I grew up largely just wishing

“for my biological family like that's what I remember the most of is just like get me the hell out”

of here you know and when I was a younger child I also naturally because of what was happening to me had a lot of like deviant sexual behaviors I remember when I was about seven years old I had a friend

who was in the same grade as me so we were in the second grade but I think that this was like the

summer is either knows the summer after first grade so we were almost in second grade and I would go over to her house and she I remember she would go to her mom's room and get her mom's like adult

and touch each other and that was kind of something that she started honestly like I that wasn't

something that I started I had started things with like other boys around my age by that time

“but never with with a girl like that and I remember one time we were talking and I told her about”

how like I wanted to have like actual sex and she was like well I bet that like my brother would agree to it and he was like five years older than me to the day so he was 12 and I was seven and I don't remember I feel like I was too chicken shit to go ask myself so I don't remember if she went to go ask him or what the next thing that I remember is that we did end up having sex multiple times

when I was about seven years old which to like until recently I totally thought was

consensual because it was my idea right like I thought that that was my choice to make like I knew it wasn't normal and that it was bad and that you know if we got caught which I ended up getting caught that I was going to get in trouble but I didn't realize that that was like child on child sexual abuse and realized that like I couldn't really consent at that age and they had to have had something going on yeah they're family because that's I just feel like typically

that's just not yeah oh yeah you know I feel like those just aren't the thoughts that

children should be having at that age absolutely not I mean you know kids definitely

I guess like explore their bodies naturally and might you know try to explore with another friend or something but yeah but like to that degree at that age too where you're not like three or four and just kind of like oh what's this you know like and even to have the thought of like oh my brother will do it I just say that's yeah exactly so I don't know so how long did that go on for it

“it wasn't that long I think it just lasted during that summer because I do remember fairly vividly”

my adoptive mother coming to their house and she was crying she's a big cryer but she's crying and freaking out and I remember her wanting to call my dad from work and she was kind of getting into it with their mom it was their mom who who caught us could be up in the upstairs play room on the floor and I feel like she had like almost caught us before too because I remember we'd have a blanket over us and he had a TV with like some sort of gaming system and I remember like

my job was to be like the scout so the door had to stay open to the playroom but right across the hall from this playroom door was the stairs leading up from the downstairs so my job essentially was to kind of listen out for footsteps to see if anybody was approaching and if it was and we would like throw the blanket kind of on top of us and like get off each other and then like kind

“of pretend that we were like playing a video game watching TV or something and so I remember I feel like”

at least one time she came in and was like probably told us the dinner time or something like that and I just remember being into the blanket and thinking like can she see my pants around my ankles right now like is that showing I can't tell you know and I was just like frozen I was terrified but yeah I remember when we would have sex it did hurt like because he was like bigger than my anatomy and sometimes he would like go too far in and so we'd have to be like in almost like a

like a sideline position like make it work and I remember when he would finish I'd have to like stay like connected to him because I would we were afraid of like a mess you know so I would like to like stay connected to him and like reach around for something that was on the floor for like him to kind of wipe up with and he would directly know you know don't don't get that reach without or whatever and then I remember when he was done and he's cleaned himself up that I would

run down the hallway so they're the playroom had the hallway and then like to the right I guess there was it was a laundry room but it had like a weird little bathroom in it to where the toilet was like

remember like this is just how like little I was I remember thinking that I needed to like wet the toilet paper to wash myself off with because like in restaurants and things like if I got something

on my face my mom would always like dip the napkin in her glass of water whatever and like wipe it off

“and so that I thought that's what I was supposed to do and then I remember being so afraid”

that for when they'd catch me wetting this toilet paper in the sink out there and for two like it would just like fall apart it would just crumble and I would just be like terrified that like they would see these pieces or that you know I wasn't getting it all or whatever um and was he and feel free not to answer any questions I asked all as well was he finishing inside of you? yeah I just like can't but I know that age it's just yeah and for him to even like it's it's

very interesting to me like how he knew what to do you know what I'm like even the positions and stuff it just you don't it's crazy to me that that he that was a thought at such a young age yeah I do remember it being somewhat directed by me like I remember at first we were trying more of like like a missionary type position but it would hurt because he would go into far and I remember it would be like like a lightning bolt like shooting pain like in my cervix it would hurt really bad

and so but I thought because in my mind this was so much more consensual than my experiences

“with my adopted mother so well and I think too you know when and this has been talked about”

multiple times on the show but when you're brought up with such sexual experiences I think can go up to I mean it can go up multiple ways but I think either people are like completely close off to it or it kind of encourages you to be more hypersexual and these acts become more normal like they're not really looked at as like even though I feel like you were scared of getting in trouble I just feel like at the same time it was it wasn't as like oh this is so wrong

at this age you know because this has been happening to you from someone you're supposed to trust since you can remember yeah I mean I knew it was wrong because I had gotten caught like in my closet with boys who were like in my kindergarten or like a Sunday school or whatever when they'd come over to my house and then I remember like my dad catching me specifically once and this was like you know kindergarten age and did anything ever happen with your dad and you

did they adopt it? no okay no he was never involved to my knowledge really the like the only time

that I remember him ever being like involved in any way is one time when my mom was raping me so she she would lay down a towel between the toilet and the side of like the sink that was in the bathroom and I would lay in between there and she would kind of sit like opposite of the toilet in front of me and I remember one time I kicked her like pretty hard and she was like tucking again or I'm gonna get your dad to like discipline you and I kicked her again and I was like

fuck you basically and I remember her getting up going to go get my dad I remember hearing her kind of tell him that I was kicking her whatever and I just remember just being frozen in that moment laying down like and I was completely naked too and and he came in and he saw me laying there like that and to me as an adult now thinking back like that is a huge red flag you know like how did he not know that that was happening to me because of how that must have looked but he came in and he told

me to apologize to her and I said no and he picked up my naked body and he put me in my room and

“that was that so he he's very much somebody who I think likes to play ignorance because if he”

doesn't know then he can't be you know found it fall or whatever we lived in like a two story house and some of my bedroom and bathroom where this was happening was on the upstairs level and he

would largely be downstairs like on the family computer or something so he was he was never

around in this it was always my mom but but yeah I always knew that it was something I guess to be

in trouble like that but I just remember feeling so like like I just needed to be quiet and just

trying to be as quiet as I could and so I really don't know whether you know how much he really knew or not but going back to what you were saying about how you know it can either kind of shut you down to this or it can like really make you hyper sexual I personally believe like for me anyways that it made me super hyper sexual just because of the nature of it because she was inducing

“orgasms with me so like I remember during nap time at preschool so I must have been three years old”

because when I went to preschool when to preschool when I was three pre-care when I was four so I must have been three when this was happening and they had nap time during preschool. As the day wraps up get this scoop on what's been happening with here's the scoop but new podcast from NBC News with meteor host Gazzman to sugiip will take a deep dive into the day's top stories with NBC News's trusted journalist it's a fresh take that's sharp thoughtful

and it's informative bringing closer to the headlines and conversations that are shaping our world and the front page to the zeitgeist here's the scoop from NBC News listen daily on Spotify and I remember trying to be so quiet and like touch myself and like try to like put my fingers inside of me and I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn't replicate that sensation like I couldn't get like far enough up in me or like the right angle or whatever and I remember I would

do this like every nap time too that I would masturbate quietly and to the point where like I don't even know how they didn't know maybe they did know because I remember times multiple times that the teachers would bring my caught over next to where they sat at their table because I was

“being too loud but of course I think was ever done or said so I don't really know I do remember”

one time that I wet myself on the mat and I didn't think that so like when my mother was abusing me

I would frequently urinate and it would always like kind of like seep into the towel like it

wouldn't go out of where but these mats were like waterproof so I got all over my clothes there's the most embarrassing thing because I had to get up and go to my little cubby and get my change of clothes and like I was fully potty trained and very like OCD already at this point so it was like the walk a shame to like go like get these clothes and then like go to the bathroom and change into my new clothes because of what I was doing so looking back is just so crazy to me that

nobody really stepped up and did anything for me because it seems so obvious like inherently obvious kind of fast-forwarding a little bit into my story but it kind of marries in with the whole

“somebody should have known thing I remember when I was in fourth grade and I was 10 years old”

we used to sit in groups of four at our tables and there was this kid and his name was Ryan I don't remember his last name but I tried to like think of who it actually was so I could like reach out and apologize to this guy because it must have traumatized him so like Ryan if you're watching this I'm so sorry but I devised a little plan that we were going to go into the girl's bathroom in our elementary school and we were going to have sex in the elementary school bathroom

and it was finally time to like execute this plan and so I went in there first and one of the

big stall and then he left and he followed me in there and he was like attempting to kind of like take off his pants and he was really nervous about it and I was just trying to like basically agamon and just be like no you know we gotta do this you know and that's when this girl walked in to the bathroom and it scared the crap out of him and he went running out of that bathroom stall and I just remember sitting there kind of like the king prawn meme just like what's happening what's going on

because he ran out and then the other girl she ran out behind and I knew that they were going to go get teachers which they did and so everybody knew that I was doing that and I remember like visiting the school counselor after that a couple times but my dad he worked for the school district and I

somebody that like everybody knew and everybody worked with so I remember them coming to the school

and picking me up but I was never suspended and never really like there was never CBS involvement

there was never you know the cops nothing it was just like you gotta come get your kid for the day and then I had a very awkward conversation with them at home because they sat me down and they were like you know why are you doing this basically and at that time I had no good explanation for why I was doing it so I came up with the excuse of what I want to be like my biological mom and I want to have a baby and in my head like that was like a logical explanation

to tell these folks to like why this would make sense and that's really when that started because once I

started kind of like having to tell my parents this and then they also had me seeing like psychologist

and stuff because they they actually went and doctor shop until they found a psychologist I would diagnose me with bipolar disorder which I do not have but I was like eight when they diagnosed with bipolar disorder to excuse my sexual behaviors and my aggressive tendencies I guess. And it makes me wonder if your adopted mother was scared or worried that you would end up telling a therapist or a psychologist about what was happening. Yeah well according to my

“adoptive dad because I don't remember anything that I told these folks. Okay but he tells me that”

I would go in and have these sessions with these psychologists and they'd come out and talk to them afterwards and be like oh we're making such huge progress this is what she told us and that he would tell them oh she's lying that's tall tails but that's that's a complete lie and they would believe them so I don't know what I was saying right so they it was it goes back to what each other in the beginning of they just wanted you to look like crazy yeah but they did a really

good job of because my I mean they destroyed my mental health very early on so I did look pretty crazy you know to the public I guess. I mean you know it's like at this point obviously up this was long ago but at this point in society in the world you would hope that even if someone is well respected or works with you and you think they're the best person or whatever it might be if these signs are coming up and happening it's better to be wrong and look into it

than ignore it and brush them with the rug and because even going back to the brother and sister

“that you were hanging out with like in my opinion I think there might have been something happening”

there and best case scenario it's not and they're just curious but I think that as an adult if you see these red flags check it out oh yeah I mean the boys for the child that doesn't know any better yeah because they're obviously not going to do it for themselves because they're terrified of getting caught right because they knew that it's you know you're going to get trouble especially if they gotten caught before or if they aren't telling and they're just being told that they're you know

people are saying that they're liars I'm not going to get anywhere exactly exactly so so yeah they that was that was something that really kind of quickly became a thing in my life of oh I'm going to get pregnant like that I told it so many times to like these psychologists and to my parents that like I kind of believed it almost myself it like this is why I'm doing this and so from I mean from that point we know when I was 10 up until I got pregnant with my

daughter my oldest daughter when I was just turned 17 I had your biological mom right sorry that's the same as your biological mom yeah yeah so that's when I had my oldest daughter was when I was 17 years old but I I was just how one it out you know that was it was to the point where like my daughter parents knew about it they would put like like the norton security stuff like on the home computer and they had like a motion camera

that would sense when I left at night but they would never do anything about it like they might

“like lock me out of my account on the computer but I remember specifically leaving in the middle”

of the night seeing this camera and being like and leaving and then I'd never hear anything about it because I knew that they wouldn't follow up on something so brazen I don't think

67 because my so her father my grandfather got dementia and he was moving from assisted

living places to eventually he moved in with my aunt so my adoptive mom and sister and then she would travel to go help her take care of him so then she was gone for a long period of time

“and I I think that gave my body a chance to heal so then these UTIs were no longer like a”

thing okay so that's kind of when that stopped but the very last time that she touched me honestly was when I was 17 because she she was I don't think she worked in labor and delivery at that moment but she used to work in labor and delivery as a nurse because she was a registered nurse and

she we lived like three minute drive away from the hospital but like with traffic it might have

been a little bit more and we kept going because I would have braxton hex and just you know false contractions and stuff so it would keep going and they'd keep sending me home so for like the last month I was just kind of like almost in continual pre-labor and before my daughter was born fairly close to right before she was born she decided to to check me for dilation to see if they would admit me to the hospital or not and like that like to me seemed I guess warranted or normal

or maybe even like a like a plus like hey mom I'm trying to do this you know it's it's fine it's fine for her to touch my good eye on no big deal but that's the last time I'm in granted it didn't go

“really any further than that but looking back like that's really inappropriate and I think that that's”

why my daughter almost died at birth because I quickly developed choreo infection in my uterus and so she came out all gray and very low at bar scores you know not movin or anything like that she had stand in the neck you for a minute to make sure that she didn't get the infection which I think God she didn't but kind of thinking back in my head like she probably introduced that infection because she I don't think she was running gloves she definitely it wasn't like a hygienic

you know thing it was on her bed so but that's the very last time that she had ever touched me in that way so so that went on until like the actual like raping until orgasm type thing happened until I was probably like six or seven ish I remember getting like more sadistic as time went on because

looking back to like this was not for her sexual gratification she never had me touch her to like my

recollection it was about power and control is about like sadism like she just wanted me to suffer she wanted to be in control of my body because I guess maybe because I was so out of control like in public or whatever because I would freak out I had very high anxiety and a very strong will and

“so it was very much about power and control and I I remember it getting like progressively worse”

especially when I was around like five or six because she would just like she would go like super slow and this like still kind of foxed me to this day because she would go so slow that like I basically like was trying to like direct her or like telling her like keep doing her to whatever to like make it you know and and she would I remember there were times that she wouldn't stop when I had an orgasm and she would just keep continuing going and I remember when this would happen like I can still

feel in the top of my head where my head would hit the baseboard that was on the wall behind me because I would just almost feel like a bridge and just like try like get away from her and obviously you know she kind of had me pinned so that and really worked out too well I remember like trying like alligator roll kind of out of it but that happened and then I kind of almost took it from there once my grandfather got dementia and she stopped doing that then I started seeking it out of my own

it got to the points where I guess out of desperation when I was around 13 years old they got in contact with my biological mother and was like come help this kid because that's all I wanted I mean I was so adamant about like wanting any like inkling of information about her or any like pictures anything and of course by this time you know it was the whole I'm gonna get pregnant thing and be just like her so they I guess wanted her to come in and give me some sort of intervention

happening is she was completely blindsided I remember the first time that like I remember when I was

13 I asked to go on a walk with her around my neighborhood and I told her that I thought I might be pregnant I knew I wasn't pregnant I definitely was testing the waters to see if she would do anything if she would step in if she would protect me if she would run away and fortunately the latter is basically what happened because and I don't really blame her because she at the time

“her husband was deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan I think Iraq and she had three young kids under”

age of five herself that she was essentially a single parent too and then you know my adopted

parent basically kind of invite her in and not tell her the full extent of what's going on with me

and so when she realizes that like I'm as messed up as I am she like I remember once I told her that she started screaming at me she's like you're like 13 you're only 13 what are you doing and we went back to my house and she locked herself for I guess my adopted mom locked herself and my biological mom like in her bedroom and I wasn't in there with them but I could hear on the opposite side of the door and my adopted mom was like crying and I guess you told her

“about the incident that happened when I was 10 in the fourth grade and basically after that like my”

biological mother really kind of kept me at a distance because she whatever was said in that room had convinced my biological mother that I was a danger to her kids basically that I was crazy and out there and just doing Lord knows what which I mean to extend I was but really kind of ruined our ability to have a good relationship but that really messed with me in that moment because that was my escape plan basically like that was something that I had dreamed about the day happening

and just you know like I would have done anything to go with her but that it was clear that was not happening and shortly after that they brought my biological dad into my life and he he and his family were a lot more accepting his mother in particular like I named my eldest daughter after her and unfortunately I only got to know her for about a year before she passed away from liver services but she was really the only one in the family that tried to like you know not have me adopted like she she didn't really

have I guess a lot of like courage to stand up to my maternal grandmother because my maternal grandmother is very much like a bulldog personality like she's gonna get what she wants so she didn't really have a say and she was married to my grandfather who was an alcoholic so they weren't really like in the best spot to have me but she when I met her when I was 14 you know basically accepting me with open arms and stuff like that and I was thinking oh finally you know like finally I

“have somebody who gives a shit about me and I think looking back my adopted parents certainly”

did not know what to do with me I think they wanted to upon me off on my biological family like I remember being allowed to call my real dad dad and my biological family like really wanted to make sure that I was okay with my adoptive family because like you know in any like logical circumstance that would be offensive but they were like no we don't care we don't care go on hi guys you can subscribe now to we are all insane plus for only 599 a month and it includes ad free listening

bonus episodes of we're all insane guided meditations exclusive access to my brand new show we're all healing and first access to new merch drops and discounts on merch to get instant access to we're all insane plus you can subscribe inside of Apple Spotify and YouTube or you can

go to or all insane dot com when it comes to feeding my dog I've always felt this tension I want to

give them real fresh healthy food but I also need something that's actually convenient I don't have

excited to find Sundays Sundays was founded by veterinarian and mom Dr. Tori Waxman who was sick and tired of premium dog foods that were packed with fillers and synthetic ingredients so she created something better air dried real food made in a human grade kitchen with ingredients you can actually recognize real meat fruits and vegetables no kibble no weird additives no mystery ingredients that you have no idea what they are and I love love love that it is just

scoop and serve no freezer no thong no mess at all since switching I have noticed the biggest difference in both of my dogs they have much better energy a softer coat and just that overall happy thriving vibe you want for your dog and it honestly feels so good knowing that I'm feeding them something made with care and not something that's designed to just sit on a shelf for years if you've been thinking about upgrading your dog's food it take this as your sign make this witch

to Sundays go right now to sundaysfor dogs dot com slash insane 50 and get 50% off your first order

or you can use code insane 50 at checkout that's 50% off your first order at sundaysfor dogs dot com slash insane 50 sundaysfor dogs dot com slash insane 50 or use code insane 50 at checkout

“and but eventually I think came to a point I don't I don't remember a whole lot surrounding”

this or like why they decided that this was going to happen but I assume it's they figured that my biological family it was not going to take me in and that's when they decided and when I was 14 that they were going to send me to a place called Heartlight Ministries in Texas and I don't know if you've ever seen or heard of the movie holes or the book holes it's like that exactly like that where you are wearing an orange prison jump suit outside in Texas working hours if you said the word

hell that's four hours you had to work outside like if you cost if you tried to do something more serious like run away or try to commit suicide or something they would take away all your belongings everything and make you were an orange prison jump suit and from morning to night with only breaks to like eat basically you'd be working outside so and I got trouble a lot so I was wearing that side a lot but that largely did a lot more damage than good because I was there for a year

so from September 2010 to September 2011 I was there for and in that situation I mean I remember being like horribly bullied through it and granted everybody's there for like pretty serious issues the reason that I was there I guess is because like at the time my understanding was because I

“argued a lot with my mother and that's why I went but I like I wasn't doing drugs then you know”

I might have been trying to like sneak off and have sex but that was about like the worst of what I was doing you know I wasn't like disappearing for days on end or you know go into even like parties or anything I was I was a loner for the most part they had me pretty secluded for the most part so I didn't have a lot of friends so when they when they sent me to this place I was just like I don't really know what to do with that many people around and I definitely kind of got picked

out and picked on because I was definitely very socially awkward but I also learned a lot of like bad habits there too like I remember when I left there like that's when I started smoking weed which like as an adult now it's like I don't care but like when you're 15 and you're

“brain is still developing that's definitely not something that you should be doing and I remember”

my adoptive parents like they they always cared more about what people thought of them like

on the outside and how things looked but at home it was a different story so like to anybody else like no she's not allowed to smoke weed but I remember clearly like before going to high school in the morning my dad would usually take me to school because he it was on his way to work and I'd be outside lying up a bowl and be like hi and he would just roll his eyes and continue on and I think that that was kind of their thing of you know this kid's added control

and we're just not going to even try anymore because they dug such a grave with me up until that point that like I I don't remember time where I didn't hate my adoptive mom specifically like

actively hate her I've always just not liked her and my adoptive dad God bless him has no balls

like if if there was like solid factual proof that I was not lying and that she's lying and that she's in the wrong would you believe me and he told me straight up nope I'd believe your mom 100% I'd back her I said even if there's evidence that she's the

liar yep even if she's the liar I will believe her and back her up and so it was always me against

“them and I had nobody on my team at all so yeah that's kind of that's that's how I grew up”

was just kind of just a very crazy mix of them being very controlling about really mundane things but then to the outside world I was a controlling one because I guess they'd like when I was little anyways really be punitive and really you know they put me lock me in these rooms for hours and you know do these things they I've been like breaking my toys and things you know out of anger but then we'd go in public and they just kind of like let the late the reins loose

and I of course because I'm bullheaded I was all crap you know would take advantage of that not realizing how it looked to everybody else in the outside and how I was really digging my grave of being not believable or looking crazy so and then as you got bolder did you ever extended the use said that you've asked your adopted dad questions have you ever confronted her as time has gone on kind of so I did call her once I faced time to her so I could kind of see her reactions and

“you have to be so careful when talking with them because especially with my adoptive mom any little”

thing that makes it seem like I'm pointing the finger at her she will shut down the conversation she'll start crying she'll shut it down she'll stop engaging so I have to be really almost manipulative like I hate that word but like in order to get any sort of conversation with her I had to be really careful and walk on eggshells with my words and so I remember calling her and being like so I just have few questions about my childhood because I'm in therapy now and they had some questions that I don't

really know the answers to but I would assume that you do because you're the one who always talk to the

doctor and stuff which is true and I told her I was like well my question is that they have me a diagnosis when I was eight years old with bipolar disorder but I don't have bipolar disorder and it was unneficial for them to do so in the first place because you can't be diagnosed with that until you're 18 but now that I'm an adult and I've had you know different psychological evaluations I've been a therapist and stuff it's pretty it's been a resounding answer since I was

18 and on that I do not have bipolar disorder so I told her well I don't have this and we know this we've known this for a while but I remember being diagnosed with this because it basically excused my sexual behaviors when I was a child and so I told her I'm like did you ever think

that like I was being abused and she just completely denied everything she was like that was never

that was never consideration and and I told her yeah but like wouldn't she like I feel like you would have known something you know because like I remember like being irritated with the U.T. guys and the death sentence like I brought that up and like you could see on her face who's like she was she was really freaking out that I was bringing that up and she's like well you would remember you know if you were you know five years older whatever because I was bringing up that

that age range you would remember you know who did this to you and I told her I do and she just sat there in silence for like 20 seconds and then was like but we never knew we never you know you know us that we that if we knew anything that we would have gotten you help so you you believe

“that we didn't know right and I was like what does it matter like if I believe that you knew or not”

like we're sitting here talking in code you know more than I about what you did to me you know like I was three four five six years old so my memory's pretty shoddy but you were a grown adult she was 35 when she adopted me so she was in our 40s when this was going on and so she remembers

going to deny anyways and then she just told me well I think we're done with this conversation

“and I told her well you know I agree it's probably then the conversation but it's probably”

the conversation that we need to revisit with dad sometime in the future and she really freaked out I asked her she was willing to go to family therapy with me and she denied just said no I don't especially when I told her about like the statute of limitation laws like for mandated reporting and things because she once I kind of told her about that she's like well what do you mean what do you mean that you know they could report something and I was like well just generally speaking abuse neglect

sexual abuse you know abandonment like all these things they're reportable so you know I'd rather because the laws are different depending in what state you're in so I was like we should do it in your state because your state is a lot more protective like for perpetrators I guess in that way because I'm an adult now so they they don't need to report now that I'm an adult unless I choose to but even still she's like nope we're not doing family therapy and then so like I haven't talked

to her that was like one of the last times that I've talked to her this last summer I went back to

Washington State to visit it was the first time in years that I've been back and this was

to visit both of them no oh no this was my dad my my my not my doctor dad apologize my biological dad was getting married okay and so but he ironically lives out here on the East Coast but he like all were family and stuff is from Washington so he went back with his wife to get married in Washington State and so I went back with him you know to attend and of course I let my adopted parents know that you know I was coming back especially because I was hoping they

they're financially well off so like I knew that they had a condo that they weren't using you know to see if like I could get out of pain for a hotel basically and they did you know well my

“adopted dad I think he's very I think he feels guilty in a way but can't really like voice it”

because that's kind of the vibe that I got from him of like yeah we'll do this for you but it's very much we talking to only him and not her and he kept bugging me like even when I was there before I was there once I was there he's like well your mom really wants to see the girls my daughters and I was like no like I I can't it's not has nothing to do with like being punitive towards her or you know trying to like take something out on her like like my mental health I

cannot take it I cannot take it I will flip I'll freak out she ever met them she has so I I only moved to to the East Coast about four years ago and that's a whole nother story I was very much dependent on them for a lot of my adulthood almost kind of like that learned helplessness type thing they really took advantage of because when I got pregnant with my daughter at 17 it was by

a man that I didn't know it literally the first time I met him as when I got pregnant with my old

stater and turns out that he's wildly abusive wildly abusive I mean this man has he was charged with like kidnapping assault and robbery and he pledged the robbery against me he almost killed me and our daughter who was 11 months old at the time was in the car he took me out in the middle of the woods threatened to beat me and leave me for dead out there and that's that's a whole that's

“a whole tangent that I could go on to because that's really what brought me to God honestly because I”

I was raised Catholic so like I knew about God but I wasn't like Bible thumbper type you know I was like my but when he was like driving us in that car towards the woods and he was like he had me by my hair and he was like beating me into like the side of the window and the dash and all that and he was just driving so radically he was blasting through red lights and I was praying to God like God help me God help me and and he told me he's like God's not gonna save you and I

remember clear as day like audibly in my ear I heard a voice it just said be still and so I was like that's the voice God I'm not gonna like mess with that so I'm gonna be still yeah and I didn't even know that that was in the Bible at that time and interestingly enough Exodus 14 verse 14 says something I'm so horrible at like recounting Bible verses but it says something about like the Lord will fight for you you need only be still had no clue that was in the Bible but this happened

and even the meaning of Exodus is like leaving and like fleeing oppression and so that that was

“really a turning point moment for me um but even like after that like my doctor parents like”

always took a side always took a side they would protect him over me every time because I was a

crazy one right like so and I had a really bad pattern of getting into really abusive relationships I was on and off with him for years I got into a couple more abusive relationships the last one ended up being the reason why I had to flee and ironically so this is my youngest daughter's dad and we we were living together through through COVID and this was in like 2021 so it was like right after COVID and we got into an argument and basically I got kicked out because if I were to return it was

basically like he wasn't leaving so I just have to like go back to the relationship with him and except what was happening like this man like he literally like broke my finger in half at one point a time so like I was done at that at that point and we were living in a lake house that was owned by my adoptive parents so they had every right to have that time every right and they wouldn't because they were afraid of him they didn't want to rock the boat and I said well can I stay with you guys

or can I stay your condo and they told me no because you and your mom are just going to fight it so I was looking at either having to return to this guy that I didn't want to or live under a bridge and I was really depressed obviously during this time and it was around my birthday so my biological mom reached out to me and just to be like hey happy birthday and I ended up just like kind of

“trauma dumping on her but was going on she lives out here and so that's how I ended up out here”

is like she kind of her but was going on and she told me that I could only take my little daughter with that first she was only prepared to take her but she told me that I could come out here and get a college education and get a job and get on my feet and then reunite and that's really not what happened at all so I hate that I'm like keep flipping back and forth but when I was in a relationship with my oldest daughter is down we had three kids together

so I have my oldest daughter had two sons with them and then my youngest daughter was somebody else

so my sons never knew their dad really because I had the mirror today apart they both

are have extremely high special Nancy both her autistic like profoundly autistic and the day that my youngest was born their dad flipped out at the hospital to the point where like CPS was called because of how erratically it was acting and so long story short they you know had me go into a shelter because when they when they told me to go pick up my other two kids from his neighbor they weren't going to release my son from the hospital to me until you know

when did that we were all safe he came up and you know try to block us and it was me and my

adoptive dad and this is when my adoptive dad finally was like oh this man's crazy like didn't

believe me before no matter how many crazy things have happened but we had put the kids in the car already and he drove up and tried almost kind of like parked behind us and he got out and he's like I just want to say goodbye to my kids and I told my dad I'm like don't unlock the door don't unlock the door like I told him this before he like I saw him you know pulling up in the driveway I'm like locked door don't don't unlock a form so I just want to say goodbye to my kids

and so my daughter's dad of course I'm oxytor and my ex starts ripping the kids out of the car my three-year-old my one-year-old ripping them out of the car literally throwing them into his car

“and my adoptive dad like was like what the hell are you doing and I remember my ex like kind of”

bucking up and like he was gonna punch him and just like you better lay off and so I called the cops and my adoptive dad called the social worker lady from the hospital because she was like if anything goes down call us and we're like someone down so that ended up being like a situation where my daughter at three-year-old was like being held hostage by her dad and a you know police situation and where they were trying to get her away from him and they had to hide was the worst one of the

our presence was like agitating the situation I just remember her screaming for me and I had to

“like drive off so eventually they got the kids they gave my son to me you know the hospital but”

they told me I couldn't go home because they had followed him my ex to my apartment which was in the

next county over which broke his probation at the time I don't understand why he was never

arrested for this because it like they had to do a rolling slowdown in front of him to let CPS get away with my kids like man was going nuts so but he was never arrested so we had to flee to the near shelter I would have room for all of us which was across the mountain range like a six-hour drive from where we lived where I knew nobody and we had to get a restraining order I knew so he didn't have anything to do with them once I had kind of gotten out of that situation and settled back and gotten a

relationship with my youngest daughter's dad he was like the only dad that they knew at that point and so it was an agreement between my biological mom he agreed to it we were even working with like

voluntary services with like it was like a division of like DCYF or CPS but it was like voluntary

services so that we could get help because of their profound needs because we lived in a very

“rural county where there were like really no resources that I could get for them so that's what I was”

doing is trying to work with them to like get these resources especially since we had like a history with them like in the kind of knew what was going on because of after you know that happened with their dad but anyway so everybody was an agreement that I come out here I'd get a job you know and then I come back more financially stable with an education and be able to take all of them well within like literally two weeks of me being out here um he decided to call CPS and tell them

that I abandoned my kids and so he tried to get all three into a dependency but because he's the father my youngest they were like we were not gonna do that like you could take care of them because what he was telling them is like oh well still take care of them but I just want the money

“from taking care of them and I'm thinking like you're living rent free in my adopted parents house”

like I know you don't got no bills right like you don't need the money you just want this to hang over my head and he would he would harass the crap out of me he ended up pleading guilty to a few charges out here for like harassment because for six months he just like he would be spoofing numbers I'd get phone calls from like my daughter's elementary school I don't even know how that's man would do this get calls from like people that were saved in my phone like my dad or the elementary

school and I pick up the phone and it's him on the other on the line saying some crazy crap um and saying you know he'd say that he was gonna kill himself or them you know my kids were getting hurt because of me or whatever so like I'd become like crisis units and stuff over there but long story short my my youngest daughter ended up coming out here to be with me because once I pressed charges against him I don't know if he thought that he was gonna go to jail or something

but he was like I'm done I'd filed for a parenting plan to give me custody because of what he was doing but at the minimum like I certainly wanted to have a visitation with her because that was something else that he was withholding and you know I just don't want nothing to do with you so you can't see kids so within like 48 hours notice like he flew her out here with me so I got her but my sons were so on a dependency and I'm really in no position to take care of them all by myself and at the time

they had been with wonderful foster families for like sixish months or something like that like they they they went out of his care at one point when he threatened to commit suicide and I called them they took him out or them out of his care and they ended up going to these wonderful people and I really wanted them to get adopted because at that point of time their biological father had like

really never been in their life he was addicted to methamphetamine wildly abusive even in like

2018 was like the year after our youngest was born I was trying to get like more like amicable terms with him like like separately from the kids and I'd go chop wood with him at his neighbor's house and one time he invited me into his trailer because he lived in like a full-thwilled trailer on his mom's property and he only hostage in there and beat the crap out of me and stabbed me for like

after the fuck away but but like this is the man you know that is alternative parents so I figured if I relinquished my parental rights if they'd get adopted by people that were great and that's not what happened to my knowledge because I did end up relinquishing my parental rights to them hoping that they'd find stability the last thing I know is that they're with him to this day yeah they gave him custody so that would be is that just the two boys

just the two boys and then you have your oldest and your youngest yes okay yes so that terrifies me because I know that at least when I was a part of like the dependency and like in

the loop with things like he was supposed to do a drug test and never did and he they didn't want

him to do a psychological evaluation even though all the things that he's done he's got a lengthy criminal record and I was out here advocating for basings like if he's gonna have visitation with my kids like can you at least make sure that like he's stable and like not on drugs because like my especially my youngest son who's even more profoundly disabled than my oldest son they help put everything in his mouth he's like a baby he's got like the mental capacity of an 18

month old so he'll put everything in his mouth and I'm thinking like man's on drugs like you're gonna kill him if you don't do your due diligence so when is the last time you saw your voice four years ago yeah and he won't let you see them absolutely not he won't even have anything to do with our daughter he won't he like I try to send them updates over now and again like on Facebook

“and I think the last time he blocked me but yeah he has zero interest in co-parenting at all he”

only ever had like he he'd want nothing to do with our sons or any of our children until I was completely out of the picture and my sons both do make social security money so I don't know if that's a motive or not but he certainly didn't want to have anything to do with them up until I was out of their lives so but I do know at least one of my sons got reunited with him so but I I learned not through some paperwork that I got in the mail because like they were trying to if you're trying to get

like child support and they didn't realize I had relinquish rights and so they said no you know for this case with this child and I was like well for one words my other son because this is the one single child but you know and then I call them and they're like oh yeah he's on like status systems and so he has to get child support and I'm like well tough because I legally don't have well for one I don't have the money to give or the other wasn't for two I don't have like a legal

“obligation to do so so like you can't open a case basically but that's how I learned about that so I”

pray that they're doing okay it's really hard knowing that there's really nothing that I can do about it and I feel really guilty for not standing up and fighting for them because but I I mean I generally thought it was in their best interest to stay where they were at

because they were getting the resources that they needed they finally got help they were getting

more attention instead of just me being like frazzled out of my mind between four kids they were getting the attention that they needed all that stuff and I really wanted them to stay and that's circumstance and that's not what happened at all because like I didn't I didn't I didn't want to take them back at that point because they were so stable with those foster families for so long I was thinking like it would be selfish of me to take them out of that at this point because it's been

beers at this point and I just I want them to be okay but hopefully hopefully they are hopefully someday I can reunite with them because it really weighs heavy on my heart that I didn't do more especially because of like the specific trauma to the like I went through like as a kid I

swore I would never do this to my kids swore up and down and like so many people like in my own

common sense shows like on my videos and things are like tell me like well you know should what kind of like your current current because you didn't do this for your kids and I'm just like you have no idea what I was going through like I tried for years for years and I don't think it makes me a bad person or a bad parent to be like I'm not good enough for them like I

“don't have what they need they need better and that's what I was trying to give them is better”

because no matter what I just I want them to have the best life possible I want all my kids to have the best life possible and so and I realize that if I can't give that to them then I have no business

because like I've never really had a support system in any way of course. Do you have a relationship

“today with your biological parents? I do so my biological dad lives a couple states away”

so like we're not super close but it's not like because we're on bad terms with anything you're in contact. Yeah and my biological mother she lives about maybe 30 minutes away from me but I'm not on the best terms with her family because when I moved out here I moved straight into you know for house and this was after like my entire life for telling me I'm not your mom I'll never be your mom you know you can't think of me in that way and then all of a sudden I was like in her house

and she wanted to treat me as a kid but I'm like in my mid 20s and you know it's just like such like a shock that like I I have a habit of just like kind of like keeping to myself and being very quiet and trying to just like do what I can to like keep on like you want me to get a job you want me to go to college I'll get straight days I was you know working almost full-time hours

trying to take care of my older daughter and just I felt like what I was doing just was never good enough

for her so we ended up fighting a lot and then one day we got an argument and she was yelling at me in front of my older daughter and I you know when I get into these circumstances it's nothing personal towards her just because of what I've been through I I will walk away I will I will leave because I'm afraid and she told me as I went out that door she said well if you leave you're never coming back and I said well it's been a long time coming and I left and by the time

that I drove to near city for my place which is like maybe 30 minute drive I looked at my phone and she was told me that she was going to call the cops if I ever came back that all my stuff was going in a storage unit there's a whole big thing so I'm not on the best terms with her family but now she didn't really know a whole lot of really anything that I've been through at all so she she's now learning more about me like I've been more honest about what I've been through

and like she's even come to some of my therapy sessions with me and so we're kind of working on rekindling our relationship and a more healthier way because really from the start it was kind of sabotaged by my first my adoptive mom when she brought her in and that circumstance and then what happened when I just you know basically got thrown into her family life but still very much

afraid in having those resounding thoughts of you know I'm not your mom and I'll never be your mom

and you're not a part of my family and all these things that was told to me over and over and over again

“as a teenager so it's it's it's difficult you know but I do appreciate her I think”

I have now that I'm gonna do a lot more understanding for what she's been through too because she's also a survivor is some pretty horrible things and so I think that there's a mutual understanding of just like trauma responses because we tend to be very similar in those aspects of how we respond to things just out of fear but she's not really like a reliable support system so to speak just because like her family is not on the best terms with me still okay so that and then did you

ever have any thoughts of reporting your adoptive mother for what happened I've thought about it but all I see happening is it just retirementizing me okay because at the end of the day what has to happen is you know if it goes to like a jury trial for instance they have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that these things happen I don't have any doctors reports I don't have any photographs I don't have any videos all I have are really spotty memories from when I was

a young child there's no group right and so why why would I put myself through that when at the end of the day they're just gonna let her free and then it'll you know really kind

“of blow out of hand so and I think too you know it's your safe now and I think the more important”

thing is your mental health and where you are and kind of healing through that within yourself and then you know whatever I'm a big believer and comes around goes around and you know I

Yeah that's exactly what I think myself is I just I have a lot of faith in God

you know God's God all of us in his hands including her and he knows everything that has happened

“and he he has a way of making things right that is outside of human control I believe like karma”

absolutely like I I believe that you know she'll she'll have to face the music with that in some way shape or form like even today kind of a little almost sign I feel of that happening is the fact that she has horrible arthritis in her fingers to the point where she literally cannot move them at all like she like they're all crooked and like really painful and swollen looking the last I know and so to me that's just kind of like karma yeah you know and as she so you

share your story on TikTok is she aware of that do you think I believe so because there's been family members that have commented on my TikTok posts that have told me like you know we don't believe you and things like that you know that the usual and so I assume that they've told her what I have posted but none of them have reached out and been like into anything about it I know no interesting yeah I don't I don't see her doing that because like I said she's very

you cannot be direct with her yeah and how long have you been sharing your story now because I want you story you're talking about all of your life about my mother in particular it's been pretty recent just within this last year um because it is very traumatizing to me and so you know been working working a lot on trying to be more okay even just talking about that sorry

“do you think it's helped talking about it? I think so in some ways I think talking about it has”

like between TikTok and like my treatment team my treatment team by talking to them about it has opened me up to like new therapies and things like I did like a round of TMS I don't know if you've ever heard of that but it's trans cranial magnetic stimulation and it's almost kind of like a diet electro shock situation where they target like one specific area like in your frontal globe and stimulate it's like regenerate the like pathways they're like not making you so depressed so

I did that and I think that that was that was good for me so because even like with my treatment team largely for years I did not bring up anything I was like I've got ADHD I'm here from an

management that's all we're doing you know yeah yeah but then finally it was right after I

relinquished my rights to my sons that everything just kind of came up right that once but then sharing my story to TikTok I think it's it's really helped me in a few ways it's helped me because I know that like there's no such thing as an original experience but I very much have felt in my life that I have one especially because MDSA or mother daughter sexual abuse is like not talked about at all but the amount of comments or DMs that I've gotten that are basically saying me too is like crazy

it's craziness but I've even gotten messages and stuff you know from people saying that they don't feel alone anymore or that they feel seen and that's really what it's about for me posting my story on social media so that other people know that they're not alone

“and also that God is still a real God and an active God like that's what I believe and what I”

put on my TikTok is that like a lot of people nowadays might think that a he doesn't believe or he doesn't exist or b that he's like a figment of 2000 years ago and that like the whole water and wine thing just like doesn't happen anymore and how could these things happen to me if there is a God exactly exactly and I forget that there's free will yeah humans can be evil there's good in their evil and I see God is being kind of like a GPS system yeah so like you can with your free will

take a wrong route or be rerouted by you know something that's how to your control traffic or whatever but God's like that GPS he knows where you're ended up at the end of the day and he's going to keep re-routen you and re-routen you until you get that point so I personally believe that even the worst of things is character development and almost like the you know book of job where

everything was taken from him and there's not always a good reason for that happening like if

there's not a reason for anything bad things can happen to good people you could do everything

that the Bible says a bad things will still happen like it literally says that in the Bible because there is free will of people but it depends on how you take that into your own perspective you can either take what happened to you and really spiral and let it have a choke hold over your life and not even let it you know because sometimes you don't even have a choice it just has a choke hold over your life I don't the humans are really even we're not taught and equipped like

naturally to just deal with these things and then come on out and be fine yeah it like it takes I think when it takes a strong soul but then it also takes somebody that wants to come out on the other

“side you have to want it for yourself and that's really hard to do if you've been through yeah”

some serious shit yeah and what keeps me going honestly is my my kids yeah specifically my daughters because they depend on me physically right now like if I were to you know take myself out or something like that like they have literally nobody but also like for my sons too because I pray that someday they'll be able to look back and learn the truth that or I don't even know if they'll be capable of understanding the truth because of their disabilities but just

to know that I love them and that I feel just so genuinely horrible that this is how their life turned out but I hope someday when they're an adult that it will come full circle just like it has with my biological family and then I'll be able to step up and step in when they need me during that time and I have faith in God that he gave them to me for a reason even if that reason is something super small like DNA or inheritable traits maybe I have nothing to do with them for the rest of my

life but they still need my DNA and that's okay I guess that's God's will I just have to accept that or it could be something greater than that to where you know maybe I'm meant to step in and their lives later on and do something for them be something for them so but I don't obviously know what God has in store all I know is that he keeps saving my butt and I don't really understand why

“I think it's incredible and you know like you mentioned mother daughter sexual salt it's really”

abuse it's it's it's really not talked about that often I think it's very along with a lot of stories that are on the show I think a lot of them are more taboo I think it makes people uncomfortable I think that's a big reason why people don't speak up yeah even when those red flags are there

but it's very real yeah and I think that it's incredible I always say this it's so incredible that

we do have social media for that reason where people can share these stories and connect with people that they don't even know and it makes a big difference because even though your story is so traumatizing and traumatic there are other people that get it and that have been through it too and while everybody's story is like no story is the same even if they're similar even if the feelings and the reactions and the outcomes can be very similar it's your experience you know but

if if sharing your story can help one person it's worth it it's worth it and if your story could be the reason somebody keeps pushing through yeah which or maybe somebody gets help or maybe somebody turns to God or maybe this maybe that anything yeah and to me that makes like it might seem messed up but it makes what I went through worth it to me because it gives it a positive purpose well that's you know that's something I say as well is not that it wants again it like you

said it sounds messed up but it happened to somebody that could get through it you know and of course

“even if I think this is a misconception too is people think like getting through something”

and healing through something it doesn't mean it's like gone or you're fully cured you're always

going to have these up and down days or these days where you kind of feel like I don't want to do this anymore I think that that's a very you know we're human at the end of the day where it you can get overwhelmed over stimulated you can fall back into these traumatic experiences and just not get it and be frustrated and angry at the world at God whatever it might be but I think it's just not staying stuck in these negative dark places it's kind of letting yourself feel the emotions

because we are human and that's normal and natural but then realizing okay I do have a purpose I have something to live for whether it's helping others you know being there for your children

in the world yeah and I think it's very important to point out like you were saying like this happened to somebody who made it through it but to everybody who's ever been through something horrible like this they've made it through too because otherwise they wouldn't be here and so they are so much stronger than they think just by taking it day by day by putting one

“foot in front of the other continually like that's what survival is is just continuing to just”

out of spite live your life to the best of your ability and that process I don't think is talked about enough because we have this idea in our head of like surviving means your healed or surviving means you reach this point where you're like fine but like you just that's such a good point what you mentioned is the fact that you're still here that is part of your surviving exactly you know in your story in your healing journey and none of that happens overnight

you know for some people it might be a month for some people it might be 10 years or longer you

never know yeah you just keep pushing yeah or even like within like the like next 30 minutes after

being assaulted or something like that like you were still surviving that yeah you were you still made it out the other side exactly and not a lot of people get even that opportunity there's so many people that have been lost to violence there's so many people that have been lost to suicide there's so many people that have been lost to these horrible atrocities and so to be able to say that I'm still here with breath in my lungs that's enough like that's enough I might still have

flashbacks I might not be able to trust anybody I might be super messed up but I'm still here and that means that I still have potential to keep going forward and I do have potential and that's

“what I think people just need to be reminded of again and again because it's so easy to let this”

stuff consume you and because it is horrible I mean just speaking from my own personal experience like even to this day I still have horrible flashbacks of what my mother did to me and these flashbacks I mean there's someatic flashbacks so their body flashbacks so I feel it in my body and it's disgusting and I hate it and I just like it makes me want to die it makes me want to grow up in a

ball and die but I feel like if I do that then for one it's never giving me the opportunity to

ever become anything else to anybody else like that is gonna be it for me you know the girl who got right by her mother and then she died the end or it could be the girl who got right by her mother and then grew up to be the best mother that she could be the best friend that she could be somebody who you know gave hope to somebody else somebody who speaks out against this you know the world is your platter you can go down whatever road you want to and it it's hard and there's a lot of

ghosts that people don't know you know that might happen in your closet at night you might go through a lot of things that people don't see but that's okay it's not okay that you're going through it like it sucks but it's okay in the sense of you're doing it you're doing it and nobody can take that from you except for yourself it's true and you do an amazing job of telling your story and obviously I'm sure you know this but it takes an extreme amount of vulnerability and

“confidence which is hard to have in a situation like that and like you I think what you've”

brought up to just saying it made you when you had those flashbacks it feels disgusting and all this stuff that's like I feel like that's very easy to think these things and just like you said

when I curl up and never talk about it make the most get to a point where like you want to pretend

like it didn't happen I don't know sure a lot of people do that as well yeah and there's I'm sure positives and negatives to that there's positives and negatives to everything but the fact that you are able to speak out and you choose to is incredible yeah I'm sure you're an amazing mother and that's all you can do like you said you know you're trying to better your life now on the life for your children and one day at a time yeah you can only do what you can do

within your power over your life because your only person who has control over your life and you can choose to make the best of it and sometimes the best of it is curling up in a ball and just wanting to not even it depends on the day it depends on the day because like I'm sitting here on this podcast talking to you you know like it's just you know really nearly but at home you know I'm like horribly affected I'm you know right in bed bed rotting a lot of the time we'll have to remember to is while

strength that doesn't mean that they don't have days like that and those days are okay to have yeah not that they feel good by any means but they're there in their real and that doesn't just because

“you can talk about your story doesn't mean it doesn't affect you yeah yeah I think”

everybody who's gone through something traumatic knows that you know you might be able to talk about it or you know you might get to the point where you've got to hold enough to like be okay with sharing

that story or maybe you spend less days in bed than you used to or whatever but that it's always

going to affect you it's always going to be there you can't erase the past unfortunately but just just being just taking care of yourself is just so important you know taking a shower letting yourself you know watch TV and stay in bed doing some coloring journaling whatever it is that floats your boat praying to God whatever it is it gets you through to that next day that is it that is it right there that is you surviving it's not anything to do with the future it's the now

because we've only had everybody's only had one now like if I were to ask you how many times have you had a now when you're life well you can't answer that there's only been one now right now you know exactly but it was now then too and that's why it feels so real now it's because the story is exactly exactly yeah thank you so much seriously for wanting to come on here and being able to and willing and it it means so much to me and I hope that you continue to share your story

and speak out you know about it and even like you said there are so many aspects of your story when I know you didn't get into a lot of detail some of the other stuff but even those aspects

“they're just as important because everyone is dealing with something and that's why I do love”

that when people come on they they might have one main story but it's it's interesting because I've even seen there's different little parts that people go off on and in the comments I'll read

people will relate to those those little aspects as well so you know there's there's never

a story that I always tell them for this as well it's like there's never story that's too big or too small there's always somebody that can relate because at the end of the day you know like we mentioned we are human we're all having a very similar yet different experience but I'm just grateful that you are sharing yours and that you did it on the show I mean it means so much to me and you did incredible well likewise I'm very very thankful for this opportunity to

get to speak to your platform and I really hope that you know somebody just even one person get something positive out of this and it changes their life for the better because that's that's really what speaks to me and my heart is to just help other people through it make a difference make it work something you know instead of it just being horrible and ruining your life let it

better somebody else's life because then you weren't suffering needlessly yeah I agree I always say

that no matter what it is if you can turn a negative into a positive which you somehow some way

“always can you know do it that's all you can do because I think that even if at first it isn't”

for yourself you know it's for other people I do feel like there is some bittersweet fulfillment and it to know okay it's helping someone yes and that's all you can do exactly I think a lot of people will sooner help somebody else themselves it trickles down it's a fact and we we need more people like that we just do I think that I I kind of notice I think we are in the world opening up more to being vulnerable in people sharing their stories which is so incredible but we need more of it we

need more sincerity and this no judgment I don't know why people still judge I don't get it like everybody's going through their own thing it's it's baffling to me that people still can be so equally live in such an evil world like if if if if people were just nicer and more open and just listen it would be a better place and I just think that 30 to be more people like that and more people willing to share and not have any shame behind their story

and and everything else in between exactly one thanks to people like you that you know give your platform to other people in order to do that I think that this is a very interesting time that we live in because this has never been an opportunity before ever to anybody like even communicating to like you could pick up a phone and call someone and try not that could not happen 100 years ago you know so you could face time with somebody and so you know exactly and so now we have access to

all these other people's stories where before for you know the entirety of human existence if we didn't know somebody personally who also went through this stuff we were alone and that's

first time we as a collective human experience are realizing that we are not alone or we are not unique in this situation there's other people that have been through it too and just having that sense of community in and of itself can just mean so much to people like changing it's incredible

“I think then that's the key it really is that community without even having like you said to meet”

somebody it can really it can make a big difference yeah so yeah because you can be sitting bed rotten and bed right now watching this yeah and that's still community it is still community it's relatable and it's real that's why I I like it to be this format of just people being able to take it in the direction they want I'm like share whatever you want say whatever you want because there's people that relate to it there's people that just want to hear it and they don't

want it to feel I mean even with documentaries and I used to love watching documentaries and I feel like when you watch them it just feels so scripted and fake like you know the David Adam Brote I just look what what am I watching here like it I don't even know it's bizarre but it feels like a low budget film but I feel like with this it's just very real very raw and that's

that's the point of it you know I always said when I when I started this I was like I want people

to know what this show is like yes I hosted I'm sitting here and I open up my home for people to come and and share their stories but it's not about me it's not about that it's about you guys and I wouldn't be able to have the platform without people like you that are willing to open up and share some of the worst parts of your life and that is no small thing at all and it is so fulfilling to me to be able to give people that voice because I think to even if you know there's

some people that whether they do share on their own or they don't know how to share because they don't really know where to start that's kind of what I'm here for just to kind of give them that voice and just push it out to more people because they know it'll get seen they know people will hear it I think there is some fear and like oh like anybody can start a TikTok but maybe it won't get views or people won't care and I think that I hope that at least that the show kind of gives

people that what's the word it shows people that there's there there is always somebody listening

there's always somebody that cares about your story and cares about it and sometimes it'll surprise you too because I mean like I on my personal TikTok I never went out looking to be some sort of like influence or anything like I post on that because it's therapeutic to me like that's what it's starting out it starts to see people responding in a really wait a second people feel the same way as me people it's it's crazy yeah it is it's it's shocking to me how many just from doing

this I've been doing it for a little over three years now how many people have gone through such similar things and it's things that you might see in movies might and they're even going to brush the surface of it yeah but nobody talks about it you're not hearing about that yeah ever you're just not so it's like I feel like people just need to be more honest and more open and talk and communicate

“I mean that's what we're meant to do we're meant to communicate and help each other yes and especially”

the victims too because like it's not your fault no like it can be daunting to know the like other people know what you've been through your deepest darkest secrets things that you really hate about

yourself that were horrible and traumatizing and should have never happened but it's your story to tell

at the end of the day and you shouldn't be ashamed or feel any shame for doing so because you didn't do anything wrong now it was not your choice it's something that happened to you it's your truth so if your perpetrator or whoever did it to you doesn't want it to be broadcast or whatever they shouldn't have done it to you in the first place so you know that's that's where I'm coming from as you know I guess I have my own reasons for not like wanting to like publicly share their like

personal information like even on my own TikToks and things like that you know I don't want any bad to come to people ever I don't do it out of you know you will spirit it harder like you know in this sort of like malicious intent it's therapeutic to me to post about it on my TikTok and then if you know it blows up and somebody texts me or you know DMs me saying you change my life because

“of this you know like that's that's what's crazy to me it's just something that”

was even just so like selfish and it's like first like reasoning to like why got put out there can just like take a whole new tangent to itself and really affect other people in ways that you didn't think was going to happen because you could even have you know your own little small platform

people magazines waking up you know like it's crazy how things can happen nowadays because I mean

“I'm certainly a nobody from nowhere you know that has no support system not a lot of friends you”

know a hermit by all regards but you're story matters exactly and it resonates with people and I've realized that now and I realize that it's my it's it's a purpose in my life to

basically attest to what I've been through and share my story with others and even that one day

that I was held hostage and stabbed there was a song that was playing in that trailer and it was joy by freaking in country and the songs lyrics go like here my purt and I give me strength to raise my voice let me testify this is do or die it's time to make a choice so I choose joy and I remember thinking them I was hearing that like as I was like actively like thinking I was going to be murdered

yeah I was like please just give me like you know you got me out of this before you told me

be still I listen you got me out of this before so I have faith that if I'm meant to go out

“and continue sharing my story and continue you know impacting people's lives that that's what's”

going to happen I'm going to make it out of here and if that's not your intent for my life and it's your intent for and exactly like I'm cool with that too because my life sucks exactly exactly but that's not what happened so now I feel like I have you know a purpose and sharing that with other people like that's the reason why I keep getting pulled out of these situations is to just bring hope to other people and bring perspective to people that you know you can go through

really terrible things multiple terrible things you could be you know victim of poly victimization where you're just you know really having at it from all sides and you can still get up eat breakfast but don't you make up you know live your day and survive and do it for you or for your kids or for your parents or for your friends or whoever it's for but you're still doing it at the end of the day and it's like the butterfly effect it affects people in ways that you don't

“even understand for you to be here and just continuing to live and you know if you want to share”

your story if you don't want to share your story just being here impacts people instead of profound ways that I don't think people really understand I appreciate it seriously thank you so much was there any anything else you wanted to talk about or share I are you okay with me linking your TikTok and stuff in the description yeah you're totally cool with that and if there's anything else any resources anything at all I'll remind you if you forget but send them to me and I'd be happy to put anything

you want in the description or or whatever but you did amazing yeah definitely well I appreciate it

for everything that you're doing for everybody and give us your platform to share and I hope you keep doing a great job doing that do my best