Break Free from People-Pleasing & Burnout: Béa Victoria Albina

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you need. I'm Shelley. And I'm Kathy. Calm down. You're overreacting.

You're too much. Society tells women, especially daughters, employees, and caregivers, that they're too much.

“In reality, they're just carrying too much, responsibility, expectation, and emotional”

labor. These are the things that certified life coach and family nurse practitioner Bay of Victoria Albena helps women overcome. We're not too much. We're just doing too much.

Baya is a trailblazing voice and women's wellness and emotional liberation. A UCFS trained family nurse practitioner with a masters in public health from Boston University. Baya blends science, semantics, and feminism to help women stop living life for everybody

else, and finally come home to themselves.

She's the founder of the semantics studio and anchored, hosted the feminist wellness podcast, an author of end-emotional outsourcing, your guide to overcoming co-dependent, perfectionist, and people pleasing habits. After decades of overachieving, overgiving and overriding her own needs, Baya hit burnout,

“she discovered that overfunctioning isn't strength.”

It's survival mode. Through a signature framework, emotional outsourcing, she teaches how to retrain the nervous system. Rebuild self-trust and break free from patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism, and codependence. Her work bridges neuroscience, polyvagal theory, and sematic practice with a warm, funny,

feminist lens, or science meets soul. She's been featured by Cosmopolitan, Goop, Batches, mind-body-green, and recently had the honor of Oprah Daily choosing her term emotional outsourcing as their word of the week. Baya offers practical ways for women to reclaim their energy, release guilt, and stop caring too much.

We wanted to tap into that insight, so we invite her on the show, welcome, Baya. Thank you for being on the show with us. Oh, goodness, I'm thinking so much for having me.

You have some super powerful perspectives before we dig into some of your powerful perspectives.

Could you tell us a little bit more about yourself and how you got launched and got into all of this? Yeah. So, how I got into all of this was really starting to see the patterns in my patients. My clients, my friends, really seeing how we were living our lives for other people.

We were living our lives for their validation, for their, to really source our safety, our belonging from everyone else as opinions of us. I saw this so much in my patients. I was a primary care provider for many years. I ran, I had a private practice in Manhattan where I focused on holistic and functional medicine

through an evidence-based lens, and I would do all the right things for my patients who are mostly women. I would run all the right tests. I'd recommend all the right nutrition. I would closely with my additions on that.

I would recommend all the best therapeutics, all the best, everything. And I noticed the patterns that my patients would get better, and then something psychosocial would happen. They would be up for a promotion, belly ache. They would go home to visit their parents a month of fatigue.

They would have a breakup, and they're exhumed with flare. You see where we're going here? I started to really see in real time that just how much the stress of trying to meet others demands, societies, demands, other people's, yeah, what other people wanted folks to be was to directly and negatively impacting my patients' health and wellness in every single possible

way beyond just depression, anxiety, and what we usually see as a stress reaction. It was really impacting their mood, their energy, their digestion, their thyroid, and I started to really begin to piece together the patterns where I was seeing my patients in real

was this story in their head, and again, especially for the human socializes women, that

“other people had opinions about them that mattered more than their own, right?”

That what their parents wanted them to do with their life, what society wanted to do with their lives. These things were way more important than their own dreams. And so as those dreams were deferred, they got sicker and sicker. I saw it day after day after day after day, and after years of seeing it, I started to bring

more coaching sort of framework into my clinical sessions and started working with my patients to really identify the mindset and the somatic body-based parts of this whole picture, this whole morass they were in that was keeping them sick on every level. From there, my work has really evolved to bring in somatics, the nervous system, and to really start to help people to see themselves as whole beings that are really trying to

do their best to survive in emotional outsourcing. You know, it really does feel like society pigeonholes women. Yes. And they say things like calm down. You're overreacting.

You're too much. You're too sensitive. Yes. Do they say that stuff to guys? Yeah.

I don't think so. I've never heard of. I'm going to say, I don't think I've ever heard that. Yeah.

“I've never heard a man told you should smile more, huh?”

Oh, yes. Abset, sit properly. Right. Well, guys could sit whatever way they want, you know? Yeah.

Certainly. Yeah. I work in an open fit mine with 120 big tough guys full of tattoos, beards, attitudes, you name it. And tell them how to sit or sit or smile or whatever, right?

Yeah. You know, I'm going back to work next week. I should try it for just for the heck of it. Would you think you'll have any teeth? They might say really.

Oh, yeah. You'll get the look, the raised eyebrow, and then you'll be ignored. Absolutely. Why is this?

“I mean, is this just something that's ingrained in society?”

And women basically don't know their own identity, because it seems like when we're

little girls we do, but then we lose it somewhere. Yeah, I think we're really indoctrinated. We're really trained up by the forces of patriarchy, white subtler colonialism, and late-stage capitalism. Each one, and they're all extractive forces, right?

And they tell us essentially don't be yourself, right? That little girl that you were, whose vibrant and proud and loud and knows herself, that's cool, until she starts to interact with society, right? And then all those messages, y'all are talking about the sit, sit, pretty, sit properly, be quiet.

They all come out to really make sure that we're in our place, right? And that our emotions are managed, we have no needs, because if you have needs, come on. You're selfish and selfish is wrong and selfish is bad if you're a woman, right? So keep quiet and be compliant and be a good girl. Don't be loud.

Don't talk about your feelings, but but also don't be emotional, right? Because men don't have emotions, because you can't just be a robot. Just sit there. Yeah, that's actually I think as much as a robot though. I think that's too much thinking though, right?

Yeah, if anyone's talking to chat, GPT or anything like that, they have thoughts. It seems like anyway, and AI doesn't admit it's wrong. Right, exactly.

Women are always apologizing.

Yes, we are definitely taught to apologize simply for existing, right? Because how dare we take up space. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm breathing, right? Oh, no, I'm sorry, are you mad at me? Because I'm on this call with you that you invited me to, I'm so sorry.

Oh, geez, you want me to go, I'm sorry. It is so true, it's so true, yeah. And you have something here where two sensitive really means highly attuned. It really does, doesn't it? I mean, women are biologically wired to be sensitive, right?

I mean, we have to anticipate what's going on with children. And they don't tell you what they're going to be doing. So you have to kind of plan ahead. I don't know about the biology. I haven't read those papers, but what I know for sure is that we're taught not to be sensitive,

we're mocked for being sensitive.

It's like how we are ashamed for gossiping, but what's gossip?

It's meeting other women at the well and telling them who not to be alone in a room

“with, whose uncle is a little loose when he's had a couple drinks, right?”

So we're ashamed for being sensitive, we're ashamed for having feelings, we're ashamed for talking to each other. And it's all towards the goal of just controlling us more and more and more. It is. Stay tuned for more of women road warriors coming up.

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“Come back to women road warriors with the Shelley Johnson that Kathy Tecaro.”

If you're enjoying this informative episode of Women Road Warriors, I wanted to mention Kathy and I explore all kinds of topics that will power you on the road to success. We feature a lot of expert interviews. Plus we feature celebrities and women who've been trailblazers. Please check out our podcast at womenroadwriers.com and click on our episodes page.

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And tell others about us. We want to help as many women as possible. If you're just joining us, we're here with Bay of Victoria, Albina, certified life coach and UCSF trained family nurse practitioner who's helping women rethink the story that they're too much.

As she puts it, we're not too much. We're carrying too much. Through her groundbreaking work on emotional outsourcing, Bay of Blends Neuroscience, Sematic

Practice, and a powerful feminist lens to help women break free from people pleasing, perfectionism,

and burnout, and finally come home to themselves. She's the founder of the Sematic Studio and Anchored, host to the feminist wellness podcast and author of End Emotional Outsourcing. Let's dive back in. Bay of?

You talk about codependency perfectionism and people pleasing, which women do, too. You say that they're survival strategies, they're not weaknesses. And I mean, that makes total sense. These are things that we've adopted. Although codependency can be something that is not a good thing.

A little of it, it's like a dash of salt, right? A little goes a long way. Well, I don't actually think any codependency is good for us, right? So I define emotional outsourcing, which is my umbrella term for our codependent perfectionist and people pleasing habits.

As when we chronically and habitually, source our sense of the three vital human needs of safety, belonging, and worth from everyone and everything outside of ourselves instead of from within at a great cost to sell. So why do we do that? Yeah, we do it because we're so brilliant.

So codependent habits is managing other people to attempt to feel safe.

“And that's why I say, if there's any healthy level of codependency because we need to”

use our safety within, right, and managing other people is not the way, sometimes avoiding people leaving the room, right when we're talking physical safety, but when we're talking emotional safety, trying to manage the way they feel isn't going to get us very far. People pleasing is keeping others comfortable to attempt to avoid rejection or abandonment and perfectionist habits are controlling yourself to attempt to earn love.

So I say that they're brilliant survival habits because they're how we learn to stay safe and to feel loved when we were in our most most dependent state, which is childhood. So like a giraffe is born in within minutes, she's like off and running, right? She's like, she's chill. She doesn't really need the pack, but we are pack animals, right?

We, we're like kittens, we need one another to to literally survive for quite a long time. And so if you grow up in a household, in an environment where emotional outsourcing runs

And so our mirror neurons in our mind, it's the monkey sea monkey do part of the brain, part

of our nervous system, sees our, our humans, our adults acting in this way. We learn, again, especially human socialize as girls and women, that putting others ahead of ourselves, that's the way to get through. And being on our authentic self, the one who is too much, too sensitive, too loud, too big, too whatever, too quiet, too thin, too fat, on and on, is not smart, right?

And so we learn to hide our true self away so that we can get the approval, we know we need from our grownups, because we don't know how to drive. We don't know where food comes from, we can't even reach the fridge door, right? We know we need to keep them happy with us. And so we take the true self, and we lock her up.

“We put her far, far, far away, because we know, we know that's the best way to get through.”

That's when we know if I stay as I am, if I stay who I am, I'll lose belonging. And that is one of the most dangerous things for a dependent tiny mammal, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, it's sad to talk about that.

Oh, here's another sad thing. Yeah. He just said that, is that I had spent my entire life being codependent and not knowing. Sure.

I heard recovery for alcoholism the first time, it was in 2009, and it took me until 2012

to finally get it, and I've been a 13-year sober, but I remember back in 2009, it was a faith-faith program, very morning and Christian, and we had 25 women lived in the same building. We had a roommate, we had a kitchen, we had courses, Bible study, but every year, and then we had codependency, we had boundaries, we had self esteem, we had anger management, we

“had sexual assault, we had all sorts of courses, right?”

And I had to ask my counselor two questions, one, what does boundaries mean? And two, what the hell is codependency? I had no clue, and when we started going through the classes, like the in-depth version of codependency, I was shocked, I mean shell-shock would almost be better, because I'm reading all this stuff, and I'm like, oh my god, how can I be 40?

And I'm never known this, I knew my behaviors, I knew, because I come from such a dysfunctional

upbringing, and so much family violence, and sexual violence, but not understanding why I'm trying to gain my mother's love, and where the clothes that she wants me to wear, not because I like them, I'm just trying to make her happy, right? Right? Or whatever it is, I'm behaving in a way that just to gain people's love, I was the master

comedian, at almost like a shapeshifter, into whoever standing in front of me, whatever it was that they were looking for I became, and I was good at it, I could do it in 10 seconds flat, right? Because I started reading them, reading their anticipating their responses, and well, that I had to do, because my stepfather was so violent that every time you walk in the room,

“you're deciding, oh, he's going to react, so how are you going to react?”

So I had a lot of poor education in that sense, but man, well, man, I got to tell you, it took me decades, I started at 40, it took me now I'm 56, I still catch myself sometimes, I have to back up the replay version and like, wait a minute, and I have to stop myself and unlearn, because it's learned behavior, so unlearn all the behavior, relearn what the proper thing is, and then really accept it and apply it in a different manner, but

yeah, happen overnight, nope, nope, no, and you spoke just something really important, which is that it's not about mindset only, like, of course we have to change the way we think about ourselves and the world and everything, but this codependent way of relating, it's the super swimming in our whole lives, and so we don't see ourselves living in this condition away, right, that pattern if I keep them happy, I'm safe, if I disappoint them, I'm unsafe,

that wiring gets into implicit memory, procedural memory in the nervous system, right?

to, like, driven to your work on a Saturday, because you just like get in the car and

you're on autopilot, right, that's the nervous system taking over and just taking you to

“where it thinks you should go, and so the same thing happens when the nervous system hears,”

like a tone of voice, like someone in your childhood had, it sends you right back into that old operating system. I like to think of it, the visual that works for me is like, you know, the old card catalog in the library, and it's like your brain has a set of reactions written on those cards, and it hears a certain tone and it pulls out the card, it goes, oh, okay,

fawn, you need to fawn now, you need to appease, you need to make them love you go. And before

you even realize that you're just playing this tape and you're doing the old thing, and it's out of your control, which is the big reason why I sought to reframe this as emotional outsourcing, because the old way of talking about it didn't have enough compassion, love, or care for just how automatic this is, how much it's socialization and conditioning, and that we need gentleness to be able to live in a different way, because most of us learned to live this way, like you

shared, because we grew up in harshness. So we need tenderness. It's so true, but how do we stop playing that tape in our head and retrain our synapses? Yeah, I love the like picturing retraining us synapses, like, no, to the left little synapses. Well, we have to start by becoming our own North Star again. We have to really step into our bodies again, because we have to rewire the nervous system and body patterns so that we can feel safe enough existing as our own whole person.

“The thing to remember is that if you've spent your entire life orienting towards others,”

hyper-tuning to their emotions, walking on eggshells anticipating their needs before their spoken, then your nervous system has wired itself to prioritize external safety over internal stability. Right? Because emotional outsourcing pulls you away from yourself and melds you with the people around you. And we step into role confusion, which you spoke to and thank you again for that. So before you can shift behavior, before you can retrain those synapses, you actually have to

feel yourself as a separate person. And so we start this, I have a very, very simple three step thing we can do to start this process. And we need to start with our biological impulses. Now, y'all tell me, how many times have you felt the need to pee and said, "Let me finish this power point. Let me finish this spreadsheet. Let me take this one more bed." Right? We have too many times that I can count. My goodness gracious, right? And same with hunger, same with fatigue,

enrusting, same with pleasure, taking a bath, reading a book, right? And not just like zoning out, because sometimes we can let ourselves do that. We lose track really early of our biological impulses. And so what are you saying to your body every time you say, you hear it say, "Grow, you're hungry," and you say, "Nah, somebody else's business is more important than you." Right? Doing this task, reorganizing the kitchen is more important than you, body. And we don't realize we're saying that,

of course, but we need to reverse that. And so the first task at hand is to listen to your biological

“impulses. And as much as you're able, like if you're doing brain surgery and you have to pee,”

sorry, that's the occasion where you hold it. But as much as you're able and it's safe to attend your biological impulses. And make it a priority. And if that's all you do, you'll start to see change in not too much time, because it cascades, right? So that's one, listen to your biological impulses. Two, three times a day, set a reminder on your phone, to stop, take one breath, and ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? What emotion is alive in my body? Now, for most of

us starting to do this, we've spent a whole life emotional outsourcing. Our body's going to say, wait, what? Oh, I don't know. I'm, uh, what? No, thank you. No, thank you. We would have had the idea of what we're feeling, right? We won't know it. And that's okay. We are not asking

experience us come to know us, remember us as someone who listens, because what are those little

kids, right? We were saying little girls with all their imagination and their playing and building forks and making mud pies, they know what they're feeling, right? When a little kid gets hurt, they run up to you and they say, I'm hurt and I'm mad and I'm sad and they just let it all out until they get trained not to, right? Yeah. And so it's less about hitting the exact feeling on the feelings wheel, that doesn't really matter. It's about your body saying, oh, oh, wait, I've got

“her attention again. Okay, now. So once you've asked, what is the emotion? What am I feeling right now?”

Next, scan your body. And again, if this is new to you, you might not notice anything. Who cares?

You're going to scan your body and ask, where is their tension? Where is their ease? What sensations

are present right now? What's happening in my body? And then, if you hear your body, say, well, actually, my shoulders are really, really tight, because I'm feeling all this sadness and it feels like it's weighing me down, then you're going to do one small act of self-honoring. So maybe you just stretch those shoulders, just roll them back. Maybe you're feeling anxious in your hands, feel tight, shake them out. Maybe your sad and your chest is heavy, put a hand on your heart. Right,

do one tiny thing. And the reason this is so simplified is because that's what we need, right, to retrain those synapses, like a little lion tamer. And because this needs to take about five seconds, right? Busy moms working full times, driving carpool, PT, come on, who's got time for an hour of meditation and journaling, right? We can do this in five seconds. You can do it in the serial aisle, but what matters is that you do it. And so this works because the more you practice

noticing yourself without judgment, the stronger your internal reference point becomes,

“which helps you remember that you are and can, again, be the center of your own friggin universe.”

And when you are the center of your universe and know what you want and need, you can have healthier boundaries with the people you love, which is resentment prevention. You can say, yes, I'm sadically, when you want to help and it feels good to help, and you can say, no, when you don't have the energy, which then allows you to recharge and rest and take care of yourself, so you can say, yes, once more, when you actually want to help. And so it's not selfish.

There's nothing wrong with listening to yourself this way. It's the way to matter to yourself and to be a good and loving member of your family and your communities. Stay tuned for more of women road warriors. Come on up. Dear Michael, the tax doctor here, I have one question for you. Do you want to stop worrying about

the IRS? If the answer is yes, then look no further. I've been around for years. I've helped

countless people across the country and my success rate speaks for itself. So now you know where to find good honest help with your tax problems? What are you waiting for? If you owe more than $10,000 the IRS, or have it filed in years, call me now at 888-557-4020 or go to my taxilbmd.com for a free consultation and get your life back. Industry movement trucking moves America forward is telling the story of the industry.

Our safety champions, the women of trucking, independent contractors, the next generation of truckers and more help us promote the best of our industry share your story and what you love about trucking share images of a moment you're proud of and join us on social media. Learn more at truckingmusamerica.com Welcome back to Women Road Warriors with the Shelley Jobson that Kathy Tekaro.

Today's conversation is one so many women need to hear. We're here with Bay of Victoria Albina, certified life coach, family nurse practitioner, and leading voice in emotional wellness who's flipping the script on what we've been told for years if you've ever been labeled too much.

“Bayus says the truth is, you're doing too much. Through her work on emotional outsourcing,”

she helps women break free from people pleasing, perfectionism and burnout by retraining the nervous system and rebuilding self-trust. She's the founder of the sematic studio and anchored,

Let's jump back in. Baya, in our previous segment you talked about taking the time to recognize

“our biological selves and taking the time to to an assessment. So you're bit by bit acknowledging”

yourself and kind of conditioning yourself to do that. It also sounds like we're activating our pericipathetic nervous system by doing this too. That's right. Yes, we are taking ourselves into ventral vagal, which is the safe and social part of the parasympathetic nervous system. And that's the part of when our nervous system is predominantly in that state. That's when everything rounds optimally. We can think best. Our heart and lungs work best. Digestion is optimized like

everything, mood, energy feels best. So yeah, this is a parasympathetic moment that can help reduce risk of all sorts of stress induced concerns from diabetes to hypertension to answer, I mean, on and on. It sounds like we're finding ourselves with with your techniques. I wanted to touch

“on the term emotional outsourcing real quickly because I don't know if people really know what that”

means. And then I was actually thinking the same thing because I'm here. I'm sitting emotional outsourcing. What does that really mean? Yeah, let me let me share that definition again. Yeah, so it's when we chronically and habitually source our sense of the three vital human needs. Safety, belonging, and worth from everyone and everything outside of ourselves instead of from within at a great cost to self. And this is the umbrella term that I came up with as a catch-all for our co-dependent

perfectionist and people pleasing habits. Okay, that makes, you know, it's a really all-encompassing term. So then that really makes sense because we really are just kind of given it to somebody else. We're giving ourselves a way. Yeah, yeah, we are. We are to the point where we don't know who our self is. I mean, gosh, the number of women in my programs in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s who say, I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want for dinner much less for the rest of my

life. I don't know myself because all I've been was a good daughter, a good student, a good employee, a good wife, a good mom. And here I am with no clue. Yeah. Yeah. So your book and emotional outsourcing your guide to overcoming codependent perfectionist and people pleasing habits. What

all does that cover? I mean, that's, that's a mouthful. It sure is. So in the first half of the book,

we talk about why we need to redefine these terms. We recognize that the term codependency comes from, comes from AA, comes from the big book of, of alcoholics and anonymous. And I'm not talking about that program. I'm staying on my side of the street to say that I find it problematic to put codependent behavior in the same, in the same sort of bucket, um, which is the disease model. I don't think that having codependent habits is a disease. It's not in the DSM. It's not a

diagnosable experience. Um, until we talk about why the reframe is necessary and how it really helps and supports us to step out of this old story that we are diseased, sick and suffering defective for having these habits. And instead reframe, as we've been talking about is really, really, really, it's survival skills. We talk about the ideology, the where did it come from? We look at society and systems of oppression through a feminist empowerment lens. We look at

family of origin. And we talk about our family and our really loving, respectful way, right? So don't get scared that I'm going to throw your sweet family under the bus, though if you want to go for it, but I'm not going to do it for you. But we talk about how, hey, if your family raised you this way, it's probably because they were raised this way and they were raised this way and they were raised this way, right? And so we can have some, um, some understanding there, but it,

“but not in the, you have to forgive them framework either, because I think that can be problematic.”

So we spend the first half really understanding it, talking about the mindset. I explain the

nervous system through the lens of polyvagal theory, which I share as a metaphor. But we come to understand the nervous system and I use really accessible, understandable science language because it really matters to me that we under. We hear the big words, we understand the big words, but we

single chapter has journaling exercises, somatic practices. So somatic, I know it's, you know, all the rage on the internet these days. I've been studying it for about over 20 years, but somatic soma means body and Greek. And somatics is any modality that supports us in stepping into our body in its wholeness to really understanding the world through the lens of our body, not just living from the neck up, which so many of us do in emotional outsourcing because it's safer and smarter

and we're no fool. So, um, I walk us through somatic practices and teach us how to begin to reconnect with our body. So our body can really help us to just connect with so much more wisdom, so much more brilliance, uh, from an understanding of gosh, your, your brain holds all that conditioning, all that socialization. Most of our thoughts aren't our own, right? Like if we stopped and really looked at them, there's somebody else's thoughts, especially the meany pants wants, right? And so

at the second half, I teach you the thought work protocol, which is based in cognitive behavioral theory,

the stoics, a couple other modalities that are detailed, and then we step into somatics and learn how to begin to make these changes in ways that are really sustainable towards the goal of interdependence. So the goal of overcoming and rewiring codependent habits is not independence.

“It's not more bootstrapping, it's not more going it on your own. That doesn't help anyone, right?”

It's, it's more community and more interdependence. That's our goal. We need community. There's we do. We do. Yeah. We need each other. Human beings are not designed to be an island. No. And studies show that, you know, loneliness is the new smoking. Loneliness is really a killer, there's no doubt about this. And we have a lot of problems with depression. And I heard the stat that something like 30% of people in the United States live alone.

Gosh, that's, that's pretty high. That's a lot. Yeah. And there aren't third spaces, right? You go to Europe and everyone's in the plaza. Everyone's talking to each other. People are in community Latin America, the same, you know, most of the world. There are third spaces where you don't have to buy something to spend time in community. And it's

“sorely missing in the U.S. And I think it really hurts us. So a really conscious move towards”

more interdependence is vital vital vital, especially right now. Well, then people communicate, which seems to also be very, very lacking today. We're connected, but we don't know how to communicate. Everybody's on a device. It's like, could you talk to me? What? Yeah. Yeah. That's

true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were in Spain this summer and it was just so amazing. People weren't

on their devices in the same way. And we didn't see a single kid on an iPad or an iPhone. Yeah. And I'm not judging any parent who's on their last leg and the hands of the kid the phone. I have desperation. I judge no one. And I'm just saying it was so lovely that that's just not the culture. Well, and it's more insightful. We have to, we have to communicate and children learn by doing it in repetition. It's not something we're not born speaking. We're born

screaming. Need me. You know, I need my diaper changed. But I mean, we try to communicate. I mean, we have an innate need to communicate somehow. And of course, what you're teaching is communicating in a way that is respecting ourselves too. Certainly. And that's so important because when you think

“about it, when we're toddlers, I think we think of ourselves. And we have to learn how to share”

and everything else. And then we go way over to the other side where we just stop giving to ourselves at all. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's self-referential quality of toddlers is fully lost in emotional outsourcing. And there is something really beautiful about bringing it back. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Being your own north star, we need that. I like that. I like that too. Oh good. Stay tuned for more of women road warriors. Come on up.

Dear Michael, the tax doctor here. I have one question for you. Do you want to stop worrying about

the IRS? If the answer is yes, then look no further. I've been around for years. I've helped

good honest help with your tax problems? What are you waiting for? If you owe more than $10,000 the IRS, or have it filed in years, call me now at 888-557-4020 or go to mytaxailbmd.com for a free consultation and get your life back. Welcome back to Women Road Warriors with the Shelley Johnson, that Kathy Takaro. We're continuing this powerful conversation with Bay of Victoria Albina, a certified life coach and family nurse practitioner who's helping women finally put

down what was never there's to carry. Her message is simple, but profound. You're not too much.

You've just been carrying too much for too long. Through her work on emotional outsourcing, Bay of combined science, somatic healing, and a compassionate feminist approach to help women release guilt, stop overgiving, and come back home to themselves. She's also the founder of the somatic studio and anchored and host of the feminist wellness podcast. Let's continue. Baya, with your teachings, essentially what you're doing is bringing us back to who are supposed

to be? That's the dream, huh? Right? That we can really step into our power, step into our

authenticity and learn to ride the wave of our emotions and our feelings because it's uncomfortable

when other people are uncomfortable and we need to learn to be comfortable with that. Right? So so that we can say, oh, no, thank you. I'm not available. Oh, no, thank you. I don't want to go. Those are the best words ever when they come out and you don't have to justify yourself or give a reason as to why you're saying, no, yeah, no, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, and it's it really, we need so much more balance, right? So that where we can we can trust ourselves that we are

“taking care of ourselves and the people we love. And I think we've really lost so much sight in that.”

You teach how to learn to say no without over explaining or the guilt hang over. I like that term, guilt hang over. That's so very true. Yeah. Yeah. There's this aftermath, huh? When we say no, I'm not available. I don't want to. Where the that guilt eats us alive. And so what really helps my clients and helps me is to remember when we don't say no, we resent the people we love. And my goodness. I think that's so much worse than just saying the no and then learning to like

ride that wave of guilt and just be with it and allow ourselves to be uncomfortable without grabbing a device or a substance or whatever we used to buffer against our feelings. But I don't want anyone to resent me like I would so rather somebody say no, I can't help with that and be honest, right? And so we need to prioritize and privilege honesty in our own lives so that we can give out to the people we love. People hate to say no. It's kind of interesting a lot of times people instead

of saying no that they'll avoid it. If it's via email, they just won't respond because they don't want to. It's uncomfortable. They don't want to have to explain themselves or maybe they are

“afraid to disappoint. It depends on where they're coming from though. Sure. But I think we need to get honest.”

I'm so much more disappointed by someone not responding. So we need to really be honest with ourselves. We say that it's easier in our quotes than not respond to defer, to deflect, to like, well, do this whole song and dance, but it's kind of, it's BS because it's actually so much harder on everyone's heart to be indirect. Yeah. I mean, you're being ignored. Ignored is rude. You don't feel like you have any importance in that person's life. It's like, hey, is anybody home? Come on. Yeah.

Right. Right. But again to your point, Shelley, I think you said it so perfectly. People fear conflict and they think say no is is conflict and conflict is bad. And so they'd rather leave someone on red than simply state there. No. And I think we need to have a reckoning with that.

“I think we need to all realize that there's nothing kind about being indirect. You think part of”

it too is no is a word that we hear as toddlers by our parents. No. No. Stop that. No. So we don't

like the word. And that's one of the first words that little ones use because they hear it too.

Yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. But yeah. So we can use a slightly different language.

I'm not available. Students in my program actually get stickers that say I'm not available

“with a smiley face because that's how we say it. That's not available. Look at me. Yay.”

It's an empowered response. And it's a positive one that doesn't reject the other person. And well, maybe it also puts the other person off center if they want to start a kind of like they don't really know what to say to that. Good. Oh, I love that framing. Right. How you get to come for me? I'm just not available. Right. You kind of hijack the normal way of people responding. Oh, my gosh. I love that. I was unwittingly more devious than I realized that

that works. Oh, my goodness. I love your perspectives. So do you work with people online? I do. Yeah. I run a six month program called Anchor, which is an intensive coaching program. We meet once you're twice a week to coach. We have a whole community forum. When I tell you these women have each other's backs. Wow. Wow. Wow. One of them had surgery a couple months back and several members of the community flew from across the world to support her. Wow.

Someone's husband died during the program. Somebody flew from Colorado to New Zealand to help that woman with her kids. What? Wow. Yeah. No, this community is it's about not just overcoming our codependent habits stepping out of emotional outsourcing, but stepping into a deep, deep, deep sense

of community care often for the first time and through that community care really reframing the way

we relate to ourselves in the world. And we do breath work. We have dance parties. It is so much fun. I mean, there's a lot of crying. It's tough going, but it's a lot of fun. You're incentivizing empathy and compassion. I love that. That's crying. That's something that's so lacking today. Bravo to you. I love this. I really appreciate that. It's, it's a lot of work. Oh, but yeah. It's worth it. Well, anything that's good takes work. Yeah. That's the way it is in

the, in the world. That's true. Yeah. Wonderful. And Deva, what a wonderful goal you have and when the impact you're having on people. This is terrific. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. I'm going to say we've been doing this for four years and it interviewed a wide variety of guests. And you are the only one that are that we've interviewed anyway that is doing what you're doing on such a on the

“grand scale and kudos to you. I think what you're doing is absolutely amazing. Oh, you have to say,”

thank you. I'm really honored by that. It is, um, it's really important work. I was a hospice nurse back in the day and I just want everyone to, I want women to, to really live the lives they want to live, right? And so that when we get to the end of it, we can say gosh, I had a good run. Yeah. I did what I wanted to do and to care of my family in a loving way that honored me and I, I left this world better than I found it. Like the song, I did it my way. There you go. Thank you so

no. What a great theme song. Yeah, that's great. Really is sung by Frank Sinatra many years of your I leave. That's the one. Oh, blue eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So where do people reach out to you? Yeah. So you can order the book. And get a whole suite of beautiful thank you gifts for supporting

a first time author at my website. So it's first name last name dot com batrease. Be a T r i z albina dot com slash

book. My podcast is called Theminist Wellness. I'm at free wherever you get your podcast and you can find me on Instagram at my whole darn name by at threes Victoria albina n p. I love this. I want to pick your brain for another. But we let's do it. Had me back on the show. Oh, did you see that would be great because we hear so many things we could talk about. Oh, my gosh. That would you to our delight. I do a lot of these conversations in YouTube or something special. So I really look forward to coming back.

Thank you so much, babe. This is just wonderful. We really appreciate that. Likewise. Thank you.

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