Somethings Burning And It's Bert's Bus | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

I'm lowering my compression stars. >> All right, welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave as I've heard reviews his compression socks. >> I'm an old man now Tom. >> Yeah.

>> I keep saying I'm a snowman in March. >> What does that mean? >> I'm dying. >> [LAUGH]

>> Hey, you've never looked better.

>> Josh's taking swings at me. >> I just looking good on you man. >> The death looks good on me. >> Yeah. >> It was on stage I stayed in Ottawa and I was like my life is unrecognizable from three months ago.

I had two dogs three months ago. My kids were in LA. I had no blood clots. I had a bus. I had all the shit going on.

And then this woman just goes, what about your rotation? >> [LAUGH] >> Oh, look at that guy's lady. >> Thanks, lady. >> Well, we should discuss it because God knows you're going to talk about it

incessantly. >> I haven't talked about it yet.

>> I don't really do a podcast this much anymore.

“>> Well, this is the best thing, it's the best life to live.”

Don't do it too much. >> I got to be honest with you. Cutting back was my stand-ups better. Tickets sales are better. >> I think people were like, I just want to see you on stage.

>> Enough. >> No, but let's talk about it for real because I wake up like many people did. Open my phone, and I can't even believe the image that you post. Your tour bus burned to a crisp. >> Yeah.

>> So what happened? >> Like what actually happened? >> So we were fucking fargo. >> Yeah, that's how most people say it to. >> Fucking fargo.

>> Fucking fargo, that's what people say.

>> Fargo gets me every time.

Last time, we still don't often do an embankment on the bus. >> And on the bus and the bus got stuck. >> And then everyone was making jokes about it. >> You're back to fargo. What's gonna happen this time, and this is what happened.

We get done the show, Fargo, we're heading to see the rapids. And we had to blow out. We had to blow out. It was crazy. I live streamed it.

It's all my Instagram, but we had to blow out. And the tire ripped off the wheel well. >> As you're driving. >> As we're driving it, rips off, rolls next to the bus, lands next to the bus. But five feet from the actual rim, the rim is bare, and we're like, in the middle we're

an hour outside fargo, in the middle of a field, there's a huge snowstorm. Roads are icy, trucks are flying down the road. And I get out with live stream, I sit for two hours, have a cigar, and how many people are with you on the bus at this point? >> So we have traveled with three buses.

>> Yeah. >> So I have one bus, it's crew, another bus, it's crew, and then our bus is me, in finance, tapers, or my trainer, Alex, and Kyle, my assistant. >> In the driver.

“>> And the driver, do we blow out, do we handle it perfectly, pulls it over?”

We sit for two hours, and they're like, "All right, what are we going to do? We can't get a guy out here. They're going to come out tomorrow morning to switch your tires." And I'm going to stay with the bus or my beds there, everything's there. And then we may not be able to get a tire in time to get you to see the rapid, so why

don't you get into a bunk, and we'll drive you to see the rapid, and I'm like, "No." And they're like, "It's the best bet. That way we know we can be right there for this show. We don't know when the bus will get here." And all my stuff's on the bus, so I don't want to leave the bus, but I'm like, "We've

been waiting for two hours. We don't know when the tires come in when I guard five." >> When you say stuff, like, "What are we talking about?" >> My hats, your hats, your hat, your hat. >> Everything, I have.

I just, we were watching Accomand 2, and there's a scene in Accomand 2 that like, Ron, you're making fun of doing on our bus. And you have all these bowling balls. What do you have all this stuff for? He goes, "Oh, I got a little cruise control."

And then they show everything flying around their bus. I've done a video of that day of all the loose stuff next to my bed. I have a hatchet, I have knives, I have a trophy, I have two trophies. >> What is with all the knives? >> I have no idea, collect knives on the road.

I just got knives on the road. And so I have so much of cumulative, so much stuff, I have nine gallons worth of scars, three new boxes, all my clothes, I have everything, I live in this bus, I live in this bus, all my medications, everything. So I pack a bag, I grab my bedding, I pack a bag, it's quick as I can, just to do the

show and see the rapids. We get on our buses, we get in bunks, we pull in the see the rapids, that morning they wake me up and they're like, "I don't think women should ever deliver back."

“They don't have the hard for it, I think that all women could take a class in just one”

of those guys from the '50s that would deliver bad news to families who lost a kid in the war, where you just walked, I got bad news, your son's dead. Marcee, my dorm manager, you guys, okay, we're all fine, and I was like, "What's going on?"

I was like, "What the fuck's happening?"

“And she was like, "We're going to get through this, I don't even want to fuck more, I literally”

lose, I go, what the fuck Marcee and then Kyle goes, the bus caught on fire, I don't want to eat what?" And he goes, "Yeah." And then they say to me, Marcee says, "A little smoke damage, and a little water damage, but it should be fine."

"It looks good." "It looks really good." "And Kyle pulls up this picture." And I go, Marcee, she goes, I haven't seen that picture yet. And I'm like, "So no one was on the bus."

What do he was? "When it started." That morning, he was on the bus waiting for the tire, and he heard a pop, I mean, these are all allegedly, only because there's, I'm sure there's an insurance claim, and I'm just telling you what do we do, what I've heard through the big grapevine.

He heard a pop, and within 15 seconds, the entire front cabin was filled with smoke, and it was in 30 seconds, it was all a flame. It was completely an electrical fire started. "We're guessing the electrical fire started in the ceiling.

“Within 30 seconds, the entire bus was on flames.”

Do we got out?" He didn't have time to grab anything. He literally got out, and the bus was on fire in 30 seconds. And we would have all been asleep in it, and no one would have been able to get out. Without a doubt, no one would have gotten out.

Because we all sleeping in the back of the bus, the front of the bus, called on fire. There's no getting out. There's an escape. I couldn't have got, there's no windows in the back. The little window in the back, in the back, back, back, is too small for me to get out

the escape latch, which I never knew I had.

It was in above my bed. It's cool to not know that. You think I would have learned Tom, I got on a bus last night, and we're driving across the bridge from Toronto to Toronto to Toronto. And it was windy, and it was snowing, and I was like, "I should look for the escape

latches in this bus." Just got from it, we fell under the water, on the off this bridge. Because that was the crazy thing. It was the whole week. It was crazy winds.

So, you could have to do North Dakota, and there's crazy winds, so it's like, "God's giving you a DUI." So, the bus is getting pushed and pushed, but then the big thing is everyone just wrote, "This is AI."

“Yeah. And I was like, "Yeah, that's what I'd use AI for.”

Not to get pictures of my wife and turn her into a fucking war." Yeah, yeah. You use it for this.

I have the best AI pictures, I believe.

Yeah, I think I've seen a few. But it's crazy, you know, there's no comparison. I was telling you, the death thing hits, I've had so many clothes calls with death. I may have the blood clot in the leg that traveled to my lungs that we caught in the nick of time.

Among blood thinners, I have this bus, I haven't drank, I have no tap outs, so I have no like, I haven't been able to drink vodka and have a drink and be like, "Wow." Or I have nothing, no weed, no nothing for like two and a half months. So, but it's like, I have a hard time processing the almost died part of it. I think it's easier to process losing your home.

Your hats. Yeah. My hats. So many hats. I had so many great hats, I'd leather pants on there, when I had process this photo,

I kept thinking like, "Man, if you had died, that would have been my machine story, you know." Can't tell you, like, I would have been touring for years, be like, "When I was 46, my best friend, I had no bus fire." People would be like, "Here we go!"

Shit. Yeah. I got to be honest with you, burning the dust, not the way I want to go. No. I want to go out.

I would have mind going out with that bus. I just loved that bus. So, are you in a weird way though? Are you kind of excited to get a new bus? No.

I'm going to tell you what Leon said. Well, and by the way, she's welcome, she's here, she's going to fend herself. Yeah. I said to her, like that day, the bus is still smoldering. Yeah.

And I said, by the way, if you see the video of the person who drove by the bus, did you see that? I don't think so. Or they're like, "You can't park here?" No, no.

But they're driving by, and they just seen my show, I don't know where you'll find it. They're just driving by my show, and they just come from my show. They spent the night, and they're driving by, and it shows you how bad the fire was. There was no getting out of this bus. I mean, it was, tell him it was, "I have an ocenitya."

The Kyle has, and I'm sure Kyle has it, Kyle sent it to you. But so the bus is smoldering, I say to Leon, "What the fuck are we going to do about this tour?" Two months left, I have two months left until we go into production for the show, and

So I have like a lot of tour dates left, and I said, "Diliana, are we going to buy another

bus or build another bus?"

“And Leon says, "The bus is still smoldering.”

I don't know. How much longer are you going to be doing this for?" Huh? What? Look at that.

Look at that, Tom. Go do it. See it again. Look at this is the fire. Jesus.

They're going to slow down a little bit, yeah, I know. And by the way, they knew it was me. They didn't, they're like, "He's dead. That's crazy." They've been to my show, they've been to my show, and they knew it was me.

Do you get so much, that's such a serious photo? I know. You get so much press when you almost die. Yeah. That's crazy.

It's like people magazine reached out, like TMZ was got it right away. They got it.

“This is the second time they thought I was dead.”

Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a story telling show. It'll be in my community, friends. We're all telling true. It's a really terrible story.

We're doing top various things. While face some time. We're preparing. We're grateful. Every STD.

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It's gonna kill us all. It's gonna kill us all. Come on. I should be in jail. Hey there.

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I didn't let anyone reply to their call. Did you do it as much as you did on Club Sheshae? Because that's still the funniest thing I've ever seen. What was that? What?

When he goes, so he looks at his notes. He's like, you lost everything and then you got it back and you went, yeah. And he didn't correct him at all.

And you're like, wait, what's he talking about? You're like, uh-huh. The look on my face. The actual look on my face. You look scared.

You look scared. Gillis texted it to me and he goes, the actual look on your face is hysterical. I haven't seen any. I remember it happening and I remember Joe came up to me and he was like, he was kind of a good question.

I go, yeah, and he goes. Eddie Bob would call me the day. I was taking a shit and he goes, he goes, there it is. You look so scared. Wait, we have to set this up.

So that people know. So Joe, I see Joe this the night before I'm doing Joe's. I see Joe and he comes up right up to me. You know what Joe has like, something you think. Yeah.

He goes, hey, I got to ask you a question. He goes, any problem with call me the day.

“I'm taking a shit and he goes, did Berkshire lose everything and then get it all back?”

Can I go? Absolutely fucking not. He goes, well, he was on club Shay Shay and he said he lost it all and got it back. And I go. By the way, I did the interview.

I said so much more wild shit than that. Yeah. That's the last thing I think of. Yeah. And Joe goes, that is so you.

Yes. It is not one confrontation and to want the guy's story to be good. So I just went, yeah, but I don't remember it. And then I know because I, because I know you, when I saw the clip, I see him just say this. And I see you go like, like, what do I do I correct him?

And you just, you just go like, because he's like, he clearly just got bad information. And it was just like, you lost it all. And instead of being like, what are you talking about? You're just like, yeah. Here play this.

Look at births. Faith. And he goes, the birth pressure loses everything. And then get it back. I go, what?

Because he was on a Shayna Sharpshow and Shayna says to birth. He lost it all. (laughter) Get it back up. And he goes, it seems like it wasn't true.

I go, it's not true. Did birth go along with it? He goes, yeah. I go, what? Did you believe you could build it back up?

After you lost it? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? And if I ever get back in the situation with you again, I promise you it won't happen again.

I wish I was that inside of you. (laughter) What you married? You lost everything so much.

So I've never been through it.

“I just, you know, I really was like, what story do I have a Jason to this?”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everyone's got their hero story they tell. I could see it was like turning. I was like, what? Because I was like, I, the end of the night when we were at Georgia,

we were broke, but everyone's been broke. I lose it all. Yeah. Like I spent money. But, you know.

And then I was like, and then when I got fired from travel town, I still had money. But that's a good hero. I don't know. I was like, I think I told him, mixture of both.

That is so funny. That is, if any, can I say, there's a couple things that have happened in my life where I go, I, where I realize you're not my, you're not supposed to like me. Like if you, if that gets you angry and you leave a comment,

you're like, this is why you're, you're never supposed to like me. It's that, because that is who I am. That is, I can't, I'll never be able to change that. That, and when I was reading prompts are during the Tom Brady roast, that is exactly where I am.

That I'm never going to not be that guy.

So if those two things, they're three though. What's the third? Because the third would be the official, the official Chrysher Epstein file documents from the Department of Justice. That's pretty crazy.

This is crazy.

“Did you see the fluffy like had to make a statement?”

No. Yeah. What did he say? He's in the Epstein files too. Well.

And it's the same as mine. He's just like the, he was at the West Palm Improver, birthday cart, whatever. Yeah, and they were just like, who's playing this week? So this, let me see this.

You're at the, you're at the bottom. It's pretty detailed. Pretty detailed. But, oh my god, it's the same date as today. Is it really?

Yeah. March 21st, 23rd. Oh. I'm going to be, I have a comedy central special. Birthday conqueror, trip flip.

Yeah. And it goes into some shit you guys did.

But the, uh, basically says I'm at the West Palm Improver.

Right. Which, who else doesn't? He didn't even, he didn't even reply to get tickets. He just wanted to know who was playing. Hey, I'm a spam email of his.

I'm a spam to Jeffrey. I was the, he just wanted to know. Bob Sagitton here. Tracy Morgan's, wait, there's a lot of bits. Everyone there was at the, are you in here?

You were playing the West Palm Improver. I'm in Bravent. No, he didn't want to go. Bullshit. I didn't make it, dude.

Draley Morgan. Bob Sagitton. We tried. We asked. Wait, Tom's got to be in here.

It's not believe me. You can search the, the, uh, root carry. Stop throwing other people under the bus. Let's talk about you. Bruce Curs.

These were comedy classes. These were all from the improv. What did you and him do for real? This is your chance to come clean.

I never met Jeffrey Epstein.

“You see that guy, that guy that they're like, Epstein's alive.”

Yeah. And then make him money off. Yeah, he came out. He was like, I'm fucking, just a guy. I look like up my guess.

How fucking horrible. But he did the right thing, which is like, don't, don't get upset about it. He just kind of leaned in. It was like, no, I just have a, he's making money off it. How's he making money off?

He's doing like parties and like, oh, really? Like, yeah, the only, the only fans guy died. What? The guy who started only fans. And I had only, but he just died today. Why knew that guy?

You did? Yeah, why, he, they did a roast of me on only fans. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And so I met him.

And I guess he died. He's 43 years old. Damn. Only fans owner. That's young, dude. I know.

43.

Does it say what he, why he died?

I mean, at 43, it's got to be something. You know, it's got to be. Yeah. Oh, cancer. Yeah.

Oh, for real? That's what it said. What do you think it was? It's like suicide drugs. Oh, well, yes, the other stuff.

43 cancer, that doesn't seem fair. What would you rather have cancer? I would have been thinking about this a lot lately, because of my two clear-death experiences. One was with Leanne, right? And where I was, and, and we were in the hospital room.

And I got bad news. We had to find out how bad it was. And I was like, fuck, this is real. And the other one would have been instant. I would just would have died not take a bite, anyone.

Yeah. So which one do you think you'd want?

“I think you probably would want to say goodbye, right?”

Well, like, push that cancer. How was that, like, was that fun? Yeah, it was a great time. Yeah. No.

But what did, did you do stuff, like, go for a walk in the park? Yeah. But the thing is when, like, this guy, they said long battle. He probably had a, I'm assuming here, like a terminal diagnosis. Yeah.

So hers was different in that you had my procedure, revealed it was more. Had another procedure, then you kind of confirm that it's no longer there. It's not spreading your system. It's more like a wake up sobering moment in life. Yeah.

But it wasn't a terminal diagnosis. Does it change her entirely, does she drink quite wine anymore? Yes, sometimes, but she definitely had a huge change in perspective. Really? For sure.

I mean, I haven't, I've had two near-death experiences, and we've lost both our dogs. And I, and I, and I, my perspective is not changed entirely. Yeah, but all. Well, I mean, I'm wondering if I should throw a party the day I can start drinking. I'm wondering, what's the day you're allowed to start drinking?

July 11th. Why is it that day? Six months. I figured me on these blood thinners for six months. And then you're good to go.

And then I mean, I think, I mean, I, if they keep me on blood thinners, I will simply drink on blood thinners. Yeah. I mean, I, I don't, I don't know. Are you still on the jab?

The majority. Yeah. Yeah. I do everything. It's changed.

“I mean, I, I was, if you look at my life.”

Yeah. The majority are changing your shits. I forgot. Yeah. How so?

Oh, they're like this. Mmm. Mmm. My asshole, just. Mmm.

Mmm. Really? That's not good. Oh, it's, they're wild. And then every single time.

Every single time. I don't feel like I have any shit left in me. And if I just sit there, I keep shitting. You know those people. You know, I think I told you this joke.

I wrote this after Monroe. You know those people that can sit down on a piano and just start playing. You can just do that with shitting with toilets. Really? I sit on a toilet and I just start playing.

I can sit on a toilet and start shitting. I sit on a toilet and just happen. Just that any time. I, by sitting on a toilet right now, I'll start shitting. So you're just ready to go at all times.

That's hilarious. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jack Osborne texted me and he's one of my boss. But then crazy who's all the people that reached out.

That when, when you're, when to find out like. Christ is stepping out for as much like as like a, you know, silly. Yeah. You do, he's a ballbuster. He's the sweetest guy.

He is the sweetest guy. He really is.

He's the first person to text me when my TV show came out.

And he was the first person to text me when my boss burned down. Really? Yeah, he was, he was like, he was like, he was a came in. I just saw your boss. I know how much you love that thing or whatever.

But just stuff. And I was the sweetest Tim Dylan. Yeah. What did he say? It looks like downtown Austin.

Mark, something can stop the machine. Yeah. Mark's got a new special out on Netflix. Uh, and on to please Ryan Sikler. There's a lot of people on it.

I can't really Joe, let's say. Great for your alive. Yeah, yeah. By the way, I didn't take that photo. I'm not going to get out of, you can get out of, uh, comments.

I don't know the thing ever since I haven't drank.

I haven't looked at the online. I've been very little online. Good. Yeah. I've been journaling like crazy.

That's good. Today I was journaling and I was saying,

How come, uh, like, I'm at, I am, like, in first class.

There was all like grownups. There's all business people that are coming down for a conference. And they'll, they'll finance people and their hedge fund guys. And they're all big, big things. And, and they're all dressed nicely.

And I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm in arguably in a nice outfit. It's a cashmere track suit. And I'm wearing nice clothes also. But I don't feel like them. And I, and I, and I, and I, and they were all, like,

Confident reading newspapers and doing, getting worked on, and replying emails, and I'm journaling about how scared I am of flying. And, and, and, and I just, I was like, well, I, and I'm not, I'm not drinking. None of them are drinking. They're all having coffee.

I'm having coffee, but I'm noticing it's making me jittery. And then I'm like, well, I ever be like them.

“Like, or am I just never going to be like a grownup?”

Um, I think you're always going to be just like you, man.

But I, but I wish I, I wish I wasn't. I wish I, I have all the things I want to get rid of is nice. I want to be, I want to stop being afraid. Like, I don't, I got my afraid of flying. And I, and I, and I, I sometimes it goes away.

Sometimes flights are better, but like, I was thinking of you and John Mayer on the plane. And you, you said you enjoy turbulence. I like flying a lot. I like flying. And I like, like, I was on a plane a couple days ago.

I, I sat in the cockpit with the pilot. And I was like, he was like, you want to, do you want to take over the controls? I didn't even know him. And he was like, I go, yeah, he goes, go ahead. And he just started reading it on his iPad.

And then he was like, hey, hey, hey, like, make sure you, you know, point that way. And keep a set of that. And I was like, alright, cool.

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But I like it, you know, I don't say I like turbulence, but I kind of laugh through some turbulence. I've been in really, really, really bad turbulence that is kind of alarming. Yeah, kind of scary. Yeah, for the most part, like most bumps and stuff. It doesn't bother, but that I think that's just person to person. Like there's certain things that don't bother certain people, you know.

Like I don't want to be like I the with with the booze. I don't really give a fuck about in my life at all. Like I mean, if if when they said you got to stop drinking for six months, trust me. Like the first two days, I was like, these hairs, my parents are in town. It's still like around Christmas, whatever everyone's still here.

They're on a fucking party. So funny that a guy in his 50s, they go, you can't drink. You're like, my parents are in town. They're like, oh, okay. Can I tell you what I was really thinking? They'd given me half of Xanx when I got the blood clots.

And to get to lower my blood pressure,

And I thought to myself, I'm going to have a couple cocktails when I get home. Xanx is going to kick in double. And I'm going to pass out on a sleep at your god. And she was like, you can't drink. And I was like, oh, and I almost said, but I have half of Xanx and me.

This is the best time to drink. Yeah.

And I was angry like the first week.

Now it's like whatever I don't really think about booze.

“I don't think about, I think about Zinn's more than I do booze.”

Or nicotine more than I do booze. And you can't do that. I could if I want to, but there's a girl I follow who's off it for two weeks. I'm silly, and I watch her. That's the hardest thing to kick in the world.

I'm pretty bad, bro. How many are you doing today? I have no idea. And you're rogue, right? Mm-hmm.

No idea. I have three looses. Loosey breakers in my bag for in case of emergency. Like, chick goes down. Because I can't drink.

Like, that's the, you know, I can't. Like, there's no tap out of it. Like, I was hiding an anxiety attack on the bus when I saw the bus. I had an anxiety attack. Random.

Nope. I have no idea where it came from. And I was like, whoa, I like sat up where I'm like, what can't I can't get out of this. And then I was like, what can't I have a drink?

And I can't have a Zinn. And I can't smoke weed. And there's no Xanx on this bus. And I was like, whoa, what am I going to do?

And for a second, I was like, I'll smoke this cigar in my bathroom.

I guess? I was like, I need something to get myself away from it. Do you know what I did? I turned on porn. And I was like, I wonder if I get aroused.

If that'll shut my brain off for the panic. And it did. You watched porn. But I watched porn in the bathroom. No, in my bed, I just turned on porn.

And then I started watching it. And it's so impressive. You know, it's such a, so much bigger than anxiety that I started watching porn. And I went, oh, I'm not, I'm not thinking about my panic right now. I'm thinking about that thing and that girl's pussy as she works behind the door.

The desk of a fucking bodega. It's a one girl. I don't know how she got my algorithm. That's crazy. She was weird nipples, but she masturbated behind this bodega. And so, but I watched it.

And the arousal turned me off.

“Nicotine, I think about, I think about probably twice a day.”

Yeah. I got it. I don't know, dude. I should probably read you. How many of you do in a day?

I really don't know. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know. Like, like. Let's kind of, okay, let's guess right now.

So right now, here at the moment. Are you doing breakers, too? No. You're doing, oh, let me see the nicotine. This is not mine.

Who's this? I don't know, who's just here. Oh, this is empty. Who the fuck was using this? I don't know.

Somebody, it's empty. So it's to something right now. And I've had, I'm trying to think, one, two. You have one when you wake up with coffee. Yeah.

So I have one in the gym. Yes. Okay. So, on. Get in the car.

You put one in. Three. Got here. Sometimes there, like, I don't know if you do that. Sometimes there, you go and put one in.

And then whatever happens. You're like, oh, I've taken it out. No. So I would say today, the salmon like five. Some of them were long.

And some of them were like real quick. Five or six. You know, that's not that bad. Yeah. I used less nicotine when I chewed tobacco.

When I chewed tobacco, I would do. You chew. No, I did. I did all that. I've done all of it.

I did chew was my favorite. Two is, is really great. Dip. I love. But I could feel like dip was the worst for you.

Dipping Copenhagen. I would do two a day. But if one's in. I'm out. I'm out.

I was, I was maybe 10 a day. Yeah. And when by the time I did, when I, when I quit. And here's why I can't start. And I want to start so bad.

I want to start. Because I have nothing to replace it with. When I replace it or replace it with alcohol. Yeah. I was like, I'm just kind of a drink.

Every time I want to send him out of a drink. Yeah. And I have nothing to replace it with. So I don't want to get something in my life. I can't get rid of.

By three Lucy breakers. And they just stay there. Winter green. Do you look at them? On the plane today?

Yeah. I was having a fucking panic on the plane. What's your panic of dying? It's dying. And it's dying.

And now. Like, this plane's going to go down. Yeah. And the air can't have had an accident yesterday. It is.

Yeah. They ran into a fire truck and then pilot the two pilots died on the ground. And LaGuardia. Yeah. No shit.

Yeah. Well. Rip off on the cockpit off. Okay. It's fire truck.

What? But that's the thing about death. Is it just shows up one day? It just shows up.

“And then where's the video is right there at the top?”

What is this? It says new video. Hey, John, yeah.

We're getting our first look at the moment of impact.

Which we, that air can't have a plane and afford authority or truck.

You can see the truck making its way down.

One of the runways. It's a emergency light. Oh. Holy shit. Honestly.

That's moving straight as it begins to turn. The air can't have a plane slams into the truck. And the truck appears to flip several times. That's when the plane looks like it loses control. And we know from seeing folks who said the nose of the plane was completely torn off.

The port authority of New York and New Jersey. The nose of the plane was completely torn off. Which means how does those guys died on impact? How did that happen, dude? Dude.

That happens. You know, I had the last flight I had into LA. We had an aborted landing. Where we went down, touched down, and fucking took off again. And there was a delta flight on the on the tarmac that he just pulled out.

And like we did one of these, right? Touched down. And then what. And dude. Those.

“Here's the thing that I wish they did every now and then is just showed you how much power those”

planes have.

So a lot of times it take off.

And this one gives me anxiety. They get going. Say they like out of 100%. They get they take off at like what? 60, 70, right?

And then they put it at 40 and they fuck around at like 10,000 feet before air traffic control. And that's where all the bumps are. Sorry. That's where all the bumps are. And that's where all the shit's going on.

And that's where I'm having panic. Flying out of T2 bro sucks dick. You sit there forever because there's so much air traffic. And then you go, oh, and then they just casually get up there. All that time.

Dude, when we touched down and took back off. That thing was at 10,000 feet in three seconds. And we were at 25,000 feet in five. I mean, we were like this. And I was like, and I was sitting next to a 95 year old woman who's drinking.

And she grabbed onto the thing was like, and I was like, you're 95. What the fuck are you scared about? Like, this is it for you. This is it. And she was like, I don't want to die either.

Dude, that's that. That feels like that's got to be the fire truck just being like, our lights are on just go and not realizing like, yeah, you're not on the street man. Yeah.

I don't know, but that's right. It's like they just are cruising through a runway like that. That's really nice. How they not know that. By the way, you've landed.

Like anyone who's got a fear of flying the second you land.

You're like, thank God. Yeah. And then that happens. It's like to one. It's like to remember the triple seven air china that was going into San Francisco.

And you're about to touch down. And they just missed the runway by like 100 feet. And clipped it and then everyone fucking died. Yeah. Wow.

“I mean, and here's the thing that sucks about being on blood dinners.”

Yeah. Anything like that happens. And I die instantly. It's like, I can't. I won't caught.

Yeah. I mean, if like, that's why I can't smoke weed or drink. Mostly is because if I fall, I just die. Well, how how. How did Leonard Skinner?

What was that? Was that a bus? The plane was a plane and this, I got the fucking real story. The real story. Yeah.

The, the, the folklore story is so good. What's the folklore story? Folklore story. Folklore story. They're about, uh, they're, they get this, this jet and they're flying over, uh,

uh, Mississippi, Alabama. Mm-hmm. And, uh, it's bad weather. And everyone's freaking out. And Ronnie van's and stands up with a ball of jack Daniel's barefoot.

No shirt on with a vest and his hat on and he goes, they go with us and we're going to, we're going to, we're taking, making an emergency to land and everyone's freaking out. And the weather is, there's lightning everywhere. Ronnie van stands up with a ball of fucking jack Daniel's goes, boys.

If it's your time to go, it's your time to go. Fucking bring her down and he doesn't get seatbelted in and he dies. Everyone else arrives. That's not what happened. He was a sleep on the plane.

Oh. I know. I talked to his brother about it. You did? Yeah.

And then, and then it got really real. See the only one he died? Mm. I think a couple guys broke their back. Love it. I think everyone lived.

Ronnie van's and died. But, uh, what's the other one? Buddy Holly, right? That's a plane crash. Buddy Holly, uh, Moe Haggard was supposed to be on that flight. And, uh, the big bopper had a, had a, uh, had, uh, had a flu.

And he was like, let me fly on the plane so that I can get into hotel room and get better. And Moe, I was at Moe Haggard.

“I think it was Moe Haggard was like, I'll just ride on the bus.”

The bus is AC was out. Or he was out. So it was freezing in the bus. So Moe Haggard got on the bus. He got on the plane.

Dude, life, those little things like that. Like, if we hadn't had the blowout, I would have definitely been a sleep on that bus. And I would have burned two fucking death. But like, those little things like that are crazy. Alia. Alia.

Alia. Too much luggage. Yes. She was like, that's, that's, that's, that's, I mean, that's like. Yeah.

Apparently, too, they were like, telling them. This is too much and they're like, go, yeah. Take off.

Yeah. And might not have even been heard.

“It might have been like, oh, it's the crew.”

I almost guaranteed it wasn't Alia. Yeah. It's what happens for me on the road. Handlers. Handlers go, hey, don't, don't make eye contact with Bert.

Yeah. And then I'm like, who told you that? They're like, that's what they said. And they'll talk to them.

And you're like, I never said that.

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It's like what happened when we shop around? Do you hear about that? Do you who shop around is the woman? Yeah, she's a woman. Singer?

Yeah. What happened with her? The pink pony club, pony pony, pony club. She's that girl? She is...

She's the one who's wearing that crazy dress. The best dress at the Oscar. Right, that one, right? The nipple rings. Yeah.

Apparently, she's notoriously a...

Cool. Like, across the board, she has not been kind to her fans. Okay. And I get it a little bit. I understand you guys a little bit.

Sober, fame is a tad bit rigid. It can be somewhat tedious. Sober. When you're drinking, I know when you complain. Fame is fucking awesome.

You have a blur. It's like someone to Vaseline over your face and just went... Hmm. And then everything's great. Someone comes up to the fucking love you.

Oh, thanks. Let me buy you drink. Okay. Right? Sober.

It can be... Because drunk people come up to you like, "Dude!" And you're like, "Okay." Like, "When you're sober."

“That's why I can understand when you're like, "I'm with my family."”

I never was like that. I get it a little bit. But shop around has been rough to her fans. She's like, "Just because I sing doesn't mean you have access to me." You're not allowed to come up to me and say hi.

You're not allowed to say that you're fan. No, you're place. I'm the artist. You're my fan. This is...

Are you paraphrasing? Well, I think I'm... Go ahead, pull it up. I mean, I'm not... You know, I don't...

I don't like... I'm not a fan of music. It's not made for me, though. But Jude Laws X-Wife. And her new husband, who's the soccer star, right?

He's a footballer. He's been famous for 25 years, 27 years. There... Jude Laws 11-year-old daughter saw Shaperone. Now, I'm leaning towards Jude Laws X-Wife and the husband story

a little more than Shaperone's. Because Shaperone's got damage control to do.

Like, the laziest she could have shot her apology video.

“And by the way, also I have a bad taste of my mouth”

for Shaperone. And that's clear. I don't like that, dude. It's like, give... Get...

You forget what it's like to not be making money and want to do the art. I don't. So when people come up to me as tired and as sober as I may be,

I make sure to give them a minute so that we can have a moment. Because I also do that to famous people. So I understand it. She forgot what it's like.

And so Jude Laws 11-year-old daughter walks by Shaperone. They're eating breakfast. She sees Shaperone. She was, oh my god, it's fucking Shaperone. Now mind you, her dad and her stepfather

are both famous. Very famous. Very, very famous. She just walks by the table to see if it really is her.

And it is. And then she goes back to the table and kind of freaks out in Shaperone. Shaperone's security guard comes up and chastizes her in front of the family.

She says, "What is this backwards?"

You're going to read this.

"What is she say?" Um... It's a competitive girl and said... Scroll down, maybe.

Regardless, the security guard... Chastizes the guard. Chastizes the guard.

“The guard threatened to report them to the hotel.”

Right? He spoke extremely aggressively at the child. It was just a child admiring someone. Yeah. Okay.

And so... Shaperone's apology video is like her laying on her side on a bed. Not really even like taking the time to like sit up and address.

She's like, "That didn't happen." It's like... I... I would never do... She has done that.

She... 100% has done that. Like, not to an 11-year-old but she has done that. It's the reason everyone believes the story.

Yes. Because you did it. That's the reason that like when the Me Too shit happened.

And then you were like, "Oh, I...

That guy's got a reputate." That's the reason. Yeah. Everyone feels that way. She has done that.

And then she's like, "I don't... That's not even my security. Look at this." Something that my security... Oh, my half of the story of what happened today

with a mother and child who... were involved with a security guard who was... My personal security. I didn't even see...

I didn't even see a woman in a child. Like, I did not... No one came up to me. No one bothered me. Like, I was just sitting at breakfast

in my hotel.

“I think these people were saying at the hotel as well.”

The fact that like a security guard who was... I did not ask the security guard to go up and talk to this mother and child.

I did not... They did not call up to me. They weren't doing anything. It's unfair for security to just assume someone...

It doesn't have good... Security is doing that because... I mean, just to be fair, you have a reputation of being upset with me. Maybe, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, like... There's a reason when I get off stage usually someone has a drink waiting for me. But no. Just because I drink.

You should do a video like this. I was just like getting off stage and like this kind of buzz. It's a drink. This guy.

But it's like... It's judo's daughter. So let's not... a mother and a child. It's...

You know... I'm not a fucking idiot. Yeah. You think I'm a fucking idiot? You're a fucking idiot.

You think I don't know that you know it's judo's... The only reason you're dressing this. Yeah, yeah. Is that it's judo's daughter.

The only reason you're bringing this up is judo's daughter was... By the way, it's judo's daughter. She's not... She knows what it's like to get her dad

to get recognized. You know what I mean? Like, she wasn't going to be... Like, if my daughters saw someone they were fit that was famous

and they have... They... They... They definitely recognize people but they don't fucking blow up their spot

and I know judo's daughter probably wouldn't like... It's chappella. Her dad's fucking famous. Her dad's fucking famous. Her dad's fucking famous.

Her dad's fucking famous. I don't know why I'm so fucking packed. You are really passionate. I buy it to his... It's like...

It's like... You know what's chappella on? Just say hi. Or... Or...

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's like... You know... All right, you can take that down.

I just... I don't know. I... Yeah. That's...

Whatever. No one gives a fuck about Shaperone. Okay. I mean, it's... It's a stupid thing.

Our fans aren't like... Tell more about Shaperone, but... I really... I mean... Where's she from?

Here? Uh, Shaper Hill. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

American singer, okay. She's from Missouri. Really? Huh. That was a slave state.

That's on her. Yeah. That's definitely on her. They chose that too. Yeah.

They chose that. That's on her. Fucking push the whole. That's why we have Maine as because of Missouri.

Yeah. Maine wasn't a thing. And they would... They chose slaves.

And then we had to go like...

Well, we... We want one with house slaves. So... Like Massachusetts.

“Can you like break off the top and give us what we'll call it Maine?”

And that's how we have Maine. That sounds like a bird story, but kind of... But you're right. It may be. I don't know.

Can I tell you another thing that I'm really upset about? What? And listen. I don't want to get in the beef with a John Barron Fall. Oh, boy.

I'll drop it. Never mind. You're going to get in beef with him now? But... I would say you started it.

With you? No, with my... with my people? With your people. Yeah. When you're talking about people, you're talking about whites?

No, no. [laughter] He went after Napers. And a lot of people are going after Napers right now. Don't take Naps?

People that don't take Naps. He's... are coming after people that take Naps. He's just like Naps.

Pull up John Barron Fall Napping.

And it's like... It's the way he taught... Look at this. Oh, wow. Look at this.

I don't take Naps. I don't take Naps, man. I don't take Naps. I don't take Naps. I still have time for Naps, man.

That's... that's... that's for the fucking birds. And I just ain't doing a shit. Dude, this motherfucker takes Naps. I don't trust people to take Naps, dude. He just found that out.

He doesn't take Naps, dude. He's growing ass man. No, you're... He did. Yeah, it's like, dude.

Like the whole world's moving while you're in Napping, bro. It's fucking... I can't fuck with a Nap. I just... I just... I just doesn't like Naps. And... and you know, I'm fuck with people to take Naps.

Yeah. So you didn't fuck with me. That's what I heard. I don't fuck with Bert. He takes Naps.

Let me tell you else takes Naps. Are you ready for this? John Barron Fall? LeBron James. Napper.

Usain Bolt. Naps. Roger Federer. Big Napper.

The greatest athletes in the world.

Nap. The Allicator, like greatest athletes in the world. And me. And by the way, I treat my body just like LeBron James. Yeah.

I do all the recovery. I sleep. I'm sleeping roughly 12 hours a day right now. It's amazing. I sleep.

So good. And I NAP. Every day I fucking NAP. I shut it down at like five o'clock every day for one hour. I go to my bunk.

Now I go to my bunk. I would go to my bed in the bus. And I shut it down for one hour. And I perform that night spectacularly. Yeah.

And I achieve big things. But I NAP. And let me tell you something. Pull up. Pull up Napping.

“You want Usain Bolt woke up from a NAP before he set the world record?”

Yeah. He has been Napping 30 minutes before. Can I ask you this? What? Are you sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night at night?

I sleep about 10 hours a night. And then you still have a NAP. And I have an hour NAP every day. Look at this. Bolt famously NAP before his 100 meter Olympic gold medal.

He NAPED. Yeah. He NAPED. He considers sleep the most vital part of his training regimen. John Barrettall is, by the way, very talented actor.

Love everything he does. I think John Barrettall's awesome. Yeah. Except for this NAP bullshit. Yeah.

He's not living to his optimization. Right. In my opinion, because Napping is grateful. Listen to the Churchill NAPs. Dude, fucking have you ever been to the countries?

We're Napping the Cesta? It's called Spain. Spain is the fucking dopest ship alive. Yeah. You go to a country that shuts down.

Yeah. The country. You know what he just said? I don't like Spanish people. That's what I heard.

That's what you heard. I don't like Spanish people. I don't like Mexican. He speaks Spanish. I don't like Spanish.

Well, Salvador Dali Picasso Spaniards NAPED. Winston Churchill, John of Kennedy, Bill Clinton NAPED. Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein NAPED. Roger Federer LeBron, James NAPED. These are all fucking great people.

Yeah. And they all NAPED. And I'm a NAPER. And I cherish my NAPs. I love.

When I don't have a NAP, I get fucked up. I like a NAP reset everything for me. And I NAPED so good, Tom. Yeah. I can fall asleep in a NAP within five minutes.

Today I won't NAP. I won't NAP. By the way, John, sometimes I choose not to NAP. Right. Sometimes I don't NAPED.

Today you probably won't NAPED. But I fell asleep on the plane. How was that? Well, my alarm went up to get up to move for my blood clots. By the way, NAPED got me into this.

That's how you got into that. I fell asleep on a plane. And I got my blood clots. So how often do you have to move? Every 45 minutes.

I have an alarm set on my phone. And you stand up. I have to stand up. Go to the bathroom. I need to 20 squats.

Wow. In the bathroom. I do roughly 100 to 120 squats every flight. But do you NAPED all? It's not like a on the road on the road.

Because look, you got the boys here. You're on the Cheetah Bomba. I think on the road. I still think it's not a daily regiment thing as much as it's like case bike. Like certain days you go.

Yeah. I do take like rest. Right. Like sometimes I don't actually fall asleep. But I'm like, I'm cooked right now.

I just want to go lay down.

“I think I think you've been to the Latin American countries where they institute an app.”

Good. Not it's not even like it's not a debate. The country says we're shutting down. That's really in my experience.

Mexico. Maybe I don't know. Does it do they? Spain is like it's all over now. Spain.

Spain is definitely. Spain. It's NAP. Yeah. Like you can't find something open.

No. From clubs to like five o'clock. And by the way, I was in Spain. Georgia was studying abroad in Spain. And we went over to visitor.

Yeah. Dude. Yeah. When the country tells you to NAP, you're NAP.

I've never NAP better in my life.

Yeah. It's great. I've never NAPed better in my fucking life.

“And I just think I think John Barrenthall is part of the old regime of.”

Get up at three in the morning, work out, sleep two hours a night. Like that old man stuff. Yeah. Like the man stuff of like Mark Wahlberg. You know Mark Wahlberg changed his story.

He started sleeping more. Mark Wahlberg used to be like a wake up before the morning of the day. Yeah. And now he's sleeping like 10 hours a day. The science is changing on sleeping.

God, I've never heard you so passionate about this. Shaperone and sleeping are my two things I'm really up on. Dude. I thought you'd lean and can't NAP. Really?

Is she NAP? She has to have the lights on. I don't. I'm not that great. I have to actually be pretty.

Cooked to get a good NAP. You know, it's not like I can do it daily. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not.

It's not that NAP for me. I want to be before I forget the 5K. The two bears 5K is coming up. May 9th in Los Angeles, Pasadena, to be specific. If you go to two bears 5K.com, you can sign up.

There's going to be thousands of people there. We're going to have wild installations. We'll have an NAP. NAP, please. NAP.

NAP. NAP. Luxury. We're going to have a lot of fun. Food drinks entertainment.

It's always a good time. No matter your fitness level, you can do it. You can walk it. Speaking of which. Where are you at fitness wise?

I feel I was. I ran. I feel not like it's that great, but I keep training for it. Yeah. I ran a nine minute mile the other day.

That's great.

“And so I think I don't know if I can run three of them.”

Yeah. But I think I can break 30 minutes in the 5K. Great. I think I can.

I'm going to do that first one.

I'm going to run run. I'm going to run with the fans. Yeah. No, no, no. Maybe I'll do the second one.

Are you. Are you saying you're going to. Oh, I'm running it twice. But you're going to try to run one of them harder. I was going to run one hard to see what I could get as a time.

Do you? It'll probably be the first one. What am I talking about? Yes, the first one. No, no.

So will you. When you do that. Will you try to just like figure out the pace? Or will you go? I'm just going to run hard until I gas out.

Like how will you. Like figure that out. No. So what I do is I only know this because I did this outside the other day. I ran three miles outside.

I start slow and then just build. So that last mile will be sub 10. The first mile probably be around 10 30. Then middle mile will be 10. And then the last mile will be like nine minutes a mile.

Oh, so you start a little bit.

I'm going to you got to start a little slow.

Okay. And then build.

“I don't go like if you go sub 10 for the whole thing.”

Try to. Yeah. Well, what I do is I go for that. I did that on the half marathon. I did the last six miles sub.

Sub 10. And got a much better time. But like the last six miles I did sub 10. Six fucking miles sub 10. So start not at your best.

No, start and feel good. You give so much energy. And like, you know, you know, when you start those. You have so much like an anxious energy. Yeah, that you you really start running faster than you think.

Well, I've when that thing starts by the way. It's for me. I feel like I'm running scared. Like I feel my heart taken off like that nervous to start that thing. So nervous.

Yeah. I get scared running it. Do you think we'll get shocked around it? Because I'm doing a show with shock. That we, I started to sold out.

But that week, me and Shakira doing a show. Do you think you can get him do it? Huh. Run it. Oh, maybe not run.

He takes five steps. He's done. That's true. Do you want to tell him that? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Do you smell it? No. Yeah.

Am I supposed to get off this mungioro stuff? I don't know. I don't know. How long you been on it? I don't know.

This is November. What do you weigh now? I have no idea. Stop weighing myself. I just measure myself.

How do the measurements? Smaller than I've ever been. Really? Yeah. Smaller than I've ever been.

Not as strong as I've ever been. Yeah. But pretty strong still. What's your waist down to? Just 40 inches.

I wear a size 36. Yeah. But 40 actual inches. Right. Right.

But you weren't a 36, six months ago. No. What kind of pants were you wearing then? I was a little bigger. Much bigger.

How big? You're not there anymore. Who cares? I've been the 40. It's a wide range.

They can't. None of my belts fit. I have one belt. None of my, well, luckily all my clothes burned. So I need new clothes.

Like another way jeans fit. Wait. So where are we with the bus? Are you getting another bus? I have five buses that they offered me.

That I can rent for two months. If I wanted to buy a bus. But no one's going to make the bus. I made. I understand.

“And so you won't pre-order or you won't order another bus?”

Make another bus. It took too long to make. And how long do you want to do this for? He believes she said that to me. I mean, it's a reasonable point I guess.

How much longer are you going to do this for? I don't know. Do you think you'll go back out on tour? Yeah. Not now, like when?

I have nothing. I know. I'm getting out of stage tomorrow for the first time. For real? Yeah.

What are you talking about? I don't know. Chat GPT. I don't know. I boys.

You're going to stage tomorrow for the first time? Mm-hmm. Like the mothership? Yeah. I got to go to fucking San Francisco.

I would love to stick around. I won't be good, but you got to break the ice, right? Dude, how do you start over when it's time to start over? So there's one story I know.

There's always one story I know.

This is going to be a great story. I got to figure out how to tell this. As a news story. As a news story. And so I go, I just got to start working on it.

What I love doing is not doing like crowdwork that you see online, where people yell shit out to. Yeah. But really talking to the audience. Yeah.

“And that bottom of the barrel thing is really...”

That's what I'm doing. Oh, so great. Yeah. That is the best show. I wish I had one in LA.

I do it every single night. Yeah. I went to Joe's Club when I first started with material. I just went up. And then I had some stuff left over.

It was always a couple left over. I have one left over that I was like my starter to get me into places. Yeah. And then... But right now I'm at the place where I have...

I have too much, but I have like an hour 45. And... I'm starting to tell which ones are weak. Yeah. Like I had this great story about me and you when we went to that strip club.

And then... But it's a weak story. It's not that great. But it killed because you're in it. I had a bunch of you.

I always have stuff with you.

I had this great fucking one with you that was... Are you doing an hour 45 every night? Yeah, about... Oh my god. I know.

I have a stop. Yeah, you got it. I do at least an hour 30. But that's also with the machine. Yeah.

I have a theory about this though. I do too.

“And I think that a crowd of rather sweet 50 minutes.”

I think a... If you can do tight 60, like it's tight. A tight 60. It's always better than a 90 minute show. For the headliner.

I have a new bit that is... So good. Do you know when the best bits are where you... Something happens. And you don't know if you're going to be allowed to talk about it on stage.

Is this... Does it have to do with numbers? Yes. Okay. I was like, "What is this, dude?"

You're going to have to tell me this. Oh, good. We can do it. It is. So good.

And you just figured it out. I... I went up. What had happened? Well, now it's a bad story for a podcast.

Like, here's the thing. We're not going to really tell you. You can't find it. You don't do that. I don't.

I can't. Well, that's the thing I've learned is that people don't like... If you do a bit here, they don't like it on the special. Guys, that's how it works. Sometimes.

That's a crazy thing. So I heard you talk about it. Like, no shit. I had to break... I had two great stories about Nathias texting me.

And that boy at NASCAR. That was... I can't take a picture with you. Yeah. Two great stories I told on a podcast.

That murder on stage. Yeah. And every fucking time I see one dude... One dude in the front row, though. I know this.

I know this. Yeah. Oh, bro.

And I'm always like, dude, give me...

I'm doing it out of 45. It's still fucking murderous. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I have one bit that is that I...

Leanne just said to me, "Are you doing that?" And I went... I was like, "I am." And she was like, "I knew it. I knew it."

And then that bit is murdering. I have the greatest... At any time I have... I have so many fucking stories about you. Right?

I have so many stories about you. But I get... I'm getting rid of all of them because it's kind of a cheat code. I think. Like if I bring your name up, they go fucking nuts. And so then...

And then if... And then you're a character they know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like... They can kind of put it together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But... Yeah, I have too much material. And right now I'm going to try to skin it up. I don't have anything good about the girls.

I don't live with this anymore. So like, I used to... I used to have... I used to have... I used to have columns I just fill, you know?

Like stuff about the girls stuff about Leanne, a sex thing. Black guys... And right now it's just black guys. Yeah, yeah. Like we were thinking about call my special black guys.

Black guys is a great name for a special.

I taught my... Boys had a play Blackjack. And so they're both fucking obsessed. And they downloaded Blackjack. Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm playing then.

And always comes to me when he's like, "Check it out."

He's like, "I won 25 million last night." I was like, "You're my guy, dude." I was like, "How much are you betting?" He's like 350 to 500,000 a hand. (laughs)

I was like, "I'm gonna have a real fucking problem with you soon." Yeah, they're into it, dude. I wanted to see them while I was here. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah.

I have Tom. This is how much stuff I have about black guys. Even when I don't have a joke about black guys, black guys are in it. Really? He just...

They're getting into every joke. Yeah. I mean, yeah. But I'm excited for you to do it. So you think you'll go back on on tour?

I don't think like this year, no.

“I think next year, I would do it at some point, yeah.”

I just said, "Are you guys reasonable?" Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just said to my agents, because I'm getting ready for my specials. So I said, "You know?"

And I was so stressed. You just doing? Yeah, yeah.

I didn't have to go to yours.

Okay. Okay. I said, "I don't want to keep doing arenas." I wanted to do two shows in a night. So I wanted to do theaters.

And then I did... Great. We'll line up some theaters. Like the Beacons coming up in April. And then...

And I did two theaters. They said, "The Sangha Theater in Pensacola." Like two shows. And I was like, "Fuck theaters." Two shows in a night.

I forgot. It's terrible. That is so aggressive. You get so much better. But it is...

As it was a one in arena. I did one in... I did... This whole weekend was all arenas. And it's like...

Amazing. So you get so much energy. You go out. You hear like, "Fuck in 10,000 people cheering for you." And you're like, "Yeah."

Then you're like, "Well, let's fuck and kill this." And then you murder.

“And then you're like, "That's what I'm talking about."”

And then you come our stage. You're fucking pumped. You're doing me and greet. You're getting the bus." Oh.

And then now I'm doing... Next this fall. You'll be a lot more intimate shows. It's the... It's the doubles that...

Where are you at? The doubles are going to wear me out. And then, you know... Before we go, um... Obviously again, two bears five k's coming up.

Um... Do you want to make a statement about the Epstein files? Uh... Yes. Yes, I guess so.

No, I don't know. Okay. It's going to get clipped out. It's going to get clipped out. I actually regret ever talking on a podcast ever.

I am... I am a spam ad in Jeffrey Epstein's... Email list. A spam ad for my show. March 21st to 23rd.

Oh, I wasn't doing Sundays. Nice. We were doing well then. Uh... Wait.

When was... That had to be 2016. 2017. That's probably... That makes sense.

What was Jeffrey Epstein? Was he in prison already? I don't think so. I mean, you would know. But when was Jeffrey Epstein in prison?

The couple years later, I think. Because I... I said to someone... I was like... I said to Ian Finance.

I was like... I don't even know who Jeffrey Epstein was until he killed himself. 19. He was arrested for federal sex trafficking. So this is right before he got arrested.

I was in his spam email. That is it. In Jeffrey Epstein's spam email. Me. Bob Sagitt.

Fluffy. Yeah. All of us. You were already doing theaters.

“That's why he didn't have a fucking thing with you.”

Yeah. He would love to you. Think so? Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Yeah. You get on the private jet and I'd afraid of turbulence. He's like, "Go sit on Tom's lap." He'd have afraid of turbulence. And then you got some fucking chorubic 15-year-old on your lap.

Just getting your dick hard the way you like it. There's that guy again. Saying that stuff. Hold on. I saw a video today.

Yeah. Two guys. I don't know who they are. And they are honestly saying that Garth Brooks is a serial killer. Oh, I've seen a bunch of them.

And they're like, I mean, the proof is out. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, I mean, honestly, once you go, they're not comedians. They're true crime people. You know like I wrote a book, right?

There's a book. It's insane. Pull up the book. Somebody wrote a fucking book about it. A real book about him.

And that holds, yeah. This is an actual, a serious examination into the allegations. I think that's who I saw. May it, may it be. That's, I think that's who I saw.

They were on a fucking podcast talking about it going. I mean, it started with Tom Suguro, but it's gotten so much deeper. Yeah.

And we definitely, by the way, I've never empathized with Garth Brooks more in my entire life.

I am not in the Jeffrey Epstein files. Well, I'm not. You are in the files. No, no, no, no.

I, Garth, I love you.

“Go to the Department of Justice website and type in bird's name.”

Type in Tom's name.

I'm sure he's in there somehow.

I'm not. Can someone do a fake thing? Yeah, this is a spam ad. I'm at the West Palm Improds March 21st in 23rd of 2017. Right before he got popped.

By the way, thank God. He didn't come to my show. That would have been fucking something. Because you would have been, I would have gotten a shortness picture. It's the best thing.

This guy's super rich. He lives here in Palm Beach. He would be like, "Hey, let's go to your house." He was like, "You know what I'm going to say?" He was like, "Fuck you.

I love massages." God. That was, Bob said it was the week before he went to that one. Oh, you dodged this one.

Fluffy made a legit statement.

It's so fine. A legit statement. I think about this. About this.

“He was like, Jeffrey Epstein was trying to get into one of Fluffy's shows.”

But they were sold out. And then he was like, "What about Thursday?" And then they're like, "Sold out." And then they're like, "What about Friday?" And he's like, "Sold out."

It's Fluffy. He's like, "It tells us how every show he ever does." Yeah. It sold out. Him and Joe quit.

It's so fine. And he was like, "Yes, I am in the Epstein files." And you can hear 70,000 people go, "Where the fuck is this going?" And he was like, "He was trying to get tickets to my show.

You gotta let him do it."

It's pretty serious until he makes a joke. In the Jeffrey Epstein files. 70,000. 14. There was a comedy club called the improv.

The improv is a chain all over the country. And they had one of their clubs there in West Palm Beach. Me too.

“I would perform there three to four times a year.”

The emo rings from Jeffrey Epstein to his assistant. It says, "I need six tickets." He really blessed you to show it in a club. The assistant replies. The show was sold out.

He replies, "What about the next one?" She replies, "It's sold out too." That's it. Okay. That is it.

That is it. That is it. That is it. Yeah. Because I know you guys got nervous.

You're like, "I've got smoke for the only touch donuts." There's a joke to this, by the way. I just think it's crazy. The Jeffrey Epstein. One of the most violent human beings to ever want the face of the earth.

Had the ability to connect with politicians, with influencers, with celebrities. He put people in very compromising positions. He got people on plans. He put people on islands. He was involved in trafficking.

He was able to accomplish all these evil, crazy things. But at the end of the day, he still couldn't get tickets to see him. Can I tell you my one, my one takeaway from that? Yeah. I'm gonna, like, I, you know I love fluffy.

Yeah. But every time a Latino guy announces their name correctly, it makes me want to go start going birth. Haisa! You definitely should.

Haisa! That'd be good for you. It was Gabriela Glensia. Gabriela Glensia. The way he says it, it comes from out of nowhere.

Like he's like, he's like, I'm fluffy. I'm talking like this. I'm talking like this. And then he goes, "Gabriela Glensia!" He's remembering how his mom said it.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna go. Bath, Haisa! [laughs]

Bath, Haisa! Yeah. I'm babas, please! Haisa! The way garbles would have said it.

Yeah. All right. Well, I got a secret for you. Oh, boy. It's about Nazis.

[laughs] Okay. Well, thanks for watching and listening. It's great to have you in town, buddy. Yes, we are too bears.

My name is... But Haisa! And this is Dom Seurat. We will see you next time. See you bears one key.