The End Is Here w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple of things, eating pussy and drinking vodka.

I'll bring my wife and if you want, I'm pretty good at the first one too, but this is better than pussy.

This is the best vodka you're ever going to have. It's clean. I sleep court. My sleep scores do the roof because of it. It tastes clean.

Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell 'em. It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process, and listen, we are winning competitions.

“We have gold medals in various competitions, and honestly, you the people are the ones telling”

us how great it is, too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here, we're telling you because you're telling us, this is now your favorite vodka. So thank you, and if you haven't tried Porosos, get out to the store. If you don't, if they don't carry it, tell 'em you wanted to carry it.

Tell 'em a question. When you go to the bar, you say, "Hey, do you carry Porosos?" If they say no, go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome. And then walk out.

You know what I do? I go to carry Porosos, and they say, "No, I bring out a bottle, and give it to 'em. I go, "Now you do." I go, "No, you do." I go, "I give it to them.

I go, "Now you do." I go, "I give it to them." I go, "I give it to them." Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave, we're here in Austin, Texas, and joining us is somebody who wants to erase the people of Palestine.

Give it up for "Are you sure for everybody?" Thank you. Please, I think it's already accomplished. Let's say Stephen King walked around a book. Let's say this real quick, because we want to, we, we want to, we, there's a lot to cover today.

But your storytelling show that was once famously on a network that once thrived. I'm glad that crazy, the company said it was just crazy. It's crazy too. Nobody knows the company says it too, nobody knows what a network is. I know.

Yeah.

“But what do you think of somebody when they're like, "Do you see that new ABC show?"”

And you're like, "What? What? What? It's crazy." It's crazy.

We have colleagues that, like, go, be like, "I just booked a pilot and you're like, "Oh, I'll book it." Really? And CBS. Oh.

So, you brought it back, it's called The End. We brought it back. That we did. It's called The End. We hear it while I'm age-produced it, and I have to say, "I've said this before,

"the lineup that you were able to procure for this is crazy." It's crazy. It's pretty crazy, dude. It's pretty crazy. You got Nate Bargazzi, you got the Stefano Gillis, Jordan Jensen.

It's a long list. J.O.Cerson, Alis Cedique, Miss Pat, on and on, and now it's out. It's out. It's out. It's out.

It's out. It's out. It's out. It's for 20. Guys, you're sure what if you've saved an episode today's video.

You can buy individual episodes, you can buy the whole season, but every comedian participates in the back end. Oh, yeah, they all get to pay. They all get to pay. Everybody gets to pay.

New the first person to pay us on when you do a podcast, you be like, "Oh, here's like 200 bucks." And it's crazy. You're at risk. Your people's reputation is not a choice. It's not a choice.

You're at risk. It's an ill battle. It is.

I always thought you'd be like, "You were on my show, give me a dollar."

But you actually... I don't know if you realize how offensive that impression of me is. Because I have a deep voice. But it is. I'll say this, man.

It came out fantastic. It came out so great. It's the concept that you came up with. It was always so fun to do live. Yeah.

And then... We all did the YouTube version and... One fun times. And the Comedy Central version. But this is the final...

And form of this. The final one. I was just remembering just right now is when we were shooting the like early, early stuff on YouTube, this is not happening. Yeah.

And we were doing some run around scene and then I had to like pull my pants down to my boxers. Yeah. And then you go... And then there's all these extras in the front row that strip club.

And you were like, "All right, one more time, one last time." And then you were just like, "Dick out this time." Right? And I was like, "Oh, yeah." Yeah.

Of course. And that was my production card for all that time. And those balls. You have those crazy big balls. Yeah.

Yeah. Did that like... Did you know you had... The extra big balls like in high school? Yeah.

It reminds me of a sort of book Rogers where some guy from another planet goes, "Am I planning on a weekling?" And he'd been a metal rod. Yeah. That's how...

That's how people were all big balls. Yeah.

Jews were the first big dick people.

It's a slur. It's a slur. It's they do that to the oppressed. They say they have big dicks. And it's supposed to...

It was like, that's like the first thing. Backfires.

“I think it backfire and I think people wanted big dicks.”

But I think maybe back in the days, they were like, "Why a lot of workshriding to do." Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

It's negative for a year. That's true. I think having a... I think having a big dick is the most feminist thing you can do. Why is that?

Well, like every guy, like it's toxic masculinity, brag about, "Oh, I've got a big dick.

Why do you want a big dick?

Right. What would the reason be to have a big dick? So, I know a guy named Doug, who... I met him. No, to hurt them with their penis.

Please them. No, no, no. No, no, no. But your dick can be too big. Sure.

And there was a guy, Doug, who was dating this girl that I knew in Tampa. And I went out to LA. He was so cool. He was really fucking cool. Like he said to me, I just met him and he goes, "Do you want to go to a clippers game?"

And I went, "Yeah." And we went. And he drove and drank. And he was awesome. And then he said, "I love that guy."

And then he, and then he, and then I said, "I love that guy." And the girl was like, "I do too, his dick's too big. I don't enjoy sexual them." And you're like, "Oh, fuck." Can you imagine having that?

Where you gotta end up looking at a manatee just to have your dick fit. So, I don't know. You ever see those girls who, like, that you'd be walking into a Walmart. And they're like, "Seven too." And they're all crazy until you see the cars.

And she's like, "What's up plus so much ladies?" They look good from far away. And then they're close to your guy. Like, "Oh, you're way close to the car."

“I mean, what do you think is like, what do you think is tall or big for a woman?”

And then when you go, "That's freaky, that's too much." "Too tall." I'll tell you this. Number five four is like gross. That's gross.

That's gross. That'd be the freak. I dated a girl five ten. Yeah. And I'm six foot.

I felt like I was fucking a dude. That's cool. Yeah. Like, it was like, you could like, like, land smaller. I can, like, man-handler.

Uh-huh. Like, you want to fucking throw something around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Every now and then you want to feel like you're jerking off in someone. You know? Like, you do like. I remember I, uh, I dated a girl who was five ten, five eleven.

I didn't really think like, "Oh my god, this is crazy." But then I met a team USA volleyball player who was six four. And I was just like, "This is, fuck it." And she was, she was pretty. Right.

She was really pretty. But she was four. You dated her? No, no, no, no. I met her.

All right. Now it's like that story. I got a phone call one day. I wanted to make this thing. It's a way for other comics to show themselves.

Oh, that's right. You're not hosting your own show. They did them dirty.

“Are you a cigar and a way to put it up somewhere else?”

You thought about bringing it back all the time. I need urine. Tom's hell. You guys ready for this? You guys ready for this?

Wow. Okay. It's a fucking crazy night we're going to have here. Shit's about to go down. No.

We're going to talk Paul. Storytelling show. It's on true story. Words are word would happen. My favorite.

We've dealt with the story. My story is a love story.

It's about my first piece of fantasy.

About Paul. Got arrested. Shitting your pants. What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck is going on? That's my story. All things about it just like it's funny. Shucks. Listen to me.

Hey, slow. Don't get it. Don't get it. Don't get it. Don't get it.

Don't get it. Don't get it. Don't get it. I'll give you everything I have in my wallet. Who are you?

Give me. Oh, man. It would have been the all-time best story to tell on this show. When it comes to running a business, you've got to be able to meet the demands as it grows. Ships station.

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You were. We had a crazy story in and of itself, which I wish I wish it was. And you made efforts to drive multiple trips to New York to try to research or fluently York a couple of times to make it happen and it didn't happen. Did you not being on there was the biggest, there's a couple of failures.

It would be bringing back my show and that's one of them. Diaz was having a major knee surgery that day of the shoot and that she didn't patent

The three of you not being there, killed me.

“What did you, were you as surprised as I was at Tracy Morgan?”

Yeah. I mean, it was like... Well, if you guys tell people now, because you just... It was one of the coolest experiences. I was one of the craziest wildest experiences I've ever met.

There's a story. We're not going to that involves Tracy Morgan. That's what I said. You got to set up that like, you were going to tell a story involving him. That's why we're saying...

Right. The story about Tracy Morgan. Yeah. I now have the permission to, I mean, flat out said, you have my permission to tell that story.

Yeah. That's what I was hoping you would do. But it was funny his recollection of it of the night we met.

I had to always... I mean, you got to admit, this is like the weirdest part.

As I've always told the story, he pulled out a record. He joined looking at a cat turd and he hit it and he handed it to me. And I hit it. And I was like, your weed tastes like shit, and he just goes, "A smoke blunts." What?

What? He was our smoke blunts. I don't smoke joy. He was our smoke blunts. And it dawned on me.

I had never had a blunt before.

“And that was the confusion where he gave me a blunt for the first time in my life.”

I was 24-5 years old and I hit a blunt and I never hit a blunt and I was like, "This tastes different." Oh, you never smoked charm before, fucking with me and then he started laughing. He was like recollecting, he was recollecting his side of the story, which was so fucking fascinating.

He was like, "Yeah, it was off-handed joke. I didn't know you were that much of a weakling for me." Yeah. And then he was like, "Well, you really only hung out with white people at FSU, then." Yeah.

'Cause I smoked so many blunts, and it was a small school in North Carolina. But also we were like, "What are the black guys doing?" We should do that. Of course. Of course.

Of course. I've got done that day. I was such a cool experience. Tracy Morgan is like, "Mean them." Do we were John's cloud nine?

We got done. He was like, "Furt. Oh, man. It's for sitting there with them." I'll see you try to hook it up, just like, "Let's bring you guys together."

Let's step it back. Let's step it back. I get it. So, Ari says, "Will you tell your Tracy Morgan story?"

“And I said, "The only way I'll tell is, tell it."”

I was just asking, "Are you just killed a Nat and ate it?" Sorry, I didn't mean to just do that. Ari said, "I said to Ari, I said the only way I'll tell." I've gotten so much shit on the internet for the Tracy Morgan.

Yeah, because people were like, Tracy said that never happened.

And I was like, "Whatever. I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going to fight it. Whatever Tracy wants to say is what Tracy wants to say." Yeah.

And then Ari's like, "What if we can get Tracy to tell it with you?" I was like, "I don't know how we can do that." And so, I think you got in touch with Frosty. I was just like, "I'm not in the industry." I was even invited to Ditties after parties.

I'm like, "I'm not. I don't know. I'm most like frosty. Can you help?" It's like a frosty called me.

And then one morning I'm laying in bed. And I get a face time from Tracy Morgan. And he's like, "Oh, you have a story about me." And I was like, "And I sat up in bed." And I was like, "Yeah.

I do. Tracy, I'm a huge fan. I got to tell you man. I'm like, "I'm like backtracking going like he's like, "I like to hear that story.

"You fly to New York." And I was like, "Yeah." And he goes, "All right." Frosty says, "You're a good guy. "Let's do this."

So then I call Ari and me, like, "I'm flying in New York." And we're meeting with Tracy and Maro. And we fly in and frosty's like, "Let's meet." Yeah.

And so we go to CAA. Isn't he a wrestler building? So you're already like, this is cool. You feel like you're a mover and a shaker. Yeah.

And the second, and we, and Frosty got a Chick-fil-A.

Like, and not just a little Chick-fil-A. Like, no music. Like, let me put it this guy up. And he likes. Yeah.

And Ari and our nervous. And the second, Tracy walks in, he's like, "We're going to do a movie together." Like, he just can't. No, no, no. Yeah.

Yeah. I know, but like, that's, you're misinformed. That's not it at all. Yeah. So then we sit down and we're going to do this film.

Yeah. And I'm just like, "Oh, God." So we sit in the conference room. And I start telling the story. I said, "I gotta tell you about the first time I met you."

I said, "You know, it was a young comic I worked through. I was a good friend of mine. I was a young comic one." I was a, I was, I loved Tony Woods. I loved Tony Woods.

Tony Woods, my brother. Like, he's just, he added so much to it. That, like, as we're listening, Ari and our watching this, it's almost mad. And then you come walking out of the street and goes,

"It was 1999. I just got an old son in the lab. I won't need the famous chef but I could get in trouble."

Page six got me a madamex.

And that's why we went to it. And you're like, "That's the lot." Yeah.

“Like, we went to Madamex because that was my spot.”

And maybe it's just like, and if he's eating, as he's telling, and he'll like-- And he'll like-- And we are an Ari and I are on the edge. And Ari's punching up my store, like,

like, like, adding in.

And then, you know, what's great about this.

And then, and then, and we just go back in the story. I was like, Tony introduced us. And then, me and you go around the corner and we hit a bun. And he was like, "Oh, we had a joint. He goes, "Oh, I spoke blood."

Just, but he's eating. Yeah. And he's so Tracy. And then he just pivot.

And he'd start telling another story.

“About something else about his fourth season or an SNL,”

about some other thing. And you're like, "God, we go back." I had the thing you put your feet in. And the plastic goes around your shoes. You don't have to mess my mouth up.

Like, I mean, it's like-- I mean, it is. So we're sitting there like this. Slippers. We really, really are young comics all over again.

Yeah. We are young comics. And this whole time, by the way, he is 100% convinced that I am birth agent. Oh, yeah.

100%. I didn't have the beard. I was dressed. Maybe a polo shirt. The way he referred to me was so, like,

it was so clearly. He was like, "He's the Jew." Yeah, he's the top. You got your lawyer. Yeah.

I remember one point he goes. He said something about where did you do? I was just somewhere where were you and I was like, uh, yeah, it was like, it was impressed. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, uh, the state farm arena or whatever we went. Oh, okay. And it was on the road because yeah, I was in, I was in, where is that? I was in the city first because we're, we're, I was in Philadelphia and he goes where and I was like the potential center, whatever it's called. Yeah, well, as far as far go. And he was, well, far go. I said, yeah, I had, uh, DJ J. J. Jeff come out and help me out. It was all, I mean, you could see looks across and he's like, okay.

Okay. And so then, and as we're telling the story, he's just chiming in, chiming in and I get to the end and he says, that's how you get out of pain and check. I'm like, oh, my God. We're like, this is exactly how we want to do it. Yeah, I mean, I'm in university. It looks like me goes, you had permission to tell that story from now on. That's your story. And I was like, great. And then I'm like, great. And then he goes, you think, I go, but we would like you to tell it. And he goes, all right. Let's do it. Frosty set it up.

“And so we're like, great. And we're like, awesome. Me and him go to a bar. I don't think you were drinking one of my, I think you were doing a so burst it. Oh, maybe.”

And we went to a bar and I just had a drink. I was bubbling because I have this story. Yeah, I might have no tourists. People think I made up. Yeah, everyone thinks I made up. Did now I have the guy who you did it with. So I was like, cooperating, me and Ari and him are, he's cooperating and telling me he were like, we went to this bar. And he's like, mad. I'm like, yeah, that's the one. And he starts. I want there all the time. I know those ladies. I was on page six. Yeah. And so we get done the story and I'm like, this is amazing. This is going to be great because, you know, I've always wanted to say I didn't make that story up, but at the same time, it doesn't matter. It's like, I never wanted to bother Tracy. If he didn't want that story told, I wasn't going to tell it.

And I was like, this is great. And then frosty calls and I think maybe his other agent called one of his other agents like Tracy can't do it. He's he's he's because it was beautiful in the room. Yeah, yeah, but I don't think Tracy was like, what were we going to do on stage? Like, and I was on my side. I'm just going to do that same to you. Just did and then they were like, yeah, Tracy's busy. He's got a new show coming out. We know we got a lot of stuff going on. And I was like, so deflated. And then Ari's like, just.

Just you tell it, but I was like, I'm going to be in the same boat. I've always been with that story. Yeah, we're going to have to feed the agent on Tracy. Yeah, Tracy said, you could tell that. And then people just be like, can't believe he's telling that fucking story. Right, right. Never happened. That sucks. Because that would have been awesome. It would have been. I wish you were not doing it now. I see him very soon. No, because the way like what you're saying though, with Tracy being there and being like, that would have been very cool. That would have been very cool. I could have done it with such little.

Tracy effort. If he had just come up and just gone, because your impression would just be like, hey, you do this part. Tracy. Yeah. Yeah, he would also he would have just he would have done the same thing. But he didn't in that thing. He would have been. You'd been like, right. So then we went to that bar. Do you remember? And then he would have been like, you remember one 25th when I used to go to the place with the chicken thing. And you've been like, wait, we're talking about this story. Right. He was with a total.

And we just said it. That was part was there are parts of that. So like in every story, I tell those parts that are just so true that they don't really work, but I hold on to them because they're true. Yeah. And I said to him, I said to him, you know, and then I watched you go on stage and you had this observational material and you were like, all right, all right. Who members think of fucking by the handball courts and he smiled and he goes, I will push me pop that bitch and he goes into the bit that I watched him do 25 years ago. And I'm like, I've been saying that anytime I told that story to friends, I've been telling that.

You could suck up with the lights or he was, I do. He's, but it was so fucking magical that I was bubbling. When thinning starts, it's not just your hair that takes a hit.

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This was one of those things where I called the animals like this is huge this is huge this is bigger than a movie this is it'll go viral. It's and I was like you know I was so excited and then when and I understand Tracy backing out and understand him going like I don't you know he didn't know what he was going to do on stage with me and I'm very well versed in the story and Tracy just standing. Yeah he was so fucking so far as I can be a film the room would have been just you could just aired that yeah and by the way he must have had fucking three breakfast sandwiches just kept going he kept eating and he was like oh yeah it's like I'll get me started.

“Do you know what I did do you remember do you remember that clip we saw him a long time ago when he was talking about being on the football team and his coach yelling at him.”

Donnell donnell you're not on floaty. Yes. Yes. Remember the Doug Floody part. Yes immediately went into it really and it was like you put pads all so bad. Dude he is we know there's a phrase that bothers me online and I think mostly because no one ever says it about me but they're like protect this man at all costs they do it like Michael J. Fox or Rick. Yeah, yeah and they do they do it to like females all the time for a Natasha Leon he got pulled off a plane. She was really not sure whatever protect this woman at all costs it's a thing.

Yeah, I bought this mix of it in it in in it's it suggests the person's weak and they can't protect themselves and I'm like it's a fucking weird thing do that guy. He's he's he's a national treasure like comedy wise so unique. Yeah, the most unique voice give you listen to that out he put out some album while ago.

He's like you know when you come home at three in the morning and you've you've got a step over motherfucker passed out and you're like Kevin you got shit all over yourself.

“You're like what is going like you because you know just how he's actually remember that makes sense to him like he's telling stuff that you're like your mind is so unique his delivery also he can make reading a menu.”

Yeah, you know he can he can do something like he was like the stand was your property is like look to keep on the side. Who's how old how old are you this is like 23 and he was like damn I bet you piss hard. The best the best Tracy Morgan story I ever heard was I've heard a bunch of them like sick. Yeah, the secular story is unreal it's unbelievable it's unbelievable it's unbelievable. You could do a Tracy Morgan episode I had the guys see I know I see him the guys that I see him and the first time that story got out.

The guys that I see him were like yo we tried to sign him and I was like really and they're like yeah and he told us he wanted to do a general meeting on a Saturday afternoon and a David Busters. And I was like really they go they go we got there and he threw his birthday party for his kid with all his kids friends and we pay for it. No that's unreal that's unreal. Crazy Morgan was like yeah, David Busters 11 a.m.

Wow, they just changed the name of Tracy Morgan Stern that's so incredible you got you have to do on a you have to hear Ryan story like fully I haven't heard it.

It's oh my god it's I don't want to like but he basically met him on a like kind of like birthday and had his own adventure with him that like was completely unprompted and unplanned and and it was it's wild. We're gonna get another one of those yeah because he shows perfect time cameras.

“Yeah cameras you can't ever be I mean you'll never get another stand out cameras cameras.”

I met him at oddball that's where I met Tracy the oddball thing like 10 years ago. And you know you go to every night it was a different amphitheater backstage and I'm walking I get dropped off like the car service would pick you up drop you off and you're walking that back. You're walking that backstage you're and I see a white massive rolls Royce. And I'm like what kind of like this fucking rolls and then I see Tracy and he's in all white with a massive dukey chain and a medallion like this. What's up dude I was like this year rolls he's like yeah you want to check this shit out and I was like yeah and he had a chauffeur like a guy in a fucking suit driving and he's like I just got this shit.

This how I roll you know I was like yeah this is fucking amazing not to not to not to take away from what Mark and Sam doing morning television right. Yeah like they're they're really great like they're moving in that guy's butt paid the past.

Tracy Morgan paid that path.

Oh, of morning yeah decent dad the Chicago one. Horus Grant Holla like that one. That's my mating call. I'm getting some of pregnant tonight.

“Yeah by the way that's there's no one will no one will ever appreciate that.”

Yeah only because I'm one is again. I've done it too. I've taken my shirt off on radio on morning, gotten into the understores, whatever. What we're all doing Tracy. Tracy.

I mean that when he did that there was no frame that was when you were like yo. You know this Chicago one is just it's unbelievable. You know I got it's a pregnant up in here. Yeah he's like late. Look at this.

Can we hear it? Yeah. Enjoy the Chicago summer. Yeah. Good early morning guy Tracy.

There you go. Good morning guy. This is what it is. How you get this big in the sexy. I hope all of us now watch it tonight.

What are you talking about? Open. I see me. I can't. I can't.

I can't. I can't. It's so serious. He's not laughing. No.

He's like. And look at this guy in the far left's like the fuck's going on. He doesn't. How old is Tracy? Can you find out how old is he?

He looks in his like he's got to be 32. Yeah. Yeah. 18 years ago. 18 years ago.

Tape as is, and you got to start Jones all of your very self. I like the start of the skinny stop, but the

legs are always good. That's a big stop. That was a huge, big stop. You got it? Yeah. You did a great

you dieted. Sorry, you got, well you know come on, you get it. It's a little bit much this time I'm just trying to get the word, you can't see the questions. Just try his bit more. [LAUGHTER]

“Man, why don't you go to TV just get the fucking bread?”

Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I'm just going to get bread. [LAUGHTER] You're so hot on that scene.

Yeah? No. I'm having a fail with all. Hey. I should name again.

[LAUGHTER] I'm going about the show. I'm going about the show. [LAUGHTER] I love you.

[LAUGHTER] [INAUDIBLE] [INAUDIBLE] It's like-- Loveable.

He's pulling from like-- If he's pulling lines from a novel. Like, all along, I think he lays on the table. It's chasing Morgan black norm. Oh.

Does any end up laying on this table? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

“Go back back to the beginning of the home.”

Let's see what column there. [LAUGHTER] Show on a clip. Show on a clip. Show on a clip.

[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Guys, we're the women love you, Tracy. [LAUGHTER] This is my impression of a pregnant woman.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, this is going to be dubbed like a million times

on the internet. We're going to be the two more heads in behind of God. I don't know what. We don't know what he did. [LAUGHTER]

You can't imagine too much. We're going to do that. We're going to be at the end of the show. We're going to be at the end of the show. We're going to be at the end of the show.

We're going to be at the end of the show. That's how you sell it. People are about them. Any black people are about there? Not really.

Not really. Yeah, sure. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] [LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING] [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] You're caught right. Come see me.

You're caught right. Come see me. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Say you love me.

[LAUGHTER] You're getting like $15. You can't pay me. Get back to the community. Oh, man.

It is going to be a red member of the 90s show. Rock or ball. I'm like a Jordan Orper. They will all be there to see Tracy Morgan. It is the information 90s screen.

Oh, my God. He is black norm. He's black norm. Norms take over an interview. And not just go.

I'm going to be funny. I'm going to make it a different thing. Okay.

I tell you the thing that will never happen again is they--

“I think it's the thing about norm is you have to really not care.”

You have to really-- Tracy doesn't give a shit about the TV. You have to let the fact that people are going to say that wasn't funny. Yeah, you got to let it go. I bet you didn't know that one man every single hour is diagnosed

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Nobody comes out for, so let's have fun. Let's make a clip. Yeah, like he did. It's interesting. Sam and Mark kind of used them for the clip. Yeah. They don't, they have no interest in the, in the press itself.

It seems to be doing this. I've seen, I just see his post of it where he just goes for an absolutely not okay more. Like he just goes for the hardest joke. It's so fucking funny what he does. He goes for like abortion jokes at like seven o'clock in the morning.

And you can see how scared they get. They're like, huh? And then they're like, ah, right? And he goes see, like he, it's like a way to get out of it. But it's a really funny approach to.

Norman's first one was authentically fucking hysteria.

Yes. To the first time he did it, because you can tell he was hung out. He was still drunk. Still, yeah. He was like, and he was cursing on air.

The guy a little gay. And that, that's the. I love fucking with the morning people. It's the best. It's just so funny.

They realized this doesn't sell tickets. Yeah. No, they're getting ready with it. The background on the way to work with people. The first time I ever fucked off with it.

I was like, why are we doing this? And they started doing DJ dad and DJ dad. The full character. Yeah. Look at that fat piece of shit.

By the way, guys, this is not make up in a character.

“The only thing he added there was a gold chain.”

Everything else was just his outfit. That was his regular fat. Oh, my goodness. I got his dick show right after Tom did. Yeah.

And they were like, are you going to do? Like, one of the guys were like, can your friend Tom's like a DJ now? And I was like, what? And I was like, they're like, yeah, he's DJs. That's like his big thing. He doesn't do stand up, please DJ.

The big thing that I would do on these when I started doing that, that the club to go, what the fuck? Is I would say I'm a DJ. And then they're like, you'll be at the, you know, I'm proud. And I go, don't worry about that.

It's all about the after party. There was no after party. And I would go meet me at this bar. I'm going to be DJing. And I'd get off to go, what the fuck are you talking?

You tell them people not to go to the show. It's like, no one's watching this man. No one who's going to buy a ticket is watching the 7 a.m. fucking news. They're not. And they were just like, all right.

And then once the show's would sell any, I'm like, what? There are already sold. Why are we doing this? Because we need you to do this. So I gotta tell you, out of all of that, like out of all the fun, fuck off, I one time witnessed Daniel Tosh do morning radio

with material. Yeah.

And I've never seen anything more powerful in my life.

He did morning radio and did bits. And didn't tell the me who's doing bits. He did bits. But disguised them disguised them. Yeah.

And it was fucking destructive. Were you like, like, Byron Allen?

“They were like, do you have anything you want to talk about?”

Because he was a Bob and Tom guy. Yeah. And he was good. Was he really? Oh, hard core.

And he gave them, like, like, gave them five bits. But all he knew is that first one, he was never going to let them talk again. And so they said, so tell us about, you know, what's going on?

Yeah, what do you want to put? And he's like, I love football. I love guys that do steroids. I think they've been sponsored by Campbell Supes. We've talked him in the comments.

But like, he just did his fucking material. And murdered. God. That probably did work. Then for sales.

Yeah. I mean, it's so interesting what sells now. Do you forget, by the way, I totally forget. I only remember when I get into like a rental car. But I forget.

I know, yeah. I totally forget. You'll be driving. And you go, like, could you haven't connected yet? And you're like, oh, yeah.

Like, I'm always connected.

Like, Bluetooth. You know, that there's people still turning on the radio. When I came back to New York from Ecuador. And I was driving. Sounds like my state is like crash pad.

And somewhere. And I was driving from, and we get New Jersey, like, conservative radio. But morning radio. Yeah.

I heard it's was a mixture of conservative thought

Mm-hmm.

And so it's like, uh, it'd be like, uh.

“Top five things New Jersey's known for it.”

So it's a blueberry state, by the way. The mask is a badge of compliance. It was like, oh, no. Back and forth. It conservative and like fun.

That was pretty. Those old school talk radios. And talk radio. We're good. That was helping.

Yeah. That was helping. You know, you know, like you take risks. Yeah. Okay.

I like taking the swing. Wow. So, uh, tell us about Ecuador. Uh, uh, hold on. We got, we, we should make a big point that may

9th the, the five. The five canning. The five case back. You can sign up. They'll be conservative there.

They'll be Jews, Christians, Muslims. You brought more 5k before? Not really. Because I ran it with Brian Simpson. Who?

He's so bad. He's doing bad. Everybody was like, we started running. And I mean, 30 seconds. Let's, oh, hold on.

Let's walk for a second. It was like, okay. The veggies like, all right. Let's pick it up again. Let's run.

Yeah. And then, uh, another 30 seconds. All right.

Let's, let's, let's like walk for a second.

Where was that one? And, you know, we got to play. It was in Philadelphia in LA. Yeah. LA.

Yeah. And then he goes, you can go ahead. You go ahead. That's what he was saying in a while. Let's catch up.

And man, walk in that 5k is beautiful. In Pasadena. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing.

Well, it totally. 45 minutes to an hour. And yeah, we killed it. Yeah. I'm going this for an hour.

Yeah. That's a big window. Yeah. The meatloaf or whatever. And, uh, going the other way.

You just have to eat. Yeah. Just have to eat. Yeah. And he was meat roll.

And he was fucking running. And then that's where Brian was like, shit. And then we got sort to the end. So this is a place. You can get to him.

You can see the finish line.

And I was like, do, do, do. We have got to work on the sweat before we get to that finish. They're taking pictures. He's like, you're right. So we just ran around in place for like 20 seconds.

Enough to get him going. Now let's go. We're just ran the last 30. That by the way, when you see, I, I, I experience this one. I'm out running now is you'll, you'll be out on a run.

I'll go to this trail. And I'll see either like an older person, a fatter person, a woman. And they're ahead of me. And I'll just be like, you cannot let this person know. Or just be like beat you in this.

“And it, just in my head, I think you have to fucking run past this person.”

Oh, I, I haven't seen him. I haven't seen him. I don't mean any woman. I just mean most. I ran.

Everyone's right. When we did the MLB for Netflix. Yeah, I woke up that morning. Like to see the sunrise. Hold it to the sunrise.

What do you guys do? Call the game. No, he just did like that. He did something for us to talk for it. Just, I, well, I announce the teams.

Would you play? No. What? You're announce the teams? Yeah.

Like the young ladies and gentlemen. The New York Yankees. Ladies and gentlemen. And so, but I got up at like six in the morning. I want to see the sunrise.

I haven't, I haven't been drinking. So that's the only joy I get in life. Yeah. No. Oh, buddy.

You have no idea. It's calling me. All right. I get already. Oh, let's wrap up the five kids before we start talking about boost.

So I go out for a run. And there was an Asian woman who was run walking. Yeah. Run walking. She was in front of me.

The whole, she'd run and then walk. And then almost catch up to her. It's like, nope. It was almost like I was chasing her in old school. Vietnam.

Yeah. Yeah. She was just run walking. I couldn't get past her. And I, running in San Francisco.

Everyone was faster than me. Everyone, because they're all tech kids. They don't really like, now let's talk about drinking. Sign up for the two five bears. Two K.

Whatever. Two bears. Five K dot com. It's May 9th. It's at the Pasadena Rose Bowl.

It is. It's during the festival. And it is like a fucking fun day. It's not just for committed for the shack thing. Just so you know.

I'm not. You're a shack to the fool right now. Why, why are you leaving? Yeah. I'm not going to be there.

I promise. Well, it's me Matt Rife. Mark Norman Samarrell. I think Starvee. That's great.

I know. But I wanted you on it.

“So I think we got Miss Pat's going to be on it.”

Jesus. It's a great line of anyway. Let's come back to let's get back to these kids. These kids. So I'm not drinking, right?

Yeah. If you can remember. Just like we're not drinking. No. And so what happens is.

No, him it's slept. What happens is your phone really does listen. So if you go into my algorithm, all it is. It's so Friday stories. No.

That's all I get. Every fucking day. And can I tell you? Do you still have your your your pull the fucking latch day? Is it still?

Yeah. July 12th. That's it's happening. What is that? You're going to.

And and I would put this to you. July 12th. You got the drink again? Yeah. You should record yourself.

Well, what are you going to tell you? I was thinking about. I was thinking about what would be a great city to fall off the wagon.

No. That's a week. I have to sober up.

“Think about that you got to think about because it's New Orleans can be a little depressing.”

I'm not pan. What? I'm pan fucking child. I don't pan. I'm pan Cambodia.

Okay. Once again. It's too far offline. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Let's keep thinking. Okay. Home town Tampa. No.

No. No. I got a bunch of dudes that I fucking grew up with. In here. I don't know why.

I can ask for the best friend. I want it to be like Aspen. So you're like. I know. I don't know.

No. No. No. I love the beat. I see.

Below the two. Drink even more than you would. No. I love that one. I keep thinking about that.

I keep hearing Nick's words in QS stories. QS to be a good place. Yeah. The Turks and Kcos Jamaica. Wow.

Jamaica. I can make a flight to Jamaica Puerto Rico. The Virgin Island. The Caribbean thing would be cool. Caribbean like to fall off the wagon.

What's a great drinking town. What's known is a great York City Chicago. But yeah. I keep saying like Chicago would be fun. No, you.

No. I want. I want. I want. Three days of drinking.

I want. Three days of light. Of like came in Ireland. Get up. Cocktail in the pool.

Yeah. Run it in the afternoon. You should book this ahead of time. So it's like a whole thing. But I'm trying to think of the best place.

And everyone goes. Chicago. New York. I kind of feel like. No.

This is this is just how I look at my own unwinding.

I never really unwind until I leave the country.

“So like I think if you go to like even if it's a Caribbean.”

I thought that far. But you're just unplugged from home. It's going to be a more fun experience. I've plus July. Summer time.

You know what? Chicago in New York or drinking towns because you drink. Consistently there. But you're talking about drinking hard and well for just a few days. And enjoying and and beautiful.

Yeah. You don't want to be in the concrete jungle. Dude. No. Looking good.

Billy Ray. Feeling good. I. But yeah. July 12th.

I fall off and I can't. Why? What is this? What's going on? I got a blood clot in my leg and traveled on my lungs.

Oh. And so I got a blood thinners. It would dude. I thought you're already in blood thinners. Let me tell you the thing.

No. No. I take a baby aspirin. But when I now I have a little bit more perspective. When they told me I couldn't drink for six months.

Yeah. Dude. It felt like. That sentence. There.

Yeah. I was like.

I remember the first thing I said.

I was like.

“What am I supposed to do for the Super Bowl?”

And the doctor was like. What what are you talking about? And I was like. NASCAR. I got the day from 500.

If I saw beef food in one festival. What? What are we talking about? Like how am I going to do this in the name? And then you don't drink.

And then you're like. Oh, I can not drink for anything. Like not drinking. Is drinking. I've been hard.

Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Not one bit. The hardest part.

Honestly. It's flying. Because I do know. I do know that in turbulence. There is something that can make me go away.

I saw I've never. It's been years. When we had that like weight loss competition. And Joe sent us to San Francisco to go watch the warriors and calves play. Yeah.

This is when bronze on the calves. So we were like watching bronze stuff, you know. Like the two premier teams. And this guy picks me up at my house. He gets he has the car service coming to my house.

And I get it. He's got the it's the like the 64 ounce. Like 7/11 mug. With crushed ice. And it's this vodka soda.

It's 64 ounces dude. It's massive. Wow. And I'm like, what is that? It's early.

It's like eight o'clock in the morning. He drinks that. And I'm like, oh, he's like, have one. Come on. Fucking have one.

It's such a good peer pressure. Okay. You're not a drinker. You're not. We walked into the rock into the Amrolls club.

Oh, right away. But at the airport. They're like. Like the bars. Yeah.

And then they'd like put it down. They're like, here you go. Like they just he doesn't say what he wants.

I never said it was a car.

He's passed away now. Car will put down drinks. And then every time right before I go to get the plane. Car will go, hey, traveler. I go, yeah, you just Caucasian.

I go, please. And then a coffee cup. Like a big coffee cup. He'd make a white rush in for me. So it looks like I was drinking coffee on the plane.

And I go on the plane with a white rush in. And just sip. Oh, dude. Pro by the time we landed. He's like seven doubles into the day.

And then we go to the hotel. And he's like, let's check out the bar. Let's go have a drink at the bar, right? And I'm like, I need to take a nap right now. I already bomb drunk.

And then we go to the game. Your ability to not pass out. Drinking just keeps going on. So when we finally get back, like, I'm really like hanging. I've had four drinks, you know, he's on whatever.

Yeah.

“I thought you were going to, I was wondering if you'd remember that.”

And I go, we go to search smoke a cigar. And then I'm saying you're so good cigar, but I'm like, Oh, Jesus.

And I never drank this much.

And so finally, like, you know, we're getting to the end of our cigar. I'm like, all right, he goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm going to go to the bed. He goes, don't you, what's this feeling to continue? Like, don't you want this to just keep going?

And I'm like, no, I want to lay the fuck down. There is a different thing that you get where it's like, let's go hard. And that normal, he will go, like, I can't. I'd nothing, I want more than laying in a bed. Yeah.

It would be so nice. No. So you're three months into sobriety. Can I tell you the crazy part? Is I just got blood work back?

Yeah. Well, don't listen to that. You've always been perfect. But don't listen to that blood work. But remember, now is healthier than it's been in years.

Hmm. And I cannot wait to put a fucking dead in it. Dude, all I hear, I cannot wait to pray to go, what happened? Yeah. I got my numbers back.

And they've never been like in the 18s and the 20s. It's always, you know, 36, you know, 45. All right at the top. Boom. I'm, like, ready to get after it.

“It's almost like you can connect these dots.”

Blood pressure, blood pressure, Tom. Perfect. Low. I got low blood. Are they taking me off meds?

No way. I'm off meds. I'm off, like, it's in two days. So no point. Here goes.

I'm going to not drink. Like, everybody's fine. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine. We'll hang on. We'll hang on. We'll hang on.

Hang on. Here's the deal. Let's break it down. Let's break it out. You will not be remembered.

No one will remember you. Yeah. You will have no legacy when you're, when you're the last person that remembers your name is dead. No one will ever talk about you again. Right.

That's right. It's over. Life's a cast crab. That's true.

So never fucking think it's anything more than a cast crab.

Okay. All these fucking influencers waking up and, and, and cold punch. You can saw that and running 12 miles and doing a hundred miles. Thinking that they're going to leave a legacy. You're not.

Yeah. You're fucking not. Okay. You're going to die next to Doug's tan hope. Two bears.

Okay. Come on. It's, it's, that's all I'm getting as influencers. Yeah. And, and, and, and it's like they've, you know, you get half of them.

Sobretty is their brand where they're trying to monetize it. You know, like yeah. Some fucking piece of garbage today on the side of a fucking thing. And he was like. I got through a day sober.

I got custody of a daughter back. And you're like. Immediately. I find he goes, I'm a, I clear a million dollars a year. If you two want to learn how to clear a million dollars a year.

Yeah. Okay. And then I get the ones are like, they're like, let me tell you something. When I was drugs and alcohol, I was, I would run you over with my car for drugs. I would do anything for drugs and then I go.

And then like, but I got God first family's packet. My church third.

“And then I'm like, and you are still one key bump away from sucking my dick.”

Like, let's, let's be clear. Like, you're not there. You didn't fix the fucking broth. Also, I run you over like cartilage. You just buy it.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to hurt anybody. But it's a deal. These kid, the, all I get are sobriety stories.

Everyone know, and then I get to go like Nick's words. And I've said this to Nick. I've saw it on my sharing. When Nick talks about not drinking. Nick doesn't drink.

Oh, no. He, but he, but man. And I'm once again. He's so, he's sober. He's sober, but he's, he's, he's good.

He's really like. And he's end changed. Not good. Not bad. It's fair.

I mean, he's fun days are tricky. We're a long time ago. I mean, I'm not going to tell any next stories out of school. But if you listen to the blocks podcast, he did with Neil Brennan. You, he, I'm my favorite part of the blocks podcast.

Because only a real drinker would think this would shade it. Is he goes, you know? And Neil's like, what's it like when you are having like a real drinking. Tell me, because I don't know. I get up around like nine.

Go to the bar and Neil goes nine. And Nick goes maybe 10. That's better. Oh, that's so good. But all these kids these days, they're not drinking.

They're all micro dosing. And it's, and it's like, you're not. I mean, listen, I just think, you know, part of the fun of drinking. And I wish marijuana offered this. Like I was talking to someone about starting a weed company.

But I want, here's what I want.

I want such low dose weed at the same ratio is alcohol. It's coming back. Yeah, I want low weed because part of the fun of drinking is doing it. Is do you want another one? If you want another one, if you want it, hey, one more before you go.

That energy. The thing when you take 10 milligrams of an animal, then you're done. And you're just like, well, the, the imbibing is gone. Yeah, you know, right. Yeah, you can't keep running it.

And I'm going to be honest with you. I'm being very real. 10 milligrams a lot for me. I can't do 10 milligrams. I enjoy it.

I'm a five milligrams guy quite often 2.5 and then fucking drink on it.

But like, I, I, alcohol is such a brilliant, social lubricant in life.

“I mean, I'm, I've met so many people on planes and bars.”

So many great times are had when that person breaks their willpower and goes, fine, bucket, let's have a drink. And all these kids are missing out in that. And they're just like, I got up. I worked out.

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm this. I do, and it's all based off of these dudes. They saw in the military, you know, put out like these channels where they're, in the, the manosphere. You know, you don't need alcohol.

You just need to work out. You, let me show you a kettle while complex. And you're like, what the fuck? It makes sense to me. So you're going to go hard in.

Yeah. And then you're allowed to like, there's no ease back up. You're allowed it. Once they say July 12, you get allowed. Well, I'm, I'm in production in July.

So definitely, I'm afraid to go off the bench. Go on. I like if it's a weekend, I may go on the fire. Let's take a fucking, and then fly home. You know?

And then there's a part of me that part of me that says, don't cheat it. Like don't cheat it. Yeah. This is my first time drinking. I want to, what I made on July 12, right?

Have one beer to break the number to get rid of the number. The number fucks you up. The number, fucks everyone up in AA. The numbers, what the fucks you up? The number.

I talked to some of the other day. How many days you had summer? He goes, he goes, three hundred seventy five days. For what? He goes, three hundred seventy five days.

I was like, I was like, do a little bit.

I wish I'd never started counting.

And I was like, really, he goes, the number is fucking me up. He goes, I don't want to trouble him. But he goes, I'm now, I'm obsessed with the number. I get that with do a little lingo, because I, I just don't want it to break. Oh, you were joking.

Do a lingo. Yeah. Yeah. You're gonna stick your days. Yeah.

And then you're like, I don't want to break my streets. I have to people weigh in. And they do that. 11 30 p.m. You're the sound of a bunch in bars.

Yeah. Here's that dual lingo. I got to get my street. I got it. It's almost midnight.

Yeah. Are you on it, too? Jesus. It's so good. This is, he's doing this just for you.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Fuck.

Wait. Do you have a street?

I just stopped at four years and then I'm now done.

I was like, I got to four years I'm out. It's a total, it's, it's, it's engineered. Yeah. It's like really, they know what it does. It's about to happen to you.

What? It's about to get warm. Yeah. And you're about to melt into your seat. And a funder storm could come running up on you and you wouldn't fucking move.

A shark could swim up to you and you feel confident in the way enough to push it nose away. I love it. How great. It's a big drop.

And it's raining out. And it was like, I'm fine. I'm just staying here. Guys, I'm fine. The rain is good.

I'm fine. Yeah. That's a good one. Now, the rain is special. Come on, come in.

Come in. I'm fine. We were driving through Greensboro, North Carolina yesterday. I'm trying. Are you serious?

Yeah, I lived there twice a week. Call of 7. Let me talk about it. Call of 7. We're driving.

Drink water. We're driving from the arena to this place where there's a mural of me. A woman that is beautiful mural of me. It's huge. It's like fucking a hundred feet big.

What? I know. In Greensboro. In Greensboro, North Carolina, a mural of me. I'm sure it'll come up.

So I'm driving there. And I saw.

“Like, I'm only going to call him Lithuanian because that's what he looked like.”

You know, five, six, shave gray hair, shorts, no shirt, belly. And he's in the middle of a, yeah, that's the mural. But it's a mural. Yeah. Jesus.

I've been building. Yeah, what? So I was going to see that. And this guy, this guy was sitting in a parking lot with a tall boy and a cigarette, bear foot and a bathing suit and a lawn chair.

And he was just sitting there and nothing just drinking by himself. And I went, that's so sexy. So sexy. That's crazy. That's a crazy mural, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. General rights. General rights. Yeah. Jenna.

I met with her yesterday. She's awesome. I'm going to have her do one of Leanne. But in the, uh, Ailey Anne. And put it on a wall.

And then it blew a big one on a wall. Leanne and bikini. You're going to hire her to do that. Yeah. Yeah.

Do a big one and don't tell Leanne about it. And then just be like, well, shit. That looks like you. That is me. Yeah.

That's so funny. That's so funny. Especially do it in the neighborhood. Yeah. Like somewhere close.

Yeah.

“Every time she turns on to Ventura, she's like, what the fuck?”

The side of a fawn. Yeah. That's a pony boy Curtis. That's really funny, dude.

I'm doing it to make you jealous.

Oh. I'm not generally a. Hey, I'm drinking. It's crazy with you. And then it's so fun.

You drink so well.

“I'm the only one who is consistently said you should knock him up drinking.”

Yeah. You, uh, this reminds me of how much fun it was when we went to the national championship game. Going to top golf first. Do you really? Exactly.

That's when I realized like you do doubles at a two to one rate to our singles. Yeah. Yeah. I don't count doubles as a double. I just couldn't consider it a drink.

But you do doubles. You're like, give me two teato doubles. Yeah. One teato single. My favorite moment in all of that.

Yeah. And I wonder if it's. No, I have a couple of really close there. We went to the national championship game. Alabama versus Georgia.

It was an amazing gift. It was an amazing gift. Because these two pieces of shit got below. Got below obese for a bet. Yeah.

Because they managed to get not obese. We had some great moments. We stayed in the fourth ward. I know where we stayed now because I've lived in Atlanta. I've lived in Atlanta.

We stayed in the fourth ward. Okay. It's being gentrified. That's how we got that play. We started it.

Yeah. We did. We were right across 2019. My Benes are about discharge. Wow.

“And we had that moment in the liquor store where the print song was playing.”

And everyone in the liquor store started dancing. But my favorite part out of anything. Out of anything is when we got Miss Pat called and say get to the game early. The line is crazy. Yeah.

And we get to the wall. And if you're looking at this picture, there's two not obese people. That's how much space you got. Yeah. Just to get the fat.

Yeah. It's crazy. We get to the game. And it's and Trump shows up. And it the line is not even a line.

It is a it looks like Vietnam in 1936. It's like they're all trying to get out. Yeah. It's crazy. I am legend.

They're all trying to get to that. Yeah. The copters and he's that can. I got up.

That's what I've never seen like that.

I love this so much. Go ahead. And Tom says. What if there's two black kids enough and a blue coats that you are just standing there. They're not doing anything.

They're like security or something. They work for the they do something official. But we don't know what they do. It's all white people going in this national championship game. Tom gives them 300 bucks each and goes,

"Well, you guys walk us through this crowd." And they're like, "Bat." And so these two young black kids are going, "Excuse me!" "Excuse me!"

It was such a good move. And people were like, "What do we do?" What are we doing? We got to get them in right now. We got to get them in right now.

And then trailing. And then like, and then my favorite moment ever is. As people say. We get mad. And people are getting mad.

We're we are in the center. We have made such great time. We're in the center. Everyone behind us sees. And it's like, "What the fuck?"

Because we're past them. Yeah. And anyone who's angry, we're past them. And this white woman goes, "Who the fuck are they?" And he goes, "Man, they're famous."

She goes, "I love who they are." And he goes, "They're famous." She goes, "You only hired those two kids because they're black. And you knew we wouldn't say anything." And the two black kids go, "We're out."

And they laugh. They laugh just there. They laugh just right there. They go, "Yep, we might be a child of this right here." And then we were stuck standing next to that woman.

Oh, right there. Right next to her number one. Oh, yeah.

And people like, "I have never heard of you."

And then Berko's, "My name's Tom Segora." Yeah. Yeah. You were like, "You don't do that." That's what my mother fucker.

I remember that. Damn. That was very fun. That was such a fun thing. What a fun time.

What a game. I remember sitting on the back patio. Smoking. You got nice ones. You got nice ones.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. It was like, "Wow."

“And I remember being cold when we were outside.”

'Cause you guys weren't obese anymore. (laughter) Oh, I was like, "I guess you think I'll waste." Freeze got here in Atlanta. Yeah, it was cold.

How much do you think I weighed then? Probably like 230. Shut your fucking mouth. Then? Look at that.

What do you think it is? Three. Three. Low three. Low three.

I'm talking about Tom or me. I'm talking about you. There was no way Tom was 220 pounds in that picture. No, I didn't say I was. Wait, what are you?

Wait, what's not up here? What's not up here? What's not up here, guys? I'll give you the exact, I'll tell you exactly how much I weighed. I took measurements back then.

You have the measurements. You keep them. 100%. I keep them. But you'll know you're weight though.

Oh, God. Just waste. You'll just know you're measurement. No, no. What date?

Oh, no, no, everything. That was September 30. No, October 31st, 2017. That's the way. That's the way.

Way in. But this is in. This is January. This is January. Of the next year.

We had to be under.

In Afro. No, no, no, no. To be not obvious. Yes.

“The fact that you guys were cutting weight.”

It was so funny. Yeah.

It's you're like, I'm getting it.

That is the, you know, that is the impetus. That is the impetus to pour out. So it's really honest. Yeah. Because what happened is, I said I was going to lose weight.

And I was going to drink the whole time. You do it the right way. And I was like, I will drink Tito's and so does the whole time. Yeah. No, I, I, I know that I talked shit.

But at the time in 2016, 2016. 2016. 17 was the weight loss. 16 was the weight loss challenge. 2016 was the weight loss challenge.

2016 was the weight loss challenge because my, my, my machine story went viral. That was the same. I left for, I left for me and Mar in 2017. And I, I found a computer at a place and started a new email accounts. I guys, I will pay you, but I left.

2016, I thought it was 17. 2016 Tito's was a popular brand of vodka. But they weren't as big as they are today. And I had met a dude on a plane who got a Tito's and soda. And who told me about Tito's.

And he was a male model. And I started drinking Tito's because of that weight loss. Because he goes, I can drink it, not game weight.

“And I said, I'm going to drink Tito's that whole fucking weight loss.”

And I did. And I went out on a limb and and Tito's people started showing up to my shows, giving me gift baskets. And then I reached out to Tito's and was like, yo, I'd like to be a, you know, not a brand ambassador wasn't a thing.

But I would like to work with the company. And Tito, word got back to me. Tito, the guy, his real name's Bert, said, what? Tell him to go fuck himself and stop drinking Tito's. And I went, that was a message that was related to you.

Yes. And I went to, I go, are you being serious? And they're like, yeah. Do you think he was drunk off Tito's? I don't know. I, I don't, I think he was like, I don't know who fucked this.

Well, let's be honest. He did build his own brand. He did build his own vodka. He did it all himself. He's got some guy saying, this guy, Bert,

you know, talks about your vodka a lot. And then he's like, well, fuck him. I mean, why not fuck him? Tell him to just stop drinking my vodka. Well, was that explicitly said to you?

Like, yes, yeah. I couldn't say it. And then I stopped drinking Tito's because of it. And I was like, why can't drink Tito's now? Why?

And, and, and, and, and I wasn't looking for like a brand deal.

I wasn't looking for a million dollars.

I was looking to be involved with the company somehow. Because I was such a brand ambassador. And so when we started porosos, I was like, you know what? Fuck Tito's. Yeah.

Fuck him. Fuck Tito. I mean, I hate it because I, I, I, I, I had so many good memories of drinking Tito's back then. But, you know, well, this is better product.

So, fuck. Let me tell you, if you're a young kid and you're like, y'all want to work with porosos. You will not hear me say, tell the guy to fuck himself.

“You should do that to somebody high level.”

Mr. Beast, you should tell him to fuck off. No way. Jimmy. You don't need this fucking idea. You know how much I need Jimmy in my life.

Fuck Mr. Beast. Porosos. I'm a brand ambassador now. Um. I want to, there's a bunch of kids that all get fucking faded.

And then run in the morning. Yeah. I love those kids. Get drunk, run. They all do it.

And there's a student Austin who does it. His name's Bender. The last name's Bender. Perfect. So, um, real quick.

The end. The end is out now. On YMH Studios.com. The end.YMH Studios.com. Everybody's in it.

It's great. I don't forget what to say. No.

Just that you have an incredible lineup.

And it's just a little awesome. Yeah. And there's a prologue in there that you guys have got for free. Unless you just buy the net episode. The net episode is a clean episode.

All right. Now as you get a clean episode. That's smart. That's smart. It worked out them out.

But it's not, I mean, he's clean. He just doesn't curse. He's still funny. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want people hearing this and going, uh, clean. I'm out. No, no. He's still funny.

He's hilarious. But any other episode you get, you get the prologue to. But get the whole season for the discount. You know, I was looking at my, uh, bumpers I recorded, like in South America.

Yeah. No one has to come out, like save some podcasts. So with Bobby Kelly, I just did one. I was like the price is 10 bucks each. 9 a 9, 50 for the season.

And then now I got to be like, hey, that was Tom Tomy. That's crazy. He said people $50 for a lot of people is a weak salary. And they can't afford that. He said he told me you told me that people are struggling.

They're poor. Everyone's poor except you. And that $50 is just too much. They might be talking about that in the past week. So that's great.

It's now 24.99 for the whole 30 for the whole season and just and six bucks in episode. Great deal. It's all about man. Save those checklists and just, uh, you know, spend them when you can. Um, it is, it is actually, it's, it's totally great price for what you put together.

So make sure you check it out. It's on ymastitudes.com. Please sign up at two bears5k.com for the May 9th, 5k. By the way, bird myself, uh, a bunch of people that's going to be music. There's food.

It's at the Rose Bowl. I won't be drinking.

I think I'm going to smoke.

Still want you to.

“I'm going to say, I haven't, I have to figure out a reason to smoke weed.”

I know one. What?

Get Snoopy dog dog to come in off some sort of like a zip wire.

Something fun. Maybe even a golf cart. Yeah.

“And then light up blood and hand it to you and drive off.”

I would love Snoop to break my weed.

So variety. You can't smoke weed. I don't know. But I haven't because I haven't, I don't have a reason. Like I've just been like, well, I don't need it to go to bed.

And I don't need it to unwind.

“I just want, like, you should definitely do that.”

Yeah. Yes. 90 days, 92 days today. Incredible. Number.

Well, um, mazel or whatever you guys say. You know a lot about it. The only stuff you've learned about cultures is the shit. I don't paper, please. What do you guys say?

Paper. That's a different. Okay. And we'll see you guys next week.