friendship breakups and boundaries, advice session

Give you my own professional advice and today's topic is a topic that we've touched on many times here on anything goes

“And that would be the topic of friendship, but more specifically friendship breakups in boundaries”

Also known as the less fun part of friendship. The fun part of friendship is Going and getting brunch together going on a hike together Talking about your crush is together Talking about a funny YouTube video. You saw the other day. You know, that's the fun part of friendship The not fun part of friendship

Friendship breakups in boundaries. Although I will say boundaries are not necessarily not fun Boundaries can be awesome and they can actually make a friendship more fun. I would argue Friendship breakups on the other hand not fun nothing is fun about that long-term there can be relief but short-term kind of sucks kind of sucks Boundaries more awesome still kind of uncomfortable so we're we're gonna be touching on some of the more uncomfortable parts of friendship today

And I must say I am getting over the flu still I've been getting over the flu for like a really long time And so my voice kind of sounds like shit. Okay, and maybe I also was at karaoke like a week ago too

“And my voice is just never recovered. I honestly need to take better care of my voice considering it's my job to talk”

But it sounds like shit and in my defense I was at karaoke, but I didn't even get on stage and sing karaoke I literally just watched and sang along okay, I sang along But that was enough to fuck my voice up in addition to the flu. It's like I just my pipes have been off so ignore that And excuse that Anyway, without further ado, let's begin

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Other terms apply seasite for details Now back to the episode Somebody said I want to end a friendship because it sucks the life out of me But my friend doesn't know that because I don't think I make it obvious So if I brought it up it might make me seem crazy or seem random

What do I do? Well, this is interesting. It sounds like to me that you've never had a conversation with this friend

About whatever it is that makes this relationship exhausting. You've never brought it up. Now I don't know what your friend is doing right and that is helpful information But I will say in relationships confrontation is key That's what makes relationships grow evolve That's what allows relationships to continue through various chapters of life right if you're not communicating in confronting

It's very hard to keep a relationship going and so I don't know what your friend is doing that sucks the life out of you And that's a serious statement. I take that very seriously You know if this person's talking the life out of you That's a big problem and we need to fix that. However if it's possible and fair to yourself I think it's not a terrible idea before just jumping ship on the friendship to perhaps maybe

Bring up the exhausting traits qualities about your friend to your friend before you just jump ship I mean listen you got to be you know you want to be kind about it you want to be gentle about it

“You want to be empathetic about it. You want to remember that the person that you're confronting is”

A fellow human being has feelings even if what they're doing is a bummer But you could gently respectfully bring up your grapes with your friend find a creative way to do that In your friend might be like oh, I didn't even notice that about myself. I'm so sorry Wow, thank you for letting me know like you're right. You know that that's true I'm gonna work on that and your friend might learn something about themselves to that experience and improve and grow from that experience

And they might from that conversation Become a great friend to you once again. That doesn't suck the life out of you I think if it's fair to yourself and it makes sense in this situation meaning whatever this person is doing isn't so bad So bad that you know, it's like an obvious sort of choice to leave the relationship

I would say bring it up and give them a little chance to resolve it first

See what they do and if they don't take this as a growth opportunity If perhaps they're defensive upon the confrontation

Grow from that okay, then you can have a conversation you can be like you know what we've talked about this before

It hasn't really changed and it's something that Really bugs me and I don't think I can I can be in your life in like a positive that I'm in it now because I just can't handle that I'm deaf that was definitely kind of therapy speak. I don't even go to therapy currently so it's like where do that come from but that was sort of therapy speak But then at that point it's not coming out of left field. It's not coming out of nowhere You've already brought this up your friend is aware that there's something about them that is challenging for you

Perhaps challenging to many people. It's just a challenging Trade in general and you can feel good knowing that you gave them the chance you you gave them the heads up And that was the most that you could do and they are not going to feel like this is coming out of left field coming out of nowhere

“You know what I mean? I think it doesn't hurt to bring it up and see what they do and then go from there”

I think that that is Potentially a great solution for you. I will say though If your friend is like doing something really wrong like Being really mean to you or I don't even know like you know doing something that's sort of

That's like super super fucked up. Okay. Saying mean things about you bringing you down constantly and you've never brought it up because you're like

I'm just trying to be chill. I'm trying to be a chill friend. You know, I don't want to I don't want to stir the pot. Well chances are if your friend is doing something that bad they know They know that they're doing that so if you bring it up even if it comes out of left field even if it kind of feels like it's coming out of nowhere If it's something like that if you bring it up and you say you know what I don't know like I really wanted to be friends with you, but you know you you really hurt me in this way

You really suck the life out of me to use your own words And this is why if it's something that is actually deeply hurtful and not just like oh they copy everything I do or oh They always ditch me at parties and go talk to boys

“Other boys or like I'm just giving random examples of things that are not ideal but also not necessarily a complete deal breaker, right?”

Those are things that could be worked through or as like if somebody's not on your team They're bringing you down. They're saying mean shit about you to your face. They're like trying to bring you down a peg constantly And that's sucking the life out of you like that's a huge issue. And yes, I think that that's a valid reason to leave a friendship immediately But I think if you bring that up Chances are they are going to know that they're doing that and they're going to be

Very aware of that and the second you say it. They're not going to be surprised that you're saying it

So don't be afraid of it coming out of left field. They probably already know that they're doing it. They just Can't help themselves. They're in a bad place. They're insecure themselves. They can't help themselves And you enable it in a way by not Confronting it so they just think that they can continue to do it Without repercussions. Yeah, in that case if it's something like that you don't have to be worried about

What it looks like to them or if it's coming out of nowhere like who cares? They're treating you like shit like actually like shit You know, it's not just like In annoyance like a minor annoyance that may be resolvable or not like it's very clear like that's not cool In by the way, you can leave a friendship whenever for whatever reason that is completely your prerogative But my advice would be if it's something or a collection of sort of more minor things

Could be an interesting opportunity to practice your communication skills Teach your friend about themselves a little more give them an opportunity to grow And potentially even develop a stronger friendship maybe otherwise You bring it up who cares and you have a heart to heart about it and go from there If your friend is like oh my god, I am such an asshole to you. I'm so sorry

I'm gonna try to be better. Hey that that could be awesome and then you could Potentially, you know, you can do that what you want but if they're not like that then that's the end of that I will say I mean there also is a way to sort of slowly fizzle a friendship if a friendship is sucking the life out of you And maybe in your opinion in your mind you're like Bringing this up isn't even gonna be helpful like sometimes people suck the life out of us that aren't even bad people

You know good people can suck the life out of us trust me. I've experienced that many times Sometimes it's just a compatibility issue if that's the case It is really hard to bring it up. How do you bring that up? You can just be like hey dude Kind of just the way you are sucks. Oh, yeah, just your overall aura. Oh, not for me. That's tough. You know you can't

“I don't know how do you even bring that up? So if that's the case and that's why this friend sucks the life out of you”

You could try a slow fizzle. You know, I don't love that I don't love that because I think can I I do love communication but I also know that sometimes

Answers to text become more and more sporadic, you know drop a few more excuses to not hang out I don't love that type of strategy. I would prefer to just say everything to everyone's face but sometimes That's the way that makes the most sense if the reason why you want to distance yourself from someone is not because they've done anything wrong But just because you don't really like their vibe oops, oops, anyway, okay next Somebody said what do I do if I want to move on from being friends with certain people

But I feel like they have a lot of vulnerable and personal information about me and I'm scared of how they will use that in the future Oh my god, I could not resonate with something more this is an anxiety that plagues me all of the time all of the time it's funny because I think my career Is rooted in my Openness to talk about almost anything and I am just such an open book by nature

I was like born this way. This is it's in my blood. It's in my DNA. It's it's who I am as a person. I just

“Okay, I love I love being vulnerable. I love being open. I love having hard to hearts with people like this is what life is about for me”

This is like my purpose on this planet. It feels like is to just have Really vulnerable conversations For whatever reason I was born and I just I'm not afraid of it, right? I'll talk about anything anything for the most part and Even if it's something embarrassing

Even if it's something really vulnerable even if it's something that most people Wouldn't want to say about themselves like I don't care. I will pretty much say anything about myself For the sake of human connection now in some ways that's a beautiful thing because we do connect with one another through Vulnerability right like think about a time when you're at a party or something and maybe the vibe in the room is a little tense And then somebody made a vulnerable joke or told a vulnerable story

Next thing you know the room is moving different it feels different people are connecting more it's it You know kind of avail was lifted things are a bit more clear. There's a bit more connection happening like

“That's how it is you know like think about the first vulnerable conversation you had with your best friend and how that was the moment that you both”

Really truly connected for the first time or a romantic partner the list goes on you know like Vulnerable conversations are how we connect with other people you're not connecting with people over small talk you're not and so

You know it's it's a crucial ingredient in my opinion in

Any sort of meaningful conversation or relationship right vulnerable conversation storytelling it meeting to one's shortcomings the list goes on right That's how we connect with each other now that's a beautiful thing the worst wonders However, it's also really scary, you know even though I'm someone who's unbelievably comfortable talking about almost literally anything and everything Like there are also things where I'm like that was a private story, you know what I mean? I told that person because I wanted that person to know but I don't necessarily want everyone to know that like even I have my limits

As a complete open book, you know there are just certain things where I'm like no I'm good I want to be more Sparing with that and This is just the nature of friendship right you

“Share vulnerable sensitive information with one another to get closer and that's what differentiates you with your friends and you with a stranger”

You know what I mean you tell your friends Your deepest darkest secrets right you're not telling a stranger your deepest darkest secrets unless you're drunk And there's a certain like vibe happening sometimes if you was good to tell a stranger your deepest darkest secrets and by the way

I don't always think that that's wrong

Sometimes that's actually a safer option because those people don't know The people in your circle, you know what I mean is actually kind of like a vault of sorts But anyway, I understand this anxiety because not only am I a super open book meaning that I will probably share more than the average person Putting me in a more vulnerable position than the average person but on top of that. I'm also an incredibly anxious person I'm an overthinker. I am a bit obsessive at times and so I'm sort of set up for failure here because those two qualities

Definitely clash right because over sharing or not even over sharing but being vulnerable makes you Put you in a position where you're a little bit out of control and being anxious makes you crave control The problem is that you feel out of control so those traits of mine definitely clash so I really relate to this feeling

But the first thing I want to say which I already really said is that

Unfortunately this is sort of an inevitable part of friendship right You are going to share vulnerable stories. You are going to talk about things that you don't talk about with other people You are going to share a sensitive information. That's a huge part of friendship

Someone that you no longer want to spend time with has sensitive information about you right they know things about you that other people don't know

“This person's about to become a stranger to you again and they know things about you that are sensitive to you”

The nice thing about strangers usually is that they don't know anything about you You don't know anything about them and that's exactly how it is It's a little bit awkward. It's a little bit weird. It's a little bit uncomfortable. It's a little bit Unnerving when there's a stranger that knows a lot about you. You know what I mean? That's uncomfortable And that is sort of the situation when you stop being friends with somebody they're about to go back to being a stranger

But this time they know a lot about you. That is not great. That doesn't feel great because The trust is sort of gone. The allegiance is gone. The loyalty is gone. There might even be some hurt feelings That's the scariest part. Is this person mad that we're not friends anymore? Are they going to go Tell everybody about the time I ship myself at my birthday party and then

broke up with my boyfriend and then broke my kneecap and then threw up are they going to tell everyone about that because they're mad? Maybe he they might. In fact, they probably will. They also might not but they definitely might and that's the hardest part about all this. They definitely might and

This is something I have had to come to terms with. Okay, and it's been really uncomfortable in challenging for me. I've had to accept that in attempt to become close to people in this life. I'm going to tell them stories that then are theirs. You know what I mean? Like I'm I'm giving them a piece of myself in a way and if the friendship doesn't work out,

it is out of my control completely what they do with that. Now I think the first step to handling this

discomfort is to accept the worst case scenario. A lot of times with anxiety, this is the best approach. Accept the worst case scenario. Okay, what's the worst case scenario? This person that you're no longer friends with goes out and tells everyone one of your deepest darkest secrets.

“Okay, what is the worst case scenario from that? Does that secret hurt somebody's feelings?”

Is it deeply embarrassing? You know, what is it? And then run through the entire scenario. Okay, if this person goes and they tell everyone this thing about me or this thing that I said or this thing that I did. Okay, well now that's that might be information that's a little bit more public. Okay, if this calls me to action, I need to do something to solve this. Okay, what is my plan? You know, how do I how do I solve this problem? Do I need to call someone up and apologize?

Do I need to just accept the fact that people know something embarrassing about me? Work through the worst case scenario. Find a solution. Create a solution. Make a plan for the worst case scenario. And you'll realize, okay, this isn't great. This is an ideal. This isn't fun, but I could handle this of the worst case scenario. Happens. If me and this person stop being friends and all of my secrets get aired out to the world, which probably won't even happen. Right? Like, yeah, maybe they'll

tell a few people about a few things. Maybe if it's even that interesting to them.

Maybe, but it probably won't even extend out that far. Like it'll probably never even get back to you.

You'll probably never even know that. You'll never even hear about it. It'll probably never be an issue again. But for your own sanity and peace of mind, take it all the way to the furthest degree, the worst case scenario, and then come up with a plan in your head. But I will say, though, too. I'm making people sound bad, right? Like, while they might go around and tell people, yeah, they might tell like, one of their friends, something that you said, one time, maybe.

But like, I feel like for the most part, people really are good, and they don't want to like

“sabotage you. I mean, that does happen. Sure. But it's not super common. You know, I think at”

worse, usually, at worst, usually, you might get gossiped about in like a small circle, but it won't extend outside of that, you know? And who cares about that? Because here's the deal. You can't stay in a friendship just because someone has sensitive information about you. In listen, I've been tempted. I've been tempted. I find that usually what ends up stressing me out is when I've had a heart to heart to somebody about, I don't know, someone else. Okay, not about me. I'm having a heart

heart with somebody about someone else. I'm talking about someone else. Maybe not even necessarily badly, but more like vulnerable, analytically, whatever. I'm talking about someone else to someone that I'm friends with, right? Again, it's not even necessarily talking shit, but maybe just talking about someone else. Okay. In a vulnerable way, for like, not in, yeah, it's not even in a gossipy way. It's just in like a, I'm sharing information about somebody else to my friend, right?

That doesn't really bother me. It's more like, oh, shit. I told this person about, I gave this

person information about somebody else. Now I'm uncomfortable because they know this thing about somebody else and I don't want them to like hurt this person. If that makes sense, that's usually what ends up triggering my anxiety and making me afraid. And so you know what I've had to learn over the years? I really shouldn't do that. And I still am working on that. Like, it's like, we learn what our boundaries are, what we feel comfortable with, what's okay with us, you know,

over the years. And I'm still working on figuring out what I'm comfortable with, sharing with friends, deep down knowing that at some point, we might not be friends anymore. And information that

“we shared in private and in confidence and in a safe environment might not be safe forever, you know?”

Oh, but it's tough because, yeah, you don't know what they're going to do with it. You don't know. They might keep it to themselves forever. They might tell all their friends. They might make a fucking TikTok about it. You don't know. But you cannot remain in a friendship just because you're afraid of the information that they have. You can't do that. You'll torture yourself for no reason, too, because majority of the time the worst case scenario doesn't even come to pass,

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pre-loved and vintage fashion eBay. Things people love. Now back to the episode. Okay, to summarize my advice, because that was kind of all over the place. Number one, I would say distance yourself from the friendship in the most kind way possible to leave the littlest amount of resentment

“possible, right? I think when there's bad blood, there's a higher likelihood of some sort of gossipy”

situation, but also two, that's going to just create more anxiety and discomfort in you. Okay, and number two, learn from this experience and moving forward, have clear boundaries with yourself about what you're comfortable telling friends, knowing deep down that this could happen again, and that's something that I think is an ongoing journey, at least for me. Like, I am still learning what I'm okay with telling friends. And it's really hard not to just tell them everything,

because when your friends, nobody's like, I love you. You're like, my family, like, let me just tell you everything, but this type of shit does happen. Even, but see, I think this is actually a worse situation when it's like not your closest bestest friends in the world, the rather like a friend, but one that maybe you don't trust 100%, it's not like this person's family to you. I think that's the most complicated kind of person in this sort of situation. Like, that's usually when it gets

really stressful. Next, somebody said, I love my friends, but they always want to hang out,

“and I just love my alone time so much. How do I set those boundaries without them thinking I'm rude?”

I don't want them to stop inviting me places, but sometimes I just really need my alone time. Okay, this is not personal, right? This is nothing to do with your friends. You love your friends. You just also sometimes need your alone time, and perhaps your friends have more spare time than you, or they're just more extraverted than you, and so they have more energy to be hanging out more often. Don't even feel guilty about this for a second. You're doing nothing wrong. There's

nothing wrong here. This is so easy, and I'm not saying that to like, to grade your feelings, or to devalue your feelings, or to undermine your feelings. I'm saying this to like give you a sense of peace. My god, this is easy. Okay, it's all about the tone you use when you shoot down a plan. It's that simple. Okay, people get weird, people get but hurt when you're like, oh, man, I can't today. Sorry, no punctuation, no emoji, no reassurance, no nothing, just

straight to the point rejection. That's when people start to get a vibe, and they're like, wait, is this person mad at me? Is this person not like hanging out with me? Does this person not like us? Like, what's the issue? That's when things go wrong. It's when the tone is wrong, but a little bit of extra effort when it comes to communication can go so far. So I'll give you an example. Let's say, all of your friends are going to a carnival, and the group chat gets stirring,

and somebody's like, hey, I'm going to the carnival tonight. Do you all want to come? Like, let's all go. Everyone says, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, in your like, I can't do this tonight. Okay, you could be like, oh, I'm going to skip out send that into the group chat. Or you could

and send me photos so I can live vicariously through you all. You see the difference? Like,

one is like impossible to read. Oh, I'm going to skip out. I'm not going tonight. I'm too tired. That versus OMG, I'm way too tired, but I love you all so much. Send me photos so I can live vicariously through you. Okay, that is the most reassuring text I've ever heard in my life. I might as well just write, wrote a poem. It's so reassuring. You know what I mean? It's borderline. Like,

“it's borderline beautiful, because it's so reassuring. It's all the tone thing. You know what I mean?”

There's like, and you know what, I'm a people, please, or my nature. So I understand this desire to say yes to everything, this fear of like, oh, if I say, no, if I don't show up, people are going to think, I'm upset, or they're going to, you know, whatever. And what I found over the years is if I decline an invitation with love and generosity. Okay, if I'm unbelievably warm,

in the way that I respond, right? I've never once gotten any pushback. No one's ever been like

dude, what? Like, are you like trying to like avoid us or something? Like it just doesn't happen, because just a few little tweaks that provides some reassurance to your friends can work wonders and make it so that you can decline invitations all you want and no one ever takes a personal. Okay, next, somebody said, my ex best friend works in the same small industry as me, and it's very awkward and uncomfortable. How do I share space with her more comfortably? Okay, I think you have

“two options here. Option one, you could just address it directly. Okay, this is such Emma advice.”

This is just what Emma says about everything in regards to relationships. Have a conversation about it, have a conversation about it, blah, blah, blah, blah, Emma is just a broken record. Here I go again, saying the same thing again, have a conversation about it, say your friend down, invite your friend to lunch, invite your friend to coffee, say your friend down to be like, listen, we both know it's going on here. What's going on here? We were friends, now we're not, now we have to be in the same

room all the time. It's a little weird. It's a little uncomfortable, which is not a fun feeling to experience, just comfort is not fun. How do we find a way to co-exist here that is comfortable? Let's work

shopping together. Let's get down to the nitty gritty here and figure out what the solution is

together as a unit. Okay, that's one, that's one option. Have that conversation with your friend, right? And only you two can come up with the perfect solution, right? Because I don't know how often you see each other. I don't know why you stop being friends. You know, I don't know if there's any sort of way of being acquaintances, right? Like chill acquaintances were like maybe you could even have lunch together sometimes at work. Like I don't know if that's even an option. It's just all depends,

“right? But I think having a heart to heart about it and coming up with a solution together can be”

an incredible option that's honestly such a relief to both of you. You know, yeah, I might be a little bit nerve-wracking a little bit uncomfortable for like the first two minutes. But once you get into the conversation, I think you both will be so relieved that you're just talking about it instead of being this unspoken thing. I hate unspoken things. I hate it. Get it all out on the table. My God, what a relief. What a fucking relief. What a relief. And that goes for like so many different types of

social situations in life. Whether it's platonic romantic, having secrets and stuff, it's painful. It's uncomfortable. So much easier just to like say how you're feeling. Obviously, you got to have you got to have tacked in social cues, sure. But I don't know. I think we keep a lot of things a secret. We don't address a lot of things that are sort of uncomfortable or a bit weird. When we could and it would be much more comfortable for everyone involved. Like I think a lot of times

we as humans miss opportunities to make situations that are uncomfortable way less uncomfortable. Option two, if you don't really feel like a conversation is necessary, you don't think it would be helpful or it's the idea of it makes you way too uncomfortable. You can't even fathom it. Perhaps just change your perspective, okay? Perhaps it's weirder or more tense than it needs to be because you're putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Thus giving it this weight in your mind.

Perhaps you're building it up into this thing that it doesn't need to be. You're like, this is so weird. Like we were friends. Now we're not. Now we're working together. We're around each other and we were close and now we're not weird. Maybe it's not that weird. That should happens all the time. You know, maybe if you just sort of change your perspective on it, if you used a bit of mindfulness to work on not overthinking it and you just treat your

express friend with brief politeness and professionalism when you see her, it might slowly just become your new normal. Yeah, it is weird to be besties with somebody and then to become kind of strangers again. Yeah, that is weird. But it is also not that big of a deal and it's also not

conversation about it, you could just change your perspective and be like, wait, and the grand scheme

“of life and things, this is not that crazy. This is not that weird. This is not really anything to”

overthink. Like, yeah, it's a little bit uncomfortable that we're in the same environment, but at the same time, stranger things definitely have happened. You know what I mean? It's not that weird. And if you both just decide to not make it weird, it won't be weird. And you could lead by example in

that and you could do that first, you know? But I would say I would suggest to just have a conversation.

“I think that's a much better option. More enjoyable, easier, less guess work, less overthinking,”

because we're really, you know, trying to change your perspective on the whole thing could actually also in a way make you think about it even more temporarily, right? But that's my suggestion.

“And I wish you luck. Okay, that's it. That's it for today. Hey, thank you all for listening and”

hanging out. As always, it's a pleasure. New episodes of advice session every once in a while,

usually around once in a month these days. You aren't anything goes. Anything goes as anywhere you stream podcasts. I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain. In my coffee company is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you for spending your valuable valuable time with me. It is an honor and a privilege, and I do not take that for granted. And I hope that you know that. I'll talk to you next week.

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