modern dating advice scares me

broadcast. I'm single. I'm a single. And I haven't been single in a long time because I've been in back to back consecutive relationships. And so I'm re-entering the world of dating with almost

a fully formed prefrontal cortex. Okay, when I first started dating, I was 17 years old.

I barely had a brain then. That thing barely worked. I don't think I ever self-reflected.

“I don't think I ever thought any deeper about romantic relationships than do I like this guy?”

Yes or no? Does he like me? Yes or no? Okay, let's date. Yay, like when I started dating, I was the child. Now I'm an adult who still feels like a child sometimes, but who is technically an adult? I feel like this time around being single. I'm committed to learning. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. In the past, when I was single, I was just rushing into my next relationship. And I've really used this single era to do thinking. And to learn about dating

and romantic relationships and love. In listen, I'm scared that I'm going to get into a relationship

sooner than we all expected. And everyone's going to be like, Emma, you said you're going to be single for like a year. And you were only single for like three months. Well, that is the danger

“of having a podcast. That could happen. And we all need to be prepared for it. And I do give you”

permission to say, Emma, are you a hypocrite? I give you permission to some more question me, but I just want you to know that we have ideas about how we're going to do things, how we're going to handle things, and sometimes they turn out a little bit different. Because we can't really predict what life will bring. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Volkswagen. Don't give me wrong. Sometimes I love to be a passenger. Growing up,

I loved sitting passenger seat in my dad's old Volkswagen. Wind in my hair, listening to music, there was something magical and carefree about it. But once I got my driver's license, I've loved being in the driver's seat ever since. Not just in the car, but in my life as well.

“This is from me from Volkswagen and all the other drivers out there. Do it. Grab the wheel,”

get in the driver's seat of life. Visit vw.com to learn more now back to the episode. Anyway, that was sort of a weird defensive tangent. I just went off on, but I went off on that tangent because I've been single for a handful of months now. And already in this time, I feel like I've learned so much more than I could have expected about dating and romance in love. From talking to my elders in my life, people who have more life experience, and analyzing my past situations,

recognizing patterns and just thinking about everything that's ever happened. And it's been a beautiful experience. And at times, a painful one as well. But I will say, now more than ever, perhaps. I'm not saying that as a fact. I don't know for sure. But it feels like now more than ever, it's really hard to find good information about dating. Actually, I shouldn't say it's really hard to find because I actually think there are a lot of great resources to learn about dating and

love in romance, whether it's the elders in your life or it's books written by smart people like it's definitely out there. More so I should say, now more than ever, we're being fed bad dating advice from people who don't necessarily know what they're talking about, you know? And by the way, I fall into the category of someone who doesn't know what they're talking about, right? I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a therapist. You all know and love to remind me that I didn't go to college. Okay,

I'm no genius. However, I try to do the right thing. And that doesn't always work out. I don't

always do the right thing, but I am a person who really cares about doing the right thing and doing things the right way. And when I say the right way, I mean like the way that is the most, feel like the word right is complicated. So I'm trying to figure out what another word could be. I try to do things in the most soulful, morally good way possible. That is a huge priority for me, if not my number one priority. All of this is to say, there's a lot of really bad toxic,

horrible dating advice out there. Not only is there a lot of it, it's popular, and it freaks me out. It freaks me out. And so today I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to go through all of the toxic dating advice that I've personally found on the internet and discuss my thoughts on it. Now,

for the sake of entertainment and fun more than anything. We could go through some of the toxic dating advice that I found online that's apparently viral in TikTok. And we could discuss it together.

“You have to take everything I say with a grain of salt. I don't know what I'm talking about.”

But it's Valentine's Day in two days. I'm wearing pink right now. Let's dig into this. Let's have fun

with it. Okay. The first thing I saw on the internet was sort of this genre of dating content.

That borders on being sort of like witchcraft. It's not witchcraft. But it kind of has like witchy energy. But it more sort of looks like manifestation in like love attraction vibes. But it has witchy undertones. Not that witchy undertones are bad. Just kind of like magic undertones. Things like, for example, reciting affirmations related to the person you want to attract. Like saying Rogers obsessed with me. Roger wants to be with me. Roger is a fictional character.

Roger loves my body. Roger is going to text me tomorrow. Roger reciting affirmations about

what you want to happen. Another example of this would be I saw a video about writing a letter

from the perspective of the lover that you want to have. Like if there's a person that you have a crush on or an ex that you want back writing a letter from their perspective and making it a love letter for yourself. And then there was sort of a ritual of like folding it up and putting it under your pillow and then in theory they're supposed to text you if you do that. Now this is tricky because I do think that there is value in sort of painting the picture of what you want your life

to look like and speaking it into existence in a way like I will be fulfilled by my career one day.

I will find a partner that loves me as much as I love them and we will have a beautiful future

“together and we will grow together. Like I think speaking things into existence that are sort”

of open-ended in a way can be really sort of inspiring to have goals and aspirations into speak about them like they are going to come true as long as the things that are being spoken about are open-ended enough that life can unfold as it may and there aren't too many expectations about how it's exactly going to look. It's one thing to say I will be fulfilled in my career one day. It's another thing to say I will be fulfilled in this exact career at this exact

location in this exact city and my boss will be exactly like this and I will be in my working hours will be exactly this and this might be a controversial take because there are certain people who really believe in manifesting to this extent like manifesting the exact things but see I kind of hesitate to do that because I feel like when you do that you're preventing life from unfolding in ways that you couldn't have even imagined because you're striving for a very specific

reality and there might be another reality that you don't even know about yet that you can't even comprehend yet that could be even better that could unfold even more naturally without force in a way if you just let it happen to you but if you have such specific goals you might miss that opportunity although now we're going down a rabbit hole but I also think that too if you perhaps we're all destined to learn lessons as we're as we're meant to learn them and so if it's part of

your journey to manifest a very specific outcome and then get disappointed that might then lead you to

“what you needed to discover you know who knows right but I just I think manifesting something”

someone very specific sets you up for disappointment I fear perhaps the way that I would choose to manifest somebody would be instead of manifesting a specific person instead of hoping that they text me instead I would manifest in general finding a reciprocal love and partnership that inspires growth that allows your life to unfold in the way it's supposed to because the person that you're manifesting might not even be good for you you know what I'm saying and so if you're manifesting

someone because you're in love with them you might be manifesting somebody bad for you whereas if you manifest in general a healthy, happy relationship and you don't have super specific expectations about what that outcome looks like I think you'll have a much easier time letting that into your life and allowing your life just to unfold but the thing is like I understand

I myself am a control freak okay I am a control freak I like knowing exactly what things are

going to be like and I'm the type of person that will get set on someone and say this is my person and that is the end of it I've even been tempted to write like do shit like you know write a letter from the perspective of the person who I want to love me back and put it under my pillow and

“then they text me but it's like you have to wonder is that a person you want to be with somebody”

that you have to like borderline do like a spell on to make them love you back no we want people to love us especially somebody we're gonna be with we don't want to have to fight for that necessarily we shouldn't have to manifest to that extent we should be able to communicate with them and say hey

I feel this way how do you feel okay you don't feel the same way oh fuck well that sucks bad but

that is just a sign to me that I need to move onward and if this person comes back later great if not it wasn't meant to be it's such a hard thing to do it sucks it's so painful and it's so tempting to like just be like well I'm gonna manifest this one person who doesn't want me to want me you know but I think that is going to just lead to further heartbreak the sooner you can instead choose to manifest whatever the bigger picture is for you the sooner you'll be relieved

from the pain like to me it's like doing these types of witchy things I don't I don't know maybe I'm being offensive by calling it witchy because it's it may be this type of manifestation style to me is just gonna probably lead you to another disappointment we're now you're feeling even more discouraged okay moving on another piece of modern dating advice wait a long time before responding to text make them sweat and worry it will make your response to the text so

satisfying that they become sort of addicted to you because it creates uncertainty and intermittent reward which activates the brain's dopamine system okay no I I cannot with games I games like this to me are exhausting if somebody waits a day or two to text me back and I'm on my phone and I see the text come in you want to know how long I'm waiting to respond to that text zero minutes I'm responding immediately there have been times in my life where I've played the game a

little bit I've waited if they waited an hour I've waited two hours you know it's kind of common dating practice nowadays I don't care I'm not playing hard to get I'm not playing any fucking games because if I'm gonna be in a romantic situation a romantic relationship I do not want games so I don't want to participate in any sort of psychological game because I want to show whoever I'm talking to out the gate that that's not what we're doing you know what I'm saying

“and honestly I think it's kind of a power move to be like I'm confident enough in myself”

to respond to you immediately I don't need to psychologically torment you I'm confident what I bring to the table enough that I am just going to respond to you when you text me I'm going to respond to you whenever I feel like it and listen sometimes you get a text and you're like oh I'll handle that later great sometimes you get a text and you're like oh I want to respond to that right now then you respond to it right then it's like if you start off on the wrong foot in a

relationship playing games and doing this or that that will continue into the relationship and I I don't want that type of relationship you know I want something comfortable safe warm there's something about waiting to respond to a text that feels cold it feels it doesn't feel like love you know and I understand the courting phase is an important time when you're feeling each other out in your and you don't want to come off too strong you don't want to come off too available I get it

and yeah like there's definitely some value and like if you receive a text waiting 10 minutes and thinking about your response sometimes too sure but intentionally being like I'm not going to respond to you days because I want to drive him nuts that's not it's cold energy it's cold energy

“and it's also kind of inhumane honestly I mean maybe that's extreme but like treating other”

people like psychological test experiments like that's not nice I do believe that what we put out into the world is what we receive to an extent I mean I think it's not that simple of an equation

but I think it's like you don't get away with that it's what my dad always tells me he's like you

will not get away with anything like you if you do something wrong you will pay a price I mean that's the golden truth treat others how you'd like to be treated do you want to be ignored for two days and treated like a psychological experiment no I would be shocked if a healthy relationship ever came from games like that maybe maybe if those were ultimately shed after the courting phase

avoid games like this I do think you have to be secure in yourself to a point if I don't feel

“good about myself then I feel like the only way that someone's gonna like me is if I play games”

if I fuck with their head I think it should be a clear sign if you're waiting to respond to a text that you don't think highly enough of yourself you're you're better than this you're great what do you bring to the to the table I bet you bring more than you give yourself credit for and if you feel like you don't bring anything to the table then that becomes your next assignment what would make you feel like you bring something to the table in a relationship you know what I mean

listen I have confidence issues all the time but I I think I do have a security in myself enough to a point where it's like okay you know what I do have my more service level sort of confidence issues but deep down to my core I do know I'm a good person and I know I'm a good partner I'm not a perfect person I'm not a perfect partner but like I think I'm a good girlfriend that gives me the confidence to

“it be like you know what I'm not gonna play any games I'm just gonna respond immediately no worries”

okay next next piece of modern dating advice this is called bread crumming it's kind of like waiting two hours to respond to a text waiting two days to respond to a text but on a broader scale bread crumming is avoiding commitment refusing a label being like oh no like you know we don't need like we're not ready for that yet or oh I just I'm not in a place in my life for that right now like it's just not quite right it's avoiding commitment in sending mixed signals so saying like

oh I'm not I'm not able to commit right now but then like being super flirty with you giving you a lot of compliments maybe even like having sex with you but then being like oh but I can't commit and also giving attention that's flirty romantic whatever and then kind of disappearing for a while and then coming back and doing the same thing again and then disappearing being super inconsistent

“across the board nothing adds up nothing makes sense this is called bread crumming and I guess it's”

called bread crumming because this kind of behavior causes the other person to question how they really feel and they'll start to doubt themselves and crave the bread crums of affection and approval more it's it also activates the dopamine system it's like when something's inconsistent when you receive it it feels so much better than when you have a steady source of it again I think I hold a similar sort of feeling about this that I do about waiting to text it's like

this is very effective and I know that because I've been bread crumbed many times in my life

I've never bread crumbed like I've never been the one to do this to somebody but it has absolutely

happened to me and I know the feeling it drives you nuts nuts and when they give when they give you what you've been craving it's like you for it okay but it is kind of unethical it's unethical it will make the person think that they're so in love with you that they couldn't live without you because there's a psychological thing happening that's kind of addictive in a way that a healthy relationship isn't because a healthy relationship is steady and it's constant and it might be tumultuous at

times because of course you have two people together working together that's always going you're going to hit your off patches that is inevitable but it is constant even in the rough patches in a healthy relationship you trust that they're there you know they're behavior on a daily basis proves to you that they show up for you they choose you every day they love you the bread crumming will drive the other person nuts to the point where they are in a state of delusion it's just

it's so bad who wants to be in a relationship where these types of games are going on where the relationship is relying on psychological tricks really who wants to be in a relationship that's rooted in like evil psychology that is so sad and it won't last if you're the one doing the bread crumming you're going to end up really fucking with this person's well being and they will ultimately probably leave you eventually or you'll leave them and it'll and everybody will be worse off it's

just bad it's just bad news next piece of modern dating advice never let them know how much you like

them remain mysterious while dating and even into the relationship it makes them more obsessed with you and keeps you safe from vulnerability and rejection oh no I mean listen I get I get the temptation because I have always been afraid of rejection and I've always done anything I can to avoid it that goes for all types of relationships platonic and romantic you know I've never been the type to initiate hanging out with friends I've always been too scared of being rejected would if they're busy

in romantic relationships in the past I've never been the one to make the first move I've avoided

initiating vulnerable conversations I won't show romantic interest until they show me romantic interest I won't say I love you until they say I love you and in certain relationships you know those tendencies have relaxed more so and like more recent ones in my life like when I was younger earth I mean no like it was really hard for me as I've gotten older it's gotten easier and easier and now I think I'm at a place where something clicked in me for some reason now I'm not afraid

anymore I think I'm not afraid anymore because I think I'm not willing to miss out on any sort of well two things I think number one I don't want to miss out on any opportunities in my life

“because I'm scared to me that is a shame if like what do you have to lose by being vulnerable”

with somebody like okay worst case scenario they don't feel the same with you towards you okay well

at least you put it all out on the table if they're not into it you can sleep at night knowing you did everything you could what if I don't express my feelings to somebody and then they move on because they think I'm not interested you know what I mean like the the risk of that to me has grown to outweigh the discomfort that comes with being rejected and so now I'm not afraid to tell people how I feel because the other thing is it's not fun to have a secret I hate the feeling

of having a secret I hate holding on to that it prevents me from doing other things in my life that are enjoyable it makes me too introspective it makes me it makes me obsessive about the secret like I just can't handle it so I have I have to get it off my chest you know once it's once in my gut I know it's ready to be set out loud I say it out loud and I risk being rejected and again what's

“the worst thing that could happen I get rejected okay then what well it's the outcome is no different”

whether you say it out loud or they just stop responding to you you're getting rejected either way so you might as well say it so that you don't regret not saying it and then there it is but especially in relationships we what being mysterious in a relationship I think is not the right approach I think there is something to be said for not overexposing yourself to your partner like you don't want to spend too much time together you don't want to know too much about each other you want to do

stuff separately you want to have separate lives still and that's very hard to do because it can be very tempting to hang out with your partner especially if they're like your best friend and they should be it's like why don't we hang out every day well if you do that you'll learn why you shouldn't do that I've made that mistake before because you get kind of sick of each other you get overexposed and it kind of does the romance there is romance in a bit of mystery but the mystery shouldn't come

from intentional hiding of one's feelings I don't think it should come from having separate lives having separate friend groups having separate hobbies perhaps and coming together at the end of the day most days and being able to share those experiences and stuff like that and not being overexposed to one another you know that's where the mystery should come from not from withholding emotion and feelings I don't like that moving on this episode is brought to you by eBay we all have

that one piece you know the one the thing that's so you you've basically become known for it

and if you don't have yours yet you'll find it on eBay let me put you on people eBay is where you'll find those one of a kind can't stop researching stay up dreaming about pieces again and again I'm talking about that off the runway red leather armor that you've had your eye on the trendy top with the cowboy on it or that sleek fleece from the 2017 color way all of these finds are on eBay they even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee eBay is the

place for pre-loved invented fashion eBay things people love now back to the episode the next piece of modern dating advice be the best sex they've ever had the idea is if you're the best sex that they've ever had then you're impossible to reject and you'll be irreplaceable at the end of the day we love sex not everyone but most people sex really controls us yeah I have a lot of feelings about this number one how how are you supposed to be the best sex someone has ever had how is that even accomplished

how do you even know what are you even supposed to do like what does that even look like I imagine what this would mean is like go full performance on it you know what I mean like a show

“that's what I imagine you know like doing the most watching you know certain types of videos”

taking notes and being like I'm gonna do exactly this I'm gonna make it like a movie

to do that but I do think if it's coming from an inauthentic place from a place of insecurity being like

I don't feel like this person is gonna choose me unless I find a way to be irreplaceable to them

“and the only way I can think of is by giving them the best sex of their life to me that will ruin”

the sex and listen I'm no sex genius in fact I probably need like I don't know because I've struggled with the vulnerability of sex for a long time I think I'm turning a corner but it's been very challenging for me because to me there's nothing more vulnerable than sex and so the idea of being rejected in some way during something like that like I can't handle it it actually makes me spiral and I actually know where this stems from an experience in high school where I was

making out with a guy and he stepped back looked at me and walked away like kind of disgusted at me because I wasn't a good cancer apparently yeah that traumatized me and so ever since then it's been very hard for me because I'm scared of me having sex and then somebody standing up and looking at me disgustedly in walking away like that's how my brain works because of that one experience it was

“so traumatic I don't know why well I do know why because that's a traumatic event I think anybody”

would not react well to that but the little that I know about sex is that it is best when it is almost like just flowing out of you at least for me in my experience and again I imagine it's very different for everybody but in my experience I think the beauty of it the reason why it's such a beautiful thing is because it has the potential to completely like almost in a drug like way

take you out of reality for a second and you're in almost a flow state like you don't even

you're transported somewhere else you can just escape into it and let it flow out of you I think it is its best when it's just flowing out of you and I think most things in life are like this like creativity is like this you know forcing creativity is challenging a lot of times the best creative output is an output that just flowed out of you because it needed to because you had something you needed to say through art because you were in a rough place and you needed to make art to help

sue the you because you're feeling really calm and you just feel drawn to making art you know whatever it may be like I think the best things just flow out of you and I think art insects in this way are very similar it's best when it just flows out of you and so I think the idea of going into sex with somebody being like I'm going to make this the best sex they've ever had I'm going to put on a show I'm going to do the whole they're not even going to know what hit them it's going to be

it's going to be really amazing they're going to think that they're in like in a special kind of

movie with me if that is not coming from an authentic place if that's not just flowing out of you because that's something that you know you enjoy doing I don't think it will work I think the best sex somebody's ever going to have is with somebody that they have genuine chemistry with which is kind of unexplainable like who knows where that comes from both people are just letting it flow out of them and genuine love is present but I will say well but even then I love his present I was

going to say having sex with an axe wow that's that's good and technically you're not together

“but you probably still love each other and that's why it's so good because you love each other so”

much and it's not but you can't have you can't have each other but unfortunately yeah well anyway some moving on um next piece of modern dating advice this is called Shrekking it's a concept called Shrekking named after Shrek the animated ogre in the animated film Shrek you may be familiar with him he's a green monster the concept of Shrekking is to date somebody you consider below your standards somebody who maybe would be perceived as sort of like a Shrek um which is so

so fucked up anyway uh it's dating somebody you consider below your standards because you're out of this person's league you'll automatically have the upper hand in the relationship and be unlikely to get hurt see this one doesn't make any sense to me at all because in order for me to be attracted to somebody I have to admire them in some way now it might be a delusional admiration based on some sort of thing that I made up in my head about them that's not even real but in some

way in one way or another I need to admire them and I definitely don't admire anyone who I perceive to be below my standards so like I don't even know how you mentally show up for somebody who's below your standards in your opinion like I don't even know how to comment on this because I just

that means not to dehumanize anybody but like there's definitely there's like listen if we all

were attracted to everyone then dating wouldn't exist like what would it even be just wouldn't exist um you know everybody has criteria of sorts and everybody's criteria is very different I don't even think I could sit through a date knowing that somebody was not up to my standard so I just

“don't understand this and I think it's not a great idea because I think it's well it's kind of like”

everything about it is wrong it's like it's bizarre because on one hand you're like kind of using somebody you're also like judging them which I mean I guess you kind of have to do when you're dating you do kind of have to judge you're like judging them but then you're also choosing them but you're like choosing them based on the wrong reason now they might get really excited because they're like whoa

like this is a person who maybe I never thought I'd date but then like that's a weird dynamic

that to me feels ikky like now there's oh god everything about it's toxic the more I describe it the more I get kind of repulsed by I really don't like this idea but I'm not repulsed because oh somebody who is great is dating somebody who's less great you I'm grossed out that like there's somebody being perceived as less great like that's a bad way of looking at human beings somebody might not be right for you they might not reach a criteria but seeing them as being below standard being less

than you in dating them because of that and being like Biden can control them and do whatever I want because they're less than me it's like oh that's not good that's not how it works that's not how human that's not how we should look at other human beings other human beings might not match our

criteria but criteria I wouldn't say criteria in standards has to do with someone's value it's more

about specific traits that somebody wants you know like some people might like outgoing people some people might like shy people some people might like sporty people some people might like artsy people like we all just are different and have different things we're attracted to but neither are better or worse but this sort of insinuates that no I'm choosing somebody who is below me

“if that's how you're looking at other people I don't know I mean listen it is kind of one of”

those things where it's like it's kind of an unfortunate reality that we do tend to categorize ourselves into like what value we seem to bring and we do compare one another I don't know but this just is gross to me so let's just move on because I don't I don't really understand it and it just doesn't it seems not nice so in bad like I don't think we should be looking at people like this okay next piece of modern dating advice date them till you hate them the concept is you should

stay in a relationship long enough to build resentment so breaking up feels easier listen I get the temptation to do this I do and I've done this I have done this it's very hard for me to end relationships because I'm a fighter I'm a fighter and I I will push until the very end and I'm not doing it to try to ease the breakup I'm doing it because I want to leave no stones left on

“turn I want to make sure I did everything I possibly could to try to resolve the issues and try”

to give it a fair chance and see if there's growth opportunities in the challenges but eventually the issues prove themselves to be sort of unsolvable at least for the time being and then it's time to do a split but I tend to push it to the very last minute I don't think there's anything wrong with trying until it absolutely will not work anymore and that's been proven to the both of you but to intentionally do that because you wanted to hurt less like that that seems like

a waste of time like if you already know that you're done they already know that they're done and you're just kind of hanging out growing resentment until it's absolutely unbearable I would actually argue that you're delaying the healing process like every day that you're together is one more day that you're going to have to practice being alone after that like you know what I'm saying like the sooner you're alone the sooner that you recalibrate your brain post breakup because

that's kind of a thing that happens it's like your brain kind of goes through this like weird phase of like your anxious and your sad and you're feeling pain and you're grieving it and all this up and it's really overwhelming the sooner that you ripped the band it off and go through that period the sooner you'll start rebuilding your life waiting around and building resentment doesn't really I would argue I don't think it erases that period of time where you're going to be feeling like

shit like you're still going to feel like shit it might be a little bit more sad in the moment but at least you guys can leave it still respecting one another if you take it to a point where you hate each other that might be easier in some ways but also harder in others because hating people hating people doesn't feel good I mean listen this is a dangerous thing to say or not dangerous but

years down the line who knows you could maybe become friends five years down the line who knows like

“I just think it's always better to like leave things in a good place okay next the concept of monkey”

branching okay this is a genius term for this monkey branching is before breaking up with your partner finding your next love interest having someone lined up this way it'll be painless now when we all

love to do this I've never done this however I've almost done it in a way because I've always been

somebody who's moved on to my next relationship somewhat quickly after my last one I've never once had somebody lined up but I have met people shortly after breaking up with one person now let me tell you what happens at least in my experience you're gonna sabotage your next relationship because having no time to recalibrate in between could make you miss your ex more make you obsess over your ex more because you didn't have any time to center in between and find yourself and gather yourself

before getting into the next thing you didn't have any time to grieve to lay in bed at night and remember the good moments you didn't have any time to do that and now you're in another relationship and doing

“that is weird and it's inappropriate so it's something that you have to suppress in yourself and you”

know what that suppression is gonna cause obsession obsession about the ex it'll backfire I think it will backfire I mean listen it's such an ideal oh my god sounds amazing to have someone else lined up oh what a dream I would love that oh my god it sounds great but now I don't think it works like that you won't get to process and until then you break up with that partner that you monkey branch too not until then will you be able to process that other ex and then now you have two exes to process

listen don't do that but the name monkey branching or the term monkey branching is so funny like swinging from one vine to the next and as you're swinging from one vine to the next you have to hold onto the next one and you're holding the last one and then you let go it's so genius whoever came up with that name obsessed that's like a genius genius vibe next piece of dating advice modern dating advice to be specific love should be easy and if it isn't leave this is at least in my opinion

unrealistic and also pointless the whole point I feel like I've said this so many times on this podcast it'll keep it nice and snappy okay in my opinion relationships are the most deep fulfilling rich beautiful when they inspire growth when both members of the relationship are pushing one another to grow and how does that push happen through a little bit of conflict through a little bit of tension through a little bit of challenge and now I'm not saying like scream fighting you know like

no I'm talking about challenging one another I'm talking about disagreeing sometimes I'm talking about confronting one another when they've been in asshole like not even as early in asshole to the point where it's like oh that's too much of an asshole we're all asshole sometimes you know we can all be a little snappy sometimes that push and pull that kind of dynamic pushes both people to grow because in order to stay together you gotta grow through it grow through it you gotta grow through it

what is the point of relationship that's easy like nothing they always say you know nothing

good is easy here something I don't know that sounds wrong but you could the idea but see it's tricky because also like love shouldn't always be challenging though either you know majority of the time should be fun should be enjoyable and if it's not then there is an issue it's a balance and I don't know if there is any at least in my experience like I don't know exactly the percentage

“like well 70% of the time it should be fun and 30% of the time you should be challenging one another”

you know like I don't know I just don't think it's realistic for love to feel easy all the time you know that assumes that no one's gonna go through a hard time in the relationship that no one's gonna have a grumpy week no one's gonna question the relationships sometimes like these are all normal things that if you can grow through together will make you stronger together I think you know love should feel easy is just yeah it feels a little bit unrealistic

if you're in a relationship where nothing ever comes up and it seems too good to be true

I would argue it probably is because I've had that happen I had a relationship where I never

fought once and you want to know why we never fought because we didn't even know each other oh that's not good you know we didn't fight because we didn't know anything about each other we didn't talk about stuff enough we didn't like get into shit we didn't cry in front of each other we didn't we didn't express our stress as our anxieties to each other we didn't open up about anything we were just surface level the whole time and it was not nearly deep enough to be satisfying but we didn't

fight or about heads or ever have any issues but we still broke up and I still to this day don't even know really why we broke up because it's like cause we never talked so anyway um okay next next piece of modern dating advice the cheating test this concept is so fucked up message your significant other from a fake account with like a hot profile picture or whatever

why don't you trust them get to the bottom of that that is what you need to get to the bottom of

and if you know that they're a cheater and it's driving you nuts because you're like oh I forgave them because they cheated on me once I'm scared that they're gonna do it again I believe

“it's maybe they're just not right for you you know what I mean if you have to go to this”

extent to like ease something in your mind there is a big issue this should be beep beep beep something's going wrong I need to figure out what is going wrong whether it's you have trust issues from a past relationship or you don't trust your partner for some reason because they do sus things or you maybe are super anxiously attached and you need like reassurance or something I don't know listen but you got to dig into it listen I get it in love we can sometimes get into a weird

state where we start doing stuff that is a little bit obsessive stuff that we wouldn't normally

do stuff that is honestly out of character because love is like a drug and it kind of puts you in a weird place and so you might start doing weird things and it can be easy to justify in the moment but in my opinion if you are participating in the cheating test you need a reality check and that's not an insult that's just like hold on a minute what's going on here you're all wrapped up in this so much so that you're doing something a little bit weird zoom out go for a walk outside take a

deep breath why are you doing that open up the journal crack it open start writing shit down why you doing that and see what you discover but let me tell you there is a solution to whatever your issue is with your partner that is much more reasonable and much more respectable than what you're doing not to insult you because I get why you're doing it because it's tempting sometimes few suspicions if you feel insecure but you love your partner so much you're like I just need to test

“them and make sure no you don't you need to talk to a therapist you need to break up with them”

you don't need to make a fake account I mean I don't know how many people are doing that and again I'm not judging you if you're doing that I'm just saying that you that's a big alarm bell in last but not least I've discussed this before but had to put it on the list because it's modern trendy dating advice it's okay to look through your partner's phone if you have any doubts about your partner's loyalty go through their phone and see what you can find this is like a milder version

of making a fake account and seeing if your partner cheats that's a little bit too diabolical going through the phone I still I do some people may disagree with me I do see it as a breach of privacy now here's a tricky thing though if you don't trust your partner to the point where you want to check their phone you either do not trust them to a point that in my opinion warrants a breakup or you have personal issues that are so severe that you can't be a partner that respects

your partner's privacy listen like I don't want my partners going through my phone because sometimes I want to text my mom and be like someone's those pissing me off

“and someone argue like well you shouldn't be having those conversations with your mom you should be”

having those conversations with your partner yeah but I mean human being or sometimes I want to text my friend and be like oh man like you know my ex from five years ago just did this I just saw it it's so crazy like and I don't need necessarily my partner to see that like it's okay I think

to have a little bit of privacy call me crazy I personally believe in that I've never went through

a partner's phone and I've never even been tempted to be honest because it feels so wrong to me and if somebody wants to see something on my phone I'll just show them but yeah I don't know it just it feels sneaky and it doesn't feel like love to me and that's my opinion but again some people might disagree with me I know a lot of people think it's okay I don't but also I know that there are like I've heard so many stories that people being like thank god I checked my partner's

phone because they were cheating on me and there was a bunch of proof and when I hear stories like that I'm like fuck like maybe it's not a bad idea I don't know it's really tricky to me it's a bridge of privacy it's kind of disrespectful to me to me kind of disrespects the relationship if you don't trust your partner to tell you about the conversations that they're having and who they're talking to and who they're hanging out with and stuff like that if you think you need

to check their phone to see what they're doing why are you together like that that's a red flag and checking the phone isn't going to fix it anyway that's all I got for today um if you're listening to this when it's uploaded happy early Valentine's Day um I hope you have a beautiful Valentine's Day and if you don't have a Valentine lined up consider me your Valentine and I'll consider you mine because I don't have one at least at the time of recording this

although things change and I record ahead of time so maybe maybe you guys maybe Emma has a little Valentine probably not no wait I shouldn't say that I just knocked on wood I think I will have a Valentine this year perhaps I'm recording this ahead of time enough that I might have a Valentine uh not a solid one but maybe a little crush that could be a Valentine or something

gonna happen so I'm just gonna you know but either way whether I end up finding a Valentine or not

“you're still my Valentine and I'm still I'm still yours happy Valentine's Day my love”

you're beautiful um now you really are though that's all for today's episode I hope you enjoyed it

if you did new episodes of anything goes every Thursday watch on Spotify YouTube listen anywhere

“on social media at anything goes I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain my coffee company exists”

in this called Chamberlain coffee check it out if you want I love you all I appreciate you all it's

always a joy I'll talk to you next week love you happy Valentine say ma love you bye