Armchair Anonymous: Animal Attack III

I'm Dax Shepherd, I'm joined by Monica Padman. - Hi. - Hi. - Today we have Animal Attacks, part 3. - So, these are scary.

- Yeah, Animal Attacks are very scary. - They're scary and it's validating. - Yeah, and we got a monkey one which I love. - There's one that involves an animal that I also have had some issues with this year.

- Uh-huh. - So it, you know, I just feel validating. - You feel validated, yeah, yeah, it's seen. - I feel seen. - Go, too.

Please enjoy Animal Attacks, part 3. (upbeat music) ♪ Coming, go, good times ♪ ♪ Take 'em slow, my life ♪ ♪ I had 'em move, remember one day ♪

♪ You got to know, I'm a monkey from a shiny ♪ - Hi. - Is this a Laura? - Hello, it is. - Of course, it's Laura, but my mother had a client

her name's Laura, and he always called her Laura.

- Okay, I pronounce mine Laura, so not even Laura. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, different. - Where are you? - I'm currently sitting in Canada, but I'm from Delaware.

I'm at the scene of the crime.

“- Oh, you are, you're returning to heel some past trauma?”

- For sure, for sure. - No, it's for a friend's bachelor at party, but I made that friend through this story. A lot of connections. - Delaware's our tiniest state, yeah?

- Second smallest, I think Rhode Island's number one. - Oh, congratulations, Rhode Island. But it's a teensy little fellow, right? - She's small, everybody knows everybody. I can name every high school in the state.

- Wow. - Oh, really? - Aubrey Plaza, one of the only famous people from Delaware did act in classes with her. - Oh, I know.

- Oh, I know. - She was always cool. - Oh, he's cool.

- Yeah, he's always cool.

- Yeah, he's always cool. - Yeah, yeah. - They sure are. - Okay, what is very cool is to be attacked by an animal? - Yes.

- Tell us about your animal attack story. - Well, let me set the scene. I was a wilderness canoe trip leader for years in Canada. This particular trip was one of the harder trips that the camp led, and I was given a group

of 10, 14 year old boys in me. - Oh boy. - What age were you? - 20, probably, horrible ratio though. And this particular day was gonna be a doozy.

Like we had to wake up at 5 a.m. we were gonna be paddling until 9 or 10 p.m. But we knew the end of the day was gonna be this section of creeks and portages, just like six portages, six creeks. The creeks were really short

in between the longer portages. And so it was exhausting. So I knew we needed to get there early. And so before we started this system of creeks and portages, we were like everybody fill up your water jugs

in your water bottles because once you get onto it, it's like muck, like it smells bad, there's beaver dams, there's nowhere you can fill up your water. So this is probably taking us five hours to get through these.

And we're at the second to last one.

Everybody's out of water, everybody's exhausted, it's a hot day. We get to the end and there's a couple of coming up to us. And they're like, hey, there's a moose out there. It's really cool. And we're like, oh great, wonderful.

We come out that end and this moose are huge. I actually was like, this is the size of an elephant. Wow.

“So we look out and we're like, oh, this is cool, right?”

At first, by the way, into tired body is blocking the creek. Like head on one end of the bank and butt on the other end of the bank. So we can't paddle. Is it a bowl or a female, do you know?

It was a female relevant later in the story. So we're admiring, having a good time. Okay, 10 minutes of admiring turns into 20, 30, 40. Now it's been an hour. It's probably eight, 30.

Everybody's dehydrated. We are one poor touch away from being done the day and on a lake where we can fill up our water. And the boys are starting to go from like, blah, like, what the heck?

This is your fault, whatever. Like joking around to like silence. Now I'm worried. People are really dehydrated and we have to get out of here. And so we had a bear horn to scare bears away

if they came onto your campsite. We can't move until it moves. So air hornet looks up at us, looks back down, doesn't care. So I'm like, this is no mess. Now it's probably been an hour and a half.

Still eating, chilling, and not moving. Oh, yeah. So I see there's like a rock. And I'm like, let me just climb up that rock and look out, survey the land.

And see if there's any other way to get around this moose.

“And so I see what I think, like, if this is the creek”

and then there's a big thing of land, grass, marsh, and then it looks like another little creek pathway around that you could circumvent the moose. So we're like perfect. I've got the solution.

Get everybody in the boats. The kids are freaking out. The kid in my boats starts to cry because to do this, we have to pass the moose pretty close. And you could like reach out with the paddle to the moose.

Oh, boy. Start doing that paddle. It doesn't really care about us. Doesn't really look, we get over. Once we start doing this paddle, I realize that it's like

I'm up, you're sticking your paddle in and heaving the canoes forward, but it's not thick enough to stand in. So if like a kid tried to walk in it, he'd say, I was afraid of a drone because you can't swim through it.

is going to be really hard. So I'm like, okay, there's a land that I can like, leap to myself. So I'm going to try that. So I leap on to the shore.

And as soon as I do it, I'm like, I don't know about this. Like it's giving moose home. Oh, no, a lot of moose poop on the ground. And it's a female. So I'm like, what if there's a calf back here?

Moose are super territorial. These thoughts are kind of happening. And as I'm having them in the calmest voice, you've literally ever heard a 16 year old do. He was like, hey, Laura, now I was like, yeah,

he was like, um, the moose is attacking us. Oh, my God. Turn around. Moose is running. No, no, it doesn't sprint at us.

And if you will picture with me for a second,

I'm standing on the land in all of the campers are in boats in front of me. This is worst case scenario as a leader. Like, you got to be the one that gets attacked. And yeah, you can survive on the land.

Moose have bad eyesight. But if they all get attacked and they get into the water, like, it's over. Oh, the drone was rushing so quickly. I really don't know how I managed to do this.

But leave back into the boats all the way to the front leader boat, getting pulling the bear spray, which is like, mace times 10. I couldn't think of this in the moment, but afterwards I realized the wind was pushing out of,

sort of mace myself and all of that. Hey, birds, if I had actually done it, but I didn't, I was like holding it like a gun. It comes up to a stop stead, okay? It's like breathing out really loudly.

I could pet its nose, so close to us. It's called like a hovel out. We're staring at each other. And I'm like, oh my God, in this moment,

I don't know this is true 'cause I can't read a moose to stop.

But I was like, in this moment, it's deciding if it's gonna genuinely kill us or walk away. Yeah. If they had one foot in the boat, he could have flipped the boat and the kids would have drowned.

If we cannot swim in this water, we were in, but you'd stick down into it. Your brain works in strange ways when you're going through this. I remember in this moment staring at this moose, when my mother was training our dog back in the day,

“was like the best way to train a dog is you'd alpha-mail it.”

Like you stare it in the eyes, do an out-blank, do an out-blank away, just stare it at it until it puts its head down and walks away. So in this moment, I'm like, I'm gonna alpha-mail this shit out of this moose.

(laughing) That's the only option I have right now. I stare at it, it stares at me. I don't know how long it lasted could have been forever. Out of the corner of my eye, two of the boys,

paddles in the air, like they're about to start beating it. Oh, no, boys put the paddles now. Right, 100% two of the boys feet in the water. I'm like, do not do that. Boy and my canoes sobbing.

And this one kid we had from Spain, totally oblivious all the time, was like, you guys look a frog over here. And I was like, there's a fucking moose. Oh my God.

Eventually it looks down and walks away. So I'm like, I ever made a freaking out, right? The paddle is fast as we can to this next lake. And the real moral of the story is we go back to the summer camp. 13 age boys.

So they start exaggerating the story and telling all these insane things. And so by my last year at the summer camp, I had this little boy come up to, he's like, probably seven, come up to me and be like,

you're that girl that killed a moose with its bare hands. It's hard. (laughing) I was like, yeah, that was the end of the day. So if anybody's listening,

I guess I'm making myself sound less cool. The fact that you just held your position is warrior stats, I mean, the head on that thing is bigger than this coffee table. I mean, just so enormous, they get to 1,800 pounds.

- Oh, they're enormous. - Did you have any pedal in your slacks when this was all over? - 1,000%. And they also have you heard of this concept of tracker bears

“where they will hunt you basically and kill you and those boys?”

- No, tell us about tracker bears. - Everybody's so afraid of them up there, especially the kids, but you'll see them once a day. And you'll be like, is that the same bear? And it's like following you?

- Oh, it took us a doll to hunt you. - They should call it stalker bear, not tracker bear. - That is not a concept with moose, but all of them are like, we're gonna have a tracker moose.

This is gonna find our campsite. We're gonna get murdered. So I spent the whole night away trying to go for it. - Oh, we have a horrible job. - I'm impressed, and we need people to do that, but wow.

- Well, everyone should continue doing it. And it's good for kids. - That's what I mean. - There's like a teenager out there protecting pre-teens. (laughing)

- I know, so you're doing such a good job. I'm in pride. - I don't know, I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have capital over there, if we had waited another 30, maybe it would have moved.

- Because everyone was like passing out, basically you were in a bad situation. - It was genuinely scary. I was like, genuinely, I'm gonna lose my life today. - Oh, wow.

“- But these boys thought you were so radical afterwards?”

- Yes, but they told everybody at the camp we killed the moose. So I'm not sure. (laughing) - In investigation by a fishing game.

- Yeah. - What's the situation with mosquitoes and black flies and all that stuff?

- Oh my God, you've never seen anything like it.

Well, I was doing a porters one time with a pink rain jacket on. So many mosquitoes and flies on my wrist. I couldn't see the pink anymore. - No, no, no, no, I'm good. - So bad, but it gets better once you're in like August.

- So you're just up for fun right now. - Yeah, just about show up parties. My friend Rachel's about show up party. - Any porters?

where the camp is run, but we're not doing a canoe trip.

“It's a bachelor party, you know what I have to say.”

- Could I do a quick shout out? - Yeah, yeah. - And I just wanted to shout out my friend Lori, who's like the biggest armchair in the world. And she's got some great stories.

So maybe you'll meet her one day. - Okay, look for it. - My wonderful fiance, Nick, who listens to every episode in the car with me. And my friend Sally and Joe, who's room I'm in right now.

They're craft rooms. - Oh, craft room, that sounds so fun. - Shout out to everyone. We'll have a great time. - Thank you guys so much for so nice meeting you.

- All right, take care. - Bye. - Sarah? - Hi. - How are you?

- Good, how are you guys?

- Could look how many long-flowing dresses you have. - This is my long-hang section. - Oh, I love a long-hang section. - Are you, are you a Stevie Nick's fan? - I like Stevie Nick's, but I mean,

I wouldn't say I'm a super fan. - You kind of have an innocuous question. Everybody likes Stevie Nick's. - Yeah.

“- Do you have a whimsical flowy dress vibe in the summer?”

I turned 50 this year, and yes, I've kind of adopted that. - I just don't care about crap. What I look like, and I just want to be myself and comfortable. - Dress is very in. - You picked a great time to be comfortable,

'cause it's in. - Thank you. - And speaking of Stevie Nick's monica, Taylor, last night at the end. - I was just about to bring it up. - What happened?

- The next one. - The Stevie Nick's. - And Taylor was there and had a shirt that said Stevie Nick. - Oh, she did, oh, that's clever. - Yeah, anyway, thank you for seeing me when you saw that.

- You guys don't know this, but we're all really good friends, 'cause I spend a lot of time with both of you. - No, we do know that, we do know that feeling quite well. - Our parasocial relationships coming tomorrow.

David Sidaris is coming back. - My favorite. - Okay, you have an animal attack story. Where are you in the country? - So I am in Beverly Farms, Massachusetts.

“Now that is 20 miles north of Boston and it is”

what Beverly Hills was named after. - No way! - Explain, tell us that. - So it's fancy. - I just know that President Taft used to vacation here

in this town and that this is where Beverly Hills got. It's named something about the Rolling Hills. I haven't done the full Wikipedia, but shots when I hear it, but this story takes place. In my hometown, which is right next to our five minutes away,

which is Manchester by the sea. - Oh, that's a very sad movie. - I was gonna say permanently make you sad now. They kind of ruined the name. - They did and it's not actually a good reflection

of the town, the town is much more mellow and it's very cheery and a beautiful place to grow up. So this story takes place about nine years ago in April and I am a dog lover, Monica, sorry. - Sorry. - Now people are a poll and I don't like dogs.

Sorry, I don't hate dogs, Monica.

- And I've always had a bunch of dogs

and walking them and taking care of them is just like very therapeutic. It's just one of the loves of my life. So in this particular story, I had my own two dogs and I was also taking care of my sister's dog

and a friend six month old puppy. So because I had four really active energetic dogs, I'm thinking I wanna discharge their batteries early in the morning, taking them for a really good, like off-leash walk, we'll blow it out in the morning

and then they'll rest all day, perfect. It's like kids, which just wanna kinda like tire them out and then they're good. So I take them to a trail in Manchester where I've walked many times before

and it's early in the morning and I'm thinking, okay, like off-leash, I had brought two leashes with me because I only usually had two dogs with me. And we started on the trail

and let me just explain kind of a dynamic. So my sister's dog's fine, this puppy's great. One of my dogs is an English letter and that is the bird hunting dog and these dogs are athletes.

He is amazing. He runs in the woods, checking in with me and all of a sudden I hear him barking really loudly, maybe 150 yards into the woods. And I can't see him, but I can hear him

in very quickly the bark's turn to only what I can describe as the dog screaming. - Oh, oh. - And now I look down and I have three other dogs with me. It felt like it took me two hours to come to this conclusion

but it was probably 10 seconds. And I quickly had a puppy and a larger dog to a tree and I start running through the woods with one dog still following me towards his cries. And I come to a clearing.

I finally find Billy. And now this is New England Woods. It's branches, it's leaves, it's a disaster. And I see Billy in the middle of the clearing are three coyotes just taking turns.

Lunging, grabbing at him. - No. - No. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Billy, he's like a 60-pound dog

who is used for hunt, I mean, he's a good sized dog.

I think then the coyotes where you guys are, the eastern coyotes are definitely like a 50-50 wolf coyote hybrid, so they're big. - Coyote. - Coyote can be anywhere from, I think around 35 to 60 pounds.

And these were pretty big coyotes and there was three of them.

They're going at him and I'm standing there for like one second

and then I'm like, well, I'm not gonna watch this happen. Like I gotta do it, it's like your kid. You're like, I gotta do something, so I run in. And I just grab Billy by the back of the neck and break the blow his tail.

And I'm just dragging him out of the woods and I'm holding him and they're grabbing at his legs. - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - Yeah.

“- And didn't you say you had another dog with you though?”

Did you bring one dog to the scene? - I had one dog with me and he was kinda just staying back which is obviously really smart. - Yeah. - And I'm not playing tug of war with my dog's body and these coyotes.

- Oh my goodness. - And I'm screaming. And this is like one of those moments where you look around, you're like, well, where's the adult? You're like, oh my God, it's me, I'm the adult here. - Yeah.

- So I'm kicking and I'm screaming.

And I finally make contact with one of them

and it kind of like backs off 'cause I kicked it so hard. And another one backs off. So now I've got one kind of following us but not grabbing at the dog and not a big person on five, five. So I'm carrying a 60 pound dog

there's definitely that moment where you're like adrenaline. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I'm dragging him and carrying him and now it occurs to me that I've tied two other dogs to a tree somewhere in the woods.

And I don't know where the other two coyotes went. And I'm like, oh my God, I have to get back there.

“So now I'm dragging Billy, it have him way.”

Just in my arms, blood everywhere, I'm running. And I'm running backwards because if you turn you're back on a coyote, Monica, this is good for you to know. If you turn your back, they chase. If you face them, they stop immediately.

- Normally, you hear like they don't like humans. So if there's like a human in the mix, they'll run away but they're not. - But they're not attacking her. They're after him in my arms.

- She's holding cold cuts, you know. I know. - I know. - And they can just grab a little bit. - Totally.

And so I'm kind of going backwards and turning around every few seconds to keep that one coyote back. And I get to the tree and I see the other two dogs and they're okay. And I quickly unhook leashes like a quality yard sale.

Like everything just got left and I'm kicking dogs. I'm kicking them and screaming. I'm like, go, go, just get out of here as fast as we can. - Oh my God.

“- One of the dogs I unhooked is my dog Remy, who's a big,”

Mississippi Street dog lab. He's just the smartest, coolest dog. And he knew exactly how to handle the situation. He turns around and just starts lunging but not making contact.

And he's lunging and then it's giving me time to kind of like get a little further away with Billy,

who I'm now like basically dragging

on the ground through the leaves, bleeding a mess. And all the dogs are running and finally Remy keeps that coyote far enough back that it stops escorting us out. It was basically escorting us out of its territory. We get to the car, throw everybody in.

I could probably tell you another story about it on authorized situation that it didn't happen. It would be scariest thing. So we get in the car and I call the vet and I'm like, I'm coming in hot.

I don't know what I'm coming in with. Billy's not making noise anymore. The other dogs, the one that was with me, got a big bite taken out of the back of his leg and I'm like, whatever, triage.

He's okay, but we got to get Billy. We get there and I bring Billy in. He's mangle, he's eviscerated. Those coyotes, their job is to kill things as quickly as possible.

So they go for head, neck, soft belly, under the arms. The softest thing is just horned to shreds. They stabilize him, they sedate him and they're like, you know, he's going to need to go to a bigger vet closer to Boston.

So at that point, my husband had come and he had taken the other three dogs. He took them to another vet. They're getting rabies, boosters. I mean, it's a total disaster.

I bring him to the bigger vet and they take him back and they're just like, listen, his intestines are coming out of like, you know, the best. They're like, we don't know what's going to happen. So after hours and hours and surgery,

internal stitching, external stitching, he made it. He came out of it. Oh, I sent you guys some pictures and it's him right after the attack. Oh, he's a sad boy, he's just good boy.

This is so absurd. Those are drains you can see coming out of him and then the last pictures of him with my son. And this one he looks like a wise professor. What he's with here, son.

He's the best dog. He's actually 15 years old now. And I still have Remi, my hero, who kept the coyotes back.

And it was such a crazy story. But I have to say, after I got over the shock of it, it was one of those moments where this horrific thing happens and you make it and you make good decisions and you figure it out.

And afterwards, you're so empowered by it. Like, oh my God, I'm such a battle. I was like, yeah. The nightmare happened and you rose to the occasion. Yeah, and I still take them.

Well, not as much anymore because now they're really old, but I do still take them in the woods all the time. I just now I make a lot more noise when I'm walking

“because I think what we determined after talking”

a lot of different people who know while they said that what likely happened because there were three coyotes

together, which doesn't always happen.

Billy got too close to a den that had pups. And that's what happens in early April. It was just like the perfect storm. We just were too close. He surprised them and I think Monica, what you think

is correct if you make a ton of noise and you're just living your life normally I'm walking. They're not gonna try and take on a person or even a healthy dog. It's just that if one threatens where they have babies,

they have to get rid of the threat. Well, that's funny. You'd point that out because what I was just about to say is I am fascinated by the power of identity. When a woman has decided she's the mother of something,

the breath of what they're capable of just goes up exponentially. - Yeah, absolutely. It was not even a question. I'm going in. It's the worst I can happen.

- Yeah, but you did ducked your baby from that scenario. And you're not going anywhere near by the coyotes. - No.

- It's really impressive.

- I do still have a little PTSD that when I do see a coyote, I kind of get a rapid heartbeat and I'm like, I'm not saying it's like I hate them. You know, you could bring wolf pee with you. It's a deterrent.

I bought a bunch of it. - I bring bear spray. - I'm not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. I might not use it correctly. And then I'll end up blind.

- I don't have a great risk that you'll spray yourself. You'll shoot it up wind and then you're fucked. It's funny, the one photo of him. He just got his head kind of slung low. What he's fresh out of clearly the vet.

This is the exact same look that Frank had when he was gouged from, remember he went under the fence. And then he was trying to come back under and two coyotes were getting them from behind. - Oh, oh.

- Oh, oh. - They had just had the most stunned. They're like paralytic for a while. - Really? - Yeah, like obviously like probably the adrenaline dump

and then afterwards are just like sedated.

“- Well, I think they're so like humble too.”

(laughing) - I mean, most of my dogs whenever they see a coyote they're like, I'm gonna take that ass full. - Like they're so on it. But I think when one gets the better of them

they're like, "Ah, that thing is..." - I didn't know you got down like that. I thought we were gonna like nip-ed each other. - Exactly, totally. - Sniff each other's ass, nip-nip,

and then on her way. - Yeah, I didn't, I thought we were here for a good time. - Oh, we'll Sarah, what a valiant defense. - Thank you. - Do you guys mind if I do some shout-out?

- Oh, we love that, we love a shout-out. - So my family, my husband Tim and my kids Callie and Ben, I have to give them a shout-out because all I ever do is I'm like, "You guys, I have to tell you what that's a monophobic thing to do."

(laughing) - You're poor, family. - And then the two people that introduced me to you guys are my cousin's Kara and Katie. And I'm sure they're gonna submit a story at some point,

but I'm so glad that I found you guys 'cause I have more fun listening to you. - Oh, thank you, thank you, Katie. - Yeah. - Sarah, thank you so much.

I was a great story. - Yeah. - Yeah, thanks, this is fun. - Okay, take care. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye. - Hello, guys. - Hi Darren, where are you? - I live in Kentucky, but I actually,

I'm visiting family in Ireland at the moment. - I was gonna say you do not sound like you got the apple-at-shin drog. - Yeah. (laughing) - Where in Ireland?

- I'm from the west of Ireland. It's a great place to be from.

“- Did you have to pause to let any sheep pass”

as you approached your family's house? - Well, I live on a farm, so there's no shortage of animals around here, so it is very rural as you might imagine. - Yeah, what brought you to Kentucky?

I mean, this is a very famous migration, most of the people in Kentucky are Scott's Irish. Or sure, Kentucky's two signature industries are horses and bourbon, so it's horses that brought me to Kentucky to Lexington.

- Correct. - Oh, no kidding, and what do you do with horses? - I work in sales for a stone farm. - Okay, and without divulging anyone's personal secrets,

I am always shocked when I watch these documentaries.

Some of the fees that these studs reach, right, if they're like Kentucky or maybe winners or whatever, like what's the most expensive horse you've seen sold? - One recently was 10.5 million down in Okala, Florida, for a two-year-old.

- Oh, 10% million for a two-year-old horse. - Oh, two-year-old horse. - They could get a cold and die. It's not like a car that, I mean, it's wild. - I know.

- But how much can that $10 million horse then produce in sperm? - Exactly. The top of the market, studians are starting for a quarter of a million service per mayor,

So you do the math, that's not pretty fast. I gotta get the horse rack it. - I wonder if it was that lady

“who taught me I could play black in Okala.”

- You think it might have been her? - I hope so. - I hope for her that she's thriving with that horse. - Okay, so you have animal attack story. I do, does not involve horses takes place

about 20 years ago in Thailand. - Oh! - You will not stay put. - This is great, that's a little patience. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a James Bond film. - Me and the girl I was dating at the time, let's call her Jill. So we were in the middle of a two-week vacation, having a great time for reference.

It was a buddy year or two after the tsunami hit. So parts of it were still getting back on its feet, but it was still open for business and tourism was in full flight. This story takes place on KoPP, which is obviously a beautiful islands off the coast of Thailand,

and there we decided to take a sunset cruise. Now part of the main attraction for this cruise for me was getting to tour Maya Bay,

“which is the movie made famous by Leonardo DiCaprio in the beach.”

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I went to Crabi, right, is that right there too? - Yes, exactly.

- It was incredible little outgross in the middle of the ocean

that looked like upside down mountains. - That movie came out when we were in our early 20s, and obviously with a lot of wanderlust, we watched it more than once, and it was popular in our friendship circle.

So again, that was the main attraction for this sunset cruise. And so about 75 people went on the cruise that evening. And as we took off, our first port of call was Monki Beach. And so as this was a decent size ship, we docked some ways from the shore.

They were a number of options to get to the beach. You could either wait for the dinghy to ferry you over. You could swim, or you could snorkel. Now this is a good time to mention that I can't swim. - Oh, okay.

- Yeah. - Oh my god, that seems crazy. You're a country surrounded by water. - Half of us here, no, no, it's really cool. It's a bit of a cliché in Ireland, but anyway, I will say Jill was a strong swimmer.

She was actually a qualified lifeguard. And we had been a bit adventurous. I was actually doing some snorkeling. I was using a life jacket around my waist, and had clocked maybe 60, 90 minute sessions

with amazing sea life and offer.

So I definitely had an over-inflated sense of confidence in my abilities. - Okay. - And so I took option C, which was to snorkel. - Oh, no. - Without a life vest.

- This is it. - No, I'm sorry. This is such a man thing to do. - Yeah, something a plan I would be in the middle of. - So I grabbed the snorkel and a pair of flippers,

and I make my way down into the water. I set off from the ship. And after about 15, 20 seconds, I take my head up to see how I'm doing. And I was quite shocked by how much further it looked

from I level than it did from on top of the ship. And so I look back and I have made hardly any progress and I start to panic. And so I drop the head and just absolutely power it to the shore.

I do it in one movement without stopping or looking up again. Thankfully, make it to the shore. And I'm beyond exhausted, honestly, you thought it was in the verge of having a heart attack, but I gather myself on a look over.

And Jill must have been in one of the first boats

because she is on her haunches with the tour guide feeding the monkeys. And it's all going well. But then I guess what happened. She had her fist kind of semi-closed.

And there was a piece of banana on her index finger. And I guess one of the monkeys thought she was withholding banana from it. It got angry and is literally jumped up and sunk its teeth into her forearm.

Oh, no.

“But these were cacts, you know, is that what we're dealing with?”

We're small, maybe knee-high. I didn't get what type they were, but they were small. And there were many bastards, yes. Oh, my gosh.

And so Jill obviously freaks out. She jumps up. She's got a monkey attacks to her arm. She's swinging it around. It's still attack.

Oh, my God. See, the damage it's doing to the tissue soft tissue. Oh, oh. Finally, after I don't know how long, 10, 15 seconds, it let go.

But it starts screaming bloody murder. And it raises the alarm. Oh, no, no, no. It's burning other monkey's tongue, charging. No, it's Jill.

This all happened pretty fast. But I look around and the two guys are doing nothing. I look to my right, everyone who had been approaching the shore stopped in knee-high water and were not advancing any further.

Yeah, and I'm going like, this is my girlfriend.

I got to defend her, I jumped in front of her. And I started charging back this group of 30 plus monkeys.

“I honestly couldn't tell you how many it was.”

I'm swinging kicks, I'm throwing punches. I'm doing anything I can, literally. Fight this group of monkeys. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is my dream and nightmare all at once. Yeah, I want this to happen and I don't want it to happen. I will say they were small and they were fast. I don't think I actually made any contact with any of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone from Peter's listening.

I think it was really like going to the making. No, you look like you're fighting. Why, yeah, like you're having a fucking demonic break. Despite all my best efforts, obviously, I did not connect with them.

What I did manage to do was twirl through the attack. It dissipated them. It scattered them in different directions. And it was surprised how quickly the temperature just simmered in their group.

And so we all retreated and Jail got some much needed first stage attention. She got a bandage on her arm. Well, she needs some rabies. She needs some shots.

That's where I'm going. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. This end of Jail getting rabies. This is really interesting.

Fominet them out. Her arm gets bandaged and that's the end of the monkey feeding session clearly. And everyone starts to make their way back to the boat, the way they came. Well, that's great for everybody except me because I'm here with my snorkel

and flippers don't ain't no way I'm going back in that water again. And so the last two people to make it to the shore were these two bikini cloud girls on some sort of small banana boat, floatation device that just about the two of them could fit on. And they were having the time of their lives.

They were giggling laughing, but they had two kayak paddles.

And it looked like it was their first time ever using a kayak paddle.

So I look around, I've got no other options. And so I have to swallow my pride, cap in hand and approach these two nice ladies and go, "Is there any way I could catch a ride with you?" Yeah. Yeah.

Good for you. But really quick, Darren. What the fuck is this tour operation doing? Why can't they make two trips in the boat? Why is this tour a problem?

Again, this happened 20 years ago. Everyone disappeared. I don't know. Would they have left without me? Yeah.

But this was me in the moment just wanted to get back to the ship. I asked the girls and they were very nice. They said, "Absolutely, but you got to jump in the middle." And I said, "Actually, I'm pretty good at paddling." "Why don't I grab one of the paddles and then we'll get back in a jiffy?"

“The boat responded in unison if you want to ride, you got to sit in the middle.”

They were slow on the way over. They were slower on the way back to my extra way. Yeah. So by the time we're getting back, everyone is on the ship. They're all leaning over board going, "What is the hold up?"

And as we approach the ship, I hear someone say, "Look, there's the guy who's fighting the monkey." That was about to make the attention as I needed for the entire trip. But as Manicana's while as that incident was, we got back on the ship. We finished our excursion.

We made it to Maya Bay. It was absolutely beautiful. We made some friends, got some great pictures. And on the way back to Kokeype, they cooked up a gorgeous rice meal and it really finished really beautifully the trip.

And so we get back to shore and we find the clinic and of course, like you said, the nurse changes their bandage and goes, "You need a rabies shot."

And so she got her first shot there and then and then said, "Every two days, we need

to find a clinic and get." I think I think it was three shots and total, but don't call it that. Yeah, these rabies shots are like advanced. Like if they keep going, you think it's a crazy thing. And so we get back to the hotel room that night and I do a little light, internet research.

Obviously, we don't have rabies in Ireland and all the other was my only point of reference. I knew it wasn't good, but as I research more and more, I think to myself, maybe we should get separate rooms for a few nights, you know, just to be on the safe side. But for the trauma dealing gone through, I kept going, thought to myself, which was the right move.

In all of Paris, I didn't think the monkey was rabid.

“It was just an unfortunate banana misunderstanding and that's how it played out.”

The rest of our trip was fantastic and it was definitely one of the most beautiful vacations I've ever taken and certainly one of the most memorable. I presume because we're using a fake name, you didn't stay with Jill. Unfortunately, I moved to Kentucky, Lexington, and my now a lovely wife, who is also from the States.

Chasing your horse dreams. Exactly. Well, what a great story. Great story. Yeah.

I love that you ended up on one of those emasculating banana boats on the way back. You had like a lot of components. Full range of masculinity. It's like you were a hero and then you were, you had to have a photo for no reason. And you were an actual child and then you were humbled.

Humbling aside, I was equally as happy just to be not in the water getting that right back. So I did thank them in the moment, but I didn't thank them enough for saving me on the way back. Well, in the off chance, there are arm cherries. If you were in a banana boat in 2006, that's right.

And have a large Irishman get in your boat. Hopefully it's memorable for them. Sure. I'm sure you don't forget that. What?

“Yeah, and you too, I will say I've been a listener from day one during COVID.”

You guys were lifeline. So again, thank you again, love the show and will continue to listen. My pleasure. Have you swam since? So actually the last year, I have made a concerted effort.

And I will say freestyle was the one stroke I wanted to master the breathing under water site to side.

So I can do like a length in a 25 meter pool, catch a 10 second break and come back.

So that's the level I not. I kind of do maybe 15 laps in a 25 meter pool. Oh, you can hear that. Here's where? Yeah. We're trading water and in deep water, I kind of.

Okay. Yeah. Still, I haven't overcome that hurdle. Thank you. I make it to the Olympic.

I think he has a little else. L.A. 23 here, whatever the hell is. Oh, I went to the fucker to give I see some complex hearing in the monkeys. They are cheering him on. They're full circle.

The girls in the butter floating around photographing. I'm sensing an A.I. generated it in the face of the planet. Yeah. Feed that in, Rob. All right, Darren.

We'll have a great trip to Ireland. Thank you so much, guys. I do. Thank you. Bye bye.

Christy, can you hear us? I can hear you. Can you hear me? Beautiful. Hold on.

I'm seeing a lot of ribbons, accolades. What's happening?

“I took your advice and I'm in my daughter's closet and she's obsessed with softballs.”

Oh, cool. Okay. You see a player?

This is actually her first, like, serious year and she's getting into pitching

and I was freakishly obsessed with softballs well. So it's cool that she likes it and she's actually pretty decent but they get cooler stuff because I used to get like the stupid ugly plastic trophies and they get like these rings. Oh, yeah.

I'd weigh right there at that big old and not just ring. That's like a super boring. And it's like heavy. She thinks that it's real and I'm like, yeah, it's totally real. There's also like a group like character back there.

And we're at Jesus. No, that's Jesus. Oh. Yeah. And actually, this is bathtub Jesus, regular Jesus does not leave.

I know, Dax, you have a Delta but you have Della. Oh, fine. Yeah, regular Jesus doesn't leave Della side. He was actually even in our family pictures. So this is back up to you.

This is the first time I'm seeing a Jesus stuffy. I didn't even know if the Protestants wouldn't like that.

“Maybe the Catholics would where we at was stuffy Jesus.”

They do go to Catholic school. Okay. But we were raised very Lutheran and not a strict so got it. I think it's adorable. I've never seen it.

But the cutest thing for the listener about the baby Jesus is that he comes with a little cloak on like he has a little tunic on. But sometimes she likes to take the robe off and I feel like it's a little sacrilege. Right. She wants to see not eats Jesus's body on these.

And she's nine. So she's not doing it on purpose, but I'm also like Della, you can kind of need a chill with Jesus. Okay. Christy, where are you?

I am in Oclare, Wisconsin. I'm from Minnesota, so huge Vikings fan. But I did move to Packers Country and now I've been in Oclare, Wisconsin for 20 years. And I was just looking at a map on Instagram of drinking rates. Oh, yeah.

We're number one. You're not just number one. You're like number one the way Sean White won the goal. So it's an outline of the whole country and you see each state and then there's a color sequence and red is like the highest drinking.

I'm taking maybe only five or six states have little red dots. And Wisconsin is on fire. It's just a smear red and I was like, wow, go get it with Wisconsin. That's the price. I think it's the really cold winters.

There's nothing else to do. But also in the summer, then you're celebrating that there's at least one day of 80 degrees. So you have to drink. I was a little disappointed Michigan wasn't a hunter spot. I surprised the South isn't.

I was too. The South is not at all. It's like it's, it was in the greens because of the Bible bells. Right. But offsetting.

Second to you guys was Wyoming.

They're getting it on up there. And North Dakota, because there's nothing else to do there. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great.

So we covered drinking, Wisconsin. Yeah, you have an animal attack story. I do have an animal attack story. So last year, I had just gotten a brand new bike. And my son was playing baseball at the baseball fields by us.

And so I decided to ride my bike. There in anywhere I go on my bike. It's usually like five miles, but to get to his baseball game. It was uphill like this little bike path. Oh, clear as a ton of bike paths.

And so I went up this hill on this bike path into the left is woods. And then to the right is a really narrow street. So there's no shoulder like you can't pull over and his game ended. And they're actually fundraising to get lights on the fields because they don't have lights. So the game's half to end by dusk and his did.

But Chrissy, let's be honest, in Wisconsin and the summer, that's 10 p.m.

So it was closer to like eight, but it was getting to be dusk.

“And I didn't know that this was going to be a factor until later on.”

But then I came back down this bike trail hill. And I just for the record, I absolutely love animals. And I know Peter might hate me, but like I will pet any animal. I have like a squirrel house that I have on my own. Like I love animals.

The only reason my husband would ever divorce me.

Like I would never cheat on him.

But I'd come home with like $7, but I was coming down this hill on the trail. And so now the woods are to my right and then the street is to my left. And I'm very near sighted. I should wear glasses. I have glasses and context, but I don't ever wear them. So I couldn't see what was far away, but I did see two big balls.

And I thought it was either like big balls of fur or big balls of feather. Like it didn't know what it was. But either way, I was going to pet it. Oh, oh, be either way. Regardless, I'm here for it.

And I also go down because otherwise, I'm going super fast. So it's like a double pole. Yeah, sounds like a condition. Yeah. So I'm going down this hill and I do start to slow down because I do want to pet this.

Whatever it is. And as I get closer, I realize that there are two huge turkeys and still in my mind,

“I didn't know enough to know that maybe they aren't friendly, but I'm like getting off”

my bike and let's pet these feathers. Oh, my God.

And I go to try to touch this first turkey.

It just starts immediately like pecking at me. And it's beak is long and sharp, but they're also like really ugly animals. And I still wanted to pet it. And it was pecking at me instantly like there was nothing I could do. And I did get off my bike, but it was a brand new bike.

And I didn't have insurance or anything on the bike. So I'm like, I'm in a sacrifice, my body instead of the spike. I don't want to pop a tire. Questionable decisions. I don't think they could injure a bike.

I was worried about the tires. I didn't know then how much tires cost. So I was like, I'm not going to lose this tire. And so I was like hard pass. I'm done.

I don't want to pet you anymore. I'm just going to go away. Well, I start trying to get back on my bike to go away. And they maliciously started testing the back of my leg. Oh, what's their tailings or their beak?

So they also have tailings.

“And I didn't realize that at the time their feet have like hooks on them.”

And so they were both like kicking and pecking at me. And I don't know if the one fatter one was like special or something, but instead of like 90 degree pecking me, it was curving downward. So when it would pack my leg, it was like breaking skin and scraping along my leg. Oh, wow.

They sensed fear, maybe. And they're like, oh, we have the upper hand here. I'm the captain now. I think they sensed fear. But I also think during this time in the spring and being dusk,

they were also like in the mating ritual. And I was like cock blocking them. Oh, yeah. And their testosterone do up their region. I don't want any part of you.

I just want to leave. But later on, when I looked all these turkey facts up, I realized that they have a chase instinct. So if you do try to ride away, they want to fly. And they want to chase you.

It's like an adrenaline rush to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, instinctual. So once they've set their sights on you, they're very instinctive to try to chase you away. And follow with you.

So at this point, I'm like, this is no joke fighter flight. I have to do something. And so I kind of just pass my bike to the side. And I'm like, I'm ready to fight. I don't know what else to do.

So I start trying to punch it in the brush. Because I'm like, I don't know, we eat the brush. Maybe that's sensitive. That's the only part I could get to. Because if I try to punch the beak,

I'd look like I have bloody knuckles. Punching a knife. Yeah, I don't do that. Yeah, exactly. And so I try to punch it like two times.

And it's almost like they were laughing at me because they back up, but then they came closer to me. My instinct is like, they're low. I have feet. Let's kick.

They were already attacking my legs. So I was trying to kick them. But at the same time, I was like, if anything takes the brunt of this, I want it to be my feet. So I was like giving them my legs.

Like sacrifice the legs, everything else is whatever. And also, my parents are going to kill me for saying this. But two years before this, I had gotten breast implants. After having kids, I was trying to protect the investment. So I also didn't want that.

Oh, sure. My body, you're saying a lot of money throughout this entire scenario. This is, I got to be honest. And I hope you take this as the compliment. And this is the most midwestern story we've ever heard of.

I got that. And so anyways, and even the details here with the costs of the bike tires is just so midwestern. I know. And it started off funny.

Like at first, I was laughing.

Like these turkeys are really trying to call that me kind of thing. But then I was like, what if they do poke me? And now this extensive surgery is at risk. So then, because I was on a bike, I didn't have a backpack or anything. But I had an armband.

I used to be a runner.

just kept the same armband that holds my phone. And I'm like, my husband and kids were just at the game.

I need to call him and tell him my basically being attacked.

So I get my phone out as they're still attacking me. This entire time, they're still attacking me. Like they are relentless. And so I get it out. And I call my husband and I'm like, Kyle,

you need to come to Donber Park. Like I am being attacked by these turkeys. And he's like what? And then he has the balls to be annoyed by me. And he's like, I can't hear you.

All I hear is Goblin. And I'm like, oh, no!

“How does that not be human to like maybe I'm being attacked by these turkeys?”

I am being attacked by turkeys. That's what the Goblin is. Yeah, and there's exactly what I'm asking for your help with. If you're annoyed, imagine how annoyed I am. And I think he finally got it.

And I don't know if I just got pissed and hung up. But I ended up throwing my phone like that's done. It's almost like a 911 response where I'm like, OK, that's done. Help is on the way.

Yeah, and I just have to defend myself, telecoms.

OK, again, I don't want to get bogged down. And we're protecting the tires, which are about $18, but we chuck the phone. I didn't know how much tires work for us. I was still trying to fight the birds.

And I had heard-- and actually, my husband had sent me a TikTok one time as a joke, like how women can't make gun noises. And I have hunted turkeys in the past. So I'm trying to make gun sounds because I know when I was turkey hunting, if the sound of a gun went off,

the turkeys would flee. Like, we weren't able to get a most of the time. So they would be fair. And I am so bad at making gun noises. Can I hear what it sounded like?

I literally was like, Pupio. Like, Pupio? Oh, my god, yeah.

“What that is the instinct of women to add the Pupio?”

Well, that's how it's spelled. But that's all my kids do it, too. Yeah, because we're reading it. I mean, it was either Pupio. And I felt like I was spitting enough that it would be good

or it was like boom, boom. Like, I don't have a machine gun. I don't think. Yeah. What would you do?

[CLICKING] I just spit all over my microphone. But I had no choice, guys, for my life. Yeah. I mean, I don't know that that's better.

I don't think my good is much as I think Pupio is weird, because I've heard a lot of gunshots. And there's no Pupio. Yeah. And we don't hunt with machine guns so that we're

getting them to know that sound. I commend you for that. OK. So you're Pupioing it and they're not responding. So I'm Pupioing.

It's absolutely doing nothing. And then I'm looking at this turkey. And they have that weird, scrotum-red looking thing on their beak. We're just like hangs and dangles over. I literally, at one point, once I switched to the fighter flight,

was like, I will do anything. Like, I'm going to grab it by the scrotum-looking thing. And just, like, slam it, like, Shawn Michaels or something, like, in a catering match. So I kept trying to grab that part of it.

And it would just continuously pick my hand. So it just was not working. Like, nothing was working. So at this point, I'm literally putting my head towards the turkey because I did have a helmet on.

I was, like, instead of giving it my legs, because they kept getting scraped. I was giving it my head, but then I was also, like, dangerously close to my eyeballs.

“But I think at that point, it was also willing to give up my eyeballs”

before the biker and the boobs. So I don't know. Yeah.

You basically ran through all the things they would suggest

not to use. Oh, I know, I fully aware now looking back, but in the moment, I'm like, I need to survive this because who's going to die from a turkey. And it would be me, and how do you tell my kids that?

During this entire time on that road, people are driving by. And they're trying to hawk because they see me and distress. I think they were trying to help. But then I saw this really old station wagon, like almost like a woody car drive by, well, I saw it drive by like three times.

And on the third time, they were recording me. And I'm just like, oh, you can't do anything else. Yeah, I need to do something I can't stay here. So I just tried to get on my bike. And yes, they were pecking at my tires.

And I go down a little bit at a time as they're still pecking me. I'm still going down this trail, but it does lead to a bridge. And so I was like, worst case scenario, I can jump in this water. But as soon as I reached the bridge, it's almost like they were too far away from a nest. Or they saw there's railing and their wings might get caught in it.

I too narrow to fly in. Yeah, they don't want to get anywhere. They can't get their wings out, maybe. I think that might also have been part of it. But then I saw that my husband and kids were parked on the bridge because you couldn't pull

over on the shoulder. Like, I'm sure they had seen me, but they couldn't get to me. And so I see them coming out of my husband's truck. And they both have a bat in each hand. And they're like ready to fight these turkeys for me.

And I'm like, yes, thank you. Yeah, that's what we needed. So then I was able to get away in my husband's like, well, do you want me to like give you right home? I can put the bike in the back.

And I'm like, I've already made it this far. My adrenaline's going to head to a burn some mad cows. I might as well go to rest the way home. And I did and it was fine. There wasn't anything else that had happened.

Like, how do I make sure this doesn't happen again?

And I said that I was going to bring pepper spray, but apparently that would just like make them spicy chicken because they don't have like the smell receptors. Oh, right. They don't respond to capsaicin or whatever. I know how you just don't go pet them.

Okay. Okay. I think that's the whole line. That still wasn't an option for me. Come on.

When I researched this, one of the main things that tells you not to do is make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they're like games on. Apparently they take it offensively and you're threatening their home and whatever else. And because it had been dusk, they're surveying their surroundings because they're going to roast like in the trees.

So they want to make sure that underneath them is protected.

And so just being there at that time also was putting them on high alert.

“So I think that's why they were pissed at me.”

Because on the way there, you know, it was like sunny and five p.m. They weren't even there. We have some photos, yeah? Yeah, I did send you some photos. Okay, great.

Oh, yeah. Your legs are a hot mess. They're scratched, I have it. Oh, yeah. So this happened like on a Tuesday and then on a Friday on our local Facebook,

there was a news article on how like these turkeys have become out of control. They interviewed this guy who was also attacked by a turkey. And it was like less dramatic than my story. And they still just ripped him a new one. Like, oh, my God, it's a turkey.

How can you be scared? Like, you're so weak. You're such a wise guy. And I'm like, people don't understand.

“Like, you shouldn't have our own support because it was awful.”

Yeah, they're kind of like the jackals of the bird world. But the swans are the ones. They're polar bears. They see you in a canoe. They might kill you.

Yeah, maybe. I'd pet it. Yeah, sure. Oh, this has been a delight. Yeah, you really made our day.

Anna got me interested. I work with her in your podcast and I've loved it ever since.

And then my friend Allison and I always listen and compare notes.

I also save them up because I'm so high strong that I hate waiting. And then I'll like binge them. So I was bingeing the twin episode and I'm a twin for 12. Yeah, when Emma emailed me. So I was like, it's meant to be.

Yeah.

“And then my son, Jack, please baseball and Bella, they also”

listen to you sometimes, which they probably shouldn't because they're nine and 10. But then lastly, Jack's my brother. He was mainly in alcoholic and his late 20s. And then he said, come to addiction when he was 31 in 2020.

So whenever you talk about your struggles, your honesty about addiction, you're probably sick of hearing about it. But I do appreciate it so much. I don't ever get sick of hearing that. And I'm so sorry to hear that about you.

Thank you. And Monica, I know you love the pit. I am a nurse. Of course you're a nurse because you're so fun. And nurses are so fun.

I did write a book, newest nurse on the planet. That's really seen this weekend. Ooh, exciting. newest nurse on the planet. So we talk a lot about the foreign objects and

random and things like that and all the fun stories. Truly so fun meeting you. I have a wonderful summer, enjoy that three months of outdoor drinking. Yeah, thank you. All right, nice meeting you.

All right, take care. All right, I love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We're going to have a theme song. Okay, great.

♪ I'm a fire Ryan Bush ♪ ♪ I'm a fire Ryan Dishon ♪ ♪ Enjoy ♪