Eric Andre Returns Again

How are you, Sam? I don't know.

“I realized last time I said moist, so I was about to say moist again, and then I was like,”

"No, you already did that. Well, joke." And then I was like, "What's the opposite of moist?" Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Need's a friend. I am joined by Sonimo Sustian, Hey Sono.

Hi. Matt Gourli, how are you, sir? Hi, good, thanks. You attempt something that has very low odds of working, and I'll explain why. I thought, "Hey, maybe we should talk about World Cup."

It's a huge thing, massive, biggest sporting event in the world. It's involves 48 countries, it's being hosted by Canada, Mexico, USA, but here's the problem. I don't think anyone here in this podcast right now, I'm just the three of us really cares about the world. That's not true.

It is true. It's not true. I don't think you cared.

I've never watched every four years, I really enjoy the only sports I ever wanted to.

Oh yeah, you guys know that I don't care about sports. I actually love it too because soccer players are hot, they're really happy to watch. That's why I watch. When you're watching with your boys, you go, "I do that guy."

“Yeah, and I high five of them, like, "Right boys, you know, he can be your dad."”

Yeah. Oh my God, you guys want to brother? That's just, come on, man. Clean it up, Sono. I love tag, too.

I don't want to. No, too, but that's nice. My heart also has warmth for the father of my children. Okay, I shouldn't say that, but I'll say is, I wouldn't say the three of us are well versed in talking about World Cup, correct.

And we are recording this, I think, three weeks ahead of time. So we don't know where in the World Cup, certain teams will be, who will be eliminated what's going on, so we're really attempting something that I think is difficult on maybe seven different levels. Yeah.

And, um, do you say several or seven?

He mixed both on seven different levels. Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't let it go. Sorry, I didn't let it go.

I was going to let it go. No, no, but I have a hard time when I talk about the sports soccer. Oh, that's right. You didn't let that go. Fuck you.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask Edward or to really help us out here. Because Edwardo, this, uh, this is something it's very near and dear to your heart. You need to supply the passion here. Okay.

“You need to supply the passion because I'm not going to get it from anywhere else on this”

table. All right. So let's talk about it. Where a couple of weeks in, what do you think has happened by this point? Who's been eliminated?

Man. Come on. All right. So I'll tell you that going into this the top five countries predicted to compete for the final is Argentina, Spain, France, Portugal, and maybe Germany or England.

Give her take one of them.

The same as it almost always is.

So where are the Dutch? The Dutch are actually considered a dark horse in this turn. Yeah. That's what I thought. I didn't know that the Dutch, uh, and it's funny because when you think someone's

saying, where are the Dutch, you be like, oh, he's making a joke. No, I'm not. They, they're very good. Yes. And they could come out and know where.

Wouldn't that be fantastic if the Dutch were still. I wouldn't be surprised if they're making a deep run. So if we're looking into our crystal ball, that's a good prediction. And if you're listening right now and the Dutch are out of it, that's on Eduardo. Okay.

I believe. Anyway, okay. So go ahead. Tell us more. Yeah.

It's being hosted by three different countries all North American. What does that mean when they say hosting it? Uh, yes. That's where the actual events are taking place. Correct.

But does that, then they also have to, you know, when you hear host, sometimes you think they have to supply food, drinks, that kind of thing. You can't host the same thing in the Olympics. I'm just trying to do a new thing, or when you host, you really should be a host. You should charge for food and drink.

And there should be a host. You have to be on some music. This should be music. You should, uh, it's just an idea. How could a banter in the beginning?

Yes. Yeah. Exactly. And then people should say, hey, knock it off if it goes after 10. Every spectator has to send a thank you note.

Well, speaking of after 10, the cool thing about this one for us that live here in the States or in North America, the times are like reasonable times for us to watch. So I don't have to go to a pub at three in the morning to watch Croatia play against Orlando. Correct. There'll be games starting at noon.

And the last game will be like at seven o'clock at night. So yeah. Yeah. Full days of soccer. The jury is something, and this is something, because I'm a patriot.

America is getting better. Aren't we getting better? It's, I know it's a long road, but what is America has to do to really be competitive

That's a good question, I think. It's a great question. Thank you. They have taken a lot of steps forward and a couple small steps back. So this one, it's a crap shoot.

You would say, some of us wouldn't be surprised that they're still in it at this time in three weeks.

“Some of us wouldn't be surprised that they're actually, you follow it, right?”

What do you think? I'd be surprised that they're still in it at this point in three weeks. That's not to say that they're not good. I just, it's one of those things where it's just, we didn't, in other countries, it's just such a part of a culture and it's not as much here and maybe you, is this a graph

that's never going to completely take, meaning will we ever be really competitive with

Argentina with Spain, some of these other things? No, I think we will get there. I think it's just taking a lot longer. I think work competing is like the fourth major sport on now fourth major sport. At one point, it was like the fifth or sixth major sport in this country.

It's slowly turning. I think the pickle ball has slowed us down. I agree. I think the pickle ball. I think we were starting to gain and then everybody who was really starting to get

interested in soccer or, of course, other say, football, they pickle ball came around and now I think it's, that is added in another hundred years. I agree. We should bend pickle ball. There's a lot of overlap.

I don't like that. It competes. Are you playing games? I hope so. Also, what's that game around your iPhone?

You put the heads up. Heads up. I think heads up, I think heads up, put us back another hundred years. Heads up. I think, I think, what's that?

Settlers of Katan. What's that?

It's this famous board game that everybody played for a minute.

I don't know. It's like bartering. Weets and textiles. Oh, I love it when people come over and we have some wine and we'll start bartering. I probably would.

I probably wouldn't be, I shouldn't be negative about it. But I do think that heads up, something of Katan, wait, you can get Katan, but not this one. I thought it was Chris Katan, I thought. And pickleball.

And then pickleball. I think those things have probably destroyed our chances of being competitive in what I call football and which it would call soccer.

“Yeah, I just, but anyway, that's what's happening.”

I resolve almost every year to pick a team and really get involved and really follow soccer. So are you going to pick? Yeah. Who's your pick?

Got you now. I don't have to go with the Dutch. Wow. This is a bigger speech. That's just true.

And I think it works well for your speech to be in Moscow as well. Do you know any soccer players? Do I know them? Like, in person. Like, do you?

I don't know the sport very well, but I'm very good friends with most of the players. Oh. Messy, Messy was at my house like three weeks ago. Okay. He was.

He comes by a lot. Guys are not hanging out. What are you talking about? Why would you find that hard to believe?

He loves my house and he always wants to go over to Sandler's house and I'm like, what

do you need Sandler for? I'm here. And he's like, Sandler and much more famous than you. And I said, why are you talking then that stilted way? Um, and he said, you're trying to do an Argentinian out.

Yeah. And he said, you know, so little about me, you do stilted accent. Oh. That's what he said. This is all true.

“He said, you're impression of me, you belies the fact that we are not friends and”

you don't know me in real life. That's what he said to me. And then I said, "Belies the fact, where are you speaking in broken English and then saying, "Belies the fact?" And he said, "This is a terrible riff.

Don't do it on the podcast." No, I'm going to do it several in times. Yeah. I'm going to do it several in. That's fine.

That's fine. That's fine. That's when you misspoke, remember? I don't remember. Okay.

Okay. So seldom. Early happens at all. Probably happens at all. I've got to happen.

He's dying. Oh, hey. That's your question. Sure. This is really dark.

But let's say something were to happen to me. There was a medical event. Okay. And then later on, the doctor said, "Didn't you hear it in the podcast?" The regeneration of his neuromuscular ability.

Something darker, you've asked this question. I know! No! But aren't you guys going to... I know that I've asked it before, but I'm begging you guys to please pay attention.

Oh, no! When I misspoke, don't kick over. Say, "Are you okay, Conan?" We're trying to move it along, give it, let it happen. Yeah, give me to the greatest sister.

Yes. And you can all do your pity episode. No, we're so sorry about Conan. Cutching. It's going to be a Thursday episode.

Oh, it's Thursday. We talked about Conan's passing. Oh, my God, that would be great. And then stick around. We're getting together.

The cast of "Facts of Life." Oh, that would be cool. Can you name them all? Can I name them all? Yeah.

Toody Joe. They're real names. You keep you rookie. What? I want to hear their show names.

Toody Joe? Joe? Blair? Mm-hmm. God, this show meant a lot to you.

It did it. But I do know the theme. That would be good. Okay. We were walking in here.

I wonder, I'm not kidding you. Stop. I went. I was singing "Facts of Life." I wonder if that'll come up on the show today.

I'm not joking. I'm not joking.

I'm saying. I'm close. What? Yeah.

Are you watching it recently?

Oh, it just came to me. I say something a lot of our listeners think this thing is so well crafted. They must write it ahead of time and really work out the architecture of it.

“And I want to say that I think this podcast episode proves that that is not the case.”

Yeah. America's screwed because the soccer team, we, you know, we were just talking about soccer and that's a fact of life and then it's a fact of life and then you're singing the song. Take the good. Take the bad.

You take the ball and then you have the facts alive. The facts alive. You take the good. You take the bad. And then what?

You take the ball and then you have. You take the good. You take the bad. Do you take them all? No way.

You take it all. You take the good. You take the bad. And there you have the facts alive. And there you have, I said.

Yeah. When the world. Those are listening. They're listening. They're listening.

They're listening. No, but what I'm saying is, I don't know this song. No, you take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have.

Oh, you take it both. Oh, that's right. That makes more sense. Don't remember. Make sense is lyrics.

You know what song did make sense? Charles was in charge. Okay. Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights.

That makes sense. That makes sense either. No.

“Why is the nanny in charge of your days and your nights?”

You're like your moral compass of your wrongs is right. That's right. That's right. It's just responsibility for him. Anyway, that's our world cup wrap up.

Yes. What a mess. Into Eric Andre. All right. My guest today is a hilarious community in host.

I'm an intro. Oh, my God. Have the Eric Andre show on Adult Swim. What a mess. Now you can see the new people come for it.

This is what we promise. And this is what we deliver. And I don't regret it. Now you can see Eric are good friend in the new Netflix movie. A little brother.

A movie he made with Mr. John Cena. I will also say this is appropriate for this interview. It really is. It's all the wheels have come off this trolly many times.

I always love when Eric steps by.

Eric Andre welcome. Here's why I love having you on the podcast. You are a cartoon character. You're not a real person. And I am a cartoon character. I'm not a real person.

And when we're together, I'm just happy. Because-- And the rest of America's annoyed. I know I hate it. And miserable.

At the shenanigans. But you don't live in the real world. And whenever I-- you just don't. You just don't. Do you think I stand out?

You are an insane cartoon character. You bounce off walls. You crash through ceiling. Yeah. To the delight of everyone.

“Well, my comedy hero is Gonzo from the Muppet Show.”

Hmm. I had this VHS tape growing up. It was called. It was a clips episode of the Muppet Show. That Gonzo hosted in a Hugh Heffner.

And his wife was that chicken. Remember he had a chicken for a wife? Yep. And he hosted this thing. It was called, like, the weirdest sketches on--

It wasn't called the weirdest sketches on the Muppet Show. But it was, like, the weirdest parts of the Muppet Show. I had a more elegant show of the one I'm saying. And it was just a clip show. And he was, like, a dick clark.

He's a slash Hugh Heffner. And he intro'd all the weirdest clips from the Muppet Show. And I would watch that VHS, like, over and over to a formative formative. Yeah. I would be like, I thought about that.

For me, it was a Warner Bros. cartoons.

But I always thought, well, that's the highest form of comedy

is people getting stretched out elongated. Yeah. People looking to Cameron going, uh-oh. And then falling. Yeah.

And then I would walk away like an accordion. Those are the, I just willed myself to be. One of those heroes. Yes, you have a horrible and painful day. Yes.

[LAUGHTER] I can't find no comedic values. Eric, I would. But the corner would say, oh, my God. We just looked at the x-rays of his body.

It's a, it's a accordion. And then they would, they would push on each side of my body. We'll go like, well, oh, oh, oh. We know you. I can literally be like, cold and cold and cold and cold.

[LAUGHTER] So, uh, for all those reasons I'm delighted you're here. I really am. I really am. You had to, forcibly remove me last time.

I did. This is my favorite pocket. You're one of my favorite human beings. Well, that's so nice. When I look in, then do your eyes.

Why the angry male all the time from you? You're well. [LAUGHTER] - I love you, Ty. - And then you sign your name.

- You're a truly, well-- - Eric Andreley. (audience laughs) - Why? - Why?

- You like those to me, and you've returned to Dress's on them. - And they're filled with anthrax. I don't know. - I don't know. - Yeah, I thought I was part of your school.

- You know, celebrities are not well. - I'm not a celebrity, I still drive an Uber. But, um, as a passenger or-- - And also as a driver. - Okay.

- And that also died in my mouth.

(audience laughs) - There's a fast boot, he'll be doing it right now. - He'll be doing it right now. (audience laughs) - Here lies Uber joke.

You'd be a great Uber driver, or a terrible one, who wouldn't stop talking, but I would love it if you picked me up in a Uber, that would be so much fun. - What do you do when they start chatting? You go up or back in the day, yellow cabs,

when you're in New York City, when they start chatting. - That's gonna sound weird. - What would you put? - Would you, would you, would you call me in and chat or would you just be like--

“- I think they want him to stop talking.”

- No, no, this is what's weird. This is what's weird, and I hope this doesn't put people off with me. But when I call an Uber, I bought one of those plexiglass separators, and I have it, it's heavy.

And I carry it with me, and I call an Uber when I get in, I quickly attach it. - Oh God. - You're the one for each making model. - Oh, I say I look up, which car they're gonna be,

they're like, "Oh, it's gonna be a Toyota 4x4." And I go like, "I know which one is for the Toyota 4x4. "I know which one is for, you know, I mean literally "every kind of as your house is like a plexiglass factory." - That's all right.

And I quickly shout to my son, and this is he, I won't let him go to college. So he just is the guy that he is my caddy for plexiglass separators. And I'll just say things like, it's a, it's a,

it's a Subaru Outback, and he's like, "Got it! "What year?" And I'll go 98, and then he rushes in.

So that's kind of a dick move, and they always get very like,

what the fuck, and I'm like shut up.

“- I don't wanna talk to you, and then I actually drill”

into their seats, they don't like that. - No, you go, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

- Oh, you got- (laughing) - Seriously, was he? - No talking, walkie. (laughing) - Now what do you do, because I'm gonna imagine, we're probably similar spirits that you like to talk to people. You like talking to anyone.

- Not in the, not in the, not in the, not in the camp, not in the Uber. - Well, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I'm catching up on work and I'm locked in, or, and I get my laptop on my lap or my,

or I'm doing work on the phone. - What do you build in? - Or rock it? - What do you, what do you, what do you, - Locked in, getting the specs for re-entry. You gotta get just the right,

what the hell are you locking on? - I'm trying to write jokes, I'm trying to write ideas. - Okay, you've worked in this business. (laughing)

- If you've never sat down in the red nicht joke,

I just go, you put it up, you wrote on legacy shows. - Okay, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it. I had to make your mind a fence, I did, but I was never locked in. (laughing)

“- No, I get it, I get it, I'm just giving you shit”

'cause I learned that's what it's fun, and you know where the guy is, where the guy's hanging on and giving you shit. - You're harassing me, you're harassing me. - You're harassing me, you're harassing me.

- You're constantly harassing me, you're harassing me. - You're harassing me, you're harassing me. - I don't know how you got my address. - I think you looked at the paperwork. - I look at the return address on your 8-mail.

- It's funny 'cause the last time I saw you, I was doing a club here in LA, and you were about to go on, and it's the same thing if I'm about to go on. - I had my, I'm not gonna say ginger, you get the two of 'em. I have my red head, friend, from Australia,

very funny comedic actor, Res Mitchell, and instantly you guys locked eyes, and you went over to 'em, and you went, when's the last time you got your skin checked, and you guys talked about that.

- I did, that's good, that's four like 30 minutes, and then you went up and you, I gotta get ready for the Oscars. (audience laughing) - That's what I did. - I did the match mid they saw you there,

and it was like, they were instant besser, and they just talked about skin health. - And you kept trying to talk to widows do, and they've lost the hust of no other thing. - That's right, that's right, that's right.

How are you managing it? I'm getting by, and instantly, there's no hesitation. He looked into Res' eyes, and you just went right it, and you gave him like a dermatologist number. - Yeah.

- You guys were, I had him take my shirt, and I did a very close exam with those special glasses, and that special light, and I did not like what I saw. (audience laughing) - Yeah, but it's funny how--

- You didn't let me answer rude, by the way. (audience laughing) Well, how I am in an Uber, and I am very rude in an Uber. No, I don't usually like to talk. Well, I like to talk if the person's interesting,

but it's a crap shoot, so the risk, I do a risk assessment, and sometimes the person knows when to stop talking, and start talking, and sometimes they're interesting, and stuff you're interested in, sometimes it's a crazy person.

So you do a little bit of risk assessment, so I don't, because I don't want that, like, you know, 3% of them that are batched crazy, there was a guy, as soon as I got in his car, within 10 seconds, he's like,

"I love fentanyl, man, oh, that's my problem." And I go, I go, "Well, yeah, I'm listening to some tunes." You see my head, I'm sorry, that's horrible,

I go, "Oh, when?"

“A couple days ago, and he's pulling up to my house,”

so I'm like, "Great, now just gotta have my home address."

And I'm like, this is an office, it looks like a house, and I'm living in an office. I'm going to work at the end of the day. It's kind of a weird job, and I can't tell you anything about it, 'cause I don't like the value of my personal opinion.

And he was telling me he's like, "The patches are better than shooting it up, but shooting it up with the patch up." But I'm through with that shit, man, and I was like, "I'm gonna be like, he's been dry out."

Yeah, it's been charged with whether you live or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I'm plagued by that over time. And my heart goes out to his afflictions, but I was trapped, and we were in the thick and traffic, like we're in West Hollywood at like 5pm.

So it was like the slowest. What would take like 20 minutes to get back to my house, took like an hour and a half, and it was the longest afternoon in my life. Yeah, it was rough.

I always say this, if the driver's been weird,

and they pull up to my house, I always say,

“it's been nice talking to you, by the way,”

we're selling my house tonight, to Eric Andre. Yes, we're here at Andre. Who, by the way, loves visitors. And is that consent to me? Keeps, keeps, vintage, fentanyl.

He keeps a fentanyl right by his loose cash. He's got the loose cash room in the fentanyl room. And a bedroom, that's it. I mean, the kitchen in there. Anyway, oh, well.

Yeah, I always say to people, when they pick me up from my house, or if it's a guy that the Amazon guy recognized me or the UPS guy, I go, I just go, yeah, I'm Airbnb in this place. Pretty trippy, anyway, yeah, think about the address. Why is there a mural if you on the garage?

Oh, that's why I Airbnb. Yeah, to do a self portrait on the garage. Yeah, is this what you want to talk about? We are so ADD. I don't think we ever make a single point.

I looked away from you for a second, and I forgot who the guest was.

And then I, uh, Harrison Ford, and it good news is that I looked over at you, and I was happy that you're here.

“So it's nice to see you, by the way, too.”

[MUSIC PLAYING] Colonel Brian needs a friend, has partnered with Air, B and B. I use Air, B and B quite frequently. I know you do as well, Sonna. I do a lot.

I don't know about you, but when I'm traveling, especially if I'm in, I don't know, Europe, Canada, any place like that, I like sometimes to not stay in a hotel. I like to feel like I'm part of the fabric of the place I'm visiting. Stay in someone's apartment, and you get a real feel for what it's like to live there as a person. Do you ever have that?

Yeah, we're actually planning a trip from my mom's birthday this year, and we're thinking about going to Vancouver. Oh, wow, I love what a coup. We want a whole house because it's going to be my family, my brother's family, my parents. So it's beautiful there.

And I also think, knowing your family, and I say this is all kind of, you need a house. I mean, you don't want to be in a hotel where you're going to get kicked out for being crazy. [LAUGHTER] Yes. I think it's a great idea.

You can also put your place on Air, B and B. If you're going away, that's another possibility. Yeah. Might as well make some cash while you're out of town. It's a good idea.

It kind of pays for the vacation. You've got a nice situation. Sonna, you could probably get good scratch by having some people stay. Your place while you're gone. Yeah.

Your home might be worth more than you think. So find out how much your place is worth at airbnb.ca/host. [MUSIC PLAYING] I'm curious if, because you have such-- and I want to talk about this, too.

You have such a serious music background. I was reading up on your way. No, no, no, no, no. It's like you're so far you've started to fix it. Hit me.

I'm boring. That's something. No, but-- I can't know myself. You're just very hard to beat.

You, like, bring us back to serious-- Well, this is going to stay serious long. But I love that you just dropped an album. And it's called film scores for films that don't exist. It's a classical album.

You wrote film scores for movies that aren't real. And I was listening to it today. A bunch of us were listening to it. And it's legit. It's really good.

It's really good. I'm glad about that. Thank you. And then I was like, well, wait. I know that you played jazz, bass, and you're serious.

You studied at Berkeley School of Music. But I didn't realize when you were a little kid, and you started playing tuba when you were really young. Yeah, I played piano at five, tuba, and sixth grade, and cello, and bass, and high school.

Yeah. And then so this was just something that was in you, like-- I want to-- I want to school and Boston. I want to Berkeley College of Jazz, Daddy-O,

for four years. Yeah. And I can't--

I clicked a dime under a lamp post.

[LAUGHTER] That was a court. [LAUGHTER] I shot a apple off my wife's head or whatever William S. Burroughs did.

You know about that? And he killed her, right? He killed his wife, and then when the cops come, he goes, we were playing William Tell. The game where you shoot a apple.

Yeah. Of that, it was more of like-- I think he was like the laziest excuse for homicide-- I'm sorry, I made your podcast so dark. No, no, no, no.

This is what-- people love true crime podcasts. So we're going to become one briefly.

“But that's what I always heard is the police show up.”

And he went, we were playing-- and his wife's lying there with a bulletin or head. He was like, we were playing William Tell. And I tried to shoot an apple overhead, didn't work out. But she can arrest me.

Yeah, and the cops were like, that's legally-- that's all in. I'm sorry, we bothered you. Yeah. Yeah. So he-- I sincerely killed her, and then went to the refrigerator, got an apple and placed it by her head.

I don't even know if he just said I ate the apple. Oh, yeah.

There wasn't even an apple?

No, I don't know. No, I don't know. I want to show you what I'm saying. I guess what? Trying to true crime podcasts, is the--

This is the best kind where people just shoot off their mouths about a crime that maybe didn't even have it. And I'm just right now saying, Eric doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. We both just kind of heard this thing.

I guess it's not so cut, just because I was about to make this the same jazz jokes that I made on your podcast last time. So I was like, well, what's another beatnik I haven't covered? No one-- William, as Burroughs, in that I heard your audience,

everyone's butt hold right out at that moment. Every-- That's not interesting. An Adam King. They were all moist until--

that can we say that on your podcast? Guys, we can. You pureton. Adam said, look, confirm this.

“No one's ever listened to more than one of these podcasts.”

We have a huge, huge number of people, but we're just working our way through Earth's op-- population. But no one's ever, after listening to one of us, we've been doing other.

Wow. Yeah.

He's a very strange way of getting it.

We're like, repeat your stories that will. We've got a verdict on William S. Burroughs. It really isn't. It really isn't. It's dark.

You're about to look up some dark. Nice to go. Pretty one in Mexico City. Yeah, William S. Burroughs shot and killed his wife. And said he was playing.

Said he was playing William Tell. And how did he get off then? He didn't. He was convicted. Oh, he was.

Oh, I thought he-- I thought they were like, yeah. So did he go? I think it was for a long time. He was convicted of culpable homicide in Mexico,

but served only 13 days in jail before his brother secured his release on bail. Well, we're-- He's going to murder our wife. Do that to Mexico.

He's on down in Mexico. Oh, wow. He was later convicted in that sense year.

“We're seeing a two-year suspended sentence.”

Does it seem that bad for killing your wife? Yeah, I'm just going to say message to all murderers out there. Keep that William Tell thing in your bag. Yeah, yeah. Keep an apple, and the William Tell story in your bag pocket.

I'm going to throw it up to you and arrow. Yeah, just a real deal. You came into a bank. Took all the money and can shot someone. It was William Tell game.

Yeah. In a very-- I barely know what William Tell is. Beyond a guy that shot an apple off of somebody's head with an arrow.

Beyond that, I couldn't tell you. Yeah. I couldn't tell you a single thing about William Tell, what era-- I know he had an overture.

That's it. There is an overture. Yeah. Four William Tell was William Tell, a fictional character. You went to Harvard, smarty pants, you tell us.

Daddy wore bucks. That would be work if you were rich. I meant like an egghead. Yeah. Einstein?

There we go. Einstein's better. Oh, my game didn't take all of it. You are so off your game. You're just a big mess.

And it's delighting me. You room for the nicks? This is the Boston. Yeah, I am. You know why?

You know why? You're okay, rooting for the nicks. I think it's a good thing for New York. I spend a lot of time in New York. I haven't had a title since '73.

I'm very happy for them. You're a self-expans, listening to you right now. I know. What a sellout. Yeah.

He's just shit, you wouldn't be happy. Look there. That's my Boston accent, by the way. What self-expans has ever committed violence. Look it up.

I don't think it's happened. I think I'm on safe ground. I think I'm on safe ground. Very very Boston. It's so hard.

Very safe. I think I'm happy for the nicks. I am. No, you can't. Yeah.

You can. You can. No, there's like three guys in Dorchester right now. Piste. Yeah.

There's a guy in Ale Wife right now pulling his hair out. I can't do anything. I can't do anything. I can't do a brain tree accent, but not a quincey. I can't do anything.

I can't do it. I can do jokes. I can do jokes. I can't do jokes. Pretty good.

I want to come to Massachusetts. I only do region by region. I'm the Fred Armisen of Massachusetts. I thought that's something today that would be funny. And you'd have been good at this.

This would be a great thing for you. But I was convinced I should do this.

They're looking for a sweet possibly the head back to Madison Square Garden. It's just like a huge thing.

“And all these hardcore nicks fan to bend their for years.”

Like shallemays hardcore nick fan, bend stiller. Spike Lee has been in every nicks game since they created basketball. I don't really really funny if I dressed up in all this nicks regalia. And somehow forced my way in. And did one of those things that some celebrities do where they act like.

I've been a fan all along, but they're just there for the gravy. And people, I love ideas where people would hate me. So much. But somehow I get a decent ring size. It's like court side sheet.

And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And I keep going over to Shaleman and trying to hide five of him and stiller. And I've just got nicks goggles and a goofy foam hat. And we're number one. People would be so justifiably mad.

And then in interviews, I don't know who any of the players are. And I'm not even sure how the game is played. Hey, they were shooting again.

That's getting the first out.

And when do they hit a homerun already? And then I'm like, go, connect. Go, connect. When people get so mad? And if you were, we got these tickets for free.

F-R-E-E-3. I even had the money and the fintel badges. I called W-M-E and I said, make it happen. Get me into see the connection. When the world's series of basketball.

Get what a dick move. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You must be fascinated by those things. Because that's been, I've been, I've been, I haven't told anybody this.

Got it. I've been photoshopping fake injuries of nicks players and sending them to my friends who are diehard nicks fans. So I've been photoshopping fake TMZ articles. Like, runs in Tores ACL this morning with today's date.

Yeah.

And texting them to my friends who are diehard nicks fans.

And they're like, I swear to God, Eric. Like, you're voodoo, whatever you think is funny right now. It is not funny. You are not funny. And the more angry they get, the more I'm cranking out these fake photoshopped articles

of injured nicks players right now. Yeah. I'm losing friends. I'm losing friends. So bad.

But also just to like, I mean, yes, to say things like, what, text people early in the morning.

“Why was Brunston operating a wheat treasure in the first place?”

Yeah. Wait, what? I don't know. - No. - Why would they trade Josh Hart to the Pistons now?

(laughing) - I don't know. - We can't do in game three of the finals. They're gonna trade 'em. Okay.

(laughing) - Sergi. (laughing)

- And my friends are bullying their hair out.

- Well, they, of course, they take everything with a, but I tried it. I mean, I think I do stuff like that all the time, where I'm just steadily serious. And I can still convince you, Sona.

- Yeah, I know, I fall for it. But you guys both seem to like humor that only you think is funny. - Yeah, it's about humor. - You want to make a richer effort.

I'd have Kevin Hart's begger count, hopefully if I didn't have that affliction. (laughing) I forgot you got to do comedy for other people. And then I still don't see it that way.

- I still don't see it that way. I'm still a, if you like this, you can have some. (laughing) - And if you don't, get out of my store. - I'll talk to Ali Wong and she's like,

on a private jet on her way to play like a soccer stadium in Qatar. And I'm doing like the chuckle hut and coyote bladder, Mississippi. Like cast it out flyers outside of the venue.

I'm like, man, I should probably start writing jokes that more than three people like. - Also, I really, yeah, I got some pretty good laughs falling 15 feet onto some spikes. And then just a recovery time.

By the way, do you have lifelong injuries? - No, no, no, no.

“I mean, you should bring the jackass guys in here.”

Those guys are very injured. - Well, Johnny Neville can evil. - When Johnny Knoxville starts going through some of his injuries, it actually makes my stomach wheeze.

- He's been here and I love the guy, but he's, I mean, he broke his penis. - He broke it. - Yeah, and he had a catheter. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his eyeball fell out and don't want to move. He had the connection to the back end. - He didn't even admit it there. - I had injuries that I used to brag about them,

but when I started hanging out with those guys, I'd like, oh, dear board. - It sounds like, how they like, England would torture people in like the year 1133. Like whatever you read about the dark ages,

you're like, "God damn, England really hated people." - How did you, your tongue got torn out and then shoved up your ass? And so that was back where your tongue goes. - Yeah.

- What stunt were you doing where that happened? - England was England was being quite rude for about 7,000 years to their own people and all their neighbors.

They were being less than polite.

“- Yeah, they were a little cranky perk up with those years.”

And they got another system. - Yeah, then they went to India and Africa and they chilled out. Then they were cool. Then they were chill.

Then they were chill and Australia. They were quite rude to the world. - England. - You made this big in England down a peg on this show. Don't you?

- Don't you? - I won't be silence. You will be silence. Love you, England. - I'll abandon your Irish, whatever Irish you have

because you could be a little Scottish too. - There's no, I'm 100%. - Yeah, I'm just saying, yeah, I was trying to pander to you and you didn't take the bait now. I was like England sucks, right?

(laughing) - Cause guess what? - March 17th is coming up next year. - You're freaking out today, don't you? - You ever ate up for you?

- Have you ever eaten me where green on Saint-Petersburg? - Never ever.

“- And when you thought you would be like,”

hey, cause green Irish people don't like Irish people. (laughing)

- I always see, yeah, which is the thing.

We just don't, you ate everyone equally. - That's good. - I think it's good. - That's healthy. - I'm gonna change the subject

and I'm gonna do something this semi-professional but don't hate me for it. - You made a good picture of me and I feel very uncomfortable every time you look down at it. - You made a movie.

You made a movie that's coming out. - And it's a tough absence, emails at the bottom of your nose. - J-E-E vacations at Gmail with my body drawn. So I can't-- - I can't. - I can't.

- I can't. - I can't. - I can't. - Hello. - You made a movie called Little Brother.

Very funny movie with you and Mr. John Cena. And you do, there's a lot of you, very funny but doing very physical stuff. - Yes.

- And I pray to God you have a body double

for these things because. - There's some truly cartoonist scene. - Please tell me, there's someone who looks a lot like you who's getting thrown into a wall at 600 miles an hour. - This can neither be confirmed nor deny.

I'm like Tom Cruise, I'm taking it to the grave. - Wow. - And yes, of course, I paid a 25 year old Puerto Rican guide as soon as you fly through glass, I'm in my 40s now. I'm not, you know, I enjoyed myself enough on my own show.

I need a little help now. - I need a little help. - I need a little help. - The scene, remember, is you made this movie with John Cena and you guys were very funny together.

“But I think John Cena once seriously injured you, didn't he?”

- Poor John, so he, he, in reality, he did not. He did, well, he, we did a stunt that went, - This was like, back in 2000, I believe? - No, 2000. - Yeah, I was kidding, I was trying to see how healthy you are now.

No, it was 2020, was this 2020, I think it was 2020. - You're from the show Golden Girls, right? - We're talking about Blanche Blanc. (laughing) I love your work, I love your podcast.

- I remember. - Your questions are all over the place, but kindness is, kindness is strangers. Look, I'm just talking about Blanche Blanc quality about you, I'm just realizing you.

- I'm just, I was very beautiful in my youth. (laughing) - Some people, yeah, I'm a little blanche. - Randy old woman. - No, no, no, Randy old lady.

(laughing) - And I'm floating around my New Orleans apartment. - There's Boca-Retown, Florida, where the show took place, sectionally. - Streetcar?

And you're doing your own streetcar? - Yeah. - What is it like? - I'm talking golden girls. - Is it Duvoir, is it Devaro?

- It was Blanche Devaro. - Yeah, on Golden Girls. - The Golden Girls. - The Reds Duvoir. - That's Duvoir, that's Duvoir.

- This streetcar name is Devaro. - So I was right in Yorby and Lee, right? - The actress. - Yes. - Devaro's Blanche Duvoir.

- Yeah. - My entire life, up till this moment, I thought Blanche Duvoir was the Redhead on Golden Girls. - I do get Y. They both have French last dates.

- This might be-- - And almost names are almost identical until the last couple syllables. What is it, it's Blanche Devaro? - Devaro.

- Devaro. - This entire life in a broken joke for five minutes. And you did nothing to help me. - This entire podcast is one of the, it's like seven garden hoses that are hopelessly

and narrowed together, and one of them's leaking. And we're trying to untangle them to figure out which one to turn off the water, but we can't. And there's just water everywhere. - We're still in the jelope with the triangle wheels.

Like, where is this ash? - How long he was talking about the Golden Girls and how long he were talking about a streetcar. - The we were vibing man. We had a riz.

I didn't know what that means, but we don't know how it is. - We were quoted it. - I have to say, I have to come clean here. I just got off a plane very recently from Morocco. - My mind is not working, and you know what?

Yours isn't working either, and I don't think you have an excuse. And together, we're just a big hot mess.

This is a disaster.

- Why were you in Morocco?

- I do some business there. - Yeah, you were a sluggish.

“- Again, I will come here to confirm or deny.”

I'm Tom Cruise, if he was smuggling hat. - No, no, what did you ask me? - I did travel show. - I did travel show. (laughing)

- You know, this is like a cop, a cop. - Oh, the devil show. - This is like a cop who pulls a guy over, but the cop and the guy are both drunk. (laughing)

- Can't see, here wallet. Wait, wait. You have to step out of the airplane. It's a car. Wait, what?

(laughing) - We're just too big messes interrogating each other. I don't know who's in charge here anymore. - Oh, I didn't have a glitch. - Wow, wasn't the one for the Golden Girls.

- I watched Golden Girls when I was young

with my grandma, 'cause I lived in Booger, don't find it. - My grandma named us out there with my grandmother over and over again, 'cause I was very closeted. (laughing)

- I just wanted to clear the air. - That liquid has been here for this. - We don't know what that is, I'm kidding us. - This story. - Yeah, I have it again, that's right now.

That's my other problem. - Okay. - Now, see what happened. - What did you really ask? - I really, I truly can't remember.

- I am gonna say this very clearly. - I changed, let me tell you what's going on. - John Cena, in 2020. - Oh yeah, he threw me. - Okay, so he threw me, it's not much of a story.

He threw me through a shelf on the air grinder show. I destroyed the set every time. And I found out he was a big fan of the show. We had him come in.

He grabs me, he's like, ah, grabs me,

throws me through a shelf. That part of the stunt was fine. By our department, we forgot the sandbag down. The shelf and it had a metal frame. And even beforehand, my stunt coordinators like,

that thing's got a metal frame. You got a deep chair, I don't like that prop. I don't like that prop. - You see, I don't like that prop. - I go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

dude. (laughing) I don't pay the thing, dog. (laughing) Now, show me those abs, daddy.

(laughing) And then, Cena threw me through the thing. He did the stunt properly. I went through the thing properly, but then the thing went, it went over.

And it was the only season of air gun to show. I got rid of all my body hair on purpose. I bicked my head bald. I waxed my pubic hair. That you can't even see on TV.

“A lot of glazer goes, you have to blur your crotch”

for why did you wax your pubes? That doesn't even translate, I go. - Oh yeah, I don't know, I didn't think about it. - These are the things, these are the things professionals talk about it.

- I have one question. - Yes, Alana. - Why did you wax your pubes? - That's a good point. So, so I didn't have my hair works like antennas.

Like I know when stuff's coming, 'cause I have big hair, you have big hair. So, I didn't feel a coming and the thing went over him. Boom, gave me a big Fred Flintstone. And I got a concussion.

I like got dizzy, I was talking about things that didn't make any sense. And I went to the hospital, I got a cat's cat. - And you immediately booked a podcast. (laughing)

- That I came in my head, that was 10 minutes before I showed up. (laughing) - That was a reasonable trip to Morocco, ever. I'm trying to pitch a travel show right now. I pitch to the network you're on.

And because of you, they go, "We already have a travel show." And I go, Conan stole my idea that I stole from Anthony Bourdain. - Yes! (laughing)

Trust me, listen, you can have my travel show. I will give it to you. But you still have to call it Conan O'Brien, must go. But it's with you and we don't even explain it to anybody. And you get all the money in the glory, and I just am like,

"Yeah, people are like, "What is that white? "Why is it Conan O'Brien must go?" - For five minutes, you were my Newman. I was like, "Oh, Brian, hold me, hold me, hold me. "Who is nip it at my heels?"

I'm eating canned beans by fucking candlelight. - Oh my god, I'm so happy. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I called myself, I just did an ego, and I think I'd take the elevator back up. (laughing)

- Shredding.

“- You should've, I mean, I'm on like 55 peptides.”

- I'm gonna be ripped by the end of this interview. (laughing) - But I'm gonna have to handle this, brass. Like Vivienne Leigh and the street car named Desire. - It's Leigh, like Vivienne Leigh, and Golden Pearl.

(laughing) - I got hooked, I got hooked, I got hooked, I got hooked, I got hooked, I got hooked, I got hooked, I got hooked. I got hooked, I got hooked, I got hooked. - You could be on what I'm on.

- Yeah, I got on what I'm on. I got on, I got on, I'm pretty late for a guy with my affliction. - Yeah, that's how I feel like, that was just for a really long time than anything. - What do you think that is pride?

- I'm like, why did I wait so long? - I know in my case, it was just, nope. You don't take anything to make life easier. - Yeah. - And then you do things to make life harder.

- Yeah. - So I hair shirted it, and I just was like, "Well, it's hair shirted it."

I don't know, you're, that's sort of phrase.

- Yeah, you wear a hair shirt. I just, I don't know where you're from. - I collapsed. - I still Bronx used to wear it to do like, self-punishment.

- Yes, it's a kind of putting on a hair shirt. - It's like Irish Catholic repression. - Yeah. - It's like repression. - Yeah, repression or self-enless the ties.

Was it like that kind of thing? - Yeah. - I like reducing you to a stereotype. That's what I'm trying to do. - You, you are reduced me to a stereotype.

- Only it's exactly true. (laughing) - You're right. - Hey, Celtics, right? - England, bad, Celtics, good.

(laughing) - I can't handle it. - And I do live under a magical mushroom before us. (laughing) - I can't handle it.

- You're putting on a hair shirt. It says, is this phrase, but basically,

“I think that's what I was doing was saying,”

I know something that makes life a little easier for you, fuck that. It's supposed to be hard. - And I did that when I went around. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Past the age when I should have been doing that. - So in your 90s now, so what would I do? - You know what I mean? - Okay, yes, did I fight in World War II? Yes.

Was I old then? - Yeah. (laughing) - I went into the battle at 35 years old. (laughing)

- And you fought for the Japanese. - And I fought for the Japanese, the cars they make in 20 years,

they're gonna be fucking amazing.

- Should have done my homework. - Anyway, now they're Guinness. - So sweating. - You are your big mess. - But, watch this.

- But, did climax, several times. - I can't. - It's quite hot here. - I just, so don't have to worry. - Don't worry, Josh.

- No, she's throwing you some clean-axe. You can wipe the sweat. - Try to slide it like a fart in there, but... - I don't want to get a balloon. - I just see giant.

- And it's empty. - And there's one in there.

“- I was like, do you want me to throw that out for you?”

- No, no. - You're not even hanging. - But I just want to get it back to you. - I'll have badges of tissue all over my head. We'll, we'll try to be works.

- No. - You may have moved me. - With John Cena. - Yes.

- It's called Little Brother.

- You guys are really funny together. - Thank you. - And I've been trying to talk about it all the time. (laughing) You're all over the place.

(laughing) - We got it, dude, you went to Morocco. (laughing) But now you're back to the USA. A country with absolutely zero problems, baby.

- Hey, don't you dare make political commentary here. - Don't you dare. - I didn't say it worked. - You were saying, you were saying, you were saying, do they got that chair?

And you lit 'em a rock in Paris? - No, they got no, they don't. - Thank you. - I can't, USA to every foreign country I go to. - And they like it.

(laughing) - Don't be more of the US, USA. - It wears stars, but I just like Uncle Sam. (laughing) Star Spangled.

- Top hat, outfit. - And I just went back to the beginning of the pod. When I talked about the worst Halloween custom I ever had my mom, God bless her soul, but she said, I'll take care of it and she got me an Uncle Sam costume.

And it was like 19. (laughing) - I had a Vietnam 1970 dream. - Water game. - And I was like, and we've talked about it years ago

in the pod, can you remember? - Yeah, we bought it. - Do an image of it? You got to put a picture.

“- Yeah, we did, I think, find one, yeah.”

- Put a picture on, put a nude, put a nude image of yourself on the street right now. - Talk to some clicks. - Let's see what you're working with. - I think you'll be quite pleased

that yours isn't like that. (laughing) - I want to see what you put your wife through. I'm gonna say twice a year. - Oh, why, she's crap.

(laughing) - You're so far off, who ate the big curry. - Star, why are you just laughing a lot? - Why can't you jump in and say, that's not true. He's very sensual.

- And can you? - I would, I'd say that. - Just from what you've heard. - Ah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - There's was at my back on these things.

- I can't hear her and they're sensual. - Can we talk about my movie, Conan? - I don't want to. (laughing) - Dude, help me out, dog.

(laughing) - You guys are funny together. - Try to plug that thing here. - Why don't I do it, 'cause you're in no state. You're crashing, you've chipped the wrong pills.

You need to get a real. - Five milligrams of Zola, dude, I'm party, and ugh, isn't it funny in your 20s? You're like, you're like, text your friends. Get me Coke, get me Molly, get me mushrooms

and you're 40s right, get me propitious Zola. (laughing) - Well, you're trying to- (laughing) - Something to moisten my gums.

(laughing) - Is that a thing? - You bet it is. - What? (laughing)

- You make this movie, it's very funny. - Thank you. - And my curiosity is, you guys must have known beforehand that you, you do well together. I mean, clearly, he had been on the show,

he had thrown you through a bookcase, but. - I love what he, well, we're totally opposites. - The way we look, the way we behave, so I knew, like, instantly, that's a recipe for a good comedic duo.

- And I love his work ethic, and he's got comedic chops.

“You look at him, and he's a giant lumberjack.”

It's like, he doesn't make sense. He doesn't, he shouldn't exist, but he does. He knows Mandarin fluently, didn't he? - No. - He plays virtuoso like piano, like concert piano.

He's the most interesting man in the world. And like, he's just, he's got comedy chops. It's not fair. - No, it's not fair. - And you have to have comedy chops.

Or no one will talk to people across the street. - Very good athlete. (laughing) - And a male model, and a, here you go. - Oh, all right, yeah.

- But anyway, no. - I look like stuff allowvegas. - Yeah. (laughing) - Not something on the spot.

You told me you had great teeth growing up. That's what I think. (laughing) - 'Cause you are a handsome man and you're taught.

You're taught and you aren't a handsome man.

But as soon as you said, you had great teeth. - You had great teeth. - And one of my mouth. - I go, that's why he's a comedian.

- I was like, there are plenty of other reasons I have to comedian. - But the great teeth, they help. - You need those things as a child. - People are surprised when I like,

I tell them I meditate, and I do my homework, and I got like straight days in school. They're like, "What?" - Yeah. - They think I dropped out of like fourth grade,

and just like eight candy until like now. (laughing) - Hey, they think I'm just like, I eat a gummy worm sandwich every morning. (laughing)

(laughing)

“I think I go home and I'm just like, (laughing)”

(laughing) (laughing) (speaking in foreign language) (laughing) - Which yes, I do do some of that. (laughing)

But you don't want them talking about. - Well, I know, except I really do those things at home, and I don't meditate. So I could use more Eric, you know? - I don't want to snort some legs of bro dog.

(laughing) Which one are you on? I got, I'm on a new one. - I'm really, I'm just on straight prosack. - Oh, old school.

- Old school. - I mean, prosack, and my prosack was developed in the 50s. - Oh, you have vintage, you have like an artisan - Yes, it says very hard to say. - Yes, so he's dot con as prosack.

(laughing) - And you run out a lot. - Yeah, more for prosack. - Yeah, it says, goes well with cigarettes. - When you started, the demons just go,

and you were like, oh, I didn't have to live like that for that long. - He was annoying. (laughing) - There's no thing, what was that all about?

But no, I credit Andy Richter. Andy Richter's the one that said, you know, why don't you get some, - Take the help. - Yeah, and it doesn't change who you are, anything. - I thought it would, that's the other thing I did.

- That's why I didn't do it.

“- That's why I was, I was like, I won't be comedic.”

- Yes, that's what I thought. - Yeah, and clearly, I'm right because I've been a mess this entire time. But I was like, it'll change my personality. I don't want to be like, kind of tonic.

I thought I was going to be like, Jack Nicholson, when he gets electric shock therapy in one floor at the coogusiness, just like, like, vegetableed, and I was like, I can't, I, that'll ruin me. But I was, I guess that's part of it.

- Yeah, exactly. - Yeah. - I'm obsessed with compulsive thought loops to pressure. I'm really just bringing this podcast down. - No, I think--

- And I won't let you plug the very movie I'm in. - We're not plugging that anymore. We're now plugging Lexa Pro. (laughing) Eric Andre, you are what I want to be when I grow up.

You're just, you're, you're just, I, so love being around you, being super serious.

- Like, I just, I've always loved you.

All the times you came on my show, crashing through things. And you're just a force for good. So I'm super happy for you. I'm happy if you've made this, I mean, and again, there's not just the movie.

There's also this album that just tickles me. Film scores for films that don't exist. You're such a hyper talented guy. And please come back and make even less sense. - Next time.

- 'Cause these are my favorite episodes. They really are. - They're good. - Peace out. (laughing)

- Right next. - Oh. - Oh. - Go to no, he says, "Peace out too" "Pock" whenever he ends up eating.

(laughing) (upbeat music) - You guys want to do a review of the reviewer? - Well, I think the answer is yes. - Okay, great.

- Yeah. - Yes, just as we planned it. - Yes. - This is where I go to Apple Podcasts. I find a review for the podcast,

and we can talk about it or review that podcast. - Okay. - So we have Katie Jordan Wolf. The title is 'Ghost of Christmas Hell', five star review. If Conan had wanted my five stars so bad,

he could have just called instead of haunting my dreams like the Ghost of Christmas Hell. Guys, I'm still reeling. I can't get the cackling image out of my head from a nightmare ahead last night.

I guess the spirit of Conan won't rest until I rate the damn podcast and Ghost of Christmas Hell'd me in my horrific vision. Conan was the villain of Terminator 2 Judgment Day. With, and this might be the most disturbing visual

of the whole thing, a shaved head. He was like a cackling Joker slash, Lex Luther, in a two-tight suit,

(laughing)

“Anyway, thank you Conan for this awful image”

that will haunt me till the day I die, and I will probably somehow linger after I'm long dead buried in the minds of my descendants. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year here.

Take your five stars, he ruthless animal and stop visiting my dreams.

- Oh my God. - What is her first name?

Katie. - Katie. - First of all, great writing. - Yeah. - Great writing, right, or hot. - Really funny.

And help me, 'cause you know these things, the villain in Terminator 2 was at the policeman who has liquid, who turned into liquid hatry. - It's the evil C1000. - It's the evil C1000.

- Don't act like, don't do that. - What, don't do what? - It's the T1000. - It's the evil C1000. - It's a nervousist.

- Thank you. - I'm helping out, yeah. - Can you hear it? - There we go, I'll hear you. - I'll hear you. - I'll hear you.

- Any hoops. (laughing) - Oh, what are you thinking these terms? - So I was a shaved head. - I wonder what a Freudian psychologist would say

about, you know, what does it mean? I'm there cackling, my gosh, shaved head, I don't know what that means. - You can, you kind of are T1000. - Yes, you know, where you're live and like, people, you can slip through jail bars.

- Yes, yes, I can, I'm, first of all,

I am primarily made of liquid metal. But also, yes, I can shape-shift. I'm a shape-shifter, a mine grifter, a high-planned strifter. There's not a thing I can't do, there's no gum, I won't shoe.

- Oh, God. - I see myself very much in that role. So I think it's cool and correct that KDI identified me that way. - Don't you wanna be Arnold Schwarzenegger? - No.

- No, that's awful, 'cause I need to be governor of California and I think the state is ungovernable. So we're gonna find out, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a big thought that California should be split up into smaller states.

- What? - Yeah. - 'Cause it's too big, it's too big, no one seems to be able to run this state north to central in the south. - Yeah, I think there should be three different states.

- Oh, so you do agree? - You agree? - I'm just gonna go with it because it's good for the podcast should we have a strong opinion. - Oh, come on.

- 'Cause it should be subdivided. I think it should be three states. - Which is how? - 'Cause you have a foreign and yeah. - And I live in the state of foreign here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - What is yeah? - I'm in form, but we're headed down to E. (laughing) For Christmas.

And it's so important, but I vacationed here, yeah. - Yeah.

“- Yeah, that's some people believe that that's what should have.”

- Some people believe it should succeed from the union, too, do you? Where do you fall on that? Do we are at the world's fourth largest economy? - Mm-hmm.

- Interesting. No, I don't think so. - Okay. - But I will change that opinion if it gets us more content for the podcast.

- Well, do whatever it takes. So for me to have a strong opinion, do we succeed? I mean, I guess, but then that raises all of its own problems. We could be attacked by Utah on the night and you don't want that. - Utah?

- Yeah, I think we could take Utah. - I don't know, our army, I don't know how our army is. - And also, remember, if we're split into three, then, that's a-- - Oh, you're saying, we're three--

are we three different advocates we succeed were one? - So what do you for us? Breaking into three and staying? - Oh, I'm not getting it. And you're not dragging me into this.

- Well, you are California born in Brad, so you have to weigh in on this. - Well, you're an immigrant, so you-- - What? - You're not a immigrant.

- You're an immigrant. - You can't count over for me. - I can't vote. Immigrants can vote. - What?

(laughing) - Poning. - Yes, we can.

First of all, I'm not an immigrant.

- Yay, I got her. I got her. - I got her. - I was birthoring you. - I'm a four-trap was birthoring Obama.

- I was pregnant. - I was pregnant about it. - I got you uncertain. - I was born here. I was born in Monabella. - Well, which is it?

You keep changing your story. - Stop! I'm saying I'm trying to teach you that immigrants are allowed to vote. And it's okay.

“And I'm glad, as I think they should be.”

And I'm glad we've now changed it. - Oh, wow. - Okay, good. - And whenever that passed, that's great. - Yeah. - I'm for it.

I am for it, and I'm glad that, finally, that's the way we're doing things. - Well, Katie, I hope we answered your question. - I know, what do you, you totally went off topic. I brought up, are I short sneaker

and you started bringing up breaking the state into three parts? - Well, which is it? Do you want to be three different states or do you want it to be one that's the seeds

from the United States? - Don't country. - I want to keep us together. I think we're stronger together. So I'd like to be our own country.

- Okay. - I would love to have a passport that's just like California. - Yeah, and it says chill, dude. - Yes!

- In Latin, on the top. - What is chill, dude, in Latin? - I don't know, I'm not even gonna hold right. - Yeah, yeah. (both laughing)

- Door mate? - Grossy fish? - Grossy fish. - Grossy fish? - Yes!

- Hey, you know what? - That's you. - We're gonna legitimize your citizenship for that. You know what? So now, welcome to America.

- Don't do an accent when you see it. - Everyone says it's on America.

That's, you know what?

It's okay to be an immigrant.

- That's what? - Strong stance I'm taking. - I love immigrants, and I'm so glad that you are here now. (both laughing)

I'm glad I love that you're here now. - Okay.

“- She just listened to me on Radio Free Europe”

when she was growing up.

- In the country of Montevalo

and the country of Montevalo nestled in between Serbia and I gotta get out of here, yeah. (both laughing) - Jesus Christ.

(both laughing) - This is sweet from this podcast. - Yes, yes, we're all here. - Now we're all gonna fill it.

“- Let's break this podcast up until three distinct say.”

- Okay, this is why people are dreaming

or having dreams of you as a villain. - I am a villain, I don't want this. - Listen to this podcast, you are a villain. - I am an archmillon. - Yeah, yeah.

- I'm the Joker and the Rither All Combine. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Peace out, too, Buck. (upbeat music)

“- Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien,”

Sonom of Sessian and Mac poorly, produced by me, Mac poorly. The executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimi Avivino.

Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns, additional production support by Mars Melnick.

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