Leslie Jones Returns

- Hi, my name is Leslie Jones, and I feel

(upbeat music) so conflicted, conflicted, being Conan O'Brien's friend. Can I just say, "So needy." (laughing) Just just, please be my friend.

- No, you know, he's not in my ministry, you know? (laughing) (upbeat music) ♪ All is here in the old back to school ♪ ♪ Ring the bell, bend the shoes ♪

♪ Walk and lose, climb the fence, cook some guns ♪ ♪ I can tell that we are gonna be friends ♪ ♪ As I can tell that we are gonna be friends ♪ - Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs of Friend. I am joined by Matt Gorley. - Hi, hello Matt.

- Hi. - And as Sona is normally with us at this part, she's going to be here for the interview, but at the moment, she cannot join us. - She's in Hawaii. - She's in Hawaii.

“- She'll be back in time, though, for the interview?”

- I know. - She's in Hawaii. - She's on a jet that will land any seconds in American Airlines flight that will land in exactly about 15 minutes, but she's gonna miss out on this part.

But David is gonna be joining us, David Hopping. - Hello. - The assistant who replaced Sona, that's really realized she really wasn't doing anything. You done a terrific job, David. - Hey, thank you.

- And I understand that you have a question for me.

- It's always nice to start.

- I do have a question for you. - So recently, you watched your first episode of Love Island. - Yes, I did. - And I thought it would be fun for you to share with everyone your thoughts on the show.

- That's fair enough. I had heard a lot about this Love Island. I know it's a big show, so I watched a Love Island, and then it was shocked and stunned, not by their beautiful bodies,

and not by the steamy, sensual situations, but by how little they do. They don't, I mean, if they were wearing FitBits or if they were wearing Apple Watches,

“I think each of them in a day would record maybe four steps”

because they sit and hang around, right? And talk, they pull each other for chats, and then they say, I'm gonna go talk to Brenda, and I'm gonna take her to that, and she doesn't, they don't take her someplace interesting,

they're on this house, right? And they say we're gonna take her over to the, you know, Kuku Kove, which is the name of a room, and it's spelled out in neon, and it's four feet that way, and then on an island, do you ever get to see it on an island?

- They're like a villa on the island. - They could be in Westwood here in Los Angeles. I mean, it doesn't matter where they are. They could be in Cleveland, they could be anywhere, because it's okay, yeah, I understand that it's a nice climate,

but they don't do anything, they don't go anywhere,

and they're just always sitting and lounging.

It's all they do, all they can do is just talk to each other, and what are the names of the different nooks? - Oh my God, I'm blanking on the, I don't, Joe. - Jump in here, 'cause Joe is sitting in Fred Wardo, who's the size, well, can I just say,

at Wardo's out, because he said he was busy today, and then I noticed that World Cup games are big one between Spain and France just played,

“and I think maybe that's the cause of his sudden”

about with diarrhea. Okay, so Joe, there's soul ties. - Soul ties. - There's the hideaway. - The hideaway, and these are rooms

that are maybe six feet away from where they all sit. And they get, one of them gets up and goes to the other and says, hey, come with me, and they say, okay, and then they go to a soul ties, or what's it called? - You can't just go to the hideaway, though.

- What do you mean, you got to go to book it in advance? - You got to know someone? - Yeah, they, like if you're a successful couple, they'll put you in there, and it's a villa inside the villa. - Oh, yeah, it's where they get to bang.

- Yeah. - Oh, now we're talking to you. - No, they haven't been sexier. - They can, yeah. - They can?

- Yeah. - But they're not married. (both laughing) And they're not presumably wanting children. It's the only reason to have sex.

I'm sorry, I forgot, this is hosted by the Quaker religion, this episode. - I just don't see that they're doing, they don't seem to know when moves, and everyone's in great shape,

so I know that they're working out furiously when they're not on camera, but for the show, they don't do anything. - They do like a challenge. Did you watch the whole season?

- I did, yeah. - They do challenge the challenge. You just lounged yesterday, you lounged leaning to the right. Today you're gonna lounged, lounged, lean to the left, yeah.

- No, they did this challenge a few nights ago, where each couple had to take different foods, like the guy would put ketchup in his mouth, then spit it into the girl's mouth, then she would spit it into something else.

- I don't know, like birds, yeah. - Or like frat boy hazy, what is this? - Wow. - But it shows that they look different. - And this is a hugely successful thing, right?

- When people become a couple at the end, is that happen? - Yeah. - Do they stay couples? Is there any relationship last year?

“- I think so, like Berge from a few seasons ago,”

as engaged. - Berge. - Yeah. - Who is also on the traitors? I'm sure you are caught up on all the stuff I'm in traitors.

- I'll get to it. - This is how Jill and Jill Biden is in the second 1921. He took her to the hideaway and they banged

and then 70 years went by incredible.

- But some of them say together, and then at the end, the couple who wins gets to split $100,000. - How do they win? - America votes on the love island out.

- But I'm an American, I don't vote. - You need to vote. - Is it true? - Is it true that more Americans vote for love island than vote for the president?

- It's pretty sure. - I would have met. - Oh, I just thought of something and I hope it's not true. I'm gonna say it's not true. - It's a year.

- It's a year. - What's that? - It's easier to vote for love island. - Well, because you have-- - But yeah.

- The current administration's gonna change it. So to vote on love island, you need, you need your verse certificate. - You need special, so yeah, that's a problem. I will not see love island voters disenfranchised.

I will not see that happen. - That's an American. - Yeah.

Can you vote more than once?

- Throughout the season, you get a chance to vote. You can only do it once, like, you know, they'll be like, right, you're the least compatible couple tonight. And then tomorrow night, you rate your favorite couples.

So you can vote once, like, per--

“- I think we're maybe one or two elections cycles away”

from being this, this is the way we vote. - You know what I mean? - And this, you want this person to be your, the president of the United States, you know. - You gotta watch him bang in the--

- In the highlight. - In the highlight? - Yeah. - And maybe that's as good a qualification as any. Who can say?

Who can really say, wait a minute, thinking about it? - No, not a good idea. - David, you are so obsessed with these shows they're your life. - Yeah.

- I think that you love them, too. - No, I just think that you want to admit it. - No, you made you watch an episode. - I was, I think you were talking. David, this is-- - No, David was talking to me about it.

- A lot. - And this is the same thing as happened with Sona. Sona will talk of these shows. - And like any cultural anthropologist, I feel it's my duty to understand what's happening

in the United States. So I watched, I watched a love island. I think I watched one with my wife. And then I watched like half of one on my own. I think I was in New York.

And then I was, I was, I'm not disning anyone who likes it. It just wasn't for me. - Sure. - Because it's, it's too lethargic. I just want people to go somewhere or do something.

- You like a, you like a below deck. - My wife is crazy about below deck. I, I, no, it's still not. (laughing) - It sounds to me like reality TV's getting a little lazy.

Is that what you're saying? - Yes, I think, you know, in the early days, it was you're gonna be on this island. You've got to survive.

“You've got to do this at Or else, you need to get to Belgium.”

And we're gonna pair you with someone who hates Belgium. And you guys are gonna, it's a lot of running around. And I think I like frenetic action. - Okay. - When people were lying around,

I mean, they just practically have like sailing bags to keep, you know, so they don't have to move. I, I don't know, I get bummed down. - Sounds very American. - Well, sorry, sorry I brought it up.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay, well that's my damning indictment of love island. And I'm sure that's gonna sway a lot of people. - Love island is different than love is blind. - Yeah.

- Okay, because that's a lot of love is blind. - Blind blinded? - No.

- Otherwise, I've never actually watched this island,

but I don't know. - But they call to me, I don't know. - I'm pretty sure they like seven pods and they talk and just can't see. - That's all my wife is always watching

when I come in the bedroom and she's breastfeeding. And I don't, I don't understand what's happening after time. - Joe, do you watch that? - You don't even, but to be fair,

you don't understand what lactation is. - I don't. - I don't at all. - Okay, I don't know love is blind at all, which one is that?

- That's the Joe watches at, Joe, let's hear the report. - So they just sit in these pods, they can't see each other, but they talk for two weeks, and they're supposed to fall in love. They just go on like different dates,

they all they can do is hear the other person's voice. - I understand, how do they go out on dates if they're in pods? - It's kind of like zoom without the video. - What is this thing, what is this thing?

- It's a thing, I'm cracking something here. People want to watch reality shows with beautiful people, as long as they're not moving. That seems to be the trend that I've discovered. - Just think they feel better about themselves

when they see a larger, yeah, people. - Right, I might not be hot, but I can get up and I walk to the fridge and get a core's light. I don't just throw that out there, that's probably not our, which is the bear we're pushing?

- A little light. - Okay. - Thank you. You know, I can get up and go and get the beer he said. - Wait, now do you want to get it already?

- No, I didn't forget it already. I just thought like, why give them a free ride? - Oh, yeah, right. - No, you know, the old middle and light. I can beer, anyway, I'm very worried.

I think the problem in America's 250th year is that our reality shows have become more static. - It's funny, you don't worry about reality shows being popular in general. You worry that the reality show format itself

is dying on the vine.

Apparently, people are watching them like crazy, but people are sitting at home on a couch, watching other people sitting there on a couch. And I think this is the-- - You just invented a great reality show,

where you watch people on the couch, watching reality TV. - Or else. - And the technology exists. You're watching people watch you. - Oh my God.

- If they could figure that out, that's a hit formula. I wanna sit and watch people watch me. - You do. - I do. - Let's see if they laugh.

- Yeah. - And you know what? - I did for 28 years on television, yeah. I sat and watched people watch me. And you know what?

It was an erotic ride. - Oh. - More on that later. - Our guest today. - My guest today is a hilarious comedian.

It was a cast member on Saturday Night Live. She now has a new HGTV show called "Rost My Rental" and is currently performing stand-up on her "I'm Hot Tour." tickets are available at justlesley.com.

It's always a fun time when she stops by thrills.

She's here. (upbeat music) Leslie Jones, welcome. (upbeat music) Leslie, last time you were on the pod, you said, "My name's Leslie Jones

"and I couldn't give a shit if I was Conan's friend." - Oh, it's happening. - Oh, it's happening.

“- And so I think we're going in the right--”

- You know what? - You're getting better. - We're getting better. Now you're just conflicted. - I'm conflicted 'cause I don't know

if I want to let Prakhan as a friend. (laughing) You burn really easy. - I burn so easily. - And like the sun literally stays over my house.

So I can never invite you over you. - Yeah, I can't go to visit anyone if the sun is in the sky over their house. I can only go to places where the sun doesn't exist. - It's so funny.

- Yeah. - It's just like you burn. - It's funny, is it funny? - What I'm like making is hysterical. (laughing)

- Us black people enjoy it so much. - You're laughing at me.

- God, we're like, "Dick, never can go outside."

We're gonna move. (laughing) - So nah, back me up on this. If I'm outside for, you'd been with me when I'd been outside in the sun for like maybe 15 minutes.

- You'd been no face now. - You'd be no face now. - I'm just a florist in life. - You literally look like you have all the gargles. - Yeah.

(laughing) - It's immediate. - What happens? I drove to work today in a car with no sunroof. And I look like this.

- This is the sun. - The sun be fucking the shit out of you. (laughing) I am sexually assaulted by the sun every day. - This is the one people I see and I'd be like,

the sun need to take you in the back and strap me to him and just fuck you to you can't see.

“- Well, you need to start filing reports to the police.”

- Yeah. - I need a sun, a soft on you. - I need a restraining order on the sun. - I need a restraining order on the sun. - We need to keep the sun at least 500 yards away from me.

- Get it, brolla. - Oh, sun. (laughing) - Get it, brolla. - Get it, brolla.

- Jesus. - No, I can't be the guy. - If I go Jackson had a fucking umbrella, motherfucker, Jesus. - Oh my God. He did have the umbrella.

That's right. - He did. He had an umbrella. He had a guy that held an umbrella over him. - Yeah.

- So you got, I mean the umbrella is a way to go. - Grolly was you holding an umbrella over my head. - No, I thought you wanted those multicolored umbrella. - Oh, that would make my life. - Hey, what if I just want to see you walking down the street?

What if black umbrella? I feel like that's it. - Yeah, yeah. - So I can take a picture and send it to the inquirer. - No, carousel.

(laughing) - Okay, quiet, I'm gonna put that right on the cover. - Come on, Brian, chill some stuff from sun. - Yeah, come in, run it from the sun after sexual assault last week. - We've a topless new to Kim Kardashian or Conan using sun protection.

Kim Kardashian, no one cares about her, but-- - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh, sorry. - You, I have a quick question. - Right, I'm top.

- Right, I'm top. - Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's not like a raisin in the sun, it's like a cranberry. (laughing) - I'm gonna do my own revival, cranberry in the sun.

Directed and funded by Conan O'Brien. - It's gotta be directed by me. - Will you direct it? - I was so directed.

“- I think you and I have a great chemistry.”

- I think that we should get married. (laughing) - I'll do that. - Why don't you think we would last? - Let's say, okay, we would last a long time.

- You think so?

- Yes, because first of all, I wouldn't have sex with you.

(laughing) - Wait, what? - No, I have to get you the sun's bitch. You have a sun's bitch. - Exactly, you belong to the sun, son.

I don't want leftovers. (laughing) - Wait a minute, so you are married me, but I don't have any marital pleasures.

(laughing)

“- Wait a minute, it's me getting a chance.”

(laughing)

- I'm a red face cranberry in the corner of the room.

- Well, you and some other person are going at it. - Maybe I'm gonna stop it going. Look at the cranberry in the sun. (laughing) - Quit it. (laughing) Quit it. (laughing)

- No, I'm not gonna let the cranberry in the corner. (laughing) (laughing) - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I will come on. - This is terrible, this is terrible turn of event. - This is not like this.

- This is not like this. - The fun is smart of my life when I get to fucking read why people. - Yeah. (laughing) - And not just white people. - Probably the whitest guy you've ever met.

- Ever. - Right. - In the history of white people. - Yeah. - Are you Irish with it, what are you?

- I am 100% Irish.

- Oh, Irish with zero zero zero zero zero.

- Oh yeah.

“- Irish man, like Black women, is that true?”

- Yes. - What's that about? - I don't know. - I had Irish man to read. - You're beautiful.

- You're beautiful. - I had a Irish man to read. - You're beautiful. - You're beautiful. - You're beautiful.

- You're beautiful. - You're beautiful. - I was so insulted, but I was like, - Wait a minute, what my fist? - Put my fist in your tips.

- My fist in your tips. - I don't know, I don't say. - I just want a box. Doesn't matter what's going on. (laughing)

- I got those titties. - I got him real good. - That's what he's doing with my fist. - Fuck. - And I was like, I almost fucked them like a charms guy.

I almost fucked them. But I was just like, it might get violent afterwards. - Yeah. - Yeah. (laughing)

- It fisting. - Oh my gosh. - Yeah, it fisting. - Is it fisting? - No.

- He said, "Put his face in my tips." - Oh, I thought you were a fist. - I don't know. - I don't know. - Oh, that's true.

- I mean, that would have turned me on too, but you know. (laughing) - Okay. - Well, maybe that would have been fun. - I don't know.

- Yeah, he should be short. (laughing) - What's your ideal man? Let's describe him. - Oh, God, here we go with this bullshit.

This is just, he doesn't exist. - No. - You like 'em tall, I guess. - Oh, I described it once. It's somebody who's like, oh, that's Jesus.

(laughing) You're in love with Jesus. - I wanted to be a carpenter. (laughing) I like a guy that works with his hands.

- No, I do. - He's gotta have a lot of friends. (laughing) - At least 12. - At least 12.

(laughing) - No, 11, because Judas is a bitch. (laughing) - But he's fun and a party. - Yeah.

- Get a few drinks, then he's talking shit about everyone. - Then you're talking, Jesus and he's talking shit about Jesus. - Hey, I'm right here. - And, and he's imitating Jesus.

- Really, really. >> No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, five movie. Yep. Oh my god, he was so kind of so fine. Because he had all the hair on his face

his hair. And I carried his picture on my phone and told everybody, like, he's my husband. Like, I had screen shot a picture from the movie and put it and had it as my own phone for the longest time, right? And I was like, you know, right, you know him tell him that I love him. I love him. Then we ended up at a next game together. And it's so funny because I had gotten over him. Yep. You know, these things last about an hour with you. No, they, I mean, he was

by the tin husband for like three years. Oh, okay. I loved him. And then we was at the next game.

First of all, he showed it in me. And I was like, fuck, never meet your heroes, never meet him. And

he was like, a dude. Like, he was like, that was like, I wasn't working. So when he started to ask to, I started to tell him he was like, yeah, I know about you. Everybody tells me that you have a

“picture of me. And then I pulled the picture up and I was like, you need to tell me that this guy doesn't”

exist. And he was like, yeah, that guy doesn't exist. He was like, I think that's it. Don't stay anything else. I love this man. But my ideal man looks like a terrorist. He's just beard, love hairy. That's me too. Just like, yeah. And Lanky, I love Lanky men. Okay. Just I would love them to be just a little bit. But if he's my same height, that's fine. But if he's a little bit taller than me, that would be great. So I'm tall enough. I'm just everything else is not working. Okay. Where's your fucking beard?

I don't even want to see a fucking beard on you, dude. Well, I had one for a while. It was very red. No, it would work the beard. I can work the beard. I didn't see that. You have a picture. Can you pull that up? Oh, yeah, you don't have to pull it up. If I see it and I like it, are you still married? Yeah, I'm still married. But that could change it in a moment. It could change it any more.

it's over with y'all, because you're not going to do that. Oh, there I am. Oh, no. Look at the, what is the hair? What the fuck is the buffer door shit? Well, you look like a,

“that's what I've been doing since you look, I was a kid. I've had that hair. No, I'm sorry.”

I know that hair. How about that? That's my life. Yeah, that is hot. No, no, that's the one on the right. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I thought it was a picture. Me, with a fan. For those of you. No, you do look good there. You do look good there. I like that. And your beard kind of connects. Yeah. I think that I will, I'm going to grow the beard back. I don't think you can. Because of my falling testosterone levels. No, because of the sun,

fucking the shit out of you. You need it already. Fuck the follicles out of you. So the sun fucked me so hard that all my follicles fell out on my face. Is that what you're saying?

Is that what we're saying here? Do you know this is the first time where I feel like I might

come to your defense? You're the same. Well, you're going to fight the sun? Yeah. Oh, you're done to me. You better, you're so happy. This is all I want to do. I can't get the whole thing. You know what? Compared to me, you look like

“Desi Ernet. You're like, you look human compared to me. You know, yeah. He's, I think his beard”

is hot. His glasses is hot. I'm trying to figure out if he's gay or not. Oh. Well, me too. Yeah. No, his wife calls us every day and says, "What do you think?" I mean, what do you think? We re-evaluate every afternoon. I would like to see a younger picture of you too. I bet you was really cute when you were young. Because you're hot. You're hot. Oh, man. That's a very nice thing. Look at Nadia Zona. No. No. She's on my team.

Yeah. I think you Leslie. You took part with Leslie on everything. Oh, no. Oh, no. Why did you shoot up that high school? Why would you shoot up that young girl? Is that all of him? Why are your glasses so big? Yeah. Because it was 19 years old. No. The whole face looks bigger than it is now. I had a face for you. You're fired. You're fired just based on me saying that photo.

“I was dying. I actually like the one way he's holding a drink up. Do you still have those glasses?”

No. You just have to give them back to the car when she'll start. Exactly. Oh, God. I did. You took him for the war. You know what?

I feel like you got your first set of money from getting them lottery tickets.

Oh, there's a lottery number. I'm pretty sure you can put the best episode ever. We're only like 10 minutes in. You couldn't. You couldn't. You couldn't put the glasses on the table when the sun is out. Oh, there's no table. I'll let you get up the moment. This is why I chose the podcast. Oh, God. Safe from the sun. I'm in the dark. This is my favorite episode. This is your like, you're a safe here.

I'm safe. It's like a vampire's coffin. I'm okay. It really is. It really is. Is this true? At one point growing up, you wanted to be a detective. Not a detective. I wanted to be a serial killer finder. Oh, someone who hunts to okay. No. My title is serial killer finder. So when I show up on this thing or is it no I'm proving on that name. Hey, I'm serial killer finder. Give me the clues. Yeah.

Criminal justice was my minor. Yep. And I loved all the classes. And I was like, Oh, because you know, everybody in my family's and, you know, police or my answers. This is true. The first one they just around you and you're like, Yeah, it would be part of it. I'm

going to, you know, and it was interesting. And I always solved all the all of the, you know,

SVU cases I saw them on. And I was like, Yeah, I can do this. Then we had to learn how to shoot a gun. And I didn't, I didn't like it. So I told them, it's okay. I can still do this. I don't have to have a gun. Columbo never carries a gun. Right. And they were like, you're an idiot. Yeah. Columbo does have a gun. Actually, I don't think Columbo I don't. He's a raincoat. He had a little, like the little, what's that little black gun that's a revolver? Oh, yeah, the 38 that he

will pull out. I never saw it. I think I think so. And it was like he was a policeman. He had a gun. You're idiot. So, okay. So then that's when everybody knew that. I probably should go to be the comedian. It's the only next step. Yeah. I don't think it could be in one person. I have to be a comedian. But it, I love crying. I love solving it. Yeah. I love solving it. And I think I would be a really, like I talked to, um, well, her name is Marisker, but I call her Olivia. And she's already

and she'd be like Marisker. I'm not going to call you that. Okay. What do you want? I want to be on the show. Oh, Marisker. I want to be on the show. But I don't want to be a policeman. I want to be a

“criminal. Oh, because I know how to think like a criminal. And I want to be, you should do that.”

Yeah. But I want to be like a really shitty person. Like I laugh when they be like, you know, to women die because, you know, they didn't do what I told them to do. That's incredible. No, but what they, this is just a yes. I would say this would be a yes. Okay. Yeah. Let's make that happen. Why not? Um, I don't think people think of me for stuff like that because they go, oh, she's a

comedian. She does comedy. But I am totally into being dramatic. I but I've always wanted to play a

serial killer. You know, serial killers have a, like, the so-and-so killer. What would be your, like, method, you know, you want to know? Yeah. Oh, my God. Seriously, I wrote a whole thing about. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, so, so, so, like, uh, I'm so traumatized about me. But I think I always have had this hero type thing where I've always wanted to be a hero and say people and stuff. So, the twisted mind of me, um, you know, I'm pretty sure, uh, okay, the way that I wrote the story,

I go to jail in any way. Anyway, the way that I would do it is I would find like men who are mistreating their women. And then I would kidnap them. And then, you know, because no one gives a

“fuck about them. Right. That's why they're being such pieces of shit. And I would kidnap them.”

And I would keep them in this room that's soundproof. And I would just torture them. And until

they beg me to kill them. Uh-huh. So then when they say, just kill me, I'll be like, he's, he's asking, it's mercy kill. Uh-huh. So, I have to help him. And you're the mercy killer. Yeah. But I beat his ass. Like he beats his women. I beat his ass. Like, like, I make him pee on his arm. Yeah. And so he gets to the point where he's like, just get away. All right. And then I'll be like, I've been waiting for you to say that.

Yeah. Yeah. I was out there. Did you whip him with a cat? What was that? That was, Brown? Is this, is it a sword? That was the knife. And then it was the sound effect of the music that

plays. Oh, okay. I thought you were in front of they came down to what you grabbed a cat

by the tail. No, right. The cat I got shit to do with him. Cats creeping around. I don't know. She's my partner. The, she got one chore to do. He let me know when it's time to kill that guy. They know when the police is coming. So, um, okay. You've just pitched this right now. Now, I am willing to direct this. We're willing to, yeah. We're willing to direct it and also help write it. You know, I was a writer back in the day and maybe participate in the profits a little

bit. But I would be happy to throw you know what I want you to be. What the sheriff. Okay. And I don't just, I don't approve of your methods. No, you're trying to catch me. I'm trying to catch you. Yeah. But you date. Okay. And I'm like, oh, I want it. I want to get my fist in those titties.

“I'm the Irish sheriff. You have to have the Irish accent. Yeah. There's no way I'll do this. We'll be”

without you. Oh, what's up? What's happened to that fella? What was up? He was in the lady. Well, you've been gone missing. Yeah. So, you're doing the case. And that's how I'm involved in myself in the case. I started dating you. Yeah. And you're like, you know, all these missing people and stuff. Oh, wow. Do they have any clues? Yeah. And then what do you say? I say, oh, no. They've got to fill a couple of clues. But not much, not much that leads

anybody in particular. No. I don't think so. And by the way, it's okay if we move into the shade. It's a little hard fright now. Yes. Yes. Why am I a little cranberry? Yeah. Thank you. By the way, Sarah, I took a swing at your titties last night. It's okay. It's such an erotic thrill for an Irishman. Put on his his left hand boxing gloves and go after the boobies was check this out. So then you catch me. Right. I catch you. No, you catch me. Well, you kind of accidentally catch me.

Right. I walk in. No, you don't walk in. You, you leave the house. Right. And then you hear something and you go around and you catch me. Mm-hmm. Dragon. You don't catch me. You see it. Yeah. You see it happen. I see it. I'm watching the bushes and I see your dragon and the guy's body. Yeah. And then you try to confront me and then I take your ass. Okay. But I don't torture you. I make you watch me torture. And I'm not explaining to you. So I can do it. I can

front you and I go. I just saw you. That's terrible what you did. It's terrible. Oh, it's a pity. It's a shame. I loved your son. We've got a fantastic sex life. Oh, it's a pity. She's just. But now I've got to be taken you in. So how do you overpower him? Do you take his gun?

It's hard to overpower you. Why does it put you in the ocean? Can you help me? What's the

opposite of an Emmy? I put an infrared light on you. I'm blind too. I can't see. And then you drag me out. I figure out that you know. Yep. So, you know, you kick it with me one night and I drug you and then. Oh, I'm feeling sleepy. Oh, I mean, there was a morphice. Oh, here I go. Green hearts yellow clothes.

“So yellow moves. Oh, that's how he's when I snored a little. The little colored marshmallows come out my”

mouth. Oh, oh, oh, you're too in bottom of the edge. Oh, I just job like that. So anyway, I love this. I make you watch and I explain to you really logically what my and you're like, you're fucking psychopath. Yeah, but maybe I'm turned on by it. No, you're trying to talk me off the, you're like, that's this, I'm not Leslie, but whoever the character's name is, you're not talking reasonably, you're losing your mind. You know, because something happened to me

when I was younger, you know, like I wouldn't, my, what the story that I wrote is that my father was very abusive and my mother ended up committing suicide because of the abuse. Okay. And then I was trying to protect my sister one day because he went after her. And we're fighting and she falls down the stairs and I think that he kills her. So I kill him. They put me in an institution. And then the girl that fell on the stairs, she didn't die. She just got paralyzed. She ends up turning

to big house into like a nursery, like a greenery nursery. And then, you know, she's visited me and jail and stuff then. I get out of jail. She tells me, you know, I can't go downstairs because of my wheelchair. You can have the whole basement. And then I go to her, but she tells me to get out one night and I go to a bar and I see this guy beat Noma's girl. And I just meet him in the bathroom. - What's the name of the show?

- It's not a show, is it? - I know. - I know. - A movie. - What's the name of the show? - It's not a show, is it? - I know. - I know. - A movie.

- What's the name of the show? - It's not a show, is it? - I know. - I know. - A movie. - What's the name of the show? - It's not a show, is it? - I know. - A movie. - What's the name of the show?

- It's a show, is it? - I know. - A movie. - What's the name of the show? - It's a show, is it? - I know. - A movie. - What's the name of the show? - It's a show, is it? - That's... Jack A comes in and every...

- So Jack A's in this? - Well, now we gotta go get Jack A. This is gonna cost money. - A little company. - A little company. - Okay, now my God, I love laughing like that.

- You're just ruined our lives. - Oh my God, we can workshop that title. - I don't know. - I don't know what to do with you. - Leslie, I just love it. - I just love it. - Can you tell me what would you say if you said,

"I Conan O'Brien" and did that blank thing with friends with Leslie Jones? - Oh yeah. - I feel like I won the lottery.

“- Oh, that's what I was saying. - That's what I was saying.”

- You're so freaking funny.

- Thank you. - We always have a blast.

We always have a good time. I get it. You wanna kick the shit out of me. Most people do, but it's great chemistry. - It's just... - I don't wanna kick the shit out of me.

- I just wanna put you verbally. - Yeah. - And I feel bad about that. - That's no case. - Every time I put it long as I was like, "Conin, hey, it's me." 'Cause every time he sees me, I give him such shit.

And he just be standing there like, "What the fuck are you doing?" - No, I don't say, that's not true. - I always love it. - I always love it. - I always love it. - I always love it. - I love it.

- I love it. - She's like, "She's so me." (laughing) - Why? - Why would I have you here? - I love you. - I love you. - I love you. - I love you. - I love you. - I love you.

“- That's what it crossed from you. - I love you. - I love you.”

- I love you. - I love you. - I love you. - I got my permission to call him. 'Cause you were hosting the Oscars someday, which I thought you did so good. - I actually thought you really did good. - That's it.

- And I was like, "Can you tell 'em that I don't hate him?"

- But I always, I mean, I never took it that way.

- No, I just must have the way that I enjoy people is them telling me I'm a ridiculous cartoon character that somehow came to life. - I enjoy that. - But you're funny, too, though. - Oh, I know.

(laughing) - Once you go tell Messi, he's a pretty good soccer player. - Oh, my God. - I mean, I'm sorry. - Who's Messi? - Leonardo Messi, the Argentinian.

- Oh, yeah, why are you saying he? - 'Cause I, oh, I think it was comparison. - I'm not, no, no, no. - Not at all. - Not at all. - I am the World Cup winner of the Chuckle Getters.

- Oh, yeah, the Chuckle Getters. - Yeah, that's the proud tradition I'm in.

- Not at comedians. - Oh. - I'm gonna stop it right now. Are you having a stroke on that? (laughing) - Is this what happened, John, just entertained, is bullshit? (laughing)

You are fucking delusional, but-- - Not at all. - Thank you. - Not at all. (laughing) - Oh, God. (laughing) - How am I, you guys? - You also just, I'm a fool.

- I'm a fool, I'm just, I'm just made a 100. - You can create laughter. - I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a 100% foolishness.

“- You really, what's up about Keenan Thompson for a second?”

- Oh, my God. - Because, because you, I love Keenan. And he's been on that show, I think since 1935. I think he joined when FDR was in his first term.

And he's still there, but I've always thought,

what is it about this guy? He's really funny, but he also feels like he's the glue. And then I was reading, you said somewhere, you think of Keenan leaves the whole thing is gonna go apart 'cause he's like,

and I thought, yeah, I think you're right. - Well, I mean, you know, SNL is an institution, that we'll always go on. I just don't think it would be the same, I think without Keenan,

but we thought that about Seth Meyers too. And we thought that about Jimmy Fallon. We thought that about a lot of people that came. But Keenan is just like, first of all, let me just say, Keenan, when my brother passed away,

my, me and my brother didn't have the best relationship, but when I met Keenan, Keenan literally automatically became my brother. Like, he became the nicest version of what my brother was. Like, my brother could be what Keenan was

if that made any sense. And he is just truly himself. And very, what do you call it when someone comes around and just automatically gets respect? I don't know, like, he's just very respectful.

So when people, when he comes around, it's like, you know, you know, he's just,

“well, you know, the word I think of with him is it's like,”

he's grounding somehow like he's, he's very, he's very comfortable being himself. You know, it's a waste of time to say his funny 'cause that's a given.

He's got a funny, but he's always,

he's like a quiet grounding presence. Oh my God, you did not believe how many times Keenan has had to ground me. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he would be laughing at me

'cause I would be so frustrated of that. I can't understand that. And Keenan would just be like, man, I don't know why you let that bother you. (laughing)

That don't kind of nothing to do with you. Just come to work, come to work, do your work, leave work. And he just knows how to put everything in a place that's what I think. And that's what I think too.

And this isn't a dishonest in hell, but it isn't always the healthiest place. It's not. It really isn't. You have to be a samurai mentally.

Yeah, and it doesn't number and I've seen very, I don't, Keenan's one of the few people I've seen, be at that show for a long time,

always have a positive impact.

And always be a star, always be a star player, but you get the sense that it's not taking something away from him. It's not, and that's the thing. He knows how to put it in his place. He never let it get out of the place that it was.

And he would just, even like, you're so frustrated for nothing. This is a job, leave this job, come back to this job. He was like, anything, leave that shit here. He was like, these people are gonna do what they wanna do, just be you, be you, care about you.

And I didn't get into, I got ready to leave, you know, but yeah, he's incredible. Incredible human, incredible father. He loves his kids. Great father, great man.

It's funny 'cause you're in the same category for me if someone who always knows you always know exactly who you are.

“Well, I think a lot though, Conan, you know?”

I mean, thank God, think I'm here, 47. Yeah, I'm so glad they didn't give me my 20s and my 30s. It's not so funny because I can't think of you as being other than how I've known you, right? And you, oh, I would have fucked you.

I would have fucked you, I would have fucked you. And in my 20s and 30s, I would have fucked you. I would've said if you had a girlfriend, whatever, I'd have been like, let's go hook up. So, where were you then?

How come we didn't, where were you living in? How are you doing on that time machine? Because you definitely would have got some pussy from Leslie. No. You're short-circuiting.

No, why is she in the real area? It feels like it's disappearing, like he's fading back into you. It's just thinking about that time machine tech now. Yeah, that's the meanest thing someone did. Oh, how'd I fucked you back then?

Wait, when? Where were you? You're not in the world. You're not in the world. You're not in the world.

You're married. Your wife would hate me. She might say, take him. She might be like, can you, can you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I was, wow, wow, wow.

Wow, I was still doing comedy and stuff.

Were you happy? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

“Yeah, I was living my life and I was learning how to be a person, how to even think of”

myself as a human. Right. And people don't understand it. That's the real thing. When you're in your 20s and stuff, you don't even see yourself as a grown-up.

Because you're coming out of living with your parents or whatever. So you got to start learning how to be who you are and your body and who what you like, what you like to eat, what you'd like to do for fun and I have fun. I have fun. I have my crushes.

I had my horror phase. I had it all. I, I, I, I, I tried it. I tried it. I, I, I, I, I just like it.

They're real happy. No, because it's like, when I, when I am on my deathbed, I'm going to be able to go. I'm so glad I fucked that dude. Yeah. Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

And then you wake up 10 minutes later.

Yeah, and then I'll be like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it.

I'll be your cranberry. [LAUGHTER] I don't know what they got away. I don't know what they got away. Well, okay.

So, uh, it's funny. No sexual. No, no, but you. And I'm bringing out of people. Um.

[LAUGHTER] But. [LAUGHTER] We really do. I really do.

You see, you put it back really do. You really do. You really do. I go into people and eradicate it. So funny.

“But like I said, I had to learn that shit.”

And man, I'm so glad that I took the journey I took. Because it made me not only a better person. It makes me a better comic. Yep. You know, and I tell everybody this all the time, please, just go through the fire.

Yeah. Don't avoid the fire. Don't put the fire out. Just go through it. You can't become such a warrior.

It just live your life. Yeah. Go through that basket. Don't avoid it. It'd be like be your own best friend.

You know what I'm saying? Not a fucking asshole. Like if you knew an asshole, you would tell them they were asshole. If you're being an asshole, tell yourself you're being an asshole. It's okay.

You go to sleep with yourself. You wake up with yourself. You eat with yourself. You better start fucking like in yourself. And once you do that, I swear you become this person that emulates joy instead of pain.

You really want to go out and like, like, every since I've done what I've done to get to where I am, every time I see people.

If they're down, I'm like, I'm always like, come on, come through this, come on.

You're so, everyone, this is a problem too. If everyone would stop thinking that they're a normal person that they're just like the run of the meal, that could stop so many problems. Yeah. You're not your specific piece of art that was made by God.

No one's like, you know what's like? No one's like, no one in this room. You are the only person that's you. And it's a damn shame that you have put yourself in a closet instead of making the gallery to show that art that God has made. And you down here trying to be somebody else.

Like, that's not your mission. Your mission is to be you. Because whatever it's in you that's been put in you, it's supposed to help the equation of this community. And that's what we forgot, community.

Everybody is here for each other. Your magic makes my magic. My magic makes your magic. Everybody has magic and we're supposed to do it together. And it's a damn shame we're not doing that.

Because it's so much self hate. And I'm a tell everybody right now. The way to beat what's going on right now. All this hate is very proven.

“The only way it's going to be beaten is by love.”

Love can only be hate. Can only kill itself. Love multiplies. I'm telling you right now. You got to go into yourself.

Just going to yourself find that negative and positive button. Just click it on because only you can do it. And it's not the easiest thing because once you click it on, you're going to be tested. But go through the tests.

Go through it. Be who you are. That's okay. You're special. That's a well, I bet.

Do we have a applause button? No, I'm saying. No, but what I'm saying. Hold on. Hold on.

Well, you're. That was beautiful. And perfect. One of the things that really resonates with me, that I want younger people to know is exactly what you said.

I believe everything that you're talking about. I wouldn't have understood it in my 20s. I mean, either. I don't think I would have understood it in my 30s. When I look at my life, you know,

we are a culture that really puts youth on a pedestal, which is fine. But at my age, I'm happy now. Then I used to be because I've just been through a lot of shit. And I really have that perspective.

Yes. And when things are happening now, I tend to look around and go, "Huh, well, this is interesting." And it's having a joy when the chaos. Yeah, you've got to keep a constant joy.

And you've got to seek joy. You can't wait for it to come to you.

And it makes you, like you said,

the chaos can be going on and you'll be like, "This is crazy." Yeah. It was crazy. Like, I didn't gotten to the point of my life where

when things happen, I'd be like, "All right. So, what do we do?" Like, we can do this. Okay. But I'm not at the point where, "Oh, my God!

My life!" I auditioned for last comic standing. Mm-hmm. And they didn't pick me. Conan, for three days, I was in my bed crying.

Yeah. Could not understand, I can't get past that. And now I look back at that and go, "God damn it, you wasted three days of sunshine

and wonderfulness over that." But you know, but at that age, at that age, I used to, and I've talked to many people about this, and I've mentioned it a lot,

but I used to, I've given speeches about this, but I used to hit these obstacles, and I'd be told, "No." And I would think that's it. It's over.

And I look at that guy now, and I think you were 27. What are you talking about? You had just developed that 25, so you actually just two years old.

Yeah, honestly. But in other times when I'm here in L.A. and I'm young persons talking to me and they'll say, "Yeah, I'm 26." Maybe they say it like I missed my shot.

And I'm like, "Well, yeah,

“maybe if you want to be in the Olympics."”

So you haven't started that sport yet. Maybe that's a tall hill to climb. But no, you're just getting started. It's not over until you did. That's what I tell people.

You know what I'm saying? And you look at these young people and you want to just go. But they have to learn. Yeah. They have to learn that way.

But what I was something that the hope right now, you know, we had a lot more hope. I think in our generation. Yeah. The hope now is just because everything is just so played out.

All the rules are being broken. I wanted to call it the balances and checks and balances. It's just fucking. Well, also just civility. It's just so awful now.

And I don't know if we went through a stage of children to start at raising children. You know what I mean? And, you know, I just. I think the internet is a piece of this.

Shit. I really do think. I really do think the internet is very much. It's not all of it. But we were suddenly handed this.

I mean, an entire history of humans that's been, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years and then literally three seconds ago, we were handed this thing that tells us what everyone's thinking all the time.

And that and that we should pay attention to it and like it. So we can make sure that they feel validated. It is dope at me. It's the worst drug has ever been put out online. Yeah.

And again, it's available to everybody. Yeah. And again, it pushes you got to be famous to be anyone. And that's not true. That's not true.

“I think the most two most important people in the world.”

Are the garbage men and teachers. Hmm. That's what I think. Yeah.

I've always thought that.

Who's going to take care of the garbage? Yeah. What's the garbage men? They are fucking very important. Let them not be show up to work.

We fucked teachers. Everybody in here had to have a teacher at some point in daylight. Even if you didn't go to school at some point, you had a teacher. Presidents have teachers.

How are they not the highest pay? What are we striving for in this country? But to be try to be better than what we always was. That's what the generations are, right? We want the generation.

We want to advance. Yeah. And we're advancing. But we're advancing in. I'd like.

J. Cole said it. Congratulations. You came along way, but I'm so sorry. You went the wrong way. You know what I'm saying?

It's like it's it's like we have. We've oversatur we don't have no balance. We either all the way over here or we're all the way over here.

“And until we learn that balance is what life is,”

we're going to be some miserable motherfuckers.

People always go, oh, well, you know,

why does this happen to me? And why is it? It rains on the just as it does to unjust. You do not misarrange just because you're special. You got to go through sadness to know what happiness is.

You don't know what success is until you're not successful. You just, you won't know the fucking difference. Like you got to have some reference and stop thinking of mistakes as mistakes. Thinking of think of them as levels. You start playing a video game with your life.

Ooh, I beat that level because I promise you're not going to get off that level until you beat that level. And it's like it's like appreciation. It's the way like you said the internet has been. Listen, you should be happy you have a rag last car. You should be happy you have a one bit of a studio.

You could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You're blessed. You can get up and get a glass of water out of your kitchen.

But you could do it.

You can warm up your food.

You got a car. You got a car. If you don't appreciate what you got right now,

“what makes you think that you should be blessed with more.”

That's just like a parent. If you had a kid and you gave a kid a toy. And they threw the toy to the side and say I want another toy. You're going to be like, excuse me. Go play with the toy I just gave you. Why would I give you something else?

When you just told me that that toy was shit. I'm telling everybody. It's all the obvious things that you're thinking is what is supposed to happen. We have lost our way. We've lost our way as just trying to evolve.

The change is that we're so scared. Everything is happening right now because someone decided back in the day that we wasn't going to change. These were going to be the rules. This is how. And Trump is a piece of shit.

But Trump did come in here and show us that I shit ain't as tight as we thought. Yeah. He literally is going. He's telling everybody they're not going to do anything. They're just going to bitch.

That's all they're going to do.

And the Democrats are showing up to a gunfight with a piece of cake.

And the old Democrats should know to just go away. Just sit down and let the more progressive and aggressive Democrats step up and fight this fight the way that they're fighting it. Gavin Newson to me was great the way he was responding. Everybody should respond like that. We're scared of someone.

And I don't know why we're scared of them. We are looking at the most obvious problem. And it's showing that us as a community have been beaten to submission. And forgotten that we are the people. Where are the people?

Where are the people? Are we going to watch this crumble down? Or are we going to do something? And as comedians, we're part of that too. When I go out, I try to make people laugh like a mother fucker.

Because you need an hour of relief, child. That's what our job is. Our job is to take your way from your problems for a little while. And maybe laugh at them too. Because you leave there going, you know what?

That shit ain't so bad. You know, that person was on stage just told me that she's going through what I'm going through too. Like community. Get out, touch some grass. Get the fucking TV.

I'm not touching grass.

Like no, but yeah, I'm not going to touch some fucker.

You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't. You shouldn't touch grass.

You shouldn't touch grass. Not touching grass. You wouldn't literally turn it to a will. Yeah. Let me mention this because it's important.

None of us is appreciated. That was good. That was fantastic. That was amazing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd worry though. I think you've changed the word.

I was a person. No, people want to be president, but I'm too hard. Just like Ted dancing to ask me. He was like, yeah. But I'm going to implement.

I'm going to implement. I'm going to implement. I'm going to implement. Volcanoes. Do you want volcanoes?

Oh, we should definitely start throwing people in a volcano. Oh. Oh. I'm not going to activate that. What do you sacrifice?

I don't want those people to do it. No. Don't ask in the volcano. Fuck this death's in the shit. Don't ask in the volcano.

So throw a couple of least of my focus in the volcano. See if people start showing what we got them for. We didn't have volcanoes for. We got those. No.

What are they for? Seriously. What are they for?

“Well, I think they're there because pressure within the earth.”

And they're there because it needs to be expelled because of the magma. Right. The liquid core. Of course, plate tectonics probably. Okay.

So far, all those reasons. I don't think that we have to throw people into volcanoes. I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we do.

I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we do.

I think that we do. I think that we it's so much cheaper than the deafs in it. And through they are existing already. And I'm just saying. We get one helicopter get one of them little things and strap them to that.

And then fly out of. Oh, you drop them like bombs. Yeah. Like. And kind of.

And let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Since we are throwing them in a volcano. It's going to bless us. Okay.

“I think you said a lot of really beautiful inspiring things.”

And put you ended on your strongest point. Yeah. Which is we need to start throwing people into volcano. The return of civility. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I love you. I love you. Look at it.

If you look at a timeline. If you're just it's like kindness. Civility or in this together. Volcano. Hey.

I'm in dimension this. You have a new each GTV show called Roast My Rental. Where you and this is really appealing to one of your strengths. Which is you can tear someone apart. I know from firsthand experience.

And you look at these properties that are not always the best.

Exactly. Exactly. It's stank in here. Stank. Why do you have?

“There's a dude that had a picture of himself at the end of the bed.”

Nobody was in you. You've been to my house. Why do you have that picture? That's a picture. That's a poster.

No. But I'm saying it's in the vacation window. I don't want to wake up to the mother. He had a picture of his family. And I lost my shit.

I had to apologize to him. He was like, oh, that's my family. I said, man, I don't want to give a fuck about you. That's so great. So this is you.

This is you going through. This is you going through and laying waste. Telling them exactly what they have to do to break their rental property. And then I bring in my designer Jasmine Roth and she renovates it. She makes it nice.

Yes. And then we have, we have done some crazy properties. You would not believe the delusion that people have. I would. You know, we did a spaceship. We did a spaceship in Joshua Tree.

So someone had a place that was a spaceship. Let me see if I'm getting this right. In the desert. A spaceship in the desert. In the desert.

Homey, when snakes and spiders is homey, like, and for real, when we were driving in there. I see no people, so I was like, oh, vampires. Immediately. Yeah. Immediately vampires.

And then he drove up. So I'm fussing. And I'm like, this is crazy. Only white people do this. Only white people.

Well, yes. We did a space space. And Matt and I are like high five in each other. They're like, oh, only white people do that. And then I brought drives up.

He gets out the truck. I said, brother. What the. How are you going to buy a space and then the white girl got out. And I was like, oh.

And everybody's big. Everybody fell out. It was so funny. Well, it sounds great. That wasn't even the worst property we did.

So all right. You've done 11 was 12 episodes. It's a 12 episode season. Since you're 11, I don't know what's going on. Maybe you got it.

Maybe just trying to tell me something. [LAUGHTER] Shit. But this sounds great. This sounds really great.

So awesome. I had a horribly embarrassing. This may be think of a horribly embarrassing moment the other day. But we met some people. And I were chatting with them.

And they were talking about, you know, oh, yeah, we'd love to see your house. And I said, well, it's come on in.

Because I'm always that way.

I always invite people in. So I invited these people in who I don't really know that well. And I was showing around the house. And what I forgot is that my wife for my birthday. There was when I was doing the Oscars.

Someone took a really good black and white photograph of me holding the Oscar. And my wife just for fun got me a copy of that picture. And she put like a cheap frame around it, like a sort of a joke. And she leaned it again. And she had given it to me.

And I went, oh, that's so nice. And I just leaned it against the wall. It was just a quick nothing. And these people walk through. And there's this picture of me.

And I'm like, they just think the biggest asshole in the world. My wife was laughing. But they just thought, I was insane.

“And I just thought of that when you said, who has a picture of themselves?”

Oh, I thought no. And I thought no. I got so many pictures of myself. If I go through your house, you're going to have pictures of you. But you know what?

And I wasn't a picture person. When I got to SNL, I just became a picture person. I was so good at it, too. I got so many selfies and pictures with people. And so when you come in, I have a billion pictures.

I love pictures. Are you friends?

You always say yes to pictures, right?

Yes. I do too. Do you realize that we've each taken pictures with murderers and maybe mass murderers? Because I think of the, I always say yes to selfies. I never really know who the person is.

No, no, no, no, no, they are. I don't know who they are. I don't know who they are. I'm just saying you know that you have a selfie with a murderer. You mean just statistically.

Statistically. Statistically. Like it's likely. Statistically. You've someone said, oh, I love you.

And you put your wrap around. How will we find out? I don't think we do. Well, sometimes if you show me the picture, I can tell you. Like that's a murderer.

Oh my god. I'm telling you, statistically you have. You've taken a picture of the murder. Because I've been to some. Some, I've been to Texas.

Oh yeah. Well, it's a law there. You have to murder. Well, this show sounds fantastic. You are an abs of fucking delight.

You just really are. You just. Thank you so much. That was a fun. That was a fun.

No, no, no. I was stupid.

“I think I don't think we got anything because we were laughing most of the time.”

Well, yeah. Until you said some really beautiful profound things. Then we got into volcanoes. But that I think my favorite thing about that. I think that that y'all should go home.

My favorite was that you said, why don't we have these volcanoes. If not just throw people into them. That's what I'm saying. They didn't.

They didn't.

All the other stuff is supposed to do.

Yep. It's like rock lava waiting. You. You're right.

“You're like, it is saying making buildings out of it.”

Yeah. Not making nothing else out of it. Why we got hot like. You know what? Yeah.

And we. I am joining this campaign. We have these volcanoes. They should be put to use. We should start.

Do you know how awesome. Do you know how great that everyone will start acting. You're right. We'll go to therapy. Everybody will be like, I do not want to die on a volcano.

I know that I'd be thrown in very quickly. But maybe that's for the good of the earth. Maybe. Conan you wouldn't make it to the top.

Do just to heat a most of it.

Yeah. You're going to. You're going to. Yeah. Yeah.

With you. You get within like. The volcano's 25 miles away. We're almost there. You look back.

You just smell. I smell hand cooking. You look down.

“There's just a skeleton with a red pompe door.”

No. It's more like cornbees. Yeah. Cornbees. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the Jones. Go with God. Go with parents.

Please come back soon.

And you have to do make-on fun of me.

He needs time. You like. Have a poke at the leprechaan. Make fun of him. It's for the good of all.

I can imagine that. I would make you do that voice every has sex. Oh. I was so hot. I'm coming in.

I'm coming in. Here I am coming. I would. I would want it to be like. I don't want it.

Maybe. How would you like it? Oh. I'm. Here I come.

I'm on my way. Okay. Sorry. Haven't had a little trouble. Give me a second.

Give me a second. Where is me? Where is me? Blue. What's the opposite of pornography?

Yeah. Where is me? Blue pill. I'm getting distracted. Burn away.

I'm on the computer. No. I'm coming back. Here I'm coming. Here I'm coming.

Oh. It's broken. Oh. Oh. Oh my God.

This is the leaky race. Just dropped around. It's a real hard cast of all time.

“I will record it and then sell it to TMZ.”

Oh yeah. That would be the best thing ever. You're like, well we're good. We're okay. Ha ha.

Leslie. Thank you so much. Thank you. I love you. I love you.

Come. Just make fun of me anytime. And when you see me, just kick the shit out of me. No. I can't.

Now I have to be nice to you. Whenever I see you now, I'm a nice student. It's going to piss you off every time. I hate that. You're going to be like, oh.

What is this? [MUSIC] Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Mac poorly. Produced by me, Mac poorly.

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