DERELICT Presents: Thirst

- No, it's not. - I'm sure it's already a bit of a mess.

No, not a lot. It's a lot. You're still at the end of the story, this school of the school, just like the rats and then the head of the building.

“- No, not at all. How much of a star is my safe space? - You're all right?”

- Yeah, exactly. This story is so deep story app that they simply understand. A girl at the studio, a job, or a car... - A girl at the house? I don't know how many stars. - The stars are reading? - Save! - With this story.

- Hi, everybody. JB, I'm here with another edition of "Darolic Presents."

This time for a really cool, as they call it, "Horor Sattar Show" on the "Panumbra Podcast" feed called "Thirst." Thirst is a reality show-themed horror story that launched in July 2025, as the sixth season of "The Penumbra Podcast," set in the not so distant future of the 47 habitable states of America, where the news is too terrifying to watch an entertainment reign supreme. Thirst tells the story of a violent dating competition, "Can't tear my eyes from you."

Contestants in this brutal game are pushed to their limits by a tirelessly cheerful algorithm that designs their challenges, and a sadistic host with a flare for cruelty. The series explores the dark question of whether a cash prize and a safe home away from the rising sea are enough to make the contestants sell their soul for a brutal game with inscrutable goals. On the penumbra feed, there's also some other really well-done series to check out, like Juno Steele, a noir-style detective science fiction series set on Mars, and the second Citadel, a fantasy series where humans battle against mind manipulating monsters.

So please check out Thirst and everything else that penumbra has to offer, there's some really unique storylines there with awesome production values. And lastly, as a reminder, if you haven't yet signed up for the "Darlic Newsletter" by clicking the link in the episode notes below, or you can go to DarlicPodcast.com/join. There's a lot of really cool things developing behind the scenes for the show right now,

“so signing up for the newsletter is going to be the best way to stay on top of all the announcements coming soon.”

And again, you can sign up by going to DarlicPodcast.com/join, or just clicking the link in the episode notes below.

Thanks for listening, as always, and I hope you enjoy the first episode of Thirst.

Hello, this is Harley Takagi-Cainer, one of the creators of the penumbra podcast. If you're just checking out the feed for the first time, welcome. If you've been a listener of the Juno Seal or Second Citadel series, welcome back. We are so excited to share our new story Thirst with all of you. If you are familiar with our previous work, I do want to let you know that Thirst is much more explicit and a lot darker than our other series, so I would not recommend it for children. If you have concerns about potential triggers, those will always be listed at the end of the transcript and in the show notes.

And here in the series premiere, we have also included a more comprehensive list, so that you can decide whether or not the show as a whole is right for you. I do hope you decide to stick around though. And now, Thirst. Can't tear my eyes from you, chapter 1, Icebreaker. [ Music ]

Claudia Marcus, it's been a long road to get here.

“You've both made great sacrifices personally and professionally, but if you want to shot at our $10,000 prize, plus that half acre of landlock property,”

well, I hope you both got something big up your sleeves. [ Applause ] You know the game by now. Your loved ones are in the audience, your family, best friends, help, Marcus, even your boss at the cannery took the day off to come in here, what you've been hiding from them. Hi, Dave.

That's about to be good, Williams. [ Laughter ] Our producers scoured America and interviewed thousands of applicants to find the deepest, darkest secrets we could. Our private team of investigators is on standby to confirm anything our contestants claim. So, Claudia, Marcus, if you want that $10,000, you're going to have to...

[ Applause ] That's right. And we've learned a lot, have you? Marcus, we learned you've been jealous of your little brother ever since he went missing 20 years ago.

And Claudia, who we? Where do we even start? Cheetah your way through high school, play Derize your valedictorian speech, beat a girl in your sorority with an inch of her life and blamed it on her boyfriend. I just hope you haven't let your best secrets loose too early. Me too, Alex. Me too. But now, it's our final round, so each of you gets to pull just one last skeleton out of your closet.

“Most terrible secret verified by our investigators wins.”

Audience decides who tells first.

So, audience, are we ready? [ Applause ] Wow, that's really extreme, isn't it? Is this too much? They're not all like this, I promise. I just picked this one because the last thing our producers worked on, so I thought we could, you know, study the lay of the land a little.

Aw, producers. Oh, I'm not sure I quite hit me until you set that. If this is too much, we can stop watching. I promise to you. I know, I know. Okay, okay, I'm ready. You're sure. All right, we should study if we're going to, that's my fault for not watching your kind of show earlier.

You can start it up again.

“Okay, let's try to enjoy it, huh? These secrets are going to be juicy.”

That's good.

The votes are in and Claudia looks like you're up first.

So, ready to confess your crimes? Okay, Bill. Bill, as in your supportive husband, Bill, he's in the crowd today. Why don't you stand up, Bill? Let everybody get a good look at you. Yeah, Claudia.

Bill, I, you know, I love you more than anything. I love you. And I regret it so much, but. Just say it, please. When you were in the hospital, when you had that heart attack and the doctor said, they didn't think you were going to make it. I, I told you I had no reception and I missed your mother's calls.

That traffic was so bad I couldn't make it there. Claudia, no. It's not true. I was with Chris. For those playing at home, that's Chris Lyman. Claudia's ex. You told me you weren't talking to him anymore after last time.

I saw your calls, but we'd had a few drinks and he booked a hotel room and we, we were, we were. You, you, you sick bitch. And Bill has left the building burning bridges with the father of your child, Claudia. That's a hell of a showing. How do you feel? I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this. I'm so sorry.

Great. Our investigators are on the line with Mr. Lyman now and we'll get him to corroborate your story shortly. That's going to be hard to beat.

“But first, Marcus. I think you know what time it is. I, I do. Yeah.”

Anybody you want to point your confession to? My, uh, mom. Mama's boy Marcus strikes again. Lydia, are you out there? Stand on up, Lydia. Help her out, folks. Her knees aren't what they used to be. Marcus, please, you don't have to do this. We lost the house, Mom. What am I supposed to do? We can just leave everything you've said so far. I forgive you.

Really, we could walk out of here and pretend that's never happened.

So sorry, Mrs. Williams, but we've got a contract with your boys name on it that says otherwise. Clark's taking Marcus, what do you want to tell dear old mom and all the millions of Americans watching at home? Mom, I, I don't want Martin is. You see, go on Marcus. Don't leave us hanging. Dead or live. Instead, he has been for 20 years. I was there what he died.

I'm the reason he's dead. I'm more Confession. You can't make this stuff up. People, that's the magical live television. I didn't. It was the late mom, the first people I grew up in.

It was such a cold winter, we'd never seen a room before. Martin didn't want to go. He thought it was deep.

So I called him and check in and then we caught the flight. I pushed him hard. Or did I meant to it? Must be the lousy reception. Come on. Come on. Get up. I told him he had to get up, but then the ice cracked and just before he could reach him, he just... The team of investigators is trolling firefly pond as we speak.

We'll be back with the bloated corpse of Martin Williams after these messages from family Oats. Family Oats, a wholesome meal with a wholesome American family. Damn, no service out here in this ticks, I guess. Well, just have to look up who one later. So, did you like Confess Your Crimes? I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do anything like that, Dennis.

I beat me up and drown me in a frozen lake. That's disappointing. I want to marry you if I knew that's where you drew the line. Are you doing okay?

“Me? Yes. Yes, I'm fine. Of course I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?”

I'm really grateful that you agreed to do this, you know? I know it's not nothing to you. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't so excited you're here. I really miss you and I'm away filming a show. I miss you too, Dee. And I'm a glad we're together. I'm scared, but I trust you. After all, I hear my teammate in this game is a real big deal. Oh, am I a real big deal? The size of the deal? Big.

Oh, the realness? Oh, you better believe it through. Damn it every time. What can I say? Dennis Cruz does not lose. I'm like one of those heroes in that book you gave me. The one with the naked lady riding the fishermen's platter on the cover. No, no, I'm not going to take the bait. You know who that is.

Oh, you got me. Who could ever forget the great myths about the woman born from the waves, soggy Catherine? You'd better be careful, Dee. Aphrodite, the goddess of northern beauty, has done terrible things to met and for saying much less than that. Goddess of beauty, huh? That's weird. She doesn't look anything like you. It's disgusting.

I do my best, but yeah, I'm like a mythological hero when you think about it. One of the good ones.

Percy has never lost a fight, did he?

I think you're more of an Ajax. Ajax, Ajax. Think Trojan. No hints? Ajax the great second best in the Greek army during the Trojan War. So you do listen when I talk about work, but there's one big difference between me and him.

I'm second best on purpose because the thing is. The thing is getting second place in a competition show is actually the smart move. It is, though. Because everybody loves an underdog. Don't forget about the prize money.

And then you get the wrong reprise without the press banging down your door all the time. Trudy smart, right? Wow, that is such a wise and intelligent and handsome thing you just said. Did you come up with that? I learned from the second best.

Not for long, I'm not because you and me are caching out babe and taking this competition show is how we do it. You don't need to be nervous. It's the end of the world, I know. What? I said it's not the end of the world if we don't win this.

I can always go on another show.

“So we'll get in there, I'll try to figure out our win and if not, who cares?”

We've got a free trip out into the country. Do you really just call Western must the country city boy? It's got trees, doesn't it? That's country enough for me. And anyway, country girl, it's beautiful out here.

Airs great, no flood risk. Think of this as a paid vacation. Just one where we could win a hundred million dollars in a house somewhere far away from the sea. That would be nice. Get sure it's a hundred million.

You prefer your contracts written or verbal. Because I got both flavors. The executive producer, Miss Laplace, she called me personally to give me the offer. She did? You didn't tell me that?

I didn't want you to feel pressured to say yes. If you didn't want to, I would have just, anyway. Miss Laplace called me the day before we filmed our audition tape and asked me Mr. Cruz. You're married, right? And I tell her I am, but for the right price, that can be tell.

And she says, "How's a chance at a hundred million dollars sound to you?" And I tell her, "It sounds great."

“Of course, but you should have heard her, babe.”

People love rooting for you, and it's time you are paid your due. She even said she liked my videos, a nook. She mentioned Recap Roundup by name. See, the pros want us here, babe. They're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do.

I promise. And this Miss Laplace also produced that confess your crimes show? I really freaked out watching that, didn't I? I knew I should have picked 24 hour dodgeball for us to study.

Obviously, I just, all that for a $10,000 prize.

That's nothing. That's barely three days in the hospital. From that man through away his life, confessing to murder for him. I'll probably talk him down to manslaughter, and the tears and the shouting and all that. That's just the air. Unwritten rule of these shows is if the audience gets bored watching you,

the producers find a reason to give you the axe.

“So the winners, they just play a good character, right?”

But that doesn't mean that's who they really are. They're nice, usually. I just feel like I should have done more to prepare. Watch more of these shows, I'll study them like you do. I'm going to be so angry with myself if I let you down.

It's not your fault competition shows stress you out. They aren't for everybody, just almost everybody. Listen, I'll say this as many times as you need. I'm glad you're here. I mean, when we win this thing, this is going to be my last competition show ever.

The Dennis Cruz Swanson.

I'll still upload all my videos and stuff, but this is emotional for me.

I'm glad you're here to help, and you couldn't possibly let me down. Honest. Thanks, Dee. It's just... Yeah? I'm sorry.

Doing these shows has just been so much of your life for so long. Even more than your videos, and it's just... How for me to believe it's almost over. But you promised you are done after this. Really?

I promise. And I keep your promises, I know.

“I mean it. Get pumped, babe, because this is the finish line.”

One more win, and we'll have enough for life. You already have enough, Dee. I just have to go full time and... No, no, uh-uh. When we first met, I promised you I'd support you until your paintings took off,

and we're too close to give up now. A hundred million.

I'll never play somewhere safe.

Somewhere we won't have to move from in ten years. I have to take that deal. It'd be irresponsible not to. Sure, it's going to be hard. And sure, these shows are scary, but they can't make you do anything.

So what's the worst that could happen? You... like that scaring us, don't you? I do. But if I need to thrill in the future, I'll take up skydiving, with a hundred million, I can buy my own plane.

Maybe you should buy a parachute first. You always forgetting something? I ever tell you how lucky I am to have you. Are you shaking? Don't be nervous, I'm here.

I know. I'm glad.

“You'll feel better when this van gets us on set.”

A little fresh air, a little crafting your belly, and this will all seem much more doable. Hey, a driver, sorry, I didn't get your name. How much longer do we get? Wherever we're going.

I guess he's not very talkative. Did we just stop? Seems like, yeah. Hope I didn't offend the guy. Everything all right up there, sir.

I don't have cell service, do you? It doesn't look like. I'm just going to check to see what's up. He. It'll be fine.

He probably just needs help change an attire or something. Hey, anything I can... Why did we stop? We're here, I guess. Really?

Welcome to Sandlar CC University. Contestants, please, follow the signs to the student building. I guess we're supposed to walk from here. Did the driver say anything? Ask him yourself.

Excuse me, is this? Oh. Nobody here, but us, mice. Did the driver already go somewhere? I didn't see anyone walk away.

I'm guessing it's an automated van, easier to keep things under wraps that way. Nobody can leak our location if nobody knows we're here. Wait, nobody knows where we are. And the nearest city is how far away? I mean, the producers now, and I'm sure they got emergency services on speed dial.

What's good with chance? I'm sure they got something worked out. Let's just grab our stuff and... Shit. Wait, hold on, we don't have our bags yet.

The hell? I mean, at least it's going the same direction we are. Then why can't I give us a ride? Glitch in the programming? Maybe?

When we get to the student building, we'll figure it out. We should get moving. You sure about this? I am, but also it's not like we have a choice. teaser trailer airs tonight, and we haven't filmed a minute of it yet.

My brothers will be watching. What about your aunt? Of course. They can really edit the footage into a trailer back quickly. It's already all.

That is pretty quick. Maybe all the plots are some of the best in the business, I guess. We should hurry in case we're late, though. Come on, it'll be all right.

Well, I can't say I've ever screwed up this particular way before. Don't say that, and you're making me nervous. I mean, getting lost down the straight path, that is next level. Let's just, it's not even possible. How could we be lost?

I don't know what else could happen, though. If Van was automated and it picked us up on time, it should have dropped us off on time, too, right? And we've been walking this path pretty quickly, but I haven't seen the building yet.

I don't know how we're going to have time to film this thing. Neither of us can tell you're on about this. I work hard to get the micro shred of respect she's given me, and I'm not losing it that easy. I wouldn't tell her.

Honestly, she'd probably kill me for staying out in the woods so long without bugs, right? I wouldn't give her on to horror stories that much credit.

“You should have heard some of this stuff she was trying to get me”

to believe last time we went over for dinner, man eating deer and giant ticks and whatever else. I just get wanted to be like, you know, this is Massachusetts, right? Turkey's Thanksgiving.

You put a fish in the ground to make the corn grow all that kind of thing. Either way, she talks. I think this is like Chernobyl or the backside of the moon, or I don't know, Florida. Yeah, yeah, she's a lot.

But she is right about some things. People really do keep disappearing in the woods.

Yeah, people always have, though.

And the wildlife, the mosquitoes. I was watching a report yesterday that said, the way they moved, the way they swam. It's almost like they can't move. They're watching stuff like that.

I don't see the point. If nobody's even figured out why it's happening or what to do about it, I mean, why bother? I just, well, maybe I shouldn't.

“Sometimes I think it might be useful to see the bad things”

coming before they get here, you know? Take it from your TV guy, babe. You can't trust everything you hear on TV. Watching the news. That was your first mistake.

If I believe every bad thing they say on the news. Hell, I don't know how you could do that without going completely mental. Mental, right? It, uh, finally feels that way. We've been walking way too long to be on the right path.

Let me check my phone again. See if I can get a GPS signal now. Huh. Dee, is something wrong? I can't find my phone.

I must have dropped it at some point.

Dennis, your phone always falls out of those pockets.

They're too small. I thought you were going to donate those pants. I was, but then I checked again.

“And I got a look at it for the premiere, you know what I mean?”

Have you seen my button these? Yes, and it's juicy as healthy, but priorities, please. Well, at least it's a straight path. Let's go back. Nope. No time. I can run faster than you.

I'll go back for my phone and you keep walking. I'll catch up with you in a minute. I really don't want to be in these woods alone. Why not? You and your aunt used to do that kind of thing all the time, right? It's different. How? Come on, you tough babe.

Just feels different right now. I don't want to be tough out here alone.

Well, you're always tough, so you'll be okay.

I promise, we're running behind schedule and breaking one of these contracts. Trust me, that's something real to be scared of. So keep walking, stay paasy, and I'll catch up with you in a minute, okay? Dee, we were just talking about the woods being dangerous. What are you going to do if you come back to the disembowled corpse of your wife?

I love you no matter where your bells are, babe. Be right back, love ya. Grab my phone, find my babe, record the teaser. Grab my phone, find my babe, record the teaser. Love you, too.

Come on, Nanook. You can't be afraid about goat's ghost stories forever. Because she's crazy, right? Do you always sense she's crazy? There's no good reason to believe the world that day. Besides, you know the heat and no safety in water. I'm biblical flooding so bad we don't even know where all this salt water is coming from.

And the climate of Siberia and the Sahara just switching places. And the animals going completely crazy just like on goats crazy. And I'm crazy and everyone's crazy and isn't like more fun inside the madhouse anyway. Dee, is that you? I must have just stepped on a twig or something.

Dennis, are you there? Whoever's there, you better not. No, Nick, it can't.

Please, Dennis. Hey, don't stop. This person's supposed to...

So if I never shot it again, then this one.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa, what's going on? Are you hurt? Oh, how? I didn't hear you.

You didn't hear me because you were making enough noise for both of us. Take a breath and talk to me. Are you in danger?

“Are any bears or, I don't know, rural sex pests about to come running through those bushes?”

What? No, I thought I had... I'm the body, that body, it's a piece. It's a deer, and it's too dead to hurt you now. And that means you only have one job right now,

and that's to get your shit together, okay?

We're going to do it together. Can you handle that?

Hi. Yes. I can. Good. Sit up straight, so you can have space to receive air. Okay.

Nice. Now, relax, get comfortable, soft gaze. Now try to place your spear at somewhere down low, low above the buttocks and between the ovaries. Okay. What?

Now it's not for talking. Now it's for breathing. Ready? Inhale for one, two, three, four, hold it in, two, three, four, exhale, two, three, four. Wow, that was real.

And inhale, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four, exhale, two, three, four. Inhale, two, three, four, hold, two, three, four, exhale, two, three, four. So, oh, you done yet? The work is never done.

But like, it literally is at some point, right? There, ready to face the world again? Yeah. Sorry, I just heard, I thought I had something that I, sorry, yes. Thank you.

There's no problem. It's my job.

“Finding lost women in the woods and helping them through panic attacks?”

Yeah. So, like, do they have schools for that? Or, I would describe most of my clients as women lost in the woods. I'm a spiritual healer, conduit for the unspoken wisdom of the universe. Yoga instructor.

Oh, you meant, like, metaphorically, that makes so much more sense. I thought you were a park range or something. I don't really care for that word. Oh. Uh, are we all angry at park ranges now for some reason?

I meant metaphorically. I just don't see the point in having a word for things that aren't true. If it isn't true, why would we spend time talking about it? So, if we talk about it, it must be true. Right.

That's, huh? That's fun. You're much nicer to talk to them. My husband, I guess that's another reason to be glad I lost him in the woods here.

“Your husband, then are you here for the competition show, too?”

I am. And I guess that makes you the competition. I hope I don't end up regretting saving you from that pile of rotting meat that used to be a deer. I'm rain, rain, Randolph.

And you? I know Kalhara. Exotic. Do you think that's going to give you an edge on the show? I don't know.

I don't really watch shows like this.

Diving in the deep end first, that's brave.

So what's a brave girl like you doing screaming about dead deer in the middle of the woods? The woods is like, where dead deer live? Didn't you notice it's face? Oh, no. The fly's told me most of what I need to know.

Thanks. It's face looks like it's been torn off. The rest of its body. It looks like it's been out here for a few weeks, but there are no signs of scavengers picking at the rest of its body.

Only the face. It's just ripped away completely. Huh. Must just be a gross deer.

It's just that scavengers don't behave that way.

Food is food. And there's a lot of meat on the deer, the size.

“Yeah, the dead deer is super weird and interesting, but you're from around here with that accent?”

Not originally, but most of my life, yeah. Huh. Massachusetts, what a concept. What was that? I think I heard her over this way.

Come on. I'm moving as fast as I can. All right. These aren't exactly hiking shoes. Sounds to me like the kind of animal we really should be scared of.

Dennis? Dennis. How do you know Dennis? What? Babe.

There you are. Dennis. Oh. That Dennis. I got you, man.

Jesus. Cruze. I asked you to wait up. That Dennis. Happy to see you too, honey.

Let me clear things up before they get too confusing. Um. A nuke. This is my new pal Dennis lying. And you must be ready.

Nice to meet you. I know. I know who you are. I've watched TV before. So your guy is the Dennis Cruz, huh?

Yes. Hi. Yeah.

“He's on a lot of shows like this button.”

A lot. He's on every one of these stupid shows. Jack Pottray, Athlon. The big sexy house. John McGraw's last dance.

A loon. Percent by John McGraw. Who is me, Daddy? Sell me your trash. Gambler's pair of dice.

A road trip war zone. Alone in the mall with a very big bear. This is the winter when we discontent the great American tax rate off.

If you're here who's driving, business boy season 5 and the third all star season.

Right. The princess of profit. Well, really at each other's throat like that all the time or that. That. That was just an act.

Except Caleb, everybody really did hate that guy. Really? Then the punch. Real. Wait, punches in the bowl or like the fist.

Either. Both. I knew it. God, that was such a good TV. I found all stars.

Two more compelling. Personally. Dennis? Yeah. What?

That's not going to get annoying. She said my name. What was I? It rains right though. This is going to get confusing.

Hey. Here's an idea. Why don't we call you Dennis? Tell. And what are we calling you?

Oh, just Dennis is fine. Ha. Very funny. I'm just absolutely busting about it. Don't say busting.

No, I'm busting all over the place. Here they're in you on. See the shining sea. I'm just kidding. Anyway, Dennis.

So God, we've pumped into each other because hey, babe, you're not going to believe this. But lying here knows the way to send our seas. I was worried we'd be late, but apparently they haven't even set up for filming yet. There's no way that's true. I knew you'd say that.

So I grabbed one of these on the way out. An invitation to dinner. Want to produce your skiff as to you? I didn't see a producer while I was there, just the other contestants. None of them had seen a producer either.

They said they'd each found one of these in their rooms. Well, let's get going then, I'm starving. I think we have any more Dennis's in store for us. Fellow Dennis. Yes, well, just have to hope we get lucky.

Hey. Who's up for a nice break or while we walk? Hey. Fascinating.

“You must be the last person alive who actually likes ice breakers.”

The world couldn't handle two of us.

Here's one that always gets people talking.

If you were to be executed by firing squad, would you be a blindfold on or blindfold off? Kind of guy. What? I think it's got a fun to think about. A blindfold on, obviously, that's the only rational answer.

I'm going to be dead anyway. Why would I add all that suspense on top? What are party people who's ready for dinner? Huh. Well, this wasn't exactly the vibe I was expecting to walk into.

Look, Dennis is back with friends. You had us worried. We thought all that screaming in the woods might have been you. Ha ha. Guess a little gratitude's too much to expect.

Did you hurt that from here? And look, now you made an in a noob feel bad. Um, it's on noob. Actually. Jesus Christ.

Can anybody lay off me for like two seconds? I'm glad nobody's hurt. We're just discussing whether we should send someone to check and see what the screaming was all about. That idea, splitting the group in the middle of a unknown territory is asking for trouble. And my husband would know he's a survival specialist.

I'm sorry. That wasn't kind of it. It's been a very long day. Cho저 Whitaker, and this is my husband, Capote Whitaker. Pleasure.

Capote? And I'm Halliday Murdoch, a psychology researcher at Arkansas College. And the national hero sitting next to me is my husband, Murdoch. Hmm. His name is Murdoch, Murdoch.

Everyone just calls me Murdoch. But some people like to start with sergeant. Good to meet you, Sarge. You know, my dad was military too. What brand?

Special forces. That must be a nice life.

I'm retired.

Thank you for your service.

Well, it sounds like you already know my good pal Dennis L. And this is my new friend, Rayne. I can introduce my own wife, thanks. Rayne, everybody. Everybody, Rayne.

Wow. I'm so glad you're here to roll out the red carpet, Dennis L. This is, of course, my beautiful wife, a nuke. Hello. And I am an expert.

Reputation proceeds, me, I guess. Cruiser thinks that the producer should be starting things up any minute now. Who's going to tell him? Tell him what, exactly. We've all been saying that for how long now, Kat?

Hmm. Eight hours. Eight hours? How much longer are they going to take? We'll tell you as soon as anybody tells us.

Well, personally, I'm just thrilled for this competition show to begin. I'm so very confident in the love mine bird occup I have built together. And I will represent my country proudly. What's with her? She's still thinking the show's already started.

She won't talk about it directly.

“I think she thinks it'll make her look bad.”

What? Don't be silly. That would be so paranoid. Best way to make yourself paranoid is to act paranoid. I don't think it's paranoid.

Great energy holiday, really fantastic. Just some quick advice from someone who's written this wrote a few times before. Try to relax into it and have some fun, huh? The cameras are going to love that. Really?

Really? Love people. I think holiday here has the right attitude. You said you work at Arkansas College, right holiday? Where is that exactly?

Why? Just kidding. But since we're sitting in the college dining room right now, that means we're on your turf. So I think we should follow your lead.

If the producers told us we're filming the teaser today, you can bet we're filming it. And given that the thing's supposed to air in how long? Half an hour by my watch. Thank you, Sarge.

“I think it's likely we're already filming.”

Really? I didn't see any cameras.

You've never do one of these things, obviously.

Not to burst your bubble business, but we've already tried most of the things you might expect for a hidden camera show. So really, we were starting to wonder if... Wonder if what? Well, if there's been some kind of production air.

Hopefully, just scheduling. Hopefully. Hopefully. What? You think they just drove us out into the woods and abandoned us here?

Oh, my. It seems unlikely, but the evidence is mounting. There's food in the kitchen, but most of it looks like it's spoiled months ago. There's a greenhouse on campus, but we would have to do some serious bushwhacking to see if there's anything edible growing there.

It looks like nobody's tended to it in years. And, most interesting of all in my opinion, is the obvious woodlouse infestation. Ew? Of course, woodlouse typically gravitude toward damp wood, which... Nevermind.

I just think they're interesting. But that's weird. Sure, but hell, we all have marina Laplace's number, right? So why don't we just call her and see what's up? Someone must have reception out here?

That's the thing, Dennis. Not one of us does. Landlines don't work either, chuck to myself. Then we're just stranded out here without food or anything. Some canned enough to last eight people one week, maybe two.

Jesus, what about water? We'll be thirsty, but we'll live. Modern life in a nutshell, isn't it grand? Well, there's nothing to stop us from just leaving on our own, is there? Maybe in the woods, but this is a small state. It couldn't take more than a day too.

I mean, you don't want to do that. Excuse me? She's right, Holly. Oh, well then. I guess we'll all figure something out together.

I'm going to be honest. I'm not convinced there's anything to figure out here. Respectfully, Dennis, if this is all just part of a game. Why would the producers have kept us in the dark without so much as a hello for eight hours? Well, maybe they were waiting for us.

And look, whether or not studio-a-plosses left us out here to die, we're going to be stuck together for a while, so we might as well get to know each other, right? No matter what's going on here, that seems like our next move. Okay, I'm taking a walk. My eyes are already broken, thanks.

Have fun, Dennis L. Well, it seems like we've looked into two of the most charming Dennis' in the country. You'll have to let me interview you before we're done here. I'm sure my viewers would love to hear from you again.

Oh, do you have a channel online or something? Yes, a small one. Celebrity gossip. I've covered you before. That's so cool!

You'll have to send me a link, Georgia.

I can't believe I've never seen your stuff before.

Oh, you have. Maybe the name Georgia Aquabuda sounds more familiar.

“Oh, sorry, you must be thinking to someone else.”

No. Well, what did you say about him in your videos?

I think you can probably guess.

She doesn't watch my shows. She explains a lot.

“So, Capote must help with your channel then.”

Oh, no. I'm a writer of a kind. A writer? That's so exciting. And what do you write?

Oh. Nothing, anybody reads? Hey, Georgia. Didn't you say you already checked the kitchen? Murdoch and I both did.

Why? And what's this, exactly? Oh, my goodness. Is that a pot roast? Looks like it.

Taste like it, too. May I? May you want.

Maybe you could try a fork instead of your finger?

Oh, my goodness. I think that's real beef. That can't be right. I'm sure of it, where I grew up in Montana. There used to be cattle ranches and ever since the water.

Well, I obviously haven't had real beef since I was a little girl. Hey, we're really getting the star treatment. This must be how the rich and famous eat. It isn't, though. I'm starving.

Bring that bad boy over here, Dennis. And let's dig in. Yeah, I'm happy to provide. No reason to thank me. I just found this while I was looking around.

And I decided to, you know, share the wealth. Just the kind of guy I am. Share the wealth as opposed to what? Eating it all yourself. Is that the alternative?

You want us to be proud of you for sharing our dinner instead of eating eight pounds of beef by yourself. Obviously not. They're going to take that off your hand. Sure, whatever. Like I was saying, they're vegetables, too.

You didn't hunt the cow, Dennis Ells. So how calling me that? You haven't provided shit. Dig in, people. Let's not let a delicacy go to waste.

Yeah. Help yourselves, guys. So you're a writer, Capotty. That's awesome. I bet you and Anooka have a lot to talk about.

She's an artist, too. Tell them about it, babe. Oh, I wouldn't call it the same thing, really. She's being modest. Her paintings are just so, so good.

That sounds wonderful. I don't know much about painting a new. She says the paint she uses.

“Is this really rare paint that you can't even find online?”

It's wild. But I guess something happened and they can't make it anymore. So now it's even rare, right? It's all. We really don't have to get into all that.

Why not. Maybe one of them knows where you can get some. I really don't think they will. I've interviewed a few painters. Maybe I have a connection.

What's it called? Oh, really? That'd be great. It's called Venga Black. Don't you mean Vance of Black?

Oh, God. See, thank you. That's what I said. But no, it looks like it's a totally different thing. And what's crazy is the name's Jim.

We don't have to act like children just because the lights went out. Look, some kind of projectors playing on the wall. Let me ask you a question, America. What's the craziest thing you would do for love?

I went to war for her. Oh, be serious. We didn't meet until after you enlisted. Well, I didn't know you yet. But I knew you were out there.

And I thought, even if I never got to meet you,

I do anything I could to make sure you never went thirsty. And I meant it. Oh, oh, squish. It's a tough world out there, folks. And it feels like it's just getting tougher every day.

And times like this make you ask, "How are we supposed to make it through?" So I was in high school. We don't have to say how long ago. And I was planning this stupid stunt for weeks. Right?

I broke the lock on the door to the roof of the school. And I had this big banner I made that said, "Will you go to prom with me, Kelly B?" You didn't. Just wait, because it's so much worse than you think.

Because the fellas, right? They said I should lock the door behind me. And not come off the roof until Kelly B said yes. So that's what I did. They had to call the fire department to pull me off there. Then Kelly didn't say yes?

No, but even worse, it turns out she was out sick that day. So all I got was an in-school suspension and a secondary sunburn. So what do we need to get by? Well, you've probably guessed it by now. It's your favorite four letter word that doesn't rhyme with duck.

It's love, baby, and we're just living it. I don't think I believe in crazy, really. If an idea works, it works, and if it doesn't, it shouldn't matter how it sounds. I'll agree with that, sure.

“But do you remember that great master I studied under a few years ago?”

You're not going to convince me that there's a great master in Queens, right?

But he did tell me this beautiful story about a spiritual wanderer,

whose lover died when they were both very young. So she trained. She trained for years on end to separate herself from her physical body to travel everywhere else. Everywhere that's real, that matters, but that you can't touch.

Well, let me finish. She finds him eventually. But when she returns to her body, she sees that it's nothing but a pile of bones. She'd been gone searching for a thousand years, but the journey had meant so much to her that she hadn't noticed the time pass her by.

“I think if I could ever find that kind of strength within myself,”

that's a kind of thing I might do for love. Even if people think it's crazy. I don't think that's crazy. That's beautiful. That's great master though.

Do you remember the hair? Oh my god, what the hell did he call it? That combination Mohawk and white guy cornrows thing? Cornhawk? Oh god!

Everyone's so negative these days. You think the world was ending the way people talk, but just because the problems are complicated, doesn't mean the solutions have to be. Love can save you, folks, I mean it, and we're going to show you how.

You know, I used to have an apartment. It was a nice place. It did look a bit like a ghost lived there, yes, and the walls were totally bare. But I liked it, but then we got together and I thought,

I have to be with this woman. And when you're with Georgia, you're living life at her base. I can count on one hand, the number of nights I slept in my own bed in the last year. Besides that, it's just hotels all over the country. Capote, I followed you into a literal war zone.

And you think the craziest thing you've done is sleep in hotel. We're on a hunt for love ladies and gents, and we've got top of the line tech helping us track it down. Our series of highly scientific tests of love. Hell, our entire program will be designed by the most knowledgeable computer

mind in the country, and let me tell you, it's not gonna let up until we prove we found America's sweet hearts. Love will save you.

“We'll show you how all you need to do is tune in and let the magic happen.”

My name's Jedi Jordan, and this is Cat-Tare My Eyes from you. Catch us Thursdays at 8 p.m. Only on America's favorite channel. Well, that was really sweet, don't you all think? I didn't record any of that.

Yes, you did. What are you talking about?

You were with me in that video. You know we never filmed that.

Not in that room, sure. That was from our audition tape. There's two, but how could it be from our audition tapes? I've never been in the room, they showed it in that clip. It's a digital composite.

They put our auditions onto new backgrounds. Or they're supposed to stay to the art AI did at least. They've been able to do that for a long time, but it's more expensive and time consuming, than just finding a new room to record in. It hasn't been invoked for a while.

This is obviously just showing off whatever tech they're running. I didn't know this show was being put together by an AI. You didn't? Ah, that's the only reason to be on this stupid thing. It's gonna be a disaster.

The stuff they're promising with this AI, it can't even be half true. And you know this. Now, glad you asked Whitaker. See, my specialty is encoding thinking systems into interactive digital spaces. He makes video games.

I make a ward winning video games. Strategy mostly, but it's the enemy AI that grabs people.

“You develop a relationship with it over the course of a game, right?”

It holds grudges, it gets jealous. You really feel over? It's just a computer, it doesn't feel anything. My point is if this AI could do what they say it can, I'd know. And I don't, so it can't.

Huh, and a lot of people pay money for that kind of thing. It's better than watching the news. Do they usually make fake videos of the contestants on shows like this, Mr. Cruz? Basically, don't be dense. No, they don't.

In that clip, they had me drinking beer. And how do I know I wasn't drinking beer when we were recording? Because beer is for idiots. Drinking all those carbohydrates, you might as well drink a loaf of bread. All right, good drink a loaf of bread right now.

If they can make a video of us drinking things we never drank.

What else could they show us doing? Nothing our contracts say they can. Oh, we were supposed to specify everything we didn't want to be shown. Doing on our contracts then? Silly me.

I got halfway through the seven deadly sins and ran out of steam. Babe, everything alright?

But what? How?

I've interviewed enough competition show contestants to know that this is not how it's made.

And we're not going to let Mr. Cruz convince us all that this is normal. You need some space. You want to get some air?

“What I want to know is who turned on the darn projector?”

Could the AI have done that dentist? He's not the goddamn expert on everything here. He was talking to you with Dennis L. Dennis L. Then he should have.

What? What? You're right. It's a very good thing. Yeah.

Well. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

You're right. You're right. You're right. I'm the number. I'm the number.

What's with all the long faces?

Love birds? Romances in the air. What's that? Waterglass? Jesus.

A note you will almost broke his nose. Oh my god. Good aim. Barely two inches off. And all that butter.

How horrible. Yes. She's not thirsty. Oh my god. I don't know why.

It's just for you. I didn't. I don't. You'll be fine. I knew.

A nuke? This is starting. Just one second. A nuke? Well.

“But I didn't think they meant that literally.”

[laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

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