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I'm out. It has been a week. It has been a fucking week dude. Holy shit balls and it is done, Finae over. The week is over. Maybe he's over there holding their fucking titties.
“Maybe he's got some new titties. I haven't even revealed my titties yet. I think you should”
show everybody yours. They look so good. Yeah. Come on. They look like franking titties. No, they don't. Yours looks so good. I don't know. I'll reveal them next time. Matt Matthews is in the studio right now. Do we have the microphone for him in the case? Do you have any ad lives? I don't know. Just give him a microphone. Um, so let's get down to it. What was the topic today for everyone to know? Everyone's family secrets. Yeah. Worst or you have craziest family secret
that was dropped at at a holiday. Yeah. No. I just got. Oh, mine wasn't dropped at a holiday. It was just family secrets. Damn. I had a holiday on there. So maybe I shouldn't have done that.
What did you get from good ones? I think it was spiciness. All right. Who wants to go first?
You go ahead. Oh. Okay. Um, for this person said, uh, in my grandma's small town in Arkansas, Lady found out her husband was cheating on her, but he did not know that she knew. The one night she decided to dress sexy and cook dinner to get him going to then lead him to the bedroom for what he thought was a good time. He blindfolded him and took him to the bed to handcuff him and tie him up. Then proceeded to start to get to get it on as nothing was wrong and
Proceeded to put a curling iron up his ass.
walked out and left him alone. He was so badly burnt by the time someone found him that he had to have reconstruction surgery on his ass and inside. He still live and she served her time not saying people deserve pain, but damn she was creative. I heard about a pimping Vegas doing that to somebody. That's crazy. That's going to be next level in saying to be able to
“physically hurt somebody like that. I mean, a fucking curling iron up the ass. That's why they have”
the tag on it. This is for external use only. Oh, you think is not supposed to be in your asshole? That's crazy. No, that's that's a little but also like did he not complain that you're putting up there in the first place? Well, his hands were tied so she might be shocked. She might be right on this level. I don't know. Like, what if he like that and then he didn't know. I mean, as soon as it's hot going in. Oh, she turned it on. Oh, she turned out to be stuck inside of him. Maybe they were just
freaky. I don't know. That was crazy. I feel like handcuffing was the reason. He even got up there. Makes sense. I feel like you got to be one weird bitch to fucking want to harm somebody that bad.
Like, I've had men cheat on me before. And I've never in my life wanted to. I wouldn't have thought about
me with a curling iron just fucking burning their rectum. Like, that's crazy. The fact that she left him no. He's fucked up. Turned it on in the left. Do you think it sizzled? Yeah, all of a sudden I'll put you know how the battle's moist. It's like when you just probably like melted onto it. I don't think that. Like, you know when you like cook the pieces of like beef or something. Yeah, on the rock. I know exactly what you're talking about on the rock gold. I wonder if it's about a whole looks like now
“probably like a piece of like cooked tuna, right? You know, like that's what it goes for being red”
like white. Definitely, it's definitely super dark. Are like when girls bleach their butt whole too much. I could start selling like a piece of chicken. But dad, I don't know. It's very interesting. Yeah, like when girls do that one, when girls bleach their butt whole, it looks like a piece of like boiled chicken after a while. Like, because they're doing it so much. Like shredded chicken or.
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“Do I need your free stop? I can't walk with my dog. Why should I ground my face?”
Is it pink? I bet it is because you're a little fire crotch underneath there. No, I'm not a ginger bitch. How do you want to tell them how to tell you that you did?
I'm always- She was called for ginger over ginger. She could. So every chance it is. I can see it.
That little strawberry. He does. You have a little bit of red near it. You got a lot of like- What about your outfit? Yeah. She's great. She's pretty good. She's nice. She's perfect. Again, Alright, go to WayFair. WayFair saw this funny, yes. TikTok the other day in the girl was talking about how she got like a reconstructive surgery and they pulled her so tight upwards that now she pees out straight. No. Yes. She said she has to like lean down into the toilet because they pulled her so tight that
her vagina now just sees out like damn well that she go. That's a lawsuit. That's fucked up. Imagine that. That's the first time you go to pee. How does she have sex? Great, not down. Does he got a like- Maybe Angola? She's like- She's like making out with his chest when he's on top. He has to like- She has to like just scooch on up in here. She's in there. Yeah. Just let me scooch on up in here. Damn, dude, I fell bad for not making
a funny use sister. No, that's not bad. Yeah, that's crazy. I'm never getting surgery done on my fucking shit like that. Alright, this one says that- My 80-year-old grandma is convinced that she's talking to Elon Musk. She's given this person $15,000 and has forced my grandpa to move out and
Even sent several naked pictures to this man.
into her eye cloud with information that she gave him, he sent her naked pictures out to everyone
in grandpa's contact list. Family, his friends, everyone. He also hacked her bank account with information that she gave him. He began running money in and out of her account. She is now banned from having her bank account. Just recently, the cops had to escort her home after walking around a local grocery store for four hours waiting for Elon to come pick her up. We had her tested for dementia and Alzheimer's and it came back completely clean. She's just batshit crazy.
Dang, you're like just reading your driver's license, dude. Oh, 100%. Okay. Yeah, poor grandma. I mean, well, she shouldn't be fucking talking to strangers on the internet
and given, I don't understand that. You know, like, there's a lot of people who get who get scammed
because of us. You know what? The bunnies jumping on the trampoline got me. So I might be that when I'm older. She can't for AI all the time, bro. It's all the shit. You reposted that one. The bunnies jumping
“on the trampoline. You remember that one? I don't remember. I repost a lot of shit. My repost.”
You guys don't like it. My repost. No, that's where I don't look at mine. I repost more than I post. So yeah, I repost. I live in my repost. My mom used to work in banking for like her whole life and the amount of people who would get scammed is insane. They'd be coming in and they're like, why is my whole bank account drained? And she would go down the wormhole and they're like, well, did you talk to someone on the phone for 20 minutes? Yeah, you're like, you're rowding number.
I did. Yeah, they said they were going to, they were going to run best for me. Yeah. Yeah. No, it happens so much. I can't. All right. This one's a little long, but here we go. Hooked up with this guy. I've had a crush on since high school. So well over 13 years.
Great sex. I'm talking porn star status. Amazing night. Five hours of fun.
Row five hours. Five hours. Tag me out. Good. That's so long. No. I'm going to have an act. I'll just have fun. I'll just have fun. I'll just have fun. I'll just have fun. I'll just have fun. I'll just have fun. And then it just swells up like a baseball glove and you can't get anything in there the next day. Just get all swollen. Terrible. Anyway, that happens. I love it. Anyways, couldn't have been more stoked. He leaves in the morning and looking back at the bed after taking my shower. What do I see?
Skids, baby. Skids. Not just a little boop like Skids, my ex hours and hours. I'm so OCD. I said to myself, oh my fucking God, you're kidding me. What's the odds? Bleached it all. He comes over a few days later and we okay. If you're finding and fucking big old skid marks, you're going to fucking circle back was the sex that good. Okay, buddy. Anyway, bleached it all. He comes over a few days later and we get to business again and I'm
thinking maybe it was a one off. Hopefully. Nope. Skid marks on the white fucking shit on the newly chlorox. Everything. Marking his damn term territory without permission. genuinely don't know if he even noticed, but damn dude. I'm about to tell this dude. He's just
“got to do better. How do I say it nicely? You don't cut it to my mouth. That's what I did. You're”
insane. But he's not wiping. He's apparently he's not wiping. Maybe he's pushing too hard. He has a loose buckhole. He might like it in the ass, so that should get a little too loose. And he's just spraying the sheets. He's not wiping. He's not wiping. That's all that boils down to dude. It's like not wiping. Okay, but also how do we get to the point where you're just scooting your ass across the sheets? What's happening? Well, there was this
one time. Oh, I mean, you guys remember shitter the client that I had that I made like hella money off of that one night. And we were doing hella drugs and cocaine. And I'm telling you every time he would scooch forward to do a line. He would literally leave a skid mark. So we call his nickname was shitter because by the time we left those white hotel sheets, we're literally just
“had brown streaks all in him dude. It was he paid us a lot of money. Okay. So that's why we stayed.”
But I'm upset. I don't like that. Listen guys, you got out. You have to wash your asses. Please. How many have you ever left shit? Maybe wipes. No, I'm so like scared about that kind of thing. And I think yeah, well, I think I'll also when I was a kid probably Shane for a little bit, you know. You had did you leave skid marks? Yeah. Well, you know when you have the the tidy whities, it's just bound to happen. And I think someone called it out when I was, you know,
no, you've got trauma. Yeah. So I'm like, I'll freaking jump in the shower if I have to. What? I mean, but it's, it's, I think every man, every man should carry around dude wipes or
Baby wipes.
fucking dirty asshole. No, period. Spray down. What, man? Have you ever farted a wet fart? Yeah. And did you, did it go on your pants? No. No, I should almost have wanted.
But I've never liked how to, like, shitting on yourself when a skid mark is not the same.
Yeah, shit myself. You had guys? I have a knee there. You've never shitting yourself. No. I know. I wish I could be a part of that club. I shut myself last week. She goes, you guys want to see it? We all said, no. We don't. No. She would show us. She's shown us photos of it in the toilet.
“Oh, yeah. Hey, that one was very impressive, though. Do I, LA one?”
Yeah. I, it's blind. I had one. I haven't had one like that since. This one goes, it's a nice color. Yeah. I know. I said, like, you. Like, that sense. I don't know what got into me out there. I must have been the LA food, but we're going to LA next week, too, guys. I can't wait. They gave me a minute, so long. If you see me running down the street, streaking, no, you didn't. I'm about to, I'll be full. Turn the fuck up in LA, guys. So,
just so everybody is aware. That's where I'm turning the fuck up, Adam. I can't wait, guys. It's going to be so fun. I thought, we'll do it all. We'll get that out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that out, but that's our spot. Yeah. We're going to let's go, please. We don't need TMZ showing up there. No. No. Shout out though to Harvey Levin, because that he had your back. I fucking love that man, dude. I can't wait to give him a hug when
I mean, I'm like, he always has my back and everything. They did a live, the other way on the
live, on the dance of life. Bro, if he dead asked, had bunnies back so hard in the entire conversation, go him. No, he's awesome, dude. They, but you know, honestly, TMZ has always been nice to me, so I'm, I'd like to keep it that way. Yeah. There are friends. Yeah. We thank you. It was my aunt uncle's wedding day. My step, great grandmother's boyfriend at the time. Mind you, they're in their late 70s and I was 17. He had gotten way too drunk and I walked into
the cocktail party in this sick fuck. Fools me in for a hug and then it tends to shove his tongue in my mouth. I had my lips sealed shut and he for a good 10 seconds just tries wiggling that tongue in my mouth. Excuse me. I completely blacked out, did not know how to react and if I could go back,
I'd slap the shit out of him. Why didn't you? I had a, like, a band. Oh, bro, I would have never,
no family knows that. I would have found out. I'm not selling the family. The theme is family secrets.
“I know, but if somebody is trying to back and stick their tongue down, you know, like, you need to tell the family.”
And what he was dating grandma, she might have been scared. I don't know, she was 17. Oh my god, that's terrible. At the end of the day, the whole man breath smells like juncers. Yeah, like gerritol and duck and gum disease. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. If somebody is trying to fucking give me a fucking dinner kiss, I'm not, either. You're getting punched in your mouth. Your mouth is wild. Yeah. Fighting. No, that's crazy. This one says, my cousin has been found out at Thanksgiving that she took our other cousin
secretly to prom because neither had a date and no one knew they were related. They did the deed at an after party claiming they had to prove that it wasn't a pity date. Cousins brother was the one who told he only knew because he snuck into that party. It, it only knew because he snuck into that party. Oh, my pain pills right now. And I feel like they're just kicked out.
He stuttered in front of your head. Maybe he said everything just slowed down. Wow, it's good up and leave. It all just came right now. Need this to say they're no longer together. And we don't see that part of the family any longer. I, you know how many amount of cousins fuck each other. Oh, it's my, all my deems. It's crazy.
“A lot of interest. Now you're from Alabama. Have you ever fucked a cousin?”
I've never fucked a cousin that I know of. No, why are we fucking so many cousins? I don't know, man. I did get a lot of DMs that's like either the married cousin or all in bread. Yeah, a lot of it in bread. Our cousins are all cousins related or it only knows. Like I'm not related to my cousins. I'm not related to my mom's adopted. Yeah, though. Would you fuck a cousin? No. No, maybe. I mean, whoa. I have watched those like short drama reels on the TikTok and some
of them are hot step brothers. I mean, we're not blogging. But a step brother, that's
High.
married for like 10. No, no, no. No, like it's like as soon as we meet. I can't watch those
points. I can't watch like that. I mean, the mom, the mom, the, the, yeah, that's a little weird. Are you lying? Is that the shit you watch? Yeah, me. Is that the porn you want? No. I thought you watched a 80's porn. Yeah. Do she loves vintage. She loves 80's porn. Like bush, flowers, like the bucket, not even like the dream like that. Hold on. The dream filter, where everything like she does blurry. Like darling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know. The why are they making it hard for everybody to get to just have a little bit of pleasure in their life, you know. All right. One, two, three. So family birthday barbecue, sister-in-law slurs out after a few too many. Stop correcting her. She isn't even your daughter. To my brother and front of the entire family, the daughter was 12. DNA test came back as Mori said,
“and the test proved you are not the father. Oh, that's how you find out. That's terrible. To do”
that in front of the kid, too. That's dysfunctional. That's messy as hell. There's a lot of messiness in my DMs about this. It was a lot. Yeah. It was also either in bread or finding out. But no. And there's like, I have a lot of evil females and like ladies, I'm normally on your side, but some of y'all are fucking crazy. I read one. I didn't end up screenshotting it, but like she literally named it after her affair that she had. Oh, that too. Did you get that one? Yes. She named the baby
after her affair. And then convinced the dad who was in prison that it was his. Wow. Were they having conjugal visits? How did you know he had just gone? She got pregnant around that time. I was like, oh, I'm pregnant, but it could have been one or the other. So she named it after the other. Yeah, crazy. I know. And the kid ended up telling him that he's a trifling. Yeah, they do.
“There's some really good. Okay. Little pirate, dirty pirate hookers running around.”
So here's a little backstory. My mom passed away and my father remarried twice after that.
The second one was an absolute awful woman. She was a liar manipulative and over the years she
successfully drove a wedge between my father and all of his children. One summer, we were all at our camp hanging out. My father's wife wanted a drink. So my brother-in-law offered to make it for her. After he made it, he reached in his pants and pulled out some pubes. Put it in her drink and stirred her around with his finger. My siblings and I were all aware of this. So we sat and watched her drink down the whole thing. It's what he pubes here and all. Yes, for another one,
after that, claiming that it was so good. For this day, no one outside of our family knows that that happened. Dude, I don't care who you are. You know when you have a pub in your throat. How do you know? It's like sticks in your throat. They don't go down. It's literally like just the curly as cute. You're one caught in your teeth. Probably. I've had a lot of shit on my mouth. Yeah, no. I don't know how she didn't vegan. Hey, your pubes.
Why is it caught in your teeth? I just have one time with God caught in my teeth. That's wild. That's just right. Yeah. You're going to have a very deep, you know, it's not a blow job for schedule. I didn't know that time. No, you guys, scheduling. You can't just eat but not come out whenever. What are you put it on Google calendars? Like that was my question. That was my question. It's time for seven thirty five PM. Yeah. One of those just whenever the kids aren't, you know, hanging out.
My kid, you ready to have a kid mad? I had a great uncle that took a guy's eyeball out with a spoon
“because of a bad horse deal. What the hell? Feel spoon in the eye trick. What trick is that?”
What it, what do you know about this trick? You know about this trick? No, but I can envision it. I just think that that sounds like something that would have been done like during the doc haul out last year. Yeah, so I go very fast. Like bar type. Yeah, I just stick it in as I and scoop it out. But you gotta be a real weirdo to be able to do that. Did he just just hang there? I don't want to depend on how much you do separate. Oh, I envision that. I thought they are like
attached. They always were wondering if he if he popped out the eyeball, did it just hang? And then he
might have just ripped it off. That might be one of those old wives tales that like gets passed down in families, you know, and it's like really he punched the guy in the eye. But then by the time it got to the great great granddaughter, it was like he just beat Carter. Yeah, exactly. That's why I made
You.
shit to do. I got to take Matt to go see the new compound. We got the little the cows and the donkey's
moved this week. However, the donkey's at it. Oh, they're so breezy. I walked out there and they acted like they didn't even know who I was. Oh, yeah, they didn't even shit. We're probably going to crawl them a little bit to get them off some of that fresh hay. He said, sorry, we have new grass. Yeah,
they're like hell of room, who does like they did not care. They're going to go out tomorrow and
“put them in a smaller pin. Why is too much fresh grass for them? You don't want them to found her?”
Yeah. He's all cut down, but still it's a lot of grass. Yeah. Oh, no, I would drop off that grass. That's what they are right now. They loved good ones. Me is with this present martinis. All right. My seemingly healthy 40 something year old cousin died in November. It was a shock to the whole family. He was living in Las Vegas with his girlfriend at the time. And she claimed she had no idea how he died and told our family to stop asking because it doesn't matter how he died,
“immediate red flag. Why wouldn't his family want to know the cause of his sudden unexpected death?”
We're thinking this bitch murdered him. We're literally accusing her of murder. Finally,
my cousin, his brother, is able to get a report from the coroner's office. He died jacking off. Burrow had an auto erotic, asphyxiation. Damn. I don't even say half the word and you knew what we're looking at. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. All me and my mom and his brother know his real cause of death. Everyone else thinks he overdose. Per his brother's request. Yeah. All right. Do you know famous? The lead singer of NXS died. He was literally hanging himself in
the closet and was jacking off to get hard, right? Well, I mean, I'm not to get hard, but sometimes when you come and make like you know, like when you get choked, it's like so hot because it makes you come harder because you're being choked because you're like lack of air. Yeah. So that's people just get addicted to that high and they chase it. So he was strangling himself. And then yeah, I mean, we don't
“know what he was doing. She could have been doing it too. Oh, maybe that's why. Yeah. She doesn't”
want everyone to know. True child. Yeah. That's a heavy secret. That is a heavy secret to have. Well, are we going to film another Asalkan Fest before we go to LA? We'll have to begin your next week. You guys leave comments below. Let us know what topics you want us to cover in next week's Asalkan Fest and we'll pick one from the YouTube comments. And if we users will shout out your username also. Yeah. Yeah. Love you guys. See you next week. Bye.
