Elle Apologizes to Dolly

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to get your outdoor space ready for way less. This is W-A-Y-F-A-I-R-O-R.com. Is this thing on? What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Today, I am so excited because I have been wanting this guest forever ever since your first

album came out. I have been obsessed with you, and not to mention your dad was one of my childhood crushes. Oh, I got it. L-King is in the house, baby. Wow.

I have been waiting for you to come, because you do not know how obsessed I was with Doos Bigelow. No, I was in that. I did not know that. Wow, little foreshadowing, you're like, "We're gonna be friends."

Oh, yeah. I was a little girl scout. I love that.

I never even knew that, but I mean, I just, I've always been a John Candy and like, a funny

confience. We're always my thing. And you're a dad. I knew he was like the tiniest little thing ever. But I was just like, he finds this out, he's gonna be like, "I've still got it."

Oh, no. Dude, Rob Schneider was like, it was Rob Schneider Drew Carey, like, I had a list. Of like, comedians that I loved as a child. I always go for funny over anything. Like, too.

I mean, I've dated all kinds of different people. But if you make me laugh, you get my heart and my vagina. And my vagina. I'm telling you, man, you make me laugh. My legs are spread wide open.

Yeah. Like, they're in like a neck tat. Like, so old. Oh, they have to have to have to.

Do you have to date a man with tattoos or can you date a man who has bare skin?

I'll try anything twice. I love that. But I do tend to get along better with, I don't know, I just, I like, people who have tattoos. It's the same. You can with, if someone's like covered in tattoos, like, they can with stance and say, "Yeah,

they can say things." They can say things. Yeah, they can say things. Or they have that, like, rough around the edges thing. Yeah.

I feel like if, if we're flesh all in mesh and I'm not only one of the tattoos, I feel like one of these kids is doing its own thing. And I like want you to be on my team.

“You know, like, you need to be covered in tattoos too.”

Yeah, definitely. Are you dating right now? I am actually back with my baby daddy. Oh, we're going to dive into that. Oh, okay.

Hence the tour name, right? Yes. Yes. And we broke up for a year and I was going through really, really insane postpartum. And I don't even think that I realized I was going through it until I kind of got out of

it and we were already broken up and he just kept showing up and we became best friends and then through, like, custody and everything and working together and like a lot of therapy on my part, we like restarted our communication, our, like, respect for each other.

And I just, I never stopped being in love with him and then finally he was just like,

I wore the right set of underwear and just like locked in. I love that. We're doing really, really well. I feel, I love that you're talking about postpartum, though, because I feel like a lot of women in the spotlight, like you guys literally will have babies and then you're

thrust back into the spotlight and it's like you don't have time to heal. You don't have time to nurture yourself and then the world wants to be mad at you if, like, you're not this picture perfect human that they've put you on this pedestal.

“Yeah, it's honestly like, it's kind of fucked up because I, I really struggled to get”

pregnant in a lot of different relationships. And now I know it's like, God's timing is not up to us and even our baby's timing is not up to us and I think that like the pandemic, everything will shut down and I was able to, like, rest, I sold my house in LA. I moved to New Mexico, I had donkeys and goats and I got pregnant and because I wasn't

on the road, I didn't have all this pressure. I ballooned up, I got so heavy and I got up to 284 pounds the day that I delivered my son. And then it was a happy way, though. Yeah.

I mean, it was, it was ruined, but it was also like, my body did what I had to do. And then it took me three years to lose baby weight. And the thing that made me so mad is like, in this day and age, like, no one gives any credit for anything. I don't care how anybody lose weight.

If somebody takes charge of their own life, not to anyone has to because I've been every single size, but like, I worked really, really hard because I was so depressed. I started working three months after I had my son. I was back on the road and I was like, trying to, I like, already stop breastfeeding. I was so stressed out and then I just started working out to try and get my mind right

because I was like, blue. I was really sad, really miserable. And then my son with Miranda drunk, like, really went crazy during my pregnancy. So so many changes happened so quickly, so fast. And then I don't know it.

I just like, you'd think anything that I know about or had known about postpartum was like, oh, like, you could, like, be kind of sad, like, for a couple weeks, a couple months after. And I'm like, looking down, like, it's two years after and like, I'm getting ready to

celebrate my son's second birthday and I'm not with his dad.

And I'm like, I feel so lost. I try to a lot of different therapies. I try, like, all kinds of, like, different psychedelic stuff. I try to talk therapy. I tried everything. And ultimately, I had to go through certain experiences on my own,

some of which I didn't want to go through, but like, life experience is like, you know, I'm already kind of, I don't want to say like, I'm sick of talking about like what happened in January and the dolly incident. And I'm sure people are not going to like, what I have to say about it, a lot of it. But like, I can already look back and be like, you know what, I have this good thing that

came from it. This thing changed in my life. This, I was presented with an opportunity to grow.

“And I think that every experience is an opportunity for change and change is inevitable.”

It's the blade that carves itself and or sharpens itself, whatever that quote is. And I really like that.

was that part of it? Honestly, I don't, I think I kind of come out of postpartum and then everything that had accumulated, everything that I had just like sucked onto my life in my like depression.

“All just kind of came to head and I think it was probably just rock bottom, right?”

I just, if it wasn't that, it was going to be something else.

And I just took, for the first time, like, you know, when I was pregnant, like, I was like,

okay, maybe I got this time given to me. This was, this year was the first time, I was like, I'm stepping, I'm stepping away from this. Everyone's telling me to kill myself. Everyone's telling me to surrender my child.

And it was just so, so wrong. And, you know, if a man did it, it would have been a completely different story. But also like, I've spoken to everybody, and I've spoken to everyone at the Aubrey, and they said that I'm not banned and yeah, it's contrary, it's forgiving. They don't really fit it.

It is. And this, the saddest part about it is like, and I don't even really want to use these words, but like, somebody is going to get arrested. Somebody is going to get something that happens and, you know, some people might say it's good for you.

Like, for me, I'm like, that's sad. The biggest thing I learned was like, okay, take nothing that you read online for, like,

full blown truth, because everything you never know from my experience, especially what

was going on then, I was going through some like, heavy, heavy, heavy shit. Not even postpartum, not even my breakup, not even just that. Just can we touch on it? I mean, it was just, it was a dark situation that I can't talk about, and I don't really want to.

Like, like, a relationship. Yeah, I was like, bad shit that was going on. And I, because of that, no one knew what was really going on, and they just thought, like, God forbid somebody looks and thinks, wow, like, what was going on with her that day, you know, like, I, I played two shows that day.

I played two fucking shows. The first show was great. It was perfect. But I had neat and I hadn't done anything, I hadn't slept in days. So I had such bad anxiety and everything, and I just walked back on stage, and I'd taken

one shot too many. We went through that alleyway and went to Robert's Western world, and a bunch of people were celebrating, and to, you know, one shot at Tequila when I had been drinking a martini, and like, that, I was like the tiniest I'd ever been, and boom, I could come to and like, the curtains down, and it sucks.

It's awful. I swear, every time I look at a phone bill now, I'm like, why are we all just accepting this? Somehow, your wireless bill starts at one price, and then by the time they add random fees, you're paying way more than you expected.

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But at the same time, I went home and I was like, I never, I never want to cry like

that in a car ride home. I never want to wake up feeling like that ever again. I never want to feel that shame. I never want to like, you know, any time dollar important calls to you is cool. But like, I didn't want it to be under those circumstances and like, but she called

me to make me feel better, you know, and we'd angel level one of them. She's literally, she's like proof of angels.

“She truly is and I think what that taught, like, I learned so much from this experience”

and like, if I can come out of it, literally anyone can and I've had so many experiences like that. I hope I have less of them in the future. That's I'm with your girl. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, this last week, I'm like, Lord, what are you trying

Come on, look at lessons is like getting kind of full.

Yeah. But I don't know. I do believe in like, like, many lives. Absolutely. I also believe in Soul Contracts and I believe that.

Me too. Me too. What do you believe? Let me know. Okay.

So I believe, um, I did, okay, this is kind of wacky. I love it. I don't know. People believe in the same way. I'm so into it.

No. Very spiritual. I'm very connected to spirit. I meditate. I've got guides.

Oh, I love that. I love that. Sister. Yes. Have you been through all over your laugh?

Because I, this is me. Okay. Amazing. You found it. You found it.

You found it. Okay. Okay. I did this one reading with a woman and she was, it was called like a rose reading.

I'd never done anything like that.

And she went through some past lives. And because I'm clairvoyant and clairsentia, I also don't talk about this walk, but I don't care. I don't care. And you are too.

Yes. Okay. I believe that.

“And I, I feel like that's why we're like, I love connected.”

I, it was like over the phone because it was during COVID, it was right before COVID when things were like starting to like get crazy. And she was explaining a couple of my past lives. And I could, I was like locked in with her and I could see her. Like I could see everything that she was seeing.

And I'm, everything lined up and I asked her. I said, have I ever had a child in a past life? And she said no. And, and so she said, you're going to have to make a soul contract with someone to bring like, for this lifetime.

And, I mean, I've even had like, like, psychists when I was pregnant before I had a miscarriage. And he was like, have you ever had a miscarriage? And I was like, no, not that I know I was like boom a week later. I had like, I had a miscarriage. And then the next pregnancy was missed.

And, and so I think that I had to have a soul contract with either my baby. I don't know how all of it works, but I know that like my baby chose me. And I know that he's like destined to be here. But to do that, like, I'm so into healing and I'm all into like a lot of like spiritual stuff. So I felt like, it's true, I still something on the line.

It was like, if you're ever feeling like, called to a place like you need to go because there's something that has to happen there.

I've never been to Bali and I went, I went probably like, it was like, in January and

I had like two back-to-back miscarriages in September and like, yeah, end of August and into September and was still on the road like three days after like bleeding on stage, everything. So sad and do me gloomy. I can, it's easier.

That's your childhood trauma is to push through any sort of pain and not sit in it.

“Yeah, it's because I don't, I can't, that's why I'm going to lose my mind too.”

I don't want to wallow. No, no. Okay, what job can I do? Okay, what can I do? Let's make another album.

Let's do something. And then I lose my mind because I'm not actually taking the time. My new thing, I, I got to feel it to heal it and say that's what I do. That's why I took time this year. I know I'm bouncing all over the place, but I don't know, I love it.

And I'll draw you in. Okay, cool. Yeah. I went, I felt this like pulled to Bali and I looked up this healing ceremony in the middle of the jungle and I dragged my best friend with me.

And she was like, okay, and even though she's like into metaphysical spiritual stuff, she was like, this is like a little much. And I'm like meeting with this healer and she says to me, she was, I was like, you know, I had a miscarriage and like I really, all I want to be is a mother. And she said, well, it's, the soul is a boy and he'll come, he'll come back to you.

And I said, what do I have to do? She said, you have to make a sacrifice. And I was like, oh, like quitting smoking. And she was like, just looked at me and got up and walked away. And then did this like crazy thing where they like whip you with flat.

It was beautiful and like portal this like gorgeous water all over you. And then you like scream and then they like paint like flowers all over you. And they pray for you and it's beautiful. It was so incredible. And that year is when I got pregnant and I had a boy.

And it was just beautiful. I believe it.

“There's something so I think important about just like what?”

Like your convictions are and what you believe in. And it, it's, it's so simple. It's like the thoughts you tell yourself or the things that you say out loud. All of it is energy. Oh, words are spells.

Yes. I tell everybody not. It's everything that you like today. I had a doctor's appointment and like I was really scared about it. And I didn't even do.

I had one today too. What was yours about? Can we ask? I'll tell you after. Okay.

But I didn't want, I didn't want to like put negative thing. Like I was, I was so freaked out about it that like I refused to say like, it's not going

I just like, I'm nervous. Yes. And I felt like that was better. I had one today too where I was finding out if I really had an aneurysm on my carotid artery.

Oh my gosh. I had just found out last week that I had one. Today I got the news that I didn't have one.

And I know exactly what you're saying because I never, when I prayed.

I wasn't like, you know, God, please don't let me have this. I just said, whatever your will is. Yeah. And let me know what the lesson is here. Yeah.

And I never, you know, and I get that. I understand when you're so scared, your first thing as is you want to be like, no, please don't let that, you know? Yeah. But I really was just like surrendered.

And it was my moment to actually learn how to have faith. Yes. And it worked and I'm telling you right now. If you don't speak those things into your life, not saying that it doesn't happen for everybody.

But if you don't speak those things into your life, you can definitely I feel change the energy, the energy or the trajectory of what's about to happen. Yes. And you can create that. Absolutely.

And it's like the whole thing about manifestation and which is something I learned about this year. And I even just speaking it, it's like I didn't realize what I was doing. But when I took time off what I was thinking like, oh fuck, like, I could go back to the world.

And I could have no fucking career. I could have no musical career.

I could never play a show again.

I could get dropped from my label. My management could drop me.

“And I started thinking, all right, bitch, what do you want to fucking do?”

Like what would be cool? What would excite you? Because I want to be, I'm a very passionate person with very hard worker. And I thought, wouldn't it be cool to play like a bad guy in a movie? Yeah.

Because, you know, my dad's an actor. And I don't really feel like I get a lot of the nepotism stuff. And I feel, it makes me sad for the people who do because that's one thing I've loved about you is that when I was researching your life story, you're a lot like me. I didn't come from, you know, very much, but I always wanted to pave my own way.

And you were just like, I want to make my own way. Yeah. I respect. I didn't really grow up with my dad. I grew up with my mom.

Yeah. And let's go back and talk about that real quick. So you are a daughter of Rob Schneider, Daddy Schneider. Yeah. Every time I say that, she blushes.

Yeah. Beautiful, Miss London King. Yes. And who was like a supermodel, correct? Yeah.

And she's the coolest. You are her twin. I mean, you guys are beautiful. You are her twin. I mean, I can see a little bit of your dad and you, but you are her, just, you know, reincarnated.

Take me on this journey with your childhood because I don't think a lot of people don't know that your dad was not in your life growing up. He really wasn't. And it's interesting because like, yeah, I was born in California. Like, my parents, they weren't married for very long.

They didn't really know each other. And my mom had a son before me. My mom was a really, really young mom. My family comes from southern Ohio, like very close to West Virginia. And it's a super small town.

“I think it's like 1,800 people, which is like big for a small town.”

Yeah. More than one stoplight. Yeah.

And it's the place that is, and always has been my constant because my family

moved around a lot. And my parents, yeah, they split. And I have, I would spend time with my dad, but my mom raised me, like always. My mom single mom until she met my stepdad who also, he's my dad, like, he totally raised me.

And out of the step parents. Yes. I'm a step parent. Yes, you are. And they're so important.

And I, I don't, I definitely wouldn't be a musician if it weren't for my stepdad. And he taught me everything. I know about music. I mean, I'm wearing, he's got his own label, good times rocking roll club. I'm wearing his shirt.

I don't want it. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Those are new whole care package and records and stuff. I would love that.

And he's just like the most badass person ever. And my mom, my mom, I saw her reinvent herself, like, almost every 10 years. Because she was a fit model, she was a model, she did some acting. And then she, she became like a fitness instructor and she was like helping, she was like really, really, really into health.

And then when we moved to New York, when I was about 12 years old, we left Ohio because my stepdad's from New York. And my mom became a doula, and she, like, my mom's pretty crunchy. But she's the coolest. Like she encapsulated my placenta.

“And I'm, I'm, okay, what is encapsulating placenta just for people at home?”

Okay. So the placenta is basically, it's like a filter, but it's also what gives all the nutrients and all the life from the uterus to the baby. And it's what's connected to the imbilical cord from the baby to the mama. And so it's, sometimes they call it like the afterbirth and it comes out after you have,

And we are the only, I don't, I don't want fat checkers to come after me, but I'm going

to try my best. We're the only mammals that don't like instinctively or naturally eat our placenta or afterbirth because it's, it's like so full of nutrients. So I don't know if anyone's ever seen like a dog or a cat give birth, but like they, they eat it. They eat the membranes often because the, the, the, the puppies and stuff.

Yes. Because it helps them. And so some people say that, well, I mean, there's a lot of, a factual evidence behind it.

“I don't, I don't want, like super Western roots of people to come after me, because I believe”

it. Everybody has grace here. Yeah. Okay, great. And so my mom cooks the placenta and then encapsulates it and then the woman or the mother

slowly eats it over time. Was it just like vitamin? Was it taste like vitamin? What does it taste like? Anything?

Well Dan, my boyfriend, he ate a piece of Michael'senta.

It was cooked. It was cooked. It was like close to like a beautiful, you know? You know, it's like, guys with neck tattoos, we're funny. I don't know.

What do you do? I love the wild. You're like, let's make another baby. Yeah, exactly. And, but it made me feel, like, when I took it, it made me feel like kind of anxious.

And, um, I don't know, I, I was feel like I'm like letting my mom down because she's

“just like angel and jelly, like, she, I was a, a V-back, so she had a, a C section with”

my brother, and then she had a natural birth with me, and she said, it was an orgasmic birth. There's a, there's a duck. I love mom. I know.

Oh my God. I love mom. She's right up my own. Yes. She's wonderful.

You guys love each other. And she literally made me and Dan watch this documentary called orgasmic birth. And I was like, okay, so tell me about this or orgasmic births.

I've never heard of this.

Okay. Okay. Great. And I actually heard of it in my whole life because my mom was like, I had an orgasmic birth with you.

That was like mom's dog telling people that words every kid wants to hear. Yes. But it was like, it's basically the whole like idea of it from what I took from the documentary. I was like, yes. I'm not having that.

That's not me. I was like, cut this puppy out. You kind of like get yourself into this date. And I was just watching that show too hot to handle with the energy orgasms. Yeah.

Okay. I love that. So I don't think it's that far off from that. So you get yourself into this state of like relaxation and you're connected with your partner.

And then I guess you have this, this like flush that's like orgasmic release of, I don't think it's like a sexual pleasure, but watching that thing, like, you know, you can learn a lot from reality being, I can understand now how it could be this like, right? Or gasmic feeling of like, oh my gosh, combine with like, I did it. And wow.

My babies here. Just in private. Just enjoy. Yeah. Yeah.

It makes me think like, do I want to try for like a V-back if I have another kid? Yeah. I don't know. It's, there's a lot of things. Most likely, if I were, I would be like, cut this boy out.

That's how I was in my breath. I still think it's a beautiful thing to think about.

“So I mean, if you know, if I'm scared to death of natural birth, that's why I was”

J and I are doing IVF and we're going to get a Sarah again, but because I also have issues too. And I just at this age, I don't have time for miscarriages and stuff like that. So, but yeah, women who give birth, man, you guys are fucking savages, dude. Like, that is the most barbarically beautiful thing that a woman can do.

And I mean, you guys are literally just pushing a soul out of your body. Yeah. It's, it's pretty wild. I mean, I had a C-section. I freaked out on the table.

I was screaming, I can't feel my legs. And I was screaming for this. I was like, I literally, like, it's so me. They didn't even let my mom come up, but they, because it was during freaking COVID. And so I was like, give me, literally, give me drugs.

Where is Dan? screaming for him to come in there. Poor Dan's on a corner somewhere. I know where she was going on, man. But it was cool, but I just, I feel like I won't do anything that my parents ever expect

of me. And I felt kind of sad. And, I don't know, I'm just like a different person, and I definitely have a very different destiny. But I also thought, like, because my pregnancy was so hard and intense, like, and before

Dan and I got back together, I wanted another child. And I asked my sister, I was like, 'cause she's at three kids, she got her tubes tied, but she can still towed it. And I was like, 'I love that.' I was like, 'Hey, like, would you carry me with me?'

Like, it wasn't even two seconds later.

Like, that's, that's cool.

I love that. But, yeah, I was like, looking up like, you know, cryobanks and everything.

“And I think that surrogacy is so beautiful and like, what a gift.”

I think any, I hate it when I see that people get anything negative about how they choose to be healthy, how they choose to welcome children into this world. It should only be, like, I've killed someone. It should only ever be celebrated. 'Cause again, to bring it back, like, you have no fucking idea.

What someone had to go through to even get to that point to make that decision. I just think we live in a world where it's like a fish tank and some days you're the fish that gets picked on. And it's like, they will zero in, like, when you went through the dolly situation. And I remember it broke my heart and I reached out to you because I was like, she doesn't

fucking deserve it. I've met you. I've felt your energy. I'm like, she is the sweetest fucking soul. And that's why I reached out to you because I wanted you to know, like, you're not alone.

But this online shipment, it's bad. Like, it is, um, mob mentality. And it's millions of people mob mentality that just have a fucking word. It is, too. It is because there's no, there's no recourse.

No. So, if you say something, nothing happens, you know? Like, and I thought, like, after all the stuff from, like, early 2000s with, like, the Perez Hilton's and all that, just like horrible, horrific bullying, like, and then I thought maybe, like, okay, no more bullying is like a thing, like, no, and the saddest part

about it, which is the only way that I can, like, still have a fucking Instagram. It's like, okay, that person who's saying that is hurting. Yeah. Well, you have to post and go. That's what I do now.

I mean, yeah.

“You have to learn that in the last six months, why you can't look at it, right?”

No, I just, and I'll, I'll look at the first five.

And then I leave it alone for a few days when I'm feeling a little bit strong, and then I'll go back in and if there's something. Okay. By that time, by that time, I'm over that post and it doesn't mean anything so I'll just delete or block, you know, if I need to, but yeah, I just post and ghost.

And it was, it's been the blessing for my mental health, dude. You have to, because, yeah. I mean, like, most days, I'm like, I don't want to do Instagram. Yeah. And I used to love it.

Because I actually interact with my fans and then, say, some, some people would comment, like, hey, you're getting like 150 really kind things and you're only interacting with the person who said something mean. I get that too. And it's weird, because like, you know what, that's fucking true.

That's so true. Why? But, and then people, they want that. They want to fight. It's so weird.

You can't win. You cannot. No. It doesn't matter. There's some reason.

They will come back and say some of the craziest shit, and you're just like, son of a bitch, you know? You really wild. I just, I just go straight for like, the your mom jokes. Yeah.

So me, too. That's why you're such a horror. I'm, I'm be like, that's not what your dad said about your mom. You know, like, I'll say, like, like, it's like, it's funny. I say, like, that's not what your mom said.

Yeah. Like, okay. So, so, so, so, so. Yeah, no, seriously. So, let's circle back to your childhood.

So, you grew up in Ohio.

“And I think a lot of people were like, when you did, and we'll get into your album.”

And stuff like your albums, and stuff like that. But when you did cross over into country, did you get any kind of pushback? Because people were like, oh, you're not country. But really, you are. You grew up in a rural part of Ohio.

Yeah. I didn't actually get any pushback. I think I think because I connected with country fans. And the biggest, the biggest pushback was that, okay, when I would get really drunk. Like, if anyone were to ever meet my brother and see us together.

Like, we say the billy comes out. Like, my hillbilly comes out. Yeah. And so, when I'm drunk, like, I, like, become this like, written, written, fucking, you know. Hillbilly.

Yeah, somebody sounds. Yes. Yeah. And, um, but no one ever takes the time to find out where someone's from. No one ever takes the time to find out.

They're back to our history. It's like, all they see is like, she was born in LA. That's Rob Schneider. She's like, to be honest. Like, God forbid, you find out that, like, I'm also Filipino.

And my family is completely as fuck in a nice way, you know? Who's Filipino? That's Filipino. Wow. And so, I had two very, like, different.

I spent a lot of time with my, my dad's mom, my grandmother. Yeah. She's from, she's from Manila. And I had a really large, like, Filipino family. And Northern California.

Oh.

And so, my dad would always be working, but my grandmother, she would fly.

At, like, 60 something years old, she would fly from San Francisco to Columbus, Ohio. Pick me up at, like, four or five years old. Fly me back to San Francisco to spend a weekend with me. Fly me back to Columbus and then she would fly back to San Francisco. And like, that's grandmother love right there.

That is. And she taught me a lot about family values.

I love Filipino food. Me too. Yeah. It's so good. And so, I had that and then I had this, like, very, like, super American Midwest, like, country,

family life in Ohio, but I was, like, a rebel. I got kicked out of school in second grade. I was always in trouble. I was, like, friends with all the bad kids.

“And I think that rebellious street came from.”

Do you think it was from your father's absence? No. You know, it could have had a lot of, a lot of that. I think, um, now that I'm a mom, like, if I, if I hear of something with a child that is acting out,

my first thought is what need, what needs are not being met of the child. Not, oh, that's a problem kid. Oh, that kid is absolutely a fuck up. Right. And I was labeled as a really bad kid.

But honestly, like, I, I didn't have, like, a massive amount of structure. My mom was a hustler. My mom was working.

She was, she always had three jobs.

She was always traveling. My mom would go back and forth to Hong Kong. So it's been a lot of time with my grandparents in Southern Ohio. And, um, mom, mom, mom, mom. Mom, mom, mom.

Mom, mom, mom. Oh, yeah. I did my research. Yes. And, um, and so I don't know.

And then when I would, if I would ever spend a summer with my dad, it would be on a movie set. And I, I would just get lost in the shuffle. And you never feel like you guys could connect or it was just more of like, not tell as much much older.

I feel like, and this is not an excuse for dads at all. But I feel like dads have a hard time relating to younger kids. I think, not all of them. It's hard. I think dads who make the choice to connect with their kids.

Yeah. Do. And, um, my dad and my relationship is like, a real big Evan flow. Like right now we're not flowing. I disagree with a lot of the things that he says.

And, um, it is just, I don't know. You want, you can want someone to change so much. And ultimately, like, all you can, you can't control anyone else's actions. You can't control people's feelings. All you can control is how you react and what you do with your feelings.

Absolutely. Sometimes I fucking boil up and I boil over and I fucking bust my lid. I'm trying so hard to not be that way.

“Because I feel like that's how I'm wired the same way.”

I'm my dad and I actually have the same hat that he just passed away. I'm more, uh, may sorry. It's, it's okay. Um, he and I had the same type of relationship where I,

I feel like I was always the one to tell him to give it to my dad.

Yeah. You know, because nobody else did. Yeah. But I was always the one that was there to be like, no, you're wrong. You need to change this now.

Yeah. Even in the end, it just, it never got through. And you try every different angle. I would try letters. I would try soft.

Yeah. I would try yelling. It's just like, well, see, look, you're yelling, you're yelling. Or like, you can't even stick up for your, it's like, what? Like, it's, it's psychotic.

And I mean, it's that, that generation of men for some reason. They're so fucking toxic and they're cool being toxic. Yeah. You know, it's, everybody else's fault.

“Everyone else is the problem because they're like, perfect.”

Yeah. And they're like so smooth and they're delivery too. You're just like, oh, there's a fucking emotion. Yeah. That is sick.

You are wrong for that. Yeah. It's so fucking weird.

And like, ultimately, it made me a very strong person.

But I'm also an extremely anxious person too. And like, you grew up with OCD cracks. Oh, yeah. When did that start? Like, when did you start realizing like, hey, I have an issue here with this.

Because I'm OCD myself. Okay. Well, I have, my OCD comes out in like very mild Tourette's. And I, I twitch constantly. And, oh my gosh, I'm like so embarrassed about it.

Oh, it's really beautiful. It makes me mad because people are like, she's tweaking online. It's like, motherfucker, like, I used to be fucking tweaking. And nobody said shit then, now I'm fucking sober. And now my Tourette's are fucking coming out because I'm not even taking like medications

for it because I'm just trying to like come into my womanhood and like be myself. And it's like, my hands twitch. And it's, it's so that my facial ticks don't go crazy. But my OCD, I was diagnosed when I was like in sixth grade. Because I had this whole like number thing and this touching thing.

I had to touch everything with two fingers. Like really intense stuff. And I was like a compulsive eater. So, and that was like something that my, the people, a lot of people my family had. My family had like big issues with.

And it's like, oh, it's got to be hard. You know, because your mom was a super model. Yes. I'm sure your mom probably dealt with her own issues with eating too. Because being in that industry, there's no way that you can.

Cut throat. So cut throat. And she had to stay as I six consistently.

Yeah. But my mom, see, my mom spun it in a way where she took her struggles and all the pressures that she felt her whole life.

And she spun it into always telling me to love myself.

And like, she had a trevi daughter because I felt like both of my parents had their like obsessions with eating. I'm probably getting so much hope to talk about this. But like, I don't hear my mom will be proud. I was going to say, I think that people need to hear this because not enough people do talk about it. Yeah, you know, my husband struggles with the same thing.

And he's very open about it. Yeah. I think that there's a large number of kids that need to hear this too. It's hard. It's so hard.

And like, you think about, you know, all the things that someone could get addicted to. And ultimately, like, one, I'm going to dig it all them too. It's really like, it started with food for me and compulsive eating because it was like where I found comfort. Yeah. And both of my grandmothers, they were, you know, like, they were huggable.

They were heavier women. And, but they had so much trauma that they grew up with. Yeah. And like, my grandmother saw her freaking brother get beheaded in the war in the Philippines. Oh, my goodness.

Like, so she would eat and she would feed me. You know, she would feed me, like, lots of food. And then my grandmother, like, she also a love language to 100%. Yeah. My grandmother and Ohio, my mom all like, she could cook, like, nobody's business.

And she would just like, baby, you want more. You want, let me feed you. And it was just so good. And I would put a sweet cream corn on top of my mashed potatoes.

“And that's what, that's what I would eat.”

That's literally still to this day in my comfort zone. So good. It's so delicious. So good. But like, they did that good reo.

But I guess objective, right? Yeah. And so I was like a really, really heavy child. My dad sent me to that camp. I mean, yeah, it was rough.

And then I got in trouble one year because I, I sprained my ankle. And I didn't lose any weight. So it's like very toxic and very silly. And like, it's got to be, how old were you when you got sent to the fat camp? Um, right.

Is it okay to call it a fat camp? I mean, listen, hey, I called it that now. Okay, too. I just want to make sure I don't insult anybody because I feel so bad. You know, we can't helpful.

But like, the effort, the effort is like, is so triggering for me. I'm, and for me, too, because of my husband. And I, it's so, and I've seen the effects of that word on people. And it's so hurtful.

And so I never, you know, I just want to make sure.

It's so awful. But like, that's where he sent me to. Yeah. I remember you. How old were you?

I was in a row. I was 11 and 12. And it's like, um, what did they do in these camps? They, they literally, like, you get, like, a slice of turkey and, like, steam vegetables for, like, every meal.

And they make you work out all day long. That's not healthy, though. No. And you need way more calories than not to make your meal. Yeah.

And also, you need fucking therapy. Like, you need to talk about it. There it is.

“And you need to figure out, like, what is going on with you therapy?”

And those, I never, I never had therapy.

Like, they do things that were like, it adults went there too. And like, I think some people saw results. Um, because I were starting. Because I was starting. I remember themselves.

Yeah. I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't, and there was a lot of other stars. Kids who went there. So that was sad. And I mean, it was got to be a child.

I mean, it was got to be a child. I mean, it was got to be a child. I mean, it was got to be a child. I mean, it was got to be a child. I mean, it was got to be a child.

I mean, it was got to be a child. I mean, it was got to be a child. I mean, it was got to be a child. It got to a point where like, I never, I didn't want to spend a summer with them. And like, when I got, I got kicked out of almost every school I went to.

I got kicked out at when the first school that I went to in New York City was a school called York Prep. And I don't know. I was, I was probably, I was, I, I refused to wear the uniform. I would like yell back at teachers. And, and it was, I just, I always had problems with authority.

Me too. And I got kicked out at every school I went to too. I got it. But it doesn't, we're not dumb. We don't have a lack of intelligence.

We probably just learn a different way than any kind of box structure that most people can, you know, function in one size fits all. I think us as children types of the type of women that we are. We also learned at a very young age that we were surrounded by people we did not want to be like. Yeah. I, I know that my family, I was just, I looked around at everybody and I'm like, you talk sick mother fuckers.

Not saying I wasn't, but I was just like a man. I'm here to break a cycle. Yeah.

“And I think that's, even though we didn't know that's what we were doing.”

That's a young age where like, rebels without a cause, but really we did have a cause. We were sent here to shake shit up and break some chains. Yeah. Even if it hurts because, unfortunately, we're also strong enough to be able to handle and carry that burden of her. Because in some like dark twisted knife way, like,

it will continue to push us and I mean, I believe it that God never gives us anything that we can't handle. And sometimes it feels like, are you sure?

Yeah. I felt I was like, you really, really good. Like what's happening? Yeah. But I, I don't know.

I think that now that I'm like less destructive, I can see, I can see the blessings and the lessons and things. Yes. And things much sooner and I mean, like literally as these words are like leaving my mouth. I'm like, listen to that. It's like listen to this.

No. And when you're in it, it is so hard. Yeah. Trust me. I get it.

Like I said, I just went through it. But it is like amazing what the mind can do because of what the mind believes the body will follow. Yeah.

And I always tell people that.

And words are spells and like, it doesn't matter what you say. If you say, you know, like, I feel like I'm going to die. And I have a problem saying stuff like that. Like when I don't feel good, I'll be like, I feel like I'm going to die. And then I have to correct myself and be like, no, no, no, I don't mean that.

“You know, like, you have to really be careful with what you say and put in the world.”

Definitely. I'm struggling back. So you had said that you did not want to. You said you got to a point where you stopped wanting to go and spend summers with your dad. Yeah.

I mean, like, he was filming this one like prison movie and like stuck in California in prison. And I was going to say, there's not very many. Yeah. Cool. Thanks.

It's absolutely awesome. And I shot out the deos brothers. Yeah. I got already started getting tattooed. And it was like 108 degrees, like every single day.

So I was having more sweaters because my dad was like, very anti tattoos are like any form of self-expression. The differed from what he wanted for me, not that he ever even thought about me. You're killing my fantasy a robber. I'm so sorry. It's over.

It's done. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But yeah, I just, like, I would get in so much trouble.

And now, like, a massive part, like, of, like, I guess, little, little tease that have turned into massive paranoia. Paranormal. Paranormal. Paranoia. Yes.

What's paranoia? I don't know.

“I was going to say, is that, like, ghosts or something?”

I don't know. But like, the, like, paranormal. A cool dog named. I was like, spend one day in this, like, Gucci house. She's cool.

And I'm gonna remember how to talk about that. Oh, dad.

You had to wear sweaters, never in the tattoos.

And so, like, I didn't want to be the okoha, my little teeth. So, I would get in so much trouble if I ever, oh, my God. If I ever messed up a shot, or if I ever was, like, it, like, an arm in the camera, or, like, if I ever was talking, like, I would get in fucking trouble.

And, like, I spent, you know, I'm really putting shit out there, right now. But, like, my dad forgot about every single birthday. Like, I spent my 18th birthday in a summer school, like, class with, like, algebra 1. Because if I didn't take it, I wouldn't graduate.

And they brought me cupcakes, and I came home. My dad forgot my birthday. It's okay. I read it. I read it.

I read it. Yeah, it's totally hurtful. But, like, you know what? Dad shapes and molds you. I put every, I put every ounce of my being into my son's birthday.

Like, every birthday, even for my friends, like, every birthday. Because I know how it feels to be forgotten on your birthday. And that's so sad. It's like, come on, it's my one fucking day.

It's my one, give me that. Yeah, give me that. Yeah. And so, like, I stopped wanting to go. And then I got kicked out of school in New York in six or seven grade.

And my mom was like, I am done with her. I was being bad. I got my tongue pierced. My mom walked in on me and a boy. And she was like, she's mom's losing her shit.

Yes. And my mom is tough. My mom, like, she doesn't give up on me ever. But my mom was like, she's fucking your problem.

“And he was like, what do you want me to do with her?”

And he was going to Amsterdam. So I was 14. And it took me to Amsterdam. And he, I know. I've not got to be a developer.

My dad hired this 21 year old sweet sweet. She is an Indian young woman. She was a virgin. And her name was Amin. And she was like, she was lovely.

And every single day I'd say, let's go to the flower markets. And. And I would be like, oh, yeah, wow, look at those tulips. And then I would dip back behind. I'd like watch her freak out looking for me.

And I'd go straight to the flower markets. Her freak out looking for me and I'd go straight to the red light district. I still to this day roll the best joints ever. But like, I wanted culture. I wanted to see things.

And I didn't want every single day. I would ditch an Annie. And she didn't want to lose her job.

So she never told my dad.

Oh, so I basically just spent. However, many months, we were there in Amsterdam. I had, I mean, I would go to like my, my home school. Like, teacher. I was like, I don't even, I was learning some Dutch in French or something.

But like, I never paid attention. I can always distract somebody.

Or I'd be like, oh, you're in the Dungeons and Dragons. That's cool.

“Like, I don't really want to learn about like science, man.”

And, um, and then, you know, like one time we went to any time. My dad would like have me on a trip. He would like forget that he had me. And so he, I, I don't know. I know because he did, he's not a great planner.

And is that, that's the least of his worries. Yeah. And so he took me to Russia and with him. Oh, no. I was probably 18.

Actually, but the thing is, like, I refuse to like waste a trip. Yeah. So I love that even at such a young age, you were like mother fucker. I'm here to live. Yeah.

Yeah. We were in Russia. And he was like in a basement, like getting ready to do some TV show. He had two security guards. And I was like, hey, hey, we're in Moscow.

Like, I'm not sitting in this basement. I was like, I'm going to go out.

And he always just be like reading something like whatever.

Take, take one of the security guards with you. I was like, great. So this is like beautiful Russian like taxito fucking wearing like young handsome security guard. I was like, what are you doing Moscow? And he's like, do you like to ride rides?

I was like, I fucking love rides. Takes me to an amusement park. Rides all the fucking rides with me. Isn't like photo booth pictures with me takes me to get like the big Russian hat. And then like, I had started to lose some of my like teenage weight.

And he was staying with like this very, my dad was like there for this like really rich lady. And she let me buy this like La Perla gown and like heels. Because they had some fashion show. And I was like, I'm such a tomboy. I don't know how to walk in heels.

And there was like 25 steps down from this party. And the guy was like, Nikolai, he picked me up, walks me down the steps. Open the limo with me in his arms and like sets me down. And I was like, yeah. Thank you.

Thank you. So like did you and Nikolai ever hug up? No, no, no, no, no. But, you know, I think of him fondly. She's like, I was like, my God, I'm sorry.

What's the baby daddy's name, Dan? Dan, Dan, you're not listening right now.

We're never going to rush it again.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know fucking Dan, Dan's like we're never going to rush a baby. Damn it. Damn it.

Nikolai. Nikolai story. That or he's going to be like, next time we have sex, call me Nikolai. Okay. I love that.

I love that baby. They've just picked me up. I love that. So circle back though, you did say that your stepfather influenced your trajectory and a music.

Yeah, we are not journeying. So my step dad, his name is Justin. And he met my mom who's the lead singer in this rock and roll band in Columbus called Bob City, amazing rock and roll. And my mom started dating him and her best friend was dating somebody else in the band.

And so we love the boys around here. Yes. Yes. And I just had rock and roll people all around me. And he still to this day has the best record collection I've ever seen.

And like he came into our lives when I was like, I don't know. Maybe six or seven.

“And I remember being like so young and like he didn't care.”

Dicky fingered kids and all just like he would let me go through all the records. And he would be like, you like that? Listen to this. My, some of my earliest memories of like singing along to music is like my first like time singing like into a hairbrush and the mirror is like captain and tenial.

Love will keep us together. It's because he had all these records and he would just he would say like he still makes like new music Friday playlists that he like sends out to all this friends. Because he just has the coolest taste of music. And he just shaped me.

And so when we moved to New York, my mom always had me.

Like you always have to have some kind of extra curricular because he, I think she knew like academics were not going to be my, you know, the foot that I lead with. So I was about to put that I lead with. So I would like, I was taking violin at four years old or I, you know, at any time I wanted to quit something.

But you can quit it. But you have to replace it something. I tried ice skating like ice sports, not my thing. Summer like water stuff. That's me.

So I was in stuff. No. And or like piano vocal lessons and when we moved to New York, his best friend and one of his bandmates, you know, came super talented guitar player.

He taught me how to play guitar. And it was just kind of on from there. And the way he taught me it was just like, I can't teach you how to read music. But I can teach you how to play all your favorite songs.

And I can help you like learn how to sing along to it.

“And that's how, because I, I think also because I studied Suzuki,”

which isn't your training method on violin. I think I, I'm more attuned to string instruments.

like a guitar, a bass, a violin, a mandolin, band joe, anything. And kind of the final way, right? That's the final way, right? That's the talent.

Not everybody can do that. Jack of all traits, master of none. But that's fine. Yeah. Yeah.

It's okay.

“I can, I feel like she's like my sole sister.”

Like everything. It's so crazy. It's a talent, though, because I actually was taught how to read music. So I can read music, but I can't, if I hear something, I can't play it.

So I've always been invious of people who can do that.

I think that's such a beautiful thing. Well, maybe we have to start a band. I'll do it. I'll do it. And then we'll go on tour with Daddy Roll.

Yes. Yes. I mean, listen, I have fun on that tour. I love it. Yeah.

And you know what? Oh, my gosh. When I saw you guys at stage coach, like, he came, like, during the show came over and like gave me a big hug. Like, but that's, that's, like, that's who Jelly Roll is.

We love Elman. We love you. You're just a little light, you know? You remind me of like, fairy energy and don't take that the wrong way. No, I don't.

One of my past lives. She was like, you were fake. And like, the beginning times of earth. I love that. No, you do.

You just have this twinkle about you. And it doesn't matter what you're going through.

It's like you are always just trying to make everybody happy around you.

And I just love that about you. I feel like I was like, I saw a lot of things back in Hollywood where like, you didn't get in trouble for how you treated people.

“And I, I'll never forget like seeing how like after someone got yelled at, for instance,”

how that made someone feel. Yeah. And I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm sure there's a lot of people who have worked for me. It would be like, she's a fucking bitch.

And I, I'm not a perfect person. I have grown a lot. And I've eaten shelves of humble pie. But I, I really do believe. Especially just for like where I'm at now.

Everything that has brought me to here. It's like, all I can control is like my reaction. And I've been a very reactive person. My whole life. But if I continue to put out what I hope to receive,

I, I can feel the path of my life and the trajectory of my joy. Going to where I hope it lands. And that's just like waking up, making choices. I, I look at my son looking. I say, we're choosing kindness today, buddy.

I love his name. Thank you. So cute. We got lucky with him. So I love that.

And I think as unforgiving as the world feels, they love to see growth.

“And I think them just hearing this podcast is going to change their entire perception of you.”

Well, thank you for giving me the opportunity. And like, I'm obsessed with you. Oh, the girl, you come here anytime. Thank you. Because that I'm my couch every year.

I do not care. I always have space. We have to, we have to see the evolution of growth. We really do. So seeing like, yes, seriously.

So take me on this journey to of your first album that you dropped in 2015. Like, how do what were the steps that led up to that? Because not everybody can just get an album and a record. Deal and all that stuff. No, it's pretty crazy.

I mean, I've been playing shows since I was like 15 years old.

And my mom was always super, super supportive.

And like, she would help me sneak into bars. She knew that I had a fake ID. And like, she, I had a talent for it. And like, I had, I was, I started writing songs. Like, 14 years old.

And, and then once I started playing the banjo, it was like, it was different. Like, I kind of stood out. And so I was playing country songs in New York. And I was getting like, residences at like 18, 19 years old.

And then this, a manager found out about me. And I had already left New York was living in LA. Losing my mind going kind of crazy. Like, it was not for me. And I always find that fascinating.

Because it's like, most people who grew up in New York can't handle LA. And most people who grew up in LA can't handle New York. Right. I grew up in Vegas in LA. So when I go to New York, I'm like over-stimulating.

Yeah. No, it can be a lot. Like, I don't, I, I romanticize about like New York. And I, I really love going back to visit now. Because my mom's, my mom and dad, my setpad,

so live there. And my son loves going to New York. So it's always like a really fun time now. I, I just don't, I got very accustomed to having like acreage. Even if it's five.

You know, like, I have to have a four wheeler right now. I'm like, I cruise around the neighborhood. I don't have acreage, but we're, we're buying another house. And I love four wheelers and golf carts. And like, I have a tractor in my East Nashville.

Like, come out this way. You know what? I, we're looking. It's, and it's like 20 minutes away from here. So it's, it's really, really beautiful.

I just mom and he's a pool.

So I got to swim. Yes, ma'am. And so I, we're talking about that. You get in your, you know, okay. Okay.

So I moved to a live.

And I just like was always playing shows.

I didn't, I wasn't signed nothing. And then this manager. Did you work out? Did you ever try to help you? It's not to cut you off.

No, no, no, no, no. You didn't want his help. No, no, no, no.

“And honestly, I, I, I didn't talk to my dad.”

I go for like four or five years without talking my dad. So I got signed. I released my album. Everything, honestly, when I put out my record and people finally started asking out my dad, my dad called me and was like, don't fucking talk about me in the press.

Like, all right. Okay, great. But also it's like, good fucked. I don't care. Like, hey, listen, people have asked me about your fucking ass for years.

And I'm like, you're, you're talking out your ass. And you're, you're talking shit about, about drag and, and fucking, you know, anti gay rights. And it's like, get fucked. I don't know. I've never heard that.

I know. He's, he's just talking to his ass. And I, I want to use this opportunity to say, I disagree. I do not agree with what he says. Yeah.

I believe in all forms of love. And I just believe in anyone finding their happiness and their joy. And whatever way, whatever capacity that is, there are no politics when it comes to love. Absolutely.

And so yeah, I wasn't, he never helped me.

I never wanted his help.

“He also didn't have a very good reputation.”

So I didn't want, that was really it. It wasn't, it wasn't even like, a lot of like, I've got to pay my own way. I was like, I don't want to be associated with him. And I'm going to be integral with saying that. I don't care.

And good reputation hasn't like working with him. Like, he just, not nice. All right. Got some nice. And, and so, and I wanted to be nice.

I, my whole thing is like, I always want people to want to work with me again. And not everyone can say that because I'm not perfect. Yeah. And like, I've fucked up a lot. Like, I learned and we all grow.

Yeah. But my label hasn't dropped me. And I, okay. So I went in. It was Christmas of probably 2014.

I was maybe 22 years old. And I go into an empty office. And it was before Sony bought EMI. And this, this guy named Jacob, and I just went in with my banjo. And I played a song called Good to be a man.

And he signed me right on the spot. So I got a publishing deal. He sent that song to Peter Edge, who's the chairman of RCA. And I'd been kind of talking to some labels. And everyone was sort of like, dicking me around.

And RCA was like the first, I mean, mind you that Elvis. And they had so many bands that like, I really loved.

And they were like always like full steady like always consistent.

Never made me feel like they were dicking me around or anything. Or like weirdly courting me. They were just cool and great. And I felt like they truly believed in me. And for a record.

Yes. Which is very rare. And like even though I found out that like men were getting ten million dollar deals. I, I didn't get a lot of money for mine. But I felt like they believed in me.

And my first album had great success. I mean, it was a great album. Thank you. Exysinos was awesome. And I know that is baby.

Yeah. No, no, no. That was my shit girl. That and mean was mine. My show.

Meena's a great song. Thank you so much. I love that. Well, I, I, I, I, I'm trying to get back to that whole aspect of like just writing. I don't know.

It's hard. Who, I, I think it was Bob Dylan. I don't know who said it, but you have your whole life to write your first album. And then a year to write your next one. And it's just strange.

And I got like a lot of nominations on that first album. I topped a lot of charts. And, and then I kept going and like, it's, it makes me uncomfortable to say. But I'm also very proud to like, I've broken a lot of records.

“And as like, you know, I think back to like, oh, there you should.”

Oh, there you should. Chubby me, like Kelly, like at Fat Camp. Like, and people always saying like, you're, you know, you're not going to ever do anything. It's like, um, you did it on your own, too. Yes, I did it.

You did it. It's like a lot of soft. Yes. And I'm very proud. And like, I want my son to know that.

And like, sometimes I think about like, at what age do I like, tell my son like, sign. Like, don't Google me. Because it's difficult to come up. But I want to find out a mom that speaks for mine and doesn't take shit.

I don't know. That's respectable to me. I don't have a problem with a woman who stands her ground. Yeah, granted, there's a couple of situations that, you know, you've owned up to. Yeah.

But just because your mistakes happen online and in front of people doesn't mean that other people aren't making similar mistakes behind. They just want to fucking grant. Exactly. Exactly. But America loves a comeback story.

And I will do. If I didn't come back out the gate swinging and like with my shit together,

I put a lot of effort, energy, and money into like, this, I have an opportunity. I have an opportunity to show that I've grown, that I am better than ever, that like, that is not. That might be one facet.

Like, my messups are, they are part of me.

And they are part of, ultimately, I feel like I learn more.

I would say like, expensive lessons are like the best to learn. Yeah. Because like, oh, I can't afford to meet that one again. Yeah. And so like, they're a part of her, you know?

Yeah. But like, I can kind of look back in life. And just be like, wow, that was like, oh, so crazy. And it wasn't even that long ago that I was like, I don't want to wake up. I don't want to fucking be here.

Maybe the world is better. Maybe it is better off without me. And like, to think like, now I'm like, wow, that was pretty crazy. And I was like, oh, probably should have eaten that day. You know, and I feel, I feel like it's very much behind me.

And I feel so distance from it. And I feel like I'm not the same person. I'm not. And of dolly can forgive you. Yeah.

The world can forgive you. Totally.

And I, but I also think that like, there's such a massive part of that.

That like helped me get to this, like, point where I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm not putting as much pressure. I was like, I had so much pressure that I was putting on myself. To like, lose all my baby weight. And like, I was like, just, I was going crazy.

I was losing my mind. And I'm like, you know what? I think I'm okay. I don't need to meet anybody standards of mine. I'm healthier than I've ever been.

You look beautiful. Thank you. My brain is good. I'm like, I'm taking like healthy medication. There's nothing wrong with any of the presence.

In fact, they're great for you. Did you? So, did you? You are on medication. Did you?

“Were you taking it for your postpartum or did postpartum?”

No, I was using it to get on them. I was refusing to take any any of the presence because I felt like, there's all these weird things. I don't know if it's OCD or just like obsessive thinking. But like, I really like, I didn't want to get on it.

I don't know if maybe part of it was like, I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to be sleepy. I don't want to feel like I can't create. Because I've tried to take a lot of like any of the presence before my life.

And sometimes they made me feel like I couldn't create or anything. But I also thought that I had to be like high off my fucking mind to like make a record in a month in the studio with my friends. And it's like, that's actually like not conducive. And it's not good for like anyone.

And you're a mom now. And so I find it was like, all right. I reached this point of, give me anything that will make me not feel sad. Give me anything that will make me feel more confident and less anxious because I don't want to feel like this.

And I got to it and I figured it out. And like, I take any presence and I feel great. And like, I feel happy. And I don't know. I just think that like, when you're not being wrong.

No, I just need nothing wrong with that at all.

“In fact, I'm like, you should take therapy.”

And if you might need medicine, you should take it. But I also love Eastern medicine. I love acupuncture. I think a massage goes a long, fucking way.

Talk therapy is incredible.

Even on the computer, you know? And like, I just like where I'm at. Now I'm like, tell me what to do. And when it used to be like, I don't want to fucking hear it. Now like, what works?

Like, you know, like, through this noodle at this wall. And if it sticks, like, I'll take it. Like, that's good. You know, I just want to be happy. And I've learned that like, if I can be the best person for me,

that that actually makes me a better mother for my son. Yeah. Because I can't be doing any of this for anybody else. I have to do it for me because then I can be firm, steady and grounded. And then that like, when my cup is full,

that's when I can give to other people. Yeah. And I'm just noticed that I could be so much more present. And I can, I can just be, I don't know. I wasn't such a bitch to Dan.

And he was like, he started to soften. And like, let's talk about Dan. And like, let's talk about that area of your life. Oh, I love them so much. I don't need light up.

I see light up when you talk about them. You're set father in your mom. You just did this like twinkle in your eye. Family's so important to me. And sometimes it's your chosen family, you know?

You know? Yeah, it's the cheese. I know you're a kind of person. Yeah. I know you're a kind of person.

I know you're a kind of person. I know you're a kind of person. I know you're a kind of person. I know you're a kind of person. I know you're a kind of person.

I know you're a kind of person. I know you're a kind of person. I know you're a kind of person. Yeah, she said, yes, some got his test done. [speaking in foreign language]

Amen. I got my chosen family. I jay, Bailey, those were my chosen family.

“I like, I just, I don't know what I would do without them, you know?”

They're like, they just become like our sturdy rock. And I think I was, I've been really selfish a lot in my life

But I didn't want to make a lot of the same mistakes

that I grew up seeing. And so again, this thing that happened in January, it just changed me. And I faced a lot of stuff from my childhood that I felt like I could put to bed.

And now I'm starting to, I've been given this opportunity to meet me where I'm at now and start working on these issues in my adult life and all my unhealthy things. And like, you're only sick as your secrets, right?

“And so I'm like, you have to tell in yourself”

and you have to be honest and truthful. And like I said before, like, I started to treat Dan how I would just hope that he would treat me. Because we were, you know, fighting pretty bad and neither of us, you can't be heard

if you're not listening. And so our communication was really not in a great way. We were like speaking different languages and it was all rooted from a place of fear and all rooted from a place of hurt.

Right, person around time. Yeah. And then once we started to like, hey, we can't talk to you like this. Like this is not okay.

Lucky can't be around this. And we just started to respect each other and I think maybe there is some of that missing even in our prior relationship. And so this doesn't feel like we got back together.

He kept saying, like, it's a new relationship, like, we have to take it slow. And I was like, let's get fucking buried. Just give me a big help. And he's like, I want to take it slow.

Like we owe it to ourselves and I'm listening to him and like, I want him to be, you know, like, I want him to feel like a man

“and a strong man and I think as someone who's a performer”

and someone who's like, you know, I don't really can, like, think of myself as like a famous person but I am, you know? And you've earned it. You've earned it.

You've earned it. You've earned it. You've earned it. But I know that it can, it can be like, an amasculating thing to date, like,

or be partnered with someone who's like a strong female, especially one, like, I've got a reputation. It's like, oh, she's a badass. And she fucking can really go toe to toe with the boys

and like, well, that's all true. I also, I want to be like a soft feminine, like wife and like loving partner and also have to be loved. You love me.

Yes. Love me for both. And he does. And I need to love him and I need to celebrate his masculine

and I also need to totally celebrate my favorite part, which is his soft silly sweet because our, our, like, funny, neck tattooed guys are usually the sweetest teddy bears. Yes.

Absolutely.

“And that's what we love because we're tough as chicks, right?”

Well, I had to learn that with Jay, you know, because I came into the situation with just so much baggage. And I mean, I was like, a fucking, just like, just a force to be reckoned with.

And I came in and I just was so used to amasculating every man that I had ever been with. I make the money. Don't fuck, you know, don't fuck.

I'm gonna fight, you know, and I finally,

I don't think it's said enough as couples, especially when you are having communication issues. To be able to sit down and look at each other and say, hey, we can't talk to each other like that. That changes everything.

Yeah. And my husband and I had to sit down and do that. And we've had the best relationship sense. Communication is key comprehension as vital. Yeah.

And it's like you literally have to be in, you are fighting dragons with this person every day. That is your fucking teammate, your fucking co-conspirator. You guys are literally slaying this thing called life together. And you guys have to be on the same page.

If not, that ship is not gonna sail. And it's a choice. I've struggled with like, okay, how do people get married? Like, what is it? How do you like really know?

And like, do you just pick? Do you just choose? Because that's where like, when you're, when you're just talking about that, I'm like, "Hey, you know, every work." Because like, you know, I think, I don't think Dan would be upset

from, like, with me saying, like, you know, we're doing couples therapy and like, they're trying everything. Yeah, I have done so much therapy. I just had therapy appointment before you came in.

Right. But that's beautiful. And like, it's, it makes your bond stronger. And like, honestly, we, I asked him. It was like such divine timing.

This, this therapist who basically like kicked us out.

Because I asked if you would go to a couple therapy with me. And we got into like a big fight. That's how we did Jana. Because he, like, this booty girl on Instagram. And I was mad.

And so we walked in. We sat, like, there was a bit of an ocean between us. And we were fighting. And she was like, I don't think that I can continue to see you guys of a.

But then she emailed me. And we weren't, we weren't together. But we were, like, in a really great flow of things. So hi, I just wanted to let you know that like, I'm starting to take new patients again. And I didn't know where you guys were at in your journey.

And I was like, oh, wow. We're actually doing really, really well.

“And I asked him, I was like, hey, like, do you think you want to like go to like couples therapy?”

And he was like, yeah. And I said, like, just as fun. Like, just so we can help like our communication. He was like, yeah, I think I was like that. A lot.

And then like a week later, we were like, back together. And all you guys needed was a conversation. Like a conversation of two people actually went to listen to each other. Yeah, can change so much. And it's, it's really, really crazy what happens when you put down the receipts.

And you put down the swords. And you don't.

And you just like, take a second.

Like, that's not my strong suit. It is not my strong suit. I'm, I was made to fight. I grew up in a yelling family. That's just how we communicated.

And it wasn't even like nobody wins in that. Not even the loudest person. Everyone just is like in fight or fight and shaking with adrenaline. So looking like it's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy.

It's not good. And I think we both like grew up with a lot of that because that's no one told anybody. No one told anyone that's wrong until recently. Now, everyone tells you that you're wrong for anything that you do. Oh, yeah.

And sometimes I'm kind of like, all right, enough. Yeah. Of course. But definitely the speaking software to each other. We don't yell in our house.

“I think I've yelled at our daughter one time and she really deserved it.”

Yeah. Like, I just, we don't, because I grew up in a screaming household also. Yeah. So I can't, if you start yelling at me, I'm automatically shutting you out. Yeah.

Like, I can't listen to it. But I also think about it. Like, even going back to like, not toxic people. But like, you know, who does win an argument? The calmest motherfucker.

Mm-hmm. Because they'll piss you off even more. Yeah. Because they'll get you. I'm like, what the fuck did you do?

Yeah. And he, like, teacher, like, I just think about, like, principles. So we're like, talk like this. I'm like, you fucking asshole. Yeah.

But like, that's how I want to be. But I also want to be levels to get to that. Yes. And I'm not there. I'm like, I'm like, maybe another one.

I'm not there. I'm like, maybe another one. I'm not there. I'm like, maybe another one. I'm not there.

I'm not there. I'm like, maybe another one. I'm not there. I'm like, maybe another one. I'm not there.

I'm like, maybe another one. I'll let him sit. I'll keep that tradition to my family. My mom said, you get arrested. I'll let you sit in there.

But I've never been arrested.

Yeah. I know shocker. Good. I thought it was awesome. I've been arrested.

That's crazy. How have you never got arrested? I know. I've been handcuffed twice. But like, I'm very smooth of my words.

I love that. You may have caught the same way. He can get out of handcuffs at any time. I'm like, you love the fucker. It's very true.

He is. He is so fucking charming. I'm like, I hate you. He can get out of speeding tickets. I get them all.

No. It doesn't matter. And you would think it would be opposite. Because they always say, oh, cops get let pretty girls off. You're saying I'm pretty, but you know, just saying it.

Just saying that it's like a myth. You know, my husband gets off on every ticket. They fucking stick it to me. Every fucking time. I only got one speeding ticket.

Also shocker. I know. And it was in my hometown. I gave her the gave it to you. I know.

She goes, I know who you are. Oh, was she still have to give you this ticket? I was like, damn it. And then she came to the show.

She even commented because I like took a video because I was like, man, I never get

put over. And I took a video of like, oh, she commented on it. She was like, I was going to give you a ticket. But we loved you. Show me my girls.

I was like, $85. I love that. That is so funny. So what's happening now with L. You are on your redemption.

Yeah. Your baby. What's the, what's the, what's the call baby. Ask the baby daddy's weekend tour. Baby daddy's weekend.

And I am, just like, lots of music. I'm about to finish my album. I have a lot of music coming out. I'm really, really excited about it. And it's, it's, I always say like this album is the most me.

“But like, I think anything that I'm working on is like where I'm at in my life.”

And I'm very proud of the music that I'm making. And I started making a lot of it before I like had a nervous breakdown this year. And it's bringing me back to life. Just like creating again and like having these like seeds planted. And then making this beautiful album.

So it's definitely going to be a little different than my last three albums. But I don't think that even though all my records have sound, They all sound like me. I don't think any of them have sounded like exactly the same. But like my music is a representation of where I'm at my life.

And what is it more like? It's a country. It's a country album. But it's really beautiful. And it's, it's what country is to me.

And everything that I've kind of learned in the country world.

Like, I don't play every song from every album at every show. But there's a lot of songs on this album that like I'll play for the rest of my life. And that makes me really proud and excited. And I'm also sitting on an album that I made when I was pregnant before I went to country. And I'm, like, drunk and I don't want to go home.

I wrote eight years before it ever came out. And so that song taught me so much about the life of music.

And so I'm also sitting on an album that's like really, really incredible.

And I'm just waiting for the right time for that to come out. Because it's probably, you know, the best album I've ever made. And drop that shit. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know.

“I think after this, this big, um, that big eclipse, right?”

Yeah. Yeah. Everything is supposed to be like all the seeds that we've planted. I don't know if it's the same for every star sign. Mm-hmm.

But like a lot of things are coming to fruition from like the last eight years. Yeah. And so everything that I've been really, really working on is all coming to a head in a good way. And I think it's the same. If you believe in that and if you believe in yourself and, and if you are manifesting these good things that you're putting out in the universe,

it makes so much sense if you're into, you know, astrology or astronomy or anything like that. Like how all this stuff can be coming even even the crazy lessons that like I've learned this year. Like I feel like all these things are leading me to these manifestations of things that I've been maybe too afraid to try. Mm-hmm. And like when I was thinking about doing, uh, like, I want to be cool man to be a bad guy in a movie.

I did a movie.

I just did like my first like actual, like, really, really cool movie.

Yeah. And it's all things like you just have to try and continue to put yourself out there and like, it's not the first movie that I've ever done. But this is the first time that like, I really prepared. I worked so hard to get it. Yeah.

And like all these things that all these good things that are like, hey, wouldn't that be cool? And just thinking about it and like putting it out and like dreaming about it. Like that's manifesting. Yeah. That's pulling it.

That's inviting it. And I was thinking about it already yours. Yes. And I say you have to make room in your life for greatness and like, you have to clear things out. You have to like cut things off.

“And that's how like, you know, like you have to clip like buds on roses sometimes.”

But that's how more roses are. I'm not a great gardener, but I do have some roses. That's been on. I'm manifesting to learn how to fucking garden. It's hard.

I know. I can't even fucking save a sunflower from the grocery store. Listen, I've tried twice. I've tried to like mulch and put I'm trying to like, because what? Like the your house is a representation of your mind.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's like my house looks like shit. So I tried to garden and now all the grass is growing up through the mulch. And there's like, oh my god.

So I need landscapers. It's so hard. Yeah. You have to have people help you. I know.

I know. I really try to fight the stubbornness. Yeah. You can't do it all. Yeah.

“I think your lesson this year is you can't do it all day.”

It's for help. Yeah. Well, allow people to help you, baby. You need just I get a fucking landscape. Yeah.

Okay. I'll make you hell better. Okay. Well, thank you so much for this conversation. It was so sweet.

And I can't wait to have you back. And I can't wait to see this tour. I can't wait for people to hear this podcast. I really feel it's going to touch a lot of their hearts. And they get to just see a glimpse inside of you.

And I just I love it. You're so beautiful.

And you spread so much amazing positivity.

And I just I appreciate you. Thank you for having me on. I love you so much money. You're amazing. We're going to make out after this.

Don't tell Dan. Don't tell Dan. Don't tell Dan. Like what's up my mom? Shut up mom.

Shut up mom. We love you. Thank you guys for tuning into another episode of DunBlond. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.