Do You Feel Loved?

Hidden Brain is now on YouTube.

“We just dropped an episode exploring the strategy that can help us to solve problems and save time,”

but it's a strategy almost all of us overlook. I hope you'll check it out. You can find us at youtube.com/@hiddenbrain, or just follow the link in today's show notes. Okay, here's today's show. [Music]

This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedanta. In Shakespeare's play, The Merchant of Venice, Porsche is a beautiful wealthy woman, and she is looking for the right man to marry. Her father has decreed that a successful suitor must pass a test. Each of Porsche's admirers is presented with three caskets, made of gold, silver and lead.

Porsche's portrait is inside one. Suiters have to pick the right casket. The gold casket is inscribed with the words, who choose it for me shall gain what many men desire. The prince of Morocco selects it, and discovers it's the wrong choice.

On the silver casket, other words, who choose it for me shall get as much as he deserves. The prince of Argonne opts for this casket. He too loses out.

Finally, the noble Basania takes a turn.

He picks the lead casket, which bears the sobering warning, who chooses for me must give and hazard all he had. It turns out to be the right choice. Exactly, Basania gets to marry Porsche. In Shakespeare's time, tests like these may have seemed odd, but charming.

But if you set up tests of devotion like this today, it would strike your suitors as puzzling, even preposterous. But that doesn't mean many of us don't devise our own tests of love. We hold off texting someone we met, hoping they will reach out first. We hope hints about what we want for a birthday present to see if our partner notices.

We act distant in the hope it will prompt another person to come closer. Just like the tests in the motion of Venice, our tests of love can easily be seen as manipulation. If finding love is about connection and intimacy, tests create distance and suspicion.

“What is the hunger inside us that drives us to test the devotion of others?”

What are we really looking for when we hope our partner selects the ideal anniversary gift? What do we really want when we dream of the perfect proposal? New psychological research suggests that many of us do not really understand our own needs. How surprising can it be that we reach for the wrong strategies? What we truly want from our intimate relationships?

And how to get it? This week on Hidden Brain. We all want to be loved. It's one of our deepest longings, a need so fundamental that we are willing to twist ourselves and not satisfy it. Yet psychologists say that many of the strategies we rely on to obtain love are either ineffective or counterproductive.

Instead of bringing us closer to the warmth we seek, we often end up pushing it away. At the University of California Riverside, psychologists Sonya Lubomirski studies what we do to feel loved and what we ought to be doing. Sonya Lubomirski, welcome to Hidden Brain. Such a pleasure to be here.

Sonya, you're a fan of the TV program Couple Therapy.

“I haven't watched the show, can you describe it for me and tell me about some of the patterns you've noticed?”

Such a great show, right? So these are real couples in New York. They kind of forget that they're on camera and they have major problems, they're all very diverse. And I just feel like over the years so much resentment and so much disappointment has built up. It's very hard for me.

Show, it actually makes me feel very smart because you hear them talking and it's like the wife is saying, oh, you never bring me to the gym.

You don't do this, you don't do this with a husband saying, oh, you haven't done this for me. And then you see like the fighting fighting over here on this level, but really underneath it, it seems so obvious that they don't feel loved.

She doesn't feel like, but I really feel like at the heart of a lot of problems in relationships or even breakups.

It's a lack of feeling, no matter what the other person does, you still don't feel loved by them. I understand so near that you've recently separated and not long ago you went on a date with a man who tried to win your affections. I spoke a lot about his car. It was really funny, so he had just bought this really brand new high end like the highest end Tesla. And so the whole ride to the restaurant we're going to.

He was showing off the car and it was actually really cool like he's showing off all these features of the Tesla.

It was like all this self driving stuff and like really cool cool features that I had not seen before and I enjoyed it. And at the end of the drive, I said, you know, I'll just call him Patrick, not his real name. I said, I said, Patrick, you've persuaded me. I'm going to date your Tesla, like I'm impressed. And he actually, he's a funny guy. He actually said, well, you know, in a few years, you probably can. But he was trying to impress me the whole time with how great his car was.

“And did you think he noticed that he was doing so? Do you think he was doing so consciously deliberately had he given some thought to this?”

You know, maybe after thinking about it, he might have been aware of it. But he's a smart guy. I feel like he should have been aware of it.

But I feel like it's so human. It's such a part of our human nature to want to impress others, right? It's a evolutionarily adaptive for us to impress a new potential date or a new business partner or a new friend. And so when we talk to each other, especially towards the beginning of relationships, we want the other person to think that we're kind and interesting and intelligent and funny. And we might succeed in impressing the other person. But what it doesn't do is it doesn't really forge a connection, right?

So you don't really leave that interaction feeling like, ah, I really am connected with that person. I understand that another day turned into a full-flat relationship, but this one had something of a fatal flaw. Tell me what happened. I had a relationship with someone who really did love me, who I knew loved me, but I actually broke it off and it's going to sound almost crazy about what the main reason was that I broke it off. And the main reason was he just didn't text me like often enough for kind of speedily enough, you know, he took so long to respond to my messages.

“You know, I often think that the texting is like the currency of modern relationships, right? That's what a lot of us are doing in relationship to texting.”

And I realized later, it's just the lack of texting that lack of responsiveness did not make me feel loved and that was at the heart of it. What did you hear when he did not text you quickly enough, Sonia? What went through your head? It's like, I don't care enough. Yeah, like the worst, the worst interpretation is like something like, I don't care enough about your feelings. Like I know you're waiting. And it's like this thing, this idea, these like, if you really loved me, you would care, you would know how important it is to respond right away and you still are not doing it.

And so that's what's going on in my head. Did you have a breakup conversation where you actually told in the reason you were breaking up with him? Yes, and we actually would have had that texting conversation repeatedly before the breakup. And you know, he would apologize and he would sort of do better for a little while. And he would explain all the ways that he did show love to me, just not in not through texting.

And just in the end, I just wasn't enough.

“One last story, Sonia, you have four kids. The oldest of whom is in her 20s. You've seen the same patterns we've been discussing when it comes to your relationships with your kids. Can you see more?”

So I realized one day that I just wasn't feeling as loved as I wanted to by my adult daughter. She doesn't sort of share that much with me. And I just realized that I just wasn't feeling as loved as I wanted to be. I think it's a fairly common situation. I'm wondering how this perception came about when you felt like you were not being loved by your oldest daughter, what was she doing specifically that made you feel this way or what was she not doing that made you feel this way?

So I was sort of focused on what she was not doing enough or thinking like what what should I be doing to try to get her to be more responsive to me kind of what was wrong with me that that I wasn't feeling this love coming from her. In some ways, it's a variation of what happened with the guy who was in texting back quickly enough. It was sort of a lack of responsiveness in some ways that you were perceiving as a lack of a lack of love.

Yeah, that's exactly right. It's so interesting, you know, because we often don't feel loved for a variety of reasons.

The person really, really does love us and they might even show love in different ways, but it somehow isn't registering with us for a variety of reasons. Maybe because that's not called our love language or maybe because we don't we don't sort of even see it or we don't think of it as being very, very authentic or we don't think it doesn't apply to us. So it's it's very interesting problem. Whether it's our children, our friends or our partners, what we want most from relationships is to feel cared for and appreciate it, to feel loved.

But achieving this is much harder than it looks.

When we come back, how we go about trying to feel loved in all the wrong ways. You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedanta.

We all want to be loved. We want to feel cared for and appreciated by our friends and by our partners. We want our parents and our kids to tell us how much we mean to them. But many of us walk around with what you might call a love deficit. Psychologists Sonia Lubomersky says we don't realize there's a difference between being loved and feeling loved.

“Sonia, let's start there. I think most of us assume that being loved and feeling loved are the same thing. Aren't they?”

I think often they are. But I think that the interesting case for me as a psychologist are the times when we are loved, but we don't feel loved. And it could be that we're not even seeing the whatever the other person is doing to make us feel loved. We're not perceiving it. We're not somehow taking it in. We're not internalizing it. The love is a big felt. How common do you think it is? This discrepancy between being loved and feeling loved. Do you think it happens a lot? You know, Harry Reese, my co-author and I did a survey where we asked people, are there relationships in your life that you sometimes don't feel as loved as you would like to be?

“You know, or as frequently as you'd like to be. And something I think like the 70% said that yes, there's at least one relationship.”

I don't feel as loved as I want to be. I actually think that number is an understatement. You know, I actually think it's a lot higher than that. But 70% is a lot, you know, and so maybe it's your colleague, it's your romantic partner, your mom, your child, you know, your friend. I think it's very common. People also told you in the survey this is a large survey with almost 2,000 individuals that they didn't feel loved by their communities. I asked the intimate relationships and people's lives. It was the larger social settings that they found themselves in.

“Absolutely. You know, this lack of feeling, you can also call it lack of feeling of belonging, which I think is very much related to feeling loved loneliness is very much related.”

You can argue that being lonely really is basically not feeling loved by your community friends.

You know, so people argue this is an epidemic, but this really raises an important point, which is that most people, when they think of love, they think of romantic love or passionate love, they think of love between romantic partners, but, you know, there's love in the workplace. And by the way, I think the word love is not used often enough at work, you know, things should bring it back to the workplace. You know, it's not used as neighbors. My friends and I often tell it, say, I love you to each other. And so people are confused, like, I'll be on the phone and I'll say, I love you so much. And I hang up the phone and my kids are like, "Who are you talking to?"

And I'm like, "That's my friend." Because I love my friends very much, so we define love very broadly. One of the areas that had the largest gaps between being loved and feeling loved was romantic relationships. So there are lots of people in romantic relationships.

Exactly right. It is very common to not feel at least, I mean, maybe even during a period of time during a romantic relationship, and maybe in a particular domain of that relationship, maybe external activities you do together that you sort of don't feel loved by your partner, maybe when they, they don't do chores in the house, you don't feel loved by them or they don't respond to your text, you don't feel loved by them. So I do think it's extremely common.

“You asked respondents to describe moments when they did not feel loved. Can you give me some of the examples that they shared with you, Sonia?”

Often it's not being invited. Actually, that was a very common one, not being invited to something sort of not being included to, you know, a social event.

Not not remembering something important to you, you know, I think feeling loved comes is very highly related to sort of feeling understood. And so when people feel like, I'm not really seen, I'm not interested that this person never asked me about, you know, this passion of mine, forgetting, forgetting a birthday, you know, often it's those kinds of events that really like drive it home, like I don't feel loved. I know also when people were suffering or sick, I mean, you really want people to check in on you when you're suffering or sick and some people reported that wasn't happening.

Exactly. So like the kind of like the time that you really really need to, that's when you sort of learn who your two friends are, is when during periods of sort of illness or adversity, like who are the people who are coming in and helping you and bringing you food or driving you to the airport or to the doctor's office. Yeah, so those are kind of events that that really sort of as a set kind of illuminate or telling, but not feeling loved can come in any kind of moments during the day, so it doesn't have to be only during sort of important events of our lives.

You found that the ways people go about trying to feel more loved are often misguided and sometimes counterproductive. One thing we do is try and manage or manipulate the other person into saying or doing what we want them to do. I want to play you a clip from the movie The Breakup, Jennifer Aniston plays a woman named Brooke and Brooke is involved with Gary played by Vince Vaughn. Now in this scene, Brooke talks to Gary as he plays a car themed video game. Do the dishes. Cool.

It'd be nice if you helped me.

No problem. You get a little bit late. I'm just going to get this street set for a little bit. Gary come on. I don't want to do them later. Let's just do them now. Take 15 minutes.

“I am so exhausted. I just honestly want to relax for a little bit if I could just sit here and we will clean the dishes tomorrow.”

You know, I don't like waking up to a dirty kitchen. All right. I care. I'd busted my ass all day cleaning this house and then cooking that meal and I work today. It would be nice if you said thank you and helped me with the dishes. Fine. I'll help you do the damn dishes. Come on. You know what? No. Let's see. That's not what I want. You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes.

I want you to want to do the dishes. Why would I want to do dishes? Why? See, that's my whole point.

So, yeah. Why do you hear what you listen to that exchange? First of all, I've so been in that situation.

“Mostly it's broke, but I think I'm baby on both sides.”

This is so similar to that show couple's therapy except this fiction. So it's like broke is not feeling loved because he's not seeing her. He's not seeing how important it is for her to sort of get the dishes done. And so then they can really go about their evening and then it's a her. It just seems like this is so easy. It's just 15 minutes of your time. She's like, she's not feeling loved by by his response. And of course, what broke is really asking in this case is actually not help with the dishes. She's actually asking for something else altogether.

She's asking really to be seen and heard. She needs him to kind of, yes, make her feel loved. As she memorably says, she doesn't want him to do the dishes. She wants him to want to do the dishes. And I've told him that's a situation. Well, it's complain like why and and and like my husband used to say and he's like, look, I'm helping you do the dishes like literally with the dishes like I'm doing it like I don't need to be happy doing it with his response and I'm like, no, but I want you to be happy doing it.

Which is really the same kind of thing. Another way that we go about trying to make others love us is by making ourselves as physically attractive as possible. We think that looking good will win us the love that we seek talk about this strategy and whether it's effective. Right. And I like to broaden it, not just physically attractive as some other characteristics, what we think like if only I were more physically attractive than I'd be more loved if only I were more successful.

If only I had those things, I would feel more loved or I would get more love and then we try to show that off, right, sort of broadcast those positive qualities and and you know, and it doesn't work.

“It might work to impress a person, but it doesn't work to actually make us feel more love.”

And if you're kind of broadcasting this, you know, if you're just it's all about physically attractiveness for you or about your accomplishments, it doesn't really show the person you're kind of true self. You know, if you will, it's just showing them the sort of outside little positive shiny part that isn't really you. And this is the guy who's telling you all about his Tesla car. Exactly. And actually add another date where the guy just went on and on and he's a story. He's actually a storyteller by his right profession.

So he's a great storyteller and he went on and on telling all these funny stories. And after 45 minutes, and it impressed me, it didn't press me. I thought, oh, he's funny. He's smart. He's charming. He's witty. I did think that was true, but I really didn't feel a connection with him. And after 45 minutes, I stopped him and I said, do you realize that for the last 45 minutes, you have not asked me a single question. I remember one of our previous guests on Hidden Brain talked about how we, you know, we know about IQ and some of us know about EQ, which is, you know, emotional intelligence.

“But it's also what they call ZQ, which is the person who has zero questions. And so, how where are you on the ZQ scale? Are you somebody who has zero questions or a lot?”

Well, I think question asking is one of the most sort of underestimated social skills. In fact, I tell my kids, you know, like if you want to make friends ask people questions about themselves, especially questions that about things that they, you know, that their friends care about. And so, and in fact, Nick Epile who is a professor at University of Chicago has done these studies that show that people think that, like, if they ask personal questions that they are going to be perceived as kind of intrusive or too pro big, too personal, but actually on average, we crave to be asked, like, we want to be asked about our lives, our inner lives, you know, what we really think about something, what our childhood was like.

So, not only do we try and present ourselves as very beautiful or try and, you know, talk about accomplishments or our skills or our talents, we also go to some lengths to hide parts of ourselves that are unappealing or might be unlovable. Talk about this strategy, we often hide our blemishes in order to, to feel more loved, but does that work?

“Right, because we think that that person wouldn't love me anymore if they kind of knew about this weakness of mine, this fault of mine, oh, this bad deed that I made.”

And, you know, we're not always wrong, right? I mean, sometimes people really do just like others for certain traits or behaviors, but we do it, we sort of overdo it, we do it too much.

And one of the keys to feeling loved is being known to the other, and if you're hiding, you know, your vulnerabilities, your contradictions, you're sort of messy insights from the other person. You won't feel loved because you'll always wonder if they really knew me, then they wouldn't love me. And it turns out that when we disclose or show some of those contradictions or blemishes, at the right pace, right, we don't sort of dump them all at once, when the person already knows us a little bit, we often actually better like, you know, there's this famous case when JFK after the Bay of Pigs admitted to making a mistake and his approval ratings shot up.

So sometimes of admitting failures can actually increase people's liking of us. And of course, it's interposed on setting Sonya, you know, I want you to like me, not just for my accomplishments and my talents, but I need the love in the places where I'm actually vulnerable. And if I'm not actually sharing the places where I'm vulnerable or where I have blemishes, then as you say, all I experience is that you're admiring me for my talents and my qualities, not for what, you know, what makes me me. So you feel admired, you feel, yeah, like, you're impressed, you're impressed at the other person, but you don't actually feel loved me.

You think about the definition of unconditional love, I mean, that's basically what unconditional love is is that we're loved despite or our blemishes and some of our flaws.

Talk about the idea that a lot of what we're doing when we are engaged in relationships really falls under the realm of performance rather than connection,

Yeah, it's performance. And, you know, it's very human, you know, we all do it and maybe that's part of the kind of social lubricant that there's part of a conversation.

“But really, by the way, and I think conversations are really the key to feeling loved, you know, when you think about a relationship is really a series of conversations.”

So changing those conversations is the key to make them a little bit less performative and more about like deeper connection, really having deeper conversations. It's really the deeper conversations that make you make the other person feel of what I show genuine interest in you, Shankar, and ask you about, you know, maybe something has anything been worrying you, you know, the last few weeks. What's been on your mind, you know, what's, you know, tell me about a relationship, a family member that you are worried about or that you're really happy about, you know, those are the kinds of questions that make us feel more connected to each other, you know, not just trying to impress each other.

I think what role social media might play in these habits and preferences, Sonia, because now increasingly, you know, people talk to one another across these digital mediums and they're presenting a face to other people.

You're presenting yourself, I'm someone who likes this kind of music, I'm someone who basically goes on these kinds of vacations, I'm someone who wears these kinds of clothes.

And I would imagine that in some ways social media is amplifying our drive to perform. Absolutely, absolutely, people are posting sort of their most positive positive moments in their lives, right? This is me on my vacation looking really great.

“They're not posting so much about the sort of the fullness of their life, right?”

But feeling loved requires really kind of a dance, and I'd like to think of it in terms of two people talking, although it could be more than two people, but just easier to think about a diet. Where you're really reading the room, you're really reading the other person, and sort of asking them just the right level of deep question, where they feel like they're really seen and heard, where I, and I'm showing them, I really care, you can't do that on social media. You know, it doesn't come off, you know, so that's why like, if a friend shares a really funny joke on social media, you know, I might appreciate it, but I really appreciate it, is they email me or they text me with that joke, because I feel like they are, you know, they're thinking about me.

They're thinking about me, they think that I would really appreciate that, and that that forges a connection between us.

Dropping hands and fishing for compliments, trying to look good and appear impressive, striving to present a polished and perfect image, we think that strategies will bring us the love we seek. When they don't, we double down, we try to come across as even more perfect, be ever more impressive, hide the tiniest flaws. When we come back, how do feel loved for real? You're listening to Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedant. This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedantar.

Have you experienced moments in your life when you felt unloved? Did you feel that way, even when you were around people who are ostensibly loved you? What was it specifically, that made you feel uncared for? If you have a personal story, you'd be willing to share with the Hidden Brain audience, please find a very quiet room and record a voice memo on your phone. 2 or 3 minutes is plenty, email it to us at [email protected] using the subject line "Feeling loved".

Again, that's [email protected].

“Psychologists, Sonja Lubimerski and Harry Rees are the authors of how to feel loved, the five mindsets that get you more of what matters most.”

Sonja, we've been talking about the strategies people deploy when they're trying to feel cared for by others, we try to make ourselves more beautiful or more accomplished or flawless, and these approaches are based on the idea that in order to be loved, we have to become more lovable. You say that this usually doesn't work, instead we are more likely to arrive at a state of feeling loved by creating the right relational conditions. What do you mean by this? What I mean by this is that we think that to feel more loved, we need to change ourselves, sort of make ourselves more lovable, and also show how lovable we are hide our blemishes.

Or maybe we change the other person, maybe we try to get them to love us more to somehow see our positive qualities more. But actually, it's good news, the conclusion that Harry and I Reeaches is actually good news, which is that you don't have to change yourself.

And a relationship again is like a series of conversations, and it's a lot less overwhelming to think about it that way.

“And actually another huge insight that we had writing the book is that if I want to make myself feel loved, the first step is try to make the other person feel loved.”

That's really what comes first.

And it's counterintuitive because we think like we're focusing ourselves, it's very, it's evolutionarily adapted for us when there's a problem to focus on ourselves, figure out what's wrong. But here's a situation where really the focus needs to be on the other person's to get the other person to feel loved by getting to know them better. So let's unpack some of these things, but let's start with the basic idea. You argue that by demonstrating interest in others, that is one way in some ways of eliciting interest from others.

“So there is a norm of reciprocity that is at work here.”

Exactly. And reciprocity norm, reciprocity principle is really one of the strongest principles of human social behavior. It's very, very powerful. This is why if I want you to do me a favor, you know, I do you a favor, it's very, very hard for us not to reciprocate not to return the favor. And so we're talking here in the context of conversation that when I show genuine curiosity to you, Shankar and I really listen to your answers and I'm asking you questions that are the show that I'm listening to take.

Take what you said may be to a new level.

It's going to be very compelling for you to return that favor into sort of direct that attention back to me. And then ask me questions about my life, my inner life, and listen to me. And so it's kind of it's a dance or sort of a dynamic that goes back and forth. Now, of course, a lot of people I'm going to say, you know, Sonia and Harry are telling me that it precisely the point that I feel unloved. Precisely the point that I feel like this other person is is dropping the ball, they are telling me I need to pay attention to that person instead of demanding that that person pay attention to me.

You and Harry came up with a metaphor to explain your idea that you called the relationship seesaw.

First explain the term seesaw. You have an interesting spelling for the term and how this metaphor works.

Yes, but I want to also, I'm going to do that, but I also want to validate that yes, it is it seems so counterintuitive kind of at a at the lowest point. Where you really want to feel loved to sort of advise people to show interest in the other person, but it's exactly what is needed. And to really ask the person why is it that they are responding the way they are, you know, it's showing curiosity in them. And by the way, and I do also want to add a caveat, which is that once in a while it's not going to work. It's going to fail. The other person is not going to respond.

They're not going to reciprocate that is going to happen once in a while.

“And maybe that means that you need to walk away or you need to pause or you need to try something different or you accept the fact that that's how it's going to be.”

And so I don't want to I'm not a polyena and I don't think that it's going to work 100% of the time, but I think it's very, very powerful what we're talking about. So the seesaw we spell see like the like underwater. And the reason we spell out this way is this idea that there's a seesaw underwater and we sort of partially submerge and sort of say you and I are sitting on opposite end of the seesaw. Most of us are submerged, but maybe that the top of our heads or the top of ourselves are showing. And that's what's going on in most of the world. Like we're showing just like a little tip of ourselves to one another, just kind of maybe the shiny parts.

Maybe the positive qualities right most of us like it's kind of the iceberg right it's under the water. We're not really showing to each other. And the idea is that again, we're sitting on the seesaw and then when I show genuine curiosity and interesting you and I ask you a question. What has been on your mind lately and I show warmth and acceptance, you feel a sense of warmth and trust and safety and it says though I'm pressing down on the seesaw and it lifts you up a little bit. So you're able to show a little bit more of yourself to me right you're able to reveal a little bit more of your inner self a little more of your full self maybe some vulnerabilities.

And then as you do that as you talk about maybe your childhood and how difficult it was I listen really well to you. I'm really listening. I'm asking questions and that makes you even more you know feeling even more safe and trusting and even more comfortable. You know sort of lifting more of yourself out of the water and then that's that there's a precaution happens right and then you ideally then reciprocate and then show interesting curiosity in myself and lift me out of the water. So it's kind of a process of I lift you and then you lift me and it's lifting and being lifted.

But of course if you think about the natural movement of a seesaw yes it goes up on one side but then it goes up on the other side and that's what happens it goes back and forth. When you show genuine interest and want the listening towards the other person it helps them be comfortable and helps them open up it helps us to know each other better and then they reciprocate.

And your book you describe a very talented listener named Marco. Tell me what Marco does and how it really shows the power of listening in helping the other person raise themselves out of the ocean.

So Marco was the best listener I've ever met in my life and I don't know how he became such a great listener if it's just like genetic. I do think we can learn to be better listeners. But you also had a great memory too so most of us listen to respond right so we're kind of like while we're listening ostensibly we're really rehearsing what we're going to say next right right and we're kind of waiting for the mic to be given back to us.

“So this guy Marco was not doing this like he was listening to learn you know and listening to learn is like listening like there's going to be a quiz tomorrow right and you would remember everything you would say.”

Oh Sonya remember that time you were telling me about your you know your mom and this happened and you were wearing a red that red dress and you're sitting over there it's so incredibly compelling right because you feel like wow he really cares about me like he's very thoughtful.

He's paying attention right. By the way, well, I don't have the kind of memory so we're we can't remember the red dress. It doesn't mean that we're not a good person.

Yeah, but this guy really was a prodigy at listening. You know, I can't remember who told us the story but someone told us the story on hidden brain some time ago about former president Bill Clinton who famously was able to make every person in a room feel like you know they had his full attention.

“But they told us this wonderful story about Clinton when he was governor of Arkansas visiting I think a middle school and talking to the various kids there and asking what do you want to be when you grow up and one of the kids.”

You know who was a little cheeky said I want to be you when I grow up and this is a middle schooler and so everyone has a good laugh and then Clinton.

You know, leaves the governorship of Arkansas he becomes president of the United States and at one point he goes back to the South during a natural disaster and their thousands of people who are waiting to see him and he there's a role-playing with like and he's greeting thousands of people and shaking hands and after doing two hours of this he's at an intersection and he looks over the intersection three rows back and he reaches out and shakes this guy's hand who's now. So 10 years older than he was in middle school and Clinton asks him do you still want to be me.

That is such a moving story. I love that story so much and and I've heard that too right like he'll remember like your cousins wedding happened and how did that go and and you know if we most of us don't have that kind of memory so we don't feel I don't think we need to feel bad if we don't but charismatic people like Bill Clinton and he's really like a prodigy. You feel like you're the only person in the room like you're the only person in the world when you're talking to them. You know, there's a story and again, I mean, I've even get it right and it may be a powerful bit of a story about when gladstone was running for Prime Minister against disarrayally and a woman sat next to each of them and sort of consecutive fundraising nights and after she said next to gladstone.

She was asked how was your dinner and she said, oh, it was such a lovely dinner. I had such a lovely time I had with him. He's just the cleverest man in all of England. And then the next night she sits next to disarrayally and the same question and they ask her how was your night and she said, oh, that was such a wonderful time with him. I feel like I'm the cleverest woman in all of England. Right. And that is exactly what Bill Clinton and charismatic people do. They instead of making them feel good about themselves. They make you feel good about yourself.

“And again, it's curiosity listening to ask you questions about yourself and they draw out your your wit or your kindness or your interestingness, your intelligence. That's the key.”

You also say it's important to genuinely keep our hearts open to the other person. In other words, it's not just how we look, what we say, how we listen. But inside where the other person can't see us at all to actually keep our heart open to the other person. describe what you mean by this story. You know, and this is in some ways, this is actually the most common attribute of relationships is, you know, most of us in relationships that are sort of intact, whether it's a friendship or a magic relationship or collegial relationship.

You know, we tend to have an open heart toward the other person, which means we, we have warmth towards them, we wish them well we want them to be happy, we're kind to them, we care about them.

It helps the other person, as we talked about, to open up, right, when we're really warm and kind and our eyes show sometimes, I mean, I have friends, they look at me with loving eyes is really one way to think about it. It's so wonderful.

“And that warmth gives us a sense of safety and trust and helps us to open up and become more known and sort of we can become and then to feel more left.”

You know, I think many of us look at people who are good communicators, good listeners, and we say, okay, I need to do these four different things, I need to look the other person in the eye, I need to ask them questions, I need to show interest, I need to ask follow up questions.

And yes, you can do all of those things, but at some level, if you're not actually interested in the other person, we are very good at picking up, you know,

bakery, very good at picking up people who are not sincere. And in some ways, when you talk about keeping an open heart to someone, what you're saying is it's not just what you're showing on the outside that matters, you actually have to at some level feel it on the inside. Exactly, and actually the definition of what's called high quality listening is kind of the psychological term for really good listening is basically your paying attention, I'm paying attention to your words, I'm understanding your words, and also I care about what you're saying.

“That last part is really important, like I actually care, right, and so that warmth, that kindness, yeah, it's so critical, it's kind of a symptom, right, that the other person really cares.”

And as you said, like it's, we can tell it's, you can't fake it, you know, we are very, it's good, it's evolutionarily adaptor again for us to be good in authenticity detectors, right, because those, those are maybe people that we, we don't want to invest a lot of time with.

I understand that when you and Harry were writing your book, you spent some time in a coffee shop talking about this notion of keeping your heart open.

And other patrons in the coffee shop overheard your conversation and came over on their own relation to share ideas with you, describe for me what happened. It was actually incredible, so this was like in January, last January, in Brooklyn, New York, it was sort of a dark, you know, kind of dark, like a cold day, and so, and this has never really happened anytime, because I'm often in coffee shops talking to people, I've never been sort of approached so consistently by others, so we were sort of brainstorming ideas for our book.

I would say at least three different people just came up to us and started talking to us, like, you know, and some of them were, one of them was really shy and so I'm really sorry to interrupt, but I want to tell you.

So they heard what we were talking about feeling loved and, and so they gave us different stories from their lives and sort of one woman maybe 28 or something.

Her boyfriend, I think, lives in Mexico, she said, and so it's really hard for them to sort of maintain that relationship as long distance, and so she mentioned how they have the shared Spotify list, and so on a regular basis, they will add songs to the shared list that are meaningful to them, and that makes them feel loved. Another person said that he and his partner have a picture frame that has a picture of the two of them, and it lights up, kind of randomly throughout the day, and when it lights up, they send each other a word.

It's just one word that sort of expresses their feelings, and it could be, you know, love, it could be your name, it could be curiosity, it could be loneliness, right, sort of loneliness. And that makes them feel love to feel like that they're really feel connected to the other person. And it was so beautiful, it was so beautiful that people kept, like, they wanted to share, which made it think that, like, the wow, this is really hitting a nerve. People really think a lot about this, about feeling love, not feeling love, what maintains feeling loved, what gets people to fall out of that feeling loved, it's really in people's minds a lot.

“One of the things that I think happens in long-term relationships, especially Sonya, is that we start to forget how complicated people are, how much they change.”

Can you talk a moment about how being open to another person means sort of accepting that they are complex people, and that they're not fixed and still. So just because someone, you know, goes out to a party, doesn't mean that they're an extra word, they could have different sides to them. Talk about this idea that our embracing of complexity, both our own complexity and the complexity of other people, helps us forge closer relationships. Yeah, I think this is so important, and we've been talking about the importance of sharing and listening and getting known and being known, well, some of that might involve me telling you a story that might involve some sort of a contradiction or something that's maybe not so positive about me or something that, like, you don't really understand why did she do this.

And, you know, I have this trauma, yes, but it doesn't define me. I have, you know, sometimes I'm kind, but, you know, with sometimes I'm selfish, and sometimes I'm loyal, sometimes I'm a little narcissistic, and we all have that.

“And how do we sort of turn off that sort of judgmental tendency is when we hear someone's story that sort of doesn't quite make sense, you know, how do we respond to that?”

And I think that's actually one of the most challenging things to do.

You told me that there were times when you didn't feel loved by your daughter, even though you knew that she did love you, I'm wondering whether your research has informed how you went about seeking love from her. You know, when I did feel loved by my daughter, I thought, like, maybe I should talk to her and ask her, you know, what is it, and somehow I thought that I don't know, like, I could change something about myself or about her, but what the research behind the book taught me is to start with showing interest in her and showing interest in her in her life and sort of what makes her tick and start to ask questions about the things that are really exciting to her, which may not be exciting to me, at least not initially.

And so I started to spend more time with her, I started to ask her more questions and sort of to listen more and then to follow up too, right, so maybe follow up maybe a week later, a month later, say, hey, I remember when you told me you were interested in that, you know, what is happening with there, you know, sort of to follow up because then she sees that I remember the things that really mattered to her and to make her feel loved first.

“Did that work, did it change her behavior? Yeah, you know, it didn't have some kind of immediate miraculous, you know, result, but it led her to open up a little bit more to me.”

It led her to ask me more questions about me, which is, you know, not as common, you know, children often don't ask their parents a lot of questions, it made me think like, oh, I should go call my mom and ask her more questions.

I should all do this after this episode, call your parents and ask them questions about their inner lives or about their childhoods, about what really matters to them.

And also it sort of led us to be more affectionate with each other. I'm a huge fan of physical touch, you know, it's like I just feel so loved, you know, when we're cuddling, you know, and so we've been cuddling a lot more lately.

“As Sonia Lubomerski notes, when we don't feel loved, our thoughts often turn inwards. We ask ourselves, what is it about me that others don't like?”

When a classmate in school doesn't want to be our friend, we may tell ourselves, we're not cool enough. When a potential employer doesn't hire us, we fear it's because we're not smart enough. How do we prevent these sorts of thought patterns from becoming self-fulfilling prophecies? Recently, the psychologist Greg Walton told me a story. He works at Stanford University and also went to school there. At an alumni event, a woman approached him with an anecdote of perseverance. She said, when she was a kid, she loved soccer, and she told her father that she was going to try out to walk on to the Stanford Women's Soccer team, which is a very good team.

Walking onto a college sports team is never easy. Most of the players are recruited by coaches. The process is highly competitive with lucrative scholarships on the line.

Joining the team as a walk on would require a ton of hard work. The woman's father didn't believe she was capable of that. Her father said, you're not going to go there three weeks early and get up every morning at whatever hour I don't believe you. She told me that she did do that. After the woman received negative feedback from her father, she could have let it stop her. She couldn't believe that she wasn't good enough or dedicated enough. Instead, she chose to focus on a positive compliment she received years earlier.

And the reason she did that was because when she was a kid playing on a youth soccer team, she overheard the parent, a parent, and a different team, saying, hey, that number 23, which was her number, she's really good. And she held that in her heart and in her mind as she came to Stanford as she walked on to the Stanford's women's team and as she made the team and made a career out of the soccer business.

You're listening to Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vidantra.

When we realize that we've failed at something, it's hard to focus on anything else. Our minds tell us over and over that we're weak, we're lazy, we're stupid.

“This negative train of thought can lead to painful questions. Why am I talking to you?”

Do others hate me? One fear bleeds into another. Soon, we don't even remember where the negativity started, down we descend into a vortex of doom. How do we find our way out of such negative thoughts spirals?

At Stanford University, psychologists Greg Walton studies how our minds can entrap us and what we can do to avoid these traps.

Greg is the author of Ordinary Magic, the science of how we can achieve big change with small acts. He joined us on a recent episode of Hidden Brain titled "You Too Pointo, Stop Spirally". Today, he's back on the show to respond to your questions and comments about that episode. Greg Walton, welcome back to Hidden Brain. Thank you for having me.

Greg, I'm going to start by playing you a story of a listener who called him.

Her name is Sherry, and she shared how she struggled with negative thoughts spirals as a young woman.

It really escalated quite a bit as I grew out of my teens and into my 20s that it started to become so bad. You know, all of these thoughts about how I wasn't living up to who I should be, that was stupid. You shouldn't have said that. Why did you do that? Regrets about the past. These kinds of terrible looping thoughts that at some point had me thinking about suicide quite a bit. Because I just didn't think that there was a way out of all of that.

I'm going to come back at the end of the show, Greg, with more of Sherry's story. Sherry tells us how she got out of her doom loop. But for now, can you start by talking about Sherry's experience of spiraling? What she went through is hardly unique, is it? No, of course not at all.

So that experience of having one bad thought kind of primed the next thought. So I did something bad. I'm bad. I did something else bad. I'm really bad. That of wordx, as you describe it, makes a lot of sense. And I think it's something that everybody can relate to. You talk about some of the reasons we might spiral. We heard from a listener named Lucia, who writes, "Our 16-year-old son is in a downward spiral because of a hiccup on his schedule this year."

“He's a junior in high school. He's given up on school. He thinks his life is ruined.”

He has a very fixed mindset, and it is very difficult for him to get unstuck. We're having a hard time supporting him through this and would love some insight. We talk Greg in our previous conversation about how people often overreact to setbacks in their lives. We blow small pieces of information out of proportion. You talked about the idea of something called a tiff bit. Can you remind us what a tiff bit is?

Sure, of course. A tiff bit is a tiny fact that you have a big theory about and then you react to it in a big way. So the teacher maybe says something unkind and you think she thinks I'm dumb. I'm checking out. I'm not participated in this class anymore. That would be an example of a tiff bit. So when it comes to a young person, somebody who is in high school,

“I mean it's hard to imagine the kind of setback this person could have that could justify them feeling like their life is ruined when they're a junior in high school.”

And yet this must happen all the time. People in high school must constantly feel my god whatever happened this past week in school. It's so huge that it must mean the rest of my life has no future. Yeah, well, I think the thing to think about there is we're talking about adolescents who are in the process of developing from being children into the adults they'll be. So suppose you're a kid, you're 15 years old and you want to join maybe it's the newspaper club and maybe you got excluded from that.

You might not have that thought fully consciously, but the rejection from the club might feel like a rejection from the future self that you are aspiring to.

Lucia writes that her son has a fixed mindset. What are fixed mindsets and how do they lead to these kinds of thoughts spirals? Yeah, fixed mindset is the idea that you have a certain amount of intelligence.

“That's what you have and you're either smart or you're not smart and there's not much you can do to increase that.”

And if you have that fixed mindset and you approach a learning situation, maybe you take a math test, if you don't do very well, that fixed mindset tells you you're not good at this, you're not a math person.

You shouldn't try it this and it leads people to become unresilient when they're faced with learning challenges.

You've done research looking at how students can avoid spirals and cultivate what's called a growth mindset. So for a parent like Lucia who is basically dealing with the 16 year old son who feels like his life is over. How would you recommend she deploy this idea of a growth mindset to help our son Greg? Yeah, so I think one thing to say is that Lucia's role is one important role as a parent and there's other people around that child too, including all of the educators around them who are played important roles and all of the peers around that child as well.

What all of those actors want to be able to do in that circumstance is really talk about the value of learning and growth and the opportunity for learning and growth. So when you make a mistake, it's not a sign that you're dumb, that would be a tip of it. It's a sign that you haven't gotten something yet, you know, just in the same way that a toddler who falls down as they're learning to walk, they're not a non-walker, right, they're just a child who hasn't yet gotten the competency of walking. So in math class, if you fail a test, that means you don't understand that material yet and the parents role and the teachers role and the peers role is all to come together to support that learning process to play their roles well.

And for the parent that might be about encouragement, for the teacher, it might be saying, I'm going to be with you every step of the way as you work on this material and it's hard and I'm going to give you the right materials and when you ask a question, that's helping me become a better teacher, because you're helping me understand what it is you don't know yet and how I can respond to in ways that will support that learning growth that you're on. I'm another parent named Melissa who writes, I've noticed that young kids these days, including my own, seem to treat every small bump in the role as a large catastrophe.

I try to talk to my kids and encourage them not to see it like this.

“Now, as we've discussed, Greg Adolescence is a dramatic time in our lives. Do you know if teenagers are more prone to negative spirals than younger kids or older adults?”

I don't know of data that has asked that question directly. I would not be surprised though. You know, I had an opportunity this past fall to do a couple of different events for Stanford alum talking about people's experiences in the transition to college. And in these events, I talked about how it's very common to worry about whether you belong when you come to college and when you have an initial difficulty, maybe a conflict of room with a roommate. That can sometimes seem if you're 18 years old, like maybe that's a sign that people like me don't belong here.

So interesting in doing these events with alum, people who are down there 40s and their 50s and their 60s and their 70s, is they all recalled back to that time and said, "Absolutely, yes." When I was 18, it felt like the world was riding on that. The world was riding on whether I was going to have a good relationship with my roommate or what did my professor say to me when I asked a question in class.

“Did I get a B plus or an A minus on that chemistry test, right? From the perspective of a 45 or that's in the distant past, right?”

And nothing is really riding on that now, but they could recall back to what that was like and how important that felt for the student at that time. Sometimes negative thoughts spirals can be triggered by what we think is happening in the minds of other people. We got a message about this from a listener named Linda, she writes, "When I worked as a nurse, there was an odd call administrator I needed to call maybe once a month.

Whenever he answered, he sounded negative and perturbed. I always felt like he didn't like me because his tone seemed like he was saying, "Great, it's you again bothering me."

One day, I was standing with an ear shot when his phone rang. I heard a monster in the exact same tone he'd been answering when I had called. This is when I realized that it wasn't me, that that was simply how he answered his phone.

Talk for a moment about how these faulty assumptions can shape our tendency to spiral?

“Yes, so the listener is learning that this person, she's interacting with is actually just a grump, right?”

So it's actually about him, it's not about her. All of us kind of look at it the world from a kind of self-perspective, like you're reading the world from the perspective of yourself.

And so you're asking the question kind of, "What does this have to do with how I'm seeing?

What does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with my abilities? What does this have to do with how they're evaluating me or what my prospects might be?"

“And sometimes we can neglect the fact that it might be about them, it might be about their own stuff that's going on inside of them.”

And then when something negative happens, like a brusk in her personal experience, you can think very easily, they don't like me, they don't believe in me, they don't respect me.

And that can kick off a downward spiral.

I'm wondering if this is also magnified when we're dealing with people who in some ways have power over us. If you're thinking about a small child interacting with her parents, for example, or a kid in a classroom interacting with a professor, you know, it's understandable that we pay a lot of attention now to the affect and behavior of this other person, because this other person has power over us. And now perhaps we're even more likely to over-interpret their moods, their attitudes, the way they speak, as being somehow referential to us.

Yeah, absolutely, right? So I'm reminded of an older French movie called The Class, in which there is a teacher who's teaching a group of students, many of whom are immigrants, and there's an African immigrant student in the class. And the African immigrant student finds out that the teacher who he believes most in, who he thinks believes in him, has said something about him. And there's this classroom confrontation that elicits what that thing is that that teacher had said about that student, and what the word is that the teacher had said was limited.

And the student, the immigrant student, here's that this is the word that his favorite teacher has said about him, and he physically deflates, he collapses into his chair, and then maybe 30 seconds later in the film, he erupts in an incredible display of anger, and you can feel how devastating that is. Absolutely devastating that is when someone you look up to, someone who has power over you, someone who might know something that you don't know, for sees for you, a future that is limited, sees in you, a lack of capacity, it is absolutely devastating.

And the inverse is also incredibly true and incredibly powerful. So there is, I don't think anything more powerful or more special than when you're struggling, when you don't know which way to go, when you're lost or you're confused or you're getting into conflicts. And somebody believes in you and they see in you the good and the successful person that you can become, and they share that image for you, and they play their part to help you realize that image.

“I think that is that's bringing an ordinary magic to your life.”

When we come back, how are framing of negative events causes us to spiral downwards or upwards? You're listening to Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedanta. At times it feels like bad things come in three, fours, even tens. One setback leads to another and another. And soon, this destructive snowball has gathered so much momentum, it feels like it will crush us. At Stanford University, psychologists Greg Walton studies how these avalanches grow and how we can stop them. Today, he joins us to answer your questions about his work.

Greg, we heard from a listener named Suzanne, she says she has struggled with spiraling almost her whole life. It started when she was very young. When I was 19, my sister was 21, she choked to death. And so, of course, now I have a fear of choking. If I come down late at night, my husband is sitting in front of the TV eating peanuts.

Jump to disaster thinking has become so automatic that sometimes I don't even realize it's happened in time in it. But it's a lifelong process for me and I love your program. Thank you so much.

So Greg, we talked about tiff bits, how we can sometimes blow small bits of information out of proportion, but in some cases, terrible things can and do happen to us. When our spirals are caused by real events, not by our imaginations, what can we do about them? It's no longer enough to stop and look at reality accurately. Yeah, I really appreciate Suzanne's question, and I want to just share a story from my own experience. So when I first moved back to Stanford as a professor, I was basically in home one night through a dark street and it was dark and I was going too fast and all of a sudden there was a car right in front of me.

This is a residential street. The car had a bike rack on it and I re-rended this parked car and the bike rack sliced open my face.

I don't know if you can see I have a scar here and it was terrible. I got myself home. There was a lot of blood. You know, I didn't ride a bike for maybe six months after that. And I walked every day and then when I did start to ride a bike, I did it very slowly and I did it very carefully.

“So, you know, one thing I want to say is just how normal and reasonable Suzanne's response is to remember the trauma of the experience with her sister.”

It's her see that replayed in her mind when she's looking at another person that she loves to value the process of growth. And that might be a very slow, very step-by-step process.

And then the last thing I want to say about that is that, you know, when we have the most terrible things happen to us, it can be very easy to have a kind of sort of purely deficit based lens for understanding that experience. So, you know, it's very easy to understand it as essentially a disability, a limitation of weakness in the self. And it's very healthy if you can ask the question, even if that was a difficult experience and maybe causes me difficulty sometimes, and it makes me upset sometimes.

Are there also strengths or goodnesses that come from that experience? And what the strength versus Anne might be, what the strength for a different person might be might be different things.

“But I think it's a very important question to ask ourselves to understand those strengths alongside the challenges that an experience like that poses.”

We received a note from a listener named Abby, who called in about a time when she was an undergraduate in college. I was a biology major, I was thinking I wanted to maybe go into medicine, and I remember really struggling in organic chemistry. And it was rough, I was thinking I wasn't going to pass the course, and I remember going home for Thanksgiving break, and I was talking with one of my uncles. So I'm not particularly close with, but he's a surgeon and figure he knew what this was like. And I remember him starting to explain his experience, you know, with organic chemistry going to an Ivy League school, finding it very hard in the class.

He kind of turned it around and said, you know, but I dug in my heels, and I just worked really hard, and I was failing at the midterm, but by the final I got the highest score in the class on the final exam. And I remember just coming away from that conversation feeling kind of demoralized.

“I think I had already in my head anticipated the ending of the story as he was telling it.”

He was going to tell me that, you know, I failed organic chemistry, but it's okay. I took it again, look how successful I am, it's okay. I guess my question is, why is it that sometimes we want a failure story to help us get over a struggle, and why is it that sometimes we want to hear about extraordinary people to find odds? I think this is the fascinating question Greg, sometimes when we're sad, all we want is to wallow in our sadness and listen to sad songs.

How do we know whether they need a mirror to reflect what they are feeling so we can tell them that they're not alone?

“And when do they need us to throw them a lifeline and pull them out of the water?”

Yeah, I think the best stories are actually both that is, they are stories that connect with the real difficulty that people are having, the depth of that challenge, and they're not stories of achievement of success. There are stories of process and growth. There are stories of how you build from darkness towards a trajectory that is right for you and right for how you want to become. And it sounds like with Abby's story that the conversation with her uncle turned into a story of triumph and success and achievement more so than a story of growth.

So there's there's work for example on role models and what kind of role model stories are most effective for people and the best kinds of role model stories are stories of growth over time of change.

They're not stories of success. It's not the success stories alone that are the best stories, it's the stories that are stories of change and growth.

“And for those stories to work, you have to really begin at that dark place, at that failure place, maybe it's failing or getting a chemistry.”

We also received a story from a listener named Chris, who wanted to talk about some big changes in his life about four years ago, Chris moved with his wife and two kids from the United States to Denmark. We've had a job opportunity and we put our kids in Danish school and they became fluent and we really like living here. However, my job in the US company was bought and I was laid off and now I'm struggling mightily to build a new career here. I struggle with feelings of self-loving. I can't give up because I know that the damage that would do to my family is worse than anything I would be relieving myself of.

But I'm in the middle of it right now and as much as these stories of things are great and look how I turned it around. You know, I feel like I'm the person that your most recent podcast was geared towards. So Greg, I really hear the pain and Chris's voice here. He lost his job and now can't seem to find his way out of this professional downward spiral. What advice would you have for Chris? Yeah, I absolutely hear the pain in Chris's voice and I hear also his commitment to his family.

“You know, I think the beginning of a process for Chris is just calling in like he's done, right?”

I think what's important is for him to be able to understand and articulate the experience that he's having which he is doing. And then to be able to having done that start to think about what it is he wants to do with the time that he has in Denmark. There's an older intervention in psychology developed by Jamie Penabaker called expressive writing interventions. And what this is is really just taking the time to write about the deepest thoughts and feelings that you have, especially thoughts and feelings that aren't yet processed.

And it's helpful because it helps people to tell stories of challenges that have a beginning of middle and an end. And to kind of stop that roominative cycle that that I could hear Chris worried about and that the color at the beginning I'm sharing. I think was describing as well like a roominative thought cycle because if you write it down, it's ridiculous to write something down like I'm bad, I did something bad, I did something bad, I'm bad, I did something badly that's a boring that's that's not going to work.

So when you write it down, you can tell a story that has an end and kind of put it pin on it and then once you've put it pin on it, you can start to do the second part of the work.

Think about what you want to do with the time that you have in the circumstance that you're in, what would be of meaning to you would be a value to you. But you kind of have to do that first work first. You've sometimes said that the focus of your work is about this idea of becoming. Can you unpack that idea for me, Greg? Yeah, what we do is we think about where we are and where it is that we want to go, who you want to become, what you want to do with the circumstance that you're in, given whatever that circumstance is.

I think that's why belonging in school is so important because school is a vehicle for becoming.

“Like school is how we become the people that we want to become.”

It's our opportunity to build skills and build relationships that help us get to the kind of person that we want to become. And the barriers that come up along the way, the psychological barriers, things like fixed mindsets of intelligence. Like, if you take that organic chemistry class and you see that as the vehicle to become the doctor you want to be and you fail that organic chemistry class and you think that means I've done it organic chemistry, that means I can't be a doctor, that's a threat to your becoming.

Or questions like, I don't belong here, people don't value me here, I'm not contributing here, that's a threat to your becoming within that space. And really what I'm hearing you say then is that when we experience these spirals, what we're really experiencing are threats to our hopes and our dreams of the kind of people that we could become, that's where the fear and the anxiety, that's where it comes from. Exactly.

“I shared earlier that I had the opportunity to do some events with alum this past fall and I want to just tell one story from that.”

I had asked a group of alum in Orange County to talk about a time when somebody saw in them the good and successful person that they could become, maybe even when they weren't there yet.

And one of the people there, he told a story. He started working at a company, he long admired a company he greatly respected, a company he was proud to be at, but he felt he was floundering, he didn't feel he understood his job well. He thought he was not doing well, he was worried he might get laid off, he was in the probationary period. And the company was his office was in Orange County, but the company had headquarters in the East Coast and the boss of his boss came in one day from the East Coast.

And so his boss and his boss of his boss are standing near his desk talking, but not to him. And then his boss comes to his desk and puts his hand on his shoulder and he says this is going to be one of our stars. This is going to be one of our people and the boss boss then introduces himself and shows the person a great deal of respect. And he told this story and he said that that was the moment that he realized that he could become the kind of worker at this company that he wanted to become. And that was the ordinary magic for him.

When we come back, listen or share their advice on how to get out of a spiral. You're listening to Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedanta. This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedanta. At Stanford University, Greg Walton studies how we end up in downward spirals. He's the author of Ordinary Magic, the science of how we can achieve big change with small acts.

Today, he's responding to listener questions and comments in our latest segment of your questions answered.

“One of the tricky parts of confronting bad news is that we tend to ask ourselves, what does this mean for my future?”

These worries can overwhelm us and lead to a lot of anxiety. A listener named Carolyn, called in with her experience.

I lost my job at the right age of 66 and was basically thrown into retirement.

I don't know how people manage, but step by step, I signed up for Medicare and all the other social security stuff. It looked for a paradigm job, found a new place to live. It was pretty tumultuous, but I had to just keep putting my foot in front of the other. That's the only way you can survive. So Carolyn, try to take things step by step, Greg, solve one problem at a time. I actually think that this is psychologically very wise.

Instead of getting overwhelmed by the big picture, she focused just on one step that was right in front of her. What do you think of this approach?

So there's, we call this proximal goals. And this was an idea that was researched in the '80s by my colleague Alben Dura, studying originally kids who were really struggling in math. So these were elementary school kids who were way behind in math. And in one of the studies that he did, he gave kids a bunch of math work sheets.

And in one condition, he said, "Do as many as you can." And in the other condition, he said, "Do six pages per day." And it's the same thing.

But the six pages per day breaks it down and says, "Here's what my goal is.

I'm going to do six pages per day." And that increased kids' confidence in their ability to do math, and it increased their performance in math. And the psychology of it is really that when you break it down into manageable bits, and you work on each bit and you accomplish each bit,

you feel a little bit better. You feel a little bit more confident. You feel a little bit of progress. And at the end of the day, then you maybe have climbed the mountain top. A listener named Estelle called it with her experience of a downward spiral,

and how she got out of it. The year 2012 was special because a lot of really crappy things happened. My had relationship instability and lost three jobs. So how did I get out of this? I sent someone simple question for myself.

I said in six months from now, I just started a new job in six months.

“I'm going to ask myself honestly, "Do I love it here?”

Is this where I want to be?" And six months go by and I didn't lose that job. But when I asked myself honestly at the six months checkpoint, is this how I want to feel? The answer was no.

I didn't enjoy what I was doing. I didn't want to keep doing what I was doing for the rest of my life. I started figuring out what my exit plan was going to be, and I decided I was going to go back to school, and I was going to completely change my career.

I still use this strategy now. I set checkpoints for myself, and I give myself reasonable metrics that I can keep track of, and checking with myself at some later point, and see if something is still working for me or if it's not.

And if it's not, then I can change it. So Greg, one thing I love about Estelle's strategy is that she sets a point where she checks in with herself about a decision, and that means she no longer has to think about the decision every day.

“She doesn't have to constantly ask herself, "Am I happy? Am I unhappy?”

Is this job going to turn out like all the others? Am I having these predefined checkpoints?" And some ways, she takes the pressure off the daily questions that can lead to negative spirals. Yeah, I love it.

It reminds me a little bit of the kind of unhelpfulness of the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" It's just like too big of a question.

My whole life, I always think it's much more useful

when I'm talking with undergraduates, for example, to ask a question, "What do you want to do for a couple of years?" What would you like to try out? And then as exactly as Estelle is saying, "Check in with yourself, how do you like that?"

"You're working for you. Are you seeing the paths of growth that are inspiring for you?" And you're becoming the kind of person that you want to be or maybe not. And so sort of breaking it down into manageable bits and then checking in with yourself as those manageable bits come up. It's very helpful.

And to the extent that our worries are prompted again by our concerns that we're not becoming the people we want to be, as you said. You know, there's a tendency to want to worry about those questions all the time.

“And what I like about Estelle is doing is she's basically saying those are important questions.”

I'm going to get to them, but that doesn't mean I have to think about them all the time. Right, so if you're asking the question, like, "Do I want to be an ex?" At every single day that you're trying to do the ex. Like you're not actually doing the ex. You're not actually interacting with the people, not working environment.

You're not trying to build the skills of that environment. You're not joshing around with the people or going to happy hours or experiencing that space the way that it would be in that space. You're distracted the whole time by the meta question. We received a question from a listener named Mark who realized that he needed the help of others to escape his downward spiral. After my wife died in April 2025, I went through a very deep downward spiral.

I thought my life was over and I thought I could never be happy again.

What I realized was I needed to use people who love me to help me get out of this spiral. I went to the East Coast for 14 days and sore friends. I went to China for a month where my daughter and granddaughter live with their wonderful family. When I came back, I was ready to start life again. I shed most of my dictive behaviors and met a woman soon after that.

She exercises every day, eats healthy and has lots of fun. Just what I needed after this difficult experience. Great water all do other people in our life play when it comes to dealing with a downward spiral.

Yeah, I mean, they're essential. We are a social animal and we do not do any of this work by ourselves.

We always do it with other people. Mark's story is a beautiful story, a beautiful story of self insight and of leaning on others. And when you're in a very dark space, like if you've lost a spouse, for example, who you love very much and I could hear that in Mark's voice, the world can seem very dark. And then if you can interact with people who aren't in that head space and people who care about you and people who can share with you other ways of viewing the world.

Opportunities, things that are of interest.

Those opportunities and things that are of interest can come into your way of seeing as well.

“And I think that that's part of the story that Mark is telling us there, and it's a lesson for all of us.”

Speaking of loved ones, Greg, let's end where we started with the experience of Sherry. I told you as a young woman she considered suicide because of her negative spirals. I let her pick up the story from here. These kinds of terrible looping thoughts that at some point had me thinking about suicide quite a bit because I just didn't think that there was a way out of all of that. Something dropped into me one day to make a list of reasons why I loved my mom.

And when I was started to make this list of reasons why I love my mother, I realized maybe not quite right at that exact moment. But down the road, I realized looking back that when I was immersed in thinking about why I loved someone that those other looping negative spiraling voices didn't have space. They weren't there.

This became a lifelong practice for me. This was 30 some years ago that I made that very first list.

I now I call them love lists and it's a tool that I use as a combination of gratitude tool, a personal development tool, a meditation tool, and it's a gift.

“We can give to someone else that I think will help them with their own spiraling looping negative thoughts because now they have a list of beautiful things about themselves.”

Greg, what do you make of Sherry's idea of love lists? Can gratitude help us get out of these negative spirals? Yeah, I mean Sherry, what a beautiful story and what a beautiful wise intervention. I think there's nothing more important for us than other people and the relationships that we have, the real authentic close relationships where you're seen and you're valued. And when you can get back in contact with that, the negativity can just fall away as you describe in your experience. It's beautiful and thank you for sharing that.

I'm wondering Greg, whether this is something that you do as well, how do you get yourself out of negative spirals? Yeah, I mean, I think definitely the kind of three AM anxiety experience, like anxiety peaks early in the morning, you can't sleep, you wake up. I think one thing that helps is to just write down the things that you're anxious about, right? So you, that's something I've definitely done. I think another thing that helps me is just the kind of meta-awareness that this is, it's almost a mindfulness is that this is a thought, this is a time of anxiety.

And things will look a little bit different at a different time, maybe from a different perspective maybe just at 10 in the morning in light of a conversation with somebody I care about or somebody who cares about me.

“So that meta-awareness is also helpful. And I think that the surfacing is really important to be able to say to say what it is and then to kind of diagnose it.”

Like, where is it that that is coming from? Why is it that I'm having this anxiety at this time? There's a reason for that. I might not know the reason for that, but there's a reason for that. And if I could figure out that reason, it's almost like understanding the root cause. And then I can actually work on the thing that actually matters, not the tidbit manifestation of it. Greg Walton is a psychologist at Stanford University. He's the author of Ordinary Magic, the science of how we can achieve big change with small acts.

Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure.

“Hidden Brain is produced by Hidden Brain Media. Our audio production team includes Annie Murphy Paul, Kristen Wong, Laura Correll, Ryan Katz, Autumn Barnes, Andrew Chadwick and Nick Woodbury.”

Tara Boyle is our executive producer. I'm Hidden Brain's executive editor.

If you enjoyed today's conversation, please consider sharing it with your friends. Put out word of it on social media or your office Slack channel.

I'm Shankar Vidantam. See you soon.