Toni Laites - Love Island Healed My Toxic Dating Patterns

Tony Laters a few weeks ago, and we have edited it slightly to reflect the latest in Tony's life. I hope you enjoy the conversation. I ended up getting a horrible infection in the hospital, so no one could come see me. Even the people working in the hospital had to come see me in like hazmat suits. Months supply of the medication I was on in America was $30,000.

“I have an iffy relationship with my father, and I think that is where a lot of my dating issues”

come from. Welcome to How to Fail, and if you're new around here then welcome. This is the podcast where we dive into failure and ask each guest about three times they failed in life and what they learn along the way. Before we get started on this conversation, please do remember to like,

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15% off using code fail at one skin.co/fail. That's 15% off at one skin.co with code fail. After you purchase that ask you where you heard about them, please support our show and tell them we sent you. This week I'm joined by guests to experience that quintessentially modern paradox. Being watched by millions while trying to work out who she was, and while falling in love. She is Tony latest, the 25 winner of ITV's flagship reality show Love Island. It's a TV program

that has become part of the National and International Discourse, catapulting unknown contestants into overnight fame. The premise is deceptively simple. A dating show where Islanders are encouraged to couple up in order to avoid being dumped, all while being filmed in a specially constructed villa. And as many of you know, I'm a huge fan. I've been when latest burst on to our screens during

the 12th season. She was a different kind of contestant. The first American bombshell to enter,

latest have been discovered working in Vegas. My love island UK's creative director, Mike Spencer Hater, who just so happened to be on his honeymoon, when he was served drinks by a charismatic cabana server. She was persuaded to fly 6,000 miles to Mallorca. In the villa she went through various ups and downs, including with the fetclist Harrison, before recapling with her prince charming Cash Mercer and going on to win £50,000. And yet one of the most heartwarming narrative

arcs was not the undiated romance, but the platonic love that grew between the female finalists, Tony, Shakira and Yazz, dubbed The Big Three by Fans. Although she was the first American to win,

be a thousand other applicants to get her job as a cabana server in Vegas. And then,

as she later recalled, I was always the number one in sales. Tony, Latest, welcome to How to

Failure. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. I'm nervous. Oh, please don't be nervous. I, oh yeah. I'm honored that you're nervous, but I promise that you don't need to be. I've already said, I'm such a huge fan of both you and love island. Thank you. And producer Hannah and I are stars struck in a way that we've never been for anyone else. And tell the other guests that will wait for us. It's just between the two of us and all of our listeners and viewers. It's

such a pleasure to meet you in person. It really is. And I really appreciated you being number one in

“sales as a cabana server. I thought that was hilarious. What is the secret to being good at sales?”

Prisma. Tell me more. Are you born with it or can you cultivate it? I think you can learn, like, with anything in life, you have to practice it. I'd been a waitress since I was 16 years old. It was the only job I ever had. So you start to like think about the types of people you're serving and how to get them to spend more and spend more. And I don't know, be their friend at the end of the day. Yes. For me, serving was much more than just bringing someone their drink.

Especially when I was working in big hotels. I was like cultivating an experience for them that went way past. Do you want a pinnacle order? So you were working in the social and

Vegas. And Mike Spencer Hater, who we all have to credit with basically inventing one of the best

reality TV shows of all time, was on his honeymoon. And I met Mike recently and he told me the story. And I also message him ahead of recording this podcast. And he gave me permission to quote from what he said about you. He said, she stood out from the crowd. Tony was confident, beautiful and engaging. I knew when I met her that she'd be a star. And she was so relatable. So did you think I'm I'm being scammed? Here's this guy. He says he's a creative director for

“wireless. So it's so funny. I really think it was like a meant to be situation. It was a Monday”

afternoon. One of my friends actually called out of work. I took her section. The only people in the section were these two British guys. And you know, I was thinking to myself in the morning, British guys don't tip. I'm not going to make any money today. And it was so funny because I came up to Mike and his husband and I introduced myself to them. I said, are you celebrating anything immediately? He said, have you ever heard of all violent? It wasn't like I had spent the day

with them. It was such a short interaction before he even brought it up that I was like this guy's a bullshitter, especially working in the job in the industry that I was in. You get offered all sorts of things. People want to take you out on dates. People want to offer you jobs. They offer you vacations like all crazy things. And it wasn't until a couple days later when I TV started contacting me that I was like, oh my god, this is real. Then when you realized it was real,

was there a sense that fate took over? And you just thought, actually, I'll say yes. I think if it was in any other circumstance for the one I was in, I probably would have said no. Because I remember it for someone, I'm not doing this. I have a great life in Vegas. I have friends. I make money. I can take four months off a year because the pool closes. And even, I think it was two weeks after they were flying me to London for one day and one day only because I had to get

back home so I could meet the production team. And I was like, I'm not doing this. I was on the flight to London. I'm like, oh, go see what they say, but I'm not going on the show. And it really

“took some convincing from my friends. They were like, no, you have to. Some of my friends had”

watched the show. I didn't. So I don't think I understood the opportunity was so big, you know? I think that really worked in your favor though. It is from the outset you seem so yourself. Yeah. And in a crazy surreal environment, it must be quite hard for people who don't have a strong sense of self to hold onto that level of authenticity. Did you feel with all of the sales expertise? Did you feel you had to sell yourself? I think I got it easy coming on to the show

because it was kind of already set up for me. I didn't have to like go to a million meetings with producers because I wasn't here. Mike found me what Mike says goes. Yeah. So getting on the show,

that was easy for me. But then being inside, I've just always been myself and it's somewhat

worked out for me, whether that was in school or in work or in sports, anything like that. So I wasn't trying to pretend. I knew it worked for me in the past. So I just carried that on to the show. Yes. Was sleep like, did you? I can't imagine much worse than having to sleep in a

know what time it is. We don't have our phones. There's no clocks anywhere. But sometimes I would

“sneak a look at a producer's phone when we'd be talking to them. And it would be five in the”

morning. Oh my goodness. We would be up until five a.m. sometimes. And like to my knowledge, we had like a sleep bank. We would get X amount of hours for the week. So if one day we got 12 hours the next day, we could get six and then it all adds up. Huh. So like, I'm Saturdays on down days. Sometimes we would go to bed and the sun would still be up. That's so weird. I'd know I do. You had no clue about what time it is. No, we didn't know. Ever. So what about meal

times? That's sorry. This is so niche. It's a different thing. It's okay. It's okay. Do they happen at a regular time every day? Do you just eat when you're hungry? It was catering. Okay. So we would wake up in the morning if it's even morning and we would go out and cook ourselves breakfast.

But then immediately after we at breakfast lunch would come because it was always at a set time.

Okay. I imagine one of the hardest things along with sleep and not knowing what time it was is being liked or disliked both in the villa but then having to contend with what you think the public perception might be of you. Yeah. How did you cope with that? Because the first public vote you and she hear I know. You and she care came awesome and I just liked to apologise on behalf of the British public. So got that wrong and then what an amazing narrative art you had because

you ended up winning. Yeah. But what was that like? I think for me it was a bit expected being the only first American ever. I think that Americans kind of had a bad rap in this country. Even just abroad anywhere America's kind of frowned upon. So I expected it not because of who I actually am but just because of that simple narrative. People it was something they're not familiar

to that a lot of people just say no immediately when something new and fresh. So the first public

vote didn't necessarily shock me. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I think it was further down the line when the people that I was with every day didn't like me that hurt so much more. You kind of forget about the public unless there is something like a public vote. And is that when you

“really relied on Shakira and yes? 100% we were all in the same boat like that's why we call ourselves”

the outcasts. We came together because we didn't really have anyone else. I was trying in the beginning like I wasn't mean to the girls. I didn't feel included from the day I walked in there for the simple fact that I was American even with the boys. I've said this before it really shocked me that they weren't even willing to give me a chance for the simple fact of where I was from. Have you forgiven your fellow contestants who were mean to you? Yeah. There's no reason for me to

hold a grudge like I'm sorry but they get enough hate online. I don't need to contribute to that. I feel awful at the way that the rest of them have been treated since coming out of the villa and I don't know how I would cope. I get very little hate but the hate I do get hurts me. Yeah. So like if anything, I'm like praying for them to be okay. I don't hold a grudge. It's hard for all of us coming off the show. I wanted to spend a bit of time talking about your friendship.

Talk me through Tony and Yaz and that final and there's this iconic image where it's the

“three of you standing hand in hand. How did it feel being there with your two besties?”

It's hard to put into words. We had struggled for eight whole weeks and been ostracized and left out and I don't like to use the word bullied. I'm not even sure that that's the correct word but like we felt ganged up on it times. So for us to make it together, the three of us in the final, it was kind of like, we did it and it was just so rewarding to be stood up there with my two best friends. It could have been anyone at the end of the day but I think our friendship

regardless of our couples is kind of what brought us to the final. It's what made us survive those brutal eight weeks. Do you still speak every day? Yeah. Every single day. Are you in a WhatsApp group?

Of course. The podcast is cool. We never called ourselves the big three back. Came from the public.

We called ourselves the outcast for sure. Who is most likely to send the longest voice to? Oh my god. Yasmin only speaks in voice notes. I swear fingers don't work. I hate voice notes. YasPT do you? I hate them. We don't even use them in America, really. We don't even use WhatsApp. He's an interesting cultural difference. We are a message, girlies in America and we just

Yeah. I love a good emoji. I can't lie. What's your most use emoji?

I probably like the puppy dog eyes. Okay. Form of a heart. Okay. You said that you had never

watched an episode of Love Island in UK for me. It is all about relationships and anthropology ultimately. It's about how we understand how each other behaves. What do you think other than

“your friendship and your relationship with cash? What do you think Love Island gave you or taught you?”

A bit of confidence, honestly, because for me personally, I wouldn't really leave the house without makeup. I was a full glam girl to go anywhere, not being on TV, but then after the show I realized people have seen me in every form. They've seen me wake up in the morning with no makeup on. They see me crying. They've seen me angry. They've seen me with a full face. They've seen me before bed with spot patches on. So afterwards I can remain the same. I post without makeup. I go on public without

makeup and take pictures with millions of strangers. That's something I really found value in.

I never would have imagined would come from the show. That's so great to hear. Have you watched

it back? No. Would you ever? I think eventually, down the line, cash always tells me that I should watch it to see why people loved me so much, because sometimes I forget that. But I haven't seen it. I've seen clips on TikTok and everything, of course, but those are just highlight moments. Your first failure is about ignoring your health. Tell us a little bit about this. So when I was 17, it was kind of like a hectic time in my life. I was obviously going what we call

high school in America. I was playing sports. I had two jobs and I had this boyfriend, who I

“didn't have the best relationship with. And I think it was the most stressful time in my life.”

At least I thought it was. When I was 17, I think all 17 year old girls think that's the most stressful time of your life. You have no idea, by the way. It gets worse. But I was just piling on stress to my life and then it started to reflect in my health. And I had all of these simple, like gastric symptoms, stomach pains every day, throwing up, not being able to eat more TMI ones that I don't really want to talk about. But I was just pretending that I was okay

and going on about my life. And I remember I went to a music festival in Miami with one of my friends and I passed out in the crowd. And I just got up and acted like everything was fine. And it wasn't until I came home from that weekend that I told my mom, like, I need to go to the hospital, something is not right. And it ended up leaving me in the hospital for two weeks when I was finally

“diagnosed with all sorts of colitis. But it was like such a low, low point. And I think it not could have”

been avoided. My chronic illness is unavoidable. It was coming from me regardless. But I let it get way, way, way too bad. And why do you think you let it get that bad? Was it that you felt that you were making something up? Or that you were making too big a deal of it? Or that you weren't taken seriously when you were trying to express it? I didn't express it. Okay. That was the problem. I think it kind of relates to the reason why I was nervous today. Once you acknowledge a failure, it's real.

I just wanted to pretend like I was fine. I wanted to go to prom. I was getting ready to go to college. Like all of these really, really exciting things were happening in my life. I don't have time to be sitting in a hospital bed. I was young. I was cool. I was popular. I'm bleeding. You know? Yes. Like I couldn't get out of bed. You pooled things. Yeah. So those two weeks in hospital. What would they like? Probably one of the lowest points of my life. Like I ended up getting a horrible

infection in the hospital. So no one could come see me. Even the people working in the hospital had to come see me in like hazmat suits. So it wouldn't spread to them. And again, this was my senior year of high school. This is the most exciting time of your life. It's graduation time. It's problem time. It's all the fun stuff. I just went to high school for four years and this is the time you look forward to and I couldn't take part in it. I was so, so sick. I was losing way. I didn't

look like myself anymore. I couldn't see my friends. I was weak. Like I had a blood transfusion.

Wow. I was in so much pain every single day. I thought it would never end.

Did you go to prom? I made it to prom. Okay. So actually this is the interesting part about this. And this is why the whole entire world knows that I have you see prior to the show if you googled me, the only thing that would come up is my story of me going to prom because it made the

ready for prom in the hospital. They allowed me to go to prom and then I had to go back to the hospital.

Oh my goodness. I wasn't famous. I was famous in Connecticut for being sick. But like, so now everyone knew when I was on the show, everyone knew that I had all sort of colitis. Did you go with that disappointing boyfriend? He was actually older than me. Okay. And so that was like, he was a lot of the reason for my stress. He lived two hours away for me. And I would lie to my parents and say that I was going to work. But I was really driving to his place two hours away. And the

only reason why they caught me is because I crashed my car in the snowstorm. Okay. So it was a culmination of all of these things. I was ignoring my feelings, stressing myself out. And it ultimately, it made you sick. Like no one else in my family has ulcerative colitis. People say it could be her editorie. But a common theme with all the reports I've read is stress. Okay. So for the ignorant among us and I am one of them. How does you see manifest day to day? Can you ever

predict a flyer up? That's the scariest part about it. You can't. I could eat the same thing

10 days in a row. On the 11th day, I'll be flaring. And like there's amazing medications that you

can take that basically shut down your entire immune system so it doesn't attack itself because it is an autoimmune disease. Your immune system is attacking itself. But then at the same time, those medications have so many other side effects. They shut down your immune system so you get sick. You don't heal the same. You may bruise easily. You have allergies. Like it's all these other things. It's like, which is more worth it. But the worst pain I've ever felt is from my stomach. So it

outweighs everything. How does the flare up display itself? So you get stomach pain. It's debilitating. You spend the day in the bathroom. Your exhaust dead. Like, do you feel nausea? Yeah. Okay. nausea exhaustion. Excruciating pain. But you know what the worst part is about it. You wouldn't look at me and think I'm sick. Yes. So I always say not all disabilities are visible and people don't really understand what that's like. They don't sympathize with you because you

don't look sick, which is the most frustrating thing in the entire world. In America, it's even harder as well because these medications are so much money. One month supply of the medication I was

“on in America was $30,000. How did you cope? Health insurance. You have to pay for health insurance”

and then you apply for these programs. So like the drug companies give you basically a debit card. And the same company that makes the medicine gives you the money back for it. If you don't make

a million dollars a year, you can afford that medication. So it was always so hard. It was a

constant battle and not to forget that they don't always work forever. I've been on three different medications since being diagnosed because one day they just stop working. If you misadosed your body builds antibodies against it and it doesn't work for you anymore. So it's a constant battle. That's very tough. It was frustrating especially as a young girl. Yes. And how are you today? In her mission? Thank God. Oh, thank goodness. Yeah, like it took years. That was one of my biggest

fears going on the show as well. I was about to ask you share bathrooms with 20 people. There's two bathrooms inside, one bathroom outside. But luckily there is a welfare team on the show that

“you have to tell these things too. They get your entire medical history. If they thought that I”

couldn't physically do the show, they wouldn't have let me on. And they made sure I had all of the resources in place. There's a medic on site 24/7. God forbid something ever happened. I would have the resources I needed. But luckily I am feeling good. I'm so happy to hear that. Did you have a flare up in the villa? No. Okay. That wants. If there's someone listening to this right now and they are struggling with either UC or Crohn's, what advice would you give them? Maintain your health

before it's too late because I didn't. And I was so much sicker than I needed to be. Unfortunately, you have to get colonoscopies every year. It's the most uncomfortable experience ever. I hear they don't even sedate you here in America. They knock you out. But it's so, so important because

“I think UC Crohn's and colon cancer kind of all go hand in hand and you would never”

want to be diagnosed with something even worse than you already have. So keep up with your colonoscopies,

avoiding stress becomes stressful sometimes. Yeah. Do you have to be careful with your diet or is

“not not related? I don't. Other people do. UC and Crohn looks different for every single person.”

It's very unpredictable. Like they tell you in the beginning when you're really, really sick. Don't eat spicy foods, seeds, nuts, alcohol, coffee. All the things you think would upset your stomach.

But luckily for me, I do consume those things and I am okay, but it took time. When I first got sick,

I said I was on the all-white diet, bread, mashed potatoes, rice because I was so scared to eat something that would upset me. But I was just living in fear. Yeah. And is this something you bonded with Yasuo for? She has Crohn's. So it's so funny. There's this book called The Body Keeps the Score. Yes. And Yasuo and I were talking about it one day and I said, wait a second, why have you read that book? She said, why have you read that book and that's the moment that we

found out. Does that really help being friends with someone who, fully understands? 100% because they get when you're having a bad day. I don't know if I can speak for everybody, but it affects my mood. Of course. If I'm not feeling good, I'm kind of a bitch. And it's not just because I want to be mean to everyone around me. My body is biting itself every single day and it's frustrating for me

“mentally to explain that to everybody. So Yasuo's just got it. I mean, to say that you have to”

manage your stress carefully. The last year for you must have been really challenging. Not only you winning Love Island, which of course that must be exciting, but it's super stressful as well, I imagine. Yeah. But you're then struggling to relocate to the UK and there's all sorts of visa issues and you can't work. Yeah. How did you manage that stress effectively? I think that being sick kind of taught me a lesson that was a bit valuable in this time in my life now, when I was

sick, I had to stop and do nothing. When I didn't have a visa, I had to stop and do nothing. To somebody like me, that's devastating. I hate doing nothing. I feel unproductive, but there's also value in doing nothing and taking a step back and waiting for good things to come. So that's kind of what I had to do. I had no choice. As much as I wanted to work in this country, I couldn't, but I would have set my ass back to America. You know, during those months where I was

waiting to get up, my visa approved, I kind of just tried to enjoy the time that I had, because now

“my life is crazy. I don't have a day to sit and do nothing, so I appreciate the times that I did.”

I think that's so wise. And that was going to be one of the things I asked you that although we would all wish to take this burden from me, I wonder if your illness is taught you something and it sounds like it's taught you that. 100% getting 6 so young, you gotta take something out of it. It can't just be a failure. I learned a lot about myself and went to slow down and it doesn't

always have to be go, go, go, go. Rest is also rewarding. Yes, and you don't need to earn rest. Correct.

For it to be valid. I love a good rot day. Oh, so do I. Those are my favourite days like the week. Tony, I had one yesterday. You have your UK visa. Do you like it here? Okay, your favourite thing and your least favourite thing. This is my first winter in seven years. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's been a rough one so soon. I'm trying out today though. Yeah, but that's been so much rain. It's rained every day on the 26th. I feel so embarrassed on

behalf of the UK. I thought I liked rain because I lived in Miami around all the time. That was a great thunderstorm, cozy afternoon. But now I have to go out and do things and it drives me absolutely

insane. But what I love about this country is the love that they've given me. I never thought I

would be accepted by a home other nation. Of course, there's people that don't like me, but like a majority of it is love that I never could have imagined. When people see you out and about, what do they mostly say to you? I get all sorts of different things. Some people just ask for a picture. Do you like baked beans yet? No. Okay. Have you tried Marmite? Oh, no. That doesn't even sound then. Crumpets. We have them in America. I don't know if you do Tony. We do. Well, I don't know if

it's like an English muffin. No. You see. This is a debate. I have with my American friends. There are things marketed in American grocery stores that claim to be trumpets. But they bear no resemblance to a British trumpet. So I need you today to go out and try like a war Britain's trumpet. And the key is that you need to toast it more than you think. Do you? And then

removed butter, slice of cheddar, flakes of salt. Okay. I'm here for that. Oh, so delicious. I'm actually Santa Vases. And if you're in a sweet mood, I mean, I don't do sweet on-crumpets, but certain people do jam. Just like an apricot jam and butter. Deal. Okay. Fine. Come back to me once you've tried that. Do you like the, do you like the king? Do you like the raw family? I don't really know that. Hopefully one day I meet them. I do not. I've been so busy

that I guess I haven't had time to catch up on culture. Okay. My management team and I want to do like a Tony the tourist series. But I tried to do it. And then I got swarmed by people.

“So it's not that easy. I bet. Have you ever been on the top level of a double doubt?”

No. So I want to do things like that. Yes. I want to be a tourist in my own city. We need to make it happen. You know, there's times late at night when you're scrolling and you see something online that you've been looking for and you just need to buy it right there and then you click on the link. You add it to cart before hitting check out. But then that's sinking feeding. As you realise, you don't have your card anywhere here and don't want to get out of bed.

But that's when you see it. That purple pay button that has all of your information saved, making checking out as simple as a quick tap of your screen. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and has so many benefits. You can set up your own design studio. You Shopify's AI tools that write product descriptions and even enhance your product photography. You can get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you.

Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. See fewer cards go abandoned and more sales. Don't sign up for your one pamper month trial today at shopify.co.uk/fail. Go to shopify.co.uk/fail. We're Maly and Tom and we're getting married. At a finding love on Lov Island we are now navigating real life and wedding planning. On nearly where it's we share

their honest highs, lows and the chaos of getting hitched. From budgets to guest list to family dramas and the things are no one prepares you for. We'll have new episodes every Tuesday so make sure to subscribe to Nalywaids on YouTube. And listen wherever you get your podcasts. Mama, this is the biggest love on. Hmm, this? What? And so creamy. Hey, we can then pop that creamy sign. Nutella. What if I'm mama's and for a pop I'll

believe. Nutella is Nutella. Your second failure is having horrible dating habits before meeting

care. That's for now. Sure. Let's go up to the beginning. Okay, what are some of the worst

“dates you've ever been on? I think there was a lack there of of dates. Yeah. You said you were”

popular in high school and you were dating an older guy. Yeah. So was it just that you weren't being quoted. You were in relationships. We weren't dating. Correct. Okay. That relationship I was talking about earlier was like my only kind of real relationship. And he was a couple years all of a me. He was in college in another state. And it was just kind of toxic. I think I'm a very anxiously attached person. And obviously we didn't live in the same place. And he wasn't giving

me as much energy as I needed. I was always going to see him. I would stay with him and his football

friends in a dirty apartment and use my only free time to be with him. Yes. And I was exhausting myself and lying to my family, which put a wedge between me and my parents. I think later on in college I chose bad guys again who weren't necessarily seeing me for my value. It was kind of like hook up culture, not respecting myself. It was dark. I work so hard in every other aspect of my life, but then dating I kind of just settled for less. And why do you think that was? I'm still trying to

figure it out. All of these past habits are kind of coming back now that I am in a good relationship.

“And I think being in your first healthy relationship kind of brings up darker parts of yourself.”

You didn't acknowledge until now. I always questioned why I was arguing with my partners. Was it

because they were treating me like shit or was it because I wasn't as secure in myself as I thought I was? Tony, I relate so deeply to what you're saying and that's so true that when you're in a relationship

because there's a degree of pain that comes with acknowledging what you used to accept. Correct.

“And there's also that fear that it's all too good to be true. I totally get it. You're speaking to”

someone who I was in long-term relationships in the age of 19 to 35. I got married to the wrong person, got divorced when I was 35. And then was a single woman dating in her late 30. Yeah. And I'm now

married again to an amazing man who I met online. And it took me a really long time to trust in the

goodness of it. How long was that in between your marriages? Wait, so it got divorced age 35, met Justin 39, so four years. Squeeze in another relationship. Good turn around time. And I remember a therapist giving me a great advice saying it's time. There'll be one day when you feeling anxious that he had this other relationship with this other person and feeling jealous and all those things that will fall by the wayside because you've had more time together. Yeah.

And yours and cash is relationship is so deep, but actually it hasn't been that long. Not at all.

“Really and so much has happened in that. And I think people expect so much from us that it's like,”

in what world do you meet somebody six months ago, even less than that, and they're moving in together. Yes. If that was one of your friends and she met a guy six months ago and she told you I'm moving in with him. What would you say to her? Don't exactly. Yes. But I hear it all the time. Why don't you live together? When are you getting married? Yeah. Why don't you see each other's family more? There's so much pressure. And we're just trying to find our feet. Where do you get

you reassurance from? Of course it's nice to hear compliments or words of affirmation. But I think one of my lovely languages is quality time. Yes. I don't need a vacation. I just like to be together. Yes. It really puts my mind at ease, but I am working on being more secure in myself to where I don't have to ask for anything. It's so hard, isn't it? I hate being alone,

which I've never ever experienced prior to going on the show. That's because you were no

any child, so that's really interesting to me. I'm an only child. I've lived away from home since I was 17 years old. I loved a long time until the show. So what do you think that's about? It was a fashion therapy in a way because then suddenly you're in a bedroom with 20 people. Right. You're never alone. Yeah. But eight weeks I was never alone and like I don't know how many days it takes to build a habit. There's a statistic out there somewhere, but it's definitely eight weeks. I would

sleep alone all the time in Vegas and why I'm in Connecticut, but then I never slept alone. When I was on that show coming out, I was with cash every single day. Not to mention I don't have a huge support system here. It's a lot my darling. Yeah. I've been through a lot and it's difficult as well because we all as the viewing public saw quite on quote the happy ending. Yeah. And so there's probably that pressure to live out everyone else's expectations of happiness.

“I think I'm going against the grain in that sense, especially with social media. I've kind of”

proven that you don't have to post every day to remain relevant. If you post moments that you're proud of, something worth speaking about, people will still be engaged. I think that I've said this before I really really struggled to get on board with the whole social media thing. It wasn't my remote interest before going on the violin, but I kind of had no choice. But still to this day, I don't post perfectly polished moments. I post what's real. Of course, there's dinner parties

and trips and free stuff, but at the same time I'm a human being. Yeah. I really remember the video you posted saying you hadn't been able to work and you were struggling to get a visa and it was so uncurated and so real and definitely part of the reason that we all love you. And you went

from having 3,000 Instagram followers to now almost a million. It's like that's on hand. It's crazy.

Yeah. Like it was just so shocking to me. Not having a phone for that long and then getting my phone back, not to mention my phone number was somehow in my Instagram bio, the entire time I was on the show. There was like a contact button. So when I turned my phone back on after eight weeks, I had to take the SIM card out. It didn't stop ringing for days. Strangers just calling me. Oh my goodness. Do you have any celebrity slotting into DMs?

email audience. I think it's crazy. Yeah. I'm reaching the right girls in the gaze. But yeah, that was a crazy as part, especially after our ID shoot. Oh my gosh. The iconic ID shoot, the big three, the past together, styled in such a brilliant way that was so antithetical to how we were used to seeing love island contestants. Yeah. It was, I, it lives in my head rent free

“that shoot. People still come up to us every single day. I think the post has almost 30 million views”

on it. Do you have it frame somewhere in your apartment? I'm working on it. Okay. You're still working on decorating? Can I ask you a little bit about your childhood and how you were raised? Because so often when we are actually attached, it stems from something that we've experienced. So I've become familiar with your mother because she came along a while and denied, again, was totally obsessed with her Leslie. But you grew up with a mom and a dad. Kind of. Okay. I have an

iffy relationship with my father. Okay. And I think that is where a lot of my dating issues

come from. Yeah. I really don't talk about it. People always ask me to talk about my dad and I never

do. Okay. It's hard because our relationship has been so back and forth for so long and prior to the show, it was kind of at its lowest. I didn't tell him I was going on. I don't know how he found out, probably from some Facebook post somewhere that his daughter was on an international

“television show. But I'm working on repairing that. I think a lot of the times I don't forgive”

people once it gets to a certain point. And the same way how I have it for given him it reflects into relationships with men or friends. Like I cut people off and that's it. Yes. I understand that. Has he met Cash? No. Okay. I haven't seen him in three years. Okay. Thank you for sharing that. Yes. I'm sorry that you carry that. It's kind of a patched up wound. Yes. Like I don't sit here and cry about it anymore. I may have used to. I think it's so strong of you

to be addressing that now and to understand the link. Yeah. And to be able to work on that so that you're no longer paying the price for someone else's mistake. Correct. I don't blame myself. Good. I was a kid after all. His only kid. Both of my parents only child. So like I don't know when I have kids one day, I want to put all the love I have in my heart to them. Because I don't want to have the same relationship with them that I did my parents.

How is your relationship with Leslie? No. She drives me nuts. She drives me absolutely insane but I love her to pieces and she's probably the most supportive person I could ever imagine. She screams my name from the rooftops. What I have advised start to make a tick-tock account prior to the show? No. Over my dead body. But it happened and it worked out for her and I think kind of won the public over. She spoke for me when I couldn't speak for myself. People love her.

Yes. How she always shouted your name for the rooftop? 100%.

Yeah. And she was the person. She came into the middle and she was like,

“you need to pay attention to this man and thank him and a very moving strange I thought.”

Is she still his number one fan? Oh my God. Yes. Can do no wrong in her eyes. Okay. That's how I'm like, okay. Maybe just adopt him because she loves him. Have any of your dysfunctional exes been in touch with you since you won the show? No. The one that I was speaking about earlier has the type of peep. Oh, that means that he's definitely seen it. It's cool. Yeah. Everyone is seen it. Like I'm definitely

the most famous person to come out of Newington Connecticut. My parents went to the same high schools meet. It's a very, very small town. Okay. Nobody ever leaves. I bet you've made the front page of that newspaper again, multiple times over. It's funny because I've lived in so many different places. So people in Connecticut have given me recognition. I've done interviews with my college in Florida. People in Vegas have recognized me like, I thought I could escape it when I went to America.

It follows me. Have you made up with Cashis brother and sister? Oh, yeah. That's just something

I really need to ask for my brother and sister. I've never noticed anything about this one. No,

not you, but the public, they always ask me this. Like, do they still hate you? I think people forget that they were also viewers of the show. They only see 45 minutes to an hour, a day of 24 hours. They're very tight knit that family and he is their protector. If anyone had a sibling

the situation, they're younger than me. They're both 20. They're twins. And I think that they were defending the person who defended them their whole lives. And I've seen them numerous times. I've met his whole family before and no one holds a grudge because they know me in real life. It's lovely hearing. You talk about that. It was really lovely seeing how close their bond was on screen and how cash clearly is their protector. But it was also really lovely seeing your ownership and

accountability and your understanding of their closeness and your respect for it. When you look back on your love-inerative experience prior to cash, when you look back at the Harrison of all, I'm sorry to bring his words. It's okay. In this lovely spring, the month will call and hold the voice. Do you think that was the death rattle of your bad dating decisions? 100%.

Never again. But I was repeating old unhealthy patterns because I didn't know any better.

I've mentioned this before as well. I kind of needed him to stay in the game. Yes. If Harrison wasn't there, I would have had nobody. Yes, I was stupid and I went back one too many times, but if I didn't go back, I would have been gone. I wouldn't have made it to the final. I wouldn't have met cash. Harrison kept me in long enough to get me to cash or more in meat cash. Yeah. It's that idea of fate again. Also, probably quite nice that he stayed in the game and

you have by the final. This control experiment of what could have been. Yeah.

“I think of the fact that you were with cash, who would said that he loved you the night”

for the final when there were no cameras. He must just thought, oh, thank goodness. I dodged a bullet still to this day. I believe that viewers love a redemption arc. If all of that didn't happen, I'm not sure we would have won. Yes. It was such a good story line for television. I wasn't doing it for that, but it made the show what it was and it showed lessons for young girls. It showed dating patterns in modern society like it showed what it is

like when you are with someone who really loves you and how rewarding that is. So it's not a total failure. We dodge the bullets and we can be grateful for them too. Yeah. Hey there. I'm Kendra Adachi and my show The Lazy Genius Podcast. Helps you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't

“and you get to decide what matters. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to give you”

a new way to see. Episodes of The Lazy Genius Podcast are full of compassionate time management tips and permission slips to do what makes sense for you. New episodes drop every Monday. Follow and listen to The Lazy Genius Podcast on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. Your final failure is that sometimes you fail to be kind to yourself. I do. Oh, totally. So you say here that you tend to be your own biggest critic. So do you have this

constant in a hater who's I wouldn't say hey, they would be critic. I don't hate myself but I want to be the best at everything I do. That also ties into why I wasn't posting because I kind of hold myself to a certain standard. If it's not something that I would want to

consume as a viewer, I'm not going to post it. Basically our job as influencers is to sell

things to people. If it's not good enough for me, I'm not going to sell it to you in that sense. But then it's hard because hate gets to me, which answers are I that already thought worse

“of myself. Wow. You know? Yeah, I do know. How does overnight fame affects that?”

I think it puts everything under a magnifying glass. I read every single comment. It doesn't matter how many there are. It's like I almost look for validation for the negative things I think about myself already. Yes, when I know things aren't true and they come at them, it's like, oh, whatever I brush it off. But like if you tell me my nose is big, I've known this my whole life. You're reassuring the things I already thought about myself in it hurts or in the

beginning when I wasn't 100% sure that cash liked me because of my dating history. When a million people are telling you he doesn't like you. He was just with you to get to the end this that in the third. It just reassures all of the negative things I already thought about myself in my relationship.

For the record, you have an exquisite nose. Thank you. I've never once lived in this big.

Whatever. Thank you. It's cash good for you in terms of handling all of that. 100%

He always tells me don't read the comments, don't read the comments. I don't know why I can't stop.

Do you have strategies for managing it that you're introducing? I'm trying. This is also new to me. When I was thinking of these failures, it was kind of hard for me because I feel like they're all pretty recent. I hate talking about failing. Actually, what we talk about when we talk about failure, we talk about growth and understanding ourselves and every single one of your failures, what I appreciate about them is that they reflect who you are. You're so real in what you choose to

share and that is a kind of superpower. I can't even sit here and lie to you. This last six months has probably been one of the hardest of my entire life. I'm sorry. Mentally, socially, I'm trying to get used to being here. I can't just go walk outside and join myself. All of the things that I used to be able to do, if I was having a bad day, aren't as accessible to me anymore. Whether that's even just sitting on the couch with my friends, my friends aren't here.

Yeah. Or making friends is kind of hard for me right now because I don't trust people. Yes. I trust cash. I trust your care and Jasmine. But we're all busy. So I'm just trying to regain.

“I think the confidence that I've lost in the last couple of months. Yeah, I say I've gained”

confidence in the sense that I can go out without makeup and this, that and the third, but I'm still doing things that scare me every single day. And as you say, there's a loneliness

that that you're not familiar with. Correct. I've never felt this lonely. Oh, Tony. It's sad.

But at the same time, I kind of do it to myself because don't get me wrong. I could call my friends more. I don't like, I don't want to say burden them. But I don't like to sit here and say, what was me because there are so many amazing things going on with my life right now. And I know that all of my friends back home are still working, waitressing jobs and working their asses off the same way how I was. So I don't want to brag. I don't want to sound

“in grateful when I'm like boo, who my life is so hard. But it is. Do you feel that it's a weak”

ness to admit that you're not doing? Yeah, definitely. Um, I want to act like I'm okay. Yeah. But it's been hard. You are worth a grown-up love that makes you feel safe and secure. And you are worth the love that we are showing you on mass as the general public. And that probably feels so unfamiliar and difficult. It is for sure. And I think I pour all of the love that I have into other people. Yeah. Sometimes I forget to give it to myself. Yes. But you're worthy of your

own love too. I know. And I'll learn that. But this is all still so fresh to me. Yeah. At the same

time, this is the most crucial point of my career to position myself in a way that it's long lasting.

And I'm not just known for love Island. Like I want my voice to be heard by the masses. Not people who only watch a dating show. Preach. What do you want to do next? What is the goal? I want to take my pajamas job. I mean, I love my drama, but I want that would be brilliant. It's not even necessarily her job, but I want to go into presenting. And when I see myself in those situations, it just makes me realize how much I'm capable of. How old are you? 25. You're so young. And you

have such a wise head on your shoulder. Thank you. And kids. Yeah. I am not surprised that you are dealing with all of these feelings at 25. Your 20s are such a cluster of the best of times. Yeah. But when you go on love Island and end up winning it, I can't even imagine how amplified that is. So you are doing brilliantly. And you are exactly where you need to be. What advice would you give to pre-love Island Tony? There's this guy at the pool on his honeymoon. And he's like, "Have

you ever heard of Love Island UK?" And you agreed to go on it. What advice would you give her now? I don't think there is advice that you can give anybody before going on love Island.

“I think I did it the best way possible, blindly, with no expectations. No idea of what was to come.”

Not even what I would tell myself, but what I would tell anybody, not just about going on love Island. If you want to move to a new country, if you want to start a new job, do it. Final question. You were top sales in your former job as a Kabanawatris.

Oh my, I'm advice. Because it's the best of both worlds. Half strawberry,

“dacri, half pinicolada, extra rom on top. Because now I'm like kind of half British half American.”

Love it. And there's a little bit of mischief in there too. Yeah, that's for sure. Tony,

thank you so, so much for coming all out of fail. That felt like a good vent session.

“I'm so glad that's what we're here for. You were amazing.”

Thank you.