Angie Martinez IRL - Tashera Simmons on DMX: How Strong Women Lose Themselves In Love

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Today's episode is brought to you by Boost Mobile. My girl was in the room for it all.

The number one albums sold out tours, the lows that the public never saw.

She is the ex-wife of hip-hop icon DMX. And for the first time, she's telling me the full story, hers or childrens, and she's telling the story in her new documentary, ex-versus Earl, the Simmons family speaks. Please welcome to Shira Simmons.

“I'll try to remember meeting you for the first time.”

And I don't remember the exact first time, but I just remember, I remember the early days of ex-gushing about you on the radio. He was very much my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife. Your love was so, um, I don't know, just a big part of his life. Yeah, it was pure, I feel, and unique, especially coming into industry like this.

Oh, there's so many questions I have for you. But like, so when I was like, I really want to talk to her more, but we were at recently at Earl's funeral. And you got up to speak, uh, and I had never seen you speak publicly, like I've seen you on the reality shows and things like that.

But in that moment, I just had such a sense of your faith. You talked about being young with X and the two of you, meeting Earl for the first time and him doing everything he said he was going to do by X and, um, or Earl, as you say. I know. I'm sorry.

I don't know.

Yeah, you never call him X, never call him X, yeah.

You really, it was really a beautiful moment. Wow. Yeah.

“And your words, I think the whole room, it meant a lot to the whole room.”

And that was a very challenging time for me, because I don't know if I got emotional, but, um, Irv was the beginning of a life-changing moment in me and Earl's life. And, um, after dealing with so much fake, uh, X being a sign with Columbia, you know, finally, we was excited about it. It's one single and being dropped and Irv coming.

I felt to the rescue, me and X was in the hood, I'm going to call him X. Yeah. We went to hood and Irv came and, um, he already had met, um, you know, X before that,

and they were already just doing some things, but, um, I was always very skeptical about

everybody, because I was the one paying a lot of the bills, you know, X was bringing, you know, he had his side job and selling his mix tapes and doing constructions, just because I was like, I need help. We have a son. So he already had a son and he wasn't, he wasn't X yet.

No, he was, uh, developing, uh, before we had our son, uh, went out to a few battles. One was with Jay-Z and the other one was 50. Yeah, and a couple others that, uh, kind of was out there. He told me it was about when we first met, he was telling me about red man. Mm-hmm.

Um, and that was they were in jail together and shared a cell and just about that whole situation, but, um, so he'd been trying to do this for a while. Yeah.

And I'm like, it's not paying the bills.

Like those tapes that you selling is not, you know, covering everything. And he said, not, mess somebody that believes in me. He's already up at a label and he's coming through. And, um, he's going, you know, he, well, he said, he called it through.

“I think I talked about this at the funeral.”

Yeah. He came through with Jay and like, dronimo. To the house? He came to I pulled up at that house. We're living at the same time.

Yeah. We was living in more regardless in y'all, because it's the projects. And, um, earth pulled up in the MPV and John, Mike Dronimo jumped out. They were really young. Looking then, um, she, um, earth was big belly.

You know, he was kind of real stocky. And, um, I was like, and it kind of looked at beat up the van. So I was like, I was like, oh, man. And I got him like, you know, this is these, these, these do say real. Like, they're not going to take us nowhere.

And it's like, you know, never judge a book by its cover.

So Charles was a general. Our rule wasn't general rule. It was Jeffrey. He was Jeffrey I guess. And, um, they was excited to meet another MC from y'all because they heard it. I'm going to show you heard about the name, because X was everywhere. Battle in different barrels, um, I mean, he put that work in to get where he was.

You guys are how old, first of all. I just had Xavier. So I had to been about 22 or 21 and me and Irvers like the same age.

“I think age might, I mean, he might have been one year old.”

You know, the kids already, right? No, we just had Xavier at the time. It was our first child, um, we had just got to the apartment. But it was in a basement apartment. So Irvers, I mean, the funniest he came in and it was, it was real.

Like, you had, it was a basement apartment that, um, we literally had to walk through the, like, look like a grimy steps. And it wasn't slipping. Actually, Earl, like we did that, that, um, video in that apartment. Oh, it's slipping, it's slipping video. And it was shut down.

We had about what else are ready. They shut the apartment down. But they opened it back up because X's X density was like, oh, no problem. But when we, when he walked through, like, to open our door was like a little jugg. So, like, Earth would tell this story all the time. He was like, yo, like, when X blew up, it was like,

from the dirty, crimy basement to the, what the bends to this, like that. Like, you, but it was, but it was real, though, because he saw it. He saw it. But when you walked in our apartment, X was up. Artists. So he painted the apartment so nice, um, like with stripes, like a black and gray stripes. And there was a fan that was hanging off the, off the pipes that I was all, like, air conditioning.

It was crazy. But we were happy. It was, it was dope. And we didn't know what to expect. Like, when Earl was saying yo, like, I'm telling you, there's no talent. Like, you from the streets is what we need. Like, he would be telling, like, and he'll just be sitting in an apartment, like, just listening, you know what I'm saying? And Earl was so hopeful and excited. Like, he, like, he knew what was about to happen before we did.

And he was like, yo, this is all temporary. Don't be so temporary. And I was like, you know, just sitting there, like, yeah, I've heard this before. And we've already been let down before. So, and in mind, you, he, he pulling up in the MPV. I'm like, the, the people that's going to make it happen

wasn't impressed. Yeah. And, um, you know, Earl, Earl believed, Earl, but, you know, he was like, you could show me better than like, you could tell me. And he's like, I am. All right, guys, today's show is brought to you by our presenting sponsor, Hard Rock, Bet, Florida Sportsbook. And listen, it is 20 times. That means there are some brackets to fill out. So, join me in the volume bracket contest presented by Hard Rock bet. The grand prize winner scores

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And, let's get the parlay started every day. Who are you at X at the time? Like, so you guys have been together for, at that point for, we met it. Well, okay, so we met when we 11 years old. We got together with a 17, which was 1988. And then we got married 10 years later in 1998. Wow. So, the first 10 years was a struggle. But we was happy. We were connected. We understood each other. What was the love? What was the connection? Like, now that you're older and you know about

more things, then you can kind of analyze that. What do you think that that connection was? I wanted to be honest with you. I think it was a trauma bond. Because I was a bandit as a kid. He was a bandit. In a sense, you know, put in a group home at 7. So, when we first met,

he thought I was from the other side. Because I, you know, always worked and, you know, dressed nice.

So, I was totally out of, like, what the type of women eat. Well, little girl, young girls. And he would mess with it. So, he couldn't believe that I liked him. But when we started to talk more until our story, which was happened like the first night to be honest with you. But, um, yes, a trauma bond. Trauma bond. So, you have been a bandit. You had been a bandit. Yep. Trying to figure it out. And then, what does that look like? Does somebody who doesn't even know

“what trauma bond is? Because I think people still are experiencing that. What is that? You know,”

now better. I know you've done a lot of work on yourself. And yeah, um, somebody that has been through intense her in pain as a child. Um, that is very different from what everybody else is dealing with. Everyone around us had mothers and fathers or maybe a single, but at least they had a parent. No money. No parents. No parents. Scraps. Scraps. Looking for scraps for food to eat. Um, working Burger King because we are young. And I was like, I'm gonna shop right in Burger King at the

time. Or I was robbing. That was his thing with his dog. But, um, and I was told to stay away from him from the neighbor. You know, the people in the neighborhood like, you know, he's no good. He's gonna take, you know, he's dangerous. But when I met him, I didn't see that. I saw someone who was like me. Um, and we understood each other. And then on top of that, he was, he believed in God. And

I was a Muslim at the time. And I wasn't really seeing because of the religion. Women are always,

you know, separated from the men and Earl saw me from the first day he saw me. He saw me before us on myself. Saw you how he saw my heart was pure. He saw that. Even though I've been through the same trauma that he had been through, I still had love. And he didn't have that. He used to tell me, my heart can get real ugly. Because I used to say, you're so good. Like, why, like, why people say what they say about you, just so nice to me. And I would see the switch then. Like, but it's hard

there's a gift that God has given me to always see the good in people, no matter how,

“that might, yeah, how dark they are. And that's to a fault to be honest with you. I've kind of hit my”

bumps. You know, God hurt a lot from that. But I don't want to allow people's, you know, actions to change who I am. But yeah, he's the first person who saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. And he was able to identify that because of something that he didn't have at the time. He was, he was bitter. He was very bitter. He probably gave him hope because if he sees somebody who's been through what he's been through and you're so bright

and you're working too jobs and your spirit is like, you said, yeah, he probably looked at you, like, good, like, I don't know. Yeah, no, I just gave him hope. No, you're right. And he said that, but I still didn't get it then. Like, he was just like, you're, you're something good in my life. I mean, no exaggeration, like, because he lived with his manager at the time in the years shell. I went and stayed with him and it was like no sexual like I'll back then such a

different time. Like sex was not like, I feel like girls just from my hair for myself as I give it up faster. Like back then it was like, I'm a virgin and I'm trying to keep myself. Yeah, I'll come over and say tonight, we could have fun. Like it was so 80s. Like it was innocent. Yeah, and he wasn't even trying either. He just was like, I'll make you some French toast in the morning. I make real good French toast. And we like talked all night. And I like, like, he, I know I fell in

love with him that night, but I was afraid to even step in that space. But he said to me, that night, and he, he talked about this. I don't know if you could find footage because he said in some of his interviews, but he said, you know, you're going to be my wife. And I said, listen, like, you're really trying hard right now to get this pussy. And I'm not giving up. So, but I was like, this, no way that he's going to tell me I'm being his wife.

“And I only knew you for a week. But is it that saying about like a man knows what he wants?”

When he, when he, when he first, when he first meets the woman, and he wants to marry.

Why did you start seeing, when did you first start seeing signs that there was darkness there? Did it take a while or not? It didn't take long, but for some reason that was my good girl's like, man, guys, um, I looked at it. First, when I first saw it was, um, he, uh, you know, he, he, he, he hurt people to get money. You know, like, when I say hurt people, I kill them, but, um, he was robbing people. You know, he's robbing people. He's all talking about it. Yeah, exactly

things that he talked about. He put him to sleep. I mean, he used to show me how he used to do it. I was so exciting, because back then, I think we have like four or five channels or just starting to get cable vision. So it was like, and I didn't have it. So hearing his stories was like exciting, like him and his friend used to set, like, set people up, like, like they all have friends for that with girls and bring guys from that was a thing back then. Like, if you're not from our hood or

even our burrow, like bring them in. So we could rob them. Like, you know, say it, so he would come back and be telling me the stories. And I'd be so excited. And, um, like, wow, you really did that. You're so cool. Like, you're strong. You're strong. You know, he's classic. Travelling. Collette has dropped.

“Exactly like that. And I look back now, but that's what's slipping was inspired by because”

we broke up for a year, because once I had Xavier, because mind you, this is all this was happening way before Xavier. And then, um, when I had Xavier, I was like, wait, something turned on, I like turned on in me, but it didn't too much for him. What was the light? The child. What, what, what happened to you? Like, all changed about you.

Well, first of all, the Beatles and I was talking about this in my book is that, um, I didn't want any

kids because I was abandoned as a kid. I'm the oldest of the seven. And I basically took care of them. So I told them I don't want any kids. So when I got pregnant, I tried to get rid of, I tried it everything. I went on roller coasters, hot baths. Whenever they said that you could do miscarry, and it didn't work. And um, then when I found out it's a little girl, because I was getting too big, like not too big, but I was like starting a show. I told them and he was so excited. Like jumping

for joy and I was like, what are we going to do in a kid? Like, you rob people. Like, you don't even have a legit job. I was like, yeah, I have a job, but it's like, we can't afford a kid. And he was like, no, I'm going to make it happen. I'm telling you, and it actually, it did change him. I saw him wanted to be more responsible, but it was just, he said, it's just so easy. It's so easy to take. It's so easy to, these, these, just suck at, because like he was just really like that kind of and I was like,

having to live for someone else, like before was just all about me and Earl really. And I'm like,

“he grown, like, you know, I thought he was grown. Like, I was only 20 something years old, but I felt very”

old, um, but you had lived the life for me. I had lived a long, hard life. And then this baby came, and I was just like, wow, like, he's so helpless. And then it kind of took me back to my childhood, where I was abandoned and my parents didn't really, you know, they, they did them, had to fend for myself and my siblings. And I was like, I don't want this baby to have to go through that. I want to love and, and make a change with this baby. And it was the conversations

me and him used to have. And he was like, we're going to do that. He was like, you got to stop, like, you got to stop it because I don't want somebody to try to do that to you or to me now, because I'm now we're getting up in age. You're not really. I'm like, we're only like,

22. He's like, we're getting old. Yeah, we get it. Oh, like, I'll be looking back now for,

like, I've lived three lifetimes. You told me how this would be. You could relate. I'm totally kidding. But, well, everyone needs to take care of their mental health, even running back

“to be John Robinson. When I'm on the field that filmed the pressure, usually just take a”

deep breath. When I was breathing and seeing what's in front of me, everything just slows down. It just makes it feel great before I run the play. Just like these aren't, we all need a strong mental game on and off the field. Make a game playing for your mental health. I love your mind playbook, that org. Love your body. Brought to you by the Huntsman Mental Health Foundation, the author in Blank Family Foundation, and the ad Council. Hola, I'm Chris Dan Chavez, host of the new podcast

of Swared I Love. In each episode, I try to just something radically simple to build a heart to heart connection with my guests. I talk with people who have shaped me and inspired me, like it in Dribarra, Marion Pramers, or Maite Perromi. You'll hear conversations about fashion, relationships, HIV, as well as inspiring stories from the LGBTQ+ community. And so, much more. Listen to Sweltalope on iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or whatever you get your podcast.

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Listen to this podcast will kill you as part of the exactly right network on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Wow. Yeah, so that was it. It was a big change. So when did you see I don't know when did you start thinking this this might not be healthy. This relationship might not be healthy. Like when did you start to

understand that? I started to understand that a year in with Xavier. So that was 1993. Like again, I just wasn't that girl anymore. Because there was one time before I had Xavier where this guy was trying to talk to me. I was working at a bank and he was flashed his money to try to get me to date him. I told Earl and we set him up.

her way. It was my way I was. But you know, I feel like, you know, I'm sure a lot of people

“out there could relate to this. So that's why I'm just being so brutally honest about that.”

And you know, like I said, they put him to sleep. They took his money. He woke up in a cab. But no money to do it. And he went home. And he said, you know, he didn't know what happened. And he worked with me. So what did you got back to next day? He said, what happened? I said, I wrote, I jumped out the cab. Like some guys or whatever. Like, you know, and we laughed about it. Me accent is best right. And um, these are the things that that I was totally, you know, broken.

Coming from, you know, feeling like no one loves me. Surviving, surviving. I mean surviving. And once I had my son, I was just like, we got to start growing up now. This is not cool. So in 93, I can't remember what year because there was it. He slowed it down. He slowed it down. But then, we broke up because he started like messing around with drugs, which had no idea about, I was very clueless about like a bunch of drugs users look like or their actions. And um, he told me

because he was disappearing for like two and three nights. And um, I thought he was cheating on me.

“And he said, I have to talk to one night and never forget he had a hood on. He said, meet me.”

He just called my phone. It's all cell phones. He called my house phone. He said, can you meet me on Ludlow, which is a street in August. He was sitting on a seat, took a cab, a chair. I mean, a stoop. And he said, I have to tell you something. I was already, you know, you're cheating. Like, you know, found somebody else. And he was like, I wish, not now he said, wish, but he was just like, no, it was not really like that. He was like, you know, I've been using drugs. I was giving drugs

when I was a little kid. I'm a wooly. I older man did this, you know, put it in my weed. I didn't know about it. I had no idea. I've been craving for it. And every time I get a little cash or I feel a little down because I'm not getting my head where I want to be, I just use and I go on a bench. And I had this whole notebook on like, this is how we're going to beat this drug. And I told them what's it's about your downfalls. Um, you know, how can I help? And, you know, I actually feel good about

this same this now because I gave my all every step of every piece of that relationship to try to help when it came to that drug. We started calling it crack. It was crack. It was crack. It was crack.

And um, I used to call it my second wife because I felt like the love, like, there, well, one

“one thing I learned throughout our relationship. And that's why sometimes I don't really call”

a mix because I fell in love with Earl. I met Earl, not many people know who Earl is. They think they do, but they have no idea. The more he started to grow, he's turned into DMX because that was the artist and him. That was the man who wanted to be heard. He knew that God gifted him with a talent. He came up with his, his rhymes. And I mean, like, bars, I've went, seeing him going with the greats. And go in and go out. Was a late, wrote his, his joint left. It was a gift. And he, he needed

to be seen. And DMX came alive when Earl came in his life when his career took off. But then

X came. X was dark. X was always dormant. And he had access. He's had money. Then the women,

remember, when I first met him, you know, I'm sure, I mean, he was, he, nobody wanted him. Just be totally to honest with you. Not the way he was wanted when he became famous and had money. And I'm just saying that because it's the honest, the God truth. And X was ugly. X didn't like me. X protected. He didn't like you. He did not like me because X wanted everything. And I was in a way. I can see when X came into protect Earl, because Earl was the soft, harded boy that was left in the group home.

That just wanted to be loved. That to Shara met, you probably reminded him of Earl. Yep. And he was

to come come into these different personalities. Like I could literally see it like after a show after a prayer, after he prayed after a show, he would say clear the room only for me and to Shara.

And he would cry like never before. And then, he would go. Hi, everybody in. It was a little

literally a transformation. And to be honest, I'm telling you this now, but back then, I just be like, he's so extra. So extra, because I didn't understand about multiple personalities, about trauma, and how you do, if you don't deal with it, if you don't heal from it, you just create somebody else to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, um, look at for the word.

“I can't wait. I'm fine. But like to survive to suppress. That's what I say to suppress,”

because I would get Earl when he came home. It was, it was, it was, you know, sometimes I was that due to you. I can't, like, that's why I was going to read ago. I was like, I look back now. And I'm like, how was I able to keep my mind? How did it? How did I not create different personalities to deal with the different ones that he created? And he lived in them. Like, live, he lived in them. Um, and, um, what it did to me? Well, first of all, I got a thank him.

And he knew this before he passed away. Is that, um, he introduced me to Christ. He brought me to Christ. I admired how he manifested his life, how everything that he had faith in literally took, took, took a, like, it took root. Like, it came to pass.

“And I was like, I want to do this. Oh, that's why I was going before about being Muslim. Um,”

he told me that if you believe in Jesus Christ and God, that you can be, like, you, like, you can speak. You don't have to, like, hide, like, you can be powerful, too. Like, you can be, like, we're equal. Like, and with God, there's no, I'm powerful, more powerful than you. So because of what I've been through, I was like, wow, I want to know who, I want to serve that God. And, um, it was, it was God, because had he not introduced me to God. It was God who came in my life. It was God. I know this

now. It was the Holy Spirit that made our prayer together every day, every morning, not know.

He prayed every morning. I was always afraid. I was like, you do it better. So he was just prayed.

And then you like, you got to have to pray sometime to Shiva. And it was not until our relationship blew up is where I was like, if you're really real, I need you to show you

“yourself. Because I served you and talking to God now, I've served you honestly,”

loyally, very loyal to you and look what happened. Like, look, like, he, the drugs that COVID, like, how can you let a, like, a powerful man like him be taking down like this God? And I didn't just understand, I was crying. I was upset. Like, because I was just like, I'm on a fight for this marriage, but I don't even, I mean, X has totally taken over. I don't even know if Earl's even in there anymore. Like, it was like the most scariest, darkest thing I've ever experienced before my life.

Wow. But God came. He came. How did he come? I think now, it was all part of the plan to be totally honest with you, because I feel like God stripped Earl out of my life, because Earl was like my God, my world revolved around him, to be totally not dead. I, like, Earl was always, you know, caught in scriptures and reading a Bible and, and I was sitting there like, and once, once God got

him removed him out my life, but it's like that's when God came in. And I remember scripture saying that we serve a jealous God. And God, obviously, have a plan for my life. And I always say this, well, people used to say that before, but now I know behind every great man is a powerful woman as

well. And I was powerful in my own right, but I never wanted to be up in the front. I always

wanted to be behind, but I wanted to be behind, because I didn't know my worth. My worth was in my marriage. My worth was in Earl, in his happiness. And what he wanted for me, everything was about him, everything was about him. Not because I was obsessed or I was now, now this me, though, the me now knows it wasn't because I was weak. It was just because I went through trauma. I was

Earl almost played to every role that you can imagine from husband, boyfriend, best friend, God.

I mean, just his protector, he was a very big protector of financial. He was never cheap.

You know, even when he was robbing, he always brought something home, so when he didn't have many women's store. Like your story is, it's definitely unique in his your own, right? But and also it's because you're connected to this big figure. And so we got to know you through that, but like the quiet women who found somebody that trauma, like trauma bond is,

“it's out here. It's out here. Strong women, grown men, but yes, so what, what did you learn about that?”

Like what could you tell me about that? Like the difference between what a trauma bond is and what what healthy love is, you probably had both. I mean, I know you love to. Yeah, and you know, okay, so I'm just, you know, the reason why I'm talking about a lot of the, I was saying negative, it's just part of the story. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And unfortunately, not unfortunately. I don't find what you're telling me negative, but actually think the story

you're telling is a beautiful one. Oh, good. I don't think, I mean, I don't know how everybody else feels like that, but I, I just see two kids who were left for dead, kind of, like, to fend for themselves. And you found each other. And yes, he fell victim to devices and to addiction. But I don't, I don't, I don't, I see it. I see the love there. I mean, I see it's unhealthy because you come from two unhealthy experiences. How could you possibly survive that together? How could

you create? How could two unhealthy situations create healthy love with no guidance, no therapy, no help, like give yourself a break. You know what I'm saying? I don't think what you're saying is negative.

“I think it's honest and it's, there's so much beauty in that. You know, and you thank you for that”

because, I don't know, I'm trying to hold back my tears, but, um, there's part of why I'm doing a documentary, a documentary. It's because, um, it's feel like it's a lot untold, feel like Earl died, but happy, unhappy, very unhappy with a broken heart. Um, misunderstood. And, um, I was so broken, um, from a lot of things that happened, um, with us in the marriage. I stayed as long as I did because I knew him. And when I say him in the world, I wanted to save Earl. I saw

the role that Earl was going down. Um, it got very unhealthy for me and it's, it's, um, in a aspect of, you know, then, you know, just starting to step out of our marriage and creating a bunch of different

families that I know that it's the first one of the first things he told me when I met him at 17th

was I come from a hole with three different fathers. When I get married, I want to have only one home because I know what that felt like. It's chaos, um, and I want to be there. Like I want to make sure that I create a solid foundation. So to see that not only he was ruining his self, but now he's creating other families that's unstable and going through trauma because as we both know as women, you know, it's, it's hard to have, you know, to, you know, far, everybody, you have

“to put work. You have to be intentional and it's possible, obviously. And you have to heal, you have”

to heal and he's never healed through all of this. I used to constantly tell him. I used to,

I almost, I lost myself in it. I mean, I almost physically mentally spiritually died because of, I wanted so much for him. I felt like he deserved to be really happy and heal. What about you? What did you deserve? Well, that's why when I go back to it was nothing but God because had God not stripped me from that relationship, that marriage, I probably been in a loony tone home because I have a very powerful call on my life. I know that now,

my voice, in my courage, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid to tell people what I've been through. How I felt, how ugly it was because I'm going to help someone to be, to keep everything all bottled up and try to wear a mask like everything is good. It's not the move. And God has given me this courage that I had from day one with Earl. It's what he saw in me that I didn't

been going on this 10-year healing journey of dying to everything that I thought the enemy told me

I was, which was worthless, only good as a wife, a loser, basically unaccomplished, unsuccessful,

because I couldn't, it's just so crazy because at the end of the day, you put your value in being a wife that could save her husband, is that, is that what I'm hearing you say again? Very much so. Yeah. Which is like when I look back now, couldn't save him. I had to really focus on myself and it's something that I had not known how to do because remember when I got, when my mom left, I put on my attention, I turned into a mom overnight at 14.

So it was all I've ever known to do. So Earl was another project for me, but I didn't realize that, but a project to get away from to Shira. And not until that marriage went left is when I

“had to really look at myself in the mirror and say you are more, I'm never forget it when we”

really finally, I realized we were really broken up. I had a calendar of just his schedule

in my two kids, no, no, four kids because I had four kids at a time, four, but one, one, three and a half because I just had my daughter. But like literally, the, the, the two yuck is the two of them were home. So I had a schedule of two kids on the calendar. After everything left, I was just like, what do I do? I went into a five-year depression. I didn't even know. I literally was a zombie. I went to sleep, slept all day. The kids got off

the bus, cooked, went back. It was a cycle that I needed to break, but it took a while. And that's why I'm like, when I look at other people who have been through trauma, and they say they're good

“after a year. Yeah, that's possible, I guess. But when you deal with real crushing trauma,”

not mind you, I had to get over, I still didn't get over the healing of my mom leaving. Then I jumped into a relationship, another trauma bond, another two broken people coming together, then we get rich. Now we don't need, now we're not wanting for anything. So how, oh, no, no, let's forget about the yes men. No one's telling him, no one is telling, no, they actually started to feed him the drugs to start to find out later on in life.

In the relationship where I had to say something to him about it. Now I'm just mind your business. And I was like, who are you? Wow. So it is, but again, here I am, Angie. Bravo. Yeah. What do you say to a young girl? I mean, you even have daughters. Like, what do you say to somebody who's in the the beginning stage of that now? Who's entering who's in a relationship? And now, you know, this generation has more verbage.

There's more information. Yeah. Because you're explaining this story. People have to understand that if, you probably didn't even know the term trauma bond back then. That all. It wasn't even a term, a familiar term. People weren't doing therapy. There was no understanding about any of that. So you're in it, you don't even know what you're in, and you're in it. Now, at least, there's some verbage that helps people understand.

But what do you say to a young woman in that space right now who's in a trauma bond relationship? Like, what have you learned? What would you do different? What should they know?

What I would tell is, what's that question is always hard for me because

this, my whole life molded me to where I am today, where, but like you said, the, the, the information wasn't there. Like right now, I've been in therapy for eight years. So that has literally changed my life. So with a, with a younger now, you know, when you see the red flags, when you, first of all, you cannot fix nobody. I will tell any, there is nothing that you can do for someone who has been broken, who's bitter, who doesn't have the right perspective for their self.

“There's no saving. There's no saving them. They can save themselves, but you have to walk away.”

You, I mean, you could create boundaries. There's something I'm just learning two years ago about boundaries. How can I say crazy? I'm 54 years old. Boundaries had none. You have to, I mean, I don't want to, I don't want to sound harsh, but what I know, what I know that I know now,

you can try to give them the best advice. I would say point them to a therapist. This is what I tell everybody. When I speak to people, when I go out and speak, they ask me,

how did I do it? I say God first. That's still not good enough for them. I say, um, because God

“is the one that's got a guidance and lead us to really need to be. So that's why I say God first.”

Everyone needs to take care of their mental health, even running back to these young robins. When I'm on the field that filmed the pressure, usually just take a deep breath. When I was breathing and seeing what's in front of me, everything just slows down. It just makes it feel great before I run the play. Just like these young, we all need a strong mental game on and off the field. Make a game playing for your mental health. I love your mind, playbook, that org. Love your body.

Brought to you by the Huntsman Mental Health Foundation, the author in blank family foundation, and the ad council. Hola, I'm Chris Dan Chavez, host of the new podcast at Swedala. In each episode, I try to just something radically simple to build a hard-to-hard connection with my guest. I talk with people who have shaped me and inspired me, like it and the river, Mariam primers,

“or might the better. You'll hear conversations about fashion, relationships, HIV, as well as”

aspiring stories from the LGBTQ+ community. And so much more. Listen to Swedala on iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast or whatever you get your podcast. Welcome, check this. I heard in TikTok have come together to create something new. I love it. We're the world of TikTok meets your playlist. Three words that will change your life. I heard TikTok radio. The biggest hits across iHeart Radio. What's trending for you on TikTok? Tell me a sound that's better than this.

Plus TikTok's most influential creators all in one place. Search for iHeart TikTok radio, make it a preset and stay connected all day. Before Bad Bunny was traveling the world and sharing Puerto Rico through his music, the podcast La Braga was telling you all about the Puerto Rican experience. We're probably what's what does that mean? And we are still here fight.

“This season we're telling stories about champions from a place worth fighting for. Stories that”

will inspire you no matter where you're from. Listen to La Braga, come pay on us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Usually on this podcast we'll kill you. We talk about the diseases, infections, and biological threats that can make us really sick. But right now we're doing something a little different. We're stepping back and looking at what the human body needs to keep going. When you consider what we know about sleep in humans,

there's one rule that comes out. We are predictably unpredictable sleepers. We're talking about why sleep works the way it does, why our bodies don't follow neat rules, and why modern life

makes rest so hard to come by. The second half of our series takes us to the digestive system

with a multi-part series on what happens after we eat. Okay, I just have to say that all of my favorite words apparently are digestive. Yeah, it's thinkder, parent stools. It's fascinating, it's funny and it matters so much more than you think. Episodes of our new series run from January 20th through February 17th with new episodes every Tuesday on the exactly right network. Listen to this podcast we'll kill you as part of the exactly right network on the iHeart Radio app,

Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you're trying to help someone else direct them to therapy, you can't be, you're not, you're not built and equipped and I don't mean that in offensive way, but this is a mental and emotional spiritual battle that you cannot handle. And I know that now, I could say that now because I realized that I was in spiritual warfare. There was so much darkness over X that I did not have a clue. I just thought that it was

because when he been through, I made every excuse in the book and at the end of the day, we only have one life and God has given us all a, um, equipped us for a plan and a purpose for life. It's uniquely made and I know that now. So you can't try to bamboozle yours because I'm trying to find a word. You can't bamboozle yours with somebody else. It's just, I mean, I would even say that for a relative, a sibling. I mean, I read, but I'm

sorry, a relative, a child. Like I'm learning now that mental illness is real and I didn't understand. I didn't know that even existed. No one talked about it. My generation, my dad's

generation. I used to try to have conversations with him about my ex-husband and he would always

give me very toxic answers. He thought I was speaking too much. Stop telling people about what's happened and start doing this is the kind of the generation advice I was getting. It would have

try to save yourself before you try to save somebody else. So a young girl, please try to save yourself first. If you even feel some kind of connection where you want to help somebody that's been through so much trauma, then you need just kind of look at yourself. To be honest with you, you got something, some, some's going on down inside you that you even feel connected to want to help that person. Yeah, you know what I mean? That is like, I get that. What about you said you learned

we learning about boundaries in the past couple of years? What does that look like? What have you learned, how are you implementing them? So, um, people don't like boundaries? I'm learning.

I'm learning that. I'm learning. I've never said no. Never. I thought that was the most

worst thing to do. Um, I don't know why that, like, I don't know why I put myself through that because no is so good. It feels so good to say no because if you don't want to do something,

“then no. Like, why is that so hard? Why is that so hard? Why was it so hard? Why do you think?”

Because, um, but worth it's my worth and you know what? I feel like because of I let my mom and not my dad, um, no, was no. When I say no, like, you're on your own, go survive. We can't help you. We got our own stuff that's going on. So for some reason, I put that together with if someone asks me for something, money, help, um, just just out there. Like, just stuff that people ask you can ask them say which you can come live with you. Um, I don't have money.

Can you pay for my trip? Like, just anything? I would feel like I'm learning them down if I said no because of, I don't know. That's why it's just, it's great. Yeah. It's got that here. Yeah. Like, you're like overcompensating for, I don't know how you would disappointed. You didn't want to disappoint. You don't want to disappoint anybody else. Yeah.

“I get that. And that's why self-healing is so important. Like, you cannot because I literally let”

everything flow over into places that shouldn't have even been. Yeah. Like, why? Like, no, I don't, I why am I a bad person because I said no. And people play on that. No, for sure. Oh, I'm like, I'm just two years now. And I'm in peace. I'm at peace. Now it wouldn't be, you would be surprised how many women struggle with this all. It's, it's not a uncommon. Wow. Saying no, and having boundaries? No, it's not uncommon at all. Not uncommon. I feel like I've

lost a few people. Well, that's okay. They weren't meant to be there. Yeah. You start to really see who people are when you set your boundaries. You have an interesting friendship with Debbie. Yes. Debbie. So Debbie was Irves wife. You were exes wife. I wouldn't imagine she had her own little trauma bond going on over there. I don't want to tell her story.

“She could tell her own story. But I mean, we saw some of those stories because they had their”

reality show at one point. But how much has, has French that friendship kind of helped you

find your way? I mean, I don't know how close you are. I always got a sense that you were really close.

No, no, no. Yeah, she's like one of my best friends. What I love about her is because we literally married the same story. We, we went, we walked through our trauma from our marriage together. Literally when X and J fell out, things got, well, X and Irves never fell out. They always stayed close, but it made it weird. You know, like in X was like, I got, I get it. Like, you know, Sam, but Debbie was like, we call each other literally. Like, we're not letting this

effect our, like, with the guys doing it so dumb. Like, we're not going to do this to our relationship. Like, literally, that's the conversation we had. And from then on, we were just so close. We were still married, happily married at the time. And when things started to go left, it went from left with her first with Irves. So she was so hang with me and X all the time, where Irves would get mad at X and be like, yo, like, what's going on? Like, why, why is Deb with Charles? Like,

Rose, like, because I love Deb. Like, I got nothing to do with what's going on with you with Deb. It was so funny. But, and then, me and X fell out, which Debbie, Debbie, and she'll probably tell you if you ever get a chance to speak to her, but she was devastated. That me and X fell out,

because she said, she's never seen, like, someone loved someone so much and, you know,

I used to row X all the time. It wasn't, like, her biggest thing with Irves, like, you don't take me nowhere. Me and X, I would go everywhere with him. So she was like, does no way he was cheating?

It was the way he found the way. Yeah, he found the way. And it's real juicy, too. Let me tell you how

“we was doing it. But, yeah, she's one of my best friends. We definitely went through a lot of”

trauma together. And, um, the fact that, you know, when Irv passed, um, you know, her and a kid's asked me to speak, um, I was scared to be honest with you. Really, you were beautiful. Thank you. Well, just because I was just like, I was scared because I'm like, what? First, I spoke at Irves. Now I'm speaking at Irves. This is real creepy. Yeah. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, what am I going to say to two great lives? And that meant a lot to me, too. Like, you know, I was just like,

but I nailed this. So thank you, Angel. That was amazing. Thank you. What about, you know,

there's like a fine line. I think that women, especially when they're so, when they're marriage means, like how you say you, you found your worth kind of as wife, right? But where's the line between like giving grace? You gave ex so much grace, Earl. So much grace. Where is the line between grace and then also self care? Because I also like to, I don't know, I think I give people a lot of grace, sometimes people say too much. Yeah. You know, I'm that person trust me. I see that. I see that

you are, but I have, what have you learned about that? Because you are, you know, you believe in God. You are a godly woman that does usually mean you give people grace. You try to see them to

“how God would see them, right? But also then you have to see yourself the way God sees you also, too.”

So how do you kind of separate that? Like when grace, like you're giving, giving him grace, probably kept you in that relationship for way longer than you needed to be. Right? Yeah, it did. That's that. Well, yeah. So I'm just saying, how do you navigate that? How do you think? Does that make sense? It's a question I'm asking. No, it does. You know what? I feel like it was life. It was, it was a life or death situation. Like a spiritual life, a death situation.

I start it when I say that as because when you give the grace to a fault, where you start to realize that your heart doesn't feel right, like my heart and my spirit started to feel like,

“I don't want to say, I want to give a better word than off. You know what?”

I'm going to tell you, a word that I've been working on. It's called de-debreeding, debreeding. So it's a, it's a, it's a real medical thing that they do with people with diabetes. And

it's a metaphor that I learned in my third with my therapist, where

I want to make sure that I say it right. So the, what they do is when people have diabetes, every time they go back, like when they have a sore, every time they go back to the doctor, they have to cut and it believes every time. And this is a mentor of mine who suffered from this they said that they asked why when I thought that it's starting to get better and heal, you cut it again. And he said, because I'm constantly cutting and letting it bleed and I know it hurts,

but when we get to the core, you will be healed. And I use a metaphor for myself on what you just and I said about the grace because even though I'm giving grace, I'm bleeding. The person's cutting me, but I'm finding something positive to keep on going. And then, but, but as I kept cutting, getting cut and keep getting hurt during the process, it came to a point where I said, no, no more, there's a sore hurting spot here that I have to pay attention to. And I can't

allow them to hurt me anymore. They don't deserve my grace anymore. And it's not into like that to that hurting, I mean, I bleed out. Every time I gave error grace or anybody who hurt me for that matter, it wasn't only once. Every time I did it, I was hurting. I went home, I beat myself up, or whenever

I'm driving home, like the last week before I saw him, he was, his heart was always with me. And

I was just like, you're toxic. You have not changed. One bit, and you continue to try to hurt

me. But this way, it wasn't, it was a different kind of hurt. You know, he, he was mad that the kind of outfit that I had on, like I was still his wife. And it hurt me, because I'm just like,

“I could see that you still love me, but you've hurt me so bad. How can you not comprehend that?”

And I went home and I cried the whole way home. And I said to God, I said, God, why do I still allow this man to make me feel this way? And I give him grace. I should have cost them out, but I didn't. I just said, yo, where about whoever you went right now, and how they address, why are you worried about what I got on right now? And he was so angry that he left the party. It was we were celebrating our goddaughter. He left, because I don't know what the kind of reaction

he was wanted to get from me, but it was a little embarrassing. You know, everybody's paying attention to us, because they know that we're not together, but we're at this bar. And we're, we're kicking, we're talking. And you know, it was also the same time when he told me, my, my best of his tired, but my name's going to live on. And it was a week later that it happened. So, literally, so it was like a lot happened in that moment. So you're dealing with this all the way up until

for his whole life, his whole life, even when we're broken out. So the divorce didn't free you from this trauma bond did not. Yeah. As much as I tried to run away, it's done. How long were you divorced before he? We divorced since 2016. So it's our day 18, five years after divorce. And it was a struggle. Like, I mean, we didn't see each other all the time.

But he came everything's given. Never missed a Thanksgiving. Did that annoy me? Absolutely.

Every time. But I have we have kids. And it was hard for me to date and move on. I mean, then every time he every two days before Thanksgiving. So who's going to be at a child? So Thanksgiving, the last year, the last Thanksgiving that he spent, I said, Earl, I'm not dating anybody and no one's going to be at the house. Oh, okay. Okay. I have to say, you know, I don't want to hurt nobody. I'm like, why would you want to hurt somebody that I'm dating and you

“don't move on a thousand times? Like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, what about you?”

Have you been able to move on? So I have, I've tried to date. So this is okay. So it's because this story, I feel like we have to do a part two, right? Because it's so much. But I did like, I tried to move on like in the 60 years after our divorce. I dated a couple of guys trying to make sure it was outside of the industry. One was a therapist, the psychiatrist. I like this for you, right? Exactly. Exactly. And it was really nice. But he had a drinking problem. Oh, so exactly. So

when you say, would you say another girl? The good thing is, see, I had maybe had a trauma bomb with Earl, but when I saw that drinking habit, I ran. I was like, oh, no, we didn't about to do this. Exactly. He's a really nice guy. But it was for me, then I dated another guy. He was a construction worker. And he was the most kindest man I've met in my, in my, in my dating. You know, because there was a few guys that maybe just talked on a phone, but he was so kind. And I started to see how

wounded I was in that he aggravated my soul because he was kind to me. Like, I literally turned

“into Earl, I feel like, why are you so happy today? Meanwhile, that's how you used to be. Or like,”

Rose said, to me, why are you so happy today? And I said, like, because I woke up today. And I started to be like that with that guy. And he said to me, he said, I noticed that you're like,

starting to be very mean to me. And it's always when I'm trying to be kind. Are you okay?

And I really hurt me. It really hurt me. And I said, you know what? I think it's time for me to start taking time for myself. I don't think this dating thing is to move for me. I am broken. I'm a broken woman. And I tried to act like I was as healed. I'm happy. I'm all done. And no, I was really broken. And I was 10 years ago. Wow. I was 10 years ago. I'm going to give you something break though, because you don't unravel all of that life quickly. You know, talk to you all those years to build

that life. It took me 10 years to get to where I'm at now. Where do you feel like you are now? I think I'm in a blessed place I've ever been. The X versus Earl is, I didn't want to talk about

public. But I'm noticing that it is my story. So even though I talk about it, it's kind of present.

It really isn't. Like now, I'm in a place where first of all, I had to raise for broken kids.

They were very broken because Earl was very present in their lives. And then he wasn't. I had to try to help them and help myself at the same time. So here we go again from Earl to now my children. But it was so much more rewarding because I knew that it was important for me to to put out some human beings in this world that were not broken,

“like like myself and a dad. How do you do that? How do you help children?”

We're broken. Yeah. When I tell you, it was the best loss. I lost myself, but I found myself at

the same time in my children. And how I did that was I had to shut off the world in a sense.

Lock in. Don't go out dating, dead. And really take the time for each individual to find out, who are you? Why are you hurting? This is what happened with mommy and daddy. This is what happens. If you're not whole and heal, and I don't want you to be like this, I don't want you to repeat this generational curse that mean your dad did because I was abandoned. My mom was abandoned. My father was abandoned. Wow. I found that out as I did my research in healing. Earl was abandoned.

As mother and his father in a sense, his father definitely abandoned him. His mother, because

“you know, put him in a group home, then his mother was abandoned. I don't know about his dad,”

but these are generational curses. And I was like, it's time to stop now. So I would talk to

them. My daughter was one. One of my sons was four. Another one was seven. And then there was a 14 ago. And I literally talked to them like me and you were talking. I just, there's no right. There's no guide for being a parent. So I was just like, you know what? I'm going for it because when I was left alone at at 14, nobody told me nobody told me nothing. So I'm going to take the risk and they, it worked. They, I mean, it's the best. They are the best. They are the reflection of

what I've been through, what I overcame. That God is really real. That's another thing. I instilled God. I said, I know it looks crazy right now. And you, I don't know if you got a chance to look at the

“last episode, because just, you know, these are like, it's very short clips, because there's so much more”

to come. But I do feel like, I'm going, I'm done. I'm not that woman that I used to be. Everyone needs to take care of their mental health, even running back beach on Robinson. When I'm on the field that filmed the pressure, usually just take a deep breath. When I was breathing and seeing what's in front of me, everything just slows down. It just makes it feel great before I run the play. Just like these on, we all need a strong mental game on and off the field.

Make a game plan for your mental health. I love your mind, playbook, dot org. Love your mind. Brought to you by the Huntsman Mental Health Foundation, the author in Blank Family Foundation, and the at council. Well, as inspiring stories from the LGBTQ+ community, and so much more. Listen to Swatelope on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or whatever you get your podcast.

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Tell me a sound that's better than this. Before Bad Bunny was traveling the world and sharing Puerto Rico through his music, the podcast La Brega was telling you all about the Puerto Rican experience. We're proud about it. What does that mean?

This season we're telling stories about champions from a place worth fighting for. Stories that will inspire you no matter where you're from. Okay, go to Sanko, okay. Wow. Listen to La Brega, Gumpelonis, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Usually on this podcast we'll kill you.

We talk about the diseases, infections, and biological threats that can make us really sick. But right now we're doing something a little different. We're stepping back and looking at what the human body needs to keep going. When you consider what we know about sleep in humans, there's one rule that comes out.

We are predictably unpredictable sleepers. We're talking about why sleep works the way it does, why our bodies don't follow neat rules, and why modern life makes rest so hard to come by.

The second half of our series takes us to the digestive system with a multi-part series

on what happens after we eat. Okay, I just have to say that all of my favorite words apparently are digestive. Yeah, it's spinked her. It's fascinating. It's funny, and it matters so much more than you think. Episodes of our new series run from January 20th through February 17th.

With new episodes every Tuesday on the exactly right network. Listen to this podcast we'll kill you as part of the exactly right network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Whatever that happened before, whatever Earl did before, I was over it before he passed. Right?

But when he passed, opened up a whole another room that I didn't even know was there. Yeah, and I'm sure you worry about too because he is your children's father. And you do still like have love, like I do. So it's like a fine line between protecting him and honoring him.

“And what he could have been and talking about him honestly in his struggles.”

But then also giving yourself the freedom to tell your full truthful story. Yeah, it's like I'm sure that's complicated. Well, the good thing is I was honest from the beginning. Yeah. They've watched me really struggle and survive.

I mean, it was really bad. We basically were like homeless in a home that me and Earl bought with love, but couldn't afford to pay a lot of the bills. And it was just by the grace of God. I mean, because you know Earl was totally taken over by the dark side, the person.

I don't care what anyone says, um, I know that the man that I fell in love with, the man that I met, the young boy that I met when we were 17 years old,

would never abandon his family.

And I say that to say because the devil's real and I hate to be sounding all like, ooh, but it's, it's the truth. I always say the greatest trick that he ever did was make people believe he did. And why I say that is because Earl taught me who David was. And I was like, he called him Damon, but I was just like, he doesn't exist.

He's not real. And then I seen him get taken over by him. So, um, well, my children know that.

“I told him that you have to be very careful, the spirits that you surround yourself with.”

Women, men, I'm very big on, I talk very freely about sex. I feel like, um, soul ties come through sex. If you're not aligned with the right partner, um, I just was honest. Wow, with them. What is that?

What do you, what are you, what are you beliefs about that? Yo, you think sex could actually, it's, it's definitely soul ties. Um, I don't know if you have experienced it before, but um, I've talked to so many women now. And, um, they say that sometimes they have sex with somebody that they didn't know they were with a bunch of other different women and they, they're taken on these energies that they don't

realize, but I think it's an empath, I'm an empath, which I've had to learn through therapy. But that was, but they would feel funny after having sex. Then they wouldn't even want to be with the person anymore. But for some reason, they still craving and yearning for them. And I said, yeah, because you have a soul tie.

Like when you have, when you have intercourse, you're sharing spirits at the same time. And this is why, um, marriage, and I know everybody ain't doing it. So, I'm about, please, I'm not trying to judge anyone. Everybody got to get to that space, but um, when you, you know, God created marriage for a reason, because it's supposed to be intimate with your partner, you know, saying, but, I know,

this is a, we're living in an era that that sounds crazy right now.

“But that's what you believe, but you, but I do believe in that.”

Yeah.

And, you know, I believe that walking in a light is always better than walking in a dark.

They're sure. Oh, what do you think about the term rider die? Because we would fend that. No, I don't wish we'd fend that so hard. Like rider die. This is, X have, ride a die and guess what? I'm the, I used to always be, I love to be that rider die chick, but I'll tell you that that's, that's over. Like, I'm done. I'm done being a rider die.

It's rider dying. It's like, is that overrated?

For us, grown women out here and you young girls that's trying to be a rider die is overrated.

It's whack. It's not, it's not even a way to go anymore.

“You ride a die for yourself. What do you think about the term unconditional love?”

Yeah. Do you think, do you think that's a good thing or do you think that there should be some conditions still love? Even marriage, even the way, you know, the marriage is for better or for worse. And then we've fed this term. I love you unconditionally. I just wonder for you from, having such a tumultuous kind of experience to love someone unconditionally, is, I feel is, is dangerous to, to even try to do that. Like, I feel like love has,

like, obviously, love's supposed to be easy. And when it doesn't feel easy, and you know, I want to know that because my children doesn't love in your, you have a son, right? Yeah. Doesn't love in your son come easy. I mean, obviously, nothing is so easy, but it's so easy. And I learn that through my children that this is love. It comes easy. We communicate, sometimes you may get them under, but I love you unconditionally. But when it comes to relationships,

so I guess it depends on who you're saying it to. Like, I love him unconditionally. Obviously, it's too early for me to say, but in my next relationship, I feel like I have to kind of fall back on that unconditional, have some conditions there because some boundary. Yeah, exactly. I got to put boundaries there. And so, no, I think that that's kind of something that we were growing up. We weren't properly taught. How to love? I didn't, you know,

they didn't think about conditions. They just left. They walked out, figured out on your own,

“and then I met this young boy and I was like, I love him unconditionally because that's how he loves”

me. But I don't know if that was really right. Like, if I put some conditions up, maybe things would have went a little better. Maybe I stood up more for myself. And you know, obviously, I want to be harder myself. But sometimes you have to treat people, how to love you. I don't think I did that. You know, when I send his defense, he's going now. But you got to put some room. You got to say some boundaries. You didn't hold him accountable for nothing. I was just like, I made him excuse for

everything. And you know what, I think he had some boundaries. You know, I think he had not in love,

but he was always very honest about how he felt. And mine was just like, whatever makes you happy,

makes me happy. And that's very, very, because if you don't, people will suck you up. And, you know, so unconditional, you got to come with some conditions, happiness. And that was my way of saying, I love you unconditional. And no, now, and where I am today, it has to be some conditions. And guess what? You know what? Probably without children, too, because sometimes children could do things that may be hurtful. And we got to call him on it, because we're like, listen, I love you.

But that didn't make me feel good. You know, and they got to have and had those rules. Yeah, but you're putting you, you're being honest and I'm holding kids accountable. Exactly. And I didn't do that. I didn't do that in my marriage. Well, like, I tried to when it was him out of control and how we treated other people or how he treated himself. But not how he treated me. That's weird. Okay. We just dropped it just now, because I really said that's weird. That's weird.

Like, oh, when I look back now, I'm just so grateful to be where I am now. Like that. You know, I know people. I've met grown women are still in this place. And that's no judgment.

“It's just that we got to do better for ourselves. What about love? What about love?”

I don't know. Would you marry again? Yeah, you would. I would. You know it, because now that I know what I know, I have friends who have came out of similar situations. 20 years later, meeting someone who is just like, they're like, we're doing life together now. And I'm like, wow, I didn't think about that until recently, though, because now that my kids are getting older and they're good now. My oldest son tells me all the time. He's like,

"Mom, I want to see you happy." I said, "I am happy." He said, "But you know what I mean? Mom, you know, like, you know, with someone, you know, having a good life, too. Like, you know,

with someone." And I'm like, "At first, I got offended. Like, but I like being by myself. Like,

you know what? Won't be too bad. I don't know if that's a sound too bad, but obviously, God got to be the one to do it. I'm going to know. Yeah. Yeah, you could be so interesting to see you navigate those waters with this new understanding of yourself. Yes. Just new love for yourself.

“Yeah. I think it's going to be a lot better. And that's why it makes me happy thinking about,”

you know, if I was able to do life with someone else, I think, well, they have to be the right person, obviously. They got to be, have done the work if they haven't. You know, if they have any issues,

but I think, I think marriage is beautiful. I never really talked about a lot of this before,

because I do believe, believe it or not, the good, our way to bad. And um, mere relationship, you still do. I do, man. I just learned so much from that. Um, it was a best times of my life. I mean, we had so much fun. Um, like I said, like so many other marriages, like they didn't let their wives be around or they didn't know how much money was in a bank account. Like, Earl always made me feel like he was just like, she runs everything.

And um, he always put me on a pedestal. And I never knew that he was doing the things that he was doing until he started getting really sloppy in the end. And a lot of drugs was being used. So he couldn't keep it together like he used to do. But I'm telling you, it's, it's a, it's a crazy love story, but, but I like it. I like it. I like it. It's your life. It's my life. It's your real life. It's my real life. And I'm still here to talk about it. Thank God. Thank God. God bless, man. Seriously.

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boost mobile.com or head to your local boost store today and get unlimited talk, text, and data for $25 a month forever. 5G speeds are available in all areas after 30 gigabytes. Customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the boost unlimited plan. All right. We have a second call. The IRL bowl. No, we're going to do our a voicemail first. This is a voicemail. Do you see a listener answer, I mean a question or a comment. So okay. Let's

get to our voicemail. Hi to share my name's Lauren. So my question was on forgiveness and not for DMX, but for yourself. So a lot of times we blame ourselves for staying in relationships longer than

we know to stay in them. And of course, it's always difficult. And have you forgiven yourself

for staying longer? Oh, good question. That's an amazing question. The first time I knew I had to forgive myself as the first day I sat on the couch of my therapist. In my first two sessions were just crying because I had realized that I had went too far. I realized that I didn't know what made me happy. And I knew that I was going to start. I had to be on that journey to love myself. So to love myself, I go away by myself when we talk Hawaii by myself. I went to some spiritual retreats,

but really loving on yourself to be honest with you is getting a therapist because they tear you to pieces and they build you back up together. It's not about Earl. It's not about the kids. It's about the girl sitting in that chair that wants help. That's the biggest love. Have you forgiven yourself for some of the things that you've done to yourself? Yeah, I have. I just started though. I would say again, a lot of stuff took, it took place two years ago. I've just started to

forgive myself. I didn't even know that I needed to forgive myself. And I had these moments where I just started crying or I started laughing. I'm like, girl, you did some dumb stuff. Why did you

“do that to yourself? And I think the laughing is good because I don't feel that hurt anymore.”

I don't feel that hole anymore. I feel like I finally feel a hole. I finally see Tashira,

the way to Shira's supposed to see Tashira. Man, Tashira is courageous. She's smart. She's loving. She's kind. I'm outgoing. I love to travel. I'm sporadic. I'm last minute. It doesn't sporadic. I love God. Oh my God, Tashira loves God. I don't know where I would be without him.

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University said a course for change certified to operate by SHIFT. All right, no, we have a bowl. Let's put you in the bowl. We got a IRL bowl. Take a question. I'm sorry. I love my kids too, but I'm sorry guys. You said you cry. I'm ready. I was like, my kids. Oh my God, I'm sorry, guys. Y'all ready, no, no. This is our IRL bowl presented by Walden University. If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be? Master living in the moment.

That's a skill that takes serious intention. Just enjoy every day and live in a moment, and that's a skill that I'm working on in my healing. I love that. All right, in real life, what are you most proud of about yourself? In real life, the mother, I've, I've, I've, um, I was afraid in the beginning of not being a good mom because of what I've been through and how my mom abandoned me, but that is one of the most things I'm proud of because I have one. I've succeeded

to raise healthy for children to be someone's amazing husband or wife. Well done, mama. Thank you.

What do you like most about yourself? What I like about myself is that I'm comfortable in my own skin, that I know who I am now, and I, um, I have my own identity. For a very long time, my identity was an IRL, and now what I really love about myself is that I'm happy to be to Shira. Good for you both. I am no longer available for, I am no longer available for negativity, for bullshit, for people speaking on my life that they have no idea about. I am no longer available

for that. If it ain't positive, I got no energy for it. Period. And I'm not afraid to say no. Do you still feel the need we're going to wrap up right now, but do you still feel the need?

“Why guess you must because you're, yes, your son's father, but do you still feel the need to”

represent, for ex-girl, to be a representation for him, since he's no longer here? I do, I do feel the need to, and that's the point of the name of a doctor's series, ex versus or because I feel like he hasn't had the proper representation of who early is because, you know, ex is who most people really know, and DMX. So I do still feel the need, because, you know, I know who he really was, and too because it's only right that that's my

children's father. That's a mention, my first love of my childhood sweetheart, and it makes me

sad that he went at 50, but Earl was tired, and he told me that, and that's why I had peace in it. Not happy about it, but I had peace with it because he told me he was tired, and I could see it in his eyes and in his voice, and I got scared, and I didn't think it was going to happen, but it did a week later. Wow. Yeah, I must have been a tough time for you. I didn't think it would be just because I knew that Earl was tired, but I felt a part of me

died definitely, because he knew he knew me longer than I was alive. We were together and were friends for over 40 years, and a part of me was ripped. I mean, I really went before he passed away. I thought I found myself, and then when he passed away, I had to die to myself to find myself again. And that was not an easy journey. It's taken me another three, four years to get to where I am now.

“Wow. I'm like, oh, when is it over God? Well, I think we found the edge, and I think you are”

well on your way to wherever you're supposed to be doing. Yeah, thank you. I'll feel that now. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, for sure. Congrats on the doctor. I'm on that. Thank you.

what would it say? If God were to text me, you've got to text from God right now. Well,

“what would it say? I want you to start focusing more on yourself.”

Yeah, it is. Real life. I like all the way over here because that was so good. And Angie, I just want to tell you real quick, though. You made it. Your energy and your spirit, it felt safe. This is to share a sentence in real life. Hey, guys, thanks for watching. Make sure you subscribe, like, comment, and check out all of the other episodes we have on

Edge Martinez, IRL podcast. Everyone needs to take care of their mental health, even running back

beach on Robinson. When I'm on the field that filmed the pressure, usually just take a deep breath. When I was breathing and seeing what's in front of me, everything just slows down,

“it just makes it feel great before I run the play. Just like these on, we all need a strong”

mental game on and off the field. Make a game playing for your mental health. I love your mind playbook.org. Love your body. Brought to you by the Huntsman Mental Health Foundation, the author in blank family foundation, and the ad council. When you feel uncomfortable,

what do you put on? Biggie. You put on biggie when you feel uncomfortable? So I want to get confident.

This is DJ Heaster Prince music is therapy, a new podcast from me, a DJ and licensed therapist, 12 months, 12 areas of your life. Money, love, career, confidence. This isn't just a podcast. It's unconventional therapy for your entire year. Listen to DJ Heaster Prince music is therapy. On the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The human body is a beautiful machine, and keeping it running means understanding how it actually works.

Which is why this podcast will kill you is doing a multi-part series on sleep,

“but it's for why our bodies don't follow neat rules and why modern life is not helping.”

When you consider what we know about sleep in humans, there's one rule that comes out. We are predictably unpredictable sleepers. We'll continue exploring how the body works with a multi-part series on digestive function. So listen to our newest series, which runs January 20th through February 17th with new episodes every Tuesday. From the exact right network, listen to this podcast we'll kill you on the iHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hola, I'm Christian Chavez, host of the new podcast in Swirldala. In each episode, I try to do something radically simple. To be all, a heart to heart, connection with my guest. I talk with people who have shaped me and inspired me, like it in the river, marine primers, or might the pera. You'll hear conversations about fashion, relationships,

HIV, as well as inspiring stories from the LGBTQ+ community. And so much more. Listen to Swirldala on iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, Chavez. I heard in TikTok have come together to create something new. I love it. We're the world of TikTok meets your playlist.

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