#764 - JELLY ROLL + THEO VON

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Hey, this is Sven and company live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas,

for a brand new episode of Kill Downey. Get up on Donny! It's ready! [MUSIC] [MUSIC]

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[MUSIC] Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a story telling show. It'll be like me and friends.

“We're all telling true, it's really terrible story.”

We do a top-rear's face while face some time. We're grateful every STD horrible. I'm gonna fuck you up. An amazing story. We just got stuck.

I'm gonna stop the tears. [MUSIC] It's gonna kill us all. Come on. [MUSIC]

You should be in jail. Hey there, are you okay? [MUSIC] I actually do well.

You don't fucking talk to me.

[MUSIC] [MUSIC] I think the cycle of the law. [MUSIC] How did I get here?

How would it just happen? That's a good question. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] You guys were in the show?

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“You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?”

[MUSIC] Every single episode I book. And this one is very, very special. Two of my favorite human beings on planet earth. One is one of the biggest comedians in the world.

The other one of the biggest musicians in the world. Two of my favorite human beings. Two of your favorite human beings. One has a brand new movie coming out this Friday. The other one just wanted shit ton of Grammys and every award.

Humanly possible known to man ladies and gentlemen. This is Kilt Tony. I present to you Theo Von and Jelly Roll. [MUSIC] Theo Von and I fucking lost.

Jelly Roll is in the house. Oh my God. [MUSIC] This is Kilt Tony. [MUSIC]

Boys out this Friday. [MUSIC] Oh yeah. [MUSIC] It is going down ladies and gentlemen.

[MUSIC] Theo Von's new movie. Bus Boys out this Friday. April 17th. [MUSIC]

Jelly Roll and I together are doing the Greek theater in Los Angeles. May 8th and he's here in Austin on April 23rd. How cool is that? [MUSIC] We have some big plans for the future Theo.

The fucking man welcome back to Kilt Tony. Yeah, thanks for having me nice to see everybody. Happy evening. Yeah man, I'm excited to be here. And yeah excited about the movie coming out this week.

So that was something, yes. Definitely I'm a little bit nervous, but I am excited. And that's why I'm doing. We are very excited to have you here. Go out and see the movie.

Bus Boys in theaters. If you do more comedians like Theo, we'll be able to make their own movies without the big giant studios. And all this crap and people in the way. And it can happen more often.

We'll get back to making real comedies that you can go see in movie theaters. Wouldn't that be great? Thank you guys. Kofio go. Yeah, we made it ourselves.

So we'll see how it is, but it's better than a lot of bad shit. That's right. Theo's been on the show numerous times. Jelly Roll has been a musical guest multiple times.

This is the first thing he's done since the Grammys. Yes, long time listener, first time caller. I love it. Well, let me just remind all of you about 250 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show.

We're not going to get through all of them. But if we get through any one of them, they get 60 seconds on this stage to attempt to stand up comedy. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up.

But up then are also eventually they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's just interrupts their set. I conduct an interview. The entire thing is improvised. Anything could happen.

“Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?”

Well, we go wrangle that first bucket pool. We're going to start the show with one of the regulars on the show. That means this young man has the very, very tough job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week on the show. Not easy at all.

It scares a lot of people. I thought of that. And he does it and above and beyond every week. Starting off tonight's show. He's formally the dark storm of Atlanta.

He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Makes some noise for Patrick's plan, everybody. He was of y'all. Did y'all know that a company can buy your debt from somebody else? Jefferson Capital emailed me.

And they said, hey, we bought your debt from Sprint. You owe us money now. No nigga, you bought it. [ Laughter ] That's yours now.

[ Laughter ] If I leave a dog outside and you adopt the dog, it's not only to feed the dog, right? That's not America. That's your debt now.

I'm no Sprint, nigga. I don't know you. I know Sarah and Sprint.

“Sarah know why I couldn't pay and why I was putting some money.”

[ Laughter ] Jefferson Capital, nigga. I can't even Google y'all.

I'm never going to with the, we're kind of a stupid ass company

by debt from other people. That's the same niggas that go online and they feed the homeless on HD cameras. [ Laughter ] What kind of shit?

You think I've been a niggas. I see Sprint commercials every day, and I go, I owe them niggas. I'll never see it. I don't -- I dare you come to me.

Like Jesus didn't need -- When Jesus paid for our sins, that niggas never sent me an email being like, "The adultery that you may let us hear." That's my time.

Wow. He's done it again. A brand new minute 30 working over time, "Bedrick Flynn." How fucking awesome is that?

That's bookies. You have another one. You never take a week off. Never. And you just keep doing it.

Every time I bring you out, I get a little more nervous each time. And I've nothing to be afraid of.

“You've got to let this shit go, don't know.”

[ Laughter ] I don't know smoke. I want to come out here and rip everything. I absolutely love it. "Bing debt is something that happens."

Yeah, I've never heard anyone choke about it.

Fantastic new material. Absolutely incredible. I'm trying not to cry right now. My band don't eat. Just -- just -- gently -- niggas!

Black people love sweets. Yeah. We do. We do. [ Laughter ]

Did you die your hair? Oh. [ Laughter ] So it looks like shit on purpose. All right.

Come on. I'm not doing that. That's a joke. I don't rope. Be nice, Judge.

Be nice to the guest. I'm sorry. That's like a pet jelly roll. It mean a lot for me to see you tonight because you do songs.

One of my best friends told me to start doing comedy Teddy Swims. And we were both just two broke motherfuckers in Southside and Atlanta. He told me to start doing comedy.

I told him to start doing the band. And now look at both of us who live in our fucking dream. [ Cheers and applause ] The judges are crazy to me. Teddy is the homey homey too.

I love you, Teddy, baby. Teddy! Teddy! [ Laughter ] That's what --

He's becoming friends with Teddy Swims since you can't -- [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] It's not my fault. I can't.

I just never had the opportunity

when I wanted to learn. [ Laughter ] Because you only want to learn swimming at the early age. After that, it's just drowning or not drowning.

[ Laughter ] It's so bad. But he wasn't Swims. He was just Teddy when he was growing. It was always like Teddy and Teddy.

Like, it's my homeboy. Because when I met him, he was Jayden. And then he went by Teddy. And it was always like Teddy and Teddy coming out.

we were always like running around

to same crews and stuff like that. But he was just singing. Like, just like, open my karaoke.

“And I was like, "Brother, you have the best voice”

I've ever heard of my life. You need to do something with it." And when I said that, he said, "You're the funniest person I've ever met. You need to do something with it."

So that's what, honestly, it kept me going through signing up for killing Tony 39 times. It's just like, the day I got picked when I walked out of the Uber.

They were playing loose control. And I was crying. And being like, "If my best friend can make it, I can make it too." We drank the same water.

We ate the same food. Yeah? We fucking drove him there. It's just a beautiful fucking thing. Sounds like a jelly roll award acceptance speech happening.

It's just a fire, baby. It's just a fire. I ain't that evil. It's just a fire. You gave us all the Jesus?

Yeah, he did.

I gave a lot more Jesus than that.

I said, "We was in South Atlanta." Woo! We were sitting over there with nowhere to go. I was drinking the full of golds with the caffeine in it. I was drinking the full of golds with the caffeine in it.

We drank the full of golds with the caffeine in it. We didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers.

I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers.

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I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers. I didn't hear your passers.

I live in it so it's more of a wrap for it. I'm getting older in my life. I've gotten to the point.

“I think my favorite candy now are cough drops.”

They're just meant off labor jolly ranchers. I've hit the point in my life where I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm masturbate is for prostate health. My partner walks in on me is like, what are you thinking about? I'm just sitting there like cancer.

Yeah, thank you. Hell yeah. Michael A. Keatson. This is your Kiltowni debut, correct? Yes.

I'd remember if I've seen you before. What do you think about this guy? Yeah, I think it's great. I think sorry, that's just a reaction. Let me think what I--

No, I think it's crazy to have a wooden leg and look like a guy who could make a wooden leg. Yeah. You do have cobbler energies. There's no doubt about it.

Oh, thank you. What's your injury? A lot of them, actually. Okay. Like, you know, it's like I've got a snap fashion, one foot,

like, you know, like a spinal injury, shoulder scar, and a bunch of things. How did this all happen to you? You had sports or something? I did heavy, heavy manual labor for a long time.

What kind of manual labor? Probably building data centers. Absolutely. No, I, like, I threw mattresses for a while and after that, like I worked in a flour mill,

“threw on flour bags and, like, whatever else they needed.”

Wow. Amazing. What? What were you at? Baker?

Oh, no. Who was asking you to do that? I'm sorry, Tony. No, it's good. Who was asking you to do that?

Oh, like whoever managed the flour mill. Your partner, Luigi? Yes. And I was jumping around too much. It was how, yeah.

How old are you? 41. 41. You look great, man. Thank you.

Yeah. Um, what do you do now? Oh, I limp. All right. Like, I'm, I'm on a disability.

Okay. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. How long have you been doing stand up? You know that shit.

About how many people? How many people in your neighborhood was getting that wobble chip? Haha. My fucking bro.

They fucking used to take one of my buddies eyes close to the didn't work and then they got that check on him. Everybody was getting that dummy chip.

Sorry, carry on. But yeah.

But yeah, that's six years.

About six years have been going to stand up. We're at Kansas City. Okay. That's where you live. Yep.

What made you set up camping, Kansas City? Oh, I was born and raised. Yeah, it is. Okay. Your family there still?

Absolutely. Yes. Your family loves you. I hope. What if this to the area?

I'm white.

“And what made them name you Michael if your last name is Keaton?”

They just think it was funny or something. I, I was born before that guy was famous. That's not even his real name. His real name is Michael Douglas. He's 41.

You're 41? Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, Mr. Mom was out, right?

Yeah, Mr. Mom. Yeah, it was a huge movie. Yeah, your parents are fucking with you. Michael Keaton was one of the most famous people exactly when you were born. Right?

They don't exactly have their film on the polls, man. Right. Okay. All right. So what do you do for fun, Michael?

Keaton? You have any hobbies? You look like the kind of guy that has a wild collection of denim hats or something like that? I can only afford the one. No, I, like pretty much at this point,

it's just stand up. Like, I did music for a long time, but I've got nerve damage in my hands. So I had to give that up. You were playing guitar or whatever?

Yeah. So what did you sing when you did music as well? No, no, no.

Like, I have terrible, like, anxiety.

Like, like, like the coming to the microphone is like a big deal for me. How much nerve damage you got? Good question. Everybody's wondering, I'm going to ask it.

“Like, can you shuffle cards or whatever or how much you do it?”

Oh. I don't, like, I know if I had to quit playing. It was, no. I'm sorry, man. It's fine.

Like, this is way more fun. Yeah. What can you do that you're grateful that you can still do? Yeah, that's a good question. Uh, eat.

Okay. It is. Another eating disabled person. Hell yeah. So how'd you end up in Austin, Texas tonight?

You come down for this or like, oh, yeah. Like, there's, like, there's only so much opportunity in Kansas City. And I came down to, like, you know, check out this scene. I really like the people here. Did you drive or take a bus?

Yes. I live in a car. You live in a car. Yeah. Yeah.

The RAV4 thing was real. Okay. Amazing. Well, that's fun.

“You sleep in the back seat or do you just tilt back the driver seat?”

I built a bed in the back. Wow, look at you. Fuck Palace. You ever bring a girl back to the RAV4? Oh, it would destroy it.

It would what? It would destroy it. What depends on how big she is. Yeah. I'm big enough.

Fair. Yeah. And do you lay in there? And what if you ever lay in there and listen to Jelly Roll, you listen to Jelly Roll up in there?

You know, oh, that was the question I had. Do you know any tech nine songs? Uh, yeah. Like, I'm a big fan of you. So if I go K. C. Mo. Oh, respect.

All right, that's fun. All right, I love respect. Just short enough of a song that we don't get ding by YouTube. Perfect. Michael A. Keaton.

Fun times. You, uh, you did it. You got through it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations.

Michael A. Keaton ladies and gentlemen. And we're going to keep it moving along. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's the lovely Heidi and Val, ladies and gentlemen.

Amazing. Whoa. It's going to be the most watched part of the episode right there. Have a little more time for Heidi and Val. They're podcast love on the line.

Yeah. Hello, there are dear friends. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard. It's terrifying.

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Tacobas. Point here, toes. West.

On your next bucket poll, we know her.

Funny lady goes by the name of Cherie. Bessichi, everybody. Cherie Bessichi. Thank you.

“Oh my God, did you guys see that homeless woman with her Tetsan get out on 6th street?”

Yeah, wearing a mask. Yeah, I said, "Whether you are Democrat?" So I am originally... I am originally from Iran, Nebraska. Yeah, I was at the airport, and I don't know if you've seen that sign that says, "No guns

allowed in the airplane." Yeah, you know that same sign in the Middle East reads, "No stones allowed in the airplane." But AK47 is okay because those versions can get out of control. I got guns in my head and it won't go. And then another sign right under that reads, "Not responsible for lost limbs."

I got guns in my head and it won't go. You missed the stone. Oh, you missed me. All right, Cherie Bessichi. Welcome back, Cherie. Theo? Yeah, you know, I was wondering what had happened in my A.

You look lovely and I like a lot of the stuff. And I am honestly tickled to see you. It's amazing. Cherie, how remind us how long you've been in one stand-up? This may be three years.

And you are Iranian, correct? Yes. So how do you feel about everything that's happening? How do you feel? Let's be honest, Cherie. Let's get on it.

Yeah, Cherie. Tell us the story. How do you feel about us lighting up your country? Well, I think they're doing it for the freedom. That is true. That's what you'd say. Yeah, exactly.

“Because you feel like that's what's happening or does it feel like happening now?”

It's growing up in my ass now. It's for the right reasons.

And I think there's always going to be casualty when, you know, you're trying to do this.

This is 47 years in the making. So I'm excited for the freedom that's about to come. Yes, without a doubt. That's it. That's what happens when you check in with a real Iranian instead of the local news. Right.

And you've visited there. You go there sometimes. My immediate family's here after my mom passed away. I just no longer had a reason to go back. Right. How did your mom pass away? No, my grandma. My mom is here.

Okay. Who killed her? You're saying if you-- If it's real, it's real. Yeah. My mom's alive.

She's still alive. My mom is-- Grandma, we're asking about grandma. She did natural causes. Oh, I am sitting down. Okay.

So, Sherry, where do you live now, Austin? Yeah. And you just do stand-up for a living? I'm not doing it for a living, but I would love to. But, so how-- what do you do for a living?

I do paralegal work from home. Okay. Very cool. It's just very convenient.

Yeah.

“Parer planes hit our towers a few years ago for people like you.”

Hit 'em. He'll tear it. Paraged. Remember that? I love it.

Sherry, what do you do for fun?

Tell us all what you do for fun. Not much. I mean, I need to put myself out there and start dating, but just keep-- You aren't-- you're on the in Mountain Cooper.

Very rare for her. That's right. I like how white younger man. You like younger men, right? Yeah. Wow.

Whoa. Whoa. But I did just recently join a Middle Eastern dating app. Yeah. It's called-- Uh-oh.

Yes, woo! [ Laughter ] Amazing. You're adorable, Sherry. [ Applause ]

Last date you went on. What was that like? What? Well, the last date that you went on. Last time you hung out with a man.

Last time you let someone into your sand pit. Yeah. [ Laughter ] It was weird.

We had interest, then we kissed,

“and then I kind of waited and waited, and he waited.”

And it feels like the interest just kind of-- um, this is a pay that like if you don't move on it, there's a window that opens, and then it closes, so you got to move fast. Yes, absolutely.

And this bitch is old. So I didn't move fast enough. [ Laughter ] That's okay. Yeah.

[ Laughter ] What are you saying? I'm saying I'm just that okay. [ Laughter ] You're fine.

He's probably fine wherever he is. Yeah. I don't know. Welcome to be honest with you. [ Laughter ]

But he's probably a great guy. Yeah. [ Laughter ] So I'm gonna sit back to my company. [ Laughter ]

Where did you guys make out of that? And a car at your place is-- No, I just whatever show that we were doing at the end. We kissed stuff. Oh, yeah.

And then we kissed the guy. Let me sometimes we kissed. Okay. Yeah. And look at that.

That's good. Incredible. Absolutely. Yeah. Share any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting.

Um. Mmm. Mmm. Really nothing. What's the greatest thing?

craziest thing you have in your refrigerator. We would find odd. Like me right now at this very moment. I have pickled carrots, pickled jalapenos, pickled pickles. There's a pickle in guy at the front local farmers market.

And I have a lot of pickled things in my fridge, an odd amount of pickled things. Now it's your turn. [ Laughter ] Soy chicken.

Mmm. It's good. Soy sauce on chicken. Let's check in with our senior refrigerator. Correspondent jelly roll.

Babe. Did you say soy chicken or soul chicken? No, soy chicken, like, fake chicken. Oh, it's like I own it. It's soul chicken.

It's all chicken. It's all chicken. Yeah, I thought she said soul fish. No, soy. What's your--

All chicken is soul chicken, right? Okay. What? [ Laughter ] All right.

What's your favorite kind of music? My favorite kind of what? Music. Music. Oh, house music.

Whoa. Look at that. Whoa. Yeah. Wow.

Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. All right. That's enough. Okay, that's enough.

That's enough. Sherry, fun times. Uh, you did good. Um, you're leaving here with a brown joke book. Just like you.

Boom. Whoa. Good pet Sherry. Thank you. Wow.

She made eye contact with me on that pet. Theo. [ Laughter ] Theo is a sweet boy. [ Laughter ]

Mix one of these for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. It's Ethan Griggs, everybody. Ethan Griggs. [ Cheers and applause ]

All right. Whoo. How are we doing? [ Laughter ] Yeah.

Into the day, I'm just a hiccass farmer from cattle mills, Texas. And the thing about this is if you know anything about farmers, the only reason they have kids is to like carry on the farm and a cheap farm labor. Well, I was an only child and a fuck up at that.

“So, when my dad died, that's why the farm fell.”

Now, I'm not here doing comedy fucking that up, too. It's crazy though. We were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection. [ Laughter ]

And here's the thing. I used to buy my dad porn.

So, I've already seen a third of this collection.

And I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two thirds of this collection. I'll be damned if I'm going to rehab from masturbation addiction. That's like getting cancer from vaping. That's just fucking embarrassing. Like, can't even raise my hand because it's busy, like shit.

I'm gonna tell you what, I don't -- [ Laughter ] I don't think -- I don't think I'll make it in stand-up comedy though. Man, I had a very untromanic childhood, like, I didn't get molested because I wasn't in the church of the scouts. And the only relative that might have molested me

I can't compete with sheep's pussy, nor did I want to.

“I guess that's my time. I heard a little meow.”

So, all right, I'm on. Our second preacher of the night. Yeah, you've been great. Exactly. Welcome me, Sid. Is this really jelly roll? [ Laughter ]

Shit, man. It's nice to meet you. I felt the same way when you walked up. I was like, my people are here. Hell yeah. Look. You started talking about being poor and drug addiction.

I was like, "Right, my kind of guy." Hell yeah. And then you said, "You bought your dad, poor, and I was out." [ Laughter ] Oh, yeah. Good to meet you, sir.

Thank you, sir. I appreciate that. You're welcome. Where is cattle mills Texas? It's about an hour in northeast of Dallas. How long have you been trying to stand-up? Ah, collectively five years. Like, I did it a little bit before the pandemic.

And I got back into it about 2023, started taking it seriously. Okay. So, now I'm here, I guess, so. Yeah. Yeah, you look great. I like -- I'm happy to see you. Oh, thank you. Oh, shit. The oven's here, too.

Motherfucker. Yeah, I was right here. [ Laughter ] Yeah. You look really honest. Oh, shit. I am. [ Laughter ]

I'm never seen it before in half meals.

I'm not used to saying nobody of any status whatsoever. I'm not shit. Nobody molests me. I don't get to say, "So, let it burn me." [ Laughter ] What do you do for work?

How long? I'll tell you what he does. He's a sore, sore, he's a fricking. [ Laughter ] He's a rural businessman. He looks like he sells used karma. This pretty much cooks. Very close. I work at a circle K, actually. Do you really?

Yeah. Fuck you. I love it there. Oh, yeah. I -- [ Laughter ] You look like the kind of customer that will commit it in circle K. Yeah.

We used to spend time in that bench. We wouldn't just come in and just do our shit and dip. We would come in and spend time with you. We would not know most people just don't know how to fucking leave. Like, they'd be in there for 30 minutes just figuring out how to work

the coffee machine. Do they hang out in the parking lot, too? Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Well, they're the nights somebody shut the fucking pumps off and shit. It fucked me all kinds of up.

I didn't know what the hell was going on.

“It's like, "Why the hell you all put this shit out in the front?”

You know, any motherfucker can touch it." And they got a lot of gay dudes running up in there, too. They do, no, I almost saw him. I almost saw a book fight with a trans and a fucking homeless person. It was crazy.

They have a trans and cattle mills Texas? No, this is in Austin. Oh, okay. I've been in Austin for over nine years. No, they didn't have that shit in cattle mills. Talking about gangs, right?

I ain't talking about all these remodels. [ Laughter ] Shit, that's all the same to me. You said, "I don't know, fuck." Oh, you don't even fucking know we was here, bro.

You could be two inches. I couldn't believe how many they're like celebrities in this city.

That's just something I never knows.

Shit. No, man, I'm just joking with the end. It's nice to see you. And yeah, they got a lot of gay dudes out there trying to get that fucking fake CPR out there. Yeah.

Exactly. That's crazy. It's rough out here. So, what did you do for work before in the circle, Kay? I worked in a television station.

Wow. CBS and telemundo. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I just -- I recently quit that job this month. And I tried to get to say, "I tried to do a sales job."

And I sucked at that. And so I decided to quit that and then just do circle Kay. Circle Kay. And now I got a lot of deliver laundry, too. Yeah.

Yeah. So I got all kinds of whatever makes money. I don't know. What do your parents and cattle mills do for work when they're not -- Oh, my dad's dead.

Oh, my dad's dead. Like, sir, with a pitch fork in front of the house. Yeah, my dad's dead. Yeah. My dad's dead, too, you.

[ Laughter ] My dad's alive. Had a heart attack last week, but he's good. Good. My dad's cool.

He's cool. And my mom, I don't really know it. She does something with insurance. I don't exactly know what the fuck. She works from home.

So she wasn't a farmer, though. But she's a good woman, though. Oh, yeah. She's great. Yeah. She should be down here this weekend, so for easier --

What are you going to do? You're going to celebrate -- go out to dinner. Go out to lunch or something. She's going to cook for the -- My adopted family and shit --

My home girl, Carly, who I live with and shit. Okay. Say home girl. What exactly do you mean? That's just because we're white and we sound black.

I don't know what to say. Yeah. How old are you? I'm guessing 27 to 52. Yeah, there's somewhere --

You know where you're right on the money. I'm 34. Wow. Amazing. Yeah.

Say the home girl is your girlfriend? No, she's my friend. My land lady, too. My sister from a different mister, you know? You live with your land lady.

Yeah. But you're not banging. No. But the lady that you are banging is coming to town and cooking for you. No, that's my mother, I'm back.

Hey, I'm from the country. I ain't in bread like that, too. But you go for someone at dark meat, huh? Oh, I do. Yeah, I like -- I wouldn't like it.

Like my trucks, large and black. Really? They ain't real lady unless she's too 80. You're going walking in the dark, huh? Yeah.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I like that. It's very surprising.

“How many black women do you think you've been with?”

I lost my virginity to a black woman. Wow. What was that out? Cattle mills, ironically enough. Cattle mills.

Yeah. Cattle mills exactly.

at a neighbor's house. Okay.

So I thought you'd take general mills.

There you have it. Right here? Yeah. No. Cattle -- C-A-D-D-O, like the Indians.

Cattle.

“See, a lot of people think I say cattle because I don't know how to”

fucking talk either. Fuck, I'm their lion. They're not lying, but they're -- they are. They don't know what they're talking about. Yeah.

That's true. Hell yeah. Right on. How many of -- anything else crazy we should know about you before getting out of here?

Ah, shit. I don't know. We'd be here all night if I tell you all the crazy shit that I've done. How about anything? Anything?

One thing. One thing. Fuck. Ever been to jail? I have once.

Yeah. I got a DWI back in December. So my car's like four months ago. Yeah. All right.

Back in December. Not my 80 December. Not my proudest moment. But, you know, I'm dealing with it. Who thought was it was yours?

It was just someone else. Yeah, I was black out drunk. I don't remember most of it. What happened? Like I said, I don't remember leaving my buddy's house

to waking up in a hospital big cuff to it. But luckily nobody was hurt. What did you wreck into? Two parked cars. Wow.

Yeah. Won't put a plug and won't put a load. Right. Yeah. That's what it was.

Yeah. Yep. Oh, my God. You did this for one time. Yeah.

Sorry. No, go for it. Let's do it. I'm leaving this bar. And I was driving a Honda Corridor whatever.

Yeah. Because I was fucking having kind of a tough time or whatever. And anyway, I go get in my car. There's a cop car right next to it. I go get in it.

And then I'm looking in there. And I'm like, there's a baby seat in my car.

“And I'm like, thinking, oh, somebody snuck in here with their baby, right?”

I got in the wrong car. There's a cop right next to me in his car. He's kind of looking over at me. And now I'm like, trying to, I can't start this car. He's a fucking not mine.

So I had to pop the hood. Dude, this cop's looking under the hood with me. Oh, somebody else is my car. Damn. And I thought my shit was bad.

Okay, man. He's up with the fuck yo doing. And I was like, I'm just helping this officer. Did they fucking, yeah? Said that's what I'm saying.

B.L.M. homie. That's right. Hell, yeah. That's right. That's right.

Thank you. Ethan Griggs, who leave an air with a medium joke for congratulations. Thank you very much. Ethan Griggs, everybody. All right.

Theo, you don't have to get up for all these. Oh, fuck.

But I never seen nothing like this before.

Leo, jelly roll, good night, everybody. Oh, shit. Look at that.

“People are going to be like, wow, Theo jelly roll”

in Woody Harrelson's gay son. We're all in the same place at the same time. This podcast is sponsored by Zipper Kruter. Did you know that the average employer has to sort through roughly 250 resumes per job opening.

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goes by the name of Charles Haycock. Everyone, here we go. Well, I'm trying to talk to more women now.

But it should be good because I don't have autism because I've never been tested.

And I think that's how you beat it.

“I think that's the only cure I've heard of.”

But my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him. And you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I feel like, well, it's not part time.

This is not weekends at the club Monday back to puzzles. [ Laughter ] I did try to get tested due when I was in Canada, where it's free there, but they're busy. So they, you know, they've thrown me back.

Like they're like, sorry, so the way time is seven years. What the, to find out if I've autism seven years? No, that's 3,461 days. No. Oh, I can't do that.

That's a Tuesday. No, a Tuesday is when the train comes. That's what I said. Thank you, God. Unbelievable.

Charles Haycock.

Welcome, welcome, my friend.

What a rock star you are. How long you've been going to stand up? I've been doing it for 12 years. Fuck you, man. Where are I? Canada and Edmonton and Alberta.

Okay, tell me, yeah. Oh, you did that. What's your name? Have we ever met before? Not, dude. I've never met you.

My name's Charles. Charles Theo. It's the pleasure. Thanks. Yeah, I thought maybe I'd met you before. Because I used to do a lot of shows up there,

and I thought maybe we'd met one time. Okay, cool. You meet a lot of guys like me. [laughter] I don't know. [cheers and applause]

It happens. I'm not even gay. [laughter] Okay, I am a guy who likes women, dude. You just see some of the drawings in my diary.

[laughter] I'm flattered, this all, you know? No, I thought we had met before, though. I'm 100% serious with you. I thought we had met one time. Oh, okay, okay, we're done. It's a good idea.

All right, okay. Very good. One note, real good. But you're honest though, if you was gay, bro, because we don't know. [laughter] Yeah, I mean.

“Would you smash this little fucking beetle muffin' over you?”

I mean, well, we're like, I think we're both bottoms, so those batteries don't go that way. You know what I mean? They have to go a lot of things. Yeah, yeah.

You can't have two super gay guys, never mind.

Whatever, dude. I love it. Charles, tell us about your life up in Canada. My life in Canada, well, shit, I moved to Texas this last year. Oh, thanks. Congratulations. Thank you, sir.

You got citizenship and everything? No, I do not have papers. I do have papers. Okay. I'm hoping to get permanent papers later. But Canada is a good time, and I finally started dating a female girl. Nice.

And tell us about that. How's that going? It's going good. I had a dry spell for like nine years. Whoa, that's very dry. Yeah, and it was rough. Like the only girl I had a crush on during that was,

I met an Amish girl and the only place you can find them is like when they're selling furniture. And then she was great, but getting their drawers. I was sorry. And that's not even a real joke.

I just read that somewhere on the block in the back of my brain. And I was like, who wrote this? Some. Yeah. I got to get her whatever. Yeah.

Anyway, carry on. I'm sorry. I just wanted to see an erupting, and it's not very nice. It's great. And I am sorry. It's great. We love it.

Yeah. I had to pretend that I was interested in their $17,000 drawers, but they're pretty pricey. And then I waited nine years and then I met a girl who's not Amish, so I'm allowed to date her.

But how, yeah. She's.

“And what was it about the Amish that was bringing you over there?”

Can I ask him out? Yeah, absolutely.

Have you seen a lot of Amish?

I haven't seen that many Amish before. I met probably maybe 11 Amish people in the whole life. Yeah. I cast it with two of them. Exactly.

I've seen clips without one. Yeah.

“How is that allowed? Is that not against their whole shit?”

Well, they wouldn't know. I don't reckon. Yeah. Yeah. They look fine now. Yeah.

Okay. They just think they're just talking in like a weird shape or something. Yeah. But don't you feel like you're spoiling their existence a little bit by exposing them to the world?

You were trying to fuck one. Yeah. Yeah. You're over here. Planned.

Let's hide in the back of Narnia closet or whatever.

Let me take you to see my lying. Let me show you that pants add nand or whatever. Did you make an attempt? What was the best attempt you made at hooking up with the Amish girl? Yeah.

I was scared of him because I was talking to him. And then like four of her dad showed up immediately. Oh, yeah. They have so many dads. And they looked at me like there's no fucking chance.

Oh, yeah. So I got the heck out of there.

“But you can only fuck them during Rumpel Springer or whatever.”

It's called. There's red band everybody. If you're wondering what it sounds like when he talks. There you go. Rumpel Springer everyone.

There's some big generates in the crowd. Some die hard graphic fans. There you go. Rumpel Springer everybody. It's your Doritos joke of the night, everyone.

Amazing Charles. What else about you? You seem like a guy that's got an interestingly complex life. Oh, I started in Canada to make money. I go and I have a YoYo company.

Oh, I knew that was something. See Theo, you looked at me funny there. She's got a YoYo company. You're right. We just.

We just got canceled. We just got canceled recently though. So we're not making money this year. Oh, no. Well, that company probably had imagined that industry has a lot of ups and downs.

Yeah, the other things. Yeah. They.

“It's an old Rumpel Springer, but it'll be for now.”

Amazing. So the YoYo company got canceled or just went out of business. No, I got like so like our manufacturer was in America. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

I sound pretty sick when I say it doesn't sound good. I mean, I want to, I want to know more about it. I do. And I'm, I really do. I'm sorry.

My attitude's been weird today. No, but it's probably. Yeah, no, we, we Americans make our shit. But the thing is in America like the YoYo scene is kind of run by, I guess you call it the Wokeo Yo mob.

You guys know about this, right? Oh, yeah. So, uh, and they're also autistic. So like imagine. Yeah, we have one.

Come on, come on up here, Cole. No, come on, come on around. Yeah, the way. We have a, we have a YoYo guy. We have a YoYo guy that actually knows your company.

Yeah, yeah. One of our main people. Do we little YoYo, Cole? Hell yeah. There he is.

Sun believable, ladies and gentlemen. What are the odds? One of the greatest YoYoers in the world. It happens to be a five year veteran employee of the Kiltoni enterprise. Right, when you think this podcast doesn't get any cooler.

We YoYo. Amazing. Look at that. Charles, you're awesome, dude. Come back any time.

We'll see you soon. Charles Hancock, everybody. There he goes. Tell me. All right.

We have a special treat ladies and gentlemen. A special treat for you. This man is making his Kiltoni debut. He's an internet sensation. You very likely follow him on Instagram.

Very funny man. Mixed noise for little mocks for rallying everybody. [Music] Watch him out. Shut the fuck up at a bear.

Stay put. I'm from New York City. I don't know you guys act like you don't fucking understand me. But I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish.

We're all you. I throw one word out of you. What's up? Let me get a big and egg and cheese poppy. [Laughter]

People do it to a times old time. They come to fuck a little Italy. They start acting the time. You guys got freckles in shit. Let me get a chicken color.

Palmage. Fresh mozzarella. Right. Papas tell you. Such a genius.

That's fucking Norwegian.

You know where you never do it though.

You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant. It's acting Chinese, no? Lay home mouth. Let me get a pork fried rice.

They don't do it. They get disrespectful. They start yelling. Let's make pork fried rice.

“They think you can understand me if you talk loud.”

You know? Did this be respectful?

See, I always show them respect.

Like, let's see for instance, I go for a steak. I bring the bones home and I bring it to the restaurant. For the dog. The burrito yard. How are you doing?

[Laughter] I was going to say to eat the dog, but then I said somebody might fuck me up out here. I see a couple of Asians. Kim Jong-un's over there. What's up, Mom?

How does he feel to never write a roller coaster? [Laughter] Little mo mozzarella ladies and gentlemen. Making his coaxoni debut. Very funny.

Lots of energy. Oh, shit. You just hit the hardware. Oh, you're right. I told him to hold fucking 20 hours to get it.

Did you really add? All right, everybody. [Laughter] Well, you are the man. Good to see you tonight.

May you really do 20 hours of it here? No, I drove by fuckers six. [Laughter] I said, though. I was in Oklahoma to food their socks, Mom.

They eat testicles. You know, anybody from Oklahoma to eat testicles? Yeah.

And they eat it like two grapes.

I won't even have fucking hot dog in front of people. [Laughter] You don't eat them? It's called lamb something. Look it up.

Yeah. Lamb. It's a thing. That's how you beat it. Unbelievable.

Yes. Look it up. This is the real. This is how we eat it. Fuckin' Oklahoma.

I drove here. Listen. I got to rent the car. This fucking rent the car. Just 29 miles or whatever.

I thought that that was how much gifts I had. I ran out of gifts. [Laughter] I didn't know what to do. I called the fuck.

I didn't want to buy this. Come over here. I'm going to give you $100. Go get the tank and come in and fuck and look out for me. He goes, how do you know I could trust you?

I said, I'm a fucking designer again, Mom. I'm taking a shot. Let me tell you my history with a little mo. I can't remember what or why or how. But we were all out one night.

Me, him, and Shane. And Shane's like, you got to meet my friend. This is a little mo. And he was like this, right? And I'm like, this guy's not even real.

And then after about 5 or 10 minutes, we hung out the rest of the night. He had me absolutely cracking up. I'm looking for a small good spot again. Yeah, you're going to smoke hot tonight. I don't know.

This guy I go into the table. I get anxiety. Did you smoke it a lot when you were on? Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. A little mo. A little mo's about to be both ethical things. So fucking Charlie was an engineer.

[LAUGHTER] Hello, but what do you want to do? Well, Zampic, I'm on the majority. [LAUGHTER] How you doing with you?

Majaro, sounds a tag. You got up. You're doing jazz. You know how you say you get this shit in time? You used to sell each air conditioning?

I used to do a conditioner. That's what I did for Luna. Yeah. My God. But you're not an h-back for a while.

Does he? Yeah, he did. Is he the helpboard that he's a mechanic? He's the-- he'd passed away. Oh, you did?

Yeah. You don't want to work with-- Oh, God was-- Yeah. He would get in there.

You say you can this shit in time. You're saying you can this shit in time. You're saying you can this shit in time. It can this. [LAUGHTER]

Tell us more about-- [LAUGHTER] Fuck it's staring at me. It's a jinx this guy. Yeah.

It's a mess. Fuck up from the past over here.

We, you know, we always have all these different shapes and sizes of characters.

I'm Italian. I don't sound like you are not from New York, I'm from New York, I'm from New York. Let me tell you something. You had some guy on the old day, he had a gobb고 shirt. Yeah.

He was a fake a time. I saw that. That should mean become. Yeah. I should do need the real fucking thing.

“And that's what I was just going to say.”

We never get any fucking real Italian. Nobody does. They act a time. There's no real one. I'm the only one left.

Tell us more. Teach us some more. It's true. It really is true. There's nothing.

Fuck me in this guy. I sat at the end of a bar. I'm cracking up for fucking hours because I couldn't get enough of it. It's who he really is. Give us some more of your Italian New York wisdom, Lil Mil.

If you don't speak Italian, all you need to know how to do is say this. What do you want to know? How you doing? I don't want to pounce. That's exactly right.

Tell us about Brooklyn. What is it about it? All right. So it's going to change now. You know, back in the day was different.

You know, hang out on a stool. You know, I mean, the girl walks by. You got how you're doing. You know, different levels. Different.

Different how you're doing. You don't want to throw up. Five. How you're doing. You know, you got how you're doing.

Because she might get, you know, she'll get a little cocky. You don't want to get cocky. You know, masturbated or whatever. Yes. You got to bring it down.

You know what I'm saying? My friend assisted, man.

“I remember the first girl I said how you're doing.”

Yeah. She was a sweetheart, you know? Oh, yeah. I wore a nice pair of shoes. She goes, how do I look at him?

I said, take him out of fucking box. You're bombing. [ Laughter ]

Are you a door?

Are we getting Jewish guys out here?

Oh, yeah. They're out. They don't make any noise. How are you doing? They're laying low right now.

Jews are hiding in the dark right now. They'll throw. Counting in the dark. So what else we got about being in time? I mean, I absolutely love it.

You know, I don't know. What else we got about being in time? I mean, I absolutely love it. You know, I just found a great Italian place that I've been telling everybody about ball the new cheese here in Austin, Texas.

And, uh, and I love it. We've been ordering from there continuously. I'm talking about. No one's crazy about time. You can name any piece of food.

And you can make a sound like a dick. Okay. Here's my brajol. I got the brajol right here. Yeah.

Hide the salam. Yeah. Look at my little fucking pasta fuzzle.

It always, you can make an ain't it?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Some ain't ever rock. Yeah.

Where are the real Italians at?

“Like, we're, we're, we're, we're honestly if we were going to go look for some Italians”

or if people wanted to find some Italians. Well, we have our own culture. We're Italian America with different Italians. They don't even like us, really. Really?

They do a little bit because they got to deal with us. I'll fucking kick them out of it. Fucking country. Where are the realest ones in America still at? If you want to get the most of them?

Well, you got something to Chicago and shit. You got where he's from. Youngston is Italians. But in New York, we got Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the Bronx, St. Island, two San Juan's got a lot of times. Queens got the all the five girls got a time. Oh

My god Ladies and gentlemen Low true ski did white face true true ski did white face and now the madness is doing white face This is incredible

You never know what can happen here on Kiltown. Every once in a while. I gotta go to Brooklyn deal

You're from the world. Yeah, I'm from the world. Was that chain? Fucking blind is a bet. What are you from the wall and I'm from outside in the wall Oh, I used to go there when I was a kid. Did you believe what were you guys doing everything? My friend had a place

“So you should go to Gabby remember the Abby was like a late night joint. It was serious. Oh, check your fingers in shit. The Abby no”

I had no place made in voyage Made in voyage. Yeah I just remembered it. You know it. Yeah, I'll forget it again I'm sure, but yeah, I did remember it right? You guys select the fucking memory mall. Made in voyage was a little bit It was it was okay

People like different stuff, I you know I didn't like it. I like Boston better. You like Boston. Yeah, I like Boston too. I didn't think they wouldn't like me out there But they like what you think that is I'm Italian and I can. No, it's not a lot of Irish when kids I was trying to fight old yep, so I figured I went to Boston. They'll be the shit out of me. They like me. We need more this shit You need old school shit back, right? Yeah

You believe in several types. I think I when it comes to decks. I think it's show I'm gonna tell you why I Look at people's picks and you're one so well Not because of gay. I'm gonna tell you what it is. Yeah, what is it? I'm gonna tell you is my grandfather was ugly and he had no money And he banged my grandma for 50 years. She stayed with him. So I extra she goes because he's

So it made me saw looking I says let me see what people work with this way. I can have an edge You know what I mean and then what happened? You look like this. You go like this So you go like you can take a piss and he go big a boat Now if they got a little guy you could blackmail him or you could pump their ego up like you go like I don't know if it's your boss to some right up the fucking corporate

How you though a little mo I fucking love you. You got to follow this guy on Instagram Do it here's a big joke, but little mom and a thorn to you Very god, but mix and I said oh my god. Look how long are you in town for I'm gonna I'm saving two nights So when you leave. I don't know two fucking nights

“Hey real quick little mo real quick jump back on that mic real quick. What do I want to bronze?”

What's the best show you've ever seen in New York City you're you're true New York right yeah all the way What's the the Rockets Nah, okay DMX DMX where'd you see him at she had some a jam way to fuck his eyes that New York No, it may be Jersey okay What a fuck did I see the warriors? I don't know what it what shows have you seen a Madison Square Garden change? What just change nice

We're doing two nights of Madison Square Garden August 7th in 8th will you come back?

“Yeah, how you go and low mo mozzarella a good 620 in a mix absolutely”

One more time for the cameo of Shane Hill was everybody what a what a crazy world we're living in With a big as can be seen in the world stops in and pretends to be blind for 10 seconds He'll be hosting the road step Kevin Hart on May 10th live on Netflix It's gonna be hell of a roast. I'll be there a roast thing yet again on the biggest roast of all time So roast if Kevin Hart gates head

Two days earlier me and belly roll or at the green theater and a reminder this Friday

Bus boys starting the oven and David Spade out in theaters everywhere Go to a movie theater people Find the popcorn and a large soda and enjoy yourself throw extra butter on it ladies and gentlemen. You're next fucking full everybody goes by the name of T Austin everybody What's up what's up now? I came out here. I'm a little angry, but I'm not angry with you

I don't like them all. Fuckers that sounds so I came up with a few ways to just start a world and I only got a minute

To do so the first one would be for you religious small fuckers. I won't whoever you believe in Jews Jesus

My hobby whoever I hope you come so that way the rest of us can be I have screaming like all these shit You can't say that shit because God is here the second way you already got down the truck And they're doing this thing working on Israel. We working on them balls that would be fun and but fuck that we're living that one now the third way Fucking thriller I don't know my goddamn zombies. I've been watching the walkin dead I've been practicing my mother fuck the shit Michael getting ready to come out. I'm going to see that shit

I want to live it the fourth way that eye because it could be anything you guys

“I could drop a bomb a penis in hand drop half you motherfuckers the fourth way that I believe that we deserve it because Donald Trump said it's true. He's got down aliens”

We're already here. Thank y'all. I'm T Austin T Austin ladies and gentlemen John D's. I'm going to check over John D's here What did he just say bunch of shit Some I'm sorry Everyone in this room is now dumber

Welcome for okay welcome T how long have you been doing stand up my dear friend? I have been doing stand up often off a bat Maybe 6 years my dog 6 geos oh 6 yeah, we're at San Antonio, okay, I'm originally from George John can tell yeah, all right. I was in I was in Texas for 20 years. Don't so I'm officially a DS TB as well as a DS GB Bad mom fuck all the way around. What's a DS TB? Oh? That's the down south Texas boy

GB George about George a boy. Oh, oh past the choice. That's my dog. Okay. I don't know I'm but I'll listen to the music and what is the T stand for T. It's a letter just You have T. Yeah, wow You see I count my hand in my pocket. I ain't got no fingerprints. I don't want nobody telling on me Okay, I again. I really need a translator

“Come on here everything you're saying brother. Oh T. Austin. What do you not do for work? What do I not do the work well?”

I am a retired drawer deal. I used to sell marijuana. Okay, we didn't okay illegal and I'm bitches took it from a bucket But now I work at a grocery store and I give out samples the nice folks like you white people here in front of me today All right, look at you working at the grocery store. Nice. Yeah, I'm broke in a bitch. I need a job Let's check and who likes a sample the most who's the most when you're in there if you're working like in the if you're in the sample street Who is the person? No, what that you know? I'm saying take me through some of them samples. All right, so look. I got I got a photo come through

I got my air day people that let me try to let me talk a little bit clearer Yeah, so I have every day people that like to come in and they will eat what I make because it is very very delicious But the some bitches don't buy it. I don't care about you loving what I make. I care about you

We love the ANNC. He has the question and who the worst people that come through there? Who's the worst type of sample of

Yeah, if you had to describe what they look like. Oh Check this out. I won't but I'll describe they pocket. They got a lot of money. All right, people with a lot of money. We mean as fuck Really? What's the meanest thing anybody's ever said to you while you're getting out you know what you didn't do it I was surprised cuz I heard about you, but I didn't take it like that, but they come up and they say my brother Yeah, I get it. Yeah, oh, not your brother. I don't know you and I tell them no sir

I do I do not understand what you're seeing to me right now You say that to the white people that say that I didn't say that you said that I said it to anybody who say that

“But if you want to say it's white people sir, I'll take that sort of a black guy came up to you and said my brother”

Delicious sample it depends on how you say it. All right. How about how I said it?

I would I would depend on how you say it all right. What if I was like my brother delicious sample? I'd be like well, thank you sir, and I really do appreciate that all right perfect if you would have said anything else I would have asked to speak to your manager I appreciate this shit. I really didn't know I was gonna get caught on here It is really a fucking honor. I hope I get goofy. I'll fuck with it. I hope I get caught. Are you closing out your own interview right now?

I am fucking nervous. It's what happens. You're in the you're in the bin league and we know you didn't think you were gonna get called That's how the show works. And it's also your dress for not getting called Hey, I got off of work in king here. You did it. I'm poor. I have to work type shit So I got a buck you see me. You see me put it in my pocket. I help you boy. Ah, there you go. Love y'all. Catch him at Trader Jamal's T. Austin everybody

Theo doing his classic meet and greet

“Trademark standing ovation for everyone scary thing. It is I could never do that”

Yeah, you could you wait there for I could not do it. We used to do three minutes at the comedy story at the open My minutes, but you can practice and for a long time. It just feels very, um, it feels like stream to me It well, yeah, it is carry on. It's the thing Ladies and gentlemen your next bucket full goes by the name of Brian's stupid Brian's stupid Everybody so I'm a man so I get a I get a little discouraged about the double standard that exists on line between men and women

For example a girl composed herself at the beach wearing a bikini It's thousands of likes hundreds of comments from other girls say things I guess queen Slag girl Pop off Diva I say one innocent comment like wow, what a babe and I get blasted. They say creep

“They say loser or most often they say wow, dude. She's only 11. Can you believe this people?”

So I don't do many impressions I do one This is my impression of a Latina But not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeous

So give me a second while I get in a character

So I Mexicana so I Mexicana so I Mexicana no, no, no CCC okay least though I'm breaking up with you Brian Hey Brian's stupid welcome Brian this is your first time on the show Sure is welcome welcome how long you've been on stand-up comedy since June. We're at Mostly six or you live here in Austin. Yeah, I work next door. What made you want to start six months ago?

It's a long story, but I was I ran out of money in Italy and my buddy's like come say with me and try stand-up comedy So I was like right where was that? In Italy or what you're in Italy you ran out of money your buddies like come move he lives in cow He lives in here and yes, okay. Yes, all right. Yeah, so where'd you live before that so I'm from Northern California But I do a lot of travel so I spent like most of the last

10, 15 years traveling. I am a linguist so I like travel the learn languages. I'll pick up like all jobs. You teach the last guy how to talk I mean I can help people that you know, I can't help lost causes, you know, right. Okay, so How did you run out of money in Italy? Exactly. What did you do out there? So I published an Italian book And I was I had this idea where I could promote it. I was gonna walk the length of Italy with a hundred Buc copies of my book in a shopping cart and I was gonna push it the length of Italy trading it every day for food and lodging

Wow, and when I got the row my ran out of books and ran out of money and so I was like, you know I was just waiting in the airport there for five days until my book royalties came in and then I flew home all things lead to Rome

Yeah, it's true Italy itself was actually a pivot to yeah. Yeah. I tried to I tried to walk Africa before that. Oh

“Yeah, not a lot of book buyers up there. No, no that one was just for me. That was your fun. Uh-huh. Yeah”

I made it a third of the way. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What was that like it was nice? It was great

So I went from Cape Town, South Africa to the Democratic Republic of Congo. So I did like all the South Africa all in the maybe all of Angola and then when I got to the board of the DRC I kept getting robbed so I I who If you had a guess yeah When you said kept getting robbed how many times do you think you were robbed? No, it was it was three and a week and a half

Yeah, yeah, so it was um the first time I just got jumped by like high school age kids Can I show you it's yeah? Yeah, I mean show me like what yeah Don't worry you're safe. You work with all those kids. How we went so it was they were like so it was like You need me to stand up for this thing or something kind of what Brian you know, let's not do let's not make the award winning artist do anything written by you Brian

“So no, they were they were like they were kind of um”

Fucking people Can I use you like a mannequin there? Uh, just leave your Grammys at the table. I'll just stand up for me I'm a random fucking open micro that's been has six months of experience Kelly's ready for it. Yeah, he's down the butt fight fuck. I'm down down at this point. I kind of want to see it fuck Let's go

We're clearly anything can happen So they were like six three one twenty so I'm walking behind I'm fucking flattered So they're walking behind and I wasn't sure what he was trying to do so he grabs me by the back and he like I was like what and then he kept doing it like he's like, you know, and so I fought them off and that's all It's you're good now. That's it. Yeah, just stupid as I thought I would be everybody

Brian stupid needing a human yeah that act out. Yeah, but the second time was a little bit scary

They had AK 47's they put one of my mouth way yeah And what is yeah? Good question red band Clearly redeeming himself the question everybody wanted to ask What's up? Did you get hard? Did you get hard? I stay hard, Tony. Oh, very good. Yeah, there we go

And then the third time it was uh it was like they were meant with me. No, no, you can't just breeze through the

“What exactly did they call this one? Yeah, what did they get out of you? What did they rob out of you?”

At that time I saw I was in the wand angle which is the capital of in gola and I just I was doing it I don't see it Go ahead. I had I just had like my phone and my money on me because I left I was staying with the local there So I had like my backpack with them so that wasn't on me and They were supported by a family pack. No, where's the money? Okay. No, it was just in my pockets

I was just going to a TV interview was like six in the morning and I was like, how much do you think you had on you? Like 90 bucks. Okay. Yeah, so you know It's like a lot there, but I was yeah, it's a lot anywhere man. Yeah, yeah Especially there. Yeah, so as I was walking I was stupid like I just had my phone out using GPS and I'm like, oh, yeah. Fuck. I'd rob you if I saw you And then I yeah, as I'm as I'm walking there like two guys sitting on a stoop and they ran in opposite directions

I was like, okay, this is interesting and then they came back with a case and yeah, they they speak Portuguese and English Like feca feca feca feca feca which means stay in Portuguese, and so I had my phone and I was just like Exactly, they could have used fucking those guns that just say bang the fly it comes It was frustrating because it was it was like a five foot two inch. It was like Kevin Hart was robbing me You know, it was like it was really a masculinity

Yeah, and then One of the guys when you was emptying my pocket. I did have my sunscreen on me. Oh, yeah The one thing they allowed you to keep. No, they took that out so you don't need this right, you know But what happened was the guy dropped it in that panic the other guy with the gun and he like hit me and like put it

It's like I was like I'm not even doing anything all right, and then the third time

So I was I was at the border of the DRC and I was walking and guys walked by me and then I was a fisherman group So it's like one guy's carrying fish another three are carrying machetes and so they like Oh, you'll fish machete trip So that sounds about but it's not terribly uncommon in that part of road. You see people walking with machetes like they're I've walked hundreds of miles with people with machetes so but these people with it was made it sketchy

Was they turned around and they started following me and I was like, all right, maybe I dropped something I didn't so I picked up my speed. They picked up their speed. I started jogging. They started jogging

Like the brush was about this high so I like I found a spot to hide and they're like looking for me for like 45 minutes

“I'm like hiding on top of my bag and then they eventually left but I waited another few hours because”

They could have just been waiting on the road, you know, of course, and I'm like hearing things rustle on the bushes this whole time And the previous week or so I'd seen half a dozen black momma's or so across the road, so I'm just like Maybe it's time to come home. Yeah Oh Can we still sing did he?

What do we sing that did he is it really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I like y'all just like the song There's a medium joke book my friend that goes Brian appreciate you get that cap everybody We're flying through it here tonight Yeah, you guys so I've been fun out there you get it

“Thanks for my spare next fucking full ladies and gentlemen in full Luke Robbins and everybody”

Elon Musk is making neuralic, so people can talk to their pets. Oh Now they can tell us just how much they love us I don't know but I've thought about it fucking a lot Imagine dog dads having the newter talk after a painful conversation about cutting their balls off Maybe like please poppy I promise to keep my picker in my pants

Due to be so traumatized they'd never neutered dogs ever again and the straight population would go

Stay at a control and if dogs and talk they can understand TV Imagine coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN Poppy she's so smart Next day dogs on the doorstep of a shelter with a note good dog, but he's a fucking Democrat Thank you. I'm Luke Robinson. They call me your big dog. Thank you Luke Robinson. Amazing. Very very compelling

Very good job, man Luke welcome welcome How long have you been doing stand-up comedy this way fifth time talking to that microphone fifth time obviously on stage and How did the other four times go? um first one was a Memphis uh now I'm sorry the first one was in Little Rock, Memphis was second

Third was Creek. I'm third was LOL and San Antonio. Okay, and that's when I got my first positive feedback from the audience that my writing is really solid I do a lot of dog jokes. I'm a big dog guy. Yeah, and specialized in dog material. I noticed that I do I lost a of lost three dogs a cancer. I've walked four thousand two Oh, I mean starting with how many dogs you've lost to cancer is something else

That is incredible. Yeah. What are you? Where you what? I'm five

He's lost three dogs the king. Not not all the same time. What is going on? Oh, but I'll do what I'm doing that

“Are you giving them cigarettes? I just look up back on their calls, right? Yeah. What were you doing, man?”

Well, my first one was bone cancer, and that was embossed. I know it. Yes, but cancer happens embossed, but what I'm saying is Do give it up and do some metals. Yeah. How much does not get a dog? Absolutely, and fortunately I'm on my fifth period. So oh You started with how many dogs have died under your two-to-litch. How many have survived? Do you have any living dogs? I have one. He's three like it though, so Oh my god, what is happening How did they how did your dog lose its leg? Well that was abuse before me. Not not me. Oh my god

I made the people before him left him outside tied to a tree. It was a lot lasted right it was like yeah He said it not I before I got up my foster to him and he was like Poppy, I'll be the best son to you. Please adopt me. I signed the papers after that. He's been the most in grateful great Pernies I've ever had he's grateful. I'm grateful. I'm grateful. I'm grateful great Pernies Check in with jelly roll. This is this is really close to sound like a jelly roll salt. Oh my

My exit kind of in I kind of texted my first dog

Kind of is is I moved a boss and my first dog got cancer my girlfriend left me and she took the truck So I totally became a country song What was she but I ended up walking after losing three dogs. I've walked a total of four thousand two hundred and fifty miles Sort of a foundation What we try to understand why dogs get cancer like people so I try to turn the loss you walk across America or Africa

America three different times awesome a boss and was my first one Then the west coast from Canada, Mexico is my second one my last one. My third one was the entire length of the Hudson River

In a and round of applause for doing that man. That's okay, yeah

“Red band takes a petty cab to his condo for a block for way”

Cat guy But he's also gonna lose a leg soon, so You join me my next one my next walk you enjoy me, but I have to lose another dog. Oh, yes Um, what was the bet what was your favorite walk to be honest? That's it cuz just interests and somebody that walked There was much play that many places. Austin a boss that was the best one

That was 2300 miles with over two years with my two dogs So why would you do the best though? That's kind of hard the west coast was the west coast was just weird all together and They say they're animal friendly, but when you look like a homeless guy walking with a dog They don't treat you like they like you're part of there. So it was just a different experience

I find that people from the Austin of Boston where I walked across 16 states including DC and the people were just incredible

It was just like nothing nothing you see on TV

“It doesn't nothing good to speak to the experience. It's just like selling selling all your stuff putting everything to storage and just”

Walking with your dogs cross country. It was So much grace and glory in that experience. How do you make money? I Look at me. I'm 55 I'm up here on the stage trying out for our economies I've been doing this for since I last lost my first dog 20 years ago, so you've been doing what not living in the non-profit world Trying to solve canine cancer companion animal cancer, right? So do you think you'd be next solving canine

cancer is More important than solving human cancer. Well, they're what science is taught us. This is the interesting thing is especially a dog cancer It's pretty much the same thing like 90% of all cancers dogs get that people get look They look the same. They act the same. It's kind of one of the things as science is taught us Right, do people say a lot of it's from a

Chobani yogurt. Do you seen all of that? Yeah, yeah Dude, it could be do dogs get lead do dogs get more breast cancer than normal Animals because all the nipples and stuff Yes, they do get very question Do they yeah, they they do get memory cancer

Have you ever been fat? I haven't been what have you ever been fat fat? Yeah. Absolutely. I'm a toy

“Yeah, you should be a sugar guy totally. Yeah, like if you lost a lot of weight a lot yeah”

How much probably about a hundred pounds? I know you have you look fantastic By the way, I can tell I know my kind what I see on you look. Yeah, you look like you get it gains lamps shades under there Feeling I like it's gonna look like you should have been right here too Very funny, very true observation by jelly roll I'm now looking at it your belt is made of belt loops there are belts around everywhere the titties is where you're supposed to look

You can see that. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, you got this skin where tini's one tool

I'm struggling with the same thing. Oh, yeah, absolutely incredible

So let me ask you that switch or love life like you're out there walking dogs three-legged dogs You must get a lot of what's a lot better than it was a hundred pounds ago I can promise you that yeah, yeah, I know when you're on the road you're walking man You smell like basically piss and dog ass all the time. Oh, it's like almost guys, so there's yeah So it's been no while since I've had you know, I just just been a dry spell so it's been

Malong time and so yeah, that's okay. Yeah What was I gonna say something oh Do you you do you have it what what is your your non-profit called it's a puppy up so Like some people don't Texas take cowboy up or man up. We puppy up. So that was my battle cry from our first walk because I knew it was gonna be long and hard So we puppy up y'all. Absolutely adorable. We all have to puppy up in life

Definitely Here you go my friend. There's a medium size Wow, you got a little dog in you There he goes ladies and gentlemen Lupin Robinson

There he goes There he goes Very dog cancer heavy eight minutes that was You guys still hanging in there Thanks for my career next bucket pull a Matt Campbell everybody Matt Campbell here we go

Hello We've got crap nicknames Show hands if they have a crap nick name No Just me fuck you guys all right

Now I just want to say cuz like you know when you get a crap nickname like bug a face or like nump tea or something horrible like that

Maybe you could a test. Maybe you could a test. I don't know

But it always comes from the ones you love you know what I mean? It's never from people you hate

Like my granddad when I was a fat kid called me buster bacon Not as bad as my little brother he called him eight off And his justification for that was is whenever he screamed he got exactly what he wanted I mean he could have called him Donald it would have worked the same So I though my dad sealed the name deal with my brother because my brother came out of the closet and

His name is Benedict that's already I'm British my brother's name's Benedict and already had a good start And my brother on the couch just yells dad the door is ringing and my dad just goes yeah

“Matt Campbell welcome Matt you want to finish that or was it read done there?”

I was just I was just gonna say my brother's name was bendy dick after that. That was uh, okay

All right, well, what are you English? Yeah, okay how long you been in America? I've been in America about nine years now All right, yeah, okay, we're at I lived in Colorado Springs for like Eight years and then I moved here like seven months ago so like almost nine years I've been in America I do the math, right? Yeah, okay, what's school? Do you go to Hogwarts?

I do look like a bit of like I'm wearing like a weasely sweater right now There's no What do you do for work? I'm a I wait tables now, okay I used to be a valet a W hotel, but now I wait tables. Okay, were you waiting tables out? Cousin Louise shout out Cousin Louise up a drip experience great place work. All right, and that's where you live dripping springs. Yeah

No, I don't live there. I live just 10 minutes outside of town. So it's a bit of a drive to drive a long time That's worth about money's minutes the money's pretty good. Okay, yeah, and are you Welsh land? No, not a drop. Not a drop And what does it mean to be Welsh? What it means to be Welsh is you shared sheep for fun I'll stand by that. Okay Yeah, I don't know. I'm gonna think curious about them

Talk to me about the nickname. What was it again? Buster bacon? It was buster bacon. Yeah, they were gonna call me fat back at first And then because I like jelly donuts and my mama didn't know the difference between a jelly donut and a goddamn jelly roll

“It's she called me jelly roll. That was X. I bacon sandwiches. That's what I think that's a true”

Did a lot of people have nicknames where you're from Mostly like rude names like no beds wanker Just a couple other ones, but like we I mean we did that too, but we would make that would be their name like we hit one name shit stain I'm not making this up and we all called him shit

His whole life. I never knew his real name to this day shout out shit. I love you baby

I ain't seen you in a while. I miss you dial shout out shit do brown I had to do bug a tingling you tingling. It was a tingling. This is all true nicknames. You okay? I neighborhood would nicknames too, right? Well, yeah, but I actually a little fun fact since you brought it up is we once did in Nashville Tennessee a roast of jelly roll and you're a smart guy because you did your roast when you were still humongous And you gave us a lot to work with and I just so happened to search my phone for jelly roll roast and

I found an entire file of a jokes that I did on jelly roll I said you're a couple jelly. I said jelly roll is a lizard for red necks I called a Leonard Skidmark Hold on limb biscuit and gravy This is a long file. I did a lot of jokes that night. There's a lot there

Jelly roll is your favorite musician if your favorite meal is corn dog There's a lot here I don't even know where to begin You already started. Yeah, oh, there's this is a gigantic file. I know there's a part where they're going Oh, that really jelly roll

You can see what you can see what I'm still scrolling

“I thought we were free. There's the part where I had at the end. I remember I went on a run of band fucking”

Music puns, but now I've lost. I can't find it now. It doesn't give anything to hear that. It's a life. You're more mature own now, though, bro

Tell us more about your gay British life

“Is it fun being breadsters or is it just seem like it's whatever? Is it even seem like you're doing anything?”

I did recently. It seemed so docile and fucking confused in library in it I did get asked my papers recently. That was a that was a fun experience At like, you know, yeah, have a job just trying to wait tables Yeah, yeah, what do they think you were? I don't know. I have no idea what they thought I was I said Hello, madam. How can I help you today? Where are your papers?

That was the first thing before I could even get to the menu

I was just trying to give us a white egg plant of rotini or something Yeah, how do you do with the ladies? How does that I've got a girlfriend? Okay, where you she's Texan she's in Colorado, but she's from Wyoming Okay, how's that gone? It's good pretty good. You guys talk on the phone a lot. It is it is a lot on face time Guys have fun sex. No, I can't do it really dude. It's too weird, right? Also, I don't know who the fox listening did You guys are all cool with that. You have no idea who's listening

You're like who's like flicking your bean and just get it. Yeah Did you did you interrupt the call so what the fuck was that? I just think we're gonna be listening to like all of us It's gonna have like our porn soundtracks whatever you do something too famous. You know what I mean? Just coming out. I'd be worried Would you let Sorry, I'm just joking

See my access stuff on is other people doing my accent, which is funny

Love British people dude. I like Scottish people actually. I'm gonna Irish people and I like British people Yeah, I'm exactly narrative down. But yes, we're doing well What's the craziest gig you've done here in America stand-up wise? I Did a show in Houston where they were all it was like a drug bizarre drug bizarre

Drugs bizarre What do you mean drug bizarre like everyone was just like like I went I went to like Like go to the green room in all my way. It's just like tables full of like Molly acid we mushrooms

Where this is Houston

This is Houston where exactly in Houston it's this table I could I could find like the details on my phone later

We don't really I have prayed for a green room like that my entire career This is how I imagine the 80s were before phones it fell a little bit like that dope everywhere people having fun Dude, I got this thing one time so I had to do a comedy show at there was something at like the golden Bridge or whatever in California. It's like the really nice bridge golden gay bridge golden gay bridge Even even I know that

“I don't think yeah, I don't know yeah, that's what it is and so anyway I do this thing and it's all it's like a”

We conference right and I said was it like 11 15 or something and I I get up and there's nobody in there There's like one dude who's dressed like a boat captain or something this motherfucker Is he's lost and somebody left somebody up front that like I'd left a sibling up front that was Kind of mentally ill or whatever You know when a God's oysters or whatever

And uh, but brother that didn't put like a little sign on him or anything so I'm fucking This dude is like giving me a lot of grief and shit And I beg I mean so high before the thing bro, it was just so it was embarrassing and sad bro And it was just like God that was harrowing bro, and that was harrowing. I'd be already that that's just That's why we left our country dude

So we can do shit like that I'll tell you guys it's why I left that's my shoe Matt Campbell congratulations. There's a little joke There he goes Matt Campbell ever got that I keep it moving along here Flying right through it on to the next one we go ladies gentlemen here next book a bull goes by the name of Antony Martin everybody Antony Mark

It comes Anthony okay

“Hello, I'm in a YouTube rabbit hole right now. Anyone else?”

Yeah, I'm into young bros beating up pedophiles on the internet have you seen this? Oh my goodness It's phenomenal the way it works. It's like a young bro

I'm Rebecca I'm just hit some

Pances off the chips. I always like living alone is running through he crashes through giant soda tower that looks like the university of Texas

And I like these videos, but I started to feel guilty when you find out that these guys They they have autism or mental disabilities or the running for reelection and I just feel guilty I feel guilty I was sexy with my fiance the other day and I was saying all the dirty stuff of like I'm a ticket down around all over town all that and I

Not good at it, but I send the text and I immediately get a response back from my mother-in-law Said Anthony never text me that again comes say it to my face Anthony Martin everybody hell yeah funny stuff

Anthony where you're from? I'm from Burbank, California. Okay, wow the

“Former home of the tonight show yeah red band you still live there. Are you still live there? What part of Burbank exactly?”

Are you still all the media and victory? No Reposa all right on Glen Oaks Glen Oaks and oh, I don't want to oh you still live there my family still is there. Oh wow Yeah, we don't want these fans. I don't want these guys down your family It's a bunch of angry pedophiles your son was making jokes about us getting beaten up Fuck your son way. No, well fuck your son. Bring me your son

Anthony, what do you do for a living? I work in property management Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 10 years 10 years and you're managing property in Burbank. No, I live in Portland, Oregon right now. I got engaged And that's where her family lives. Okay, all right Portland's nice. It is nice people it gets like a crazy rap because of all like the people like the um Yeah, because all the people that live there. No, just like the Renaissance fair people fighting the fucking

Gay addicts or whatever whatever the shit is. You don't understand the shit that was on the internet But you go there dude. It's fucking cool, man. Yeah, the food there is great. I really like the food Yeah, they do have good food. There's that one big food court. You know what I'm talking about? I didn't need while I was there But we had a great time. I don't know that's as far oh yeah if you do don't know

“It's I think it's from Portland, Oregon. Are that true? Is it? Yes, I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'll be there. I would not agree. Man. This is the kind of shit”

This is the value I bring to tonight's show. You know the origin story of every donut place I call me Jolly roll for a reason The origin story only the ones that are legal as marijuana states from a small dozen in any

I Love it Anthony. Where'd you meet this girl at? Funny enough tender. Okay. Yeah, she was in Portland and you were in Burbank and you're like what's up? Well, we we met in California and then funny story I I knew I loved her from like the moment we met like I met her And I was like god. I love her so much and it's like in creepy. I know I know I know how it felt

“And then over that no no no fucking hour you know but are you insane say it? It's insane. No you have to not say it. No”

I now I met her. I knew that immediately and then she told me she was moving in a Portland, Oregon and I was like oh fuck And then I was like oh yeah, that's cool. That's fine. We wrap up the date and I go back to my car And I'm like punching the passenger seat like god damn it We end up meeting up a few years later and it just she couldn't let me go

Wow, yeah amazing luckily. She did not see you beating your passenger seat aggressively

Right after the date. I mean this could be you yeah, they have scared her away So you just ran into her a few years later Yeah, how did that happen? COVID okay COVID see guys were like chatting again. Yeah, and then you she was not texting me back that often so ladies if you're here's a guy

That's not that's texting you a lot and you're not texting me back that much. Oh fuck you So it's a good point It's a good point. What is she doing Portland what is she sell on Etsy? She's a crystal farmer no She does remote a medical work more complicated than I can explain

I'll help she some what I don't know I know something insurance Stuff it's popular. Yeah, yeah, that sounds about right here. You're managing properties So that's like apartments in Portland. Yes, so what's some of the crazy stuff that you've had to do

I have for how long how long how how dark the story can I tell you Tony?

Let's go so

“There, you might shop a fight talk space prize picks and fly was yeah”

child that man I was working here in Austin, Texas for years ago and You know the close to the office there was a smell a peculiar smell That no one we're like man what's this we got to find the source of the smell and eventually we found a dead body Wow, yes, it had been dead for about it. He it was a person He had killed himself maybe like three months ago

Yeah, and it was just in the apartment. He like right in the apartment. He prepaid his rent or whatever Well, that the reason why we couldn't find him is because he had autopay on oh Wow, that's probably I don't like my job And the idea that they got extra money from this guy who was dead kind of bugs me But yeah, the re-

So we find his body. No, no, I'm gonna say his mom's name, but it's because it's relevant to the story Because at a certain point his mom showed up The no one could find his next to kin his file was so old we couldn't it was a younger guy His mom shows up I got cancer Go ahead that would happen

But his mom shows up and she's like hey, I'm looking for my son and she points to that apartment right there The one the with the smell on all that oh and I was just an assistant at the time and I go to my manager She had a family member die recently. She couldn't speak. She left the office. I had to deliver the news I had to deliver the news. Can you tell us how you broke it? You want to do a re-enactin with jelly roll? Yeah, it's jelly roll Let's see it. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. No, we love that sit man sit down

I just I wanted to there's no easy way to say this He did he died he's he's dead. Oh wow dead

“When you broke the news to her did you leave out the part like did she ask how did she I mean?”

I had no idea her. We didn't know we and fucking tell us dude We all came here tonight. We didn't know at the time he he shot his face with a shotgun God bro, well, hold on. I blame so his neighbors didn't hear anything that's fucking wild His neighbors were just like I don't that's not my business. I think what a fucking what's nuts Did you happen to tell the mom that his body was decomposing for months before he was found?

Yeah, no, I did we I kind of walked her through the beginning of the story we had suspicions There was a smell in the apartment. We call the police. They found the body

Because you never want like when you're maintenance guys to like walk in there and have that on their conscience

But I was sitting on the ground holding her hand while she by the way whales on never be able to forget They only gave me one day off of work Wow Who do you mean by the day? Well, I still have to work with them. So

I'm going to The Lord of the land to a land the war Lord of all the lands on not boarding over any land I don't know any of this now. I know I'm talking about there's a big rich guy and he just tells me He's like going to the apartments and I'm like I don't we that's illegal The rich people have no idea

He's a Skype blind No, no, okay

Never mind that guy's blind though. Okay

Why why are you curious about who's blind around you lack on the inside? Black on the inside you feel You were a way more cross-eyed a second ago Maybe just relax a little too much. It's fine. He was just trying to focus on you Yeah, sitting in the close seat. You're trying to look at both of my ears at the same time Wow, so you found a dead body and that's a hell of a fucking that's a hell of a thing

Yeah, I love it. I'm So the point I want to get to is I'm I'm holding the moms

“And she's wailing she's crying and I ask her I'm trying to comfort her. I'm like what's your name?”

And she's like I'm gay Shit her name is like gay Lord, but just the gay part. I

That's a tear it's so dark, but the to be fair. He had been dead for like a month like I was over it

“Yeah, I was over it. I was finding the humor”

Yeah, we were already making jokes around the office that he was haunting the place yeah And that's that's that's that story. I'm sorry. Oh, that's great fun stuff fun set fun interview Anthony Martin ladies and gentlemen Here you go Anthony Big Joe book. There he goes

Let's get one more bucket pull out of here Shirt ladies and gentlemen your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of a Gabriel Adam everybody Gabriel I recently learned I don't think I just have to stand up here and make no jokes and you guys would all be cracking up. I mean, this is great I don't say I love this

“I recently learned there's some jokes you can't make and stand up comedy”

Last week I did this joke about beating my girlfriend This guy knows what's going on and now I can't fucking find her I'm not sure who went and told her but Somebody gave her the courage to leave and now I can't uh I'm still trying to figure out how she chewed through the chains

That beaver tooth bitch fucking She nibbled away to my heart and I don't know what else to say Seriously though if anybody sees her tell her come Okay, there you go Gabriel Adam one of the most interesting looking people we've ever seen in our life The verdict is in you look hilarious the oban wonderful

Even a pro comic McGregor right here Now it's kind of cheap man. I'm sorry No, but it is nice you come out and people dude, dude, thank you guys you got 25 seconds of free last Yeah, probably made a little bit easier did it? No, not at all. Oh shit. It is so exciting thing I was hoping that would have helped

You never know who a pop out here having the bucky's mascot come out right now is just absolutely incredible

I'm still waiting for that brand-deal money. I mean anytime now very rare is someone both Frightening and adorable at the same time, but somehow you kind of pull off both tell us about this life If I cannot wait to find out about this life. Oh, god. How old are you? I'm 31 years old. Okay 31 Wow You look great like

You do look good Looks like me pretty good. I don't look at you look at god. It's the lucky charms. You know I keep hugging eat them Okay, so let's talk about it. Where are you from?

“I'm from Austin, Minnesota. Whoa. Okay. All right. Yeah, you guys don't know where that is. Don't why?”

Okay, where do you live now? I live in Austin, Texas now. Okay, how long have you lived here? I've been here for about a month and a half. What made you move here? You're sure okay how long have you been doing stand up a month and a half? Okay, so you started a month and a half ago

It's amazing. We're getting down to the bottom of it. I love it. Do you have a job here in Austin? Yeah, I do. I'm an Uber driver

Amazing. Yes, that way you did in Austin, Minnesota as well. No, no, no, not at all. I was a car salesman. Okay, what kind of cars were you selling? I started with Subaru's and then I went to Ford's and then I went to Kia's and wanted to kill myself so I stopped Wow, why'd you choose those? Well, Subaru and Minnesota is super easy to sell. Yeah That's all we'll drive everybody's a little bit like sub there. So yeah And then you went to Ford so you had to sell the actual men. I'd imagine that was hard. Yes, so you're like I'm going to Kia's and fucking

Well, it was complicated actually. I had a fling with one of the Clerics behind the desk and it turned out kind of bad. So is that at Ford or Kia? That was at Ford. Yeah. Yeah, well You seem like a character from tires you know You really do I mean that is a compliment. Yeah, I take it as a compliment

like a carry. Oh, yeah, I love that show. Amazing. Absolutely. So what kind of drugs have you done in your life to look

I've done I've done pretty much every drug under the same. Yeah, my friend. Yes, sir. Absolutely and what was your DOC's that what you guys call it? What was your DOC? I don't know what that means drug a choice. Oh, LSD all day Wow, yeah, it looks like it. Thank you. It looks like it looks like it looks like it looks like it looks like it looks like it looks like he wrote here from Minnesota on a rocket ship

Like riding riding it just like oh, oh, I figured if they can send a million of them to Ukraine. I could borrow one maybe

Where does the last time you did LSD? Uh about two months ago tell me about it That was an interesting experience. I watched this fucking documentary on liquid or paper paper really? Yes, sir. Wow Okay, yeah, my team not in the Fear and low thing in Minnesota He's a romanticist

So what'd you do after taking the paper acid in Minnesota? Well, I had this really sick 4k home theater setup So I had this like 128 inches of beautiful glorified you know as an

“Initiation this is documentary on guyhood about like the dimensions and how fuck and life is put together”

and it was beautiful. I like shot out of my body like four times and came back just laughing hysterically Wow Something's like a blast. Oh, yeah, did you notice that you looked different after that trip? It fucking changed me. That's forgot damn sure absolutely Yeah, incredible

What's your love life like? Oh, it's not existent right now I signed up for sex addicts anonymous recently just to kind of see if I could meet somebody there. That was a It was a terrible idea Thank you really I swear to God. How'd you sign up? I think there's a lot of zooms you can just go to Well when I when I showed up I actually walked through the wrong door and it was just like five geriatric like 80-year-old people

And I was really concerned at the first you know it turned out to be an alcoholic's anonymous meeting there But just a bunch of gay dudes talking about getting fucked in the butt a lot. Oh shit. That's where we met I knew I recognized you from somewhere. You're the guy that walked in and came out There we go. Thank you red bands one fart noise per episode. Beautiful

Amazing so wow that's who goes to the sex addict people that look like me apparently

“Amazing what made you go to that like what makes you think that you're a sex addict?”

You know sometimes I think I look a little bit too long at the gym, you know Staring at women at the gym. Yeah, you know like sure that doesn't bother them at all When they don't see me doing it. No, usually Where do you like to hide what do you hide behind when you do what's your favorite hiding spot at the gym to watch women Or about the first time I've asked that question in 13 years. Oh, beautiful glad

Get some first just whatever machine. I'm using yeah, just kind of peek a little bit behind I'm actually pretty blatant about it. I really don't hide it. It's right. That's good. I like that But you haven't been with the woman since you've been in Austin. I have not no I've had a few in my car, but that's because I'd rather have you kissed a woman since you've been in Austin? I know I haven't kissed you know what we have a little statement

Coming up towards the end of the episode. We've been doing a thing on the show for 13 years where we asked if a lovely lady from the audience that's the courage we have the best fan base in the world. So there's a lady out there

The ones to get this guy is first Austin Kism now's the time to stand up slowly out here

“That you have to volunteer yourself. You can't just point at random. I'm saying to put a wig on again”

How can they look at this guy? How can they're not being a woman that what's this? Really? Nobody? I literally see actual hookers in the audience and none of them will do this. I guess Bucky mascot is not the best celebrity look alike Well, I mean, there's nothing more depressing than no woman wanting to not that many women in here Well, the kind of is I'm seeing a lot of them in this table of fucking dudes

The queen of Kelp Tony the lovely high-d ladies and gentlemen My goodness how do you feel my friend I have to like fucking pinch myself

Nope nice to see you today

“I'll see you at the next one this and man. I think you were fucking hilarious man. I wish you the best brother”

I think you've only been doing it a while you said. Yeah, I think you're gonna kill to keep doing appreciate that I got to tell you I agree with I agree with jelly roll here for doing it a month and a half You have a really really clever brain even the thing about you know going signing up for a sex addict's class

Just to meet women like you have an interesting brain and I think you moved here for good reason where I don't always say that to a lot of people

But you have anyone who has a good eye for premises this early on you'll always get better at doing it and writing it in your way and For a month and a half it's fantastic so you're leaving here with a big joke, but there you go Thank you Yeah, we will Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this everybody and William

Oh my goodness

How about one more time for Heidi everyone? What a legend

What a team player The great William Montgomery is under the weather today everyone

“Yeah, he gives me money. That's why you gotta get however William I do make makes the cameo in bus boys out this Friday”

Yep, we have on gum raise in bus boys You'll be in Patterson makes an appearance a lot of the good Tony family KC rocket the man the myth he'll be back soon

Support the movie y'all support the movie. Oh, but let's go fuck this ass

But before we get out of here even though William's under the weather. I do have an extremely special treat for you He might be one of the top rising comedians of the world. He might be one of the best already if you ask me This kid has been crushing theaters all around the United States of America. You've seen his rise Here on Kiltoni a monster and one day a citizen of the United States of America

“But he remains the Estonia assassin this is a matty”

Are we doing good You shouldn't Because our war is coming Fuck just my luck As soon as I get citizenship drafted

Just yesterday you guys know that America raised it's age limit To 42 for the draft and prior marijuana convictions don't matter Wow, what an army or building So four year old losers You know in Estonia we don't have any limits. We have compulsory military service. We're too small to pick

Everyone goes We'll trip people we send them oh yeah, we put a grenade in your lab and Down syndrome people we send them Oh, yeah, we have a whole squad Estonians special forces

You think special forces mean somebody rappels down and has night vision knives Nicola swore a soft-serve ice cream We send them We get them all together in a parking lot we connect them with a rope We're looking in the eyes and we tell them listen they kill Santa Claus Everybody goes

Gay people we send them I know you guys don't do that by the way the only way I'm going the war is if I have a gay squad mate

“I'm protecting that mother fucker more than the medic”

He's the only one sucking take back at the base Didn't get behind me I'm saving Dylan's life No left behind Thank you so much. That's my time

goddamn exactly three minutes doing triple the work that he had to do Rocking the joint harder than it's been rocked all night

The freak of nature the Estonian assassin doing it his way

So many funny beats in their man and you got the call today Yeah, I know where yeah, I couldn't pick one subject so it's just through them all out. I love it man He's a better ending, but I'll figure it out Yeah, you will figure it out. I missed you so much, Ari Yeah, I'm just going to make it a big on my road so much. Yeah, Ari's doing a thing right now

Where he's doing so good on the road that he's adding shows on Mondays, which is yeah

“What just pretty much unprecedented exactly, right?”

He's like staying and adding shows and getting crazy deals It's amazing. He's a killer man. He deserves it. Yeah, hey man. Hey, man. Oh, thank you. Oh Shit, you look so good man. Thank you Ari. Thank you, baby. Did you like those empathy good, or no? No, I actually did it the old fashioned way with the god. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a lot of work. Yeah, a lot of haters That like I was implicating people that hate you for doing it that way kind of no, no. I just get people that just like I hate won't accept it

I did it any other way. You know what I mean? Cheaters. Yeah, those empathy cheaters looking at it. I don't mind it though. Listen man all jokes aside if you're like fuck dude I was like dying fat if you're dying fat dude anything you get the way it off shoot the shot You hear that red band

It's never too late. I will say when red band hugged me you could see he had a moment of self-awareness

I felt it in his hug because he looked me in the eye and you could tell he said man I'm proud of you and then a little sadness was in his eyes I was like did maybe feel bad a little bit between I shouldn't be proud of I'm sorry Horrible time and I should fucking I feel it out right there. I should have went into your bad state Absolutely perfect Ari touring has been going good. Yeah, I went to Florida for a month

now addicted to pills great Yeah, I went to Florida. I was so beautiful Holy shit. I went to Fort Lauderdale Great spot, you know, yeah, I didn't like Miami too much. They everyone, you know, I was hype I don't like cold out oiled up men, you know Yeah, do a soft sex trafficking sex trafficking. Oh well, I guess I'll go back

Adding shows in Miami Oh, we can do yeah, I saw like a fist fight at the beach Like between two guys. It was over a bungalow Yeah, that's Miami. He's like bungalows on the beach and you know when bitches see bungalows, you know So the bungalow was taken and the two guys and the two horse they go to swim

They're oh yeah They go to swim and then another two horse and two guys can't take their bungalow So they're fucking this speedos on just fucking it's my bungalow

“Did how angry do you have to be? Yeah, you're coming out of a refreshing ocean and you're combed by a thready”

If I come out of an ocean you could be raping my mom in the bungalow, dude It's hell, I'll be like whoa whoa whoa, we're on slow down What up Yeah, Miami is super cooked out and not into that. I like naples old people love them Love old fox

If you're good when you're like when you know you're like on a beach and you can just murder there everyone on the beach Oh, up in insula No one's still in your bungalow there What else did I do? Oh, I went to a Nike outlet store. Oh Tell us about an Ashtonian's experience at a Nike outlet store. Yeah, I didn't know Nike has that yeah

Like shitty ass products. Yeah, we just have the Nike store. Which fight are we looking at the things there? I think we get the outlet just without the word

pack pack with black people pack

“Me and the cashier are only white people there”

I shoot I see too big black bitches at the register And when you see too big black women at the register you know there's gonna be an issue You know this ain't gonna go smoothly pretty talkie Did as soon as I opened the door I just yet your motherfuckers last time I was your motherfucker piece of shit They were trying to return an item

Did they try and return like some shorts and those shorts look like they've been to Ukraine

There's yelling little like white girl at them just at the register I'm sorry that's an Adidas You know before moving to America I was on the races but After two years of living and I'm being in need to see Some patterns

“That's how it happens that's how you get your citizenship. That's the final test”

Are you Maddie your tour continues on and on it's already Maddie calm without a doubt I mean national soon guys. I'll see you there my bell. Yes. Yeah. The boys will be there I love you here. I love you jelly makes another for the great. Are you Maddie? Thanks boys go to see if this Friday and theaters Support real comedians making real comedy movies again. It's out this Friday April 17

Catch jelly roll here in us in the 23rd of April and us at the Greek theater We're doing it together buddy

“Hell yeah, we're gonna have a lot of fun there. That's gonna be a crazy week again one more time for Shane Gillis”

Who's hosting the rest of Kevin Hart that's gonna be made 10 Theo Vaughn Yeah, I want to give a shout out my producers are here tonight Zach powers and Nick Davis and chin Sonny up there from fighting in the game Wanna take thank you guys for all the effort and making podcasts happen over the years and yeah Thank you guys so much for just letting me be a part of this and what a dude. So cool. I love you man. Thank you I needed this today and so thank everybody for being here praise God

Jelly roll. I love you all thanks everyone of the musicians. They're gonna sit on the panel. Oh, it's Tony I love you congratulations. Don't watch you feel the killed Tony man Red man y'all deserve it for the needy body. Those fucking world Y'all give it up for the evil genius Tony

And a shout out that we're not 15 and we never get to shout out enough the great Sarah slow

I Everybody Monica Steve dusty Billy everybody right fam. I'll be a Jimmy a good July night girl love it at your American comedy code. Oh love you guys you get it We're everywhere can just in Vegas and Red Bull media a lot of sandalists at the end to in dome

New York City and Madison Square Garden on this seven today and one last time. Thank you to shop of my talk space price fix and quote And go see Buzzboys this Friday You You