#765 - ARI MATTI + DUSTIN POIRIER

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“Who's ready for the best fucking night in their lives?”

And that is the band in all the way and makes some noise for them, huh? You were at the number one live podcast in the world. Killtoni brought to you this week by BlueTube, PricePix and TalkSpace.

What an amazing episode we have lined up for y'all.

This is the hardest ticket to get in town, South by Southwest weeks. So congratulations to you guys, this sold out in seconds. So for the few of you lucky enough to be here at the show, congratulations to you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made this all possible. You guys are ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

This is an exciting one. It's unbelievable, you know, sometimes you have people from New York, away, this, that, this one special. Because this is one of the best comedians in the world right now and one of the greatest fighters of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the baddest motherfuckers on planet Earth. Ari Maddie and Dustin Porey!

Oh my god, let's fucking go!

The great Dustin Porey and one of the best in the world right now, a two-inch star. Ari Maddie on fucking panel tonight, everybody. Here we go! Oh my god, we're going to have so much fun. Ari Maddie's been on tour.

“Go check him out, he's on the biggest tour of his life at Ari Maddie.com, how's it going, buddy?”

Yeah, so it was in Florida, so you can see by the way, I dressed now, things are different. We're sending cocaine, it's cut in half, but it's baby powder, but that's another thing. I love it. I just snort the baby powder. Yeah.

I say leave the cocaine out of it, I want to go go gaga.

Dustin, mother fucking Porey, ladies and gentlemen, the fighting pride of Luis Diana, future UFC Hall of Famer, and somehow you are on panel tonight on can. And I didn't expect to be, so I'm a little like, it's good, it's going to be great. I'm planning to be a spectator, but we hear. Anybody roast you or makes fun of you or anything, just be-- wait, wait, we're going to poke a lot.

Yeah, beat this shit out. You can do it on this show.

“We give you full permission if you fucks up our ads or anything, we'll like blur it.”

But people will know that you're winning for sure. You know, I did MMA too. When Owen 3, you're going to go on share.com. You can check it out. Yeah?

Yeah. Owen 3. I don't know about the-- I was really good at the gym, but when the lights hit you, I'm a bitch. Go.

And I see the opposite side of that. I see guys, great in the gym. When the lights hit you, they suck. I see guys suck in the gym. When the lights hit them, they're well championed.

Damn. Yeah. Yeah. I could be a well champion, I guess. Well, I promise you that's going to happen on this show tonight.

They're going to be people that think they are the best in the world and their name is going to get called and the lights are going to hit them. They're going to realize that millions of people around the world are watching them and the pressure is going to get to them in some people are going to be terrible open micers and somehow we're going to fall in love with them, perhaps.

Anything can happen. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds on that and are up to you. The time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then.

I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which brutally interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, live, completely improvised and anything can happen.

“You guys are going to start tonight's fucking show or what?”

I'm going to pull the name out of the bucket and while we go wrangle this human from the dilapidated bar next door, I have a golden ticket winner who is back and I mean, this kid's a freak. He was on the first Netflix episode, taping here and he's a monster. This guy's built for comedy.

We will see what he's got for us tonight. This is a brand new minute from Golden, ticket winner, Pat O'Neal, everybody. I'm on Tinder now. Grindr was too easy. I needed to travel and shout out how to settle for that easy shit.

Found my ex on that other app. Google Maps. And it's fucking trying to run for me. Dummy. I cheated on her like she was a math test with a Chinese boy, but you know, that's college

for you. Went on a date with an older gal recently, told me she was going through menopause.

“I was like, oh, well, your mouth still gets wet, right?”

Fucking whoo.

Well, we can make this work, it's not going to always stay.

A lot of the women I've dated have been single moms after I'm through with them. And they'll call us in effect. Other night in bed, this black girl told me to eat her ass, so I was like, I thought her already was, what's this thing then? So much going on down here, it's also new to me, alright, thank you.

Pat O'Neill getting us started with a bang. You're so talented, I can't imagine you doing anything other than this. You look like a reptilian fucking leprechaun of some kind, I mean, you are just a true comedian. You look like a confused bird.

Definitely confused and amazing setpad, is this true or you out there are you dating people? What can a woman expect on a date with Pat O'Neill? I don't know, a lot of this and they're lucky, I'll put my fingers in there, pussy. Wow, it's very lucky, my goodness, it's very lucky they'll get you, you know, women

move. You're the fingering. Yes. When does that start on the date exactly? Is that a go-to get it started with a bang?

Yeah, I mean, ideally, but if she's classy, you'll wait an hour or two.

Oh, yeah, a lot of classy bitches out there, yeah, yeah, amazing, amazing, incredible.

“You ever take them back to your birdhouse or anything or you go, do you go to theirs?”

Oh, yeah, I got a bed, yeah, you got a bed, give your own apartment. I do. You're yourself? Yeah, believe it or not. Yeah, no, I believe it.

I don't think you're exactly the most in demand roommate on the market, right? Look, not a lot of people are into a permanent Halloween decoration every time they get home. Yeah. I love it, what's hanging on your walls at your apartment, like what the paintings are?

Great question, Red Band, wow, look at you. Did you think of this before the episode? That's a great question. Like, nothing. Pottestly.

See, that's a great question because it leads to a frightening answer. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, absolutely nothing at all. No. Like, when you bring girls back to that, nothing.

What's the game? I'm like, there's a TV, huh, bitch. Wow, yeah, gotta get TV on the floor or, no, no, it's on the wall, I paid a fella before Trump won. He was still here.

Oh, god, god, yeah, Mexican Mexican, Mexican, got political there. They're still around too many, if you ask me. Anyway, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I don't remember anyway. So how could you hang a TV, but absolutely nothing else? I mean, normally like high schoolers, college kids, they at least have like, unfrained posters

or something. I'm open to advice if you have suggestions, I'll.

You've never thought of this at all before.

What am I supposed to put on my walls? Hot dudes, Tony, what the fuck?

I don't know why that would be your first go, too.

“Do you have interesting pink paint colors at your apartment?”

Like, you know, like, you're right back to your normal level of questions, I see. You have normal paint colors in your apartment. Nice yellow wall. Oh, they're red plants. Oh, there's no fucking way, this guy's got a plant.

Are you kidding? He's dead in that apartment. I got a candle recently. I don't know. I've got a fancy about that.

Yeah. Is it a scented candle? Yeah. What is the scent of that candle? It was like fucking vanilla or something?

Wow, look at you, Mr. Romance. Yeah. Just one candle. You see it. I don't work in my way up with my candle sitting on.

Is it like a dining room table, a side table? Yeah. Table. What kind of table? I'm curious.

A children's school desk or something like that? No, that'd be dope, but I see. You're in the weird shit. So, four like it would in table. Okay.

What are its dimensions?

“Give me a ballpark here, three by one by six.”

We talk on feet or inches here. Yes. Massive table. It's quite the regal table in such a six year old act, no idea. Ten foot by six foot with nothing on the wall.

The apartment is ten foot square feet. He lives in an interrogation room, ladies and gentlemen. We're finding out a lot about Pat O'Neill. You're so far from him. Have a seat, just lights one candle in the middle of this giant table.

What are you a king? I'm just fucking right jokes and stare at him on it. I get it. It shows his brother. Like I said, you are an absolute fucking hilarious mother fucker.

It's incredible. I'm going to throw a dust in under the bus here. What do you think about this guy? If you just... Okay.

Whatever you say, there's no wrong answer. I don't know, man, thinking of this guy coming home to an empty, clean wall apartment is kind of freaky, man. I agree. He's scared.

I don't know. You got him. Yeah. Somehow he's scary. He's scary.

And you see it. Watch a movie like the Dhammer. You're going to just watch a movie for sure. What's your king? Oh, good question.

You have a thing, I'm missionary. Oh, wow. You're a judge. A judge. Yeah.

Missionary on a giant empty table. With one candle. And a pet. You're the fucking man, dude. Thank you for getting tonight's episode started.

Hang on. That's how it's done. That's the golden ticket winner. Now we go to the bucket. This is the feeding heart of the show.

This is where we meet everybody. With this is where we met Ari Maddy. This is where we met Pano Neal. Everybody. William Montgomery.

You name it. Everyone was found out of this bucket. This could be the next star. Or it could be somebody who isn't the next star.

It's the noise for your first bucket pull of the night.

Anna Stasia. Now get the rag out. Anna Stasia. That's where I go. I flew here on a blunt, I'm from Austin, I'm in Austin.

So basically what happened was I didn't plan to be here and then now I'm here. So this guy told me not to say his name. I didn't say his name, I didn't say his name. And he invited me because he said that sometimes I'm funny. But only when people aren't around.

Usually I do crowdwork, but that's found upon when there's only 60 seconds because you'll take too long to think. But I think it's kind of crazy that the obscene ball is dropped and everybody just sort

“of like, cool, yeah, that's what they're doing.”

I approve of it. We're not going to do anything about it. We all know what's going on. We're just going to, whoa. So that's why y'all are here, you're avoiding reality.

And that's why I'm here. I'm also avoiding reality. I think I'm funny. Clearly you guys do. All right, that is the full minute from Anna Stasia, Nadraga ladies and gentlemen.

What's going on? Yeah. I bet you were. I'm checking with Ari Maddie. See Dustin, this is me at MMA.

You look like you get pummeled. Anna Stasia, the mental illness is staggering. Let's talk about it. So what made you sign up for this exactly?

Your story is that a friend peer pressure do you into this basically?

Are you a minor eater? Can you hear what I was talking to? Can you hear? You said that. Like five seconds ago.

Oh, well, he said mental illness.

Ah. Yeah. Again, I don't have to read minds to be able to see what's going on in their anesthesia. Anna Stasia? Are you like Russian?

Oh my god. We don't talk about that. What do you have to say? A minor eater? That's how politically correct.

And the stage. Anastasia, let me ask you a question.

You brought up the Epstein files and then you said basically nothing other than we should

be doing something. What do you think we should do?

“What do you think we should all be doing now that the Epstein files have dropped?”

I don't know. You know, I think it's up to each individual what they want to do, you know. Great answer, Anastasia. Great answer. Your song.

I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat.

I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat.

I don't even want to repeat.

I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat. I don't even want to repeat.

I think that time is running out and it's end of the world, so that's where I am right now.

“Okay, wow, doesn't get much worse than you.”

You're the worst. You can answer basic questions. And you love it. I can tell. Look at that.

Look at that. Fiery in your eyes. You're done. You get nothing. Go.

You're way through the rest of your life. I can't imagine what the rest of it's like, "Go, go that way." Yes. That is proof ladies and gentlemen, if you need it, wow. What a power of cleanser.

The lovely Heidi. Everybody. By the way, that anesthesia is proof that the bucket is real. Let it be known. This is a very random improvised show.

I mean, holy shit. Either she has serious problems. Now, yeah, she has serious problems. Hello there.

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These things are unbelievable. I mean it. Try them. Get 10% off your first order with code [email protected]. Your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen, as you see, could be one of the next big comedians

in the world or absolutely a retard that was talked into coming on a show while having zero talent or preparation whatsoever and the inability to answer basic questions. And his name is Benny Bruce. Let's give him a shot. Hey, I just started playing dominoes and you want like playing dominoes.

Yeah, dominoes, I found it really exciting. It's like, every time you put another beast down, you're like, "Oh, is it going to make a swastika?" Just moved here to Texas, hooked up with my first Latina, that was pretty cool. Other than like I'm not really into dirty talk, I started going down on her and she's

like, "See, get ready, go puppy!" I put my finger over her lips, I was like, "shh, I don't like dirty talk." Speaking, "glish." Fuck yeah, buddy. Thank you very much.

Benny Bruce, making it look easy after anesthesia, not a drag-a. It was awesome. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? Just over a year.

Nice. But I didn't really, I moved here months and a half ago.

Where were you at originally before this?

“Where is the mediablebowski from exactly?”

Grand Rapids, Michigan. Okay. Oh, yeah. Welcome. Welcome.

How recently did you move here? Month and a half ago? Nice. I moved out of Michigan in August, so I just took my time traveling around the country. That's awesome.

Tell us about that, what was that like traveling the country, what stood out to you? What did you learn about yourself? That I need a better car, I got stranded in, I got stranded in Alabama for a little over a month, there's my transmission went out. The car got stranded.

We do. Yeah. Let's check in with Dustin Horay. How long have you been working for the ISIS sex department? What do you do for work?

How do you make money? What exactly?

What type of vapes do you sell?

I just got a job like three weeks ago here, I'm a brand ambassador for a flooring company. For a flooring company. Go to like home shows and like, you want your floors updated? I love that. So you are very lapowski, yes.

He was looking for a rug and you are a flooring ambassador, tie the room together, indeed.

“How much marijuana do you have to smoke a day to wear the exact outfit that you are wearing?”

Is that about a quarter ounce or so? You know, consistently. Yeah. I love it Benny Bruce, you're a very, very funny guy. How much material do you think you have of that quality if you had to like string a set

together? I mean, the most I've ever done is only five minutes, but I mean, I think I could probably do time. Yeah. Cool.

Well, you're in the right place to do it now. Maybe what do you love about Austin? Just like the opportunity, how can go up on stage every day multiple times? Yeah. In Grand Rapids there was like a couple times a month.

Yeah. Grand Rapids, Michigan is a very tough, weird, quirky place. Yeah. What was that like, parents together? Yeah.

You have a normal American pie family? Oh, yeah. I was like raised Catholic and stuff. They're loving. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. How's the first born? I'm the favorite. I love it. I love it.

“And what did they think about your pot smoking stand-up comedy aspirations?”

They're about it. I love that. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah.

My parents are very supportive. What's your love life like? You currently in love with a, with a water balinger, something like that. I, uh, the reason I moved, uh, I was engaged for two years and that didn't happen anymore. So then I was like, what happened?

It was Anastasia. She started talking and, uh, he's like, dude, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm taking my shitty car and I'm just driving anywhere. I'm going to fucking go straight to Alabama to start. I'm going to start comedy fucking.

I'd rather be stranded in Alabama than Anastasia. What did go wrong with the engagement? We fought a lot. We did too many drugs. What kind of drugs are we talking about here?

A lot of psychedelics, ketamine was a big one. Yeah. But I've been off of all of it since I moved. Nice. Very good.

Still weird though. How did help like your comedy? What's that? Going coming off. How did help like your comedy?

'Cause you started. You were all fucked up. Yeah. Um, I mean, uncut. I mean, I started, you know, like a year and a half ago or whatever, but like, I wasn't

taking it seriously. So I moved here. Yeah. Still a week. Like, I would write shit, but now I'm like really writing shit, getting up all

the time. Yeah, that was a good set. Thank you. Really, two good, really good jokes. Thanks.

Yeah.

That's the first time I ever did the dirty talk one.

Really? Yeah. I only wrote it. Yeah, that was awesome. That's amazing.

That's a great show. Benny Bruce. I see a bright, bright future ahead of you, man. You have some really funny jokes and a good style. I'm excited.

Some comedians in the world, they're people that used to do a lot of drugs that no longer do drugs and feel that brain space and shit with writing and performing and stuff. So keep up the great work and good luck in the future. Here's a, here's a big joke book. Thank you.

We're going to keep it moving along. We're flying on to the next one. Here he goes. Makes a noise for your next bucket pull ladies and gentlemen, and it's bright, bright, bright. Let me hear some noise I said.

I just want to give you an introduction of myself on mix, black and white. I dropped out of school and all my math from drug dealing and I'm actually the best of my whole family at math, right? Because I'm have black, the rest of my family hang around as white, but for some reason

What you never understood is the fraction is actually one half, but it's hard to be

at mix. You know, because people always get so nosy. I ask the same question, like, oh, which parent is mixed, which parent is black, which parent is white, you know? But I never tell them I just kind of give them a hint.

“So I was like, is your mom blackers your mom white?”

And I was like, um, my mom is fat. And for the white people that understand, I just don't know my dad. That's the real reason. But yeah, I mean, I feel like a human connection is really important. I talked to God that other day.

I said, yeah, man, I'm a comedian. He said, wow, I was an actor in New York for 10 years, and then I sang in the opera for five years, and then my whole career got ruined, because I got throat cancer. So now he's a mine. All right, that's all it's time.

All right, Bryce, right, welcome to the show. Thank you, bro. How are you? I am 21. 21 years old.

Yes, sir. Wow. So how old are you? Really? I am.

That's the preferred answer. 21. Are you really 21? Yeah. Okay.

What do you do for work? I produce comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida. How do you make money? Producing comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida. Any comedy shows do you produce a month?

Two different venues, usually about three to four. Okay. And that's doing it for you. How do you control both of your venues? Met ads, retargeting ads, marketing, all that.

Okay. How much money do you have? Well, I read comedy shows, so not much at all.

“Just give us a ballpark, how much have we checked your chase savings account right now?”

What would be in there? Probably on average, about 2,000 probably. Okay. All right. And now you live in Austin?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't live here. I just did it. Still in Jacksonville. Yes, still in Jacksonville.

What's your rent? I live in my parents. Nice. Okay. Yeah.

Both of them. Do you feel fucked me up, man? Perfect. King. You feel fucked.

You feel fucked. Here we go. Good. This is his kill. County.

21 already in prison. Yes. What the, drugs? Obviously. Yeah, this is fucking just marijuana.

Yeah, just marijuana. You're good gun, but this is fucking okay. All right. Can't have. Have you got to have a boat together?

You never know if you're going to get robbed.

Yeah. So let's talk about it. Like, what were you doing when that happened? Like, you were, you got pulled over? Yeah, I was gunned pulled over, going through a clay county.

“And I think, I thought I was slick, because I used to say more.”

I turned my high beams on, so I could see the reflectors of, like, share of cars that are, like, waiting for people. Oh, and they'll never notice you if you do that. You get to see them first. Genius.

Where do you get this weed from? I want some. Man, you get this shit. Did you chip? Did you tell the cops at the white side of you,

told the black side not to sell the drugs? That's it. Pour ya. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Ha ha ha. That's the best place.

That's the best place. I'm a man in the comedy. It works perfectly. If you don't have CT. Or if you do have it, it might work out.

Yeah. Fuck you, Bryce, right? Okay. So, what did the cops say when he came up to the car? He said, "I'm detecting the odor of marijuana?"

Yeah. And then I was... And you're like, "How did you even see me, dude?" My brides were on, and then they weren't on, and I was basically flushing my lides with you.

Dude, that is crazy.

The drug dealers always look like drug dealers, too.

When I pull you over, I'm like, "I'm searching this whole car." Yeah. It's free advertising. Dude, I got to let him know. Dude.

Dude. Yeah. They told me first thing, obviously. It smells like weed. I was like, "You know, that's not probable cause.

Cause it's awesome shit on TikTok." I was like, "No." I don't know what that's like. Fuck you. What are you talking about?

Okay. So, they said, "Like..." They love that. Police love that. When you tell them, "No."

No. I know my rights. Where's the gun? Where's the gun? What?

The cop? Where's the gun? You sound just like him. It was in the glove compartment. Okay.

And you were like, "Look, you... Is the license there?" All right. You're like, "Oh, my registrations right in. Good.

Oh, fuck." You know, if they see a gun, they shoot. Luckily, your skin tone, you're safe. You better thank you, Mama, boy. All right.

Okay. Demandious. Now knows exactly what you look like. Well, I...

The method is, and I feel like I'm going to go back to jail for saying, "Shit like this."

But the method is, is you keep... You keep the gun in glove compartment, and you take out the registration. And you take out an insurance. And you keep it just anywhere else. Like the center console.

And I remember I grabbed for the glove compartment. I was like, "Oh, my gosh." And then he knew instantly. I was like, "Really?" He knew something's in there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then, okay, okay. So then, so then, so then, so then, so then, so then...

So... You give the registration, makes you inspired. Yeah. [laughter] Was it really?

Was it really? It wasn't that. No, it was an expired.

“I think what God of those, and I was like, "My mom has to text me a picture of the insurance,”

the guy goes." So that was... Okay. So then... Then...

How fast was her response just out of curiosity?

It was an immediate response. Wow. Was it late at night? It was, yeah, I was late at night. That was a decision.

Yeah. So then... Okay, okay, okay, okay. And then, you get out of the car, or what's the... What's the tell you get out of the car?

Uh-huh. They go to search it. He pulls open the passenger door. Why would you search in the glove box, right? That's exactly what I thought.

What a fucking idiot, right? So it opens it. And the partner just looks up and they instantly put me in cuffs. Yeah. And then I go to jail.

How long did you go to jail for? Shh. It's like fucking solid 12 hours, bro. I bonded out. Where the fuck do you sister?

Wow. I got drug money, mother fuck. I'm bonded out of this. Hell yeah. 2,000 bucks.

2,000 bucks.

What did you learn in that 12 hours in jail?

What surprised you? I learned it out to you. Okay. The jail was actually not that bad at all. It was a...

It was Clay County. And I'm a Jacksonville. So let's do ball county. But I mean, that's the closest you've ever been to living on your own.

So I imagine it was pretty nice for you. Yeah, so... I think the big... Shout out Clay County jail by the way. How could I skip over the compliments?

“I think the biggest thing I noticed was like it was actually really nice to”

people were nice. And when I got in there, like, all... Oh, yes. The Clay County jail. The Clay Clay.

Welcome. For all of you gun-yielding pot smokers that look like crusty the clown. We well, we have welcoming gates. Come on.

Make sure you keep your gun in your glove compartment like a real fucking dumb ass. And we shall roll out the red carpet for you. Did you get to eat while you were there? They have a little snack for you. I didn't eat shit in there.

I knew I was buying it out. Hell yeah. How much was the bond? Fifteen hundred. Oh my god.

Mom had to cover it. Huh? Mom had to cover it? Yeah. Yeah.

She had to take out some income tax money for that one. Damn. Yeah. I had a feeling you weren't making that much producing shows. What's the bond then, Jacksonville?

But 2000 a month is a good lie. Um, Bryce, what else is going on in your life? You single? Uh, no, no, no, no. I got a...

My girl's actually right out. Is Shakespeare right now? She's a very little woman. She gives her room jobs every day. I'd never cheat on her.

Is that true? She eats your ass? Fucking gross. Oh, imagine being a girlfriend at the shit hole bar supporting your boyfriend. Yeah.

While he's on stage, yeah, she rips me every day. Yeah. My asshole is cleaner than that bar. By all due means. I would say.

By looking at the overall thing, I disagree. Yeah. Show me your asshole. Show me your asshole. Show me your asshole.

Show me your asshole. By all due means, ladies and gentlemen. By all due means. How do you keep your ass so clean? The world wants to know him.

Get in. I'm getting this in my ear right now. Okay. So you ever heard a dude wipes? Yes.

They got a new flavor of dude wipes called dump, dumpkin spice. It's a pumpkin spice, dude wipes. Every time a girl eats your ass, she's like, it smells like fall. Perfect. White girls love it.

See her in the front row? She loves it. Look at her. Yeah. There's red bands one fart noise this episode.

“So you keep these pumpkin spice, dude wipes on you?”

Always. Do you have one on you right now? No. It's back at the Airbnb. Okay.

All right. Do you have any other flavors, as you call them, of dude wipes? This is a great dude wipe commercial. No, I think I was their payment. I think they got bubble gum flavor recently.

I haven't tried that one at all. I'll see what's that smell. Wow. That's amazing. That meant one's the best one.

That meant one's the best one. Oh, if I can read it. So red band just eats the wipes. And it's good for bad bread. You should give it to your mom.

All right. Brice, right.

You're leaving here with a medium-sized black joke book.

This is real. This is what black looks like. Oh, and he did not question. He was probably mostly white ladies and gentlemen. The bond man.

Thank you, sir. With all due means, you deserve it. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Brice, right. Everybody.

Thank you guys for having me. Shout out. rooftop comedy. So do ball. All right.

There he goes. Everybody. Hello, everybody.

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That's Q-U-O.com/Kiltoni Quote. No mist calls, no mist customers. All right, let's get another bucket pull-up here, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Eddie Adams, everybody. Eddie Adams.

Ladies, who runs the world? You all want to put some money on that? Shut all of everybody out of fuck we do him! My uncle, he's been in the news a lot lately. He's been in the news a lot lately.

He's been in the news a lot lately. He's been in the news a lot lately. He's been in the news a lot lately. He's been in the news a lot lately. He's been in the news a lot lately.

He's been in the news a lot lately. He may have seen him. I just inherited this book. Everybody keeps asking me is Trump's name in this book. Guys, his name is not in this book.

Oh, but that's weird. Brian, your name's in this book. Oh, fuck my gold. Okay, everybody stay calm. Don't move. I gotta get that.

Brian, your name's in this book. That's crazy. Tony, you're safe, though. I would fix it. Okay, that's over a minute from Eddie Adams.

“Where are we going to say there? I'm going to say what?”

I wouldn't expect you to go to an island full of girls. Alright, very good. There you go. Eddie Adams, doing a very kiltony centric set there. I like it. Eddie, how long have you been on stand up? Been doing it for five years.

We're at started in Atlanta and then Houston. You still live in Houston? I do, yeah. What made you do Houston? What made me do Houston?

I was trying to get closer to family. They live in Houston. They lived in Dallas, but I was relocating back to Texas. So it's way closer than Atlanta. Okay, it's pretty far drive.

Yeah. You came out like really gay. And then, did you notice he came out really gay and then it faded away? Yeah.

Came out gay and it up being Jewish somehow. It's a way to please everybody in show business. I love surprised you to host the Oscars last night or something like that. Gay and Jewish. Are you gay? I am not gay.

That's incredible. You sound a gay. All right, Eddie.

“So five years in how long have you lived in Houston?”

Three years. What do you do for work? I sell cars. You do that in Houston? I do.

Toyotas. Toyotas. Are you actually Jewish? I am.

So that's your real Yamica.

This is the one that I was bar mitzvitten. Wow. Okay. Broke it out of the closet for this. Absolutely.

I also came out of the closet for this show. Seems like a gay Yamica though. Very gay Yamica. Oh my goodness. What makes it a gay Yamica?

It's not like black. It's like a flower. Yeah. It is. Wait, that's the exact same.

That's the same. That's made from the drug rug that Benny Bruce Porter earlier.

“Is it gay because it's the same color as your microphone?”

Whoa. Oh my god. What kind of Toyotas are you selling in the most? What's your specialty? Tacomas.

Okay. Let's do a little thing here.

I just walked into, but I'm not me.

I'm just a normal stranger. And I just walked into your car dealership. Hey, what's up, man? I'm looking for a car. We got some pretty good pre-owned vans in the back.

You want me to go show you them? All right. All right. Eddie Adams. Not gay.

He's swears. He's not gay. What's your love life like? Give a girlfriend right now. I just got married.

Oh, congratulations. She's Jewish as well. She is not Jewish. Whoa, what is she? We, she is agnostic.

White, just normal white lady. Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? Hinge. Hinge.

Okay. And that's the one explaining to people what hinge is. Hinge is probably like the one where you're not really trying to get laid. You're more trying to go on a date. So gay.

[ Laughter ] Red band. Hey, you're sound effect, red band. That's a good one. It's more for brunch.

[ Laughter ] He doesn't know where his own sound effect is, everybody. [ Laughter ] All right. It's broken right now.

“I think it's on that board, by the way, because I know the thing better than you.”

This one. It crashed just recently. Perfect. Why would you? Why would you?

Why would you possibly get it fixed before tonight's taping? Oh, okay. Perfect. Good to know that we're running the same iPad that we've had since the show started 13 years ago. How long have you guys been together?

Oh, we've been together three and a half years. Engage tour? Oh, yeah, you said, Mary, I'm sorry. How long were you engaged? One year. Yeah.

Where was the wedding at? The wedding was in Houston. Wow. What made you do it in Houston? That's where her family is at.

So, you know, she's got a big family and didn't want to have to make some of her older relatives travel. Wow. Okay. What's crazy, do you have any special skills or talents at the Adams? Uh, special skills, dance?

No. You collect anything. You have any hobbies or anything like that. Is there something quirky and fun? How do you feel about your own?

Salam, Cheturi. Uh, what does that mean? Nobody's hello. How are you and Farcee? We've got any Persians in here?

No, all right. All right. Really winning the crowd over here with you. Yeah, yeah, I'm bombing. Wow.

I can't believe the Kilksoni crowd even gives that credit. But all right. Um, all right. You really don't do anything other than comedy. Sometimes in cell cars.

I love soccer. Love watching soccer. I watch it religiously. Uh, Latinos over there. Yeah.

Yeah. That's gay. This is new sound effect, everybody. When the soundboard crashes, you just have to do it on your own. Interesting.

I feel like there's something I'm missing here about you, Eddie. I feel like there's something you're keeping from us. Now, I feel like now would be a good moment to just address. Uh, the whole reason I got into comedy was I went to a house party. Uh, when I was in Atlanta, I knew no one I was trying to make friends.

And I went out to get a drink from the cooler. And a guy named Marcel.

I've never seen him again.

He said, what do you do? And I told him I was selling cars.

“And he said, is that what you grew up wanting to do?”

And I said, no, no one had ever asked me that. Said, well, what did you want to do? And I said, make people laugh. And he said, well, do you promise within a year? You'll try to do that.

Well, you try comedy. And I agreed to do it. And it was COVID. So I never saw him again. I moved away.

Anyways, gay. Marcel, if you're listening, you started this. Uh, here you go. You need, you need, if there's anybody I know that needs to write actual jokes. It's you.

So there's a big joke. He goes, Eddie Adams. His skills won't be debut. We'll see him again sometime.

We have a special treat for y'all.

“We have a very well-known, great comic out of New York visiting during the festival.”

South by South West season. Who's going to do a minute for us? Maybe a little touch more. We're going to let her go. Ladies and gentlemen.

You know, or makes it noise for Karen T. Han. Everybody. Here she is. Good. This is so exciting.

Hi. Hi, Dustin. Hi. How are we? Um, I don't know.

Some of you guys might not know. My name is Karen. I'm from Massachusetts. I was in the Boston Valley for about 10 years. It's why I'm a racist and erratic.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I eat. I'm also an alcoholic.

I'm a very helpful tattoo.

It says don't serve me on my arm. It's okay. bartenders can't read cursive. Whenever I miss blacking out, I just sleep with an MMA guy.

Um, I see a cauliflower here. Flood. It's not. It's not good. Uh, people are so mean about MMA guys.

They're like, they're so dumb. I'm like, no, their brains are just on the outside now. I'm just kidding. They're pretty dumb. I do this thing last week.

I do this thing. I let him come in me. And then I go, hey, let's see if this kid's a fighter. What? That was awesome, Karen.

How's life going? It's really good. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Is it true?

Have you ever been with the MMA fighter?

Yeah, I like Gary Tonin coming me. Wow. He's the lion's hammer. Look him up. Oh, did you ever heard of Gary Tonin before?

Oh, yeah. Check this out. Really? Thank you.

“Have you ever let an Owen three fighter come in you before?”

Anything can happen, right? I think I think you might be Owen four after. I love it. Karen, you're great. You're from New York.

You live in New York. That's right. I love New York. I love Austin though. Hell yeah.

There's some similarities between Manhattan and Austin. Yeah. Like, in Manhattan, we have ladies who lunch. And here you guys have ladies who poop in their shoes. I can't.

I like Cinderella. And they've spent the night. So fun. So many windy the poo's out there. All shirts, no pants.

I love them. I love it. They're out there. I love it here. They are.

Yeah. Are you racist? Oh, no. No. That was just a joke.

I feel like I's coming me though. I don't know. If you were going to be racist. To write which one? What race would you pick?

I mean, I don't know. Jews. Yeah. I'm Joe. I love Jews.

“I went on a bachelor at trip with 14 Jewish women.”

I'm not Jewish. If you really love Jews and Toyota's, boy, do I have a guy for you to meet? Karen, you're fantastic. Thanks for coming in.

Karen, Feehan, everybody. Very funny. We're going to keep it moving on. You guys haven't found out there? We're back to the bucket.

Everybody. We're going to meet one all together by the name of Luke. Karen. Put your hands together for Luke. Everybody.

His country. His country. His country. Dating is hard nowadays. I was sleeping with this one girl.

I absolutely loved her. I would have done anything for. But turns out she had no heart beat. It annoys me when old people say, "Oh, you guys have it so easy nowadays."

Like, yeah, y'all had to go to war, whatever, but we also had to deal with trauma. You know, I remember I was like, "Oh, we had to deal with porn advertisements." I remember I was like 12 years old,

and I looked up new to girl with breasts. And then all the sudden, I had pops up for where, you know, there was a midget that got gang banged by basketball people. You know, that should scarred me.

Oh boy. Yeah, so for the old people for their trauma, they got called a hero and got a purple heart. All I got was called a pervert and got a purple boner. All right, thank you, that's my time.

Very.

Luke?

“Aaron, you've been on the show a couple times.”

A couple times. I was on panel. Yeah, we're on panel. My first time. Yeah.

I remember, yeah. That's good for people, like black people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like the joke. That was the joke.

Yeah. Like, yeah, I got that one, yeah. And the last time you were on, you did awkward poetry. I did awkward poetry.

And the first time you were on, you said,

you don't want to do open mics because you're afraid people will steal your material. Yes. Was that you? You're with the girlfriend.

Thank you. Actually, yes. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I do.

So I know you guys, you guys hated the poem last time, but I do have another poem. But this time, this time, this, I, you know, this one's a little more serious this time. Am I allowed to read it?

How long is the poem? It is shorter. Well, I know anything is short. I had to stop you. Yeah.

Last time. How much shorter is it? It's a bit shorter. If you had to guess the length of from the start to the end of the poem. Two minutes.

That's crazy. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. Is there anything we don't know about you from the interviews that you've been on?

I can juggle. I'm, but I'm actually hilarious. But I'm just, I didn't, I didn't. It's not coming across right now, but I swear. And then, and then I, I also, I also have a poem.

[laughter] What? Are you, also the person that you hate, you're very religious, right? Yes.

So, yeah, I am. I, I was. I, I'm not anymore. I've kind of. In college, I like, I've got. In college, in college, in college, I really like. All right.

Dude, you got to, you got to take a break from signing up for this show. This is like unbelievable. You don't prepare. You don't test out any material anywhere. And you just write very long poems that nobody wants to hear.

Ryming, like, isn't that crazy or hard? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, what? I want to hear, I want to hear what your response is. That that.

“Have you never had anybody tell you you fucking stink before in your life?”

No, um, yeah, maybe a few people.

You have a place, but I bet you never play sports.

Did you ever play sports? I did play sports. That's a sports basketball. Basketball. Yeah.

Where? Where? What's Wisconsin? Oh, well. You're probably fucking great in Wisconsin basketball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, did you put where you a starter on your team in basketball? I was a starter, but there was about ten people.

Or ten guys in my high school that were, you know, capable of playing. You know, one was in a wheelchair. Three of us had autism. You know, so I made the team. Right.

Yeah. You said the group of guys that banged the midget. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Yes, yeah.

I just don't think you've ever had, like, I don't know, a reality check of any kind. If you're not doing open mics and you're just coming here and then barely getting through us set and then going, but I have a very long poem. Yeah. That's not what this show is. Yeah.

So you're going to have to figure out something else. Or do open mics and figure out if the material that you're going to do on this show works at all. You're really not doing open mics? I do. Which one?

I do kick-back coffee and then which other ones I've been to. Which other ones I've been to? How many times a one in Wisconsin? Zero times a week. Probably a total of five open mics total ever.

Am I correct? Probably. Oh, it's also a ten. All right. Yeah.

So there you go. This is bad. Yeah. You got to open. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to do something else. All right.

Give it six months. Sign up again in six months. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. This isn't just the get attention show. Okay. There you go. I'm sorry.

Yes. With a mic minimum.

Matt Mealling who never talks has a great idea.

“You have to do at least fucking 50 open mics before you sign up again.”

You have six months to do that. That's not that hard. Okay. Okay. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen. The Kilpony Exit. Of the Luke Aaron. Sometimes she gets real. You got a girl that didn't know what she was signing up for.

You have a guy that literally just wants attention. And there you go. Guy. I remember something about him. He said last time he was angry at his girlfriend for showing too much skin.

Remember that? Like he hated showing her legs and stuff like that. You're good stuff. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Hey Luke. You want to come be the sound guy for the rest of the episode. We need some poems.

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When you go to Talkspace.com/tony and enter a promo code space 80. That's SPAC80 to match with a license therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com/tony and enter a promo code space 80. Your next bucket bowl, anything can happen clearly. Clearly, anything can happen goes by the name of Chase Standard.

Everybody, Chase Standard. It's going on, y'all. I've got a new girlfriend. She's kind of pushy in the bedroom. Like, she's very instructional.

Like, God, every time I go down on my girl, I feel like I'm playing a fucked up game of pop it. 'Cause I'm down there with my A game. I'm doing my best, and she's just giving me instructions like, "Flic it." "Lick it."

Kiss it, suck it, push it, pull it, lick it, suck it, suck it, pop it. Also, can we be real? That's like an impossible game to beat. My high score is like three. Pass it to a friend.

(laughter)

My girlfriend's got a landing strip.

(laughter) Pull it. (laughter) My girlfriend's got a landing strip. I call that shit, the Gaza strip.

I call my girlfriend's vagina Gaza because I shoot loads at it, and children are dying in there. (laughter) That's good. Check it out with me.

Chase Standard. (applause) Welcome, Chase. Have you been on this show before? No, I haven't.

Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? A year and a half, and I've been signing up the entire time. Wow, congrats. You finally got up.

Crazy.

This is the first time we've gotten you up.

Meanwhile, Luke Aaron has boarded us to death three or four times. Absolutely incredible. Hey, he's making my job easy. He makes you look great. This is the second time tonight.

Somebody's gone up after somebody that was horrendous and looked real good. You look great. We don't even know if you're great, but anything's better than that. (laughter) No, very funny.

Chase was all that comedy done in Austin. You from Austin? Yes, I started out here. Nice. Where you originally from?

Denver. Okay, cool. What do you do for work? I just became a full-time producer at up. In stand-up.

Nice. Nice. This is fucking crazy. I met the owner of the aquariums out here and fucking talk my way into a contract. So I'm going to be producing shows in aquariums of all places.

“You're going to be doing comedy shows in aquariums?”

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. This guy that you've had here. (laughter) Yeah.

Every time I'm about to replace you with a poem, you do something like that and you completely redeem yourself. (laughter) Okay. So the guy that you met goes, "Hey, what's up?"

I'm the head of aquariums. (laughter) Like, I don't understand. There's like a aquarium box. It's fishy as fuck.

(laughter) Oh, you suck up a bit. (laughter) Was that all a lie to get back to? No, no, it's kind of god.

(laughter) I met him through a friend. You know, he was Mormon for 45 years of his life, and he's a pot head. So I've been dealing with that.

And I was going to see this. So I might not be a full-time producer anymore. (laughter) Yeah, you might be in deep water. (laughter)

(laughter) I love it.

“So Chase, what did you do before becoming an imaginary aquarium producer?”

(laughter) Oh, man, I feel like every job I've had is fucking fake. I was like a salesman for OpenAI,

I just wrote prompts for them,

and I used ChatGPT to produce my work. (laughter) Wow. I wasn't allowed to do that. I just spent hours being like,

make sure this doesn't come out like a-- Like, it's AI. That's actually a funny bit, man, right there. (laughter) I'm working on it.

It's got some legs. It's got some fins. There you go. Okay, what's another job? Give us another job.

Why you have the doll? This is-- Well, this isn't saying we used to do door-to-door sales. It was commissioned only. I got guns pulled on me.

I got chased by pickles. The worst-- it's like the thing with door-to-door is like,

“I'm going to close this deal at your kitchen table, right?”

This guy's my fucking dad's age. He has daughters, my age, and I'm about to close like a 60K deal. And he's like, I'll buy it if I can see it. I was like, what?

And he was like, I'll buy it if I can see it. And then the guy groped me. Fucking grabbed my dick. A 60K sale, though. Yeah.

Anything for the clothes.

Anything for the fucking clothes, dude. That's just a group. It's just a grub. Yeah. That's warm up, dude.

Yeah, dude. I fucking-- That's your ginsu. What were you selling? Solar panels.

Hell. And did you-- did you close that deal? No, I ran out of the house. I-- I fucking froze-- What a post--

Yeah, geez. These days, you can't even grab dudes' cock. They just run out like, oh, yeah. I didn't post these. Wow.

As soon as you ran out, he must've been like, oh, fag. Yeah. Started up his diesel engine that he runs everything off of. Oh, it would be-- I'm already hard. But it's time you broke me.

Who scared? No, I'm ready. I'm ready, dude, fucking. But how much money did you make selling solar panels stored in a door commission?

I worked for them for like four months. I probably made like three grand. Wow. Fucking awful. Yeah.

So awful.

Oh, I got-- was my fucking haunt dick.

Right. What's the sales pitch for a solar panel? Oh, god. You-- you care about the environment? No.

Okay. Ah, not a doggie. Uh, okay, yes. I do. I do.

I love it. I love it. You love the environment? I love it. You like the sun?

I love this. You want to make money from the sun? Hell, yeah. Haunt. [laughs]

There you go. We give us some more jobs, Chase. Have some more of your wacky job. I-- I worked at Home Depot. I worked in the garden department, AKA the milk department.

Whoo! Yeah. Tell us about that. Have these-- I need a hose.

[laughs] Yeah. I bet you didn't mind getting grouped there, huh? [laughs] No, dude.

I-- I was looking forward in the back. You want to-- you want to-- you want to-- you want to-- Want to this plant? [laughs] If I can-- uh, I was forklift certified.

And this was in Boulder, Colorado. There was a disco right behind it. So on my lunch break, I'd go get high's fuck, and just drive forklift around. [laughs]

Wow. I had friends-- That's all those videos. You don't want to-- let's just take a whole warehouse as this guy.

Yeah. [laughs] I had a friends that worked with me, and like, you need two people. Like, you've been in Home Depot.

You know, the guy with forklift. They got flags and shit. I'd bring my buddy over, and we'd just pull shit down and put it back up with no purpose.

Yeah. So like, I'm on the forklift. You're not going to tell me I'm not doing my job. Yeah. Okay.

Anything you need, Dave? What thing you need? What city was this in?

“Where there's white guys working at Home Depot again?”

Boulder, Colorado. Boulder, Colorado. One of these-- The safest, the best city to live in. [laughs]

It's like true or something. It is. I'm lucky. I came from Boulder to here. Okay.

Give us another job. Another job. Oh man. I-- Ew.

I was a recruiter. It's your favorite sound in the world. I was a recruiter. I sold people. Not like that.

[laughs] All right. Okay. I guess we ran out of funny jobs. [laughs]

Oh, it was a caddy. I was a caddy for a little bit. Oh. That was very unique. You were pretty caddy towards the guy that groped you.

Yeah. I had solar panels. Yeah. All right. All right, Maddie.

What's cooking over there? What do you think about this guy? What did you say before he grabbed your cop? [laughs] [laughs]

“I think I said something like you want to do this?”

Huh? It's probably given him the wrong idea. I was like, we're doing this or not, man. Probably. Oh, we're doing it.

Maybe I got the story confused. You said he had a daughter that was your age. Was she there when he did that? No, he was like a married man with daughters. So he was like a closet and a gay guy.

And they were like in the house and he's like talking shit about how much he hated his wife. And then he was just like, oh, let's see it. Wow. Incredible. Chase, what's another fun fact about your life that we would find very interesting?

And then I found comedy through acting.

And I just like this way more. But, yeah. Well, you're good, man. You did a good job tonight. Great job.

Here's a big joke, bud. Thank you. Boom. Chase, stand-in ladies and gentlemen. We have a special treat for you guys.

Performing for you tonight is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history ladies and gentlemen. You know her. You love her. Make some noise for the great Fiona Polly everybody. She's here.

What? In the boy? The one and the only.

Make some noise for one more time for Fiona Polly everybody.

I know I've talked a lot about being married, but I used to be like a real big horror. Okay, and I don't feel about it.

“I think anyone in my situation would have done the same.”

Okay. You know, I was 18, I was single. I noticed with this shit I thought I was dying. You know, I wanted to roll and do as much dick as possible. You know, and then you find out you're not really dying.

And now you're like just a horror. And that is her truth to live with. But back in my day, I had a good amount of one night stands. Okay, but I'm a normal lady. Sometimes I wanted to legs sneak out.

This shit made it impossible. Every time I back up. Okay, so I did figure out like a work around for it. I started only fucking black guys. The great Fiona Colly that it is.

Fiona, how's it going? Good, are you fantastic.

“It must be why like being a guy who fucked you back in the day.”

And then you show like. It takes too much credit. Yeah. And then you show the boys like, look at her now. Fiona, have you ever been with a black man?

I have, yeah. You almost said you tried. Now, what exactly does that mean? 12 inches. I'm not kidding.

That is why I'm in the wheelchair. It feels good to be honest. Wow. Incredible. Where'd you meet this guy?

College. Okay, we have another one for you right here. That's who I was talking about. Yeah. Deep madness did a little college tour.

Put a lot of ladies and a lot of wheelchair. Oh, college tour, a little college tour? Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, we're black.

You see, you had a wild college life, did you? Yeah. Yeah, I thought I was dying. Yeah. Yeah.

When was that? How long ago was that? I graduated in 2019. Yeah. And you had, you had your condition then?

Yeah. I got diagnosed at 18, so right before. Yeah. So you're like, I'm dying. I'm going to fucking, I'm really.

Fuck a black guy.

“That's why I can't wait to get my terminal illness diagnosed.”

That's just finally just blast this ass once and for all.

But I'm waiting. I'm holding out strong until I have a few months to live. Brad, if you. How you used to hang a girl with cancer, I thought she was going to die too. And she lives still.

Yeah, that's hard.

I was trying to get more microwaves around the house.

I got some 55 radars. I put an iPad on the her pillow. We got vaccines. I tried to make it. She made it down.

So now she's out there knowing I have a tiny cock. Well.

“That's why she survived because you're not.”

[music playing] Fiona, how's Mary life going? It really good. Yeah. It's the same.

Same old same. Yeah. And how's the condition? I sound great. You look great.

Thank you. Yeah. I think the meds are working. Uh-huh. Your doctor's solid.

Thank you. You know, it's actually funny. People ask me a lot. If the medicine is working, which is really a hard thing to answer,

because all they're supposed to do is like stop me from getting worse. So the question is like, have you noticed nothing? You know? Yeah.

And the only, like, real evidence I have that it might be working is every time I post a video online.

There are always hundreds of people that comment.

If you put this into XB, you scared. You know? [laughter] And now,

[laughter] Now they're commenting of you, but there's a 1.5 XB. Ooh. Looked down.

Yeah. A major rushing. Dustin? [laughter] What's up?

I got beef with you. Ooh. This Netflix UFC card's about to get a little bit crazier. [laughter]

Try to locate her. She feels nothing. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

[laughter] [laughter] My secret says, "Now on my birthday, I bet $300 on you."

Oh, shit. Who'd I fight?

Oh, mother fuck, I was fucked up.

I don't remember. But it was just like-- Shit. Just like 19th, and I was furious.

I don't know anything, but my husband is gay for you. Yeah. [laughter] I think if it was July,

it was my retirement fight. Yeah. Oh. [laughter] [laughter]

[laughter] Oh, well. Hey, you're beautiful,

“and I love you, Mark, and it's so good on you.”

The what? You can walk. I love that. Yeah. Well, that's great.

That you got to watch his last fight, and he got to watch your last set. That is so awesome. What an exciting thing. She's actually going to leave her.

She's going to leave her wheel from the stage. Like, you guys leave the gloves in the octagon. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

[laughter] [laughter] Your laugh has become iconic here on this show. You do know this, right? I was doing my own show,

and someone's phone went off, and it was my laugh. [laughter] [laughter] It's insane.

That's amazing. You want to give us one just for old-time sake? It's on the same. [laughter] Amazing.

The great Fiona Colley, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter] Not only is to still with us, it's absolutely funny or than ever. It's amazing.

[laughter] Okay. There she goes, everybody. [laughter] Ari Maddie says he has to go pee.

I think he has a wheelchair fetish. [laughter] We'll see what happens next. We're just going to go through this next bucket. We'll just be in Utah soon.

Make some noise for a minute. I say a Washington, everybody. [laughter] My dad was in and out of my life, but that was pretty normal in my neighborhood.

It was so bad at my elementary school that if you had a dad, we would make fun of you. [laughter] Oh, your dad took you to Disneyland? Ha, ha, you must be gay.

[laughter] Out there sucking on Disney dick. [laughter] You know what was pretty gay? Being raised by a single mother.

Every Saturday I had to go shopping with her at Lane Bryant. [laughter] If you don't know what that is,

“that's the notorious secret for big bitches.”

[laughter] I love my mom though,

Like, so religious, like, to the point,

“I used to feel shame about certain things”

when I was becoming a man.

For example, the first time I seen titties I cried.

[laughter] I was looking in the mirror like, "Yo, those are not supposed to be there." [laughter] Like, "Why, God? Why?"

[laughter] And I know I'm a bigger guy, but there are some women out there that like, bigger men. [laughter]

Fuck you all, I'll see that. [laughter] I was waiting for her, I'll fuck it, stand in the face of God, damn it. Thank you, I've been, I say,

Washington for friends of people. Wow, perfect, amazing. I say, I love that set. Thank you, man. So good.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I love that premise that if you had a dad, you got made. Oh, yeah, that was real. That's amazing.

Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? So, I'm about to hear my seven years. Seven years. That's right about what I would have guessed.

They're fantastic. Loving up there, the premises are great, the enunciation execution, everything,

absolutely fucking amazing.

We're even doing it up. So I started in Fresno, California,

“and I just moved out here to ask it about three months ago.”

Nice. Yeah, man. I'm a Fresno baby. If y'all don't know where that is, there's a little get over there,

but we, we cool, though, we cool. No, yeah. Yeah. The great, the late, great, Angela Bowers was from there.

You ever heard of him? Nah, amazing. Oh, yeah. He's from there? Yeah, he died in a car accident.

Yeah. And I sucked, though. 18 years ago. Yeah, he died sucked. That's crazy.

He would, he would have been one of the biggest comedians in the world right now. Oh, yeah. Accidentally killed. But anyway. Yeah.

I'd say how, uh, I was at Ben in Austin for three months. It's been pretty good, Ben. Like, it's chill out here, but the first day I went out of my phone got robbed. That's only thing, man.

On sixth street, man. It's crazy. Like, yeah, I know I'm a big dude, but they somehow snatch my phone out of my phone. Like, you didn't even know.

No, I didn't. I don't know. Yeah, it happened to you. We made what's small in the niche and children. Oh, shit.

I won't bother you with my girlfriend. And then small in the niche and children. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. There's so cute. And then they took my phone.

I noticed it back at the hotel. So then I was looking for two. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't. I'm pretty sure he found the two on their missing.

No. No kids. That's why I keep my phone in my pants between my balls and my asshole. And crazy enough, mine got stolen by a small Indonesian child.

[ Laughter ] Silly. Oh, man. I say, what do you do for work? So I work at the Vulcan Gas Company right now.

Nice. Just, yeah, doing it on security stuff. Fuck yeah. Yeah, it's pretty awesome though. What'd you do before that?

Uh, I used to work with a special needs of adults back in a Fresno man. I also work with a special. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, I could tell the signs right there.

Yeah. I could see it. Yeah. Like, a special needs like what the down syndrome and all that. We're talking all spectrum high level linked to like,

people on wheelchairs like, you know. So let me ask you this. So I knew it. Well, I mean, come on. Fiona doesn't need another reason or want to kill yourself.

Not everybody in a wheelchair is special. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I used to work with a guy. Uh-huh.

My good friend, who used to do the same thing. Do they fuck a lot that you're clinic? Oh, yeah, they do be doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They do be doing that.

But they be having like, it's kind of weird though. Sometimes like, you don't have like a normal boyfriend pick 'em up and you be like, "Oh, bro, that ain't cool." Like, she got autism done. You're like, "Bad."

Yeah. Yeah. Don't have autism. Okay. All right.

We guess we know who the boyfriend is here. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Make her suck your dick with a lollipop. With a lollipop?

Yeah. They love that shit. I never tried that. So this was like an actual clinic. So there's a lot of people.

Yeah, it was a day center. So they come from like, in the daytime, only then they go back to like a group on. Oh, yeah. Okay.

So what's the wildest thing you ever saw these other people? I'm going to be real. I don't this too, love me, though. But a lot of them were like really dope and really cool, but one of them did just shit in the hallway out of nowhere.

And you know, it's our job to pick it up and shit. And I made somebody else do it. I have to like, I didn't see it. And they've walked right past it. So I'm sorry about that.

But I ain't doing that, bro. Like that's right. It was a big dude, too. Like bigger than me. Like, oh.

Right on the ground. Just right there. Oh, yeah. On the acceptable red band. Why did you do that?

God damn it. I dropped you off at the Baker Center. I do these nice things for you. And you're a soul ain't returned. [ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-That's what he said. -That's amazing.

-That's like a good karma job.

“-Yeah, yeah, that's why I got pulled tonight.”

-Yeah. -Yeah. -Because of that job. -If you do something bad, you can bring it up to God. -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember the time I walked past the street?

“Well, like, come on. -Yeah, give me, yeah.”

I'm getting into heaven for sure. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah. -So, boo-pee. [ Laughter ] -I say, I tell you that it's more about your life.

Do you have brothers and sisters? -Yeah, I got a lot of half siblings. I don't got any full ones. My dad's black, my mom's Mexican. They're y'all there and no one's shit.

But, uh, uh, my brothers and sisters, like, uh, in and out of my life, too, just in and out living with my dad and Cleveland, and then I was in Cali the whole time. And, uh, yeah, seeing them every once in a while.

You know what I mean? One of my sisters about to get married. Oh, my other brothers and jail. -What is your brother in jail for? - Yeah. (laughing)

- Let's just say, "What's it called, like, a homie?" - Oh, what? - What?

- Something like a murder. - Something like a murder.

- A murder was a case that they wrote. - Got it. - Okay, yeah. - I'm not going to talk too deeply on that 'cause it's real, it's real. - But that's like cool. - Do I have like a brother? - Yeah, yeah.

- And I mean, fuck with me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll call my brother and he's going to be like, "How am I going to pay you?" - I'm not going to pay you. - You're like, "Yeah!" (laughing) - Hell yeah, I got connections in the walls.

- Amazing. - Yeah. - And your mom's the Mexican, isn't it? - Yeah, she's the Mexican. - Did you ever get to meet your dad? - Yeah, I did, I did.

I got to meet him. He was in and out of my life. Like, I'll see him in the summertime and stuff like that. He'll come by and say, "What's up?" - He was in the summer time.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like a rapper or trying to be a rapper. - Wow. - So I'll be in the studio and stuff getting hot box at like eight years old. Does he have something on Spotify or something?

“- He got something on YouTube, but that's why.”

- What's the rap? - It's called Squadry Click. - I don't even know how you would begin to spell that. I'm guessing it's a Q, SQ, A, D, R, I, C, K. - I mean, Squadry Click.

- Squadry Click. - Not first, not first, thanks first. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is just that I grew up on. It's like so, it's only got 1,000 in two views for 10 years ago.

Wow. It turns out a lot of people don't go to visit your daddy. It's amazing. - Only fist up on the sun in the summertime. - I'm like nine years old and got to the studio.

Like, yeah, yeah. - Got things. - I mean. - It's a lot of-- - I'm thinking on the nature.

- Another nigga will. - On my hand. - That's your brother. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, my brother. - Yeah!

(laughing) - Hold on a second. - I noticed something. - What could we do?

- I noticed something pretty amazing here.

The song debuted on YouTube 13 years ago. - That's 1,000 in two views. - Uh-huh. - And 11 years ago, two years after it came out, there's only one comment on this.

- Yeah. - On this video. And it is from someone named Isaiah Thecommit. - Yeah, that's me. - And the comment on YouTube profile says,

"Whoa, where you find this at?" (laughing) - Yeah, I was shocked. What would you like to know? - Yeah, I don't know who uploaded that.

And all I did was have a CD of him on my CD player. I didn't even know it was out there like that. - And what were you doing just randomly Googling your dad 11 years ago? - Oh, yeah, man.

- Stop with your eyes, these white lady eyes shut up. - Yeah, I just wanted to see if you made any money or anything like that. (laughing) (laughing)

Yeah, man, I found out somebody stole this shit and I'm going to find them, man. - Do you think someone's profiting off of the 1000 views? - Yeah, they got like a 5% for the 5% or something like that, man.

But yeah, it's the closest your dad's ever been to having a 50% like career. - True, true, true, man. My dad tried to, man, my dad did pass away though.

“That's why I probably let that call the time ago.”

And I was like, yeah, let me listen to him reminisce to that one time he seemed me. (laughing) - That is sad. How did your father pass away?

- He passed away from being like overweight. (laughing) (laughing) It's crazy though, 'cause he like guys. Not multiple times and shit, like when he was younger

and shit, but he survived it and then like, heart disease dog, 'cause sugar is the home dog. - Yeah, it's gangsta. - It's forever. (laughing)

Sugar goes home, 'cause sugar leaves the guns like this. - Yeah. - Let's go, sugar to my daddy out, and I've been trying it. (laughing) (laughing)

And I, (laughing) - Glucose, James. - Yeah, that's why he's so much sugar 'cause I'm trying to kill all the sugar dunk like... (laughing)

- That's right. (laughing)

- Do you want me to dunk and donuts like this? (speaking in foreign language) (laughing)

“- I say I find you to be unbelievably hilarious.”

Keep signing up, come back again. We wanna see more of you, all right? There you go. I say a Washington. (laughing)

Funny guy. (laughing) All right, back to the Bucaligo. Make some noise from Mark Noyer, everybody. Mark Noyer.

(upbeat music) - I'm a huge fan of Alex and Jones. (laughing) - I like him a lot. I'm a big kind of Alex Jones.

The thing about him is he, he says some things that are true, right? 'Cause he's like a lot of controversial guy. He says some things that are true, though. For example, he said they're gonna fly planes

into the twin towers. That's not funny. It's just true. He said that of June of 2001. He did, right, right.

Now, I'm not a college educated individual, right? But I do know that June comes for September. Every fucking year. (laughing) Like I said, I'm not a, I didn't go to college.

I dropped out of high school. So I don't know if they're putting chemicals in the water

“that are turning the fricking frogs gay.”

I don't know. I don't know. But I do know that the frogs, they probably didn't want to be out in. (audience laughing)

Thank you. Okay, Mark, no way, or welcome.

Welcome, this is your first time on the show.

Yeah. Nice, how long you been on standup? Coming up on nine years. Wow, where at? San Francisco.

The whole time? I started, uh, me at Tika, California. Uh, still live in San Fran? Nope. You live here now.

Oh, I'm good. 10 minutes ago? 10 minutes. Okay, perfect. It's happened before, where people literally have gotten here.

10 minutes ago. Um, okay, Mark, what do you do for work? Uh, right now I'm a daytime bartender on six. Okay, how's that going for you? It's good one.

Fun, right? Yeah, it's a daytime bartender. Yeah. Interesting choice. The nighttime is when you make the big bucks.

You be surprised. Oh, uh, I think you'd be surprised. (audience laughing) It's like that. It's an inside podcast.

Anyway. That is a good, it's a great reference. Uh, I love it. Mark is bartending what you were doing when you were in San Francisco. Yeah.

Yeah, I was working comedy, uh, then you, as a bartender. Do you steal money as a bartender, too? I used to be a bartender. Not anymore. Not anymore, uh, huh?

On six-string San Francisco, I did, though. Exactly. Yeah. I used to do that, too. You have to.

How, how, what's the, what's the scan? What are you doing to me? Like, what's the? (audience laughing) What are you going to do to me, everybody?

Okay, I open up first and then you open up.

Yeah. All right, tell us your scan. Tell us the Estonian fucking credit card. The card like a bartender is pretty easy. Uh, from one big bottle of booze,

you can get about 16 double cocktails. The revenue price that the bar has is, of course, so much higher than the market price. So you bring your own bottles. (audience laughing)

And you have a side register. (audience laughing) One for you, one for me. I was like, Robin Hood, but for myself. (audience laughing)

Wow, that's a pretty good one.

“And then sometimes, do Americans, do you guys all free poor, right?”

I do. Yeah, you can steal it a little bit, you know? Like, if it's four centimeters of alcohol, every fourth cocktail is for free 'cause you try 'em up short.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. (audience laughing) You're very serious about that. Very serious. (audience laughing)

And then from one draft, you know, like, a big jug, the draft beer, the one big, the cake. Yeah. You get 66 beers, but with foam,

it's actually 58 beers, so you can steal the six. Mm-hmm. I gotta tell you, I'm from Stockton, California. You're losing with all these numbers. So what was your scam?

(audience laughing) Void the drinks, after void of few drinks. Not ring the men. Right. When the people paid cash,

you would just take the cash. And San Francisco, yeah. Yeah. Not at my current job. Right, exactly.

Very well put. Amazing. (audience laughing) Amazing note. Amazing footnote.

You would never do that now,

but you totally did it then. Yes. Nice, Mark. Uh, tell us more about your life. What exactly are you into?

You have any hobbies or anything like that? I play a lot of League of Legends on my phone. Mm-hmm. Specifically on my (laughs) Surprise, yeah.

That did, like, League of Legends. Yeah, I did notice you can rest. You're a microphone. Like, yeah, I do. It's a crazy move.

I'm a big boy, baby. Big boy, yeah. You are a big. Fucking shudder! Uh, yeah, I play League of Legends.

Other than League of Legends, you do anything.

You seem like I'm... I've been doing a little bit of put put golf. Oh, shit. All right.

“How many times do you think you've put putted recently?”

Show me your putt stance. I don't think you can see the bowl, okay. Whoa, it's actually very good. That's pretty good. Wow.

Look at that. Uh, we just went to Peter Pan one, the local one. They have the race of statues. Oh, I didn't know about this. Now I want to go.

Yeah, it's great. Wow. They have a dude doing a full blown signal. Okay, that's what I'm talking about. They're watching you now, it's, you know, hey, dude.

What are you trying to do to me up here, man? (laughs) They changed him from, uh, from, like, I don't know. I've essentially a Nazi to, he's a pirate now, so his sick hell hand has a little hook.

Are you serious? Seriously? The sick hell handoff, yeah. Where is this hat?

It's, uh, off the South first, and Barton Springs, I think.

They're about to tear it down and it just, yeah, they saved it, yeah. Wait, what's the called?

“Peter Pan's put, put extra of a dance of place or something?”

Damn. Yo, you've been there? No, I know about it, though. We all know about it. (laughs)

Very interesting. Marc, you have a girlfriend or anything like that? Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? It's San Francisco.

Oh, yeah. She's a comedian too. Oh, nice. Amazing. How long have you two been together?

So we just hit our one-year anniversary, a couple months ago? Who's better? She's way funnier than I am. Really?

Nice, good. She didn't sign up. Talk tonight. Right. It's another show, which is, you know, what are you going to do?

Yeah. On other show? Yeah, she gets booked. Oh, wow. luxury at nine years in comedy, I don't have an Austin right now.

Yeah. Well, anything can happen, anything can change. Here's a big joke book, Marc. I like your style. Sign up again sometime.

Thank you very much. We're going to keep it moving along here. You guys still hanging in there? We're coming around the corner. Are we going to get it?

All right, this looks like a brand new name. So this should be fun. Make some noise for flash, gore on, a flash, gore on. Here goes the flash. How's it going, everybody?

My name is the flash gore on Bosnian and I don't know what that means either. Yeah, I don't even know my own stereotypes, which is kind of weird. All I know is that other Europeans get very nervous when I'm around them. And you're welcome, so let's say about that. If somebody came up to me and said, you know, all Bosnian's or bad drivers, my response

would be, you know, what else? I want to know. I'm going to get my block out and take some notes. The block also makes pens, not everyone knows that. I'm not the best representative from Bosnians.

“I know that I forgot most of the language and I'm a good driver and also, I think I just”

forgot the rest. Thanks, guys. Flash, gore on, welcome to the show, flash. Thank you. I already.

What's up? No, what's funny, how are you? You stare at her by Bosnians. A stereotype is you steal you lie. I know, but hey, come on.

I used to know a truck driver that told me if you ever drive through Bosnia, you don't stop. That's good to know. I haven't been there in a while. Flash, I'm going to tell you right from the top here. I got to tell you, you seem like one of the nicest, most show people ever.

I appreciate that. It's only thing. Look at every response. I didn't know that. Thanks a lot.

You're adorable. How old are you? 37, 30, and I'm Friday. Okay. Well, happy upcoming birthday, my friend.

Thank you. You're a very likable guy. How long have you been attempting to stand up comedy? First time ever.

First time ever, the sound of a goat.

What made you want to start here tonight? I just wanted to go out of town for a while and start by and I thought this would be a fun time. Where do you live now? Marillo.

Amarillo, originally from Bosnia, but I lived in Amarillo, most of my life. Okay, from one war torn area to the next. Exactly. What made you pick Amarillo? I didn't.

I was eight, so I was the youngest of my family. I don't know if you know this. One of the most interesting fun facts you'll ever hear. Matt Mewling is from Amarillo, Texas. The original guitarist here.

Look at him. Are you liberal? That's a wild question, Red Band. And I just like both sides equally.

Very good answer. Amazing answer.

You're like, "What a sweet guy."

Yeah. I appreciate that, aren't you? You're like, "Watch the show and stuff." Yeah, I do. You might be one of the most nice people that I've ever pulled out of the bucket before.

“Can you tell us like the worst, the meanest thing you've ever done in your life?”

Dustin, what do you think it is? I think he broke the door to door salesmen problem. Fuck his perfect boy when he lands, they land, holy shit. Actually, it was a door to door salesmen for a while, so you're not wrong. Amazing.

Door to door salesmen. You're not a group of you, would you close the deal? Oh, absolutely. Right. That's back.

Thank you for that. That was very nice of you. I really appreciate it. What did you tell? You seemed like a crazy guy to show up as a door to the door, okay?

I was just in my doing, put a blanket over you, make you some tea. I saw the vacuum a long time ago. That's all I've done to order a door. Hey, this rug is pretty dirty. Yeah, everybody.

Like a $2,000 vacuum cleaner. Did you read good at selling them? Not really, no. Okay. What do you do for work now?

Currently unemployed. I wasn't an analyst for 14 years, and then I got let go. And then I worked at a slaughterhouse for about a year. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Well, hello there, little cow. I got bad news for you today. I don't know exactly how to break this to you. But, you know, you're going to be used for better things than just standing out in the field now. People are going to be going to be able to give people life.

Wow. When you killed them. What did you feel? I didn't actually do the killing. I did a lot of the cleaning up after.

Oh, wow. $2,000 vacuum cleaner. Damn, now that's a pretty frightening job. Right up. I mean, we cannot picture you.

One of the sweetest people ever pulled out of the bucket. Mopping up cow is a cow's mostly cows. Yeah, cow's lead. Yeah, it's pretty gross. Four guns and shit.

Yeah. All room floor. Wow. All on the floor. Someone's got to do it.

And I'm the guy for the job. Gosh, darn it. If not me, then who? If not now, then when? A man?

A man? I really like you. What's the craziest thing that ever you ever saw at the slaughterhouse? Where you're like, "God, this is kind of crazy." When the vents get clogged up and the blood just kind of rises up.

“And then what you have to like plunge it or something like that?”

Yeah, I have to take it apart and then make sure that all of the things up. Make sure that all the drains out. I'm sorry. Some people, what I love about this audience. Some people are covering their faces in fright and some dudes in the corner are cracking up right now.

They're laughing at the fact that you'd have to remove a vent and chop up what's already been chopped up. Amazing flash. What's your love life like? What do you have chained up to a radiator right now? Nothing currently, but I do have a girlfriend.

You do? Oh, my goodness. What's that? You might have to press you, are you? You're adorable.

Where'd you meet her at? On Bubble.

I don't like starting conversations and you have to, the girl has to talk first when you match.

That's perfect for me. Oh, my goodness gracious. So she started the conversation and then what, where did you take this girl on your first date? We went to a restaurant the first time and then we went to Palderor Canyon the second time. What was that?

We went to Palderor Canyon the second time. What is that exactly?

“Palderor Canyon is the second biggest canyon in the world, I think.”

Oh wow. Yeah, the nice. Is it Amarella? Wow. Okay.

And then where did you plant that first kiss out? Was that in the canyon? Is she still in the canyon? Did she go for the kissed first? No, that was me. Damn.

Oh my goodness. What was your move? Were you guys having a conversation at the time? Were you looking up at the stars?

Tell us about that first kiss.

We were at the park and she talked about how she wanted to have a boyfriend and she didn't want to be friends anymore. And I just kind of went for it. Right. Wow. So you closed your eyes and leaned in like that?

Yeah, I think so. Oh yeah, perfect. Hey, would you like the kiss? Would you like to sit on my car, Clayton? And now you guys up there?

And now you guys have sex on a regular basis. A couple of times a week. I love it. Wow. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you like to do?

I want it seems like the almost a porn star name.

Would we be shocked to see your violent behavior in the... What's your big move in the bedroom? What's your favorite thing to do during sex? It's pretty basic. Yeah, you throw a thumb in her ass and make her gag with your other hand.

That sounds about right. Okay, perfect. Sometimes I'm just on the money. You know what I mean? Sometimes you just...

Sweet Sarah's Sloans. Like, is that really what happens? I'm kidding, Sarah. Amazing. Flash.

Wow. Does she like both of you around in the bed? Not all the time. Hmm. Flash, I find you to be such a sweet guy.

What do you want to... what are your goals?

“Like, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?”

About 37.

You're currently unemployed.

Is that correct? That's correct. Where do you see the rest of your life going? You are comically adorable. I appreciate that.

He has to say he appreciates it. He can't just let it go. He's so sweet that he has to let us know that he appreciates it. I just want to find a job and hopefully something with a lot of vacation times so I can go travel as much as I can.

Where do you want to travel? Thailand. I like to stay to Washington better. Okay. How much?

Can I explain? Yeah. Go ahead explain. Why do you love this state of Washington? So my favorite thing to do is call the wing walking.

It's where you get on top of an airplane while it's flying. And then you just ride around on the plane. And then you just have that in Washington. Yo. Oh, it's like on top of the plane like yours.

If I, if I told you. I really hope we won't crash. Help. Can you please take care of me? Wow.

It was a really good time up there. Quite the answer. Funny guy to tell you, girlfriend, like, hey, you want to go win-walking? Actually, that's all of that. Are you going to take her sometime?

I took her once. She didn't pass the training. What is the training for win-walking, exactly? Basically, the plane's on the ground and you climb up and down the plane. What did she have trouble with? Climbing up.

Climbing up. So is she? No, I'm doing this. Was there a climb like she needed some carabiners and a guy at the bottom holding the rope? She'd be, be, be, go.

Now it's just hard to do.

“You have to have a background in climbing and you're pretty.”

I think so. How many times have you win-walked? Three times. Wow. My goodness.

That is incredible. And you love it. Yes, my favorite thing. Wow, what's your second favorite thing?

That is an answer we've never had on the show in its history, by the way.

We've never had someone that works at a slaughterhouse and we've never had a win-walker before. And God damn it, this is the last guy that I would ever think would do either one of those things. Second favorite thing. Shumping off the stratosphere building in Vegas. Did you jump off of it?

Yeah, you can bungee jump off of it. Oh, okay. You're a real adrenaline junkie. Surprisingly, yeah. Looking.

Very surprisingly. It is very surprising. This is incredible. Wow. Are you ticklish?

Very. I would have guessed that. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of pent-up energy in there.

“When you want to burn off some steam flash, what do you do locally?”

Like when you're in AMRLO or here or whatever. Like when you want to get loose. When you feel a little antsy, what do you do? Um, hiking, lifting, video games. Just pretty basic stuff.

I love it. What makes you really fucking angry? Yeah, that's a great question. I can't picture you getting angry now that I've made. Like what was the last thing where you were like.

Fuck! Yeah, exactly. Great fucking question. Uh, probably from losing my job. Uh, you're act.

I tell you. I tell you. Listen, you're a nice guy. But we got to let you go. Fuck!

Hey, look at that. Well, Flash. Uh, what's your social media in case someone that wants to hire you can reach out to you for something? 'Cause you seem like a fucking, you seem like just a decent, very decent human being. Thank you, Tony.

Uh, head to sit. Head to sit. Unbelievable. I love it. Flash, Goran.

Flash, Goran. That's your real name. That's your real name. No, my name is, uh, my name is Goran. Uh, have a nickname, Flash, Goran.

I love it. 'Cause you're so fast.

Had work.

And you're still living AMRLO, right?

Yeah, I still live there. Okay. And that's where your girl lives, too. Yeah, she lived with you. Yeah, she does.

She's her mammary low as well, though. Uh, she's originally from LA.

“Uh, I'm originally from Bosnia, but we've been, um, in AMRLO for a long time.”

So if someone wanted to hire you somewhere else in Texas or somewhere else, you'd be willing to do that. I'm in no way, I guess not. Perhaps someone even in the, uh, win-walking industry could hire you. That would be awesome. Seabably.

Wow. Well, put it out there. Someone in the win-walking industry or really anywhere. Once to hire true, you might be one of the sweetest men we've ever met. Higher flat.

Yes. Go ran. We have a big joke, but for this guy, even though it was his first time in this. So it's just okay. They're going to give you one on your way out.

I've run out of them up here tonight. Great job. I appreciate you. How about one more time per flash? You know what?

Sometimes being hilarious doesn't necessarily matter. Nick and come from the least expecting places. Like being an adorable sweet. And it might sound crazy if you're like listening to this and not watching it. But like he's, he's oddly genuine.

Yeah. You see, it really shows about the show.

If you just are who you are, you can always resonate.

Yeah. First time. It's a great point. He is just genuine. Like it feels like that's that guy.

Lovely guy.

“Then again, he could be stabbing everyone behind us right now.”

100%. All right. Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. You guys with it? All right.

Let's see what happens there. Makes noise for BLE. Everybody. BLE. [MUSIC]

My, my, my size microphone. Ah. It's big deal for me. I get haircuts for this. Get a lot of different reactions on the haircut though.

Younger, comic told me. BLE, you look like you're in your 20s and 40s at the same time. Ah, had a little girl run up to me. Said, you look like Jason Mammoa. The Wish.com version.

Heckler told me, I look like Jason Mammoa. If he was Aquaman, who only lived in a puddle. [LAUGHTER] Your laughter indicates you think these are insults, but I took him as a compliment.

Because prior to Mammoa, I was getting Walmart, Mark Wallberg. [LAUGHTER] I'm fairly certain it's just Donnie Wallberg. [LAUGHTER]

But I could never be Donnie.

Not because of the singing, dance, and acting. He can barely do that. It's because he married Jenny McCarthy. And yes, Jenny was a master-batory fantasy in my teens and 20s. But 40 year old me knows that would be a sexless marriage.

Because she's trying to end autism. And you can't do that by fucking a retard. [LAUGHTER] Thank you, folks. All right, we got there in the end.

Billy. Welcome, welcome, Billy. I was terrified. I was going to get that bear. That you were going to what?

Get the bear. It comes. Oh, go to late. I don't know if you see this. You come here.

Thank you, Billy. Amazing. I didn't hear you when you said bears. When I said what? I should have done this because I'm an audio issue.

It's all good. I'm a fuck. Thank you. I'm going to do up until that part, so now you're fucked. That's it's crazy.

I was doing it more for them, Tony. I apologize, please. I wish you would have done this set for them, too. Oh. Oh, you're adorable.

It's good to see that the guy co-cave man's doing good out here. I just knew sweater. Of all the things that people have told you that you look like. I'm beautiful. I like to be the poster child to give it up.

You look like something that flash should be sweeping up in a slaughterhouse. I saw the guy coming out. I feel like he's only qualified for jobs where you can't look at him. Okay. All right, Billy.

“How long have you been attempting to stand up, Billy?”

Yeah, it's been an attempt of about a little over three years. November was my anniversary. And you mostly talked about, like about 70, 80% of your stuff. We're things that other people have called you. If they really call you that, or were you using that as a device?

Most of that was true. And you know, I punched it up. Yeah. Most of that happened. Right?

There was a good doll named Walberg thing at the end of a little remix there. That made sense. Billy, let's talk about your life. Have you ever wind walk before? No?

Now, what do you like to do for fun? Wind walking. For fun? I just took roll of lighting back up. Whoa.

Holy shit. I got it. I got it. I cannot picture that. I cannot picture you out there on a rollerblad.

I got a really active dog. I grew up playing hockey and coaching hockey. So I get a lot more energy out of my rollerblad.

I do now. Well, I live in Kyle. So, okay.

And you're the only human rollerblading in Kyle Texas.

Yeah. Yeah. How many times do pick-up trucks fly by you? Screaming a homophobic slur? My neighborhood, I feel is like very much people that lived somewhere else.

I don't think there are many Texas people in my neighborhood. Okay. I would bet that the city of Kyle would disagree with that tremendous level. The city has a generalization. Yes.

The city of Kyle. But my particular, what do you do for work, Billy? Currently unemployed. Wow. Very unemployed.

Yeah. Yeah. I was doing construction for a little while.

“Is there he got arrested or is just ghosting me like your boss?”

Yeah. Well, he's not my boss anymore. But yeah. He was. What did you do when the construction site?

They had me like building fences and dex and stuff. Huh. Yeah. How old are you?

What a life we're living.

I got a face for power tools. Okay. Billy, how long have you been unemployed? Uh, it's about a year now. It's been about a year that you've been unemployed.

How do you make the cushion of money last so long? Uh, I was working for, you know, up until we moved out here. And I had saved up a lot of money. Who's we? I have a female at home.

Okay. Do you have kids? What are you saying? We don't. We don't.

We don't. We don't. We don't. We don't. Very scary.

Yeah. I got a female at home. Yeah. Wow. What is she like to that?

What does she do for a living? She's the main provider. Correct. Have you ever say that?

“They'll tell you within seconds, nurses.”

Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay.

How do you contribute to this household?

I, uh, I clean. I do all the manly stuff. Like, you know, the, like, breaking bricks with my head. And, uh, you know, mow the lawn. And, uh, we got, uh, really bad ant infestation.

That's a prom here in Texas. Um, so I had to re-cock the whole house. That was fun, you know. Um, but a lot of vacuuming, folding of laundry, uh, you know, letting her vent about her day, which I would otherwise, you know, interject if I had a job. Yeah.

Why haven't you gotten a job in a year? Uh, well, I, you know, I was doing the construction in that year ago. No, no, no. Well, it was less than a year ago. I haven't had, I didn't can start at that a real job.

When's the last time you worked? Before I moved out here, I was selling car parts. Okay. Yeah. How long have you lived out here?

It's, it's been, uh, a little over here. Fuck, it's going on here. So, so the construction job didn't last that long. It was, it was kind of... Fisher under the...

Girlfriend ever asked you, Winnie, you gonna get a job?

“It's, it's been a conversation more than once.”

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And what do you say? Yeah. What do you say when she asks you?

I say, hey, look at this application that I'm putting in. Yeah. You got to make it very evident, you know. Well, we've left. Laptop.

Has it, like, caused strain on the relationship? Not yet, but I could get there. It's coming. Yeah. If this set went better, I was going to beg Tony for a job,

but I don't think it's going to work, Ari. That's definitely not. If I didn't hire Flash, I'm definitely not hiring Eras. Flash is a machine. He looks like he's...

I appreciate that Tony. I hear him in my heads. And thank you, even though I'm gone. I really respect his... I mean, it's just overwhelming, Tony.

I mean, while I have year on a appreciative ask, I don't know if you've seen the show, but, uh, I haven't worked in a year, but not a lot of year old years. It's again, Tony. That was just for them.

I do a bunch. Okay. Stop. All right. I should know how you made her weird.

I feelings. Oh, you're making it weird. How do you know? Have you noticed that this... Can't live has also taken a negative...

No, that's one of the choices. That's on the chore list, Ari. Okay. Yeah. Why?

You were asking about things I had to do. If I didn't do the sex, I'm pretty sure it would be a lot worse. Uh, let me tell you something. What's, give us a redeeming quality about you. Give us like a good deed that you've done or something.

Like people like... Uh, people tonight at work. Save the guy from drowning once. Oh, really? Wow.

Look at that. Where was that at? Uh, it was when I was living in Vegas. Uh, we were hiking the Arizona... Wait, where is their water in Vegas?

Tony, he was in the pelagio fountain. Uh, I mean, like, it was like the water was up to his waist. But I'm like, dude, it over here. And I like saved his ass, dude. As I was saying, we were hiking the Arizona hot spring.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

“And I was with a guy from Texas and, like, some pharmacy kids.”

I was working in pharmacy at the time.

What were you doing in a pharmacy? I was a... I was a pharmacy. I was a pharmacy technician. I was a pharmacy technician for a dozen years.

Yeah. So I did it for 10 hours in Vegas. So how did you spot that he was drowning? Was he like... Oh, he's girlfriend was like, I don't think he's kidding.

And I looked over and he was breathing water instead of swimming. And did you jump in and say... I was already in the water. I jumped off the cliff already. So I came up to him.

See, we're already next to a guy that got drowning. And you're like... Here we go. So another guy swam to shore. So I did better than...

And that was his actual friend. So I saved him. And he was a pharmacist. So he maybe didn't kill somebody later. So...

Yeah. I don't know what any of this means, Billy. Oh. But I'm guessing that was for them for the crowd or something. Billy, everybody, there he goes.

Billy, everyone. It's hard to come across this likeable after Flash Grand. So I mean, it's just like some people were bad at comedy tonight. And then the next guy was great.

“I think anyone after Flash seems completely unlikable.”

Right? Except for our last comedian of the night ladies and gentlemen, who's one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show. Everybody, every single week. Not only does he write a new minute, he writes about two minutes.

Doing double the work that he has to do. He's a fucking freaking nature. Here to bring it home. Show you how it's done. Make some fucking noise.

For what was once the dark storm of Atlanta. And now is the dark storm of Austin. This is the trick for everybody. Yeah.

When I first moved to Austin,

I was working at his car wash called Surf Through Car Wash. And they hired me as a manager. And then afterwards told me that tattoos are not exact. Like they can't be seen at the car wash. And that let me know these niggas aren't good with money.

Because the more tattoos you have, the more people trust you with their car.

“You don't want to blank niggas telling you your rims are dirty.”

You don't want a blank niggas looking at show transmission. You want to fell in with a throat tattoo being like your filters dirty. Like whatever you need, sir, just don't go back to jail. Tattoos, let's you know, a mother fucker went through something to work here.

Like doctors don't have tattoos. Surgeons don't have tattoos. You know who do nurses? Nurses are sexiest fuck. If the hospital's just only had nurses,

everybody would be cured. Because their niggas can't wait to shove a needle in your neck and get you to fuck out of there. All I'm saying is if you can't punch the dry wall, you shouldn't be hanging my dry wall.

Tattoos let me know that you have blue collar worker. Like you don't do anything. You don't sweat for work. Not at all, but look at this mother fucker. He's got his tattoos.

He'd be drumming his fucking ass off. You sitting over here late back like a bitch. I... That's my time, I'm sorry. I love it.

Kendrick Flynn. For those of you watching or listening to the show. The guy that he pointed at and said you don't do anything or work is without a doubt a guy that doesn't do anything for work. Completely shaking.

It said no and looks like he's done nothing before. You nailed it. Dedrick, how's life going? Fucking good. Ay, I was going to say it.

The only reason you lost that first counter fight

because that niggas had a throat tattoo. But think you figured it out. And then you woke that niggas ass and broke his leg. Right? Two times.

You don't say that. That's what it is. You got more tattoos after that. Because tattoos on a white boy raise their battle power. Moring his head.

There is something to that tattoo thing. Great premise. Yes. And that is true. You did be Conor McGregor's ass twice.

Twice. Is that correct? And I did get more tattoos. Yeah. And I won $1,200.

Absolutely.

That chick is Fiona Conor.

Yeah. Give me. You've got to get you. You're picking Fiona 300. Yeah.

I can. I can. No. I love it. Dedrick, what else is going on in life?

Oh man. I've been touring them niggas. Sit me up to Salt Lake City last week. Fuck Salt Lake. I was playing.

They bought a lot of niggas. But I thought the city was nice until they started to lay in my flight. And then I was like, OK, my flight don't leave for extra day. Let me stay. You know what I like to do?

I like to drink niggas.

The bar is closed at 11.15.

Oh, yeah. It is not a good. That should not be a town. Yeah. That shouldn't even be a city.

Like fuck that. Like why do people move there? Mormons be tripping me to fuck out. These niggas be eating mushrooms, but can't drink or have caffeine. Yep.

I sold a lot of mushrooms as merch. Yeah. Isn't there alcohol less alcohol? The beers are alive. Yeah, they water it.

“You have to buy a food menu item before you can like purchase that.”

That was. That is bullshit. Just say you don't like black people. Like you don't say in their service cities. Then when you walk in, it was like, hey, we don't serve.

And it's here behind the kin. Unless. And I was like, I haven't even ordered yet. You know what I'm saying? Like this is to say, you don't want me in your bar.

I heard the music. Nick a pair of warmers plan, but I love pair more. Our Mormons, the one that do soaking. Yeah, they do soak. They do soak.

You know, soaking? Yeah. What's your take on it? Well, explain it to the people that might not know. So so.

So like that. He can't like fuck the bitch, but what he can do is get me. While he's around the pussy with his massive car. Yes. And I'll shake the bed for him.

Do you put it? They call it so good because you put your dick inside, but you don't move. But then I moved the bed for you. Yeah, you moved the bed. And that's called friendship.

And to be honest, when I'm doing that,

“I think at this point, even God would be like, just fuck the bitch.”

Yeah. Yeah. You got your friend there? For sure. That was, it's a weird city because either you are Mormon, it was in the Mormon Bible.

They say that with the devil trick 130 the angels to rebel against God. God turned their skin black. So all black people are like devils. They're not wrong right now. But that's kind of mean.

But they said I could be white again if I get saved through the Mormon thing. And I don't think I want to be white. Yeah. So good. Let me tell you something.

Sounds good to us. Yeah. Yeah. [ Laughter ] Dedrick, we fucking love you.

You're super strong. I think that's from Dedrick Flynn. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you to our sponsors, BlueTube, prize picks, and Talk Space.

“How loud can this place get for the great Justin Porea, everybody.”

Drawing us is Kill Tony panel debut so fun. Have a one more time for the great. Ari Matty, everybody. He's on the biggest tour possible. He's working harder than anybody.

And that's including when he's not on tour here in Austin. I mean, this is the hardest working guy. It shows through the work. One more time for Ari Matty. Kill Tony is going to Las Vegas, Nevada doing Kill Tony with the WWE

WrestleMania April 18th in Vegas. We're doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles May 7th. And we're happy to announce we are doing Madison Square Garden again. For the third year in a row. August 7th and 8th.

Two obviously two different shows. Both nights in the greatest arena of all time. Madison Square Garden, that'll be our fifth and sixth sold-out shows. Ever. It's absolutely unbelievable.

It's my favorite time of the year. August didn't New York. What's better than that?

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Bell is in and it is incredible.

It is indeed Ari Matty and Dustin Porea. Let's see what Chris Rogers shoots tonight. Oh, it's Dustin Porea. Look at that. Again, only for tonight the merch is across the street at a Kill Tony pop-up

for South by Southwest. Shut up to the Kill Tony band.

Thank you to HeidiVirgina.com.

See all things HeidiVirgina. And that's about it. Red band. Check out my new video. You know me.

Cadred 7 on YouTube and Spotify.

Vegas. Los Angeles. New York.

“And of course, every show here in Austin sold-outs.”

So come see us in one of those cities.

Vegas LA or New York. Live audience. We love you. Thank you. Goodnight everybody.

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