#767 - LUIS J GOMEZ + ARI SHAFFIR + PEYTON RUDDY

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“Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?”

And that's the best band in all the land, make some noise for them, huh? We're in the studio, Rao Valéjo Carlos, so that's stress leches on the horns. Yeah, Michael Gonzalez in the mix, that's not shows bell grande. Joining the bands and I at the band joe player from Mumford and Sun's An unbelievable artist Winston Marshall, ladies and gentlemen, huge part of the Killtoni family.

We know him, we love him. The homie. Big smokes from Matt Mewling on the electric guitar John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that man's sitting right there. That's not Adam Rae.

That's Deed Madness Live in the flesh of everybody. The eyes and ears of the band. What an episode we have for you.

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Space and Zippercruder this is Killtoni.

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Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show? Huh? They are from Gentleman. I'm proud to say you have three guests tonight. The rare triple fret fucking guest lineup, two of them, are two of the most used guests in the show's history.

“One of them is first time brand spanking new on panel because I think he's one of the”

funniest people on earth coming up the ranks, truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. After three guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Arey Shafir, Lewis Shaco, Mazden, Peyton Rottie. Oh my god, is Laurie Shafir, the real deal, Lewis Shaco, Mazden.

And introducing the Killtoni universe, Peyton Rottie, everybody, Peyton Rottie, everybody,

I literally didn't believe that happened. It's all fun and games. I got that up with there you go. It's a tanker, a rat, what do you call? He's a legend. Oh, come on.

“Oh my god. I understand you don't want to touch anything that has been on a Jews head,”

but just throw it away. He needs that hat so he can get through the tunnel quicker. It's aerodynamic. It's got all the fear and ladies and gentlemen is here. My big brother, everyone's big brother in this. The end is out now. He's back with a brand new storytelling series. It's available at

AreyShafir.com. So many great comedians on it. I'm on it. You're on it? Shane Gillis is on it. Nate, our god, see the list goes on and on. It's must see TV available now at AreyShafir.com.

The end. With Jake Gomez is back, everybody. The master and grand leader of the scankfest world, scankfest tickets are available at scankfest.com. Might be sold out by the time this gets out. If they're not, make sure you fucking get them. It is the comedy file. Be there, red band. I'll be there. Everyone's there. It's a crazy big

dirty, sweaty, fun festival.

And Peyton ready, everybody. It's his first time. Look how adorable this sweet boy is.

Speaking of dirty and sweaty and fun. Hey, thanks for having me. Yeah, we're happy to have you. His tour. My best work is at Peyton ready, live.com for tickets. Go see him. This is the future right here. You're seeing him for the first time on Keltony. Peyton ready, everybody.

Follow my Instagram and Peyton ready. Comedy, that's AreyUVBY. And we're going to have so much fun. One more time this episode is bread. You buy shop if I talk space and zipper cruder. You guys know how it works over 200 innocent souls. They're not innocent at all. Some of them guilty of many crimes. Signed up for tonight's show. Anything can happen.

“What do you do is zipper-cooter thing with a bunch of guys who haven't had jobs in years?”

Sure. We're going to find out all about it. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. If I pull their name out of the bucket, you know, their time is up and you're the son of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then, or I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this guy that looks like if you put one of Donald Trump's sons in a microwave, pull the first name. There you go, sir. There you go. Very exciting, send it along.

We go wrangle that person. And while we wrangle the first comedian, we're going to have one of our great

regulars do a brand new set. Sometimes this guy does over a minute. He never calls out sick.

He never misses a set. You're watching one of the great comedians of the future, grow in front of your very eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy that was once known as the Dark Storm of Atlanta. He's now known as the Dark Storm of Oxford Tech. This is the brand new set from The Great Dedrick Flynn Everybody. Guys, what happened to silly people? Like everybody, this country just wants to be upset,

or the saddest or the madness, and I just want to be silly. And across the arms, they can be silly up. You see what I'm talking about? Where are you going? Come here to have a good time. You laugh with you. To what happened to the silly laughs that used to be said, "Boof, yeah, as laughs and comedy." Nick's because you don't even do that no more. Do you remember silly Jews? Do you remember when Jews were the sillyest people in America? Larry David, and Simon Field,

“a Sarah Silverman's fine ass. Y'all remember that just fucking already went into the wilderness for a year,”

because he couldn't be silly anymore. And we just need to just let that out. I don't know why. It's because I just wanted to say that. So I could do this silly joke real fast that I wrote down. Just to keep you on my day and your ex is a lot like reheating french fries. All right, I'm doing the next one. I'm just so you have been here with the rocket ship effect, the rocket ship effect. You know what that is? Does when you see somebody digs attractive and they

walk it towards you and you're like, "Oh, that's a 10, 9, 8, 7, all right, that's my time, all right, y'all!" He's done it again. One minute, 22 seconds from DeadDrick Flynn. Very funny. I love it.

Hell yeah, Louis shake-oh man. DeadDrick, always so funny. You're fucking hilarious,

but you're dressed like a bumper sticker on a pickup truck in Texas. You were saying, "Very patient." You're not that good. I was just got here for my jury and I was trying to pretend he's the... I love the Yikes! I hate so hat. Very bad. Welcome, DeadDrick. You got a little rabbits foot over there. Yeah, uh, some lady at the, uh,

and then she didn't give anybody else one, so I just wanted to just, "Oh, you got one too?" Oh, shit. She didn't give it to us at the same time. You was back there, break it down the drum set. You didn't do it.

“Why are you ain't wearing it? Why you got it in your pocket? Is this supposed to be in your pocket?”

All right, don't...

I mean, wow, I mean, I'm a big guy, but I've never clipped my dinner to my belt.

I'm going to save some of this for a time. Hey, Peyton, Roddy is the right. I love it. But it's just fine for my life Peyton. I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, you look like Mikey from recess, growing up. Bigger, I would not do it.

See, we're silly, we're friends, I know him. We're just... Yeah, well, your chain is too tight, buddy. That is too tight. What's going on over there? You've been doing that work out? I do a lot of push-ups, you wouldn't know, none about this.

I do a lot of push-ups, but I'm at home because I want to feel like I'm back in jail,

so I can work harder. You do push-ups with your neck? Yeah. I love it. Yeah, double up the chain. Is it like... Yeah, around twice? No, it's two steps. So, stop counting the gold. I'm going to go there. How much is this to carry?

“How much would you give me four on your New Year's trip, Marja?”

I'm out of retail. I was looking at the... What? It looks like the most expensive lynching ever. That's good. I like that a lot, man. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. You look like the top of a smore, which will grant crackers skin and that dumb ass,

marshmallow. Now I like you get pulled from there. Are you bald? Is that why you wearing a nut? It's like a car heart. You don't like it. There it is. Scared of being bald. Just let it go, bro. Dead-drick, you got the show started yet again. Ladies and gentlemen, I love you. You did do it every week. Not a need to be stopped.

It's buddy, did it again. The great dead-drick play, everybody. And it has begun. To the bucket week, go everyone. This is where jick is crazy. We're going to meet people all together.

A lot of it's going to be their first time. Maybe it's someone who's been on before.

Maybe they bomb time they were on. And they're here for redemption. Maybe they did good. And this time it didn't go so good. Maybe they did good. Joy is going to row anything and happen. The whole thing's improvised. Make some noise. For your first bucket pull, it's Tom Frank. Everyone here comes Tom Frank. That's right. Tom Frank, no relation.

But I'm going to try and lock you in right now. Like that great woman. My name is I'm a gypsy. Yeah, that just means I have a hard time answering simple questions. Like, away from what you're doing here and have you seen my dog? Yeah. My family's from Czechoslovakia. Yeah. Back then, wasn't a good time to be Jewish. So it turns out Gypsy is just a Jew that lost their documents. Still sucked. But a lot of people like to

“remind me, hey, that's not a country. Like, thanks for reminding me, I don't have a home, right?”

Yeah. We should have been clever and named it something that would stick like Israel. Then it would still be around and real today, right? But I'm a little suspicious, you know? I think like Greenland is an iceberg turkey. It's full of cats. And then whenever the immigrants come to the border, Hungary is like, sorry, we're full. But it was easy growing up with the immigrant parents. Actually, they were clever. You know, they knew enough kids at school were calling me a

fat retard. Why would they pay money for me to hear that from a professional? I used to be fat, but still stupid. So the school system is broken, but fast-shaming works. All right, Tom, fine. How you doing, Tom? It's a good day to be alive. All right. How is it, though? With you guys, yeah, how long you've been to in stand-up comedy longer than then I should be.

Want to answer the question? Like six years on and off. Okay, six years. And why do you look like an old timeie explored? It's just like you'd be standing at the front of a ship ready to take over some African country or something like that. I just got back from a festival, you know? What was the festival? Peak State? You know, Brent Pella? Oh, yeah. What's that festival? He made a movie at a festival, about a festival. It's pretty cool. Doesn't sound cool at all. How many people go to this festival?

Like 500. Wow. It's pretty good. Is it like, is there music? What goes on at the festival? Yeah, all the fixings, you know. Cosplay and dancing and camping, pretending homeless.

I'm a tour guide. Of what? What kind of tours are you giving? Go ahead.

Is a two-kip tours of the Boogie Nights set? I go to the nature. Yeah. Go hiking in the parks. You give tours to nature? Of course.

“You get paid to give tours to nature. Drive people around, walk them up. Where? Where exactly?”

The National Parks. It's a beautiful country. Peyton. Are you making all this up on the spot right now? What the fuck you talking about right now? Yeah, you know, I drive people around. I told you I'm a gypsy, right? It's not so easy to answer. What does that mean to you exactly?

Yeah, you're on the road. What all gypsies? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Exactly.

All right. Tom, what's the most interesting thing about you? You're on a podcast right now. You're barely answering questions, honestly. Get this to meet in potatoes here. You got anything about you. You might find interesting. I speak a few languages. Like what? Czech, Slovenian. Where's that two languages? It counts. Yeah. Why do you keep pronouncing it that way? It's lebecia.

“Because we were the original slaves. No, the achia part. So lebecia?”

That's lebecia. Yeah, you know, classic white guy taking credit for slavery. Okay. Tom, are you funnier in those languages? It's easier, you know, when they don't understand you and they just, you just got a funny face. All right. Like in Brazil. They don't understand so much English, but they love it when a gringo dances. Okay, Tom. It's got the vibe of his last tour to the woods was with Gabby Petito.

Yeah. Yeah. Artier and right before he killed everyone. My wife, my wife. She's a dad. Tom Frank. Here's a little joke. But we're going to keep him moving along. There he goes. Tom Frank, everybody. Yeah. Above all. Thanks for watching Winston Marshall. I love a good band, though.

“Thanks for joining us with a lovely, high-d, everybody. This is her life in the punch.”

Feets your eyes on the real deal. The Heidi or Jena.com. A lot of fun stuff going on over there. Isn't she the best? You got cigar as we got drinks. It's a party here. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Picture this. It's late at night. You're scrolling through your feeds when all of a sudden you see it. That one product you've been looking for. You click on the link at the your card. Maybe even shop around a little before

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Shopify.com/kiltown. You go to Shopify.com/kiltown. Shopify.com/kiltown. Shopify.com/kiltown. Shopify.com/kiltown. That's right. Go to Shopify.com/kiltown. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. May is mental health awareness month and Talkspace. The leading provider of online therapy wants you to strengthen your relationships and know that a caring license therapist can help and it's easy to get started. You can easily

sign up online and get paired with a license provider typically within 48 hours. Talkspace makes getting help convenient. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and exchange text, voice or video messages with your therapist too. Talkspace makes it easy, accessible and affordable to face your challenges. Whether that's a mental health condition, relationship conflicts, past trauma or everyday stress as you find so many people out of this

bucket have. You can find your path to move forward with resilience and peace plus.

he loves Talkspace. Thanks, bro. Tony, I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatment out there you can find. Therapy has helped me transform. Wow. Wow. Can't see. In so many meaningful ways, Tony. It has helped you transform in so many meaningful ways. I mean, you lost six pounds, just this month eating sandwich is alone. That's beautiful Red Band. Take care of yourself this month and every month with Talkspace. Talkspace is in network with

most major insurance plans. But if you pay out a pocket as a listener of this podcast, you'll get

$80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com/tony and enter promo code

space 80. That's SPACE 80 to match with the license therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com/tony and enter promo code SPACE 80. Thanks so much for your next bucket poll. Everybody looks like a new name to me. It's Chris. Terrace the mo. Everyone. Thank you. You nailed my last name. Drasimo. Sounds like when dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Unfortunately, I have a neck long enough

“to also be a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. How often that joke is with a pencil where you're sitting?”

This guy at the perfect view over here. Careful, this is a splashstone. But it's a Greek name, you know, my people invented both democracy and anal. Welcome, Tony. But it's a stereotype because an ancient Greece of Spartans actually had gay sex to help the army's team chemistry. That's pretty crazy, right? To think that fucking your boys makes you fight better. How do they find that out? And how embarrassing was in the realized there's like no

correlation between anal the boys being better soldiers? As far as gay, I don't know. All right, Chris. Jurassic about ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. Good say. You got your cheap Tony's gay. Sorry about that. I was fine. Made Louis laugh really hard. This giant fucking 7-year-old retard. For no reason whatsoever. It's a loophole in the show according to you guys where you just go, hey Tony loves anal and everybody laughs. So fun. How exciting. Send it

to being a real show about stand-up comedy. There's just a blatant loophole and you just let people get away with it. You loved it. Do I say your ad? It's apple. Three sizes bigger with you. You fucking

“freak. Welcome, Chris. How are you? What did you get? Jurassic mode. Is that Italian? What is that?”

It's Greek. Greek. Yes. All right. It was the whole minute. Perfect. I mean, Tony, why don't you pay attention? Yeah. I'll be right out. You see they off that gate joke and he was like, "Yes, dearius, I couldn't hear anything before or after." Tony, your necklace like you try to make a meme of yourself and chat GBT. He's Chris, by the way. I'm Tony. Oh, yep. So that'll hold the joke back.

Yeah, Chris. Chris, it looks like you're always gulping.

Chris, how long have you been on stand-up? Three years now. Where at? From Windsor Canada, I live in Toronto now. Oh, big up, great there. How's Toronto treating you? It's fun. I got the kill Tony boys. Do you got Jared and Consai?

“Yeah. Yep. Those are your homeies. You do shows with them a lot?”

Yeah. You get a lot of concise ramen. Actually, my mom met Consai because she stayed in my place and he bowed in my immigrant mom said, "Get up and laugh at him." Not that was pretty racist, but Chris, what do you do for a living? I work for a non-profit that was career days in high schools, so I travel around running career days. Most of the kill Tony open micers work for a non-profit. Yeah, I get bullied by high schoolers all the time. It's great. What did they say about you?

There was this Asian chick that was really mean to me one time. I just said a hider and she said, "You seem toxic as fuck." Wow. And I bet your ex is right about you.

Damn. Yeah. Amazing. Got that girl.

Okay, Chris. So, three years in stand-up, you're in Toronto. How often do you get to make it to America? I used to live in Windsor. I used to go over to Detroit a lot, but not much anymore. You guys are far and you hate us. Chris, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What are some things that

I don't know, I guess I used to fight. It's a kickbox a little bit.

Oh wow. Like a professionally? No, I just hand me. What else? Just kickbox? Is that your thing? Hang on, my girl. My mom, my roommate. Yeah. At the same time? No. What do you and your girl do together?

“Long walks in the beach. Typical stuff. They'll Toronto beaches. Yeah. Are you making all this up on the spot right now?”

No, she's real. She's real. I promise she's real.

Two fucking serial killers in the right. Hang out with my mom. My mom.

I'm orange. Yeah, is your mom a dead body in your attic? I change her outfit every day. Who is that's your mom? So what are you like? German or something? He's great. What you being a dead man? All right. Chris, come on. Give us something crazy about your life. There's got to be something. You ever have a near-death experience? No. He is going to after the show.

You mother fucker talking about my mom again. I'll kickbox your ass back to Canada. You piece of shit.

“Me, no. I've never almost died. You ever saved anyone's life?”

I almost saved someone's life. Tell us about that. They died? Yeah. What happened? Well, it's going to get a little sad, but my dad died like two years ago. Like in front of me. Wow. How did your dad die? He had a heart attack and wow. And I hopped in. It's CPR and no mouth to mouth. Don't worry. Yeah. He's not Tom Brady or anything. God. But you did do mouth to mouth? No, no, no. Did you do chest compressions?

Did you do mouth to cook? How long did you do chest compressions for? Well, about five minutes. Wow. And then the paramedics arrived? Yeah. Canadian paramedics? Yeah. They were like real wacky. Yeah. And then, then, then, then, then, then, then. Just to chest compressions on his belly button. Sure. Sure, about a shit about a horseback. I'm sorry. We lost them. We lost them. I'm sorry.

Oh my goodness. How long ago is this? Two years next month. Damn. Yeah. Did you get this? This is because it sounds insensitive.

When you're doing the chest compression, was there a second? Where's I just kind of

just did that move thing? We thought you would save them, and then realized. No. No, no. How was it? Sorry, Ari.

“Do you have to wear two scarfs? Good question. Great question. Do you have to wear”

two scarfs on those cold, canadian days? I'm anti-scarf, anti-turled neck. Those two products have discriminated against my neck size. Wow. I mean, I mean, I don't think so. I really thought I like your vibe. Appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm nothing mean to say to you. Yeah. You have a good energy, Chris. You're a good guy. I'm sorry that I didn't hear you say that you're Greek. Here's a big joke, but we'll keep it moving along. There you go. Chris, thank you for

asking, everybody. Oh, this is an interesting name that got pulled out of the bucket. This guy is a very compelling character in the history of Kelpton. I think he's been on twice before. Very much accused of stealing the style of a Mitch Headbird and, um, but, you know, it's kind of a bizarre situation because yes, but he's also kind of like that, but also not what kind of is. But it is a really great joke writer. I will say that. So let's see what he does tonight.

Make some noise for the return of Keegan Car Michael everybody. Hey, a guy stole my wallet. He's like, "Hi, hi, I have your wallet." I was like, "Hi, hi, you have 8k of credit card debt." Let's start paying it back, you bum. Hey, you get cheese on a burrito. It's free.

I can't afford a bilingual burrito.

Just make it in a language that's cost effective. My sister is vegan. On Thanksgiving, she eats alone. I saw a sign is said, in case of fire, you stairs, but for that, let's use water. Keegan Car Michael. Look like Mitch, sounds like Mitch, writes like Mitch, but I mean, Mitch ain't alive, and here you are. Mitch is dead, and here you are. So if it's the ghost of Mitch,

I'll fucking take it. People will complain about it, but God damn it, you're doing it, and that's crazy.

“But I think you should just go buy the ghost of Mitch at burrito, but I don't know what”

why I know. The whole thing's very compelling to me, because you are your own person and you do sound and look like that, right? So these are not Mitch headberg jokes. Not ones that he did. I don't believe, right? No, but it is in the style, and he looks like that, and he sounds like that. It's very bizarre. I think I was here your first time, and I think last time we were like,

I've never heard of Mitch headberg. No, I actually never said that, but then the internet just ran

with it. So whatever. Yeah, that's exactly what Mitch headberg would say. I will tell you that my favorite part of that is when you do that case, so in cheese joke, Michael Gonzalez just goes, you do that case when cheese joke and Peyton almost came. It is an anomaly. You find these, you find these great premises, I mean the credit card debt, you know, whatever, that's kind of a kind of, but you're warming up there, you're just starting,

but other than that, everything after that, very funny, very interesting angles and premises.

You have a real knack for it. How much time that am I own genuine curiosity, do you think you have

of jokes like that all put together if you had to do the longest set possible? Oh, I've done an hour. But yeah, wow. I have, I have 1500 jokes, but I had in a Piffney two nights ago, so I got to rewrite them all. Yeah. Take us through this epiphany. Take us through it's step-by-step. What happened exactly? I was hot. Yeah. We know that. There's no doubt about that.

“We knew that part, Keegan. Where were you? How does it happen? What did you think? What was the epiphany?”

Oh, I can't give that away. I can't give that away. Come on. Yeah, you can. Come on. You're on the show. Come on. I've just watched the question. South Park and Jordan Peel. Okay. Okay, do we elaborate? Yeah. Can you give us some more? The ghost pivot. Okay, can you keep going? Absolutely not. I got to, I have to get the ghost pivot. Okay. Let's check in with Peyton. I'd like to return to this free case

show idea you were talking about. How exactly does this work? You got to tell them they ask you if you want a case, so you just say, I don't need the translation. Yeah. I will try that. It is interesting. Right? They have enough and they have the stopped off thing. They have the cheese. The melted cheese is case. So case-host extra cheese isn't the cheese even melts if you put

“it in the thing. What do you think about it? But how much is it if I add for mosh?”

That's a lot more. I think you're very funny, dude. I know that the Mitch Headberg thing. I can tell it kind of bothers you. The people compare you to Mitch Headberg so much. So yeah, I mean, I get it. Have you thought about maybe moving away from it and working on trying the different shoots? Just have a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit. I'm almost going to say, dude, your set was fucking brilliant. Really, really, really smart jokes.

I'm just trying to shit shower and shave, dude. Yeah. Somehow he missed all three today. I don't know. Hey, nerdy. Talonians, the future. As long as that heart holds up, he's going to be... You know what, Tony? You are again. I like it when you say it. You should call your new tour the 2026 and then we'll see tour.

Hey, guys, lay off!

So, Keegan, I do find it so compelling that I am going to get back into this line of questioning

that I'd imagine you hate. But again, it's so interesting. And people, you know, maybe I'm playing doubles advocate here. But have you thought because of what everyone will think every time they see you, of maybe let's just say cutting your hair and changing your delivery or something like that? Have

“you thought about it? What, can you take us through the process of being exactly like Mitch Edwards?”

Are you said delivery impedance about to come again? Yeah. Nobody with nice hair ever tells me to cut it. Okay, sure, but seriously, seriously, Keegan, back to the question. I hear you. That's a good answer. But I'm not saying to cut it. I'm saying, have you thought about getting away from the Mitchhead bird thing? Oh, I just like to write jokes, man. I try that joke. Try one of those jokes in a like a different style.

Yeah, through the end, we're in there. I can't do that translation. Tell me, he's a funny guy. And you're right, Tony. I've seen interviews with you where you don't act as Mitchie, you act kind of more normal. So it's kind of weird to me that you don't understand that it would be way better for your career if you do that. Why would I do something that makes

people stop talking about me? Oh, interesting. Wow. Okay. I like this. That's why I said for the end word in there. Yeah. I'm trying to help you. All right. Well, Keegan, I got to tell you great jokes, man. You are your own kind of thing, even though you're exactly like something else, but you are your own thing. It is something else. There's just no way to describe it. And if I just hated on it all the time, that would just be

annoying, it would be dismissive of the fact that you have great premises and great jokes and a

“whole thing going on for you, Keegan. I would like to have you on this secret show if you want to”

look at that. What it turned around? Yeah, there you go. Thank you. There you go, it's Keegan Carmichael. True. He was too come true. This podcast is sponsored by Zipper Cooter. You know, I hired someone recently who was not only qualified, but also genuinely interested in the open role. And that really influenced my decision to hire them. They were eager to learn more about the job and their excitement about the role made them stand out. If you're hiring,

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support the show. That's right. Go get Superpower. All right. We're going to keep moving along. We're up at the fun here tonight. You guys have fun? I'm having fun. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Adam Malay. Everyone, Adam Malay. I'm born in 2001. It was a great year for me. Not so great for a low-roman hat, and I'd go up in school. We had a kid whose birthday was

on the actual 9/11, 2001. So every year we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day and the class would get real quiet. Then the teacher would break in. Boys and girls on this day,

“we must remember that franchise goes mom brought cupcakes. Oh my gosh, those chocolate frosted”

because this is a day I will never forget. We actually had a twin in the class, too,

Francesca. The teacher would tell us boys and girls I just got word from the office. That a second tray of cupcakes. I said our classroom. A second tray of cupcakes. I said our classroom. It's really crazy because there was another 9/11 birthday in our school across the hall from us. There was another 9/11 birthday. A third tray of cupcakes. It's over there. Really crazy is that classroom? Oh my god, go ahead. Now I want to hear the end of the

go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. That classroom was Pentagon shaped and there was supposed to be a fourth tray, but that one fell in the hallway on the way to the class. Okay, there you go. Adam Malay, everybody. An entire minute 15 seconds about the greatest tragedy in American history, everybody. We thought it was Francesca's mom that brought him those cupcakes, but it wasn't. It was the Jews.

“It was the Jews. It was the Jews. It was the Jews. On the original 9/11, that's how we also celebrate”

it. We had cupcakes ready. How do they have the cupcakes ready? Check it with paint, ready down. No gelatin. Is it just me? Does this guy not look and sound exactly like Mitch headberg to you? Am I tweaking over here? He looks a little. I got heroin in the back too if you want. I love it. Yeah. Adam Malay, why does it sound like you have the other guys Adams Apple stuck in your throat? You have a little RFK junior to you. What's up with your delivery?

I've never felt too RFK, you know? Really? No one's ever brought this to your attention before.

Someone told me I sound a little like Mcloven, but I've never heard RFK before. Am I the only one hearing the fact that he sounds like you got it though?

“It's a little raspy today, sorry about that. You under the weather, something?”

No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. Yeah, you clocked me as Jewish, so good job there. Are you Jewish? I am. I saw right away. What did I say to you? He did. He walked out and already leaned over he goes, "Yeah, he's one of mine." Yeah, I flew over the team. Yeah, probably. All right. Okay, Adam. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Where are you from New York? Right. I took the train here actually. Okay. Very, very. It took three

days, two nights to get here. I took Amtrak, you know, in Japan they got high speed rail. I feel like in America we have the opposite and I feel like they try to like make the train slower on purpose. You know, the conductor's, they take smoke breaks, that stations they like. You're turning more on the RFK as we speak. Have you guys ever taken the Amtrak? I mean, what is with those things? Again, for 20 boys. Oh, brakes are too long. I'm going to go to the snack cart. I'll be right back.

Adam, what do you do for a living? Uh, right now. Well, I used to do financial consulting, but no way. You, a Jew in New York finances? Come on. No. On the train? No. No, no. I actually started the open-mic website in New York called comedic. I have stickers for you guys, if you'd like? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Are he going to resell the stickers? You fucking tease. I'm sorry. Wait, what do I, I got something

on it? Okay, relax. Oh, I don't want to talk about your fucking gay stickers. Let's keep it on the, oh, I got a Kiwi. Wow. It's there. It blew up. It didn't check the hoodie pocket. That's the one pocket they didn't put it away. I'm the only fruit on this stage. Let's go. There you go. I can do it to myself. You guys eat it up. Fucking homos. All right. Adam, tell us more about your life. Tell us something interesting about you that would surprise us. Yeah. I mean, I do stand up all over New York. I have a weekly

show on Brooklyn. I started the open-mic website. Again, you already said that. Okay. They're so fucking annoying. You just keep saying that you keep, you just open, no one gives a fuck about an open-mic website in New York. That's fair. Can you say anything other than an open-mic website

“in New York? Yeah. I'm about to have my 69th body party. What? My 69th body party? What is that?”

To celebrate my 69th body? Can you explain that more? Yeah, you're talking to me. You've had sex with 69 men. I don't know. No other way. No, but, yeah, 69th body party. I'm very excited. Gonna be at the Brooklyn Art House in May 23rd. You guys are all invited. Come by. Are you for real? Yeah. You're celebrating almost 70 people you've had sex with? Yeah. I'm at 70 now, but yeah. Okay. All right. If you've seen it, then we're going to show up. So it's going to be nice.

Okay. Wow. So Adam, tell us about that. What are your tricks to how do you trick these women? I mean, I'm very enthusiastic positive person and I listen sometimes. I swallowed a diamond ring earlier. Are you thinking you get it out for me? Are you? I'm just looking at your eyes. Are you part Asian or part nude? No. No. No. No. No. People say I look like a young Mark Zuckerberg or like a Gen Z Elon Musk. But then yeah, other people think I just looked like a bisexual

“equation. So, um, I don't know what that's. I think you look like Mitch Headberg. I think.”

You got the bird part, right? That's for you. Yeah. Yeah. Take that. Okay. Adam,

believe from New York. Have you ever seen Adam before? You're a big deal. I've never seen him and

I hope I never do again. The last time I'll ever hear this name. No, you're you're funny, dude. You're going to tell you got chops. You're a funny dude. I really can't believe that 70 women have like you say 24 years old. 24. Yeah. First of all, I wouldn't let you near my finances. You're a child. Second of all, I can't believe that in just 24 years, you've been able to bed 70 women. That's crazy. I have a question. I have a financial question. Yeah. How much is this

70 pack of GHB costs? It's what GHB was for his act, but I don't know. It's what you put inside of the Kiwi that you keep inside of your pocket. That'll be cute. Yeah. Can I trade you a Kiwi for the joke book? No, I don't want your fucking Kiwi. No. Here's the joke book. There you go. There he goes. Adam Malay of everyone. They should. I'm going to keep it moving here. Bye. There he goes. Adam Malay. There he goes. All right. A little fist bump from the fellow

Jew. There it is. When they see each other out in the wild, I want one more time to bowl uply tidy. Everybody. Clearing, staging, the room of all those chewy 9/11 jokes we just heard. All right. This looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for your next bucket bowl. It's royal oats. Royal oats. Yeah. I don't know if you could tell about looking at me in the cleavage then I'm showing right now.

But it's a lot of muscle up under here, right? And you know the first thing they say about people when they got muscles, right? They're on steroids. And I don't have a problem with steroids because

“steroids is cool, right? I have a problem with what they say about people on steroids, right?”

Like this one strict child to come at me and she was like, I know you're dictating struggled up to this small because all the steroids you use. And I had to correct her, right? I was like, first of all, bitch. It's not your dict they say. It's your boss, right?

And I've never had sex with a woman when she could. I've never had sex with a woman and she

can't want to fall with her home girl the next day. And she's like, oh, hello, she's like, hello, she's like, hey, bitch, what you doing? What you doing? Nothing. Did you fuck wrong? She said,

bitch, he has small balls, right? I'm talking about balls all small, good. I went to Vegas and shot dice with the motherfuckers, okay? Right? She said, here on L. B. All right, it was for more of their royal clothes. Then we finish it. I'll let you finish it. All right. I'm sorry royal. Sorry royal out. You giant black man, finish the joke. Then we finish it. She said here I L. B in a freaky bitch trying to get tea bag and this nigga brought salt and pepper packages. That's

the end. Okay, there you go, royal. Hell yeah, welcome, welcome. Where's it? I love it. First of all,

congratulations on beating Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Second of all, how long have you been to in stand up? I've been doing it for 10 years, man. Where at Atlanta or Florida? I'm from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oh, wow, I would not. Yeah, I'm only nigga there. Hell, how's it going to say? You see him now. Exactly what I was going to say. Yeah, I was going to use those exact words. You go head, tell me whatever you want. I want to tell another joke. You know what? I'm going to let you do it.

Spotlight. Give him the spot, you know. We have to go through a spotlight. Listen, white people.

I love holidays, man. I really do. My favorite holiday would have to be no down Saint

Patty's day. You get to run around wearing green, pinching people in the ass and saying Irish shit. Like calling me Gregor, calling me Gregor. You know, look image arms. I don't know

“fucking racist, right? My second favorite holiday would have to be no doubt. Single to my yo, right?”

This one Mexican's get together, sale cocaine and kill each other. Trust me, I think four seasons of the narcos. I know exactly how this shit works. The problem I have with holidays is black people don't have any cool holidays, right? You know, when you think about black holidays, what do we have? Martin Luther King Day. And what is Martin Luther King Day? A bunch of niggas running around the cold with sweaters on one more Luther King face on it. Y'all white people don't even

show up for that shit, right? And then our other holidays join team. Like my man, if I were to ask you what join team, what would you say? Niggas that's the day they free the slaves. All you know is the bank is close, okay? So I have a suggestion, right? I have a tattoo for suggestions to holiday

“that I think that black people would love, okay? Right? Let me sew y'all right now.”

O Day Day, right? It's just not fucking killed, Tony, or what? Oh, shit. Could you imagine that shit? Niggas running around with knives skirt, white bitches have to dab. I'm here, killed, Tony. All right, you're here. You're here. I got a lot of notes. I don't think it's okay to pinch people on the ass on St. Patty Sam, pretty sure you're committed. I think that's the rule, ain't it? Where do I should be? Can you piece someone to have them have green all? That's the

fucking rule. That's the thing. You just pinch them. Can I have my wallet back? Roy, please don't take anything out of the wallet, please. I think I got no money in there, it's tied up. It's a fake robbery. It's in saving. He's fully invested in supporting his two wall. All right, Roy, you just interrupt whatever you want, perfect. Look, people attack it up. Yes,

“okay. All right, Roy, if I gave you $200, would you be willing to fuck my girlfriend in front of me?”

Yes, long as I can open for you the next night. Yeah, you can, you can, you can have one of the show to

here on it. Oh, for you, Roy, loads. This is amazing. So let's talk about the O. J. Tattoo.

Yeah, is that really, go there, too. This is the knife, the Bronco, I'm broken all together. Oh, look at the glove. He really does have the glove, the Bronco. I don't know if you're in on that. I don't know if that camera one can zoom or what we can possibly do, but it might be truly the most diabolical tattoo I've ever seen in my 41 years on planet Earth.

sure you work hard at it. Trust me, I know I stare at black. He must be like, "Man, all day."

“You don't hear. I'm not here. If you're wondering what I'm doing. You come kiss, O. J. Huh?”

Tony kiss, O. J. Okay, Roy, all the time. The first time kiss in a black guy, right? Shut up, fuck out. I'm taking back over here. How long have you been doing stand-up? 10 years. 10 years. What do you do for work, exactly? I'm mostly trying to post my dick on only fans. I hope a bunch of gay dudes subscribe. Uh-huh. But how do you make money? I do Uber. I do Uber. Okay. Yeah. Do you ever thought about combining those two things?

Uber. Oh, no. I like that. You say you do Uber, but from the looks of you, it looks like you do with. Yeah, I love the live, man. Very good. I love the live. Positive positive job. I want to take out again. There you go. All right. So you do Uber and Uber eats? Do you do all the ubers? Just Uber. I don't really care. What kind of card do you have? What are you picking people up and I got it? I got one of those electronic lovers. I was going to guess you're a piggyback

Uber driver. Yeah. There are different types. You wear it. Have you said you order a Uber and they give you a piggyback ride? Okay, Doki. You know what they say, Tony, is the joke doesn't hit you most to quit. That's true. I didn't. I had a wallet. I'll give it to you for that one. All right.

Royal oats. An incredible, you took a real stab at it here tonight. What else would surprise us

“about your life for oil? Everything about my life is crazy. What kind of women are you into?”

How big of white women are you into, exactly? Size depends on the woman, you know? If we put a wig on Peyton right now, how hard? I can get a bad bitch. I just get a bad bitch. I got a little love left with me. Right. But what do you settle for? It's what I want to know. I don't know man. It's the pin of wood. What time of night it is? That's right. You know? I like that. Hell yeah. If I want critique. It's just like the premise of the, of the, of the,

having small balls is bad. I didn't care for it. I think having small balls is some of the most

powerful things you can have. Was you ready to suck big ones? No, but I'd rather have big ones. And

or is huge balls. Big balls don't get away with big big. Crazy balls. It sounds like extra work for one. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but enough talk about balls and dick up here. How many times have you been pulled over in Tulsa, Oklahoma? Oh my god, 183 times. When they pull you over to the go, I thought we got them all. Yeah, there's 10 to two. It's actually you handing the cups, your license and drive. Does it really happen a lot? No. Does it really happen a lot? You get

pulled over a lot and Tulsa. Not as much as I used to when I was younger. Right. We go. Yeah, have you been arrested before? Of course. For what? Well, at one point in my life, I was doing life without imprisonment. Well, tell us more about this. So I got life without for drug trafficking, case in the police in there being like a dirty cop. So the shit in I'm going back to trial and then you know, giving me a plea deal that I took and I was able to get out of prison again.

Did you really commit the crime? Yeah, I was definitely selling the deal. That'd be, they got me there. That looks good. Dude, life without, well, life without parole. That was some crazy drill. They offered me life and they was like, either you take the life and do life 15 years or we'd take it to trial. Like, you know, like if I'm going to waste 15 years, I might as well just take it to trial and it worked out and it might be half my taking it.

Yeah, you stole the O.J. trial. He was like, I got this. They're going to be on my side. Check him with our issue. You know, you're in the criminal justice and when you shorten it to life without, yeah.

Straight up. I'm going to be here. Yeah. I was meant to be here, man. Amazing. So when you how long were

you in there when you got worried that the prosecutor was dirty? I knew I'm not the prosecutor.

“And there'll be, it was a 30 cop. Sure. Oh, that's what I'm sure. So I do all the time to use a 30 cop. But it was like three”

years before they actually took him to trial. Oh, amazing. Peyton, ready. Why man? Great, dude. I got to be. Great. I had nothing on that one. We're going to look. I mean, the set was just okay, but I love your interview. You posted that or some things. You want to do more? So I'm just kidding. I'm not giving you

I had a fight at a comedy show where I have to do it again. I ended up in the dude with a microphone.

“Oh, shit. Yeah, like it was like really crazy, man. Big fight. Wow. You hit a comic with a microphone.”

No, I hit a fan. I hit like a crowd guy. He came up to the state. What exactly? You can make it up. It's like that. But we're not going to look at it right now. What can describe it? You have a microphone. You're a professional. I had a microphone and I'm telling jokes, right? And I hear a guy booing, right? So I look at the, I look out on the stage, like, okay, well, you're booing. I can roast, right? So, when I look at him, I'm like, oh, you look like Jai Hind, 2001.

Put that one in first outfit, all right? So I'm thinking he's going to come back with another roast. He was like, nigga, you gay. And I was like, sucks. Doesn't it? We're not going to happen. It's a loophole in the system. And I'm saying, that happens to you, too. Dude, it do. You know what, you and I should have dinner and talk about bits of this. Get out of your Royal Oak. Great appearance, great interview. Great tattoo. We love his tattoo. It's a great tattoo.

Very funny. All right. This is a fucking hoot nanny of a show. I love it. Oh, my goodness gracious. Every time Heidi leans over our RE, he gets a full two and a half inches erect. He's set up a batch. You know I did though. You know I did though. All right. One word name. Your next fucking

pull our first one word name of the night. Always interesting. These one word names.

Thanks for the noise. First search and everybody's third chance. So my name is surgeon. I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but my parents are brown immigrants. And my mom, she wanted me to be a doctor so bad. She named me surgeon. It's fucked up. I know so much pressure. Imagine being named after a job. But my name is kind of cool. My siblings. They got it so much worse. My older brother. His name is

engineer. Yeah, and he grew up to be an engineer because he's a suck up. When my little sister, she has the worst name. I feel so bad for her. They didn't really believe in her that much. So they named her abortion. Just to get a real forsaken. I don't know if you guys are still doing your

new year's resolution. But as of today, I'm officially four months sober. Thank you. Thank you.

It's been four months since I last said the n-word. Yeah, staying strong and staying strong. And for my last joke, I need you guys to play along with me. You know how this goes. Not rock. My cat. Leo. Oh, I was hoping I was out of minute, but I wouldn't get it. I spent through it. I spent through it. Oh, there you go. You were close. Those are real.

“I mean, checking with Peyton ready. That's okay. I think that was a mid-chead break joke anyway.”

There you go. I can't believe you. He was in my career. Difference between, like, Royal Outsu's, like, a real man and how much he came through the microphone. And every other comic I was like, yeah, can four months since you said the n-word. But be honest, when Royal Outsu just walked off by you with his jacket completely unzipped, you definitely thought about it. After you walked away. Right. Yeah. Exactly. You don't want to

read in your mind. Yeah. Yeah. I'm staying sober. Yeah. Surgeon. How much time did you prepare your eyebrows for tonight? 25 years. Is that how old you are? Yes, or 25. How long you've been on stand up? Two and a half years. Where at? Adalis. That's where you live. That's where you were born and raised. I was born in Nepal, but I came to America on a six year old. Well, that set was in the Pauling. Howdy. Damn. Sorry. I thought it was good. I thought it was good. I thought something

would like it. I'm sorry. And so I also do, if that cat thing hit, it would have been a standing fucking over the issue didn't hear. That would have been the most brilliant moment in

“kiltony history, but it was the most staring at you. How are you planning on timing that?”

Guessing what 60 full seconds is what you're talking. That's a lunatic move. There's no way you've got that. I've done it many times to comedy clubs and Dallas. There's a hundred videos on my phone exactly a minute. I think I thought you said. I may have a cat sound if there's comedy club. I do it. You've practiced that 100. And after 90 times hit your phone, you're like, "I need more videos." I have to tear my storage so I can just keep recording by

you. Wow. Ragger. I love how you were like, "All right." I love how you were like, "All right, how can I land this plane?" A knock-knock joke. It's one of the most traditional forms of jokes and I love jokes. Yeah, we have got 1932, maybe. You be flaming us a knock-knock joke right now? Well, that's one of the

set? Okay, across the road to get to his cat, Leo. Do you really have a cat name Leo? I do. It's a surgeon. What type of brown are you exactly? I'm from Nepal. So you are Nepalese, both parents are both parents. What made them move to Dallas? So we got the diversity lottery shot to my mom. The diversity lottery? Yeah. Wow. They were white until then. So, so it's like a power ball or something? I think it was Reagan or Carter. They had this

policy where 50,000 people from around the world in Nepal was selected around that time. Talks lower and into the tip of the microphone. Sorry. They had a thing, one of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, yeah, I need to walk his phone on over there. So I fell right now. Yes. Okay. My, my mom won the lottery in 2006 when there was civil war happening in Nepal. And then luckily I was from a village literally grew up like taking a shower

at the same river and then my grandfather did and taking a shower in the same river. Like as kids, we had like a little like pump pump thingy, but we, we didn't have a jump in. I mean, it was like for fun and stuff as a kid. Oh, yes. Yeah. Thank you, Ari. Yes. Welcome back. Very rare for a Jew to help a brown guy in any way. That's it. My favorite Jew. That's right.

Thanks, sir, John. Go ahead. See, we're showering in a river with a water pump. This is incredible.

“So that's how, by the way, that's how Peyton gets us butter on his toasts in the morning. All right.”

That sucked. Hey, why did that chicken cross the road to get into your rotisserie? You are about, you're falling from now. Let's get the sex. You ruined my setup. Sir, John, go ahead. So yeah, I was born in a village, like literally in Gitanova village and then I came to America on six years old. I brought a car and a plane within the first time, within the same week. Right. I came to America and Dallas, Texas. I lived in Irving and then I lived in Ulus.

I mean, my first job was water burger. I feel like I'm a Texan, even though I'm an immigrant, right? I feel like America, like immigrant is land of immigrants and I feel like I'm very Texan, even though I was born. This audience hates this. They're like, "Fuck you, dude." And I am like building momentum or building momentum or building what Ulus refuses to let anything build. These from the Legion of Skanks, where they interrupt each other every five seconds for no fucking reason.

Can't take my jacket. Doesn't make any sense. Can't take my jacket. You want to take your jacket? What are you going to sweat? What do you sweat? No, I don't sweat. I actually, I don't know. Tell me you have an OJ tattoo.

Do you have an OJ tattoo? No, no, no, no, no. I just got a 9/11 tattoo. 100 percent.

Okay, go ahead. Whatever you're doing, go ahead. The arms are less hairy than anybody would have expected. My chip. They, I have to hear all my chest. Oh, there it is. Yeah. She's fucking on Christ. Wait, now that you got the jacket off, you feeling yourself a bit. Do the knock knock choke again.

Good eye? You're really good eye. Yeah, I just don't make out. I'll be cut this. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, John.

“So you said your first job was what a burger. What exactly is your job now?”

Um, I work as a solutions architect for an IT company. So I just help find customers, find problems to technical, like find solutions, technical problems. Yes. Are you sure, fear? That's such a build-up from water burger to that. I mean, this is why people have a lot of jobs. Like, I always work. I grew up, um, like, you know, wanting money.

So I always worked and, um, I started my way up and, you know, um, I mean, hopefully one day, I can be a worker. I can work here. Where exactly? Like, right? You want to fix the neons or something? What are you pointing out? I can find a solution for that, too. If you need, but I want to be on this stage.

I've never done comedy in front of this many people. It's amazing.

Good for you, do that for all. One, two, three, and I was, I came today. I, um, I signed up. This is my 15th time signing up. Yeah. I signed up once a month, uh, every month last year. And then I kind of like stopped coming this year, but it was 420 on a Monday. I was like, my driver license has a 420 on it. I got to come. I got what has a 420 on it.

My driver license has a 4 starts with 420 and ends with 69.

“So I think I'm born to be a comedian. I swear to God, I'll bring it out. I swear to all my”

Hindu gods. I'll bring it out. Yeah. I like your style, man. You're so genuine and you're kind of like a sweet boy. It's incredible. Yeah, I right. It's like, you know, I'm just happy to have the opportunity. I started out of a water burger, work my way up. I took a car in a train or whatever to get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like, you told you if he's brown, but had no confidence.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Search on, what's your love lifelike? Um, I've been to your parents only allow you to date in a police girl. They did. It's a group in promise too. They thought they thought they wanted that. And then I mean, I started dating as a girl in high

Wow. So we've been still together in my parents' lover, more than me, probably.

It's a white girl. No, she's Indian. So I just, I just went south of the border. I was like, close enough. That's as close as it'll get. Yeah. I've been Dallas. Yeah. I mean, it probably girls are probably all my cousins anyways. I was like, let me get a little bit less incest going, you know? Yeah. I mean, I want to know what that sex smells like. It smells great. I'm about lies in Indian sex. Oh my god. I can't even imagine.

“If you want to join us like, yeah. Now, what are your, what are your good job, Red Man? Very good.”

That was good. That is correct. What are your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy? Um, they were iffy about it. And they were like, I mean, like, you have like a good job. Why are you going out Wednesday at 10 p.m. to go to doing open mic? But, um, I mean, they support it. They think it's like a, they don't really understand what it is. And they don't understand like what I really want. Like, like, like, like this dream that I have,

but one day they'll understand. And I'll show them. Put in the beginning. It was rough. And now you're even still today. My mom's like, why are you driving through? I live in Dallas. I drove here. So why are you driving in the rain? But I mean, now she's going to see in three weeks. I'm going to be on kills on you. She's going to see you're so deep into it. So deep is also the name of your brother. My brother's name is Norgean. My brother's name is Norgean. I'm sorry,

Norgean in your surgeon. Norgean. What is your mom, doctor? She's. He actually here's a doctor. Yeah, it's one fish, two fish, brown fish, you know. I love this. Uh, Surgeon, keep doing the work man, work hard. Dallas has a lot of places you can get up, go to all the clubs, keep working. Do it. Taste your dreams,

“but yep. There you go. How do you want to go? There you go. How do you want to go?”

There's such a positive guy. Yeah, he really is job, especially for one of the brown people. You know what I mean? It's like the nicest terrace we've ever had on the show. Speaking of immigrants that are living their dreams, this guy want a golden ticket a couple months ago. He is very money. And we're going to see him right now. Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the return, the third ever appearance I do believe of orhoon to more everybody.

This comedy bit is going to lose his potency after a black guy, but I love fat girls so much. I fucking love them. And you guys are looking at me like, is it the blowjob? No. It's the love. I'm 33 years old. I am fine being the pretty girl in the relationship. At this point. Like, I, nothing. Well, actually, I've dated someone who, whose boyfriend before me killed himself, that's the best. Okay. I'm not saying go find a girl and depressor,

boyfriend. I'm saying if you did it would be worth the time. It's fine. Because dude, every time you're sad, you get a blowjob. So you don't kill yourself. And it's like not normal blowjob. Like normal blowjob, you finish and then it's ends. This one, like, if you come, you're like, I'm done. She's like, I'm not. She does it till sadness comes out effervescently. And that works with blowjob. What do we blowjob? Come comes out, then sadness, then blood. If you keep going,

so you've got to stop, you've got to stop between sadness and blood. But after all this dangerous,

“'cause it's like every time you're horny, you get sad. Like, how low's dick over there?”

Okay, you guys don't really do it on the whole pile of us, but, uh, good. I should have ended right before. Or again. Tomorrow, it's sad. Welcome, Orhan. Good to be back. Good to have you here. And you are originally from Turkey, correct? Yes. Are you sure? What's your analysis of Turkey? I think that's the, the, the life story of Turkey, if they had to do a movie about Turkey, it should be called between sadness and blood. All sadness and blood are not present there together.

How did I know you were going to knock out of the park? It is incredible. Orhan,

welcome back. What's been going on in life? Oh, uh, you know, heart breaks, uh, good sets, uh, you know, my car got vandalized in Houston. Tell us about that. I rented a car and I got the cheapest insurance because I was trying to save $17.84. And, uh, somebody vandalized my car,

That does happen in Houston. Oh, a lot. Did this man happen to have an O.J. Simpson tattoo on his,

it's coming? I'm from Turkey, so O.J. Simpson is not evil there. When you tell a woman in Turkey, hey, O.J. Simpson, they said, "Yeah, well, why was she cheating?" So, it's not as potent, but I appreciate your effort. What type of vandalizing did they do to your

“car? Uh, they, uh, I think took a big stick that would appoint the end to the hood. And, uh, yeah,”

and they scratched it like they made it so because I was going to go to a Mexican guy to get it fixed, but it was unmexiconable, like it was too, too much. It's funny because in Los Angeles, I don't know you won't do this, but in Los Angeles, if you've got to debt in your car, you go to an Armenian guy, and I know. Oh, I'll go to an Armenian guy, guys. Did the guy say, "I'm Mexican to fix this." Uh, no, that's he just, he said stuff that, uh, was, I don't even know,

just Spanish shit. Amazing. Uh, so he couldn't fix it, but you tried. Yeah, yeah, he was also a

comic-y, he can't but these people. For sure. Those people. Yeah, comics. That is. Let's get back to this insurance. It didn't cover it. Our senior insurance correspondent, Ari Schifier. Yeah, so you got insurance, but it covered everything, but vandalism? No, no, no, it actually didn't cover anything. So basically, the ductible was $3,000. Why are you making me talk about insurance? Uh, but okay, you're laughing or I could all do it. So there's a $3,000 deductible, if I paid

$17.84, it would have been $500 deductible. Yeah, are you happy you asked? Is this a comedy corridor?

“You're glad you walked into one of them. That's what I'm talking about, over there is a table”

right now. There you go. How is your set? Do you have a good set? Well, I had great sets. I'm the only person who did like 16 shows in seven days and lost money. How much did this end up costing you? Uh, $1,000 and $0,000 and $0,000 and $0,000 and like $0.60. Right, the censors. By the way, future reference cents don't really matter here. It matters to me. And, and to Ari, by the way, it does. Yeah, that's why I had people survive thousands of years. Those cents we make it come.

Amazing. Orhoon. So fun. What else is going on? I think else crazy we should know about.

Honestly, I used to have a life before this now. It's only comedy which, yeah, walk a life. I don't think we'll fuck about a level, you know? It's what you want. I'll play volleyball after I'm dead, you know? I want to do comedy and this has been great. Absolutely. You're doing a good job or who? Yeah. I'm proud of you. You're living the dream. Thank you. I love validation. So you love what? I love validation. Not your nation. Absolutely. Yes, Sir John's other brother. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not being

ironic by the way. And every now and then, I need to be padded. Yeah, you got it. You're doing good, but you look good. You're killing it. Everything's good. Orhoon to more everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Good stuff for him. We'll be back soon. Use the defending golden ticket winner. So. There you go. With the golden ticket. It's played out. Don't know what it's played. You get to see what? Any time you want? Well, it's kind of any time you want it used to be, but now

there's so many that you kind of leap of fails. And I look at things every week and see how many regulars we have and how many spots there are. And usually you can only squeeze one in based on like a rotation kind of of when the last one was. It's a good question. The most people don't know about. So it's playing you off for your discussion about what? They say wrap it up with music. Yeah,

“it is crazy. That's crazy. That's a crazy thing. I know. The two other questions, I think”

we'll drop them on the very heart. He has no sense of how hard he's hitting the drums over there. There he is. Yeah, he's wacky earpieces, so they can all communicate with each other. Can't hear us. She's treated like a dog. They can be like, does anyone have a blunt toe? Maybe be by her, but he's passed it out. Yeah. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull. Here you go, Michael. You get to play on the drums, everybody. Goes by the name of Stephanie Anne,

everyone. Stephanie Anne. I just got out of a 22 year lesbian relationship. Not with a female with a man who is a real bitch. Let's talk about it. Now men say things to me like, who's pussy is this? I'm like, I think it's mine.

situation. Otherwise, please, everyone give me a dollar tonight to pay off this affirm loan. Okay? I've just lost a ton of weight with gastric sleeve surgery. For those of you who don't know what gastric sleeve is, it's where they surgically alter your stomach to only hold four ounces of food. But like, don't worry, boys, I can still fit eight inches down my throat. Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if y'all got that, but, you know, we got a ruler in the car down the road somewhere.

“I don't know Austin. I'm from Detroit. All right. Anyway, I'm done, I think. All right, cool.”

59 seconds. She had the timing that Surgeon wishes he had. I know that. Amazing.

All right, I put the mic over here. All right. Welcome, welcome, Stephanie Ann. These are first time on the show. Yes, my first time in Austin. I love it. Welcome. When did you get into town? On Saturday morning. Nice. What have you done since you got here? They did a show with a couple of my friends that are comics here and got really high because, you know, for 20. Where did you come from? Detroit. Nice. How long have you been on stand up? I've been doing stand-ups since the

pandemic. I started doing like TikTok videos and then I started doing actual stand-up comedy right

“after everything opened up. When did you lose all the weight? It's been a 13-year journey. I've”

lost 350 pounds. Whoa, that is for those of you wondering, that is a patent-ready worth of weight.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, guess what you lost it, Red Bear found it. Yeah, I also lost the last 50 pounds with the help of Wagovie. Oh, shout out. Yeah, I call her by her name because that bitch has been inside me for months. So, hey, can I just say that should not be the last 50. This should not. No. I'm working hard, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm wrong. I'm gonna go on the art. Yeah. Your diet crack. Okay. Oh, you crackhead. You crackhead

Jew crackhead Jew crackhead Jew crackhead Jew crackhead Jew crackhead Jew crackhead Jew Louis one champ per episode. Check me. I just want to return to this real quick. I'm like 160. I just want to I felt like that kind of got we skimmed over that real quick. Well, I have been crossing my legs as whole. That's because you're an old Jew man. That's kind of I love it. 70 you said you're 45 years old. I'm 45 years old. I feel so bad women age like shit.

All is your fear is 78 years old. Stepany, let's talk about that. Was that true? You were in a 22-year long relationship? Yes, I was married to I'm actually still currently married, but we're separated, but I was married to my husband for 22 years. Black guy, right? Okay. When did wind did the relationship end? It ended when I started comedy during the pandemic. During just slightly after the pandemic, yeah. Right. So what weight were you during the pandemic? What weight was I? All part about 250.

About 250. Yeah. I had lost the first amount of weight beforehand and then had my two kids. I have two

boys. How old are they? My oldest is 12. Going through puberty right now. I just fucking had to take a vacation. And my youngest is 10 and he is level three autistic. Okay. Yeah. So if you need a dead mother,

“isn't it interesting that he and the one that's 10 ended up being autistic? Yeah, that's why we cut that”

shit off right after that. No more babies after that. But I mean, you're also using a bunch of medicine, the lose weight during that. Oh, no, no, no. I haven't even on GLP for the last year. I was just old. Yeah. Right, just old. Yeah. Are you counting your son's weight in the weight that you lost? All right. Son, my son is pretty big for his size. Yes. He's he's about. You lost a bunch of weight and then you're husband then dumped you. My husband then dumped me because I couldn't run away from a many more. Yeah. Yeah. He did.

I use GLP's too. No. I dumped him based. You do it. What kind of GLP's do you use? I use a ginormously large pants. So Stephanie, tell us more about your life. I find you so intriguing. You're taking these jokes

your life. I'm an insurance claims adjuster for like a union insurance. Can you help a guy that rented a car in Houston, Texas? You know, I probably can't because I chose not to run a car just for that fucking reason. I was like, no, thank you. Nothing but trouble. So how did you get you flew obviously from Detroit? Yeah, I flew from Detroit to your on Delta, of course. Yeah, yeah, no. I'm

“a white woman. Come on. I'm not fucking around. I think that's we had to actually fly southwest this”

weekend to Las Vegas. It's the only airline that flies directly from Vegas to Austin and back. So red band and I, if you're wondering, even though I got chokeslammed by the undertaker last night,

my back mostly hurts because of flying southwest this weekend. So that's absolutely incredible,

not kidding, by the way. Stephanie, so you flew Delta, you landed here. You had fun with your how many comedians did you come here with? I just came by myself. I had a little meeting thing I had to do and then came here. So I just spent the whole weekend here. Very cool. Meeting for work? Yeah. You work at Alcoholics and Autonomous? Yeah, no, I'm totally totally amazing. So since you have been broken up with your husband, you've been out dating or you on the sights, what's going on?

“I've dated a couple guys, but honestly, I'm so busy with my kid. I'm kind of like, and you know what,”

people are like, train wreck. You know, so guys don't want to date you. They just want to

fuck you. So how's that going? You know, they don't want to fuck you. They will. You speak for yourself.

What? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, bro. There was this homeless man outside and he was trying to get it. His name is Royale Oats and... Okay. I mean, this guy seems to like, man, I think he's blind though. Dude, she's like 120 and spilt. Yeah. Totally. He'll feel it. You can't trip demagrant by the way. This guy reads that and looking at him, laughing, like, tell him, don't eat my little bugger. Tell these two eyes, stupid. She's a Persian princess. He will wrap his hands around that and be like,

what the fuck is this? 120. I'm a Hungarian gypsy, not a Persian princess. Oh my goodness. You were a Hungry Hungarian? Yes. Yes. Hungry Hungary. Oh yeah. Love it. No, Stephanie, you're great. Uh, what's the longest set you've ever done? Um, I did do a 40 minute set once. It was a train, right? Okay. Yeah. Um, I was not ready, but I usually do about 10, 15 minute sets here and there and Detroit, so... How long you in town for? Um, just until tomorrow. Actually, I stayed for this.

There you go. Yeah. Got lucky. Yep, did totally. Got lucky. Well, Stephanie, very fun. I love your style. I love your energy, congratulations. You did it, Stephanie, and everybody. We're having fun tonight. I like this set, but so... I love a band joe. Feel free to stay in it here in America with us, please. I noticed I noticed he had a band joe went on the block I was up here. What's that? He had a band joe in the block I was up here.

It's unbelievable. Yeah. The band joe. How about another hand for Winston Marshall, everybody? Could you follow Montescocial Media? Great musician. He's got great cakes on the world and stuff too. A lot of common sense for a musician and for a person. Can I say how? Especially for a musician. I'm like a break in it, but I saw him play with Big J. Ogreson. Yeah. I bought a row, like, I don't know, 10 years ago. Oh, good to go. You guys fucking destroyed.

Yeah. We all went, like, oh, let's check it out. And then we're converted in eight minutes. Yeah.

Amazing. Make some noise to your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Adam, back, Ariola.

“I recently met a girl with herpes and, well, I think I'm in love. I mean, what are the odds?”

The first woman I talked to in months has aftermarket parts. It was kind of a surreal moment for me, you know, talking to a woman, but I really think she could be the one. I mean, think about if I'm ever losing an argument, I can just pull the herpes card. Oh, sorry if you couldn't have afford groceries this month, honey. Maybe if you didn't ruin my life by getting pregnant. Oh, any of herpes, bitch. But, you know, I'm really considering getting herpes. Think about it.

There's so many beautiful women out there with herpes that no one wants to have sex with. Well, almost no one, sorry, red band, didn't want to go out and include you. And I was like, wow, this is what black men must have felt like when they discovered fat white women. We got a whole category for yourself. Thank you. That was my time.

A lot of things. How are you handling this herpes, girlfriend? Not a girlfriend. She was struggling with it, huh? I got blocked in there. So I got blocked. Yeah, I got blocked. What happened? How did you get blocked? How was that chick with herpes like fuck this idiot? I don't know, man. She started talking to another guy at the bar. I was like, you know what, he can get it. Not me. Yeah. And so I just passed it on.

Well, that sounded bad. That sounded bad. I don't actually have herpes. It's just part of the joke. Whatever. Sure. Um, so Adam, how long have you been on stand up?

Uh, this is like my first real time. So yeah. What does that mean exactly to you? First real time.

What does that mean? Well, I went. So I went to an open life. Okay. Sorry. I went. Now that question will be answered. I'm not going to ask. I listened to your podcast, man. Not cool. Did you rule? Okay. So I went to one open life in Fort Worth. And it was like, I could walk but naked and no one would have seen me. There's no one there. And then so that was a few weeks ago. And I decided to come down to Kiltoni because I had a Monday off the work.

Peyton. Can I give you some pointers? Yes, sir. If you're trying to close

“drug, knock knock jokes are, it's the best way you can end. Yeah. It's one of the most”

class excels of comedy. Yeah. So Adam, here you are, struggling through a set on the biggest show in the industry. Do you regret the decision are you looking forward? Is this something you want to do like for the rest of your life? How old are you? Uh, 23. Okay. So now I answer the question from before. Uh, no, I don't regret it at all. You know, I think failing will make me better. There you go. I like that. I love stand-up. But like long term, I want to be more like a writer. So I figured if I

just get it into stand-up because I want to be a scriptwriter for scripted comedy and I don't really know anyone in the industry. So I figured if I try to stand up hopefully get myself out there. Maybe someone thinks I'm funny. Maybe they'll give me a chance. You know, just get in the writers room. Let me just let me go, man. I feel like you're further away from that goal after this set. You set yourself back years. Just tonight. Yeah. Now the people that would have hired you are

like I will never work with that guy. Okay, well now. But I got to tell you, I personally know

every one of the industry and I could put in a good word for you. And you will put me up with

“somebody with herpes. I think you're very funny. Thank you. And for first time, you were pretty”

confident and you were you were killing it. And I like your honesty and vulnerability talking about your game plan. Most comics come up here and they're like, I don't know. And you had like, all these things, I admire. Completely agree with Peyton. For 23 years old, it's an amazing start. It is kind of always weird to start here. But you're 23 and I have a lot of time ahead of you. This went a good time to start our issue here. Was there any thought before you went on stage today

of not wanting shorts on a 57 degree day? Well, I live in Fort Worth and it was sunny there and like, I don't check the weather. I just, I don't check the weather. I just walk out and I'm like, if I made a bad decision, I'm like, fuck it. I just got a man up. I can't do it. How many comics over there? Dallas today. Like Dallas Fort Worth is like half the line up tonight. See. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry. What was that? Never mind. It was about, it was about you. It was a, it was a,

it's funny. It's your first time doing stand-up in your shirt says not my first rodeo.

“It indeed is your first rodeo. Yeah. So thank you to you, make it. That's what that shirt says.”

Yeah. So Adam, before I let you go, tell us one more crazy thing about your life. You have any special skills or talents other than, uh, well, and any, I think at all. I mean, I could try to trauma dump you know to get some envy, but um, I don't know. What? Do you have a crazy traumatic thing that happened to you? I mean, I, who, who does it? I mean, my mom recently got canceled. How did your mom get canceled? I don't know. It's kind of impressive to get that

done in 2026, but uh, go ahead. So it's kind of an, I'll make a short long story short. So my birthday was February 1st. My grandpas is February 3rd. And I like a tweaker uncle who wanted to play in a birthday for my grandpa. He's like 20 years sober. And the jug still messed up a little bit. So he's like, let's schedule a family gathering, get everyone together for my grandpas birthday. I was like, you know what, my family's a little dysfunctional. I'll fade that and just stay here in Texas

instead of going back home. Where's California. Okay. Go ahead. And then uh, so my mom, the family's all there. And she's like, you know what, screw this. I'll do any normal person. We'll do if a dysfunctional family. I'll go to the bar at 12, I'm a Saturday. You know, get a midday fade in. And then uh, make the long story short. Yes. Sorry. They'll tell you stories like a woman. They do it. We need more detail. They planted these ice protesters right outside the bar.

And then so obviously my mom has that 2pm fade in after the bar, you know, because family

from the bar. Of course, you're going to go talk to them. And she's talking with them. They get a

little bit of arguments. You know, this little pushing and shelving happens. And obviously they're recording it. You're the clip they didn't. Uh huh. Keep going. And uh, they get in a little like argument, a pushing fight, and then uh, they get separated, but they recorded it and send it to

“my mom's work. And uh, they didn't renew her contract at her job. Type prostitutes of contracts?”

Red bin? I don't know. Let me tell you, I have a story telling show myself. So let me let me tweak that for you. Sure, it's called the end available at rshv.com. Tony Henchuk's episode is doing the final story ever done on my show. My mom was talking to his ice protesters. And then all the other stuff.

Yeah. You talked about your relatives. They never came back in this. Yeah.

What the bar, none of that matters. The fact that the birthday is February 1st, 3rd. None of it at anything like that. Yeah. The first and third, I was like, okay, there's going to pay it off. It is his first time. And it's good for him to learn. Mist directs. Central. I like riding. So I just like oversharing, I guess. It was a tweaker uncle. It was a grandpa. It was a whole cast of characters that never reappeared in the story.

Building out. Now, this takes place in a city, I call. You know what that's all like to me though? A future TV writer. He's got characters. He's got an arc. He don't know where he's going with it yet. But at the end of that episode, we will find out why that chicken cross throughout. That is true. Here's a little something for you to start writing. And there's a medium joke book for Adam. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Keep in a movement.

Here we go. There you go. Let's put me in a show for real, put me in a show. You're next bucket pool. Oh, so show with, oh, that's Keegan. This is Keenan. Thanks a lot for Keenan. Well, Mack, everybody. So guys, I'm Keenan. I'm from a military family. I'm very proud of that. My cousin is actually overseas right now. He joined ISIS. Yeah, now he's a viral star. He can find all his stuff on live leak.

I heard a lot of stories about students and teachers having inappropriate relationships

“and I'm not going to lie when I hear that. I get a little bit jealous. You know, I think back,”

now as a handsome guy, why couldn't that have happened for me when I was a teacher? You guys seen crazy rich Asians. Anybody seen that? Yeah, they're making a sequel. It's called Crazy Poor Asians. It's about Filipinos. They're also making a movie about Hunter Biden. It's called White Lines Matter. Yeah, there you go. Keenan, well, Mack, funny jokes. And they're how long you've been

on stand-up Keenan? About three years? We're at. Oh, I just did a show at Shakespeare's next tour on Thursday. It was a lot of fun. No, I mean, like the whole three years here in Austin. Yeah, so I'm sorry. I'm not very good at answering questions. Well, that's, I'm going to go myself. Super smoothly. Yeah, sure. What do you do for work? I'm in sales. What are you selling? Well, if I told you that, am I getting some trouble? No, I'm selling tech.

It sounds cool if you say you're selling drugs, though. It's like that's a lot more interesting.

“You're a funny guy. How old are you? I'm 32. 32. Yeah. What made you start stand-up three years ago?”

Well, so I actually started in high school in Dallas. I started as an 18-year-old and then I got drunk for 12 years and then I stopped drinking and then I started doing stand-up. Wow. So yeah, we started at 22 and I've been drunk ever since. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've actually got five years over the last weekend. So I don't plot too much. I saturday as my cheat day, of course,

but amazing. Can you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us?

Yeah, I can rip a drum set, like no. Are you serious? Are you the dead series? No, thank you. Are you not going to believe me? I'm going to be so pissed if you're fucking with me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You've been playing drums for like since I was 12. No way. Yeah, serious. I've played in more bands and then more shows, music than I do have done stand-up. If only we had a fucking drum set here. And if only we had a running

historical part of the show called a Mexican drum-off. I don't know if you guys know how works. Looks like some people drag their liberal girl friends out with them tonight. So let me explain how this goes. Historically on this show, if a comedian knows how to play the drums, they get to have a drum solo competition with the resident drummer. All time, every resident drummer

become the full-time drummer here on Keltoni. And that Michael Gonzalez would have to go into

tech sales. That's the big twist. They have to trade jobs literally. Tony, I got to give a water warning for the audience here. Yeah, for all the women in here, you're about to gush wet.

“It's simple. I think you know how it works, right, Kenan? Not an app for your table. Apply it now.”

And if you get too wet, remember, just look back at our issue, fear. It's a fucking package. Wait, wait, I've come up with a cute, okay, whatever, go ahead. This is Mexican drum.

All right, pretty good. Pretty good. All the best. Yeah, I would have gone a little crazy,

your playing since 12. I would have really like built up, built it up a little bit, told us story there. Oh, it was just kind of a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app,

“a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app, a bit of an app.”

Hold on, this blonde Bimbo really wants to say something. Let's hear from this, let's hear from Hulk Hogan's X-White for a second. What, what do you think? Oh, hell yeah, this bitch has been pounding Miller lights. There are six empty Miller lights on this table. I love it. She's

wearing a kiltony shirt. The other guy's got a buccas. I never made the connection, the buccas

and buccas are that close. He's probably a brand deal. That sounds like I just told you something the boy for never would. Shut up. All right, ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne. I mean, if the drumsticks break or something amazing, he could lose this thing. This is Michael Gonzalez. . Mad, that was the close one. Well, the craziest part of this competition

historically is that the audience decides. Make some noise if you have Keenan Womack winning that competition. Go that guy out. Whoever the buccas, most outrageous. Throw him out. And how many of you have Michael Gonzalez went there? There you go. But Keenan good news. You're a very funny man. So you leave him with a big joke. Book, you got that. There goes Keenan Womack. Everybody, funny man. All right, we're keeping him

moving along here. We're going to, we're going to go a little, a little long tonight. Is that all right with you guys? All right. You're next bucket pool. Very interesting name. This should be interesting. They're definitely covering up the real identity. So we'll see what happens here. Make some noise for P-H-X-9-8 everybody. Here we go. Hey Tony. I heard you were gay, Tony. No GTA, Tony. I'm like, no way, Tony.

Anyways, Tony, you fuck with Raves, Tony. Not for your fuck with Raves, Tony.

“Shit, Tony. I think you my twin, Tony. You're looking kind of thin, Tony, shit.”

Bring that shit in, Tony. Damn, Tony. I've been here in squad 50 times every time I wake up, working on my ass, Tony. So let me ask, Tony. You fuck with Raves, Tony. Oh, that's my minute. Man, they really do not like people matching, Tony. I mean, it's kind of nuts. Maybe I've ever seen the show before or anything? Like, uh, three times. And then what made you want to do this here, when?

Fuck you. My friend said do it. Fuck you. Okay. Hang on. I think I know what can help that set. Sure.

I don't think it would really help. He didn't even rhyme. He just kept saying, Tony.

Not another word, Tony. It's Tony. It's Tony. It's Tony. It's Tony. It's Tony. Tony. What was your, what's the name again? I'm sorry. Oh, me. Yeah, it's 98. Is that where we, is that the number above your cell or something? Yeah. Yeah.

“Are you, are you a rapper? Uh, yes, unfortunately. Why do you want to do this?”

I mean, I just a distance from the mic. There you go. All right. Okay. There you go. You bummed out. You walked a guy. I got to leave him to kill himself right now, did. That guy's going to commit suicide because of what you just did up here. Ah, it's going to hit himself with the most beautiful. He had such an idea of the world. Let's just jump into it. You ever done stand up before? I have not. No. Have you ever done anything on stage before?

Uh, rap. That's about it. Do you really rap? I threw a rap. Yeah. Really? Yes. Where the fuck is our drummer at? Right here, Tony. I can talk to him here. I mean, it's like, what are you doing? Just, what? Okay. Well, I'm glad you're back. It's a real professional show and everybody goes pee fucking eight times an episode. All right. I want to see if you can fucking do anything. Because I don't think you can do anything.

That's the, that's the gut instinct that I'm having. So I would, even though this fucking whole thing that you just did sucks,

I'm still going to give you a chance to rap for a second. And then we'll decide whether we

fucking edit you out of the entire episode because I can't have people thinking they can just be a complete piece of chef that just doesn't prepare anything funny for the minute and then does this. A little bit lighter because you guys are very loud. So there you go. . I'm going to stop you there. Now I was feeling that shit though. Ah, that's a feedback. Yes. Payton. Payton. I've got it. Payton liked it because he thought it was a crunch

crap. I got to say your brother, Sir John, is way funnier, man. I got to say.

“Can you just eyeball the spacing or do you have to do this? Like, maybe this and then go, got it.”

Imagine if you did that. You would have to use your whole arm. That's not right. Just come right up. PHX 90. There you go. Put the mic in the mic. Sand PHX 90 is. There you go. There he goes. PHX 90. There you go. There you go. Thank you. You're welcome. Tony, you made him leave like some who got fired at a high-level business. Yeah, that was so cool.

Were they going to put that mic in the mic, Sand? Okay, I thought you over here for a second.

That was so. You just offset any problems there. That's a criminal that you're like, won't be today. Yeah, that was nuts. It's crazy. He really said, go ahead and clock out for me. People watching it at home. Please don't sign up for this show without preparing a minute. It's like a psychotic thing to do. And I don't respond to you during your one-minute long set. So if you're asking me questions like, "Do you like graves?" I will not answer.

And the entire panel has been instructed to not respond or interrupt the minute either.

“So you can't really play off them. You have to really try on this show. Just for a minute.”

Hey, try with a handshake. But he left it way over there? Because I get what's up, no? Okay. All right. Anyway, Tony, I've been having a good time, Tony. This has been a fun show. We're having a good time. I think we have another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for, we know this young lady. Comedy, stored door girl. Very funny person. Make some noise for Miranda Meadows, everybody. Miranda Meadows.

When I finger my girlfriend on her period, do my finger goes in like this and it comes out like this.

When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares and I'd pee the bed. And recently, I found out I'm a squirter.

“So I think back to those times, I'd nightmares and I'd pee the bed and I realized, oh, I was just sleeping next to my uncle.”

The uncle that molested me taught me a lot. He taught me how to roll my arms so that when I got older, I could say, rape. I was molested in the state of Michigan. He touched me here. Miranda Meadows. We know Miranda took a little sister to us over there at the comedy store,

holding it down. Great energies always there and on stage, Lewis J. Gomez.

Yeah, Miranda, you remind me of my niece, which is kind of ironic. Wait, wait, wait. I would much rather you have molested me than my ugly ass uncle. Miranda, remind us all how long you've been when stand up again. And on the 25th it'll be eight years. Eight years. Yeah.

Always fun. A true, you still work in the door at the store. Yep. Nice. You ever wear that red vest? I left you.

Yeah, yes, when it's cold. Yes. I wish I brought it here. I packed horribly for this trip.

It happens whether here's very wonky. Somehow it was a hundred degrees in January and cold and rainy right now. Very bizarre. For those of you, the care about the weather here in Texas. Bullies in a whole little room. All right, you certainly cares about the weather. He controls it. Yeah, just do all right. Yeah, but why would you do this to us? All right. It was too hot. I want to make sure I've already

came inside for the shows. Miranda, you worked the door still. Yeah. You know, you're the, I guess, me, you, Tony. We've all done the same job.

“Oh, that's cool. Are there any, uh, I'm the only one that can find the clip out of all of us?”

There. Right there. Right there between the balls in the penis.

We know where. That's the part they really like. Miranda, what else is going on in life? You know, big ball in, scissor in it up, fucking bitches, get money. How long you had this girlfriend for? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Normally lesbian relationships don't last that long. I know. What is your trick to keeping everything steady? You've been with her two and a half years, so I'm guessing you've lived together

for two, for three years. No, she doesn't want to live with me yet. Oh, why do you get that? Probably because I'm too good at, uh, the bedroom. I don't know. Or because you dress like a conductor. Yeah. Fucking train. I'm dressed like the best pussy eater in Auschwitz. God damn it. Now they weren't eating much over there. Exactly what that is. Dress like that. You clearly don't eat pussy. You also chewed cheese.

Yeah, all the live long day. How, yeah. Do you really scissor? Is that a real thing? I find it to be so strange. One of the fucking funniest things in all of any sex. I might be funnier than anything gay dudes do. But I mean like bouncing your pussy's off of each other. It's

“really fucking hard. Honestly, at the end of it, my knee just ends up up there. And it's really hard.”

It doesn't feel good. And when it does, it's two seconds and it's over. A little ballpark. How many, like a ballpark of how many times a year. If you had to guess that you guys bounced your pussy's off of each other. I have to know. It's just hilarious. Honestly, not this year. We haven't this year. Last year of a few times. Business was booming last year. Business is booming. Business is booming. It's a normal 69. I mean, we call it 45 and a half, but it's just

suck in each other's tits. Girls can't really 69. Can they? So a little bit. Yeah, it's a neck crank. Seems like it's possible. Almost. It seems like one would be kind of, you would have to like loop your arms back. Yeah. One would be like kind of up to your legs down on the back of your head. Yeah, it's almost like a, it's almost like a scots. It's like a finer recliner from scots, finer, the brother of Rick, finer, the father of Bron Breaker. Either of you having like extended

A lot of information. That is a crazy question to ask. And it's disrespectful to women on the show.

“Do any of you have extended labor? I mean, it's probably easier 69ing as a two men. You'd probably”

know a lot about this Tony. Absolutely. No, it's true. It's very true. 69ing with two men works, depending on the height of the other man. Okay. How many, if you had to guess how many toys you

have between the two of you, I always find that intriguing about true. You want it? Yes. Well, because

it takes so many things to replace one penis. I'm interested to hear, I'm interested to hear how many toys you want to take a guess? I'm going to guess 14. I'm going to guess one train set. It is one and it is a nicely sized green dildo. So we can see in the dark. I imagine at night when you guys go to bed, it comes alive. It's just like, fuck me.

“Is it too excited? It's just a one-sided dildo. You guys ever do a two-sided dildo? Like,”

I'm directly in for a dreamer. No, that shit scares me. Right. Because you can't feel it either way. I mean, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. When it's, what? What? Okay, wait. No, I had a text before guys. I swear.

I'm bisexual if you believe it or not. No, I've never done a two-sided dildo.

Right. Yeah. Have you ever had sex? Do you ever have a threesome with another person who's going to hell? Because if not, Ari's happy to join you in your girlfriend. I've heard about sex, but I, can you teach? I have seen Ari's dick before, I'm always on stage and I will say it's perfect size. It's also green, like your favorite dildo. Your sister said that would go away in its own.

“Amazing. Miranda, give the energy like you should have a slingshot in a frog in your box.”

Yeah, you're a real Bart Simpson type, personality of it. I'll pitch your fence for your apple core.

Instead of eat my shorts, you're like eat my pussy. Miranda, you are just fantastic. We love your energy. Great jokes. My favorite appearance on your show on this show so far. Thank you Tony. You're just great. We love you. And we will see you when we come to Los Angeles for the storm in just a couple short weeks. And we love you. Here's a big joke, book. Just fun. There you go. Hell yeah. She may be gay, but she catches like a girl.

You know what? I'm going to bring somebody out who specializes in eating pussy, believe it or not, because he can do it. Wow. They're both standing up. Ladies and gentlemen, just here to say hello an old friend of the show, former panelists who's just swinging by in town, make some fucking noise for one of your favorite stars from the hit movie Jackass and the new Jackass is coming out June 26. Jackass is the best in last. Ladies and gentlemen, just to say hello,

make some fucking noise for women. What's up, brother? How are you doing, Tony? Welcome, welcome. How are you doing, Revin? We, man, this is not Preston, Lucy. This is Preston, lady and I, jial. I've got a set last six double sided Dildo. Yeah, but I'm not green. No, no, no, no. And you're not one sixty by the way. Yeah, we're 160 centimeters, buddy. So it's way. Yeah, love it. By the way, lesbian 69 is L7. Oh, L7. I like that. We, man, welcome back to

the Kiltone University. Thank you. Thank you. You've been out now, way. We accidentally abandoned everybody out there. You did. Yeah. It's all right. You banded your favorite neighbor, too. And he's absolutely. Yeah, the great Rick Kosek, one of the more famous, the famous camera man for all the jackass movies. And I were extremely close. Next door neighbors for a long time. We had a very home improvement like relationship. He came up to my fence and I would be out there, obviously,

chain smoking and writing and whatnot. And we would talk every day. We'd go to the farmers market.

If you saw Rick Kosek, you would know it was not a sexual relationship. Oh, yeah, I would totally fuck her. Absolutely. I've seen that guy bar phone film more than anyone of the world. It's hilarious. And we love Rick. We're all very good friends with them. We, man, this movie's coming out June 26.

I've heard so many great things about it. We all know that I am a massive fan. I've always

said there's only two funny things left in this world. And that is Jackass and South Park.

“We are so excited. So excited to see it. How do you feel about what you guys got on film?”

It's actually really, really good. This time we went right away in the beginning. We went and shop for five days. That's it. We got 40 minutes. That's over half the movie in five days. That's usually we take like six months and we take breaks and nox is like, well, no, that we're working at this speed. Who knows what's next? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's going to be a fucking good one. And we went viral on Friday because we blew up the back of Seamy Valley. Her hand was like a family partner was like,

oh shit, there was two explosions. And okay, we're going to hear helicopter soon. And I was saying it was nothing because we had all the cops in fire department. They all knew we were going to blow shit up. Jackass started the fire in Los Angeles. This is Jackass. We're destroying

“Pasadena. Baranair and Aaron. Fuck an amazing. We, man, what else is going on in life? Anything”

else crazy? We should know about. Nothing crazy. I just got an old Canon Elon film camera and I started taking shots and I have a photo show coming out. I love it. Nothing better than low angle photos. Oh yeah. I love it. Oh shit. It's done, everybody. I'll start pictures. We, man, that's a GoPro. He's like, again, this one is a shot of ankles and this one is a shot of ankles. Okay. Let's see this here. What's up? Who got the most PTSD this year? David England.

He shoved his finger in the Zach's ass and he tore his, his middle finger, he tore the

tendon right here. Oh, boy. What in our butt? In, he didn't realize it at first. We did this whole

crazy bit. And then he went and he goes, dude, I can't move my finger, guys. So it goes to the doctors and we're like, yes, and we're like, did you tell him what? Oh, he goes, yeah. I told him in the assistant, I shoved my finger up with dude to ask and broke it. And my first thought was the doctor's wife that night was like, so honey, how was work? Oh, wait to hear this one. I am hard as a rock right now. You know, that's too long. That dude is like, he's now going around Hollywood. I literally have

the tightest ass in our life. Working people see that photo show that you're doing. It's sort of small little venue called House of Danger in Costa Mesa, May 2nd. Nice. It's going to be fun. Awesome. Drinks and burgers and low angle photos. We love you, we men. Jackass, the bet and last it's called comes out June 26th. You guys know what to do. Go have fun, smoke some pot, go watch a fucking funny ass undeniable movie. A lot of our friends

“and former guests of the show, of course, are part of the cast. Basically, everybody, I think”

everybody's been on it except for Knoxville. Who was almost on it, but lost to me. We had some crazy stuff going on that day. At a little gig in Madison Square Garden the night before. Little something happened. We don't worry about that though. It's all behind us. Okay. I mean, guys, what a fucking episode we've had. And there's only one way to end an episode. Like, there's some believe it or not. It's probably not how you think.

William Montgomery is going through it. Are he Maddie's doing extra sold-out shows? And to me, no breaks is recovering from a big fall at WrestleMania, which is available now. Obviously on Netflix. Keltoni, Mania. Went live. Yeah. Go watch it.

But, ladies and gentlemen, I promise you, when I tell you that one of the most amazing

regulars with the most potential and only a couple appearances under his belt is waiting right behind that curtain. He will be if he's not already one of your favorite comedians in the world. Make some noise for the future. Everybody, this is a new set from Pat O'Neal, everybody. Folks, start doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate.

Fun times. Last time I did that, I was watching some Madrid porn, at least I hope. Got a big porn grout here.

“All right, most of you are either on-missure liars. It's fine though.”

Watch it too much of that stuff growing up, but think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women. Like thinking lesbians would be pretty. Rarely the case. I dated a Jewish girl once and it'd be in the lesbian. The old double Ike. Part of the LGBT Jew. You know, the ancient Jews. As legend has it, they saw Jesus Christ that the last supper picking up the tab for 12 other dudes. And we're like he must be God.

We have to kill him. Okay, thank you. Unbelievable. I mean, he does this. This is what he does. That's clearly the fucking set of the night. The hardest hitting jokes. Totally almost made me take a spit take. I thought I could take a full sip of water while he was coming out and the folks got me real good, right? You just have the beats, man.

Let's check him with Louis J. Gomez. First of all, you are very funny. That's unique and funny

great jokes, but you do look like Pennywise in high school. Pennywise is also what Ari Chiffier calls his pocket. He's filled with pennies that he finds on sixth street. So many out there. Just they guy. No one is looking at him. I'm picking up pennies right behind him. Dude, you have the most hair of a ball person I've ever seen about him. That's a black widow's peak. All right, let's have the third person tell me how ugly I am.

It's not about how ugly they are. I'm just surprised how funny are when you spend most of your time trying to re-animate dead flesh here. You're like fucking doctor Frankenstein. Your bedroom's just full of like you know like bubbling tubes and shit. Yeah, I kill ladies. Yeah, I'm calling you us like a path. Yeah. You can't. I don't kneel. You were so fucking funny.

“You got the rules. Thank you Tony. Crazy question. What's your writing process?”

Is it daytime nighttime at a desk? Does it come to you when you write it on your phone? Is it in the shower? Is it driving? Yeah, just like all day. Yeah. Shower and driving. We have laid down an open grave and wait till it comes to you. I feel like you write to all of his jokes by clipping out letters from magazines and stuff. Yeah, there's a great spot. I go to write. I fly on in. I hang upside down by my feet. Patonio, I cannot stress enough how funny I think you are and how excited I am for you to be a full-time regular on this show.

You did it again, but you're amazing. Don't change a fucking thing.

We do it. So Pat, you're fucking great dude. And we just announced it's gangfest tickets are on sale today. How would you like to come here? Let me just break it right now and say that I am inviting you myself. You know what? I would like to have you. I would like to have you on the secret show. All the fans paid trip. There's a suite that fucking something named Dave Smith's not using.

“So I want you asking if it's going to be awesome with your new pin. Are you coming to skankfest this year?”

I was planning, you know. Hey, let me be the first one. I am part of you to skankfest. You are now a proud member of Skankfest right there.

I was going to skunk selling. I didn't get in last year and then this year. Yeah, can you believe it? No, I'm going to be in D.C. at the time. I'm going to be in D.C. Yeah, doing shows. Yes, cancel the fucking weekend. Come part of your skankfest. All right, all right. Just ask it for a week later. You can see it's a shit hole. Okay. All right.

And the rest of us are going to be at Skankfest. Believe it or not, everybody. Have a one more time with a great pedonyl, everybody. You're soon to be favorite comment. Good reason not already. Make some noise for the great Louis J. Gomez. Everybody's skankfest.com for the final tickets to Skankfest. There's not going to be a kill Tony just to make it clear. However, we're all doing stand-up in

everybody's shows. Story war is all the fun stuff. Well, it's a 10th anniversary. You never know what could happen, Tony.

“Well, I do know what can happen. What did happen in the last time you did kill Tony on Skankfest?”

What did happen? You took a shit on the stage. And anything good and will happen. That's good for Skankfest, killed Tony. Anything can happen. I'd like to guarantee right now Kill Tony will happen to us. It's definitely not. Do not. You're hurting your first kill Tony. It's happening. That's good. You know what? Those are going to be two kill Tony's. Yeah, definitely not. However, the real pit killed Tony at Madison Square Garden on August 7th

and August 8th. The Intuit dome in Los Angeles and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve.

“Minor arenos. You need to do it at 134 room in Skankfest. 130 would be I think an upgrade compared to the”

rooms that we've done before. One more time for the great Ari Shafir, everybody. The end. The story

telling Super Series is available now. Go to AriShafir.com. Guys, boy, oh boy. What a first episode.

Perhaps one of my favorite first time panelists of all time. I fucking knew it. Make the noise for Peyton Roddy everybody. I'm telling you, this guy's the fucking freaking nature. Follow them on Instagram and Peyton Reddy comedy that's RUDdy Y and go see him live. Go to Peyton Reddy live.com. His tour. My best work is happening now. Thank you. The DC show is big. We scheduled

“hours. We had right. Thank you to our sponsors Shafir by Talkspace and Zipper Cruder for this episode.”

One more time for Winston Marshall on the band joe joining us, everybody. I love the fact that

some of the best musicians in the world join us sometimes randomly on this show. It's so awesome. So crazy. Let's see what Chris Rodgers drew tonight. Just for Shitson. Oh, Shane Gillis. That guy's on my story telling show, the end. He's also on the storytelling show available at AriShafir.com. And he'll also be at Skankfest, Skankfest.com. Redbam. You know, I just Peyton used to work at the Sunset strip and I'm so happy for you Peyton. When you left Sunset, it made me really

depressed. But you could check out SunsetStripATX.com and find the next Peyton. It is true. A lot of people ask me to do panel on the show. And when Peyton asked me, there was no hesitation whatsoever. Even as after that, Louis said he's coming in town and Ari's said he's coming in town. I said I wanted to keep it three people because I knew Peyton would crush one more time for the debut of Peyton ready to the Kill Sunni Universe. We did it again. Go watch the Kill Sunni

Media on Netflix and come see us live in New York LA everywhere. And the life goes on. Good night, everybody. Thank you. [Music] [Music] [Music]