#769 - MAT EDGAR + CHRIS O'CONNOR

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of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by blue shoe price picks, and zippics, delicious, nicotine toothpicks, who's a smoker in here, and he smoker, there you go have one, here, have one of those, nibble on one of those during the episode and all your nicotine worries, go away, zip more, smoke last with zippics, okay, we just got it, we're fresh off of Los Angeles, live last night, the roast of Kevin Hart was something else, huh? It's the first time I've been

“called a Nazi multiple times in just a few hours, I guess that's what L.A. writer's room saw these,”

a lot of mentally ill liberals out there that somehow with all these fucking blacks and Jews and Mexicans around me, I guess I'm a fucking Nazi somehow, I guess the guy that pulls names out of a bucket giving everybody an opportunity is a Nazi, isn't that something?

I was called that by a bunch of people that have never written anything in their lives,

that literally have just been reading cue cards and teleprompters every project they've ever done with the inability to improvise whatsoever, no opportunity to have their own thought, they just read what the writers wrote for them without any originality whatsoever, and the writers, I used to work with them, there's a few great writers in that writer's room and the rest of them were just living in a bubble of mental illness and it's very exciting, but I mean, the most of it, you know,

I mean, I got called a Nazi gay, a racist, over and over again, I'm none of those three things, a little fun fact, but they are what they are fat, ugly, black, and Jewish, everything I said was real about them, just a reminder, because I woke up today and even though even though every human that I've seen told me that it was unbelievable, there's news articles, because the news isn't real, nothing is real, that's say that I got lit up by Chelsea Hamler, which is very, very funny,

because that's not what happened at all. You can't believe anything you see or read on the news anymore,

“you have to actually watch the thing for yourself. She was a bit of a comment, I'll tell you that,”

she just kept coming at me over, she said I went, took the Saudi Arabia money, she was like wrong about things, the writers just didn't do her any justice, but then the teleprompter, the fun fact, the teleprompter, only went down during my set and it gave me a lot of opportunity to remind Chelsea Hamler what she looks like and where her life is, because she had a comment, and everybody wants to go up early in those things, and they put a lot of the people that they

know will do good at the end, which is fucking bullshit, because some people turn off the television

when the crowds off fresh, is that I'm sitting there watching what they're doing, so when Chelsea

“kept coming at me, like, I'm like, I'm on the fuck this bitch out. Anyway, it was fun, we're back home,”

shout out to the roast faster general, Jeff Ross, our kiltony family that was there,

the great big J.O. Carson Crush, and of course the powerful Shane Gillis dominated hosting the show.

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“all in the Amazon music app. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?”

We're gonna have so much fun. These are two of the best comedians around two of my favorite guests in the shows history. You guys know them. You love them. Make some fucking noise for the great Chris O'Connor and Madden Girl everybody. Here we go. Chris O'Connor and Madden Girl. The local mother fucking homies. Chris O'Connor is a star. He's got the podcast stuff island. He's storing the country tickets available at Chris O'Connor.com. We're all in North Carolina, Detroit,

Michigan. How about a hand for my good friend, Madden Girl? Everybody. We started together this week 19 years ago. A little fun fact about me and Matt. May 2007 at the comedy store. Two little pups. I was 22. He was 21. Now I'm 41 and you're 40. All right? Yeah. Crazy. That's nuts.

“And one of us made it. Thank you. And I won that coin flip. Chris, how you doing buddy?”

We were together making a lot of eye contact. You were right in the middle front of the roast of Kevin Hart. We had a lot of fun. Yeah. And I was with you last night. Three. Yeah. You didn't fucking hammer. Oh yeah. Oh I forgot. You were there. Yeah. We were really fucked up. It's not going to set the green about star wars like 10 hours. Yeah. Seth Green was there. You were reminding me of a lot right now. Jesus fucking cries. Yeah. That was hurt. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. It was a very odd

plane ride home today. A lot of scary dreams. And if you guys get blacked out last night? Yes.

I looked like I woke up looking like Chelsea Hamlet. That's how rough. That's how rough my

night was. I just had like that Botox swollen and flamed face that just, you know,

“seems like you used to be successful 15 years ago. And you're not anymore. You know what I mean?”

I just like felt like that worse feeling. Thank God. Then I just took a two hour nap. And I was back to being one of the best in the world. And she was done kidding. Shut up. You guys saw the show works over 200 innocent souls signed up for this. Some of them could be the next great comedian of Planet Earth. All of our regulars and golden ticket winners were found out of this bucket. Could happen. Could be a completely insane person, a lazy writer that didn't really give any effort.

Anything can happen. They get 60 seconds on the net or up to you into the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. And then they have to wrap it up. Then they're also going out of the anguished Hollywood bear. Truly interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. The entire thing is live and improvised anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show.

I'm going to let this tie Lady Boy pick the first name out of the bucket. Hell yeah.

I'm not a lady boy. I know I said that. There you go. All right. And while that happens, I'm going to bring up one of the great regulars of the show's history. Here to do a brand new minute. He does it every fucking week. Not easy to do. It takes balls, courage. This guy's got it all. And here he goes again. Here with a brand new minute to get us started while we wrangle that first bucket pool. Makes some noise for the great former Dark Storm of Atlanta. Now

the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. This is a new set from Dead Dritt Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. I love Latino people. I grew apart of Mexican and high school. My best friend was Mexican.

“So I was like raised like that's why I learned Spanish from like I don't really know like”

chore Spanish because I know like certain actions like when it's mom and say, "Pincha, you duck." Right. You know what I'm saying? That means duck in Spanish. And if you here, Pcha called Brown, that means duck in run and Spanish. And then I could choose that love with you know, through my life with my jobs and I worked. Now I speak a different kind of Spanish. It's called Steel Told Non-Slipp Spanish. It's like you got to work in like

construction sites and they speak a different kind of Spanish because it's mostly just sound effects. Like, are you Spanish? Did you correctly from wrong? And Spanish means soccer wrench. Right. That means soccer wrench. They would be like, they'd be like, "They might have more and I don't." And then you know, because that means you got to drill it out. That's drilling in Spanish and means like, "Hey, I need you to pay attention to me. This is good for

am I wrong about that guy?" I'm like, "Am I correct about that?" Okay, because I know I know if you do it wrong, you don't want to disappoint them because they, when they, you come showing your work and it's bad if you're like, "Oh, it's no goof." It's no goof. That's my time. They're y'all, I'm y'all, Tetrick Flynn doing a minute 30 seconds. Toughest job in the business

and you've never just do the bare minimums. You did an extra 30 seconds, a whole extra half a set

of a new material there. That is all true. That checks out. That is, that's the horn players and Michael Gonzalez are doing. They're still laughing. They're laughing. The hungover Mexican guy is like, "How, yeah." This is all true. Did you say you were on a work site? Where did you come up with this? I used to build a car washes. It's like, "My, uh, my, I'm sure I'm, I'm a DJ."

“Why? Why did you? Why did you? Why did you? It's Chris's, well, I think, very hard at the”

fact that you built a car wash. It's a new building. Where did you get a car wash? If you build a car wash, Mexicans will come. It's like, "Field of dreams for them." They're good at it. So what does it take to build a car wash? Was I just have worked for a company that only built car wash? They built their own and I was a GM there too. So I had to go through the whole building process, like put it in the PVC pipes, bolt, and all the frames. And because, like,

uh, like, what are those options? You liked it because there was a lot of hose? Yeah, I love, I love, there's tons of hose. At the car wash with, bro, does car wash show that girl? Me, any girl that go through a break-up, she's bringing her car through the car wash. Tiffany did a nigga out of her car. Like, she's got a vacuum up all of his cigarettes.

Still seems like I haven't gotten what I deserve for the... There's a lot of hose. So a lot of hose. Because it's a car wash.

“Just, okay, thank you. That's what I needed. I needed a hand clap from this beautiful,”

one of the hottest down syndrome women I've ever seen in my entire life. A little fish, I'm sorry, I'm still in row smooth. It's been a crazy week done. And you did great. What did I keep going? You raises. I don't, I don't make no sense. Because if you are, you're bad at it. I notice, you can't keep changing. All these, you change my life. I don't, I don't, I notice, there was a theme and they very rarely

talked about how wildly successful my show is because it's on a different streaming company. So I think they weren't allowed to make fun of Kiltone, even though we worked, we worked with them for at least up multiple episodes a year. But I don't think they like mentioning YouTube. I don't think Netflix and YouTube get a long,

very well. We always play nice. I never mention YouTube on a net, I never say we have hundreds

of episodes available on YouTube on the Netflix episodes. And it's funny. They did this weird Kevin Hart show where they find the next comedic talent. They released that on Mondays at eight. It almost seems like they were trying to start some shit there. But, you know, I play nice. I play nice until I don't. And here we are. Okay, I'm going to have more attention. You fucking shit. You just need to be burned.

He's watching, he's standing over the body. We were like enough, so not. Tony, he's just crushed. He's dead. He's dead right there. I mean, now I'm playing nice. I'm trying to do it. Take her to the Mexican car. Homes are down a little bit. You know, and I mean, see what's underneath there. It's like when the,

that'd be like when the Joker shows up in like the military police outfit that one time, he's got like, no makeup on, but you still see the scars. Anyway, Dejra, how did you like Los Angeles? Tell us about your week. Well, it was fun, but Dejra stole my phone.

It was my first time in LA, so like you got to, I mean, they was like, welcome.

You know what I'm saying? That happens. They took my phone. So I've been following this, trying to figure out life. I forgot how much you need your phone to you don't.

“I don't know how Y'all niggas did comedy before, like not having a, how did y'all get a round?”

Did y'all have like an actual map or y'all pirates? How old do you think we are? Matt, we're friends, but pretty old, what do you do? What do you do on the toilet with no phone? Have you noticed? I got the laptop on there. I got the laptop right on my knees. I fucking took his shit on, ready. The old, fucking, the old crap tops.

Screens shaking. Yeah. Jack, jack up on the toilet. You wipe wasn't crazy, sir. Yeah, dude. The old double release. Judgment. That's called the number three. I was like, oh, Blomkin, isn't it? Well, that's a floor job on my toilet. Oh, okay. I'm glad we got to the bottom of it. Oh, that was fucking plaguing my mind. So fun, Dedric. Way to get tonight's show started. Oh, God, they got something. And we're off. It has begun.

“That's how it's done. And now we go to the bucket. We're absolutely anything can happen.”

Sometimes it's the next genius of the future. Sometimes it is just not. Let's see what happens here.

Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of IV Miller. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Hello. I'm IV. I am from California. Yeah, hold on. Hold on. I'm from a place called San Diego. And in San Diego, everyone is long. And everyone is in workout gear. And all the children sound like they're named after energy drinks. Slater, rocket, and Jake. The less you care in San Diego, the cooler you are, no one has a job. Only perfect abs. We have our own language in San Diego as well.

And if you ever get lost and you need to communicate with the local, you just pretend you're coming out of surgery. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Thank you.

On the pee leave up all our headband.

On be believable. Want to learn more about San Diego? Yeah. IV, I could tell you from San Diego because Beach, you didn't get one laugh during your set.

“She put I did there. How long you've been going to stand up, baby?”

About three months now. Perfect. That was glad. After you said three, I was happy to hear a month. I also would have accepted weeks. And days is a possible answer. Months is good. Thank God for that. What made you want to start standing up three months ago? It terrifies me. I just wanted to scare myself and face my fears. I love it. That's fun. What have you been doing your whole life? What else have you been doing? I lifeguard. And that's

red band. Come on. Be a professional here. You're a lifeguard. Is that what you've been doing most your life? Yes. How many lives have you saved? Quite a bit. It gets quite busy. Okay, if you had to

“guess what the ethnicity is. With the percentage of ethnicities of the people that you have to”

save realistically. Let me know. Really? Yes. Wow. I feel like rocks. Oh my goodness gracious. I do not know that. They just go. Oh my goodness. They do when it weighs them down. It's not them. It's the clothes. Unbelievable. Is this true? Let's check in with our, oh no. They're disagreeing over here. These guys are, as you could tell, they're all aerodynamically built to swim properly.

Hero dynamic, if you will. Incredible. So you've saved a lot of lives. Any close calls? Was

someone like kind of basically dead? Yeah. They give a mouth to mouth like windy peppercorn in the sandlot and all of a sudden they're just hard as a rock in a live. Yes. Perfect. Very good. Red band's about to be faking and drowning in Sandy. I got next week. I sang to the bottom. He does say does swim with all of his clothes on, by the way. And no doubt about it. Red band has been taken off a shirt

“outside of his apartment in years. I love it. Ivy, what's your love life like? You got a man?”

I'm recently single. Ooh. How long was that? You are out of control tonight. I told you to start jerking off before the shows. You're a little wild animal. Have a zippics tooth pick or a wax. Zipp more. Smoke less. Okay. How long was the relationship that you were in? Six months. Six months. Okay. And why are you recently single? How did it end? Why didn't it work out? What do you think happened there? There was a mismatch in the drive department. Drive department, sex drive.

Like motivation. Oh, in general. And I think, um, I even I pulled a red band on that one. I even I was like, drive, sex drive. All right. Distance. Right. He didn't live in San Diego? No. We lived in Europe. Oh, well, that'll do it. Yeah. What part of Europe? Portugal. Okay. You're up San Diego. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and where'd you meet this guy, San Diego? Portugal. You were in Portugal. Yeah. How long were you in Portugal for? Oh, I live in Portugal half the year. Why do you

live in Portugal half the year? For the surf and life guarding. Oh, okay. So how long have you been surfing your whole life? Yes. Wow. Seriously, just a real beach bomb. That's your thing. Interesting. What's Portugal as good waves? Yes. Yeah. In the summer and then it gets massive. So I just like the summer. What are the Portuguese people like? They're lovely. What's the stereotype about them? It's strangely, I'm a master of the racist arts. And I don't know how I would make fun of

a Portuguese deal. Sounds like they're lazy. Yeah. Yes. Stubborn. Are they? Really stubborn. Wow. Just I appreciate it because things stay the same, but they like things the way they are. Right. Do you speak Portuguese? No. I'm working on it. Wow. So you just go there and you're just like

this American bibbo. That's just amazing. Wow. Amazing. I think. What else? What do you do for

fun other than water sports? I like to snowboard. I surf in snowboard a lot. Okay. And I like to

life I've ever heard. Yeah, it doesn't. You want to get into comedy? You're life's great. Yeah. The fuck you. You're living an endless summer. Surfing in life guarding. Stay away.

That's true. I've never heard of an energy drink that sounds like Slater or Jake.

Was it, did you like mess that up? Was Jake planned? Well, you know, I saw this Slade. Yeah, I don't know. You don't know? Well, this Slater. It just sounds like they've all got X's and Z's and Zeppered and you know, it just like keeps going and then but there's like so

“many jakes. There's a there's a in your world. I think there's a lot of jakes. Like a picture.”

Well, it's on my name's Jerry. I'm all right. I be fun times. Here's a little joke book. You got the first bucket pool. You are the first bucket pool of the night. Thank you. Keep doing it if you love it. I mean, you got a lot of work to do, I think. Thank you. You're about as funny as a fucking plastic cup. But chase your dreams. I love you. Red band. You can't say things like that.

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email and text that's 10% off at TECOVAS.com/Kiltoni. Tacobas.com/Kiltoni. See site for details. Tacobas. Point your toes west. Okay, we're going to keep it moving along your second bucket pool of the night on a show in which clearly anything can happen and no one is too underqualified to sign up. Makes some noise for BK, everyone. Here we go. Thank you. So being Middle Eastern, I realized my childhood was very different from my white friends.

So for instance, during summer breaks, my white friends parents would send them to summer camp. My parents would send me the refugee camp. They learned new things like horseback riding. I learned how to ride the village donkey. I also met the camera was gone though. My friends with me brag about like how many friends they made. They were like, oh, I got all these pen pals. I'm going to write letters. I was so sad. I didn't meet a single friend.

But I did meet like 85 cousins. That was just on my mom's side though. I still have the right checks it in every summer. My last friend though, he was so excited. He met the girl of his dreams.

And he had his first kiss. I also met a girl. She was my first cousin.

“Go ahead, finish it. Go ahead, what is the girl of my mother's dreams?”

Okay, yeah, that was enough of that. BK, what is going on? You're about as funny as a San Diego lifeguard. Holy shit dude. How long you've been doing stand up? I started in 2008. Jesus fucking Christ dude. 18 years. You've been doing this long enough that your career could buy a pack of cigarettes? Yeah. I had to take a break. Please tell me it was a 17 year break. Yeah, it was. I had a stroke. Really? Yeah. Okay, I could kind of see that.

What happened? How long ago was the stroke? I lost my speech in language.

What was going on? Where were you doing? Just hanging out talking to my friend, getting ready for a show and then God was like, you know what, you're doing that show tonight. Wow. God saved that audience. Holy shit. Look at God works in mysterious ways people.

One man's stroke is another man's joke, you know what I mean? Incredible. So how long ago did

the stroke happen? 2010. Right. Okay. And all of a sudden what your face half your face went

“numb or your hand or what? I thought like my arm went numb and I just was like, you know, what?”

And in 30 seconds later it came back to life but I was like trying to say like, like holy crap. What? This had, I was just, you know, fuck you turned in a red band. It made it. Absolutely incredible. Do you smoke? Did you smoke? No, I should have though. Yeah. You might as well have. Well, when did you start speaking again? Took about like a month for like an initiation. Yeah. Yeah. And hoping it was way longer. Yeah. No. It really sucked. Like, I remember the doctor

and Nigerian doctor. He was like, Mr. Khalid, did you do any drugs? I'm like, no, because my mom was there a pair, you know, so even if I did, I would be like, no. Where did this happen?

“Why did you have a Nigerian doctor? Do you not have insurance? What's going on here?”

No, I grew up in the ghetto, Patterson, New Jersey. Okay. Yeah. All right. And your doctor was Nigerian. What was that like? He was the ER doctor. So, but then I got the white doctor after. Oh, okay. Like to do the heart surgery. All right. The Jewish, they escalated it. Yeah.

I don't know. Amazing. Okay. So, recovery has been good. What's your life like now? What do you

do for work? So, I was just working, IT, a big FinTech company. I laid off Wednesday. You got laid off? How long were you with them? Eight years. Eight years. And randomly laid off. I don't know where. Yeah. Wow. So, what are you planning on doing? That's so interesting. You're at a monumental moment in your life. Trying to get back into comedy. Yeah. Okay. What else? What's a second option here? Yeah. So, you're trying to figure out what else we could possibly do. Maybe you

music. I'll get back into music. What did you do musically? Um, I used to be a frontman for a band, right, original songs and stuff. Okay. Can we hear some, can we hear an example of your an original song? You, you tell the band a ballpark of what to do these guys? I play guitar, though. These guys. Yeah. I mean, we want to hear you sing. Where we have a great guitarist here that can do whatever you want. Is it a, what is it a D into a G, you know, D age, B, D, B, D, B,

Oh, he's happening. He's happening in other stroke everybody. Uh, D, D, B, A, G, like a, like standard punk music. Yeah. It's called better off that. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the strokes, every part. It starts at D. It starts at D. The strokes. Like, I used to ride my skateboard down your street every day. But, you know, come on, lose yourself in it, damn it.

“You should never met on better on day. Wow. All right. All right. All right.”

I agree. I do think you're better off dead.

B, K, this is amazing, dude. After seeing you do comedy, it's very clear. And after seeing

you do music that you should be getting another job in IT. This is absolutely amazing. Are you guys hiring? No. All right. You have a good sense of humor, though. You're rolling with everything good. You love doing comedy. I love it. And how long have you lived in Austin? Eight years. Wow. Eight years. Amazing. What do you love about Austin? The scene, the music scene. You have a girlfriend? I got a wife 12 years. Oh, nice. So she stuck

by you through the stroke and everything. No, um, that was before. That was before. Okay. Yeah. Wow. What does she do? She's a housewife, uh, baby mama. Okay. All right. What did she say when

she's actually, um, in Egypt brand. Oh, she left. When did she leave? Uh, Thursday. Yeah. Friday. Wow. Really. Was that a planned trip? It was planned. Okay. But what is she doing in

“Egypt? Uh, her family's from Gaza. Oh, perfect. She's seeing, yeah. What could possibly go wrong?”

Yeah. So, yeah. Try to sneak back in. It's, it's shit. You're going back? Yeah. I was going to say, you're bombin' here. She's bombin' here. Yeah. Yes. You know, life's rough with B.K. When she's like, I'm, uh, I had off to Gaza for a little bit. She's like, good luck. Now, she was very supportive,

though. She's like, I've been with you 12 years and I've never been insecure about, you know,

your hustle and you just get back on your feet. It's great. Instead of someone by your side. Yeah. Your genocide. Gaza right now, everybody. Genocide happening. Now that I'm not in LA anymore, I can talk about it. Yeah. All right, B.K. You know, you're getting on your feet. The stroke is finally wearing off. There's a medium-sized joke. Thank you so much. We're just going to keep it moving along. There he goes. B.K. Hey, everybody. There he goes. Get out of here. All right. On to the next one,

week out. Make some noise to your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. It's Martin Malloy, everybody. Martin Malloy. Hi, I'm Marty. The optimist. She's a glass. It's helpful. My partner just gets a friend of it. So I see two glasses at one of them wants to kill me.

“Chicks dig men, Leo, guys. That's what my cats tell me. I went to Paris. I didn't have to buy a”

plane ticket. I just took mushrooms and washed right at two E. I like this crowd. You're my next girlfriend. She also liked the last guy better. Someone told me the 90s called and they want their hairstyle back. I said really the 90s called. You didn't warn them about 9/11? Martin Malloy. You got one more. Whatever the fuck you want to do. Let's go. Dude, I don't give a

fuck and go. Do it one hour special. Let's go. That joke costs a $20 here cut $5

“chip and over 3,900 American lives. That's it. I'm Martin Malloy. Holy shit. What the fuck is this?”

Oh my god. Jesus Christ saw mighty. Look at this guy. I had no idea. Shane Gillis had a brother.

This is amazing. Holy shit. You're a monster. I love your jokes. I love your stage

presence. I love everything about you. Talk into that microphone. You're wild beast. The state presence I don't do on purpose. I really do have schizophrenia. That's the way that's the way I have to be. It's my nervous habit. I love it. The Chris O'Connor. Dude, I love it when I head and shoulders can only for point one direction. Fucking amazing. Just write down the barrel comedy. It's fucking rules. I love it, man. I love your schizophrenia. All of your

personalities were funnier than the other bucket pulls we've had here tonight. Thank you.

This is amazing. Martin, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since November 2004,

but I couldn't do it for six years because I had an enlarged prostate in the P.O. for three minutes. So I couldn't work so I had to live in a group home. They wouldn't give me a catheter. Is that a good enough answer, Tony? No excuses. God damn it. Look at this fucking guy. This is incredible. Martin, you are a freak

I'm 60 years old. Turn 60. I'm March 25. You turned it on Mother's Day. I'm March 25. I turn 60. Okay. Yeah, that happened. You're 60. You might know me. I'm under my stage name.

“What skits so bill I was on O.P. and Anthony. I don't remember if you remember that episode.”

Wow. I do. Okay. He was... Yeah, wow. He's star-strucker. Martin, when I was working in McDonald's, the guy that dressed as Ronald McDonald came in, and he was a fan of O.P. and Anthony, he knew me. You are adorable. What else have you been doing your whole life? You worked at McDonald's for how long? For about two years on three different times. Okay. So, and leave it come back. Amazing. Why would you leave it come back?

I try and get better jobs when I never did. Slot of a bet. Right now I drive live to make

hair. Half my income is sin of comedy. Amazing. I sell wristbands and stuff like that for merchandise. And I sell wristbands that say, "Main USA by Legels." You can get them. It's halting out sweet. It gives shop and lake with Ohio.

“Wow. Shout out. Lakewood, Ohio. You are. Can I drop my Instagram or what I'm saying?”

You can do anything you want right now. Given you the Timmy Nobreak's treatment, this is just your show right now, Martin. My Instagram is Cleveland comedian and my website is very funny comedy.com and my website leads to my Instagram. Okay. That's a looping. I only have about 230 more questions for you, Martin. So, we could have saved those plugs for the end, but I like that they're in the middle because it's a little bit off, just like you. It's very fitting on the branding

side. So, you're 60 years old. You're originally from Cleveland, Ohio? Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. I grew up in the same town at Logan and Jake Paul did. I used to watch him wrestle when I

they were wrestlers at high school. Lakewood? I was an alumni wrestler too. Amazing.

“You should go back and watch this. Lakewood? What? At Lakeway? Well, West Lake. West Lake. That's right.”

And you're a fan of the Cleveland Indian, some taking it. Yeah. Right. Absolutely. In the Cavaliers. Yeah. And sort of the browns. Right. I know. It's rough out there for browns fans. It's rough. I'm pretty sure the head coach feels the same way. I noticed they got to Sean Watson is first in the dub chart or the QB right now. Okay. What does that mean to you? That means he's probably going to start this season. Yep. You think you think it should be

you should or maybe. Do you think it should be? Shoulder. I mean, you should know. Talking to two different people. Get something, Jacks out. Some Martin, you still living Cleveland or did you move here? I live in Cleveland. Now I traveled here to just to get on this show and

luckily I got fit. That's amazing. When did you get here today or yesterday? I got here yesterday.

Okay, amazing. Incredible. When do you leave tomorrow? Wow. So you came here just for this. Yeah, if there's any comedians out there, if there's a mic, I can hit later on this night. Let me know. You're at something else. I love your style, Martin. All right. When you were on open and auntie, I remember you also on Ron and Fez, I remember Elper, you used to have roast you and everything. Yeah. Billboard and Jim Norton

tried to get me to kill myself for like an hour. Wow. I didn't do it obviously. But they drove me so crazy. I was considering calling the mental hospital. I've had shock treatments. I do jokes about them. Wow, Martin. I love you. What's your love life like? Not an existing. There's this girl, Julia Mary. She's a comedian. I'm working on getting hooking up with her, but it's not working out. Have you tried? Have you talked with her?

Yes, I'm talking to her and she asked me to buy a house and then she said, she'll go out with me. She said, if you buy her a house and I guess she wants to move in, I don't know. Sounds like a hell of a deal, Martin. I'm looking on the habitat for humanity.

Yeah. I responded to an ad that's saying you had to wear costume and so I wore a street jacket and I told some jokes and they really weren't laughing and then I told my final joke. I said,

“my illness draws me in the ability to feel emotional and compassionate like normal people. That's why”

I'm a Republican. And the judges laughed like crazy, but they edited and asked those judges. They

put in an armature shirt from a chair saying we have to pass and I was never in the same room with

no one from chairs. Wow. Nothing you're not used to. That is amazing. Isn't it crazy how those big productions, those big television productions that aren't real and aren't raw and are over real? And I'm going to use talk space. I love that. That's right. I'm going to use talk space and if you invite me back here I'll come and tell everyone how a talk space went. Can't pass that up.

“That's amazing. Martin absolutely incredible. When else about your life, would we find interesting,”

60 years? I heard the frog jump every year, my God. What's the frog jump? It's a fairly city frog jump. You put a frog in the middle of a spread out parachute and you jump at three

times and they measured a distance from the center. Wow. And I had a second long jump one year.

Wow. Unbelievable. Where are you jumping or is it frog? The frog is jumping and it's just a sad story. The first time I met you. Let me guess. You once, when the first time you did it, you accidentally squows the frog to death. Yeah. You really did. Yeah. I'm going to hold out to a tights and I killed it. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I did the same thing. My first time I was ever on TV as 10 years old and they were filming me and I was going like this next to the frog.

So it would jump as a jumping, frog jumping contest and right when they got to me, I was like, oh my God, I'm my TV and I hit the frog and broke something funny or when he does it. She's surprised. That man is so funny. That happened to me. Yeah. This is how we find out her red band is officially retarded. I'll tell you what Martin Maloy, there's an open mic happening on the other side of the building in the other room right now. I'm going to send you with the

producers backstage and they're going to, and they're going to give you a short set there. I think it's about three minutes. If you had to guess how much? One more lean to drop. Okay, drop it, drop it.

“The joke I did about the cats. Chicks did mean but that's what my cats tell me. Chicks they got.”

Chicks did mentally. All the guys says what my cats tell me. Those are unsailed salty nuts. We didn't like what Ohio did. Martin, you are an unbelievable human being and it's 60 years old with all of your experience doing it since 2004. I find you so intriguing and it shocks me all the time on this show when people come here with this or that and whether it's a condition or this, whatever it may be. For some reason in this crazy world, I think this is an art form where maybe being a little bit

off or sad or up or down. I think it's kind of built for people that are a little fucked up. And I'm fine now because I'm on medication. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I get a lot of shit for helping people that are a little bit wacky. But God damn, every single thing about you is absolutely hilarious. Thank you. You're an undeniable force. And with that said, you are the newest golden takeout winner here on

weighted, marked, marked, marked. Wave to these people. Take a bow. They love you.

Amazing. From the golden arches. That's right. So the golden ticket. Right now he's in the

By the way, if there's a comedian out there that wants to talk shit about how many

special needs people I help out. I'd love to let you do a minute and then him do a minute. We'll see who's funnier. Set up talking shit online. Come on. Come challenge one of these guys. I love it. Funny throughout the entire thing. Sometimes I'm just asking questions waiting for him to not be funny in every time I'm like fuck. Son of a bitch. But that guy is fucking hilarious.

“By the way, you have to watch them try to kill I belber and Jim Nord. It's amazing.”

It's not YouTube. Okay, yeah. All right. Thank you. Go watch it now. Turn off this episode and go watch an old episode of Opie and Anthony everybody. It's a real hoot if you were alive in the 70s. Anyway. All right. Let's keep it going. I love I loved when you were like a lot of people give me shit about helping up fuck up people. Yeah. It's like no, I'm fine. Something great. Good to show you until the end.

I'm really not want to like I want to trip. I feel like we should all go to salty and sweet. Just show up there. Oh, man. Shock the world. Do the frog jump. See which one of our frog's wins? Sounds like it sounds like a lot of fun, actually. Hello there. This episode of Keltoni is brought to you

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gentlemen goes by the name of George S.C. Lee. George S.C. Lee. Hello comedy mothership one day after mother's day. Daddy's home. It is I ugly Ryan Gosling. Your last comic was a dream come true. Here comes the nightmare. And I just got back from the retard strangling competition. And boy is my neck sore.

My name is George and if I look weird or creepy, it's because I am. I'm an Arab man, even though I look like a Mexican woman. Every cartel member has a picture of me and they're wallet that says do it for her. I want the bear. Okay, you got a George Howard. Give me the bear. George, how are you? Okay. There you go. All right, red band again. You played into that. But okay.

Hi, George. How are you? Hello Anthony. How are you tonight? Great. I'm great. Relax. Take a breath for a second. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up George? 10 years.

“Where at? Canada. What part of Canada? Montreal. Wow. Amazing. And what type of Arab are you?”

Lebanese. Okay. Yeah, how baby. Okay. I love it. What do you do for work, George? I'm in between bushes right now, Anthony. Oh, what is that? I live in a bush and I drink the breast milk of lost pests. Some of you are crazier than the last guy.

Amazing. Please. No loud noises. I'm autistic.

I think he's one of the voicels. Oh, wow. Last place. Retort strangling competition. All right, George. Let people talk a little bit. You're being a little little. Little wild over here. Oh, wow. Okay. Thanks. So, George, you've been doing it 10 years. Tell us more about your life.

“What else is going on? What have you done this entire time? How old are you?”

I'm 29. Okay. No, you're not. You're definitely not George. I'm 50 and four head years. Okay. What are you in a real life? What? Okay. I'm a stand-up comedian. How old are you? 29? No, you're not. They took my ID, Anthony. Are you real? Are you really 29? I'm 29.

I started stand-up when I was 19. This is the result. Wow, that's incredible. Holy shit. Amazing.

That's right. You're born in Montreal? Ottawa, Ontario, baby. Right. Absolutely amazing. And let's check him with Chris O'Connor here. It's just hard to go from real weird to fake weird. Yeah, it is. You know what I mean? I'm with you. We had the genuine article up here. Oh, yeah. The real deal. How he's inventing retard strangling crap sucks. It is true. Martin Maloe is very tough. It is a very tough follow. Thanks. Yeah. Sorry. Not his true. First place.

Is that mean I'm retarded or getting strangled? I don't know. It's really. We're old. This guy knows. George, any other fun facts about your life that we might find interesting? Well, I got my dick so that a glory hole and they used to have sex with prostitutes.

Okay. All right. See, I would have never guessed that.

“I'm an open book. Are you? Yeah. What is it? A coloring book?”

George, what made you stop hooking up with prostitutes? I have a girlfriend now, Anthony. Where'd you meet this girl at? Montreal at a comedy show. She came up to you after the show and said what? I love you. Wow. Straight to love. Amazing George. Here's a medium-sized joke book buddy. Oh, very good. All right. There he goes. Hey, George. That's so he everybody. We're going to keep it moving along.

That goes George, everyone. We have a golden ticket winner. All right. See back there? Got cold. I mean, there you go. All right, sweet. We have a golden ticket winner that you know that has done many one-minute sets. We found him here in the great state of Texas many years ago. And now he's a full-time comedian. Makes it annoying. This is the return of the great Enrique Chicone everybody. Enrique is back.

I had a bad dick there the other day. You ever disappoint your girl so much. You have a bad dick there that you enroll into college? I had a bad dick there. I had to clean the whole house, bro. My dick was so bad, man. I had to call up a friend and they told me to go to the gas station

I realized is that everybody there knows that my dick doesn't work. So I'm choosing the boner pills and there's no ingredients. Now I've got to choose the boner pill based on the animal and the explosion behind it. I found one that said the vanilla gorilla bro. I'm like if I take this shit am I gonna start fucking like brawl listener and break all my cue furniture? I found one that said the black mamba. I'm like if I take this shit am I gonna start fucking like Colby Bryant

unconsciously? I found a third one. It was the strongest looking animal. I said the black

wine. No I took that shit. I thought I was gonna take my girl to a safari. But now I'm in either going through the urge to get my horror. It would've stopped beating. Share there's bad dick out there but have you ever had dick that financially disables your family? Because that's way worse anyways but that's been my minute thank y'all. Enrique chocone with a whole minute on dick pills. Yes sir. How you doing Tony? Fantastic. Is that true do you binge eating dick pills? Well sometimes Tony

you just don't feel a little too confident. You know I don't have a blues to chew sponsor whatever

“the fuck you should be doing yeah you should be doing blue chew those gas station boner pills are”

unregulated and absolutely you know they could be anything. You don't know what you're getting and there a lot of them are made in the bathtubs of immigrants. Whoa Tony too. Talk to you to buy immigrants. I mean you know. I felt like I was dying and I was scared from my dick was hard bro you know I only needed like 10 minutes to just like satisfy my girl you know and get all

with my life and drop out of college again you know that's all I needed. You should never get

boner pills at the same place you get lottery tickets. Yeah you should try blue chew and they have the new blue chew gold which actually activates chemicals in your brain and also the physical aspect so you actually enjoy it more and your partner will enjoy it more use the promo code killed Tony and we love blue chew. Well thank you to hook it up Tony hook it the fuck up man you know help me help my relationship I do don't want to marry this girl one day bro I got a fucking

put out. So what's going on is she is she complaining a little bit like Enrique and what do I know you come a little too fast bro what can you do but like make peanut butter sandwiches afterwards you know how fast are we talking one pump you just throw it in there and just nut right away. I mean bro come on at least give me like eight pumps you know and like a few loud grunts bro but it was something like that you know fuck you dude shut the fuck up. This is some personal

shit that I'll tell you bro you know what's that what's going on eight pumps you know what I didn't

“I don't really go to the gym bro but I was building a gold fence you know and you should legs a lot”

out living the country man with the fuck is wrong with y'all bro you don't build your own fucking fences dude I had a fucking huge ass log bro I'm lifting these logs bro my legs are weak and whenever I do work out my legs bro don't judge me man whenever I do work out my legs so you know then I just feel like you know I don't get as hard bro so fuck you Connor fuck with the fuck dude I was just a fucking bro table bro with the fuck yeah that's how bro's talk yeah that's how bro's talk

I didn't have a hard heart I used little of a bitch I started fucking goats or something whether it goats story I'm a country boy now man I live out in a seven acre farm where my girl bro and I need to have kids do this a lot of fucking chores man I'm getting baby fever bro this a lot of work I think baby fever might be the fourth disease on your list of what's wrong

with you sweating a lot tonight you've always been a sweater seems a little bit worse than normal I'm

watching a giant drip coming down your forehead right now in real time it's crazy when I fuck it feels like it's a fucking water bit afterwards you know all eight pumps you son of a bitch yeah you do any foreplay at all before you do the pump in like yeah I always try to make the

“girl come a few times before I even put my dick in her sure I believe that yeah fucking there's”

a human in the world I told you about my barber shop tell us tell us through the process why do you teach let's do our hell now senior foreplay course on the Brian red band so on Amazon there's just three dick of Dildo collections one smaller bigger and once crazy they're all black it's called the barber shop I highly recommend it so what do you do with these you're just saying other things that do the job that's supposed to be using the fucking eating and fucking eating

while while with the Dildo yes and then eventually you take your feet like I can't take it anymore

that sounds like rape this is the advice of black Dildo's and golden blue to the right that's how

you make a baby you just take a black Dildo and just keep jamming it and then this is gonna fucking save my relationship yeah this is great and when she's crying just say red band told me to do that it's kind of weird man I'm not gonna even mention ribbon imagine she's coming on I'm like red band fucking said hello now and I'm not gonna fucking do that really doing it to it but yeah yeah that and I guess I have a white mother in law now you know she came to visit my

girls have black have white you know really yeah thank gosh you got a black booty you know

it was been into black bitches you know wow and yeah so but it's not a regular white lady like

Matt's maybe maybe Matt you know it's like a Alabama white lady dude like she doesn't make

“muffins or anything like she catches cats you know that's what she does okay yeah so”

my mom is way cooler than your girls mom and she's Mexican that's right fuck yeah in Reke a fun set get it together but get that deck hard and do better I do help me out with the blue tube man I'll be fucking hard next time bro absolutely that's get let's get in Reke some blue tube on his way are we have some on the other side of the person there he goes in Reke check on everybody back to the bucket we go absolutely do for

our people here we get your deck hard this is Kill Tony makes it clear next the bucket cool he goes by the name of Greg McHowan everybody we're gonna be Greg all together now what's going on Austin so oh so a lot's been going on in my life recently I started dating this new girl she's actually very spontaneous and I speak for a lot of men here when I say we love spontaneous women like she's a type of girl that be like bacon over here real quick and I'll

come over and she'll be like I want you to put my dick in the Cheerios and let me drink the milk

“out of the bowl that's the type of spa lady I like it's the type of spa lady I think it's because like”

my last girl she wasn't really spontaneous it's spontaneous tanias I love her by last of the yeah she was not really spontaneous at all bro she was hell a crazy she was hell a fucking crazy like it's crazy when you find out she's crazy halfway during the game of monopoly very crazy like halfway through the game she will just say stuff that's like passive aggressive to try to hurt me she'll be saying stuff like how you bind up all the horse houses around the board

yet we're playing monopoly in a studio apartment like let that make sense bitch like it shit made no sense the shit made no fucking sense it's fucking crazy especially when she's like all right there you go you want to finish it Greg you close to the end there

“uh no actually like another 30 seconds okay well yeah I'm gonna stop you there all right”

great so let's talk about it this is a girlfriend or just a girl you've been seeing a girlfriend now officially a couple weeks now and she's black yep she's black is spontaneous her name no no no no spontaneous Jenkins widresiva University Alabama no she's pretty fucking cool she's pretty cool she's been like traveling all over the uh the world she's been like friends grease and a lot of other places for it's what is she what is she

a flight attendant no she's actually not a flight attendant she's um she does a lot of work from

home stuff so like basically she gets paid to travel and escort maybe you might be on the

something she might be actually her double life guys what do we think about that did I miss hear that or he say his girlfriend has a dick did you say that this is the hot topic no she doesn't have it and then she puts her dick in the circle yeah and let me drink the milk out of the bowl I'm so glad he said that is just gay enough for demagness to leave our resident home of the raining defending home of phobic champion of the world he's got no eyes

but boy does he have an opinion yeah and he fucks a bowl of cereal it's on accident and baby up was he called his shit this morning I was surprised he found his way out I was like what the fuck man you better fucking respect the

on stand up uh two and a half years all of it here in Austin not all of it here in Austin uh

“Dallas Texas originally yeah what do you do for work what type of a kiosk do you work at for us”

I actually work at the chicken salad chick I actually have the hat for this moment this is great the chicken salad chick yep yep I work there as like a shift leader oh yeah last time I came here I didn't have a job so now I have a job so how's that working on seems like heaven if you're at places with chicken oh yeah it's pretty cool that's like me working at the cock factory you know

I mean it's crazy I'm the only blackout I work there too amazing I can see why that would be they

won't change it is chicken salad right that is the white or version it's the white or version but I bet you get your back in the kitchen they're cutting it up a little bit yeah I do like a lot of different stuff like training a lot of different areas okay like what can you train you train us to make a great chicken salad bring y'all to make a great chicken we know ingredients right now go ahead name them all shit how how do you do it um basically uh cut up the chicken and stuff like that

and uh mix it in with a lot of different ingredients they have like their own recipes for like how about your own when you're making your own chicken and I'm making one something crazy you throw in there his dick there we go how did you know you said it in your joke there you go there you go what's the wildest thing you ever put in your chicken salad in my chicken salad I'm not a chicken salad eater actually I just worked there okay that makes sense I could see why that would be you

get chicken salad once oh you're on your sandwich diet I forgot chicken's awesome redband is

“losing weight by exclusively eating sandwiches that's how unhealthy he was before I'm not kidding”

by the way sounds like a joke I'm not kidding am I kidding nope I'm being dead serious he ate so one healthy before that eating exclusively sandwiches he's shedding pounds it's unbelievable

so I wish it it's amazing yeah totally that totally worked back then that wasn't false advertising

whatsoever that Jared guy was super honest you can trust him with your anything I love it Greg Macauan what's the you ever gotten in trouble with the law oh why do you ask Tony I've asked everybody that specifically me the I've been asking everybody all night oh shit let me think let me think um I so I got caught still a wee before oh wow in Dallas yeah and by the police yep by the police how did they catch you how did they catch you was it a sting up oh no no they just profiled me

“they literally just profiled me there was like yeah he's a young black guy walking back like I was”

walking from the bus stop with a backpack on he was like yeah you mastered description yeah and he's like you got me yeah you caught me black handed yeah literally got damn how much we did you have on you fall apart I don't need the extra I don't want to disclose that I don't yes why is the case still open it's not still open it's like it's been like dropped in shit so you don't want them to pick up you don't want them to spontaneously pick it back up watch this

and be like yeah you know it comes back to light yeah it's like it's like here's that so many criminals are caught here being pulled out of the bucket on kill Tony caught many of people great you got a girlfriend right now what's your love life like oh yeah I got a girlfriend like I say oh that's real okay so it's a couple weeks where'd you meet her at oh man are you an Austin where are you an Austin bar on six street just a random bar just a random

and there you were did you go up to her she come up to you oh when up to her would you say was

your big opening line oh fuck your cereal yeah like like that was my second line the first

line was like what are you drinking so like I before I know to put my dick in now I want to know exactly what it is I'm putting my dick in and so cocoa puffs is it a black girl or a white girl yeah it's a black girl okay it she a little thicker slim slim slim so I'm built she works out and stuff okay very good what does she do for work uh right now she actually left Austin to go to Chicago she just went to Chicago and uh basically now she works out like a maria okay yeah she

that's just like fine a job so in Chicago yeah in Chicago now pretty good like a couple days now so I'm I'm with you Chris I'm pretty sure we're we're realizing before yeah we're still together

time is tough nice do you guys ever have a phone sex wall face timing oh yeah you do yeah yeah do now

“when you're when you're having supposed like face time sex what how do you do that do you like”

I have a bowl of cereal with me no seriously you like hold it in one hand well yeah hold the bowl in one hand alright let's take the cereal out of it you love it oh no you love a good fucking cereal joke but in real life because I find that to be very interesting right that's a hard it's hard to hold a phone how do you do it do you have any special ways to uh you just got a whole different like different angles bra like you got to catch everything right you understand

that you're dealing with the front camera so you got to get it from like here and then you got to like sideways so it like it looks bigger on the way do you really think you're gonna stay

“together I can't entertain that is crazy we both love food in cereal but yes I believe we're”

definitely gonna move to Chicago you work at a chicken salad place yeah you met at a bar on six she works at a Mary on yeah he even agreed with you how'd you end up with an Irish last name huh how did I yeah I have no idea bro you're gonna add that as my dad on that price literally named me after himself he price stole it like right whoa he probably stole it and gave it to me to like you know to get away from my friend here's a medium sized joke book grade

thank you so much for coming on we're gonna keep it moving you got to keep rolling here all right there we got a big one there he goes all right grades

“give back the big one all right there's the lovely hidey everybody”

all right make some ice cream next bucket poll everybody it's a Luke stamp everyone here comes Luke stamp my father taught me to carry a rubber on me at all times because it helps make women feel safe

and I never know what I'm gonna need it but I feel like I'm doing something wrong because anytime

I pull out my rubber women don't feel safe at all so say you say meet you like right here right now and I take you home like I plan on doing you know we're getting hot and heavy it's time for me to pull out my rubber I just tell you if you don't stick my fucking cock in your mouth right now bitch I swear to Christ you don't put my pee pee in your pie hole whore I need you to please I need you to do this for me I love you you're acting too much like you're my oh god damn

sir I got bad news for you now you got to stick my cock in your mouth do you have a gap in your teeth I don't know well for the joke it hit you yeah you don't have the gap you do I can make one and I need the gap I love the gap because I got a vein on the side of my cock it looks like if your thumb had a pinky grown down the side of it and I want that vein to nestle in the gap in your teeth like a chalky on a side all right Luke

all right we hit the time limit there wow can you hand me my career back please my goodness

Luke welcome to the show I've never seen a guy that looks like a rapist that rapes rapists

I am doing the Lord's work yeah let's some kind of superhero that when he finds a rap happening you get behind the rapist and absolutely raw dog him until he's crying and I've followed exactly bludgeon screaming that he'll never rap again he's the texture of rapist yeah he genuinely looks like a far side cartoon yeah he's incredible you're very cartoony Luke how long you've been on stand up uh going on six years now how old are you uh who I'm 29 there's no

fucking way you're 29 there's no way you're 29 I just turned 29 a few weeks ago oh my fucking god what is happening in this world he is he to that is been a long rough hard life what's been going on with you what is the last I mean in Jesus you couldn't know look like this when you were 20 what happened I've looked like this since I was 18 why how a lot of drugs and alcohol okay what kind of drugs

cocaine alcohol pills love but I will be two years sober this month okay congratulations amazing

fester in my own anger in my own apartment wow incredible you live by yourself that I do amazing

“studio apartment studio apartment well cement floors I've broken three bottles of hot sauce oh damn”

I get I put the put the hot sauce on eggs and I get too excited to eat them and then the bottle falls out of my hand when I go to the fridge can't even imagine the just shut up oh just son of a bitch yeah oh it's it's brutal every time I've spent it's like 15 dollars in hot sauce I've so when the police come over and see a bunch of red stains on your floor you go it's just hot sauce promise it's just hot sauce incredible and there's a bunch of rubber bands on the floor is I'm just

working on my material yeah I'm a path comic amazing and what can people win if we were to go

to your studio apartment what are on the walls of this studio on the walls yeah I feel like there's no windows in your place there there's one window but there's a bunch of homeless people

“screaming outside of it all the time amazing yeah just like pictures pictures of what just my own show”

posters oh okay yeah nothing else no pictures of any humans that you've taken no I actually I do my friend I do collect pictures from goodwill that just are other people okay and I buy the frames and then I hang them up wow and then I make up stories for them like you know if people come over to my house they're like who's that it was like oh that was my cousin Kathy she died in a horrific accident right wow you are a funny interesting guy Luke amazing what do you do for

work what do I do for work I've actually been fired from every job I've ever had so I started my own company and I clean people's cars you clean people's cars yeah make them clean you you go to them I drive to them yeah when I go everything I need fits in my trunk and making it work somehow amazing is your car clean no my cars destroyed I go on the road like so I live in my car I don't actually live in my car but going on the road there's just not people like Keith Ray like

you know oh that big yeah yeah that's crazy what's your love life like Luke what is uh I was born to walk this earth alone I am married to the game if you will and the game is magic the gathering no I don't play that nerd shit no fucking I love it when's the last time you were with a woman when is the last time I did like a month or so ago okay all right that's okay so what happened a month ago take us through it exactly how did you meet this

person how did I meet this person she just saw me on this show oh before and then she's like oh

“that was funny I was like let's make out like teenagers in the parking lot okay and that's what you”

did yeah you made up in a parking lot yeah she didn't take her to your place I was on the road so I didn't have a place to take her to I was saying up my friend's house with uh the bunch of children in the house and I didn't want to subject the kids to my to my noises if you will uh Uncle Luke's breaking hot sauce again in the picture amazing Luke have you ever gotten in trouble with the law have you ever been put in? I mean I've been handcuffed several times like underage

drinking charges but I I drove drunk every day for like six years and they never caught me it was

amazing wow yeah what was your trick to being such a great drunk driver cocaine oh okay yeah that'll do it lots and lots of cocaine a scary amount of cocaine even for people that did cocaine amazing you know I've never done it how would you describe that to people uh it's it kind of feels like you know what it feels like whenever you wake up Christmas morning when you're a kid and you find out Santa's already dropped off the presents you get like a nice warm feeling like that and how long

is that last for? 10 10 minutes yeah amazing and then it's time for Santa to visit again uh it's funny Luke you have a big joke book already oh yes mad I drove them what's up oh no nothing oh okay um you already got one yeah there you go Luke's damn everybody thank you guys I need that we're gonna keep moving oh he really needs the rubber band I don't want that can possibly buy a 1000 pack off Amazon for three dollars right now

huh it's this is real as it gets people next semester your next bucket bull air everybody it's

“Eric I'm all air it's often been said that you're better off being born black than gay”

because at least you don't have to tell your parents but here's who do have to tell their parents the ugly white bitches who are fucking them Chelsea handler and to those people in the year 2026 who are still opposed to their white daughter's dating black men I have this to say I agree with you because I'm opposed to reversing evolution that's right these ugly white bitches are ruining the DNA of the world's greatest athletes and in doing so they're ruining the future

of professional sports because future generations may not get to see a man jump from the free throw line and dunk in somebody's fucking face because there won't be any real black people left at some point instead there'll be a whole court full of Seth Curry looking mother fuckers who have to shoot pull-up threes from half court because they have no game above the rim so ugly white bitches keep your hands off our black people

find somebody else to make you a single mom I'm Eric Blair Eric Blair some punched up hate speech there welcome to the show my friend this is your first time

“here yeah Chris yeah I think you just really cares about basketball it seems like a big fan yeah”

that that wasn't racist at all welcome thank you how do you feel feels great how long you've been on stand up it's by first time wow it's first time how old are you Eric don't say 29 please for the love of God anything but 29 if you want perfect that's an acceptable answer what made you want to start stand up now here

this show yeah just keep became a fan about a year ago and like you know I never really cared

about stand up that much until I saw this show and said hey this shit is for me so hell yeah and here you are you're very first time what what's different what what is uh is this how you envisioned it I'm sure a lot of people out there watching probably think about signing up eventually or trying it explain from your perspective a fan of a year here you are what's out of the ordinary

“what stands out to you I mean honestly it's only my second time to come to the bucket poll”

but I mean I've been in this room before for other stuff and to see a show it's just well I think I mean I think this is the savory in the like the main stuff happened yeah but this is the room where the main stuff happened yeah this is it yeah I've been in here like we're at the mother ship right right no I mean it's just it feels fucking awesome to be standing here watching this show on

YouTube every Monday and then like being sitting you know standing here now it's fucking amazing

somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head because they were expecting a better answer than that about how you envisioned it and how it's different is there anything different than how you picture that the lights are not as bright as I expect because so many people here were sunglasses so I was like shit the lights and see really the ball cap is what does that though your eyes are protected by the the coverage Eric what do you do for work I'm a lawyer no way yeah really for like

bikers or something no I mean I would be if they paid me I mean whoever's got the fucking money what kind of law are you into litigation okay how long you been doing that 20 years now how you do that where here in Austin okay you how long have you lived here once you see undergrad

it came went off to law school it came back and so I've been here since about 2011 amazing

what's your love life like um you know I went through a long period where Pussy was kind of controlling my life and you know it's just kind of like wanting to do other stuff now one of the reasons I wanted to do this you know it's like a better outlet and cheaper yes it's free right I don't have to pay for fucking dinners that red ash and shit exactly right that's a real good point is dinners add up um Eric what do you do for fun you have any hobbies or anything like yeah so I love playing poker

cool hold on I gotta check in with Chris sometimes he just starts cracking up and I put no whole new patina on the stop fucking black dudes but I'm sorry were you losing out to black dudes all the time no no I don't I don't fuck the ugly bitch let's see that was about the ugly bitch oh look at this guy he's described order in the court amazing so Eric so like the last woman

burned out with it you know it's just like can you talk up more detail about what burnt shot exactly

“other than the spending money on dinner spending money you know cycling through a bunch of chicks”

are just redoing this unlike dating sites and stuff yeah online dating yeah absolutely what's the worst online date you ever went on is there one that really stands out to you where you're like God I fucked up there is yeah so uh meta check online showed up at 24 diner saw a chick standing outside who I knew was her she looked like she was in some kind of like church dress this is like July 4th weekend right it's in what like a church dress like gone leaves and church dress it's

July 4 yeah hot scorching and so I was like and she looks kind of fucking fat too uh uh and not too great looking you know like filters and showing the pictures saying it's gonna be a hell of a restaurant bill it's gonna it's gonna well went from red ash to fat ass this is 24 diners so not so much

“but right anyway as I got to looking at her I'm like holy fuck she's in a maternity dress”

so the bitch was pregnant oh shit that's hot yeah well now you know you're paying for two restaurant bells not not not for me but um anyway it's all like what the fuck am I gonna do like I

don't want to see her wait for 30 minutes to get a table with the spits so basically I look for

an escape route right so I saw the bus boys going out the back door and I'm like hey I have to go to the bathroom so I will act like I went to the bathroom and escape so was this let me go ahead mad at her so you're on a date with a pregnant woman and then you aborted okay absolutely absolutely I'm pro choice when it comes to those dates yeah you're choice yeah actually mandatory abortion at that point so let me ask you this did anyone come over to take your drink order when by the time

“that you decided I already decided to get up and leave it was brunch so no one came over but yeah”

is brunch what does that mean like it was like a buffet or something it was just like it was like early so it wasn't really like you know but you guys hadn't put an order in no yeah no right waiting for the table yes you were just waiting for the table and then you went out the back door right wow wow don't do that don't do that that will set up the copy right things we literally can't play any music anymore sick of giving fucking CBS our money all right whoever owns the

people's court like there's a thing on out with YouTube they've robots controlling you can't do anything anymore anyway we might need you to litigate for us amazing so you got kind of catfish and you weren't having it see we're out that's interesting that a pregnant woman would do that yeah and it was like second trimester too this wasn't like a little pregnant it's wow incredible so that wasn't hot at all to you like you didn't think like maybe I could get that pregnant a bit absolutely

not yes fucking disgusting she was about the first it's never it's never good when a hand comes

uh in the baby's hands like check please okay let's do this before I let you go how about the best online date you ever had what was just a fucking absolute wow that was unbelievable feel like I got the same story well I went out with a chick to Jay Carver's great restaurant here in town yes um sitting next to the bar she said hey do you mind if you go back to your place right I was like sure yeah turns out she wasn't wearing panties so I put her up on the bar

and put on at Jay Carver no at my place you have a bar at your place yeah like you know the bar in the kitchen so we wrote the counter yeah got it big difference there but yeah okay the counter yeah anyway you're posting in fuck the shit out of her like within one hour so it was a great day amazing look at that you talk you didn't even have to bust out your triple dill dill dill set like red band that's a very hard workshop he used his fingers and his mouth like an adult only one time

with that girl you know I went out with her for a little while she was she was a little crazy so of course yeah did her water break yeah yeah yeah this was impressive so amazing was the pregnant one of your time no no she wasn't surprisingly incredible yeah that's kind of amazing alright well fun times Eric even though it was your first time in the set was interesting it was good enough from a first set or in yourself a big joke book my friend Eric Blair congratulations

first time doing stand up for a million people isn't that interesting you guys have been fun still

makes a nice hair next bucket pull ladies and gentlemen it's Ty Randall here comes Ty Randall

it's very violent in Baltimore down here it's just like domestic violence so it's cool

“Baltimore gangster's hell but I can't be a gangster because I'm ticklish”

yeah we're trying to hold somebody up I'll give me all your mouth chill yeah oh chill yeah I knew I wasn't a gangster because I got in a shootout one time and I had dark flip flaps on you have a bit of running for your life with dark flip flaps I thought the shootout lasted 20 minutes longer because of my heels was clapping down the street all right that's one by the fuck a tie boom great set Ty Randall you've been on before correct

yes I remember you very funny man welcome back another good set how do you feel I feel great my thank you again of course absolutely how do you tie I'm 37 perfect amazing you don't look a day over 29 remind us Ty how long you've been on stand up I've been on stand up for two years

“I just turned 37 this year perfect that's how it goes yes you believe it or not you're going to”

turn 38 next year 39 the year after that it is crazy it never stops it just keeps going up

I know but I know I'm getting old now because I like watched the prices right and I want to be like damn nice and nice for first rate I'm with you actually I've been watching old episodes and I talk about this recently yeah I've been watching old episodes of the prices right on on YouTube Bob Barker was the absolute man yeah it was very very very racist he hated he also hated ugly women this so like it's it's absolutely incredible I mean I think everybody hates

ugly women's own yeah but this guy was like putting on a show for all of America in front of tens of millions of people back when there was only three channels and if there was a hot chick

I don't know if you remember this he would do this thing where he'd kiss them on the cheek and

did both cheeks if they're like real hot one cheek if they're like in a seven or eight and then I swear to God sometimes a fucking ugly woman would win the thing and they'd come out. So when you want rap this up like you working on my time that's very funny that was just getting to it it's crazy because obviously the punch line was right around the corner and then you had to interject to try to have this cool viral moment for your stupid Instagram page and then

“you got a buddy that's how it works congratulations you did it you fucking asshole piece of shit”

yeah who could have guessed that the punch line was right around the corner there we've been doing it a long time I bet you knew that it was right there but you had your one chance to do it it is your show now I know I know it's been working the whole god damn time go ahead mad I'd go I want to know the punch line was it that they he shook her hand oh not only that but literally he was there was there's times where he's literally running away like this just like

like people yeah exactly I mean just running for his life he'd also didn't like dudes on the show cause he knew that dudes wouldn't keep the viewers he's like I want hot chicks you can tell that the thing kind of swayes towards hot chicks I mean they're not pulling names out of a bug again I mean I guess are you alright yeah okay yeah we're just talking about the right so sometimes we talk about things you want you bad that it's not about you the whole time

yeah just a little bit but I started documenting you what documentary I saw I saw it it was on Netflix you were just on Netflix wow wait have you visited a Santa up and visiting your place like a little bright eyed bushy tailed all about you over here scat Williams mother fucker tie what's the quality about you that we haven't heard about since you want to talk about yourself so much we can't talk about the prices right for twenty fucking seconds without you turning into an

ignorant little baby go ahead take over pal not as well so you have your mother's data other mothers and shit wow what about fathers how do you feel about father today I know my dad I know my dad now look at your I just wish he get deported though I ain't gonna lie to you from San Alicia he got a net it shirt for every holiday he got a what net it shirt for every holiday he came up here one winner what a long sleeve net it shirt not it open to net it net it net it net it

net it yes net it sure yes you know it's bad when the Asian woman is translating net it sure

fun tell us noted shirt the first three yeah pretty positive yeah well he wasn't even close

“net it sure yeah he started off so good yeah it did it's a shame it's just not to get to that”

prices right thing and it's just a fun fact little something to go on a YouTube rabbit hole on then there was something else well there's the other thing racist for sure disgusted by black people I mean there was a different time when you could actually just show how you felt anyway I'm kidding tie you already have a big joke book right yes a perfect there you go sign up again sometime we'll see you again soon there goes tie ran around everybody we're going to keep

it moving along you're next bucket bulls damn it can come on down damn it's real trap shit

“you don't hear their traps this is not a true exclusive damn son weird you find this”

guys have heard download rap music legally in the 90s I wanted to sing a song for you guys real quick this is dedicated to the man in the sky will they open up the gates for Bill Gates will they open up the gates shut your mouth get back in line don't you dare all right Jesus Christ fuck this is not the skits of ferning performer from tonight somehow amazing David

hello how are you is this your first time on the show hell yeah how long you've been doing

“whatever it is that that just was I've played music for a living for a long time but I've been”

doing stand up for about a year and trying to combine them for a shorter period what made you want to start stand up a year go exactly what exactly wasn't about stand up are you to it

I've always been the class clown as a kid and I feel like I've always told myself I would get into it

but I'm I'm 36 years old and I'm like shit if I'm not going to do it now like I'm probably lying to myself and I'm never going to do it so I moved down here how's the band going it's been going great I love it I've been doing mics every day and I got to do the mothership mic last year and I went pretty well okay I guess what were you doing musically before I still play music for a living all the time like around town and you play

his music guitar and you sang yeah and not the billgate song I do like covers of like Bruno Mars and stuff right nobody pays me for the the billgate song yet that makes sense

you exclusively make money playing music I do okay yeah amazing where do you play around here

whatever I play at the edge rooftop on the maria I played at the culinary dropout in the domain playing like a 17 year old birthday party what weekend a lot of maria references the episode yeah a lot of we thought yeah anyway um amazing what's the coolest thing that's ever happened to you while playing live music um I didn't arena tour internationally around Europe in 2019 and one of the guys in the band was an Elvis bandmate he did a thousand concerts with

Elvis so I have a mutual bandmate with Elvis Presley for about three months in tour around Europe with that that's cool how'd you end up doing arena what is that tour they found me on the internet believe it or not I have one of the largest vocal ranges of anybody alive great let's hear it you can find it okay what's your highest and let's start your highest and go to your lowest

okay you're amazing that is a vocal range good job keynote on the lights there

I'm amazing was that good I mean nobody really cares about having a vocal range you know

well I mean I could belt something out but I was trying to do a whistle tone there's a video

“me doing some really nice area on the ground a whistle tone if you look me up on the internet the”

people make can't do it now do it now. I mean I didn't warm up my wrist with that jump a bass it takes me like an hour to warm that up that makes sense I could see how that would be David Khan what else about your life tell us more fun facts about your life that we might find interesting what's sans you apart from everybody else I grew up as a big skater guy I still skateboard a lot love it what else what else um anytime people's answers something

on board I live in a van full time I've done that for seven years I've traveled from Canada all the way

I've driven to San Cabo San Lucas that's pretty scary I almost got arrested by the police and had to bribe them a couple times yeah they do that yeah max I got right yep 28 bucks is it going

“right Wow he didn't sing him a song no I'm trying not to go to gym okay David Khan how about your”

love life what's that like uh it's a failure right now I was dating this girl I actually had a joke I was thinking about coming in and doing stand up but I'm like maybe I should just sing a song because I was like you're gonna look at me as the singer now from now on but really I'm trying to

do stand up too but I have a joke about a girl I'm saying I'm seeing why don't you do it like you

would have done it okay all right instead of the shit dog shit I appreciate it thank you so I was eating out this girl I'm dating as of recently and she doesn't shave which is fine but uh I ran into an issue when I was chewing a piece of gum he word was so it became this game of me trying to keep her right under organism organism where she's just about to be distracted enough where I can extract these pieces of gum from her bush and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for her

overly curious dog we've ever seen one of those before I play more music I'm sorry all right David fun times keep practicing and working out it here's a little joke book for now that goes David Con we're gonna keep it moving gotta keep moving woo some interesting ones so far for those of you keeping track it is the schizophrenic old man that absolutely stole the night from all these artists that signed up here tonight let's see where we go from here makes a noise for a will

from Miami it's will from Miami is his name behold four inches everybody take perspective it's a small cock sure it's a huge monster cockroach that's for instance to fear in the bedroom when you see when you're not sure whether to feel worse that you're truly living and filled or that it's mugging you so badly as you do don't ask how I know all right I happen to know a lot of shit and based on the shit then I know Dubai chocolate sounds disgusting it doesn't sound delicious at all

it doesn't help that it's green either anyway people ask me if I'm gay and I say no but I spend a lot of time with gay guys so I'd be lying if I said none of them ever rubbed off for me you know what I mean

“am I gay I mean I don't know I've heard of bisexual the racer I'm pretty sure that's why”

brain does when I close the pornography tabs before big good night my tweak prints anyway I want to join the military when I was younger but I couldn't in those days apparently Uncle Sam wants you to be an alcoholic but like later when it's the VA's problem not the CEOs anyway so all right Tony he looked very disappointed well I mean the fact that you're looking at me since everything right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah I haven't taken it on the on the road yet you know what I mean so this this like your show you mean yeah I feel like my you know because I've came out here to do it I feel like my jokes obviously you know they're not horrible I mean they could they could do some you know you know your dick has more inches than laughs yeah I got the six inch curly Q cockroach crawling around in my pants is true we have to the forage it got bigger you just get no six I've looked it up there's no

such thing as a six inch cockroach you're right there's only you get it up up to four okay I can't tell where the one joke ends in the other yeah I'm doing my best to check it with Chris I don't know what the fuck he's saying I know I do what he's talking about well that says something that you don't

wired wire just totally incoherent yeah sure nobody understands what the fuck you're talking about

“do I do I sound like I have a speech impediment or something not even it's what you're saying”

that's the craziest part is that you're actually one of the clearest speakers that we've had here up today everything that everything that you're clearly saying particularly retarded I'm sorry now no no we've had retarded people up they fucking killed tonight you can't blame it

on that either you know it's okay it's just not the really the place to be doing your third

or the gets a frenic and the black guy from Baltimore way better yeah way better and then one of them needed a Chinese translator at one point so imagine imagine okay well let's at least find out more about your life funny stuff that you could be talking but obviously you are will from Miami you're from Miami you're unfortunately okay why unfortunately because it's given me this toxic personality that's not enjoyable for people to experience that's the realest thing that you've

said since you got it may I say a little bit to try to redeem myself in your eyes I'm divorced I'm not I don't get any pussy and I'm not you know I'm doing my best I'm not I'm devoid of confidence

“you know I know you I know how you get what you should have said during the minute I know that's”

I think I'm too clever and I don't want to you're not you're not see there you go you're beginning

sliding back and that yeah it's it's an issue that is pervasive you're not I'm not the only one who has this mistaken believe you seem like a nice guy I am no I'm not trying to be defensive I'm just I'm just I'm trying not to kill myself when I go home to don't kill yourself don't tell you I'm trying I'm not the only one who's a fucking loser because it's okay you know it will relax I'm relax stop stop stop are you want to add or all or something right now I don't even know

okay relax take a breath is just relax what was the trip like from Miami I mean I was like cutting off people and driving on the shoulder and doing all these crazy maneuvers and stuff and then and then when I got here someone tried to kill me on the road and I was feeling bad the whole time that I was doing all these maneuvers but then when the guy was trying to kill me I felt I felt like maybe God was preparing me for this sort of dark souls encounter holy shit

that I had I put the first the first the second day that I'm in Austin so you know I'm happy to be alive

today I guess will so let's talk about it how old are you how old are you I'm 32 32 well maybe you want to start stand up now you can you think I don't got anything else going I'm really what have you been doing what do you do for work work you name it up done it sold it but you know I've had every type of bullshit you got to get you got to simpler questions yeah house let me yes there's no question basically you got to go what do you for breakfast

what did you eat what day what day today I didn't need anything until I got the pizza rablo sky damn it I'm drunk as well you know I'm I'm doing my best your drunk well past the threshold you typically allow probably what have you been drinking today just just Vargas since I got over there nothing's you got next door how many do you think you've had did you do the deal with the pitcher it's it's not important how many of it's just the fact that I haven't had anything to eat

and I only drink on Monday's when I come through you only drink on Monday when it's since I've been coming around many times have you signed up for the show ballpark doesn't have any seven six or seven six or seven times and you choose the day that you sign up the only day that you drink is the day that you sign up for a show that I would do my way worse if not I would do way worse that's absolutely impossible I unbelievably impossible I'm I bed been doing this every Monday for 13 years

“Mike okay I'm sorry I apologize yeah that my bad you know what maybe you should tonight maybe”

tonight's the night I should get what it is it's the reverse golden ticket I apologize whatever the opposite of it it's a one way ticket to hell it's a bad habit I got I'm sorry what was the question you it wasn't on this I've been doing these mics and every mic that I've done I totally forgot at least the material and you think because I had a panic attack and you think the drinking helps I got through the material I mean but that's now obviously you know the material

aided me he's like the Woody Allen of Florida I am Jewish I'm half Jewish I you know I do kind

“of get the sense he's got some good ideas in his head he just can't get him out do you have”

another do you have another joke that you didn't do today that my my work did no no if these maybe if these ones didn't work then no way there's some work yeah I mean I I got minutes but they're gonna do as well as as this one how do you know what's funny if you've only done a three time I've been only watching Rodney and and Don Rickles on Johnny Carson for for months an hours that's all I do you've exclusively been watching two of the best can be awake I wake up

and I put like a 3D thing now I'm just gonna yeah so you know I think I got a sense for it but it clearly only so far only it only goes so far I agree much like everyone that is ever worn a dolphin's jersey you took a big loss today well here's a little joke but oh there he goes

“thank you it's okay well just keep trying but you got to practice you got to love it you have to”

enjoy the process do more open Mike's Jesus Christ all right oh my goodness he just did it unbelievable shout out to the Austin police department for taking care of that for us welcome to Texas this is our final bucket poll of the night what a wild what a wild this is like live from Arkham asylum tonight or something like that who knows what's gonna happen next your final bucket poll the night goes by the news looks like a good name it's got good handwriting makes one

nice for Shaz meat me man Shaz me man hello my name is Shaz and I'm from Amsterdam and yes this is what the Dutch look like now now I can see that some of you are looking into my face I want to

“acknowledge that I have a very distinct look I've had this mustache for the past 12 years and in”

these 12 years I have heard hundreds of comments that people have made I've even ranked to them like yesterday this literally happened yesterday I was walking around sixth street and a homeless guy called me a Middle Eastern Mario I was recently in a meeting with a colleague and as soon as I entered the room he said look here comes the Indian monopoly man the best one the best one so far I've

gotten is I matched with a girl on bumble and her first message to me was you look like your dad

fucked up ringles can that was my time you've been a phenomenal audience thank you what a show he dressed the part he curled the mustache a true professional I'm not even used to it guy was just up here in a dolphin jersey three sizes two big and then outcomes a guy it's fucking a at least ready for the occasion a proper tire quite the gentleman I matched looks like he'd build the world trade centers just to break them down again hey can I say I am originally

from Pakistan wow tell us something we don't know amazing shots welcome welcome see you're 100

percent Pakistani oh yes amazing absolutely yeah it only works that way there's no focus there's no dream on greens coming into Pakistan met muddy and up the water just you know all right Shaz I love it how old are you hold him I 33 33 great Shaz he's gonna work at a Mario jokes were great Shaz how long you been on stand up just about two years two years we're at and I'm so I'm yeah awesome what made you start two years ago I was partying a lot and I was like I need

to stop yeah I was stuck into the partying situation you were doing a little cocaine huh

I can't imagine what that must look like when it's covered in white oh you know amazing so

a lot of partying yeah how'd you end up in Amsterdam so originally from Pakistan from Pakistan around ten years ago I moved to Australia I studied there then around seven years ago or eight years

you unfortunately yes that's fantastic what are your parents think about you doing stand up

“comedy what are the Pakistanis think about you doing stand up Pakistanis I don't know my parents”

well they're okay with it they like it they don't understand a lot of it but they're still in Pakistan

they're still in Pakistan amazing amazing amazing and you're a smart guy where did you get a

school university of Sydney Sydney Australia yes amazing you're so worldly tell us about your travels what do you love or hate about certain places oh like Amsterdam for example if I talk about Amsterdam everyone here just thinks it's about weed and prostitutes it's not there's so much more to it cocaine try the cocaine please try the cocaine oh yeah oh oh oh yeah Chris O'Connor did you live close to bin Laden actually no I'm in the south and bin Laden was sort of in the north they're like

“rival high school the browns versus the browns and a battle of tight tower one versus tower two”

amazing shaz I love it you got a girl up in Amsterdam no I'm not dating because comedy I do

nine to five work and then five tonight comedy I'm obsessed with it so I travel around Europe and I do a lot of comedy I don't have time to date you don't even have time for girls no just set a curiosity it is the carpet match the drapes are your pubes curled up I'm kidding I'm joking I know I know I know maybe think I don't maybe they are you have a giant bush I know the answer this there's no question about it I'm brown I'm hairy I get it buddy I can't even imagine

where you have going on I mean I'm trying to imagine but I just can't possibly

“shaz what else about your life what are you into you have any hobbies or anything else fun other”

than your obsession with stand up and making vast sums of terrorist money oh well I have there's something interesting about me I must actually as a name it's called Jessica oh why why is it called Jessica I was when I was in Australia I was at a party it was a three-day festival and this is a festival where there's no phone reception 3,000 people and everyone's high on LSD so I was at this festival and a second day of this festival I was walking towards the stage

there was a girl who was also high on LSD she looked at my mustache and she thought this was the

most incredible piece of art she's ever seen her name was Jessica she gave me a sneaky kiss

and at a quest you requested if I could name my mustache after her so I've been calling Jessica for the past ten years now just because she gave you a kiss yes I was desperate let me ask you this let me ask you this shaz if if we got a girl up here to give you a kiss would you change it's the name hundred percent is there a girl out there let's get those red lights up is this your girlfriend shaz I'll let you pick out of all the people with their hands up there seems

to be quite a lot out there her the blonde in the back who would have guessed that he went with one of the not fat chicks in the crowd here she comes everybody I'm sorry you're very sweet you've been amazing there you go have some zippex have some zippex have a sharpie have a little joked bug there you go you have a great spirit but that'd be somehow that would be the lowest point of shit here you go sweetheart wait wait wait wait wait wait one second what's your name

Sabrina you understand shaz that after this if this is a good kiss your mustache from this day forward shall be named Sabrina I don't know if I like the name so we're now okay this is a segment on the show called kiss me where we make dreams come true ladies and gentlemen Sabrina get that mustache like wow amazing hell yeah good job Sabrina thank you Sabrina I bring it you will sit on my face forever wow look at that that is incredible it's amazing you got to

kiss the girl from the hit show the Ozarks here Sabrina where are you visiting from Chicago amazing do you work at the marry hot all right good job there she goes Sabrina here's a

his dick yeah I'm in I'm on my time for she's like her yeah her now I am Muslim and I'm probably

“going to hell now that's what your parents would tell you this was great thank you”

Sabrina shaz congratulations you're a classic guy here's a big caltoni joke book it'll go with your suit matches perfectly that was fun that's a fun way to put a ribbon on the bucket we have one final comedian ladies and gentlemen he is an absolute force of nature he is the newest regular on the show and I got to tell you his momentum is absolutely unbelievable he's truly becoming and has probably become I think everybody's me and red band's favorite comedian makes

noise this is a brand new minute toughest job in the industry to write and perform a brand new set every week on this show he does it unbelievably well this is a freak of nature make some

noises of new minute from the great patto nio everybody oh no no no no no this first one's a

question for the fellas in the room fellas you ever have a girl tell you she's going to give you some sloppy head and think to yourself no shit fatty oh only what you know how hey what can I say folks if love and fact girls is wrong I don't want to be white uh other night at the bar was talking to the girl who described herself as a light skin Latina

“but I think what she really meant was a Spanish retard”

all right that's all right unbelievable unbelievable perfect perfect pat you have such great jokes pat thank you Tony unbelievable my god how's life going buddy yeah good good last week was crazy yeah people messaging me and stuff yeah we'll leave a fellow alone I know it has happened just because he's on the TV now yeah yep you made it pat you're making it you're living the American dream uh how's life changed anything crazy happened uh uh uh not really yeah

I don't know not really just like talking to people you got to do making some merch you got to do you want we're really what's your merch what's I don't know you don't know yet yeah people keep telling me and do and offering it and I'm like I don't know yeah uh funny that talking to people now is new yeah that what talking to people it's crazy yeah talking to not happen it is whole life change yeah talking to people oh yeah talking to people willing to talk to you

“yeah that's what it's got I got it yeah pretty you're a shattering absolutely there really is”

pat you are one of the more frightening looking guys that you've ever had on this show you get to see it every week and every time you come out it makes us all laugh and it's just amazing

I've always said this about you since the first time I've seen you that you look like a fucking

comedian um have you ever looked different did you look different before you started comedy that was a fatty in high school really yeah wow what was going on there I don't know just a lot of ice cream yeah heck yeah divorce parents so my dad would like do the thing where gas is you up with snacks and shit the one day as yeah how'd you lose the weight I just you dad got one day in the custody battle yeah I'm surprised I feel like there's

walking out of that tell us about your parents what were they like how does how does a patoneal come to exist oh no they're the fun people you know what I mean seems like a subject worth a simple folk yeah they still out there they together no no my dad's dead okay

when he died 40 we went over this one to wow we did huh so he would just drink all day every

day yeah yeah okay you got nothing to worry but all right perfect yeah going fine I'm always

checking you notice anytime anybody anything with drinking or smoking I get very very curious perfect amazing how old were you when he died oh like 16 oh wow that's a tough time but that's

“talk comedians are made mm-hmm yep that's how fucking jokes myth like you come on I have one of”

these pussy normal lives right right yeah exactly like having two parents being born and raised

in Miami you know what I mean yeah these people I love it Pat I mean you are just a freak of nature

you bring nothing but absolute cackling laughter to the world and again we couldn't be happier to have you as a full-time regular on the show no real deal Pat oh Neil to end tonight's episode guys how much fun did we have tonight huh this episode brought me by Blue Cheap prize pick

“and Zippex down there you go uh the drawing from Ryan J he bought his in it's amazing let's see”

but Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all giggling away oh Chris so Connor how about her time for the great Chris O'Connor check it out and we're all the Detroit and his podcast stuff island with our dear dear friend Tommy Pope tickets for him on tour Chris O'Connor.com and above one more time for one of my longest best friends mad Edgar everybody he's got a brand new podcast called bomb shelter and that comes out on June 1 so go check that up what's bomb shelter about and like what's

“going on there I interview comedians and live performers like wrestlers and musicians on their”

worst bomb oh I love it we just break it down well you could have booked nine guests tonight after this show I got a whole roster now yeah I mean for Miami he's gonna be the next step one more time for Chris O'Connor in Mad Edgar uh so much fun stuff happening Madison Square Garden coming around the corner in August make sure you get tickets for that if you're ever gonna visit the great city of New York you might as well do it on a weekend in which we are there at the greatest

arena in the world the most famous arena in the world for our third weekend in a row third year

in a row doing MSG absolutely ridiculous in so much fun and it's cousin view the greatest fans on planet earth uh we love you red band guys give a shout out to Tony Hitch Cliff come on guys but yeah I'm doing this guy for so long I'm still happy for we love you guys thank you good night everybody you you

you