Elevate group conversations with a 'magical question'

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“Hey, it's Maria. I think we've all been to a gathering where we were bored”

out of our skulls or were the conversation folks stiff and awkward, where we found ourselves daydreaming about being anywhere else really, but preferably at home tucked into bed. But what about the reverse? The dinner party where people are actually connecting, where folks are interesting and interested, where the room sparkles with possibility. How do we get there? Start by throwing a gathering you

want to attend. Post something that literally makes you giggle, makes you be like, "Yeah, I want to do that." Priya Parker is a conflict resolution facilitator and author of the book The Art of Gathering. In it, she says it's important to be intentional about gathering and to understand why we're actually bringing a particular group of people together. Now, she says the sky's the limit when it

“comes together because most of us are bored with the same old thing. And so when”

you get invited to like Anne's party where she heard like rug that she bought in

Istanbul and her solo vacation post divorce finally arrived and she wants to

like roll it out and is literally like two feet by four feet. It's like a delightful invitation. But there's more to it than that, right? Once you're actually at a gathering, whether you're the host or you're an attendee, how do you make the room sparkly? You might try something Priya calls magical questions. A magical question is a question posed to a group that everybody in that group

would be interested in answering and everyone is interested in hearing each others answers. Priya says we can think of magical questions as conversational door knobs, a way to meaningfully connect with other people without having to

agree or have the same taste or life experiences. On this episode of Life Kit,

what makes a magical question? How to come up with one, how to offer it to a group, and how to decide on your answer. And don't worry, we will give you plenty of examples. Hi, it's Terry Gross, the host of Fresh Air. Catch my interview about the birth of the culture wars. Even breakfast cereals have become part of the

culture wars. Author Isaac Butler takes us back to when the Christian right mobilized against provocative art. Listen to fresh air on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. This week on Shore Wave, working from home is popular. No commute, sweatpants, people who do it say makes them happier. And the data suggests they're probably wrong about that on average at least. We unpack a

new study about the social isolation of remote work and what it means for your help. This week on Shore Wave and PR Science podcast, listen daily on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by skincare advice. Somewhere along the way, skincare got complicated and started to feel like a job. But what products and treatments

will actually lead to healthier skin? Lifekit made a special newsletter series to answer that question. Sign up at NPR.org/skincare or find the link in the description for this episode. Okay, Priya, what makes something a magical question? A magical question is specific. It invites people to not give their opinion

usually, but to give a story. A magical question also complicates the individual. I'm a comic resolution facilitator and one of the things that I've

“learned over many years is, you know, often we try to think that the best way”

to relieve conflict is to try to pretend that a group is the same. And actually one of the best ways to kind of allow for connection is instead to complicate the individual. And so, an example of a question that complicates the individual could be, what are three gifts you would give aliens on behalf of humanity? Mmm, I like that one, right? Or when is the last time you used glitter? When is

the last time you blew up a balloon with your own mouth? What is a favorite

and to, and that often give unexpected answers. Another one, what is a path you

“almost took, but didn't. Take away one, magical questions are interesting to”

everyone in a group. They're specific. They invite people to tell a story and they complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their personality or life experiences. Here's another one, pre-assure it on her Instagram. 100 years from now, there's a saience to conjure your spirit, which three items would they use. To me, this question is interesting because it's fun, but it also acknowledges a

deep, often taboo topic that we're all going to die someday. You might learn that some folks in your group believe in an afterlife and others don't. Also, when people list out their objects, they're telling you what they prize and how they see themselves. What's a good way to follow up on a magical question? Like, how do you use that new knowledge you've learned about someone to deepen the

connection? One of my favorite magical questions to ask is, what was the first

concert you went to and who took you? And I often do this in teams or in large town halls, and immediately you see this like, you know, dozens of answers like Tony Braxton, Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, new kids on the block. And first of all, it helps people feel like it's not just a blob, it's a group of individuals. But second of all, in all group life, when things get hard, when there's conflicts as

“they're inevitably as in all groups, and you know something about somebody, right?”

Like, they went to the same concert I went to. They went to a Tony Braxton concert. How bad can they be? I'm going to pick up the phone and call them. Whether you're in a group of friends, whether you're running a team meeting, whether you're like at an airport and a layover and you're stuck for 12 hours and you're like, are done with your phone. This is like it's a muscle to begin

to be able to help people, meaningfully connect, and then have a jumping off point for all types of other conversations. A lot of what you've described so far, it's somewhat subtle and, um, and casual, right? You just, you bring out the question, but you don't roll out the red carpet first and say, I'm about to ask you all a magical question. Do you ever recommend that though? Like, like, if

you're sitting around at a dinner party or something? As an all of life, read the room. Yeah. There are some places where, like, in some cultures or contexts or friend groups or like the group chat, it's like, y'all, I heard about

this, you know, amazing thing called magical questions. Are you, are you, are you

game? Like, yes, tell me, in other places, if anything that feels formal or like an icebreaker, people are deeply allergic to. And so it's really deeply reading the room, but it's like, it's knowing in your back pocket that you, that you have the skills and it's at skill, anyone can learn anyone can practice to begin to ask. It's really asking, what is this group interested in? What are

the individuals interested in? And at some levels, a deeply generous thing to know how to do, what is interesting with any of these people that you might be able to

“tap into and lock and help them share with the room?”

Take away two is to read the room. This might be a group that would appreciate an icebreaker type prompt, or it might be a group where you've got to be a little more subtle with your questions. Also, consider who's in the group, because again, you want the questions to be relevant to everyone. Here's a prompt pre-a-gave me that'll help you practice coming up with magical questions. Imagine you're

talking to a room full of dentists. What could you ask them? Some ideas? What's a

Halloween candy you love, but would never recommend to your patients? Who has your

favorite smile and why? What do you think is the going rate for the tooth fairy? When was the last time you've lost? And what's your favorite tooth? Say if you can come up with any of your own, or change the prompt, what if you were talking to a bunch of journalists at NPR, or a group of octogenarians? It sounds like what's required is a tunement in presence. Yes, yes. In the art of gathering, I talk a lot

about the role of a host and people think about gathering as a source of connection and meaning and it is. But gathering is also about power. And as a host, you have power. And the role of the host is to practice what I call "generous authority." So, "generous authority" is you have a role if you're going to bring people together to connect them to each other, but also to

protect them from each other. You can get cornered all night by so-and-so when you don't want to be having this conversation or you're running a training and

actually the host abdicating their role. And so another thing, if you're really

going to start getting into these questions, is what are questions that are equalizing? What are questions that everyone might be able to answer? That everyone's going to lean in and wait for the answer, but also be really excited to share their own. Okay, I have one for you. Okay. I went around the table at a mother's day gathering with a bunch of the women in my life and

and my sister-in-law, her family. I was thinking about my own body and therapy, and so I asked everyone, "What is your favorite part of your body?" Oh, I love that. And did you share with them? What you just shared with me, which

“has I had been talking about my body and therapy, did you give it to me?”

I think so, I believe that really matters. That anchors everyone to feel like

this is not performative or controlling. It's from a well of curiosity in your own life. You're inviting them into your question. You're making it a shared question. Right. It's like this is something I think that my therapist might have asked me. And then I was like, "I want to know what other people feel about this." And I loved that hurt. My sister-in-law's grandmother, she said

everything. She loves every part of her body. And I heard of what's so beautiful in that cross-generational intergenerational conversation. Is this older woman is saying something surprising, counterintuitive? Wow, we can have a different story about aging? Wow, it's okay to be a woman and love all parts

“of my body. Wow, what a beautiful question.”

We'll have more life kit after the break. Every episode, if it's been a minute, MPRs, what's happening in culture podcast starts by asking three questions. Who? How? Why now? If the culture's asking it, we're talking about it. At MPR, we stand for your right to be curious and indulge your cultural curiosity. Follow it's been a minute wherever you get

your podcasts. And we'll break down the zeitgeistie topics that are feeling your feed. Well, okay, I want to ask you one. I'm just going to borrow one actually from our show Wildcard. I don't know if you know Wildcard with Rachel Martin. She

basically their team came up with a bunch of magical questions, what you call

magical questions. And it's a card game essentially because she has notable people on and they choose like one, two or three and they turn the card

“around and they answer. And a lot of them, I think, align with how you've”

defined a magical question. But here's one that I'd really like to hear your answer to. Does the idea of an infinite universe excite or scare you? Yes, both. I think the idea of an infinite universe excites me at some level because of its dynamism and it's kind of full of possibility and ability to hold all. But it also scares me or

makes me feel sad because meaning lies in specificity, because power lies within constraints. I went to a beautiful play recently at the public theater called Sumo about the ancient Tyracra art form of Summa wrestling. And in the playwright's letter, she quoted this artist who I have forget his name, but he said art needs an address.

Meaning like it needs a body. It needs, you can't just explore ideas, right? And he's a frame. You explore ideas of masculinity and hierarchy and identity and norms. Through six men in a Sumo den trying to rise to the rings of this art form in a sweaty theater on six Avenue. And so those questions scares me in a sense because

so much of what actually creates meaning and connection specificity is specific and in a moment and doesn't last forever. And so the infinite can sometimes feel like it's overwhelming and that just being in one place is not enough when it actually is. It's actually, it's actually the way through. Yeah, see, I feel like I just learned so much about you by the way you

answered that. What you're interested, but also how you think and for me, I would have just said, it scares me. So I liked hearing the other

people from their answers to magical questions. Look, juryate in that.

Don't just wait for your chance to have the floor. Prius says by the way, there are some magical questions that seem to work in every room. I mean, one of my favorite ones, someone recently said in, when was

“a time you really went all in on celebrating something or someone?”

What did you do and what were you celebrating? Yeah. To me, my favorite phrase in that sentence is all in. You really went all in. Not one is a time you celebrate a someone. When was the time you really went all in? And so even just like talking about a time where we went all in on something gives us the energy and the

memory of going all in on something. Right? You know, I think there's something that

happens when these questions come up. If you're in a group, you're also deciding which answer you want to give, because there are different levels of vulnerability with each answer and also you're wondering, do I want to share this information with this group? How is it going to change the dynamic? How is it going to bring down the vibe? Because my honest answer to that would be

that I went all in on celebrating last year when I finished breast cancer treatment. And my family had a big party and then also I had a big picnic with friends and it was beautiful and it was like something that felt like an accomplishment. I really felt like I saved my own life. You know? And I was willing and interested in letting my community in to that. And just like taking a beat to celebrate because it had been so hard.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful. So there's two pieces. One is depending on who is asking you that and where you are and frankly like you're mood at the moment. You may decide whether or not to grace people with that answer or to keep it for yourself. And so even as guests

“in any situation, it's not like you have one you have to answer this. Two, a really good”

question also allows for choice, right? There's a range of answers in some groups or on this podcast. You have enough trust. You've been through this ceremony. You're your modeling vulnerability. You've chosen to share with us this beautiful moment. There may be other moments in which you keep that for yourself. All of group life isn't endless connection. It's creating a canvas or platform and inviting people to both have the discernment about what to ask and the discernment

about what to share and taking risks that are that feel reciprocal. In the workplace when I work with

leaders and teach magical questions, one of the most important skills I teach is what I call

"boundary" connection, which is not connection for connection sake. It's not bearing your soul like to all of your colleagues endlessly. It's relevant connection, right? It's connection that

“what do you need to know about each other to work more effectively as a team? What is relevant,”

appropriate, meaningful, generous to the group that helps them connect to each other, temporarily equalize and also protect them from each other? All right, take away four. When answering a magical question, consider how vulnerable you want to be and whether your story feels appropriate in a given space. You don't have to give the first answer that comes to mind. Don't be afraid to tell the group you need a moment to think of something. And of course,

you don't have to answer every question that's asked of you in general. I love what you said to about keeping the answer for yourself because maybe I have, I'm sure I could think of a different answer to that another time that I really went all in on celebrating. If I wasn't wanting to share that detail with the group, but I still thought through the answer for myself. And that's a little gift that I get to go home with.

Beautiful. Yes. Many of the gifts when you gather with intention and generosity, you don't even see. Priya, thank you so much. I've loved this conversation. Thank you so much for having me. I love I loved your questions. Thank you for hosting me so beautifully. Okay, time for a few more magical questions from Priya. What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in your pocket? What is one rule you had growing up that looking back now you think was

completely unnecessary or even a little funny? And what topic could you give a 20-minute talk on with zero preparation? And now a recap. Take away one, magical questions are interesting to everyone in a group. They're specific. They invite people to tell a story and they complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their personality or their life experiences.

or it might be a group where you've got to be a little more subtle. Take away three. You can

“learn a lot about people from their answers to magical questions. So listen and don't just wait”

for your turn to talk. And take away four, when you're answering a magical question,

consider how vulnerable you want to be and whether your story feels right for this space and this group.

For more life kit, check out our other episodes. We have one about how to host together and another

“on the power of play. You can find those at npr.org/lifekits. And if you love life kit and you”

you know you just can't add enough of us. Subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekits newsletter.

Also we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share with us or you want to tell us a magical question you came up with email us at [email protected].

“This episode of life kit was produced by the magical Sam Yellow Horse Kessler. Our digital”

editor is Malka Greb and our visuals editor is CJ Rikalan. Meghan Kane is our senior supervising editor and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle, Clamory Schneider, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Kili and Gillie Moon. I'm Mary El Sagarra. Thanks for listening. For instant clarity on world events in just five minutes, listen to npr news now.

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