Feeling drained? Here's how to lighten your mental load

What we're living through, I think, is really the two parties taking opposite sides on whether we want to keep making this type of social progress or whether we want to go back in time. This is the MPR's coach podcast in the NPR app or wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to LifeKit from NPR. Hey, it's Mario. So the knob on one of my kitchen cabinets fell off the other day.

I was putting away the dishes and I did try to screw it back on, but it wasn't working. I was going to need to take out the tools and I did not have the energy for that. Also, I'm going to be honest, I didn't even take the screw out. So here we are, days later, and every time I open the cabinet, I forget and I get poked in the hand by the pointy end of a screw. Why does it feel like there's so much we have to do just to stay alive and be reasonably comfortable?

Also, these tasks, they always make themselves known to me at the least convenient times.

Like, I go to wash my hands and wouldn't you know it, the soap dispensers empty.

“These tasks fall under the category of the mental load, which is basically the weight of all the things you need to do, or think you need to do,”

to stay alive, maintain a household, and take care of your loved ones. The load feels heavy, and it often feels emotional. Like, it's deeper than the soap or the screw or the carton of milk that you just noticed is almost empty. We start to go, "Oh, I need to remember the milk because if I don't, my child will be hungry in the morning. If they're hungry in the morning, they'll show up at school and they won't have enough energy because they will not have had breakfast.

And then if they don't have enough energy, they might not actually do as well in their test. If your brain starts to do this kind of like from A to B to C to disaster, this is in part because this is emotional thinking work. This is Lea Rapaner, a sociologist at the University of Melbourne, who studies this concept of the mental load.

And she says, "One tip is just start to notice these moments, and specifically how weighty a certain task feels."

Happen we see it, because once we see it, we can't unsee it, and once we see it, we can start to address it. Lea has a new book out called "Drained," "Reduce your mental load to do less and be more." It offers research back tools to help identify where your energy is going, and how you might spend it better. Now research shows that women and mothers tend to carry most of the mental load in their households, and they're feeling burnt out because of it.

It does feel worth acknowledging that here, but whether we're partnered or single and regardless of our gender or sexual orientation. Everyone is carrying a mental load, especially if we're carrying further people. On this episode of LifeKit, how to lighten your mental load. LifeKit reporter Andy Tagle talks to Lea about different categories within the mental load,

“about how you can audit your mental load expenditure, and about why it's important to leave space for your goals and ambitions,”

and not just the everyday tasks that need doing. Lea says there are three characteristics of the mental load that can often make it difficult for people to talk about. Let alone make changes too.

First, it's invisible, and internal.

So for example, right now as you're listening to my voice, you may simultaneously be like, "Oh, I got to make sure that my kids picked up or the dog is sick or have I called the vet, or have I checked in to see if my aging parent has taken their medicine." Second, it's boundaryless. You don't go like, "I didn't do the dishes last night. Let me just pack those up and put them in the car and bring them to work."

You don't, but you bring your mental load everywhere. And third, it's enduring. Because it's tied to the things we love the most. Our family, our friends, our careers, our lives, our dreams, and our passions. When does that end?

Take away one. The mental load can be heavy. And often, much heavier for the women and mothers of a household. The same goes for the consequences of dropping it. You're not making it up.

It's not just in your head. And it's not a personality trait. [music]

“Lea, why does this all seem to matter so much more to women than to men?”

Are we all just overthinking? Are our standards just too high? That's a really excellent question. Okay, thank you for asking that. Because one of the things I could hear across all my research, across the data that I was collecting, is women felt really guilty. They felt guilty and awful if they weren't 110% there for their family.

They weren't doing absolutely everything. And then they felt incredibly guilty when they took time to rest and recover. Part of the reason why this is something that is being experienced by mothers and women in particular. And this is sometimes, I write in the book, it's not that men are heartless. They're not living in the same social world you're living in.

They don't feel the consequences of getting this wrong. Because the consequences for them are less. The reason why that is true is because women are expected to be caring, thoughtful, kind, considerate, and giving all the time.

And the perception of the consequences for quote unquote getting it wrong or forgetting something can feel like never ending.

And the result of that is that a lot of mothers are totally burned out. They never feel like they're doing enough. That is such an unfair way to expect someone to move through the world. And they're not making this up, right? They're not micromanagers, they're not perfectionists, they're not just anxious or unable to relax.

The issue is that we hold women to a different standard. This isn't Lee as personal opinion. That different standard is a finding from her research. It came from an experiment that Lee put together after she kept hearing again and again from men and women all over the world that women do more house cleaning because they're just more likely to see the mess.

“So we ran the study where we had a messy room, right?”

A messy room in a clean room, it's exact same room. One is messy, one is clean. So the study had two parts.

The first was just seeing how men and women would rate the messiness of each room.

And big surprise, men and women rated the messy room as equally messy. And the clean as equally clean. So this idea that men can't see the mess or the dirt nonsense. Substating that to each other. Then Lee is left with things one step further and named the rooms.

So this room belongs to Jennifer. This room belongs to John. And then we asked like, okay, well, what would you think about Jennifer in terms of her moral character based on this room? They might say like, well, I wouldn't judge her. But I know other people are going to judge her based on the status of this room.

And so when I see this to people in the world and in particular women, it's this kind of validation moment of like, yeah, I know that if someone comes into my house and it is a mess, they are going to think that I am responsible for that. And they're going to view me as less, not just messy,

but like less great as a human based on the status of my room. But they're not punishing the men in the same way.

Basically, Lee have found evidence that men and women are held to a different standard when it comes to house work.

Now, what can you do about this in balance? Well, the first step, as is so often the case here at life kit, name it to tame it. Because we kind of know or feel just how unruly the mental load can get on the daily, right? But by being able to slot that emotional thinking work into different categories, you can start to both get a handle on the real scope and scale of it

and have language to better communicate with your household. So, take away two. Break down the specifics of your mental load so you can start to talk about it and change what needs changing. And that laundry list is probably longer than you think it is. Because Lee is working down the mental load into eight different categories.

Yes, eight. Let's go through them one by one. First up, life organization. Now, this is the staying on top of the planning and the tasks. You will do this in your home life.

This is like, do we have everything we need at home? But you also do this at work.

“Like making sure your work is organized and your social life is organized too.”

The second one is emotional support. So, this might be something where, you know, you're sitting in a meeting with a co-worker or you're sitting across the dinner table from your child or a parent or a friend. And you're looking at them and thinking, "Are they okay? I can't tell what's going on. I'm looking at their faces, you seem a little bit depressed. Or they seem a little bit off or maybe frustrated.

Next, relationship hygiene. That's maintaining strong social connections. At work, yeah, might just call it networking. But in our home lives, you might do this when your child has a new friend. And you want to connect in with your parent or you want to give them a play date.

You might be thinking about, you know, the loneliness of an aging parent. Do they have people showing up? How do I bring new people in? The fourth magic making is the work of making sure traditions are carried on at events feel special, life feels special. Then we have dream building, helping people in your life will feel ambitions, passions, goals. This was one of the categories that I heard mothers say,

"I have lost my own ability to dream." Next, individual upkeep. The things they need to do to keep fit and healthy.

“Have I gone for the walk? Do I need to get my hair cut? Have I had the dentist appointment?”

And then they're safety. Anticipating real or hypothetical risks to you and your loved ones. This is one that actually mothers and fathers carried heavily and men tend to talk a lot about. I'll say I've collected data from 5,000 people recently in the US.

So this is why I'm saying to you, it will fluctuate and shift over time.

This is something that depends on your political circumstance. It will depend on what's going on in the world. But safety can go from the micro to the macro. Am I walking the doors at night? Two, is it safe for me to walk on the streets?

And the last one, number eight, is Medicare. That's META, like abstract or conceptual or woometa.

“Am I creating raising children who will thrive into the future?”

Am I creating worlds that I want to live in? Is the world the way I want it to be? So those are our eight. So now that you have that full breakdown, take a little time to think about how things are handled in your home. Does everybody share the load in each category? Take away three.

Interrogate why you carry the mental load you carry, or don't.

For example, maybe you feel entitled to do a little less of the cooking, because you bring home a little more of the bacon than your partner. Maybe you know you're carrying a lot more around the house, but that feels just a little easier than trying to explain or offload all the planning, probing, decision making, that goes into any one family activity.

In one survey, Leah and her fellow researchers found that women in the U.S. were responsible for over 70% of the domestic mental load. And she says there are whole categories of work that she's found men and fathers don't bother to carry it all, because they know their partners already have those things covered.

“Assumptions like that one stem from some pervasive cultural myths that Leah says,”

"Do everybody a disservice." One of the biggest lies we sell each other is that women are better multitaskers than men, that their brains are just more efficient at keeping track of all these competing things they have to go on. And the research doesn't show that, actually what it shows is that none of us can multitask, which are really good at doing a task switching, switching between.

And when you task switch, you're actually burning through some of your cognitive capacity, it's actually draining some of your energy. Another myth we tell each other is that women are really good at household managers, and men are just terrible at this. So men are really good at running companies that are complex with a bunch of different employees,

competing demands, stressful moments, problem solving, but they're terrible at bringing any of those skills back at home, like they just can't, like those are non-transferable skills. This is another thing, men who are cares at home, who engage in the primary care of children and taking care of the household, their healthier, their happier, their more balanced kids

come to them when they are hurt. What a loss for all of us to not have the gift that is men's care, the gift that is men's love, the gift that's men's engagement. And then to say to women, you're just really good at that at home, but you're super distracted at work.

What a loss for us in the workplace to not have the incredible talents that women bring,

talents they develop in part through their ability to care, empathy, adaptability, time management, creative thinking. When we get back from the break, we will teach you how to audit your mental load, and hopefully get you on the path to less stress about what club politics and more guilt-free dreaming about that solo vacation.

You're listening to life kit and it's time for takeaway for. Your time and energy are limited resources. Make a mental load budget to make sure you're not exceeding your daily capacity. Usually is quick breakdown for how to do that. Start to see which, where is it going in these eight mental load categories?

Like how much is going where and what capacity? The next thing I ask you to do is start to think about whether these things are drains, or whether they're credits, because sometimes we'll do things that we love, and it can be a drain and a credit. Sometimes we can do some things that are like good and bad, right?

Because the world is often not black and white. Then I start to start to ask you to start thinking about if you could dream, like if you could dream and go in any direction you want, your life was your own, what would you do? And then I ask you to start thinking about how do you align your mental load spending in that way.

“How do you hold on to the things that you have to do?”

How do you hold on to the things that you want to do? How do you make sure that not every day because I know that's unrealistic? But you're clear on where you're going and you're using your mental load energy to get there. So refer back to those categories you've already been thinking about. Which are your favorite?

Which are the absolute worst? If you're partnered or have a roommate or kids or all of the above, are there perhaps any simple trades to be made? Hold items to throw away.

and it's time to kindly pull back. Maybe it's your partner's turn to handle every aspect of magic making for your kids a coming birthday. You both don't like it, but somebody's got to do it.

Does it always have to be you?

As you're saying all of this, I'm hearing thousands of American mothers, just from coast to coast, listening to this and shouting back at us, like, in unison. But if I don't do it, if I don't do it, they're not going to do it. They don't know how to do it. First, I want to validate that feeling.

I want to say to you, and I'm also going to say to you, I'm sure you have that feeling not only because you're feeling it, but also because you have direct experience living it. Because I heard this from the mothers too. Like, I can let myself down.

I can let my partner down. I can't let my children down. If I drop this and I can't have them suffer as a result of this,

“you have to get clear on when you're doing these things that really are critical”

to your children and your family.

Critical to your goals and your dreams and your ambition.

And when you're doing things because you've been socialized into doing it. When you're doing things and you're holding the expectation up, but really actually if you dropped some of it down, it would be okay. You also have to get clear on what are your skills and your deficits at home, because you're not going to be good at everything.

And getting clear on what's your partners and your children's skills and deficits, and how do you bring them into that? Take away five. Separate what tasks are necessary from what might just feel necessary. Once you've got that smaller pile, look a little harder.

Are there any places where you're duplicating the mental load? Or, where you might be able to lighten that burden with outside help? There may be whole mental load categories or whole tasks. Were you and someone else in your life are doing them? The mental load is interesting because it's unlike say housework.

Very rarely do we go in and redo the work that someone else has done.

“But the mental load you could actually be duplicating and not even know it, right?”

This is in part why I want people to do the mental load audit. And to start having conversations with your partners or kids in the household, grandparents, anyone else who is providing care for you. Because you might actually see because it's internal, right? That you're both thinking about and keeping track of and remembering and strategizing and decision making for the same stuff.

We heard this a lot about mental loads to say. You see that parents both parents are thinking about, you know, whether the door is locked at night, maybe you both don't need to do that. One of you could be responsible for that and one of you is not. So that can be one where dropping the mental load.

It doesn't get you better decision making, right? Like it doesn't get you closer to your goals, it's just waste. Sometimes it's not waste. Sometimes you know you're like, okay, actually that's really helpful. We're planning for our holiday, a vacation.

And we love to do this and we like to talk about it. And the whole family could be involved. That's useful. Another option is outsourcing.

Now, obviously, not every task can be handed off to some third party.

And you might not be interested in seeding responsibility for some of the ones that can. Like yeah, as leaves specialist or nightmares would really make those sleep deprived days easier. But also maybe you're not willing to give up those late night cuddles just yet. I thought they're wrong with that. Oh, and also even if you were willing.

Money.

“Right, like with who's money are you asking me to do this?”

You might find that there's little ways in which outsourcing can happen. It might be small things that are kind of strategic. But one of the things we looked at was, you know, technology, actually doing some of the things I heard through the interviews were like, you know, it's helpful for me.

I don't like meal planning, but actually AI can do meal planning for me. Or, you know, there's apps that actually track and read your emails and start to put things into a shared calendar. So I talk about some of the apps that can do this. I don't want you to be thinking like, oh, I now have to just outsource everything. But I want you to get really clear on what's the work you hate and what are the potential options.

And then one of the other things I talk about is good is good enough. Getting a good is good enough mentality. Starting to think about when our standards are too high. You said that's to me earlier in the interview, right? Like, are we just holding yourself to too high of standards?

Sometimes, yes. Yeah, I know you're a fervent advocate of turning things down, saying no to the things that aren't serving you. I support this fully in theory. But in practice, I'm shaking in my boots.

You know, it's, I think it's really hard for a lot of people, not just with other things. It's really hard to, you know, let people down. What tools do you have for us for anyone out there like me who has an allergy to the word now? I understand this feeling because we want to be good.

And we want to be likable. And we don't want people to be disappointed at us. We don't want people to be angry with us. And we want people to be happy. And we want people to feel good.

One of the challenges is people often have really long lists of people that they are trying to be kind to.

And so one piece of the mental audit is starting to get clear on who is on your starting line of right now.

“That doesn't mean you have to fire everybody.”

Just you can't have everyone on the field or on the court or on the diamond, whichever sport analogy you prefer. Because what I would hear would be, you know, people were weighing, one of the mothers in the book would talk about like, you know, I'm weighing the requests from my book club,

from the PTA and from my parents as the same. And I can't say no to any of them. But if you have a moment to go like,

who's really critical right now?

I think it becomes a little bit easier to say no. Who's on my starting line up and where are we trying to go? And then you start to filter through what decisions are actually worth the investment and an art. Take away six. And embrace opportunities to let go of things.

The tasks, relationships that are more draining than life-giving. And then don't be shy about spending that surplus energy on yourself. And even if that's just going for a walk every day. Think about how you'd feel if every day you went for a walk or spent ten minutes out in the sunshine, that's your goal.

Small steps, right? Can have big outcomes on that. I think we have for a long time asked women to sacrifice for everyone. And what they've done is sacrifice themselves.

And so what I'm asking you to do is little by little,

just put yourself more center, put your dreams more center, and think about how you can give back to you. Because we need you in this world right now. We need women with mental loads surplus now. Yeah, those are really striking part of the book for me.

Just dream, dream whatever you want. If you had no limitations, if you didn't have to worry about when pickup was or when drop off was, what would you want to do and how difficult it was for a lot of your subjects. Why is it so hard for so many women just to dream? I think that we've put so much pressure on mothers to get motherhood right,

that it feels like any time away is a violation of the family. Why do mothers dreams get starved? Well, it's because there's so much competing attention.

“There's so many other ways where you have to put your energy and your talents to make sure everyone else is okay.”

And part of that is because you're living in these really broken systems.

This is why I'm saying, like, what is the world we want to live in? Could you take one step and whatever direction you think you're most passionate about? All of a sudden you take one step and then the next and then the next. And pretty soon we'll see that we're all much further along than we ever dreamed we could be. We're looking back down from the mountain.

It all starts with one step. But you have to have the energy and you can only have the energy if you start to get strategic and you're spending. Professor Lee, a reporter, thank you so much for your time. Thank you for having me. All right, friends, let's recap.

Take away one. It's not just a you thing. The mental load is a bigger burden for some than others. Usually, though, not exclusively, women and mothers. But we all stand to benefit by thinking critically about how we share the work in our homes.

Take away two. The mental load isn't just one thing. There are eight different categories. Break down the specifics of your mental load so you can start to talk about it and change what needs changing. Take away three and interrogate the role you play in your household.

“Have social norms positioned you to take on more or less work?”

How does that feel? Take away four. Your time and energy are limited resources. Treat them as such by doing a mental load audit. Take away five.

Once you've little down, how much of your mental load is necessary, look a little deeper. Can any of that burden be shared? Out sourced? Don't be scared to get creative. Take away six.

Let go of the tasks that are draining you. Say no more often. Then spend that surplus energy on yourself and your dreams. You don't have to feel bad about it. It's a good practice for you and for everyone around you.

That was reporter Andy Tagle. By the way, if you love life kit and you want it to be even easier to listen to with curated playlists on popular life kit topics like sleep and personal finances, sign up for life kit plus. You can find out more at plus.npr.org/lifekit. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Mika Ellison. Our digital editor is Malaga Greeb, and our visual editor is CJ Rikolan.

Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Co-Takasugi, Charnoven. I'm Mary El Sagarra. Thanks for listening.