How to dump an energy vampire

Sometimes it's about really big things, but most times, the little mysteries are the best.

Our lost and found is currently filled with pants. I don't know what I've never seen this happen, this is true.

Mysteries have every size each week, this American life, wherever you get your podcasts. I think there's like a gnome stealing my jewelry. You better do some kind of drawers and ancestral ring, who be at one golden bearing necklace with the Virgin Mary on it, have all gone missing.

“I think you need to provide an offering, yeah, any offering to the borrowers, yeah, clearly they need things they like.”

I think you should kind of just say it like, yeah, offer like a decoy tray of like other jewelry and like put it in an obvious place and so they can be attracted to that decoy jewelry. Oh

What about those fake gold coins?

Yeah, that's the chocolate coins. I think they're trying to get your attention that they need some useful things like get a Barbie car or get a little Barbie mansion You know what do you think you're taking your value things because they need some things of value. I think it's what's happening. Are you waiting for something? No, okay, we're just talking, but I feel like this is very actionable advice. Thank you Thank you, that should be the bonus tip. Okay, well hi, it's Mary. I'll see you at the next video.

Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit. This series where you send us your questions and we try to dole out some helpful advice.

We're actually trying something new today. All of the advice is going to come from us, the Life Kit team, with help from the collective wisdom in our archives.

And as always for Dear Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle is here. Hi, Andy. Hey, Maryl. And we've also got our digital editor Malga group here. Hello, let's get right into it with our first question. Andy, you want to read that one. Okay. Dear Life Kit.

“This is going to sound super petty and kind of is, but I'm worried about losing my friends when my life is going better than theirs.”

One of my friends parents is having health issues. Another friend is struggling with bills and another is caring for the grandparents. I've become scared to share things with them because my problems don't feel as big and I've recently had some positive things happen in my career. We're all in our early 20s and I know it's not abnormal for everyone to be on different paths and such, but I'm still worried about stoking resentment. What do I do? Yeah, I mean, I get this and it's going to be very common in all of our lives that sometimes when you're up other people are down and vice versa, right?

And also, sometimes even within your own life, often parts of your life are up and parts of your life are down. I have had personal experience with when I got cancer, people close friends of mine feeling like they shouldn't tell me certain things in their lives. And actually, it wasn't even good stuff happening. It was bad stuff, but stuff that they thought didn't compare to having cancer at 34. So they were like, well, she's going through chemo, so I can't talk to her about my breakup. And then I didn't feel that way at all. Like, I was, I remember saying to them, like, paint Olympics and they were like, yeah, that's not that's not how I see the world.

And I do think fundamentally that we have to be able to to be there for the people we love, whether their lives are up or down, that it's just as much of a service to others to show up for them when the good things happen and not hold it against them. Well, I have a question about that because, like, if you do go through a breakup and you see that your all your friends are getting married or getting with people, yeah, I don't want to hear about your the fact that you're getting married, right? Like, why is it in that situation that it's kind of normal to like not want to hear, oh gosh, they're getting married?

But then, yeah, it's interesting that you're saying that when you were going through cancer and going through this horrible thing that it was okay for you to hear about other breakups is it because the context was totally different. I think the context being different helps and I also had no problem hearing about the good things in people's lives. Yeah, it actually just reminded me that there was good on the other side of what I was going through, like, my friends being in Europe, you know, with their kids and sending pictures.

I was like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to go there when I'm done with treatment.

“But I think, yeah, you want to make sure with your friends that you're also showing up for them and not just asking how are you?”

Like, if awful things are happening in their lives, then you want to be present and think about like what you're good at and practical ways you could show up. Like, if they're going to love doctors visits, maybe you're you're good at being pushy and advocating for someone or maybe you're good at organizing the meal train or maybe you're really good at emotional support.

A trick that I found helpful with us is something that I got from the team.

What is it? And it was just asked in the reverse situation, would you be offended, you know? Like, if something bad was happening to me and something good was happening to my friend, would it hurt my feel? Like, would I, would I want to bring my friends down with me? Like, of course not. Like, I would, you know, if someone is in your corner, I found my personal experience like, if someone is in my corner, they're in my corner, no matter what.

And if someone wants to yuck on my yam, they're going to yuck on my yam, no matter how well they're doing. You know what I mean? That's true. Also, it's a good, this is maybe a good litmus test, too.

“It's like, if she couldn't come to these people, her friends, and like, she feels comfortable enough to celebrate with them no matter where they are and they like, yes, I think reciprocate is important.”

I think that's like a sign that like, it's a good friendship, but if they're like, if she doesn't feel comfortable in that space, too, then maybe it's also not a good sign. Yeah. Every episode of it's been a minute. NPR's What's Happening in Culture Podcast starts by asking three questions, who, how, why now? If the culture's asking it, we're talking about it.

At NPR, we stand for your right to be curious, and indulge your cultural curiosity. Follow its been a minute wherever you get your podcasts. And we'll break down the zeitgeistie topics that are filling your feed. This is Tanya Mosley, co-host of Fresh Air. Don't miss my interview with Comic and Storyteller, Ali Sadik.

We talk about fatherhood, healing, and how prison changed him. He's been out 29 years, but he says, "The psychological wounds are different than my physical wounds." Listen to Fresh Air on the NPR app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's go to question two.

What do you think? Yeah. Alright. Question number two, Dear Life Kit.

“How do you deal with people you can't stand, but are forced to interact with on a regular basis?”

I'm in high school, and there's this person who I have many classes with. Share me two friends with, but she's an energy vampire. She loves to one-up me, and has a mean sense of humor. How can I set clear boundaries or make my interactions with her less painful? Okay, so I'll tell you guys something.

I like attract energy vampires. I don't know how and why, but they come to me. They dump on me. Tell us more. They vent at me, and they talk at me, and then they don't let me leave me any room to speak. And I think that it's because I'm way too nice.

I don't have any boundaries with friendships too. It's like, I'll just keep hanging out with a person because I feel obligated. So for this high school student, I spent a lot of time looking through all of our friendship episodes. And I found that perfect advice for you. I'm ready.

From an interview with a writer, Rachel Wilkerson Miller, who wrote the book, The Art of Showing Up, How to Be There For Yourself and Your People, and her advice was this. Break up with a friend like you would break up with a partner.

Here's what you might say to this energy vampire.

Listen, I appreciate that you want to be friends with me, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I know we're in a lot of classes together, so let's try to be cordial with each other when we see each other. But for now, I'd appreciate if you gave me a little bit of space. I hope you understand. Hmm.

That seems like maybe easier to say over texts. Yes. I mean, I think that your response, Malca, I also think it's a mature one. Maybe a little too mature. Yeah.

So my initial thought was, I think it's a mature one, and I think it would be very good in an ideal world. Right. But high school. High school is very far from an ideal world, right? I think you're right.

Yeah, I think it's very far from an ideal world. So what would you do? Okay.

So my solution, the first thing that came to my mind, it's a weird one stick with me.

Okay. But the first episode that came to my head, the first advice that came to my head, was the episode on how to raise it. Oh my god, that is not the connection I thought you were going to make, but say more please. Okay. This person can be really sounds really irritating, sounds like they're being really illogical,

like they're being really non-sensical, not very far away from a toddler. And when you are communicating with a toddler and you want them to change their behavior, you have to be really creative.

“So sometimes that means you have to like outwacky their wacky.”

Sometimes we can construct them or give them like a hard time limit or yeah. In the case of like an all-out tantrum, like if this person's being really mean, then what you have to do is like mentally disengage, protect your piece, you know, do nothing to fan the flames. Yeah.

Or I might try like positively reinforce someone else's behavior, you know. Like I might like go to someone who actually think is cool and like try and talk to them about that thing that I thought. Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like I might not respond to what they said.

And literally be like, they tell me, you know,

I can't really imagine happening.

But you say something mean to me or you, you want not me. Yeah. And I just literally like don't respond to you like eyes glaze over. Right. And I love your jumpsuit.

Totally. Yeah. You know? You don't have to laugh at the joke, right? Yeah.

You don't have to laugh at the joke. Or even if I was just talking to you, I could be like, did you say that you were going to the beaches weekend? Or just something like that like the distraction thing. I think could be really helpful.

Yeah. Sometimes people are mean. I feel like it's coming from an insecure place and like trying to prove you're so cool. Yeah. And so just being hard with them.

Like being a little like like you can be, There's this meme that I saw that I really love. It's a bunny rabbit holding a medieval weapon. Like it's like it has like a chain and with like a ball on the end and a mental spikes.

And it says soft but not available for mistreatment. Dang. I love that. You know what that's like? I feel like I am.

Yeah.

“I feel like they that's why I attract the energy vampires.”

I think it's because I think they can just sort of like, Yeah. dump on me. But like I think that I have to have like a boundary. Like this is the thing about this person.

It's like you're very nice to like entertain these kind of treatment. But like yeah. Just let her know. Yeah. Let her know.

You're soft but like don't mistreat me. Yeah. All right. Let's go into question three. Okay.

Let's do it. Do a life kit. I have a coworker who I absolutely adore and we're friends outside the workplace as well. She has three young children and she prioritizes being a good mom over things that work. But when she has to call out for doctors appointments, sick days or holidays,

the job of picking up this like it work tends to fall on me. Our boss doesn't see the problem and I realize it's my own fault for taking things on. I have a lot of trouble delegating or asking for help since I often find myself so stressed that it's easier just to do things myself. I'm happily childless myself and I want my friend and coworker to be able to prioritize her family. I feel terrible for feeling resentful.

How do I stop this cycle of stress? Quit your job just kidding. Okay.

I think this is a really juicy question and at first glance, it seems like a parent versus child free value type of question.

I think but I think actually this is a you versus you. Question. First one. I think that's what you do. Do you agree?

Yeah agree. It's a you versus the perceived expectations of you and the largely unstated expectations of you. I want to just start by saying the people please run me, see the people please are in you. Just say something I learned recently from our episode on the book Drain from a professor and able to your repair.

“Is that sometimes when it comes to the mental load, sometimes you need to separate out what is required of you.”

What you're taking on out of obligation and what you actually want to be doing. Like does it really have to be on you to take on this work besties load? Do you have to raise your hand every time? Does anyone have to raise their hand for this work? Are your deadlines real deadlines?

Is it the things that I'm thinking of? What about you guys?

And I think ultimately like I know sometimes if we care about our jobs or even if we're diligent type of people, we feel like the work is our responsibility.

And if it doesn't all get done then it's on us. But ultimately it's the company's responsibility. And it's the company's problem if it's not all getting done. Yeah. And they're challenged to figure out.

Right. That's exactly what I said. It sounds like you need to talk to your boss about this. It sounds like you have tried before and it has been successful. Like one conversation. It doesn't have to stop at one conversation.

It seems like it's time to ask your boss for a meeting. Give yourself time to think about what you want to say. And when you do that, data is your friend, keep your receipts if you haven't already. Arm yourself with information. If you feel like you've been doing a lot of the work for a lot of the time and you're okay with that, then maybe it's time for a new role, a new title, more money so that you can feel less resentful.

Let the spear flag. Yeah. Or if you're not, then let your boss know. I'm doing way too much and it's time to pair back.

“I think that another point here is often in the workplace.”

People who have kids are given more leeway or more like help. And I understand that they do need the support. But that doesn't mean that someone who's child free should just automatically have to work more than someone who has a kid. Like, yeah. We've done an episode on how to be child free.

And part of that is just reinforcing that that is a valid choice. And it doesn't make you a better person or upstanding member of society or more important because you have kids versus someone else.

Maybe the letterwriter needs to hear that.

Yeah. Yeah. I had the exact same thing to say. Brittany loose the host of it's been a minute. Came on to do a life kit a few months back and she had this great line.

She says, I'm going to give as much as I can lovingly and no more. Because if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either going to.

It either means to conflict or you end up feeling short changed.

“So I think it applies to these friends here.”

Yeah. It applies to friends. It applies to family. You know, I will. I'll give you as much as I can that I can give lovingly.

But as soon as I as I feel any like any any sort of bitterness in my mouth. That's the line. That's a line. It doesn't matter if I've kids if I don't have it like whatever I can give lovingly. Yeah.

“Once I'm unhappy about it, that's that's the line.”

You're asking too much. Wow. That also applies to the other letterwriter with the energy vampire. Yeah. Probably applies to all of them.

That's right. Mm-hmm. That's good advice. I think so too. Thanks, bringing snaps to Britney Loose.

If you have a question for life kit, dear listener, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about healthcare, about staying organized, exercising, messy breakups, annoying friends, whatever you got. Email us your question. Or record yourself asking it and send the file to life kit at NPR.org.

I'm Mary Elcegata. Thanks for listening.

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