S2 EP 19 - Anger & Reactivity: Under Pressure

- Well, hey y'all, it's a beautiful day

to bust some cognitive distortions.

“And today we're gonna bust some about anger.”

Well, hi, my name is Suzanne M. Swain EDS, LMSW. I'm an educational specialist, child therapist, and a veteran middle school teacher. And today's episode is a little bit different than something I've normally done before.

But this is at the request of some of my kiddos. Some of my children that I see on the day-to-day, and they've asked me to do an episode about this specific topic, so this one's for you. So folks, this one's mostly for the kids.

And grownups, of course, we want you to listen, and I hope that you do.

But today I wanna speak directly

to middle schoolers, teens, tweens, and all y'all folks. The world feels kind of charged right now. Good, bad, otherwise. But it feels like there's an energy shift. There's something going on, and maybe it's the new year,

you know, Chinese New Year, maybe there's, you know, all kinds of different things going on. But there's just a lot of charged energy. And so today I wanna talk about three things. Why anger rises so quickly and us and adults?

Also, how to stop reactivity before it starts to take over you because anger can really consume you. Also, how choosing calm can actually make you a lot stronger in the long run. That's it, three things, clear and simple.

So you may have noticed that adults seem kind of tense lately. They have conversations that seem to escalate kind of quickly and people react really fast. And when adults react fast, it can feel pretty loud, especially for a lot of neurodivergent people

because we're really sensitive to being loud. So it can seem extremely into sensory complete overload. So let's start here. You're not responsible for adult stress.

“That's really important for you to understand.”

Adults have stress that are things that aren't your job to know about or to worry about. So it's kind of like staying in your lane. You know, you're a kid. You don't have to take on adult problems.

It's not your job. Adult problems are adult problems. You're not responsible for fixing them. You're not responsible for carrying the weight of their problems. And you're definitely not responsible for absorbing their problems.

Which is something kids do a lot because we're very empathetic. You know, when you're a kid, you're almost like an empathetic sponge and you just want to help people and take away their sadness or their anger.

But just remember, some things have to be worked out with an adult frame of mind. And you're young. That may not be for you yet. So it's okay.

You're allowed to be steady even when the room isn't. And sometimes you just being a steady force in the room can help everybody feel better. So we'll get into that. So why is anger rise so quickly in people?

This is something I'm asked all the time. Anger is probably one of the fastest emotions. And it comes from adrenaline from your amygdala, which is like Amy G. Dolla, which controls your fight or flight.

It feels really powerful.

It feels sharp and definitely feels very certain. It's like I have to do this right now. This kind of comes from like running from a lion type of thing. But most of the time, anger isn't the first feeling. You see, anger is actually something that

comes after a bigger emotion is hidden underneath. Well, let me give you some examples. So under anger is often things like fear, hurt, embarrassment, uncertainty, loss of control, or feeling lonely. Those are the biggies. And those are the ones that really hit the feels hard.

So sometimes it's easier to be angry than it is to feel embarrassed, or hurt, or scared, and admit that you're really scared. And a lot of times, I feel really badly for men because that's an emotion that is hard for them sometimes to be able to express. And our culture doesn't allow them to say, I'm really scared because

“so as a young person, I think that's a good thing.”

You know, be able to express that kind of thing because then you can get the help that you need. There's something else important about anger, though. Angers often assign that someone cares really, really deeply. And it's struggling to regulate how deeply they feel about it.

So when someone cares about something and feels completely out of control,

anger rises really quickly, it's like a protective mechanism. So understanding that doesn't mean that you excuse her people. Behavior or anything. That's not what we're saying. And it doesn't mean that you're responsible for fixing it. But sometimes the most heroic move you can make is choosing regulation instead of reaction.

So when someone around you is disregulated, you and your calm can help lower the temperature. And that is a subtle thing that really makes a big difference. Kind of lowers the energy, the temperature of the room.

Not because you're in charge, not because it's your job, but because you're steady energy spreads.

“And if someone's anger feels unsafe, then of course you need to get help.”

You don't handle it alone. If you feel unsafe or they feel unsafe or that they could hurt someone else. Of course, I want you to seek immediate help from an adult who can assist you and help regulate the situation and take care of it. That is your job. That's that point. But just because someone reacts doesn't mean that you have to.

That's your choice. So battle the choice to match the reaction. So try an opposite reaction and see what happens. So in the brain, what's actually happening here. So when you get angry, your brain's alarm system, which is the image below we talked about that. It activates, right? So your heart starts to speed up. Your muscles

“tighten and get ready for movement like to run away. Your thinking starts to narrow. Your”

front or low, which is the front or low controls, your logical thought process is like, you know, math, language, things like that. And so you don't really need that as much when you're about to run away or hide or whatever. So this is called reactivity and

reactivity feels powerful. It gives you a sense of a physical power.

But calm thinking is also powerful. So when you pause, you're thinking brain, your prefrontal cortex that is, it can come back online. You just have to force it to come back online. And sometimes that's really hard to do because you're so caught up in your emotion. So fast reactions feel really strong, but slow responses are strong. And that's the difference. Hero's pause, villains react. Even adults get overwhelmed though. So let me tell you something.

This is total truth. Adults get really overwhelmed sometimes. Teachers do too.

“I remember my first day of teaching fifth grade and by 10 a.m. I was so overwhelmed. I totally”

stepped out of the classroom. And it wasn't because I didn't care about the kids or anything. It was just I cared so much that I had an emotional panic attack. Like I was like, oh my gosh, what if this would have that? What if they don't learn enough? What if I'm not good enough? What if I was like a posture syndrome? Very insight out to kind of situation. Well, my system principle was coming down the hall and he looked at me and just saw me a total mess and said, you know,

girl, get back in there and do your job. And strangely, that was exactly what I needed. It wasn't because I was, you know, not overwhelmed or anything. But it was because I just needed a reminder that feelings are really loud and seem just completely overwhelming. But responsibility is steady. I had a job to do. I had somewhere to be. I needed to go be there and take care of it. And that almost felt a lot more safe than me freaking out about it. So I went back

in. I slowed down. I chose common purpose. I picked a topic we talked about space that day and we talked about planets and had a great time. You know, many teachers experience burnout quickly because they carry a lot and they care so deeply. I mean, think about caring about that many kids all the time and all the stuff about them and making sure everybody's happy and learning. They'd be tired folks. So give teachers a break for that. And sometimes if they get upset, well, they just have to

you know, let that out. But hopefully everybody's kind and we come from a place of kindness and we give each other a break from time to time. We're all a family here. But burnout isn't weakness. It's a signal that someone's just been strong for really long time and they haven't had enough rest. So you may see adults get really overwhelmed. Kids have a lot more energy of adults. It's just a thing. When you get older, you know, stuff kind of wears out. I mean, hence my knee folks and it's doing great

by the way. Still not walking great, but definitely healing. So thanks for all the good vibes. I really would do appreciate it. But adults get overwhelmed really easily and that doesn't make them bad and it doesn't make you responsible either. Adults are still learning every single day. Trust me.

things you can do to get you out of anger mode. Okay? So strong sensory input can reset your nervous system. In other words, you need something really, really strong to kind of zap you out of the mode

you're in. And that takes a lot because anger is pretty powerful. So here's what you can do.

Sour candy. Lemonheads. We have discussed this before. Lemonheads are gold folks. Well, they're yellow, but definitely lemonheads are wonderful. You can't eat too many of them because you can't kind of sick, but lemon fabulous. So a slice of actual lemon would also work. Lemonheads are a little bit more, you know, kid friendly. You can hold a piece of ice in your hand and make sure it melts all the way. Woo. Ice on the back of your neck, I think is the fastest way to do it. You have very sensitive

skin on the back of the neck and it goes straight to your head. Also, and as an endendum to this, taking a shower and then having a little bit of cold water run on your scalp is also excellent. But that's not something you can do, you know, out in public or anything like that. So but at home, a shower, fantastic. You can splash cold water on your face. That also works,

“but do it like three or four times to help you not just once. You need to do it repeatedly. So”

that way you kind of get used to it. A strong physical sensation can pull your brain out of the anger loop and then back into your own body. And sometimes eating something like chocolate or something soothing afterward can really help too. Also, you can do box breathing. And if you just picture a box, you know, it's square. And you inhale for four counts, you hold for four, you exhale for four, and then you hold for four and repeat until you feel pretty good. Usually about three times.

And slow breathing tells your brain that the emergency is over. Even though you don't necessarily believe it in your body, but your body just needs to signal that things are safe. So it works.

I have a little thing that I like to call the 90 second rule. And this is because stress chemicals

peak in about six to 90 seconds. If you don't feed them more angry thoughts. So don't feed the bear. Okay. So if you can pause for 90 seconds without adding to the story, in other words, the story of anger and fear and all that stuff. So you need 90 seconds of something happy to think about. Think about like Peter Pan's happy thought. 90 seconds of something peaceful, a happy place, you're writing a unicorn, whatever. But set an alarm on your phone, whatever. 90 seconds.

The wave will pass. I promise. Check it out. Total experiment. It works.

90 second hero rule. There you go. So just ask yourself, what's going on underneath? What are my

actually feeling? In my embarrassed, do I feel left out? Did someone hurt me emotionally? Like, did they make me feel hurt or powerless or, you know, steal my lunch money? And it wasn't fair. A lot of times there's something that wasn't fair. I was that kid. It's not fair. It's not

“fair. Well, sometimes it really wasn't fair. And I felt helpless. So what can you do about it?”

Something productive. Something safe. And something that is going to make things better in the long run. And anger just doesn't do that. So figure out a way to fix the problem. And when you name it, you attain it. You can understand why someone is angry without copying their reaction. You can have empathy without absorbing their stress. You can observe without becoming reactive. I mean, the world feels loud, but loud is not the same thing as strong. So peace. Not glamorous. It's

not flashy. It's calm. It's steady. It's woven quietly into the strength of your life. Peace isn't trendy. It doesn't shout. It, you know, it thinks. Calm thinking creates authority. Chest players take the time to think before reacting. Reactivity gives it away. The world doesn't need more loud folks. It needs more steady. And if we're going to make the world better, we need more people to think steady and strategic. You don't have to be the storm. And if you

“see someone in the storm, help them if you were able. You can be an anchor. And remember,”

anchor is kind of like glitter if you think about it. You throw it everywhere. It sticks to everything and makes a total mess. But if you keep it contained, it can actually be really useful for creative purposes. So use your anchor wisely. Be productive because that's where creativity comes from.

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