Well, hello, y'all, how's it going?
Welcome.
“And it's a beautiful day to bust some cognitive distortions.”
My name is Suzanne M. Swain, EDS, LMSW, veteran middle school teacher, child therapist
and school sociologist. And I want to welcome you to the middle school Mary Poppins podcast. And for those new folk, it is a show for kids and families and educators who are all trying to navigate the wild, wonderful and sometimes extremely overwhelming world of growing up in 2026.
And before we get started today, I want to brag on you and say thank you, in fact, Oprah Goldstar level, you know, one for you and for you style. I mean, over the past few days, this podcast, which I make on an app and I make no money on this is my passion project, it's reached number two in the United States in parenting. And we're kind of holding strong.
This is amazing.
This is literally a passion project and is about its grassroots as it comes because you
know us teachers don't have a lot of money. But you did this.
“You're listening, you're sharing and ultimately, I think that your beliefs that kids deserve”
to be understood. And I think it's resonating and it truly means the world to me that you're here. So for the bottom of my heart, I thank you, profusely, thank you so very much and I look forward to taking the ride with you. Now before we dive in, I need to introduce today is cohost of course and say hi to Vittal
Lieutenant Steve, Hi Betty. And the past couple of weeks, it's been cute, this little stanker has decided that his new favorite place to sleep is directly on my shoulder next to my pillow and it's like this
tiny, slightly judgmental scarf.
And every time I pick up my phone and he lets out this little grumbling noise and it's not barking or totally not dramatic, it's just very subtle, like puffles. It's like he's personally offended by my screen time choices. And honestly at this point, I feel like, you know, he's only one tiny clipboard away from filing a formal complaint with HR.
“So yes, Steve is weighed in and screen time is officially under review and I've heard a lot”
of people talk about screen time this week and even today twice to different families we're discussing how to deal with that. So I felt it relevant and I wanted to go ahead and work on this and get it out there to all of you because I feel you. So let's talk about it, screen time.
But not necessarily in the way you might expect. Because what I see with elementary kids, tweens, teens, it's not just screen use. It's actually about emotional overwhelm and social pressure and literal constant comparison between themselves and others. And when adults see screens, kids are experiencing something very different, you know, they're
experiencing pressure and identity and connection with others and and and and and but there's a bit of a misunderstanding. So let me paint a picture for you. Picture it, Sicily. That.
Just picture a kid lying in bed, scrolling after a really long day, practice and all kinds of things going on in extracurriculars and it's late and they got a long day and the family comes in, parent walks in and says, you know, put the phone down, sign for bed and then the kid gets mad and shuts down and gets defensive and snarky and it looks like total defiance. But what if I told you from what kids have told me and session that it wasn't
even about defiance at all, they were trying to be defiant, they were just overwhelmed. And they're using their time to downshift and to re-regulate themselves. So for many kids, the phone isn't the problem, it's the coping strategy with how to re-regulate yourself from the end of the day and even how to regulate yourself from being on the phone and experiencing those things.
The school just does not end at 3 p.m. anymore. It follows them home and through the group chats and social media and through friendships that don't ever pause and then we asked them to just turn it off. Well, that's kind of a lot, don't you think? I mean, then there's comparison.
We grew up comparing ourselves to a small group of people where as kids today, they're comparing themselves to literally everyone all the time worldwide. I heard kids comparing themselves to K-pop singers and like you can't do this, you know, likes, comments, followers, appearance, adults kind of visiting comparison, but kids live inside the crack and of comparison all the time, that's got to be really overwhelming.
It's just that they don't really talk about it very much, but you can be the catalyst to help them talk about it. And even underneath all that, kids are trying to figure out who they are and where they belong and the online world gives them a place to explore their interests. You know, you raise them, hopefully you raise them with, you know, making good choices and
having a strong moral compass. Sometimes safely, unfortunately sometimes not, but sometimes falling down and getting back
Up again or making a mistake and learning from it can be the greatest thing f...
can help us stay safer.
“So a little brain science is to make this make some more sense for you, but the brains”
are literally wired for this.
Every notification, every message gives a small amount of dopamine. So when your kid keeps checking their phone, it's not because they're weak. It's because their brain is doing exactly what it's designed to do and they're dopamine flooding. They're enjoying it.
They're enjoying it so much that they don't want to put it down. You probably also experience a dopamine rush from the phone for certain things. I mean, look at eBay. So socially, kids are wired to care deeply about belonging because social connections are kind of a currency for them.
So when they get left on read or ignored or excluded, it doesn't feel small. It actually feels incredibly personal and huge. And the part of the brain that helps them pause and think is still developing. So they're navigating adult-level situations with a brain that's under construction.
This isn't just happening here though, everybody.
I mean, this is a global thing. I mean, families all over the globe are having to deal with their kids growing up in a world where they knew nothing but social media and the internet. This is a global conversation. It absolutely is.
I mean, like in Denmark, kids are actually taught how to figure out what is real and what's not online in a class. Critical thinking. They have to research and check sources and verify information. And it's not just don't believe everything you see or go prove whether it's true.
“It's not only prove what's true, but tell me why it interests you and why it's important”
for you to make sure that it's accurate or not. That's part of their learning. It's pretty astute, I think. Pretty awesome. I mean, in Australia, there's been an increasing focus on protecting kids online for a while now.
And I've really been enjoying watching this. I think it's excellent. I mean, most platforms in Australia require users to be at least 13 to have an account at all, and they're ongoing efforts to strengthen age verification and safety protections on software itself.
And so far, they're listening. So the takeaway isn't just making more rules. It's actually kids just don't need access. They need skills. They need help.
They need to know what's what and the way to go here. And I'll share this too. My educational specials degree is in EdTech educational technology with a focus on internet safety. So it's not just something I see in therapy or classrooms.
It's something that I've studied and thought and worked with for years.
“And honestly, what I can tell you is that the goal isn't to keep the kids up the internet”
at all. And you know, shielding them from that just makes it warm more. It's really about how to teach them, how to move safely through the internet. And if not, if they don't feel safe, can you help them to navigate through it to learn what is safe?
So when I was about 17, I worked for America online. And it was an internet provider where instead of now you just hop on the internet, you had to pay $3 an hour to get on there and dial in through a modem which was really loud and hurt my neurodivergency. But then you paid three bucks an hour to sit on this thing.
Well, I got a job where I could get free AOL by being a chat host. And there was a show called the Rosy O'Donnell show back in the early 90s. And it was a fun kind of variety show and afternoons and it was pretty good. And so I worked for that show in their chat room. And yes, my job was to kick people out of the chat room that we're being inappropriate.
Which honestly was kind of an excellent training for middle school because, you know, what I really learned was how to read people through the way that they write.
And becoming a middle school English teacher, I always harken back to this.
But I looked at tone and intent and emotion with ever, you know, never seeing a face. And kids today, they're doing that all day long and trying to make determinations who is good, who is not and so on. So when a child is chatting with someone on a game like, I don't know, Roblox. Our instincts as adults shut it down, you know, what is going on here, how dare you.
And you know, sometimes yes, we should definitely should. But we need to step in. But often, there may be a better way. So trusting but staying close, I mean, we want to give kids a benefit of the doubt. Of course, but we want to stay close enough to guide them.
We don't want to say stop, but show me because the kid feels judged, you know, they're going to hide. If they hide, then we can't exactly help them and it just turns into a spiral. So it doesn't work. We could try something different.
We could try asking them to tell us what's going on and teach us what they know and explain things. Kids love to explain things. But we also have to talk about bullying. And cyber bullying is different.
It doesn't stay at school and it follows kids home and, you know, into their bedrooms and they're quiet moments and, you know, invades the one place that's supposed to feel safe and there's no bell at the end of the day that ends that or anything.
I mean, no hallway, you know, hiding spot, it's like constant access.
And sometimes it's not even obvious, you know, it looks like, you know, little things like
“being left out or subtle comments or screenshots being shared or, you know, with edits”
or jokes that don't feel like jokes.
And a lot of kids don't really always know if they're overreacting or being hurt.
And they just need some help with the judgment calling it because it may feel like a, you know, total crisis when it may not be or maybe it should be a crisis. So instead of saying just ignore it, we say things like, you know, that sounds really hard. Can you tell me how you're getting through it at this point or things like, I'm glad you told me, you kind of like with anger, like, thank you for being angry with me because
you felt safe enough to tell me. So I'm glad you told me about this and I promise you, we're going to look for a way to make this right. And mostly let's figure this out together. That is so peaceful to hear those kinds of statements from an adult and not one that say,
I told you and goes off on a tangent to the negative.
“When someone comes to you asking for help, they're trusting you.”
And if a kid does that, they're, they're really not sure if they're going to be punished
or what have you even forgetting into something that maybe they're not sure of is right. So, but by being someone who's understanding and is willing to hear what they have to say, even though it may be something you don't want to hear, at least you're there for them. And that really lasts a long time.
And they know in a future situation that they can come to you. Because we may not be able to control what really happens online, but we can make sure that our kids aren't going to handle it alone. And that's the biggest thing. I learned this lesson, the hard way, back, you know, but way back when with that AOL
stuff, obviously I spent a lot of time online and I had an experience where someone did not have good intentions for me and tried to lure me away from my family and all kinds of stuff. And what I wish I had was someone to shut it down. And so I'm going to walk beside me and help me understand what was safe and what wasn't.
And I was 17 and at the time, you know, a lot of people didn't understand the internet. So it was kind of a different situation. Now, kids don't have to walk alone in the internet and we need to make sure that we're an open and welcome place for them to be able to talk about what's going on. I don't want to see that kind of thing happen to anyone else ever.
It's a polling and especially these days. So there are times when we need to act quickly and if someone does something like the following, like if they, I don't know if they ask for personal information, 100% if they try to move the conversation into somewhere else, like a different platform, if they ask for secrecy, personal experience, if they ask that we're just going to keep this a secret.
That is not okay, kids not okay or it makes your kid uncomfortable, you know, no one is better than young people at their spotty sense of whether someone is safe or not. And if you feel a little squidgy, there may be a reason. Let me just step in. Connection is okay and secrecy is not okay. And I want to say something really clearly, especially for my young folk who are listening
in the first and absolute best place to go when something feels wrong online is a trusted
adult in your life. Hopefully a parent or caregiver, teacher, a counselor, a clergy, someone who knows you, but someone who really knows you because they love you most. And they're the ones best equipped to help you. I know sometimes I feel a little scary and you might think, you know, I'm going to be in trouble
or they're going to take my phone away or whatever.
“But honestly, most of the time they don't want to take your world from you, they just want”
to help you stay safe in it. So for some reason you feel like you don't have someone to go to or you need extra support, there are people who will listen, high steep, 98 suicide in crisis lifeline, it doesn't mean that you are actively suicidal and is also for a crisis where you may be feel like you're being bullied and you don't know what to do.
You can call that phone number 98 or you can try the text line which is you text HOME home to 741-741. Also in America you can check out the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Okay, you can try that online in Google that or stopbullying.gov. They have tons of information I've referred many families to stopbullying.gov.
They have great, great worksheets and things you can download in conversation cards, so you're never stuck. So instead of constant battles, we try structure. We try building a new type of house 30 minutes to start and everybody can get their 30 minutes of re-regulation phone time and then more can be earned for being off screen or doing
chores to help out the family. More earned through real life experiences, maybe the kid was like, you know, I'm really socially phobic but I went ahead and went to the pizza place with you guys and it was okay.
Reward that, you know, say, you know, I have another 15 minutes.
You know, little things.
“BB generous with giving out five minutes here or five minutes there, it's creating”
connection.
It's helping creativity and mostly it's establishing responsibility.
Kids don't learn online safety from lectures. They learn it from guided experience and that's our job. And if we only control the screen, we miss the child. So try screen swap night.
Let your kid choose something else instead of a screen for a night, a game, maybe they've
invented a game, decided on like a puppet show or they want to make dinner, brace yourself.
“It may get weird and that is awesome but those are memories, right?”
So the weirder is the better it is. But try one night a week have screens swap for something else, do something entirely different, go and make some more. Whatever.
And maybe even a second night, but let the kid pick what you guys are doing and everybody
participates a family.
“Honestly, behind every screen there is definitely a kid quietly saying, please don't forget”
about me. And I need help. And maybe there's also a small dog on your shoulder, maybe questioning life choices. But let's face this, screens are going away. We have to learn to navigate the world with them, evolve into people that use them as a
tool and can separate their dopamine rush from what they really need as a tool. And we need to help our kids develop into adults that can see the difference. But screens are going away, but neither is our influence. In fact, it should only get stronger with time. So if we stay connected, we don't just manage screen time.
We really raise kids who can navigate the world. And it's not what we're going forward to begin with. So stay clever little foxes and definitely stay safe on that internet. Take it easy.
