Jay’s Must-Listens: The Biggest Lessons From 10 of Our Most Inspiring Conversations

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Joy is essential and it's also elusive, but now, there's a new and exciting way to start your

journey toward a more joyful existence. Joy 101. It's a new podcast hosted by me, How To Copy. If you're craving inspiration to maximize your joy, tune into these candid, uplifting, and moving on air chats. Open your free eye-hot radio app search, Joy 101, and listen now. Joy 101 with Hoda Coffee is presented by CVS. And conversations explored what it really means to live with purpose.

And you turned that into something far bigger than I ever imagined. The community we built together became a place of learning, reflection, and genuine connection. Now, this isn't a goodbye to YouTube. It's a new chapter in how we share these conversations. You'll be able to watch our full video interviews on Netflix and Spotify video, and we'll continue showing up here on YouTube in new ways as we keep building this community together.

The heart of this has never changed. It's always been about helping you live a life that

feels more intentional, more meaningful, and more true to who you are. I'm deeply grateful you've been a part of this, and I can't wait to continue this journey together. It's just the beginning. Today's episode felt like the perfect moment to look back. This is a collection of some of the most powerful conversations we've shared over the years, the moments that challenged us, shifted us,

“and stayed with us. That's not it. I think to myself, how can I make sling this day better?”

Like how, what can I do in my day to make her day better? Because then that makes my day better. And I wanted to find a person like that. And I know when Selena wakes up like the first thing she's thinking is like, how can I make his day better? And we have such a given take.

Like I could never even see a world where I would ever yell at her. She would ever yell at me like,

"We don't argue like that." Like I feel like I feel like we just have conversations. Like there's never an argument. Sometimes she'll say, "This is so funny." No, boy. No, no, no. She'll do this, and it's really cool. I'm feeling a little irritated, and I think I need like 25 minutes. And I'll say, "Okay." And then I give her her space, and then after like five minutes, she texts me, she's like, "Hey, will you come back?" But it's knowing that and we have the proper

boundaries set with each other. Like I don't have to be on top of for every second. She doesn't have to be on top of me every second or together. I just want to know she's in the house. So I can say, "Hey, I love you." And then go back to what I'm doing. You know what I mean? Because look, we're both highly independent people, okay? But we're both little mushes who just need to be attached to that we are so cheesy and so fun. Yeah. I love the maturity. I mean, hearing you both talk about,

yes, but let's be clear. We are not the perfect... No, that's not perfect. We're so silly.

“No, no, no, no. I think the maturity of, and I agree with you, I think that's actually the”

difference. And I'm glad you brought that up. I think there's a big difference between maturity and perfection. Perfection is saying we never have a disagreement. We never have to take space from each other. You know, which you're not saying. You're saying, "Hey, I just asked for 25." Yeah. And then I was like, "Wait a minute. I need to be there." And I think there's a maturity in that, because it requires maturity from both parts. For you to first say, "Hey, I need space."

For you to say, "I get it. I respect you." And then for you to have the maturity to say, "Actually, I want you back." And for you to be like, "No, like, oh, I told you so." For you to be like, "I'm here for you." Like, that's not perfection. To me, that's maturity. And I think that's I really want people to get that from it that you are going to have disagreements. You are going to want space. Like me and Riley went through that she at the beginning of our relationship

if we had a disagreement. And we were the same. We never, we made a rule that we'd never raise our voices at each other because I came from a home where it was not great. She comes from a home where her parents don't raise their voices. But I was just like, I never wanted them my home. I wanted the

everyone just walked in and felt like a warm hug. And I was like, we can't argue. And then expect

“that to happen. But it took a long time for us to realize that when she at the start of our disagreements,”

she wanted space. And I used to say to her, "Well, if you don't want to talk about it right now, that means you don't care about me." And that wasn't true. She just needed space to process. So it took time for us to mature. For me to realize, wait a minute, you wanting space is you caring. Yeah. Yeah. The relationship. When you start dating someone, you're not only dating them, you're dating every single person they have ever dated. Every single relationship they have

ever had in their past. Every because you're getting every piece of baggage of that person's carried in that what they've learned through their own personal life, through their life with partners, with their parents, with this that I had to find a way to build that trust with or not make it feel overbearing and make it feel real and make her actually believe it. And vice versa. Like, I know that she fully, if I say, "Hey, I'm just going to do this today." There's nowhere in her mind

that's thinking that. And if for any chance that she, I always told her, I said, "It's okay.

If you have moments of doubt in something and a feeling, always talk to me and I'll talk you through anything that you may have that you know, if you say, "Hey, I know this is a crazy thing. I just had a dream." And I woke up from this dream and I was upset. Sometimes she'll just say, "Please tell me I can trust you. Or please tell me you're not doing anything stupid." And I say, "You can call me any time you want." And I'm aware of her strengths and I'm aware of her weaknesses. And what I try to do

is surround her with a lot of things to help her. So if she's away and I have to go to a dinner than a party, then this thing, then that thing, it's a simple text in between each things. It says, "Hey, babe, I'm going to this next thing I'm thinking about you." Wait, so the album, I said, "I love you first." Yes. So Selena, you said, "I love you first." Yes, she said it.

What made you want to say that because that's a big step I have.

“I definitely have never been before. So this is the first time in your life you were the first?”

Yes. Well. I wanted him to also know how committed I was. And deep down I just felt that. And I, I was tired of protecting myself. We had spent enough time together where, you know, I felt like this was my person. And I, I had the courage enough to say it. But I was very nervous and luckily he said it back. And the thing that's crazy is, you know, before you say I love you, it's like this thing. It's like taboo, you're scared to say.

And then after you're like, oh my god, I can't, like you want to say it a thousand times in a row. You never want, I can't even understand how I went so long without saying it to her. I say it three thousand times a day to her. And I'm like, I make sure every day I say, I love you so much.

Like I love you a million times. And then I always tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky I am to have

her every day. You know what? So annoying like you. And I always want it. No, and I always want to do that because I want her to know that every day, I don't take any of anything for granted. And I still look at her and my breath gets taken away in so many different ways. And I, I said to her last night, we were sitting, we were in like the pool or something together last night. And we were just hanging out. And I was just like, you're so beautiful. And I don't mean that just physically. I'm saying like,

you can feel it. There's like a ring like an aura around her that exudes just like warmth in it. And it just like making me want to cry. And I, how do you react in the moment when the happens to Lena? Because Benny, we're basically the same person. I do the same thing to my wife. Yeah, I do that to Roddy. Oh, I was so lucky Roddy will just pull the funniest face in the world.

Yeah, I was like, how do you react when Benny's telling you, Lisa, amazing things to Lena.

Because I say, no, let's be honest, I also am equally grateful. And I tell him that all the time, I, I just, it makes me feel like it's not real. And I'll like sometimes I'll be like,

“this seems too good to be true. Like he's so sweet to me. But now I've accepted it. I think I,”

I actually love it. So much that it just makes me want to give him that support and that love back. So it's safe to say I feel much safer doing now. And I like it. I think so many people feel that when someone's that nice and that's coming from someone who's like that myself with friends, family and obviously with my, with my wife too, a lot of the time

open about their feelings, especially I get asked that a lot when I'm giving

relationship or dating advice, people be like, oh, no, but if, if I come on too strong, people get turned off what this time was different for you, where it's like, he's being really

“affectionate, he's being really open, but there's a part of you that realizes that's what you want.”

And that's what you deserve. What I felt for Benny, it was, it was, everything about him was honest. It wasn't just that he was honest with me. He was honest about where he was out in my him, he'll tell me anything that he's feeling and it made me feel like I could do the same. But he's the one person, you know, and you're saying those nice things to me there that's like so sweet, but I believe him to where I'm not going to believe someone who is blowing smoke

up my mind, but to just make me feel good, he's saying it because he means it. And I believe it. Yeah, that's beautiful. That honesty that someone has in every area of their life, including their bad days, their tough days, their challenging days, then when they're saying that,

“yeah, whether their days good or bad and they feel that way, if resonates with us, I think we all,”

we all sense that the biggest drug, it's not cocaine, it's not heroin, it's not milder, opioids and the biggest drug. It's fine. And now it's more accessible in different doses. It's the biggest drug and the reason why it's the biggest drug, because it's a drug that makes you feel like you are powerful and like everywhere you go, anything you want, everything you want, it's a thing. And if you can't handle this thing, the consequence is attached

to when that thing is removed or severe. Nobody prepares you for the world of faith. There is no handbook, there is no outline, there is no guide by guide, step one, the step two, there's nothing. You get it. And yesterday you weren't, and today you are, and tomorrow you're

not, we're done. People get shell shot. That to me has always been the point of no return.

At the end of the day, this can wear off, if and when, however, sees or decides and if that were to happen, well, what am I, where am I? It's all going to, it's all going to send it back to, are you happy with who you are and what you did? Are you at a point where you are okay? Do you know you and are you okay with you? If you are not, it'll break you. Your energy is incredible and just the depth, what I love about this and this was my vision with the show and you are helping

me achieve that which I'm very grateful for is I don't think and I love that you've been doing this more and more with the audible, with heart to heart, like we're getting to see your depth. We're getting to see the mind behind you. Again, as we said earlier, we like to limit people. We like to limit people into like, you just be a comedian or you just be a race car driver or you just be a actor and it's like we're starting to realize that like you said, you're not just watching someone's

life on TV. There's a human here. There's, there's a story here and we're getting that with you. Do you think it was, was this something? Was this an epiphany that you had before the accident? Was it that this really, because in your audible when you talk about like how when it's just silent, you figure out what really matters. Like when I heard that, I was just thinking like,

“our near-death experiences you were told when you came out of it, you should be dead and you're”

like, why don't remember anything? Does that feel like that was a moment that there is a massive

awakening or were you already kind of working with somebody? No, I had a, I was always a transparent

and authentic person, but you definitely changed. That's where you, you definitely changed. And by the way, it's still changing. I'm not sitting in front of you. Yes, it's a neat floor. Man, like, I am my dad's child and my mother's child as well. There's nothing more humbling than a quiet room. There's nothing more humbling than the realization of what is really like necessary. What you take for granted and what we don't think twice about is not until that compromise,

that the true appreciation for life, I feel like, in some times, be had. I don't want to speak for everybody because I think there are some people that truly do get it and that truly do think whatever their space or version of a higher power is daily for life and for what they do.

that God has allowed me to live and the opportunities that I've been able to embark apart. But

I got a lot more appreciation after life was almost gone, right? Like, do you really appreciate your toes? Do you really appreciate your fingers? Like, do you really think about your movement, your joints, vision, smell? Do you really think about

“how fortunate and lucky you are? It's the only time where I get a little right slow up, right?”

And when I'm slowing up is because the reality of that was significant. I really almost died. My kids and all that, like, what? As I'm moving so fast, I didn't even have everything dialed up for if said thing were to happen with what? Oh, because I'm I'm out here. I'm just wrong man. I'm out here aimlessly living and I'm moving so fast. I've yet to grasp the true concept and reality of responsibility immediately. Let me get my responsibilities in order.

Because if that had have been, it would have been a lot of people with their hands up as to what how when fame is great, the lights are great. Have hard, have hard, have hard, have hard and one, have one and one. That was in that room. My god then wife, my brother, my kids. You look around,

“got a lot of friends. You got a lot of people to love you, but then you started to,”

well, what really matters? That's when my mind says start to the change. That's when you go okay. My approach to just me and working on me, it needs to be different. I've contradicted myself a lot of sense. You know, I want to slow down and make sure I give my family more time. I have. That doesn't mean that they can't be more. The day to day battle of am I giving enough and my, you know, I much dad loves you. I'm here. I'm like, you know,

always working to make sure I do more, but is it enough? My work of hollock? Okay, but that's not

a bad thing because I'm, you love the work. Yes, you do. That's a passion. You get, you got something that you go after every day. That is a driving source for me. I'm not in the business of letting that go. But, well, you better put your hands on these people or make sure you better make sure that you are giving the time that you said you would when you were in that time of solace. Okay. All right. I'm constantly talking to myself. I have these conversations all the time. That's

the beauty of taking my little runs, the beauty of working out being in the gym. You talk to yourself. You better talk to yourself. You better have conversations. Figure out a young and young of good and bad for me. It was about personal involvement after that accident. And still trying, it's the biggest battle. It's the biggest battle is just doing right all the time. That's a battle. I used to value, I mean, stuff. I live in an area where there would be fires a lot. And there was

probably four times we had to fully pack up the house. Everything out. House is catching on fire,

property caught on fire, like really close to losing everything. First time packed up my entire

shoe and bad closet. And a lot of them, because they were memory stuff from my dad, stuff in high school, but all designer stuff, also videos, photos, whatever, digitized everything, put everything important somewhere else. Second, pack up the designer stuff, but leave some of the clothes. You know, I don't really need all the clothes. But I packed a hotel for months, bags and every designer thing that I had to come. Third time, leave all the bags and shoes. I don't need them. We got all the

photos. We got all the, my little blankie when I was little, you know, the kids stuff, fourth time, leave everything. Me and my babies. That's all I need. You know, I have all my photos, digitized. I have everything, digital. We got our passports were good. And that like evolution of like, they had to go in and get all my designer stuff. Or I'm not leaving my house. You know, it's going to

“catch on fire. And now I'm like, nothing is worth it. Nothing is important. And I think that comes”

from life experiences, scary experiences, things shaking you to your core to make you realize that nothing is important. You can't, I know everyone says this, but like you can't take it with you.

detachment doesn't mean that you own nothing. It means that nothing owns you. And I feel so

often we become owned by our loved that dreams, our desires, our pursuits, our things. Yeah. It doesn't mean that we have to give them all away or we don't have those things. It's just if and when we have to let go. Totally. Are we willing, are we able to let go? Totally. Even with work stuff. I mean, it doesn't just have to be the material things. Like you said, like your dreams, and it's okay to be able to let go, but work so hard to like the opposites are okay, contradicting

yourself a little bit in those ways. Yeah. You know, it's like in in relationships, you can love a person, miss a person so much, but still have the wisdom to know they're not your person and

“you're better off not together. That like opposite connection with everything. I think is really”

important to have that awareness in everything in life, relationships, material things, all of that. Yeah. I I I I officiated, waiting a few years ago and someone came up to me from the audience and and said to me, Jay, I realized from what you were saying that they just gone through a breakup recently and they were saying, Jay, I realized that I loved that person, but we didn't like each other anymore. And it was that essence of like the lowest be that deep,

love for each other. Yeah. But we just don't like family, you know, like you love people and but it's okay to to feel a protection of a person, but then also protecting yourself and realizing

“when you have to and when it's time. And it's okay to feel all of the opposite emotions. You know,”

I think as long as you're really well aware and go through the motions and feel things and don't

hold things in, it's so important. Whether it's, you know, breakup, deaths. I've always been really

clear, headed and like gone through the feelings, gone through the emotions, more in those relationships, more in those life-long relationships that you hope for and then also be okay and calm and realizing, I've always been someone like, okay, my dad died. What why is this happening? What was his purpose here and how are we going to grow and learn from this experience? And I always said that like right when he passed and I was felt it and super emotional about it and

you know, cry all the time when great things happened that I wish he was here. But also, I had a wisdom at like a younger age to understand that this is like a part of our journey

“and a part of our like evolution and this happens and this is why you have to hold on to relationships”

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I mean, how many times have you heard people say, oh, you know, social media and like all that, you know, people can't walk down the street without listening to music. Everybody has to be visually stimulated all the time. There's no peace. There's no quiet. We're we're not comfortable being quiet with ourselves and looking inward and asking ourselves,

“why am I here? What am I doing? Or what is my intention in a specific choice I'm making right now?”

Whether it's about my work or the way I'm raising my children decisions that I make about

everything really. I have to ask myself. And if you don't have a spiritual life, you're never

going to stop and ask any questions. You're just going to plow through life. And if you just and you're going to see everything that happens to you as just a random event. And I don't believe that anything is random. I think everything that happens to us is meant to happen to us to teach us some kind of lesson. But, you know, the question is, are you aware enough? Are you awake enough? Are you interested enough to find out what that reason is? Like, why did this happen to me?

What is my lesson? I don't want to go through life seeing everything that happens to me as random, but I also don't want to go through life as a victim. And I've had a pretty challenging life and it's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself or like being a victim or, you know, why isn't this happening to other people? Why isn't happening to me? Why don't I have what that person has? I'm sure you know the expression comparison is the killer of choice. So, you know,

“it's like, you got to get out of that game. You have to have a spiritual life. You just have to.”

You're reminding me of something beautiful that I came across called the third space theory. Have

you heard of it? It's this idea that as humans around 50 years ago, we had three spaces. So, we had work, we had home, and then you had a temple, a synagogue, a church, a community center, or a third space. And the point of that third space, it's kind of what you're saying, was a place that you could look back at work and home, and you could reflect on your life. You could take stock. You could introspect. But as time's gone on, what's happened is we lost that third space. We stopped going to

temple, church, community, whatever place of self-reflection, and we ended up with working home, and then after the pandemic, we lost work. And so now we're in one space, and we don't have a

“different vantage point to where we are anymore, which is what I think you're saying. Go back”

on even one more step to me is like a prison. If you get, if you remove the spiritual life,

spiritual practice, you remove the workplace, then you're in the home, and then removed once more from home is you're looking at your phone, which is even takes you out of home. It's a great point, yeah. So where are you? You're in the virtual world. Yeah, we're living in the virtual world, not even in the material world, which is. Yes, but a virtual and a virtual world is not a bad world, but if you don't have consciousness, there's really no point to living. Yeah, it's interesting to think

about that, because I feel like everyone can relate to the idea that if we all had, we need physical spaces to sometimes make us do internal things. Yes, I mean, some kind of ritual is sick behavior. How has to happen? What have been your rituals? I'm intrigued. What I'm curious, what are your spiritual practices and rituals that have been so supportive and emblematic of your journey that have kept you going at the times. As you said, there were so many times,

you could give up or things could go wrong or you kept pushing and they kept you locked. What were they? What are they? Well, one really important thing is studying, making time every week to sit down and study. I mean, you can study the Bible, you can study the poetry of Kahil Gibran, or you can study the Vedas, you know. And you did that, right? You actually studied different traditions on your journey. To be honest, before I discovered Kabbalah, I was looking for answers.

And why do you think that was? Why are you looking for answers? Because I had everything that people would assume would give you happiness. I had a successful career. I had fame, fortune, monetary things, physical things, but I wasn't happy and I naturally sought out. Well, when I was a dancer, I had a roommate. She was a Buddhist and she would get up and chant

Everything bothers me. Everything bothers me. I'm, you know, I'm a Leo. I'm Italian. I'm very dramatic.

“I wouldn't say she was peaceful all the time, but I was just struck by her confidence.”

And her knowingness at everything was happening for a reason. She never got upset about things.

And this is in the beginning of my career when I was living in New York. And I was broke. And a lot of crazy things happened to me. It's really scary. Traumatic things. And I would always ask her, her name is Mariana. I would always say, "Why are you like, never upset?" So I attributed that to her spiritual life, but it didn't speak to me. And then later on, I started practicing yoga, Astaga yoga. And my teacher Eddie Stern,

he still has a love that he's great. You know, Eddie? Yeah, he's amazing. I got quite caught up in and competitive about, like, for a series, second series, there's a series. But one thing I noticed is that a lot of people would come into his practice, his studio where he taught. And they wouldn't even do the poses. They would just go and sit in front of the statue of Ganesh or light candles or prayer. And I realized, and Eddie pointed it out to me, because sometimes I went up injuries,

I would, or I would be traveling and I couldn't practice yoga. And he said, "Look, are you breathing?" And I'd say, "Yes." And he said, "You're practicing yoga." So I realized that I was too still to caught up in the physical poses. He's like, "No, you don't understand. You're missing the whole point. The poses are just something that you do to breathe through, to calm your nervous system down.

And to bring you back to your center." And that really spoke to me. You know, you always get asked

when you're like promoting these big films. Like, "So, do you guys hang out on set?" And like, "Do you guys hang out?" And like, "Are you all friends?" And everyone's sort of like, nods enthusiastically. But the truth is no one has seen each other outside of work. Like, very, very, very rarely. Mostly because the schedule isn't sane. Everyone's so tired that when they get any time off, you're going straight back to your whole room to try to claw in any piece of rest that you possibly can.

And like, I don't know. Like, it friendships require time and trust and presence. And those things like very rarely come about. They can and they do occasion me. But it's more of a more of a, you know, solar eclipse than an everyday situation. So, yeah. But you have to pretend.

“I think that's the part that starts to feel. Iki after a while is like, you have to pretend”

that you're all best friends. And what's so sad. And I know this isn't just the case for me. But like, I think people wish they were. I think we wish we did have those real connections. And we did have that real support. And so having to pretend that something exists that you actually really want, but don't have is like, it's like, that's it. Pretty grainy in the wound, you know. It's like, it's pretty like tough pill to swallow, to have to act out something that you wish

were real, but isn't real. And I think that's the part that starts to kind of, yeah, I can speak for myself. But those are definitely the moments where I've been like, this feels dark. Like, anyone else, like, this feels dark. Yeah. And there's such a real reminder that it's still work. And it's almost like asking anyone who works at any company and

saying, hey, do you hang out with your team after work every night? And the answer is, that's probably no.

Yeah, and everyone's going home to their family. And maybe you've got a couple of, of course, you've got a couple of friends at work. And it's wonderful if you have a friend at work that you work out with or see after hours. But you're not hanging out as the whole crew. It's, it's very unlikely. 100%. And it is that reality check. If no, but this is all suggest work. Yeah. And they're character stories and not their personal stories. And it doesn't. And that's

what I wanted to go about. You mentioned there. You talked about how Harry Potter had a family feel. And I want to ask you, how did that come about in the first place? What, what was

“where did the auditions come from? Like, how did that become the part of your life?”

Yes. So I did not go to a performing arts school. I'd never done anything. I never acted professionally. But they came, they did like a basically country-wide search to find Harry Hermione and Ron. And so they asked my school if they wanted to submit any students who loved drama, who wanted to audition. And so I was one of, I think, about 12 students that was asked if I wanted to audition. I don't know. It was weird. I had this weird, weighted, faded sense of destiny. Pretty much from

seven different beany babies with me along and like all these different like lucky talismans. And I loved the world and the book so much. My dad had been reading them to me before bed when I would spend the weekends with him and on long car journeys. We'd often dry back and

“forwards to France and that's how the time would be passed. And so I was just like loved the world,”

loved Hermione and for me it wasn't so much about acting, so much as it was that like I just the books meant so much to me personally. Did you feel like it was destiny for you or did it

feel like? Did you always feel like it was going to be this? I always, as long as the books were

already, you know. I always felt like Hermione was, I knew I was never auditioning for anything else, like I knew it was her. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. Something felt right about it. And yeah, my poor parents, because if I hadn't, I've got it, I think they knew her crush it. I ended up doing nine auditions over a period of over a year and a half, which for a nine year old is a massive commitment, but I was, I loved her. I loved it. I really did. What I try to do

is just try to be still and understand that things come and go, emotions come and go. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all. And then you can choose to do with them what you want. Versus being controlled by emotion. You know, a lot of times I've seen players even myself,

you know, when I was younger, being consumed by a particular fear and to the point where you're saying,

"Okay, no, it's not good to feel fear. I shouldn't be nervous in this situation," might not. And it does nothing but grow versus stepping back and saying, "Yeah, I am nervous about the situation. Yeah, I am fearful about the situation." Well, what am I afraid of? And then you kind of unpack it, and then it gives you ability to look at it for really what it is, which is nothing more than your imagination running its course, you know? Yeah, absolutely. I love that because what you're saying

“is that when you're dealing with something, it's almost like, how can I get to the root of it?”

Yeah. Because sometimes what we're dealing with, like you're saying, it's an imagination and illusion, it's not really a thing, you know? You think about game winning shots or game winning free throws and people go to the free throw and they're nervous about it. What are you really nervous about? If you unpack that, okay, you're nervous that you're going to miss the shot. All right, so you miss the shot, then what happens? People are going to be embarrassed. You're

going to be embarrassed because thousands of people, millions of people see you miss the shot. All right, and then what people are going to talk bad about you. Okay, right, and so you're looking at equal, are those things even important? Yeah. You know what I mean? If that is my fear, like what is you worried about letting your teammates down? Okay, have you let them down before? Well, I'm sure and practice and things of that nature, right? They're still there,

you know? And so when you're able to unpack it, you kind of look at it for what it is,

“which is really nothing. Yeah, I love that. Breaking it out. I think that's so important. I think”

everyone who's listening or watching right now, next time you're facing a fear, next time you're

going again, something do that. Literally, I'm packet. Don't just settle for your first answer

because the first answer is really the right one. Don't hide from it. You know, you've got to be able to look at it and you know, and deal with it head on. Yeah, I love that man. And you talk about that because you talk about, you know, when you talk about missing five throws and you talk about getting over yourself, right? Like getting over yourself. How did you get that mentality of just being like, I need to get over this? Like I need to get over myself. You know, trial and error, you grow

up and you make game winning shots and it's awesome. You come back the next day and miss a game winning shot and it's misery. And then the next day comes and you're back playing again and you understand that life has this cyclical nature, where it's, you know, what you do on Monday, it's fantastic. But then Tuesday is a bad day. But guess what? There's Wednesday. So we just supposed to live our lives like this the whole time. You know, versus just staying like this and understanding

that it's really just a journey of evolution every day. It's just constant improvement, constant curiosity, constantly getting better. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matter. Yeah. And we all get obsessed about the results. Yeah. Like we get obsessed about like the output. Yeah. Not the input of not figuring it out and not like changing things. What you said, trial and error like the experimenting. Yeah. We forget to do that. It's unfortunate. Man, like I've

seen a lot of players, especially now and, you know, and youth basketball dealing with that, you know, players are like bigger and faster and stronger and, you know, their coaches are just coaching them for results. You know, we're just going to use your size because you're bigger than every other 12 year old out there to dominate today. But they're not growing. Right. So they're just

up better and athlete and through that, it teaches them how to become a more well-rounded person.

“And we're missing that. Yeah. See what you've said there, just I want to ask you this and I'm”

not saying it because I, you know, like you know yourself best and you know how you've got there. So I'm asking it from a place of humility of learning. When I look at you, I'm like, you know, your superpower isn't just your work ethic, your superpower isn't just like figuring things out. Your superpower is like you think strategically. Like that's a very strategic thought of saying, this person could be this in the future if they would develop as a whole individual rather than just

like less used them for the short term. Right. And where did you develop that from that ability to see beyond to think deeper to reflect deeper? Where did that come from? Well, I had to do that because,

you know, I grew up growing up in Italy when I first moved over there was, you know,

speak Italian and have any friends. You know, I had the game of basketball and through sport and playing soccer. I was able to make friends and build connections. But there's a lot of time

“spent the loan. And when I came back to the States, I wasn't the most athletic kid. You know,”

I was really strong and like really, really skinny and had like major knee issues because I was growing. So I was the dorky kid with high socks and big old knee pads. Fashionable now. It's fashionable now. When then, you're wondering. And so I had to look long-term because in the here and now, I couldn't compete with these kids. I mean, there was kids that were like 12 years old with beer. It's like a kid. What's supposed to do with that? Like they're doing windmills and Duncan

backwards and I'm happy to like tap the bagboard. You know, so I had to look at it from a long term. Because I wasn't going to give up on the game. Right. So I had to say, okay, this year, I'm going to get better at that. Next year, this, and then so forth and so on. And then patiently I was able to catch them. The quote is, if you have a problem with me, text me, and if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me. Yeah, it's so good.

And I think that that is such a great piece of advice because as a celebrity, you live on this stage. You live out there. You kind of give out a version of yourself that you want people to see. And that can be the version of yourself that they can have a problem with or they can love. And there is a, you know, I feel like I'm quite authentic in my public persona, but I just try to really care about what my family thinks, what my friends think, what the people in my local community

think I live in Kingston, I know everyone that lives there. I can't walk five feet without bumping into one of my mum's friends. So yeah, so it's something I've been working on. I try my best to not let that stuff affect me. It does. Yeah, of course. I'm not cold-hearted or anything like that. It does affect me, but I just try to move on and focus on the positives. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. What was a, did you ever see your dad deal with everything you thought? Wow, that was incredible. I was

“there anything specific that you remember that like seeing him like tackle something and you thought,”

wow, that really impressed me. Even if it was something really small in hindsight. I think the thing I had my most about my dad is his resilience. You know, he's someone who has had an incredibly successful career in his earlier life and then later in life his career sort of plateaued and he struggled

and he's never stopped. He's never given up. He's still gig into this day. He's still writing

books. He has a patron. He has a podcast. He's constantly grafting to get to where he wants to be. And I think being a young kid and seeing your dad continually working as hard as he can to kind of put his best foot forward for me has been a huge drive for my work ethic. I'll give it 100% or I'll give it nothing. And I think a lot of that has come from my dad and seeing him deal with that. The funny thing about my dad, as you talk about doing a bag gig, I must have seen him 20 times.

I've never seen him do that. He always seems to absolutely rip it, but maybe that's just because we're in the audience. But I owe a lot to my dad and a lot of the teachings are things he's told me and things I've just witnessed him. Yeah. And was there ever a piece of feedback or a rumor or something you saw that did affect you where you actually thought, or at least made you stop and go, God, I'm trying to see the positives, but this one's tough. Like this actually made me have to

pause and figure it out. Something that did really upset me, I was in New York. I was shooting the crowning a crowded room and I was having a really hard time with the job just because of how taxing it was the emotional capacity that I was having to get to every day. And I decided to delete my Instagram because I just felt like I was so addicted to this kind of false version of my life that it was just taking over. I would be on set working. I'd come and sit in my chair and just

scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll and it was becoming a problem. I was just obsessed with it and I was obsessed to find out what people were saying and how people what they thought about me. So I decided to make an announcement which unfortunately we have to do and say that I'm taking a break from social media and I try to position myself and say like I'm taking a break from social

is the press ran with that and they tried to make out that I was having this mental breakdown

and what upset me was if I was having a mental breakdown that's not for you to report on it they they took the story in the wrong direction and they tried they painted again this negative light on mental health rather than saying oh he's doing it it's okay that he's doing it so we should all feel okay to do it too. They were saying oh look he's not the perfect happy go lucky

“kid you think he is he's having a nervous breakdown in New York and I think that that was a really”

unfair line of journalism let's say he because I just think it again kind of painted people looking for help in the wrong light if you know what I mean. Yeah yeah absolutely absolutely it almost sounds like you were actually preemptively going I'm doing this so that I don't go in that direction totally at least I'm not trying to put words in your mouth but absolutely it's almost like I'm proactively seeing that I could end up in a position where sure I might

have a breakdown I don't want to be in that position and so I'm responsibly saying guys I'm taking a break right in order to protect myself 100% yeah which makes a lot of sense and actually it's quite admirable again. Totally and that's kind of what the message of the show is about like the message of our show is that asking for help should be something that we celebrate if you're struggling if you need help if you feel bad and you wake up and and you go to their friend

a therapist a teacher an employee or a colleague and say I'm really struggling I need some help that should be something that we give you a pattern the back like I would love to help you that I'm delighted that you asked me and that for me that announcement was kind of my olive branch and the press ran with it how they ran with it but to be fair it kind of gave me a great drive to finish the crowded room in the way that we did to like if you're not going to listen to my

“personal message then you have to listen to the message of my show yeah so it kind of went hand in hand”

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joy 101 on the iHeart Radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts I just wanted to do dry January and all I could think about was having a dream all I could think about I was waking up thinking about it I was checking the clock when's it 12 and it just really scared me I just was like wow maybe maybe I have a little bit of an alcohol thing so I sort of decided to punish myself and say I'll do February as well I'll do two months off

if I can do two months off then I can prove to myself I don't have a problem two months go by and I was still really struggling I felt like I couldn't be social I felt like I couldn't go to the pub and have a lime soda I couldn't go out for dinner I was really really struggling and I started to really worry that maybe I had an alcohol problem so I decided that I would wait

into my birthday which is June first I said to myself if I can do six months without alcohol

then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem and by the time I had got to June first I was the happiest I would ever been in my life I could sleep better I could handle problems better things that would go wrong on set that would normally set me off I could take in my stride I had

why why am I enslaved to this drink why am I so obsessed by the idea of having this drink and I would look back and recognize that I would go to events for for work and be like I can't enjoy myself until I've had a few beers and I just felt so much pressure and this is one of the things why I've sort of distanced myself from the rugby community because so much of it is about how much

“can you drink let's get you as drunk as possible and it's honestly been the best thing I've ever”

done I'm a year and a half into it now it doesn't even cross my mind I've found amazing replacements that I think are fantastic once that are also a really healthy I found this one be other it's full of electrolytes and it's you know the carbohydrates and it's a long lasting energy so like having a beer is now actually like a really healthy thing I'm really lucky

that all my friends are super supportive about it I've never run into that scenario where my

friends and I'll go on just have a beer like you're fine they've always sort of really supported me and I don't want to be that person that's saying to people you should get sober you should get sober if I get encouraged someone to drink less then that's great but I don't want to start getting into the world of you need to stop drinking because I just it's it's not for me to say I went on my own little journey I'm really enjoying it I've delighted that my mum's all wrote

as also given up she's loving it and it's been amazing I can't believe the difference that I feel from not drinking yeah I feel amazing that's amazing I love hearing that and I love hearing

“that it's been great for you right I think yeah that's the point not everything has to be like”

look what I did you can do it too it's kind of like no this is just what's been great for me do you think it was partly that attitude for you at least in the beginning where it's like well look I can drink I drink a lot come from my mum jeans and it doesn't affect me and then all of a sudden you realise well wait a minute it's more than that because I think there is that like I was like that as a young man as well like for me it was it was easy to drink I didn't drink

daily for me I drank a lot more socially and I love playing drinking games when we're mates yeah yeah that was really what I enjoyed the most probably and for me when I quit I could just quickly

see how it just got me in to doing things I would never do if I wasn't drunk so for sure

for me it was more that but yeah I wonder for you did you find that it's there's a really fine line between like I know I can drink a lot and then all of a sudden you're kind of a dick not a dick to be on that no I'm happy to say like I was definitely addicted to alcohol

“not shine away from that at all I think anyone that wakes up and has it not wakes up anyone that”

has a beer every day is probably got a little bit of a problem but yeah you're right I would drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and then you would just reach that moment where you're like wow I shouldn't have had that last beer and you wake up the next day and you have a terrible headache and you're suffering I bought one of those rings that will tell you about your sleep yeah or a ring yeah it was amazing because I couldn't sleep I was like why can't I sleep I'm working 14 hours a day

I'm doing 2 hours in the gym I'm eating really healthily and I can't sleep what's wrong with me

I bought this ring and it was booze it just it was completely affecting my sleep and since I've given it up I can sleep anywhere you know it's also interesting as well going on nights out and having a great time as the sober person and then getting to that point in the night where people start you know spitting in your ear and everyone's I love you man I love you so much you know yeah brilliant I love you too I see tomorrow I'm going to bed I love being that person now I love

seeing my friends on the golf course at 8 a.m. in the morning feeling fresh and ready to go and they're sort of crawling out there so yeah so I'm over the moon yeah sober I love it there are three pillars of adult friendship based on research that are also going to help you understand that when people come and go in your life 99% of the time it's not personal and you actually haven't lost them as friend one of the three pillars is missing

so the three things that need to be required to have a friendship happen are the same three things that were around all the time when you were a kid number one proximity proximity matters tremendously proximity means who are you actually physically next to in fact they've done research J if you and I were in a dorm and we lived across the hall I don't I don't remember the percentages exactly but it's like 90% chance we're going to be friends the poor person at the end of the hallway

10% chance that we're going to be friends with them because of proximity even a matter of 50 feet makes a difference and so when you were little you were in proximity to people your age all the time all day exactly the research also shows that to have as an adult a kind of casual friend you need to spend approximately 70 hours with somebody to have a close friend 200 hours so when you're an adult that creates a big problem because who are you spending all your time with once you're 20

the American time study shows that it's with people you work with so why aren't we best friends with people at work because you have proximity and you're spending a lot of time together but here's the thing timing when you were little you were in the same timing of life with everybody yeah

friends are getting married some are going to graduate school some are now pursuing jobs other people are moving out of the city into the city everybody's timing is now different and this also

explains why you're almost never best friends with people at work because the timing is off

you're sitting next to people that are in very different times of their life you may like them a lot and you may be friends but you never spend time outside of work because they're at home with their family and you're going out with your buddies your age on the weekends and then that brings me to the third thing that needs to be present for a friendship to truly click and that's energy and the thing about energy is it changes and you can have fantastic energy with somebody and then

if you decide you're not drinking anymore the energy is off yeah if you decide to get really focused on fitness the energy is off if you have very different political beliefs the energies off

it's not personal it's one of these three pillars and it just helped me so profoundly Jay

“to realize that people come and go and it's a beautiful thing and you should let them”

and you should really if you have a friendship that starts to dissipate right ask yourself before you blame them or you blame you are any one of these three pillars missing are we not near each other anymore is the timing of our lives off is there just something about the energy that hasn't clicked because you can't force those things but what I've found is that when you recognize that those are really important factors to your connection to someone else

that if a friendship starts to fade for me it's so easy to say let them and I don't wish anybody bad I literally wish people well because the other thing that I've learned and you know being 56 I've had a lot of friends coming go in different phases of my life that you would be startled by how many people from your past that you no longer quote consider friends because you haven't seen them in a very long time or things just got weird if you actually

called them they'd pick up the font they would if you texted them the research shows that when you get a surprise text from somebody that you haven't heard from in a long time the amount of joy that you feel and so I want you to consider if you're very lonely right now that there's actually probably hundreds of people from your past that still consider you a friend and if you take the

“approach that I'm talking about which is friendship is your responsibility you need to go first”

let me create the friendship and the connection that I want and you can start by literally

taking a look through your past and thinking about people that you remember finally and just sending

them a text and you will be startled by what comes back because they're there they haven't actually gone anywhere the connection is still there and oftentimes even if you've had somebody where something's been off again let them and wish them well and there will be a time I promise you were the timing or proximity or energy comes back around again it took me a while to learn that you know there's no way we could be everything to each other we have different interests different

goals there was a stage in my marriage where I thought that's what a partner was supposed to be you

“know you should call me all the time we should talk all the time we should be each other's best friends”

all the time our marriage got better when I got better about that because I think he already had that independence this this notion of I love you I don't even if I don't talk to you today that to me is like I don't need that I felt like I needed more of that but as I got older right I got more mature more clear about my own goals I realized that I you know he can't be responsible for my happiness I have to be responsible for that I have to define it for myself after learn how to achieve it

my husband has definitely a part of that but he is not the he I cannot put him in the center of my happiness that freed me up to let him be him and let me be me so I have friends who give me things that my husband doesn't give me I have girlfriends who have one distinction that we have is like I may talker all right when I sit down with my girlfriends we can talk four days I mean literally for days we can take a break for lunch but we can talk you know my husband's not he can talk but

he he will come by a friendship session you know nine o'clock in the morning I have a friend staying with me and he's like what are you all talking about is like well we're just now getting into our

I couldn't do that right he can't be that for me but I have really good mostly girlfriends who give me that you know they we will dissect the life to the bitter we will ring everything out of every

“subject and he's like I think I'm done yes I was like well you can go be done because I've got her”

and we just got started we're gonna we got 12 more hours to go right and that's so beautiful to hear because I think especially when we're young we think that that person has to be all of that and from the beginning and all they'll become it there's the other fallacy of like oh well I know who they could be and who they could become how much of that did you feel you had to disconnect and detach from of like what this person could be to you obviously not in the world but I didn't

disconnect from all of those beliefs right and every couple is different I found I know people who are each other's best friends they'd like to travel together they walk and hold hands and I have friends who are in relationships where they talk like every hour like you talk to him again nothing changed you know it's up to the individuals to define that for themselves for Barack and I and I think you should be clear about that because the other thing is that when we hold on internally to an expectation

of the other person we don't even share it so now we're mad that you haven't even feel something

I've never even told you I needed you know that takes time then it takes work which is why marriage is

hard right because you'll have the tendency to live in your head and live out the image of what you want them to be and you haven't even communicated that to them that's just one little fraction of the challenge of marriage and friendship and all of that it's hard it takes time but it's worth it absolutely yeah I think those those check-ins of the hardest I know that there's there's four check-ins that I try and keep a good habit around with my wife that have really helped me one of them is

everyday Alaska like what was your highlight today or what did you learn today something

“something positive something like what's the best thing that happened to you today I want to know”

because it's so easy for us to get so busy in our days not see each other all day not speak all day and days can go by like that too because we're also traveling then every week I try and ask her like how can I what can I help you with this week like is there something coming up that I just need to be aware of sometimes it's just information and that gives me an opportunity to also tell I've got a really stressful week coming up just know that I may not be in my best this week I'm just

letting you know every month you know checking in with a and trying to just say to her like what's what's your big focus for this month like you know what what's the big thing that you're working on then every year is easy like you know what your goal is you know a resolution or whatever and I find that those questions and sometimes every quarter I'll ask a question which is the hardest one but it's like is this relationship going in the direction you want it and if it isn't what are you

willing to do and what am I willing to do to get it back on track yeah because I find so often like

“if you just don't talk about that deep intimacy just going on different tracks and that's why”

five years later you're like why don't know you anymore yeah yeah and so I find that like staying in close contact but one of the biggest things I read which I wanted to try with you was the Godman Institute talked about how the number one skill or habit in relationships and they looked at couples who stayed together the longest and they found it wasn't date nights it wasn't vacations it wasn't any of this stuff it was learning how to fight oh it was knowing how to deal

with conflict and most couples obviously we all go well we never fight or we're never going to fight

but it's inevitable so I came up with these three fight styles and I wanted to know okay how you see yourself and how you see President Obama how he would see himself and so here the three fight styles are a vendor which means I want to fix and solve it right now you like a vent you really trying to fix and solve it the second one is you're a hider you need time and space to think about it just want to go spend time by yourself and then the third one is the explodeo where it's like I want

my emotions to be heard felt and seen before we take time about or before we try and solve it which one are you okay so I've changed over I think early on in our relationships I was more of an

explodeer I think he has been always been a fixer right yeah so then I would be explosive and

then want to hide right it's like I want to explode let me have my emotions and then give me a moment yes right and he's like we've got to fix this we've got to you know shut this down we've got to I will figure it out let's talk this through and I love that about him especially as a man you know he is somebody that is not afraid to put his emotions out he's smart and so he knows me so he's

you're a little off and but I've had to learn that exploding on a fixer it doesn't feel good to them right it just you know it feels good for me yes but it doesn't feel good for him right but he's learned that as a hider that I do need a little more time right if I'm exploding I can't be

“rational enough to talk through your fixing and you if you want to fix it then I've got to be an”

irrational place so let me hide for a minute so I didn't get myself down to a fixer place yes I think that's been the trajectory of our sorting through learning how to argue if you can't explain something simply you don't understand it well enough simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence it's a sign of deep understanding as a speaker a leader a communicator a manager whatever you

may be if you're able to be concise simple it will be so much more powerful remember this confusion

creates resistance clarity creates cooperation if someone doesn't understand you they can't support you good communicators ask if they were understood bad communicators assume they were good communicators

“aim for understanding bad communicators aim to be right notice the difference principal”

three people don't argue with facts they argue with threat here's a powerful insight most disagreements are not about facts they're about identity and safety when people feel embarrassed judged or blamed their brain stops listening let me say that again when people feel embarrassed judged or blamed their brain stops listening how many times have you stopped listening when you thought that way now think about all the times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone

I know I've made that mistake I constantly feel that if someone really understands what they got wrong or they were really made clear on the mistake they made that would make them listen more but actually we're not listening to that because it's not factual it feels like opinion it feels personal it feels like an attack researching conflict psychology shows that once someone feels threatened they prioritize self protection over understanding this is actually mind-blowing

you think about all the interaction you have home or work when you make someone feel attacked they're only thinking about protecting themselves effective communicators lower threat first

at work here's what I'm seeing tell me if I'm missing something at home this matters to me

and I want to understand your side these phrases do one thing they create safety remember this people don't need to feel corrected they need to feel considered one safety is present truth can land before sharing feedback before saying something that's hard to hear before you're about to have a difficult conversation first set safety second make sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention of safety and choose your words that really align

with that energy because you want to have an impact a lot of people say well I should just be able

“to say what I want and people should understand well if that's what you want then that isn't a”

relationship based on care it's not a bit relationship based on love it's not a relationship based on connection it's a relationship based on you wanting people to understand you but not taking the moment to understand them I think this can all change for us it can all change when we prioritize

principle four questions change everything one of the most powerful communication tools is curiosity

research from negotiation psychology shows that asking open-ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation statements trigger resistance questions invite collaboration instead of you're not listening ask can you tell me what you heard from what I just said instead of this isn't working ask what do you think would make this work better question shift the dynamic from opposition to partnership here's a phrase that instantly deescalates tension help me understand

of AI there are so many risks that it presents but one of the things that I'm grateful it is done

is that it has brought humans back to asking better questions we grew up at a time when answers were everything now we know answers are everywhere and all of a sudden questions and prompts

“are the key to our intelligence the better you are asking questions the better results you'll”

actually get from AI so that's a great way for us to test whether we know how to ask good questions whether our questioning and curiosity ability is actually improving that's the goal if you can do that you will actually lead your team guide people move people in a much stronger way manifestation is clarity about what you want and what it takes manifestation is writing it down and then building it step by step manifestation is persistence when motivation fades

manifestation is aligning your choices with your values not just your wishes if you just make it about your wishes if you just make it about what you're writing if you don't ever make it about the how right people say start with why really important you should know why you're doing what you're

“doing you should know what you want to build but if you don't know how you're going to get there”

it's almost the hardest thing right if you don't know how you're going to get to the part you're on a Saturday night if you don't know how you're going to get to your vacation destination if you don't know how you're going to build that company it becomes a lot harder spend more time figuring out the how and you know that you're making momentum you know you're making progress you know you're moving in the right direction so the thing is I really wanted to get there I really

want you to experience the joy of building something you love I don't just want it to remain a

dream in your mind and your heart space that never gets to see the light of day myth number four

the universe rewards wanting if I want it badly enough I'll get it it does not work that way desire is fuel but direction is the map without it you spin in circles have you ever desperately wanted a job relationship or whatever it may be but you had no strategy desire without direction is like stepping on the gas with no steering wheel the reticular activating system alternate as RAS filters what you notice define a goal and your brain literally starts

spotting opportunities for example once you think of buying a red car you see them everywhere so here's the step each morning right down three things you want to notice that day maybe new clients learning opportunities or ways to connect your RAS will tune in this is

“so important if you have a goal to write a book start a podcast build a company ask yourself what”

is it that you need I was talking about friend the other day and I'd said to him how important it was for him to show up to networking events I said if you're out of those events you're going to meet people people going to see you you're going to get to connect with them he was avoiding it for months and months and months he finally went to one and he was shocked at what it felt like to be

front of mind when you're present you get to have the conversations you would never get to if you

weren't there so many of us avoid the actual action even though in our mind we're wondering why is this business not taking off why is it not starting off because we're not positioning ourselves in the places that we need to be remember you don't see things as they are you see them through your own fears and hopes you don't see yourself as you are you see the story you keep repeating about who you are you don't see the future as it is you see the version you believe is possible

so many of us have the wish we have the one we have the desire we don't have the direction we don't have the drive and where does that drive come from comes from picking something that you really value I mean everyone would want to be financially free everyone would want abundance those are things we all want what does that look like for you how does that manifest for you when I say that what I mean is how do you envision that how's it unique to you and how are you

going to get there that's unique to you if you connected with today's episode check out my raw and honest talk with the one and only Cardi B she opens up about overcoming depression and how she balanced rising the fame and creating a life for her children when you can't tell me I'm a

elusive but now there's a new and exciting way to start your journey toward a more joyful

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