The Adventure Zone Versus Hercules: Live in Austin!

stuff of stars. At its birth, hard planet was nothing more than a swirling mass of fire

and chaos. Out of the flames, rose the titans, led by the powerful being known as

Cronus. Cronus had three sons, the youngest Zeus, over through his father to become the king of the gods. Zeus, in turn, had many, many, many, many, many children. But there was one born of an affair with a mortal who was held in his father's highest favor, his son, Hercules. Two Hercules, he granted a boon, the greatest gift any parent can give their child. The power of nepotism!

Hello and welcome to The Adventures on Breathless Hercules. Sorry, I don't want to

deal with it. What are you drinking? What is that? What are you drinking? Straight pissed.

“That's what you never had a drink, Oh, that's what you're pissless like. Yeah, man, cloudy”

and oh, it's that square. What's it? What are you drinking? Oh, God. I saw him pulling it out of a big, not a choke, big bag. Yeah. He had a big bag of orange stuff that he's lemonade. Oh, right man. That is not a thing you can pause before saying. It's fun. You should know that it's kind of a tea tonaler and also he did you spirit gum to glue his nose onto his face. Yeah, and it is, it's a closed, it's kind of a closed loop in there.

It's a closed loop, like a feedback of Huffing. Hey, man, that doesn't make me be nervous at all. Oh, wow, it's going to be a weird shit. Give me his lights, man. I'm ready, Trap. All right. Let me leave, please. The three of you have taken a well-earned beach vacation in Morocco

“and that's a live show two weeks ago. So, yeah, that's why it's well-earned.”

Vacation in Morocco on the shores of Oceanis, the world ocean. You guys know? Sure. My favorite of the oceans. Yeah, I'm not unable to get away from being king of England to charge due with a mission of utmost importance. Collect a bunch of those squish penny things to add to his immense and in his words, super cool and totally normal collection. You were able to accomplish this in about 20 minutes after getting off the boat. For some, and it's the

cool reason that a zero impact on the plot, those penny-squishing machines were everywhere. This is what the last live show was. It was just us going from squish penny-machine to squish penny-machine. It was pretty boring, honestly. So, with a sack full of crushed coins, you reward yourself with a day at the beach. And I'd like you to go down the line to introduce your character in tell us how they enjoy a day at the beach. Griffin? Hi, everybody. I'm

Griffin Macaroi. Thanks for coming. In our celebration of fair use, public domain characters,

“tonight I'll be portraying the role of Winnie of the Poo. You need to do the head. You need”

to put the head on at least for the opening. I did, and I got sweaty instantly. Okay. Winnie

the Poo enjoys a day. I don't know that this is Winnie the Poo's first time at the beach. He's

just screaming, he's spilled honey everywhere, and then tried to eat it, and it's just pretty funny. I'm a druid for the purposes of D&D, but I am not a beach druid, so really hating it. Okay. Done? My name is Clint Macaroi. I play a beach cleric, but that's a whole

man who was transformed into Pinocchio. It's always so fun to hear the people in the audience who

didn't listen to Tess versus Dracula were dad's character accidentally turned into Pinocchio in episode five, and he also is the turbo cardinal of England. Interim. Interim, turbo cardinal of England. And look, look, the difference between this nose and that nose? Yeah. That's good. Thank you so much. I don't know how he was going to do it. Oh, thank you, Paul. That's a shame, Paul. I was looking. It was going to be like one of those dipping birds. Yeah. For our listeners at home,

“our dad is wearing a fake nose. I think to call to the Pinocchio nature of his character,”

but it looks like he's glued a hot dog to his face. Yeah. It also, if you're probably not

close enough for this dear audience, but every time he breathes, you can see it fucking like pupate. It's really, it's really a bridge horrifying. Justin and I are getting constant profile. It's going to get a riff is a nightmare. The periphery is a rap. Can I get a solo camera on this? We don't have any cameras. We have one camera for our dice. Okay. And Justin. Hi, I'm Justin McRoyeroy. I am, I'm portraying Lady Lizard with Goldwyn, and I have spent, please, I have spent my day at the

beach, getting drunk. I have found it's interesting. I was never a big drinker before my accident,

“which required my very elegant head to be put on to a barbarian lady body. I was never a”

drinker before, but the dumbest thing, since I've been in this body, if I don't have it, I get to need a little grouchy. I love it. I love the stuff, and if I don't, I'm sad. I never felt that way before, but I do now, not now, because I'm at the beach day drunk. Well, the three of you, was I supposed to say, "Oh yeah, what are you enjoying the beat?" What do you do final? I gather up, driftwood, looking for relatives. I'm so glad you said relatives and not abroad.

Who can I change? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. It's actually all of it, struck in front of the record. The three of you, after two of you, I guess, have fun on the beach,

“while dad tries to find, "Well, would be his dead public family members." Well, we don't need to get”

into the bleakness of that, and eating some crunchy honey to sign the go on the walk down the beach together, and you find yourselves at the gate of a beautiful garden, with a golden plaque, proclaiming it, "The Garden of His Sparities." In the center of the garden is a towering, majestic apple tree. Yeah, if you like something's trying to draw our attention in this image, fab. Yeah, a giant pon shop on the beach. That's an actual picture of the Garden of His Sparities.

You, you, you stupid. Okay. Haha. Though it is clearly thriving, it has only three apples on its branches, three golden apples. A serpent like dragon uncurls itself from the trunk of the tree, and slithers over to greet you. Oh, visitors. Hello. Nice. Nice try, Satan. No, no, I am not Satan. I am laden laden with evil. No, laden, the dragon. Wow. Yeah. All right. My apologies. I didn't see the leather. It worked. No, I get it. You see, it's serpent like

creature coming down from a tree with apples. Yes, we all know that other one. You see it too, right? You see it? Yes. Excellent. Yeah. I could do this. Oh, I see it, man. Let's see it. Does this usually happen when you've been heading to the salt? Actually, what I don't, is that okay? I'm so happy to have guests here, and let me ask you a question. I know this is going to seem loaded. Speaking of. Gib, are you fans of Hera? Are you, do you support the great and

wonderful Hera? Yes. Sure. Absolutely. Can I roll an insight check to see if what the correct answer to this question is? I don't think this is a camera worthy role. That is a 13 plus 360. Yeah,

might I grant unto you a boon from Hera's garden, supp of these fine apples. Once again, I know

“how that sounds when you know the other story with the serpent and the tree, but this is a good”

thing I promise. Don't make it weird. Now listen, normally we would make it weird. But before we start the show, Travis said there will be one point where someone's going to try to get you to eat something, and I know it's going to seem like it's a trick, but it's not. And please eat it and don't make it weird. I know. So normally I would not be taking this laden at face magic, except for this one specific. I promise I'm not deterred. I'm a cool dragon guy. Professor laden. Yeah. Oh, yes. I

eat it mine already. That's good. I want you to eat them. Oh, okay. I thought it was like I would like to do a perception check on Winnie the Pooh to see how he's doing. That is a 13. 13, I'll do it. He is glowing. Not in like the, oh my god, you're glowing. But like laterally glowing with like a golden order. And you Winnie feel a warmth inside you. You feel cared for and protected

by a powerful being. And you have gained a boon from Hera, but has given you inspiration for

whenever you want to use it, you can call for advantage on a role. I'll leave this on the table

“then so I remember that I have that. Yeah, that's why I gave it to you guys because I know you.”

Yeah. I'll eat it core and all. Yeah. You get the same feeling. No more because I ate the core. Do I get anything extra because I eat you? You're full? Okay. It stops up a little bit of the booze, but not in a way that it's upsetting. Like you feel mellow down and cool. Hey brother, if I look, can we talk for just a second? Yes, of course. I know that you like me lack a sort of traditional digestive system. Yeah. And when you eat it just kind of bushes all out of your wooden

right. Okay. I'm saying this time it got into my fluffy stuff inside and it didn't mess it up. So, go nuts, ma'am. Well, I'm nothing but wood down there. So, uh, no shut up, uh, we're toys. We don't have external genitalia. No, he's specifically tiny. No, all right, brother,

“if I look, it takes it like a giant pill. Cool. Swallows it. Swallows a whole apple, why not?”

He's a little. I was gonna have you magically consume it, but sure. Yeah. Sure. After 15 minutes of watching phylogad down a whole apple. I want to be clear. I was in another zip code without

it's happening. I was never weird near that. Wow. My god. Suddenly, the skies are filled with

specs. Well, as they fly closer, you can see that there are hundreds of arrows. The majority of them strike laden. The rest strike into the ground around them. Is he okay? With an uh, laden falls dead. An army of Greek soldiers marches forward, joining them as a crowd of what is clearly adoring fans. A soldier and especially ornate armor set forward and reads from a scroll. Attention citizens of Morocco. Please join your voices and answer me. Who put the glad in gladiator? Who's daring

deeds are great, Fiato. Is he born? Is he sweet? A favorite player. Hercules. Hercules. Hercules. Hercules. Hercules. As the army and the adoring crowd began chanting the name of Hercules, there is a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. Wow. Wow. Wow. There's even

lighting effects. That's never how long this is. Yeah. There's like being at the captain's

ocean. Oh, yeah. I didn't even plan that. I said, we can't. Y'all, if I know this is going to be a 40 experience, we would have charged more. Yeah. I know. And you said, Mel is burned. Oh, and it'll sprint. Oh, it's like Hobbs and Shaw. You need to know, we saw that movie in 40. Yeah.

distracting. His hair is perfect. His body oiled. He flashes a dazzling white smile and many of the

“fans and even a few of the soldiers faint. He raises his hand and the crowd quiets. He walks”

dramatically to the body of laden, turned pin cushion and he lifts the body with ease and he addresses the crowd. This unnamed dragon, laden, was what? It's the name of the lady. His name was laden. As I said, this unnamed dragon was a brave opponent who fought with honor and tenacity, even though our

epic battle lasted four hours. He never gave up. I commend his body to the heavens that they

might form his likeness in the stars that he may never be forgotten. And with that he hurls the corpse into the sky. Whoa, does it come down? It's so or seemingly forever upward until disappearing from view. Holy shit. And Hercules glasses hands. Well, that's done. Time to grab me some apples. He turns his back on you towards the tree and you see his body stiffen. He looks around confused before his eyes settle on you. It takes him a moment, like an eight-year-old doing multiplication.

“And then his beautiful blue eyes narrow. Hey, you three didn't happen to eat some apples, did you?”

We did, yes, we were offered them by that terrible, terrible dragon. I did not eat one. Hey, how come when you... Your nose grows? You can't give me that prop and then lie. Yeah, sure. I ate, I swallowed it. I didn't eat it. Yeah, that read a book. I believe there's same thing, my dude. If I put a whole hamburger in my mouth and force it down by a subject,

which you don't get away in court by saying, I didn't eat it. I just swallowed it. I always thought

multiplication was involved in the process. That's between you and your god. Okay. Also, my writer states, you can't say that when you're next to me. Yeah. Oh. Sequo-chewing. Mr. Hercules, is it? We did eat the apples because they were given to us by that nasty dragon whom you eat it up into space. So happy. I drank it's dead by the way. He is now thrilled. Can I seek to the three of you over here? Yeah, thank you. Sure.

What's it? Yeah. Do you know who my daddy is? Actually, I'm not. Is he used? Yes. The baddest mother fucker on Olympus. Whoa. Literally. Yeah, really.

I've never heard that word before. Olympus is from Greek mythology. No. It's the other one.

The nasty dragon water. Oh, mother is the female partner. All right. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. It any of your dads have a turn into a swan to sit loose a mortal woman. I don't think so. So my dad did. He did. You cool. Say that again, but slower. He turned into a swan and seduced a mortal woman. And I'm proud of him for that. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, I've got a few questions. Why does the goofs form make it one? Okay. Yes.

“Why does the swan form make it easy to seduce a human woman? Yes. I follow up. Was it a particularly hot swan?”

Oh, yeah. Fuck man. Wait. I was supposed to get those apples. This was number 11 of my 12 labors. You asked holes. I'm pretty sure there's one more count. Now dad jam it. Sorry, one of your quest was to eat three apples. Yeah, man. I had another one that was to clean out a barn. Wow. And that one apparently because my cousin Eola's help didn't count.

Now I'm in trouble and I had to do two more. It's a weird thing. But a lot of us myth are weird. So, um, well, sorry. Are you going to shoot us with a billionaire rose? That was my first thought. Yes. You know, taking a shot. What? Take your best shot. No, it's not. He just starts to gesture towards the soldiers. But then that ordainly dressed soldier steps up and

All right, everyone. All on my own. I've just come up with a brilliant idea.

“I challenge these three in a race to complete my final labor. If I win,”

but I am clearly superior and therefore declare that I also get credit for getting the apples. If they win, they will not be smudged. Smudged. Smudged. Smudged. They will not be smudged by my dad. It depends on if he's in his hot goosefall. Yeah. Can't put you with these. Oh, no. It's very particular. It's all right. The crowd shares and folk shout things like makes complete sense to me. And he turns back to you and says, "You are a lucky.

The last one is easy. First, to journey through the underworld and capture the three

headed to Hound Severus winds." Oh. Dad, would you help us out? And there's a crack of thunder

“and a flash of lightning. Nope. Only the first time. That's good. Okay. Okay.”

After your shot. That was the god. That was the god Marimba. Nothing. Nothing fun here is going to happen on this stage tonight. They come on. God give it to me. After the three of you disappear, several of the soldiers are struck by something. It's the body of the dragon laden as it goes back there, squishing them into the ground. When you're vision clears, you find yourself in the underworld. They're on the shore of a wide and there we go. On the shore of a

wide and rushing river, eerie light green water, teaming with the spirits of the dead. Hercules is nowhere to be seen. What do you do? What do we see on the other end of the river? And I hope the answer isn't five big fucked up skeletons, because that is what the visual reference would suggest. Griffin, all I see is Plimps of Smoke. You see skeletons in those? Sorry. Can I roll? A perception check to see what I see. I forgot we were playing. Dungeon's a dragon.

Yeah. You thought I was just weaving a great story. 17 plus 623. That's really good. You see a little way down the shore from you, a boat parked at the short pier. The boat has many seats and it can be covering the top. Besides the boat stands a tall shrouded figure with a hood pulled up over his head. He stands behind a set of stanchions with a velvet rope across them.

Final makes a religion check to see whom this person is. That one never gets

trotted out on the adventure zone, especially at life shows. I'm so excited for our first ever life. Roll for me, Dan. Okay. Oh yeah, digital tabletop. And it is a dirty 20. You recognize this from your brief studies of Greek mythology that this is the

“boatman Keren, the ferryman of the river sticks. Awesome. Who wants to see your manager?”

It's the first time he's ever heard that joke. According to my inventory, I've got 39 gold codes for some reason. Excuse me, Mr. Skeleton. Oh yeah. Is this money enough for a ride across the river? Oh, I don't have a subject or coins. Only penis. Is there a fucking ATM or something? Oh my god. Fuck Elise has really spoiled me. Has it, is it okay if they're slightly smushed? Whatever could you mean? Well, we have a whole bunch of slightly smushed pennies.

So for near pennies or my collection? Now hold on a second. We, we can't just be giving those away. We promise them too much. I mean, oh, but it's marked. You said he loves smushed pennies? That's

always what we're doing this. Well, I know, but the pennies are the mission. I only require one

beautiful reach of you. Come on. Oh, have pennies in that sack. I can't see it from you. Paul, can I have more monitor? I cannot understand a damn word by brother. Say, in this voice, what do I do? Don't understand about the word. All of it. Yeah. Okay, I guess.

One more time? Yeah. Is that better? Just that just need like one penny for you?

Look at these. A little harder. One penny for each of you. That's it. Let me go. That's nice. What? Thank you, Paul. Slash, Karen. You just adjusted your posture. You sound so much nicer. I start rooting around the bag of smushed pennies. Do you think that what would miss this commemorative,

“dollywood smushed pennies? I'm going to roll an insight check to see how much I remember about”

much love for dollywood. All right, I got 17. Yeah. It's high. It's high. It's real high.

She's fucking loves dollywood. I don't know what he loves dollywood. She's another. Is there a

space needle in there? Yes. Whoa, there's actually three state seals in there. Space needle. He said the monitor may know what we need. Uh, here's who's three space needle commemorative pennies. Fuck Seattle. God. Yes. Welcome, I'm old. Wait, your voices are getting to eat the thing. Yes, I have a cold. You're saying like a trolley in the box. As you sit down in the boat, he pulls the station and then he pulls a rope up over the entrance of

the boat. And he says, Hey, everybody. Welcome, uh, welcome on to the boat cruise. I'm Karen. I'm going to be

“your guide today. Uh, welcome in. Look over there. There's a rock. There's another rock. Uh,”

just some joke. So I could be in sit, tie those. I'm going to get you a girl through a six and no time. Yes, a question. Well, could I hear the wailing of the dead? Yes, the river sticks is filled with many, um, unresfull spirits, um, lots of the areas around here in this side of the underworld, uh, are filled with the spirits who can't cross into the illusion for you. What's with all the

complaining, Winnie? I thought he was the Kevin. It's the first time I've ever heard that joke.

No, it is. I don't for a record. It's the second time. Anyways, sit side. I'm going to have you over there in no time. He continues to point out things along the way, making horrible, dumb, obviously, practice jokes about little settings and scenery along the shores of the river sticks as he sails you across. But the three of you sitting in different areas of the ship are distracted by movement in the water. First, it's that's nose. It's

that's nose. The ghost of dad's real nose are sent me free, um, philo. You see, swimming up to the service of the water amongst a teaming school of these unquiet spirits, a face that you recognize. And he pops up through the water and says, "It's for me, the terrible card, no." Uh, interim. No, I was, I know the former. I'm a dad. There's no more interim than dad.

“No, I think that's the opposite of what you're thinking. Oh, I'm coming to do be this.”

It's good to see you again. Winning. Yeah. You see, uh, man, my sister, if you don't recognize this face, but he is coated in honey. And he says, "Hey, uh, listen, there's something about the, it tells you're the guy I'm looking for. Listen, there's a kind of ritual in burial in our culture where they sometimes just pour honey all over us. Right. And now we got all this honey down there. Oh, yeah, man. And nothing to do with it all because we're all goes sweet. It's sweet,

sticky stuff. It's so much and we need to get rid of it. How much sand? No, sand. Wow, premost stuff. Uncut. This is uncut. Here, wildflower honey. Is it wet down there? Because I can't get wet. No, it's all a theory of spirit. What are you going to be fine? Now, Lady Godwin. Yes. Once again, it's a man you don't recognize, right? So there's everything. He goes, hey, listen, um, this is a bit of a weird question, but is that your body? And you see you're a original old lady body, headless,

kind of lash to a rock waving at you. That's an optical illusion. I won't be taking in, but it's the fucking only real. The honey is extremely real. I'm out of 3000. I would like, can I do, uh, I'd like to do perception or insight. Wow, I would like all three of you to make a wisdom safe place. That makes a lot of sense. This seems like a good time for one of those. Plus six on the

going to roll. Just give me my punishment. I got a four. I got a four. Excellent. So,

“Winnie and a phyllo. You instantly realize like, no, this is the river of the dead. There's this”

phyllo goes, ah, no. Only an idiot will fall for this. Oh, trick. And meanwhile, Lady Godwin overtake him with perhaps the joy of being reunited with your ancient beautiful lady body. You're ready to go. And phyllo and Winnie, you look over and where Lady Godwin sees a man speaking to her and pointing to her body. You see just tendrils of spirits curling up her arms and pulling her inch by inch into the water. Oh, um, I have an idea, but it's pretty extreme. So I'm waiting for one of the two of you to

have a less extreme idea. I do. I'm not going to do. I want to let you guys do something because I am

yeah, Lady Godwin is under the sway of the tendrils of her whole lady body. I mean, I guess

“like how deep would you say is Lady Godwin in this spectrum. And this one, I would say like”

it is pulled her into the water up to like her forearms. Oh, so she's not like deep under one. No. Oh, okay. Well, that's a difference. But it's pulling her an inch by inch. Brother phyllo tosses Lady Godwin is a potion of flight. Not sure how that's well, if he can fly above the water, he could go and get. But there's nothing but there's nothing to go. She's in the boat. She's still in the boat. I also did just make it clear that both of her arms

were in the water wrapped in tendrils and you just chucked. All right, a potion. No, no, dad. Make a dexterity check. Dexterity check. Here we go. All right. Screen keep going till you don't keep

“going. Yeah, no, dad. I'm going to say roll this in the box. Yeah, it's in the box. Yeah,”

roll this in the box. Here we go. You've got a plus three to your dexterity modifier. That's a six plus three and nine. Not your best work. No, okay. Yeah, that's a lot of it is the bottle smashes into the side. It will be Godwin's head. God, dad. And she now begins floating out of the boat raising up as the boat continues on better. Now, she was at the front of the boat and you guys read the rear, but it now has become a bit of a timed thing. Yeah, where your opportunity to

get to her is going to pass in moments. All right. I am going to cast a great druid spell. And it is called in Tangle. I would like to conjure up grasping plants from I guess the boat in a 20 foot or boat size square within range and creatures in the area when you cast the spell must succeed on a strength saving throw or have the restrained condition, thinking restrained her to the boat good in the idea. I'm going to say since you are now floating. I'll give you

this dad since you started floating. Godwin, you are now aware of the situation. The impact of the bottle on the side of your head has snapped you out of it. So you're floating up. So I'll give you the option to fail to check on purpose to get in Tangle. Say what? So you don't, if I restrained you, you won't be pulled into the underworld river forever. Okay. So I would like to be restrained. Yes. I will accept the restrained. Good for you. Thank you. So at this one, now there is

what can only be described as? Hold on me and dad also have to roll to see if we're restrained by the plant. Oh, okay. Cool. That's a crit. I'm definitely not restrained by my own plant. No, and in fact, I'll say this. Now has like given you a cool bill. Yeah, maybe in some awesome bracelet. Also, I really like it. On a 20, I like how it feels a lot. Okay. Cool, I'm, I'm learning so much about

myself. Wait, what are you doing? Oh, you know what? Here's what I'll give you. With a 20,

yeah, you immediately know the magic code word. Oh, that will tell the plans to let you go. Cool. Yeah, yeah. Thank God. And I, that was a little retroactive because dad got a two. Yeah, sure. Well, but now at this point, there is an unconventional tug of war as Lady Godwin is being pulled by the risks by spirits in the river sticks. Yeah. Yeah. And restrained to the boat by boat plants. Yeah. But at this point, the boat is now kind of like

You're not being pulled in the water. You're now right in the middle. What do you guys do to break

“that spirit hole? I mean, I want to cast a mage hand to get my real hand to come and start”

and take because I still have my original hand in my bag. So I want to have my hand come out and start freeing me from the other hand. So if you can imagine like a thing kind of guy kind of like skittering out and starts to lift my fake fingers off of my new hands. Great. Roll for me, either a strength track, a deckstack or a slide of hand check, whichever one you want to. Yeah, I'll go with strength on this one. Yeah, I thought so. Yeah, that's a three plus three. That isn't even a hand,

trying to pull off fingers and they just turn back to you and give somehow it's a hand, a shrug.

Just the pinky thumb, like, it's a it's goose boss. I don't know boss, it's ghosts. Can I hit the ghost hands? Sure. Go. I, uh, I'll just do a unarmed attack roll, I guess. I can do that. That's a thing I'm totally able to do. Here we go. Unarmed strike. 19 plus six 25 Jesus Christ. You hear a chorus of way I'll say, "No, no fair dude." And the hands release Lady Godwin as the plants pull her in. And you see several

like vines, almost like seat belts, go across and strap Lady Godwin and safely. That's my fault.

I usually do vines into every vehicle we get in first so yeah. And you hear Karen, finish up

a speel like, "Hey, thanks for, uh, let me try it again." Hey, and if you had a good time today, do your friends to come sail away with me on the river sticks next time. Hey, thanks so much. Hey, thanks for giving me a second try that joke. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got toe to you. Also, not a joke. Can we speak to your manager? Because she almost fucking died, dude. Well, to be fair, I thought you were already dead or I wouldn't have let you cross the river. That's kind of the,

"Wait, are you guys all right?" Oh, I said, "I'm not going to touch you with the nose." Yeah, I'm not going to make you roll, you can get him right in the end. He's like, so I bet no one ever tries that shit with him. Well, but also you punch a skull. Yeah. His thong, a skull. A skull. I have the monitor still. I'm sorry. You punch his thong. And he's so confused by it that he just starts "How did you know I was wearing a thong?" Can I take our three pennies back for the trouble?

You can have one of them. I take one of our, you're being so weirdly stingy about these imaginary squished pennies. But fine. And Griffin, there's absolutely no reason to be okay. I need to ask if we can start the live show over. Huh, that's not chilling at all. Like, I was playing as zooks and didn't realize it. I just switched it back over. No, wait, I wanted to shut up. All of you shut up. What the fuck are

“you talking about? I had the character sheet for zooks up. And that's why my roles were so wet and bad.”

Is that why when you introduce your character, you call them a very magical man instead of what his actual class is? 'Cause you didn't have the right thing all done. And if you dare to add everything zooks does, is some perverted fish ocean shit. I know that dude looking at the character sheet, every spell is a fish pervert spell that he has. He's a coral man. How do you know, look at the stats of a man made of coral and know it's different from

fucking purpose. His brother Fak. In a way, his spirit gum has one normal body. Just one normal body. That is it. He's a bunch of toothpicks that I'm remulated with. There's spirit of rapture marks. Just like one normal guy named Darf, who has a sword or something, you know? Fuck. He's, you know, Justin words hurt. His brother, phylocular.

“There's one fucking rogue. Hi, I am the crow. I do the heaving. I have knives. You know what?”

That's cool dude. Your next character is going to be taught a dude. Yeah. I don't know. Like a normal guy with a body. Got it. Not three bodies like this adventure you've had. So is that a note to restarting? No, actually your character is just dead forever now. So you're across the river sticks. Awesome. Somehow. And you find yourself.

leaked? I'll tell you. Oh my god. I'm down here with all the amnesty guys. There's Ned. Look at Ned.

“Okay. I can't wait. I need to pay the commission on every character from other”

marks. Bring up the next river. Thank you. Wow. You find yourself on the shores of a fiery river of blood. Jesus Christ, how many rivers are there? I'm only going to do three, but there were like nine of them filled with the spirits of murderers. Some of your favorites are in there. Some history's best murder. Yeah, man. Think of the cool ones that you would be in

dressing and talking to. Not the bad ones. You also see, can't quite make out. Very large kind of

roundish shapes moving in the water. Those are definitely not spirits, but from here at a glance, you can't tell exactly what they are. Is it hot? Is this river hot? Because it looks hot. Yeah, man. It's a flaming river of blood. All right. I didn't know about the flaming part. Jokes on me, I guess. Damn. I look for the boatman of this river. There is no boatman of the river flea jethon. I think it's pronounced. But news guys, no boatman on this one. So it's all right. Look,

I looked in my kit here. I have a hymn-rope of 50 feet. So I take the hymn-rope and I cast it across

the river. Oh, God. I wish you'd held onto one end of it. No, I did. No, I held onto one end. I cast

“across. Okay. Justin. Yeah. Roll a D20. Straight up and you need to get an 18 or higher. Box it.”

Better box it. Yeah. Put it in the box. That's a big dice. Nine? Yeah. You throw it out. It lands in the fire. Immediately catches fire. Burns back to your hand in a hilarious, wily coyote-esque fashion. Oh, fuck. Okay. Wait. Wait. No, no, no. I've got this. I've also got a rope and a water skewed. I douse my rope in water and check this shoot out. I tie a sickle to the end of it, which I also have in my inventory. Now I got a whole thing. Okay. Roll the D20 and you need

to get a 16 or higher with this. Don't learn. If it was 18 or higher, yours is 16 or higher. I think 16 is not enough because with the sickle it should be more because that's a good idea. I have a

“one later. It's a more you have to get 18 or higher. There's only three numbers. Okay. It's a 12.”

It didn't happen for him. It lands the sickle. The rope. The water burst into flames. Okay, shit. Hold on. That's one of us has made a wood. Oh, yes. I could float across. Now hold on. I remind you again, there's spirits in the water and there's also large shades. I make an arcana check to see what the large shapes are. You make a wedge shape? Arcana. Arcana? Okay. Yeah, roll an arcana check them all again. I will. You're so good at this, Dad. I get a 12. Yeah, that's good enough.

It says on a sheet, the mural has a plus three to this sort of check. So yeah, with that I tend to grate his rolls on a curve. So you can see these large bright red animals floating in the river and these are the mythical zippopotomus. Zippopotomus. Is it real? Okay. No, I made it up. And I don't know. Creatures that are able to withstand extremely high temperatures while remaining cool to the Dutch. They are generally

docile creatures, but when pervoke to they can open their mouths wide and shoot out gouts of flame. While they don't form a straight line, they are spread fairly evenly from one short to the other and could be used across. On the nose. Yeah. To trap. I've seen the way you guys have played tonight. I'm just going to give you every piece of information I have. I can speak with animals assuming it'll work on these imaginary creatures that you've developed. Hey, Griffin, this is a

game full of dragons and share. Yeah, fair point. We're going to get on me about Zippopotomus. Fair point. Hey guys. Oh, keep. Okay. Speak with very closed mouths because I've got it on.

Yeah, that's great. We need to get across this river. Can you all squish your bodies together

or into a perfect seamless bridge because my legs are so short? Well, let me ask you this teddy bear.

“What's in it for us? Do you have any squished minutes?”

You wouldn't Zippopotomus. Will answer your little go ahead. How many squished minutes? What ever fifth to seven minus three is? Wait, is it? Oh, I'm going to take that moment to leave across them to get to the other side while they're distracted. Great. Yeah, you're going to have advantage with this because they are distracted. I think he gets double advantage because my

flight motion should still be in effect. Nope. It smashed him on the side of the hand so it had

the limited effect. He's floating upside down. It's hard. Would you rather I have you still carrying him like a balloon? What do you want? Dex, Dex, check, Trump, what would it make sense? Yeah, athletics or acrobatics, whether you're jumping or flipping. All right, let's try. I don't know. Athletics. Here we go. That is an eight plus six 14. Okay. Wait, with advantage. And you're all again. Here we go. Yeah, who needs advantage? I would say right now because

they are all raised up and talking so they're not bobbing up and down like they were before. Right now

they're all in negotiations with the many of the poor 14 get you across. Woo, woo, woo. Hey, hey, hey,

I'm so sorry about her. That's crazy, Loody Godwin. We're having a conversation anyway. Here but go, yeah. Wait, go for it, dude. Wait, go. Anyway, hip-a-pot-a-ma. Wait, wait. What were you? Zip-a-pot-a-ma. Zip-a-pot-a-ma. I've got. We're actually zip-a-pot-a-masters. That's weird that we're a different creature entirely. Behind, behind the hip-a-pot-a-ma. Zip-a-pot-a-masters. Zip-a-ma. Zip-a-ma. Is this, is? In I range of phyllo, I take out my javlin and

extend it to him to try to like, hear something you can like jump to like reach for this like come on. Okay, great.

“Phyllo, if you're gonna go roll with advantage, you need to get 12 or higher to get across with the help of the javlin at the end.”

On what kind of roll? Athletics are accurate about it. Not great at either. It's a, yeah. Roll that on the big guy. I think roll that beautiful bean footage. 12 or higher, here we go. You have advantage? Okay. All right, that, come on. Give me that big. Got a plus one in both skills, so you need to an 11 here. Yes, yes, yes. That is 14, plus one, a 15. You go skipping across, and then believe in me, you'll need to puppet legs, plicking and glacking. You make it across, you spring from the javlin

how forth to land dramatically next to Lady Godwin, and that leaves Winnie the Blue alone on the shore. Hold on, I didn't think about this. I have a small body that's letting with beach water. I can want to use it, but part of Mrs. Police has shuttled me across. I will not support two squished pennies. You got to do no. Wait, we need those. I can't. This one you had 57. You gave away three. You got one back. You're up to 55. You can give away three, and you'll only

be up 52. Travis swore that the number of pennies we had at the end of the adventure would be

“very important. Okay. How about this? I cast levitate on poo. Okay, that works too. I cast levitate on poo.”

Yeah, okay. I'm levitating now. You've had really, really, really, really good success with my people weightless this evening. Dad, I don't see why you want to try. Griffin, make a dexterity saving track to make sure you don't spill any of the squished pennies. Oh, Christ. No, no, no, no, you fool. As you go floating up in the air, your body spinning around seven of the squished pennies. Lady Godwin, jump down. Lady Godwin, jump down.

Lady Godwin reaches in to get him. In her mind, like she's wishing she could. She's thinking, "Oh, right, wish I could do it." Winning the poo, you float safely to the side, but you watch as seven more squished pennies in the middle. It's in the river of lava. And with that,

We've got challenge coins for the Pulse aboard Memorial Can Food Drive. That go to a bit for

“hope food. Wait, entry Austin. Go back to the poster. The poster is so real cool. That is a very cool”

poster. It is M.A. John Barlow. We signed a bunch of them. We'll be back in a bit for act two. . Hey folks, thanks for listening to the adventures down. I'm Griffin Mackleroy, your dungeon master and your best friend. Your master of ceremonies. And I hope you're enjoying this episode, whichever one you're listening to. Maybe it's the finale. If Taz Royale, I don't know because this could go in really virtually anywhere because that's the sort of reality

we live in and the technology available to us as podcasters. Hey, guess what? If you listen to the besties, the gaming podcast with me and Russ and Chris and formerly Justin, then we're going to be

“doing a live show on Broadway that you might be interested in coming to see, October 9 at Town Hall”

in New York City. You can come on out and see us and you can go get tickets right now. Actually, if it dot LY slash besties on Broadway, it's going to be an absolute blast and we're going to do

besties stuff. We're going to talk about games and stuff and it's going to be our very first live show.

So please come and join us if you live in the area. Hey, our final Taz balance graphic novel adaptation story and song is out right now. You can go buy it at pretty much any bookstore that sells graphic novels or you can just go to the adventuresomecomic.com and you can find links to you know all the storefronts where you can buy it. I'm so proud of this book. So happy it's out there. It's been such an honor seeing people sort of reception of the book and if you enjoy Taz balance,

I guarantee you are going to enjoy story and song as well as all the graphic novel adaptations

if you haven't dipped into any of them. Now's your opportunity. We got some new merch in the merch store.

We got to stick with it. Big boy card designed by Maddie Vion. There's some new soft bones, logo merch, some new shmaners, logo merch, a Macroy Family Clubhouse pen, a bunch of stuff. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will also be donated to native women lead, which revolutionizes systems and inspires innovation by investing in native women and business. All that merch stuff is over at Macroymerch.com. Hey, if you've got questions about Taz

Royale, now that we're wrapping it up, we'll probably do the Adventure Zone Zone next, as we figure out what season is going to come after this one. You can email us at [email protected]. Again, [email protected] and put TTA ZZ Royale in the subject line. So we know that your questions about that. That is it for for the outbreak here. Please enjoy the rest of the episode, send in those Taz Royale, TTA ZZ questions and I'll talk to you real soon. Bye!

Hey romance readers, what are you looking for? Brothers best friend, Aily and Boyfriend, Mothman, Vampires. We got your cowboys, your dukes, your hot professors, your rock stars. We got your shifters, we got demons, we got sexy fairies. You want a morally gray no problem. Can't pick, don't worry sweetheart, we've got white cheeses up the wazoo, reading smart, the show where we read spicy books, and figure out why people love them. Join us on reading

smart every other Friday on maximum fun. Oh, that's a spicy book, uh...

“Sleep is important, but it's difficult sometimes. I'm John Moe. I'm sleeping with celebrities,”

famous people help conquer you out by talking in soothing voices about an important things. Maria Bamford, on parking. I parked in a bus stop. That's just not right. I am not a bus. Rocks and Gay, on airports. My favorite airport is Indianapolis. It has a really smart layout, Alan Tudik, on yard sticks. You hand somebody a yard stick, yard sticks become part of the family. Granted, it's over your idea, but it's lots of fun, and it works. Listen, wherever you get podcasts,

it's...

Yeah, you here, but? Kevin Sorbo! Ladies and gentlemen! Yeah, what's this?

“Get out of here! That was the theme to the legendary adventures of Hercules starring Kevin Sorbo.”

And I just wanted to take a quick moment. I was so excited to do this show. When I have the idea for the adventures on Versus Hercules, because it allowed me to combine my two touchstone references to Hercules, which was Desi's Hercules, but make him a sack of shit, like Kevin Sorbo. And I was so excited to get to melt those two images in my mind. Before we get into Act 2, real quick. I want to say thank you to our poster designer, John Barlow.

For making us look cool. It's quite a feat. Look at that. Also, in the Paramount Theatre,

we've been here a couple of times at this point, and they're always so good to be back. Thank you for

coming here, and for having us. Also a reminder, there'll probably be some after the show I assume. The Palsiboran Memorial Can Food Drive with all proceeds going to the Hope Food Pantry Austin. We're also going to be here if you can believe it again tomorrow night. Yes. Dear and my brother, my brother and me. Completely different show. Totally different show. It'll be different jokes. I've been banned with a wonderful opening,

which I've written on I very much looking forward to. But let us now. We're going to talk about Austin stuff in that episode, Griffin.

“You may talk about Austin thing. Weirdly, no, all Houston. Isn't that fucked?”

Yeah. Hey, I like it. Hey, right there with you. Yeah, blame Rachel. She's not here. She's the one who's like, "We've got to do Houston." And while you're all riled up, thanks to Paul and Amanda and Rachel and everyone who helps us put this live show on. You all are the best. All right. Seven more rivers. Baby, let's go. Woo!

Now, you traverse all those rivers. They're easy. Great. There's bridges. They're comfortable bridges with lots of benches along the way, a couple popcorn,

and those like candied nut vendors. And they're given sample things. Always smell so good

but the flavor never quite good. Well, on the break, you're jaw. But anyways, you're Tommy's full of nuts and your head is full of dreams. Amazing. Yep. Your dreams are full of nuts. In your nuts are full of dreams. God damn it, I'm God son. Okay. Okay. You approach the final river. Great. Which is, especially when compared to the other two, incredibly narrow and appears to be fairly shallow. Great. Less like a river and more like a wide brook. It flows with a

theory of blue water. There are no spirits, animals or boats here. Just water. Nice fucking try, dude. What? Hell can't have a nice river? Our con a check on the nice river. Please. I don't, I'm not good at that, but, um, want me to do it? No, he declared it with confidence. Okay. It's a natural. Well, two. No, it's totally safe water and when either blue feels so good about it. Let's go, dude. All right. Let it go. Let's get to big slurp. This, this is a bit of,

it's never steered or wrong. He's a nature droolid. I've listened in one hundred percent and

get a huge slurp. This fat brook is highly slurpable. So when you do, you go waiting in. I thought when it's a big slurp. I splurred it. I splurred it. Huge slurred for that fat brook. I splurred down that fat brook and I just barrel roll across it. The two of you, but I take a huge slurp that him, let the wreck go. No, he's rolling in it. Yeah, but let's try to catch a fat salmon. You're taking a huge slurp. Right. The two of you, as one of you slurps the river and the other one barrel rolls in it, yes.

“Wait, wait, wait. Where are you? Who? Who are you? What's going on? Why are you here? What's happening?”

You look around. There's two other beings here. They mean nothing to you. Can I be me? Can I be Justin? Crazy. Can I be Justin? You know what I mean? Because I've stepped out, dude. We know that we know the title of your autobiography coming out this fall. Penguin house. Can I be Justin? Sometimes I don't for just a minute. Okay. So I've lost it. I'm disoriented. I forgot where I am. What I'm doing.

I look at my tabula rasa. I look at my body and then I look up at you too and I'm like,

now, final from the shore. You see, we're in the mood of just staring at his hands and claws roaring and in his mind, it's definitely a bear roar. But in real life, it's like, roar. I'm a bear. And you see, Lady Godwin, staring at her hands. My hands are huge, right? Like, they look so much bigger than they should be. These are massive hands. I use my ultra-self potion just what I thought you would do predictable in your old age. So I look like I have Lady Godwin's

head and I'm entirely covered in honey. Okay. And I beckon to them. What are they put in your fresh squeeze lemonade, Mac? Honestly. So I did take a break from having spirit come. You have the head of Lady Godwin. Right? I want to stick you by. And is it still Fileau's body good at it? How did he make any sense what you're saying, man? Trust me. My other plan work. Trust you.

You were playing zoops for a third of the game. What? Oh, try to steal. Have you

demonstrated that our argo keen, that was a different season. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. So Gandy Dancer looks down. Okay. So wait, wait, let me finish. Okay. I'm still altering myself. Yeah.

“And I don't think that's how ultra-self work. Don't write on it. I think you're done.”

And he's still in the middle of the VFX sequence. Oh, I didn't realize you were still regenerating that. My body is a raft. So it's a raft with Lady Godwin's head

covered in honey as I safely sail across the water. And my rubber wrap. Oh, he says your body

touches the water. My hello with all the knowledge you have now. Wait, where are you? What? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? Okay. So there's now Lady Godwin memory gone. There's a bear. Doesn't matter beyond that because it's just a bear. Yeah. And there's a raft with a head.

“Yes. And that's what they say. You're head. Yeah. It is your head. But that some people got tickets to a”

football game today. And you got tickets to this. You know what I mean? It's like, so you're welcome. Yeah, so. Okay. So I go to sail and we're just jumping into each other. Yeah. All right. I have no action at this. We lost. We lose. I think no way. We do have one more thing. We have one more thing. We have my hand. Yes. We have my hand. One hand is not touch the water. My hand did not touch the water. Okay. What does it do?

It pokes you in the eyeball. Oh. What? Make a wisdom saving for a Lady Godwin as you take one

“point of damage. One point of poking damage. Okay. Whism saving for a 14. That's got to be enough, right?”

Yeah. Okay. I just checked my notes. You're a quick. 14 is enough. Lady Godwin. The fog starts to clear from your mind. You're Lady Godwin, a society lady with a barbarian body. This is wait. Is that your head on a raft? Okay. The foot which way now? Okay. Have I broken the throw or do I need to get out of the water? For right now you have broken the throw. Okay. I got a hop on top of rast me. I have to get on top of rast me to protect me from the water. Okay. You're going

to do that one way or the other. But I would like you to make an acrobatics check to see how you board rafed you. What a fucking table table table, big camera roll. This is a camera roll. Yeah. Oh yeah. This is a huge. Surf the vibe. 7, 17. Plus 10. Plus 17. Plus what? Plus two. Yeah. You spin in the air. You land in a full blown black widow superhero pose as water flings from your hair.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

“No part of it. Don't listen. Can I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah. What are you physically?”

You know Justin, right? Yeah. He's not going to backflip. You know what he's physically capable. Do you know, you know, yesterday I had to in a rented scooter ride because I got a bloody nose. Like what the fuck are you talking about? Do a black widow flip? Like, even my entire dingus dude shut up.

A father will always believe in you. Thank you for believing in me. You land looking so cool on that

rafed. You are free from the water's thrall. But your companions are still locked in. What do you do? Okay, I slapped my raf face. I slapped my raf face. That's one of my favorite new iPhone apps. My rap, my rap, my rap face. Wake up sweet hot time to float. Make an attack roll against your rafed face. Or you can really slap dad's nose off. Nice. 14 plus six, 20.

“Yeah, you slap him real good. Mirrible to control the amount of damage he takes with a hit that”

good. He takes one point of damage and follows snaps out of it. You are very confused as to your current

form. But you're aware. For now. Ow. I cast. This is the audience holds their breath when they

realize you didn't have something ready. You just said, I cast and then started looking at your spells. Okay, as he opens his mouth, I grab a length of leather and put it into his mouth and begin to steer the raft with both pieces of leather. Oh, that's good. Okay, but he can't talk or do itty spells. Wait, wait, I'm steering towards Whitty the poo. Okay, give me a Dexterity check. Here dad, say ah. Right down, thank you. Okay, D.C. 12, the steering to Whitty the poo.

I'm going to move toward, I'm moving towards the honey boat. I hope that's a absolute solid one.

Yeah, one, absolutely one. You're not Whitty the poo off his feet. He goes under the water.

Totally disoriented upside down. You see the bubbles going and going and start to dwindle. And then I pop back up because I'm not. I have no respiratory. You're under the raft. Yeah, but I don't breathe in the traditional man. It's soaking it. Oh, no. I just want to say that feels really weird on my Tom Tom. Yeah, I bet. I feel really weird on my terms. I say, we're in a bit of a tight spot.

No, whitty. Yeah. As your vision starts to darken. Yeah. You take two points of damage. Cool. And you have a brief window where you are fully aware. Okay, back to yourself. Sure. Trapped under this boat. You're trying to take a single action. Okay, I am going to cast a spell in this name of the spell is called Title Wave. The area can be 30 feet long up to 10 feet wide. This is a this is a piece of shit broke. So it's definitely definitely bigger than that.

And 10 feet tall. We're going to make a dexterity saving throw as a family. But the thing brings the family closer together. Yeah. It's going to move us 30 feet.

“So I would like to sort of just sort of smooth us out. Do you all choose to fail the role?”

I fucking hope not, because we're going to take 48 points of bludgeoning damage if we do. I know we want to go with we're working with the wave. We're working with the wave. Yeah, everybody make a dexterity saving throw to work with the wave. That's another fucking crit. No, they're not 20. Hey, uh, before the other two reveal their numbers. Winnie, you full blown um like Jack Sparrow it into the

dock. Yeah, like one foot up on the Lady God One Raph 10. Yeah. Like Bob, Captain Morgan. No, you're back to yourself. Yeah, but I, you just have me something. You've, you've region even through the animal sphere. Yeah. Yeah, you're connected with your roots. Are all a 14? I don't know. What's the save? I mean, it is a 14, actually. Yeah, it means it beats it. Yeah, cool. Her, her, eight. Okay, that is going to take 48.

So that's going to be, and that's yours for five. Yours forever.

Now down, when does the potion end? As soon as I know, I want you to tell me what it says in the

“description. How long are you? So Lady God, when headed Raph, he's got to give himself 17 points of”

damage first. Okay. So the potion last. It's approximately one surfing ride.

Okay. Yeah. It's concentration. You can end it when you want to. Oh, God. Unfortunately, in this title wave, your nose has ripped off. No, it is glued off. It's not a penny. Dad, the dice, tell us story. I have to do it. The dice, tell us story. Dad, tell us story. Dad, tell us story. Dad, tell us story. No. Dad, okay. Let's add. Britain would do it. Let Justin rip that nose. It's glued onto his face. I don't actually want to hurt our father.

It's actually funny if Dad does it to himself. Well, let me go. Oh, this can't.

That's where the 17 points of damage came from. You are so relieved right now. You're happy or that you've ever been, you're thrilled. One last half for the run last half. What the last half of it is my sister. You're a good boy this damn game. You enter a chamber divided by yet another river. Jesus Christ alive. This one is quite different. Okay. Around the top of the chamber, three waterfalls magically pour water from thin air, feeding the river. One waterfall is sickly green,

one dark red, and one an ethereal blue. A wide stone bridge connects one side of the room to the other. On the side of the bridge, opposite you is a large silver gateway, which stands open. A sign above in Golden Letters reads the illusion fields and leads to a high ceiling tunnel. At the other end, you can see small slivers of a beautiful paradise, but it's hard to make out because of a large shadow blocking your view. As you consider this, a pair of glowing red eyes opens on the shadow.

Then two more identical pairs of eyes appear on either side. Suddenly, the shadow charges you and is instantly upon you. Before you can react, you are a beset by a barrage of huge puppy kisses. Cerberus, now completely visible, is a three-headed chocolate labored or retriever, the size of a four-story building. He bounces around clearly excited to see you. His exuberant kisses nearly knock you off your feet and heal you to complete health. What a great three-headed

doll. I approached the neck. Wait, no, he'll hurt. I'm just kidding. From behind him, you hear a firm but kind voice command, Cerberus, leave it, leave it, the dog backs off slightly, tongues hanging out and massive tail waving. A handsome man in a crisp white dinner jacket enters from behind the dog.

“Sorry about that. Cerberus gets pretty excited when guests arrive. Where are my manners?”

I'm Haiti's god of the dead and of riches and you are, and then he spies Lady Garwin. Oh, Elizabeth Garwin. Back so soon. Yeah, yeah, I just can't get enough. What can I say? A clipboard materializes in his hands and he scans it quickly. I wasn't expecting you today. Another monster related automobile accident. You're just checking in this time down. Unfortunately, it's another just a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a little quick back on the cheek and then off I go.

Wait, wait, are you three still alive? Just passing through. Technically, I've never been alive.

I'm a teddy bear that got brought to live by a boy's love. Okay, hold on. He's a real bean freak. No, you have sentience, do you feel pain? Not in the traditional sense, but emotionally. Yes, more than more. That does count you are technically alive. Well, I'm just a little wooden boy.

“I can see your soul and I know that's not true. Shit. What brings you three here today?”

We run a foul of hercules accidentally. Hey, and he looks over his shoulder and whispers to you.

If Zeus hears that I said that kind of thing about his son, he's going to get so man, he's a real.

And he looks over his shoulder. Dick.

“You didn't have a good pun for Zeus, huh? No, that's how scared I am of him. I don't spend time”

thinking about insults like I do. And he looks over his shoulder. Jerky leaves. Well, we came here because we've got to finish a quest for hercules or else I feel killers. I forgot, but we've come, we have to capture your dog. But that seems bad now that we're embarrassed. Yes,

but you just rub it over my boy. Yes, no, like we get it now because you seem super chill. So

maybe there's another way that we couldn't. I don't know. Honestly, I'm very torn. I'm trying to stay out of Zeus's business. And it's the last time. Oh my god, with jerky jerky. Yes, the last time I tried to tell Zeus like, hey, maybe he'd do a better job being a dad. He got so mad at me and said like, oh, you think you're better than me. But we're bad. He didn't have the lighting bolt in my butt hole. It's a thing he's done since we were little. He's my brother and

he's a real dick. But the thing is he hates when people think they're better than him. It's a

huge trigger for him. And he said, well, I'm both in my butt hole. Maybe you could help us to fight hercules. Did you just hear the whole thing I said about the lighting bolt in the butt hole? Do you know, hey, you could, hey, imagine lightning bolt in the butt hole. Picture it how much it, let's be honest, stings. I'm not asking for anything direct. I'm asking for a little indirect assistance. That I just, you have a lot of people down here that could be very useful to us.

And maybe you just loan us one. We just let us borrow a dozen murderers. You got a whole river full of them. You know, you've given me a lot of them and then lighting and thunder strike the ground. Hercules arrives. My plan is come to fruition. Pretty big word, huh? It's funny because the apple was also a fruit. Get it? I mean marks off on a sheet of paper where he's ridden all of that down. Sorry. Hercules, can I ask a question before you ruin us? Yes, I hope this isn't important,

“but did you make your buckles? Yes, I threw 3D printed them. Why do you ask?”

Okay, while he's distracted talking about 3D printing them, I hit him in the face with my axe. Okay, it is also important to note before we do that. When the lightning and thunder hit, Cerberus became very scared when pouring crying, scared of the storm and he ran off and hit in the corner of the room, roll to make an attack with Jennifer Myers, your axe. Yes, thank you. With advantage because he was distracted, talking about his 3D printing. They are beautiful buckles

traps. Thank you very much. I wanted to give you a chance to show off track. Well, I did that and I made my little gladiator skirt. Yeah, my leatherwork. This is all DIY. And calling out a gladiator skirt, made my daughter's gig off. Yeah. You say twirl, I'm not a monkey who dances. Yeah. But I will. That's an 18, 12 plus 6 18. Christ, I hope that's it here. Yes, that hits.

“But only seven damage. Is that enough to kill Hercules?”

No, everybody roll initiative. Seven for me. Oh, damn. 21. You found it? You got it? 16 for hell, Grimmett. Very good. Okay, let's follow that battle map. Nice. All three of you have before you have battle map at a pencil. So you can keep track. As you can see, we see a fiery waterfall, a weird green waterfall.

Hercules are one side service and Hades as he comforts service up in the far corner. And Griffin.

“Yeah, we need a blue. You are at first. Uh, I total over to service. I would like to cast”

a speak, speak with animals. Again, unless it's still working from the last time, it works for 10 minutes. So no. Yes. Did you? I don't want praise or anything, but notice how quickly I found the cast. It was freaky. Hey, Griffin. You got an extra boom. Yeah.

You haven't used your first one, but there's a second one. Yeah. We haven't forgotten about them.

It's just that there hasn't been a high stakes enough challenge to require. But now it's not a flaming river blood is boring. I got across that so easy. Um, hey, there's some Bruce. What? What? What? Awesome. Um, listen. All right. I can tell that you're kind of freaked out. You don't gotta be scared. Big light, loud sound. So scary. Oh, no. It's just lightning. It's a natural weather for now. Oh, I give a little scratch under the chin. Oh, I guess. Hold on. Don't

zoom me out. No. I'll use the top of my head to get the other chin and just kind of...

Just trying to calm down a little bit. Making animal handling check for me. Yeah. I logically

should be pretty good at that. Um, wow. Uh, yeah. No, that's a plus six. Let's see. Here we go. Six plus six. It's 12. Um, I would say one of the hands starts to like lift up with their

“chin feel a little braver. Yeah. But the other two are still cow wearing. Okay. Why the bad?”

Listen, I don't want to spend another turn of combat on this. Can you rally the other two heads for me? And Haley says, yeah, we'll definitely work on it. Wait, you could have done this a whole time. But this helps. All right. Um, can I to finish out my move action? I would like to hide. Uh,

maybe behind Cerberus V4 story tall talk. I want to, I want to hide myself from Hercules's

son. Hero, hero. All right. Hey. Say you hide behind Cerberus. Yeah. I just want to hide from her. I don't want Hercules to be able to see me for my next great idea. Yeah. Great. Thank you. Uh, I'm next is Hercules.

“Oh, looking around. Where the fuck do we need to pull you out? The man is a shadow,”

wrapped in a mystery. So he is instead going to target Lady Godwin who seems to be the biggest threat. Um, he holds up his hand and a lightning bolt appears in his hand. And he's going, he's just that one scared me actually. Okay. Was this because I made fun of the people you don't have so I'm sorry. Guys, I wasn't even planning that. Yeah. Sure. Wow. Uh, he throws that lightning at you and does a uh, 20 hits. You're barely. Yeah. Scott,

me or Dell Scott. Um, you are going to take. Whoo. I mean, I hope on small. I don't have enough D6. All right. Seven. Oh, fuck. 13. Shit, man. 17 points of damage. Okay. Ow. As you are struck by lightning. Yeah, fair. Not in the bow. And for a bonus action, he flexes. Great. Up next, it is Filo. Filo. What do you do? Uh, Filo casts, tinkering. Tangerine, tinkering. Okay. That makes more sense.

Inbueening. Yeah, indeed. Well, he shouldn't have said it. Talk for one cook. Inbue a tiny magical, non-magical item with a magical property of your choice. I am going to imbue your shoulder buckle that you worked so hard on. Uh, with the odor of a dog's but hole. Travis, he can do that. That's that's the loss of magic. That's part of magical tinkering. I'm going to allow it because I know how familiar daddy is with the sin of a dog's but hole.

He loves that shit. I love that alphatino movie. Somebody call a veterinarian.

Two weeks before I quit, because I wouldn't do it.

“Yeah, I got fired. Yeah. Which is like quitting. Yeah. But yeah, an involuntary quitting.”

Okay. Um, okay. It works. It happens. Give me a deep 20 to see how effective I seem. You're trying to draw a service to him, right? Yeah. And it makes me sad that I understand your magic now. Let's see. Two. It's time. I'm going to use my invented. Yeah. Cause it has to be better. We have thrown Travis. We have thrown and caught an apple back of four to each other two times in a row. Don't draw attention to him. Make it seem like a thing.

We do all the time. Four better. Four better. Okay. With the six.

The second head starts to perk up a little bit lower. That's the nasi head. And nasi head. What

“loves but holes. So there is definitely some movement there, maybe not as much as if you were”

gotten say it's wealth. Yeah. But um, and as my bonus action. Okay. I'm going to very carefully take one of my, uh, vial bottles. The one that was emptied when, uh, no, that was broken. Yeah. Especially on her face. Take a different one of my vial bottles and very carefully dip it into the, uh, the river of forgetfulness. Ooh. Excellent. And you're working. I like cork it off. Give me a wisdom saving throw. But with advantage because you know what's coming

this time. You're ready for it. You're trying to dip in and out of there. I would say that would be more of a slide of hand. Wouldn't it? Don't you think it'd be more of a slide of hand? Because that's on. Is that what you're better at? I hope the god I am. Yeah. He's pretty good at sight of hand. Yeah. I'm better at slide of hand. Okay. Then yeah. Here we go, baby. I'm doing my best up here. 14. Yeah. With a 14 with, with advantage. Oh, with advantage. Hit it again, Matt.

Okay. Whoa. Your iPad just made a sound. Okay. They do do that. Thank you so much. Yeah. Well, is that the real Hercules out there? Yeah. 14. Well, stick with 14. Okay. Yeah. With the 14, you're the boba. And you get a pretty good, uh, I would say about half of vials worth of, uh, the river Leethy, which isn't how it should be pronounced, but is how it's pronounced. Yeah. All right, man. Uh, more or less. Sorry, Griffin. What?

Send your complaints to the ancient Greeks. I don't know. But you get about a half of vials worth. Okay. Of that. Um, Lady Godwin, you are a hateys. I know how you feel about Hercules. But if you don't help me, you're going to have Hera angry at you. And I know you don't want that. Now, please, let me borrow a Dracula. Let you borrow a, let me borrow a Dracula. I know I've said dozens of them

“down here. You must have at least one Dracula taking around, like a borrow. Now,”

I am going to spend your half on this. I am, yes, I am asking you with advantage. Hit me. What? Jinks. Okay. It works. I'm so proud. It's an audio podcast. History will show. They don't know. Now, we're going to need a camera for thrones. It's farther away now. Through Griffin's misty. It's now off stage. Griffin messed it up.

Anyway, let me borrow a Dracula. All right. Listen, I am more afraid of Hera than I am of Zeus or hercules. You can have one Dracula. But he has to come back when he's done. And you're welcome. I guess. And you'll clean up after him as long as it's reasonable. Okay. Hello, let's go. When it's his eye.

A Dracula. That's his first initial. It's Darren. Roll a D20 for me. We're going to see how good this

Dracula is. Box it. It could be one of the fucked up dragons. You get, you get advantage on this

Dracula. What do you need, baby? Go. Oh, no, he's sex is Dracula. I'm sex is Dracula. Toots. What does a

sweet bar of the like you don't need? And chicken, baby? Go beat that up on us. You got it, babe. Yeah, that's really good, man. It's funny, dude. Yeah, sex is Dracula's actually pretty

“killer. Yeah, it's a good Dracula. I remember killing that Dracula. It was a lot of fun. I think there”

were several men with you when you did it. All right. Hey, sex is Dracula. Someone would accidentally kill him again. He's got to act. All right. He, he attacks her Achilles. Yeah.

You see, her Achilles go flying back. That is actually canonically the sex is Dracula. I had no idea

that Count Dracula was canonically sexes. Really sexes. But it, it tracks. Yeah, it tracks. It tracks. Yeah. Yeah. He, he, he hits her Achilles. Her Achilles go flying back into Griffin roll a D for for me, or Justin roll a D for for me. And let me know what you get. Two. Two. He goes flying into the river of flaming blood. Awesome. And he is going to take. Yep. He's going to take 22 points of Darren. Nice. Well, Dracula, that's all I have for you. That's you. Thank you. You're not. But we could

hang out. Maybe you'll see I'm moving your knife. If he lives to see my turn again, I'll do a

different thing. Thank you. Sorry, guys. I just, I mean, it doesn't do does. Thank you. And that is how we killed sexism. Yeah. Sexism dies with him. He did it. All right. He was the last one. We got him. Yeah. Mission accomplished. It was all spread through me. Uh, up next. It's winning the blue. Yeah. You got it. I'm still hidden from Dracula, right? Yeah. Cool. I know it's going to actually need to. It's for you. You're not here. We're regular. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Yes. Sorry. I'm still hidden

from from regular non sexist circulates. Hey, you don't know that. Yeah. It's probably unlikely. More like Dracula. Yeah. Sure. I am going to use wild shape to turn into animal. Now, I'm only level six. So I can't be animal with a flight speed. So I would like to be a flightless, just kind of hopping around, but still super hot swan. You're going to make him roll. Yeah. You can't drive and

“travel. I'd like to be excuse me. I've done quite a bit of podcasting for this evening. And I think”

that's a series wrap on Justin Mappler. What kind of saving throw do you want, hurt you least? I'll do anything, man. Here take all my vanities. Whatever. And he's saving you a hand, intelligence and wisdom are both minus one. Then one of those probably intelligence to understand that his dad's not going to-- He got a five minus one, a four. Great. And you hear him go, "Ooh la la." No. No son. Don't mind if I do. Do mind if you don't. It's me, Daddy.

The feelings I am having are confusing and not where I thought this was going. Well, don't speak to so soon, sweet son of mine. I'm here to tell you. I've imbued this love a murder riffer with a boon of my own. Kusselet down and gain my power. Sounds good to me, pop up. And he starts drinking the flaming blood riffer. Only on this podcast, only there. All the D20 for me to see how many seconds of blood

“riffer he drinks. Oh, wow. No, that was not on the way. Oh! Why did I think I could do that? Come on,”

griff sir. Come on, griffin. Come on, baby. Come on, griffin. Come on, griffin. Come on. God,

quick math eight times nineteen. That would be 150. Yeah. Hercules dies. Don't worry, guys.

“It's just me. Winner the pool. Try not to jerk off too hard at my hot swan body.”

How you doing? Nope. I turn back into winning the pool immediately. Hey, Dad, can I take

control the file for just a second? Yep. File on Lady Godwin both drink the memory of racing

“quotient. To forget the last five seconds. We got two straws. All I'll never forget.”

Oh, what are we doing? Where were we? As far as you know, no swan related sex antics of average they can place. Hey, hey, he's starting to go listen. I don't know how to say

“thank you. This is amazing. You guys went a party in the illusion fields for like a week”

for like a vacation. Do you have any penny squishing machines up in there? We have all the

Vinnie's glissing machines you could dream of. And that's going to do it first. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

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