Can I Stop My Wife From Leaving Me?

>> My wife has asked her separation. I've screwed up. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've leaned in over the last couple of years. I've been doing the work to change, and don't feel like my wife is doing the same.

“>> Okay, the only way this works is if you and I can be fully honest with each other.”

>> Yeah. >> Okay. >> Hey, what's going on? This is John, the Dr. John Deloni's show, comedy from Nashville, Tennessee. Taking real calls from real people.

People have never met, but who want to pull up a chair and figure out what's the next

right move in there? Marriage is with their kids, dealing with their own mental and emotional health, but every got going on. That's what this shows about. It's got to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Austin.

Hey, brother Austin, what's up, man? >> Hey, Dr. John, thanks so much for taking my call. It's an honor to talk to you, brother. Thanks for hanging with us, man. >> For sure.

“Well, I wanted to call in and ask your guidance.”

How do I navigate my situation where my wife has asked her separation and asked for

me to leave, but I don't want separation, and I'm afraid it will just be the beginning of the end. It kind of broadening that slightly, how do I navigate a marriage where I've screwed up? I've made a lot of mistakes.

I've hurt my wife and my family, but I've leaned in over the last couple of years I've been doing the work to change and don't feel like my wife is doing the same. So why now, what does she want to separate now? >> So, we've been married for 17 years, and we've got three kids, and a lot of my parenting over the years has been, there's a lot of been a lot of anger.

I struggled with not showing a lot of grace or empathy to my kids, and I struggled to relate to both my wife and kids emotionally. And she has asked me to change several times, and I've not been able to hear her and have not responded well to that over the years. And then two years ago, the last two years have been just awful.

Two years ago, I realized that I was misusing my corporate credit card, and I self-reported it, and went through that process, obviously, that put my family at huge risk. >> You realize you did, or you came clean about cheating your workplace? >> Yeah, a little bit of both, it's a bit of a story, our previous policy had allowed me to make certain types of purchases that then changed, and I didn't, it just didn't occur

to me that that was not right. >> Okay.

“The only way this works is if you and I can be fully honest with each other.”

Okay, so if you made a mistake, if you made a mistake at work, then that's one thing. If you were cheating your workplace, and they changed the policy and you didn't like that change, or you're like whatever, they'll say something, that's another thing. So if this is yet another thing in a long pattern of being deceptive being, I'm going to do whatever I want, whenever I want to, then let's just be honest about that and put

on the table.

In the wake of that, I became pretty depressed for the kind of the first time my life dealt

with a lot of anxiety, and I tried to myself for a while, and being a person of integrity and this obviously was a huge failure in that regard, and so it's struggling with kind of questioning, I have known myself to be this, and this is clearly a big problem I ended up falling into. Okay, hold on, you did knowingly violate your values of your workplace.

You didn't know knowingly cheat your workplace. Correct. Okay, let's just sit on that for a second, man. It's hard for you to even say now. It is, yeah.

We've all screwed up, brother. Yeah, but you can't, you cannot possibly ask your wife to connect to you. If you are like a 30 cent plastic pieces that covers up the plug, right, so you have to

You want me to say in? Yeah. Okay.

“All right, so you violated your own core values.”

You put your family at risk, and then that spun you out. It did, I, I then fell into some pornography use, and you didn't fall into it. You chose to use that as a numbing agent. Yep. Okay.

And my wife found that, and at that point, she basically gave me an ultimatum, and this needs

to change, there's a lot of things in our marriage that need to change, and I'm going to leave this if you don't change, and that was massive wake-up call for me. I started going to counseling immediately, and the individual counseling we started looking

“for a marriage counselor, and then a month after that, we found out that my oldest son”

was molesting our youngest daughter, and so that just threw a wrench into my entire family. And it didn't throw a wrench in your family. It ended your family unit as you knew it exactly, yeah, right.

So, that was about a year and a half ago, so we've been taking care of kids, my wife and

I've been working hard to try to work through all of that, and things are getting better with my daughter, and my wife said to the other day that she feels like now she can focus back up on our relationship on our marriage, and what that has looked like is her starting to have a lot of panic attacks and anxiety and all around me, and so she's asked for separation to calm her nervous system down, and I asked her what her picture of that is, she said

that's me leaving and not being in the house. And for the past year, I've leaned in really, really, really hard into counseling. I've seen a huge amount of growth in my relationship, my kids is infinitely better than it used to be. I go over Christmas break, we had so much fun together, they were looking for ways to spend

time with me, and all I'm far more patient than I ever have been in my entire life, and that's positively affecting my interactions with them, how have you and myself?

“But everything you're telling me is about you, and the only way to heal your marriage is”

to say what about her? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I've asked several times what rebuilding trust looks like for her, I've heard you say many times like asking for that road map, and I've asked that in several different ways over the past year in counseling, and she said she hasn't said much, she's, she's

just not really given me that road map, and hold on, hold on, remember, if you've heard me say that, you've also heard me say, "Bah, hey, there's a language over and over again," right? Right. Okay.

Yeah. So, if she comes to you saying, "Our house as we knew it exploded," right, a part of me, my child, was abusing another part of me, another child. And through the smoke and ash of that mass, things have settled, and in that time period you were working really hard on you.

And then she says, "I'm going to use her, I'm going to add some language to her, her words of I want to have a separation for a bit of her telling you, here's road map step number one, my body is screaming at me that this house is still not safe."

And the very first thing she's asked you to do is a huge thing, but you said, "No, give

me something else." I haven't said no, this is on the a week or so ago.

My hope would be that you've done enough work, not to, like, and I say work, that you have

“learned the depths of your anger, and you've learned some ways to turn off that nuclear”

reactor in the middle of your chest, and you've learned ways to reconnect with integrity,

and be the dad and the husband and the man that you have always told yourself you are.

Not that you have done a bunch of work so that you can end up getting what you want. You and I'm saying that's there. And so if you've done that work over the last year, then my hope would be that you could lean into her saying, "Every time I'm around you, my body sets off, every alarm it has." And you could say, "God, let's come up with a very clear, and I'll give you a detailed

plan on how to do this the right way. I get your sense of fear, that's super valid and super fair." Totally get that.

What makes you think that this is going to, this is just basically step one of her getting

you out of her life.

“I think a lot of it's back to kind of what he's been saying, that behavior is a language”

where I've just seen more and more anger and blame from her in counseling the last year. She blames me for what my son did, our son did, she blames me for things that I can't hold somewhere for her health things, and I've been, what do you mean you can't hold some of her health things?

She's had some chronic illness, things over the years, and she just recently said that she thinks that that was because of me that she didn't stress about me, then, and I've been, and I guess my struggle with that is even if that were the case, I don't know how to hold that now when we're trying to rebuild things. I've honored that that response from her, and I can understand how that could be a question.

There is a correlation between relational health and body that keeps going to war with itself.

That's fair, it's not, it's not causal, you don't, we're never going to know this led

to that, but all that to say is this, have you sat down and said, do you want to end this marriage? I have. What did she say? She doesn't think so, but she doesn't know what to do.

Our marriage counselor has said recently that the biggest roadblock to us moving forward is my wife figuring out this trauma response that she's having, because she feels it doesn't line up with what I lived experiences in our marriage. In a sense, I think we both, my wife and I both agree with that, but she's not taking steps towards that healing and hasn't been, and that wraps up in the fear of this separation

being beginning to end, because I don't want to leave without the plan and place, and she doesn't seem to be able to even have that conversation about what that plan would be. Okay, so I guess there's two things you can do. You can say no, I'm not going to leave.

I want to continue to work on this.

“If you want to leave, I can't control anything she does, so if she wants to leave.”

You all want to figure out getting her an apartment, that if you're the only breadwinner, you'll, you'll, you'll help figure out financially how you're going to do all that, or she'll go stay with the, whatever, or you can sit down and say, I don't want to leave, but I do want you to feel safe in your own skin, right? And so I want to propose a one week separation, and here's the rules of separation.

get that ball rolling, but we want, we, we need a time out, which there's really good value

for that. Okay. All right. I just need this smoke to clear.

“I'm going to step away, but it's got to be for a specific period of time, and we have”

to already have on the calendar a place where we will reconvene to discuss how that separation went, and a plan for what happens next. So for instance, I don't want to leave, I want to continue to work on this, but I value you feeling safe in your own skin. And so I'm going to propose a week long separation, I'm going to go stay with, fill in the

blank, and that Sunday of next week, at noon, we meet at this restaurant to talk about how this week went, and what you want next week to look like. I can do that, and if you feel confident in this meeting, it might be the next one, it might be after you have your, your lunch or your breakfast, but if you will commit to saying some sort of boundary, I won't go beyond 30 days without a plan for what we're going to do

together next. The boundary for me, yes, I'll stay gone for 30 days, total, right, yeah, but or I'll

“stay gone for three months, total, if I see this thing, if we're both putting in the work,”

right, but right now it sounds like she's telling you, or not sounds like she is, she's telling you, I need a time out, and I want you to look back at the work you've done, not to get in her good graces, so you can just keep plugging along your life, but I want you to look at the work you've done that prepares you for this moment to now enter into her electricity, into her shutdown, into her withdrawal, into her panic, into her anxiety,

and say, I see you in my chief priority right now is helping you feel safe, so I will honor your wishes and I'll step out, and here's the bounds of me stepping out. I want us to text at least every day, or if you're not comfortable with that great, we'll text every other day. I want to face time to kids at night.

They won't know that I'm not at work or whatever, they don't need to know. I don't want the kids to know that we're separating, you fill in the blank with communication stuff, but let's set the rules up for this thing. You might want to even write it down and hand it to her, and you keep a piece of it, and

you can hand a third one to the therapist, everybody's got the same, the same everyone's

on the same page, but most importantly, we're going to have a date and a time and a location where we're going to meet next so that we can follow up on the work. We each have done how we're both feeling, and then go from there. Or you can just say, no, I'm not leaving, and my guess here in this situation is it will confirm what she has thought all along, which is even his health, even him getting well,

even him going to counseling is yet another manipulation tactic. And so asking, I've done this work, so I can love you super well, right now, loving her super well is, all right, I'll back out, but I'm not giving up on you. And I need you to be honest with me, if you're ever going to call the marriage, if you're going to file for divorce, I'm going to ask you don't drag this out for six months or

a year or whatever, that you have the courage to put your next step on the table so that you have a way to respond to the integrity. How are you going through this, brother? Keep this word in your mind, ownership, ownership, ownership. I will be responsible for my thoughts, my emotional reactions.

I will constantly stay in control of those things, and I will do the best I can to honor her in this season, but I'm not going to go quietly into that good night because I love you too much. Thanks for call, brother. We come back.

I'm going to ask how to help her husband, take financial responsibility. If you've listened to my show for any period of time, you know that I care deeply about sleeping well, about getting good sleep. And based on your email responses and your direct messages, I know you care about sleeping well too.

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“All right, it's got to Houston and talk to Amy, what's up, Amy?”

Hi. How are we doing? Good deal. You good? Yeah.

Now I'm fine. Sorry. I'm just a little bit nervous. No, you're here. All right.

I wouldn't say you're in great hands, but you're in good hands.

I'm not there. I'm not there. I'm not there. I'm not there. I'm not there.

I'm not there. I'm just a little bit nervous. I'm just a little bit nervous. Then say you're in great hands, but you're in good hands, I'm not there. So what's going on?

My husband, he, I'm the financial provider for our family, he does not work really, he works occasionally at a bar or doing odd jobs here and there, but I don't, I don't know how much he may. He, he's very, I don't know how to say, Cindy, that very close to the vest was his money.

The burden of the bills falls on me and my income, and I have a good job, I have a career

working in industry where I'm able to do a lot of extra work, and I do, I work, my main job and then I work three extra jobs. Why does it work? Why does it work? That's a good question.

It started a few years ago during, I mean, the whole time that we've been married, he has not had a consistent job at a whole work a little bit and then either quit or we make the decision that our needs for him to be able to care for our children at that moment in time is more important than what he's able to send the jewelry brings into the table. How old are your kids?

16, 11 and 11.

“So, would he classify himself as a stay at home dad?”

Yes. Okay. And is he, is he, according, in the way you see it, is he fulfilling that his part, his part of that deal? No.

No. Okay. No. I feel like even with him saying, how a large burden of just our man-managing our household and general falls on me and I don't, I've expressed that, I don't know if he's hearing

me or ignoring it or what, I'm not saying that. Well, he's not changing, so whether he's hearing you or ignoring you, at this point is a matter, the actions are staying the same. So, look, I might say the same thing. Yeah.

He's being very clear with you. Yes. I'm not helping around here. I don't want to, and you're going to do it anyway, so I don't need to. Right.

Let me ask you a deeper question. Okay. Kind of cut to the chase. Are you going to leave him? I don't want to.

That's not what I ask though. Are you going to? Yes. It's exhausting for you, I can hear your voice. It is exhausting, and I've had in my mind that the ultimatum and to say am I going to, I can't

definitively answer that, do I want to, yes, I've been through divorce before with a child and so I know all of the, and know the ins and outs of that and the dominoes that fall along with it, and so I don't want to go through that, but also I'm struggling to stay afloat myself. Okay.

So, with the wafing of our. Yeah.

“And by the way, in court, his financial records will be made available, right?”

So his cloaked secrecy will be laid bare for everybody. Mm-hmm. Whatever else he's got going on, this makes me think he's got other stuff going on that's shady that he's not telling you. Do you think that too?

Well, I know he has credit cards and things that I don't know about or that I don't

I did run my credit report and there are numerous credit cards on my credit report that I don't have possession of or access to when I ask them about them, you made the claim that he didn't have them. Okay. I want you to freeze those accounts.

I did. Okay. And so here's how the conversation has to go. Mm-hmm.

“Hey, you have to decide what your next move is.”

Are you willing to draw a line in the sand?

I always call this, like, are you willing to put in or what statement?

And then I always, a clarity as kindness, you've heard me say that, but I want to go deeper. I think in this moment, clarity is integrity. I want you to spend some time being very detailed in what needs to be different. Okay. Okay.

Not. I need some help around here. You're not doing this. You never do this. Not that.

Because he'll slip and slide and warm his way out of those conversations. But hey, I hate to put this burden on you, because you're doing everything else anyway, right? Right. But I'm going to be very clear about what needs to change and how. Okay.

And we're going to share finances and we're going to get to the bottom of these credits. You can go and request the expenditures from those accounts. And you can get detailed lists of what's been spent on them. And you can look him in the eye and say, you open credit cards in my name that's fraud. You can't look him in the eye and say, if we go through a divorce, if you choose to not

do this, all of your financial spending records, everything will be laid open, your work history, all of it will be made available in court for all of us to see. So the deal is, he's going to be open now or he's going to be open later, but the choice to not be open is off the table now. Okay.

And then it will be, here's what needs to be different.

You have to get a full-time job. I can't keep working a full-time job and three jobs on the side and making dinner and cleaning the house and making sure the kids get where they need to be. So I need, you're going to start driving the kids to school every morning and they have to be on time.

“And two days a week, I work at this schedule, so you have to pick them up from school.”

Or like, well, like, you see what I'm saying, like, we're going to be that clear. And then I think looking at him and saying, I do not want to end this marriage. I want to be married with you, but I can't continue in this, I'm not, I can't. I won't continue in this marriage moving forward with things the way they are. What you being as disrespectful as you are.

Okay. Yeah.

I feel like it's time to conversation on some level with him over the past few years.

And I don't know, I just, I guess it just doesn't because I'm not being clear enough. No, we're being very clear, but you're not following through. Okay. Right. Like, he's looking at your behavior as a language, too.

And that means she needs to have this big blow up in this big cathartic moment. And it all out, and then we're going to go back to the way things were. I think. So let me ask you this, is that how do I handle, I mean, how do I handle the follow-through is?

I say you've got 30 days to find something, find a job with, you know, benefits or something, you know, then, and he doesn't, and he doesn't do it with the amount of time frame.

“At that point, whatever you've put on the table, you have to leave my house, or”

I'm taking the kids, and I'm moving in with my mom. If the house is in your name and it's your credit that's bought it, then he needs to go. Okay. Or I will file for divorce, or I will file for legal separation, or like, you, you put on the table, whatever, I can't give you that, like, but you put on the table, and whatever

is happens, you have to be willing to uphold your end of the bargain, so don't put anything on the table that you're not going to fall through with. Okay. And you said your kids are 16 and how old? 16, 11 and 7.

Okay. The 16 year old, especially, is old enough not to be a part of this main conversation, but to be brought in as things are going to change dramatically around here and your dad's agreed. So I want you to know what's about to happen, your dad's going to be a full-time job.

I'm going to start working, stop working so much, and 16 year old, you're going to be responsible for these three chores, or these four chores, or whatever, and things are going to be different. And then if your husband's got one shred of integrity left, he's going to look at your 16 year old and say, "I've let you down in every way under the sun and that ends today."

I feel that way too, I mean, I just, I don't, at this point where I am, I don't

have changing.

“Remember this statement, conflict deferred is conflict amplified.”

Conflict deferred is constantly amplified. To be really gross and crass, the fact that you have a full-time job and you work three times, that's going to be factored into what he claims his alabony when he files for divorce. Right? These credit cards under your name are going to be part of your debts that he's going to

try to make a claim, and you see all this goes, right? So the waiting so longer and longer and longer to do this has created a bigger and bigger net for him to try to take grab and more and more of your life. So I mean, I cannot be the one responsible for holding your choices.

“You have to be an adult and not own those.”

I'll just tell you the longer you don't take full grasp of those things, the bigger this

thing gets when it finally sets off.

And I would do some forensic work if I had no time to even sleep, but I would dig in and find out what credit cards are in my name, I want full expense accounts on them, I want the information from the credit card company that shows how they were opened, who signed for them, right? And maybe you do that before you have this big conversation, but if he's forged your name on these things, right? There's all kinds of issues that we're going to run into here.

And there is innocent spouse provisions, there's all kind of stuff, that's usually for taxes, but there's all kinds of paths forward, but you've got to know what information you're dealing with. I think the thing that scares you the most, tell me if I'm wrong here, I'm happy to be wrong. Is A, you lifted the lid a little bit, and you did not realize how bad this was. So you slammed the lid shut. And B, you think he's up to more no good than you're willing to

internalize right now. Like, if you know, he was a bomb, but now you're like, oh, oh, oh, he may be seeing other people, he may be bringing home. God knows what into our bed. He may be

“working with guys off on the side, the doing shady stuff. Like, that's what I'm getting that”

sense from you, am I right? Yeah, I'm just on those accounts. Okay, all right. If nothing else, Amy, get your kids out of that mess. Okay. But I don't ever want you to make a decision based on if nothing else. I want you to make a decision based on your worth more than this. He is too quite frankly, but he's down the phone with me. Right. The more you're talking, the less safe I believe you happen to be,

is that fair? Probably. Okay. Seek safety first. Okay.

Okay. It's a fair. That is fair. And before I hang up on you, exhale with me. Where you at? You knew everything I've told you, you knew. Tell me how it's hitting you now, they're all at once. Yeah, I guess it's just to hear it from an objective party. That's a little, um, it just makes it more realistic, I guess, more real.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm heartbroken for you. Husbands are supposed to write her die and cherish her wives until the moon to the moon and back. I'm sorry. Husbands are supposed to wake up every morning and do the best they damn well can to set a good example for their kids. Give their wives an anchor point, I'm sorry. And I feel like my kids see the discrepancy. They do. They do. I mean, I know that they

do because especially my 11-year-old has mentioned it before, you know. They do a lot. But they also look at you and say, oh, this is what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to tolerate this.

and the pandemic. Well, I, I don't, I don't want to be strong and independent. I want my kids to see

strong iron-clad dependence on one another, right? But you can't do that because that takes two. Right. And you can't have that dependence right now.

“You call me anytime. And if you want to call me, I'd be happy to talk to him.”

But I want you to be very clear about what scares you, what you feel in your guts is true, whether it's about a legal activity, whether it's about affairs, whatever it is, whether it's about a mad-deep hole of debt that he's piled up on you guys. I want you to be honest about those fears and do what you can to figure out what's true and what's not. And then be very clear about what you're going to do next and communicate that as directly as possible.

But all of this none of this can happen if you're not safe.

You're not safe. We're going to seek safety first.

Thank you so much for calling. Man, I'm heartbroken. We come back and ask how to approach his dad about his new fiance after his mom's passing. Hey, most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything. You're mood, your relationships, even your mental health. And you can't fake being rested or endlessly cover up

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“better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go to Austin, Texas and talk to Alex. What's up, Alex?”

Hey, Dr. John, how are you sir? I'm good, my man. What's up with you? Oh, not much, man. Just wanted to get your advice, get your thoughts on a tricky conversation. I have to have with my dad. I'm not exactly thrilled about his fiance and, you know, it's going to be a delicate conversation. So looking for any pointers you might have. It's tell me about it. Yeah, so longer back story than the actual question. So I'm one of three

kids older brother, younger sister, parents, they together, whole lives. No real drama there. Good marriage. They raised us right. We're all grown now with our own kids, our own families doing fine. Parents were both pretty religious. Dad's got a couple of different degrees and some sort of biblical studies. He's done mission work. He's done preaching. So pretty religious background. About seven years ago, we were at my, my sister's wedding. My dad was, I was actually the

efficient at that wedding, you know, he gave a good little sermon on, you know, the biblical context of marriage and, you know, the covenant we make with each other and in front of God and with God, just a good sermon. This feels like it's a building. It is. It is. Oh, man. Because in two days later, it all came crashing down. I'm sitting on the porch with my mom and, you know, she's crying because she's found out about my dad's affair. Oh, man. Yeah. Dude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He blew up your

family. I'm sorry. He lied to your face and all those people. I'm sorry that he wrapped his jolly Jesus biblical language around his cruelty and his selfishness. I'm sorry, man. I appreciate that. I hate that dude. She's and obviously it was, you know, devastating for her. She's been, you know, they've been together since they were teenagers. Yeah. You know, he's done, he's done well, financially. So he's been able to support her. So she hasn't worked and she hadn't worked in

a decade at that point. So she's just panicked. How's she going to survive? What's she going to do? That's right. All right. So bring me now. Is he getting remarried or tell me, tell me what's

when the mom, we found her on the floor of her bathroom with empty bill bottles everywhere. Good

“guys. So, you know, we, everything ended up being fine. We got the ambulance there. We got her to the”

ER. She's been a couple days in hospital. But, you know, that took the emotions of the situation to be a lot more plot worse. You know, I went from being able to talk to my dad about it to I didn't want to have anything to do with him. We patch things back up. My mom ended up passing from cancer a couple years ago. That whole process. I feel like healed the family pretty well. You know, we all got together. Got our kids around her. Just really came together up until the end.

Did they stay married this whole time or did they separate? They, they stayed married. And then I give my dad his credit. He worked his butt off for a couple years dealt with mistrust and he worked to build back that trust both of my mom and with family. Okay. So they, they patch things back up. Mom passed away a couple years ago from from cancer. Dad is, you know, he's, he's not old. So he's, he goes on the dating trail. He's got one that was more serious found out he's recently

engaged. And it's the woman he had the affair with. Okay. So I guess I'm feel a particular way about it. This was someone who was involved, the only involvement she's had with the family is a very troubling time. So I don't really any advice you might have on approaching that conversation with with my dad. I mean, there's, there's, I guess I, I'm trying to think of the right way to say this. I guess I want you to ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish by this conversation.

Are you trying to break them up? That's, that's path one. You just want to let him know that I

think he sucks. And this woman's never going to be welcoming my home order. That's part two.

Like number three is dad. I needed, I'm, I committed back on mom passed away to always be honest with you. It's a bad look that woman has a negative connotation amount in our home and all of your kid's homes. And it's going to take a lot of work for her to return in our good graces. Because the last time we met her, she was a part of blowing up our childhood home. Right? Like it's, but it's asking you, what do you think this conversation's going to accomplish? And if it's just,

I want to say these things to him. I'll tell you right now, hey, it won't feel as good as you think it's going to feel. And it won't go like you think it's going to go. If it's to establish some boundaries,

I, as your son, I'm never going to be present with this. I'm not going to bless this wedding. I'm

not going to attend the way. Then man, of all, of course, be honest and be a person of integrity. As you say, here's what my, my boundaries are going to be. But I just want you to not use this as an opportunity to like pop a big zit, right? But to, like be clear about what your intentions are with this conversation.

“No, until I understand. So what, what, what are your intentions?”

Because I know you've run this, you're like me, you've run this conversation a million times already. Yeah. You have imaginary conversations with him about this all the time. Yeah, I mean, if, if anything, it's, you know, to set boundaries, because I mean, I don't expect him to act on my behalf, it's his life. I want him to be with who he wants to be. But at the same time, you know, my kids are very young. So they're not even going to remember my mom. Whoever he

finds next is going to be more of a grandmother to them than my own mom ever was. And I just, I had a hard time with that being, you know, the woman who almost ended their marriage. Well, so I think getting her no assuming she knew that he was married and all that kind of stuff. Are only dealing with this woman is that she is a person who lacks significant amount of integrity and character. And those aren't people I want to run my kids.

And I'm not going to attend the wedding or I'm going to attend, but my family won't be attending.

“Like, I think it's you getting really clear about what you're going to do next.”

And even if it's I don't have next steps, I just want you to know this breaks my freaking heart. Yeah. And he's probably going to tell you she's she's repented. He'll use his

you all that stuff. Probably make you feel bad for feeling the way you do.

“But you get to decide what you do next. I think integrity says I'm going to be a grown man with”

my own kids, my own spouse, my own house. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do next in this next season. And just don't write a, don't write a check that you can't cash, right? Yeah. No, I'm definitely not looking for that. Not looking to end relationships with them. You know, he's done right by me for decades. I want to end it all over that a couple bad choices, but same time I need to. Yeah. I mean, this does. I would have expected

if did he sit down and say, hey, this is going to be a tough one. He did initially when they

started dating, but since then, and since it's gotten serious and since it got engaged, he honestly,

he hasn't he hasn't even brought it up. So I found out through a sibling. So maybe I've jumped the gun here, maybe just sitting down and saying, I found out through a sibling dad. It's just true.

“Are you really marrying this woman who y'all two together blew up our lives?”

And you can look into the eye and just say, man, I just got to tell you that hurts. I want you to be happy. I want you to move on this particular one hurts. And maybe you let him know, I'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to, what I'm going to do with this. In the same way, you've proven to me over time that you've changed, that you're

a person of integrity and character now. I mean, she's going to have to, she's going to have to

go all in on that, too. Yeah, tough to fill the swallow. Yeah. I think to me that toughest pill here for you to swallow is the only person on the planet you can control as you. And that in this moment is pretty heartbreaking. Or let me, let me put another way. You know that like when it's all said and done, probably your mom wants him to not just spend the rest of his life miserable and alone. And he wants

him to have fun and date somebody and all that. But not her, right? Exactly. And so maybe just

“being honest and saying that out loud, like of all the people, man. Really?”

Yeah, I should have brought it up on the initial conversation when he said they were dating. I let him know I wasn't thrilled with the decision, but I had kind of, kind of honest, I hope that they would sizzle out and it wouldn't go anywhere serious. Sure. Not the only, the only person in integrity and character you can control right now are yours. And that would mean I'm not going to have imaginary conversations with you. I'm going to call you direct. That would mean I'm not going to

say a bunch of stuff just to make myself feel tough and big or feel better because that's not going to help anything and actually I'm going to feel smaller and worse when it's over. But I do whatever for whatever it's worth brother. I like this one hurts. I hate this for you. Again, like there's the sound so counterintuitive, but you could see him marrying somebody who's polar opposite of your mom, fun, crazy outgoing and your mom was quite

reserved and you could see her being like, yeah, that's that's good one. But not her, right? So I think it's just about deciding what you're okay with in this season and being very clear and honest about it, but not using this as an opportunity to put on some boxing gloves and show your old man up because I promise you it's not going to feel like you think it does. Especially if he's worked really hard to repair the relationship with you over the years. So thanks for calling

me. There's not an easy way to have this one. This is probably one if I was having this in my life. I would write down what I'm going to say and I'd probably read a letter just to make sure I was super clear and I didn't get distracted. You may be more emotionally in control of yourself than I can get some times and so you may not need to, but that'd be the path I take. Thanks for calling me in. We'll be right back. I've been talking about poncho shirts for years because poncho shirts

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Head to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and get 10 bucks off your first order when you sign up with your email. Again, that's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney for 10 bucks off your entire order. All right, Kelly, I'm either problem. All right, so this is from Jessica in Orange, California. And she writes, "My in-laws want to come to every single sports game of our children and my husband and I do not want them to. Or with a problem." They're constantly asking for

the schedules and we'll even talk to other parents at the games to find out about more games.

Let 'em come, why would they want to come? Let me finish. All right. We have told them we

enjoy just watching the game, not chatting with them, so please don't be offended if we don't sit by you. They don't care. They come and find us whenever we're sitting and they chat our ears off. They are so loud and they ask our kids, "Did you see me screaming for you?" Which will embarrass our children. My father-in-law seems to really enjoy talking with the other moms on the team. Which infuriates my husband because it gives off creepy vibes. He's asked

if now twice to stop it. They recently said that we don't talk to them enough at the games, and it seems like that we don't appreciate that there. Because we don't. Are we the problem for not loving them at every game? How do we handle this with love? No, this is a great example of a proxy war. Because this crap happens in every other facet of their lives with holidays, I know it does, and this has just become the focal point. So, yeah, if your parents want to

come to every game and support their grandkids and they're annoying who cares. If let them come for crying out loud. If they interrupt the game, they make other people feel uncomfortable. They don't respect your wishes. Like, hey, we're trying to watch the game. We don't want to talk about ants who's in the dog and whatever, then yes, then they're beginning to say we don't really care what you want or what you think. This isn't about the kids. This is about us doing whatever we want,

whenever we want. That is the problem. Not the game attendant. So, um, I don't know what to say when you're like, hey, please don't come. And then they come. They're like, does that feel like you want us here? And you're like, I mean, that's gaslighting 101, but it's like, no, I don't. But I don't,

“I don't, honestly, I don't know what else, what the next step is. Oh, then to say, you're not”

welcome here. I'm going to ask the league to give you a persona on grottom. You can't come here. Right. That seems like an awfully atomic nuclear option. What do you think, Kelly? This is sticky. I mean, unless you're having a sit down, very Frank sit down with them and say and listen. If you're going to come to the games, we're there to watch the games. Not to talk to y'all. Yes. So, if you want to come, great. Pay attention to the game. Stop talking to everybody,

because they're there to watch their kids or don't come. Yes. And maybe ask yourself, when you've quote unquote, we've told him this, is it passing and kind of laughing and or if you had that kind of sit down, hey, listen, this is distracting. We're hearing from other parents,

we're uncomfortable. Here's what we're asking you to do. And by the way, if you do that,

“it will blow up everything else y'all are not going on. So, just, that's why I think this is not just that.”

But it's kind of a weird both hand. If your parents are just annoying and they want to come to every game, get over it, let them come, let them cheer, and it's getting embarrassed that kids, so what? So what? Like, it's character. Do you hear it's cheering? Yes. I mean, come on. But if they're being disruptive, making people feel uncomfortable, they're being creepy. Then yeah, you only have to sit down and have a hard, hard conversation. Just don't expect it to go well.

Thanks for the call. Bye.