My Fiancé Cheated but I Still Want to Marry Him

Two or three months into our engagement.

I had discovered he had been talking with multiple people from different dating apps. I think we should continue with the wedding because there's a lot of money invested. If I'm honest with you, like the event is way down my list of worries right now. [music] Let's go on, this is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show.

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and hit the subscribe button and follow all that stuff. It just tells the internet overlords that you're a fan of the show. And it kicks up in the algorithm. And that helps everybody. All right, it's got to little rock our Kansas and talk to Anne.

Hey, Anne, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right. How about you? I'm doing great. God to talk to you. I'm happy to talk to you. What's up?

So my question for you is, if my fiance and I should proceed with our planned wedding or not, do to some insidelity discovered right before our engagement. Oh, tell me more. Tell me more. Yeah. So we got engaged last summer and then out two or three months into our engagement. I had discovered on a household iPad that before engagement, he had been talking with multiple people from different dating apps.

And I was able to see all the messages for we're still there. Yeah, I forgot about them. Yeah, so I, you know, confronted him with it. But this was months old just to him at this point. So he had sort of kind of forgot about it moved on and I was fresh to me. So it's called some fight contention in the home since then.

And he wants to potentially postpone the wedding. He thinks it's a good idea to postpone it.

“While I finish peeling or while I heal, so I think we should continue with the wedding.”

Because there's a lot of money invested. I don't have everything planned, you know. And yeah, so I'm just wanted to ask you sort of for some ways someone, you know, should we postpone? Should we keep checking along? If I'm honest with you, like the event is way down my list of worries right now.

Yeah. I can't tell if you're in a season of denial or if he's just a great gas lighter or if at the end of the day, like this sucks, but it's not that it's fine. It doesn't matter. We're going to move on with this thing.

I'm forgiven and we're moving on. I can't tell where you are, but your response is it's just neutral. And I don't have a way to pin it down. So, we'll take away the money. I know you got deposits.

You've got all that stuff. You've got the invitations. You've got the embarrassment. All that stuff.

Take that away for a second.

Do you want to marry this guy? I still do. Okay. Let me get beneath that question.

“Is he a person that you can safely anchor into?”

Till death do you part? I felt like he was before I discovered this. Okay, but we're past that now. Yeah. I think he still is.

I think the other qualities of him. I feel like they outweigh the this terrible thing that happens. Are you confident that this is all there is? I'm confident that I can be. I mean, I only was able to.

I saw everything that there was. I haven't seen anything since. And he assures me there's not been anything since. So I just have to. I either have to keep, you know, being fearful every day or I have to just trust him.

Okay.

There's a third option there.

Okay. It's not. Well, I just got to be worried for rest of my life or I just got to jump back in the middle of this boiling pot.

The third option is, and this is the hardest one, but this is the path to healing after infidelity.

If you're somebody cheats on you and breaks your heart. It is you doing the hard work to think. What must be true for me to truly trust him again? And then you give him a very clear roadmap for him to follow. And he walks that path.

And that path might be I don't want you to have a phone for six months. Or I want us to share whatever or I want to check your messages or I want you to delete social media. You can be as crazy and out there as you want because you're the one that got cheated on. And then he gets to be a grown up and say, I'm out. I'm not doing that or you're worth the rest of my life, I'll do it every day.

But you're kind of just, you know, the answer to this. And what you're avoiding is the hard work of truly learning to trust each other again. So as he had an idiot who was on dating sites after with a long-term girlfriend, just nervous and getting cold feet and just trying to see what else is like peeking over the fence to see what the other grass looks like. But the other grass looks like on the other field. Or is he a serial cheater?

Is he somebody that I just can't, I can't trust he didn't come clean, I had to find this stuff. He just forgot about it. Like, you got him saying? Mm-hmm. Yeah, the way he says it in the way I take it is. He just needed some release.

“I think there was tension between us for their long distance and he just, he just wanted to release.”

I don't think he's actually looking for anything or anyone else. He just wanted that attention.

And I wasn't, um, basically nearby to give that.

Yeah, that's not an excuse. It's a context. But I want to know what work he's going to do. He's been doing it what work he's going to do because you all will be a part again in your marriage. Yeah. Right. Y'all will be in separate towns.

One of you or both of you will be on work trips. And the day and in day out of just being married, you can share a bed with somebody and be a thousand miles away from them. Right. There will be separation.

There will be seasons of distance between the two of you emotionally and physically. I want to know what he needs to do for his quote unquote release. Right.

“I mean, is it a thing that's going to honor our commitment to each other?”

And it's strengthened this this concrete that we think are into or it's going to be like, "Oh, dude, you were gone." So I just had to. And then go to something else. Right. Now, it's strange.

Normally, it would be flipped. He wants to like go to the wedding and you're like, I don't know. Why is he want to pause this wedding? I believe he has in his mind. He's done the work and he's deleted everything.

And he's given me access to his phone and he's open and honest about things. And he feels that he's like moved on from this. I think he's sort of repented and healed from it. And he knows that he doesn't want to do that again. And go through this again, of course.

He's not the victim here. Right. So he, he, yeah, yeah. That's like the knife saying like, I mean, to cut that big hole in you. Yeah.

I've wiped the blood off. I'm good. I'm not going to cut you anymore. And you're like, cool. I still have a huge hole on a bleeding.

Right. And it's been, it's been a few, it's been several months since I found this out. So I really had hope that I could, some be somebody who was strong and could forgive him. And, you know, not forget, but move on.

“And I think he's saying that I'm still bringing it up even months later.”

And as not healed from it. So he's saying, well, maybe we should just hold off on it while you learn to trust me again. And, because I'm, he thinks I'm doing everything that I can do and you're not trusting me still.

And so I don't think we should, you know, jump into a marriage if you, if you feel you'll never be able to trust me again.

So what, what do you, let me put it this way. You're feelings that you're searching for. You're going to wake up one day and be like, oh, yeah, I can totally trust him again. Yeah. Those aren't going to come without, without a clear path.

Yeah. And if you're waiting for feelings to be your barometer, man, that's it.

They let us know when our body detects we're not safe.

Mm-hmm.

“And people who are like, you should forget your feelings.”

That's dumb. It's important. And it's also dumb. Unwise to let your feelings be the leash that drags you around the world. Because our feelings, job is not to tell us the truth. Just to get our attention. Yeah.

And so if, if several months later, you're just waiting to wake up one day and be like, ah, healed. That's not how it's going to work. If you keep bringing it up and hitting him, you've taken his screw up and you put it in your back pocket as an ace of spades that you're going to play any time you're getting beaten a card game. That's cruel. Yeah.

It's you deciding, I want to get to the bottom of what are the things about him I don't trust. Mm-hmm. Most of the time, I don't want to put you in this box. I'm just going to say generally speaking, either A. There's something in your soul that says, there's, I don't know the full story here.

Or B, there's other places with money, with time, with, where were you last night? Oh, I was with, there's other places. Where he's not trustworthy. And your body is like, man, tellin' you, tellin' you, and something's not right here, right? Yeah.

Or the third one is, you've been cheated on before, your body's run this script before, and you get what I'm saying?

Right. And the pressure of we already have the flowers purchased and we've got the church rented is weighing on what your body's trying to do and get your attention. Here's a, here's a way to flip this whole thing over. When we get off the phone, I want you to ask yourself, what if my body's right? What if this keeps coming back up? I keep, I have this sense of my spirit, something's not right.

What if my body's right? And I'm going to look with clear eyes, do I trust him? To be the guy that's going to show up for me and my kids? What things is he doing to deal with the quote unquote release, which whatever? And am I giving him a very clear roadmap on what it will look like to reestablish trust?

Or am I just walking around the house, my head down? Hoping I'm going to feel my way into the next right decision, and you're just, you're not. If he is telling you, I care about you enough that you're not settled in your, in your, in the middle of your heart. I'll postpone this wedding. I'll take the embarrassment and shame. I did this. I don't want to put you in any more uncomfortable situations.

If he's doing that, good on him.

“But you should have to make a choice on what you want to do next.”

And it's just going to take you deciding, I'm going to make a clear path here. And I'm going to be honest about why my body's fighting this thing so hard. Ah, sorry, this happened. I just can't wrap my head around the pain of, I've heard it countless times, can't count. The iPad and the living room, the phone, the connecting to the car.

I just can't imagine that pain is finding out, like, oh, the person I'm with is not the person I thought they were. What a heavy weight. We've got to figure out, waiting through feelings and emotions, and what's the next right move? Are we thinking about you, Anne? I can't make a call.

You go through your wedding or you can't, so if you want, but do it with clear eyes, not. Because I got a deposit laid down somewhere. We come back a woman asks how to set boundaries with her parents, so she can re-claim her own life. Hey, I want to take a second and talk to you about love.

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I've had some amazing mentors and friends who are also amazing women.

But one of the common themes I hear from all of the women who have poured into me over the years is that between caring for people and all of the other responsibilities and expectations that the whole world dumps on them women are under an incredible amount of pressure every minute of every day. And often they're encouraged to overlook their own emotional well-being for the care of others. Therapy can be a place where you learn how to set healthy boundaries,

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Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's up? Yeah, so I'll get right into it.

“So my question is how do I set and maintain boundaries with my parents or I can go with my life?”

When they're so insistent that it's my duty to take care of them until they're gone. Wow. Is there an arrogance or is this a cultural context? It's a cultural context. So we are first generation immigrants.

Okay. We moved here many decades ago when I was a child. And my parents started a small business. They were working long hours and understandably they were stressed out being in a whole new country. Yeah.

And they never were able to dedicate like the time and effort to like learning English.

Okay. So they've just known the bare minimum to get through their day to day. And it's been way of life for me to translate every piece of mail. Like business documents take time off school and work to go with them to like doctors' appointments. You know, like, color pairs to the bank who like all of those things that come up that's like outside of the daily routine.

And now that they are aging and, you know, they're healthy deteriorating and things like that. They've gotten so dependent on me that I'm unable to like make plans for my life. If anything, they're starting to imply that I really can't plan anything because I need to be here to take care of them. All right. Can I do something else mean?

Okay. Is that okay? I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm your friend and I'm on your team. But I just want to, I'm going to do something that's going to feel mean for a second. Okay.

Okay. I want you to run back the last few sentences you gave me, but I want you to change a couple of words. Okay. I want you to change it from they are making me to I am choosing. Okay.

So tell me what you are choosing to do when it comes to getting them to other appointments and everything. I am choosing to take time off work to take them to various appointments and I am choosing to not make plans for the rest of my life. So I can stay here and take care of my parents. There we go. That hits different huh.

Yes. Yeah.

“So the only the only way I've seen a couple of people be successful in this situation is to really get a clear.”

What I would call an or what statement. Okay. And what I mean by that is I've talked to people who have said my parents made choices when I came to their money.

They're aging.

They will never move into my house.

Best a lock. Hope Medicare Medicaid works which your parents may not qualify for. Best a lock to them. I've heard that. I've also had conversations with people over the years who are super frustrated.

Super annoyed with the situation they're aging parents are in. But they'll also say. I'll move. I'll move them into my spare bedroom. And I'll make my kids share it three to a room like I'm not going to leave my parents on the street.

And so getting to that inch finish line to that or what statement like like or what are you actually going to do. You're going to leave them out like right so getting there it tends to allow you to reverse engineer your actions after that. Right.

Because here's the thing.

The reason they are demanding so much from you is because they can. Because you show up every time. Which I think is amazing and noble, but it's also exhausting and frustrating and you're watching your life. Like are you married, are you dating anybody? Uh, I was married once before.

Okay. I'm dating again. Gross. Okay. So you're like you're like.

It's also really frustrating. Like you want to make plans. You want to do this.

“And then your dad calls and says you need to come over here and read my mail.”

So is there going to come a day when you are you're never going to go over there anymore?

Or if they don't have a place to live, then so be it. Because if that day is here, if it's coming, they need to know that. If then you need to draw that firm line in the sand, draw the boundaries and begin acting into it. You know, so recently I did try to set some boundaries. And you know, I don't think I went about it the right way because it was somewhat escalated inside an argument.

Sure. And essentially what I told him was like, I need him to please make his own decisions and like be an adult, you know? Yeah. And he hung up on me and he's giving me the silo treatment since. Okay. Well, he gets to do that. He's a grown man. Right.

You get to the side. Are you going to violate your own boundaries? Because you feel guilty. You feel uncomfortable. Whatever. And you're going to head back into it. Or are you going to say, if you need something, he'll call me. And then I get to choose whether I engage in it or not.

Yeah. And that's kind of where I'm at. And it's been a few weeks that we haven't had a conversation.

“I think he's just, I don't know what he's thinking about it. He just hasn't.”

You know exactly what he's thinking about it. Yeah. Because my mom is calling me. I have to tell me to apologize and just. You know exactly what he's thinking about.

So I mentioned this on a recent episode. My friend Dr. Becky Kennedy. She's a clinical psychologist in New York. She gave me a new definition of guilt. And it was just talking about mom guilt. But I think it plays to dad guilt.

And I think it plays to guilt in general when it comes to relationships. It's a really powerful reframe. Can I tell it to you? Yeah. All right. Here it is. Is going on a date planning a date and going on it.

And your dad's blowing up your phone because you want you to read the mail to him. Is going on that date and texting your dad back dad. I'll read your mail on Fridays when I always come over and read all of your mail to you.

“Is going on that date does that make you a bad daughter?”

According to them. No, no, no, according to you. Does that violate your values? Make out plans as an adult and going on a trip. I'm going on a date. No.

Okay. Does it violate your core values? Does it make you a bad person in your eyes? If you respond to demands for your time at regularly scheduled intervals? No. Okay.

So what the way Dr. Kennedy frames it and I love this is guilt is a very important. I'll even call it good emotion that happens inside your body when you violate your values. You're not doing that here. But when your dad cuts you off because you said, hey, I'm not coming over tonight to whatever bring you ice cream.

We can do that on Saturday when I told you I was coming over. What you're doing is you're taking his anger, his frustration, his temper tantrum. You're taking it from him. You're shoving it into the middle of your chest. And you're choosing to feel his feelings and you're calling that guilt. You know what I'm saying?

In fact, I know one step further and say, you feel guilty because you've become somebody that you don't trust. Because you keep having a bunch of imaginary conversations with them.

I'm going to tell them this and this and you'll never tell them.

And you're like, I'm going to quit going over there and you keep going over there. So your guilt is actually you're violating your own values, which is I'm going to don't woman. I need I'm worth having a love life and worth having friends and worth having my own world. And that doesn't mean I also am not going to take care of my parents. But I get to decide the terms of what taking care of means.

It doesn't mean that they have a built in servant for the rest of my natural life. Does that make sense? Yes.

“And there are some significant cultural layers here, right?”

Yes. Like I want to own, this is a very American way of looking at this problem. Yes. And I think because I've been here since childhood, I identify more with with this American way of thinking. Okay.

But they're just kind of stuck in the decade we moved out of this.

You're my daughter, you do whatever I say for as long as I'm alive.

Yes. You're my caretaker forever and ever, amen. And caretaker means you do what I say when I say it. Yes. Okay.

So here's the exercise I want you to go through with yourself before you talk to him again. Okay. Okay. Number one, I want you to be clear about an or what statement. What's your line?

If it came down to it, would you move him into your two bedroom apartment into one of the back bedrooms? Or if it came down to it, they're going to be on their own. Go ahead and solve that now because it will frame what you do next. And either one of those options is going to be hard to think about. Either one of those options is going to cause frustration, annoyance, whatever.

But that's just reality. So let's just put them on the table.

The second thing I want you to do is,

can you batch this caretaking?

“What I mean by that is, can you call your parents and say look?”

I love you guys. You're my parents. I'm not going to leave you destitute. I will come to your house on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I'll read you all.

You stack up all the mail. I'll read you what you want me to read you. I'll respond to your text throughout the day when I can. And if we have errands to run whatever Saturdays are air in day, or Thursdays are air in day, or win a Sundays or whatever, right?

Can you batch this caretaking so that you're not on call 24/7, 365? Is that possible? And then they get to choose, we don't want that kind of caretakering. You're a bad daughter. You should apologize.

You're terrible. We raised you better than this. And they get to say whatever they want.

“And it gets to break your heart and you get to grieve it.”

But you don't have to violate your home boundaries and run back into it. Okay. You don't understand? Yes. And I'm guessing that it's not going to go well.

I have tried this to some extent in the past, and it know it has not gone well. Okay. The fact that your mom is calling you demanding you apologize to your dad. Let's be know. This isn't just an out-of-control dad.

This is a family system. Yes. She probably took care of her grandfather and her dad. And by God, that's why they had you. Yes.

Right. What's your financial situation? Can you hire help? Not to that extent now. Yeah.

Yeah. No, they didn't feel before retirement. They are okay on housing because it's government funded. So I don't think I'll be in a situation where they're going to be homeless. And you have a lot more faith in our government than I do these days.

That's pretty true. You know. Yeah. So it is kind of tough. Yeah.

It's tough when we have to have a really firm reality centered grown-up conversation and the adults at the table won't have it. They just stamp their feet and want to pound the table like a toddler and say this is what's going to happen.

I hate that for you.

“But I think all of the should and half-tos and I don't want to.”

All that is just getting so heavy. It's so much weight on you.

Clear it all off and just say here's what I'm going to do.

And no matter what path you take, it's going to be hard. It's going to be frustrating. It's going to be fraught with big, big feelings. And you have to change your plan. You're changing your path.

You know at some point. But clarity is kindness for you and for them. Seat clarity and be very direct about what I'm going to do and not do. And I know it's not going to go well. You know it's not going to go well.

But my hope is just by using the words I'm choosing. I want you to feel re-empowered in this situation to do with the next right move is for you. And if it's to take care of them, hook line and sinker, make peace with it. I'm going to do this. I'm going to stop fighting at something April time.

Or if it is, I'm going to draw some pretty firm boundaries. And if they want to hate me and cut me off, they're grown up. So I break my heart because they're my mom and dad. But they get to do that. I'm going to do the next right move.

Thanks for calling Jane.

“I don't think I was any help to you at all.”

But hopefully I give you some frames and some homework assignments that will help out. Help clarify stuff moving forward. We come back. A woman asked how to reconcile with her family while still struggling to trust them. I've been ranting and raving about how much I love poncho shirts for years.

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All right. For the last few years of talk to couples behind closed doors across the country. In big theaters and auditoriums about their marriages. Everyone I'm talking to is either struggling in their marriage. Their marriage is good, but they want it to be great.

They want to build a new marriage. They don't even know where to start. They found themselves being co-managers of their house with their spouse. And they don't. They like, where is that spark?

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It's amazing. It's good. And it will change your marriage from the inside out. All right, it's got to Houston Texas and talk to Alice. What's up, Alice? Hey, how are you?

I'm good, are you? I'm all right. Awesome. I guess maybe not. What's up?

Whatever someone says, I'm all right. They're usually not. So what's up? Well, I'm really excited to talk to you. I have kind of a complicated situation.

So I'm really interested in your perspective on it. Let's untangle it. Yeah. My, I have like a extended history with my in laws. And after a business betrayal, they want to reconcile.

And I'm just not sure how or even if we should try to do that.

Well, I, when I met my husband, he had started this. Business with his brother.

“And, you know, over a period of a few years, they had made, you know, verbal agreements.”

You know, my husband was supposed to get a certain percentage. And his mother was going to do this on the thing. And so it ended up not being that.

And so ultimately, when my husband and I got married, we just moved out of state.

And my husband lost, you know, a whole bunch of money and any claim to the business. Well, then a few years later, his brother called and wanted him to then purchase it from him. And so we moved back and purchase the business outright. I felt like we were going to be protected by finding all the papers, all the things. Well, then our employees were still friends with my mother and law.

And he then helped them while they were still in play with us to create a competing business with ours. And so when it all came to light, we were just totally devastated and ultimately cut off nearly all contact with my in-laws. And so now a few years later, his brother has reached out and wants to reconcile.

“Did your in-laws like your husband's parents, did they side with your husband's brother or with you guys?”

Um, you know, I guess I should caveat my, my husband, there's a big age gap. And so, um, between my husband and I, there's more 25 years apart. And so my, you know, in my, his parents have both passed away. Okay. Okay. So in-laws are just your, your brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Correct, here.

Um, I mean, there's a lot of mess here. Um, your husband and his brother were not wise when they started his whole thing. Right. And I know everything sounds cute and cool.

I just do it the handshake. It's just, the just assumes it's never going to rain.

And it always rain. There's always tension. Right. And so, um, we, that's not why we're here. What does your husband want to do?

“Is he getting older in age and he's like, man, I don't want this, I don't want to hate my brother forever?”

Yeah, he does. And, um, yeah, he does. I'm not created a lot of tension in our marriage, too, that he wants me to, um, reconcile. And I guess I, I mean, I should add to that, um, my brother and my wife, my sister and my wife, she, she was definitely unkind for the several years leading up to, like, the big betrayal like she wouldn't, she just made conversation very difficult.

What makes nice little comments.

And so, it's hard for me to be supportive in trying to associate with people that I felt like never respected me in particular, but us together.

So, this reconciliation, like, that word, I mean, I'm going to give, like, a cheap definition, but it means to make it right. And so, if a guy that was my brother, if I have a brother, he's awesome. One of the most integral guys I know. If my brother and I went into business together, he tricked me, ripped me off, then sold it to me and helped a bunch of other people, to start a competing business.

And then a couple years later, came back and said, "Hey, I want to reconcile." Making that relationship right would come with me saying, with him saying, "I completely was wrong." Right. It would come with making things right with restitution. You guys are out 300 grand because of what I did.

I'm going to make this right. That would come with, "I know I've got to re-earn your trust, and so a path back would be awesome." And I'll walk it. Reconciliation is not, ah, come on, it's all good. Those are the old days. That's not reconciliation.

That's gaslighting. Yeah, that's exactly how I felt. He approached my husband and said, "I'll say whatever you want me to say, let's just, you know, gaslighting." That's cowardice, cowardice, cowardice, cowardice, and weakness wrapped up in a suit. Strength and integrity is telling the words, "I was wrong. I'm sorry."

That's reconciliation. Your brother-in-law does not want reconciliation. He wants to stop feeling guilty. Yeah, that's exactly. But my husband does, like, he, you know, he's the youngest.

I'm also the youngest, so I feel like that's a part of it where When you're like the younger siblings, then you look at your older siblings with stars in your eyes all the time. Yeah, but not when they take your livelihood away from you, and they burn your livelihood at the ground a second time. So, let's take your brother-in-law out of here for a second.

No, that matters. Here's what matters.

Your husband wants to be in a relationship with his older brother again. You can't do anything about that. And so, whining, complaining, nagging, picking at him. That won't solve the aching his heart, which is I want to have a relationship with my older brother period. I don't care what he's done to me.

“So, the question you and your husband have to ask is, what does that relationship look like?”

And what are my roles and responsibilities as a part of your new relationship? And you get to choose, I'm not going to choose bitter, and I'm not going to see that man. And if your husband's a man a character, when his brother's like, where's your wife? He says, "Man, she is still not over what you did to us." And he doesn't default, too.

Well, no, man, you know women, they just hold on to graduate.

He defends you in front of the person that tried to take Y'all's livelihood away. And if you won't do that, you all need to address that conversation in your marriage. But he is going to try to be in relationship with his older brother. Make peace with that. Well, I mean, that's fine.

And I, you know, I have not stood in the way of that. And I think, you know, if Y'all want to call each other, or meet up, that's great. But the thing that's really bothers me is that I has been his brother saying that he wants to be an uncle to our kids now and involved in, you know, that role.

“And that's what in particular makes me feel very uncomfortable.”

Hey, then be clear about like, you're talking a lot about your feelings. And those are important. Don't get me wrong. Very important. But I want you to be clear.

I don't want men who lie and hurt their family members, mentoring my son or my daughter. Right. And so it's not like, I feel he's this because when you're like, I feel he's this. Well, your husband's going to make, well, I feel he's this.

And now Y'all are in a conversation that is feelings versus feelings, and those never end well.

And so you being clear about what is it about this brother? I'm going to write it down, so I can have it very crystal clear. I don't want men like this around my kids. I don't want the mentoring my kids. I don't want them taking on a paternal relationship with my kids, which are great.

My two uncles are incredible. And they took on an important role in my life.

“And so like, but they're a good men of character, right?”

And so like, I don't want men who are not good character around. That includes your brother. And so when he decides ABC and D when he demonstrates XYZ, then we can consider having them around. But just because we share parents, just because we share blood, does that mean I'm going to put my kids in an unsafe situation with somebody who lacks integrity.

But that comes from you being very clear and direct. You got him saying. Yeah, I do. And as for kids, I would draw the line with kids. I mean, I would put my foot down kids if you think they're going into an unsafe situation. Mm-hmm.

And also, I can tell by your voice, your husband doesn't care. He wants it all just to be wiped clean and made right. I mean, his brother is very good at manipulating obviously. So when I talked to my husband, he's, you know, he sees like, oh, yeah, this makes sense. And then when he talks to his brother, he gets all turned around again.

Yeah. Yeah. Writing things down has a way of clarifying those things. There's a reason we sign contracts that way people don't say, well, you said, no, I didn't say that. That's what we write it down.

You're saying I should what exactly should I write down?

This guy's done some awful stuff to you and your family.

And beneath that, you don't like his wife. She looks at you wrong. She makes mean comments. She's just, oh, not that I don't like her. She doesn't like me. I know, but, but you don't like her, like just put it out there. It's not, it's not a moral issue to not like somebody. That's fine.

“How we treat somebody can be a moral issue, but you have to, no, we're not all going to like everybody, right?”

So let's put it all down. Why do I not want my kids around them? Yeah. Is it because I just don't like them and I don't want him wearing the name Uncle. Okay. Well, then we're going to get over that. He's fine.

Or I don't like men of that character or lack of character around my children.

And if I can help it, I'm going to put my foot down. Okay. Right. It's you clarifying in when you're clear on it, then you're not saying, well, I feel this and your husband's like, yeah, but I feel that it just says, if and when you're older brother takes ownership because I want my son around men who say the words I was wrong and I'm sorry. Yeah, he won't say that.

Okay. That's one of the, that is one of the defining characteristics of men that I will let mentor my son. Are they men who can say, I was wrong. I changed my mind. I'm sorry. How do I make this right? Because that is a sign of a person of integrity and a person with wisdom. Is he a person that realizes I stole and ripped off my younger brother and his new wife?

And that was criminal. It was cruel and man I was wrong. Because I want my son around men who will take accountability when they really hurt people bad. Right. Because when he was saying, I'll say whatever you want to say and then, you know, that's part of his passive aggressive cowardice. That's just weakness, weakness, weakness, weakness. Whatever we do, no, that is, you take ownership of this and all just all, I'll put a stamp on it. Now, coward, coward.

Strength is walking in the door, laying your sword down, taking a knee in front of the family member. You try to steal their livelihood from and saying, I wrong you and I'm sorry. That, that is reconciliation.

“That's not going to happen. So you have to decide the path.”

And I guess, I can't give you the path. You got to decide. I just want you to be clear about what you're frustrated with. Clear about why I don't want my kid around him. Clear why I am not going to go to the family reunion. Husband here, a grown man, you can do what you want to. Go, I get you one to be around your old brother. Fine, I don't want to go. I'm not going to go. And he can be mad at you. He can be like, I think you're making a big deal over nothing. Great. Cool.

And if you start to lose respect for your husband, I can't believe my husband's cowarding and walking back into this mess. We're going to get hurt again. Then have the courage to tell your husband specifically. I'm losing respect in you. I am losing attraction to you. I am losing security and safety with you and trust in you. Because I feel like we're going to end up right back and he's going to throw another business on the table. And we're going to be right back in the same boat. And you're going to be like, yeah, sure. It sounds great.

“And so it's just being super clear. Once you're clear, then we can say, I don't mind if my kids are around that.”

Or I'm not being around that. Or it just it clarifies our path. And we feel those feelings awesome good. And we we clear them up and we get really specific about what we're scared of. What we're struggling with. We're going to make our path the move forward. Thanks for the call. I hate that that happened to you. We'll be right back. If you come over to my house sometime, you're going to find all kinds of cool stuff like guitars and art supplies.

And you're going to find one main theme. My family loves cozy earth. We love their sheets, their pajamas, their blankets, their towels, cozy earth is taking over my house. Why? Cause they're awesome. They're comfortable. They're materials last. Listen, when you wash the towels a couple of times, they don't turn into an old rag.

They stay an amazing, comfortable towel.

Getting into my bed with cozy earth sheets after a long crazy day or a wild travel schedule. It just makes me go. And sing my wife and my daughter smile while they're wearing their pajamas sets. That makes me smile. Listen, cozy earth rules. And on all of their sheets and towels, they offer a hundred night trial in a ten year warranty.

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“All right. Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?”

All right. This is from Libby in Akrono, Ohio.

How long I want to say this before? We had a live event earlier today.

And I was speaking to a whole bunch of people and you entered me. And you said a whole bunch of nice things. And everyone on the show all they hear is how mean you are to me all the time. And I want them to know.

“Deep deep deep down there. Kelly's a really nice person.”

I meant all of them. Thank you for saying nice thing. You're welcome. You have like three years. You don't have to say anything. I'm good. Yeah, but that was very nice. Thank you. All right. So Libby writes. I've been having problems with my friend to 14 years lately. And so we plan to meet for coffee and go over some of the problems.

I took up your strategy and decided to write her a letter. I read the letter to her and it turns out we just had a lot of miscommunications that we had to talk out. Because of some of your tips, we were able to get on the same page and agree to start a new friendship. We both feel much better and are so excited to be on the same page again. Thank you for everything you do and how much you change. How much you change and inspire people in every day in their everyday lives.

And thank you to Kelly and the team. And yes, I really said that. She didn't say that, but I'm going to let that one slide today. Kelly added that in at the end because she said nice things. Hey, I'm proud of everybody in that situation. That's amazing.

Having the courage to say, hey, I love you enough to tell you here's what I feel and have the courage to hear.

Oh, that's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. And to say, all right, it's crew of the deck that's built it new.

“That's awesome. Awesome. That's how things will change.”

Love you guys. Bye.