My Husband Has Zero Interest in Sex

and honestly I was explicit and he promised that we could try anything that he would be

into it and then we got married and all the handcuffs were taken off and none were put on. What up, what up, this is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show. Taking live calls from real people, from all over the world, talking about your mental emotional health, your marriage, your relationship, your kids, all of it, whatever you got going on in your life.

“If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes so that Kelly can feel”

important. I don't super know what a show notes are but I know that everything's there, all the stuff is there. I'm so proud of you.

I didn't even have to remind you to say it and you did so proud of you.

Well, you got a tattoo on your throat that says in the show notes. She is trying to get AI on her side so she is changing her tattoo game up considerably. Let's go out to a Philadelphia and talk to Sarah with an age, what up, Sarah? Hi, how are you? I'm doing good, how are you?

I'm all right. All right. Yikes. So, what's going on? I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years.

He is kind, he's faithful, he's good to me in many ways but I do not feel desired by him. I haven't really for our whole relationship. I don't believe in divorce. Work is being married but my love for him is being drowned out by resentment.

I should deeply resent that he stole any chance I had to not just experience an unlimited sex life but the chance to feel wanted even in the most basic ways and I don't know how to accept the lifetime of not being desired by the one person who's supposed to want me. Okay, have you ever said that a lot like that?

Yeah, I practiced this little spiel for like 15 times last night to time it but then the guy said I wasn't supposed to read a script so I had to edit down. Sorry.

“No, I'm wondering if is that the first time you said that all out loud to another person?”

I mean, my husband and I have talked very openly about it. What does what does desire mean to you? That he like when he looks at me or thinks about me he thinks I want to jump a bone. Okay, like I like I like I want to try things I want to experience things. So so desire for you is is sexual it's in the bedroom.

Yes, yes. Or on the kitchen table, wherever on the couch like wherever yeah.

So backing out of like we'll get to talking about sex, okay, but let's back out for a second.

Where else do you not feel desired? It's mostly physical, he does a really good job of appreciating my personality, hard day work or the effort that I put in to everything, he loves him respects me, he is very kind, very gentle, very just like he's a really good person, he's a really good guy.

“And we've talked a lot about this and I think he just does not feel that desire.”

I don't think it's me personally, I think it's no matter who he was married to, it wouldn't. He just doesn't have the even, we've originally got married and even when we were dating this was an issue, we attributed it to fear of pushing purity boundaries and he told me once we're married, you know, I'm not going to keep my hands off of you, I just don't want to push a line, I don't want to cross anything, we're not supposed to, so I chalked up

his not wanting to make out to wanting to be a good Christian and, you know, I loved that at the time, but I was very open and honest about wanting a fun and enthusiastic sex life, I was really vulnerable and honestly I was explicit and he promised that we could try anything that he would be into it and then we got married and all the handcuffs were taken off and none were put on.

So, it's not a normal problem, all the Christian marriage books have a chapter about the

The, I, I, I, most of the Christian marriage books are about as useful as used for the paper, so, yep, so let's put those aside, my biggest concern here is you have said, I want this and I value this, and he has looked at you and said no. Yep, he said, I'm really sorry, I, I know that, but this is what you wanted, I know, I promised you that I would do these things with you and give you these things, I just, I don't want to, I don't, I don't, so how do you hold that intention with, okay, and so, let me say it like this, and I'm always careful when I say this because it's weaponized in really awful ways, okay?

So, I want to say this upfront, if you are, it usually gets weaponized in the reverse, so if you're a man who's listening to this and you choose to weaponize this, I don't support that, in fact, I condemn that, I think it's wrong, okay, but, there's two different types of desire. One is spontaneous, it happens, it sounds like you, I will do it anywhere anytime, oh my gosh, he looked at me, how about right now, right? And there's responsive desire.

Once this train gets cooking, I don't feel like it, in fact, I rarely feel like it, but I've never said that I did it.

“In fact, it feels good while it's happening, it's also, it just, yeah, he, he experienced, sorry, I know, go ahead, is that him?”

Yes, sometimes, okay, so this isn't about like frequency of sex, we have sex a couple times a month, I initiate, most of the time it's kind of not in the mood, maybe later, sometimes he gets into it and it's fine, those times are always the same, but they're fine, but a lot of time it's always the same, what does that mean? Same positions, same routine, same thing, yeah, but a lot of times it's like obligation sex, which honestly I, it's worse than just being straight up shut down, it's

I agree, I agree, I agree, I agree, and so I guess my question for him is I would ask for anybody on the other side of this is

because you don't feel like it initially, why has he not explored, why I don't feel like it? So about five years ago, after a lot of pushing, we went to marriage counseling because, you know, as you say, is he, is he, is he a sexual trauma, like let's try to the bottom of this, because we had already done the like physical, go to your doctor, get tested for stuff and after a year of marriage counseling, he could not remember any kind of sexual trauma, he, out now does not think it's any kind of attraction to men or anything, we really got nowhere, the counselor recommended that we ended up separating, so we separated for a couple of months

and then we stuck going to counseling because I didn't want to be separated.

“Okay, so you've boxed yourself into a pretty, pretty harsh predicament, right?”

Yeah, and the other part of this is I sometimes wonder if I'm in the wrong, if the roles are reversed and, you know, has been asking, is why for something that she's not comfortable with, you know, everyone agrees that that guy's vitally boundaries, so, you know, I'm spiral with sometimes is like, for example, a oral sex, I love giving it, he has no problem receiving it, he promised, he would try oral sex with me, but in 12 years of marriage, he's never once attempted it and he knows so much his hurts because it, bringing it up, almost every time we talk about this,

and what's his reason for not doing is, I think it's gross, as you know, comfortable with it, he's thinking it's wrong. He does not think it's wrong, he, he doesn't want to do it because he thinks he'll throw up, and that's really hard. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

“Because it's not just about, you have the act and the fact that I'm never going to get to experience it, but knowing that my husband is like, rich, repulsed.”

Yeah, and it's not me, it's not me specifically, the shirt of me or that, like, he's told me, like, I am attracted to your body, it's not, it's not you specifically, it's any, and even Diana would gross about it.

I've never seen me, I've never seen me in the light.

I mean, I guess the best I can do right now is sit here with you, that sucks, it's heartbreaking. Yeah, thanks. Um, and I have some very unhelpful, un, unremarkable wisdom to pass along to you, but it's not going to take this pain away.

Um, There's a lot here.

“My, I'm tempted to say and I want to tell you that my temptation is wrong, but I want to call it out for anybody who's listening to this, okay, I'm tempted to say, what if we believe them?”

No, hold on, hold on.

I think there's something else.

It's, this one's hard for me because I only, I only have one side of it, okay, and there is a, it's overrepresented in the media, but it is a, a physiological thing. There is those that, they're, they're classified as asexual. Yeah. The switch is off, and I have an, and they have no interest in turning it back on, or they have no interest in being interested in how, pleasure bro, I can make my spouse's life. Yep, and I, and I don't know how to forgive him for marrying me anyway when I knew any new way that I was not going to be content with that.

“Because how do you not know that about yourself?”

Maybe that's, yeah, I mean, and that's where I'm going to get to my unhelpful, like, it's, it's not going to make you feel better or wisdom here.

I would be very careful about the stories you're making up about him and why he did what he did. Why he's doing what he's doing. Because the stories you're making up about what he, why he's doing what he's doing is causing as much if not more pain than what's actually happening in reality. And they're not getting you any closer to what you want, which is to be desired by your spouse. And you all have done the things that I would have recommended like go get hormone checks and medical checks, checkups, and go sit with a therapist and go try to unpack some of this stuff because statistically speaking it is outside of the norm.

Yep. And coming up with reasons that he somehow tricked you somehow lied to you somehow created this, like that's a lot of, that's coming from inside of you, not inside of him. Unless he's looked at you and said, yeah, I kind of knew this, I just thought it wouldn't bother you that much.

“If he did, if he did do that, that's some significant deception, right?”

Yeah, no, it's not that. Okay. I just don't know how to feel anything other than resent me and anger at this point, and so I think it's probably just an easy way to direct my anger. There you go. That's a really powerful statement you just made.

There's, there's not an easy remedy for my husband says he's going to throw up. There's no remedy for, there's no easy remedy for my husband has refused to look at my naked body for 12 years period.

I'm going to be really honest with you and tell you I've never heard that.

And I've talked to thousands of different people. Because that's, that's, that's not a, that is an, I'm going out of my way to make sure you don't feel loved. Do you know what I'm saying? And I get how this gets all tangled up into, she won't do this particular act. And I would tell some guys to get over yourself, move on to your life, you'll have a healthy sex life, you'll have a bunch of stuff and you're focusing on this one thing she won't do.

I don't hear that in your situation at all, okay. Because I do get calls for mostly for men or have conversations behind closed doors with mostly men who are like, man, she does this, but she won't do this one thing. And that's, this, like the, the glasses they wear is just the one thing she won't do. And it's a refusal to honor discomfort on a particular thing. This is different. Hey.

This is a wholesale rejection of you. And this is hard to hold this tension. And I'm going to put it here without having talked to him and say that the rejection of you is somehow malicious or evil or mean.

I think he just doesn't want to.

“Like he doesn't want to see me because he thinks it's gross.”

He doesn't want to. But the fact that he hasn't been, like, let's, let's figure this out together. I think this is going to be gross. Well, let's find out. Do you understand?

Yep. That, that to me is the gap. I, I don't know.

I don't know where to go.

So the unhelpful wisdom I have for you is this. You've boxed yourself in which with it in this, in this world, which is, I will not leave.

“And I really, really want this part of my life, which nobody on earth would blame you for.”

For wanting to be desired by your spouse. Okay. Yeah. And so the only path in this box that you've made is to decide I'm going to let go of resentment because it's solving no problems for me. It's just setting fire to the small cage I've put myself in.

I don't know how. I know.

I, I, I, I can walk you through it, but I couldn't do it in a, in a 15 minute phone call.

No, sure. I can sit here with you. Because your, your pain in your heart is very, very real. The rejection is very, very real. Thanks.

You're not crazy. Okay. Being told that you're disgusting is is, I can't, I can't wrap my head around feeling like that. So if physical sexual intimacy is off the table in your marriage, you have two choices. You can stay or you have three choices. You can stay and be miserable and be angry all the time.

That's what's happening now. Do you can leave and you've said I'm not going to do that? Nope. Or see, I'm going to stay and I'm going to find out what play and arrows and eroticism and joy and laughter looks like in this set of circumstances that I have found myself. Okay. How do I do that?

You got to sit down with a therapist and walk through that. It's going to take time. Okay. And going in the front and with a therapist and saying I'm not leaving my husband and everyone tells me to leave. I'm not going to. Period.

I'll learn how to grieve well. And I want to learn how to be compassionate at the same time.

“Because here's the thing, I'm hearing from your voice that you don't believe him.”

I think I've just felt so much resentment for so long that I have had to direct it somewhere. And I've known about myself for since I was a teenager that this is who I am. And it's something about myself that I really like. I like that I feel this way and then I knew I was going to want to have this as part of my life. And I spent most of my teenage years in young adult years looking forward to sharing that with my husband.

And when I got married being like, just like. And for the fact that this like piece of myself that I really like about myself is the thing that causes all the pain. But it's it's not though. It's deeper than that. You know what I'm saying? Like you you had this picture of what you thought your marriage is going to be and that period is different. And that picture is different. Now you've heard my show that happens all the time.

People who find out they're they are not going to have kids and they had a picture in their head of 10 kids and pick people who have lost people who like that happens all the time. And it's painful and it's the worst and it happens to every married person. It's some shape from refashion that a picture of what they thought things were going to look like in its different. But this is different than that underneath at all. If in your bones, you don't believe them.

Then the rejection is an active he is actively rejecting you. I am choosing my whatever over your. I mean like being with you. Or if you dig all the way down you realize, oh my gosh, I believe him.

Then there is the I'm going to grieve it like crazy.

“And that energy I have, that expression, that power that's inside of me, where else is that going to be channeled? How am I going to make meaning in purpose of this?”

So so so so much here. And sorry, I couldn't just, yeah, wave of magic wand on this one. And so I don't have, I don't have a good lived experience here. I haven't had this conversation before. This one's out of my depths. But I would sit down with a therapist and say, I'm not leaving him.

I need some path forward because I do think he's a great man who is incapable of giving me this part of my life. And I'm not going to leave him. So I'm going to grieve it. And I'm going to realize that my cage is locked from the inside. And I'm going to step out of it. Or I'm going to really get down into my bones and realize, I think he's, I think he's doing this to me.

And I'm going to act accordingly there, because then it's an act of fidelity. It's an act of an act of infidelity.

“Somebody's willfully withholding and willfully not doing the work they can do to become hold himself so that we can build something amazing.”

And the whole thing gets so messy and it's so abused and it's so hard to talk about in a tiny little sliver like this. But I'm really, really grateful for your call. Thank you so, so much, sir. So I wasn't much help on this one. We come back, a man asks at an overcome resentment toward his oldest child. Every single day of my life, I talk to people who are anxious and overwhelmed.

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All right, Brooklyn, New York. Let's talk to Nick. What's up, Nick? Hey, hey, John. Thanks for having me. You got it. Brother, what's up? No major. Thanks for having me. I have some massive fan. I want to get into the question. You know, they really brought this.

I would say a while, but as I'm doing more thinking, you know, I'm just getting to a point where I'm getting very frustrated at my oldest son, and I can compare it to my second son that I have. No, this son is almost three.

“And I think that I lack, there's a part of me that just lacks patience and kindness towards him.”

And thinking and thinking through it, I think that there's a part of me that hasn't, like, let go of the fact that I'm a parent, and not single anymore, and I have responsibilities. And I think there's a resentment in me somewhere that I can't seem to let go. And I think that triggers a lot of anger and frustration and impatience. And compared it to my second child, I don't feel or get angry or frustrated or lose my

patience with my second child, almost never compared to my first child.

But my first child is almost three of my second child's year and four months. So what is it about this three year old that sets you off, man? Literally everything, everything, I mean, I mean, three year old. Do that, you know why? Because there's three. But I guess, how old are you?

I am 26. Okay, so there's a 26 year old man. Why is? Why are your feelings subject to the whims of a three year old? Because that's my whole world right now. Tell me about that.

“Besides, outside of work, I'm coming home, and it's in my life and kids.”

And when I wake up, I'm waking up at six o'clock to a cranky kid.

And I come home, I'm coming to a cranky kid, or not.

I don't know what I'm coming into. And yes, his tantrums, for example, are not going to set my mood per se. But it's more that, yes, three year old aren't supposed to listen. But he could listen and he knows how to listen. And when he looks at me and doesn't listen to me and just laughs,

I just get very frustrated and very angry. Something that I'm proud of, and I know I'm balancing. So here, let me say this. I'm just going to be as open as I can. I'm balancing my complete and utter understanding of where you're at.

Okay. With also my, I am proud of you for being honest. And I'm balancing those two things with my, I want to, like, grab your head and shake you. Right?

That's on my wife is sometimes also. Okay. She's a master fan. Well, sorry. On your behalf, sorry, if she bombard you with clips from my show,

like you need to do like this, right? Yes, we go on this. We go on broach shift. And she's like, we're going to listen to the jungle learning. Oh, I'm sorry.

The, the, I know from a logical perspective. Yeah, this has nothing to do with life. No, it makes perfect sense. I guess my, my question for you is,

what do you think you're missing out on?

“I think I don't know what I'm missing out on.”

Okay, I'll tell you right now exactly what you're missing out on. Okay. Okay.

You're missing out on the amazing extraordinary adventure of a father and his son.

You're not missing out on drinks at the bar. You're not missing out on shenanigans with your buddies. You think, you, you like to think that's when life was free and that's when life was good. But that, that's, that's playing at, as Jimmy Carse says, that's playing at the low stakes table.

That's playing the penny slots and thinking you're having fun. And then you moved up to the big kid slot. You moved up, you, you got off the slot and you moved up to the big kid blackjack table. And now you're in a real game. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And in a weird way, it's like, I hear you saying, like, you don't deserve this. Like, how dare a three-year-old disrespect me? And I'm like, bro, he's three. You're, you're putting adult responsibilities in adult ways of seeing the world on a, on a,

basically a wrong nerve. You know what I'm saying?

And it's, it's hard for me.

“I know, but I think it's, it's, tell me if I'm wrong.”

Is it frustrating you? Because it's reflecting to you how powerless you actually are to the world you're in now. Definitely there's a little, yes, definitely I, I'm not willing to admit or, I mean, consciously, I'm able to admit it, but subconsciously there's a blockage that's not allowing this to happen. Okay, that blockage is called ego and it's going to destroy your family unless you go to war against it right now. Right.

Because you're not less of a man when your three-year-old talks back to you. You're not missing out on an extra 30 minutes of sleep when you're six-year-old, I mean, your three-year-old comes watering into your room cranky and wants to get in bed with you. You're winning everything. You get what I'm saying? All right.

So, in playing this big boy game, you know, that's a big boy game of poker. You know, I wake up every day and I'm like, okay, I'm going to be the best father I could possibly be today. And I literally wake up every single morning and I try to think about the day was yesterday where I could improve and I really think about it as much as I can. And I'm trying to make improvements and they don't just want small things, just like tips my scale. I don't know how to really start my day.

I've got time to just get over it. I've got you. Okay, you're ready.

“You're going to be a great father in the rearview mirror.”

The line he was a great father will be something that your boys say at your funeral. If you make that your goal every morning, you have launched out. Like that's like saying, I'm going to go bench press 500 pounds this morning. You're setting yourself up to fail. Okay.

Wake up with way, way more actionable habits and goals. Like this. I'm going to go love well today. I'm going to go be silly with my three year old boy today. I'm not going to try to give him lessons of discipline and correction.

He's three. By the way, he's taking his cues of emotional volatility from his dad. He's just mirroring it back to you, which is what makes it so ang frustrating. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Like waking up every day like, I'm going to be the best out in the world. Dude, no man can live up to that. And here's why. That's a moving finish line.

You can never reach that finish line.

Because you always could have made more money. Send him to a better school. Been more supportive. Showed up at more things.

“Like that is that's what's got our culture into the message in right now.”

Is your turning being a father into some sort of. Um, stage performance. Right. Be with. I guess it does feel like I'm failing to stage performance.

That's it. And you are because it's an impossible. It's it's never meant to be on a stage. A father, your kid. Your kids are going to watch you and your son is going to absorb the tension in your home.

And if he feels dead is pissed off. It is job pissed off that he. I'm getting the sense was this was he a plan pregnancy or no. But that's a little complicated. Um, no.

It wasn't. It was planned. Yes. Because it wasn't really proper birth control in place. And one during my engagement.

I didn't really have the. I mean, my. That's what I'm 26. I was young. Um, and I didn't really have the words to communicate.

And now normal and safe proper tone that I'm not ready to have kids.

So we basically, yeah, just a result of.

Um, not using proper protection. Okay. For all that is holy. Do not make that kid carry the weight of that. Right.

This isn't his fault. He's not here. He didn't choose to be here. You did. Right.

Right. So we're going to honor the bloody hell out of this kid. And I'm going to seek one connection point in the morning. I am going to seek to be the calm presence of my home. I'm going to make peace with my job.

But I'm working like crazy.

We don't have any money. When a kid feels peace in their home, they have a chance for their nervous system to be at peace. Right. It's kind of like I'm waiting for the next thing to happen.

What's what next thing? Just the next answer. I'm the next. The next just whatever comes in whatever's going to come out of my three roles. We're waiting for the next thing.

What's going to happen now?

“Do you realize that the whole your whole house is spinning on the top that is your three year old?”

He can't carry the weight. He's three. Like if his dad is so reactive that he's waiting to see what he does or says next, he can't possibly win that engagement.

And here's what will happen.

He'll learn quickly that it's his job to make sure dad's not in a bad mood. And he'll either bury himself trying to make you happy, or he'll go to war with you so he can finally be seen in any shape former fashion he can be seen in. Correct. Then I see those two to make sure he's okay.

We're going to take all that weight off his bar right now. He's a nice three man. He's too early to be in the weight room. When he throws it temper tantrum, we're going to get down on eye level with him and we're going to say hey bud, I'm right here. As soon as you're done, I'm ready to play with the ball. I'll be in the other room with the ball. And you can walk to the other room and flex your muscles and be like,

yeah, right. He's not going to see that. And I'm going to begin practicing, not outsourcing my feelings to the performance of a three year old.

“Here's the thing, it's having compassion with yourself and your instant response.”

And then do the next right thing, which often is I'm going to back up for a second.

If you put this down on paper and read it to your wife, face to face, looking around the eye when you can. And say, I want to practice humility. I want to practice letting me go go. I want to practice letting this anger go. I need to learn some new skills. Will you be my eye in the sky when I can't see?

After she picks her jaw up off the floor, my gut tells me she's going to hug you big and say, yes, I'm with you. Is that fair? Yeah. Can I just tell you, man, there's a lot of dads who cash out and you're not one of them and I'm proud of you. Appreciate it, brother.

Like for real, not just talking, I'm for real. Thank you, appreciate it. If you're able to get control of your anger now and get control of your need to inflict power over instead of be with your son. My God, you're setting up a lifelong relationship with your oldest boy that's going to be transformative for you for him and for your entire family tree. But that starts with you inside your own chest, not with the actions of a three year old.

This is about a emotional maturity and strength that comes in the form of humility and exhale and not outsourcing feelings to kid. I'm proud of you, brother. Call me anytime, man. I'll walk with you on this one. This is this right here, brother, is how family trees change.

We come back, a man asks if he needs to match his girlfriend's sex drive and how to handle the pressure to commit. All right, true story. I was going to lunch with my producer Kelly and she got into my truck and she was expecting to hear some kind of punk rock music and she was surprised to hear a gentle voice reading Jesus's famous sermon on the mount. I looked at her and said, yeah, I don't just advertise for how I actually use it. How was the number one Christian prayer meditation app in the world for a reason?

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All right, let's go out to New York, New York, New York, and talk to James, Sub James. Hey, how's it going, John? I'm good brother, what's up, man?

Hey, so basically, I'm girlfriend, she put basically an ultimatum saying, she gave me to June 1st to tell me that I planned to marry her, otherwise she doesn't want to waste her time, basically.

Hold her. I'm 30, she's 32. Okay. Do you want to marry her? God, I wish I could have a concert answer. I told her, I'm on that path, and I want to get there, but... You're 30, you're 30, how long have you all been together? Okay, you know.

Okay, then, not knowing, is that an answer to?

“Yeah, that's what I told her, and I respected her for giving me that time frame.”

That's fair, I don't want to waste your time either, and I love her. I really, I could see a life affair, but I feel like we're still growing our relationship. You're going to grow your, you know, I've been married for 23 and a half years. I have a relationship growing minute by minute still. Yes, it is.

What are you, what are you afraid of? Take sex off the table for a second. Where are you all not aligned?

“Yeah, I've thought about that. I'm afraid that our values are not aligned.”

Don't know. She wants to move out of the city in three years. I don't. I'm, I have a big side hustle passion of music production. I want to be able to focus on that and do that a lot. And being out of the city, I feel like I want to be able to do that as much. Her first priority is I want to start family. I want to have kids. I want to live in the suburbs. Is that?

Do you want to have kids? I do. So, this is going to sound crazy, and I was much younger than you, okay? At 21, I was 21 in my life as 20. She was my girlfriend at the time. We broke up.

And here's what was my reasoning.

If all of my dreams come true, and all of her dreams come true, we'll end up on opposite sides of the planet, literally. What I did not have a capacity for was how silly and ridiculous my dreams were in comparison to how great a connected and amazing marriage and kids and that whole of the thing was. Yeah, and I'll tell you this, in a million billion years, I would not have been able to communicate to my 21 year old self or even my 30 year old self. Hang on, brother. The thing you think you want is common, but it's going to come later than you think it's going to.

“And now I travel to country and speak and do comedy and laugh and play music. I do all of it. I have a time in my life now, and it's a thousand times better because I'm anchored with somebody doing life together, but here's the thing.”

If that's not where you are right now, that's okay. Let her go, because what you want is all of it. Yeah, that's where I'm completed. I'm like, if I'm not at that point yet, I'm ready to call it settle down. Like, what if I get there in two years and now we're leaving her because that would have worked out. Like, I feel like the lot of pressure there. I just feel like it's too soon for me to be able to confidently know like, yeah, I want to spend the rest of my life with her and like this is the path I want to take in my life.

And I totally get the having a partner to be that winged on to your sales as you know, reach for your goals and she's very supportive. And I love her for that. We're not without our squabbles and fights and you know, I feel like we fight more than the average couple and I'm like, is this, you know, going to get better is just with, you know, if it stays like this is just worth it for the rest of my life. A lot of questions like that.

Here's the thing I'm hearing under all of your concerns and questions is what I think is one of the most damaging phrases in the English language.

And what you're leaving out is you and her get to co-create whatever world you'll want.

And if she has said, I am not interested in co-creating a world with you. I'm interested in marrying somebody who wants to live in my world. I will tell you, y'all should not get married. I said that. Okay, if you're saying that, I want to marry you, but I want you to live in my world in this town with my side hustles with my passions, my dreams. I would tell her, don't marry this guy. What you can be compromised on both sides and we'll compromise is a great wonderful, beautiful thing. Negotiation is a great important thing.

Co-version is not, nagging is not, dishonesty is not. Yeah, I guess I'm afraid of letting my dreams die. So, so walk with me. How do your dreams die?

“I don't get to do what I do as frequently. What is it that you do?”

Music production. So, producing and mixing recording. Okay, so you live in the burbs you can't go to town and people won't come out to see you. I mean, I could, it was going to be a lot harder. What does that mean? And I can take a lot more time. I'm not going to be able to easily bring clients into my place like I do now.

I'm going to show the, in the mecca of it all. Okay. So, I'm being provocative if you're okay. So let her go. Yeah, right. I'm like, if I let her go, how am I going to? Yes, you are.

I so hard to find someone better and like, better. That's that's totally relative and open everyone's gonna have. I know, I know, I know, I know what you're, I know what you're doing. Yeah, but like, more compatible. I think that comes to my mind a lot is like, she's not a creative, it doesn't have that creative drive.

It doesn't have like, you know, like big passions as she works towards, like she has hobbies, but like not like telling she's working towards, right?

Yeah, but you, you've never seen creativity and action till you've seen somebody who says I want to be a full-time mother.

That doesn't come with deeds, it doesn't come with clients. She would be a great mother.

“That's what I'm saying. Like, it's, it's, I'm not going to judge the word creativity in just this vein as an artist.”

Because I know some incredibly creative plumbers and some incredibly creative mothers and some incredibly creative coaches, right? That's a good way to look at it. And I am maniacally creative all over the place. My wife is creative in ways that are awesome. You know why? Our bills get paid. Right? Like, she makes sure our lights stay on.

It was a shock to me that they wanted to get paid every month for water, right? And so what some people see for, if you're a creative, they see a going all in on a relationship and putting the relationship ahead of my creativity.

Like, the most important thing to me on Planet Earth is this marriage.

Yeah. What they often miss is that it's not a ball in chain.

“It is a secure anchor point to now I can jump off even higher heights.”

Because I'm connected to something bigger than myself. Yeah, and that is hard for me to fathom, but I keep hearing that. I know, but listen, that goes in the other way. There are people who get connected. And that person is a ball in chain. You're going to live in my world now. You're giving up this stupid music stuff because you got kids.

Right? And so I don't know that I can't tell you the difference for you. I don't, I don't, I don't know you, I don't know you all. I don't know any of that kind of stuff. I don't know if you're just, if you're scared to commit or being you've had two years.

And you know, I love this person and just because I love her doesn't mean she's my forever person. Todd, yeah, there's so much there. I don't, I don't think she's balling chain person. We've worked a lot through that.

But lots of trials and tribulations. And my part of me is like, this place is supposed to be this much like hard work.

“Yes, I know, but like all these fights and all these like, what do you fight about?”

What do you fight about? I feel like I'm the typical decision of avoidance. She's the gang. She's a attachment. And I like my space meal to have my autonomy. And she wants, you know, to be able to spend this much time together and do things

and hurt the way that she thinks is right. Like we should do it this amount of time in this way. And when and she can feel like shut down and get very emotional if I disagree with her or something. And we've had a lot of work with that. And it has gotten better.

Like, you know, a year ago, I would be like, this is too much. But it's gone on the up to directory, but it's still like almost every week we're having one of these these kind of these arguments.

“So here's the only way I've seen long term relationships be really successful, okay?”

It is so counterintuitive and so countercultural and the internet will light me up for saying what I'm about to say, okay? It is a race to see who can out-serve the other. And I would, in my world, I would want my wife traveling with me to every show, being on the front row of every live event. I would want that. And that's an extraordinary amount of pressure because on the front row of every show everybody looks to my wife to see if she's laughing and she engaged.

She thinks it's funny.

And suddenly she's on a secondary spotlight that she never asked for.

And so I am racing to serve her in every way possible. Which is, I'm always going to say I would love you to be there. And I am not going to take personally, as even though I feel it, when she says, I'm going to sit this one out or the kids need to do this or I need to be home for this. Awesome. Because I honor and respect that.

And on the other side, she puts on the calendar, I'm going to go to this one. And I'm going to sit through and wait through my discomfort because I know how much it means to him. And it's a dance forever. And the moment we start saying, well, what about me and what about me? Is the moment we start keeping score, and that's the moment this thing starts to fall apart. And if you're not there, that's okay.

But choose reality here.

What does that mean in brass tax for you? Can you say out loud? Here's what I want.

I want to see you as often as I can. But Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are my music nights. And can she hear that? Not as rejection. But as my boyfriend's going to come home so fulfilled creatively and so whole that when I have him, it's going to be laser focused. Yeah, we have a lot of discussions about that.

And that's gotten better too. She gives me the time, so I send me to work for my music stuff. And I make sure when I'm done that, I spend whatever the free time of the night I have with her. Okay, is that time life giving? Is it fulfilling? Does it make you feel whole and able to go tackle the next day even greater?

“Or is it on a task list of things you need to do along with laundry and everything else?”

It's nice. It's comforting. She's a, she's a great comfort to me. And that's what the sex thing comes in, or I'm like, I don't want the energy to do that after this and that like this. And so what is sex is a part of it. Okay, but I think there's a much bigger picture here, which is am I creating a world or will I be interested in creating a world?

Where she and your marriage come first.

And for her, where you and your marriage come first. And we can put all the things sex drive differences, where we want to live differences.

And that means some of us are going to grieve things that we wanted it to be and it's not going to be that way,

“but the marriage is more important than that.”

And I don't get the sense that y'all are there yet. I'll tell you this, you're going to make a hit record. It's going to happen. You're going to make a hit record, and it's going to go big. Ask yourself when you're holding this hit record. You're going to celebrate with your boys, you're going to celebrate with her.

That's the question you'd ask yourself.

Because a few of your first thought is she's going to be my first call.

Then the record doesn't matter so much, because you found your person.

“If it's, I got this hit record, and I'm going out with the boys.”

Tonight we're going to burn this town down, I'll call her tomorrow. That's a good question. I mean, that's a good answer for you. None of this is easy, brother. Let's think in steps, not in feelings. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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“Alright Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?”

Alright, this is from Adam in Springfield, Virginia, and he writes.

On January 31st, my wife and I got our first pregnancy test positive after trying for almost a year.

About 10 days later on February 9th, my wife was experiencing bleeding and stomach pains. And it was confirmed by our doctor that she had miscarried. I've been watching your show for several months and your advice really helped me navigate this with her. We are buying a memorial box and we'll write letters to our angel. We have a healing journey ahead of us, but your advice I think puts us on the right track.

Thank you. It's awesome. I hate that they're going through there that together. Been through that, man. That's the worst. And good for you for heading into the healing.

It's awesome. Thank you for that note, brother. And my thoughts are with you and your wife. Love you guys, bye.