My Mistress Thinks I’m Cheating on Her

>> My life's been a little bit of a mess to be honest,

“of divorced wife and I'm currently living with the lady that I”

she did with on the second marriage and at the end of the day,

I know in sides that I don't, I don't love her. Do you try to heal this and make it work? [MUSIC] What's going on? This is John with Dr. John Deloni's show.

[MUSIC] Glad that you're here, whether you pull up a seat and you're going to be with us, trying to figure out what's the next right move, real people with real challenges. Going on in their lives, big ones, small ones, it's all kind of chaos out there.

“And so I'm trying to be a voice of calm in the madness and peel back all the insanity.”

And figure out what's the next right move. If I'd love to have you on the show, go to johndeloni.com/ask and we'll help you figure out what's the next right move. It's got to Richmond, Virginia. Let's talk to team Edward.

What's up Edward? >> Yes, sir. Thank you for having me, John. It's good to talk to you. >> YouTube, I'm going to protect you calling.

What's up? >> Yes, sir. Well, my life's been a little bit of a mess to be honest. And I agree with the details or whatever, but the voice twice, and I'm currently living with the lady that I she did with on the second marriage.

It's not been with her now for almost two years, and at the end of the day I know inside that I don't love her.

It's hard to put into words because I've never talked about this before.

>> Okay. Richard, you've been honest. >> I feel like my whole life's been a little bit of a struggle with alcohol and stuff to cope with. And I've never really formed a relationship like that I should have with my with the people I've been with. And I don't know at the moment, I don't know whether to end this and spend some time working on myself.

“Or is this a place where you've already destroyed two other people's lives in the past?”

Do you try to heal this and make it work or move on? >> Oh man, it's a pretty loaded question. >> Yes, sir. >> Here's a couple of things I'm here and you tell me, brother, you tell me, like hey, you're off on this one.

>> No, I think number one is feeling in love is a thing I'm never going to base any decisions on because that comes and goes.

Love is an action. It's a series of things I do and a series of things I receive, right? So yeah, you've been with somebody for two years, you don't feel in love right now. That's just kind of part of the deal. That doesn't mean it's over.

That's a Hollywood thing. >> Right, if you don't feel it, then it's over, that's not true. If you know this, like, let me explain, no, don't stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, that's disrespectful and dishonoring. >> Okay, if I could give you a little backstory on some of this, I was in my previous marriage for 14 years. Well, we were together 14 years, but we were only married for, like, five, I think, but I had been in an unhealthy place when I got into that relationship and a lot of just drinking and stuff led us together and, you know, spent, we got together, we lived together and all this.

Well, during that time, I was trying to work on myself and I found, I found healing through, through trail running, okay. And I started about seven years ago running, running, running and it seemed to clear my mind and it seemed like I was able to step away from some of the addictions and stuff that I had. And, you know, towards the end of the area even for two years, almost two years, I actually was over even, go completely sober, no alcohol and enough. So, the problem I found was that my partner that I was with at the time was unhealthy and not really into any of that stuff, and we grew apart because I didn't try to focus on bringing her, any of focus on her, I focused on me, you know, and even though I was finding that healing, our relationship was falling apart.

And I had so called friends that were telling me, hey man, you know, look at all you've done for yourself and, you know, your wife ain't a part of that, you know, you deserve better, you deserve this, you deserve that, and I let it get in my head.

And stuff, and it's like the one thing in my life that had kept me somewhat better was somewhat took away from me now, and I found myself going right back to the old habits of, well, I just go home and have a beer, you know what I mean, just, yeah, but I don't think that's how you quit running.

“Okay, I think you quit running because you don't respect yourself anymore. Yeah, you're right about that. And the only guys I've ever seen get sober and find alternative outlets for.”

Your demons for lack of better terms have high, they come to a place where they decide I'm worth living a different life.

Right. And in the process of you realizing I deserve to live a different life. You forgot the for what the reason I work out a lot the reason I try to keep myself in reasonable shape is so that my wife can anchor in my kids can anchor in my co-workers can anchor in. Right. And not so that I can whatever. So you over time, man, you found a great outlet, you started getting well. And instead of getting well so that you could be more present, be more stable, be more supportive, whatever, and sickness and and hell.

Yeah, like you said, you let those voices of your idiot friends get your head and you became somebody you did things that you as a man don't respect. And it's hard to look yourself in the mirror, it's hard to put those shoes back on and go running for a guy that you don't think's worth it.

“Yeah, and let's be honest, alcohol takes that away.”

The choice you have in front of you right now is not about her. It's about. Will you forgive the man who screwed up, who blew his life up and somebody else's life up, and will you choose to take the actions to become a man that you respect again. So that you can be a net positive to those in your home and your community and in your in the world around you. But that starts with you looking at the mirror and saying, I'm worth, I'm worth the fight because you know how hard it's going to be to get back in shape, you know it's going to be how hard it is.

To a campaign all that kind of stuff and alcohol just makes it go away for a minute. Yeah, it does. I'm telling you right now, if you are my friend, I would have showed up at your door and said don't do what you're about to do. Right, okay, and I'm going to tell you, it's over, you've done it. I'm going to, I would show up to your house now and tell you, hey, put your shoes back on your worth running for again.

Right, right. Yeah, how do I. How do I put all my shoes and go run again when the person I'm with is.

Like basically if if if you do it without me, then you're probably out here cheating on me kind of attitude.

Well, she has a lived experience. Yes, that's true. She's not crazy. And so the the question for you is, I need you to put a path back to trust. Okay, because we met through an affair. Go.

And if she says, I will never be able to trust you.

If you're gone on these long marathon runs with these other community, then you have a choice to make. Am I going to walk this path and find other outlets? I know that I found one that I didn't see coming in that was trail running of all things. I'm going to go find another one because she's worth that. Right.

We are worth that. Or I'm going to go ahead and call it because trail running is my one thing. Right.

“And then you have to be a grown man and own that decision.”

I understand. But it's asking her because because normally what happens is when people get together and that we're like an affair.

Oh, I'm right. And so all the way to make it work is to have an ironclad path towards trust. Because we both started in a lie.

And so that just like all relationships, the core foundation, the reason I always tell people you got to see him and know him and celebrate him.

Those are things to do to build trust. Right. So sitting down and ask, otherwise, what happens is most of the time that that finish line just moves all the time. Okay. And you can never, she'll never trust you.

Okay. There's nothing, there's not a thing you can do right without a plan. You get what I'm saying with that intention now. I do. Yes.

“My guess is she's is slowly moved and moved and moved. Is that fair?”

Yes. Okay. Another thing I'll tell you is people often say, I don't trust you. I don't trust you. It's often the only words that people have for the gap they feel when there's distance, even though people are standing right next to each other.

Okay. What I mean by that is you all can be sitting on the couch and she knows you're not into her. And the only assumption is he must have somebody else. Right. Right.

It might be you with your own demons. It might be when you drink alcohol, your body just vortexes away from you, right? And that's why it feels good to drink. But she's sitting right next to you on the couch and she's grasping at ghosts. Yeah. She feels you, but you're not there.

Yep.

And the only logical thing she has in her head is always cheating again.

Yeah. If I just pick up my phone for a second, she's like, who are you texting? Right. But that tells me that she doesn't have you. She has a shell.

Probably true. That's probably true. I feel like I've never worked on myself to agree and I've always just. I don't think that. No, it's not that.

I don't think you've ever gone all in. Well, that's a good way to put it. Yeah. You have to put both feet in the boat. And she's not going to go out to heart.

She's not going to leave the bay and go out into the wild ocean.

“That's why she's still got the whole thing anchored to the dock.”

Because you're not all the way in the boat, yeah. Okay. And you got to decide, I'm going to put both feet in this thing and look at her and say, You know what? You might be able to hurt me.

Okay. And then she's got to say, yeah. And you, I know for a fact, you have the capacity to hurt people badly. And so you might hurt me. And we both have to decide we're going to put both feet in this boat and come up with a really intentional plan.

So that we know without a shadow of a doubt that we're both in the boat at all times. Okay. And I personally don't think it means you have to give up running. Sure. I guess it sounds symptomatic to me.

Okay. It sounds like she is grasping for things to try to reconnect with you. Okay. That makes sense. It really does.

So I got to work on myself. I don't think that's where we start. I think we start with, you look into the mirror and say, I'm worth the work. And the work number one is. Yeah.

Am I going to put both feet in the boat of this relationship or on my out? You get to decide. And then yes, you've got work on yourself to do. All right. Getting back in shape.

Getting so we're getting with an A group. You've got to get a group of men around you that will hold you accountable. All that kind of stuff is true. You've been on that road before you know it. And in fact, you might not have been on the in with an accountability group.

And if you haven't, you've been a white knuckle in this whole thing. Trail running in a way is literally running away from that problem. At some point, you're going to have to face the music and be emotionally vulnerable with a group of people. So I, I just want such a huge fan of A.

I know some people don't like it.

“But that's why I'm such a huge fan of group programs like that.”

And you look at her and say, I haven't never been fully in this boat.

And I'm getting both feet in the boat. And here's what I need from you to earn trust. And I'm going to ask you to give me a path to trust for you. And if it's about your phone, cool, you can see it. I don't care.

If it's about whatever, cool. But we're going to make that path or we're going to go our separate ways. But here me say this, brother. Yeah, you messed up big. You messed up big.

And there's a peer to the end of that sentence. And now you get to choose right now. Who you're going to be and what you're going to do next. And that starts with you looking at the mirror and saying, I'm worth the work. I'm worth what happens next.

And I for one believe that you are. Thanks for the call. I'll call anytime. And I'll sit with you. This is literally what I mean when I say go do the next right thing.

We come back. A woman asks me to settle a debate between her and her husband over infant circumcision.

Hey, what's up? It's Deloni.

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You're worth it. Go check 'em out. Let's go to Rochester, Minnesota, and talk to Kate. Hey, Kate, what's up? Hi, Dr. Down. Thank you for talking to me today.

Of course, thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi, so I guess my question is, My husband and I want to have more kids. And you find ourselves on opposite sides of something that feels like a deeply-held value to both of us.

Okay. And so we're wondering, I'm wondering if there's some perspective you can help do that. Maybe I haven't been able to... ...to look at myself or how we can resolve this between us and move forward together. Yeah, it sounds like it's distressing.

Yes. Wow, okay. So do you all have kids already? Yes. How old are your kids now?

Oh, they're two and four. Two and four, okay. Both girls. Okay. And, well, we're disagreeing on routine infant circumcision.

Okay. And so we're trying to plan to have more kids with people's lawn. We both came from big families. I don't know, you know, there's no compromise. There's no middle ground on this issue.

So we either do it or we don't, there's no, there's no someone gives a little bit. Another person gives a little bit. And we find the middle ground. So let me back out again.

So you're talking about if we have a third kid.

If we roll the dice again and we have a little boy, one of you wants to circumcise this little boy and one of you does not. Right? Correct.

“Where was this argument or this deep seeded challenge with child one and child two?”

Well, with child one, it wasn't something we had talked about ahead of time. Like I go back and think like nobody, when you're dating someone, thinking about getting married. Yeah, no kid. Can you tell that we can circumcise our kids? Yeah, that's not in the checklist.

Yeah, so when we came home from an apartment with the middle, I felt like I don't know, like maybe 25-ish weeks of pregnancy somewhere on there was when the midwife asked what our plans were for.

I think maybe we both knew but we hadn't had a discussion about it before then.

“And so the remainder of the pregnancy was pretty hard because we were on opposite side of this issue.”

But once our daughter was born, we didn't have to face it with her anymore.

And then with our second, let's be our first girl was just over a year old when we decided that, you know, we were both feeling ready for another.

And you kind of, you kind of let that big question go in the excitement of, yeah, that's having another date. You can then once I was pregnant, I didn't sleep. So stress the whole time. Where are you on the side of the issue? I'm completely opposed to circumcision.

Okay, you're opposed to it and he is adamant about it. Okay. So tell me about your. I don't want to take it away from this main issue and we'll get back to this main issue, okay. But being pregnant with kid number two and let me ask it this way and the most direct way I can.

If we were had a couple hours together, I would, I would get more information here and we just talk a little more gently. I'm going to be pretty, pretty abrupt, okay. Is there a possibility that the angst of the world, the angst of your life, the angst within your chest, the angst of any number of things, has somehow landed on this particular issue as.

I always called the anxiety for me always felt like a flywheel and it would pick up a thing.

I don't know, I don't think it was a compilation of other things.

“I think this is an issue and we do not see eye to eye on that.”

Okay. So tell me about, tell me about your, your, I mean, this is so deep. I mean, this is so deep for you. I mean, it's bringing up the thought of it is bringing tears. I mean, it's bringing up deep emotions.

Tell me about where that comes from.

Yeah, I mean, well, because I come from a big family.

My husband does as well. So the idea of giving up having more kids and being done. That's the one I'm asking. The fact that you would not see through your dream of having a big family that strangely enough is shared with your husband. The fact that you would give all that up over this issue.

“Oh, yeah, because I think I think circumstances inherently harmful to babies and I won't want to have a baby knowing he's going to be harmed.”

Okay, so tell me about where that belief comes from. Well, you know, and when a baby is born, they're here looking for safety and comfort from their mom. And to literally cut off that piece of genitals on the day they're born or the next day, it seems absolutely barbaric to me. Oh, nobody in my family and my immediate family. I didn't have a lot of brothers and I changed diapers right now.

I know my brothers are not circumcised. I've run in my husband's extended family is. And so it's just like crazy issue that we're on absolute opposite sides of. He's like, I've run grew up just fine. It's not that big. And I think it's I think it's a terrible practice culturally.

And I don't think anyone should be doing it, but from my own child, I don't know how to consent for that procedure. Okay. Is there any. So whenever I'm talking to somebody in their mind, the door is closed to a conference to to to light getting in the door.

I'll I'll take a separate track. But I do feel like I need to challenge the difference in cutting off genitals versus cutting off skin. Skin, the skin that is meant to protect the genitals. Okay. I want to just one is you're right. One is a cultural practice.

One is just kind of an, I don't know what to say other than it just as an is. And the other is like to conflating those two things.

There's a door that is shut.

“I guess the only path forward for you is an exhale and a making peace with.”

This is such a value to me that I'm willing to give up all of this other stuff. And I would say the same thing your husband on the phone. This is like I'm drawing the line in the sand so firm here that it's going to cost me. And all boundaries cost us. That I'm going to go through a grieving process.

I'm going to be super sad that I had this picture of my life with five, six, seven kids running around, having fun. But my value line stops here and I'm going to be really grateful for my two daughters. And I'm going to find joy and peace inside this boundary that I've drawn so firmly in the dirt.

Because it's an any other choice is a choice to just continue to be miserable and angry.

And that harms you that harms you. Marriage that harms your kids. Yeah, I think I've been circling around that for a while. But yeah, I guess I'm just going to commit to that being the path. That's not what I had imagined.

And as he is firm on that one as you are that as he is firm as if I have a son. I've been in enough locker rooms. I've been through my life. What's wrong with me? And I imagine he's taking this very personally if he is circumcised like.

What is so bad about me and all my brothers and what is this thing about my family that you think.

“That's why like this becomes a much bigger issue than just this one little thing.”

That's why you're not on either. This this would be a very unique situation that this is the one issue that these things aren't showing up in other places in your marriage. Yeah, and and it is it's an isolated issue. He's a fantastic husband wonderful father. We have a good relationship.

So anytime I am faced with a deeply, deeply hell value of which I've got several. I'll I'll tell you the way I've chosen to live my life. You don't have to choose to do it this way. I'm just telling you what I've done in my own life. Like my advice in this situation is pretty pretty thin.

I don't have a lot of great advice for you. But I'll tell you what I do.

Always make the assumption or I always lead within assumption that I might be wrong.

And so when I have a deeply hell value on something. And somebody that I love and care about is on the other side of the issue, whether it's religion, politics, policy, anything like that. Cultural issues. I always sit down with this question. Could I be wrong here?

Teach me. And not in a so I can win an argument. Not so I can bury you. That's not the point. The point is I'm about to make a major left or right turn in my life.

And I at least want the option to not look back when I'm 40 and go, "Oh my gosh, I blew it on this." And so that's the only other thing I can tell you. If you've done that, if you've really tried to say, "Okay, what's the other side of this?"

“Have I talked to physicians who do this kind of thing and listen to their argument?”

Do I have I sat with people who haven't had this and wish they had like whatever? Have I done the work to say, "Ask a question, could I be, is there another perspective on this?" Other than this simply just is period. And if you have and you're like, "Great, I've heard the other side, I've sat with folks, I've listened to their arguments, and I am further entrenched." Then the only other choice is to make peace with the wall that you've built for yourself.

Yeah, I think I really think I have listened as carefully as I can and considered each perspective I could come across And for sure, listen respectfully to my husband and try to understand why, or if I could give this up and come around to his side. But I keep coming back to that it's something that if a boy really wants it, he can have it done later. But once you do it, you can't do it. And so if child grows up and wants to make that decision for themselves,

Okay.

“Then I think your next option there is to exhale with your husband and say, "This is the, this, we're at an impasse here."”

And so this is the world we're co-creating.

And let's be over the moon all about our two daughters. And let's build the best marriage we can on the back of this grief that we thought our life was going to look like this and now it's going to look like this. And what makes this especially challenging for both of you is, this is usually a conversation I have with somebody who loses a child or who is like, "Who life has done this to them? This would be a little more complicated because y'all are choosing this together." Yes, that's when we not a choice ever saw as changing such as the trajectory of my life.

Right. In the fact that you can hold your husband's aside with dignity, I appreciate.

Like it sounds like you're not just bashing him. He's just good man. He's just said, "I'm pretty firm on this when I have a lived experience of this, this side of this issue."

And my family has a lived experience. My culture has a lived experience of this side of this issue. What's your brothers' opinions? I haven't directly spoken to any of them. I would ask them, issue. Ask them.

I don't know how that would feel to ask. I don't know how that would feel to ask. I don't know how it would feel to ask.

I don't know how it would feel to ask.

I don't know how it would feel to ask. I don't know how it would feel to ask. I don't know how it would feel to ask. It's our family, it would be our decision. I think there's truth to that. I think there's power in coming to this decision.

But also, and you can tell me from wrong, I hear an underlying current that you're going to start asking yourself, do you want to stay in this marriage? No, I don't think that's the factor. It's not like, it's not pervasive, it's not like controlling me telling me I can't ask advice and things like that. I'm just talking about, if you look up in six years and you have your two daughters and they're getting older, you both look at each other and start to resent each other if you're not careful. Yeah, that's something that I am kind of like long term moving forward, I guess I mentioned regret, but if we have to go one way or the other.

Or no one. We not let it affect our future in a negative way. Well, you both just say we made the choice, but that's where I would be interested in somebody's lived experience.

“That's why the physicians who do this surgery, I'd want to know, hey, this looks barbaric and evil and awful to me.”

Can you walk me through what actually happens here? Can you walk me through pain threshold, repair, clear all that kind of stuff? I remember, and again, this doesn't equate in any way shape from a fashion, okay? I remember seeing the inbilical cord caught in heel and it looked so gnarly. It looked catastrophic.

And I couldn't imagine if that was not the most painful thing in the whole wide world ever, ever, ever. But the look of what I was looking at wasn't accurate. Right, there's no nerve endings in an inbilical cord. Okay, so again, I didn't know that.

“I just looking at this thing going, oh my gosh, this has to be the worst thing, and it wasn't, I was wrong.”

And so I would want to get lived experience from a physician. I'd want to get lived experiences of guys who you have a lived experience of a husband who's pretty firmly committed to. No, no, I, this is a big deal to me. But you also have an opportunity to talk to your brothers. And so I wouldn't, I would, I would do that in concert with your husband.

I'm going to try to learn some more. And I'm going to ask some guys that I know who happened to be adults who weren't circumcised. Like, hey, what's your opinion on this matter? Like, that'd be worth asking them. They've have the lived experience.

I always want to go as close to a source as possible when I'm trying to figure out values.

But yeah, if this is an impasse, and it's not, we're choosing one or the other. We're choosing neither. Then we're going to agree that we're going to be super sad because we had a different picture for our life. And then we're going to go be about making joy inside of the boundaries we've co-created together. Because any other choice is a choice to be resentful, be angry, be bitter,

and I refuse to do that to live a whole life like that.

“Life is hard enough with external stuff coming our way.”

So the choice is I make in my life, in the middle, the jobs I didn't take, the things I didn't do, the houses I didn't buy, whatever. I am going to choose that put a period into that sentence. Grieve it, be really sad, and then get on about my life. And that's really hard to do. But I think that's our call as parents, as partners, as just citizens.

Just the next right move. Or I find joy in whatever place I found myself, especially when it's a place of my own choosing. I just look call sister, it's a complicated issue, and I appreciate you being honest and sitting with me. Let me sit with you. Let me know what y'all decide to do.

I'm kind of invested in this now, I'm interested in what happens next. So make sure you let us know how it's going, and we'll be thinking about you. We come back, a man asks how much should he involve his kids on a upcoming move. A joke all the time that I hate being a line, but I'm not joking.

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Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off an annual plan. That's joindeleteme.com/deloney. All right, let's go to North Carolina and talk to Andrew. What's up Andrew? Hey, doesn't John, how are you?

I'm good brother, how are you, man? I'm doing well. Thank you. I'm trying to prepare for this storm coming in. Dude, we're still sitting on top of us, and it is a doozy.

It's a doozy. What's up with you? So my question is, I'll just get straight to the point, is how much should I involve my kids in this decision to move?

“They're a little bit older, so that's why I'm a bit of a crossroads with it.”

They're 16 and 13. Tell me about the move. So I'm getting ready to retire from the military and to summer and kind of looking at what's going to be next. The kids are in high school. We've moved quite a bit of nine times in about 13 years or something that affect.

And so we told them whenever we got here, this was kind of going to be it. We're going to stick around in North Carolina for a while. But quite frankly, I don't care for her here, but I don't care for her here, but I don't care for her here. And so we have this opportunity to come in up to look to relocate. But kids being the ages that they are, it just seems a bit unfair to them.

And so that's the back and forth that I have in my head. We said this was going to be stable for you. However, your mom and I are miserable here, so. Well, how old are they? I think a little 16 and 13. Okay. All right.

And what's this new opportunity? Where is it? It's not necessarily a setting stone yet. It's just, I don't see finding a job in this area because it's a bit smaller. And so we're looking for somewhere looking at you in another state. So one.

You and your wife have to be connected and decide where y'all are going to be and what kind of life you want to have.

Right? And so a miserable, grouchy, grumpy, purposeless. Mom and dad is not a healthy home for two kids, right? You know that. And stability, that's important too.

“And so I think the challenge for you, you gave your life to public service, which is extraordinary.”

And with that commitment came a lot of moves, a lot of reassigned all the time, which meant a lot of new schools, which meant a lot of your wife finding new grocery stores, all that kind of stuff, right? You've been through all that. And so the question your wife have to ask is where does stability exist when my kids have moved so many times? And that stability has to be found anchored into YouTube and to your love and commitment to them. Meaning wherever we live, we are. You go to what I'm saying.

And so I guess it's a balance of if you told them hey, this is it we're never going to move again.

We promise we're not going to move until high school.

“And then suddenly you have an opportunity in another place, then y'all are going to have to sit down and say we told you something and we were wrong.”

We should not have said what we said. And then they get to be sad and upset and y'all are liars and you're mean and because they're kids. They're teenagers and that's that's part of the deal. What you've learned here is I'm not going to make next year or year after that or year after that promises.

Because I don't know what the world holds.

I will tell my kids I promise we're going to do the best we can to stay here. I or be even better yet. We have to move again. We got we got reassigned again and this is the worst. And I'll just sit here in this discomfort with you and I'm not going to try to take away the discomfort by making a promise like this is the last move you get I'm saying so you can tell him we learn this lesson. I spoke with absolutes and I shouldn't have and I'm sorry guys and by teaching them that their dad says the words I was wrong. I'm sorry teaches them wisdom teaches them strength teaches them accountability ownership whatever you call it and that's a powerful powerful lesson.

I suppose I just I feel selfish on my end and that's maybe where it's coming from because if you don't have a job that's not selfish. If you have a good job and you just like aren't fulfilled or aren't following your passion and it's selfish. Minners supposed to go do hard things and support their families right. And so if you don't have a job that's not selfish. I mean I guess the could I find something in this area right.

What I enjoy probably not but could I find something as it's sure you know I'm saying like it's I don't want to again speak in absolutely it's like you say but it's it's not going to be anything. But you know it aligns with what I've been doing in the military now that it has to but it doesn't that I'm really experiencing it that makes any sense and point being like it you know I could find something sure but.

“And that gives some stability but then that just I think if it like my god so there is you know my my oldest will be going into Virginia year.”

And then my youngest is still in in what seventh grade so I'm just thinking my head my god that is another five or six years here. And it or it's to. Well yeah I mean right it's we're going to get her through her senior year right as your young one is going into high school and that's we're going to move. Well she's got it's heard she did not get early college so it's three more years for her really. So they just come that weird.

Yeah I mean here's a deal it's it's all weird what I hear like underneath all of this is you're not going to anything you're just running. And what I'll tell you is like you may have heard me say this before but the worst part about whatever new job you take after the military and wherever you live is that you're going to go with you. And so if you have that internal I don't know who I am I don't know what I'm going to do and I'll like myself I'm tired I'm all those things that those are going to end up at whatever state town job you go to.

Already deciding I'm going to hate whatever job I get here. I mean that's a bowl that's a bold prediction or that's that's an interest that's a choice to frame what happens next in a certain way before it even happens.

And I had somebody that I care about love challenge me and say and I quote what kind of dad do you think you are.

End quote because my son moved a lot between grad schools and my taking different jobs etc he moved a lot. And I've got a deep my son moved more by the time he was five then I didn't up until I was thirty something. He's a very different childhood and I have forty plus year friendships because I lived on the same street grown up.

“He doesn't have that and he has an ability to walk in a room and genuinely be happy to meet any number of people because that's how he's had to adapt to his life.”

I don't have that he does. You know what I'm saying? No you understand and and I do give a point about you know it. You fall into this habit sometimes when you get some place and you look around all the factors like I don't like it here. I don't want to be here is not what I thought it was going to be or where is the next thing where it's the next thing.

And you know it you never really get to be in you know be with yourself.

And so I mean that's kind of where my head's that feeling some ways because it's like well you know it. But finally we lived in X town and in this house with with this you know job or what have you been in everything but I understand it won't. But I guess it should like I said it. Maybe there's a lot of little slither of hope if you will sure.

“And there is some truth sometimes going to a new house in a new community makes all the difference.”

Sometimes being in a job that is aligned perfectly magically happens and it's awesome. It I mean it really is anyone who tells you otherwise it's not.

I drove a truck that I was always worried about falling apart until I finally got a new one and I'm not going to lie it's awesome.

It starts every time I turn it on right. It's like it's so that's cool. It is it actually is. But if I had hoped that that new truck or that new house or the new place was going to suddenly make me look in the mirror and be like ah that's not going to happen. The two things I always tell kids number one, but this is my kids and this is what I recommend anybody. Never ever robbed them of the beauty and the wisdom lesson of saying I was wrong or things have changed. Or like circumstances have changed.

That will be an incredible gift from their father.

“The next thing is I never put the full burden on them.”

Meaning, hey, I'm about to get out of the military. It's looking like things are changing yet again and I made y'all a promise. I want to hear directly from you, but know this, your mom and I are going to make the final decision. Because if kids think that their dad is miserable because they want to stay in high school they can't carry that weight of your emotional health. And if they think they're in charge of where the family lives, they can't carry that weight either.

And so letting them know, I want to hear you, but your mom and I are making the final call. Okay, is a gift and they're going to be mad and frustrated because I'm 16. I know everything they don't, but it feels like they're going to be mad. Lots of big emotions, all that's normal. But giving them permission to be heard and then not letting them know for sure you don't hold the final card here.

I do, your mom does is a gift. I just want you to be sure you're going to something, not running from something. How long have you been in service? Just about 20 years. Okay, here are a couple of months.

And my experience sitting with veterans in my whole career, that's hard. Being told where to live, what to do, where to go, all that kind of stuff for 20 years and suddenly being released to the wild. That's a, that's a hard thing. Is that fair? There's, you know, that, that I said, I'm sure, you know, there's a lot of them certainty just, you know.

Transition wise for me just because I got, you know, later on my career, some injuries and everything. So that's right. And so be honest and open about those fears. Am I going to still have utility out in the world?

And it's, it's simply a skill that I'm going to work on because I haven't had that, that's a skill that's atrophy because I outsource that to this unit for 20 years.

“I'm not this unit, but to this right, to this career for 20 years.”

And so cool, I've got to learn some new skills and getting under that new squat rack, it's going to be hard. I'm going to hurt my knees. I'm going to hurt and by the way, I've got some injuries in both of those things and so like, you got to stand for me. It's when my buddies who are veterans and the people I've sat with, when they're not honest about, hey, this is scary. And I see all these other civilians doing it.

And it should be easy. I've done all these other hard things. It's just a skill, right? It's like football players trying to play basketball sometimes. It looks hilarious.

This is different skill.

They're not great athletes and they're not really amazing at what they did.

It's just this is different now. And so I'm going to be honest about all of it.

“But you spending some time digging into where do I want to go and who do I want to be and asking your wife who do we want to be now that we are making all of the decisions for us.”

Getting unity and alignment on that and anchoring into that. That's priority number one. And not going into every situation. Just assuming it's going to be the worst ever. I'm going to hate it and I'm not going to like it. Maybe, but maybe not.

Instead of saying, I am going to go make the best opportunity here. I'm going to go do this stuff. I'm going to work this hard job so that my kids get to. You get to make all those choices. But we're not going to chase feelings.

We're going to chase. What's the next right move? I'm really honored for your call brother. Thanks for your service. Thanks for being with us and thanks for trusting me with like how to have these conversations.

I'm calling anytime. I'll walk with you anytime, brother. It's an honor. Bring them along, but don't make them carry the weight. Kids cannot carry that weight. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by Better Health.

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I would like you to spend a couple minutes talking about the new app. Okay. And it's kind of telling us instead of it being like, "Here's all the talking points and why we should sell it." Like, I know we're both getting hit up like, "Hey, commercials." Yeah, exactly. But I want people to hear why you created it, why it's been such a passion project for you.

Because this has been a long time in the making for those that aren't on the side of it that know. And I know how hard you worked on it and the meetings were in and just all that's involved with it. But instead of marketing it, yeah. Tell us why you created it and what you're more importantly than why you created it. What you're hope is for people that use it.

“I think the most important thing people need to know is I fought against the thing for over a year.”

I didn't want to, I just, I don't use a lot of apps. I don't like going to apps for stuff. I fought and fought and fought over it. And when I saw what the, just a small team of developers that have been working on this thing,

side by side with me for a long time, when I saw what they're putting out, I thought, "Okay, this is going to be a game changer."

At the end of the day, what I'm hearing across the country, private conversations, big conversations from stage and personal and people's homes, is I want to have a good or great marriage. And I, I met a point now, I don't know what to do next. They won't do X-Y-RZ. I don't want to do X-Y-RZ. We've lost that love and feel. And the spark is gone. The all of those things, and then quite honestly underneath that,

And, quite honestly, there's been a little snapshot in history where they didn't have to.

And they thought, I'm going to go chase this other things instead of co-creating a life of somebody with a writer die. And so I say all those things on the show, like, you got to pick a writer die, and you're going to be in this together, and you're going to co-create values and all that stuff.

“And the most common criticism I get back is cool. That sounds great. How do I do that?”

And so what this app is, is us just taking it all the way to the very, very bottom. How do I know what's the next right thing? And what this app does is it text you. It learns you over time, but it asks what you're struggling with. Work, work, life balance, which is a mental load, romance, loss of love and feeling like, what path do you want? And it will walk with you and give you an action step or two to do every day.

And it literally will just pop up on your phone and say, go do this. And I want people to stop thinking everything through all of the time, which sounds counterintuitive. We've got to start acting our way towards the lives we want. And I just, if I've heard it so much of the last four, five years, I don't know what to do it on to do. That's this app. I got you. It's a micro habits for your marriage.

Okay, explain that word because in a lot of the marketing that we're saying around the building is micro habits. If anyone's seeing any of the ads, you'll see that word micro habits explain that place. When it comes to fitness, people are like, I'm going to lose 150 pounds. That's a great goal.

“What does that actually mean and how do we do that?”

And the data tells us that most people have a goal like that and they never see it through.

A micro habit is taking this end goal. I want to have a great marriage. All right, so I'm going to get chocolates and I'm going to do the dishes every night. And I'm always going to want to have sex and it's impossible. You can't, it's not how it works. You're trying to start from the fireworks showback, right? So a micro habit is, what is a small action step?

I can take on a regular basis that begins to shift how I see and know and celebrate my spouse. And so instead of being like, I don't know what's, you'll get an ill pop up on your phone. I don't care how mad you are. I don't care how annoyed you are, whatever. Go make her favorite cup of coffee and go put it by her bed before she wakes up. Exactly how she likes it. If you don't know how she likes it then you don't know your wife go find that out.

And or do one chore that's not normally yours. Or write one sticky note and go outside and start its car form in the cold and put it on his dashboard. Like it's a small little steps over time and they're just micro habits.

“And what happens is like James Clear talks about when you want to, if you want to get in shape,”

spend a week or two, just drive to the gym and sit in the parking lot for a minute or two in the drive home. We're going to, that's a micro habit towards changing your actions, which is a wake up and I go to the gym. And then exercise, go get on one treadmill for one minute and then get off. That's what we're headed towards. We are just coaching folks on here's the next right step in your marriage. And so it's breaking it down as small as possible to make him bite size and actionable.

And the feedback we've got on this app, we've been testing it for forever.

It's just extraordinary. It's pretty amazing. So I'm excited about it.

And the app in a nutshell, this is May in a nutshell. What's that from? Yeah. Oh, it's ours. Help. I've been a nutshell. Man, that quote came, I don't know where that quote came from. But yeah, go check it out. You can download it in the app store, search together in the app store. And yes, Android folks, I get it, we're coming for you.

Just take about 30% off, maybe 40% off. But if you got an iPhone, go check it out in the app store. Love you guys. Bye. (upbeat music)