My Wife’s Sex Drive Intimidates Me

It's all great. Everything's great. But it isn't adjustment. I am her first, but she is not mine.

“Her sex drive is through the roof, which is great, but I'm not always on.”

I'm trying to think of a way I could say this, and not so like such a nerd. Hey, hey, hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show. Real person taking calls from real people, going through real stuff in their lives.

From all over the world, Colin and here, I'm in Nashville, Tennessee, and here's what we're

going to do. We're going to pull up a seat and figure out what's the next right move with your marriage, with your relationships, with your sex life, with your dating, whatever you got going on in your life. You want to be on this show, go to johndeloni.com/askask.

Let's go out to the 512, it's got to Austin, and talk to William. Hey, William, what's up, brother? Hey, can you hear me, Doc? Yeah, what's up, dude? Not much.

Just had a question for you. So I recently got married, I'm under two months, we're both in our early 40s. First man. First marriage for both of us. Yes.

Dude, congrats, man. Thank you. Appreciate it. Actually, you haven't asked your question yet. I hope this is a congrats.

This is a congrats. No, no. It's all great. Everything's great. But it isn't adjustment for both of us.

Yeah. You're, every bit of your life as you knew it is over now. Absolutely. Yeah. But in a good way.

Yeah. But there is a question that I had. So I am her first, but she is not mine. Okay. You know, unfortunately, just talking about it.

Correct. Yes, sir. All right. And so since then, her sex drive is through the roof. Which is great.

But it's like, you know, I'm not always on at every moment.

I don't know how to like make sure I'm meeting her needs when it's like, man, I just, you know, got home from work and I just want to kind of, you know, chill out for a little bit or hey, I'm not, you know, in the mood just because it's been a long day or anything like that. It's there in my, is that we're wrong, you know, I mean, no, every guy listening is banging

their dashboard right now, but no, no, no, no. Like so, um, do there's, there's so many myths around sex and especially myths around Mary sex. Okay. The big one says, um, guys wanted all the time, women never wanted.

And there is a psychological disorientation when you find out that's not true. Yeah. And everybody's got different sex needs. Um, the sex drive is a myth. I don't like that.

Emily Nagoski did a great job kind of pulling that apart. Um, I'm trying to think of a way I could say this and not sound like such a nerd. Um, there's, there's, there's, there's nerd words for it, but basically some people have responsive sex drives, meaning they don't think about it all day. Um, but when they're, when, when the ball gets rolling, when they head down that

rapath, right?

They're always glad that they're had sex.

They're glad that they're having sex. They're in a safe relationship, right? Yeah. Yeah. And they're, they're never been a time that they finished having sex and they're like,

or maybe never, but most of the time they don't finish and be like, I wish I hadn't had done that.

“But they weren't thinking about it all day 24/7, 365, right?”

Yeah. They're reactive. They're responsive desire. Another kind of desire is more, I'm trying to think of a, like a not nerd word. Like it's, it's activated, right?

You could, like, see a corner, a tiny little piece of a bra strap. And you're like, yeah, I would write right now, right? Now, right? Or you have one thought or one memory or one, and it is. I'll write now.

Gramell's house don't care. Um, we're at a restaurant. Let's go out in the car. I don't care. Like, it's just always on.

And I'm over generalizing this. But those two people tend to find each other, right? And our culture has told us that one is right and one is wrong. And that's nonsense. Okay.

“So I think what you're experiencing right now is, um, and I'm glad you're experiencing”

this two months in is we need to talk about these things. And often couples don't have, there's nothing in our culture that teaches us how to

dramatically fast.

But how do we talk about what we want?

And how do we talk about what feels good?

“And how do we talk about, hey, how do I say not right now or not tonight?”

And it not spin you up, right? Absolutely. Because it's like, I don't want to crush, you know, her desire by any means. I also, I don't want to just be like rabbits. I want it to be, you know, impactful and meaningful when we do have it.

But I do want the ones where it's just like, hey, I'm in the mood right now. Yeah, but do it. And I think I think it's taking, taking the existential pressure off. Because there's a time in a place for romantic love making. And there's a time in a place for, hey, I got seven minutes.

You got seven minutes you in. Right. And then there's a time, if you're in a safe and, and this is controversial. And I'm really glad you called nothing else in our culture. Nothing.

Do we say, I don't feel like, like, so take nutrition. I don't feel like eating healthy. Okay. I don't feel like exercising. Okay.

I don't feel like sleeping regularly. Okay. I don't feel like going to work. All those, those examples, right? Name any other thing.

“None of, I don't feel like paying my bills.”

I don't feel like paying taxes. None of those things would we say, you know what your feelings should lead the show here. And so there is a time in a place. And I have to be careful about this because idiots will weaponize this. There is a time in a place for, I don't feel like it right this moment.

But I know when I get going. I'm going to be glad we're doing this. And so sometimes it's about being generous and being kind. And I don't feel like it's super much, but you're super into it. And I love making you happy.

So let's party. Right. And sometimes there is not tonight. And so have y'all, like this sounds so dramatic. And I'm saying this was smile on my face, right?

And by the way, I just got done with a big marriage or treat. There was 1200 people up here from all over the country. Actually, over the world here in Nashville. And I realized when I was speaking from stage, people can see me in my body.

And they realized that I laugh a lot. And I know this so it.

“And when I say, like, you need to have this conversation.”

Somehow it comes across on the show. Oh, it's all my fault. But that every conversation is this big serious thing. Right. So I'm not suggesting that at all.

But two weeks in, you're her first.

You all have never been married before.

How fun would it be in insightful would it be to have a sex state of the union? Right. And I'm imagining it's being fun. All right. You're a few weeks in.

I'm a few weeks in. What do you like? What do you not like? What do you into? What do you want to try?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've had healthy conversations on it. Okay. It's just a matter of like, what is it about her response that makes you feel like you're crashing her? Um, it's not necessarily like her response.

It's, um, you know, it's just kind of like,

she'll just, you know, be real like always giving me the, you know,

the, you know, the sexy eyes or, you know, trying to touch me in a way that it's not necessarily just saying like, hey, I want to have sex. It could just be, hey, I want to cuddle. And, um, you know, and it's like, I'm, I'm already like, in, you know, going to bed mode, you know,

or, um, you know, it's just that our timing just being feeling off. Um, can I tell you, you're not broken and she's not either. You're relationships not doomed. This is a normal part of joining lives with somebody. And just navigating the ride of figuring out each other's rhythms and schedules

and things and all that. I know couples who say, who have said like, if it's going to happen, it's got to start before nine. Huh. And I know couples who have said, let's put it on the calendar,

so that I can think about it all day and make sure I'm not coming home with a head full of meetings and emails and whatever, I want to be all in on you. I know what, I know one couple right now that has sex on the calendar twice a week. And one is wheels off and one is they call it, um,

BMS, boring Mary sex. Right. But they put it on the calendar. Yeah. And if they're starting boring Mary sex and it turns into wheels off great,

but they know, no candles, no special lighting, no exotic music.

We value connection.

“We know our marriage is we like each other more over time when we're having more sex.”

And the situation with our lives right now, kids, jobs, whatever, is its chaotic.

So we prioritize this so much we're going to put it on the calendar, which Hollywood has said means your relationship is doomed. It's over, et cetera. Yeah. But the most concerning thing you've told me is not that you'll have mismatched sexual appetites

that you'll have different types of desire. Not that she's super super, super into you two weeks into being married. The biggest one thing that is making me like tilt my head a little bit. And again, it's not a concern. It's just, I want y'all to have this conversation earlier, rather than later,

which is, I'm going, I am finding myself making myself responsible for her emotional well being. And I'm already starting to see the soil till up a little bit in resentment. Because some nights I just want to, I'm so tired, I just want to go to bed. And you get to do that. That's okay.

That doesn't mean you're about husband. Yeah.

“But it's learning how to communicate that.”

Okay. I see where you're going there. And I think that that's it. It's just, you know, being able to have those over-open conversations to where you're not. Holding back, but you're not, you know, afraid to like step on their toes a little bit. Okay.

Well, and also there is a time and a place for, hey, I want to cuddle with you. Like neighbor gots he's got a great bit about that. Like his wife will come in at two of them, because he's a comic, he stays up late. And he'll, she'll come in and be like, I'm just going to lay by you on the couch till we both go to bed at 3 a.m. And he's like, I don't like that at all.

Right. It's like, sometimes I just want to be by myself. But also sometimes, like cuddle your wife, right? Yeah. And sometimes, I, I, I wouldn't be my first inclination to hold your hand. Oh, you know, hold hands. I'm in for that.

Right.

“Where this gets abuse of is when somebody takes advantage, you owe me, you have to.”

You are responsible for me. And it didn't sound like that. Yes.

But you guys know, it's never like that.

It's just, I think that we're both, you know, we both are really, they're really trying to be very sensitive to each other's needs. To where it's like we're putting the other person first, which is great. Right. But you don't want to lose yourself in that. If you, putting somebody else first is amazing, but only if you're anchored enough in your own well being.

Correct. Right. Because then it becomes codependent real fast. Is there any possibility she is trying to be the wife of your dreams? Oh, 100%. I know that that's what she wants because I know she's felt a lot of, you know, societal pressure.

I mean, being, you know, our age and, you know, never having been in a, you know, sexual relationship and then, you know, we both got married later in life. So we realize, you know, we're behind a perceived, you know, societal. All screw all of that. Nobody gets a vote. Nobody gets a correct 100% with you on that.

But I feel that. I do hear a lot, especially in in faith communities. Yeah. Psychying yourself up. That's, that's, that's me being traumatic, but that.

Wives will feel I'm going to, I'm going to force myself into this mindset because I want him to think I'm this type of wife.

Who's always down, who's always in the mood, who's, I don't, I don't ever want to be that wife that is always shining my husband.

Right. And that, by the way, will get exhausting for her real fast, too. It can kind of go both ways because it's like, I don't want her to feel like she always has to be on for me. Right. You know, she just may like you a lot.

It's pretty awesome. And it sounds like you like her. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't, you know, it's, for me, it's more than just the sex.

Yeah. The sex is great. You know, but I want to figure out, you know, the, the rest of it, you know. Okay. So here's a, here's a magic conversation to have, okay. Okay.

And by the way, there's a conversation my wife and I have every single day of our lives. What is your picture of tonight look like? That's it. We talk about that in the morning. And then I will either call or text on the way home, which your picture of tonight look like.

And if she responds with a certain like, well, I got this. I got this. I got this. Don't forget kids have this.

I already can project out and see or night's pretty packed. If I want to do something after the kids are bed, I'm going to say it then. Or I might write, hey, what's your picture of tonight look like? I'm wiped out. I'd love to watch a show with you and go to bed early.

“And then she goes, okay, great. The best way I can love him, love myself, love us as a couple is to prep for that moment.”

You know what I'm saying? But it just, it just, it keeps it from being in this moment. We're now we both are reacting to the other person's perceived desire. And now it's emotional. It's heavy. It's what man talking about it before you actually get there is awesome. So you both know what you're walking into. And if you text her, what's your picture of tonight look like as you're walking on the office?

And she's like, I'm going to rip your clothes off the second you walk in the door. Hey, you at least know that's common and you can prepare yourself like, alright, game on brother or you can say, I'm like, you can call her and say, that's the greatest text I've ever got ever. I'm super wiped out tonight. Is there any chance I could pick you up and go grab dinner somewhere and go to bed early? Right. Yeah, that totally makes a lot of sense.

And it's a lot, like when you first brought it up honestly, like I was sitting there thinking, You do this every night and I'm sitting here thinking like, how do you keep it from being mundane? But it, like, just clears it up. It makes it so much easier. Yeah, dude. And by the way, there's times over the last 23 and a half years I've been married when it's like, What's your picture of tonight? Look, by the way, we didn't do this until we almost fell apart.

So, but for years we've been doing this. What's your picture of tonight? Look like it doesn't look like that at all once we're both in bed asleep, right?

But the fact that we were, like you said, it's not about it becoming mundane. It's about it becoming intentional and that's amazing.

And in our modern crazy chaotic world, intentionality wins out every single time. And I will fight tooth and nail, it's a hill I will die on, that is,

“If you have to be intentional about intimacy, about sex, about romance, about nicking time and space for each other, that means you value it.”

That means it's extra important. It doesn't mean your romance your marriage is over. It means we are so intentional we're putting this on the table first and then we're going to backfill our night. This is happening or not happening. And then everything else we're going to figure out. And I think that intentionality these days is a middle finger to a culture that says, Just go with the flow, because then you're going to go with the flow or multiple, like you're going to go with the flow and drift farther and farther apart from each other.

So dude, congratulations on getting married, my brother. And congratulations for navigating this two weeks in. By the way, this is the local clear on this. It's not going to be like this for the rest of your life. Just know that. But having these conversations, how can I love you today? What's your picture tonight? Look like having a sexual state of the union. All right, we're two weeks in. All right, we're one month in. Man, that can change everything. Thanks for calling me.

“We come back and ask how he and his wife can break their cycle of money disagreements.”

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Let's talk to Joseph. Hey, Joseph, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, my brother, what's up with you? Hey, man, I'm good.

Appreciate you having me on. For sure, man. What's up? Hey, conference and advice, and just kind of your thoughts on best next steps here. My wife and I can't seem to align kind of financially.

Money, you know, things that we need versus once in our life, and so forth. So, I'm just calling to kind of get some advice here, man. I appreciate to call.

“Almost, in my experience, I've talked to thousands of people about their marriages and their money, okay?”

Almost all the time, money misalignment is not the problem. It's reflective of value misalignment. Sure. We're on different pages about how we want our life to look and go. Tell me about that in your house.

100%.

So, I always say I don't need much roof over our head, food on the table, right?

We've got three kids at home, 12, 9, and 7. So, certainly in the thick of it there. And it's almost like, I feel like here exactly, right? But I'm just having a hard time being able to really sit down and have an open conversation about that. All right.

So, what makes you anxious about money? So, just thinking about the future, right? I live in one of the most expensive parts of the world. Yep. A huge big factor, right?

“But just aligning on, you know, what kind of cars do we need versus want, right?”

We obviously were renting a home right now. Obviously, I want to buy a house, but buying a house in Southern California isn't the big investment, right? You have a lot of cash down payment, you know? Okay. So, all ready out of the gate?

Um, you've given me two proxy wars. You haven't given me the value, which is, because it's just going to happen. You're going to say, "Do we don't need that car?" And she's going to say, "Yes, we do. We have three kids. I need this car that's this big, that's this safe."

And you're going to say, "No, we don't. We can do this one." And what you're really fighting out is, I don't feel safe when we owe people money. Sure. I don't feel safe when I'm driving a car that might break down at any moment.

We can solve that problem together, because we both care deeply about each other's safety. And often when you have three kids and everybody's working hard in the house's bustling and moving and going, there's also this nagging sense that this life that I wanted so bad, that I worked so hard for, that I prayed for, even if you're a person of faith. I, well, God, exactly what I want.

It doesn't feel like I thought it would feel. And so then we both peel off and go our own directions, trying to capture feelings. I'm going to buy a new car. I'm going to buy new clothes. I'm going to make sure my kids have these shoes in this haircut.

Or I'm going to not spend anything. And I'm going to always be looking at homes, even though I can't afford them. And I'm going to always be worrying about the stock market. I'm going to worry about all the stuff that I can't even, that just isn't even real, right? Right.

And you end up, you've heard me say this a million times. You end up six inches apart from each other on the couch, but you're six hours a mile away from each other.

“Yeah, and that's what it's starting to feel like for sure.”

And so there's something, like whenever a couple's having money disagreements like this,

I always think it's an amazing moment to clear the deck and to literally go back to square one and say,

Hey, we accidentally without meeting to have cycled through like four different marriages in the past ten years.

What kind of world do we want to co-create together? Yeah, we try to have conversations open like that, but I feel like the walls are up. Definitely with some resentment, you know, it's with you or with her. Well, a little bit of most now I would say. Okay, tell me about that.

So this all stems back. Excuse me. So took a job in 2015.

I was one of the first employees at a tech company nationwide tech company.

“And obviously being the first employee, you know, they're a little sweat equity that you put in, right?”

So a little a lot. Yeah. A lot of sweat, sweat equity. And so ten years later, I've got some good equity in the company. I feel like I personally, I feel like I make a good salary.

And I'm taking care of obviously not as well as is I would like, right? But everybody wants to make more money. And when I took the job, I did not consult with my wife. So I know that I was right. And we've worked through that and talked through that.

I apologize and have done a lot of work on myself over the last 10 years. I'm being open and communicating and it's us, right? And now that we're at now or, you know, finances are really tight.

Kids all the kids are in school, you know, full time first third in 70 grade.

Like, hey, babe, you know, you know, kids are in school full time. You know, I think God, she was fortunate. She was able to stay at home with them when they're really important. To us, for her to raise our babies. And now that it's like kids are in school full time.

Hey, you know, I'm working. I started a little side hustle that makes an extra money. Like, what do you think you can do, you know, to help out on the income side with the family. You know, and, you know, sometimes it's, well, you're the man. You need to be able to provide.

You need to look at another job.

“You need to make making more money solution.”

I'm like, I don't think it's not the solution. Like, there's bigger issues that we need to get to the bottom to resolve so we can move forward. So that's like, you get more money, more money, more problems, right? So that's why sometimes we get more money, more margin. But I'm hearing you even ask that question to her and how I would hear that question is.

All right. Now that you're done playing with the kids all day, you're going to actually do something to contribute. Okay. Right. And now in a no way in the, in the world, is that what you're saying? Right. But when you come at it as I chose this job one that I found out,

Hey, I did it behind your back and be, you didn't want me to take it anyway. And you feel like you've made a decade worth of sacrifices and we've scratched and clawed to get here. When your last kid went to school, I can imagine her saying, finally. And you are also thinking, finally, right? But your findings are the same word, but they're two totally different pictures.

Right.

“What is it about your salary that she doesn't think is enough?”

Well, I just covering the needs and wants for our family. So with cars and rent and just everything. So basically we're living paycheck to paycheck, right? How much, how much you make a year? I made $210,000 last year. And that's not enough.

And that's the battle with me is I'm like, it's not about the honey. But that's, but hold on, that's a lot of money. I know the most expensive part of the, of the country. That's a good salary. Sure. And it's, my job is very flexible. I can, you know, I can be dad. I coach baseball, you know, involved in my kids' life and it's like,

Yeah, but that's not, again, you're talking about salary. She's talking about I'm not happy in my life. Right. You all need to get to that. Sure.

Right. I've been trying. I know. Have you said, hey, I love you enough to ask you a hard question. I don't feel like you're happy with me and I'll take your happy with our life. I have tried and, you know, the conversations get heated, you know?

How much you all owe? So we are owe, we probably have over almost 200 grand in debt. Oh, God. Well, I take back everything I just said. What are you borrowing money on, man? So credit cards, cars, we've got a couple cars, you know?

So y'all are, you make an incredible salary and you're broke.

Okay. So we talk about vacations and I'm just like, in my head, I'm like, what vac, like, how, you know?

“Okay. So neither of y'all are living in reality.”

So I'm going to change this from a, this would be a great time to get away for half day Conversation and this is a, your house is on fire conversation. Sure. Because either you or her or the combination of both of your spending y'all into a big bad mess. Because you're one phone call, one email, one Friday afternoon at four o'clock meeting away from this whole house of cards coming down on you.

Yep. She needs to hear that. So the response is then, you know, you just need to make more money. Okay. And that is a, that is a response not based in reality. Right.

And I know this because I was just, I just had a conversation with a couple who made like 70 grand and he made 60 grand or something. And they paid for, they paid off a small house in Southern California just the two of them. Making less money than y'all. But they lived real tight for four or five years because their goal was peace, their goal wasn't, I just want whatever I want, whatever I want it. Yeah.

Is, like, I'm asking this not, I'm not trying to be mean at all. I'm just, I'm trying to get some data. Okay. Is she well?

“Well, and that's what I, I tried to say, you know, you know, how do we, I try to approach that conversation and then, you know, it immediately gets escalated.”

Yeah. I mean, yeah, she is well, but I just, to your point about the reality side, I'm like, we need to live in real life, you know, to mean like, Like live on less than you make like all of our grandmothers did. Right. And that's, that's not a huge sacrifice for y'all. It will be for a couple of years because y'all dug yourself a crazy hole. For sure.

But, I mean, this is a matter, I mean, you're in a snapshot of history, man, where you make so much stink and money that y'all could be living in a pretty peaceful, amazing, wonderful life.

Kind of driving whatever y'all want or choosing not to and buying a house. Not on rodeo drive, but buying a nice house, right? Like buying a livable house even, but there's just as such a distance from reality. Yeah, we've got our kids in private Christian school as well. You can't afford that. Right.

And you, you all put yourself in a situation where we can't afford to uphold our own values. Right. I just, that's, that's the conversation. I feel like I'm like, I feel like we're just, you're chasing something, like you're chasing the next thing.

“Like, she's chasing not being in her own skin, and that's the conversation that you have to have.”

Yeah. And really, you can't make that conversation happen. The only path you have ahead of you is to put all of your cards on the table, which is, I can't, in good conscience, as your husband, as the father of these three kids, continue to live divorce from reality. Right.

We make an incredible salary.

And we are broke, broke, broke, and we're doing this to ourselves. Yep. And it might even be, like you saying, I need you to stay present. I need this to not escalate. We have to come up with a real plan here. And you all put yourself in a position now where this plan is going to take some significant sacrifice for a few years.

And by the way, your kids will not only be better for it. They'll be amazing for it. Watching a couple united say, hey, we're not doing vacations. You all are going to have to make do with this. You get one new pair of shoes instead of four or whatever. We're not going to the every Lakers game or whatever. Like them. Oh, that stinks, dad. All that is good because they get to watch their mom and dad.

You and night and do something amazing and set their family free.

Right. You know what I mean? 100%. But it might also be you putting on the table honey. I'm so serious about this. I'll quit this job and we can move.

I just can't live like this anymore. You're 100% leveraged with no asset. In fact, part of what your leverage done is depreciating assets.

Yeah. And so I'll tell you you're an incredibly fragile financial position. Even though you make a bunch of money. Yeah. And so putting that fear on the table and saying, I'm scared to death and I can't.

We can't keep going like this. Right.

You've heard me say this a million times in the show.

Somebody has to, and I'm calling on you, brother. Turn the lights on, turn the music off, and stop the dance.

“I'm going to give you every dollar, which I think it's the budgeting at my wife and I use.”

Right. And I'll give it to you for a year, the premium one. So you can have a tool, right? I'll give you financial piece University. I work here at Ramsey Solutions and that's their flagship product.

All sent it to you. She probably won't watch the videos with you, but I'll at least send it to you. You know what's funny is we did financial piece probably 11, 12 years ago. Okay. Yeah.

So what if you set down and said I as the guy who's makes the money in the house? I've let us down. Just take it all, own it all, even though it's not yours. Take like as Jaco says extreme ownership. I'll take it all.

Right.

I've let us get into a situation.

I went and bought a stupid car that I couldn't afford. I've spent this. I spent this and I haven't said how dire our situation actually is. We're 100% leveraged. Right.

Are you in? Will you join me in having peace in this house?

“And here's the thing, brother, she might look at you and say no.”

And if you're worried about this conversation revealing the state of your relationship, I want you to know it's already been revealed. What you're looking at now is not trying to avoid an explosion. It's exploded. What you're trying to do is to come up with an architectural design to rebuild this thing.

Sure. But this isn't the, there will come a time. And we've got to sit down in front of an Excel sheet and sit down in front of the Every dollar app in front of the budget. This isn't this conversation.

This is honey. I'm scared to death and I have to stop the train. Yeah. Fair. 100%.

I'll walk with you anyway, I can, brother. And if she wants to call, if you'll both want to call me back to how to navigate this, I'm with you, okay? I appreciate it. Thanks so much. Yeah, man, hang on the line. I'll get you hooked up with these free tools.

All right. Thanks for calling, man. All right. Thanks.

“Kelly, this is family after family after family after family after family.”

I know. We see it all the time. This sounds crazy what I'm about to say. But if a couple sits down and says we're 200 grand in the, in that, or I just find out that my husband fell in the blank, I'm more worried about this other couple than I am about the person who, the couple that experience

in fidelity, if they want to work on it. I agree with that. Because it's so illuminating on how disconnected from reality we are. Man, that's tough, tough, tough. All right.

We come back. A man asks how to balance being an extrovert after recently marrying an introvert. We'll be right back. All right. Spring is here.

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go to Montana knife company.com and see what's available right now. That's Montana knife company.com. Alright, Columbus, Ohio. Let's talk to Adam. What's up Adam?

Hey, John. Thanks so much for taking my call then. Question today. I'm excited to be here slash a little nervous. I'm not gonna lie.

Excellent. Well, you heard me trying to even introduce this call. We had to like 15 takes on it's that Kelly graciously edited out. So I'm nervous too.

What's up? Awesome.

“So you know, my wife and I recently got married and, you know, I feel like there's no perfect person out there.”

But there's a perfect person for you.

And I feel like I found that person. But we have a personality difference. She's very much an introvert. I'm very much an extrovert. And sometimes those things, you know, will clash.

And so, you know, like for example, you know, there's times where I'll come home. And, you know, I'm excited to see her. I'll see her in the house. I'll run up to her. Give her a big hug.

And she's kind of got like that stand off. You know, kind of a feeling or vibe. But I'm like, well, this is like super weird and uncomfortable. And she's like, you know what your energy is just too much right now. She's a nurse, you know, during the day.

And so, she's all thought of energy with her patience and co-workers. What have you. You know, sometimes at home, it's just, it's hard to, you know, find that balance because of it. And so, like, I'm just trying to find like a good balance without changing who I am to like accommodate her needs. You know, I love this introvert.

How old are you guys? I'm 42 and she's 36.

First marriage or second marriage.

Second marriage. Second marriage. Okay. And for her too. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Cool. So. I want to dispel a myth.

Okay. Interversion and extroversion. All that really is referring to is some people get energy from small focus groups of people. Some get energy from big groups of people. Has nothing to do with bombing in the house.

Like, what's up? Which you're probably can tell is how I usually enter the house. Yeah. Yeah. If I do that regularly, I will see my wife curled up in the ball.

Like, ah, too much. Right. So totally get this one. I can tell you I have a simple solution for this. But I want to make sure there's not something beneath this thing.

How long have you all been married? Oh, about two months. Okay. Been together for about five years. Okay.

And, you know, just married for for too much. Have you all been living together for five years? I'm trying to like move in like try to figure out how to do life together. Yeah. So we recently bought a house a few months ago together.

But we, you know, how to separate places. But then like, you know, I, of course, I would say the night over there. Sure. You know, maybe a handful of nights.

So, you know, this is really like the first time.

Like full time work. Okay. You know, we're together. And, you know, yeah. Perfect.

So. And I hate to be reductive. Okay. Uh-huh. But so much of this can be reduced to simply.

How can I love you when I get home? Sure. And I wish it wasn't that way. Mm-hmm. But it's, it's, it's you asking ahead of time knowing what I'm walking into.

Mm-hmm. And saying, I'm super excited to be home.

“I'm all fired up and the best way I can love her right now.”

Uh-huh. Is to walk in and say, I'm so happy to see you. Give her kiss on the forehead and then burn some of that energy. Put in your stuff away. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I, yeah.

Oh, it also is, how can I love if you'll ask back? How can I love you today? I had a pretty awesome day. I'm pretty fired up. Can we dance after dinner?

Can we go for a walk after dinner? Yeah. Sure. How do you feel like a crazy sex night? Like, like, it's you putting, it's not like you bury yourself.

But often I have found in my own house and other conversations with couples like this, it's less about her not wanting to be with you. Or not wanting to go for a walk or dance. It is the, like she said, the emotional energy coming through that door is every defense and the dark move hide.

Sure. Right. Uh-huh. But if she's got some time to prepare for it, sweet. Yeah.

I love being with him. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, I even joked about like having this board at home like it's like an emoji board.

So when I come in, she would have like this like, hey, let's figure out like your emotions, how you're feeling and, you know, put up the emoji. So I know what you're going through when I'm coming to the door. Okay. You have that like, you know, the red face.

So I know you're a little frustrated from work where you got a happy face. You're feeling good kind of a thing, you know.

“But, but I, I hear you're saying I think that's, I think that's spot on.”

Well, it might also be, it might also be, I mean, I'll, I'll make this super personal. I've had to develop. Hey, uh, how can I love you when I get home with your pictures tonight? Look like sometimes all call somebody a medium for coffee and burn some of that off. Sometimes I'll come straight home, change my clothes and go workout.

Yeah, because I'm a lot sometimes.

And, and I, as much as I would like this, the reality is she can't carry that.

That's not her job. Hmm. And if the same way, it's not your job to carry her. She's been a nurse all day. She's touched out.

She had to tell a family that their kids will sit, like, you can't carry that either.

“So, both if you need to have strategies for, how do I show up for my spouse,”

show up for myself at home after whatever day we had? Hmm. And that starts with just recognizing what kind of day I had, right? Which you can recognize when somebody says, how can I love you tonight? Yeah.

Yeah. No, I, I think it's spot on. It's just, I feel like it's, it's hard. It's one of those things that's, like, really hard to, like, remind myself when I come through the door. I know.

And obviously, it's not every day, but it's, like, it's hard to, like, when you get excited to see that person, you know, but it's like at the same time. I don't want to take what could be, like, great evening to allow the evening because, you know, my excitement at the beginning kind of set the tone for the rest of the night.

Well, but also, here's the thing.

You also get to choose whether her saying, whoa, you're a lot right now. Is that her rejecting you? And now you've got to go for your whole rejection protocol. Or is that her saying, here's how you can love me right now. Yeah.

Because the whole night doesn't have to be ruined if she puts up her hand and goes, whoa, so much. Can we just hug? Sure. Yeah. And you hug.

It doesn't have to be. She doesn't love me. She never does this. She always went right. It can, like, and go down your whole, nobody loves me.

It's going to end up just like my first marriage. And you know what I'm talking about, right? It's just a roller coaster. Yeah. Yeah.

You don't have to be on that roller coaster. Hmm. I mean, you feel like she, she deals with anxiety. And I feel like she's done a great job managing it. But, you know, it surfaces from time to time.

“And, you know, I mean, do you feel like that could be part of it as well?”

I mean, of course. Well, I'll sit. I'm going to send you all two things. I'm going to send you all send you a copy of building an on anxious life. Which is a book I wrote.

And y'all could read it together as kind of a guide for how do we want to build a house that is peace centric. Uh-huh. Right. And I've done first responder jobs.

And I get being at home. And also, I'm a lot. But do when I'm a lot. And I've been through a lot. Dude, I can be tough to be here.

Yeah. Right. And so it'll give you some tools. Both of y'all, how to ask for the home you'll want to co-create together. And be giving you some tools to get there.

I'm also going to send you the together app. I think this is perfect for y'all. Oh, that's awesome. It's a daily. It's a daily challenge that each of you have that's a bid towards the other person.

It's a micro habit for how do we build a better marriage together. And I'll send that to you for free for a year also. Oh, that's great. But here's a deal. I appreciate it.

Y'all are newlyweds. And I know y'all've been through this rodeo before.

But you'll never been through this rodeo.

Right. And so every weird. Your body's got a GPS pin in the last fight. You'll hide it with your exes, your last. The breakups, the all your body's got GPS pins in there. And it's going to make every emotional.

Challenge that y'all experience, which is totally normal. It's going to make it feel outsized and bigger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's definitely scary. Like, I know, like, for me personally, like, I feel like, you know, I don't want to screw this up again. Or I don't want to, you know, I want to be, you know, I was young. You know, I was 23 when I first got married.

Yeah. And, you know, and I was super young. And now I'm like, you know, I'm ready to, you know, I don't think they're more seriously. But just be more self aware of certain things.

Perfect. You know what I mean? Asking. How can I love you when I get home? Yeah.

Or what's your picture of tonight? Look like those two questions, my wife and I ask every day where lives. And it's, it's her being able to say, I had a crazy one today. And you know, sweet. I'm going swing by and grab flowers.

Yeah. And I'm going to listen to old punk rock music and get all that. And you're, I'm going to sing top my lungs. So that what I walk in the dorm present because I want to love her well. Yeah.

And that you can't do that every single time. Sometimes there's got to be given take, right?

“She's got to be able to say, how could I love you today?”

And you'd be like, do today was crazy. And she's got to be able to say, cool. I've got 45 minutes to gear up. Yeah. Right.

Or to have the courage to say, hey, today's just a bad day for that. And you go cool. Not going to, not going to go to rejection. Not going to, not going to go to. I'm failing as a husband again.

Right.

And bro, that just takes practice.

Yeah. Practice. You're not a bad guy.

“It's like we make it a character and moral issue so fast.”

It's just practice, huh? Practice. Yeah. I mean, you know, in the times where, you know, I do feel like, you know, I am too much.

I could tell it like totally pissed her off. And you know, of course, I feel guilty. I mean, what's a good way to just respond and be like, and, oh, no, not to it and just be like, man, I'm sorry for my energy or, you know, I mean, it's, what's a good way to handle that.

So like, she understands it like I'm genuine. You know, I totally self-reflected. I'm like, I realized I just screwed up and I'm, you know, I'm sorry. Kind of a thing. Super, super simple.

You may tell you. By the way, super simple, but hard to do. Okay. All right. This from my buddy Jefferson Fisher taught me this.

Number one, if you say something, that's too much. Simply say, can I try that again? Yeah. Can I say that in a different way?

Literally that simple. Okay. And say, instead of walking in the door, being like, what, like, finishing the rap lyric you were just singing in the car and yelling like, what's up?

Hey, can I do that again? Hey, I'm happy to see you. It's good. And you know, both laugh and she'll drop her shoulders. And then you all can hug.

Yeah. Yeah.

The second is, and I've done this to my own house.

I've literally, and it's been a joke. I'm joking when I do this, right? We're laughing, but she might not be laughing, but I am. Hey, I'm going to go back to the car and start my entrance over again. Hang on.

Hmm. And I'll literally walk back out, close the, the little entryway door between my garage and my house, and open it back up and say, honey, I'm home.

I'm happy to see you. Right. And she'll throw something at me and we'll laugh. And but it or whatever, but it's just a way of saying, I just caught myself.

I'm going to run this one back. Hmm. I like that. And what you'll do, if you do it a couple of times, if she's on the same team as you, she'll catch herself.

Hmm. When you come home, joyful, and she's like, just stop for a second. She'll be like, hey, can I do that one again? Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Here's the deal. You're all shooting free throws for the first time. You're practicing. Not bad people.

Yeah. Sure.

You're taking another run at the most important relationship

of your life as middle-aged adults. Right. Yeah. Give yourself some grace. Give her some grace and give y'all some grace.

Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. I like the fact that you're making this call tells me you're on the right track. I think that's amazing.

And if you see her anxious, if you see her struggling with anxiety, asking, how can I love you right now? You might get met with, I don't know.

“But if you all have had that, hey, what do we want our house to feel like conversation?”

You'll have a bank of things you can do. All right. Cool. I'm going to go get the laundry started. Even though you all have agreed in this season, she does the laundry and you do the dishes

or whatever. I'm going to go ahead and knock that out. I'm going to walk in every morning and I'm going to grab her cup of coffee just for her. I'm going to set the tone early. Even if I have to get up five minutes earlier than I normally do,

go make the coffee bring her coffee in the way she likes it. I'm going to set the tone as early as possible. I'm super happy that we're together. And then sometimes it's as nuts and bolts as, all right, I get on a lot. But I want you to stay high.

That's just human decency and she'll go, you're right. Sorry, you're right. I'll say hi. But if you're screaming and singing, that's too much. Got it.

How can we both love each other? It's awesome. The library I hook you up with these tools. I think you're on the right spot. And she ever wants to call a show.

I'd love to talk to your man. There'll be awesome. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? It's Deloni.

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All right, Kelly, what's up?

All right, so wanted to ask you another question about the together app. And if you dive in a little bit, when one of the things it asks when you do your kind of intake questions about what stage of life you're in. So would you kind of go through those? Why does it matter?

“And what are the differences of the stages of life?”

And when you answer that question, are you going to get different tasks?

I mean, it's kind of like the show. Like somebody will call and say, "Hey, me and my spouse are on the same page with our sex life, and I'll talk for ten minutes." And then they'll be like, "Oh, we have four kids under five." And I'm like, "Just hang up and call back later." Right?

Like, of course, everything screwed up in your sex life right now.

“And so, or it might be, hey, we're struggling with our finances.”

We took a call earlier.

I make almost $4 million, but almost $4 million in debt.

Or we're struggling with our finances. We make $20,000 a year, and we don't have any water. Right? So, talking about the stage of a life you're in, whether you're empty nesters, whether you are have no kids, whether you have young kids,

it sets the stage for the different exercises you're going to get. Because it's no, it doesn't make any sense for you all to have a dream date together.

“If you don't have any, if you're going to go get some work, right?”

So it's going to talk about how do we connect with over money. Or it's, it's really easy, but if you're going to have a date night, we have four kids under five, right? We have seven minutes to see each other every day. So it, yes, it will definitely direct those activities towards reconnection based on your stage of life.

So yeah, it's just a way for this thing to continue to personalize itself, and it will work with you over time, which is awesome. I guess to know you better and better as you do it, so that's awesome. So great question, Kelly. Thank you.

You and your good questions. Someone has to have some. All they could have done without such a deep v-shirt. Nice when Russell Brand. But whatever.

Love you guys, bye.