Our Marriage Is Sexually Dead

>> When we were first the other, it was pretty awesome.

A sex relationship, everything. And then about 20 years ago, he started having issues in the bedroom. >> The way I hear you talking about your husband is accusatory and blaming. And it lacks a compassion that makes me sad. [MUSIC]

>> What's going on? This is John, the doctor, John Deloni's show. [MUSIC] As we were recording this, the world is melting down. [MUSIC]

“And I think it makes this show even more important.”

The place where we're going to pull up a seat, try to figure out what's the next right move. The screaming yelling, running around, it's not just adding chaos to chaos and this is what the show is, man, pull up a seat, real people with real challenges. We're going to figure out what's the next, what's the next right move, man. What is the next right move for all of us?

>> If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloni.com/askASK. And I got power back in my house after the Nashville storms, Kelly, you're all good? >> Yeah, we only lost power for just a few hours. >> All right, I'm done talking to you. Just kidding, it's cool, it's like a competition.

>> I know, yeah. >> My situation was worse than your since it was like, people ask, how was your ice storm was like, how will we only lost power? I feel like I'm apologetic. >> Yeah, sorry. >> My power company's great, so I feel apologetic.

>> Last time I was in the comedy club and somebody in the green room was like, oh, I'm out for the next week still, and I was like, oh, okay, I'll just be quiet here, right? It's like, but yeah, it's not like a race to see who got at the worst. It's like, it should be a race to how can we take care of each other. So it's awesome.

Thank you for all the calls that you, you in text you sent me, tell me how you were worried about me, Kelly. >> I sent you a text and asked how you guys were doing. >> I said, thank you. >> I didn't get an answer back for a week because you were hunting while you're poor wife

and daughter. We're pioneering.

“>> All right, it's got to Austin, Texas and talk to Anne, what's up, Anne?”

>> Thank you so much for having me on your show. >> Of course. >> Of course. It's actually even bigger fan, she's the one that turned me on to your show. She's been listening for a long time, that, um--

>> Who does that make her awkward conversations between you and your daughter? Are you all pretty cool? >> We are super cool. >> All right, good. >> Yeah, super cool.

And nothing's really awkward with us. We know, I think pretty much everything about each other, which makes it a wonderful relationship with us. >> That's a whole other phone call. Okay, so what's up?

>> Yes, it is. So I am in a relationship for over 30 years now, married for about 28.

But when we were first together, it was pretty awesome.

Everything, a sex relationship, everything. And then about 20 years ago, he started having issues that he wasn't even being honest with me about, um, in the bedroom. >> All right. >> Right, Thomas function.

>> Yes, that's what it is. And it wasn't too bad in the beginning. And, you know, I finally, after a couple of years, finally got him to see a doctor. And, um, he gave him some different things to try, and it first it worked. But then a couple of years into it didn't, um, nothing, nothing works now.

He's completely dead, like there's, and they're down there. There's nothing, nothing happening, um, and it's been very frustrating over the years because I am 15 years younger than him. And I feel like I've spent my younger life without having a, a, a very healthy, sexual relationship with my husband.

I feel like I've been cheated, you know, out of that part of my life.

And I see my, my friends are like second and third marriages and they just have such a healthy

relationship and sex life and they're happy. And I'm like, why do I, after being in this, and being so devoted and, you know, so patient, why did this happen to us? And, and I love him very much. I tried to leave twice, um, for different reasons that was part of it.

And I keep coming back, I can't leave him, I can't, like, be with him, like, can't be with him. I don't, I don't know what I'm doing. Hmm. That was a lot.

I was, I feel like there's a lot to unpack here and, um, trying to think of the best approach here.

“What, what, um, where else are you all not together?”

Um, probably, in activities, it's one of them, like, he doesn't want to do anything. Like I said, we do have that age gap, um, like, I, and active, you know, and I like to go to parks and, um, go places and stuff and, I mean, he just wants to work and sit and watch TV and drink. Where else?

Um, what else do we have that, that we're not in common with?

I want to travel and he doesn't want to travel. What about your money? Yeah, we're not in sync about that either right now. Okay. What about your kids?

Um, probably, we've always disagreed about our kids.

Okay. He has much different ideas about our kids. We have grown adults. I'll turn now. Um.

Okay. So, here's what I want to do with this conversation. Um, um. I want to back all the way out. I'm going to be super direct with you.

Is that cool? That's why I called. Okay. All right. So, uh, a buddy of mine, a close close friend of mine who was texting me from the hospital

last night, while his wife is going undergoing cancer surgery for state four cancer. And she has a medical challenge, she's struggling and he's, I'll get choked up here. He's ride or die. Yeah. And the way I hear you talk about your husbands, uh, I'm going to frame it one way,

but then we'll expand it. Okay.

So, it's going to sound like I'm attacking you at first.

I won't. We'll expand it. Okay. So, I'll be fair. The way I hear you talking about your husband's dead down there is accusatory and blaming.

And it lacks a compassion that makes me sad. Like if you're with somebody fully and their body is struggling, um, that's y'all struggle, right? Uh-huh. But it also can reveal, oh, we're not together on anything.

And for most of us in our lives, we don't know how to talk about money. We don't know how to talk about shared values. You don't know how to have conversations about, I really don't feel like hiking, but

“you know what you do, and I've never felt bad after a hike, so let's go, right?”

Um, or I don't like watching TV, but you know what, tonight, I'm, whatever you pick a show, right? There's a togetherness and sex is often the only thing we have left. So I guess what I want to start this conversation with is, and it becomes the epicenter. I want you to own.

You have not been cheated out of anything. You have chosen repeatedly to stay by the side of the guy you married. That's true. And your path out of this will be full 100% you owning your choices, okay? And so you haven't cheated on anything.

You've chosen Tuesday. Good. Okay, and so let's just own it. And for whatever reason, whether he's got medical issues, psychological issues, going through a great depression, whatever he's going through, he has also made choices, right?

And you can be heartbroken by his choices, you can be frustrated by his choices, but I never

want you to lose sight of this.

“You get to decide what you do next, and you have to own that decision, right?”

And that to me is about maintaining character and integrity and dignity, regardless of what you do next. And so if we back all the way out, you all haven't been together. You all haven't been united. You all have been anchored into the same block, ever, right?

Or maybe since you were very, very first married? So this is just how I feel about it. Like in the beginning, I was just 21, in the beginning of all this, and lost my father to young age, and he came into my life, and he would play everything I was lacking pretty much, and then some.

Does he want to be married to you? Yes. If behavior is a language, does he want to be married to you? I think so. When I left him before he did nothing but pursue me, he wouldn't leave me alone

until he got me dating him again, and back in the house, and you know what I mean, like with him again. I don't know what you mean, like sleeping with him again. I did, and he actually, it was actually kind of better at that point, and then I moved back in, and then someone told me if you moved back in without trying to, you know, work

out the problems that caused it to begin with, it's going to happen all over again and it did. It's hard to get him into counseling. I even talked to him about counseling, and he's like, sure, I'll go with you, and I'm like,

“I think you need to go on your own too, and I do, like we both need separate counseling”

as well as together to work it out. But if the behavior is allowed, which what he's telling you is, I want you, I do.

I'm just not, I'm not into it. No, he's not. But I've even said that because we're Christians, and I told one of my counselors, from my church I used to go to, and we were talking, I was like, I feel like the spiritual leader of my home doesn't exist, like I feel like I am.

Okay. And so, Terry Real has a great framework that I love, love, it's super simple. Okay. When you're faced with something in your marriage that you want to change, most of us try to communicate to get the other person to do what we want them to do.

And that never, ever works because what it does is we end up complaining, nagging, fighting,

screaming, silencing, like all those, all those things, we find ourselves becoming somebody we don't want to be. Right? Have you found yourself there? Oh, yeah.

I found myself there. Yeah.

“Nobody wants to back have a bad day the moment they open their eyes, right?”

And feel bitter and feel resentful. And all that. So here's the path he gives, and I absolutely love it because it's, it's key here is it retains autonomy. I'm driving my car, right, and here's what it is.

You say out loud, here's what I experienced. Number two, here's the story I made up about what happened. Number three, here's how I feel about the story I just made up.

Number four, here's what I'm going to do now.

And my guess is the stories you have created around this slow drift apart from each other. That's happened over 20 years. Is inside, getting inside his head and trying to figure out why he's doing or not doing what he's doing. I've been trying to do that, and I feel like he's, he's old now and he doesn't, he hates

it, like he's fighting this age thing like crazy. And I think he's depressed. Of course.

“Because his career hasn't gone well, he knows he's not, you know, that we're not great.”

He thinks his kid's at him because, like, for different things, that's another phone call. Sure. Like you said, but here's what he knows for sure. 100%. You know, this is wife doesn't like him.

No, I don't really know. He knows him. I know. There's a lot of people that I love that it's a like him. Yeah.

Right. You're in the right about that. And it's hard to do anything when you look over and you know your wife doesn't like him. I actually told him the one night when he was trying to kiss me, I was like, I'm not even

attracted to you. And I was so, so bad about that. What was his response? He was so hurt. He just, he just ignored it in the next day, he didn't talk about it.

Yeah. He's worth it. And so here's, here's the path I want you to follow. Okay. Okay.

I'm not going to give you permission to leave.

“You have to, you have to take that permission yourself.”

What I'll tell you is, you have to be honest about the choices you have made. And then you have to be very honest about the choices you're going to make moving forward. And that begins with a whole bunch of eye statements. I want to be married to you and I want to have sex with you. I want to travel with you.

I want to do things other than drink and watch TV with you. I miss you. I'm willing to fill on the blank. The stories I've made up are you can't get it up. You don't want to have sex with me because you don't think I'm beautiful because you're

lazy because you don't even care about us because all those other things. The story I've made up is you don't want to be on the same page with me with your money because you think I'm stupid because you think I'm just your daughter. All exactly how I saw all these stories you're making up. It is helpful to look across the table, not in a fight.

But in a direct way and say, I've made up these stories, are they true? And here's the thing. Some of them will be true and y'all have to reckon with that. If he had looked at you and said, hey, whatever I lean into Kishu, you back up. The story I'm making up about that is you're not even attracted to me anymore.

If you're a person and he would have said, that makes me feel bad.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm opening my hands to you. How do I become more attractive for you? And you'd have to be honest and say, the story you made up is right.

But it's probably I've seen Gillians of old couples with age spots in their skin, second

“of their bodies and they are gross in love.”

My guess is you are less attracted to his being, his essence, his giving up. Yeah, it's not really attractive and he also stopped working on himself and he's starting to not look even as appealing, but that I can get past, you know, if I- Yeah, but nobody wants to be with somebody who's getting past it. Yeah.

Right. Drew. Yeah. You're saying everything though that I, whenever I approach him with anything maybe it's the way I'm approaching it, I don't know if it's probably my fault.

I don't know.

But it's always an attack.

He feels that everything is an attack. He won't have a real discussion, but it's an adult discussion. It's always an attack and I can't get around it. There's no way I've tried so many times to talk to him and it's just never ends up good.

Yeah.

“Here's the thing, sometimes it's going to sound cheesy, think of connection, focused”

communication. Why are we communicating? So I want you to be different, I want you to do it, I want you to do it, I want something from you or I want to get to the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing. And if you approach communication, not transmitting data, but in trying to connect with

somebody, trying to understand and acknowledge them as Jefferson says. Sometimes you try to connect and connect and you realize this is disconnected. And so I don't know a path forward for you other than to say, tonight, I want to have a hard conversation, but I need you to be present with me and not leave. And it might be you holding his face, it might be you holding both of his hands and

saying look at me directly in the eyes, I love you and you're my husband and we need to have a hard conversation and I need you to stay present with me tonight when you do that. Okay. And if he says no, then, like, like, behavioral language, right?

Right. And then we're going to sit down and say, here's the eye statements, I miss you, I love you, I want to be with you. And I have made up the following stories. Okay.

I don't know what to do next. That's fair. And then he gets to say, you're right, I don't know, maybe he'll open up with you about how terrifying it is. I hate us for him in all the time.

It's a psychological unspooling when they start the initial stages of struggling with ED. But if you sit down at the table and you've said over and over, you're not doing anything.

All you want to do is watch TV, you never want to come do this with me.

When you start sentences like this, in these moments with the word you, it's an attack. People, people, wall up, but they shut down or they wall up, or they grab their sword and they're shielding. They go to war with you. And then if he says, I don't want to talk, I can't talk about the stuff, I'm not going

to counseling, I'm not going back to the doctor. This is my lot in life, then you get to decide what you do next.

“The only thing I'll tell you is, making your choice and then just choosing to stew.”

Of course, you're going to agree. You need to be sad as bloody hell all that, but choosing to just stew and resent an anger and blame that is a recipe for a withered exhausting life. I want more for him, I want more for you, I want more for y'all, I want more for your kids, for your neighbors, for everybody.

And by the way, looking at your friends who are in the second, third marriage has been

like, look how much fun dude, maybe. But as you probably know, there are a few people know what's actually going on behind closed doors and other people's homes. So keep your eyes on your own paper on this one. Thanks for the call, sister.

It's an honor to get to talk to you. I really would love to know how this follow-up conversation goes, and I would love, love, love to talk to your husband. I spent my career behind closed doors talking with guys in the situation. I love to talk to him if you'd have the courage to call.

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Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off an annual plan. To joindeleteme.com/deloney. Alright, we're back. Let's go to Gabrielle in Cleveland, Ohio, hey Gabrielle. Hello, Dr. D.

How are you? Well, I'm only on my third personality today, so I'd say I'm ahead of the game. I'm on like number 9, Kelly is, well, she only has one personality, and it's a laser. Well, good for you. I'm glad you're only on three.

What's going on? Yeah, I have a question for you. I work in a similar field that you used to work in with law enforcement and help them people in crisis. And when I get home of a day, my husband will ask how my work day went.

And it seems like no matter how I answer it, it doesn't land well. Is it not land well because he patch you on the head and goes, oh, that's cute.

“You should do real work like me or does he not go well?”

Because he doesn't want to hear the stories or especially in police culture, but lots of jobs. There's a lot of internal lingo and you start talking to people and really know what you're talking about. I mean, where does that come from?

Yeah.

I'm not real sure, like when I first started in this position, I would share some general

information, you know, just talk about the different kind of struggles people were having. And then he came back with, hey, I didn't sign up to do that job. Yeah. So I changed and then started sharing like white-hearted, funny co-workers stories and then it turned into snide comments about having a lot of free time and not working very hard.

So at this point, I'm like, I don't really, then I switch to just good busy lots of meetings. And so now he feels like I'm evasive and so when I ask about his work day, that's how he responds. Not sure. So there's a couple of things here.

One, I experienced the same thing you did when I started working crisis work. I remember coming home and I told my wife what had happened the night before. She'd been asleep. I got a call out. I showed up at a house.

Somebody had died. It was a whole big thing.

“I was taking care of a parent and it was a mess, right?”

And I could see as I was explaining what was happening that this was an on-slot for her from my wife. And I remember saying, oh, I remember feeling, I don't know if I said it. It was years ago, I'm going to, I need to keep this to myself. I need to not talk about this.

And what ended up happening was we got real separate, real fast. Yeah. Because I had this whole other world, right? Yeah. And it was easy for me if my wife came home and said, one of my graduate students did

this last night and I'm like, oh, yeah, well, I cleaned brains up off, right? It was like a, it became this, I felt this weird competitive, like I'm holding all of this in. I've known to talk to about it, right? Mm-hmm.

So what we had to develop, and it did, we got separate real fast.

What we had to develop is, in a weird way, some coded language to where she would say, she didn't know the work I was doing, the details of it. She didn't know the horror and how hard it is sometimes and, like you mentioned, how slow it is. There was nice.

I did patrol for hours. We did nothing. No calls, right? Very boring, right?

And we had to, but she, but she never lost interest in me.

“And so we had to develop with us two things, one, her asking, how was last night?”

And I would say it was really hard, or it was a slow night. And if I said it was really hard, I wouldn't, I wouldn't bury her in details, but she would come give me a hug and just hold me for a minute. And the second thing that was really important was I had to develop relationships with people that I could talk about this stuff with.

And I went through a grieving process because I really wanted all of that to be her. Yeah. And I realized that was unfair, because, like your husband said, she didn't sign up because her reason she didn't go into that work, right? And so I had to agree, like, oh, I wanted you to be my 100% of all things.

All my friend, and my lover, and a coper, and that's not a fair way to dump on somebody. So it's my job to find people, whether a professional counselor to process some of the stuff, my supervisor, Dr. Young, who I would talk to about, or my colleagues, or whatever, people I could talk to about what I'd seen in experience. And so I could get some wisdom, some perspective, just inventing all that kind of stuff, right?

So that's number one.

“So I think in some ways, he's right there.”

But I think in your situation it's revealing a deeper issue, which is the story you're making up about him is my husband doesn't like me. He doesn't, he doesn't have to hang out with me. Um, I don't, I don't know if I feel that way, I just don't know, I feel like I'm not saying the right, I'm not given the right response.

All right, and that's like if I, very people who's in love with you, which is, which is darling, but if we back out and behaviors a language is also heartbreaking, if behaviors a language, what is he telling you? Well, it's so like not interested, no matter what I say. Okay, sit on that for a second.

Because my guess is your whole life you've been trying to figure out what's so wrong with me. Yeah, you're quick. And you've tried to tell him about the blood and the guts, and he was like, "Oh, and you tried to tell him about the fun stuff?"

And he's like, "Ah, and then you try to tell him about the high-level activities, and he's like, "Lame." Yeah. Yeah. Right?

“And what that says is, "I'm not interested in you."”

Which, to, again, I don't want to pay your husband against my wife. But when we went through a similar thing, what I got loud and clear is, "I'm very interested in you, but I can't handle that." Or here's another thing. When I was a track coach, I was a high school track coach for a few years.

I was obsessed.

I knew everybody's times, everybody splits, everybody's every, I was always cranking

out. Do you think I ran a 47, 5, 0.201? And she finally said, "John, I can't tell you how little I care about track times. I just can't. I care about how excited you are and how much you love your job and how what a great

coach you are with these young people. I could care less about their times." And so it became a joke in our house. She's like, "You got 30 seconds on times. Go."

And I'll be like, "Okay, he ran really fast." Or even now, I do, she is just not in this stand-up comedy like I am. But now when I get home from a set, she'll be like, "All right, you're best joke. I don't want to hear it. Just what was it about?"

And I light up like a Christmas tree, I'm like, "Okay, here we go." And so, and I do the same thing for her on the stuff that she's studying and she writes about stuff. But all I have to say is, we are interested in each other. And we don't have to be interested in the same things.

Each one is interested in the fact that makes our marriage more awesome. My concern for you is it sounds like your husband just doesn't care. Yeah, that's the way it feels, that's the way it lands. Okay. So the path forward is it's just like I told the previous caller here.

The path forward is just following that simple Terry real framework, which is, "Hey, honey, I want to just direct conversation with you."

Number one, here's what I'm experiencing.

Number two, here's the story I'm making up about it. Number three, here's how I feel about that story. Here's how my body feels right now.

And that is a scary, vulnerable thing, because you've been overplaying relationships probably for since you were a little girl. Pretty much.

“So, like, brass tax, hey, husband, can we have a serious talk?”

Oh, okay. Well, what now? Whatever.

I don't always get to say.

Or you might say, yeah, of course, I would love to talk to you. I don't know. He might be wonderful. I've tried to talk to you this way, I've tried to talk to you that way, I've tried to talk to you this way.

The story I'm choosing to make up is you don't like me. I'm annoying to be around, you don't have any interest in my life. I'm making up this story, but it makes me feel small. Makes me feel less than. I would love it if you would give me a path so that we can connect and communicate,

because I just love Chet Chet, I just love talking with you, you're my friend. I love you. You see, that's an invitation. Yeah. That's a very vulnerable scary terrifying, because he could say, yeah, you're annoying.

I don't like you. Or you could guess like the crap out of you. Of course, I like you. I work hard to put money in the account, but-- Yep.

They'll probably be the route right there. And you could say, thank you. Here's a road map for how I would like to be loved right now. It was a shock to me when my wife said one of her, when I learned that Chet Chet was an affidisiac in my house, let me put it that way.

I did not know that. I've been in a lot of locker rooms in my life, and no one has ever said, dude, you know how to get your girl fired up.

“Chet Chet, and calendar time, and no one ever said those things, right?”

Yeah. And so maybe that your husband was just running a bad script.

Or he's never taken a time, or you've never allowed yourself to be seen and known.

Probably a little bit of both. It usually it's how it works, like somebody sees that the other person's not really super interested in seeing them or knowing them, they never celebrate them. And so you start to guard that area, I don't want to be known, right? I don't want to be-- I like my job.

I don't think this is dumb. I'm helping people. Yeah. And so I'm going to hold it back, and then all of a sudden you get this golf just appears between the two of you.

Yeah. Because I feel like trying to respect and not wanting to know the details is coming across like I'm being evasive. Yeah, but the path through that, there's tension there, right? Yeah.

And so in a position where you can't win, I try to tell you everything it was too much. I'm trying to hold it back, it's not enough. And so the only path to peace in your marriages through that tension, that's where the connection is. And it is, okay, I've tried this, I've tried this, I've tried this, I've tried this, the store

I'm making up is you don't like me. Yeah. Will you give me a path so that we can talk and hang out and communicate? And by the way, once a week I'm going to go hang out with my girlfriend, because I need someone I can talk to you about this.

Yeah, I have a couple of people that I can talk about, that's it, and I do, so I have at least have that, and it's not so much for me and need to want to go into detail about it with him, because I don't know that he'd get it anyway, he has his strong opinions about stuff. So, I'm just, but does he give you something to navigate?

But does he give you space for your strong opinions? Um, not always. No, answers no. Yeah. And you should agree.

This is opinion's right. That's right.

“You should agree that, and that's the next one.”

The store I'm choosing to make up is you think my opinions are stupid. You approach me with judgment, not with curiosity. My wife and I have different political beliefs, but I know she's smart, and she knows I'm smart, and I know she's caring, and she knows I'm caring. And so when she says something, and I'm like, dude, I disagree that totally, I'm curious

as to how she got there. Yeah, I think he's more about getting people on his side, thinking like he thinks. Okay. And that comes from a profound sense of insecurity. Yeah.

And so you're telling him, I will always be on your side.

There's nobody more on your side than you, of then me, and my opinion also really matters.

The store I'm choosing to make up is you think I'm dumb.

You think I'm uninformed. You think I'm silly. You think I'm a child. And that makes me feel small. Yeah.

And my hope is that if you can get beneath the, here's the facts. So there's an old marriage thing. You can be right, or you can be married, right? And when somebody, if there's a disagreement about the dishes and somebody says, hey, you can do the dishes.

And the other person's like, stop yelling at me. I didn't yell. And you're like, yo, you did. The facts there, if somebody has like a measuring tool that would measure the sound and that Rick, the facts don't matter in that moment.

“What matters is I spoke in a way to the person I pledge my life to that made her feel”

attacked.

And I need to solve that.

And she heard something from the person that she pledged her life to that made her body immediately go on the defensive. She needs to dig into that. You, I'm saying. Yeah.

I can feel your apprehension. What scares you to death about having this conversation with him? Pat us to camp, kind of like the previous caller, you know, very similar to what she was saying. Just as nothing you don't care.

Um, I don't know that that's necessarily, um, can I have a great relationship with this mother? Um, and sometimes I feel like I, I kind of catch the, uh, the bar of that, but how long have you all been married? Twenty, seven years.

Okay. His mother excuses are long over. Okay. Long, long, long over. Yeah.

Your his wife for more than a quarter century. Period. End of story. Yeah. He has to see and know and celebrate and yes, challenge his wife.

“And you need to allow yourself to be seen and known and celebrate and challenged if it's”

safe and vice versa. Like the, uh, well, and he was like, we're here now. We've been to California for 20 something years. And sometimes these conversations are fruitless. Like you go searching for connection and you realized, oh, we're unhooked.

We're disconnected. It's a scary realization. Sometimes you go forward and say, hey, what I've been wanting from you is not that you're right all the time. I'm wanting you to be with me.

When did you hear me? I want you to know me. I don't want to know you. And people melt. They're like, oh gosh.

Yeah. Sometimes when people say, here, here's a story I'm making up. I feel like you think I'm stupid. I feel like you think I'm useless. I feel like you think your job's more important than mine.

People, they dissolve. Like, oh God, I didn't know I did. You felt that way.

“And sometimes I'll say, yeah, you're right.”

It's painful, painful conversation, but it gets everything out on the table. And now we can deal. We can traffic in reality. And if you're married to someone that looks at you and said, yes, I am smarter than you. You are dumb.

Then you're going to have to decide. Good God, what am I going to do in that reality? But if you were married to somebody who loves you, who will say, I'll give you a path to how you can love me. I'd like a path on how I can love you.

Man, now you're talking. Now you're cooking. And by the way, it's not too late to change everything. Yes, I got another 25, 30 years to go. It's not too late.

I'd love to hear all this conversation goes. Thanks for the call, sister. Ask me a tough one. We come back a man asked how to support his fiance, so brighty journey when she stressed about wedding planning.

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It would really help. Yeah, I pitched that one awesome. All right, it's got the H-Town. He used to text us and talk to not so plain way. What's up, Wayne?

Hi there. How are we doing, man?

Hi, we're doing all right.

What's going on? Well, I would say about a month ago. I got engaged through my fiance and she's a recovering drug addict. She was addicted to cocaine for four years over the past five months.

She's been clean and sober. Really turned her life around. But the last month or so of wedding planning and all the little extras that come along with it, engagement parties, and batch of retrips and branches and things like that

have concerted to get really stressed out and sort of go to old habits. And I'm just wondering, how much and help her not be so stressed out?

“I don't think that's what you're really asking.”

But I'll answer that question. We can get to the real one. Is that cool? Sure. Is she started using again?

No. No, she hasn't. But she has started drinking again. Which is why every friend I have, every person I know that's ever had a problem with cocaine

and it always starts with one beer.

Yeah. And then they wake up two days later and try to figure out where they are. Yeah. What kind of treatment is she going through? Why not go?

Yeah. So I think that's where we start. You can't help her feel less stressed because my guess is whatever is happened in her life up to this point that led to a four-year stent of abusing cocaine. And probably before that alcohol on other drugs, stress is baked into her nervous system.

That's where alcohol works.

“That's what cocaine works until it kills you.”

And so you're saying, like, I want to take away your stress. That's inside of her. And then you add all the stuff on top of it and it just becomes too much to handle. So my main thing to tell you is trying to quote unquote take away her stress isn't the path here. The path here is I love you enough to look you in the eye and tell you.

I'm ready to pause this marriage thing for the time being because it's gotten really big, really fast. You've got to go get some professional help and care and help. Hmm. I can think of one. I'm trying to think off top of my head here.

I can think of one person who has struggled with cocaine that was able to just whitenuck lip. One. One. Yeah. And it was long and arduous and hard.

Yeah, we've, we've had that conversation before and the, the fear was going to. Outpatient orientation treatment is that people will forget about her. And you know that's an irrational fear on this side of getting well. Yeah. Right.

And so the best you can do is tell your person that you love more than anybody else in the world. I'm right here. I'll be here with you. But I love you enough to tell you. I see our life together forever. But I can't hitch my wagon.

Just somebody is struggling in this way. It would be unfair to you. Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. She has made quite a bit of progress.

I'm so proud of her. I could, I could, I could, yeah, I could bust. Yeah. It's amazing.

“Can I just, can I throw some things out to see if she's like other folks I've sat with before?”

Sure. Did she ask you all the time while you're marrying her? Yes.

When she is fully on, is she literally the best person in the room ever?

Um, no, she has quite a bit of social anxiety. That's, that was the other side of the question. But when she's on, when she's, let me say it this way. When she's lasered into you. That feels good, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And when she's off, it's scary at that. Yeah. Yeah.

Very scary. Yeah, she needs to get some professional help, my brother. Mm-hmm. And you can't make her do that. Yeah.

You can only decide. I could make her do things much better. You know? Well, you have course, right? But you're not abusive.

And you're not coercive. You're not an manipulator.

“So you have to look at somebody who you love deeply and say, I feel like I love you more”

than you love yourself and maybe some truth to that. Um, absolutely true to that. Yeah. And you have to make peace with the only thing you can decide to do is what you're going to do next.

So if you decide, hey, we're going through this marriage. We're going to whiteenuck a listing. I'll be whiteenuckling with you. I'll take all the wedding planning, all the stuff. The stress of her is still getting married to a guy that she thinks she's inferior to.

We'll still hang on on both of you. The idea, the barbell.

I always think like a squat rack.

The barbell of marriage. I am anchoring to you and you are anchoring to me. And it's us to verse the world. If somebody already has an innate sense in their nervous system, if they're not enough that they're a burden that the world is too big,

that barbell will crush you. Yeah. And you can, it's definitely happening.

“If you want to marry her, just know you're carrying the whole barbell.”

Oh, yeah. And the things you'll have been through in the past will repeat, probably with a faster, bigger cycle, the fireworks show will be bigger. Yeah. Or you can hit pause and say, I just love you too much.

I love who we could become too much. And you get, you get to decide that boundary. You get to decide what we do next. And that's a hard place to be, man. Whew.

That's a hard place to be. What we're thinking about you, my brother. Call back any time and she wants to call me. I'll talk to her as well. Oh, she goes the best. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by better help.

I've had some amazing mentors and friends who are also amazing women.

But one of the common themes I hear from all of the women who have poured into me over the years is that between caring for people and all of the other responsibilities and expectations that the whole world dumps on them, women are under an incredible amount of pressure every minute of every day. And often they're encouraged to overlook their own emotional well-being for the care of others. Therapy can be a place where you learn how to set healthy boundaries, how to create some sort of balance

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All right, so we have a cool craft that happened. Yep.

“And to our listeners that might be new, we do cool craft that happened and am I the problem?”

Feel free to send those in, put the cool craft that happened or am I the problem in the header and we might read it. All right, this is from Lindsay in Davisboro, Georgia. You're smiling, so you'll like this one. This is a really good one. All right, and she writes. My youngest son proposed to his girlfriend last week. He did so on top of a mountain at Yellowstone National Park, which by the way. Nice.

Bravo. I proposed on a knee and a Papasito's restaurant, North Houston. But I do love Papasito, so I'm okay with that. It was not good. So this guy was-- Yeah, but Papasito's is clutch, but this guy won.

She was so excited and he was so nervous. They are both huge fans of the Dr. John Delone show. And at the end of the proposal, it accepted, she exclaimed, "New Year." [laughter] Awesome.

You guys are making a tremendous difference in the lives of your listeners, myself and my family included. Thank you for all you doing. Keep on keeping on.

Love it. Love it. Love it.

“And if you want to know the story on "New Year," I'll tell you in another episode of "To Little Before," but it's one of my favorite stories.”

And it's stuck in my head for 20 something years now. New Year?

I do it. First of all, I did it, but I was like, "What?" I was like, "Oh, they were blind."

“If you want to-- I don't know. You could probably Google it, put it in "Chagg B2."”

What is Delone in "New Year," and I'm sure it'll give you a song. Who knows?

But one day I'll tell that story again.

“New Year? Hey, did they say the name of the couple?”

No, she didn't. What's her name? Her name is Lindsay. Lindsay.

Lindsay Sun and his new fiance.

Congratulations. You out proposed me, so well played, brother. We'll play it, and to both of you, New Year. Love you guys, bye.