Should I Confront My Father About His Infidelity?

My mom had found out that he was living a double life dating

another woman, if she found a couple of their cell phones and such, and you go forth with forgetting somebody to that extent where, you know, this is my father and, you know, my role model. >> I hope to God, he's not your role model. [MUSIC]

>> What's up, what's going on? This is John, the Dr. John Delona Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, I'm glad that you are here. [MUSIC] >> Talk with real people about real challenges.

You're mental and emotional health. >> Your marriage is your relationships. >> Whatever you got going on, kids, parents, all of it. >> You want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com/ask or click the link in the show notes and we'll take you right to the ask page.

“Let's go out to Philadelphia and talk to B.I.W.L. What's up, Bill?”

>> How are you, Dr. John?

>> I'm good brother, how are you, man? >> Good, good to see you having me on, thank you. >> Of course, what's up? >> So, I have a question about forgiveness and I guess, in a sense, confrontation, and how to confront a family situation

with my father. So, yeah, let's do with him fidelity eight years ago in 2018. My mom had found out that he was living a double life. He was having a affair and a sense, you know, I guess dating another woman, if she found a couple of their cell phones

and such, on a family vacation, and they went through a quick divorce. It was about two, three months, had to move out of my childhood home. It was a lot of lie that my mom found out in the process. I tried to stay out of it. I didn't talk to my dad for two years.

I started talking to him again in 2021. And, you know, we have a gentleman off relationship, you know, I still don't really trust him after all that. But back in 2021, my wife and I had to move into my dad's home for about a year, we were displaced, our home got destroyed

and the storm out here on these coast. And I found a bunch of pictures and such with him and this other woman he was living the double life with dating back to about 10 years prior to when he was, apparently honest and told my mom he had started seeing this woman.

So he was living a double life for almost close to a decade from those dates. So I don't, my question for you is how, how do you go forth with forgiving somebody to that extent where, you know, this is, you know,

a fought my father, you know, my role model, a male figure who's been in my life for, you know, all these years. And I do, how would I go about confronting him and asking him why he did what he did?

“- I think you have to get to the motivation”

behind what you're seeking. - Okay. - So I hope to God, he's not your role model. - It's well, it used to be, well, there you go. - And that's my point is,

often we have this feeling, this sense, that we're gonna have this big confrontation. You've probably addressed or heard for this conversation a thousand times, probably 10,000 times. I'm gonna say this, he's gonna bow his head

and be like, I'm so sorry, and you're gonna like, be heard and be said, there's gonna be this cathartic moment for both of you, and then it will clear the deck for this future relationship. Almost 0% chance that happens.

- Yeah. - And so then you have to ask yourself, have I grieved the fact that I anchored into a man, who was not who he said he was. And deal with the onion that is layer by layer,

what I anchored into was never real in the first place.

Or parts of it were real. He did show up to work every day and provide for our family. He did give me school tuition. He did buy me shoes. I mean, he did something to say he did stuff like that.

And he also lied and cheat, cheated, and then lied more, and was deceptive. Like both and the complexity of it all. But if you want to figure out how to forgive so that everything moves forward, Rosie,

that's not an honest picture forgiveness. If you wanna have a big fight, just to make sure that this man knows how you feel, you can do that. You're a grown man, you can do it if you want. I've never heard somebody have that confrontation

and say it felt as good as they thought it was going to. And didn't walk away feeling more small than before the conversation. I've not met that person. - Right, right.

“- And so I think you have to ask yourself,”

what do you hope and do accomplish? Are you trying to, do you wanna have a relationship

- So, like I said, we have a relationship in the sense of, we talk a couple of times that we, you know, we'll stop over. We see he's obviously as grand kid, he sees my daughters. We don't really have those like in depth,

you know, long talks that we used to have, obviously. You know, prior to all of this coming out eight years ago. Because they're obviously mistrust there. - So I'm assuming he's taken responsibility, or I wouldn't let this man around my daughters.

- Yeah, he in a sense, right? Now, but the thing is I don't really know how, I don't really know what I believe if that makes sense because, you know, we, I guess you still have that whole,

is he still lying, right? Is he cheating on the woman he's with now, right? Which it is what it is, right? You know, yeah, that's my other side of this for me. This is a strange question.

Why does it matter to you? - So if he's cheating on the female, he's with now that he was cheating on my mother with, I don't care about that, right?

“What I, what you do, and that's okay, and you should,”

but I get your sentiment, like he's gonna do what he's gonna do. You can't control any of that. - Right, I think it's more or less the, the true thing I care about is, number one, it's, you know, how do you go about,

like I said for giving those actions on my mother, you know, watch my mom go three years of depression, having to move her out of, you know, even like I said, oh, she fell in my father bill for me and my sister isn't things that sort

of, you know, how do you go about just, I guess for giving or even re-trusting, I don't know, I guess they situationally, this might go hand in hand. And then, like I said, how do you really ask somebody

like that, hey, why did you do this, right? Where they're in marital issues, you know, growing off, you know, that, you know, what was the motivation or the motive behind it, that's, I guess what I wanna try to figure out.

- All right, so you laid that out perfectly. So kudos to you, okay? So I do think you have three different things going on. So let me parse a part for you. And I'm gonna be overly reductive

and I'm gonna make it sound super simple.

“I know each thing about to say is insanely complicated, okay?”

First and foremost, forgiveness is for you.

For forgiveness is you waking up saying, I'm not gonna have the first thought of my day and the last thought of my evening, about this man that blew up my family. I'm gonna stop carrying around the sins of my father

'cause I didn't do anything wrong. And you carrying around the sins of your dad, impact your relationship with your wife, with your daughters, with your kids, with your mom, with everybody.

And so forgiveness is the active action of saying out loud, you don't get a vote in my life anymore. And it is a daily practice of stopping the stories when they start, stopping the imaginary conversations when they start, entrusting that over time,

your body will stop defaulting to them so much. But it's saying you don't get a spot in my backpack anymore. I got too much other important stuff to carry. - Nope, I'm fair. - So that's number one.

Number two, - Let me answer the third one first.

- You're never gonna get a satisfactory answer to why.

- Okay. - You might approach it from this. You might approach it from this way, which is, "Hey, Dad, this is a hard conversation I want to have with you, "but half of me is you."

And I love my wife, I love my kids, I can't wrap my head around how this could possibly happen. - I would love for to hear your side of the story. - And maybe he'll give it to you. - And maybe you'll find out your mom wasn't who you thought she was.

And you'll further just melt your picture of your childhood.

“- Right. - I mean, that's what you want to do.”

- My guess is you're grasping at how can this guide that I lie inized as a young kid, actually, be so cruel. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- But you realize that's ultimately a trust question

you're asking yourself. How is I so wrong? - Right, right, it sits, yeah. - And if I was so wrong here, then in my wrong with my wife, in my wrong with my boss, in my wrong with my like,

it sets a stage for, I can't trust myself, which is unmooring, right? - Right, yeah. - And I think at some level, you hear me say this all the time,

and let that kid off the hook.

He's a kid, and kids are and sons are supposed to trust her dad. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it sits, sit, sit, sit. - You're still holding that kid accountable for how you feel as an adult. Let that kid go, man, he was a kid, he got burned.

- Yep, fair, yeah. - And in, by the way, he had to watch a man who's half him destroy his mom. This place is children, because you want to sleep with somebody else, like the selfishness inherent

in that act is so profound. And so deep, it's hard to wrap your head around, right? - Yeah, it's bad, and there was really no remorse. It was quick, it was, hey, this is what's going on. I'm finding a new house, and you guys are adults,

see you later, take a think. - Exactly, so all I'd say is you can approach it that way. I mean, you can approach it in what you want,

but I mean, that might be a path to take,

I just want you to be honest about what revelation you're looking for. - Yep, and then this last thing, this thing in the middle here, so you've got forgiveness on one side, and you've got, how do I build trust again?

“Here's how, you have to give a path as to”

what trust reestablishment would look like, and he is to choose whether to follow it or not. And then I'm going to tell you right now, he will not. - I kind of assume that, I think a large part of that, you know, is, I guess there is denial in a situation

like this to some extent, and it's painful. - Yeah, and it's painful. - We're ignorant to that fact, it sucks, right? - It does. - It's terrible, and, 'cause you want the person

that you want the person that hurt you to come running. - And back, yeah. - Yep, yeah. - But in the strange paradox is, somebody with the character to do what your dad did to your mom, to you, your siblings,

is often not the person with the character that wants to go repair. - Right. - Right, they put that burden on the person that they hurt. All right, well, you have to give me a path.

That's the most common frustration I get from people when I say, you have to establish trust, like you have to give them a path back, which, and it's like, oh, so I have another thing I have to do, and I get that criticism.

I make sense. Totally get it, but you're going to have to have a line of, or what, right, which is hard, man. Because it might be, your daughters don't get their granddad. - Right, it's very, it's very tough, and it sucks,

because it's, hey, why do we have to go through, you know, talk about me and my sisters, and even by, why do we have to go through, you know, years of, you know, sadness and confusion and off of, you know, somebody else is, you know,

“choices that obviously were extremely selfish, right?”

- Right, right, and I get that in life. - Is he a guy that would, and I feel like I'm just piling up on your old man today, is he a guy that, if you put this line out

and said, Dad, here's what I'm looking for.

We have to re-establish full trust here, 'cause you're going to be around my daughters. And he's going to go, me, what are you talking about? I would never be like, hold on, it's bigger than that. It's not just that you cheated on mom.

It's that you left a, your ex with nothing. That you were so selfish that you piled your kids out of your, their own childhood home. Are you forced them out? Mom had to go back to work.

Mom went through mental health crisis, which meant all of us, as your kids went through that. That kind of person who would do that to those closest to him, I don't know what that person does with my daughters.

Not in a sexual way, but in a trustworthy way. All right. So I want to re-establish this, is he the kind of guy that would then blame you? My son will leave and let me see his girls,

'cause you're some kind of bad guy. - So I don't think it'd be that. I just think he's, my dad's a very, even immigrant from Greece. He's just very old school in a sense of,

there isn't much conversation to have that's really in depth within. - Yeah, it's more or less just very black and white. - Gotcha. - Well, then I think--

- I don't have time. - You have to approach it there or anything. - Maybe another lie on top of that, you know what I mean? - Yeah, totally. You have to approach it that way, then,

which is, I know this is uncomfortable for you, and it's uncomfortable for me. - Yep. - Just put that discomfort on a table,

“'cause you have to acknowledge it, black or white, right?”

- Yep. And you know, you made a point five to a minute to go into conversation where you said, you know, you're a girl, man, you do what you want, you have a conversation with him,

and you know, sometimes it leads to arguments. We've been there, you know, it hasn't been in the last five, six years, but it's eight, eight, seven years ago when this all came forward and emotions were at the tip

and there's no obviously good settled in conversations,

then it's all screening and arguments,

“and, you know, almost fighting, and it's like,”

I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna fight my dad, I'm not gonna physically harm him or anybody, it's like talking to a wall. And I feel like we're like halfway still talking to a wall on a sense where we don't know what's the truth or not.

When I say, "I mean, my sister's in that right, "there's me in my two sisters." So, you know, nobody has a legit answer. You know, I also don't even know if my mom cares that this point to have an answer,

and, obviously, you know, after 35 years of marriage and you find this out, it's, you know, it's a, what the act I'd say, but, you know, it's the confusing part is, you know, if even if I do confront him, you know, I guess my original question is,

"How do you learn to trust again?" It's, "How do I know what you're even saying is truthful?" - Yeah, you know, here's the deal. - You don't. - You don't. - Right. - And my challenge to you

is to not do a bunch of psychological and emotional gymnastics to avoid grief. That gap between what you so desperately want to be true is that somewhere underneath it all your dad's a good man. And the reality that is, he might not be.

And the human body requires time spent in that gap, if it's true, and it requires sharing that with other people.

“That's why, like, man, I, I recommend writing letters so often.”

It's so important to speak that out, to acknowledge I wanted this to be true, and this is actually what is, in reality, it's hard, man. But it may be that you are making peace with,

I'm never gonna know my old man, and I hate that.

I'm gonna be sad about that for a long time, 'cause I would love to get to know him. And it might be that he'll indulge a deep, hard conversation. Probably not, but he might. But, know that forgiveness is different,

then re-establishing trust is different than wanting to stall, go back to the way it was, or to have some magical ending. All those are different things, and that makes it really complicated

when you just want to look at your old man and get him a hug and have him be on your side. He won't let that happen. Hey, this is for you, my brother. Thanks for the call, though.

Thanks for walking it through with me. I'm really grateful, dude. We come back and woman asks how to navigate differences with her anti-vax mom, without alienating her. Hey, what's up?

It's Deloni. We are in the last week of Lint, and whether you grew up with that tradition or you're just trying to get your head and your heart back on straight this season,

or something I want you to check out. It's called Hallow. It's the number one Christian prayer and meditation app

“in the world, and it's honestly one of the most important”

things I use almost every day to get my day rolling. Anchoring my day and prayer helps me slow down and prioritize what matters before the world takes everything from me. And right now, we're at the end of Lint,

like I said, we're doing the pray, 40 challenge. And if you've given something up for Lint and you are barely hanging on, or if you've been hearing about Lint for the last month and you just wanna learn what this whole thing is about,

this Lint challenge is for you. And Hallow is also loaded with daily reflections, scripture readings, music, and other special series to help you anchor your faith practice. Right now, you can try Hallow for free

for three months only through my link. Go to Hallow.com/deloni and sign up for free today. That's Hallow, HALOW.com/deloni for three months for free.

All right, winner is finally over.

No more ice storms, no more snow storms. Ah, spring is here. And that means it's time to rotate my closet. The poncho flannels are going to the back and the poncho originals in the ultra lights.

Boom, move forward. That's right, no matter what time of year it is, I still love wearing my poncho shirts. I've been wearing them for years because they're the best.

The original is that go anywhere performance shirt, lightweight, breathable, quick drying, built for real life. In the ultra light has the same great fit with an even lighter feel. And when it gets hot, like it does here in Tennessee,

that matters. poncho shirts also have that good stretch. They move with you and even though they're light and soft, I don't know how they do this, they are so tough. Here's the deal.

They even look sharp enough to wear the dinner

On the beach, while you're fishing in the woods, doing your work, everywhere. If warmer weather has you ready to reshuffle your closet, I want you to go to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and check out all of their styles.

Get 10 bucks off your first purchase.

Just sign up with your email. That's poncho, PO and CHO. ponchooutdoors.com/deloney. All right, let's go to Boise and talk to Renee. Hey, Renee, what's up?

Hi, Dr. John, how are you? I'm doing all right, how are you? I'm doing very well. Thank you for asking. It's pleasure to be on the show.

Yes, ma'am, it's a pleasure to be with you. What's up? Yeah, I just wanted to throw my question out there. How can I set boundaries with my antibiotics mom without alienating her?

Oh, you can't. You can't. I hate to tell you that.

That's not how boundaries work.

OK, interesting. Boundaries simply say, I'm establishing what is mine and what is yours. And in this situation, I'm assuming you are not anti-vaccine or you're not an anti-vaccine or you know there's more

new ones to this conversation, right? That's exactly it. Yeah, I was, I obviously grew up in her house,

“I believe I was actually injured as a kid.”

And it's a conversation that you have been in I have. It's been injured. That's a new one. OK, all right. I'm out of the loop on it.

OK, so you grew up in a home and you believe you've had some medical tolls based on getting vaccinated as a kid.

I believe I had an adverse reaction.

Gotcha. OK, gotcha. OK. But I also know that, yeah, there's more to it than the science that my mom believed in.

And you know, my husband is very-- he's very prone to modern medicine. And it's a conversation we have. And I just take my mom thinking she's part of the conversation, essentially.

OK, so a boundary simply says, as for me and my house. And then how you communicate that boundary with integrity and respect and kindness. And also whether a communicating the boundary can be heard, right?

I have a rule that I only speak if someone will listen. If I could be heard, if no one's going to-- if I can't be heard on a topic, it's why I don't talk about my political stances, because it can't be heard.

“I will, and with important people behind closed doors,”

I will with people who are making decisions. But I'm not just going to put out statements because they're not heard. All right. And so you get to decide what's your boundary.

And then the hard part is your mom can react, however she wants. And so she wants to choose alienation over a relationship. She gets to make that choice. And that's heartbreaking. But it might look like something like, hey, mom,

I've come to believe that there's a more complicated issue. And I fully know your stance. And so as of today, I want us to stop talking about vaccinations. I'm asking that of you.

And then she gets to choose whether-- I want to say this is my grandkids. I get a vote and all that kind of stuff. And then she can opt out with her language and/or her behavior. That I don't get to interact with my grandkids.

I don't get to interact with my son-in-law, because I'm making the choice to violate my daughter's boundaries. That's where I was scared of. The other side of this is, what is the true impact? Because we also have what I would call an epidemic

of young 20s and 30-year-olds cutting off their parents. Exactly.

“That's what I did something I do not want to do.”

It's something that one of my siblings has done already. OK. So some of it is just choosing to tolerate like parents. We put it this way. Maybe your mom really, really, and her guts believe she's right.

Oh, 100%. I could totally guarantee you that. OK, I would hope that if she saw her daughter and her grandkids in harm's way, if a truck was coming at them, that she would do everything she could to get jealous attention.

And so it may be, mom, I got it. I don't want to talk about this anymore. And then having three or four other things for you all to talk about. And knowing there is sometimes when you're dealing

with your aging parents, they're going to give you advice

may sound like nonsense to you.

And sometimes the nonsense is correct. Like, live on less than you make. And we're like, no, that's stupid, mom. You're so old school, and she's right. And then maybe there's miniature robots in the vaccines

that are taking over our, like, right, there could be that, too. Right. And so some of it can be nonsense. But I guess it depends on how much you want to internalize what she's saying.

Mm. Yeah, I mean, kind of the reason I wanted to call too is because I wasn't sure how much about this was just about the actual issue at hand or how much of this was just for behavior in general.

Like, I don't know if they could have been, if it was any other issue that she disagreed on that my husband were to adopt. For example, like, you know, obviously my mom's question and my husband and I are Christians too,

but if my husband wasn't a Christian

and I married him, which she had the same behavior where she's like sending videos to me.

“Like being like, this is how you should think.”

And she takes my husband out of the equation, which is the hard part. If she didn't like confront him directly, she'll just like, you know, text me and then, I don't know what she seems I should do.

Like, convert him to her side. Like, I don't. Well, hey, she's probably not thinking about him at all. (sighs) Oh, that's what.

Or be. She's trying to divide y'all up. Either way is insulting. I don't understand. But also, can you just delete her text

when she sends in in videos? - Yes, I'll report shortly to report on what I learned stuff.

And I'm like, I didn't watch it.

- Yeah, but yeah, or no, or no, thank you. Like, you know, you'll have, like, you're not my college professor. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not gonna report back to you

'cause I don't watch 'em. How old are you? - We're 23. - Okay. - A lot of this is age and wisdom related.

Meaning, your skin gets thicker as you get older. What I don't want to have happen is there be a line crossed where you snap and you make a reactive decision to something that could have been a more controlled burn.

Does that make sense? - 100%. - Like, she's gonna send a video or send you an email or text you, your husband is a bad person or he's trying to,

you know, impregnate your kids with aliens via, you know, polio vaccine or what? Like, who knows what that guy's got to go. So, right, well, she's gonna send. But they'll come a line that you can't come back from.

That may have been avoided with some pretty clear boundaries up front. Hey, my mom, I'm tired of these conversations. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, it's good to know.

'Cause I'm going on a trip with her. I mean, we're in college at the end of the semester. She's taking me to, on a trip. And I noticed that when she kind of gets me without my husband's not going, obviously.

“And so, I mean, that's what I was wanting to call to,”

'cause I was like, I need to... - Well, it's a very firm boundary. Firm boundary. On, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not talking negative about my husband.

He's amazing. And you could put an end to that and I would expect you to practice putting an end to that one. You're not going to change your mind. Don't conspiracy theories or anti-this

or you're not going to change your mind on that. But I draw a hard line like, hey, I'm not participating and running down my husband period. That conversation's over. - Yes, sir. - And that's a hard one.

You know what I'm getting? I'm saying, like, that's a hard one. 'Cause that gets real personal real fast. Does she not like him? - I thought she did, but yeah, pretty early on

in our relationship, she would, like, she said, "Read this book by this guy." You know, it was like, Angel Wakefield wrote it or something. - Sure. - And, yeah, I mean, he did it.

Like, that's why I love him so much 'cause he, you know, he's like, I believe what I believe and I don't think that anything in Mom's gonna send me is gonna change that.

So, I'll humor her. And, like, I don't know if that's leading her on. I don't know if she's like, oh, perfect. Then he'll be on my side or something, but I just really appreciate

that he doesn't get defensive, just like, no, get that crap away from me, but it's obviously he read it and was like, this is... - Sure, and, like, I regularly, regularly engage

“with opposing opinions for what I believe.”

- Mm. - That's like, that's a way of life for me. - Well, obviously 'cause I went into my relationship not quite aligned with him. Like, we, we hashed it out.

We've had these conversations but you're in the talk. - Wanna learn new things, yeah, yeah. - I don't wanna, I wanna stress test that what I believe to be true.

And I thought it was, I just, I was not naive and dumb,

but all I have to say is, yeah, I mean,

“I'll have different opinions with people,”

I'll have different beliefs with people. I've got close friends that I argue with vehemently on different issues. But anybody who's gonna run down my wife will not be in my life period.

They're not gonna be in my circle. They're not gonna be around me and I'm not gonna be around them. And so, I hope you can see the difference there. There's some, there's some significant differences there.

And, and that goes for anybody. And I'm really anti-cutting everybody off just 'cause they disagree with you or 'cause they're annoying or whatever. But, I'm not gonna be around people.

Anybody who's gonna run my wife down.

She's too important to me and too awesome. And my family's made it very clear that if there was ever a lift between me and my wife, they're team her all the way. And I would be out on my own.

Kelly has even told me that too. So, there's that. So, man, best of luck to you Renee. Boundaries, you're yours. And you can't control how the people are gonna react to 'em.

“And that's what makes 'em so challenging.”

We come back, a man asks how to step boundaries with his mother-in-law and her boyfriend. Yikes. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Financial stress does not just damage our bank accounts.

It can also take a toll on our mental health, our emotional health, and our relationships. Money worries cause anxiety and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples.

I know this personally, my wife and I struggled four years because of financial stress. Listen, therapy can help even with money. Therapy is not about financial advice, but it can help you build healthier ways of coping

and give you strategies to communicate about money without more fighting. To do all of this, check out my friends at Better Help. Better Help is an online therapy platform that matches you with the licensed therapist

based on your goals and preferences. Better Help Therapist work according to a strict code of conduct and they are fully licensed in the United States. You can message your therapist

in schedule sessions right in the platform.

And if the first therapist isn't the right fit,

you can switch it anytime for no additional cost. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's [email protected]/deloney. All right, Phoenix, Arizona, let's talk to Colin.

Hey Colin, what's up, dude? - Doing well, how are you, John? - I'm good, brother. What's going on, man? - Um, yeah, I'm calling 'cause it's more specifically relating to my kids than anything,

but just how the boundaries with, like, my butt, and have the conversation of my mother-in-law regarding when she comes into town to visit with her boyfriend. - What do you want to communicate to her? - I mean, just like when it comes to things like,

so like, she's had a couple long-term boyfriend as well before that they broke up. And now she's got another boyfriend that she's mentioned about coming to visit town. - Not around my kids. - Like, when it, no.

- No. - Yeah, I agree. And it's other things, like, it's not just, I mean, we lived thousands of miles apart, so it's hard to say, you can't, like, do we say, you can't visit it?

“All do you say if they visit, you have to be in a separate”

hotel room, like, how, how do we, what do we do? - Well, I think this is a conversation for your wife to have with her mom. - Yeah. - And we're both in agreement on that. - Yeah, I mean, I, I would start there.

You, you trying to, to step over your wife to talk to her mom, cause all kinds of other issues, I think. But being aligned with her is important. I think it's as clear as we're very careful who our kids are around.

And I know that you're dating somebody new. I'm not gonna have a strange man in my home with my kids. We'd love for you to come visit. If you wanna come visit and stay with us, that's awesome. If you all wanna come stay in a hotel, that's great,

and you can come over. But I don't know this guy. I, you haven't known him very long, and I am drawing a line on this one. And in that conversation ends.

- At what point though, I mean, it can't just end there forever, though, right? Like, if they're, like, what, what point? - When it comes to what, with, with the way I understand boyfriend data,

it's stepparent data and childhood abuse. If that was to be, if that was in my situation, if my dad passed away on my mom started dating somebody new. A, that would be crazy, 'cause she's 75 or 76,

Nobody's coming around my daughter, or on my son.

Until I've met with him, probably had lunch with him several times by myself, before I've looked him in the eye and asked him pretty hard questions, like, I, I do that, it's don't give a crap about that kind of stuff. Like, I have no qualms.

In any, any man worth his salt, worth his character, would fully respect me as a dad of a young kid, asking hard probing questions to a strange man who I'm giving access to my house. - Okay, in any man who throws a temper tantrum,

how dare you, you don't, to bro, you just prove to me, well, I don't want you're on my kids. - And I guess by other follow-up to that would be then what happens as we live, literally thousands of miles apart. - I don't understand the question.

- So how do I, so like, having, like, your, these conversations,

“which again, I think my wife and I are both,”

in a, which we are both in alignment on it, but we, we see, we only see each other, like, we only, we don't really see them on a regular basis enough to like have that type of conversation. - Yeah, I mean, ideally it's in person,

but you all have to have this over the phone. Or Vizzo. - Okay. - And again, it's needed to be a daughter calls her mom conversation. - Okay. - And,

and one of two things will hire, one of three things will happen, one they'll fully respect it and in her mom will be like, "You know, I totally understand, awesome. I appreciate y'all taking care of my grandkids in that way."

That probably isn't gonna happen, or you wouldn't be calling me. The second one is, she'll say screw you

“that I'm not coming and y'all will have to deal”

with that reality, which will be heartbreaking, and that will blow up your picture of your kids having an awesome grandwall. Or they will bomb you, they'll show up anyway. And I've personally had this happen.

People will show up at your door, and be like, "I dare you to hold your own boundary." What are you gonna do, send us away?

- And the answer is, yep.

And so, that's one of three things that's gonna happen. My hope is, with all my guts, my hope is that it's number one. - Okay, and then can I ask like a further along question, which is kind of more what we're trying to find, like would be another thing would follow up.

What about when it comes to like, let's say one happens, we have the conversations, everything's going great, going good.

“But, and it's probably just the similar conversation”

where you said, but more relating to just how they interact with each other in our house. Like basically, I mean, like my wife and I didn't live with each other until we were married, but they're just sharing the room and stuff like that.

- I mean, y'all get to make that for their kids. - You get to choose what you want. - Okay. - And I think the challenge here is having the courage to treat your values

with dignity and respect. The same dignity and respect you're hoping other people treat them, which is I'm gonna clearly communicate these and I'm gonna accept any ramifications for these, but these are important.

And so, if grandma and her boyfriend, the idea of them coming out of a shared bedroom in front of your children, is something that makes you uncomfortable, then on behalf of your children, and behalf of your values, say that clearly.

Hey, y'all aren't married, and that's a big deal to us that we model out for the kids, and so we've got y'all hotel room over here at this place, or we can set up the couch for bill the boyfriend. But even then, I don't want him staying in the night

of my house anyway. - Yeah. - Okay, and I know all of this is hard, especially when there is an un, what I'll call an uncaring, aging parent here, who is forcing this type of stuff

on her children and her grandchildren. That makes that break some heart for you. 'Cause in a perfect world, let's just play this out, in a perfect world, mother-in-law would say, I'm bringing boyfriend in, and we're gonna stay at a hotel.

I'm gonna come take you guys to dinner. I know y'all don't know him, I'd love y'all to meet him, but I'm gonna be with the grandkids on my own, and she wouldn't put y'all in these kind of situations.

But if I deal worked out, I wouldn't have a job. So there's that, right? A lot of it is gonna be you and your wife grieving the fact that you'll have a picture that your kids

would have this amazing grandparent experience

that's probably not gonna happen.

“- And I think the other tough thing is just us having,”

like, if, and it's a weird situation at the end, but it's easy to have the conversation with your kids saying, I'm not gonna share better and with your boyfriend, the harder conversation, as tell your parent, tell your parent the opposite thing too.

- It is, except, my pushback to that would be as a acknowledge you're right. It's easier to tell a kid that has to do what you say what to do. - But if your value can't be expressed

to somebody who, it's gonna have a cost to it, then it's not really a value worth expressing. - Sure. - Okay, I'm gonna call it a sentence. - And so, it becomes a stress test for your value.

You'll really care that much. Or is it just like a platitude? And if it's just a platitude, like, laughingly own that. - Oh man, this is like a big hill to die on, but it's like not really a big deal.

- Yeah. - You wanna mean? - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, I'll make sense.

“- So, I, or, no, no, we're dying on this hill.”

I don't want this in my kids' head. And I'll tell you, like, as I've gotten older, those hills have gotten far fewer. And, in fact, I've shifted many of, much of my thinking too, I want my kids to actually

see stuff with their own eyes while they live in my house. So that, we can talk about it while they're here.

I don't want them to encounter this their first time

when they're on their own. And all they have is some AI companion to ask, is this, like, what do you think about this? Or, they have they lived experience in, with 21-year-old wisdom or 20-year-old wisdom

or 25-year-old wisdom, which doesn't have context to it. And so, like, there's a parade of characters in my house all the time. And I want them to see and meet people and be like, oh, my dad and my mom are hospitable,

and my dad and mom have all kinds of wacky friends. And Dad says that this, I heard Dad tell one of his buddies, like, I don't like XYZ. Dad tell me about that. I want him to ask those questions while I'm there.

I want my daughter to ask those questions while I'm there. I'm the one, she's there. That makes sense. So, I mean, it, but all to say is, my beliefs about those kinds of things have shaped,

changed and morphed over time. And so, you might draw a line and die on this hill and then change it in five years. That's great. That's all good.

“What matters is we felt it was important today.”

And we knew the cost associated with that value. Okay. But none of this is easy, man. None of it, dude. Sorry.

I hate it for you. Now, it's something we've talked about and discussed and it's just, I mean, it's sometimes nice living far away from family and this is in other times it makes things more difficult.

This is one of the situations where it's much more difficult and just send them away or anything like that. Right, they're in town, they're in town. Yeah. Vice versa, it's tough, going to see family members

and getting hotels instead of staying with them. Yep, right? That's hard too. Yep. Yep.

And it can be expensive and it can be all those things. And I'm not gonna put my young daughters or my young sons in a home with a strange man that I don't know. And that's a, it's a hard place to find yourself. Okay, all right, well, I thank you for taking the time.

Of course, man, hope I haven't made things worse for you, brother. No, definitely not, just like I said, my life and I are pretty aligned on this and we just kind of wanted to talk it through and get it just an outside opinion on it.

Yeah, I mean, it's one thing to discuss, walking through mortorts, another thing to be heading off into. So yeah, the journey ahead of you is hard and holding a boundaries is hard, especially when it's gonna cost you things like relationships.

And my hope is that everybody's mature and understands.

But that's just not always the case.

We'll be right back. If you come over to my house, you're gonna find that it's filled with all kinds of amazing stuff, guitar stuff, hunting stuff,

that my house is loaded with cozy earth gear. Their sheets, pajamas, blankets, towels. We've got it all, why? 'Cause it's incredible. I got a cozy earth comforter and it's big,

but somehow it's not hot or heavy, it's amazing, it's like sleeping under a cloud. It helps regulate temperatures so I stay comfortable throughout the night and I sleep better and wake up feeling roast stored.

“And I got these cozy earth essential socks.”

I'm not a sock guy, but I am now

cozy earth essential socks come in four links

and they're all super comfortable. Don't forget, cozy earth offers a hundred night sleep trial on bedding and a tinier warranty on everything else. So there's no risk to load up your house with cozy earth gear.

Go to cozy earth.com/deloney and use code deloney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozy, COZY, cozy earth.com/deloney and use code deloney. If you get a post purchase survey,

let 'em know you heard about COZY earth right here. Trust me, you're gonna love COZY earth taking over your home like it's taken over mine.

All right, hey, I want to take a second to talk about

“my brand new microhabits for your marriage app.”

It's called Together. It's in the Apple Store, the App Store. Is that what they call it, Kelly? That with the the techno kid's call. - Kids these days, yes, they call it the App Store

or you can go to our show notes below and click a link and it'll take you to landing page, it'll answer about two questions. - Gotcha. - And then take you directly to the answer.

- All right, so it's six bucks a month. It's five, nine, nine, a month. For you, if you do it in one player mode and I know that people are married

and their spouses would never download an app

to help improve their marriage. I know that, I know that.

“And so we created it to where you can do it by yourself”

or you can bring your spouse on and the price doesn't change. We don't charge you double, it's just the same. And these are micro habits for your life and your marriage that unlock new challenges over time

and continue to give you small nudges back towards each other. Sometimes it is something like a 30 second hug put your phone away. Sometimes it is right a note and stick it on the mirror.

Sometimes, and these are small tiny things. Like this is so dumb, why are we doing this? We've just, I mean, you gotta trust me. You gotta trust me. And then sometimes it's big stuff like plan a conversation

about this and here's the talking points. And sometimes it is plan a breakfast getaway. We're gonna interact about these five things. Or here is some sex intimacy challenges or what it like.

So it's got everything you can imagine. But the idea is slow, daily, micro habits that bring you and your spouse away from the drift back towards each other into the same boat moving in the same direction.

I love it. And thousands and thousands of people have downloaded it. They're using it. It's awesome. And I want you to go check it out.

Go to the App Store and download it. It's called "Together" by Dr. John Deloni. And Android people, we got you. We have an engineer working on it right this second. Literally.

Just take 30 or 40% off. We'll get it. (upbeat music)