How to Respond When Someone Hurts Your Feelings, says “I was just joking,” or is Passive-Aggressive w/Jefferson Fisher

I was just joking, but actually, they really hurt your feelings.

We've all had someone say something hurtful or passive and aggressive and then followed up by, I was just joking, "Oh, I was just joking."

“And today we're learning the secret tips and tools on how to handle this in a way that”

helps instead of hurts our relationships. So, back by, popular demand, communication, beat-off, and trial attorney, Jefferson Fisher is here to talk with you in me today about how we handle this the right way and avoid handling it the wrong way and how it impacts all areas of our lives. Jefferson Fisher is a trial lawyer, a fifth generation award-winning attorney, writer,

and speaker. His work has gained him millions of followers all over the world through short, simple, and practical social media videos teaching people how to argue less and talk more. Whether it's handling a heated conversation, dealing with a difficult personality or standing your ground with confidence, Jefferson helps you communicate during life's everyday

arguments and conversations, and his brand-new book called "The Next Conversation." Argue less. Talk more is out now. Jefferson says, "We can change everything about your life by what you say next." And you and I are in for a treat because Jefferson has stepped away from his busy legal practice.

He got on an airplane, he flew here to be with you and me today. Whether you're listening for yourself or because someone that you love shared this episode with you, I want to welcome you to the Jamie Kernley Michelle podcast family.

“Remember this episode is not just for you and me, please share this with every single person”

you know because it can change their life too. Before we jump into this episode, I'd be so grateful if you take two seconds to click on the follow or subscribe button on the app you're listening or watching the podcast on. It'll help you because you're going to be the very first to get the episodes and it's going to help the show because by you following it, it's more likely to be promoted to others

to discover.

And if you leave a five star review, that would be even more amazing and just thank you so much. This is our show together and it truly means so much to me.

Jamie Kernley Michelle. Jamie Kernley Michelle. Jamie Kernley Michelle. Jamie Kernley Michelle. Thank you so much for having me, Jamie. I'm honored to be here. I'm so excited you're here. Wow. What has happened with you, with your advice, with your videos, it has become a phenomenon. Thank you. Very sweet. Thank you. Yeah. It's truly been a blessing and right now I'm just holding on. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm excited so much to dive into today. We've all had, we've all had somebody say something that was like hurtful

or massive aggressive and then they followed up by, I was just joking and somebody of us don't know how to handle that the right way. It can cause issues and friendships and relationships. I know we can handle it wrong or we can handle it right and so Jefferson when someone says, you know, I was just joking. Yeah. How do you process that? How do you handle it? How do you not blow up a relationship or harbor resentment because of it? Yeah. What you don't do is let it go once somebody's, yeah.

Don't let it go. Because you know so many of us, we let it go and we'll we'll be buried inside. You got it. But on the outside. You're carrying it. Yeah. They just gave you something to carry. It's all they did whenever you don't speak up for things like that because they will do it again. But when you speak it out and when you call it out, you don't let it go. You're telling them, this is not going to fly with me if you do this again. Let me give you some responses to that.

At least I'm just joking. Some of my favorite are one to look them just, and this is where a breath comes in the place right when you're able to have that conversational breath. You just kind of take a moment. You say, hey, look, I'm just joking. It's then be funnier. Then be funnier. Another like is that you need to find new material. Or you need to work on your material.

“So it all depends on that personality. Even if you were to say, what do you need to work?”

Let's work on your material. That's a very almost humorous way to say it. Now that's not going

to fly. I'm going to break this down for a second because this happens to somebody

of us all the time. It could be a colleague that says something. It could be our partner. It could be a family member, a friend, another mom at school, whatever. They say something,

thinking about it. You harbor it. Like you said, you hold onto it. So the first thing you're saying

“before you even react, your first reaction is a breath, a conversational breath.”

Is it worth my time? Is it worth my time? Just take us through that. Take us through

for anyone hearing about this concept for the very first time. Okay, because this is so powerful,

you guys. I don't want you to hear this book. Okay, take a breath. Got it. No, no, no, no. This is like legit changes the chemistry in your body. It gives you your power back. Okay. And how you handle situations, whether it's your partner at home or your friend or your, you know, in law, or that person that does not like you no matter what you do, whatever it is, the power of a breath right after something like this happens. Can you explain? Yes. Okay. If a person hearing this for the

very first time, what does that mean? A conversational breath or just injecting breath into your Senate so that your breath be the first word that you take. You are using the power of what

“they call physiological sigh. And you do it like this. You're ready. You're going to take two seconds in,”

then one second at the top. And then about six seconds of exhale. And you can do it all just right

there and nasal breathing in your nose. And I know. Yes, because two seconds in, one at the top. Another one at the top. And then if you can, six seconds, five to six seconds of exhale. And what it's doing is it's giving you the effects of a sigh that's going to calm you down. If you listen to this and you did it with this, I can almost guarantee you feel calmer and more at peace than you did before you did this. And what it does is it injects you with the choice. The choice to

understand is this worth my time? The choice to make sure that is this who I want to give my time to. Is this person worth me getting out of my chair for to stand my ground? Who does this person

to me? It gives you some time to think about. I have your analytical side working. I get emotionally

“flooded in that moment. And what I love about when somebody says, I was just joking.”

Depends on if it's somebody. It's a total stranger to you. Somebody who is a work associate or somebody is a friend to you. But it's as easy as saying, oh, it doesn't sound like a joke. It sounds like an issue. That's as a different context to it than be funnier or let's work on your material. It just depends on who you're talking to. If you're talking to your mother-in-law, you might use, let's work on that material. That's a little bit kinder. Or if it's somebody's

being passive aggressive at work and they go, oh, I was just joking. It didn't sound like a joke, it sounded like an issue. I mean, whenever you were using that, what you're telling them is this, I was just joking stuff. Isn't going to fly with me? So don't do it again. That's the message you're sending whenever you call it out like that. But then be funnier. It's a packs of punch every time. Okay. And so when we take a deep, we take a conversation or rest. You in through our nose,

one at the top and then out for six, it gives us our power so we can make a decision of the full decision on what we want to say versus just reacting or internalizing it or anything else. And then letting them know, you're saying, don't leave it. Like, don't leave it. You want to let them know. And I love that you're giving us tools to put in our toolbox, right? That we can pull them out. And we know exactly what to say. When somebody says those things. And now when you say that,

what happens then, if they're like, oh, no, no, no, I was just kidding. Oh, don't take it so seriously. Oh, what if they get defensive? What if, you know, it goes into a whole thing or then they just kind of like, how, how, how should you handle it after you tell them clearly? Like, well, get better material. Yeah. Well, we'll be funnier then. How do you handle it then afterwards if they don't know how to handle it? Yeah. Are you saying that? What's the next conversation? How do you handle it next? Yes.

And it's going to depend greatly on context. But the biggest thing is when you're making sure you keep that conversational breath and you're staying engaged and your logic side is dialed in to focus 10. You can get real curious and start asking more questions. So if you say then, then be funnier and they go, well, well, I mean, look, sorry, I was just doing x, y and z. And they go, okay, I was letting you know it didn't sound like a joke to me. You're having that next conversation

of is this something that we need to talk about or I'm happy to go deeper on this with you. Often they're going to start just backpilling. No, no, no, no, no. And that happens, you let them go. So it's it's part of the boundary setting. You're you're letting them go. You let them know, hey, you, uh, that offense that's around my property here. Yeah, you started to step into that. Oh, okay, you didn't mean to. That's no problem. See you later. And you're just kind of letting them

Is that controlled sense of, I know where my line is. I know where the perimeter is. And now you do too.

“And now there's so much less life that I keep doing it, right? Because a lot of people just keep”

doing it over and over and over. What happens in a group setting? You know, you're around a group of people and somebody does it. And they're like, oh, I was just joking. How do you respond in that moment? Like, what are a couple good things to say? And maybe maybe those fits? Like, oh, get better material. Or, you know, what do you do? What do you say when someone does that, they'd be little you or, um, or they'd just say, oh, I was just joking. And you do that. And it was hurtful.

And it's in front of everyone else. There's so much more coming up in this episode. You are

not going to want to miss it. But first, I wanted to share this with you. In life, you don't

sort the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self worth.

“When you build yourself worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book,”

worthy, how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, worthy is for you. In worthy, you'll learn proven tools and it's simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your

hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you are born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt

and unshakable self worth. Get your copy of worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts

“for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you do if you fully”

believed in you. It's time to find out with worthy. Imagine what would you do if you fully believed in you. My weekly free inspirational newsletter is packed with tips and tools to help you find out. It's called One On One with Jamie and it's delivered right to your inbox each Tuesday morning. It's a love letter from me to you, from my soul to yours and I hope it brings you the words and messages you need at just the right moment. Plus when you're part of my free inspirational

newsletter community, you'll be the first to get behind-the-scenes content, inspirational messages and be the first to learn about upcoming events and more. It's the place to be and I sure hope you'll join me there. So if you're not on list yet, you can sign it for free at JamieCurnleyma.com or click the link in the show notes below and here's to becoming unstoppable together.

And now more of this incredible conversation together. What do you say when someone

does that, they belittle you or are they just say, I was just joking and you do that and it was hurtful and it's the front of everyone else. Well, pausing, I know we've been talking about, it's the power of the pause. Not only does the conversation of breath control you, it naturally injects a pause into it and so when somebody says something that's hurtful, it can be as easy as don't be so sensitive or I was just joking or maybe they really said

something to a backhand compliment or they put you down in front of other people. Yeah. Imagine wearing a group setting. There's a lot of people and maybe you're part of the crowd and somebody says something to me that's hurtful. And instead of going and reacting to that, I'm like, I can't believe you, oh my gosh, and having this big emotional reaction, you just have that pause that's given by the breath and you just let their words fall to the

ground. Now there's just silence. Now everybody feels uncomfortable. So everybody is now as going to share, they're not going to be looking at you. They're going to be looking at the person who said it because when you give that pause or you ask questions of intent, which is deep into what I go into the book on saying things with assertiveness, handling just these specific questions. When you can ask questions like, did you mean to say that out loud? Now the spotlight's not on you.

That's right back at them. And so every time they say something hurtful, they're wanting the dopamine. They're wanting that response from you. They feel that control that they get.

and so. And when you can, other people laugh, yes, they do. Right. And when you can

let that just fall as if you're like, if you said something to hurtful to me, and instead I instead of catching it, Jamie, instead of me catching it and throwing it back, which is what so many people do. They grab onto it. I got to do something with it. I have to hit it back over the net. I have to send it right back to them. Instead, you just have to choice, you throw a pitch, let it go by. There's things called balls and strikes. It's a bad pitch. You don't have to swing

at it. You don't have to hit it back over the net. You just let their words fall to the ground. Which allows you to, in that moment, which is given to you by the breath that pause to say,

“this is the message you're sending when you pause like that to say, is sure that's what you”

you want in to say. There's a power in just letting their words sit there. Because often,

when you don't say anything, people will say, they'll go, oh, I mean, what I meant to say was, or they'll apologize before they even say anything. I'm sorry that was, I shouldn't have said that. The pause says it for you without you having to say anything. But when you use questions of what I call intent, our questions of purpose, or were you wanting to embarrass me? Did you say that to embarrass me? All sudden, Spotlight goes, oh, right back to the other person. And now they're going to start

feeling the heat. And now it's the peer pressure that they're going to be feeling of, yeah, you said something you shouldn't have. I've said, or what I also encourage people to do when you're in that group setting, get the other people involved. And you're using words like, we are did y'all. I mean, I'm from Texas. So y'all's going to be what I said. But if somebody says something hurtful, you could easily say, did y'all hear what I heard? That right there is going to call

“attention real quickly, not to you, but to the other person. And so I think there is a way that”

you can use your words to embolden the group, which they're trying to use to switch over to your side, to saying what you just said was not acceptable. Two things that you just said are such good tools, because I think we so often just play back. So when throws that at us, we don't let the ball drop. We think, oh, I've got to hit back. You've got to catch it. I've got to swing out it. I've got it. I've got to, you know, and it bit, but then you take it on and you're carrying it. Yeah. And

you're saying, let it drop. Yeah. And you take your breath. And then, and then the pause. And this is big. And I know your new book, the next conversation with Jefferson Fisher, again, so good to read it. Cover to cover. And this idea of the pause is going to be hearing this for the first time right now as we say this, as you're talking about it. And it might just seem like, oh,

“yeah, pause. I get pause. I pause on the, whatever, no, no, no, the pause. I find it personally”

Jefferson. I find pausing and just letting there be, is one of the hardest things to deal. It is hard. It's from the hardest things to do, but it is so powerful. It feels so good. Oh, my gosh. And also, like, everyone, okay, so listening to me in Jefferson right now, think about this. When's the last time you had a conversation with somebody, or we're in a room with people or in a meeting. And

there was all of a sudden just like silence or pause. They're almost never is. And when there is

med conversation. Yeah. People listen. They listen. They listen. And it's just, and you're emotions, even when you look at someone in the eye. And if you're not talking, and it's just like that pause. I mean, you, you, it's such a thing. And so you're saying leverage that because this is huge, okay, because everyone. And if you're listening to us and you're like, yeah, I have this happening to me all the time. These persons said that person who, you know, and you're taking it on,

that's not good. That's not good. And you can start applying this right now by not by just letting the ball drop, taking your breath, doing the pause. And then, you know, either saying something back, if it's a one-on-one or involving even the group, that sort of like you said, draws that line in the sand, like, you know, that this is your boundary. And, and and then they backpedal. Like that's the thing that happens. That pause. Right. Because I'm thinking

to times whenever that's happening in communications that I've had. And if you just pause, it almost gives that person like, oh, oh, crap. Yeah. And then they start backpedaling. And then they almost apologize before it even happened. They start filling in that space for you. Yeah, this is so good because so many people, Jefferson, they keep heading back and, and it becomes this multi-year-long thing. There's, there's friend groups where, you know, picking on each other,

sort of a thing that just happens. But maybe not everyone likes it. And maybe everyone's taking it on and it hurts them. And they're just burying it or it's happening in families. They go to

they're just joking and did it, and the next year it's the same and the next year it's the same.

“These are tools right now that shift the dynamic and give you your power. Oh, yeah. And you always”

keep it. When somebody's saying something hurtful to you, what's more powerful? Who's the more

control person? If somebody says something hurtful, and I go, me, what about you? And I thought it right back at them. I come back with that zinger. That's one way or they say something hurtful, and I let it fall to the ground, putting my breath in place and having that pause and asking a question, like, did you say that to be hurtful? Did you want that to hurt? Now is a totally different dynamic. I have responded to their comment without responding to it. I just asked them to

audit what they did. I'm not using my words as a mirror for them, so they can hear exactly what they said. Like, in this kind of plan, not only in the workplace, but also at home, like my daughter,

“she hates for her hair to be combed. Hey, it's always a fight. But when I was like,”

Rue, I need you to, it's time to do your hair, and she does that. Okay. She knows it's not appropriate behavior. Instead of getting upset, getting mad, I just looked at her, and just was silent, without me saying anything. She goes, sorry. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that silence is, I didn't have to do anything. And so often, that's the whole point is just because they threw something at you. You get the entire choice of catching it, because what happens is

people will catch it and they'll hold on to it for years. There are people that are listening right now that you're holding something that you caught when you were five years old, when you were 10 years old at school, the Mean Girl at school said this and you are still holding onto it. They said somebody said something to you in junior high, that hurt your feeling, that said something about your hair or your weight or your size, and you've held onto it forever.

And the whole point of what we're saying here is the pause of that of knowing where you are, to let that go. You don't need to carry any of it. The same power you have that allow you to catch it. You, everybody has the same power to let it go. So good. So good. And you know, there's going to be so many people who are hearing this for the first time, realizing they're still holding that thing in their body, right? And if we don't learn how to not catch that thing,

not catch the ball, let it drop. Like, it just keeps stacking and sacking. This is so huge. It's so, so good. And it's going to change so many lives today. It already has mine. I'm already thinking about the ways I'm going to apply this right now. I'm so grateful for these tools.

“Remember, this episode is not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person you”

know because it can change their life too. Make sure to pick up Jefferson's new book, the next conversation. Are you less? Talk more. And check out his brand new Jefferson Fisher School of Communication. We'll link it in the show notes. And if you love today's episode too, well, my only ask is you please click on the follow or subscribe button for the show on the app that you're listening or watching it on, then give it a five-star review and then share this

episode with everyone you believe in. Share it with another person in your life who can benefit from it, post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words

and tools and lessons in this episode today. You never know whose life your meant to change today

by sharing this episode. Just thank you so much for joining me. And before you go, I wanted to share some words with you that couldn't be more true. You right now exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes. You're wildest dreams and all the unconditional love in the world. It's an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kremlin show. And here, I hope you'll come as you are and heal where you need. Blossom, what you choose, journey towards

your calling and stay as long as you like because you belong here. You are worthy, you are loved, you are love and I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode of the Jamie Kremlin show. Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit.

The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful and when you learn to take control

for you if this is something that can benefit your life. It's called five ways to overcome negative

self-talk and build self-love. And it's a free, how-to-guide to overcome that negative self-talk to build confidence and develop unshakable self-love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals. Don't let self-sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life when filled with self-love, resilience and unwavering belief. If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence and empower

yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to stop overthinking and learn to trust yourself at Jamie Kremlin.com/resources or click the link in the show notes below.

“Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief.”

And I'd love to hang out with you even more especially if you can use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you, delivered straight to your inbox from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to Jamie Kremlin.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one on one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing

the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl. Subscribe at Jamie Kremlin.com or in the link in the show notes. I am so excited for this book, you know what? Because it's going to save so it's been so cool. We're the you're beautiful but we're the get this book. This book I'm telling you it's a book that can change anybody's life.

Who picks it up? Anybody who's ever felt that they were not good enough didn't measure

uh something's missing in your life. I've to tell you it's powerful. It's happening.

“It's worth it. Imagine what would you do if you fully believe in you?”

I went from struggling waitress facing nonstop projection to found your of it cosmetics a billion dollar company by learning how to overcome self-doubt and believe I'm worthy of my hopes and dreams and I'm sharing how you can tune my new book worthy how to believe you are enough and transform your life. If you're ready to truly trust yourself and break through that barrier of self-doubt and know that where you come from or even where you are right now

doesn't determine where you're going then worthy is for you. It's time to go from doubting your enough to knowing your enough. It's time to step into all of who you are and into the person you were bored to be and it's time to believe that you are worthy of it because in life we don't

“become what we want. We become what we believe we're worthy of it. Join the worthy movement today”

by grabbing your copy of worthy anywhere books are sold and head to worthybook.com now for free gifts including my five part course on becoming unstoppable and my 95 page worthy workbook action plan that teaches you how to implement the tools from the book into your real life right now. Where the is groundbreaking. Y'all, thank you, thank you, I'm worthy. It's time to finish my entire lives. This book literally will teach you how to actually

for worthy so that you can have the strength you can have the confidence. The lessons in this book

and the strategies will change your life. You will never be the same again if you read this book.

Jamie's book worthy is a must read. It is going to inspire you, empower you, give you the hope that you need and the kick in the rear end that you deserve. Jamie's book worthy is incredible. The gifts are going away but they're off for you right now on worthybook.com. It's such an honor to share this podcast together with you and please note, I'm not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a

physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.