3 Ways You’re Weakening Your Message Without Knowing It

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Jefferson.supercast.com or you can check the link in the description below to join. All right, let's get into it. The top three mistakes that I see communicators make are one that use absolutes,

the always and the neighbors too. They overexplain their words in three. They find a way

to not take control of the first seven seconds of the conversation. Without those seven seconds, everything else does not fall into place. This is the Jefferson Fisher podcast you know what it is if you're listening and is a good content for you. If you want just please press the subscribe button means a lot to me, my family and tells wherever you're listening, this is good content. I want to get right into it. So number one, if you don't want to make this mistake, it's very simple, but it's also

very hard. Absolute. You know what it's like when you're in conversation with people or let's better yet an argument with somebody. Probably somebody you're very close with. I might be married

to. I might be in a relationship with and they use this word out here. Always. Usually there's

something that comes right before it and it's the word you. You always. You never. They're generally not positive statements. If I had to guess the only time you hear those is in some kind of negative conversation meaning the other person's using these words with a downward, mad, angry, frustrated, disappointed expression on their face. You never listen to me. You always say this. You never care and it should just send sirens off in your brain. That is one of the number

one mistakes that I see communicators make if they're trying to actually have productive, efficient, successful communication is a use the absolutes, the extremes. When in reality, we both know that's not true and really the other person knows it's not true. They know it too. It just feels better to say it. It feels better to use the absolutes. Let's play it out for a second. Let's say you and I are in a conversation and I'm in an argument with you and I say it is just like you always

say this. You every time you come in you always say you never do anything that I ask you never pick

up around here. You never do this. You never, you always want to be the first to do those words,

those absolutes. They create a lot of friction in the conversation because the conversation is no longer about the issue. It is now about the accuracy. It's no longer about the thing you are first originally talking about the what's beneath that all. Instead, it's now about the accuracy of somebody's statement.

“That's what happens to your brain. When the other person side, when you use the absolutes,”

what happens to the other person is they start to go, that's not accurate. That's not accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do this and they start to try and pick and poke and look at the accuracy. Let's look at the timeline. Once the last time that I said that or when's the last time I did that and it becomes a timeline game. It becomes who's more accurate, who's memory is better, who is the kind of the referee of the argument. An accuracy calls when somebody blows the whistle

on accuracy. That's not accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do that. It's now a second argument. If you have straight line of A to B and you and I are talking and I just use the word never, you never. It happens, we split. It's the multiverse. We have two different timelines happening because now that second one only cares about accuracy. Meaning you're having an argument about whether you always or never did the thing. When I say accuracy, it's about

are they saying something that is correct. As soon as the other person goes, I don't always do that. It stinks because you're like, I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about the issue itself, and that's where you get caught up. So what's Jefferson, what's the point here? The point here is that you don't use them and I know that sounds easier said than done, but it happens all the time. It happens in my relationships. It happens in my family's relationships and my friends' relationships.

They happen among all of us. When I'm saying is, it will happen. The key here is quick to fix it.

“So what are some ways that we can do that instead of if you catch yourself using that?”

One is, if you catch yourself saying always and never, be the bigger person and grab it back.

Most of the time. Catch it. So if you say it out loud, you never stop yourself and you hear it.

“Actually, it's not never. It's a lot. It feels like a lot to me. If you can catch it and grab it,”

that's an easy win. You now don't have to have that second multiverse argument about accuracy. Number two, a quick way is to say, when you feel, it's a framework that works in a lot of different circumstances. You've heard me on this podcast talk about it. And it's a framework that works a lot of the time. It's when you I feel. Saying, when you do this, I feel that. When you X, I feel Y. When you speak to me in that tone, I feel like you're disappointed at me and I'm doing something wrong.

When you leave the food on the counter, I feel like you're asking me to take care of it. And you're being passive aggressive. Or whatever it is, when you I feel it's a very easy way of putting that in there. Because at the end of the day, these always and never statements, they're really just a self-expression of what's going on inside you. All right, it what's happening in seconds. And in your body, it feels like it's always or it's never in these

absolutes. And it's way clear for your body to go, I feel it right now. So this is what it must be all of the time.

And so my body says, never, I feels like never. So what's another way, a third way we can take

your this is think of it as a headline. Think of it as a headline. Meaning, I'm going to say up front, I'm going to say up front, I'm going to tell you something it's not always. I feel like it's a lot of the time. And then give this statement. You see, I kind of use the headline to give you a preview of what I'm about to say. And let me try it again. We could do a different way. I want to tell you something that's important to me. And I'm not saying that it's never, but I am saying that I feel like sometimes it's hardly at all.

“Then give what you need to say. So it's, it's, it's like combining the when you I feel with a”

catchback is saying I'm going to go ahead and tell you right now. I'm going to use stored never, but I know it's not.

I know it's not never. I'm just telling you what feels like it is, right? Can, can you relate to me on that aspect of that, can am I? Are you safe enough for me to say I, it feels like it's never even though I know that it's not. My brain tells me, my body tells me, my emotions tell me that this is always happening, but my brain knows objectively. That's not always happening. Before you go in this episode, it's sponsored by cozy earth. And also in many ways, my mom, my mom, I gave her

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to get out there. They're logbooking. They'll remember, I did this this time and it does not serve you.

many times and I will say it again. I like to use the three sentence rule, meaning if I can't

say it in three sentences. I'm going to try to find a different way of work that. Now you might go to Jefferson. This whole episode's longer than the three sentences. What are you doing? Yeah, I know. There's some context that happens in this. If I need to write an email or a text, or I'm trying to say something assertively, I'm going to try to apply that framework. It does not apply to casual conversations with friends or to a podcast or to certain things that are going to

require that level of professionalism or, you know, a little different threshold of a conversation

“that you need to have. And again, it's just a guide that's going to keep you from over explaining”

because what happens? The more words you use, the less people are going to likely do what you want them to do. The more words you have to use to say no, the more it kind of sounds like you're wanting them to push you to a yes, especially with boundaries. The more you try to explain your boundary, the other person starts to hear not as they know, but as at negotiation. For them to go, oh, well, if I took this off, your plate and took this off your plate, would you be willing to do it then?

And see, it feels weird because now they've kind of changed the paradigm and now you feel like you, you got caught. And so I'm way, you kind of have to act with yes, right? Because you took too long, used to many sentences, gave too much context to explain what you need to say. What I tell everyone on my clients when I prepare them for a deposition is that answer the question only. And if they have more questions, it is on them to ask. It's a muscle. It's a learn skill. So don't think

“that all of a sudden you have to be in deposition across examination mode anytime anybody talks”

you. That's not my point. What I'm saying is when it comes to communicating boundaries in particular are really anything. The more words that you use, usually the weaker the point becomes because it's confusing. People get lost. People grab on to one sentence and start to use their message. Let's say use an absolute for going to say, I mean, that would be terrible. They all of a sudden

in the middle of your monologue. Somebody grabs on to an always. And that's all they think about.

That's all they hear about. Or, I mean, how many times have you been in a conversation with somebody? And all of a sudden you're thinking, man, I wonder what's for lunch today? And you just have thoughts, distracted thoughts that are normal. And are going to happen. And there's a natural part of this. So how do you eliminate that as a communicator cut down on the excessive words,

“the excessive words? I know people that they're just looking for a captive audience.”

Really. And sometimes I give them one because I'm not be the only person they've seen and are got to talk to you in a few days. And so they just need to kind of get it all out. And that's okay, too. But for the most part, when it comes to effectively communicating the more words you use, the harder it is, the communicate a clear and certainly a consistent message. Number three,

this is the one I want to give you the most on. It's about controlling the first seven seconds.

And this is not some scientific study. So I don't think I have some lab where we've ran all these tests. It's not. It's just the school of Jefferson. Just of my experience saying, hey, in about seven seconds, I can tell you can tell where the conversation is going along before it gets there. In the first seven seconds, nobody's really listening to your words. They are listening for what you do. Meaning your signals. Are you somebody who sounds upset? I'm not listening to your

words. I'm listening to the tone of it. I'm listening to the music of it. It happens a lot. It related to music. And music we do the same thing. It is usually the first three seconds of just the music or five seconds or seven seconds of the music that grabs our attention. It goes, okay, I want to listen to this. This is something that resonates with me along before they're the lyrics show up. It's kind of the same way. Right. If I'm approaching you, and somebody who's very

kind of, I'm looking like a negative. I'm looking like I'm intense. I'm looking like maybe I'm really passive or maybe I'm really shy. You're reading all of that in seconds. Right. If you can hear the tone of my voice, do I sound serious? Or not? Do I sound playful? Or not? Do I sound happy? Or not? I'm listening for all the signals long before the words ever come out. I know when Sierra walks into a room, if she's in a good mood or not. Right. And she knows

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at Mill.com/Jefferson and use the code Jefferson. And now let's keep going. One of the biggest mistakes that I see that communicators make is not taking the first seven seconds of a conversation seriously because those first seven seconds usually less. That could be two seconds. Nobody's listening to the words. They're listening to you. Listening to your mood. They're listening to your tone. They're listening to your facial expressions. They're listening to how your posture is

when you walk into the door. They're listening to all those things long before the words ever come

“out of your mouth. So if you want to be an excellent communicator, it is making sure that you”

treat those first seven seconds like they are liquid gold because if something falls apart and it's

oftentimes that it does, you get the chance to say, "I need to say that differently." I want to redo. I need to reset this conversation. If you feel that it starts to go off the rail immediately, I need to say that differently and restart those seven seconds. Because if you're not in the right mindset, if you're not in the right, I don't think another word for it. If you're not in the right mindset, neither will they. Because conversations generally don't go south in the middle. So if we have a

beginning and an end, conversations typically don't start to lose control in the middle. It's at the very beginning. Meaning at the very beginning, it's set it up, devahar conversation. If I'm in an argument, let's say, and let's say it's me who gets frustrated. I'm going to get frustrated really quickly right out of the gate and you know what? That's kind of color. The whole rest of the conversation for me and I'm going to have to be doing the mental work.

They try and dig myself out of that mindset. Same for somebody else. If they're trying to deliver

this is not going where we need to go." I'm going to restart it. Or let's push it for another time.

“So to me, the first seven seconds of the conversation is sort of like the tailwagging the dog.”

I know if those first seven seconds aren't going well, it is rare that the rest of the

conversation will somehow turn by itself naturally and improve what I typically like to do and what I'm going to encourage you to do is reset it. How do you do that? If you find that the first seven seconds are not going well, the good communicators will reset it. They'll say phrases like, "I need to redo." I need to restart this. It's not asking. You could ask if you want it.

“Can I try that again? Somebody's going to say, "Yeah, of course." I don't know what I was saying,”

"No, yeah, of course." Or what I like to do is say, "Can I say that differently?" I need to say that I need to say this differently and I restart it because most likely if I'm asking that, the other person's lost, they're like, "Yeah, please restart it differently." Because I didn't prepare. I didn't do the mental gymnastics of making sure that I'm in the right mindset before we go into this conversation. Because that's normal and what happens? Three quick, easy tools to improve

your communication. Number one, we talked about absolutes, the always and the nevers, and how those

quickly tank the conversation to start talking about accuracy rather than the true heart of the issue. Two, we talked about the excessive words. How whether you like it or not, the more words you start to use, the weaker your message becomes. And the more the other person hears it's an invitation for them to try and problem solve what you said and fix it rather than actually stick to your boundary. Number three, we talked about the value of the first seven seconds of a conversation

because nobody's listening to the words, not near as much as how they're listening to you, and if you're actually ready for it. So how you show up in conversation, how you show that you're controlled, how you slow down your words, how you make sure you have the right tone, how you make sure you're approaching the conversation is something that you can actually lean into rather than pushing them and making sure that you're in some kind of defensive posture. That's not going to be

anywhere that's going to get you to where you're wanting to go in the conversation. So how can you make sure that you preserve treasure value, prioritize the first seven seconds that's going to

“make sure that you become a better communicator. So let's avoid those three mistakes and I think”

my voice is actually starting to go out. So this is perfect timing. As always, you can try that

and follow me.