Bonus: How to Get Out the Door (Rerun)

Every Monday you'll learn to compassionately manage your time, wisely solve problems, and kindly live in your season.

“I'm your host, Kindredachi, and I'm so glad you're here.”

As you can tell today is not Monday, today is Thursday, but on the occasional Thursday, we share a bonus episode from the archives that we think will be helpful this time of year. Since it's the end of August, and regular rhythms have already or are about to pick up, we've got to figure out how to get out the door. This week, my boys are marching band camp every day at school, they just laugh to actually, so it's like a slow roll in getting them out the door. They have to take less stuff than when they usually go to school, and they're more excited than a normal school day, because marching band camp is more fun.

So it's been a pretty nice stepping stone, but it's still a whole thing to make sure all the people have all the things, including you.

You're probably excellent at carrying a teetering tower of a million things to the car, or carrying the biggest bag, and your cover coffee to the train.

But maybe this is the time of year for a refresher. So let's get out the door, not just with the stuff we need, but with kindness too. I hope you enjoy this bonus episode. I've had to get out the door. Let's get out the door. The good news from all of the comments that I got on Instagram is that there really are only a few challenges that pretty much all of you share.

That means that a lot of people are in the same boat as you, which hopefully encourages you, and we can figure out some solutions, or at least have like a little bit of solidarity in those things. There are five main categories of challenges that I saw in your comments, and have experienced in my own life, and we are going to cover two of those today. The other three will be expanded over the next three weeks, because they're that relevant. Also, if I did all five today, this episode would be at least an hour. I'm not joking, because I actually started doing all five, and it was like, oh, this is really, really long.

So to give you an idea where we're going today and the rest of the month, here are the five most common categories, expectations, timing, stuff, uncontrollables, and shoes. You guys, there were so many responses about shoes. So today we're going to talk specifically about expectations and timing of when you need to get out the door. Next week, we're going to go into those uncontrollable things, but not just when you're leaving the house. Next week, we're going to talk about how to pivot when things don't go according to plan.

“So the week after that, we're literally doing an episode about shoes. Like, that's how many comments are we're about shoes?”

But we're not just going to have that episode be about kids losing their shoes. We will talk about storing your shoes, rotating them, saving shoes for kids who haven't grown into the bigger pair yet.

When you should get rid of your shoes, like everything she related. And then finally, the first Monday and September,

we are going to tackle the stuff aspect of getting out the door, but also gathering up your stuff for all kinds of scenarios. And that would we're actually going to talk about the power of bags. I'm very excited about it. So lots of practical things coming. One thing I want to offer as we get started today is to try and name what your specific biggest roadblock is for getting up the door. As with many of life's problems, we struggle with one particular aspect of something. But feel like we're generally in the weeds over the whole thing. So if you can identify the one area that's the most

challenging for you, rather than just saying like, oh, it's so hard to get off the door, you can apply a lazy genus principle or two to that particular area. And then you can see that entire problem of getting off the door a little more clearly.

“It might even get easier by just dealing with that one particular thing. Remember, small things make”

a really, really big difference. So we're going to tackle today expectations and timing. First, expectations. We're also going to throw the word emotions in here because often when expectations are not met, emotions get a little amped up for us and the people that we live with. Now, these are a few of the expectations that you carry that you you told me in your comments that you carry.

These were repeated multiple multiple times. You wish you did not have to repeat yourself a million times to your people.

So they'll get ready. You understandably want and maybe even expect on a certain level that they will listen the first time. And when they don't, you get frustrated. That's very real. A lot of you were also frustrated by a husband that you live with who doesn't help get everyone out of the door just himself. He gets his own stuff, but you're getting your own stuff and everything else for everyone else. If that's you, you have an expectation and a very reasonable one that you were not the only one who carries.

And you're frustrated that you're having to emotionally and literally carry the load of getting out the door for your entire family because you expect to help. You expect your kids and and husband if you have either of those to help you. You do not want to do it all on your own nor should you. You also might expect that people can brush their own teeth. Find their own shoes, put away their own breakfast dishes, do the things they have to do every single day without you having to remind them or do it yourself.

Someone wrote in the question box, "Why am I the only one who can find things?" And I get that. I resonate with that a lot. Perhaps that is an expectation. Your family has of you if you live with other people that you will be the one to find the things. Many of you are the life managers of your family and you likely do it pretty well. Someone even said it's just easier to do everything yourself because it's too hard and takes too long to explain all the things to the people who are trying to do it.

“So there is an expectation perhaps maybe even both ways that you will take care of it or that you have to take care of it.”

So if those are some likely expectations that people will listen the first time

that everyone will be helpful and take initiative and that you are not the only one who can carry it all. When those expectations are not met, emotions will spring up. Absolutely. You get frustrated and you start yelling more. Maybe it starts out. You know that like sing song yelling, that we do. So you don't sound like a terrible person that you're really on the brink of letting everybody have it. My kids know that voice or you cross the brink and you let everybody have it.

We've all done it. Maybe you've even done it today. But I also know you don't want to yell. A lot of you said that. You don't want leaving the house

to always end in hurt feelings and shouting matches. A lot of you mentioned how the pressure of

leaving leads you to being louder. But when your kids feel that pressure, they're fighting escalates. There's just a lot of emotional consequences to navigate here. And while this particular piece does not have any real scientific proof, it really seems like the more stressed you got the slower everyone else says. It's like this weird inverse. It's got to be some sort of scientific thing, right? It's the weirdest correlation. But the faster you need people to move

the slower they go. Similarly, the slower you need time to move. The faster time goes. It's very weird. And then you start yelling again. And then they fight more or get their feelings hurt or get distracted by all the stimulus that forget the very things that you were yelling at them to remember.

“It is just a very familiar cycle to many of us. So how can we lazy genius this part?”

How can we lazy genius these expectations and the rising emotions that come from them? One way is to lower your expectations. Especially depending on the season of life you're in. That's a lazy genius principle. In case you're no around here, live in the season. Maybe your season of life involves toddlers. And toddlers do not listen the first time. They just don't. They don't remember to put their shoes in the same place. They don't know that moving everything you're packing by the door

to a different room is supremely unhelpful. They don't know what time it is, like living with and getting up a door with toddlers. It is just a specific season. And maybe it's good to start matching your expectations with the season. This thing could be true for teenagers. Many teenagers are just zombies

in the morning. They are in their own worlds. They aren't always hearing what you say the first time.

“So expecting them to listen the first time when they're half asleep anyway. To go to a place like”

school where they might not really want to go at all, that's kind of a high expectation. Now I'm not saying we can't have high expectations for people or situations. But consider your season before you do that. Otherwise, those expectations are not met. And then you get upset at them. And those people that you have expectations of feel like all they do is mess up and then you're disconnected from them. Which none of us want. So just consider lowering your expectations to match

this season of life you are in. Now let's quickly talk about husbands and expectations. Not everybody listening has a husband. But for those of you who do, for those of you who put the problem of husbands in your question box, we're going to park you for a quick second. I said before that I will come for your lazy, picky, unhelpful husbands. I will come very, very hard. Now are we also sometimes lazy and picky and unhelpful? Those of you listening, of course. Humans are humans.

with a balanced, equal division of labor and a partnership. If your husband is super picky about dinners you make, but he does not help make any of those dinners or plan them or shop for them, he does not get to complain. If it matters enough to him to have the variety or the specifics about a meal that he's wanting, he can be part of the solution. Now that's not to say that you don't

“value what matters to him or that you just dismiss his needs or request completely. That's not at”

all what I'm saying. A marriage or a partnership is a partnership, equal partners. If he's low key requiring certain things of you without participating equally in it or even acknowledging that it's hard for you to accommodate you, accommodate him. And then thanking you for that, I'm going to come for him. I'm just going to do it. It's not okay. So in this scenario, getting up the door and having a husband who does not center his morning around the family, but instead around himself, let's just

talk quickly about how to address that. And the only reason, again, the only reason I'm bringing this up specifically is because of how many of you wrote my husband does not help. So this is why we're here. I'm not like coming at them for no reason. Okay, so first, talk to your husband and remember what matters most. What matters most, almost certainly, is that you both are connected to each other

“and remember that you're a team. Because none of us like to be criticized or told or not supporting”

someone we love. None of us like that. So because of that, you can always start the conversation

by telling him where you do feel supported and where you'll do feel like a team. Something like, you know, I love being partners with you. I love how we're a team in this area. It works so well because we work well together. I'd really like to figure out how we can have that same kind of teamwork in the mornings when everyone is trying to leave. And then just pause. Maybe give him a chance to say something or ask a question or whatever. You don't have to monologue everything right

from the start. You know, it's a conversation. But say directly, I would feel really supported if you would do this. Maybe it's that he bumps his shower 20 minutes earlier so that he can be in the kitchen helping direct the herd sooner. You know, be specific. This happened with me and cause actually. I was carrying the brunt of the morning rhythm. And I was starting to resent him for not helping

me. But I also had never asked him to. He would usually come into the kitchen around like seven

30 or so, which is right about when he leaves for work. And I was carried and short because I had been the only one helping the kids on the morning, right? And I was emotionally escalating, which was not creating a connective environment for anyone, made with cause or me with the kids. So I asked cause if he would be in the kitchen by 715 to help me. I just asked him. I was like, hey, could you kind of reorient your morning so that you can be in the kitchen earlier? And of course he said,

yes, because he did not know that I needed the help. He didn't know. I didn't ask him. When you are a capable competent adult who runs the show well and especially, listen to me, especially if you're

“a capable competent adult who does not ask for help very often and even low key criticizes other”

people when they do try to help by saying how you usually do it. Those people don't often think that you need or even want their help when you really, really do. So tell your husband you do, tell your husband you need help. Be specific. Now, someone should remember too, that not every single morning has to look the same, right? There are certain mornings when I need to take a shower and wash my hair, which is like a whole situation. So on the night's before that I know I need longer to

get ready. I'll be specific and say, hey, babe, I need you to be in the kitchen by 715 or so I can wash my hair. Will that work for you? And then we go about our business. So just have a conversation and say what you need. Okay, number two for today, timing. This is a big one. There are

there are a few specific things that contribute to the struggles with timing. First, in your

list of comments was breakfast. Someone in your house will take forever to eat. Breakfast takes too long to make. People eat at different times. No one cleans up their dishes and you don't want only the house of the dirty kitchen. So it's a lot of breakfast stuff, okay? Another timing challenge was procrastination. You just wait until the last minute to get ready. You gather your stuff at the last minute. You remind someone to get their shoes at the very last minute. We will get to

shoes later, remember, in a couple weeks. And then a third very popular challenge is the one more quick thing syndrome. I am talking dozens and dozens. Maybe maybe even hundreds, I did not count.

Start a little laundry. Clean up the kitchen. Maybe curl your hair even though you literally need

“to leave right now. And then you worry about if you turn the curling iron off. You want to change your”

clothes. You pay a bill. One more quick thing. Which rarely works out well to be quick or to be just one more. They snowball. And everything takes longer than you think. And then finally there's just the idea of things taking longer than you think they will. You plan for five minutes and it takes 15. We do that though. It's a brain thing. That's that's a scientific statement right there. It's a

brain thing. We underestimate time a lot. And here's what's funny. If you have left your house,

let's say it's 753 in the morning. And you got to where you needed to go by eight. Even though that particular day you hit every single green line. And you got there in the most efficient way possible. You assume that every day you could leave at 753 and be fine. When really the best time for you to leave a 755, it's just a whole thing. Again, it's a brain thing. So we make decisions often based on the most optimistic scenario. And then we pay the price later.

“So what are some specific principles we can apply to this challenge of timing? First, let's”

talk about breakfast. I have a couple of resources on breakfast that I will put in the show notes if you're interested. But one specific principle to try here is batch it. If you are a cooked breakfast person or family, do the tiniest bit of batching on the weekend before the week begins. Or even midweek for just a couple of days. That can be batch planning. It's like guys this week, we're having cereal and toast. It can be batch cooking where you make muffins or burrito,

breakfast burritos or horrible eggs or whatever you want to have for the week. It can also be batch prep and clean up. Where someone, not necessarily you, puts everyone's breakfast together one morning

a week. Like that your third grader gets Tuesday and pulls out all the plates, the toaster, the butter,

whatever else. I don't know. So that everyone can make their breakfast quickly and easily. You could make a list of breakfast items for that kit to pull out and check off for something. You know if you worry the kids are going to forget things. And then that same kit on that day is in charge of batch cleaning up breakfast dishes. You know, just grab everything off the counter or table it once and put it in the sink or the dishwasher. Put it in its own. We talk about zones

so that it's visually cleared off of all the different tables and counters. Another principle you could try for breakfast, particularly slow breakfast eaters is to go in the right order. Now we think that the order of getting ready is breakfast and then brush your teeth, right? You eat and then you brush it away. But if you have a slow eater who is not dressed and has not brushed his teeth and it's almost time to go, we need to go in the right order. Does it really matter that brushing teeth

comes after breakfast? Maybe not. A lot of the crazy that you feel is waiting for this one key in. So instead of that running the show, have that kid get dressed and brushes teeth before he

eats breakfast. It likely does not really matter that he brushes his teeth first. Then if he

still eating when it's time to go, he just brings his breakfast with him. And everyone does not have to wait for him to now go get ready. Go in the right order. Another aspect of timing that we talked about is procrastination. Okay. First, first principle is you need to be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. That is the first principle. Some people are just wired to procrastinate. There are ways to mitigate that a little, but don't beat yourself up because you're someone who often

runs late. You're okay. You are okay. Now practically, a great principle to apply here is to build

“the right routine. Remember that a lazy gene is routine is not so much about the steps,”

but about where you're hoping those steps take you, right? If you are someone who often procrastinates, putting together a 10-step morning routine is actually going to work against you. Do not do that. That is not for you. The right routine for a procrastinator is to remind yourself of what matters and you can maybe do that in the form of alarms, like on your phone. So maybe your morning alarm is a song that you love that gets you excited to get out of bed. You can buy ringtones

in the Apple Store for $1.29. Max, and I'm telling you it is the best money you will ever spend. My sister Hannah, she mentioned this on our, we have a secret, that sounds so like secret, but we have a Patreon podcast called The Lazy Sisters Podcast for people who support some Patreon. It's like a really long conversation that my sister and I have once a month. It's very fun. It's unedited. Kendra, it's a blast. Anyway, in the last, when the last episode we did,

we were talking about the best things to make us happy that we love. And one of those things that Hannah mentioned was to buy a ringtone. It's a dollar29, you guys. We just don't think about spending money on something like that

Bridge Bake Off, as my, as my ringtone, as my alarm. And it has been the best

dollar 29 of my whole life. So like, I don't know, buy beautiful day by you too or something,

“whatever, that reminds you about what matters most and helps you get out of bed.”

On and on, there are about 2,013. We are ready to get ready. The biggest advantage of shopping for me is that we don't need a technical advantage for the world. We can all go over the back end and the front end. And as soon as we go on the online shop, if you want to buy shopping, then you will get the platform that's actually going on. It's just the reason. Our whole business is going on over shopping.

Now, let's start our test of shopping.

You can also set other alarms and name them. You know, like, you can change the words where it doesn't just say alarm. So maybe there's a, hey, you need to be in the shower now. This is important. Go. That goes off five minutes before you enter that like five alarm procrastinations on, you know, where you're just going to be late. Use those signals that your phone has built in to remind you that you want to not be rushed, right? You want to start moving towards getting ready

at a reasonable time so you're not stressed out like that really does matter. So set alarms for

“yourself to remind you of what matters. And that's the exchange, really, isn't it? You're choosing”

to see procrastination as something that gets in the way of what matters, which is getting out of the door without as much stress. It's probably worth it to get up when you think about it that way. But if you procrastinate and you lie in bed or you get one more cup of coffee or whatever, I want you to ask yourself, not in a shaming way, in just a realistic way. Is this worth being frantic for 20 minutes? The answer might be yes. Just be honest about those expectations.

Okay, for those who try the one more quick thing syndrome, I want you to maybe set a house rule for yourself. House rules are another, a lazy, genius principle. Maybe you have a time on the clock that you're like one more thing limit. Okay, like if it gets past 730, you're not allowed to do one more quick thing or prioritize the quick things that make a difference and decide once. That's another lazy, genius principle. Decide once to only do that quick thing if you have the time. So

maybe it's cleaning up breakfast and having a a clean slate for when you get home. That quick thing is likely worth finding space for. Now the other one's maybe not. So decide once what your one quick thing is. Maybe or create a house rule that helps you see when you have time and when you don't. And like that procrastination piece, is that one more quick thing worth the frenzy of being like? That that trade off. Only you can answer that. Not me. But be sure to ask the questions

who actually know. Is it worth it? Is this one more quick thing worth it for maybe like? Maybe

“just assume you're going to be like. Assume it's going to make you bite. Is it worth it?”

And then finally the idea of things taking longer than you plan. I want you to collect data right

down on a little piece of paper or dry erase board or something. The time that you have in your head to leave by or like say it into a voice app. There are lots of ways that you can capture this. But rain dump your reverse engineer plan. So like this, I think that we need to leave by 745. So I'm going to tell the kids to get ready at 715. I'm going to did it and then like back up. You get the idea. Say we're going to do and then try it and do it. Then I want you to write down

or say at the end of all of that what time you actually left. How stressed out everyone was. Did it actually work this way? Now leaving the house. This is important to remember. Leaving the house is inherently a little bit stressful. Like even if you're doing everything the way you want to. It's just kind of a high energy situation. So there's probably going to be some heightening anyway. But was the stress manageable? Did you yell? Did the kids fight? Like name how much time

things actually took and how stressful it was doing the thing in that time frame? Look at that and say okay. Five minutes is just not enough time to give a last call yelled at the family. We need 15. We need 15 minutes for the last call or whatever it is. But pay attention. Don't assume anything about time. You are a very smart person. If you think this is going to take us three minutes, you can set a stopwatch on your phone and it took seven and now you know it takes seven. And then

plan for ten. Like just keep back in it up. We just make so many assumptions about time and then we keep living with those assumptions even though they don't work because we just don't have information to put in its place. We're very smart but we just get into that rhythm that doesn't

I want you to be able to look at it and say okay, optimistically I think this is going to take five

“minutes and it just doesn't. It just doesn't and that's okay. Let's make it ten. Let's make a 15.”

Let's make it whatever. So those are the two big categories that keep us from getting out of the door and away that works for us. Expectations and timing. Now I want you to just think about how this

lands you know live with this for a week. Then next three weeks we will adjacently cover the more

specific topics of your stuff and your shoes and frankly kids have an appoop right as you want to leave. That came up so much in the Instagram question box like crazy town like somebody has to poop.

“Somebody has to poop. Those are those uncontrollable things that can turn your plan on its head, right?”

And we need strategies for that too. We need strategies for when plans change on a dime real quick.

But for today, I hope that this has helped you think through those two broader challenges of expectations and timing. Man, okay this is current egg and draw. I need to do her this too. Also the poop is still a thing. Like even when they get big y'all, they still have to poop when you leave.

“It's crazy. I will say one of my favorite tips for getting out the door is very tried and true,”

but it still is like buckets of help and that is having all the bags and backpacks in one place all the time. Put everything in its place, right? That saves the rushing around and screaming. Where's my bag? Two minutes before somebody has to leave. I do love having things in their place. Like it's not just to be organized. That's not really the main point, even though that's nice. But it really is to be kinder and calmer in the morning.

Or anytime, anytime that you're in a rush, because you know where the thing is that you need. So I hope this episode was a good reminder for you too. This podcast is part of the Odyssey family in the office ladies network. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, produced by Leah Jarvis and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jennifer Sure and Angela Kinsey. Thanks y'all for listening and until next time, be a genius about the things that matter

and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra and I'll see you in my life. (upbeat music)