Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking

All right, I have a personal story that I am dying to share with you, and I'm also really excited because our 21 year old son Oakley is going to be joining me on this episode, and you are going to get so much out of this. So here's the story.

A couple of weekends ago, our son came home. He's a software and college, and I was so shocked. And how happy he was. And the reason I was shocked is because he's been miserable at school for about 18 months.

Like the lowest I have ever seen my son in his entire life.

And it makes you realize that I guess you never truly understand

just how sad someone is until you see them happy again. And it's been so hard to watch him struggle in college,

“like maybe you should transfer maybe you're in the wrong place.”

Maybe you made a mistake. You can't find your people. You're just so unhappy. And as hard as it's been for me and for my husband, Chris, to watch him struggle,

I know it's a lot harder to be the person that's unhappy. I mean, from the outside, you can feel how sad and disconnected there. You hear it in their voice. You see it in their energy.

You know you're just not yourself. And if you're the person who's unhappy over time, something happens, you become so discouraged.

You start to believe this is how your life is always going to feel.

And so we asked our son, what happened? And as he started to detail the things that had changed, there were four specific takeaways that emerged. And these are really interesting takeaways because they're very useful, whether you're unhappy right now in your life,

or you're watching somebody that you love, who has become very unhappy. And you're going to love these four takeaways because as you go through them one by one, it helps you understand, okay.

“Is it truly the situation that's making me unhappy?”

Or is it me? And once you go through these four takeaways, we're going to have a road map to become happy again or to go, whoa, is not me as a situation. And the thing that's going to make me happy is to leave it.

You ready? I am. Let's get started. Hey, it's Ren Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am ecstatic that you're here.

Today's episode is going to be amazing.

I love what we're going to talk about today because it's just one of those conversations that I know is going to either help you immediately or it's going to help somebody that you care about. And I'm also going to be having this conversation with you and one of my most favorite people in the world who I'm talking about.

I'm talking about our son, Oakley Robbins. He's 21 years old. I cannot wait for you to meet him. And whether you're here right now in this moment of your life. And you're feeling unhappy.

“And you're trying to figure out how can I be happy again?”

Am I unhappy because of the situation? Whether that's a relationship or a job or a place that you're living? Or am I unhappy because of the way I'm showing up to the situation? If you're sitting here right now and you're struggling with the decision. Okay, should I stay where I am or should I go?

You're going to leave our conversation today with four takeaways. What I love about these four takeaways is they basically act like a checklist. A checklist that you can use at any time that you feel unhappy and they become a roadmap. And as you go through the four takeaways,

you're going to have to look in the mirror. You're like, okay, it's me. It's me. Or you're going to listen to all these four things. And as we go through the checklist, you're going to go,

oh, it's not me. And the way that we're going to get into this checklist, I'm really excited about because we're going to do it a deeply personal way. My son is going to share all about what was happening and what was making him super unhappy. I'm going to talk about a period of my life where I was really unhappy in a new chapter

and kind of thought I had made a major mistake. And we're going to use our personal stories as a backdrop to help you navigate those moments in your life. We're, you're just not happy. And you don't know what to do. I am so proud and so excited to introduce you to our son, Oakley Robbins.

Oak is 21 years old. He just finished his sophomore year in college which you're about to hear all about. And we're going to use his experience of being unhappy

to help you become happier and to help you make decisions about whether to stay or whether to go. All right, let's jump into it. Please help me welcome my 21 year old son Oakley Robbins to the Mel Robbins podcast. Well, everybody, thank you for having me excited to be here. So Oakley, the reason why I wanted you to come on is because about a month ago, you came rolling

in after work in your window washing business. And we had just wrapped taping a episode for the podcast here in Vermont. And you were just so bubbly and so happy.

“And one of our team members, I think it was Ben.”

Yeah.

So what did you do like do what happened because you had been very open about the fact that the first year and a half

of your college experience basically sucked. It was horrible. So Ben started asking you questions like, what changed? Like, what did you transfer? You're like, nope.

And we kept peppering you with questions like, what was it exactly that had you go from hating where you were feeling lost, feeling down. And we started to pick apart these things that were changing that you changed. And there were four themes that emerged. Those four things that you shared about are a checklist that anybody could use

to look at a situation at their end where they're really unhappy. And figure out, is it me? Or is it time to change a situation? Do I need to change? Or does the situation need to change?

Sometimes it's both. Okay.

So for the person that's here with us, why don't you tell them, oh, basically what you

thought was going to happen when you went to college. And then what the reality was and how you felt for the last 18 months.

“I think before I can get into what changed I need to talk about kind of what it.”

Like where it all began. Yeah, great. And so it all started in high school. I loved high school like more than anything. High school was just so great.

I had great friends, great family. I really felt valued there. And I really valued the place that I was in. I was challenged academically. I was on sports teams.

I was the team captain of both sports teams. I was on. And every single day was just pure joy. You know, waking up me like, oh, this is the best. Like I'm so excited to go in and see all these people that I love so dearly.

And I just, I cannot wait. And I want to say one thing. Yeah. Prior to high school. Oh, I did not like school.

Prior to high school I hated school. Like hated it with a burning passion. Did you have a lot of friends? No. And I wasn't very good in the academic field.

Like everything was kind of just downhill middle school and elementary school was all pretty pretty tough for me.

I, I believe that I would never be a school guy.

And then when I got to high school, something just kind of switched for me. And I really started to dive into the academics. I really dove into the friendships. And I really just like immersed myself in the world of school. And it all became this wonderful thing that I fell in love with.

And that's also probably why I say low high school so much because it was the first time in my life where I had something like that. That I was like, wow, this is amazing. And I'd never felt so strongly about a place and people before. So that was incredible. And it sounds like you also felt very strongly about yourself.

Yes, I was also very happy with me and who I was in that place in that setting and how I operated and moved through that world. Were you outgoing? Yes, very. I was super outgoing. I knew everybody at my school.

We had about 900 kids in my school. And I knew everyone in my class, everyone in the class below. And just everybody. I was a senior mentor. So I kind of looked after a group of freshmen.

And that provided me a lot of purpose. I went to a soup kitchen after school. And I was able to help out the local Vermont community. I really inserted myself in the community. You know, I really put myself in there.

And I really made sure that I was doing all the things and getting busy and meeting people and just kind of saying yes to everything I could.

“Now, one of the reasons why I wanted a little bit of detail is because I think one of the magical things about life is that”

periods of your life in the past where you were happy or content or fulfilled provide clues about how you can access those feelings again in your present life. Yeah. And that brings me to the next question, which is what happened when you went to college? So senior roles around and college decisions, applications. They're not great, but you get through.

I still loved my life. You know, I still had a lot of fun.

And I, you know, I was excited about some colleges. I wasn't about others. And because I had so much joy and love for the current place that I was in, I honestly didn't want to go anywhere. And I wasn't too excited about any of the decisions I made. So it comes time to go to college and I am already dreading it.

I am not excited to leave my home. I'm not excited to leave my friends. I just got into a relationship and I was very, very, very, very like smitten with this girl. She was incredible. And so I had so many reasons not to leave.

“And the only reason why I felt like I should go is because everybody says you should go to college.”

And so going into it, I was really shoot myself in the foot because I didn't even want to go on the first place. And so I got there and I was immediately miserable. I was so sad. I was raining the day we moved in. And I just remember moving on myself and my room and feeling excited for this.

I was telling myself I was excited for this new chapter in life and that it was going to be super exciting.

Because everybody always says that college is the best four years of your life.

And so I was trying to hype myself up and say, you know, this is going to be great. You're going to love this. It's going to be better than what you're once had. And even though you just let go of everything that you loved, you're going to find much better. And you're going to enjoy it even more. And so obviously day one, I didn't have that and I was so scared.

And I would have given anything to go back to the feelings and the things that I had before I got there. I think we all do this. Like, and this gets us to take away one, which is you can't open a new door. If you're gripping the old one. Yeah.

And you cannot be content where your feet are. If you're constantly comparing it to where you've been. Yeah, you just can't do that. No, yeah. But I want you to put us at the scene because as you're listening to oak, you may be comparing your life before something happened. Like, maybe you lost somebody you loved and you're constantly looking back and it's been years.

Maybe you changed jobs and you are comparing this to the old. Maybe you're in a new relationship and you're comparing it to an old relationship. You know, I've had a very similar experience. I'll share more about this that when we move from the Boston area to Vermont, you were on cloud nine. It was amazing.

I needed professional help. I was so unhappy. I hated it here.

I hated everything about it. The second my feet hit the state.

I was convinced we had made a mistake. And if you're unhappy where you are right now, you have to ask yourself,

“honestly, am I spending a lot of time comparing this to that?”

Am I spending a lot of time holding something from the past over the present? Because a guaranteed way to make you super unhappy now, if you're constantly comparing what happened in the past, to what is in front of you in the present. Yeah. And so I want you to put us at the scene of how this would affect your day-to-day life.

Like, you wake up in the morning. What are you thinking? I'm immediately like, wow, I miss my room and I miss my dogs and I miss my cat. You're walking down that hallway or you're walking across campus to class. Yeah, I'm immediately met with the sense of loneliness.

You got to take note of this.

This is still the first few months of school.

So I'm walking to class. And I'm thinking goodness, this would be so much better if my hometown friends are here. And I was walking to class with my hometown friends instead of walking to class with these mutuals or with nobody. What's a mutual? Like a friend that's, you don't really know,

that you've met them a few times and so you're like, you're mutual friends. But I'm not going to go out of my way to hang out with you. But if I see you, I'll say hey. Wow, okay.

“But I think we're starting to get a lens into whether it's a situation or it's you, but keep going.”

A lot in the whole friendship department where I was wishing my friends are here. And my girlfriend and I continue to stay dating into college. And so there was a lot of, I wish she was here. I wish I could go see her. To be so much better if I could come home and she would already be at my dorm instead of just on the phone.

And then another example is sports team. Okay. So I played Frisbee in high school. And I came to college thinking I'm going to travel for the Frisbee team.

And that was a huge turn off for me. I remember being a child from just thinking this sucks.

“This sport that I loved so much doesn't feel like how it did in high school and I don't want to play it anymore.”

And so for the first year of college, I didn't play Frisbee because I felt like it didn't feel the same.

And so it wasn't worth my time. And that really shot me in the foot. That was a big one in the shot me in the foot. Meal times I'd be sitting around a table with my friends. And I would just be feeling so much sadness again wishing that my home friends could be there instead of having to make these new friends. Because I felt that they weren't the same or we weren't as close. I gave them an unfair start because from the beginning I told myself that they would never be the people that I wanted them to be.

Because they weren't the same people that were from my hometown. But what I'm like thinking, I'm just going to be honest with you because I think you can hear it. Yeah. It's shocking how judgmental you are. Oh my god, it was horrible. It was horrible.

Even in the moment I remember I'd come back to my dorm at the end of the day and go, wow, this is very unlike me. Like I feel very judgmental as of lately and this is not the type of person that I normally am.

And this is why this first take away is so critical.

When you start asking yourself, is it the situation or is it me?

“You have to ask yourself first am I comparing this current chapter to something else?”

Because it is so unfair to the new person or the new apartment or the new neighborhood or the new job or the new chapter of your life to hold something from the past over this new thing. And if you're kind of nodding along that you're really robbing yourself of the opportunity to experience something new because you're so busy comparing it to something that you know. You're the one that is making yourself miserable. And the judgmental piece comes from the comparison because comparison by its very nature causes you to judge because you're comparing one thing against the other.

And then it becomes this snowball effect where if all you're doing is looking for the reasons that something doesn't measure up what are you going to see only the things that don't measure up. Correct and you miss what the great things about the place that you're in. Yes, which is why you can't fully open up a new door. Or if you're gripping tightly to the old one. Yeah. And this didn't just last the first couple months.

No, this lasted all the way up until the very start January. Yeah, this is the last until January 2026 and I went into college in September. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

“So you did this your entire freshman year.”

Yes, and the first half of my sophomore year. And watching you do this was painful. Yeah. And the other thing that's really sad about this is that another trap that we can fall into is believing that the best days of our life are behind us. Yeah.

And you started to convince yourself of that. I did. I really did. Because I saw no reason that the place I was in was going to be better. I just couldn't find those reasons.

Actually, Oak, I'll tell you what. The reason why I can see this on the outside is because first of all, I was an experiencing it. Yeah. And I also knew that you weren't quote yourself. Mm.

But I've also experienced this. Yeah. So when we moved from outside of Boston where your dad and I live for 26 years and we moved up here for you to go to high school up here, I hated it. And like you all I did was look around this tiny little town where there are more cows and people and compare it to where we would live for 26 years outside of Boston. I'm like, where is Target?

Where is Whole Foods? Where is the movie theater? Where are the people? What do people do here? Like where are the things that I know?

And every time that I woke up in the morning I'm like, this doesn't feel like I wanted to feel like I don't like this. It's new. Like it doesn't feel right.

And I started to get very critical of everything that I didn't like.

And it started reinforcing that this wasn't going to be right for me. Yeah. I felt wrong, therefore it's not right and I started to blame the place instead of seeing that my inability to let go of the door that it closed.

Yeah.

“And one of the reasons why it's important to really examine periods of your life when you're happy is because it does provide clues about what you can bring forward.”

To this chapter, to help you be happy.

The past is full of lessons. The present is full of opportunities. The future has both lessons and opportunities. It has both. Yeah.

But it's an implying the lessons to the opportunity of the present that you actually changed the present and how you feel in it. But I wasn't doing that. Yeah. I knew damn well that what would make me happy is making friends. But I sat in the house and bitched about how much I hated this place compared to where we live. I did the same thing in my dorm.

Correct. And so the comparison actually amplifies judgment and the comparison isolates you and the comparison also inflates the fantasy of the old life because here's the truth for me.

“This wasn't the case for you and I don't know as you're listening if this is the case for you.”

I had gotten bored of our old life. I was tired of living in suburbia. I did want to change. I did want something new. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that version of my life.

Yeah. I knew I was ready for a change. But when that change came, holy cow, it did not feel like I thought it was going to feel. And so then all of a sudden I'm like, I don't want this change. Yeah.

When you're comparing your current situation to something in the past, I personally felt a couple things happening. Number one, I got very judgey. Yeah, very judgey. Number two, I started crossing my arms and I started leaning back and I started over fantasizing about the past and I also started unfairly. Like, I don't even have the right words judging.

It's like I was unfairly painting the life in front of me with a very unfair brush. Yeah. Like I was seeing it through a lens that actually wasn't accurate. Yeah. And I can see that now.

I didn't even give it a chance. And that's the thing. You have to ask yourself, have I even given the situation a chance? Have I given the person a chance? Have I given the job a chance? Have I given the school a chance? Have I given this neighborhood a chance?

Or have I been confronted by the change? And I started comparing. And now I've got my arms crossed and I'm like super judgey. And I'm sitting back. Yeah.

Totally. Okay. So take away number one.

“If you're unhappy or someone else is unhappy in your life is the first question you have to ask yourself is,”

is am I actually in the present or am I drag in the past here and using it as a measuring stick? Yeah.

And so the thing that I want you to do with this first takeaway is to really apply it to where you are right now.

And are you sitting in comparison? Which very clearly robes you of the opportunity in front of you? And what is in your control is to stop yourself from comparing where you are to where you've been. To stop holding some fantasized version of your past over the reality that's in front of you. Because it's only when you stop comparing that you have an opportunity to let go of the past and to reach for the door in front of you and to open it.

It's only when you stop comparing yourself that you have the opportunity to do a couple other simple things that might make you feel more content. But if you are saying no I haven't been comparing myself. I was doing that beginning but I'm not doing that anymore. I just really am not sure if this is the right situation then you've checked the box and that's step one on deciding if it's you or if it's the situation. There you go. Right? Oh, I love what you're saying and I also appreciate how transparent you're being.

Thank you mom. I appreciate what you're saying. Oh, well you're welcome and we got to go to a break.

I don't want to even stop talking to you but I got to give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words.

We're going to throw you guys to break and we'll be right back. Don't go anywhere because we have a couple more of these takeaways to walk you through and we return and you do not want to miss them. Stay with us. Welcome back at your friend Mel Robbins and today I am here with Oakley and you and we're talking about how to know in life if it's you or if it's the situation that needs to change and we're going through the simple for part checklist.

You cross your arms and you got to really check your energy. So this is take away number two are you shrinking or is your energy expansive and you're leaning in.

Yeah, I got that I was really stubborn and when when I made the change because I had so many wonderful people in my life saying, Oakley just go and try new things and go say yes to all these people and you know your friends right now might not be the greatest, but who knows go me go try and meet more people and I was like now everyone here sucks and this place sucks and everything at this school sucks and I hate everything and I want to go home and everybody was was feeding me the information and the the tools that I needed to to succeed and to love this place and all I wanted to do was cross my arms and complain and say now.

And I was being so so stubborn and it was so bad of me because I think it's going to change a lot quicker. Oh, that's a great insight. That's very honest because you were stubborn for a year and a half. Stupid. So dumb with me. It was so dumb. I was someone to like slap some sense into me. I tried you'd vary what you did try and I was very very I didn't want to move for my position.

Well, what could I have done differently?

Because I would call you on a Friday night and you are a college freshman. Yeah, guys, I was I would sit in my dorm every Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was actually scared of the weekends because the weekdays were great because we had our schedules, you know, we went to class and we did all that and then the weekends would come and everyone would be like all right, let's go party and I'd be like, oh, I don't want to do that I don't want to go out and I don't want to go party. So the weekends were really hard because it was like someone was holding a mirror up to my face being like you're doing something that you shouldn't be doing because it's hurting you right now.

“And you know what you should be doing and you're actively going against what you need.”

You and I are so similar. Yeah, I know. It's great. Well, that's great when you're torturing yourself. Oh, yeah, in the stubborn world, but you know, well, because when I moved here and we got here and I started comparing it to our old life and I started hating it and getting very unhappy. And I started convincing myself that the place was wrong.

We needed to move back. We had made a mistake. I started what sounds like you did, which is quietly quitting on the decision. I started turning against the place I was in and I spent so much energy crying. Sitting alone, convincing myself. This was a huge mistake. Yeah.

I had two friends, Amy and Jesse, and we all hated it. So we also talked a lot about how we had made a mistake and that our husbands had tricked us into coming here and now we hated them too. And I also spent a lot of time watching my friends on social media. And it felt like they were on a party barge in the Boston Harbor waving goodbye to me from my old life as I was slowly dying a long and torturous death here in the winters of Vermont on a mountain near with no friends. And when you're quietly quitting a relationship, you're sitting in judgment and you're pulling away when you're quietly quitting a job or a career.

And you're withdrawing when you are in a friend group that you feel like you've outgrown and you're kind of on the outside of it. You also shrink your energy and you pull back when what is needed in these moments is the opposite.

“You need to expand yourself and expand your energy and expand out of your comfort zone and expand through your stubbornness.”

Yeah.

And this is why this is the second thing on your checklist.

Is it me or is it the situation? Are you shrinking away or are you in a period of expanding and pushing yourself? Yeah. Because you had some good friends, but you kept saying I haven't found my people. I haven't found my people and yet that circle of friends was not a cage.

“This is the thing that I think is really interesting to ask yourself too. Why would you rather be right that the situation is wrong for you?”

And be stubborn about it than just try. I think in my stubborn mindset there was this this annoyance and the fact that everybody seemed to have the answer. And that answer being all you have to do is get your get your butt off the floor and go do something.

And so I wanted to kind of prove whatever I was like no like things aren't going to change. And I do actually remember there were times where I would go and try something like once in a blue moon or maybe I'd show up to a club or I would go out with some friends one night.

And I would always come back from it with an even worse feeling in my gut just being like that was horrible.

Like I remember there was one time where I went out with my friends and immediately we got there and they're having the time of their lives and I was like this sucks like this place sucks. I don't feel like I belong here and so I just left and I went back home and I was like that was horrible. And I was looking for so many reasons why it was the worst time or a club where I went I showed up to a brand new club and I didn't know anybody and I didn't know what was going on and it felt so foreign. And so immediately I went back to my dorm and I was like that was horrible. I'm not going to do that again.

And I just wanted to I kind of had this thing where I wanted to prove that I did try and even in trying it didn't work for me. And like I was just a hopeless, hopeless case.

“Well, I think that's one of the reasons why a really good piece of advice in these kind of situations is you have to give it a year.”

Yeah, you have to you have to keep trying at it. You can't just do it once and be like right now never again. You have to try it a few few good times.

And another great piece of advice is when you are shrinking and your energy is pulling back and judging you're a no. Yeah. And when you're expansive and you're saying, all right, I'm going to give it a year. I got to like really lean into the opportunity. I got to be here. You're a yes. Yeah. When you think about 18 months of being there, you showed up in January. Mm-hmm.

And you stopped judging. I did. How did you stop judging?

“I came to the realization over that break that I needed to get off my high horse and stop assuming that the place I was in was going to become the place I was once at.”

And I just kind of showed up January 1st and I was like, all right, this is its own place, its its own time. I can't go back to who I once was and so I'm just going to appreciate and see who I am going to become in this new place. And I kind of operated with that mindset each day. Wow. Yeah.

And what did you start saying yes to? Everything. Like literally everything. So I rejoined the the Frisbee team that I thought wasn't similar to my old high school Frisbee team. Love you guys. I started hanging out with my friends way more on the weekends.

They would always be going to a house party or they'd be going out and I'd say, yes, I'd go to each one.

During the weeks, I'd get lunch with new people on the weekends if it was during the day again new people. I'd always be trying to find new people if I met someone cool, you know, I don't know if you guys have ever done this. But there's always those people in your life where you see them every once in a while. Oh, we have to get lunch like we have to get lunch or we have to go hang out and you say to them and you're like, all right, but I'm not actually going to text you. Like I'm not actually going to make the first move and I'm not going to go get food or anything with you because that's awkward.

I don't really know you. The mutuals, you know, the mutuals and so I started actually reaching out to those mutuals and saying, hey, let's hang out. And what happened? Well, obviously, like I'm going to be honest, you know, the first one or two times they were a little awkward. You know, you're going to know somebody. It's always not it's never the easiest. And then it would just happen where every day I'd be like, hey, are you free?

And it would just we'd start hanging out and it would just become so natural, so easy. And that's because I kept working at it. I kept putting myself out there to try and talk to them. You know, I love this example. Oh, because it reminds me of really incredible research that this professor Tina Celig from Stanford came on this podcast and shared about the science of luck. And people aren't just, quote, lucky. People who seem to be lucky have this particular habit.

Is intentionally putting yourself in the current of the things that you want intentionally taking small actions that help you collide with the thing that you want. And intellectually, we know that the more people you say hello to, the more people that you reach out to for lunch, the more parties you go to and you uncross your arms and you walk in and you haven't attitude like, you know, my favorite person that I've ever met in my life might be in this room.

“Yeah, it's true. You know, they might like you have this open mindedness that you put yourself in a position to be lucky because you're in the same room, but you have to stop comparing yourself to your old life.”

Yeah, you have to be more expansive. You have to give it a year and you have to start saying, yes, well, you have that attitude and then what happens, you get lucky.

I mean, over time slowly, slowly, I started to accumulate friends that I really really began to care about and love and I began to slowly look around and be like, wait, this place is, it's pretty cool. I'm living near everybody who's my age and all I have to do is just walk down a few doors and see him like this awesome.

“Well, I think that can happen just about everywhere everywhere because if you're in a new job, for example,”

the first month, you're not going to feel like you suddenly have really good friends at work. You're probably going to like put your head down and like get into it.

The fact is, if all you ever do is put your head down and hope you fit in, then you're going to start to pull back and you're going to start to feel like you're on the outside of something. Yeah. If you take this advice to heart and you really look in the mirror if you're feeling on the outside, you could literally look up and be like, well, how many people have I asked if they want to go out for a cup of coffee or go walk around the block at lunch or how many times have I raised my hand to do something that isn't directly related to my job.

How often am I asking my colleagues about their life? Have I scheduled any one on ones with people even over Zoom just get to know people? Yeah. And so instead of taking a posture and life of sitting back and hoping it falls out of the sky or just magically happen. That's I was waiting for someone to just show up and for things to click and for it to be like, wow. I love this place now. I was waiting for just one person to show up, but it's on you.

Well, that's who you're waiting for. Yeah. I was waiting for me to get my button year. Yeah. Yeah. What can you say more about that?

A little while ago, you're like, what could I have said to you to inspire you to change or inspire you to do something? And I think the biggest thing that I don't think you ever said to me, but what would have gotten me to get moving was just using like, it's on you. Like, these four years or this next chapter, however long it may be, like, if you want it to be great, then that's on you. And you can't wait for some person or some event or just some thing to change your mind about that. It's your job to get up and to go and to meet these people and to do these things and to change your outlook because no one can do that for you.

“You have to stand up and you have to start moving forward.”

And once you start doing that, it'll become easier and it will become great, but right now you have to put the work in and you have to take that first step. And I think that's a takeaway, ask yourself. Are you actually here in the present moment really seeing this as an opportunity? And number two is check your energy. Have you been expansive? Have you been a yes? Have you given this a year? Like, are you really putting in the effort and taking full responsibility for the way you're showing up to this chapter or this relationship or this job or this new neighborhood or this school?

Because if you're not, then it's on you. If you have been now we're starting to go, well, maybe it's the situation because every time I asked if you wanted to transfer, you were like, no. Yeah, I was confident that the school I was at is the place I should be. And I knew that the people that I wanted to be friends with were there somewhere, but I just hadn't found them yet. And you weren't doing much to make it happen.

No. Oh, yep. Time for another outbreak. It is.

And so I want to take a second and just give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words.

“And if anybody in your life is coming to mind, as Oakley's been sharing his experiences, we're going through this checklist.”

Just take a minute and copy and paste this link and text it to him. You don't even have to say anything. You can just say, you know, I'm thinking about you and I thought you might love this. Take a listen. There you go.

And don't go anywhere. Why? Because we'll be right back. Yeah, so stay with us. The next part is so important because we have two more takeaways.

We'll be right back. Stay with us. [Music] Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins.

You and I are here with my son Oakley. And we're talking about, you know, those moments in life where you're just not happy. Is it you or is it the situation? So let's move on to the next piece because this is takeaway three on our checklist. Is it me or is it the situation?

Do I need to change or do I need to change a situation? And that is, are you 100% in it? Yeah. Because it's very hard to be content and happy when you're only throwing in 40%. Yeah.

And obviously comparing where you currently are to your past means you're not 100% there. Your energy and shrinking and crossing your arms of being judgy.

Expecting something to be amazing within the first month or two.

And I like to think of this analogy that are both of your feet in the present chapter. Or do you have one foot somewhere else?

“While you have one foot here and straddling two Clydesdales running in different directions can be painful.”

And for you, you also were not 100% at school. I was not. No. I mentioned a little bit earlier in the episode how I had just gotten into a relationship right before I went to college. And she was in the great below me.

And so for the first year of college, I was able to kind of like commute home and see her on weekends, which made it easy for the relationship, but obviously didn't make it easy for the place that I was in. Now why? Because, you know, my, I thought about her 20%.

She's amazing and she, I always just had my mind on her and I couldn't.

I just wished more than anything that we could be in the same place together. And I spent so much time just wanting to either go home or wanting her to come up to me. And for running to your dorm room at 7 p.m. so you could have your call. Yeah, on a Friday or Saturday, you know, going late into my dorm and just kind of lock myself away from all my friends just so I could have a conversation with her. And it was in the, in the moment, you know, I, I, I would, I would tell myself that this is what I need to be doing.

“Like this is the best thing in my life and I want to maintain that.”

And arguably it was. So it made sense that I could just kind of keep that up and maintain the one good thing that I still had going for me. But because of that, it really, without me knowing, of course, I, it caused me to shut out everything around me and everyone around me because on those nights where all my friends would go out to party and all those things. I had an outlet where I could stay in my dorm and I could call my girlfriend because it allowed me to kind of have the excuse where it's like, oh, I don't need to because I need to call my girlfriend and maintain this connection.

I think it's really unfair to criticize where you are if you don't give it a hundred percent. Yeah. Or to blame your unhappiness on the situation you're in, if you haven't given the situation, you're full one hundred percent. Yeah.

And I can see in my example of when we first moved here that I was not giving it a hundred percent because like you, I would drive back to Boston a lot of weekends to see my friends,

which means I was not here trying to make new ones. Yeah. I was actively campaigning against the current situation by finding the exit. Yeah.

“And that's why you have to ask yourself, am I giving it a hundred percent?”

There's this famous author, Oak. Yeah. Andrewx, he wrote this by landmark bestseller how to get the love you want and he has this phrase about being in a relationship and you need to close the exits. Yeah. And I can see that retreating to my old life kept me from actually learning how to be happy and creating my new life.

Yeah. What do you see? For me or for you. Either I'll take, I'll take your insights. Yeah.

The relationship, while amazing, definitely hurt me and stopped me from appreciating the place that I was currently in.

And because I was able to keep going back to that outlet, I never truly had to work to get out there to go do these things.

And what's interesting is you and I are both talking about kind of physical examples like I'm going back to Boston. You may be coming back here, you're on the phone, you're physically with somebody. But you can do this mentally. Like you can be in a relationship. Like I know a couple people right now that are in marriages and they're really not that happy.

And they, you know, after a couple glasses of wine, it'll be like, you know, I sometimes wonder like what would have happened if I would have just, you know, stayed with my colleague. And I'm thinking, oh, you're mentally not a hundred percent in this. And so if your energy is starting to shrink and you're starting to compare. And now you're not even a hundred percent in this. You are mentally somewhere else.

And our case, we were like often physically in other places. Then it's not really fair to judge the situation you're in. Because you haven't given a year, you haven't said yes, you haven't stepped into the reality. You're like in your mind in some fantasy, you're in the exit. That's true. So what changed?

What changed is at the start of second semester. So that month of December, January, I made the choice against, you know, it's the last thing I wanted to do.

So because we tried it freshman year when I actually first went to school and we broke up.

“But we would still talk to each other. So we were very much like still in it.”

Like we said we were out, we were in.

And it trust me, like freshman year, okay, would be like, it's amazing.

It's the only thing I wanted. But before school started in January, we decided to end the relationship and go full no contact. So why was the no contact thing important? Because you can break up and you can stay in contact. But then I would argue that the exit is still technically there. Like you can still fall back on it.

And you can still go back to, well, again, that's what happens freshman year. Because freshman year we broke up and then two months in, we got right back together. Because the exit was still right there. And I was itching to take it. And so I took it. And so when we did it a second time, I, we, we made the choice that we were going to burn the exit.

And we're going to say, if this is going to happen again, like it'll happen way down the line. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But for now, we're in two different places. And we need to be in those places.

“And so the exits were taken away. And that's why no contact is so important.”

And obviously, it sucks at first. I can, I can agree with any of you who are in a relationship or are currently breaking up that no contact sucks. Because all you want to do is talk to them. But it does become a million times easier. I would also like to add that I was not amazing in the relationship. I was so unhappy in the place that I was that on those weekends when I would show up on a phone call or I would see her in person.

Like I was miserable. And I was not fun to be around. And I was just not a good person to be in a relationship with, to begin with. I think it's really important to say that also while I was in the relationship, I was a firm believer that I could make things work.

You know, I was, I believe that everybody says like, oh, long distances and always the best.

It's important to be where you are. And I was a firm stubborn believer that I could be the one percent like I'm different. You know, like I can rise above and I can be in this relationship and I can love this place that I'm in. And I gave that the shot and it really didn't work out. And so I knew deep down that like I had to switch it up and I had to change something and try. When you close the exits and you go back, now 18 months into a place you can't stand or your miserable lost and you hate it.

And you've got a brand new attitude, which is this will never be that, but I can make it something. You are now saying yes. Like what shifted almost immediately? Making those decisions to change the way I've been living kind of inspired me in a sense to actually like get myself out the door. What do you mean?

Because I was like, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I am like trying to have this new mindset and so it would be a disservice to me and everyone else to just continue living the same way I have been. If I were to have just like broken up with her and like trying to go into school with a new mindset and then continue to just sit in my dorm every day like it would do nothing for me. And so I was like, oh, it to me and them to keep going and to try these new things. Well, that brings me to the fourth thing on the checklist.

Yeah, if you change nothing. Nothing will change. Correct. Yeah. And I love that you said it's a disservice to you.

Yeah. Because imagine a world where you could look at any chapter you're in and say, okay, whether it feels good or not, whether it feels like I thought it would or not, that's beside the point. Yeah.

“If you look at life like everything about life is for the experience.”

It's not for the purpose of being happy. It's not for the purpose of achieving the goal. It's not for the purpose of anything but the experience. Then every chapter you're in can have something positive. Yeah.

And maybe the experience is learning that you can create new friends, maybe the experience is learning that there's strength within you that you didn't realize. Maybe the experience for you is, wow, I'm really stubborn.

And I need to like have a breakthrough in that or I miss out on life.

Yeah. And what I love about this fourth takeaway is if you change nothing, nothing changes is it really helps you with that question. I mean, or is it the situation because if you've changed. Yeah. But nothing has changed about the situation.

Guess what? It's time to change a situation. Yeah. It's not you. It's the college.

It's the job. It's the, like I have another example. You know, your oldest sister worked for a massive multi-national cyber security tech firm.

She was there for three years. And it was rough.

“It kind of had a company culture where they worked hybrid.”

It was super engineering. It was very, very, very, very international and a lot older. Yeah. And so as a 20 something starting her career, she just was struggling to meet people her age to have any kind of life with colleagues. And she poured herself 150% into it.

She got promotions. She started the young professionals group at the company. She got money to be able to do, you know, stuff for the group.

She got bonuses called like she threw 150% and because she had never had a corporate job.

She had nothing to compare it to at the end of three years. She showed the change everything. She still didn't like it. Guess what? She can leave that job knowing I have no regrets.

That was the right decision. Yeah. If you're in a relationship and you've changed and you've stopped comparing it. And you've accepted the person in front of you and you've shifted your energy and your expansive. And you've done that for a year in a long-term relationship.

You've gotten now all this data? Guess what? If that didn't change a situation, then it's time to change the situation you're in.

“But I think more often than not when you go through this checklist.”

What you're going to see is that you haven't changed it. And if you haven't changed and nothing changes, then the situation isn't going to change either. Yeah. And your only power is in the changes you make.

And whether it changes the situation or not, I think is irrelevant. I personally think it's irrelevant that you started loving college.

The more important breakthrough here is you recognizing that at any moment that you're unhappy.

You have agency to change things about how you're showing up. Yeah. And in changing how you show up, you change. You bro, you experience yourself differently. And almost every time it changes the situation for the better.

But even if what it shows you is you're in the wrong situation, that's an amazing change too. Yeah. I think one thing, looking back that I learned is that I'm capable of living through the discomfort of being upset. And I'm capable of doing something about it or like not.

I was able to live through this sadness and loneliness for a year and a half and do nothing about it. And does that scare you? It really scares me because I mean, I wonder how many people are currently doing that.

But I also, I think I could have done it longer as well, which also scares me.

Well, that scares a hell. Yeah. And I don't know if that's a good take. I think that's a decent take way to have to know. Well, I don't know that it's a good thing.

“I think it's an important insight about yourself.”

Yeah, that your tolerance for unhappiness is something that is, you have a capacity for that. Yeah. That you, it's not that you should take it seriously. I think it's a very wise insight to say, wow. I could have been miserable for a lot longer because I became very complacent around it.

And very, like, right about it. Yeah. And that scares me that I will allow myself to sit in misery for that long. Yeah. Especially now that you know that you also have the ability at any point to decide that you don't want to live like that anymore.

Yeah, that's the, that's the next takeaway is just that I'm fully capable of making that change and appreciating the place that I'm in and loving where I'm out and making those choices to see if I can. Oh, maybe I should say like using the checklist. You're going to see. Sure. Well, now that you haven't, you didn't have it then.

I did not have the checklist. That's true. Yeah. And like now I know that if I find myself in a similar situation, I can use the checklist. And I can, what would you ask yourself?

Because you'll find you're going to have this happen to you again. I will, yeah. When you leave college because now you love it. Yeah. And then you're going to find yourself adulting in your 20s and your friends are going to scatter and then you're going to have another one of these periods.

Yeah. And so, and you'll have another one of these periods if you go through a breakup. Yeah. And then you're in the period where you're single again and it's scary to like take a risk and you might have this feeling again. If you move somewhere, you know, after college and you're like, did I go to the right city like life is full of chapters that feel good and that feel terrible.

Yeah. Exactly. One question I want to ask you is when you went back to school after 18 months and you've closed the exits and you. This before things started to get good and this guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you don't just like shift your attitude and you're like, okay. It's true. You know, somewhere in the 8,000 students here is my most favorite person that I haven't, I've ever met my whole life. I'm going to find them today.

Like, you don't just like, spring out of bed. Yeah. How hard was it? It was hard. Describe.

Was that me?

“I remember how I was feeling when I was first coming back.”

And I had two prominent emotions and the first one was fear.

So very scared. You know, I didn't have my outlets anymore. And I was going in all alone. And then the second one was excitement, though, because I had this 18 months of hardship. And I was like, if things are ever going to get better like now's the time.

And I was excited for the idea that things were probably going to get better. And they were definitely going to get better. And so first few weeks, they were tricky. You know, I was freshly out of a relationship. You guys know how that goes.

You know, it's hard. It's really hard. Because you're unlearning life with your unlearning life. And it's so difficult. You know what, I found hard.

Yeah.

Is that when I finally stopped comparing life here to life where I lived for 26 years.

And when I really started saying yes to everything. And when I like checked my energy and I was expansive. There's this period where you are letting go of what was. It's like it's almost like it's like grief. Like there's a grief in it to finally come to terms and accept the fact that this is where you aren't.

This is where you are now. And that you can't you can't go back. And it's sad and it's scary, but it's also beautiful in a way because you're about to create this new wonderful chapter.

“I think sometimes the reason why we don't see the full opportunity of the new chapter is we're not ready to say goodbye to the old one.”

Yeah, you know, okay, I wonder. Was there a moment where you all of a sudden realized? Wait, I'm really happy. Yeah, there is one specific moment and it was just like an almost school day. You know, I went to class and I got lunch with some some friends that I would consider like close friends now at that point.

And we were just going about our days and then come the end of the day. There was a sports practice and then after that a friend and I. We decided to jump in the car and go get food and we came back and we just parked on campus and we sat in my car and like the pouring rain for four hours. And we just talked about our lives and we really like we really got to know each other. And just like in that moment, I was like, oh my god, like this.

I remember looking around listening to the rain just being like, this is amazing. I'm so I'm like happy, like I'm so happy.

And it was just like the first 18 months of college all I wanted was like a super close guy friend that I just could talk about anything with and like have these like super cool moments with and like that was it. And I had that where I was just like, oh my god, like this I did it like I got this like this is incredible. And then from that point on like every day it was just like, oh, this is this great like I have these people and like I have all these friends and like this I feel valued and it's just this is incredible.

It does take time. It takes time.

“And that's why I think if you lower expectations and you stop comparing and you expand your energy and you say yes and you close the exits and you really just be where your feet are in this chapter.”

You'll be shocked by what can happen in a year. Yeah. That some of the most favorite people that you have ever met in your life, you can meet in a town where there are more cows than people. And you can surprise yourself by how you can be content and happy in the chapter that you're in. Even if it's not the same as some of the chapters in your past where you were wildly happy.

And I think that's a beautiful thing to know that any time in life or your questioning, is it me or is it the situation?

Yeah.

And if you change the one thing that you can, which is you, your attitude, your energy, your actions, your mindset, everything changes.

And I also love this list because if you're really questioning whether or not you are at the wrong job or this relationship has run its course or it is time for a change. And you are questioning should I move? Should I not move? Should I change? You can go through this list and if you go check, nope, I'm not comparing check. Yes, I'm bringing energy check. Yes, I'm putting in a hundred percent check. Yes, I've changed to try to change how this feels and nothing's changed. I want you to know it is time to make the decision and change.

Yeah.

“And you should feel good about it because you did everything you could to make it work.”

And now it's time for something different.

You know, CS Lewis said there are far far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

It's true, especially when you realize you have the power to make the things ahead far far better than any that you're leaving behind. So go show up to your life and to this chapter. Use this checklist and I promise you things will change. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life.

And you know what I love you too. I love you mom. And I believe in your ability to create a better life no matter what chapter it is that you are in. Thank you. Thank you.

“I hope you use this checklist to make decisions.”

I hope you use this checklist to lean into the chapter that you're in.

And I'm certain that if you do, your life will get better. Alrighty. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. You're a risk.

I can tell you're nervous. I'm nervous. You're not. Why would I be nervous? Get your mouth up to the mic.

Okay. Hold on. Well, they said we can't talk yet. Okay. Tell her you guys are ready.

Oh, we're rolling. Okay. Rolling. Um, alright. Let me get my thoughts together.

Really quickly before I like word bomb and everywhere. You can word vomit. We'll let it around it. Great. Okay.

This is so.

“I mean, I think this is great, but I'm also your mother.”

Okay. I don't know if I don't know. I'm just going to like speak. I don't know if this is a good takeaway. Like I. Oh, yeah. Okay, great. Okay, okay, great. Great. Great. Great question. Oh, and one more thing. And no. This is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for

educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.