Arthur Brooks On The Crisis Of Meaning & How To Actually Find It

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So I would suggest that you check it out, go to join.wooop.com/roll for one month free of woo. When there's not happiness, when you see a lot of misery, there's a blockage of one of these three macro nutrients, so we've got an enjoyment problem, a satisfaction problem we're in. Today's guest is Arthur Brooks.

He is a Harvard professor and social scientist. From French Foreign Player to CEO of a Think Tank to Best Selling Author, and one of the sharpest minds on what actually makes people happy. This is a psychogenic epidemic, which means it's highly socially contagious, creates lots of misery.

Young people will say, "Life doesn't feel real, I'm living in a simulation."

“When did you first cut non to the fact that there was a crisis of meaning of foot?”

Like what is going on when you see a lot of unhappiness, then you got to figure out what's actually happening. The reason is because I'm delighted to have you back. It's great to see you, my friend. There's a ton that I want to talk to you about, but let's start with the macro nutrients

of happiness, which are enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning.

This third macro nutrient of happiness is something that the modern world is fairly inhospitable

to. It acts as an antagonist to meaning. Meaning that Houston, we have a problem, which is the reason why you decided to write this book. When did you first cut non to the fact that there was a crisis of meaning of foot?

What is going on? I came back to academia in 2019. I'd been gone for a while. I'm at a old school college professor, and I'd been teaching for a long time when I left in 2008.

I went to Washington, D.C., your hometown, and I ran this great big think tank for 11 years, and I wasn't thinking very much about academia, because I was completely absorbed in what I was doing. I wasn't paying attention on what was going on in campuses.

In 2008, as recently as 2008, college students were happier than people not on campus.

“They were falling in love, and they were making friends, and they were experimenting with”

dangerous and weird ideas, and having their minds blown, and they were partying. When I came back in 2019, depression rates had tripled, clinical anxiety, or generalized anxiety was up by a factor of two. There was loneliness, campuses were racked by protests, and identity politics, and cancel culture, and it was a completely different world.

Of course, there's a behavioral scientist. The first thing I want to know is sort of Sherlock Holmes, what caused this, and so I went in search. When you see a lot of unhappiness, which, you know, these mood disorders that really, really high levels represent, then you got to figure out what's actually happening.

You always know, when you go into a company or a family or into a culture, and you see

a lot of misery, there's a blockage of one of these three macro nutrients. So the three parts of happiness, it's not a feeling, happiness isn't a feeling, feelings or evidence of happiness, that's the smell of dinner. The dinner is made of a protein carbohydrates and fat, and the macronutrient profile is off when it's not nutritious.

When there's not happiness, when you see a lot of misery, one of the macro nutrients is blocked or more. So we've got an enjoyment problem, a satisfaction problem, or a meaning problem. That's where the investigation started in 2019, and this is like the height of trouble. There's no evidence that young people enjoy their lives any less than you and me.

On the contrary, they enjoy their lives more. There's no less satisfaction, I teach it Harvard, tons of satisfaction, that's the joy

from accomplishments with struggle.

You and I are satisfaction freaks by the way. That's the reason that you and I have trouble with enjoyment enjoying our lives. Yeah, we're going to get into that. We need a book called "How to Enjoy Your Life," which I'll write that book for you and you.

You have this sort of trifecta. You could write a book about each of these macronutrients and where we're getting it wrong. Exactly. Exactly. But you and I have no trouble with satisfaction and neither do my students.

The joy of accomplishments after struggle, you're the maestro of struggle. I mean, just look at your background in what you've done in ultra endurance athletes. These are struggle people for an unbelievable sense of achievement. The trouble is when it comes to meaning, and especially people that are 35, and doubly especially people in higher ed, people who have all of the advantages, who shouldn't have

meaning problems for some reason they did. And sure enough, when you do the survey research, and you ask people, "Is your life feel meaningless?" The explosion in the answer of yes came exactly in 2008, 2009.

“It bumped along 15% of young people would say, "I feel like my life is meaningless."”

In 2008, boom, it goes up exactly contemporaneously with the increases in depression and anxiety. And what is the delta between that period of time and now, because now we're in 2026? No, it's up even more. So by 2019, that was before the coronavirus epidemic, and then it got worse. So everything got worse.

When everybody went home, and we were even more isolated, even more on devices, even more living the way that life had started to change by 2008, it was amplified by the lockdown. The reaction to the coronavirus epidemic. And then it actually weirdly didn't even get better when the coronavirus epidemic went. Yeah, you would expect that it would dip in the aftermath of that, but it continued because

the behavior changed. So all of the societal patterns, the way that we're living our lives, was exacerbated by the coronavirus epidemic, turned and metastasized into patterns of behavior that are very, very addictive. And so now in this investigation, I'm saying, "Okay, this has got to have."

This is a psychogenic epidemic, which means it's highly socially contagious, creates lots of misery, but has no obvious biological origin, it's not like flees on rats that create the bubonic plague.

But it turns out there are always neurochemical markers.

There's always neuroscience behind the markers of what we see. So looking at actually the misery that we find, there's a whole branch of neuroscience that illuminates, that how we've been using our brains wrong, especially since 2008, that weirdly makes it harder to understand the meaning of life. This seems to disproportionately impact two cohorts of the population.

Young people and drivers. Right. Right. Right. The reason is because all of the patterns, the neuroscientific patterns that we talk

about, where we use our brains in a suboptimal way, are most concentrated for people who

“don't remember the before times, rich in Arthur remember the before times.”

And for the more, for people who are entirely within the cone of a technologized, striver hustle culture is what we see with people who are highly educated.

most likely to be using their brains in a way that suboptimal can find in the meaning of life.

“I would it not also disproportionately impact young people who are not strivers who look”

around and do to socio political reasons aren't seeing a lot of opportunity and are kind of languishing in their lives.

This is sort of a different pattern that we've kind of always seen, as a matter of fact,

people who are languishing, people who don't have a lot of opportunities, they've always struggle. They've always struggled with a lot of depression, sort of a melancholia. And that's just because life doesn't offer them very much purpose, doesn't offer them very many opportunities per se.

But here's a part of the population that's really interesting. People who are not classified as modern strivers, you know, not trying to go to the best colleges, not trying to get the most cutting edge jobs, people who will come out of high school and go into the trades, they're in way less danger for depression and anxiety. And it's interesting because I wouldn't have known this, you know, I come from a family

of college professors. My dad was a professor. I was the first generation not to get a PhD until I got sucked into the vortex and

got a PhD in my 30s, but not all of my kids did that.

And I had, you know, one of my sons came out of high school, worked on a farm, and then went into the Marine Corps. It was a scout sniper in the Marine Corps near here at Camp Pendleton, California. And I got to know all of this friends, you know, enlisted Marines in highly kinetic, war fighting jobs.

I'm happy, I have tons of meaning in their lives, they weren't struggling. I mean, they're struggling with, you know, drinking too much, because they're Marines. But, but man, they had to go on on. And they were way happier than the people that I saw that I was dealing with the young people that I was, that was coming across graduate students and undergraduates and colleges.

So what you find is that there was something about this technologized life, the life in the simulation, which is how a lot of them talk about it, that was foreclosing the opportunities for finding meaning, and that's where the investigation took me. I started to look at what neuroscientists were saying about where the meaning of life is found, neurophysiologically, and why we're not able to do that anymore, and to be

more most at risk. And then most importantly, what do you do? Yeah, the big differentiator is the advent of all of these technologies that have essentially rewired our brains, and completely changed our relationship with ourselves, with other people, and with the world.

And this is really the essential driver of this crisis.

Yes, that's exactly right. And this gets back to the work of there's a great neuroscientist.

“Have you ever seen him in the Gilchrist, on your show?”

He's at Oxford, and he's the most Oxford guy ever. I mean, he, you know, he wears a lot of tweed, and he's a, it's great. He's one of the great intellectuals of our time. And he, he has this, he brought back the idea of hemispheric lateralization, which is a fancy way of saying that the two sides of the brain do different things.

When you and I were kids, we talked about arts, people, and analytical people, right brain left brain. That actually doesn't hold up, and so that was largely abandoned. But the two sides of the brain, they do ask different kinds of questions and govern whole different areas of life.

The left side of the brain governs the complicated problems of life, the how-to and what question, the technological stuff, the answers to the things that, you know, the problems that we're trying to solve. You know, you want to write a piece of software or find your way from, you know, here to LA, you use the left side of your brain.

The right side of the brain governs why questions, mystery, meaning, the things that we really care about. So to get along from day to day to day, to make a bunch of money, you need the left side of your brain up and working. But to understand why you'd even want to do any of that, that's the right side of your

brain. And, you know, so I've delighted that I know your wife and who's going to show us sometimes. And Julie's a right brain adapt, yes, she's about mystery and meaning. She's all about mystery and meaning, every conversation is about mystery and meaning. And some people are really, really strong at that.

“And my guess is she's not pasted, we're phone all day long because if you want to miss”

the meaning of your life, spend all day online, what that does is it forces you into left brain activity? If the only questions you ever ask are being typed into a Google search bar, those are not meaning questions, those are how and what questions. Chat, GPT can't ask, or can't give you any information about questions that really matter

for the meaning of your life. And that's the world that we're in habit. And here's where the penny dropped from your edge. So I started, you know, when I see the data and I'm on to something, I know where I'm going, but I start talking to people, interviewing people, and listening to the words

that keep showing up again and again and again and again, because that's how you actually learned something. When you and I were in the Himalayas, when we're with the Dalai Lama, and he noticed that he would keep saying a word again and again and again and again, I happened to notice that.

And that's because that's the word that you need to hear. Yeah.

“That's the word that that's on your heart that you actually need to become conscious of.”

And he knows that because he's super adept. When you're listening to young people talking about their misery, they'll start talking about it again and again. They'll just keep talking about, I don't know what I meant to do, my life feels meaningless, et cetera.

But here's, here's actually how I started to understand how technology feeds into all of this. Young people will say again and again, life doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm, I'm in the matrix, I'm living in a simulation. And when they talk about their lives, dude, it's a simulation.

I mean, you get up in the first thing you do is you look at your phone because that's

your alarm clock and then, and you get up and you go to work, which is on Zoom and then you date on the app and your friends are on socials and your sense of accomplishment might come from gaming and guess what? That's a simulated life. That's a, that's a, that's a left brain's simulacrum for a real life fully alive.

And the one thing you can't ever simulate is the meaning of your life. We're already in the matrix. The matrix is here. Our lives are being increasingly controlled by the algorithmic gods. And we spend our lives staring at devices with intermittent real life experiences, which

are quickly and more rapidly dwindling and fewer and far between the average child under 12 spends between 4 and 7 minutes in nature a day. I mean, between 4 and 7 hours a day on the screen. And the reason why that's salient in this conversation is because when you're engaging with a life in that way, you are depriving yourself from being able to engage with your right

brain. That's correct. You're depriving yourself of the opportunity, the space, the bandwidth, the boredom to reflect on the why and the mysterious questions of life to sit with the questions that actually matter the most, you're distracting yourself from, as they say, doing the work.

Which you automatically will do, your brain is designed for you to think about the meaning of life. That's the reason that, you know, great granddad role didn't come home and say to his wife, "Honey, I had a panic attack behind a mule today because this brain was working the way it was supposed to."

But now I can open up, you know, choose your social media app and I can watch short form

“videos of people telling me what the meaning of life is.”

And so I've got that sorted, sort of, so we think, and here's the irony of it. Your great grandfather, his life moment to moment was pretty boring. But his life wasn't boring at all. And if you're scrolling and looking at funny reels and online because the light is taking

too long to change and you're always distracted, you're never bored moment to moment

your life is unbelievable boring, it's boring at the meta level. Why? Because a boring life is bereft of a sense of meaning. And an interesting life is full of meaning, not with standing the boredom that you endure from moment to moment.

That's the paradox. So the left brain, you call it the emissary. It's all about the how and the what, right? Good thing. Space, this is what AI is very good at, what AI is incapable of is engaging in the way

that the right brain does, which you call the master or you describe in the book is the master. And there's the distinction here that I think is super interesting. The left brain is very good at solving complicated problems and the right brain is the master of solving or at least conjuring and asking the complex problems.

So there's this differentiation between complicated and complex. Right. And that sounds like a real technical difference and input, in fact, that language comes from mathematics. So my father was a mathematician and he would talk about the difference between complicated

and complex problems. It turns out it's pretty simple. This distinction complicated problems are very hard to solve, but once you solve them they're solved, designing a jet engine was unbelievably complicated, really hard to do.

But now we stamp out jet engines and the planes never crash.

It's unbelievable. I mean, making a toaster is complicated. Lots of things are complicated.

“And that's what we train people to do in school today.”

That's what the hustle and grind culture does is it trains you to do that. That's the questions that you where you get answers from ChetGbD that actually make a lot of sense are complicated questions, answers to complicated problems. There are complex parts of life. The right hemisphere parts of life are super easy to understand and impossible to solve.

So your marriage to Julie is complex, not complicated. You'll, you'll, you'll, you'll never solve it. There isn't a solution to it. No, no, it's not an equation. You live with it.

I mean, I've been married 34 years and I'm super in love with Esther and I will be gazing

And I will never solve that problem.

I never will. I mean, we'll probably have an argument when I get back today. We probably will about something stupid. It's like decades and decades and we have children. We have grandchildren.

And we're going to have lots of grandchildren in our life as full of abundance and love. And we worship God together and we're still going to argue over the, who took out the recycling.

“It's so impossible to solve and yet that's why I love my marriage.”

You know, I, I like to watch football because it's complex, not complicated. I, it's very easy to understand, but I don't know what's going to happen and there's no computer that can simulate it, which is why it's exciting to watch. That's why sports is awesome because it's a complex thing. You love your cat because your cat is complex.

You don't love your toaster because your toaster is complicated. And this is a world that's telling us that all the complex things have a substitute that are complicated. The world says, you want to date? That's really complex. It's kind of scary and kind of dangerous.

I'll tell you what. I'm going to solve that problem for you with this complicated algorithm. You want to know people and have friends because you're lonely. Oh, I got a complicated way to solve that problem, it's called social media. You know, it's, it's, it's complex finding a job and, you know, going to work and interacting

with colleagues. Here's the complicated curve fit. It's Zoom work at a distance. It's all complicated solutions to complex problems and that's bereft of meaning.

“The most complex problem being, what is the meaning of life?”

What happens to us after we die? What is God? You know, what is, what is beyond the universe? All of these unanswerable questions that conjure the ineffable. And the, the left brain wants to find answers to all of those questions.

And on some level, so does the right brain, but the right brain is, is engaging with the mystery of it. It's not results driven, it's not about finding the answer, it's more about like marinating in the question. That's right.

It reminds me of, do you remember this, it was one of the early TED talks that became viral that JJ Abrams made the filmmaker and it was called the mystery box. And he was talking about his philosophy of storytelling and how he, you know, he created lost like these, you know, that hit show. And he understands that the anticipation of, of the audience is to want to know like what's

going on on the island and, you know, like, what happened, you know, what happened to people.

But answering that question is always unsatisfying, that's the anticipation of the answer

or it's the journey of just being in that question that is so engaging for an audience. And I think the same applies to this idea of complex questions and answers completely. And, you know, people ask me a lot because I'm, you know, I'm a religious person. And people ask, what, how do you get into it? How do you get into it?

And, you know, I live in this intellectual world and you say, well, let's, you know, get a bunch of books on apologetics. Apologetics are intellectual, are intellectual arguments for the existence of God. For example. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Because that's a left brain way to understand a right brain problem. The way to do it is to go away and pray, to go walk a pilgrimage, to pray your rosary, to go sit in meditation, you're, you're not going to solve the problem. Or you're going to do it. Or just sit with a Zen colon or, you know, the, the, the, the, the, you know, the, these, these

dualities that are opposing forces that are both true and false at the same time. That's exactly right. And the colon is a perfect example of that. Every religious and philosophical tradition is based on questions. And here's the weird thing about questions that don't have answers.

You remember when we were kids, you remember Coco the gorilla. Yeah. You remember the Coco the, Coco the gorilla was up there in Northern California, who, who learned a thousand words. So Penny Patterson, her primatologist of trainer trained Coco to sign a thousand words.

And she answered all these questions. People said, ah, it's, it's blurring the line between primates and non, and human beings and homosapiens. Ah, no, it wasn't because that's the same mistake as saying that AI is blurring the, the boundaries between machines and humans is not because all AI can do his answer

questions.

Coco the gorilla never asked a single question ever in her entire life.

No non human animal has ever asked a question.

“And the only thing that chat, you can say to chat, you'd be asking me five questions, but”

it's just generating things on the basis of knowledge that's extent. The essence of being alive is asking questions. Why questions with no answers? And that's what Zen Cohen's are really supposed to do. They're supposed to get you to exercise the right hemisphere of your brain to find meaning.

You know, it's the, all of the religious traditions actually do this is to, and you know,

and think about why am I alive and for what would I give my life?

“Yeah, I, you know, and a challenge anybody to put those questions in a chat, GPT, you'll get”

nonsense back, you'll get hilarious garbage back, if you ask, hey, hey Google, you know, what would I give my life for? Well, that's a very smart question that you ask. It's nothing. You, when you were, it's Stanford in what was it the late early 90s, right? Let's late late 80s, early 90s. And when you came back from a party on Saturday night at midnight or one, or something like that, and you'd hang out with your friends, and you have those really pretentious conversations in the dorm, that was one of the most important things you did in college, actually.

And now, of course, people aren't doing that. They're watching funny reels and videos and they're looking at their phones. And the result of it is that they're not exercising the right side of their brains, because the why questions are just going on a ask. It keeps them stuck in that doom loop that you talk about without an escape hatch.

“Yeah, the doom loop is a, is a really common thing for all of us who've been interested and involved in, in addiction and the pathologies of addiction, they all involve a doom loop.”

Where they're all based on something as eye atrogenic, which is to say that something that is supposed to help you and winds up making your life worse. So, for example, alcohol abuse is funny because alcohol abuse is most dangerous in the lives of people who are either bored or anxious or both.

Because booze is great for treating boredom and anxiety. The problem is that boredom and anxiety come back with the vengeance.

And so what solves your problem makes it, where that's like, that's our famous homer Simpson line to alcohol, the cause of in solution to all of life problems. And that gets you into the zoom loop. I drink because I'm anxious and tomorrow I'm more anxious, so I drink more and you escalate, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, all addicted behavior works in that way. And the same thing is true with the way that we use technology, the way that we get into these complicated solutions to life's complex problems, where I want distraction.

I'm feeling lonely and depressed and anxious. I'm bored. And so I look at my phone. Or I self-administer, I self-sude with technology, which makes it worse, and so I have to solve the problem more. Ultimately, the way that you get out of a doom loop of any sort of addiction is you got to clip the clip it.

“You got to recognize it and you have to say something's got to give.”

How do you do that in your own life, given the fact that your career is so intertwined with social media and technology and all these platforms? Yeah. And technology is funny because there's really two kinds of addictions. It's a kinds of addictions that you treat with complete abstinence. Those are easier than the addictions that you treat with moderation. You know, so if highly glycemic carbohydrates are a big problem in your life, the wrong advice is don't eat any more food. I mean, like, I don't drink alcohol. You don't drink alcohol. Life is better when we don't drink alcohol, but we're not going to die if we don't.

The truth is that technology today is much more like carbohydrates than it is like alcohol.

You actually are going to use it because the world has changed. And the world you can throw it into the ocean and go join a Carthusian monastery, but I'm not gonna. I mean, you'll have to pry my iPhone out of my cold dead hands to paraphrase Charlton Heston. That's not going to happen. So the result is that I need to learn how to use it as a tool, as opposed to administering it as a medicine. Yeah. For the average person, I know. I mean, Tyler, like, did an experiment of getting rid of the smartphone and he lasted for a while and was happier.

But ultimately, like, it's at cross purposes with some of the things that drive happiness because if you aren't available when your friends are trying to find you, you're not able to go meet up with them. You know, it just makes life too difficult in 2020 in the 2020s, right? So so you do have to develop a moderation diet, which is difficult. It's sort of like, well, I'm using it. So I might as well look at this now and look at this and then you're off to the races. Yeah. So there's actually

pretty good science that talks about how we can moderate it in very structured ways that work pretty well. So for people who have or kind of left brain types and who want to live by protocols, you know, people watch a lot of podcasts. There's three things to do and that will really, really change. So there's, there's tech free times. There's tech free zones and there's tech fasts. This is the three ways to think about it. Tech free times. The tech free times it really

matter a lot or first hour of the morning, last hour at night and meal times. And there's a lot

of neuroscience behind why that happens. Even though the neural programming that goes on in the first hour of the day is set in the first hour. And you're either going to be thinking with your,

running around and picking up heavy things first thing in the morning and actually not using your

phone while you do that, which sounds insane to a lot of people except that, you notice that you have your best ideas in the shower. That's because your phone's not in there. And so and work out time. I'm sure that you've felt that because you've done these, I mean, all night kind of deals. And you're not looking at your phone on the contrary. And this is almost a transcendent experience in, in no small part because you're exercising or opening up right hemisphere activity.

Meal times are really important because, um, one of the, homo, homo sapiens are evolved to, to get a lot of oxytocin, you know, then the neuropaptyid function is a hormone for human bonding when you eat together with eye contact. Sitting around a campfire, this is 200 50,000 years old. This is how it's weird because the idea of talking and eating and communing while putting stuff in our mouth, it doesn't sort of make sense. But in point of

fact, eating together without devices, even having an iPhone on the table, it's important that we not have devices on the table right now because I'd look at it and think notifications, messages. And that would, that would disrupt the oxytocin that I'm actually getting from looking

“at you in the eyes right now. That's why it's important that we do this show, not on, on Zoom,”

that we do it with each other, plus we're friends. I love how you couch it in terms of oxytocin. It's like a deliberate choice to message this idea, like sort of package it in a masculine way, like the, the oxytocin protocol. You know what I mean? I know it's funny. But this is like, so it's, it's obvious, right? Like we know this, you know, deep down we know that if we want to feel connected to other people, we have to remove distractions.

And I need to look them in the eye. And we need to listen and be present with them and engage. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I'm working with couples, for example, as I have to remind men that they're wives, they're girlfriends, they're partners, when they're with women. Women have three times as much oxytocin as men, because of the bond with infants. So they've evolved three times as much oxytocin, which means

that oxytocin is more important for women than it is for men to feel alive. And how do you get it with eye contact? Which is why guys need to learn when they're having a conversation with their partner to look at them in the eyes the whole time and just that protocol. They're like,

“I don't know why she's happier. That's why. Yeah. This is called the oxytocin marriage protocol.”

And there are four prongs to this. Yes. There is, there is ABT, always be touching.

Yeah. I contact as you as you mentioned. Um, what are the other ones? Julie's coming to me. Yeah. Having fun. Having fun is supposed to work her sing grievance, because that's reinforcing actual positive patterns as opposed to negative patterns. So it's not you know, it's like you said, let's work at our problems all the time. Poor water into the glass that has a little bit of dirt in it and watch all the water just

dissipate. I mean, all the dirt dissipate. That's fun. Have more fun together. Associated relationship more with fun and last but not least is prey together, meditate together, have a transcendent activity that goes beyond the hearing now together, because then you're wiring your right hemispheres together. One flesh, what that really means is

“two right hemispheres bonded together in an antenna to the divine. That's what that actually means.”

But again, this is why Julie said to me the other day that you are our newest relationship group. She sent me the video that you did on that. And we've been practicing it because I'm on this, you know, journey towards more intimacy. We can talk a little bit more about that. Well, because you later, because she's, she's your soulmate and, and she needs that and you want to give her what she needs. And this is the medicine to treat my strivers dilemma.

Yeah, my, my, my, my terminal case of strivers. We also need to talk about enjoyment, which is another magnitude, but we'll get back to that. We'll get back to that. We're kind of jumping

around and jumping ahead. And there's a couple other things about tap. Yeah, yeah, so the third

tech free time is the hour last hour before that. And a lot of that is disruption of the activity of the pineal gland and the melatonin, et cetera, et cetera. But basically, you should be paying more attention to your loved ones and less attention to your devices such that you'll rest better. One of the things that we know is that you will really disrupt your rest if you're looking at it, looking at the, at the, at the screen. So it's first hour of the morning, last hour at nine

meal times. Second is tech, tech free zones in your life. And the, the biggie is your bedroom. You shouldn't have a device in your bedroom. And, you know, the, the, the phone should be plugged in down, downstairs in a locked closet or something in the foyer of your house. And so it's just, you get out of the pattern. And it's very, it's actually pretty successful. People would say, and this has happened to me, too. Even if I do have the phone next to my bed, because I, I don't

ever looking at my phone night. And another tech free zone is a classroom, by the way, and I have to,

this is a public policy discussion. But, you know, there, there shouldn't be a telephone of a smart phone in any classroom at any level from kindergarten through PhD. That is insanity. 100%.

“The whole, the whole school days matter of fact. And the most important hour is lunch hour,”

because the socialization. And last, but not least, is tech fasts. And I recommend a four-day silent retreat for everybody for lots and lots of reasons. But a tech free, at least four-day retreat, spiritual retreat, meditation retreat, prayer retreat, religious retreat, whatever it is. And I know you do these things, and I do too. I mean, I go on retreats every single year. But four days completely away from your devices. These three things are a game changer.

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“arrived in this place, but we have yet to actually define what meaning is. I think when you say like,”

"Oh, my life lacks meaning, or I have purpose or I feel like what exactly are we talking about?" Yeah. It gets confusing for people. And I think when you say, "Well, you need more meaning in your life. That can be paralyzing for somebody because..." What are you supposed to do with that? It's too big. It's too big for sure. And like anything else, when you have a big problem, the way to solve it is to break it down into smaller problems. Like anything else in your life,

you know, if somebody comes to me and say, "I'm really, really struggling in my marriage." That's too big. You break it down into five or six areas of your marriage and figure out how to solve those problems. And what you find is when you're working on little problems that they scale up into big solutions. And so the same thing is true with meaning. Meaning really is a series of three little problems. The meaning problem is three smaller problems.

“One is the problem of why things happen the way they do in your life. And you need to have an”

understanding, a belief about why things happen the way that they do. It doesn't have to be my belief. A lot of people are religious and that's how they have, that's called coherence. Why do things happen the way they do? A big, why question? Some people are very scientific about that. Some people go down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories. That's a cry for meaning. And when you have a

looking for a sense of coherence because they're searching for meaning and they want meaning

because they want to be happier. And so saying you're more on, look at the science. It's completely unhelpful. The way that you deal with this is offering them a better sense of coherence. How does that relate to a discomfort with uncertainty though? Because sometimes whether it's conspiracy theories or religion or just looking for reasons why and how I ended up in this place, like, oh, you get out the red string and you can find the data points and connect everything and it makes

you feel like, okay, I feel some sense of control or at least I understand the landscape because I'm just uncomfortable with the fact that, you know, I can't make sense of it. And absolutely

“certainty it turns out is not necessary for a sense of coherence. So as a religious person, I believe”

that God has a hand in what's happening here on earth. I don't understand it. You know, the book of Job and the Old Testament of the Bible is all about not understanding pain and suffering. But that, but there, there is a logic behind pain and suffering. There is meaning. The book of Job is about suffering brings meaning and you don't understand why. That's the punchline of the book of Job. But that's a sense of coherence without perfect understanding because remember perfect

understanding is a left brain thing. The idea that there is coherence and there's a source of coherence. That's a right brain thing. And it's okay, you know, it's like, as I mean, I'm a behavioral scientist. I mean, that's where I live. And I believe that science that there's a coherence behind science, right, but I don't understand it all. There's so much about neuroscience. I'm just a hack. I don't understand anything. But I know that there is truth that lies behind it.

I've studied mathematics extensively for my, especially even when I was in graduate school, there was so much math I didn't understand. And I know that there was math explaining a lot of things that I couldn't get, but I knew it existed. I knew it actually existed. That gave me a sense of coherence. So that's number one is a belief that there is a structure. And you have a family of what it might be. So the question is, why do things happen in my life? Like, that's a pretty, that's a

heavy question. I mean, that's a profound question. And it's demanding, you know, a rigorous honesty. I think to really get to the bottom of it. Yes. So for somebody who maybe is unfamiliar with that kind of self-inquiry or probing, like what, what would be an example of that question? A lot of bad things are happening to me. Now, anybody who's been in recovery has out with us. A lot of bad things are happening to me. A lot of bad things are happening. I don't want to deal

with why bad things are happening to me. I'm going to stay inestitized. So I don't have to deal with why bad things are happening to me. Break throughs happen when you confront the real reason that things are happening in your life. And I want, I want the truth. I want the truth.

I'm going to get the truth. And it's going to hurt. And that's okay. It's an amazing thing.

“It's a, it's an epiphany is kind of how that works. And so that's what it comes down to. There's”

lots and lots of things happening. What do I believe? And I haven't, I have an exercise in the book that gives you five different possible explanations. Why? To get you started on it and put him in order because they're not mutually exclusive. And I'll give you an example of this. My dad was a head of PhD in biostatistics. He was a statistician, par excellence. And he was super religious. My dad was a super strong practicing Christian. And he believed that that God controlled the

universe. And one of the ways that he set up the universe was by creating random series of events. That he built randomness into the universe. And, and he's, and I said, okay, I'm, you know, I'm being a wise ass dad. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Add lesson. Yeah. Well, what's a miracle then? And he said, a long-tail event, duh. In other words, something is two or three standard deviations

out on the, in the, in the distribution with the random variables. He said, it's so amazing.

It's so sublime that God created the universe in this particular way, which says that there's not a, a discrepancy, be the, on the idea of a grand intelligence and at the same time, stochastic variation and what would happen in your life. But understanding kind of how you see

“things is really important. Do you believe in willpower? Do you believe in will, free will? Do you”

believe the, in the essence of consciousness? These are all the kinds of questions that you actually get into. And, and guess what, chat GPT can't tell you. Because all that will do is just exercise a couple of patterns in the left hand side of your brain. This is something to live with. Does it confuse people that you're a deeply religious person, as well as a scientist? Sometimes, although there's, traditionally, I mean, if you go back and look at Suraisignutan, I know Isaac Newton,

scientists from Times Back, if they're, you know, the early stages of the Enlightenment,

“they tended to be very, very religious people. Charles Darwin was extremely religious. He was a,”

he was very orthodox in his Christian beliefs. And here's basically how they saw it.

We see attention between the creation and the creator, but there isn't any attention. If I were an art historian specializing in Picasso, you'd say it was a pretty crummy historian of Picasso. If I only understood Picasso's paintings, but knew literally nothing about Picasso and had no interest in Picasso whatsoever. Furthermore, if I said Picasso doesn't exist, and he said, what are you talking about? Because I can't find evidence of them in these paintings.

I mean, I look, keep looking at the paintings. There's no Picasso in here. I keep reading Harry Potter and JK Rowling is not showing up in Harry Potter. That's the Pete Holmes joke. That's the Pete Holmes joke. Have you heard that joke? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The Picasso joke, actually, that was the example that my dad used to give. You know, I grew up in Seattle, and the, you know, the, the unique feature of Seattle is the space needle you've seen it before. Right. That was just there a week ago.

Over here, yeah, my hometown. And that was built it for the 1962 World's Fair as, you know, before we were born. And the reason is because the theme of the 1962 World's Fair was man in space. Did you know that? And I didn't. Yeah. And so the space needle was supposed to be sort of evoked images of space travel. And the big celebrity event at the opening of the space needle was

Garamon T-tov, the, the cosmonaut, the Russian cosmonaut, the first one to actually be in outer space.

And he, he gave a speech, spoken English, more or less. And he gave a speech saying, it was a total Soviet atheist, you know, line. I spent the whole afternoon with my telescope looking out into space and I saw neither angels nor God. And my dad said, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard because that's not where you're going to find God is by looking into the creation that God created. And, and that's the point, there is the physics and there's the metaphysics.

And you're just not very good intellectual if you're interested only in the physical side, but not the metaphysical side. The metaphysical side is the, the why of it all. And that's really, really where it gets interesting. To me, there isn't an inconsistency because I think the more steep you are in science, the more wild and magical and unbelievable everything gets, right? Like, which would lend itself to a deeper appreciation for just how insane. You know what all is like,

right up. Once you get to, yeah, okay, the big bang, but like why the big bang, like what was before, you know, all of that, right? Like, he's unanswerable questions. But did you just say, the miracle isn't walking on water, the miracle's water, right?

“But then you have to reconcile that with the scientific method, which is premise on the idea that”

everything is understandable through, you know, rigorous investigation. Right. And that is, all that is, is a left hemisphere curve fit for the mysteries of the right hemisphere of the brain. That's what it comes down to. It's like, I'm, I'm doing the best I can to apprehend in a complicated way, the complexities of the universe. And that's a good thing to do. But if you get stuck in that, you can make the mistake of thinking everything actually is complicated.

You know, but by the way, that is led to misery and the death of millions of people, you know, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels talked about scientific socialism.

Their whole concept of society is that it's ultimately a scientific system.

And that we can solve it in the same way that physicists are trying to understand the natural laws of the universe, the natural laws of nature. And people will follow absolute patterns, because it's all just atoms. It's all just molecules, not, not, not appreciating the fact that the people are complex. People aren't complicated in this way. And when you treat people like their machine, you will take away their humanity. They will become ultimately alienated.

And when they don't behave the way that you want them to, you got to force them to do that. That's all of the mistakes and all the demagoguery and nuttiness of, of, of tyranny of humanity's been based on that error. So we've made it through one of the three big questions.

“In man's search for meaning, we talked about coherence, the question you have to ask yourself to,”

you know, get to the bottom of that. That brings us to purpose and a next question. So purpose is often used interchangeably with meaning, but it's not the same thing. It's a component of meaning. Purpose is goals and direction in life. It's the why question of why am I doing what I'm doing. Not, not why do things happen the way that they do, but it's why am I doing what I'm doing? Why is rich role doing what rich role is doing?

It's the why am I continuing to do this podcast? Why am I doing that? Why am I going it and

for no reason, for no reason, then all you're doing is actually going in circles. People humans

“are made not for achieving goals, but making progress toward them. And this is a, there's a lot of”

research that shows that if you actually think that your happiness is going to come from getting to the finish line, you're, you're, you're going to be in a world of, this is one of the reasons that Olympic athletes, they typically suffer a clinical depression after they win the Olympic gold. It's because it's like, it's going to be so good. But then this apprehends have the limbic system actually manages emotional systems. We have emotions for no other reason than their, an alarm system

that we've ascertained a threat or an opportunity. Negative emotions say, look out, you've just perceived a threat. I'm going to give you negative emotionality so that you will be a versed to that threat, fear, anger, disgust sadness, positive emotions, joy, interest, surprise, say, I've just converted you to a possibility of getting a mate, having, you know, getting calories, survival, et cetera. And so I'm going to give you the incentive to approach is what it comes down to.

If you think that your emotions exist to give you a permanently good day when you win the

Olympic gold, when you win that race, when you get that billion dollars, when you finish what you're

“trying to start as a human being, you're going to be in a lot of trouble. What you need to do is”

to make progress in your life toward goals, but you gotta have the goals. And that's purpose. It is an intractable problem because I'm sure every athlete who's driving for an Olympic gold medal will say, sure, I know that, you know, deep down though, do they, you know, it's sort of like self-aware, it's again a self-awareness thing. It's like, yeah, I'm aware that life will continue after this, but still I'm going to go for this. And maybe, you know, on some level, like, I do

believe that like my life will be permanently better. That's because Mother Nature's lying, Mother Nature lies to us all the time. Mother Nature wants us to make the mistake of believing that when we hit the goal, all will be well because that's how we stay in the same the hunt. I mean, if you actually figured it out, if you actually figured it out that you can't, it's not that you can't get no satisfaction, you can't keep no satisfaction for more than like a minute.

Yeah. You'd stop trying and you'd, you'd starve to death, you know, you'd get hunted down similarly by some wild animal, at least in the place to see. And so the result is that Mother Nature, your ancestors passed on their genes because they were strivers and they were strivers because they thought that they would keep satisfaction from hitting that goal and then when they didn't, they got back in the hunt again. But that's, and that's not the secret of survival,

but it is the secret of happiness is understanding that. One of the great secrets. But this is a coin-esque sort of thing because we need, we need goals, we need things that we're working towards that we're engaged with. Right. But we can't be caught up in the externalities of those and what those will do for us when we achieve them or fall short of them. Yeah, the Buddhist solution to this is called intention without attachment. So the whole idea is, in sailing,

there's a, there's a concept, there's a very, it's a, it's a really common word in Spanish, El Rumbo. Rumbo means in English is called the Rumbline, our HUM, the Rumbline, which is the,

“the Euclidean distance between where you are and where you want to go. You have to establish that”

such that you can make progress toward your goal. You can't start sailing. Maybe it's America. I don't know, maybe it's India. So you need the Rumbline. But that's a very important idea in life.

The problem is that if you're only attached to the end point, the last, the pin at the end of the

piece of yarn, then life will become an exercise and futility for you. You need to have intention or you're not going to need to make progress. But you have to have detachment from actually getting there. It might be, India, it might be Hispaniola. But I'm going in this particular direction so that I can actually make progress in my life. And that's the trick. That's the trick. It's actually figuring out how to have the detachment to the goal while having intention toward it

at the same time. So coherence, purpose, and now significance is what is my life matter? What is my life matter into whom? That's love is what it comes in. People who are lonely, they have a lack of significance. People who are bereft of a belief that there is cosmic love. They really lack significance. And so this is one of the reasons that people who don't have love relationships in their lives who are too detached in no small part because of the misuse of technology,

which is incredibly detaching for people. It's incredibly isolating for people. That's how

it erodes their sense of meaning because of this last question because of the significance. If I ask you rich, who loves you? What would you say? My wife and my kids, my parents, anybody else? Some friends, close-knit group of friends. You'd be able to feel love of the divine. That's a trickier one. I'm working on it. It's a hard one. But the reason that that's an important question, not that you have to have an answer, is that living in the idea that you're a beloved

child of the divine is a search for significance and therefore it's a search for meaning. And you're not going to answer it because I defy anybody. Me included, like I'm a lifelong religious believer, but it's like, show me proof that God exists and loves you. Sorry. That's not the way it works.

“That isn't the way that it works. But that's what we need to be thinking about. You need to have”

people and entities and a world around you where there's significance, where your life actually matters.

And that's the third part of the meeting. I mean, this is the easiest on ramp. It seems to me

for somebody who's struggling with this question of finding meaning in their life, begin with, who are the people that are important to you and the people for whom you are important. And making a deeper investment in that is kind of an immediate catalyst towards meaning. Sure. That's the number one way that people start to find the meaning of the life. And when they're most lost is actually, it's one of the reasons that one of the great solutions to finding

meaning of life is giving your heart away. That's one of the most complex thing. So now we're getting into the escape hatch to the matrix. And you've got these very practical series of strategies to find meaning in your life. And the first of which, the very first one that you offer is this idea of giving your heart away. Yeah, well before that, of course, is clipping the doom loop. You know, you know, one of the things we talked about the tech and all that. So when people are in recovery

for substance abuse, they say don't fall in love with the person sitting next to you in a

12 step program. It's like first, let's get clean. Yeah, first, let's say. The hilarious thing in

recovery, though, is that people come in and, you know, when there's a bit of a pink cloud and they have a taste of sobriety, they want to solve all of their problems at the same time. And it's like, let's just deal with this, you know, or like, or there's the case of the person who is still in some degree of denial and says, well, I don't, you know, like, yeah, it's not that big of a deal. I need to solve these other problems, not understanding that you can't get off.

You can't, you can't even begin this journey until you resolve that issue. You got to get off the

“junk first. Yeah. You have to do that because that's what's actually hijacking. Remember,”

when you're in the doom loop, the solution to your problem is actually the cause of the greater problems, and you have to get out of the doom loop before you can actually live in a different way. That's what it comes down to. So once that's done, and then you're actually asking these questions, then the first very practical thing to do is to take the most complex risk of your life, which is to give your heart away. And we have every incentive in modern life. In the complexified

technologized modern life, there's pursuant, especially if you do 2008, to not give your heart away, to not take risk. Risk is the funniest thing because risk is not about being fearless. Risk is about being incredibly fearful, but being courageous. That's what it really comes down to. And that's a very right brain thing. It's to be, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. This is scary. This is dangerous. And I'm going to do it anyway. That kind of cognitive dissonance that tension

is it leads to a whole lot of a sense of meaning. And the most important one of those things is to do

that thing that nobody really understands. We just falling in love. Yeah. I heard you say to Tim Ferriss,

“like, if you find somebody and you fall in love with him, you should marry him. He was like, whoa!”

Not so fast. That's a little reductionist. I will admit. But I think what you're getting at is an important point, which is the way that dating culture is now with scrolling an apps. It's infinite choice. And if you're somebody who's in demand, there's absolutely no incentive to commit to anybody. And so you can just do this forever, but that is its own doom loop because it is a dopamine-inducing thing. Like, there's always somebody better on the next, if I just keep

moving my thumb up and down. Yeah. The paradox of choice is an absolute left-brain complicated phenomenon where more and more and you're trying to basically solve a problem in a complicated way. If I actually look at enough people, then I'm going to be able to optimize this. And that's actually not how it works at all. That is not how it works. You know, that's not how love works. You're not going to suddenly say, you know, in the 343 person you find is you're swiping

you and Julie wouldn't have been together under the current technological circumstances, probably.

I never would have, I mean, I'm married a girl who didn't even speak English. I didn't speak Spanish.

There was something complex. I mean, if I'd set up a dating profile, be like, yeah, I got to make sure this is this person, you know, I'd like really likes my kind of music and votes the way that I do. And, you know, likes to eat Saracha. I don't know. You know, whatever, you know, I'd be praying to date myself. And man, that's not hot. There's nothing soulful in that at all. And I just ran into an a music festival and the burgundy region of France, a girl who'd smile at me. And I said,

I don't, God's talking to me. I don't understand, man. And we couldn't even talk to each other. And I, this is the before times. And I quit my job and moved to Spain to see if I could learn a language and close the deal with this girl that I just had the premonition, right? That's pure, right, brain. At what point did she fly to, did she fly to New York? Yeah, not knowing if you were going to even show up at the airport? Yeah. Like, there's no cell phones or anything like that.

Like, this is, you know, you guys were way out on a limb. Well, yeah, she's a pretty entrepreneurial

“person. Life is a startup, I guess, but putting capital at risk. But she had the sense too.”

And we look at it now. And, and it's interesting because we've grown up together. I mean, I was 24 and she was 25. And yeah, we met in, in, in, in, be shown at a wine tasting. And we had an interpreter and we went out at a couple of dates. And I went home to tell my dad, I think I'm met the girl in a Mary and it's like, you're a hopeless romantic. And she came to visit me. I was leaving New York City and she came to visit me that that Christmas. And she, she'd been taking

English lessons for six weeks since then or something. I don't know. We still couldn't talk to each other. But we were just, we just didn't love them. We didn't know why. And we didn't know why. And

the answer is because we were one pulsating meta right hemisphere. It's what it came down to. There was

no, even if there were dating profiles, hers would have been in Spanish or Catalina, mine would have been English. And we wouldn't have been able to even read them at the whole point. And so when solving for love, you, you've already lost. If you're trying to solve for love, you've already lost understanding and living in love and taking risks and having your heart broken and trying again and learning, that's the way it's actually supposed to work. That's the way that we're, that's the

way we're involved. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a surrender. It's a form of surrender. You know, you can count it as risk. But you are wagering yourself for another person. And there's, there's just no way to know if it's going to work out. And trying to, you know, create a blueprint or a listicle of pros and cons isn't really the way that it works on someone. You take this

incredible leap. Yeah, totally. And you know, dating apps are a brand new thing. 62% of long-term

relationships now start on dating apps, which is a lot. They're getting better because now the really good ones are not trying to maximize time and app. They're trying to maximize time and person.

“It's basically, it's actually how we meet each other. But it's important to understand that that,”

that human connection doesn't actually work that way. It's nothing more. It should be nothing more than a tool of facilitation as opposed to a way to solve the problem. Much, much worse, of course, is, is algorithmic ways to strip love to its component parts. And I'm talking about pornography, of course. That's really dangerous. That's a really, really dangerous thing. And people get super addicted to it and it changes the brains and the whole thing. But most importantly,

it renders them in capable of the the right brain metaphysical experience of romantic love because it's reducing it to an algorithm, a digital algorithm and stripping it down to one of its component physical parts. That's not how we're supposed to, that's not to be alive, actually. If there's a silver lining in all of these technology advances that have us so hopelessly hooked, it's that the every day average person has a better understanding of the nature of addiction

than 20 years ago. Like, you know, oh, you're an alcoholic or you're a drug addict and, you know,

“like, I don't, you know, you have this disease. You're not like me. But I think, you know, addiction is a,”

is a spectrum condition and we're all on the spectrum. And technology has really connected us with the idea of how easily our brains can get hijacked and we can, you know, start to cultivate these these obsessive compulsive behavior patterns that we lack agency over controlling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I mean, human ingenuity is an extraordinary thing. How many problems we've solved. But also, almost all of the problems that we're little that we've turned into major crises,

it's has to do with wanting, learning and liking, which is to say the neurobiology addiction.

figured out that I can create an analgesic by eating some bark off a tree. And then I made it better

“chemically by turning it into something that nonsterraryllantin inflammatory drug. And hey,”

guess what? I can have narcotic drug and opioid drug. This is unbelievable. Now, 100,000 people are dying a year of opioid overdoses. You know, solving little problems and creating huge problems in a classic case of this is the human condition. I know. I mean, we just stumble into these things, you know, even with the best of intentions and create larger problems every single time. Yeah. And, you know, the classic case of this in the in technologies boredom,

we need to be bored. Our brains need to be bored. The default mode network of structures in our brain actually is completely necessary for finding an understanding who we are in the meaning of

our lives. But it's uncomfortable. Another nature is in care of it's uncomfortable because nobody could

ever do anything about it. Again, you know, the great granddad was bored a lot. And he didn't you didn't say, boy, I sure love being bored behind the mule because my boring job is so meaningful. Now, but his brain was working in the way it was supposed to. And, you know, my colleague Dan Gilbert at Harvard, you have had him on the podcast. I'm familiar with him now. Visionary. So, I'm a psychologist. He's the world's leading expert in boredom. He did these boredom experiments.

You know, the boredom makes no. They're awesome. You bring a bunch of undergraduates in the lab because they'll do anything for 20 bucks, right? And you put him in a room where there's nothing to do.

“Just a chair, 15 minutes. You have to sit there, silence in a chair. There's one possibility”

he gives you a key fob and it has a little button. And if you press the button, you've self-administer a painful electric shock. Right? So, and he wants to know, pain or boredom and a quarter of the women shock themselves. Two thirds of the dude shock themselves. Yeah. Because men are swinging out of boredom. Yeah. And so they prefer one guy shock to some 190 times and 50. See, he got thrown out of the experiment because he's a second twisted

freak. So, anyway, you get the point that we solve the boredom problem. The screen, the small screen in your pocket, is the solution to the boredom problem. But you need to be bored. Just like you need that headache. Just like you need the discomfort and our relentless ingenious search to wipe out the discomforts from life lead to these problems. And what we're seeing today, the meaning crisis is

just another example of the same thing we've always done. Have you seen this trend called raw

dogging flights? Yeah. It's interesting that this is now like an act of courage and valor, you know, to like sit on an airplane and do nothing, terrifying. You know, like, oh my, you don't have, you didn't stack up your iPad with all kinds of movies or bring a bunch of books. But it is cool that like, yeah, I'm going to do this. I'm voting for my boredom because it's important. There's a performative aspect to it. I suppose. And at the same time,

the bars have never been lower to kind of outpace your peers because everyone's so distracted. So if you can just purchase a modicum of, you know, kind of silence and serenity for deep work and focus, you're at such an extraordinary advantage in comparison to everybody else. Right. Now, when you gamify it, it may actually be a left wing left brain solution, right, brain problem, right, right, right. You know, one of my students, I mean, I teach an HBS. So they're

really, really competitive. They're awesome. They're super smart. And I'm talking about boredom and how the default modent works, works, and we're, you know, we're going to brain scan as the whole thing. I'm going to use my left brain to activate my right brain. I'm going to become great at boredom. You know, I'm going to become the best at boredom, you know, for example. And the whole point is that

“that life is supposed to just naturally have boredom in it. And there should be these moments”

where of stillness. And to the extent that we've gotten out of the practice of that, we can't, we can't cope with it. We can't, we can't tolerate it. All tolerance for that is actually gone down. And as it has done so, of course, that collateral damage has been, has been extensive. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. There is this gap, I think we all experience,

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There is this thing that happens at out-of-town events. You're on from the moment you arrive until you leave, which is great, but it's also a lot. I hosted this great conversation with Sanjay Gupta about pain. And what I realized was that all the running around the life, if I'm myself craving just space to decompress, not a cramped hotel room, but actual space, somewhere with a kitchen where you can make your own meals coffee in the morning, a living room where you can

sit quietly, spread out a bit, let things settle before the next thing. These are things I look for when booking a stay on Airbnb. And the thing is, when you're away on trips like that, your home is just sitting there empty. When it could be offering someone else that same kind of refuge,

“that space to actually be present in a place instead of just rushing through it. So the next time”

you're planning a trip, consider hosting your home on Airbnb and giving someone else a comforts you look for when you travel. And the extra income, that can be put towards a future trip or a home improvement project. Your home might be worth more than you think, find out how much at Airbnb.com/host. The other aspect of this giving your heart away idea isn't just expressing your love, you know, wagering your love, taking a risk on love. It's also taking the risk

of accepting love, receiving it. And you know, that can be for a lot of people. And I would include myself in this, like more difficult than the giving piece. Yeah, it really is. And you know, the the greatest act of love that you can give somebody else is giving them an opportunity to be their

“best selves. And that means you have to take their love. You have to give them an opportunity to love”

you. The greatest act of selfishness is never allowing somebody to serve you, never allowing somebody

to love you. And people do this all the time, you know, for all sorts of reasons. What is the source code behind the resistance to that? Part of it is, I mean, the source code behind the resistance to that is that that the love that we're expressing to other people is, yeah, I wouldn't say that it's performative. But I think it's pro-forma. I think it becomes a common pro-formist, the person that I, this is the person that I should be. It's love is duty, as opposed to love is the code of metaphysics.

Love is circulatory, like blood. And if you stop it, because you give it, but you don't take it to collagulate. And it becomes unhelpful. It becomes dangerous as a matter of fact. And the most selfish people that have ever met are the ones who don't allow themselves to be loved. They're the ones who will act in a very kind way toward other people. But ultimately, they close themselves off. They're isolated from that. And that's a misunderstanding of what love actually is.

Beneath the surface, I would imagine it's often driven by a sense of undeservedness or a fear, a fear of vulnerability. Like if I actually let this person know who I am, they would see how terrible I am, or I can't possibly be honest with this person. So I can love them in my own way.

And I suppose allow them to love me to some extent. But there's always like a veneer of separation.

Yeah, let's get back to the strivers dilemma, because nobody listens to the ritual podcast, who's actually not a striver. Let's just say that we have your heavily over indexed on striving individuals, we're watching us. And I admire that. But there's a particular pathology that actually comes into this about love. I see a lot of people who are, you know, heavily workaholic. Workaholic is a downstream pathology. Behind it is success addiction. On your show, we've

talked about it in the past. And that really comes from you. You get dopamine from winning. Behind that is a pathology that largely has to do with the way that you're raised. So almost every striver really hard charging successful individual. They have certain things in common in their childhood. And they look something like this. You get attention and affection from adults when you do something well. A's in school made the baseball team first chair in the orchestra. And so you

freely given. No, no, no, it's an earned commodity. And how do you earn it by achieving? So they're

“for you're not a human being or human doing. And that's how you go through life. A lot of people”

are like this. A lot of men are like this. A lot of men ruin their marriages by trying to earn their wife's love. You can't earn your wife's love. They can't be done. You can only accept the grace of love freely given. And when you don't accept the grace freely given and you keep trying to earn it with your achievements and your hard work and your personal merit and responsibility, you drive her away. I'm a textbook case either. You know that. I mean, when you say that,

it's just like it's like literally you're you're writing the biography of my life. I know I know

me too. Me too. And it's just it's funny because you know, and it's like, I have all these conversations

with very, very rich men, for example. And they'll say to their wives, it's like, you don't want me to work. You know, you want me to be around all the time. But I notice you like what we can do

“at all this money. And the wife doesn't have quite the words to say what's on her heart, which is”

I'd take you over the money. But if I can't have you, I'll will take the money. You see, this is a, this is a paradox. That's a, it's so kind of doom loop. It's a catch 22 that we're actually. And I was talking to a friend very, very wealthy, really, really, really super successful as an extra billionaire. And, and, and I said, because he was he grew up without nice things as they say. And he knew when he was in his early 30s that things were going well for him, and he

was going to get rich. He wasn't rich yet. But he knew he was going to get rich. And it's a really interesting thing. We're close. And I said, what did you think was going to happen and how your life was going to be better when you got rich? And he thought about it. And he said, I thought my wife would love me. And, and I said, what happened? And, and he said, she didn't, because that's not how

“love works, can't be earned. It can't be earned. And, and, and again, you can know that. But you have to take”

the leap. You must take the leap. And, and when you don't, it just means you're in another addictive cycle. When I think about my own relationship to this and, and kind of where I'm at now, I mean, going all the way back to the macro nutrients of happiness. Like, I've, I've got some covered, except for the enjoyment part. You know what I mean? Like, I've got tons of meaning. You know, and I'm so grateful and feel so privileged to have this vocation that is personally

meaningful to me and as meaningful to other people. And it's absolutely satisfying. And, you know, I get to wake up in the morning and and sit down with someone like you and learn, like it's just, you know, I can't imagine anything better. But I'm definitely a workaholic. And even though I know, after climbing many mountains and looking, you know, across the summit, you know, from the summit and seeing another mountain that I have to climb, I know that climbing another

mountain is not going to do anything for me. It might have some kind of short-term benefit,

but ultimately, and increasingly, it's at cross purposes with solving my fundamental problem

or my bigger problem, which is finding a way to enjoy this life that I work so hard to create and I refuse to be a casualty of this dilemma. Like, I am so resolved to solving it. And yet, I continuously get in my own way, you know, because I wake up in the morning and, you know, there's my wife or there's an opportunity to do something that I know will bring greater enjoyment into my life and will serve this goal that I have. But, you know, like, man, Arthur's going to

be here at 11. And like, I got, you know, I have so much prep. I got to do, you know, like, I can't let him down. And off I go, you know, here in the studio before the sun has come up. And Strivers, one of the things that they have in common, and this is one of the characteristics, one of the diagnostic characteristics of the Strivers dilemma, is if it doesn't put points on the board, it doesn't count. So, for example, a lot of Strivers, they keep very close

track of their biometrics, you know, and one of the things they're looking at, for example, is something stupid, like steps. The steps don't actually occur if they didn't count on your device. Right. That's a lot of people think because it's the scoreboard mentality. It has to go toward a particular thing because we're just collecting medallions all the time. Because that's the only means by which we feel worthy in the world, because we don't, we're not deserving of love

until we earn it. And even if it's just steps anything that will work us towards that earning mentality is going to be like an attractive lure that's hard to resist. That's the human doing,

re-new trends and let's kind of see, let's take stock here. Where one is the person with the most

meaningful meaningless life you've ever met, Friedrich Nietzsche, right? 10 is the person is Julie, really, you know, the deepest meaning of somebody you've ever met that you know personally, really well. What's your meaning number? I would say that I'm, so Julie's the 10 and Nietzsche's the one. Well, I don't know about Nietzsche because Nietzsche's life actually was pretty meaningless, but the person who's really, really at a completely struggling. Yeah, I mean, I would, I would put

myself maybe a six and a half. Like, I'm, I'm, I'm more than halfway there. Yeah, like in terms of

“happiness, like I think I'm at like a maybe a seven and a half. I think when it comes to the,”

when it comes to the enjoyment piece, like I'm going to say. Yeah, so yeah. So with meaning, you're at a zero to six and a half. I'm not dancing around it, you know what I mean? I'm like right there and there's something that's preventing me from taking that risk. Yeah, I think. Okay, what about satisfaction? Satisfaction is high. I think you're probably at night. Yeah. I mean, man, you're killing it. What's your enjoyment number? I mean, it adds in flow.

It's like when the kids are home over the holidays, like it's, it was, it was high. I had like some peak experiences, but I would say on a daily basis, it's probably, you know, around for yeah. It's classic. Let's call it me too. Me too. I mean, it's the same thing. And one of the things that that people who really struggle with enjoyment have in common is that early in life, they typically mistook enjoyment for pleasure. Pleasure is the limbic phenomenon where you're hitting the

ventral, tag mental, ventral, strata, areas in the limbic system of the brain. Right? And the secret happiness is not the pursuit of pleasure. That's the, that's the secret to rehab. Is the pursuit of pleasure? Pleasure is social and memorable, meaning you move the experience of pleasure

“into the prefrontal cortex where you can share it and remember it and manage it. You have to”

manage your own pleasure so they don't manage you. That's how enjoyment actually works. You can't get enjoyment if you have the achievement mentality, if you have the earning mentality, because you'll

always be going, you'll always default to satisfaction. The striver will forego, forego enjoyment

eight days a week, to get more satisfaction. Yeah, it feels like an indulgence. I don't need that because I get so much satisfaction from this other thing that I do that, you know, it's, I want to make sure that people I care about are happy, but it feels optional to me. I can go without it. Yeah, so let me tell you the story about this woman I interviewed for, the first conversation that you and I have when we met was from Strength to Strength, the book that I wrote

in 2022 and it's the first time we met. When I was interviewing people for that book, which is about how to be happier later in life. This woman is an icon in finance, my age, and at the time when I interviewed her, she was in her 50s. And she said, like, you know, you study happiness, people treat like a psychiatrist, right? And it was like, and she said, I'm, I've got everything I wanted in life. Everything I thought I wanted in life, I'm so unhappy and like, got to me.

She said, I mean, I'm roommates, my husband. I have a cordial relationship with my adult children.

“I used to go to church as a girl and I haven't. I don't know why. She said, you know, I think my”

employees are afraid of me. You know, I don't have any hobbies. My doctor says, I got to get to the gym and stop drinking so much. What do I do? What do I do? And I said, I mean, sister, you know, it need a Harvard professor to tell you what to do. You just wrote your own prescription. I mean, go away with your husband, get to know your kids. Take a souvenir and your company and step back. Go to the, go to AA, you know, get into the gym, get your life together, right? And she said,

I know, I know. I said, so why not? Because that's a real question. Why not? If you know what to do?

Because Rich, you know what to do. Why not? And she said, I've always chosen to be special, rather than

happy. That's the curse of specialness. That's the striver's curse. Any loser can have a happy family, any loser can have a good relationship with his kids, any, but not everybody can have a blockbuster podcast, not everybody can be an altar endurance athlete, not everybody can do that. And we humans, we want to be special. And we will sacrifice our happiness on the altar of specialness all day long. Now, most people, they don't have their option. They don't have the option, because the specialness

doesn't come along. He said, okay, I can't get rich. I might as well just go play ball in the park with my son. That's the code. That's the code. Because that's the happiness that comes. And so for the blessed few, you, for the blessed few who are watching us who were anointed with specialness, the happiness actually has to come on purpose. That's the hard part. That's the hard path to be

but there, and it turns out that they're, believe it or not, there's a philosopher that has written about this. Have you read Joseph Peeper? No. He wrote the four cardinal virtues. It's an easy,

“a great 20th century German philosopher who, you know, did electronically important work. I think probably”

his best book is called leisure the basis of culture, where he talked about the fact that you're understanding of yourself and our society's understanding of itself actually doesn't come from work. It comes from leisure, which is really, really weird and not an American way of thinking. We understand ourselves as Americans based on what we do. That's when you're a party. I'll say, you're saying, my name is Rich Roll. What do you do, Rich? And they don't mean like what do you do

with your kids? They don't mean what do you do with your heart? They mean what do you do? It's like going to have a podcast. Oh, podcasting, how interesting are you going to go talk about your work? He says that who you really are is based in what you consider to be leisure and leisure is not showing on a beach. It's not killing time. That's the paranoid fantasy of every striver is going to the beach and having nothing to do. Shoot me. And the reason that you do that is because

you're trying to not make your wife mad or whatever, something like this, leisure is learning,

“loving and worshiping. That's what I'm becoming completely excellent at that. Learning something that”

I mean, you prep like crazy for this conversation, but this is your job. I know you, I know

you enjoyed it. I know you enjoyed it in its way, but ultimately it was an achievement motivation

toward the learning. It's learning for the sake of learning. Then there's loving, which is working on a relationship, like a real thing. You know, I want to be better. I want to be a more elite husband. How do we better at that? And last but not least is digging into the metaphysics of your life. It's finding the transcendence. It's finding is getting in touch with your soul, actually doing the work that actually comes into that. And when you take time to do that and it doesn't compensate

you in terms of money or power or honor of the world, then your life starts to become enjoyable for the first time. I mean, it's pretty clear cut and you made a pretty compelling case. I'm trying to take my advice. Look, brother. I mean, how does it work in your life, Arthur? You have all this self-awareness. You're steeped in the science. This is something you're able to

speak about, you know, just basically so spontaneously and eloquently. But we're all humans and we

struggle our own ways. Like what comes up for you? So last year when we were an India together, that wasn't your job. But it was a deeply, deeply meaningful experience to you. And no small part because you were doing papers understanding of leisure, which was incredibly productive without having it compensating you in a professional way. In other words, you shared the enjoyment away from the satisfaction, right? In professional satisfaction, which is how you're really going to get into.

And it was also something that I could share with my wife that we could do together, which meant that you were working on the worship side and the love side and the learning side all the same time. I was working. So I was working. Here's the problem. I instrumentalize all of these truths in a way that gets me to greater satisfaction. It's the problem. It's just, it drives everybody crazy. Me and my wife and my kids, it drives them crazy because I can turn anything into a job.

Yeah. Well, it's the happiness protocol. The whole idea of getting into happiness to begin with was an antidote to what you were doing before that made you unhappy and then you manifested it,

you know, it turned it into this incredible career where you're in high demand, like you're traveling

constantly and you know, speaking, etc. And you're in your bliss, like it's clear that you love it and it's so meaningful for other people. But it means that you're not home. That motion, you know, there's there's challenges with that. I would not have to. I have to crack the code of the, you know, the peepers dilemma, the strivers curse. I have to crack this code and that's that's

“my, by the way, this is my goal for the next five years. That's what it's going to happen. That's”

how I'm going to fix it over the next five years you with me. Yeah. How are you at saying no? I'm pretty bad. I'm pretty bad because, you know, if you, if you give me enough time and advance and it's an opportunity to do something and I haven't done it before, if you say, you know, next February, right? No, no, no, because that's two, that's too close. Next September. Will you make balloon animals at my, my, my nephew's bar mitzvah and Fairbanks? I'm like

Fairbanks and in the fall. It sounds good to be, you know, when it's far away on the calendar,

experienced freak, new, new, new, new, new stuff, new stuff, new stuff, new stuff, new stuff.

And, you know, part of that is interesting because that's chronic seeking behavior. It's another issue when it actually comes to meaning, but all the macro nutrients have happiness. You know, the seekers really pride themselves and looking for truth, but there's chronic seeking behavior and what's really happening. I mean, you're, you've been outdoors a lot in your life and you know perfectly that if you're lost in the woods what you're supposed to do, stay still. Don't start

looking because they're more likely to find you than you are to find them. And yet what we do in our lives when we're lost is that we start wandering around. We start looking, looking, looking, looking,

“looking and what you need to do is to stay still so you can be found. That's a metaphysical truth”

is what it comes down to and that's a really, really hard thing to do. It's to be sought as opposed to

seeking. You, you talk about meaning as this thing that we, we think we're, we're searching for, we're trying to, we're trying to get it, we're trying to find it. But it's much more a situation of it finding you, like you, I've heard you talk about like did Steve Jobs, you know, invent the Apple computer or did he discover it? You know, it's like that Elizabeth Gilbert idea, big magic where there, you know, the ideas are all out there and, you know, when one descends upon you,

it's your obligation to express it. And if you don't, it goes back and somebody else expresses it, like we're receptors, we're receivers. And I think about like, my life doesn't lack meaning, but when I had this experience with with back surgery, like it was very clear to see a path

“to meaning with it, like God, the ineffable, the universe, you know, choose, choose however you”

like to, you know, count your relationship with the mystical and spiritual was giving me a time out for a reason. It's like, I resist sitting still, like I want to be on the go. I want to strive and, and God saying enough of that, we already know what that got you. The real learning is what happens when you're forced to sit still with yourself. So I'm going to take that away from you. And, you know, I had the choice of being resentful or just trying to figure out with my

left brain, how quickly I could get back to being that person I was before, or I could take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity to figure out how to become someone and something better and different in the future, rather than returning to some version of a person I was before. And I've really done my best to try to lean into that and acknowledge that. And as a result,

“it's been a profound experience instead of an annoying setback in my life. Right. Surrender is”

unbelievably powerful. This is an accident. Surrender is an example, and you know, I've talked

about this before, of not wasting suffering. Surrender is the way that you don't waste your suffering. So the math of suffering, suffering and pain are not the same thing. Pain is a physiological phenomenon. It's a neurophysiological phenomenon. It has a sensory and an affective component. The sensory component is, "Oh, you know, it's an inflammation oriented ordinarily." And the sense and the affective component is, "I don't like it," but that's an actual part of the limbic

system called the Dorsal Entryucinular Cortex that processes this affective pain. It's all, you know, psychology is biology fundamentally. That's pain. Pain is involuntary. It happens to you. Suffering is your struggle that ensues. The struggle that ensues against pain. Struggle suffering equals pain multiplied by resistance to pain. Pain times resistance. If you go through your life trying to lower the pain, you're going to have tons of pain,

because pain is going to come your way. And you're not going to learn anything. If you lower your resistance to pain, you will suffer less. Don't try to suffer less by having less pain. Try to suffer less by having less resistance to the pain. And then you will learn. And the way to do this is through metaphysical acceptance of these things. It's interesting, because you know you're in the zone of finding greater meaning in your life. This is how suffering

relates to meaning when your pain is high, but your suffering is low. High pain, low suffering. And you see this with people who are deeply enlightened. You see this with people who have tremendous physical setbacks and problems in their lives. And they have a deep kind of peace about them because their suffering is low, even though their pain is enormous. I mean, my mother-in-law, and in the last three years of my life, I loved my mother-in-law.

And I was very close to my mother-in-law. And she was bedridden. The last three years of life. She lived in '93. And she was in a lot of physical pain and a lot of torment about that,

And the reason is because she lowered her resistance to it. She lowered it through acceptance.

“And that's what you were, I mean, I talked to you when you were in this process of recovery.”

And you use the language of non-resistance. Non-resistance is stop resisting. When you're in pain, you have a bad breakup. People are watching us. They're a quarter. Have had a bad breakup in a recent memory. Stop resisting the pain. Stop distracting yourself in the pain. Lean into the acceptance of the pain. The pain is still going to be high, but the resistance is low. And you will acknowledge that tremendous pain, but you'll have less suffering.

And that's the source of meaning. The interim step is that not for somebody who finds themselves suffering is to understand that suffering is a teacher. Like if you are suffering, there is a message that is trying to be imparted to you. Your resistance to the pain is like this crucible of learning. If you're willing to deconstruct that and look at that.

“I mean, all of my bouts of suffering in the past have been incredible catalyst for transformation.”

And so I have a relationship. Sometimes I get confused between pain and suffering. But you know, I've gone through periods of pain. I've volunteered for suffering. I've suffered unnecessarily. But every one of those experiences in my life has been a catapult for growth and transformation. So, for the person who is in the midst of that, it's very polianna to say, "Well, this is your

greatest opportunity." You don't want to hear that. But ultimately, it's true. And people who have

endured these types of experiences often in retrospect, you know, later will reflect back on that. And realize like that experience is what set them up for the better life that they're enjoying now. Did I know the truth? Is that there's nobody watching us right now? Who, if I asked, when did you find, what was the greatest teacher of meaning of the meaning of your life? Would say that we could debitch in Ibiza? Not one. No, they would talk about a hard thing.

You know, when I was afraid, when somebody died, when somebody left me. And I found my sense of resiliency. I found out what I was made of. I was actually, I found that I had more courage than I thought I had,

“you know, that's what it comes down to. And it's, you know, people in recovery are really good at this too,”

because they stopped trying to lower the pain of life and they started lowering the resistance of the pain in life. And they've understood that the essence of suffering actually comes from the benefit from suffering actually comes from working the right hand side, not the left hand side of that equation.

Hence why you say, never waste your suffering. Never waste your suffering. If you waste your suffering,

you're going to suffer. But you're just not going to get anything from it. There will be no growth from it. So you get two choices. Suffering with growth and suffering without growth. That's like the old joke, death or cheaty, right? Where, you know, it turns out that cheaty is just horrible torture before you're put to death. And so you obviously want death, not cheaty. People are actually trying to lower their pain. They're, they're, they're working it in the wrong way because they're going to,

they're going to have the same amount of suffering ultimately. I see this. I've been seeing this a lot, you know, I have aging parents and the amount of suffering that is caused by the resistance to reality is really painful to bear witness to. It really is. And, you know, and that starts much earlier even than old age, you know, when people are, you're an athlete. And, and you're not going to be as good an athlete at 70s, you work 50. And when you resist that, when you cognitively resist

that, when you don't like it, when you spend a lot of time thinking about it, women really suffer a lot with age. And part of the reason is because the way evolution works, there's, you know, the perceived mate value plummets beyond, you know, years of obvious years of reproduction, not inherent dignity, obviously. And, and it had to be marriages, the, the value doesn't decline at all. But the whole point is that women perceive this a lot. And so the result is that they suffer like crazy. They suffer

a lot. And, and, and they try to lower the pain of that by by by by by trying to continue to be young and continue to be young and continue to be young as opposed to stop resisting the fact that aging occurs. But it's extrinsically impulse. I mean, the entire culture, you know, is informing that response. Absolutely. You know, absolutely. This is where we hate to lose things. And so we, we, we, we, we, we meditate against something that we lose, which is nothing more than

trying to lower pain. One of the things that that you talk about is this idea of, you know, love is not an emotion. It's a decision. And I can't help but wonder if you think of meaning as the same way. Like, is meaning a decision. Like, for example, with my back surgery. Like,

And I invested in that meaning. And that was very much on some level of conscious decision. I suppose. So if somebody is struggling with this idea of finding meaning and they're like, yeah, I can invest in my relationship. So I can, you know, I can do these things. You know, Arthur's got all these different, you know, threads I can pull and avenues I can pursue. But fundamentally, is there is a degree of choice involved? Is there not?

There is choice to invite meaning. Meaning can't be pushed. It's too, too, to get meaning directly

“is like pushing on a string. Which doesn't work. Which you need to do is to create the”

conditions such that meaning can find you. And that's really what we're talking about. Giving your heart away allows meaning to find you, asking the deep questions, pursuing beauty in your life, not resisting your suffering. What these things do is they make it possible. You know, it's one of the things I talk about a lot. And talk about this book is the idea of the pilgrimage. You know, the pilgrimage is one where you think you're looking for meaning and what turns

out that what you're doing is you're putting yourself in the position where meaning can find you because you're tired and you've got blisters and you're broken down and your defenses are low. And that's when meaning actually finds you. Which is one of the reasons that every religious

tradition has always had pilgrimages involved in it. Where you walk and walk and walk and walk.

I'm going to go find this thing and then it turns that it finds you and it's different than what you thought it was. Are you still doing the Camino annually? No, I've done it. I did it in

“2019, it did in 2021. And I'm, I think I'm going to have to have my back fixed before I do it again.”

I'm just walking along this. I'm going to call you. We're going to have to talk. But, you know, there's a lot that a lot of things that I do. And, you know, one of the reasons that I wrote this book about meaning is because I really wanted to help my students. I wanted to help people who are struggling with this. But I want this for me too. I want this for me too. I want to make sure that my, my meaning hygiene is appropriate. That the ways that I'm living my life make it

continuously possible at the meaning of my life will be present to me and will actually find me. I'm imagining the parent who's watching this or listening to this who has a young adult who's struggling right now, perhaps they're languishing or there's some indicia of, you know, some mental health stuff going on, they're noticing their child is disconnected or, you know, in their bedroom playing video, whatever it is, right? Like this, this is the epidemic. I mean,

every parent I talk to talks about this. What is the message A to the parent? And then B, if you were talking directly to the young person. Yeah. So, to the parent is, this is why it's happening. Right? It's not because the world is worse. It's not because the economy is more oppressive. Those things might or might not be true. But all of the explanations that the world is giving

“you of these exogenous circumstances that life is actually harder. That's not why.”

Here's the reason why. It's because that the circumstances under which your child is neural, neurologically getting through the world have changed. And that's a problem.

Then the second point is, how do you help the child? And the way to help the child is not

walking and saying, I just read this book by Arthur Brooks and there's going to be some changes and policy around this house. And by the way, when your kids are little, you should have some changes in tech policy. You know, your eight-year-old shouldn't have an iPad. They just shouldn't have an iPad. And it should not have, you know, an iPhone alone in the room, which is predators climbing out out of the screen. I mean, there's all kinds of comments that goes into this. And

parents don't want to fight those battles where they need to. But here's how to recommend this. And people ask me this all the time. It's like, this is good information. How do I get my, how do I get my young adult child? My teenage kid to actually pay attention to this. And the way to do that is to say, I'm learning about this thing. And it's having a big effect on me. And I would really like to know your opinion about this as well. Would you watch this and tell

me what you think? Would you read this? Can we read this together? Because I think I would understand this better with your perspective as well. And learning together. In the event that the kid is not receptive to that, which I imagine is probably more often than not the case. From a, from an emotional point of view, like how do you support the child? Like, how do you show up for that kid just on the daily? So that you're, you're kind of in the solution.

And, you know, at a minimum, not making things worse, worse. But actually, you know, kind of promoting a new trajectory without being the overbearing parent who's telling the kid what to do.

Yeah, for sure. The answer is modeling. The best predictor of your kid looking at her,

his phone during dinner is you looking at your phone during dinner. It's actually doing the things that we talk about. It's funny because people often ask me, what's, how do I get my kid to

or, you know, be observant in the faith? And the answer is, have them see you impeccable in your,

in your metaphysics. The number one predictor of a kid growing up in being religious is seeing their father being religious. It's a funny thing. But, but, and there's a reason for that. That's, that's generally in, in a traditional nuclear family. This is not everybody's family, but in traditional nuclear family, the dad is the physically most powerful person that they've ever met. I thought my dad was like nine feet tall. And, and I, I'm an, I remember, I remember asking my brother,

do you think he could lift the corner of the house? You know? And my dad would never have been on his knees before anybody. But, my dad was on his knees next to my bed, saying his prayers every night. And for me, that's what I meant to be a man. That's what I meant. And so for me to grow up and be a man

“is to be on my knees before the divine. Because that's what I saw. The best way that you can actually”

bring more meaning to the life of your child is to invite more meaning into your life to practice the hygiene that will actually lead to it. That's the way. Put on your own oxygen, that's first. Nobody wants to have a dad whose life lacks meaning. Nobody wants that. That, that's, that's how we bring this to the people that we love the most is by bringing these things into our own lives. And along the way, reserve judgment of the child. Of course. Because they're, they're playing out

their life in the context of circumstances they didn't choose. And, and I think that that the solution is always more love. You know, it's more love. It's like what the dolly loves it. Like I'm wearing, see this bread. I guess this is from the experience. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know,

the answer is always more unconditional love. Of course. It's, of course, you know, it's, it's

“funny because my brother gave me a great advice. He had kids, kids before I had mine. I said,”

so what do you do? He says, "Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Keep in close. Don't freak out." And thank God because there were freak out moments in my kids' lives. And there's no reason to withhold love. There's never a reason to withhold love. One of the things that I realized in reading your book and and going through all of these pathways towards meaning is that they also are pathways towards enjoyment. Like the things that I am avoiding or resisting doing that could bring my life

greater enjoyment are also the same things that contribute to meaning. Like it's in the venn diagram. There's, there's a significant overlap there. There is indeed, you know, like surrounding yourself with beauty, like on wonder, not suffering. Not suffering. Yeah, not suffering. Giving your hardaway, of course. And there's obviously, we're sort of giving your hardaway is not actually that enjoyable a lot of the time. There's certain parts of it that are enjoyable. But it requires

an investment of time and attention. Yes indeed. Yes indeed. You can't, you can't be working. Well,

you're doing. No. No. That's right. And ultimately, in the long run, it is a pathway to

enjoyment. Yeah. Is it not? Ideally, there's a lot of enjoyable things about, I have about my marriage for sure. For sure. The one I want to drill down on before we conclude today's conversation is this idea of transcending yourself. And going from, you know, the meaning me of it all to making your life about something bigger than yourself. Yeah. Yeah. This is the ultimate, um, kind of catapult to meaning. Yeah. Yeah. Transcendence is funny because, you know, there's a lot

of literature. A lot of behavioral science out there that shows that people who have a strong religious tendency, they tend to be happier. They tend to be happier. And the reason is because religion's virtuality are a real source of meaning. But it turns out it's not religion per se. It's transcendence, which allows you to stand in awe of something greater than yourself. So Ryan Halliday, who's phenomenal on on stoicism, of course. He gets tremendous transcendence.

He transcends himself, self-transcendence, from studying historic philosophers. I know people who do that who, who in in participating in an extreme athletic activity, and thus I know people who study the work so you go on Sebastian Bach, people who do the positive meditation. But the whole point is

“you need to get out of the psychodrama of your life. Otherwise, I mean, it's me, me, me, as you say,”

it's my job, my car, my lunch, my money, my, it's just rich, it's just so boring. And, and it's so terrifying and terrible and tedious all the time. And yet, Mother Nature wants you. I mean, look, think of all the dreams you had last night. You were the star and all of them, Mother Nature

surviving and passing on your genes. But it doesn't do anything for your happiness. You need to be

“in what William James calls the "I" self instead of the "me" self. Looking outward, looking upward,”

as opposed to looking inward, and you need ways to do that every single day. The distinction between looking outward and looking upward, looking outward, an example of that would be investing yourself in the betterment of other people. So it's committing yourself to a cause or just, you know, carrying yourself with the spirit of contribution, going into every room, looking to contribute rather than to extract, whereas the looking upward, that's the cultivation

of a relationship with the divine and an investment in the mystical and ineffable. They go together in a lot of ways. You know, the way you find is that when people really believe in living up to their their spiritual potentialities, that they tend to serve others more to. And what you find is that that these two things are multiplicative. Serving others and developing your spiritual self, these things go together really well. They're beautiful things that actually go together. And they enhance each other

in their ability to get you out of the knee self, get you out of the mirror, and thus help you find meaning, help you find through transcendence. Yeah. These are all vehicles for surrender, acceptance, and humility. Like it's a surrender of the ego. It's a humbling of, you know, your high sense of self. It's a dis abusing of your self obsession. And it's an acceptance that

“you're not the center of the universe. Right. You remember when we were with Adalalama and I don't”

know if this registered, but he talked about a photograph that he saw from 1969 photograph. It was called, what was it called, earth rise? It was that photograph that an astronaut took from the surface of the moon of the earth. Now for us, like, huh, interesting, that was mind-blowing in 1969,

because nobody had ever taken a picture of the earth, not an earth ever, first time ever. And it made

people like, whoa, that is like crazy stuff. And Adalalama said that he found that a very reassuring photo. Because he said it reminds me that I'm so small and that gave me perspective and peace. It's funny. And my university, most universities, the most popular class or one of the most popular classes for freshmen is astronomy one. And they're not astronomers, like English majors and communications majors, but they love the astronomy class. So I asked a student, why do you all love

the astronomy class so much? She's like, I don't know, but you know, I go in on Thursday morning and you know, I just had a big argument with my mom and I think my boyfriend's breaking up with me and I think I've got to be in a class, which at Harvard is like a big deal. And I go into astronomy and I come out in our later and I realize I'm a spec on a spec on a spec. Mother nature wants you to be

“huge, but you need to be small. You need to get smaller. That's what it comes down to and then you'll”

have perspective as an intellectual exercise. Like we've all seen the videos and we're telescoping out and further and you know, like we're getting smaller and so you're like, wow, that's like we are just nothing, you know, and then we just immediately snap back to self obsession and being that, you know, main character and nature. That's right. Then you look at your text messages and you know, like can you believe she said that or whatever? Why is it like is there a neurological explanation

for why we default to this? Yeah, for sure, because virtual virtually all of our attention has to be focused on what we individually are doing. So our self awareness is at the cognitive center of all the things that we do because if we had a natural tendency to not be at the cognitive

center of what we do, we'd get in a car crash within the first 30 seconds of getting behind the wheel.

You know, this is absolute self defense, but once again, Mother Nature could not care less, whether it makes us happier or not. Because happiness isn't actually a measure of, or a means of evolutionary fitness. You consider the Dalai Lama to be a mentor, if not, and a D mentor of you. How many times have you visited him for over the last 12 or 12 years, many times, several times in the States and many times that his home and arms saw. Yeah. And what would you say is if you had to

synopsis or drill down on the most impactful wisdom that he has shared with you that has had the most, has had the most meaningful impact on your life. What would that be? He's taught me so many things, so many things that I care with me and so many things that I love. He's helped me to be a better person.

try to bring me into his own religion, into his own philosophy, even. He wants me to be the best person that I can possibly be. And when he sees me every time, he reminds me of a lot of different

moral lessons that he's emphasized over the years. And the one that always reminds me in the vein of

what we're talking about right now, he tells me again and again, he told us when we were there to

“remember that you're one of eight billion. Remember the eight billion and you're one. Because in”

doing that, then your uniqueness is not diminished in any way, but your sense of actually the part that you play in the world can be emphasized. And that's the sort of emphasis that we actually need to be the happiest person in the people that we can be and to serve the world in the way that we possibly, the best way that we possibly can. The cynical part of me thinks, this is obvious to all of us, where's the profundity in making that statement? Yeah, most profound things, the most profound

things in life are the things that you need to be true but that you forgot. That's where real

profundity really comes in. There's nothing very profound about something that is completely new to you.

It might be insightful, it might be important, it might be profitable, but there's something that you know to be a deep truth, but you're off track because you forgot it. The reminder of that is the most profound thing that you'll ever hear. What is your daily practice look like in terms of nourishing your spirituality and making sure that all of these areas of life that are contributing to the macro nutrients of happiness are being served? I have to be really disciplined and rigorous about

it. Because I know myself, you know, my wife doesn't have to. My wife is up. She's spiritually deeply adept and she can have what looks to me like a complete mess of a schedule and still have

“it really all together and the important, I can't do it. I can't, I can't be done. I'm relating”

to that. I can't do it. And so, because my wife will just naturally do the important things. She does the important things. But for me, I practice the brahma mohorta which in Sanskrit means the creator's time. That means I get up before dawn. And there's a lot of neuroscience behind why that's good for your performance and creativity and in your focus, et cetera. But also for your happiness. I exercise every day because that's really an important way for me to manage my

high level of negative affect. I have very high negative affect. Negative affect means negative natural mood that I experience, which is nothing dangerous, but I'm highly hypomanic, meaning I have high positive and high negative affect. And so, my bigger challenge is not getting

happier. It's getting less unhappy and the first thing that you can do to manage high negative

affect is to pick up heavy things and run around first thing in the morning. That's the best

“possible way to do it. And then I follow that on every single day with virtual practice. I go to”

mouse every morning. And so, you know, the Catholics are, it's a count. That's wild. I mean, you've told me that before. So, I've heard it. But, you know, that is, that's a quite a commitment. Yeah, that's a rare thing. That's a rare thing. It's, there are probably 4% of Catholics do that, 4% of practicing Catholics do that. But again, in a way, it's not, it's not that hard because Catholicism is like Starbucks. It's a highly uniform product that's easy to find in its way.

But also, this is deeply, deeply, deeply spiritual experience that's remarkably the same from day to day that reminds me for half an hour a day, 630 the morning, who I am. That's who I am, that grounds me to my relationship to the divine every day, every day, every day. It's a little window onto, onto the metaphysical, every day. And then, you know, that I, I, I tightly control my diet and exercise. I tightly control it because I understand biologically, actually, how it's going

to affect my mood, how it's going to affect my productivity, how it's going to affect my focus, et cetera. And my, my career, my work, my vocation, my calling, is all about ideas. That's all about bringing ideas that matter to as many people as I possibly can. And I can't, I can't afford to, and again, this is a strivers thing to say. But I don't feel like I can afford to lose a day that I actually have when there's ideas to be, yeah, that's, I know,

I know, I know, that's dangerous out. I know, I know, I've been blink, blinked, like, yeah, you know. And, and so I, I design my, my consumption around that about what I eat, what I drink, when I consume caffeine, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But I finish up the day looking at the divine as well. I pray, I pray the rosary with my wife. That's a thousand-year-old ancient Catholic meditation. Very, very much like the Eastern meditative practices. And, you know, it's

said, it's is repetitive prayer, repetitive prayer, contemplating certain scenes from life of Christ, which we do together because we're wiring our right hemispheres together as an intended of the mind. We believe that our marriage isn't intended to God. I believe that if I

man. That's the stakes. That's intense. Well, we, we're all a manifestation of God, right?

“To love your beloved is to love God. And to be loved by God, yeah, that's what it means to”

love and be let be by. See, God is made manifest in the loving relationships that we have on earth. It's one of the reasons that people are so funny that, you know, they'll say, you know, why do people get so religious when they have kids? And it's not because it's a good way to set down of set of rules. That's, that's not it. It's that when you first, you remember this when you first have children. And they're so rotten. They're so difficult. And they go to sleep and you're sitting

in their room while they're asleep. And they got those little red cheeks from having been rotten all day long. And you're like, I just, I'd love him so much. I love him so much. See, my little son Carlos,

my Carlos is always a trouble maker. I love him so much. And then I was saying, and that's how God

feels about me because I'm lying in my bed and God is saying, Arthur was so rotten today. But I love him so much. The whole point is that the love that we have on earth is a taste. It's a foretaste of the divine love that we can all experience. That's my belief. And so to not practice that, to not practice divine love and the, and the model of divine love on earth, it's it's, it's malfeasance on my part. And the last thing that I do, as I go to sleep, there's an Eastern Orthodox practice,

the Eastern Orthodox monks, they have a prayer. And the further east you go in Christianity, the closer you get to Eastern religious practices, the more you get toward carmic religious practices. Now to say the carmic religious doctrine, but the practices are very similar. The Eastern Orthodox monks have what's called the Jesus prayer. They'll pray again and again and again. And there's a very famous book called the, the way of a pilgrim about just a mendicant beggar walking around praying

this Jesus prayer because a monk told him that he should pray the Jesus prayer 10,000 times a day. That's all he had to do with his life. Here's, here's the Jesus prayer. Lord Jesus Christ,

son of the living God, have mercy on me a sinner. And you pray the first half as you breathe in

in the second half as you breathe out and then you'll link it up with your heart. And then it becomes your life that prayer becomes your life. The last 15 years I've gone to sleep praying that prayer of the night was the last thing on my lips. Do you know this therapist called Phil Stutz? Yeah, yeah, famous because you know he had the documentary. Yeah, yeah. He's been on the show a couple times to become a friend and Julian I've gone to see him and you know this is a guy who

specializes in treating strivers like his whole career is big and he has this operating philosophy that that one of the primary reasons why you know these these super successful people are so

“unhappy is because they deny three unassailable truths that life is is having on my wrist”

pain the need for constant work and where does it say here? They deny pain. They well basically the what the reason for the unhappiness is that there is a belief that if they reach a certain level they won't have to suffer pain they will they won't have to deal with uncertainty and they can retire from having to do any work and work work to find broadly. Right?

And so disabusing people of this there's always going to be pain there's always going to be in need

for more work and and life is uncertain. Right. And so once you accept that surrender to that there's a liberation and a freedom. Yeah. But he's also I mean he's kind of an iconoclast but he's he's a profoundly spiritual person and he essentially like he understands my wife and me and he basically he's he's almost like a mind reader like he can read energy and he just he just knows people, you know. He's kind of personalized intelligence. Unbelievable. And he just he just said to me

the solution that you're looking for he goes it's all about your wife. It's all about you getting more connected with your wife and then the two of you together connecting with the divine like in his own words but he's essentially saying a version of what you're telling me and he's like

“this is the path that you have to walk. Right. You want to if you want to liberate yourself from”

she's been putting your life for a reason. Yeah. She looks rich. She's your guru. She leaves your guru. You have to be close to your guru. There is no other way. She's been put on earth as your channel to the divine. I know it's true. I know it's true. And I have some work to do as

time. You know, if you were 10 years old and and and and enlightened it would be a different matter

“but we don't get that. Look there's a reason in the Karmic religions that they talk about that we”

get all these years because we're trying to make progress. And if you were at 59 years old you were

there already. It means it's time to die and it's not time to die yet. It's time to live right now

and to learn more. Look, I write books about this stuff and I struggle with it. I struggle with it. And this is actually the reason I write the books about it is because it's part of my pilgrimage.

“This show is your pilgrimage. That's what it's really all about. And you're making progress.”

Look, I've known you for a bunch of years and I've seen progress and that's a beautiful thing.

I appreciate that, man. Let's close it down with just a few thoughts for the viewer or the listener to synopsise this whole idea of meaning, how to how to capture more of it and in gender your life with the beauty that it makes available. Your life has meaning. It does. Can you articulate it? Probably not. That's fine. But you get the opportunity to go and search of it to and so doing for it to find you. And when it does the richness that your life will have

will be beyond what you could have possibly imagined. Do the work to find the meaning of your life and the payoff will be something that will be made manifest in a life that will lift other people

“up and bring them together and bonds of happiness and love, which is ultimately why I believe”

we're put on earth. I love you, Arthur. I love you. We're fantastic. Thank you so much for for sharing today. I appreciate it, you. Yeah, likewise. All right, will you be my accountability partner? Yeah, I hope you'll be my head. All right, until next time, thank you. Bye, bye. Peace.