#3294 RHORI S1E01: Rhode Rage

Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crapping!

The podcast about all the crap we love to talk about on E.O. Bros. I'm Ronnie, that's Benooney's over there, hello Ben. Hi, Ronnie, how's it going? Good, what's going on with you? Not much as a big day for us, we know we don't.

We don't often get a brand new real housewives franchise. So, you know, the time is now, it's special when we get to launch a new one and today is the day. But God's are smiling down on us. It is real housewives of Rhode Island episode one day.

If you want this recap on video or you want bonus episodes, this week was a survivor recap and it was super long and super fun. Or you want ad free listening or you want the discord server or our free weekly blog, recapping all of the stuff that happened on Bravo, join us over at patreon.com/watch What Crapping!

And now today, real housewives of Rhode Island, one, oh, one.

“Don't touch, what did you think about the premiere, Ronnie?”

I thought it was pretty fun, really liked it.

A lot of the women look exactly the same, which is super weird. It's going to take some time to differentiate them all. But I did like them, they seem to get a lot of crazy people on the show, they love all the amties. Oh yeah, we need to see more of them for the rest of the season.

Yeah, I want all the ants, I want all the older generation on this show, just trickling through. Yeah, what do you think overall? I liked it, I thought it was good. I thought it was fun, the accents are hilarious to me, of course.

Actually, the only one that I didn't really love was the girl from the bachelor rat. She just felt like she didn't fit in for me. She felt very like someone who had been on reality TV before. But I thought like, she was fine, it wasn't like she was bad. She wasn't as like, inherently interesting, I thought.

But yeah, I thought it was a pretty... She's like the straight man to all the crazies. Well, she just was like a little generic, you know, like there was something about her that was like, I don't know. I don't know, there was like a different vibe.

I felt like she and her man felt like, there was like a slickness that felt like they had been on TV before. But maybe I was just bringing that to the... Maybe I was just bringing my own prejudices.

“But I think overall it was a pretty good premiere.”

I liked it. Yeah. All right, well let's get into it with that lukewarm praise beginning. No, I liked it. I liked it.

I was with you too. I am expecting so much from this that... I don't know. I don't know where it's going to go because I'm really expecting a lot. I mean, the previews for it were so, so good.

Yeah. And I think it's a pretty good start. I mean, they're all kuku and their lives are like, what? And I do love that they know each other. They all know each other from high school.

Like someone used to fuck the sister's boyfriend announced her husband. I mean, there's a lot of that going on. Not a lot of sister fucking sister boyfriend fucking. But a lot of like inter, you know, things that can only happen when you've known each other for a really long time. So I like that.

So we start with the typical... I was also going to say, I like how they have this idea that the things that happen in Rhode Island happen nowhere else in the country. They're like, boomers are a big pot of Rhode Island society. Yeah. Yeah.

We have a thing in Rhode Island called rumors. People talk about each other. In Rhode Island, people eat food. We have three square meals a day in Rhode Island. Like, oh yeah.

When people in Rhode Island are hungry, we drink things.

“It's like, oh, I guess that would be a little weird because you'd eat, right?”

Yeah. But so we start with the ladies, you know, the intro to the ladies.

And first up is Alicia, and she's like, don't fuck with me.

You're into all. Welcome to Rhode Island Beach. This is how we roll. I was like, okay. Strong first line.

Yeah. It lives, you see Liz, who's the fake Dolores. She's like, yeah, Dolulu. I'm scary. Boo.

Like, what? Huh? And then they're describing each other. And someone's like, Rosie, Rosie is brave. She's not afraid to call people out.

She's a, and we see Rosie on, like, weird little bouncy skate things. What are those? They're like roller blades. But instead of, uh, wheels, they have things that you bounce on. Yeah.

We see that. And we see that again later on. It's like this pink kind of like, diamond-ship springy things that are, I guess, probably to help your glutes or something.

And Rosie's like, she's with an old guy. And she cheated with an old guy with a new guy.

But I'm the problem. I'm trying to look up with these bouncy roller skate things. You know what? This is going to ruin my life. I'm not going to do.

Um, yeah. So then, um, we see Jo Ellen. Um, but she's, oh, yeah. Okay. So then we see Jo Ellen.

And she's like, if I'm going to call the FBI, I'm going to call Jo Ellen because she knows everything. So Jo, we see Jo Ellen sitting with her husband. And she's like, every morning, he goes to her house. And you know what, he's at the gym every morning.

And she goes to Brian look like he goes to the gym. I don't believe these realmas. Have you seen him? Yeah. Yeah.

And then we also, there's someone in Rula who's not in the first episode.

And she's like, everyone tells me I run a tight ship. And the husband goes, I let you track me. You know where I am every second. So it's basically, this is like all kind of like, trailer, I mean the girls, you know.

Kelsey's stunning. She's beautiful. She's smart.

“Then we see Kelsey and she's like, oh my god, why would you give so much flowers?”

Like, flowers go away and die. Chanel is for life. That Chanel also does not. Chanel is not for life either. I hit the record due to do you ever see the Simpsons where Marge Simpsons

and gets a Chanel out of it. Do not last. So then Kelsey's like lying around in a pool floating. Because I don't look at myself as a sugar baby. The boyfriend is actually attractive.

The money is just a plus. Oh god. You're a sugar baby. Oh, spoiler alert. She's a sugar baby. Yeah, you're a sugar baby. You're still a sugar baby.

I mean, it doesn't matter if he's hot or not. I mean, that is definitely a plus. The hotness is a plus for sure.

So then we hear that Ashley isn't from here.

So she's actually new to the group. And Ashley's like, oh my god. I'm tired of everybody yelling and fighting all the time. So eventually we sort of land at Alicia's house. And so we see Alicia with her, her guy, Billy.

And she's like, I would love a glass of wine. I'm just so stressed. And he's like, you want a glass of red wine now. She's like, yeah, just wine. I don't care about, I don't care the color.

My family's coming over. I'm stressed, you know?

“Because the thing is that like, if her sentence ends with a consonant,”

she just doesn't say it. She'll be like, you know what I want. I want to calculate it. I need to, you know what? I'm, I'm so hot.

And I'm really hot right now. So her daughter's in there. She's setting the table and her daughter's like, "Dec the house with us." They're like, where are you singing?

"Dec the house." Because the last time I said the table, it was Christmas. So it's true. Ha ha ha ha. Oh my god.

My daughter's to lead that. She's my mini-b. Will be shopping. She'll be like, oh, this is cute. And I'll be like, oh my god.

No, this is cute. And also she loves Britney Spears. I love Britney Spears.

We're basically the same.

Hey, basic. We're the classic. I know. We're the crackers. Okay, they're, okay, they're here.

Relax. You're in the restaurant biz. I thought you'd be better at this. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Billy owns a bunch of restaurants. My favorite is pizza mama. Okay. And we'd see she's a mama. And there's like a big poster.

Like a sexy poster for in the pizza shop. She's like, yeah. Pizza mama. I'm thinking of a new picture. He's like, yeah, you were the one that made me do the girly pizza place.

So yeah, whatever you want. We do pizza place. It is not girly. It is just a regular pizza place. And a sexy picture of his wife.

Like, you know what? You really love me. You sexualize me in the pizza shop. All right. And then we get a call.

She's on the phone with Nikki. Uh, as Nikki her mom. Cause the, or one of the ants. Cause they he's like, we're all in the car on the way over. We're coming over.

Yeah. It's one of the ants. She's like, how far are you? I don't know. How am I supposed to know what we're even all?

We're in a car trying to come to a good forsaken house. And you just hear the background in the van. It's like kids squawking and ladies squawking. And um, Alicia is wearing a, or Alicia. I'm sorry.

We say Alicia because that's below deck, which we just did. So Alicia is sitting there and like a big, big, big crucifix. It's like huge. And a big black lace booby top. She's like, I got a big Italian family.

I got six ant and we all live in Rhode Island. And then we cut to the car with all the ants in there. And she's like, at least, uh, yeah, Alicia was to move back to Christ. And something really bad. Cause she must just be a what family.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's just so far. You got to pack a lunch to go over there. I would be there house four times Nikki back in our back. And four times they went back already.

Where are we going? You know, when I was eight months pregnant Billy had us move all the way to Providence. It was terrible. And then we see, uh, it's 15 minutes away from quarantine. Right. Oh my God.

I've been minutes.

“You have to drive by six Starbucks just to get the Providence.”

It's so terrible. So then. And I have two days in the back like drinking out of a flash. Like, all right, it's time to go in. Hold on.

All right, I'm ready. I'm ready. So they also have like a team.

Geez.

“My grandfather opened superior bakery in lots of other places.”

He was well known on Rhode Island.

Yeah, for his girly bakeries. How quiet Billy. So then they're like, "Oh, Billy, you love the house. Don't get me wrong." But I said, you know, we could build the beautiful one in Cranston.

You got to come to Cranston. It's like, yeah, Billy. What a wedding you guys could have out there. God, if you had it, you could come to Cranston. You could have the most beautiful wedding out here.

Why would I go to Cranston for a wedding? We could do it right here. You got a beautiful house here. Billy, let's have a wedding hand this house. He's like, Oh my God.

We wouldn't talk to your niece. Me and Billy got engaged when I was seven months pregnant. That was nine years ago. And the need is like, well Billy, yeah, I want you to get your swag a bag bang on against the wall or something like that.

Oh my God. Oh my God, Anita. It's like, hey, can we eat? It's like, okay. Let's go.

Oh my God. So we brought over sauce with a side of sauce on top of sauce. And before that, we do have a nice appetizer. We have sauce. Oh, and for the salad, we made a season salad without the lettuce,

just the dressing. So enjoy. This is, this can be a straw. The so-and to me. It is like, at least, yeah, you've seen Liz.

She's got a big fear of frogs. Congratulations, Liz.

“That's how you're being introduced to America.”

Feel frogs. Yes, well, that's what we don't have in Cranston frogs. I don't know. Think about it. I've known Liz since I was born.

I remember being, I remember being beautiful. She was older than me.

She's always made me nervous.

She was the queen. Queen Elizabeth. Kind of. We all love Elizabeth. Yes, and as, as we soon find out when we meet Liz,

when you look at her, you think, "God, she reminds me of Queen Elizabeth." She just lives in the most gorgeous castle. And so we go see the castle, and it's in Cranston. And Liz is, I do see why they call her Queen.

Liz has, like, night armor in her house. Yeah. Like, as a night armor and she brings out of, like, silver goblet. Like, from medieval times. What's like a mansion with some, she has to make magic with, like,

some kind of, like, gothic elements, more, like, shadow elements, whatever. I can't visualize it, but I remember looking at it being, like, this doesn't really look like a castle. It's just, like, a house with some pointy elements. And the, like, the medieval props.

Like, she's got a braid around the top of her head. Like, uh, it's medieval times. It's like a new, it's a new medieval times. And she taught, I can't even do a voice. By the way, it's just going to take a while on this because they're all so different.

Well, there's so many people. But she sounds to me exactly like Meredith Marx. Not our imitation of Meredith Marx, but our Meredith Marx actually talks, like, she has the same exact voice. It's freaking me out.

Did you know? It's like the Laura's voice, because she and Laura's when they talk together, they sound the same. But it's like the, if, if the Laura's is like this, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, the Laura's and Meredith Marx makes it together.

She's talking like this. Because Alicia is more like, she talks a little bit up here. She's like, okay, whatever, whatever. I don't have to get mad. We don't want to go back to Quanson.

But then Liz, like, hi, look on, look at the beautiful, get, they, uh, look on, look up beautiful. This is, look up, be the last one we are, gosh, which I think is her cat, whatever. I don't remember her cat.

“Yeah, honestly, she's got a cat on her leash named Gange,”

because she sells weed, so she named her cat. Oh, Gange, right, of course. Yeah, so she's like walking the cat down the dock outside of their house. It's like, isn't it gorgeous? It's not that gorgeous, okay?

You know, everyone says I'm blonde and I bite people's heads off. And I get this a lot lately. You know, I could be scary. Oh, hey, Jeremy, Jeremy McRoy, you wanna drink something?

I want, yeah. Hey, Jeremy, Jeremy, it's a bar. It was when this all ancestry thing was taken off. You look at Jeremy and you look at me. No one's gonna say what related,

but we are related somewhere down the line. 'Cause when I bet Jeremy, he told me he had three girls that they were little, and I was not prepared to be him. I'm gonna, can we go back to the being together?

Yeah, we did not. Yeah, can we not scroll past that? It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crapins' Commercial. Yeah, it's somewhere down the line.

We were related. I don't know, it's maybe like one generation ago, something like that. Anyway, he's got three kids. Then my aunt taught it.

Then my niece taught us, I call them. And I was not prepared to be mom. I mean, school uniform here, bags, lunches, leashes. I got, you know, but I got to drive away and they're like, oh, God, stop.

Like, sky was not in the car yet. Sky was one foot from the car. Like, I can't, I don't even know who these kids are. Okay? So we go under a closet and it does look like,

dressing room in Branson, Missouri.

It is all sequins and feathers, basically.

And like, jerry, can we discuss the day today? Come into the closet.

And she's like, I'm not gonna do the bundle bag this year, jerry.

Jerry and I own a cannabis dispensary. That's right. Yeah.

“We will one of the first on the East Coast.”

I like to believe that we trailblazed emphasis on the blaze. If you know what I'm saying. My husband's slash brother is kind of a cannabis. So kind of cannabis king, you know? So by proxy, I'm the queen of weed, right?

And this is like, I'm gonna take the dinghy by the way to lunch. Okay. It would be nice to meet Kelsey while it's a nice day. Huh?

She gets on this little inflatable thing that, like, like a life raft. She's like, all right. Here I go. And rock music is playing.

Like dinner and dinner.

It's like, yeah, I'm on the dinghy.

That's right, mother fuckers. And I'm not nice. And the way the talk on Twitter is that Liz has mob connections. Because I guess there was like over a thousand phone calls between her and this guy who, like a New England crime boss

who's currently under trial, whatever. And they're like, yeah, Liz is got tied to New England mob. I'm like, yeah. (laughs) What else is new?

(laughs) We already know this. We just matter. We know this. So we, she's going to meet Kelsey.

And we see Kelsey. She's being brought to lunch in a black car. And she's like, thanks, Tom. Or whatever her chauffeur is. She's like, thanks.

And she's like, the hot young one or a hot young one.

There's a couple on this one. And Liz is like, I know Kelsey because I grew up with a boyfriend. And Kelsey and the boyfriend, they've got the age disparity. But I didn't think he's at all because actually he's my age. (laughs)

So then Liz is on her dinghy. Like going across the harbor. Like, yeah, I'm Liz. I'm in the mafia and I got a dinghy. Yoke, oh God, my hat.

All right. Well, I'm going to lose the foster crown. (laughs) Kelsey's like, oh God, my armpits. I already have swamp ass waiting for you.

What's going on? Not them wrong with a little swamp ass here or them, all right. (laughs) Dolly, I'm going to put this napkin down. So my ass doesn't sweat.

Dolly, what do you want?

“Let me guess, Jen, what are you going to have, Jen?”

She's like, Jen, what's my dad's mouth? I was like, wait, what is that? Oh my God, you said it. I said it. I said you said it.

I said it. Come on, what are we sisters? I didn't know that that was from my fair lady. Of course, I'll let's stop. I knew they were alluding to something.

But I don't know my fair lady very well. And I just talked about the past act one. I just was like, I can't believe that this lady, this like, super, um, like spray tan, and baffier type, gonja clean,

who looks like Dolores. He just took a dinghy to lunch and lost her how long the way is now sitting here quoting my fair lady. (laughs) They call me Queen Elizabeth, for nothing else.

You know, like the rain in Spain, falls mainly in Rhode Island, right, guys? You know, I'm like, uh, I have a Hendrix, a spicy tuna, an extra lemon, please. And then we see Kelsey and she's messing with her lemon.

She goes, oh my God, I gotta take all the lemon seeds out of here. God, disgusting. Oh, that's right. You gotta crazy a version to lemon seeds. Kelsey, am I right?

This one. This Kelsey knows that if... that, at least she doesn't have to drink the lemon seeds that they fall off in her water. Did you know that?

(laughs) It's like, there's not made a joy there after Ethan. Actually, you don't even have to, in fact, most people don't. It's just a version. It's just a version.

What are you gonna do? Yeah. So the fourth of July, what are you thinking? She's like, um, I don't know, well, I mean, he's not gonna be in, you know, able to be in town,

but when I get my free time, and I'm so low, I really love it. You know, yeah, I mean, look at you. You got everything. You got everything that I want. Could ever imagine, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue,

could ever imagine loop-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo- Is it? That's the best seventy nine TVs.

“Do you imagine having to go to a different room to watch your peacock?”

And it's like, could you sign in? Sign in on this one. Not sign in on this one. You want to watch your Netflix again? I don't think you're the same household.

You want to pay another $30 a month? Sack up. Yeah, seriously. Also, that's like a lot of TVs. So then there's a painting of her with the Miss Rhode Island.

She got to be Miss Rhode Island. So that's exciting. And she's like, you know, you have to go to a different zip code,

My boyfriend's family is probably one of the most prominent families in the state of Rhode Island. And he has allowed me to live a life of not being allowed to work. What? I have the privilege of not being allowed to do something. Yeah.

And we see pictures of them as a couple, but his face is ripped out of every one. Like, did you guys do this after the breakup? We're at this guy also mob-connected because I have a feeling. So I'm just like, yeah, I saw him when he was when I was 19. I mean, the guy's tall, he's tall, he's handsome.

We made out for two hours straight. I didn't even come up for air, but when we started day in 10 years ago, he's the reason I became Miss Rhode Island. Wow, if I didn't have that push from him and those judges didn't have a threat of a push from him, I wouldn't have had the balls to do it.

Like, how many judges died in the making of you? I know, Miss Rhode Island. How many of them were approached in parking like like, hey, if you don't make Kelsey, Miss Rhode Island, then you're going to be sleeping in Rhode Island. If you know what I'm saying, like in the water around Rhode Island, because it was not

completely in Island, but you know, in the beach. I want Kelsey to be bigger than Mrs. Mama Pizza. You got it? Listen, we watched Game of Thrones.

That was the first show I'm brought with that took place in Rhode Island, partially.

And that was about Mrs. America pageants and that there was literally a storyline of someone threatening to murder someone's because of the pageant. So like, we know this should happen. The US Rhode Island and mob connections, I've got it going on in that town. They really do.

So we see her plaques like her numerous plaques. When says first runner up and then another one says most photogenic, I feel so sad for Kelsey. Why?

“I think this is the saddest of all of them.”

She's living a very sad existence. She looks so bored and she's like, you know what, he's a good man. And for five months out of the year, he's gone. I'm in a literal empty house with 79 TVs as just me, me watching Lev Island from room to room to room to room.

Imagine what I must be like to be in a villa with even just one other person. Yeah, second board, important house by myself. My relation, she calls him, she calls him, she's like, honey, I'm bored. He's like, I don't care. Fuck off.

She's okay. Love you too. Call me soon. My relationships vary in orthodics. This mandate to multiple peoples.

And for the first half of the year, my boyfriend to Miami. And when he's in Miami, he's with someone else. But now, what? Girl. Come on.

Is that this is that one side of monogamy, I've been reading about from the Manusphere? Yeah. Exactly. Is that a thing when cited monogamy? She's apparently in the Manusphere documentary.

That's on Netflix. The guys are saying that. Like, yeah, we engage in one side of monogamy.

“And then the New York Times even wrote an article about, like, what is monotid monogamy?”

Oh, for chronic. No, it is cheating. So, um, she's just like, but now I'm at a cross with what? I just hit 30 and I want more of myself. I want a committed relationship.

But at his age in his life, there's nothing he's going to change. And he is who he is. And if I can't accept it, I have to leave. Like, well, I guess. Yeah, we're going to have to leave your situation.

And it's not the, uh, I really want to leave this great relationship. It's like, I don't want to leave all this money. Like, I'm bored, but shit being better is poor. Being better is being bored is better than being bored, you know?

So, Kelsey's like, yeah, you know, the good is always outweighed the bad though.

We're back at lunch now. And this is like, I get that. You don't want to be second fed off. Because yeah, I thought I'd be in his life as long as he wanted me. And, you know, I'm not in control of that, you know?

But that's okay. And you're okay with that. But now you're growing into your skin. You're maturing. Your skin's getting loose.

So starting to sag a little bit. You got more room to grow with me. You know what I mean? It's like, listen, this is a decision you don't have to make. Okay, your crow's feet will make it full.

You're going to be out on the crib soon enough. So don't worry about it and enjoy what you got it.

“Well, why quit your job when you're about to be laid off of being aged out anyway?”

That's what I say. I feel like a long time. I don't know what the right thing is to do. You know, she's like, well, just I do love them. And that's what hurts.

Well, I know it's hard having it all. And then having to make it all your own. Okay, I'll all on your own. That's a very hard thing for someone like you who's talentless has no skills. And quite frankly, it seems a little bit dumb, you know.

I mean, really is going to be hard with the girl with swamp ass. I'm not going to lie to you. But you could do it. You could do it. Keep that napkin between your cheeks and watch on floor with young lady.

Yeah, you know what?

There's always going to be another lemon to deseed.

So go to it, ma'am. Oh, I think that I love you.

And we're in a minute. Matinic Matinic Matinic restaurant. Matinic restaurant. Matinic restaurant. Well, I'm just sure, happy next door neighbor.

But I did happen to notice you look, run spite all over the front porch. [laughs] Joellen and Gary are at lunch. And Joellen looks just like Jen Aiden to me. I think she is like a dead wringer.

I do not see that whatsoever. To make sure more like Courtney fraying from two judgy girls. [laughs] Okay, I can see that. So Gary's like, we got the best scene in the house.

Yeah, we're going to have a good mind if we start out with shots. He's got kind of the Emerald Voice, which I like. Yeah. And Joellen's like, I got married in high school. He was his host, see me.

And I was an innocent fresh man. I'd go with his locker. And he'd be like, hi.

And then he finally said, oh, you're Jen's little sister.

Oh, my God, my sister loved him. She'd loved him. She'd loved his sister. [laughs] And automatically, I loved this storyline.

Because she stole her husband from her sister. Yes. Yeah. And we see pictures of him at prom and everything. And Jo's like, Joellen's like, yeah, but I was going to marry this man.

And so I chased him. And finally, I got him. You know? So by the way, the sun will set and it will be beautiful. It'll be just like a wedding.

I think it's funny. And kind of like, I think it's funny.

“I think back in, I kind of drifted apart from the people in the wedding.”

Probably not that I think about it. It's like, yeah, well, I basically hang with all my guys to all my friends. She's like, yeah, I know that. I just have so much trouble with everyone all the time.

I really don't know why anybody tells me anything. Because when anybody says, you know, don't tell anyone. Like, of course, I'm going to not tell anyone. I'm not going to not tell anyone. Like, just like my best friend.

And then like, my other best friend. And then I tell anyone. I'm not telling anyone. And then I tell everyone. Basically, I'm Joellen.

[laughs] It's like, oh, honey. Thanks for loving me. For tolerating me. I know it's scary.

Okay, I know I can come off as a bitch, but I'm not actually a bitch. I mean, when people get to know me, they're not as scared. I mean, not as scared. I'm pretty scary. I'm Joellen.

There's nothing, there's nothing as not scary about someone who tells you how scary they are. Yeah. I know.

“I think she can get a question for lockers a lot.”

That's my, that's my guess. Or do you think people are really scared of her? Um, I think people are annoyed by her probably. I like her, but I can imagine people be like, oh Joellen again. She's talking 10 miles a mouth.

10 miles a nap. 30 miles whatever. 500 miles an hour. I was like, she's like close to her. I do y'all.

I was trying to say, as she talks so fast that I get for an extremely low speed. I was like, she's probably talking 10 miles per hour. She's probably talking way under the speed limit. So Jo. She's like, oh, wait for the oyster.

She's like, oh, you never know what you're going to get from me.

So this man. I'm going to go to sleep. And he's like, yeah, you know, we got to get out from the kids sometimes. Yeah, having three kids might as well be having 500 children. Am I right?

Guys, so hard to get them dressed, especially when they're all sick. Like I'm the type of mom who buys cookies. And then I throw them on a tupperware to make to make the big sell. Wow. I'm Joellen.

I'm crazy. Woman of the people, you know. It's like, you know, it's been a tough year having three kids and going back to work. Like your mom is old school of telling and she didn't work, you know. You know, I'm in a static sales.

So I work a lot with plastic surgeons and dermatologists and med spas. And my counterpart will go in and sell devices for leaves. Ring and fat reduction and micro needling and body contouring. And then I go in and I tell them how to use it. I'm like, hey, I'm Joellen.

It's crazy. I like making my own money.

“And not having to rely on Botox because he's like, what's this for?”

I'm like, probably for Botox, right? So then we go to Alicia and she's vacuuming now. And she's like, oh, my God. So what's this powder? Ah, the powder is coming out of the vacuum.

No wonder. No wonder who was thought vacuuming the powder? Come on, can't. My vacuum has a cocaine problem. So then a pink Jeep shows up and it's rosy.

And so rosy looks just like Kelsey.

And at first I thought they were the same person.

But it turns out they're not the same person. So Alicia's Alicia's like, Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love, look, we both have, we both have the pink skate. We both have the pink shoe things.

I love that we have the same ones. You like a tourists and a model. And they're going to be asking you for your autograph. Wow. I know Rosie for two years now.

What? I'm bad at math. That's not math. I know. It's, it's just understanding dates and time. It's not math, Alicia.

I'm bad at math. What can I say? The girl who does my Botox is the best friend. Anyway, she's fun. We got fun together.

You know, we became real close over the last year. I knew who she was anyway because she was a newscaster. So yeah. So I knew who she was. You turn on the news.

She's cast a man. I can't remember if she was on Channel 5 or Channel 8.

I'm bad at math.

So we see Rosie doing traffic.

And she's like, hello. This is Rosie. I'm doing some traffic. We get you got a backed up traffic there on the 404. And that's pretty bad.

No one likes traffic. Am I right? Rosie. I initially found out about, I, I initially found out my stepfather had a question.

And I wanted to, I want to throw up in my mouth. Especially when one time I saw him jerking off to Rosie on the television. They're bad. What you doing? Rosie's like, well, I was a TV reporter and anchor on the number one.

TV station here in Rhode Island. Yeah. We got a solid 20,000 people per day. And I don't think it's a shock to anyone. That the only people watch the news in the last 10 years are 50 plus.

Am I right? So if I don't go somewhere and no one says, My grandfather loves you. Then I've had a bad day. So they, they walk around on their skate things.

They're bouncy skate. Beltsy sounds huge. Yeah. Yeah. And Alicia's like, by the way, happy anniversary.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She's like, yeah. Rich and I have been married one year, which is probably by far my best friend, Rich.

He's my biggest supporter. Rich has a million hobbies to make him money. He flipped houses with his uncle. He DJs. He sings.

And then we see a clip of rich and a white tuck. Said a party being like, Hey, you want to hear Sinatra tune. I got one for you right here. Fly me in the mountains.

“Does anyone want to hear my, uh, my hobby I've been working on?”

But that Bravo will not pay the licensing fees for. Here we go. Here's my song. I hope you enjoy that, everyone.

It's like, they're never going to play any Sinatra.

Like, congratulations. You will not be, you got to find a new artist to get behind. So it will be my Frank Sinatra singer. Not an impersonate. He gets very upset when people say that.

And, uh, so Alicia's bouncing up at magic. Oh, my God. This is a vibe. This is a vibe here. I do have fun with Rosie.

This is like my favorite exercise. It's good for your lymphatic system. So Rose is like, this was the most card you've done in a while. Yeah, me too. I almost died.

I was trying to do Jane's fonds as, you know, but so much more. Okay. So talk to me about this picnic. You're doing. It's like, oh, um, it's an event from my TV show.

So I have a lifestyle show that airs on Saturdays and Sundays. Um, and I just do things with local businesses. You know, because in Rhode Island, we have businesses. Yeah. And we see a clip of Rosie on some, in some restaurant kitchen talking to the staff.

She's like, I had to start myself for two days to do this shoot. I took those epic like two days ago. Could you believe it? Yeah, we're shooting a picnic. It's actually a collab.

I'm doing with the company that does like posh picnic. So we're going to set up a picnic. We might as well shoot the segment and then have some of my friends come by. So we can actually enjoy it. I'm worried though, because Joellen's going to be there.

Do you think she'll be nice? Oh, yeah. I don't know how to put her in her place. You know, I don't know how to put her in her place a lot. You know, she goes, yeah, tomorrow you just may have to.

You know, I met Joellen through Alicia in there in a click and Liz and Kelly are in the click as well. And I want to be friends with everyone. But here's the thing.

“If you want to be in the click, you have to be friends with Joellen.”

And I told her to her face, you can be really nice when you're not being mean. But they haven't let me into the click. So I'm bringing her to a picnic because it sort of sounds like click. I'm going to call it the pic. The pic click.

Click, click, click, click. I'm, I'm workshopping it still. Well, I think that Joellen, you know, she's just so insecure about being a villain in her life. She should stop being one. Yeah, but you know what?

She's always putting the villain thing on everyone else.

So no one's looking at her as the villain. But then she's really the villain. But she's insecure about being a villain. Poething. I mean, it's a rough lot to live.

The reason I'm nervous about Joellen is because we just had this casual day at her house. And she invited everyone over and everyone wore sweatpants. And then she said, nasty things about me when she thought I couldn't hear her. But I clock everything. Okay.

Because I'm someone who has a local lifestyle show that heirs on the weekends. During the low hit, the worst rated time slot. Or the market, the Rhode Island. [laughs] Sounds like to me about clocks.

I'm terrible with me as. I mean, we've all heard the rumors. I mean, like, it's crazy what people say about Joellen. I didn't know she was just swinging that. Well, well, well, well, well, I was trying to like kind of, you know,

bring it out slowly there, Lisa. Yeah, well, I heard the rumor, but I still want to know. See, call me Nosey. You know why I'm the call me Nosey? Because I'm Nosey. I'm on an out. I hear you were swinging.

Are you swinging? Tell me. Nosey, Rosie. Like, I know, I knew Joellen growing up. I was best friends with Jen.

Jen has said, you know, Jen, right? Jen and Joellen, you know.

“So I did the community, I think, community with Gary.”

And we had a confirmation together. So I'm still really close with Gary. So not as close to him and his sister's were. Like, well, thanks for that story. So the Panthers are like, well, what do you mean?

Because it, like, not as close as him and his sister. And I'm like, what do you mean? She goes, well, Jen and Gary, you know, maybe they, they might have had a little thing.

I don't know. Look, what, who am I? Just a nosy person.

I'm like, I hate to break it to you, but Joellen already said this.

Joellen already was like, yeah, I stole him from my sister. Yeah, I know Joellen was out of put out a fire. That's what I like about Joellen. She comes on here. And she's like, I'm the bitch of the group.

Everybody hates me. And I'm fucking, I married my sister's ex. Fuck body. Whatever. And now a news segment that may be only on this episode.

Bird report. Bird report.

“Hey, what's that bird? What's that bird over that long bird? No, is that an ostrich?”

I don't know. What is that a pigeon? Pigeon ostrich? Oh, my god. It's a bull.

Oh, my god. It's America. It's America's right here. It's a flamingo. It's a brown flamingo.

Someone got mud on the flamingo.

Oh, my god. Is this one that lost all its feathers? It's a fabulous one. Oh, my god. What's one?

And the title comes up. It's like, it's a, here I'm here. I'm here in the entire time is like, I'm a heron. I'm obviously a heron.

I've been a heron. I'm a gray heron. And I don't know how many times I have to walk around these beaches for you guys to know who the fuck I am. I've been here all this time. I've been here before you.

And I'll be here after you. Fish report. I mean, bird report report report. This has been my bird report. So now we go to Goddard Beach and Rosie setting up for a picnic with her assistants and stuff.

And she shows up in like a leopard body suit. Being saying growing up, I wanted to be Ryan C. Crest. I would interview my teddy bears. I even had blonde highlights that when it all sorts of different directions. I can get my, my jaw and hinged enough to open my mouth that much.

But I'm still, I'm still trying. I'm still trying. So now she puts on her news voice and she's like, Hey guys, I'm Rosie Woods. We're having a post picnic today at the beach. This is Kara.

Kara, what do you do here? And Kara's like, I'm the chief salami officer. She has. Of. Shakudori relations.

No. Shakudori. Creations. Sorry.

“So you have to keep talking because my mouth just died.”

And I can't scroll my notes. I have to plug in my manual thing. I wish my mouth would give me some sort of like up like. I wish like this mouse has to like tell me when it's dying. So that way I know to like charge it.

Cause like now I'm stuck in the middle of Rhode Island. Paralyzed and literally paralyzed. Okay, man. Oh, man. Chief salami officer.

So Alicia and Jo Ellen show up and Jo Ellen's like, I'm here because Alicia wanted me to come. However, I'm not a fan of Rosie. Oh God, I'm going to watch one of a stupid news videos right now. Oh, God, a new jump video.

What? This one's about road tripping or something. Listen. Oh, God. I just want you to know there's 215 views on this video. God, I'm damn it.

I gave her a view. Gave her a view. What is the paralyzed? So they're checking out best pictures. On mouse with it.

Alicia. Oh my God. It's beautiful. I'm going to need to lie. I'm going to literally die.

What a beautiful picnic. Okay. Well, could you gift bags, girl? So Ashley comes and she meets Jo Ellen and Alicia. Ashley is the bachelor chick. She's new to us.

We haven't met her yet. So she's like, Oh, I brought you a little gift. Rosie, thanks for inviting me. She's like, well, if there's one thing that will warm up a road island crowd, it's Duncan.

So I got her some Duncan for a gift. And I feel like she was trying to set up the whole group to be like, like, oh my God, I love Duncan. I love Duncan. She was like, you know what they're going to do. As soon as I say, that's doesn't even be like a round rob.

And if everyone's like, I love Duncan. I go to Duncan at night. I get a cool lot of that. No one, no idea to touch. I'm just going to go. She's like, Duncan, guys, right?

They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to talk about some other stuff. So Rosie's like, Ashley's my really good friend. We both love boy bands, the Disney channel. All the dumb things, team girls care about.

Except we're much older than that. Well, other than the fact that she was on the bachelor's

and super famous, we're basically the same person.

I'm kind of like, I'm like the local news Rhode Island version of Ashley.

“So I'm like, we're basically the same kind of star, right?”

I'm not only a non-famous Ryan Seacrest. I'm also a non-famous Ashley. I mean, they just keep stacking up. So Ashley says, I'm married to Jared Heyren, Rhode Island native and very proud.

And I'm on bachelor in paradise. And you know, when I met him for the first time, I was like, oh my god, this is like a love it first sight thing. And then it turned out to be true. Okay, that's cutting out a lot of the story.

The story was, oh my god, Jared is so cute.

And then he would go off and make out with everybody else. And then she would be like, "Ehh!" And sob. And then by the end, after he got fucked over by like five different girls

and kept getting dumped and he still needed to stay on the show. He stayed with Ashley to make it through the show. Another married, isn't it romantic? He does really seem like he sucks. He also, he kind of looks like Nico from below deck mat.

Remember Nico the Bowsen? Yes, of course.

“Sort of like a bachelor version of Nico a little bit, I think.”

I think he looks like an elf in a video game. And I think he's super does. And he has like a really big job.

I've always thought Jared is super cute.

But kind of a dick. He's so dick. Yeah. And like what we've been married six years. So we're like the real part of the fairy tale.

All we're real stuff is happening. You know, like go poopy kids. Does anyone have to go poopy? It's hard. People say our love is so inspiring.

And those people are me. And just know that we're both on the couch at the end of the night. We're just going like this. You know, she makes a motion with her thumbs. Like does she mean eating?

Or I think like she looks like we're just eating and gnashing. I'm like our people saying your love is inspiring. Is that a thing that's happening? So then she's like, I'm from Virginia. I met my husband on the bachelor.

We got married at the K Chapel in Newport. And then we had our reception in Rosewood. And I will say that Rhode Island is different because it's so close. That's not. And Alicia's like, yeah, if I didn't see you and can the gotten. It's a problem.

Yeah. Thanks Alicia. You'll really welcome here. Yeah, if I didn't see you and can the gotten. It's a problem.

Oh, you're going to beat me up. God damn.

It's like, yeah, I've never been to a state where people are so proud to be from it.

You know? Yeah, I haven't really in the four years. You know, been here made my own friend group here. I wonder if it's because I'm just like, unrelentingly annoying. I don't know.

“Just like, yeah, I think it's just really hard to place the infiltrate.”

Because it's like, if you're not from Rhode Island, it's like, you're like a suspect. You know what I mean, right, guys? Like, now we just find you's really annoying and stupid. That's it. Has nothing to do with by the air from Rhode Island.

We just say that doesn't excuse. So we don't see my total bitches, but we just don't like you. Sergio Allen's like, oh, yeah. Well, Kelsey came over. She's going through a lot, guys.

Oh, lot. And then we see a clip of Kelsey being Mike. I just rely on him so much. So like, I just, I wouldn't have to worry about how much things caused. I mean, I'm 31 now.

You know, I've had like 11 years of sugar. What am I going to do? You can't just cut somebody off from their sugar. I'm going to be poor and 30 31. Oh God.

So we cut back and she's like, yeah, you know, she's in between what she wants. And Rosie's like, so you mean a personal change? She goes, yeah, you know, I mean, she's 31. And she's up, you know, she's still full.

I don't know what she said there. She's still full. She's still full. She's a, she's a, she's a, she's a, she's a, she's 31. And she's a dumb, maybe a dumbbo, dumbbo, dumbbo, dumbbo, dumbbo, dumbbo, dumbbo.

It's played that game. So Ash is like, okay, like, okay, we're going to play a game. Because it sounds like you're about to talk about something interesting. So let's do the proper tradition of slowing down the entire scene. So we can have a stupid game.

Okay, never have I ever. Okay, I'll start up. Put up five fingers.

Never had never have I ever done any butt stuff.

I was just like, oh, okay, okay, put your finger down. You've done it. You've done it. You've done it. And Joellen's like, yeah, did it.

And Rose is like, okay, well, I like my guy. I like my guys with skinny weeners, you know, for butt stuff. Things like that. And Alicia's like, if anyone, if anyone ever actually touched my butt, I would get a gun and kill them.

(laughs) Okay, never have I ever had a three-sum. And Alicia's like, okay, though. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

And Joellen goes, you've never had me three-sums. I'm like, never, Joellen, Joellen, Joellen, no. Joellen. Joellen. Okay, I've got one.

Never have I ever been a polygamous. What is that? I'm not good at math. I can't, what is the poly? (laughs)

I don't know shapes like that. Rosie says, if you have like a boyfriend and a boyfriend somewhere else, you know. Like, I thought Kelsey was that. I mean, doesn't her boyfriend have a girlfriend and a girlfriend.

“Wait, doesn't her boyfriend have a girlfriend here and a girlfriend of Florida?”

And Joellen's like, oh, yeah, I don't know. You should ask her. Because, yeah, well, there's just so many rumors. I mean, I don't know anything about it. Yeah, whether it's a lot of rumors about everybody on their Rosie.

This is what bothers me about Rosie. She's constantly talking shit, whether it beat me or Kelsey or any other friend. And I would actually pick up the phone and be like, before I embarrass you and front of people, I want to take ownership of this. But she's like, well, there's person said this and I did this and only because of that.

And there's always an excuse with her.

You know, what do you spend Thanksgiving with this one? Christmas with that one and another and another. Like, I get it. You get double presence. I get it.

Like, what? Rosie's like, what do you mean double presence?

“Because you know, Christmas, what do you buy for both?”

What do you buy? What do you buy for both? She's like, but I thought her boyfriend had another girlfriend. What are you saying? She has another boyfriend too?

She's a John's like, if you have a question, ask her. That's all I'm saying. Rosie, you constantly talk shit. And I don't love that. I don't love that Rosie.

And Rosie's like, well, I'm a no-t person. No-t Rosie. I ask questions. I've got follow-up questions. What do you expect from me?

I used to be a reporter. Almost Ryan's secrets. Listen. When you've done the hard work of asking questions of local bakers on a Saturday afternoon lifestyle show, you'll learn how to ask the questions.

Okay. It's called follow-up. It's called journalism. It's called Walter Kronkeye. It's okay.

Now, it's actually hilarious that you would say that because I heard you were talking shit about me. And Joellen's like, that's not true at all. She's like, well, and I still invited you to my picnic to be nice to you. Aren't you enjoying this picnic?

She goes, okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. So I'm going to be enjoying it.

“Well, when we went to your house, you talked shit about me at a Kelsey.”

And I heard you talking shit about the wine that I brought you. But the wine was very cheap. It was very, very cheap. I was like, but you said I was evil and not even children would like me. It just, well, I don't think I said that to your face, but I do feel that way.

I do. Do. If you don't want me talking about what you've done to me, then stop doing fucked up shit to me. And that will be the solution. And you didn't have to come to my fucking picnic.

Okay. I didn't have to pay you $1,000 for your gift bag. Because I was shot the fuck up. Are you like out of your mind? Are you out of your mind?

$1,000 for the gift bag. Yeah. Jump island like Citrocheps when she can't. She's got to cite the help when she switches up real quick. And if she knows something mean, she can't say she's gonna say it.

She can say she's gonna say it. You know, that's the beauty of jaw island. That's the beauty of it. Good beauty of it.

You know, she's just always going to go for the jugular.

That's the beauty of it. So why we love her? So Rosie's like, I invited you here as an olive brand. And you're literally just being like yourself. And she's like, I don't know what victim caught you trying to play here.

But come on. She's all guy here. The weather's being beat to me. This lady alone. Okay.

“All right. Oh, I don't. Don't cry. Don't cry.”

And so I rose. He's like, I'm just so nice to everybody. I'm trying. And you're like so mean. And I don't like that you think I'm a bad person. Am I no see Rosie? Yes, but I'm not a bad person. I'm trying really hard to be a good person.

Okay. Listen, Rosie. Listen. Listen. I'm not trying to make you cry. Okay. Let's start over. Let's start from here. She's like, but you're trying to turn everything when they get me.

No, no, no, no, no. I just want to move on. I'm bored with you already. Let's move on. Okay. Let's start now fresh. Let's start fresh now from here.

Please. Oh, me and me. Okay. Well, that you didn't start then. Let's start fresh again right now.

Right now. Right this second.

Everybody. Everybody put your hands in. Everyone put your hands in the center. Okay. How many hands do we got here? 16 hands. I'm bad at math.

I don't know. I can't do it. Okay. Put your hands on top. Okay. Go ahead. Joe, I'll make a speech. Okay. Everyone. Now that we have our hands in the center.

We're about to go play a soccer game. I'm trying really hard. I want to start over with you. Two, four, six, eight. Who do we appreciate?

Sorry, Lisa. I know that was hard for you. I'm having my brain. My brain hurts. It hurts.

Do I have to answer that question? I can't follow it. I lost that after four. I lost count. Like, okay.

Look. I'm having a fourth of July party. Rosie included. I wanted by all you guys to it. Okay.

Come to my fourth of July party. Okay. I haven't been to a fourth of July party ever. We don't have those in Virginia. God, Rhode Island is so unique.

Okay. You can go to Ashley in Rosie. I'm here because I just want to get past the bullshit. Okay. Let's start over right now.

Britain, that speech never happened.

It's like, well, I'm hopeful we can move forward. And go to the fourth of July party and have a good time. But I'm nervous. I'm just going to try and come up with a really cute gift though. So I have to figure that out.

Boxed wine. Maybe she's never had wine in a box. I don't know. By the way, is Ashley just that annoying that she's just never been invited to a fourth of July party in a Southern state.

I've never heard of that. That's crazy. I know. I've never heard of that either. I was weird.

So she's like, okay. Well, I say that we say cheers to a fresh start. And I've had a great time with you except for all the fighting you guys. God, you guys fight so much on their Adder Champaign. So now we go to South Kingstown, Rhode Island and we're at Audrey's coffee house and lounge.

Yeah. Jared is the barista there. The husband. And she's like, oh my God. I'm so happy to have my car back.

Yeah, you got to have a big ass car, right? And she's like, yeah. By the way, I've not a coffee day.

Well, I've never heard of a turtle as a coffee drink before.

But I'm already annoyed at it. So she's like, I've been. It's been four years since we opened up Audrey's coffee shop in lounge.

“And it's been four years up in asking, who's Audrey?”

So it's the second rate. It's just so everyone knows. It's the second rated celebrity owned restaurant in the United States with Bon Jovi. Being number one. And I'm like, that's actually really cool.

Who is this celebrity who owns it though? Oh. Is there a rate in this stuff? I don't know that any of this is true. Like, what is that?

I would like to know who announced that it was the number two celebrity owned establishment in the country. There's so many questions about this celebrity dumb of it and the quality of it. Like, you know, the place in Rhode Island where you can get that turtle? Yeah. Okay.

I looked at the top. Well, that's prestige Hong Kong. I don't know who do I look. Top chef's celebrity owned restaurants. Okay.

But would these be chef's celebrities? I don't know. Let's see.

“So our PM stay in Chicago, Bill and Juliana Rancic.”

Pizzaana and Los Angeles, Chris O'Donnell. Beer bar and Salt Lake City, Tyborrell. Ole Red or Ol Red in Tishamingo, Oklahoma Blake Shelton. Sunded Nashville, Johnny Glecki, Little Pine in Los Angeles, Moby, Giada in Las Vegas, Giada.

Swan and Miami for O'Williams. Uh, Ashley, it's not looking good here. Chicken plus beer and Atlanta, ludicrous. No boo in New York City, Robert De Niro. I didn't know he owned no boo.

Gotta feel like I can get international smoke and San Francisco. I should curry. Buddy V's restaurant. Buddy Valastro. Bird bake girl. I'm not seeing Ashley. It's the point.

Okay, I'm still down. Maybe they just don't qualify for the category. You know, it's celebrity owned. This is a shut up. Tishine and Beverly Hills is Ryan Gosling.

Oh, yeah. Tishine. Yes, he does. He opened it twice a long time. Yeah.

Yeah, I've actually never, I've always wanted to go there for 20 years.

I've wanted to go there and I've never actually been there. Yeah. Well, who know? So anyway, don't see on the list. Sorry.

So, Jared's like, oh my god, the ice machine's not working again. Fuck me. It's always something I swear. Okay. Is this a huge money maker?

No. But we did think it would make more money than it is making. And she's like, okay. So, Jared, so I met Joe Welling goes hold on. Hold on.

Hey, about what were you saying? What were you saying about that drink? Okay. Yeah, more fives. I got it.

More about it. Okay. All right. Go ahead, honey. Well, I just, you know, I want to tell you about the fourth

to July party. Okay, hold on once. Eva, I've got your latte latte for Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva. - Yeah, I think that's a fourth of July party. Okay, (crickets chirping) Carter, Carter, we have a, we have a cap of tuna for Carter. - Anyone? - Well, the list is said she can take care of the kids so tomorrow we have, you know, we're just gonna reach out to Rich. - Reba, Reba, Macintire, Reba, Macintire, we have a hot tea. Is this the real Reba or is someone just pranking us because if it's Reba, I'm gonna have to ask for a quick picture. Okay, no.

- Rosie is mentioning us carpooling 'cause she's nervous. - Yeah. - Oh, I'm sorry, are you, oh, I don't know what you were talking about, but I'll just start her the last word.

“- Yeah, I guess you have to see so well in, like what, well, you know, from what I heard Rosie from Rosie beforehand,”

Joanne had this whole bunch of ladies over at her house and Rosie brought over a six dollar bottle of wine to what I totally would do the same. - Okay, okay, yeah, because I can, we get some home milk over here. Okay, everyone does not subsist on oat milk. Okay, I'm gonna, do I even have a runner today? Do I have a runner, am I am I coffee bar masturbating where I'm just doing this all alone? Somebody help me. - Katie, Katie, we have a flat white, flat white. Sorry, Ashley, don't get confused. I know that's my pet name for you. Okay, Katie, Katie, anyone.

- So Ashley's like, well, when Jared first opened up Audrey, so he was working one hundred hours a week.

I mean, well, he's adjusted to his hours, but he still focuses all his time and energy at Audrey's, and there's two kids at home, and Audrey's our third child. So this is my thing about this place. Jared, I know that you love it, but you don't light up about it. And you could be living a more enjoyable life by doing something. I don't know what it is yet. I'm just gonna like throw this out of your hanging out with me and your family. - I don't know. I like just, I don't know. I was like, I think I'll stop my head. Just a bit, boy.

- I don't know what it is. I can go weeks without seeing you smile ever, and he's like, I know. I just like to point out, Jared is not lighting up around you either. - He literally just walked in, and he is not smiled once either. Oh my God.

- Yeah. - Smiling usually a lot when you're not in here, but when you're in here, there's not a lot of smiling, yes.

“- And I have to say he was like this on bachelor too. She was like, oh my God, I finally found my best friend.”

We're gonna get married, right? He's like, something has been like this. Ashley, come on, man. - So she's like, oh my God, okay, you're constantly thinking about Audrey's, and like, I'm constantly thinking, "Oh my God, I'm gonna make Jared happy!" - He is like, oh Jesus, because she cries every five minutes this girl. He's just like, "Oh God, I don't want you to have to do that honey."

Of course, I don't. Carter, get your goddamn drink, it's been sitting up here for five minutes. - You know, Jared and I are influencers.

He tries to influence people, I try to influence him. We're not very good at our jobs.

I have a bigger following than him, but he could still live a very wonderful life off of the following he has. And the opportunities that come to him, but he wanted something outside of social media and Mano Man did, did he get it, look at that, ruin up turtles, turtles for his wife.

“- Like, can you do some fun, Jared? Can we do some fun?”

- Yeah, I guess I may be get better about it. Jason, poor Jason's been waiting on his drink. Jason, I'm so sorry, Carter took all of my time. Don't believe what you hear about Reba McIntyre. Okay, restaurant sucks. - By the way, I looked up what the turtle recovery drink was. And it's a decade in dessert like beverage combining chocolate caramel and nutty flavor, typically pecan,

or hazelnut to mimic turtle candies is commonly served as an ice latte, hot mocha or blended frapp, featuring espresso milk, chocolate caramel syrup and toppings like whipped cream and nuts. In other words, but Reese says nightmare, so thanks a lot, Ashley. - He's like, he's got all these things. He's like, "Ava, you're another latte for you, Reba McIntyre. Your tea, yeah." Oh, hold on, why stop for 10 minutes to make this decadent stupid ass beverage right now.

- I know, she's like, "Why are you so stressed? I just ordered the Mojito of the coffee world." - No, there is a coffee Mojito at fills and it's so good. I had it yesterday. - So, you're a hypocrite. Because I could-- - No, but that's easy. That's just like coffee with like a minced sprig in it. Like, this one has like cerebs and toppings and the adiada. Yeah, yeah. So, then we go over to Rosie's house and she's picking up her dress.

And she's like, "Oh my God, do you like it, Doggie?" And the Doggie's like, "Uh, runs out of the room." And listen, listen to your dog, because Rosie's--the way Rosie dresses is crazy. She's wearing--and one of her confessional she's wearing, like, a dress cut all the way down the middle with that ice skating shit in the middle, and then like, cuffs made out of big fake diamonds and like a feather bow at the top. - Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I love it. - Yeah. Right, that's crazy. Yeah. - Absolutely crazy.

- So, everybody's doing glam and getting ready for the party. And then Joellen's like, "Yeah, for the party, I've rented a house at Port Smith on the water. Fourth of July, you know, wow, Rhode Island." But, you know what? I really don't know what Fourth of July is about. Like, I mean, I know there's like Plymouth Rock and Columbus, I don't know. Plymouth Rock is in Massachusetts. That's on ABA.

So, it's got something to do with a Nina Pinta and the Santa Maria. I don't know. Some. - And so, Gary is like, "Oh, well, you know, hey, oh, hey, glam person." She has a little bit of a hairy face. Here he face. So, we'll make sure to take care of it. She's like, "Gary, oh my God, such an asshole. Whatever." - Okay. - What up? Okay. I mean, go-- - I'm going to go skim the pool. - No, you don't need to skim the pool. I'm going to skim it. Don't skim the pool, Gary.

- I'm skim at the pool. - Gary, you're a host of the pool. - Gary, you're a host of the pool. - Oh, I want to. - You're skimbing the pool. So, then, Dr. Ellen's mom comes over, Nancy. And she's like, "Hello, I'm here. I decided to fulfill my duty as a grandmother and take care of these children."

“Because, you know, I think that maternal gene stops to skip my mother, my grandmother.”

I was doing regular teenage things, you know, smoking cigarettes, drinking and driving. She's like, "Oh, she'd mistook that for a quote-unquote bad behavior. Whatever. My mother was really hard on me.

I had no guide to how to be a good mother. So, I'm doing the best that I can, and I pray that my kids turn out amazing.

I don't know why. And this is a dangerous thing to say. But I'm already on Nancy's side." - Well, I mean, we see clues. Because, first of all, Nancy comes over. She's very sweet. "Look, my mom, what a bitch." She's like, "Hey, here I am to take care of your kids." "My mom's a real bitch. Maybe, stop calling your mom a bitch as she's doing you a favor." - Like, the weirdo? - People get mad at me whenever I say things like this,

because they're like, Ben has, Ben has like, like, good parent privilege over her. And he doesn't realize, like, parents fuck up, but, uh, people get mad at me.

But I'm just saying, in this case, when she's like, "You know what? She interpreted things I did as bad behavior."

I'm like, "Hmm, it probably was bad behavior." I may regret saying this in like three weeks when we find out what it was. But for right now, I just sort of feel like this lady comes in with her big hair, and I'm like, "I'm just sort of on her side already."

“- I don't know what to say, Joellen. You're the one who wound up on the real housewife. So, I think you're the one who sort of messed up.”

- All we really know about Joellen so far is that she's mean to new people. Everyone thinks she's a villain, so she tries to make everyone else the villain, and she married the girl that she married the guy that her sister was with. - So, the evidence is kind of stacking up against you, and from what we know about your mother, she babysits when she's asked. So, you're going to need to add a lot more evidence to this case, man.

- For sure. - So, they Joellen, they leave Joellen and Gary leave to go to this house, and she's like really nervous about leaving the kids with Nancy.

And so Joellen's like, "By the way, so Rosie's coming to the party.

Rosie made a comment about Kelsey having two boyfriends, mind your own fucking business, right? Even though I was the one who started talking about Kelsey first at the picnic." But whatever, I can't imagine she gets up, and Gary, by the way, and I forgot on that, that actually it was Joellen who started talking about Kelsey and so we started doing it going through the notes, because it really was actually Joellen who started just being like, "Well, I think Kelsey's going through a hard time right now."

She's sort of trying to transition between this and that, so he did kind of start talking about her. - Gary is like, "If she doesn't want smoke with dudes and she shouldn't, if she knows what's good for her, so then Ashley and Rosie are in their own car." And Ashley's like, "I do wish this was like a kids' welcome party. You know, we could bring the kids, you know?" And Jared's like, "Joellen has kids, right?"

Honey, you're not at the coffee shop. - In my mind. - It's like, "Well, sound is window." - Whatever, you're latte, we still have your latte forever.

- Rosie's like, "Yeah, I bought it, these amazing fireworks, and I made it a fireworks bouquet,

and I got a bottle of champagne. It was $60." - I am showing up tonight with the gift for Joellen, even though she made me cry,

“because my goal in life is for everyone to like me.”

And I know that deep down, that is the most unrealistic thing you could ever want, but it's all I want, so I'm just going to keep on trying. I'm like, "Well, good luck, because I feel like you're failing on a national level right now." - So we go to the Joellen arrives at the rented house, and she's like, "Oh my God, could you imagine if I tumbled down the stairs?"

And that has been like, "Every day of my life." So they see the food set up, and Joellen's like, "I'm in our cook, I'm in our clean, I may not have sex all the time, but I know how to throw a good party." - Then Alicia arrives first, and there's like no one there, and things were not set up. Yeah, she's like, "Let's go on on over here."

So she goes, "Oh, this is an indwelling conversation, because oh, it's absolutely gorgeous." She goes, "Thank this is a condolence station over there, this is a caricature station over there, because they do characters." She goes, "Carracches, Billy, they've got character as." - Look, is it what? - Character of ours?

- Billy, you want to get a character of ours?

“- That's not how you pronounce it. - How you pronounce it?”

- I don't do math. - So let's write this. - What you got, she has via carrots. I don't understand what's going on here. - So let's arise with Dolores. It's Dolores. - Look, Dolores can tad, yeah, she owes my heart.

We met at a cannabis convention back with Frank was just getting into the industry, and I said, "You know what? Come visit. Just come visit. Obviously what it's like for a summer. Come on." - Of course, Liz has a Frank also. So then we have a flashback to Liz and Dolores.

They're like playing up a crab trap or something, and Dolores is like, "You know what, I make a good crab sauce. I make it in the kitchen, and then I walk to the living room, and back to the kitchen, and back to the living room, and back to the kitchen, and see if it's done yet. If it's not done yet,

then I go back to the living room, and I clean something up. Then I come back in, and it's done. It's ready. It's done. That's done. It's crab sauce. - Last time I made a crab sauce, I caught myself. I was pregnant for Gabby.

- You were pregnant for Gabby? - This is like, wow, that was a long time ago, actually. I trust Dolores. She knows where the berries, I mean, the bodies are buried. Oh my god, she knows where the berries are,

oh my god, I just got Liz by myself. - And so Dolores is introduced around, and Kelsey is there, and she says that she's known Joellon since high school. Yes, she's so work at a tanning salon that my friend used to work at. And Joellon was hooking up with the owner of the tanning salon,

and then the owner and his wife, she's bullsey. - So now the girls, they all go to like an area where they can sit and like gossip, and so guys, I'll bring you guys the drink. Okay, and listen, oh my god, look at this guy. He's a good one. He's a good one, whatever he faces.

So Dolores, this is Joellon speaking.

“Tell me, what do you love about Rhode Island the most?”

Dolores, like, um, yeah, good highways, I guess. - What kind of icebreaker is that? - So tell me, what do you love about our state the most? (laughs) - I like that you, Dolores.

- Yeah, well, you know, the first time out of Jersey,

I was 18 and I came here, so I loved that this was a great place. I loved that this was a great place for 18 plus kids. - Is there even a beach a new Jersey? - Come on, the Jersey Shore. Jesus Christ, Kelsey, come on.

- She's like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. Not a great case for the sugar babies of the world. Like maybe go out there in the world and like, you know, experience things, learn about things like the fact that the Jersey Shore exists.

- She's been in prison for 10 years or 11 years or whatever. So Rosie and Ashley come in and we get the violins. - Don't, don't, don't, don't. - Very serious. And she's like, oh my god, is she gonna be annoyed with you

because you're wearing all red and she's wearing all red, too? - Yeah, they really tried to get that started, at least just like the devil and red. I'll be right back. - Kelsey's like, you said it, not us.

Well, I was just trying to be funny.

It was a funny thing to say for the trailer,

that the producer said I should say it for the trailer. And Joellen says, drunken words, so but thoughts, you know, I want you to know what happened to the picnic. I need you to know, I stuck up for you, okay, Kelsey? So Rosie was questioning your relationship in polygamy

and Alicia was like, what is polygamy? I don't do math. And then she says, this Kelsey have two boyfriends and what is she going for Christmas? What's happening?

And I was like, you gotta ask her that. I mean, my god, am I right? And Kelsey's like, well, I just met Rosie at Joellen's, but I feel like I can sniff out the people that are not girls girls. And you know how I sniff 'em?

I wait until one of my friends tells me that they're not girls girls. Yeah, exactly. So Dolores is like, is there a reason she's asking you about your relationship? Are you doing something you're going through something?

“Just, well, my relationship is the only thing”

that makes me upset.

So I was like, oh, don't sweat that.

We'll miss a room, we all know that. They're not all factual. Because no, I'm a cold fucking bitch at the end of the day. But when it comes to my relationship, that's my choice.

Thank God, it's sacred. Yeah, it's sacred for five months of the year. Super sacred. I hate people talking about my relationship, which is why I've talked about my relationship

and every single scene including flashbacks of this one episode that we filmed. Please don't talk about my relationship down. Who the fuck cares who I'm going to date? Well, I'm dating.

Let's go. So the thing is you have two choices. You can either wipe it off, or wipe right by it, or get on a dinghy and sail away. And you can just say, fuck you guys.

Why are you talking about it? Because you know what? I'd say something when I would be ready. And you know what, no, I'm going to be ready when the crab sauce is ready.

Give it another five minutes. But you know that Doris has been during this long time. Because when Kelsey's like, you know, I'm just so sick of everybody like talking about my relationship to Doris because, but is there a reason

when they're talking about it? No, no, no. I mean, what's going on in the relationship? Something I'm wearing when I was talking. She just ignores Doris.

But I was like, thank you. That is the question. You know? Yes. So Doris is like, oh my God, Joellen,

I got you this. It's a fireworks bouquet. And she goes, oh, that was thoughtful. And creative. It's a little bit of a gift collection.

A little collection of fireworks. It feels dangerous. I feel like I don't want to bring that to a party. But it's very on theme is the fourth of July. And you're bringing someone a fireworks bouquet.

I mean, that seems sweet to me. And Joellen's like, oh, gross. Who would do that?

“I think that's a gift that I wouldn't give somebody.”

It's like a nice party. It's like you're not. I don't know. But you know, I have a thing with fireworks. I think I have this thing.

Leave fireworks to professionals. I don't see the purpose of like setting them off yourself. I know we disagree on this. But I think it's stupid to set them off. Congratulations. You now have lost the finger because you want to set up a tiny firework that looks shitty for everyone.

Yeah, but it's a good label to the rest of us when you see them in the grocery store. You know, and have their hair sticking up and there's like a bandage on their hands. The day after fireworks and the HB is a good one. So everyone's having food, mingling about. And they're putting caviar on weeners, which Joellen is really excited about.

And which sounds disgusting to me. And Gary is like, "There's no way I'm having caviar. Weeners. I ain't doing it." Should I go do it Gary? No, I ain't doing it. Do it Gary.

I ain't doing it. What are you gay? Okay, I'll do it. Give it to me right now. For them, Kelsey joins Alicia and Rosie. And Alicia's like, "How are you doing?" By the way, I noticed Kelsey you came solo.

She's like, "Yeah. I hope everything's okay." "Yeah. You're okay." "Yeah. Are you sure you're okay?"

“"Yeah. Want to do some math? I can't do the math. Can you do it for me?"”

"Oh, okay. Look. I like living on my own. I'm used to it." But I know the picnic there was like questions about the kind of relationship I was in. And if Rosie or anyone else has a question on polygamy, I can answer it because, "Well, every man does that stuff." So I don't know what the picture was.

Every man's a polygamous. Polygamy. Okay. That's what men are. They sleep with everything. What are you going to do? It's like my relationship from day one.

I mean, there's rules and I accepted things in that fit. She says, "Oh, okay. You know what? I don't get it. I'm very confused by her." So Liz joins him and Alicia's like, "Yeah.

We're talking about everyone's always talking about a situation."

I said, "You know what? Every man's a polygamous." And Liz is like, "Who's always asking?" Just like, you know, like anyone, like everywhere. But all the time, you know, I had a hot talk. It just said, "Is that girl a polygamous?"

And Liz is like, you know, when you go through accepted life, they said, "If you know what people said, that the table's disgusting." I relate the most to Kelsey. It's funny because in this group of girls, she's the youngest.

As we know, I'm the oldest. And I'm the only one with a dinghy. Okay. But we're very close. We protect each other. And I'm eternally allergic to bullshit.

“That's why it's important for me to recite one line”

from my fairy lady at least once a day. All right. All right, Liz. So what else have you said at that pic of it? And she's like, nothing. Nothing else. I mean, I didn't say one bad thing about you.

Okay. Stay off my ass. So the Nancy calls up Jowellon to give like an update on the kid. She's like, "Hi. Well, the kids are here. They're alive. They're awake. They're about to go to bed. I'm trying to get Jolie to bed."

And Jowellon's like, "Gee as up too. Ma. The bedtime is seven o'clock. I told you. Oh, God. What a terrible mother. It's seven, 10 p.m. Oh, my God. All right. Well, the kids are alive.

That made me wicked nervous." So Jowellon is still like, I just can't get over things that happen to me as a child with my mother. And I don't want my kids to feel anything

that I felt with my mother. And Jolie's still out. I'm sorry.

I have to hear the defense first.

So people are getting their caricatures, their characters, if you were. And two of the girls get it done together. And like, "Oh, my God. We look so good together." And Kelsey is like, you know what?

You know, like, I feel like we need to move passes and Jowellon's like, "Well, I'm waiting to see how big my teeth are. I'm known for my very big teeth." And Kelsey says, "Yeah, I haven't talked to Rosie still. I talked to Alicia about it.

And I know Alicia comes from a place of like, "Not ill-intended." But she's just not a well there. You know, and I can't be mad at a stupid person. But I still got to talk to Rosie about it.

Kelsey's like, "I feel like you're moving past it and I'm moving to it." Because I feel like Rosie's asking certain questions because she has something calculating in her brain. And that's what I don't like.

And Kelsey says that people seem to not be able to stop talking about by relationship,

“even though that's the only thing I've been talking to people”

at this party about.

But Rosie, are you asking questions?

Or are you already saying, "No, I heard this." And she is this. And they are that because that is a bad path to go down as going to end up ugly for you. Yeah, but she is just asking questions.

Kelsey, stop telling everybody your business and then wondering why they're gossiping about it. You know why they're gossiping about it. It's ridiculous. You're living with some rich dude

who's off fucking someone else half the year. Everyone's gonna ask you, sorry. And also, yeah, exactly. It's like it's fine if you'd have a non-traditional relationship. But also, don't be surprised if people are like,

"What the hell's going on?" And just clarify it. And don't be a whist. Don't be a whist about it. Just do what you just did to a leash and say,

"I made choices." And that's it. So my relationship, shut up. Rosie is talking to Paulie and she's like, "You're gonna be here a lot this summer."

He's like, "Yeah, we're going to be here for three months. Three or four months." I don't know. Close around the tree end. But maybe four months.

Don't ask me where I'm living. Had someone over there. And then, like, I'm an ant. Wow. And then, Dolores and Liz sit down for drawings

for caricatures. And the guy, Dawn, who's like the characters. Guys, like, you guys are sisters, like, "Left friends." It's like, "Well, everyone thinks that was sisters, though." It's like, "Why do you see us?

What do we look similar? Do we look alike? We look similar? We look alike?" They say, like, "It's the exact same time with the same boys."

"We are going." You know, I'm lying. I'm like, "That's not what I want." She referred me to him. She referred me to him. And we also have the same data.

The Laura's, "Oh God." That's why I look like-- I love that they just went to the same doctor and he gave them the same face. He's like, "Well, they're in different states.

And now you're having a cupcake.

You fucker.

“Like, I go, "Well, you know what, everyone?”

I'm having the best time." Because I'm standing by the cookies spot. And having like five cookies. Ever since I found out that Bill had a fucking cupcake, I'm going to have gone hog wild on these cookies.

Okay? I'm going to put up my shoes right over here by the way, everyone. If everyone who wanted where I'm like, I'm going to put my shoes on. I'm going to go over there and put them on.

Okay? Good luck. Have a nice conversation. So now Calcy and Rosie are alone and Calcy is like, "I want to know what happened at the picnic. What if anything I should be concerned about?"

She's like, "Uh, I don't think so." Oh, nothing about my relationship or nothing? Uh, what? I just want you to know truthfully. Was it brought by you and how my relationship is?

And she goes, "Um, honestly?" And like, I was just questioning stuff. Joe Mullen brought it up. Joe Mullen brought it up. Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Yeah, she was talking about it saying you're going through such a hard time. And then we were like, "What hard time is she going through?" And it turned into this whole thing. And I wasn't trying to come for you.

Well, yes, Joellen did bring it up. But you were the one who was being gossipy with the, never have I ever thing. You were the one who, when she says it turned into whole big thing, it's a, you turned into whole thing.

So Joellen interrupts us, you guys. We're doing sparklers. Okay, sparkling. Sparkling is the opposite of my mother's personality. Fuck him.

So, um, Calcy doesn't know who to trust. Cause they're a road island. And you can't trust people in road island.

“So they do the longest sparklers I think I've ever seen in my life.”

And, um, they are happy for the children. Hi, guys. And so, Calcy's like, yeah, rumours and road island are very typical. It's just part of the culture of a state. A state to hurt.

It's gossip. And our state flour is the gossip flour. So Alicia says, yeah, um, I definitely know a lot about people. I just don't say it. And Ashley goes, this group. They've got big things behind the scenes.

Big secrets, big cheating scandals. And extra big turtle orders. That's right. I go venti every single time. And it was like, don't lie.

There's really no reason to lie.

But truth always comes out.

Yeah, done, done, done. So interesting show. Well, see where it goes. I mean, they are doing there. They've kind of got the Salt Lake City community theater thing where it's like, Okay, we're fighting now. Let's fight it to picnic.

How dare you? They're doing that a bit. So it'll be nice to see them kind of ease into this. Oh, yes. I like, um, but you know what I do like about this show.

I love when these shows sort of have a distinct feeling of like space, like a place. And like the Rhode Islandness of it.

“They're really really leaning into this kind of like maritime vibe.”

Like everything sort of like coastal and beachy in a New England way. And I think that's pretty cool. And, um, yeah, I think it was a good. It was a really like a really like good first episode. And I feel like it's setting the stage for, what should be a fun season.

So we'll just see how it goes. But we'll be recapping it no matter what. We'll see you soon. Alright, everybody. Thanks so much for being here.

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